“I didn’t want my life to be an occasional adventure. I wanted adventure to be my life.” ― Jean-Philippe Soulé, I, Tarzan: Against All Odds
The other day a friend teased me when I said I was afraid to ride one of those e-scooters. He said: You? Really? Aren’t you Miss Adventure?
I always considered myself adventurous, but what have I been doing lately that qualifies as adventurous? Just calling myself adventurous doesn’t make me adventurous.
There are over 200 e-scooters and 30 bikes available around downtown New Rochelle. They seem fun and dangerous at the same time. I toy with the idea of trying the scooter above out.
Perhaps on a grassy field with no people or cars around. Visions of attempting to rollerblade come to mind. I didn’t do any better with piloting a motorcycle. I broke the mirror on my sister’s bike on the first try.
“Adventures are all very well in their place, but there’s a lot to be said for regular meals and freedom from pain.” ― Neil Gaiman, Stardust
Do I have to risk injury to prove I am adventurous, or perhaps I should just quit portraying myself as such?
Perhaps I can just be adventurous in mind and not in action. In my mind I am everything.
As far as the bike above, I am not afraid of it. I just haven’t rode one in several years. I figure one of theses days I will be riding one. It should be easy, after all, it is just like riding a bike 🙂
Or perhaps I should be afraid of it. I still remember the last time I was on one. It was right in downtown New Rochelle, and I think I was riding on the wrong side of the street or something like that. A man stuck his head out of his van and yelled: “Lady, you are going to kill yourself”.
“Until you step into the unknown, you don’t know what you’re made of.” ― Roy T. Bennett
I rode home and was never on a bike again. I am not sure if he was the reason or if I just didn’t have a chance to ride again.
Can I just walk and be adventurous, or do I have to risk life and limb? I already risk myself skiing.
“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt
Why is it so important to me to be adventurous, or to see myself as adventurous? I guess I equate “being adventurous” as “fully enjoying life” and “living with gusto”.
I fully embrace the idea that we have to do things we fear to be able to grow. Perhaps that is the reason that I hang on to skiing. To feel adventurous. And to also feel young and powerful.
I fear being stuck, and not growing. One of the worst sins for me would be to one day look back in my life, and realize that I wasted my life for fear. Fear of trying, fear of getting hurt, fear of making a fool of myself, etc.
With all that being said: No, I am not trying that e-scooter any time soon. And yes, I am going to continue to call myself adventurous.
Hi, I am Ana and I am adventurous, and yet cautious.
“To venture causes anxiety, but not to venture is to lose one’s self…. And to venture in the highest is precisely to be conscious of one’s self.” ― Søren Kierkegaard
“To venture causes anxiety, but not to venture is to lose one’s self…. And to venture in the highest is precisely to be conscious of one’s self.”― Søren Kierkegaard
Weather permitting, tomorrow morning I will be on my way to Winter Park, Colorado. Fingers crossed.
I am so excited for this trip. I cannot wait to experience the majesty, beauty and freedom of a snowy mountain. I am looking forward to skiing again. Skiing is very challenging to me, and that is another reason why I love it so much. It doesn’t come easy to me. My body fights me every step of the way.
Today, a co-worker/friend jokingly said to me: “Ana, you have no business going skiing!” I know it sounds bad, but I didn’t take offense. He is a good person that would never say anything to hurt me. He was just pointing out the obvious. He knows about my issues with hip, back and collarbone pains.
Still what he said got me thinking. I think I take pleasure in doing things that “I have no business doing”. That is probably one of the attractions for me. All my Brazilian friends are horrified that I rather be on a cold mountain instead of a hot beach. I like beaches too, but given the choice I choose the cold mountain.
Then there is the fact that I am going alone. So perhaps this whole trip is a bit crazy but isn’t the crazy moments in life the best? Who is to say what is my business and what is not?
I have a lot thoughts about that and want to expand on it, but it is 11pm and I have to get up at 4am to catch my flight.
