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Category Archives: EX Files

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Learning to live without and with him!

The past that is trying to be present

04 Sunday Aug 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 37 Comments

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“If it’s over, then don’t let the past screw up the rest of your life.” ― Nicholas Sparks

This is again about Ex.  To summarize he is the guy that treated me as a princess then broke my heart by cheating on me.  He refused to try to work on the relationship and asked me to move out. It hurt me so much that I thought I was actually going to die of a broken heart.

I hadn’t heard from him since I sold the car back to him a couple of years ago.  I was ready not to hear from him ever again.  Then he resurfaced in March.  I wrote about here: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2019/03/29/cruel-or-just-clueless/

When he emailed in March I just ignored.  Then a week ago he texted saying he had a new number and asking my sister and I out again.  I didn’t respond.  A couple of days later he wrote again mentioning he wanted to tell me some stories that his kids told him.

I ignored him again, but I am getting really annoyed at him writing as if he is my friend. We are not. He is page from the past and that is where I want him to stay.

Today I typed him a reply because his message was still bothering me. I never sent it. I will continue to chose silence as a response.

But is that the best response for me?

I feel there is so much I want to say to him, even though I have already said so much years ago.  I think I feel that way because he never really listened. I can say all I want as many times I want and still it will not get through.  He believes the stories he tells himself.

Most of all, all I ever wanted was for him to apologize, to take ownership for hurting me.  He apologized but not for cheating on me.  He gave me a lame “I am sorry I was not the man you needed me to be”.  I agree, I needed a man that was honest and loyal and he was neither.

Is there a reason that the past keeps coming back? Is there still anything I need to confront and come to terms with it? ? Why does he still have the power to annoy me?

Should I meet him?

“Let today be the day you finally release yourself from the imprisonment of past grudges and anger. Simplify your life. Let go of the poisonous past and live the abundantly beautiful present… today.” ― Steve Maraboli

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Right before that little distraction can lead to disaster and destruction

25 Thursday Jul 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

≈ 33 Comments

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“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” ― Steve Maraboli

I almost didn’t write this post.  It is embarrassing. I should know better.  I know better!  And yet I make a fool of myself and all that I believe in.  I try to be a good person and, dare I say, I often succeed. But I am not proud of what I am about to tell you.

A couple of months ago I have wrote this post about eliminating the distractions from my life: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2019/05/09/eliminating-the-distractions/

I wanted to get rid of all the stuff and the people that were not contributing anything positive to my life and that were keeping me from focusing on what is really important in my life. I felt liberated and powerful when I blocked those 3 guys I mentioned on the post.

Somehow I still got a text from AL the other day.  I could have ignored it, but I replied.  The idea of him is still so enticing to me even though I haven’t seen him since he got engaged, 3 years ago.  The power of ‘what could have been” if I was not 17 years older than he is still keeps ringing in my ear.

“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.” ― Lyndon B. Johnson

We dated for over 6 months and it was some of the best times of my life. He didn’t say we stopped seeing each other because of the age difference but I know that it had a lot to do with it.  He got busy with a new business venture and we slowly drifted apart. One day I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said yes.

We still saw each other from time to time, mostly as friends.  Then he told me he got engaged and I chose to never see him again.  I also asked him to stopped texting me, but after almost a year of silence we started texting again.  Then he got married. Again I tried to stop the texting and we would go long stretches not texting, months and months, but I would always end up giving in.

“When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Then as I mentioned on that post,  I made the decision to block some people, and somehow his text arrived.  He sent a text commenting about a soccer game, I replied.  After talking about soccer we were right back to where we always go back to: the memories of the amazing times we had.  The chemistry we have seems to be bigger than us.

This time, as he had done in the past, he asked me out for a drink to catch up. This time unlike I have done so many times in the past, I said yes.  We scheduled for last Wednesday night. I was excited about seeing him again. For a brief moment I allowed myself to forget he was married.  I was lying to myself that it was just a drink with a friend. I was making all kinds of stories in my mind on why it was okay to meet him.  I was holding on to memories of a fun, free time.

“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.” ― Rick Warren

I was lying to myself and I knew it.  We would never be able to sit across from each other and just have a drink, even though we have done it in the past.  There is too much tension now, too much flirting, and too many innuendos.  The time apart created this enormous tension.

