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Tag Archives: Life

Out with the Old, Making Room for The New!

08 Friday Nov 2013

Posted by in Daily Life

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“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come. -” 
― Joseph Campbell

I feel the need to clean up.  I feel heavy and need to become lighter.  I feel stuck, stationary.  I feel weighed down.  I need to stop carrying baggage, all sorts of baggage.  I need to move forward.

Hate me if you want, but I am one of those crazy people that love cleaning and organizing.  I have always been a big fan of cleaning, organizing, discarding the old and the broken and making room for the new.  It is cathartic. I would even dare to say it is life changing.  Every time I am down I start cleaning and feel immediately better.

The world we live in is so materialistic, so we all tend to accumulate stuff that we don’t need/use.   I have played a part in this acquiring game.  It seems some people always want to have the newer, the bigger, the better, and the faster.  Where and when do we stop?  Where is the thought, the need, the balance?

For me this time is here and now!!

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” 
― Andy Warhol

I am not only talking about my apartment, I am talking about my life.  I am starting with my closet, but that is just the beginning.  Nothing is safe, nothing will be spared.

This cleaning up involves, not only clothing and books, but photos, emails, memories, people. Everything I can think of, everything I come across as I go about my day. Everything will be evaluated to see if it is adding to my life or detracting from it.

I am on the lookout for hidden baggage, things that are weighing me down without my even my realizing, and that is when I realized that some people have become a heavy burden.

“Set fire to the broken pieces; start anew.” 
― Lauren DeStefano, Sever

Besides cleaning I will also be burning bridges. Yes, I am going to do what everyone says it shouldn’t be done.  I don’t want to go back and I don’t want anyone getting back either.  Going back to things and people that are not adding to your life should not be an option. So, in a way, I will be cleaning people out of my life and hopefully out of my heart.

I realized I had been keeping some doors open because I didn’t to hurt people’s feeling, and I suspect that deep down inside, I was hoping that people would change.  But I feel those open doors are hurting me.  Leaving the door always half open to people and things don’t work anymore.  Thinking that you will eventually have use for an object, or that eventually you will fit in those jeans or that, somehow, that one person will realize how awesome your friendship is, is becoming detrimental to me.  It is not allowing room for the new and the better to get in.

I am cleaning everything and it feels amazing.  It feels like great first steps in a brand new life.

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come. -” 
― Joseph Campbell

The material things I am seeing if I can repurpose, if it can become somebody else’s treasure.  I give it away with gratitude in my heart for how that item at one point was important to me.  To people, I am saying I am important and you are doing me harm by your lack of consideration, so I don’t want to hear from you anymore.   I thank you for the purpose you have served, for the lessons you taught.   I wish joy and success in the future, but I will no longer be playing any part in it.

My cleaning is on-going, as each new day brings new cleaning opportunities. It feels great to be moving in the right direction.

I want nothing sitting on the side unused.  I don’t want anything broken. I will either fix it or give it away or throw it away.  I don’t want anything ugly to my eyes.  I only want things that make me smile.  I want things with meaning.  I want clothes that flatter me; I want shoes that are comfortable.  I want books that teach me something.  I want emails that when re-read add to my life, and do not make me cry and long for the past.  I want contacts in my phone that mean something and are not just phone numbers.

I want people that matter in my life.  I don’t need quantities of anything.  I need and crave quality! Please be noted here that I have given certain people chance upon chance and each time I was repaid with pain.  In the end I am realizing I was doing them no favors.  I was only prolonging the inevitable: their being accountable for their own actions, and reaping what they sow.

Paulo Coelho said it best:

“Close some doors today.  Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because they lead you nowhere”

So give it a try, start with one drawer, one table, one old box, clean it out and see how amazing it will feel afterwards!!  Take that one thing that brings bad or sad memories and get rid of it.  I had some emails that I always re-read and that it never failed to make me sad. It was very hard to delete them, but I feel free and empowered by having deleted them all.

I am constantly asking the question: What else in my life needs to go to make room for the new? A new answer just came to mind: Habits.

I need new habits to replace old, tired ones.  And that will be the topic of a new post:  the need to create new healthy habits to replace old damaging ones.