I also wanted to write about fear. Skiing scares me, and yet entices me so much. What is fear?
I gotta run and will be back here soon. Is anyone in Winter Park or near?
Go and do something that you have no business doing, but want to do it!
“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.”― Terry Pratchett
The view from my room at the Beaver Run in Breckenridge, CO
“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
I have been back from my vacation in Breckenridge, Colorado for one week now, but it feels more like an old memory. Work, family, life takes over immediately.
Before my trip I was not even sure if I was going to be able to ski due to my issues with back, hip and TOS-neck/shoulder/arm pain. I am glad to say that I skied and took lessons 4 afternoons.
On the last day the instructor took us on blues and I could feel the fear creeping in. When that happens I lose my form and everything starts hurting. So later when he decided to go on harder blues I decided that was enough for me. I just aspire to be more comfortable on skis and go at my own pace. I really have no desire to do harder blues and blacks at this point, if that happens it happens. It is not necessary for me to be enjoy skiing.
I love the thrill, the challenge and the freedom of skiing! So just being there on skis is amazing to me.
While there I met with couple of guys that had contacted me through an ad I placed on Craigslist. And I must stress here that I am extremely safe when being on Craigslist. I only communicate with people that I can ascertain that they are who they say they are.
I met 3 guys. Went to dinner with 2 and they were perfect gentlemen. The third one we had met in the afternoon and were supposed to go to dinner later but I decided not to go through with it as his intentions seemed very different than mine.
The only minor issue I had on the trip was the altitude sickness. I never felt 100%. I had some dizziness, headaches and was short of breath daily. This will make me stay away from Colorado for awhile.
All in all my trip was a success and I was very happy I went!
***
I was back for 2 days, happy to be in my own bed, then storm Stella was making its way to NY and I had to stay in a hotel in NY City to be close to work for 2 nights. I wasn’t planning on it so I hadn’t packed any clothes or anything. The only store open was Duane Read, so I had to make do with what they had to sell. So for 2 days I were men’s undershirt, men’s sock and underwear (women’s) from Duane Read. I loved the socks. From now on I may only buy Duane Read’s men’s socks.
***
Now that I am back I am seeing an Eastern Medicine doctor for my issues. I have seen him twice. He did acupuncture, cupping, a few chiropractic moves and taught me an exercise to do at home. I see some improvement. The back and hip are doing great, the collarbone is still protruding, which I don’t expect to go back in place any time soon, and I still have the feeling of the muscles being pulled down and the numbness of the arm at night. I figure it will take time to be 100% again.
***
My dating life has been very active this past week. I will write about it on my next post.
Everyone please have a wonderful week ahead. No matter what life throws at you, smile and keep forgiveness and peace in your heart!
“She was free in her wildness. She was a wanderess, a drop of free water. She belonged to no man and to no city” – Roman Payne
“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility.” – Kahlil Gibran
After being evaluated by the doctor and doing an X-ray he determined I have Thoracic Outlet Syndrome (TOS). The x-ray didn’t show any tumors but there is still the possibility I have herniated discs in my neck. I will need a MRI to determine that, but at this point I will follow the treatment for TOS and if there is no response than I will do an MRI.
TOS is an irritation of blood vessels and muscles behind and around the clavicle bone. TOS can happen because of injury, bad posture, repetitive movements, stress, a variety of reasons, but often times there is no specific cause. In my case I know that stress has been a contributing factor. I have had the pain in the neck shooting down for the past several months, ignoring it was not the best thing to do. Were not for the bone sticking out and being noticeable I would probably just continue to be in pain and do nothing about it.
“You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, who had ever been alive.” – James Baldwin
On Tuesday I went to the doctor for the first treatment, but as faith would have my back and hip was so painful that I chose to address that first. During the evaluation the doctor had already mentioned that he was more concerned with my hip and back. I have had herniated discs in back since I was 25 and for the last 4 years I have bursitis and arthritis in my right hip.