Was I ready to kiss a married man?  I knew in my heart that would be the outcome.  I was telling myself that if he is this eager perhaps he is not even married anymore.  We never talked about the wife after he got engaged.  As if not talking about her made her didn’t exist.

This drink held so much potential…potential for destruction.

He was more insistent than normal. He was more full of innuendos, texting me more, everything more.  My gut was trying to tell me something, as if knowing he was married was not something big enough to stop me on my tracks. I sensed something else.  I figured it was my conscience telling me to stop. I sensed doom.

I can’t explain what made me do it, but the day before meeting him I Googled his wife’s name.

BOOM!  There it was!  It hit me like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden saying no to him became so easy.  All of a sudden I woke up from that dreamy stupor of “what if”.  I came face to face with a Baby registry. AL and his wife are about to have a baby in 3 months.

“Men more frequently require to be reminded than informed.” ― Samuel Johnson

I shouldn’t have been shocked but I was. Here he was, trying to meet me while  he has a pregnant wife at home. I immediately asked him and he said: yes, I was saving the news to tell you when we met.

What??? Like that was some great news to me worth celebrating. Like that was really what he had in mind for this meeting.

In 1 second I lost all respect I ever had for him.  And for me!

Don’t get me wrong.  I am happy for him but so grossed out that I almost met him. So grossed out and embarrassed by all my flirting. I should have stopped all this, I don’t even know what to call this.  I should have stopped years ago.

It shouldn’t take a baby to make see all that is wrong with this.  But I do thank that baby for waking me up.

“I demolish my bridges behind me…then there is no choice but to move forward” ― Fridtjof Nansen

I think that for a little bit I just didn’t think and allowed the past memories to take over me.  Whatever excuse I use now it is just that, excuses.  I was willing to meet a married man under the guise of friendship knowing fully well that we both wanted more than just talk.

I can’t let my guard down. I have to stop leaving the door of the past open.  I have to close doors and implode bridges.  I can’t live trying to relive the past.  I have to deal with my reality, with being 53, with being single, and yearning for more.  But wait, don’t cry for me, my reality is pretty sweet. It is just a case of “greener grass”.  I have real grass and the other side AstroTurf.

I said that to him I couldn’t meet him.  And that was that.  There was no big good bye.  There was no declaration of never texting again, there was none of that, and still it was as final as ever. My final words were: “whatever you do, be careful.  You have a lot to lose!”

My lesson is: I need to be watchful of my words, intentions and actions.  Every action has a consequence that often goes beyond myself.  I am embarrassed that I continued flirting with someone that was not available.  I know better.  I know the pain of being cheated on. I know right from wrong.  The blame is all on me. Nobody had a gun to my head forcing me to reply to him.

Oh well, live, learn and try to do better next time.  Good bye past, I have a future to get to!

“It is important that we forgive ourselves for making mistakes. We need to learn from our errors and move on.” ― Steve Maraboli

It is raining men!

21 Friday Jun 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

≈ 16 Comments

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It is not really raining, it is more like a light sprinkle but it feels like a thunderstorm to me.

D.- I decided that if I don’t see him this coming week, I will just have to tell him in a text. The fact that I already have a decision in mind and I haven’t told him is just too much for me to carry. It feels dishonest.

I will tell him the truth without sugar-coating it.  I am too old and lack the patience to be hanging around for some time in the future when things magically fall into place.  I don’t believe in that.  Sometimes life is messy and complicated and we just have to deal with it.

I will leave the door open for a possibility of seeing each other again in the future if and when his life is sorted out and if I am still available.

Honesty is the best policy!

“A ‘no’ does not hide anything, but a ‘yes’ very easily becomes a deception.” – Soren Kierkegaard

B. – He if from Kansas. Yes you read right, he is from Kansas and still lives there. I went to Kansas last weekend to surprise a friend for her birthday.  That friend having a birthday is my Ex boyfriend’s mother, but that story is for another post.

One day a few months back while browsing a dating site I decided to check the guys in Kansas since I knew I was going to be there and I knew I was going to have some free time. B and I connected immediately and starting exchanging messages.

I met him last Friday, the day I arrived.  I met him, his 11 year old son and his dog.  Yes, I am not joking.  The kid was adorable.  We all got along well, we went for a walk with the dog, had ice cream, then took the KC Street car from Union Station to Power and Light District for dinner.  We managed to spend some time together after he dropped his son off.

