Category Archives: Daily Life

I am angry and I like it!

13 Wednesday Nov 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I am being forced to write this post.  Yes there is someone holding a gun to my head.  That someone is my conscience.

This blog has been a lifesaver.  I feel I owe my sanity to it.  Therefore I feel I cannot not share some feelings just because they show a side of me that I don’t like.    You are my friend and have been here through thick and thin, so you deserve to know how angry I am at this moment.  Anger is not me, and I don’t want to be seen as an angry person, but at this moment I am!

“The world needs more anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn’t angry enough.” 
― Bede Jarrett

I don’t advocate anger, but I am welcoming anger at this point.  It feels liberating! It feels I am one step closer to being free.  This elusive freedom seems harder than I had fathomed!  Freedom from what you may ask? Freedom from thinking about Ex.

Here I go again talking about him.  He is a subject that should have been dead and buried a long time ago.  But anytime I seem to forget about him, something snaps me right back to the starting point.

I am here to tell you right now that anger can, at times, be a good thing.  It can open your eyes and be a healing force.  It can force someone to face a tough issue and snap someone into action.   It is strange to me to see anger in such a way, or perhaps it is just my positive self trying to be positive about something so negative.  I have to make this anger work for me.  This anger feels long overdue.  I had thought that I had been lucky enough to have never felt this angry towards my Ex.  I was proud of not having anger in my heart for him or anybody else.  I had periods of being mad, but nothing like what I have been feeling the last few days.  I realize we may jump around the grief process, but eventually we will get to all of them.  My grief as it turns out is not over!

What was the straw the broke the camel’s back?  A text with a picture!  Something snapped inside of me when I received this one text from Ex.  How dare he still text me after I had expressly asked for no contact and he agreed.

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” 
― Gloria Steinem

He sent me a text with a picture of him and the Kids. It is a long story but he had not seen his kids in a long time, so them all together is nothing shorter than a miracle.  The ex-wife is a nightmare and always tried to prevent the kids from having a relationship with the father.  He is a lousy partner but a great father and deserves to see the kids and the kids need to see him.

I know that some of you will say that he wanted to share his happiness with me.  Well, he is not allowed to anymore!  I have asked for no contact, no contact means not contact.  He is happy I know! I am happy for him.  But I don’t care to know about his life at this point.   I am angry over everything regarding Ex and I am angry over having kept the door open to him.  How could I have looked at everything he did so lightly?  How could I have continued to engage in communication with him?

Perhaps it was the caption on the picture that read: ‘”The whole family together again”, or perhaps that he wrote that the kids asked about me and sent their love.  Perhaps still, it was the assumption that who took the picture was the new girlfriend; well I am sure of it! So after being happy for him, I was mad.

There is one point where you need to stop being polite and just start watching out for yourself.  I am there!

“Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” 
― Aristotle

I am angry at myself for being angry and for still having all these bottled up feelings for him.   I feel that I should have been this angry 2 years ago.  I was going to ignore the text.  I let it marinated overnight, but by the next day at noon I had only grown angrier and even though my sister and my co-worker suggested that I either ignore it or just say that I was happy for him, I had to go and tell him exactly how I felt.  I told him how it hurts me to hear from him.  How I don’t want to be contacted again and don’t care to know about his life. I also mentioned how I thought the new girlfriend was a good replacement for me.  I am not proud of that text, but I don’t regret it either.

He and I cannot be friends, no matter how much time goes by.  We have no reason to be friends or have any communication (unlike couples that have children together).  So I am finally letting go of this illusion of being friends one day.  I don’t want to be friends with someone that has done what he has done to me, someone that continues to be clueless as to how much he hurt me and to the ramification of his actions, and someone that only thinks about himself.  To this day he has never acknowledged any wrongdoing, and continues to lie to people saying that I moved out to be closer to my job and that we are still friends. He created a lie and he believes in it.  I refuse to participate in that lie anymore.

He hasn’t replied to my text and I don’t expect or want a reply.  I said what I had to say and I don’t want to hear or talk about him anymore.

“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.” 
― Maya Angelou

This anger allowed me to see things clearer.  It allowed me to look around and realize that I was still keeping him around in things.  So I burned the letter that he sent me, which, when I received it,  had made me happy and had felt like a good closure.  I burned some proof I had of his cheating – I know he cheated I don’t need to proof to anybody.  I deleted all the emails and the pictures.  I don’t know why I was keeping those things around, but it feels awesome to have those things gone.  I could have just thrown those things away, but there is nothing like burning them with white sage incense. It felt like a ritual of getting rid of the past and cleansing the path for the future.

“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.” 
― Malcolm X

So, I am hoping this is the last chapter on the Ex story, but even as I write this I think of a never ending bad Halloween movie.