My identical twin sister has herniated discs in her neck and in the past 10 days she can barely walk because of her back. It is interesting that, even though living countries apart, we struggle with the same ailments. We have always had similar pains at similar times or days apart.
“There is a saying in Tibetan, ‘Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.’ No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster.” – Dalai Lama XIV
All these ailments are putting a damper on my upcoming skiing trip. I tried to cancel it, but only got the lift tickets and the skiing lessons refunded. The hotel and flight was non-refundable, which may turn out to be a good thing as I do need to take some time away from everything.
Not skiing is not the end of the world. I will focus on what I can do and not what I can’t. I am blessed to be able to take a vacation and go to a beautiful place like Breckenridge. I am not going to dare to complain about a little detail such a not being able to ski.
Today I return to the doctor for another treatment. Since the back and hip is feeling a little better I will have him focus on the collarbone.
On a side note I went to mass yesterday. Yes I am all proud of myself! The sermon was about the fact that God is in control so we have nothing to worry about, and on that note I go on knowing that all is taken care of. No worries!
“Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” – C.S. Lewis
What comes to mind when you look at the picture above? Peace and tranquility? Solitude and loneliness?
What do you see first, the beautiful vast mountain or the cold empty chair?
To me it is impossible not to see the brilliance of God and not to feel immensely blessed to have the opportunity of witnessing such majestic views.
There was also a pang of sadness as this was my last day in the resort and I imagined the chair was empty because I was leaving.
I just returned from my skiing adventure in Park City, Utah. I am still shaky and lack confidence in my skiing skills but I am proud of myself for not giving up on something I have grown to love but that it remains challenging.
I enjoy the freedom of being on the mountain and making my way down at my own pace, not pretty and not perfect but always feeling powerful when I arrive at the bottom.
“I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.” – Albert Einstein
I didn’t do much, other than skiing during the day and walking around in town in the evenings. Did I feel alone? Not really. Would I rather have someone there with me? Absolutely! Everything is better when shared with a loved one.
Last time I went skiing alone I made contact with people that were going to be at the resort at the same time I would. I made plans to meet a couple of people and one became a good friend/pen pal. This time I didn’t have the time/inclination/energy to spend time posting and doing research on people to meet, so I knew there would be dinners alone.
“I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.” – Charlotte Bronte
I am coming to the realization that loneliness is a state of mind. I skied alone, I sat in restaurants alone and yet I didn’t feel alone. I talked to people around me. Some were happy to talk while others were monosyllable. It didn’t bother me when someone didn’t feel like talking. Not taking things personally is a skill that I am mastering.
I am sufficient, I am enough! It is a great realization! The more self sufficient, the happier I am alone, the better a partner I will be when the right person comes along. There is empowered in solo adventures.
I plan on doing much more travelling alone if no one wants to come with me. Everyone is welcome to join me but I am not waiting for anyone. Life waits for nobody, why should I?
“At first I felt dizzy – not with the kind of dizziness that makes the body reel but the kind that’s like a dead emptiness in the brain, an instinctive awareness of the void.” – Fernando Pessoa
For some reason this Valentine’s Day is not bothering me as others have. Being single and alone is very comfortable and welcoming right now. I am enjoying and rejoicing in it. I am sufficient, I am enough – amazing discovery!
With that being said I continue to put myself out there and go on dates. I had a weird experience tonight that I will describe in a next blog.
Also, of course Ex had to send me a text wishing me Happy Valentine’s Day. I will discuss my feelings about it also in that next blog.
Remember to say I love you to the important people in your life, not only with words but with actions.
***
Lessons on a mountain! Choosing the right route for me!
“You always need to work hard. You always need to be willing to work hard. Not everything will be hard, but you should, at the very least, be willing to work hard.” ― Tom Giaquinto, Be A Good Human
I embarked on my skiing trip to Whistler so confident that I almost had to buy two seats in the plane to fit me and my ego. I thought I would get there and just magically be skiing blue trails.