Even though there was chemistry, the reality is that I am not moving to Kansas any time soon and he is not moving to NY.  Also the whole thing stunk of deja-vu.  The ex that broke my heart and was the cause of my starting this blog was also from Kansas.  The day I met Ex I also met his 11 year old son and we all went out to lunch.  Later I met his dog.  A bunch of other similarities also.

He wants me to return to Kansas and try to develop a relationship.  I think I will pass.  He has his life pretty much planned out and tied to Kansas.  Mine is not that planned, but I want to have a say in my future and not just fit in somebody’s life.  I did that in the past and don’t feel like doing it again.

Been there, done that!

“Plans are of little importance, but planning is essential.” -― Winston Churchill

J – He is brand new in my life. We managed to have 2 dates already pretty fast. It seems promising from what I can tell, but I will continue to choose caution and go slowly.  He is so respectful that I barely got a kiss on the lips on the second date.

He is sweet and kind, and I can see myself with him.  At the same time I can see myself already trying very hard to find reasons to disqualify him.  Perhaps that fear of commitment is a real thing.

We are going on a third date this weekend and I am excited about that. The next post will be all about him, so that is all I am going to say about him for now.

Finger crossed!

“It’s amazing how a little tomorrow can make up for a whole lot of yesterday.” – John Guare

What not to say on a first day

06 Thursday Jun 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 20 Comments

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“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.” ― E.E. Cummings

Last Thursday I decided to accept a spur of the moment invitation for coffee.  This is a person that I had just started exchanging messages with and didn’t know anything about him.  I wasn’t that interested but thought I could spare 10 minutes and see if there was any chemistry.  After all, how bad could it be?

BAD! It was really bad.  I am normally able to get something out of any date I have, except this one.  It is common for me not to have any chemistry but to like the person enough to want a friendship, but not with this one.

As soon as I sat down, and by the way he sat on the chair and I had to sit on top of the air vent.  As he studied my face he asked: Do you only wear glasses? Do you plan on getting contact lenses?   I said: no.  I was a little taken aback by this question.  He pressed on: Why not?  You never considered it?

I said: No, not really.  On my list of things to do or to change about myself, contact lenses comes in at the very last, if at all.

He seemed disappointed and proceed to tell me how an ex-girlfriend once convinced him that everyone looks better without glasses.  No matter how beautiful someone is, glasses are never a good look. So he now wear contacts. Then, sounding disappointed he added:  but you already said you have no interest.

I changed the subject by asking him about his day and his work.  He mentioned he was almost retired.  That he was tired of dealing with employees and now only took care of a few select clients.  He has some kind of electrical work company.

“Conceited people never hear anything but praise.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Instead of perhaps asking about my day and my job, he then asked me what I thought of all the men online.  Before I had a change to answer his question, he said: I have been told that most men are short and bald, so because I am tall and have all my hair I am better than 99% of the men online.

I politely reminded him that hair and height was not what I valued about people, that I was interested in the whole person, and more about the inside than the outside.  I doubt he heard me. If he did, he ignored it.

I geared the conversation towards food.  I asked him if he cooked.  He said that now he did, but for the longest time all he did was eat in fancy restaurants.  He mentioned how an ex-girlfriend turned him into a foodie and a traveler. He also mentioned that she paid for everything. But added: but I am not going into that now.

He also mentioned an ex-girlfriend that disappeared after she spent a weekend at his apartment.  He suspects that she was after his money and needed a green card and after she saw that he lived in a studio she thought that there was nothing there for her to go after.  He asked me if I agreed with that assumption since the girl in question was also Brazilian. I said: “that calls for a lot of speculation and assumption and I am not about to do that without having her side of the story”  I got a disappointed face again.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” Theodore Roosevelt

After these painful minutes I got up to leave mentioning a train I had to catch.  He got up with me and hugged me good bye.  He then asked if I was intimidated by his height.  I looked at him in surprise and asked:  Why would I?  Why would anyone?  He looked disappointed again. One would think he is 7 feet tall, but even though he said he is 6’4, I don’t believe it.  My boss is 6’4 and this guy was definitely shorter.