***

On a separate note, I went to my first Kabbalah class last night.  I really enjoyed it because it seems to validate what I already believe in.   The teacher talked about the need to stop being reactive.  I had always saw my reactive behavior and impulsiveness as being a good thing, as a sign that I was following my heart and my instincts, but of late I had started to question that and realize that one thing had nothing to do with the other. Yesterday it felt like a validation of my thoughts.

Perhaps I am already brainwashed :), but it appeared that the teacher was talking directly to me.  Everything fit me to a T, specially when it came to relationships.

I am eager to learn more and perhaps share things that I find useful.

***

I am going on a date tonight!!! After a long time with no dates I am meeting a handsome, smart and funny Englishman tonight.  We have spoken on the phone a few times but had not met before because of how busy I had been with my Mom and because of his travels.

Do I think he is the one?  Well, I don’t accept an invitation unless I see potential.  I don’t want to waste anybody’s time or my own.  I am choosing not to have huge expectations.  All I expect is a fun time with a potential friend.

I am excited about being out at a social setting, having a drink and flirting my ass off!!  Did I mention that he appears to have very kissable lips?  Well I don’t normally go kissing anyone on the first date, but it has been a long time and my lips have been lonely! Oh and his accent is both sexy and powerful… I am thinking I should have only one drink …

“Today expect something good to happen to you no matter what occurred yesterday. Realize the past no longer holds you captive. It can only continue to hurt you if you hold on to it. Let the past go. A simply abundant world awaits. (January 11)” 
― Sarah Ban Breathnach

Out with the Old, Making Room for The New!

08 Friday Nov 2013

Posted by in Daily Life

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“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come. -” 
― Joseph Campbell

I feel the need to clean up.  I feel heavy and need to become lighter.  I feel stuck, stationary.  I feel weighed down.  I need to stop carrying baggage, all sorts of baggage.  I need to move forward.

Hate me if you want, but I am one of those crazy people that love cleaning and organizing.  I have always been a big fan of cleaning, organizing, discarding the old and the broken and making room for the new.  It is cathartic. I would even dare to say it is life changing.  Every time I am down I start cleaning and feel immediately better.

The world we live in is so materialistic, so we all tend to accumulate stuff that we don’t need/use.   I have played a part in this acquiring game.  It seems some people always want to have the newer, the bigger, the better, and the faster.  Where and when do we stop?  Where is the thought, the need, the balance?

For me this time is here and now!!

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” 
― Andy Warhol

I am not only talking about my apartment, I am talking about my life.  I am starting with my closet, but that is just the beginning.  Nothing is safe, nothing will be spared.

This cleaning up involves, not only clothing and books, but photos, emails, memories, people. Everything I can think of, everything I come across as I go about my day. Everything will be evaluated to see if it is adding to my life or detracting from it.

I am on the lookout for hidden baggage, things that are weighing me down without my even my realizing, and that is when I realized that some people have become a heavy burden.

“Set fire to the broken pieces; start anew.” 
― Lauren DeStefano, Sever

Besides cleaning I will also be burning bridges. Yes, I am going to do what everyone says it shouldn’t be done.  I don’t want to go back and I don’t want anyone getting back either.  Going back to things and people that are not adding to your life should not be an option. So, in a way, I will be cleaning people out of my life and hopefully out of my heart.

I realized I had been keeping some doors open because I didn’t to hurt people’s feeling, and I suspect that deep down inside, I was hoping that people would change.  But I feel those open doors are hurting me.  Leaving the door always half open to people and things don’t work anymore.  Thinking that you will eventually have use for an object, or that eventually you will fit in those jeans or that, somehow, that one person will realize how awesome your friendship is, is becoming detrimental to me.  It is not allowing room for the new and the better to get in.

I am cleaning everything and it feels amazing.  It feels like great first steps in a brand new life.

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come. -” 
― Joseph Campbell

The material things I am seeing if I can repurpose, if it can become somebody else’s treasure.  I give it away with gratitude in my heart for how that item at one point was important to me.  To people, I am saying I am important and you are doing me harm by your lack of consideration, so I don’t want to hear from you anymore.   I thank you for the purpose you have served, for the lessons you taught.   I wish joy and success in the future, but I will no longer be playing any part in it.

My cleaning is on-going, as each new day brings new cleaning opportunities. It feels great to be moving in the right direction.

I want nothing sitting on the side unused.  I don’t want anything broken. I will either fix it or give it away or throw it away.  I don’t want anything ugly to my eyes.  I only want things that make me smile.  I want things with meaning.  I want clothes that flatter me; I want shoes that are comfortable.  I want books that teach me something.  I want emails that when re-read add to my life, and do not make me cry and long for the past.  I want contacts in my phone that mean something and are not just phone numbers.