“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” 
― Maya Angelou

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I will continue dreaming…

30 Wednesday Oct 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 9 Comments

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“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” 
― Albert Einstein

In the darkness of my room, in the safety and comfort of my bed, right before I am about to fall asleep, thoughts occupy my mind…All kinds of thought and memories.  Often good thoughts, sometimes thoughts of Ex and the way we were (which I have been good at keeping those at bay), but most often what is on my mind are dreams and plans of an awesome tomorrow.  At that very moment every night the world is full of promise and the possibilities are endless.  At that very moment I could conquer the world.   I often think about some special someone I may be talking to online or on the phone, and all its promise of a future together.

Finding a partner and starting a family is a recurring dream.   When I say starting a family it doesn’t mean having kids.  Even though the idea of kids are amazing; at this point is no longer feasible.  So it will probably be a family of two adults acting like kids, and perhaps a few dogs.

“Without leaps of imagination or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all is a form of planning.” 
― Gloria Steinem

But last night a dark thought entered my mind.  It interrupted my day-dreaming, it got me scared.  The following words came into my mind: it isn’t all a bit too late?

That thought woke me right up!  Since when did I let facts and reality interrupt my awesome illusory life?  Am I turning into a realist? Or worst yet, a pessimist?   I love being a dreamer, an optimistic.  I love thinking that the world is amazing and life is beautiful.  I go out of my way to focus on the good only.

The next thought was: Should I give up?  Give up on the idea of finding a partner?  I thought I would never say this, but I am thinking that perhaps it is just too late.  Too late, way too late to find a husband and start a life together.  Yes, I said it!  I want a husband! I want the commitment, the partnership, the idea of romance, fairy-tale, forever. And yes I also said that perhaps I decided to want that a bit too late in life. In my teens, twenties, thirties, I never wanted the wedding, the marriage, the fairy-tale.  I pushed it all aside and focused on surviving, and thriving in all other areas of my life.

“We dream to give ourselves hope. To stop dreaming – well, that’s like saying you can never change your fate.” 
― Amy Tan

My single life is awesome and I adore all I have, and having the right partner would add to it.  But I am also aware of the potential of encountering the wrong person and all of a sudden realizing that I was better off alone.

Do I continue to live an illusion or do I wake up and wise up?  Is it harmful to live in la-la-land?

“Dreams, if they’re any good, are always a little bit crazy. ” 
― Ray Charles

I guess those thoughts came to me because of being excited about someone I am getting to know online.  He seems full of potential, and at times too good to be true.  We have not met yet as I want to dedicate my free time now to my visiting mother and decided to meet him after she leaves in about 2 weeks.

As I navigate the online dating waters, I alternate between hopeful and cynical.  Somebody contacts me and it seems really promising, I get excited and the next instant he totally disappoints me.  Perhaps this time I am trying to protect myself about being too hopeful.

With all that being said I rather spend my days and nights in the illusion of the infinite world of possibilities.  I rather continue to think that my dreams will come true and work towards that.  I rather think that perhaps next time I turn a corner I may bump into Price Charming.  I rather bask in the rays of oblivion, than to live in a world where “I missed the boat” because I dared to go at my own pace and do things my way and on my time.

“There is nothing like a dream to create the future.” 
― Victor Hugo

I have noticed that people are often too afraid.  They are afraid of trying, of taking a chance.  Afraid of putting themselves out there and looking desperate.  People are afraid of failing and therefore they give up on trying.   They are afraid of getting hurt. Afraid of taking a chance on love. Afraid of looking foolish.

I am not saying everyone should have a partner.  What I am saying is that I want one and I am not afraid of appearing desperate and foolish.  I will not give up on that idea at the present moment.  What I am saying is that people should not be afraid of taking a chance on what they want, be it a boyfriend, a new job, a singing career, a single life.  Whatever it is that you dream with/about go ahead and take steps to make it a reality.

The harder something is to achieve the better it will taste when you finally get it.  There is nothing better than reaping the rewards of hard work, of taking a chance and making it.