Needless to say I had zero interest in getting to know him better.  He emailed that night to say that he was unsure about the chemistry – as if there was any chance I would be interested in him. I, humoring him, said: sleep on it.

The next morning I wrote him and I said that there was really zero chemistry and wished him luck.  He asked me to keep his number in case I ever had any event to attend and wanted him to accompany me.  I wanted to reply that he was just too old to be a gigolo, but chose silence instead.

And another bullet was dodged 🙂

“He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.”  – ― George Bernard Shaw

Cruel or just clueless?

29 Friday Mar 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

≈ 25 Comments

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“I have lived on the lip
of insanity, wanting to know reasons,
knocking on a door. It opens.
I’ve been knocking from the inside.” – Rumi

If you have been reading this blog from the beginning, you know that I started it 7 years ago due to a broken heart that was making me go insane.  This blog allowed me to get all the pain out without hurting others or myself.

All my readers/friends have been instrumental in getting me to where I am today: happy, free, ready to love again.  It took me years to be totally over the the person that broke my heart.  He is mostly a name from the past, a chapter in the book of my life that I don’t care to re-read.

Today, I get this email, that he made sure to send to both my professional and personal emails.

“Subject: Happy Birthday to my favorite twins in the whole wide world

I’m pretty sure that I remember you have a birthday at the end of March although I don’t know the number I remember that it’s a little bit before Nancy’s (one of his sisters) birthday please give each other a hug and a kiss from me and all the best wishes and love to you and your entire family

If you allow it I’d love to take you both out for lunch or dinner in New Rochelle or the city or White Plains anything that would work for either of you I would like to try to work out

Love”

I was annoyed at receiving that.  How dare he make this attempt to make it seem that we can have a regular friendly relationship?

I don’t hold any grudges over anyone or anything.  I normally always keep the door open for people to come and go as they please.  If anything I give too many second chances.  I am friends with guys I dated, and I am always willing to let everyone back in.  I believe in second chances and redemption.

But with him it is different.  I believed with all my heart he was the One.

The pain was too intense.  The betrayal was too raw.  The disrespect was uncalled for in every way.  There was the game playing and manipulation.  Knowing I was in pain he made it seem there was a chance to reconcile.  I am ashamed to say that there was a point back there when I was willing to overlook everything to just be with him.  I thank the heavens that in the end he never wanted to work things out.

And then there was the fact that he never acknowledged the cheating and never said sorry.

I forgive, I forgave, and I forget… for the most part, until he decides to rear his ugly head.

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”  ― Rumi

Chivalry is not dead, and neither are some old boyfriends

08 Friday Feb 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

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“A gentleman is someone who does not what he wants to do, but what he should do.”  – Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

The cutest thing happened today.  I have been the recipient of chivalry and it felt so good.

Today I decided to take a taxi to work from the train station instead of walking 11 blocks.  It was raining and I was carrying a huge bag of bagels, cream cheese and butter.

When the cab stopped to let me out, and as I was paying, this guy comes and opens my door.  I was startled and said thank you.  Then I felt silly for saying thank you because I imagined that he was wanting to get in the cab and was trying to hurry me along.

I paid and got out.  He closed the door and proceeded to walk along me.  I asked him:  Aren’t you getting in the cab?  He said: no.  Oh, I said, thank you so much that was nice.  It doesn’t happen often.

He smiled a big beautiful white smile and said: it should.  I do it all the time.

I smiled and turned the corner and he proceeded to go straight. We were both looking back and smiling at each other.

This nice gesture put a little extra spring on my step today.

***

“Now I know what a ghost is. Unfinished business, that’s what.”  – ― Salman Rushdie, The Satanic Verses

Yesterday there must have been something in the water or the moon was in a special way.  Three men from the past reached out.

I think it has to do with Valentine’s Day approaching.  Seeing all the hearts and advertisement telling us that we all need to be coupled.   Or perhaps they are feeling extra lonely and thinking of all of the ones that got away.

Anthony-  He works in Risk Management.   We had met online and started a phone and texting relationship, but we never met.  We were getting along great and he was trying to get his schedule in order for us to meet, then he just disappeared.

This is now his excuse and I quote: “Between my new job, settling in a place and my Mom was sick for a while. I did not have time to myself.”

Why can’t people just say what is going on instead of disappearing?  I will never know the real reason why he disappeared.  I don’t really care at this point.