I want people that matter in my life.  I don’t need quantities of anything.  I need and crave quality! Please be noted here that I have given certain people chance upon chance and each time I was repaid with pain.  In the end I am realizing I was doing them no favors.  I was only prolonging the inevitable: their being accountable for their own actions, and reaping what they sow.

Paulo Coelho said it best:

“Close some doors today.  Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because they lead you nowhere”

So give it a try, start with one drawer, one table, one old box, clean it out and see how amazing it will feel afterwards!!  Take that one thing that brings bad or sad memories and get rid of it.  I had some emails that I always re-read and that it never failed to make me sad. It was very hard to delete them, but I feel free and empowered by having deleted them all.

I am constantly asking the question: What else in my life needs to go to make room for the new? A new answer just came to mind: Habits.

I need new habits to replace old, tired ones.  And that will be the topic of a new post:  the need to create new healthy habits to replace old damaging ones.

“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” 
― Maya Angelou

I will continue dreaming…

30 Wednesday Oct 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” 
― Albert Einstein

In the darkness of my room, in the safety and comfort of my bed, right before I am about to fall asleep, thoughts occupy my mind…All kinds of thought and memories.  Often good thoughts, sometimes thoughts of Ex and the way we were (which I have been good at keeping those at bay), but most often what is on my mind are dreams and plans of an awesome tomorrow.  At that very moment every night the world is full of promise and the possibilities are endless.  At that very moment I could conquer the world.   I often think about some special someone I may be talking to online or on the phone, and all its promise of a future together.

Finding a partner and starting a family is a recurring dream.   When I say starting a family it doesn’t mean having kids.  Even though the idea of kids are amazing; at this point is no longer feasible.  So it will probably be a family of two adults acting like kids, and perhaps a few dogs.

“Without leaps of imagination or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all is a form of planning.” 
― Gloria Steinem

But last night a dark thought entered my mind.  It interrupted my day-dreaming, it got me scared.  The following words came into my mind: it isn’t all a bit too late?

That thought woke me right up!  Since when did I let facts and reality interrupt my awesome illusory life?  Am I turning into a realist? Or worst yet, a pessimist?   I love being a dreamer, an optimistic.  I love thinking that the world is amazing and life is beautiful.  I go out of my way to focus on the good only.

The next thought was: Should I give up?  Give up on the idea of finding a partner?  I thought I would never say this, but I am thinking that perhaps it is just too late.  Too late, way too late to find a husband and start a life together.  Yes, I said it!  I want a husband! I want the commitment, the partnership, the idea of romance, fairy-tale, forever. And yes I also said that perhaps I decided to want that a bit too late in life. In my teens, twenties, thirties, I never wanted the wedding, the marriage, the fairy-tale.  I pushed it all aside and focused on surviving, and thriving in all other areas of my life.

“We dream to give ourselves hope. To stop dreaming – well, that’s like saying you can never change your fate.” 
― Amy Tan

My single life is awesome and I adore all I have, and having the right partner would add to it.  But I am also aware of the potential of encountering the wrong person and all of a sudden realizing that I was better off alone.

Do I continue to live an illusion or do I wake up and wise up?  Is it harmful to live in la-la-land?

“Dreams, if they’re any good, are always a little bit crazy. ” 
― Ray Charles

I guess those thoughts came to me because of being excited about someone I am getting to know online.  He seems full of potential, and at times too good to be true.  We have not met yet as I want to dedicate my free time now to my visiting mother and decided to meet him after she leaves in about 2 weeks.

As I navigate the online dating waters, I alternate between hopeful and cynical.  Somebody contacts me and it seems really promising, I get excited and the next instant he totally disappoints me.  Perhaps this time I am trying to protect myself about being too hopeful.

With all that being said I rather spend my days and nights in the illusion of the infinite world of possibilities.  I rather continue to think that my dreams will come true and work towards that.  I rather think that perhaps next time I turn a corner I may bump into Price Charming.  I rather bask in the rays of oblivion, than to live in a world where “I missed the boat” because I dared to go at my own pace and do things my way and on my time.

“There is nothing like a dream to create the future.” 
― Victor Hugo

I have noticed that people are often too afraid.  They are afraid of trying, of taking a chance.  Afraid of putting themselves out there and looking desperate.  People are afraid of failing and therefore they give up on trying.   They are afraid of getting hurt. Afraid of taking a chance on love. Afraid of looking foolish.

I am not saying everyone should have a partner.  What I am saying is that I want one and I am not afraid of appearing desperate and foolish.  I will not give up on that idea at the present moment.  What I am saying is that people should not be afraid of taking a chance on what they want, be it a boyfriend, a new job, a singing career, a single life.  Whatever it is that you dream with/about go ahead and take steps to make it a reality.