On the first day I decided to go on a blue trail and realized I was biting more than I could chew, so I decided to get back to greens until my lessons the following days.
On the second and third days I had lessons with an instructor I didn’t care for. I thought he was a bit lazy and since I was the best one in the group I didn’t feel challenged. I thought the group was dragging me down. I had a bad internal attitude even though externally I was being agreeable and happy.
On the 4th day I had an instructor that was great. He challenged us and paid attention to what each one of us was doing. I was having so much fun. Then all of a sudden things changed. I cannot pinpoint the exact moment things changed. But all of a sudden there were voices of doubt in my head. They kept getting louder and louder. My legs stopped listening to me. I was suddenly the slowest, and the most scared of the group. I went from full confidence skiing greens and even blues in the morning to complete self-doubt in the afternoon.
In the afternoon I fell twice. I don’t have a problem with falling, I welcome it as a sign that I am taking chances. Except that was not the case this time. I didn’t lose my confidence because I fell, I fell because I lost my confidence. I became scared and started playing safe and not trusting my abilities.
The more I look back the more confused I get with what happened to me. I don’t have a reason for it other then to say that there were lessons I needed to learn.
“Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.” ― Rumi,
On the last day, fear had consumed me so much that I was now completely scared of greens. But I forced myself to continue trying even though I was now on the easiest green they have, where beginners start.
The whole time I am battling my mind I am thinking of ways to stop it. I am asking for help from God, from the Light, I am trying to talk myself out of this paralysis I find myself in. I am trying not to think of how dangerous the sport can be, because right now my mind has me thinking of even death. Then came the inevitable thought of quitting. Why do I need to continue to subject myself to this? What do I have to prove? And to whom?
I am no quitter! I have nothing to prove, but I never quit anything just because it was difficult. If anything difficulties make me want it even more. This is merely a roadblock, a distraction from my main goal. I know better than to quit over a minor setback.
“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.”
―Paulo Coelho,Alchemist
There are many lessons here and I wish I knew what they all were, but for now this is what I am taking from it:
– Focus on myself. Instead of focusing on what I didn’t like about the first instructor and in the progress of the other students I should have focused on my progress. Focusing on the instructors made me negative and slowly corrupted my mind.
– Don’t judge and compare others. I kept comparing the first instructor with an awesome instructor I had in Colorado. Instead I should have been trying to learn and asking questions. He is an instructor for a reason, perhaps I should have given him more of a chance.
-Don’t compare yourself to others and think you are better or worse than they are. I was too busy comparing myself to the others in the group instead of watching my progress or lack of it. In the first group I considered myself the best, in the second I became the worst, but none of that should have mattered. It is not a competition!
-Don’t pretend to be happy and go with the flow if you have an option. I didn’t have to have same instructor on 2 straight days. I could and should have asked for another one. Trying to be agreeable is not always a good thing.
– Fear doesn’t have to be my enemy! Having a bit of fear and respect of nature and also an understanding of my abilities is a good thing if it means that it keeps me safe and from putting myself in unnecessary dangerous situations.
“Your hand opens and closes, opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralysed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birds’ wings.” ― Rumi
– Don’t be overconfident. Don’t be so full of yourself that you will misjudge your own abilities. Don’t expect progress when you don’t even know how your body will behave on a certain day and under certain conditions. Take things as they come, welcoming progress and learning from setbacks.
– Manage your expectations well. Be careful with expectations. Remember about always doing your best, but know that that your best changes. The conditions made all the runs difficult so I should have expected my performance to suffer and should have managed my expectations accordingly.
– Think of why you are doing something to begin with. I am skiing because is both challenging and fun. I should welcome challenging days as a huge opportunity for growth. I love it ski, I look forward to it. I don’t care how cold, how uncomfortable, how tired I am, I wish I was on a mountain right now.