I may meet him as a friend.  Once something like that happens it turns me off romantically but I like to keep an open mind as far as making new friends.

“Conscience is no more than the dead speaking to us.”  – ― Jim Carroll

Peter – He is a stockbroker.  I have written a few blog posts about him.  We had a few dates, everything seemed fine, and then he turned distant.  He is the guy that took me to the Opera.  See his text below.

I don’t have a problem saying hello every now and then or even having a drink as friends, but I am definitely not interested in romance.

Frankie- works for the NY court system.  I have written about him in the past.  We had a few dates 12 years ago (he actually remembered the exact day we met).  I broke it off saying I was too busy to date.  It does sound like an excuse.  I do not remember why I broke things off.

Anyway, I mostly ignore him, especially since he told me he has had a girlfriend since we broke up.  I am not interested in him romantically, but don’t want to meet as friends either.  I don’t want any issues.

At one point I asked him why he continues texting me when I mostly ignore him.  He said:  because you are an awesome person and I want to be your friend.

He will text good morning or good night sometimes.  He will text about any holiday we may have. Or he will say: hi stranger.   I mostly don’t reply to his texts.   But not matter what, few or even several months will go by and he will say hello again.  I have to admire his tenacity.

This is his text from last night.

Since he has sent me brownies a couple of times in the past for my birthday  I am not shocked that he thought about taking me out for Valentine’s Day.  This time I had to reply and find out what he was thinking.  He wasn’t thinking, that is the answer.  I cannot blame a guy for trying.

“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan Press On! has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.” – Calvin Coolidge

No date, Brazilian Trump, stress galore and gym time

30 Tuesday Oct 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Dating or the lack of it – Unfortunately no update on the date with P. because a date didn’t happen yet. He had to cancel once and I cancelled twice.  We both had work issues.  We both don’t seem motivated to make this date happen.  I am not motivated to go on a dates in general lately.

If it happens I will definitely post about it.

“Life is short. Focus on what really matters most. You have to change your priorities over time.” ― Roy T. Bennett

Stress, Stress, Stress –The amount of craziness and stress I had on Friday and Saturday was insane. I credit God for giving me the strength to not lose it.

Equipment broke at work and because the boss is out sick was up to me to make decisions and deal with that area. Dealing with tech and such can be a nightmare.  Since then one thing keeps breaking after another.

My tenant was calling me the whole day on Saturday while I was at work tending to the equipment emergencies.  Finally at the end of the day he tells me he is not staying and I should be receiving a letter from his attorney.  He had been complained of noise and fighting in the apartment next door.  I have no control of that and since he doesn’t have a contract he can move out at any time after giving me a 30 day notice.  So I am not sure what his attorney has to write me about so I sit on pins and needles until I get said letter.

Not everything is a lawsuit!  Unfortunately a lot people don’t think that way.

I can hardly wait for him to be out so I can put this apartment up for sale.  It would make more sense financially to rent it out and keep it awhile longer but I don’t have the time and energy to be a landlord. My peace of mind is priceless.

I also know that all is for the best and for my betterment.  Everything is a lesson.  Everyone is a teacher.

“I promise you nothing is as chaotic as it seems. Nothing is worth diminishing your health. Nothing is worth poisoning yourself into stress, anxiety, and fear.” ― Steve Maraboli

Brazilian Trump – Now in Brazil, in keeping with modeling ourselves on the US we have elected the Brazilian Trump.  His name is Jair Bolsonaro.  I hope to God that he is blessed with good advisors. I pray that he honors love, equality and the well-being of every Brazilian, but so far what I have heard of him is scary.

Similar to the US, I do understand why people voted for such a person.  They wanted a change.  They are tired of the crime and corruption and wanted a change.  Well, at least I hope that that is the reason and not that, deep down inside, they are all haters.  I hope and pray that things will not become as polarized in Brazil as they are now in the US.

It does seem that Trump’s reach has no boundaries.  He seems to be influencing the entire world to be more selfish and mean towards each other.

Unfortunately from the 2 main candidates that were left after the Primaries it was a lose-lose situation. Stay with the devil we know or choose a new one, perhaps much worse?