The harder something is to achieve the better it will taste when you finally get it.  There is nothing better than reaping the rewards of hard work, of taking a chance and making it.

“Nothing happens unless first a dream.” 
― Carl Sandburg

If you are satisfied with single life, stay single! I am not there…yet, perhaps tomorrow I will wake up and think single is the way to go, until then there is online dating.  Until then I will distract myself dreaming of the possibilities.

I want someone like me.  I want the fearless!  I want the one that keeps falling flat on his face and keeps going. I want the one that keeps going after what he wants against all odds.

And with that I am telling the dark pessimistic thoughts to go bother somebody else. I am not an easy prey! I look great with my rose colored glasses on! I got dreams to make into reality and goals to achieve. I don’t have time for negativity and darkness!

Always a dreamer and proud of it!!

“I believe in everything until it’s disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it’s in your mind. Who’s to say that dreams and nightmares aren’t as real as the here and now?” 
― John Lennon

Moment lost…chance for reflection.

23 Wednesday Oct 2013

Posted by in Daily Life

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“The value of a moment is immeasurable. The power of just ONE moment can propel you to success and happiness or chain you to failure and misery.” 
― Steve Maraboli,

Life is made of moments,  tiny little moments that make up the mosaic of our lives.  Split second decisions can make or break one’s future, life, day.    The incredible power that just 1 instant, 1 second, holds is not lost on me and yet I rush through life as if I am in a mad dash somewhere.  I am getting nowhere fast! ….and tired.

I have been trying to slow down, to stop and smell the flowers, to pay attention to details. It is hard for me to pause and take a breath.  It feels like my life is lived in a constant fast-forward mode.  Am afraid of stopping and give the impression that I am stuck in life?  After-all I live in New York, where is a sin to be stationary.

BE HERE NOW!  That has been my mantra forever, but one would never guess it, since I am everywhere, in the past and in the future, except here, except now.

What am I missing by going so fast? A lot, perhaps all!

Last evening as I left work and I am walking, or should I say, sprinting, towards Grand Central Station a man, coming out of nowhere, stopped me.  Well, wrong on both counts, he probably didn’t come out of nowhere, I was just probably not paying attention to my surroundings, and he was not successful in stopping me because I never stopped.

All I heard was someone asking for money and my immediate response: I don’t have any change, and continued walking.

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” ― Plato

I immediately regretted not stopping and not giving money.  I felt sad that my first instinct and response was so negative and defensive.  I stopped and turned around and by then the man had already walked away and I was left standing there alone with my guilt.  He was not stopping everyone, in fact he didn’t stop anyone, but me.  He probably thought that I would help.  He was probably embarrassed.   Right now I can think of 300 different reasons why he asked me and why he needed to ask for help in the first place.

Why did I behave like that? Why was that my first instinct? I didn’t feel threatened! It is like the words rolled out of my mouth without my permission.  Why couldn’t I stop?

What if in that one second I could have been the ray of light in somebody’s life?  What if he just needed a dollar to catch a train because he had lost his wallet or something like that?  He didn’t seem homeless, if fact he seemed well-dressed.  Why did my brain, in a fraction of second, decided for my heart that it was not worth stopping? Why did I betray myself?

“Only the development of compassion and understanding for others can bring us the tranquility and happiness we all seek.” ― Dalai Lama XIV

I hate myself for not stopping and talking to him and giving him the money.  It is not really the money but the fact that I didn’t stop to give a second of my attention to a fellow human being.  I don’t like that!  I am not like that! And yet I let that one second run away from me and I can never get it back.  I can never make that moment right.  I am ashamed! Who am I becoming?

I wish that person knows that not all humans are devoid of care, not everyone is suspicious or just plain too busy.  I wish he knows that I prayed for him and his well being, that I care.  I prayed that the next person he spoke to did what I was unable to do: stop and listen.

I wish I could go back and change that one instant and take back those words, but I can’t.  All I can do is hope that next time my first reaction is different. I pray for less impulse and more thought, less reaction and more action.

Acknowledge the problem is the first step. Hi, I am Ana and I am

I don’t know who said it, but it is so true and worth thinking about it:

“Four things you can’t recover: 
The stone after the throw, 
The word after it’s said, 
The occasion after it’s missed,
The time after it’s gone.”

The joys of returning home and being aware of my flaws!

16 Wednesday Oct 2013

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“Every traveler has a home of his own, and he learns to appreciate it the more from his wandering.” ― Charles Dickens

I am back!! And happy to be back!

I love going away, but I love returning home even more. I love getting back to my routine, going to work, feeling like a productive member of society. I have been living in the USA for almost 30 years. I love Brazil, but US feels more like home by now. I don’t tell anyone this, but I feel a bit out of place in Brazil. It is not a matter of liking here better, is a matter of being more comfortable here – of knowing what to do and how to behave.