“Nothing happens unless first a dream.” 
― Carl Sandburg

If you are satisfied with single life, stay single! I am not there…yet, perhaps tomorrow I will wake up and think single is the way to go, until then there is online dating.  Until then I will distract myself dreaming of the possibilities.

I want someone like me.  I want the fearless!  I want the one that keeps falling flat on his face and keeps going. I want the one that keeps going after what he wants against all odds.

And with that I am telling the dark pessimistic thoughts to go bother somebody else. I am not an easy prey! I look great with my rose colored glasses on! I got dreams to make into reality and goals to achieve. I don’t have time for negativity and darkness!

Always a dreamer and proud of it!!

“I believe in everything until it’s disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it’s in your mind. Who’s to say that dreams and nightmares aren’t as real as the here and now?” 
― John Lennon

Update – what I have been up to lately

24 Tuesday Sep 2013

Posted by in Daily Life

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Update https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2013/08/21/being-a-bridesmaid-is-for-the-birds/

So the wedding has come and gone, and honestly I am so happy it is gone.  No more worrying about the dress.  I finally settled on a sleeveless Ralph Lauren Lace gown with a slit on the side.  The only guidelines were: it had to be long and champagne.  The other bridesmaids had gowns that were shinier than mine.  One of the girls looked like she was going to attend a Quincenera party.  I think that deep down inside she wanted to be more beautiful than the bride. 

All in all the wedding went well.  I ended up having to give a speech.  I expected the sister of the bride and who I thought the Maid of Honor was to do it, but at the rehearsal when the event planner asked who was going to give the champagne toast/speech all eyes turned to me, including my friend the bride, so I had to say yes.  That night I wrote a few words.  It was pretty good for a last minute thing, it had humor and it was heartfelt.  When the time came I got up, got the page to read the speech and, I guess, out of nerves, I couldn’t make a word out on that paper, so I had to go from memory and improvise a bit.  It worked! People laughed and applauded at the right times.

The most important thing is my friend (the bride) was happy with how everything turned out.

“I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.” 
― Jarod Kintz

***

Work is still up and down, and down, and down… when are we going to be stable and not have to worry about money???

***

Update https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2013/01/25/embarrassed-to-be-brazilian/

Finally I will be getting a Brazilian passport valid for 5 years instead of just 1 year. It is all about the person that helps you.  This woman that I talk to today didn’t want to see any documents other than the old passport and a copy of my birth certificate.  She said she doesn’t understand why I was given such a hard time in the past. All is well that ends well!

***

It was my dad’s birthday yesterday.  He is 77 years old.   Amazing he is alive after battling cancer and coming so close to dying.  His will to live, and fear of dying is what I believe made the difference. Well, the doctors also said that the fact that he never smoke or drank a day in his life helped insure the success of the operation he had to go through.

***

Classes:

I started a mosaic class last week.  It will be a total of 5 classes, and at the end I will have a finished product. I have to be honest and say I didn’t love the first class.  I loved the teacher’s loft with water views.  I want to live in a loft with water views!!!

I also started tap/jazz classes. It will be held once a week, on Friday evenings.  Not my first preference for the day of the week to have class, I already had to miss last week.  There will be a recital in June.  Tell me, why do I sign up for this stuff?

***

e-Harmony

it has been okay. Nobody interesting at the moment, but things can change rather quickly – this is the beauty of life, I guess – things can change in an instant.  Some times I am more motivated, other times I am realizing the joys of being single.

***

Brazil here I  come!! October 4th.  So now I am on the packing and shopping phase/craze.

***

Ex, oh Ex, why after 2 years you still matter? why does my heart still hurts?

Will devote a post to that in a couple of days.

“Love is the absence of judgment.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

Stop fooling around and get in bed!!

16 Sunday Jun 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 46 Comments

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“Sleep, those little slices of death — how I loathe them.” 
― Edgar Allan Poe

There is this strange phenomenon that happens in my apartment every night at around 10/11pm: I start telling myself I should be getting into the shower and getting myself ready to bed; and at the same time I start coming up with many things to do before getting to bed.

It took me awhile to realize I am practicing avoidance.  I am avoiding going to bed. I start watching some show, reading a book, playing a game, paying bills, organizing my purse, making lists of things to do, etc, anything that keeps me from getting to bed.