– Life needs balance and it is all about balance. Self esteem needs balance. I am not the best or worst, I am my best/worst as I decide to be. I should strive for balance. Thinking highly of myself is mostly a good thing, but not when it blinds me to everything else, or when I consider myself superior to others.
“Make a pact with yourself today to not be defined by your past. Sometimes the greatest thing to come out of all your hard work isn’t what you get for it, but what you become for it. Shake things up today! Be You…Be Free…Share.”
― Steve Maraboli
I am determined not to let that fear interfere with my future. I didn’t recognize that person on the mountain! Finding out I have an insecure, unsure, fearful side was not pleasant, but I am sure it was for the best. I think this minor setback will make me stronger in the long run. Things that are easy acquired have no value; they are easily taken for granted. Being a good, comfortable skier is my aim and it will taste that much sweeter when I attain it. And I know I will, it is just a matter of when. I am not giving up. If anything, I am more enthusiastic about getting better. Each mountain is a lesson.
“My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.” ― Ellen DeGeneres
At the end of the day I am glad for having experienced different feelings in my head and different conditions on the mountain. For some reason, my head took over and my heart went silent, while that is never the case in my life. Note to self: strive for balance of heart and mind.
And here is something that I know for sure: I am a flawed human, and yet I am wonderfully perfect!
I am back! It is hard to believe that is has already come and gone!
The trip was a success, even if I have returned with a bruised ego and shaky confidence in my skiing. I will save my bruised ego details for the next post. I am happy to say, that on the other hand, my confidence in travelling alone has not only returned, it has skyrocketed!!
I took an Air Canada flight and everything went fine. It is just annoying that they don’t allow even one free piece of luggage, if you want to take anything you better be prepared to spend $25 each piece. I find that almost insulting after paying so much for the flight.
The Crystal Lodge
I stayed at the Crystal Lodge in Whistler, very close to the Gondola and lifts. Skiing is an uncomfortable sport so I really try to maximize my comfort by staying as close as I can to the mountain. There was originally a mix-up with my room but once I complained they quickly gave me a much better one. I had a balcony and a view of the mountain from it and from the other window a view of the village.
View from the balcony of my room
The weather was a letdown. I had been there twice before and both times the entire village and mountain was covered in fresh snow. This time there was no fresh snow and it was extremely cold. The consolation was that it was very sunny and also the mountain made snow non-stop. It is also a good thing to ski under different types of conditions as I learn.
Sunny and Beautiful Cold Days
The below picture shows the temperatures on my last day there, which was already getting warmer than the previous days. This coming week will be warm and there will be several snow days ahead, of course! lol I am not complaining about the cold, I am stating the fact. I had many layers and was not cold at all.
BRRR COLD!!!
As I had mentioned I went alone. I put an ad on Craigslist and ended up meeting a guy from Montreal, that was in a similar predicament as I was: skiing alone for one week. We skied 2 days together and had various meals together. There was no romance, and that was not the intention of the ad. The aim of my ad was for a dinner companion. Whistler has amazing restaurants, I wanted to make sure to eat at some of them and I didn’t feel like eating alone. I have made a friend. (of course I got all sorts of response to my ad, rude, crude, etc. I want to make sure that I am in no way recommending Craigslist or any online medium. I am extremely careful and don’t ever meet anyone until I am certain that I am safe, and always meet in a public place. So being safe is key, online and otherwise).
Peak to Peak Gondola
I also made several friends in the lifts and in the classes I took, I exchanged emails with them and even got invitations to visit Australia and Japan. I actually spent very little time alone and could have used more time alone as a matter of fact.
Whistler Mountain
I am so happy for having done this trip and I am already thinking of the next one. Looking back I don’t know why I procrastinated for so long. Whistler is beautiful and majestic. I love the little village and love that I know my well around it well. I am sure I will return many times over. I am blessed and I know it! I am grateful!