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” – Leo Tolstoy

Sauna, Gym and Dinner – On Sunday I agreed to go to the gym with my friend. I had canceled a couple of times so even though gym was the last thing I wanted to do I felt I had to.  Plus he sandwiched it between a sauna session and dinner, so the idea was more attractive.

We spend 50 minutes in 144 degrees.  I only started sweating a little bit in the end.  For some reason it takes a lot for me to sweat.

This sauna brought to the surface all kinds of feelings.  When I lived with Ex we had a sauna in the bedroom that was exactly like the one I was in on Sunday.  For a second it was like I was back in 2010 sitting next to Ex.

Yes, I missed that time for a second.  No, I don’t want it back.

After the sauna we went to Planet Fitness and did some weight training for over an hour.  It is amazing how I just fell back in love with weight lifting in a second.  Of course I overdid on the weights and today I can’t barely walk.   Call me crazy but I love the pain of feeling I got a good workout.

After showering we went to a Mexican Restaurant called Tequila Sunrise.  I had passion fruit mojito and he had water.  I had steak fajita and he had vegetables.  He is really into being healthy, even more so lately.  I am into more moderation always and treating myself often.

It is interesting how from dating him a few times years ago we have just become great friends.  I know I have kissed him in the past, but I decided that it is not worth doing it anymore.  Next time he tries I am turning him down.  Being friends is so much better.  I don’t want to date him anymore.  I did back in 2015 when we dated, but after he was a bit evasive I realized he was not that interested. In turn I lost interest.

I do treasure his friendship and I am glad that he pushed me to join the gym.


“Make improvements, not excuses. Seek respect, not attention.” ― Roy T. Bennett

Closing doors and making choices

10 Monday Sep 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

≈ 19 Comments

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G. sent me the text above.

He thought I couldn’t resist it.  I did.  I will not reply. I will not fall for the silly attempts.

I let him get back into my life once, thinking that we could build a great friendship after I realized that romance was not in the cards.   Then he made those comments about immigrants.

He was insensitive and never apologized for being so.  Perhaps if he had apologized the friendship could have been saved.

Instead he continued on with his hurtful comments, making matters even worst. He seemed intent on hurting me.

Now it pains me to ignore him. It pains me to ignore anyone.  But I need to stop leaving the door open for anyone to just waltz back in and hurt me again.

I have the power over who I let into my heart and life.  I am using that power.  I am choosing sanity and good energy.

G. don’t bother knocking, the door is locked for you. Don’t try the window either!

“Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.” – Roy T. Bennett

 

Once an illegal immigrant, always an illegal immigrant

03 Monday Sep 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 29 Comments

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“It’s an universal law– intolerance is the first sign of an inadequate education. An ill-educated person behaves with arrogant impatience, whereas truly profound education breeds humility.” – Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn

G., who I thought would be a good friend showed me his true colors.  We were texting back and forth the other day when he made a rude comment about the fact that I was an illegal immigrant once.  I replied that his comment was not cool.

He said that he was making fun of me when I was 17 years old and first arrived in this country and not of the present successful American citizen I had become.  As if that made it okay.  Because I was able to find a law to fit in (applying as an unskilled laborer), and also because I was lucky to win the Green Lottery I am now immune to the attacks on illegal immigrants.

I said I sympathize with all the illegal immigrants and their search for a better life.  They could be me.  I was them.  Again I explained I found his remarks very insensitive.  I wanted him to see it from my point of view. It didn’t work.

He continued trying to justify his remarks by going on and on with ignorant blanket statements.  At one point he asked:  “what will happen when the free beer and chips run out?” implying that the immigrants come here only to get things for free.

That was even more insulting to me as I never took a single dime from the government for anything.  I know some illegals do use and abuse, but to generalize it is ignorance.

“Whatever the cost of our libraries, the price is cheap compared to that of an ignorant nation.” Walter Cronkite

I said to him:  “My huge tax bill pays for services and freebies for tons of lazy Americans and illegals alike.”

This is not complaining about my tax bill, I am paying a lot because I am making a lot.  I see it as a reflection of my success. I said that to him to remind him that not all immigrants are liabilities, some are incredible assets.

This is also not to say that I don’t believe in public assistance services.  They are very much needed and should be used by anyone in need. I want my tax money to help others.

I think deep down inside he resents me for being in a better financial condition than he is. He also resents me because I said I didn’t want to see him romantically again.  He found the perfect way to attack me by attacking people like me.