“Each night, when I go to sleep, I die. And the next morning, when I wake up, I am reborn.” 
― Mahatma Gandhi

Even when going out in the evening and coming in late, many people go straight to bed barely managing to take off the make up or brushing their teeth. No me!  I have to watch some tv or read or play a card game on the computer to unwind.  And then there is the shower, make up to remove, teeth to be brushed, and on and on and on.

Once I am able to talk myself into getting into the shower to get ready to bed, it will take me at least another 30 minutes to get into bed.  It takes me longer to get ready for bed than to get ready to work in the morning.

I think I would be a great subject for a psychiatrist.  Why do I avoid getting in bed?  Once I am in bed I fall sleep right away (which is very different from a year ago when I couldn’t sleep a whole night.  Thank God,  melatonin eventually helped that)

WHY AM I DOING THAT?

1. Do I still miss Ex in my bed and that is why I don’t want to get into an empty bed? Perhaps… but I don’t really think I miss him anymore.  I miss a warm body next to me, somewhere to lay my head and feel safe.

2. Do I think that I will be missing something? Since I live alone there are no housemates to be throwing a party while I am asleep.

3.  Do I feel my day was not productive enough and I am trying to fit a few more things in? Very possible.  I get home from work full of ideas, by the time 10pm rolls around I realize I have not accomplished all I intended to do.  I really dislike the feeling of leaving things unfinished.

4. Do I hate myself and am I punishing myself by depriving myself of sleep?

5.  Do I just lose track of time and there is no really big secret or big explanation about it?

By the time I am finally getting into bed I am not very pleased with myself and I am full of promises to go to bed at a reasonable time the following evening.  And the next evening I am singing the same tune again.

Why am I sabotaging my health? I know how important sleep is!  Then why?

Perhaps is the ADD or ADHD showing one of its many faces. Could this be a symptom?  Since I touched about it in this post: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2012/07/01/why-run/ I really didn’t do anything about it.

I am not sure what you will take for me to get to bed on time.  Realizing I have a problem and need to change is the first step.  So you all are witnessing my taking the first step! Now what?

An “I am sorry” and a big garbage bin can make me do the happy dance!!

31 Friday May 2013

Posted by in Daily Life

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It feels so good when people care enough to say “I am sorry”!

So, I walk in late today…well, I don’t have a schedule, but waltzing in at almost 10am I consider being late.  Anyway, I walked into my office and my boss walked in right behind me and said: “I am sorry about yesterday.  I have been thinking about it the whole night and had to say I am sorry again.  I have had so much in my mind lately and I was hungry”

To which I replied: “I understand being hungry!  And I laughed and said thank you for apologizing, but I never gave a second thought about it. I don’t let you affect me anymore.” (Please see here for a little blurb about our relationship: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2012/03/13/stopping-the-insanity/

I should have just said thank you and that is it! But the point is I truly had to think about it to remember what he was talking about.

So this is what happened: Yesterday I was talking to a new employee when he just walked in and interrupted by saying something to the employee.  I said: We are talking, and I think he said: I don’t care!  I am pretty sure I just rolled my eyes, my response to him lately.  After 5 minutes he came back and said I am sorry and explained that he was in a hurry and wanted to make sure that the new guy was informed about the computers.

The weird thing is I didn’t find what he said or how he said it extra rude or anything; it was just my boss being his usual self.   After working together for almost 20 years he is like my obnoxious older brother, even though he is 2 years younger than me.

I thought it was big on his part to feel he had to say sorry again- it secretly made my day!   Since when have I developed a thick skin and he has gone soft?

***

It feels so good when people listen to your suggestions!

I had a good idea! Nothing earth shattering or life changing, but I had the bright idea of having a big garbage bin outside our back door so that the cleaning person can put the garbage in at the end of the day, and it can stay there covered until it gets picked up by the building.

We have been having a mice problem the past several months.  https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2012/05/09/i-choose-mice/

They started to appear when the super was replaced and the new super doesn’t promptly remove the garbage at night.  I have been very vocal about that fact to the super, to the building, to the exterminator, to pretty much anyone that will listen.