“Every person needs to take one day away. A day in which one consciously separates the past from the future. Jobs, family, employers, and friends can exist one day without any one of us, and if our egos permit us to confess, they could exist eternally in our absence. Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for. Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us.”― Maya Angelou
“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” *
My skiing trip is all planned! Whistler it is! I am so excited about this trip; I am like a kid going to Disney! There are many things that make me happy about this trip, besides the pure love of skiing:
1) Practice makes it perfect. I enjoy realizing that with persistence and practice I can get better at anything I put my mind to it. Nothing is unattainable! I am not going to be an expert but I am going to improve until I am as comfortable skiing as I am walking.
“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” *
2) Being challenged. I love how challenging it is for me, and still I know I can conquer it. The falling and getting up multiple times is a great lesson. In skiing I don’t see not falling as a good thing; I see it as I am playing it safe, I am not challenging myself. It is the perfect analogy for life. We can get too comfortable in it and not strive to get better and reach our potential. Our potential as human beings and God’s children is limitless. The sky is the limit; we can have it all and do it all. Keep on falling…and getting up.
“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.”*
3) Freedom from thought. At the top of a snowy mountain is the only place and time in the world where my mind is totally thoughtless. There are times that I stop right at the top and I look around and I actually look for thoughts as I appreciate my smallness in the world. I feel this indescribable peace within me. I feel so infinitely small before God’s amazing nature and yet so powerful and rich. I feel blessed to be able to experience this.
“I’m alive. When I’m eating that’s all I think about. If I’m on the march, I just concentrate on marching. If I have to fight,it will be just as good a day as any to die. If you can concentrate always on the present, you’ll be a happy man. Life is the moment we are living now.”*
4) Being self sufficient. This trip was my idea, my decisions, my planning. I am going alone and I just know it will be even more fun than I dream of. This is a major step to being back to my very confident single self. The world is my oyster, Whistler is just the beginning!
I want to live as I ski, boldly! Falling and getting up, taking chances, combining tiny steps into long strides. Going forward always! Laughing in the face of fear!
“People are capable, at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream of.”*
5) Making new memories. Finally and perhaps most important at this time, I will be making new memories in Whistler. The memories I have of Whistler are all with Ex. I have to give him credit for introducing me to skiing and for making it all as comfortable and fun as possible. It was because of him that I discovered and fell in love with skiing. On the first day when I wanted to give up, he is the one that made me relax and try again. Thank you Ex, I am forever grateful!
“Don’t think about what you’ve left behind” The alchemist said to the boy as they began to ride across the sands of the desert. “If what one finds is made of pure matter, it will never spoil. And one can always come back. If what you had found was only a moment of light, like the explosion of a star, you would find nothing on your return.” *
******
Speaking of Ex, I realized that I don’t have to rebel and go against and let go of everything I enjoyed with Ex.
“And, when you can’t go back, you have to worry only about the best way of moving forward.” *
His mother. I don’t have to stop talking to his mother. My relationship with his mother has become even stronger. There was a moment I thought about breaking it off, but I am glad I didn’t. She is a cool person and the love we have for each other is genuine.
“One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.” *
Kansas City Chiefs. I spent a week at their training camp and learned the rules of the game by watching them. I love an underdog because in many ways I feel like one. Immediately after the breakup I gave all my jerseys away in an effort of erasing Ex out of my life, as if it was going to be that easy. I have recently realized that I don’t need to find a new team. The Chiefs are my team and that is final! All they need to do now is win a Super Bowl for me!! 🙂
Skiing and Tennis. I never met anyone so athletic and so great at all sports as Ex. ( is lying and cheating a sport?). I plan on continuing trying to get better and enjoying both, skiing and tennis as much as possible and as much as my hip and shoulder will allow it.
“We are travelers on a cosmic journey,stardust,swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share.This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity.” *
The fact is that my new (well, not so new) single life doesn’t have to revert to what it was before Ex. My today is composed of all my yesterdays, of all experiences with every single person that came and comes into my life, even if for one moment. I am a better person today because of all the good and bad experiences that people I have shared life with afforded me. I am not going to try to forget them and pretend they never existed. I am going to rejoice on them, learn from them and build upon them!