I had fun in Brazil; I did nothing and overindulged in sweets. I probably gained 10 pounds – no kidding! The cakes in Brazil are to die for (well, literally if you overindulge hahaha). Condensed milk and heavy cream are present in almost every dessert.

There was a major miracle during my stay there. For the first time in ages my father agreed to go to a restaurant with us. He never liked going out to eat much, or going out for any social reason for that matter. After one of his legs was amputated (a combination of cancer and diabetes) he has become even more of a homebody, mostly enjoying staying in and watching sports. We try to get him to go out but we don’t bother him too much, we are just extremely happy that is still alive and with us after the cancer scare. So when my mother said to him: “on Saturday we are going to eat at Casa Geraldo”, a winery and restaurant in the country side, we were all surprised, well, actually shocked, when he agreed. We were all expecting to hear all the excuses that he normally uses not to go. I was sure he was just changing his tactics and at last minute would choose to stay home. But surprise, surprise, there was no mind changing at the last minute.  We all went and had an awesome time.

Yummy food, beautiful place, great wine! Here is to people changing old habits and trying new things. Here is to open mind and open hearts! So much fun, I cannot wait to return: http://casageraldo.com.br/site/?page_id=10

Mom has come back to the US with me. She will stay for one month and drive me nuts by trying to over-feed me. Since Mom is here this will be the month of casinos, shopping, Chinese food and homemade treats!!

While in Brazil I had a minor disagreement with my sister and last night when my head hit the pillow I had a revelation. I realized that I am oftentimes (and this very evening) guilty of what I was blaming her. It is indeed true that we are normally guilty of having the very same traits that we mostly dislike on people. I am guilty of harping on a subject when nothing will be accomplished by my doing that, of not letting something go, of not letting sleeping dogs lie! I did that last night to mom and later was sorry for having acted that way. So last night in my prayers I not only thanked God for all my blessings but I asked for calm, sensibility and the ability to realize when I need to let a subject drop. And of course I asked for forgiveness.

Always when returning from a trip I come back renewed and refreshed with new ideas and the motivation to start new projects and continue old ones.  So here is to new beginnings and completion of goals. May this new motivation stay and not fall by the wayside.

“Rushing into action, you fail.
Trying to grasp things, you lose them.
Forcing a project to completion,
you ruin what was almost ripe.

Therefore the Master takes action
by letting things take their course.
He remains as calm at the end 
as at the beginning.
He has nothing,
thus has nothing to lose.
What he desires is non-desire;
what he learns is to unlearn.
He simply reminds people
of who they have always been.
He cares about nothing but the Tao.
Thus he can care for all things.” 
― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

Update on my new friends

04 Friday Oct 2013

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“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” 
― Anaïs Nin

Milton. https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2013/07/16/milton-my-new-friend/  I haven’t seen him in awhile.  His birthday was September 30 and I was going to bring him a cupcake but again he was not in his usual spot.  They have repair going on that corner and I looked around to see if he had moved to another corner but couldn’t find him.

I am hoping that is a good sign.  He had been waiting on NY City to get him housing, so perhaps that means that they relocated him to some kind of housing.

*****

C, a resident from the Nursing home called me.  https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2013/09/11/when-the-right-thing-is-also-the-hardest-thing/

He has a hard time speaking, it takes effort and concentration for the words to come out and when they do is very low and hard to understand.  Even in person I have to keep asking him to repeat, so in the telephone was worse.

I tried my best to understand and I think we were able to get some things understood.  He misses me and wants me to call or visit.  I mentioned that I had sent him a card and he said he didn’t get it.

I hope the Nursing home is not holding on to the cards that I sent.  I bought Halloween cards to some of the residents I used to visit.  For convenience and because I didn’t have everyone’s last name I put it all in a FedEx envelope and sent them to D., the girl that works there and did the visits with em.  I can’t imagine her holding on to it and not handing out.

C.  has an appointment on November 11 with a throat doctor.  He said the doctor will inject Vitamin C on his vocal chords and he will be able to speak better.  I hope that all goes well with that.  It is so hard to watch him speaking.

I am going to see if the nursing home lets me visit him when I return from my trip.

*****

This feels a bit rushed as I am leaving in 5 minutes on my way to the airport. I am going to Brazil to see my family.  I am blessed, and even more blessed for knowing I am blessed! 

Thank you God, Thank you Universe! 🙂

“Reflect upon your present blessings — of which every man has many — not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.” 
― Charles Dickens

new hope in an envelope

03 Thursday Oct 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

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“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.” 
― Paulo Coelho

As I opened my mailbox I see a familiar handwriting. I look at the post-mark and it reads September 30th.  I imagine this is the response to my text (see previous post) I ripped the envelope open and here it is in its entirety, a letter from Ex:

” September 28, 2013

Ana

I love you

I always have and always will.