I said to him that I agreed that we needed an Immigration Reform and I can see both sides of the argument.  I added that I rather not talk about a subject that we clearly have opposite views on. He then called me a Liberal, I called him a Trumpster and he continued his speech.

I don’t have a problem discussing difficult subjects with people but in this case I didn’t want to waste my breath with someone that clearly was set on one way of thinking and no matter what I said wasn’t willing to listen.  He seemed intent on hurting me. Such ignorance!

The Immigration topic is not a simple one.  I can see both sides of the argument.  I choose to view it from the point of love and understanding.  We are all one under God and on this Earth.  Let’s see our fellow human as a person no matter where he comes from, no matter his color, race, sexual orientation, point of view, etc.

“All things truly wicked start from innocence.” – Ernest Hemingway

Let’s step on into each other’s shoes and imagine how it feels.  I expect more from the people that know me and know how hard I have worked to be where I am now and to have all that I have.  I expected more from him.

It shocks me that I didn’t know how he felt this whole time. It is true that I avoided speaking of Trump. It is true that I would be dying to see him, then when I was with him things wouldn’t go quite right.  There was something off.  Now, looking back, I see hints that I should have picked up on.

I really dodged a bullet.  He is not boyfriend material and he is not friend material.   I hope that he reflects on our conversation and perhaps realize how insensitive he was. Perhaps a little light bulb of sensitivity will eventually go on.

I doubt it!

Racism and nonacceptance were always here, but I blame Trump for making it okay for people to attack each other and spout misinformation.  The President is on Twitter attacking whoever he thinks doesn’t fit his idea of great America.  Why would I think the average Joe would be more considerate, more understanding?

Love is the way out.  Love is the only way.  I am choosing Love.  I am choosing to send love to G., but I am choosing not to be his friend and be subjected to his views anymore.

“There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there has always been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that ‘my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.” – Isaac Asimov

Getting back on the horse

16 Thursday Aug 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs.”  – Charlotte Bronte

Since the upsetting email that G sent me I thought I would never speak to him again. Then he started texting me and I didn’t have it in me to ignore him.  I replied.

We started texting every single day as we had done before.  We didn’t work out as a couple but I still think he is a good person and worth of being friends with.

I had stayed away from online dating when I thought he and I could have a future together.  Now I am back at it again.  Some may think that I didn’t really care for him if I am been able to flip from girlfriend to just friend so quickly.

I did care.  I cared a lot.  I thought he was the One.  I had already envisioned a future together.  And then it all fell apart, for no apparent reason. I have 2 choices:  stay stuck there, on the mourning of a relationship or move on.

I am moving on.  I am not being cold.  I am being a realist.  I am saving myself time and energy.  If something doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work, move on.  There is no sense in spending time thinking about it, trying to reflect on what went wrong or why, or even dreaming about it working again.

I embraced thinking he was the One, now I am embracing him as a friend.

“Embrace who you are and your divine purpose. Identify the barriers in your life, and develop discipline, courage and the strength to permanently move beyond them, and keep moving forward.” – Germany Kent

I am back on Match and POF.  My first date since starting again was last night.

I went out with B, he is in Finance and works for a museum in New York City.

He chose an expensive Scandinavian restaurant called Agern located inside Grand Central Station.  I commute every day out of GCS and had never noticed it before. It is hidden in plain sight.

After taking a look at the menu and prices online I told him that perhaps he should choose a place more reasonable. He said that he heard good things about this restaurant and he was glad to take me there.

The ambiance was great, it was quiet and not too bright.  The service was amazing.  The food was good but nothing that I would be looking forward to eating again.  I guess fancy Scandinavian food is not for me.

We shared 2 appetizers, 3 entrees and 1 dessert. We had only one cocktail each and the bill was $250 with tip – I sneaked a peek as he was signing the credit card receipt.

B was such a great person. He was interested and interesting.  The conversation flowed.  Three hours went by and we didn’t even have a chance to talk about his favorite subject: music.

I didn’t get an initial romantic vibe from the date, but I think that a second date may be necessary to make sure.

He texted saying that he had a lovely time and would like to see me again. I said it would be great.

to be continued…

“If I cease searching, then, woe is me, I am lost. That is how I look at it – keep going, keep going come what may.” – Vincent van Gogh