The building gave me their okay to put the garbage bin by the back door, but when l tried ordering one from Home Depot, I was informed that that is an item that they don’t deliver.  So instead I have to call a hardware store, which, for some reason I kept postponing.  Internet has spoiled me, why talk to a human being on the phone when just a few clicks on the keyboard are so much easier and faster?

Today, all of a sudden garbage bins are being delivered to every floor of the building.  I believe I did a happy dance! I am taking credit for thinking of that!

***

One of the things I like about myself is the fact that little things make me very happy, little gestures, simple words, a smile.

The opposite was true too, little things used to destroy my day, but now, the ‘always improving’ me, considers anything that threatens to mess up my mood a reflection on the person doing the action or something not worth a second of my thought.  Bad moments get easily forgotten.

So here is my final thought to you:  Look for the little things around you that make you happy, and if you can’t find any, which I highly doubted, create some. Sit up straight and smile.  There are blessings all around if you take the moment to notice.

Make somebody else happy today!  I have to say pleasing someone else makes me infinitely happier than pleasing myself.

I wish you a thoughtful boss, a mice free workplace, smiles and happy dances!

My heart wants fireworks!

27 Monday May 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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If you know me you know I follow my heart in all areas of my life.  I have done things that people thought were crazy but they always turned out to be the correct decision for me.  I blindly allow my heart to lead and I am proud of it.  I think it takes courage to let your heart lead, but to me it is not only a matter of being courageous it a matter of not knowing how to be any other way.

I have always believed that all the answers are already within me and if I look hard enough and allow my heart to have a voice all will be revealed and I will always be on the right path.

Then I met Ex and jumped head first on that relationship that I thought would be forever, instead it turned out to have an expiration date.

I often look back at that experience.  It has been extremely hard to let the past in the past, even though I can happily say I know I am over him.  Did my heart lead me wrong? No, never! There were lessons there to be learned.

I often look back because I believe every single experience in our lives teaches us lessons.  The harder the experience the more meaningful the lesson.  I often look back to make sure I haven’t missed a lesson.

I have been doing a lot of self-reflection lately and looking back is part of it.   I analyze the past not to change the past, but to change my future.  To make sure that I am being smart and not making the same mistake over and over again.

People normally have to be told to stop thinking so much and follow their hearts.  I  probably could use the opposite advice: Stop following your heart and think a little!

I have started questioning my allowing my heart to rule my life, specially my love life.  Do I do that so that I can blame my heart and never take full responsibility for my actions?

Would I have done things differently if I had allowed my mind to have any say? Who knows? Perhaps I would not even have started the relationship with EX to begin with.

Now I am on e-harmony for the second time around and this time I am meeting a lot people.  Some dates have been very nice, there is one person in particular that stands out in his effort to try to win me over, but there are no fireworks or sparks.

Should I follow my heart and just say: Next! Or should I give this nice guy a chance to make me fall for him (assuming that is something that it can happen)

Can it happen?  Can I wake up some day madly in  love with someone that just yesterday I thought was just very nice?  Should I even give someone a second date if there was no chemistry on the first?

Should I continue to be all heart or should I allow my mind to have a say in matters of the heart?

I have always thought that is either there or not there, that spark, that thing I cannot explain, the butterflies in my stomach.

Honestly I don’t think I will ever have what I had with Ex. Should I stop looking for Prince Charming and settle for someone that cares about me and wants to make happy?  After all, Prince Charming already came and left for other skirts, I mean, greener pastures.

Perhaps there is no right answer…no, what am I saying? of course there is a right answer, let me go ask my heart! 🙂

Day 7: I carry it in my heart

29 Monday Oct 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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I go through Grand Central Station every week day and it is normally a obstacle course trying to navigate it among the commuters and tourists.

Today it was very different.  This evening Grand Central Station was a ghost town with guards standing at the doors just letting people out and informing the people trying to get in that the station is closed.

I feel odd today.  I am not sure what to think.  Is this Hurricane Sandy a sure thing or just media hype? It feels weird leaving my apartment and my brand new table behind. Is everything going to be there in a couple of days when I return?

I am feeling weird sitting alone in a hotel room in New York City.  I am staying in Manhattan to be close to work since the trains stopped 7 pm tonight.  I am trying not to let the victim in me come out.  I am trying not to feel so alone in the most populous city in the USA.  At times like this is very hard not to feel all alone in the world. I need to snap out of it.

My favorite show, Amazing Race is on.  Today they are in Bangladesh, and seeing some of the day laborers working in such poor conditions, and seeing all the kids on the street with huge smiles on their faces snaps me out of the “poor me” mentality real quick.  I am blessed for so many reasons.  I have so many reasons to smile. More than the material comforts I have been blessed with a rich soul and a rich heart.

I know how to appreciate everything I have, specially my breath.  Having life is the greatest gift of all and that is enough!  So, to spend even a minute feeling sorry for myself it would be such a waste of precious time.   I don’t need to have people physically right next to me to know that I am loved.  My family is in my heart and in my thoughts and I am in theirs.

To quote E. E. Cummings:

“i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)”

 

hhhh

Day 6: The table has arrived!

27 Saturday Oct 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Mosaic and other crafts

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Another Blessed Day!

I woke up with the furniture store calling me to let me know that my table could be delivered within the hour, did I want it?  Do I want it? I have been waiting for this table for 1 month!

So here it is:

So today breakfast was had at the new table instead of the kitchen counter or couch.

Above the table you can see one of the many paintings that my mother has painted for me.  My mother started painting at 70 years old and she is very talented!  I have all kinds of paintings, from landscapes to abstracts.

And on the table you can see some of my favorite flowers: daisies! Another favorite is sunflowers.

I am still itching, but I love my table, my apartment, my life!!!

An open letter to my Friend … Letting go of pain and fear and embracing the moment!

27 Friday Jul 2012

Posted by in Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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(this started as an e-mail to my friend after a long conversation last night.  

Dear Friend, this is to you, and to me, and to all in pain!)

I am really sorry for being hard on you sometimes and probably causing you pain with my harsh words.  But my words are only the frustration that I feel when I think that you are stuck on the hurts of the past. I wish I could just grab you by the shoulders and shake some sense into you.

I hope one day to come up with a magic word that will snap you out of the past and into the present. Until then I will keep trying with the weapons I have: brutal honesty peppered with humor all enveloped in love.

I wish I could just give you a hug and hold you for a long time and be held by you for a long time.  I want to be like that as day turns into night and then into day again. I just think that you need to be handled with love and care like I do. And I am not talking about sex (even though, that probably wouldn’t be so bad either), I am just talking human touch and connection.  Just that feeling of somebody being there for you – no words necessary!

I don’t know the extent of your hurt and your pains from the past, but I know that is holding you back from being in the present and looking to a future.  I don’t want to compare my pain with your pain.  We all hurt in different ways and different degrees.  We all deal with it in different ways.  I really have no business telling you what to do, how to react and how to feel.  But being a friend allows me no other choice.  I have to tell you how I feel.

.. and in writing this to you I realize I am also writing it to myself!

I really want you to understand that there is at least one person that cares about you: ME.  I don’t want anything from you.  I don’t want anything in return.

Well, actually I do.

I want you to be happy! I love the sound of your laughter! I long to hear it every day! That is why I make the most stupid jokes, all in an attempt to hear your laughter!

I want you to realize what a great person you are! You are not perfect! Nobody is! But among all your imperfections you shine! You have so many great things about yourself, such as honesty, generosity, compassion.  You have morals and lives by them! What I appreciate the most is the way that you present yourself to me: real, fallible, caring and sensitive.

I want you to make peace with the hurt in the past and leave the past in the past!

I want you to stop fearing your future! Live the now in full!  Be here completely now!

You are not your past and your past is not you! Right now you can decide who you want to be and what life and future you want.

Respect the pain! Don’t run away or try to bury your past: expose it, confront it, feel it, cry it, mourn it, forgive it, and then let it go! Stop dragging it around with you.  It is such a heavy baggage and it has no place in your present and future.

Forgive the people that hurt you in the past!  Only when you forgive them, you are able to leave them where they belong:  in the past.  Let them be just a page on your big book of life. You have no idea of the pain that they could be carrying themselves.  Whatever they did to you it was not because of you but because of their own pains and their inabilities of dealing with it and communicating their needs. Wish them well, pray for them.  I still pray for Ex and wish him only the best in life. The peace that I get whenever I send him good thoughts is priceless to me.  It frees me.  It pacifies my heart!

Forgive yourself! Even if you think that you caused yourself pain in the past or that somehow you did something to deserve it, realize that you are a flawed human being. You will make mistakes every now and then – making mistakes is part of our growing.  The key here is to acknowledge it, learn from it, forgive yourself and let it go!

Believe in God without any question! Believe that there is a reason for everything, even in the hurt.  If you believe that God is a loving and merciful God than what do you fear? What do you doubt?  Pray, meditate, talk to God, tell him your fears, place your fears in his hands and let it go!

Be grateful! Remember to thank God for the goodness he has blessed you with.  Remember to be thankful for everything you have in life. Be grateful for your health and the health of family members, for the job you have, for the house you live in and the car you drive.  Be grateful for the beautiful sunshine, and the benefits of the rain, for the food you just had and for the smile of a stranger!

Pain is necessary and unavoidable! The pain was necessary to get you to where you are today!  But it is your choice to wallow in self pity or gain strength from it and move on.  And don’t get me wrong, the future won’t be only love and joy, you will probably get hurt again, but that is called living!  If were not for the bad, the good wouldn’t have any flavor.

The best is yet to come. We both thought that our last relationships were amazing and the one that we were destined to be with, but guess what? Life has bigger and better things in store for us.  That was just an appetizer for the feast that lies ahead!

Am I just fooling myself?  Perhaps, but who really knows what the future holds? No one, but God (if you believe), so choose to live a life that is full of promise.  Concentrate on today and love and live the most that you can! Send to the Universe that idea the your future is so bright you will need sunglasses 24/7.

Hurt? Hurt is growing pains! Hurt is just the price that we have to pay for the ultimate happiness!

Stop looking for answers! Sometimes in life there are no answers.  People behave in the ways they behave and sometimes it makes no sense and there is no explanation.  Yes, they could have been honest and open and upfront about whatever was troubling them instead of blindsiding us with “we are over”.

See hardships as gifts! I totally believe that when people break up with us they are doing us a favor! Of course I wish the break up was different. Pain and hurt are there to makes us stronger.  It forces one to confront themselves and either fall apart or thrive!  It gives us a chance to rediscover ourselves and be the best that we can be!  There is an unique lesson here and we need/want to make sure not to miss it!

Enjoy life-don’t let fear hold you back! I want you to go out and dance and date! Try again, as many times as necessary! (yeah I must admit this was a real tough one for me to write.  There is nothing I dread more than you finding someone and my dreams of ever meeting you and perhaps being more than friends will have to come to an end.  But when you love someone you have to put their needs ahead of your wants.)

LIVE! LOVE! AS MUCH AS YOU CAN, WHENEVER YOU CAN! That is my dream and hope for you!

(Thank you Ex for making my pain so unbearable that I started writing a blog so I would not explode. Were not for that, I would not have gotten back to my love of writing.  Were not for that I would not  have met so many great people that genuinely care and graciously offer their love in the form of comments. Were not for that I would have not met my Friend – the one that I am sure was part of my life in a previous existence.  He walked straight into my heart!. My heart doesn’t have an exit door!  Once you are in you are there to stay)

 

Hanging on for dear life!

10 Tuesday Jul 2012

Posted by in EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 44 Comments

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Yesterday was a days of ups and downs. One minute laughing, the next crying.

UP. I woke up happier than usual, for the first time in several months I have slept 6 hours straight!

DOWN. I was walking to the station and all of a sudden next to me there is this man with a huge snake around his neck. All snake lovers out there please forgive me but I am terrified of snakes.  It is more than that, to me they are always an omen of an impeding catastrophe.

UP. When returning the rental car the bill was $100 less than it was quoted. (by the way I rented a car to drive to Atlantic City to see Kanye West, I will write a post about at some point)

DOWN. We fired an employee.  I am sad and scared for him.  His life was already a mess, I am afraid that he may spiral out of control.  On the other hand this could be the best thing that ever happened to him.  Sometimes a person doesnt see a way out until they hit rock bottom.

UP. The books I ordered for a friend arrived and I was so excited to mail it to them. I truly enjoy giving gifts better than receiving. I can’t wait for him to get them!

MAJOR DOWN. Ex e-mails me to confirm that I am not going away with him to an event this weekend and letting me know there are still tickets left.  He also added that he hoped we could remain in touch.

It brought back a whole host of happy memories of the same event last year.  Was it all lies? Was I alone in my happiness and didn’t know it?

I replied thank you for the information and all the best, that is all I said.  Of course that was a green light for him to e-mail again. I ignored the following e-mail. But the damage was already done I was already a pile of tears.

I e-mailed my friend, or perhaps I should call him “my rock”. He pointed out some things to me:

1) I am not really completely over Ex, and perhaps there will always be something there.

2) If I really want to get over him I need to be tough and take a stand on any contact.

3) He is really not respecting my wishes about invitations.

4) He thinks that I will give in and have a relationship on his terms (booty call, vacation buddy)

5) I have to give up the idea of being friends with him.  If he was at least honest about his wrongdoing but he refuses to acknowledge and talk about it.  I cannot be friends with somebody I don’t respect.

5) I was being a bit of a masochist in trying to continue a relationship with him.

And he is right on all counts! So I once again resolve not to ever reply to any contact again.

Thank God the work day is coming to an end.

UP. I got to the lobby of my building and one of the doormen calls me aside and says that it is his last day working here, and I am one person that he wanted to make sure to say good bye because as he puts it: “you are always smiling and so happy, so pleasant, a joy to be around”. It is rewarding to hear that. No matter what is going on inside I try to always have a smile on my face and spread joy to those around me.

UP. I went to my Zumba class, actually the instructor corrected me, her class is not Zumba, it is Cuban Fusion – same difference if you ask me, fun all the same. It was amazing.  I love to dance.  I felt so happy and high as a kite after the class.

MAJOR DOWN.  Another email from Ex waiting for me at home.  Once again he is talking about the event.  I realized that by replying some times and silence others I was sending him mixed signals and still leaving the door open. So I wrote him a final e-mail.  This e-mail came straight from the pain in my heart. I said it all over again, but this time I asked him not to contact me in any way, shape or form.  Up to now I had asked him not to invite me to trips and dinners, but I dont think I ever said do not contact me at all.

It is hard to explain, but how can I close the door on a part of me? He, I realize, still has my heart in his hands.

***

How do I feel now? I am not sure. It feels over.  It feels I am missing part of my body and I will never get it back.  While I absolutely don’t want him back, I guess I still liked the idea of having him in my life. I still liked to hear from him.  It is hard to imagine that I will have no contact with someone that I shared everything for 3 years, someone that I thought I would be with for the rest of my life.  It is hard to write this, to face this.

Now it is in writing, it is in black and white.  And I am making myself a promise not to reply to any contact, if ever he tries again.

it feels final! and sad, and painful all over again!

****

I just received an e-mail from him saying that he is not happy but he will comply with my wishes.  He also added all the same bs, that he loves me, that he misses me and cries about me, but we can’t be together now, he is just too busy with business, etc. That he hopes that if I cannot be his lover, that I choose to be his friend and keep in touch.

cry me a river!

***

I am fine, some would say I am thriving.  My life hasn’t stopped because my heart is in pieces and my insides in shambles.

Lately the good days have been outnumbering the bad days.

Moments of never wanting to fall in love again are rare.  Moments of excitement of a new somebody are constant.

I am enjoying discovering feelings for somebody new.  Somebody, who is just a friend now. Actually he is not “just” a friend. He is a FRIEND!  Having feelings for somebody else makes me feel that life is not over.  Still, days such as yesterday makes me aware that the pain is still fresh, that Ex still means something, that I should go slow and not use one person to try to forget another.

So, I fall, I get up, I fall again and I get up again! I know I will always get up, thanks to God and all the angels he puts in my path!

(all images from google images)