For 2 1/2 years I was pretty good at loving you and holding the rest of my life together.

The last few months, I was not as good and I will never be able to make it up to you or explain how disappointed in myself that I am.

Currently, I have not yet pulled the rest of my life together and many things have worsened.

You are an exceptional and wonderful person and lady that deserves better than me and I realize how lucky and fortunate that I was to be in your life, even for just a few years.

I will always provide you with anything I can, just let me know if you need anything.”

As you may have guessed I couldn’t hold back the tears.  I want to believe that he loved me, to think that I have dreamed up what we had it is too much to take. This letter somehow validates my feelings.

“A true love story has no endings.” 
― M.F. Moonzajer

I am choosing to believe his words at this point, specially when he says I deserve better.  With him still in my heart, and I am guessing he will forever be there, I am moving on.

In 2 days I am flying to Brazil to be with my family for 10 days.  It will be good to get out of the NY air and all its memories even for a little bit.

Can I close this chapter for good?

Yes I can! And I dare believe in bigger blessings coming into my life! Ex was a blessing! He showed me love, he exposed me to new experiences.  I would not trade the time that we spent together for anything in the world.  I am a better person for having met him. Perhaps he is really showing me how much he loves me by letting me go.   I am ready to accept this new version of the story.

This letter doesn’t erase his betrayal at the end of our relationship, but somehow I feel it is already helping me heal.  Acceptance…oh sweet acceptance!

“There is a saying in Tibetan, ‘Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.’
No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

Stupid, pathetic, emotional, crazy and just plain lovable me still dealing with Ex issues!

30 Monday Sep 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

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“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” 
― Steve Maraboli,

I have been promising an update on Ex for awhile now, so it is about time I step up and do it.  It is not really an update about Ex, but about my feelings about Ex.  He, I am sure continues to do well, not ever having any issues with this break up. He was always fine, he got rid of me the same way he changes a shirt.  Without a second thought, without blinking an eye.

I am not sure if I should envy or feel sorry for people that are able to get rid of people that easy. He was able to erase 3 years like it never happened. Why am I making someone in my life so important when clearly I meant nothing?

I didn’t really want to write this update because I know I am going to look foolish. First, why after 2 years I am still struggling with feelings regarding Ex? I am better and smarter than that! Second, why did I contact him? Yep, I had never contacted him in the last 2 years, I have replied every now and then when he contacts me, but I never reached out first.  So, why now? The answer is stupidity, plain stupidity!

For a moment I thought about not writing anything about it.  But the reason why I started this blog in the first place was Ex, so if I am to leave my true feelings about this situation out of this blog I may as well stop writing it. If it is not the whole truth, what is then the point?

I go through patches of feeling high on life and not thinking about Ex at all, to phases of thinking of him every night when my head hits the pillow.

Through the summer we exchanged emails and texts regarding tickets to the US Open.  I felt good about the exchanges. I bought tickets, sent him the check and he sent me the tickets. We never met or talked on the phone.  I was happy that he never proposed meeting in person to exchange tickets/cash.  I felt this was a step towards in the right direction.  I thought to myself: perhaps one day we can be friends.

“Make a pact with yourself today to not be defined by your past. Sometimes the greatest thing to come out of all your hard work isn’t what you get for it, but what you become for it. Shake things up today! Be You…Be Free…Share.” 
― Steve Maraboli

So on the opening night at the US Open I saw him walk in and take his seat.  Even thought my seat was across the stadium I knew exactly where his seats were and my eyes couldn’t help going there every few seconds until the moment I saw him walking in with the girlfriend.

I had a friend with me and I pointed him out to her and said: I am going to text him and tell him I see him. She said do it, and I did.  All I texted was : “I see you”

He didn’t reply anything until later on when he wrote: “I wish I had seen you”.  By then I had already realized what a big mistake I had done, actually 2 seconds after sending it I wished I could have taken it back.

I didn’t reply.

The next morning he sent another text saying sorry for not having offered me a ride home and saying he hoped I had stayed dry (it had rained the night before).

Again I should have remained silent but I couldn’t help it and wrote: “I don’t think your girlfriend would be too happy sitting in the back and I am not a backseat kind of girl!”

He replied:” She knows of my love for you and would have” My thoughts when I read this was of how delusional he can be thinking that any girl would agree with  that scenario.

I just laughed it off.  I didn’t reply anything anymore.  I should not have started anything to begin with.

And life went on as usual until September 19 when he wrote:”I am sorry for the troubles between our 2 countries. I want you to know that I love you and I hope all is well”

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” 
― Steve Maraboli

For some reason that text hit a chord.  I have received texts and emails from email from him before where he will say I love you, but this one hit a nerve.  It made me feel all kids of feelings. I was sad and angry.  I have to be completely honest here and say that I still liked getting texts from him, I still like hearing that he loves me.  But, what is the point?  Does he even know what love is? If he ever loved me he wouldn’t have treated me the way he did. Why do I need still this fake closeness? But I decided not to react and let it go. Feeling that my silence was the best reply.

This text came as I was going to Boston for the wedding. I thought to myself: perfect, now I will be an emotional basket case at this wedding.  Funny enough I was not.  I was happy my friend was getting married and at no point I wanted to be the one walking down the aisle. I was shocked at my being completely unemotional about it.  There were no thoughts of Ex, of what could have been, nothing!

But for some reason after returning home, all I have been doing is think of him and miss him all over again.  Re-reading that text made me angrier and angrier at him, at myself, at the world.  How dare him stir those feelings up? Why do I still miss him when I know he is not good for me?  It seems he has some kind of radar.  As I am not even remembering he exits there comes a text from him and revives everything inside me.

“Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness.” 
― Steve Maraboli

So the past few days I have been struggling and having the craziest of thoughts. Ready to hear it?  No, you are not ready, but I am going to tell you anyway.  I came very close to asking him if he wanted to go skiing together. Yes, how stir crazy is that?  I should be committed for letting such a thought enter my mind.  Thank God, there was a little voice inside of me with some common sense.

So a few days ago I texted him and asked him not to contact me ever again. Here is what I said: “Stop hurting me by mentioning the word love.  You don’t know the meaning of the word.  You don’t have any idea of my pain. I have accepted the reality long ago but that doesn’t lessen the pain.  Help me by forgetting I exist.  It should be easy for you. Do not contact me! I wish you happiness and success.”

I cringe when I read it now. I sound childish and stupid.  It is more like a love declaration then anything else.  But at the end of the day, it is honest and it was what I was feeling at the moment.  Impulsive Aries triumphs again. oh well…

Some people ask me, what does he want.  I think he wants to be my friend.  In his mind we are friends.  He wants his actions to be okay. He thinks he did nothing wrong and if I am his friend then that is a validation that he didn’t do anything wrong.

After my text he didn’t contact me again, as I knew he wouldn’t. So now on again to the process of recovery.  I am also motivated to make new memories.  I realize that some of my favorite memories are with him, so thinking of good things in my past involves thinking of him.  It is time for me to make new memories.   I am in a way looking to rewrite the past.

So the first new memory to be recreated will be Whistler, BC.  Skiing anyone?

The bottom line is: Two years have passed and I am back at the beginning! Sad realization! No conclusion, no great insight, just the need to take one step at a time and be good to myself.

“Renew, release, let go. Yesterday’s gone. There’s nothing you can do to bring it back. You can’t “should’ve” done something. You can only DO something. Renew yourself. Release that attachment. Today is a new day!” 
― Steve Maraboli

Update – what I have been up to lately

24 Tuesday Sep 2013

Posted by in Daily Life

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Update https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2013/08/21/being-a-bridesmaid-is-for-the-birds/

So the wedding has come and gone, and honestly I am so happy it is gone.  No more worrying about the dress.  I finally settled on a sleeveless Ralph Lauren Lace gown with a slit on the side.  The only guidelines were: it had to be long and champagne.  The other bridesmaids had gowns that were shinier than mine.  One of the girls looked like she was going to attend a Quincenera party.  I think that deep down inside she wanted to be more beautiful than the bride. 

All in all the wedding went well.  I ended up having to give a speech.  I expected the sister of the bride and who I thought the Maid of Honor was to do it, but at the rehearsal when the event planner asked who was going to give the champagne toast/speech all eyes turned to me, including my friend the bride, so I had to say yes.  That night I wrote a few words.  It was pretty good for a last minute thing, it had humor and it was heartfelt.  When the time came I got up, got the page to read the speech and, I guess, out of nerves, I couldn’t make a word out on that paper, so I had to go from memory and improvise a bit.  It worked! People laughed and applauded at the right times.

The most important thing is my friend (the bride) was happy with how everything turned out.

“I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.” 
― Jarod Kintz

***

Work is still up and down, and down, and down… when are we going to be stable and not have to worry about money???

***

Update https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2013/01/25/embarrassed-to-be-brazilian/

Finally I will be getting a Brazilian passport valid for 5 years instead of just 1 year. It is all about the person that helps you.  This woman that I talk to today didn’t want to see any documents other than the old passport and a copy of my birth certificate.  She said she doesn’t understand why I was given such a hard time in the past. All is well that ends well!

***

It was my dad’s birthday yesterday.  He is 77 years old.   Amazing he is alive after battling cancer and coming so close to dying.  His will to live, and fear of dying is what I believe made the difference. Well, the doctors also said that the fact that he never smoke or drank a day in his life helped insure the success of the operation he had to go through.

***

Classes:

I started a mosaic class last week.  It will be a total of 5 classes, and at the end I will have a finished product. I have to be honest and say I didn’t love the first class.  I loved the teacher’s loft with water views.  I want to live in a loft with water views!!!

I also started tap/jazz classes. It will be held once a week, on Friday evenings.  Not my first preference for the day of the week to have class, I already had to miss last week.  There will be a recital in June.  Tell me, why do I sign up for this stuff?

***

e-Harmony

it has been okay. Nobody interesting at the moment, but things can change rather quickly – this is the beauty of life, I guess – things can change in an instant.  Some times I am more motivated, other times I am realizing the joys of being single.

***

Brazil here I  come!! October 4th.  So now I am on the packing and shopping phase/craze.

***

Ex, oh Ex, why after 2 years you still matter? why does my heart still hurts?

Will devote a post to that in a couple of days.

“Love is the absence of judgment.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

Ohio and New York are friends!

13 Friday Sep 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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e-Harmony is becoming a great place for me to make friends.  I haven’t had too many dates, but the ones that I had have all been great guys, but – there is always a but – no chemistry.

“Accept what life offers you and try to drink from every cup. All wines should be tasted; some should only be sipped, but with others, drink the whole bottle.” 
― Paulo Coelho

My last date was a 4-day date.  He lives in Ohio and came for a long weekend starting on Thursday. Even before the date I knew this was not going to be romance and just friendship.  I think he knew that too. But still we wanted to meet because we seemed to speak the same language regarding a lot of subjects. I am interested in meeting smart people, not necessarily just a potential mate.  I am interested in learning from people.

It was a great weekend!  It started with watching some tennis and having dinner at the US Open on Thursday night.

On Friday I took the day off and showed him my town.  We had breakfast at my apartment, ran errands and walked to the park and beach.  Then an early dinner at a local Indian restaurant followed by a train ride to the city for a Broadway show.  We saw Motown and it was awesome!

Saturday during the day we went to Central Park and had lunch at Plataforma – Brazilian Rodizio.  We were going to MOMA but we wanted to see the men’s semi final match so we went to a Pub to watch the match instead.   After that we took the train back home.  We got to my apartment too exhausted to do anything else other than watch TV: College Football (not my first choice but I am a gracious host. I even made awesome popcorn!)

On Sunday we met up at his hotel and had breakfast at a nearby diner and then I drove him to the airport.  I was exhausted from the weekend and considered it a success since I had fun and made a friend in the process.  In person he wasn’t as smart and interesting, but still we had great conversations.

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” 
― Eleanor Roosevelt

There is one thing annoying me now.  On Monday he sent me a text saying that he wanted to keep our relationship just on a friendship level.  I was shocked! What? Why did he need to send this text?  What in my behavior made it seem that I wanted anything other than friendship?

Even before he came we had already talked about the fact that we both felt we could be awesome friends and were not sure about romance. Upon meeting for the first time there was no fireworks or even a spark of chemistry, at that moment I knew there was not a chance of romance here.  Throughout the weekend there was no attempt at hand holding or any physical contact, there was no flirting or any conversation that had any tone of romance.  And to me it was perfectly fine since I didn’t want to have to turn him down.

Did he think I entertained any romantic ideas about him?  What gave him that impression?  I was a gracious host and went out of my way to make sure he had a nice time, but I am Brazilian and that is what we do when we have a visitor, any visitor.  You come to my house you will get the VIP treatment.

Why the need to say anything? I am curious and yet have learned that I don’t need to know everything.  So I will not ask him why he thought he needed to clarify something that I thought was more than clear.

I just replied: It is great when everyone is in agreement!

“A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.” 
― Rita Rudner

I am not disappointed with e-Harmony. This time around I am okay with it.  I guess it has to do with expectations.  I am not in it to find the One, I am there mostly as distraction and to meet people.  If I find the One in the process it will be wonderful, but if I don’t it is okay too.  I like the idea of putting myself out there and meeting different people. I have met men that I would not have met otherwise.  While learning about them I realized I learned even more about myself. Just wonderful!

Since I am my biggest fan, I applaud my resilience, my willingness to get out there and try.  I love how thick skinned I have gotten.  One thing I am realizing is that I am incredibly lucky and blessed to have my freedom and independence.  I can do whatever I want, whenever I want!

It is not about finding a partner anymore.  It is about enjoying this very moment!

“Happiness, not in another place but this place…not for another hour, but this hour.” 
― Walt Whitman