“Because I don’t live in either my past or my future.I’m interested only in the present”.” *
*All quotes are from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I was having an Alchemist kind of moment – it was hard not to quote the entire book!
I have been procrastinating planning a skiing trip since the beginning of December. I finally realized why. I have been waiting! I have been waiting for the right time, the right location, the right weather, the right price, but most important and most disturbing to me, I have been waiting for company, for someone. I have been waiting for a miracle in the form of a person.
I have been waiting for someone to step up and say: I want to go skiing with you! I had this crazy idea that by now I would have met someone, not to love me, but just to ski with me. No such luck! Well, perhaps the luck is in not finding someone and to have to face certain truths.
It has been a daily thing. I get up motivated thinking today is the day that I will make decisions as far as my trip is concerned. I start researching places and dates and all of a sudden it all seems too much and I let it go. I keep coming up with excuses:
Excuse #1: It is too much money! Truth: I am a wise spender and like to indulge on this I love such as skiing trips and massages. Plus I have been saving for it!
Excuse #2: It is not the right time to be away from work. Truth: There never seems to be a perfect time to be out of the office. I have done it many times before and everyone survived.
Excuse #3: I am sure the moment I plan something I will meet someone and the plans will conflict. Truth: It could or it could not happen, but waiting for it is dumb. If I meet someone, they can either fit in my plans or they can wait until I am done with my plans.
“Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone”
― Pablo Picasso
I have been guilty of doing something that, a long time ago, I had vowed never to do: To wait for someone to do something with or to get something done. Shame on me! I should and I know better! I have done so much alone, with no issues or problems. It is time to get back to that fierce independence, and just get out there and do it!
My beautiful (she is my identical twin lol) and wise sister said to me today: What is going on? You always went on trips alone and you always had a lot fun! Stop making excuses!
My advice to you and at the same time to me is: Don’t wait until tomorrow and, most important, don’t wait for others! Start living the life you want now! All it takes it a first step! Embrace yourself, embrace now! (Are you listening Miss Blessed?)
The right time is now! The right person is you! You alone are enough! If it needs to be done, needs to be done now! If you want to experience something, try something new, a new sport, a new craft, whatever it is, start now!
What do you want to accomplish? Look into your heart, I am sure there is at least one thing you want to do or try. Can you imagine if you had already started it last week, last month, last year? So don’t waste any more time!
Don’t wait until you lose weight to wear the clothes you like, to take a trip, to go on dates. Life doesn’t wait for anyone. Life is going by while we make excuses not to live it. Life passes while we make plans or, worse, plan to make plans. So instead we just watch life, we watch others all around us, we watch it on TV. We make ourselves busy with nothing, instead of getting out there and doing something.
As soon as I post this blog, I will get focused on finalizing my trip details. I am still all over the place, from flying to Utah at the end of January to renting a car and driving to Vermont in February, but I have faith that by Friday I will have it all set!
“Today is a new day. Don’t let your history interfere with your destiny! Let today be the day you stop being a victim of your circumstances and start taking action towards the life you want. You have the power and the time to shape your life. Break free from the poisonous victim mentality and embrace the truth of your greatness. You were not meant for a mundane or mediocre life!”
― Steve Maraboli
“How would your life be different if…You stopped making negative judgmental assumptions about people you encounter? Let today be the day…You look for the good in everyone you meet and respect their journey.”
― Steve Maraboli
He didn’t call! I cannot say I am shocked, but I am surprised and yet I knew it in my heart. It is hard to explain, I had this instinct, this gut feeling that he would not call but at the same time how could he not after the great time we had? So there was this little trace of hope, but as the one week mark approaches that hope has vanished.
This dating thing is odd. Well, I guess people are odd. (“Don’t blame the game blame the player”) Some guys will call right away asking for another date when it was clear that there was zero chemistry, and then there are the dates where the sparks were flying all over the place and the guy never calls.
In the past I asked a guy that I dated, well dated is a loose word, because I made sure to tell him that I accepted to go out as friends and he said he was okay with that. So I asked him why he continued to pursue me when it was clear I had zero interest in him romantically and he said, and I quote: “I thought I could change your mind”. Then I asked one guy why he disappeared after a few great dates and he said, and again, I quote: “I think you are still in love with your ex-boyfriend”.
“The truest form of love is how you behave toward someone, not how you feel about them.”
― Steve Hall
People have their reasons for doing things. I don’t have a problem with that. I have a problem with the delivery, the lack of respect in the way things are done. To just disappear? Perhaps that is an acceptable dating behavior, but to me just screams of cowardice and lack of respect!
I am proud to say that I will not be calling him and asking him what happened. I don’t care! I no longer need closure for this type of things because I no longer allow my heart to get involved that early in the game. Genius solution: no heart, no pain!
It was just a date, and I am learning to lighten up. (“learning” being the key here, I still take things way too seriously, and expect the best of people)
“Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners”
― Laurence Sterne
At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter the reason why someone chooses to do or not do something. What matters is how I conduct myself. What matters is that I am honest and upfront with everyone. I am only responsible for my actions.
I could come up with 300 reasons/excuses why he didn’t call, but at the day the truth is: “He is just not that into me”.
When a man wants something he goes after it, he will move mountains if he has to. Nothing will prevent him for getting what he wants. Well, at least that is the man I want. I don’t want the insecure and fearful. I want the brave!
I don’t want to judge (and yet this is what this post turned out to be about), but I appreciate honesty. I appreciate the man that does not just disappear, that all of a sudden stops calling and e-mailing and you are left to wonder what happened. I appreciate the man that steps up to the plate and tells me why he no longer wants to talk to me. I guess I still have a lot to learn. “The Four Agreements” just came to mind.
I still would not have changed a single thing about the date. Well, perhaps I would have made sure to get an extra kiss!
Next!
****
“Trying and getting hurt can’t possibly be worse for you than being… stuck.”
― Eliezer Yudkowsky,
I have just been invited to the Kanye West concert at Madison Square Garden this Saturday. I said yes, but I am not sure if it will work out or not. I have never met this person or spoke with him on the phone, but I figure that I will be safe at a concert. We still have to talk on the phone and iron details out and between now and Saturday a lot can happen …
This person is not the type of person I have been going on dates with lately – in all senses. But perhaps there lies the magic.
I am not willing to discount someone because of appearances, because of their profession or lack of formal education. I want to decide on integrity, respect, morals, and manners. I care about actions, not words. I don’t care where someone has been; I care about where they are going.
“In order to fly you have to create space in the open air so that your wings can really spread out. It’s like a parachute. They only work from a high altitude. To fly you have to begin taking risks. If you don’t want to, maybe the best thing is just to give up, and keep walking forever.”
― Jorge Bucay,
***
“Icare for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.”
― Charlotte Brontë
But here are the real big questions occupying my mind lately:
1) What am I going to do for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years? I don’t have family here in the US and I don’t normally fly to Brazil on holidays. I used to go on Thanksgiving just to take advantage of the extra off days, but it hasn’t worked out the last few years. I don’t mind spending alone (read: alone, not lonely), but alone doing something fun and exciting is much better.
Perhaps there is a soup kitchen somewhere…but I have always been told they have enough volunteers. I am kind of sick of trying to volunteer, unfortunately!
“Christmas is our annual reminder to look up– pondering celestial stars, to look out– serving those in need, and to look down– glorifying our Lord in humble prayer.”
― Richelle E. Goodrich
2) Where and when am I going skiing? I know I am going alone, but I can’t seem to decide on a date and location. I wanted to go to Whistler, BC for Christmas but I am just not sure. I welcome ideas for mountains that are beginner and single friendly.
“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continueto disappoint them.”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper
