Category Archives: EX Files

My favorite topic: ex
Learning to live without and with him!

Giving it another shot

07 Monday Mar 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 39 Comments

Tags

, , , ,

Update on the date, well, dates, with the man that I had a few dates with 5 years ago. 

1st date. Feb 25. We met at Modern Restaurant.  I had a lychee martini, he had chardonnay.  We shared meatballs and zucchini frites.  Everything was delicious.

When I walked in he was sitting at the bar.  I approached him and hugged him hello. I don’t think he was expecting a hug. I had wondered what would be like seeing him after 5 years.  Nothing had changed.  There was still chemistry.

We quickly got started in updating each other.  When we last saw each other, my sister was just moving to the US.  Now it will be 5 years that she is here.  His daughter was starting High School, now she is in college.

He is not struggling with thoughts of the dead wife anymore. At this point he is done with the grieving process and has been actively dating.  I always thought the reason he ghosted me was that he couldn’t forget the wife.

He is the oldest man I ever dated.  He is 65 years old.  I normally get along better with younger men, but, for some reason, there is something about him.

At the end, he drove me home, a whole block away 😊.  At my door, I just said bye and left the car, there was no kissing or anything and it was perfect like that.

“I had to heal… I had to stop trying to nourish my present life with expired moments. I had to move on… So that I could experience new love without being afraid of old pain.” ― Steve Maraboli

On Sunday, Feb 27, he texted me, but I had to keep the texting short as I was getting ready to go to dinner.

On Tuesday, Feb 29, he texted again and asked if I wanted to go to dinner.  I said yes and we decided to meet the next day. He then wrote: “I will pick you up.” 

I said: “oh you will pick me up?”

He said: “yes, you mentioned you don’t like driving”

Stuff like that means the world to me.  It shows that he was paying attention to what I was saying, and to my likes and dislikes. 

People pay attention: Show you care by your actions and not by words.

We went to Rio Bravo, a Mexican Restaurant in Larchmont. I had chimichangas and he had the enchilada. I had a mojito and he had wine.

The conversation flowed and he mentioned that he didn’t think he ghosted me, he thought I was not interested.  In our last date 5 years ago, he said I was mad when I met him for dinner.  He had texted me something more risqué, and I thought it was too much too soon.  Then during dinner my sister called to mention the fire alarm going off, and I said I had to leave.  He thought there was no alarm and it was something that was pre-arranged to cut the date short.

I was shocked as I remembered none of it.  While I definitely didn’t plan on my sister calling to bail me, I am recalling bits and pieces of that evening.  I remember being moody about something. 

He also mentioned that at that point in time, he definitely was not in a mental space to date.  Perhaps we are both in a better space now.  Perhaps we are both older and wiser.

When he dropped me at my door we kissed good bye.  It was short, sweet and perfect.

“New love is grand. Savor all the crazy, muddled might of it.”
― Eli Easton, The Mating of Michael

The third date was on Friday, March 4th.  He offered to pick me up but I said I would drive.  I don’t like driving but it made more sense.  He lives near the place we were going to. 

I rather let him pick me up when the place is hard to get to, and parking is not easily available.

We went to Chat American Grill in Scarsdale, NY.  I had a couple of passion fruit cosmopolitans and he had chardonnay.  That is his drink of choice.  We shared some appetizers of spring rolls, salad and artichoke.   

When we left we walked to his car and he drove me back to mine.  There was some kissing involved.  And it was good. 😊

It is a bit scary to find someone I really like after so long, specially someone that I had a some history with.  I am trying hard not to start sabotaging this, and to give it a real chance. 

I am doing all I can to stay in the moment, and enjoy all as is. It may last or it may not, and that is not the point.  The point is not to waste the moment trying to control the outcome.

“I know you think I’m crazy. Maybe that’s because I am. About life, about this moment, about you.” ― Crystal Woods, Write like no one is reading

What was he thinking?

17 Monday Jan 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 44 Comments

Tags

, , , ,

“Long before morning I knew that what I was seeking to discover was a thing I’d always known. That all courage was a form of constancy. That it is always himself that the coward abandoned first. After this all other betrayals come easily.” ― Cormac McCarthy, All the Pretty Horses

On March 1, 2022 my blog will turn 10 years old.  My blog started thanks to a boyfriend that broke my heart.

The pain and betrayal was so great that I thought I would die of a broken heart.  One day I think I am living a fairy tale, the next I find out he was cheating.  He never acknowledged or apologized.  He just, very coldly said: ” I am very busy with all my businesses, it is best you move out”.

Move out I did.  He hinted at one day getting back together.  I wanted to buy into that, but eventually I wised up and understood the manipulation.

This whole time he has had a girlfriend living with him, and he will still try to reach out.

Last time I saw him was in 2017 when I sold him back the car that he had given me.  Here, I describe that day:

Facing the one that broke my heart

Since then he reaches out to wish my sister and I a happy birthday or a Merry Christmas.  I never reply.  He doesn’t take the hint. Narcissists and manipulators never do, even if you spell it out for them.  One time I replied to him: ” Pretend I am dead”.

This Christmas he texted.  I ignored.

Then on New Years, I received the text below. I blocked my sister’s name on it.

It makes no sense.  The text would suggest that we have been speaking and that we have a conversation going.

That is him.  He creates his own reality.  He believes his own stories.  Of course I didn’t reply and will not.

I cannot begin to imagine what goes on on his mind, other than the fact that this is what a true manipulator, narcissistic person does.  They ignore reality.  They believe their own lies and create alternate realities.

I keep in contact with his mother, so I am assuming she told him that I was sick with covid and he thought using a sauna would be good.

I never talk to his mother about him. If she ever mentions anything about him, I just change the subject.

I just wanted to share this craziness here and file this under “What Was He thinking?”

The answer is: Who knows? Who cares?  

“MAKING THE LIE MAKE SENSE:

When denial (his or ours) can no longer hold and we finally have to admit to ourselves that we’ve been lied to, we search frantically for ways to keep it from disrupting our lives. So we rationalize. We find “good reasons” to justify his lying, just as he almost always accompanies his confessions with “good reasons” for his lies. He tells us he only lied because…. We tell ourselves he only lied because…. We make excuses for him: The lying wasn’t significant/Everybody lies/He’s only human/I have no right to judge him.

Allowing the lies to register in our consciousness means having to make room for any number of frightening possibilities:

• He’s not the man I thought he was.
• The relationship has spun out of control and I don’t know
what to do
• The relationship may be over.

Most women will do almost anything to avoid having to face these truths. Even if we yell and scream at him when we discover that he’s lied to us, once the dust settles, most of us will opt for the comforting territory of rationalization. In fact, many of us are willing to rewire our senses, short-circuit our instincts and intelligence, and accept the seductive comfort of self-delusion.”
― Susan Forward, When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal

Cute or Cruel?

09 Friday Apr 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 29 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

“Sometimes I go to God and say, “God, if Thou dost never answer another prayer while I live on this earth, I will still worship Thee as long as I live and in the ages to come for what Thou hast done already. God’s already put me so far in debt that if I were to live one million millenniums I couldn’t pay Him for what He’s done for me.” ― A.W. Tozer

P. remains in the hospital.  I didn’t get in touch with his sister again.  I reached out to his friend Pat.  Pat gives me the updates that he gets from P.’s sister.   She is very frustrated by the treatment he is getting in the hospital he is in now.  She happens to be a top nurse in the hospital where he was treated for Covid a couple of months back.

Now he is in another hospital where his sister has no say.  They tested him again for Covid.  It came back positive as it was likely it would. Because of the positive result they put him in the Covid ward and no visitors are allowed.    

I continue to send daily texts to his phone with positive messages in the off chance that he sees them.  I can’t imagine being in a hospital, disconnected from loved ones and depending on strangers. Sending prayers and good wishes every time he comes to mind.

“Within her presence, I had once been used
to feeling—trembling—wonder, dissolution;
but that was long ago. Still, though my soul,
now she was veiled, could not see her directly,
by way of hidden force that she could move,
I felt the mighty power of old love.”
― Dante Alighieri

Moving on to a man from the past. I wrote about this person before, here: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2015/08/26/a-baby-made-me-cry/ and here: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2019/05/09/eliminating-the-distractions/  and in some other posts.  I referred to him as J. or JW.  I had blocked him before but we somehow started communicating again.

He calls and texts every several months.  I normally return the call if it is regarding business.  I last spoke to him a couple of months ago and put him in touch with a colleague regarding a business idea. 

The calls are mostly friendly and always ends up with the idea of one day meeting for drinks.  I know it will not happen, but it has been always the way we end phone calls.

Out of the blue, a couple of days ago, I got the text below:

I didn’t reply, and will not reply.   I feel bad because I don’t like to ignore people.  But in this case I feel I am being the voice of reason for both of us.  I am not adding fuel to this potential fire.  I am not adding my poetic self to his fairy tale view of this almost romance.

What is the point of looking back?  I am single.  He is married.  End of story. I am not going there.  I am sure that he is probably at a point in his marriage that he is bored.  I am variety, I am spice, I am what if.

I have to be honest and say that the attention massaged my ego for a second. Someone is thinking of me, it warmed my heart.  Originally I thought it was sweet, but almost immediately felt annoyed.

“Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified?” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

 I know it may seem like it is just a text.  It is not! It is so much more.  It is the fairy-tale.  In between those lines I read so much more. It is what I dream of and search high and low for. 

My heart took a leap.  Yes, my heart is a dummy dreamer that doesn’t know the difference between lust and love.

Why play with somebody’s heart and emotions like that?  I thought it was a tad thoughtless.  I think he has this fairy-tale idea of the romance we almost lived.  I am not even sure if we would be a good match if we were ever single at the same time. But the question mark remains and it is forever enticing.

It would make a good story, star-crossed lovers that met in a train…

My sister tells me daily that I should write a book…perhaps I should, just to memorialize the eternal search for love… in all the wrong places.

Wishing you all the most amazing weekend!  May it be blessed with surprises! ♥♥

“A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is… A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in.” -― C.S. Lewis

 

Feeling blessed: Pat found me, P. is getting better and A. celebrated me

07 Wednesday Apr 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, EX Files

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

, , ,

“Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.” -― Lao-Tzu

P.’s sister hasn’t contacted me again, as she said she would.  In the meantime, his best friend Pat, contacted me on OKCupid a few days ago.  He wanted to let me know that P. had not ghosted me.

I was very surprised.  It was nice of him to do that.  I gave him my phone number and asked him to let me know if he receives any updates. 

Since I hadn’t heard from the sister, I texted Pat yesterday morning.  He got back to me at the end of the day and he let me know that P. is off of the respirator and out of the ICU. 

I am relieved and happy that he is getting better.  I know I will be speaking to him at some point, but I know he now needs to focus on getting better.  

In the meantime I do sent him texts and messages just sending prayers.

***

Last Friday I was treated to a late birthday dinner by my friend A.  He said he would pick the restaurant.  I was surprised since I am the one that often chooses where we go when we get together.

He picked Lusardi’s, a Mediterranean restaurant in Larchmont, NY.  He said he remembered I mentioned I never went there before.  I was touched that he remembered something I had mentioned in passing a long time ago.

He had red wine and I had a delicious hibiscus martini. We shared a couple of tuna appetizers and salad.  He had a gluten free pasta with vegetables and I had grilled char with cherry tomatoes and artichokes.  We shared a chocolate fudge cake. 

We had an awesome time.  It was a cold evening and we sat next to the fireplace.  We talk about all things spiritual, love, finances, health, anything and everything.  We always have the most amazing time together. 

“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Addicted to Potential

21 Thursday Jan 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 58 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“What should I possibly have to tell you, oh venerable one? Perhaps that you’re searching far too much? That in all that searching, you don’t find the time for finding?” ― Hermann Hesse

My dating life at the moment is non-existent. I am planning on joining another online dating site, but cannot decide which one.  I have been on Match, e-Harmony and Plenty of Fish before. They were all okay.  I have met jerks, but also met some great men. But, for some reason or another, I remain single and still searching.

My sister has never been on a dating site before and I want her to try.  I am suggesting to her Bumble and Our Time.  I think it would be too weird for us both to be on the same site.  We do look very similar on some pictures.  I need to think of other sites.

Any suggestions on what dating site I should join next? I am thinking either OKCupid or Zoosk.

“If I cease searching, then, woe is me, I am lost. That is how I look at it – keep going, keep going come what may.” ― Vincent van Gogh

It is not like it has been ages since I have been on a dating site either. My membership on Match expired at the beginning of December.

The last date I had was in December. I mentioned it in a post how he was such a nice person, that even though I didn’t think there were sparks I thought it was worth a second date.  We also talked about being friends and he was happy with that.  Then he just disappeared.

Nothing.  Not a word. He even ignored my happy holidays wishes.   I am not crying over his disappearance. I learned a long time ago that in these situations, the sooner one accepts it and moves on the better.  I am human, so I am curious.  Why someone chooses to just disappear?

“Potential,” I said, “doesn’t mean a thing. You’ve got to do it. Almost every baby in a crib has more potential than I have.” ― Charles Bukowski

I find disappearing acts childish and immature.  One minute the guy is all over you professing his love, the next he is gone. Not a word.  Strange, weird, but all too common lately.

When people disappear for no reason, with no explanation, I always thank my guardian angels.  I credit them for removing from my life something that would not be good for me in the long run.  I wholeheartedly believe in that. He is still a nice guy, but for somebody else.

I firmly believe that everything that happens in my life is for the best. Sometimes, it may not seem that way at the moment, but ultimately, I am better off.  So, I embrace it all as a gift from above. Disappearing acts included.

And for the disappearing guy I have a poem:

I have more people to meet, stocks to buy,

so thank you for not wasting my time with a good bye.

“Passion creates, addiction consumes.” ― Gabor Maté

And speaking of stocks to buy, I am staging my own intervention.  I have been very busy at work, but whatever little extra time I have I find myself doing something stock related. It seems that, momentarily, I have traded men for stocks.

Dating sites were a distraction from the busyness of work and the craziness of life.  Now tracking stocks is my distraction of choice.

It has been just 2 months since I have started playing the stock market and I already feel the need to reign in my buying compulsion. I have all kinds of stocks, from big well-known ones to obscure niche ones.  From weed growers to bitcoin mining.  I am going crazy.

“This is how we bring about our own damnation, you know-by ignoring the voice that begs us to stop. To stop while there’s still time.” ― Stephen King

It is a lot like gambling and also like treasure hunting. Can I find the next stock that is going to blow up and make me an overnight millionaire?

Of course not.  I know better.  Still, I play.

My addictive personality is addicted to lure of making it big. In the same way I am addicted to the potential of meeting The One in dating sites.  I am addicted to the potential in things.

Because I am addicted to the potential, I look for the good in everything.  I give people and things extra chances. I overdo it.  I overstay.  I keep the door open.

I want to find the needle in the haystack, the diamond among the sea of cubic zirconia.

Hi, my name is Ana and I am an addict!

“Anything that inspires addiction or obsession – substances, entertainment, beauty, secrecy – is dangerous in that it can lead to isolation, self-absorption, and disconnection, to paralyzed stasis: an immobility that gathers like a force.” ― Greg Carlisle

Say What?

30 Monday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 44 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

“Our hearts are not stones. A stone may disintegrate in time and lose its outward form. But hearts never disintegrate. They have no outward form, and whether good or evil, we can always communicate them to one another.” ― Haruki Murakami

and then there were none…

Date update: The Renter is history. After saying he would never go silent again, he did.  I let it go. I know that if I said hello he would start chatting again, but what is the point?  He is clearly not interested and by now neither am I.

The Swiss is also making it clear that he is not interested.  He will respond if I reach out but he is never the one to make contact anymore.  I lost interest in even trying to cultivate a friendship. 

“A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.” ― Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

That brings me to The Enigma. After showering me with poems, songs, and tons of promises of an amazing fairytale, I noticed some distance in the communication.  I reached out a couple of times, but then decided to let it go and see what would happen. 

 After 2 days of silence I got the below text. After some reflection I replied 1 hour later.

“I am larger, better than I thought; I did not know I held so much goodness.
All seems beautiful to me.
Whoever denies me, it shall not trouble me;
Whoever accepts me, he or she shall be blessed, and shall bless me.”
― Walt Whitman

What am I supposed to respond? Of course I wanted details.  I also wanted to help him.  But at this point it seems the Universe if giving me an out so I better take it and don’t question it.

I guess by now, after years of online dating, nothing should surprise me anymore, but people always do.  His text was baffling.  I knew he was dealing with a painful leg injury.  He was shot in an attempted robbery last year.  But apparently there is much more than that. What happened to all the promises of a beautiful relationship?

Some of what he had told me was hard for me to belief because it was so foreign to my simple 9 to 5 work life.  It seemed the stuff that war and spy movies are made of. At one point I mentioned to him that his stories seemed fake, and if they were true that I didn’t know if I could handle it.  Every time we spoke I bombarded him with questions.  I wanted to understand what was in store if we embarked in a future together.  Perhaps he got tired of the interrogation even though he said he was an open book and seemed to welcome all my questions.

“You know there’s no such thing as a complete lie. There’s always some truth in there.” ― David Levithan

He said that he had been in some war conflicts, even getting shot and saving someone’s life by carrying them to safety.  He mentioned being part of a Ranger Regiment.  He said that he was currently involved in strategy with a mercenary company in Russia.  He is partners in dozens of businesses in the US and a couple overseas.  There was a lot he mentioned but I rather keep things somewhat vague here, so I am leaving off the actual names of the companies and certain specific details.  

He had also been a teacher, ran free medical clinics, volunteered at pet shelters, paid for college for a few students, paid for prison commissary for others, among other various things.  He seemed to have lived so many lives.  It was hard not be in awe.

He never seemed annoyed and always seemed willing to try to explain his world to me.  He wanted to assure me that I had no reason to fear him.  He sent me links to news writings and YouTube videos about the military companies in Russia he was currently involved in and the Ranger Regiments he had been in.  

Some of the information he sent me did demystify some aspects of it while others made me even more concerned. 

“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” ― Fyodor Dostoevsky

He said he was planning to go back to school next year and complete another degree. He said he wanted to leave the past behind and that made me happy.

I still think that he was a nice person with a good heart.  I never met anyone so caring and that acted so gentlemanly towards me.  I will miss the smart conversations and the infinite possibilities that being with him held.  I never met anyone so knowledgeable about everything, specially history, art and literature.

I spent some time trying to understand the meaning of his text but some things I will never understand,  He could have called me.  I would not have talked him out of anything.  We talked about being friends no matter what.  It is disappointing that it ends with a text.  I guess he will forever be The Enigma. I will never know if the things that he has told me were true or perhaps just an exaggeration. 

I owe him and the Universe a huge thanks for making the situation clear cut for me.  I no longer have to decide if I can or cannot handle his past and whatever issues he has. I chose kindness with my reply and I believe in my heart that he chose kindness with his text.

I will miss feeling like a muse and princess.  And the search for my prince continues…

“I am constantly trying to communicate something incommunicable, to explain something inexplicable, to tell about something I only feel in my bones and which can only be experienced in those bones. Basically it is nothing other than this fear we have so often talked about, but fear spread to everything, fear of the greatest as of the smallest, fear, paralyzing fear of pronouncing a word, although this fear may not only be fear but also a longing for something greater than all that is fearful.” ― Franz Kafka

 

 

Memory Lane is Full of Pot Holes

02 Monday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

“Sometimes an earthquake or a volcano shake the world, sometimes a virus, sometimes a huge typhoon, sometimes a tsunami! All of them have a common message: Awake to the Truth! And what is the truth? The truth is that Earth and the universe are not a region of order, but a region of chaos and survival!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan

Have you voted yet? Please vote! I am not going to attempt to tell you who to vote for. This is not that post. Right now I don’t have the energy or mental fortitude for that kind of post.

I will be voting tomorrow. I wanted to do the earlier voting but got turned off by the long lines. I figure that by tomorrow there should be no lines since there will be more voting stations and a lot people already voted. Fingers crossed, but line or no line I am voting!

Whatever way it goes I pray for peace, for order, for kindness in people’s hearts. Let’s all remember that we are all brothers and sisters and Earth is our Mother! Let’s protect each other and our mother!

“Deep in the human unconscious is a pervasive need for a logical universe that makes sense. But the real universe is always one step beyond logic.” ― Frank Herbert

Besides going to the mosaic studio, getting a massage and going out to a Japanese restaurant with a friend, I spent most of my weekend going through old photo albums. I bought two set of pictures frames that each hold 6 pictures and set out to find the pictures of my family I loved most.

Organizing anything, gives me a feeling and sense of order. With this looming election and its potential troubled aftermath, I was needing to feel that.

“The sacred formula of positivism: love as a principle, the order as a foundation, and progress as a goal.” ― Auguste Comte

It was a trip to the past. There were 2 men that figured the most in those pictures and consequently in my life.

One is my first boyfriend. I was with him for 20 years. He is more like an annoying relative now. How did I manage to stay with a person that is so completely different from me for 20 years is beyond logic? I cannot seem to have a 5-minute conversation with him nowadays without wanting to scream.

The other man is the one that caused me to start this blog and often referred herein as Ex. We were together for only 3 years, but his impact and the pain he caused me was beyond any pain I ever felt in my life.

I thought I had gotten rid of all traces of him but there remained some beautiful photobooks that I guess I didn’t want to part with before, or perhaps I had forgotten about. I don’t want to part with the visits to temples in Thailand, skiing the snowy mountains of Mont Tremblant, and paragliding in Brazil, among other pictures that brought me so much joy.

What do I do? Do I really want to remember those? Do I need the visual to remember the place and those moments in time?

Some of the albums were easy to remove the pictures, but the photobooks is another story. I have to throw out the entire book.

In my dating profile I may add: Looking for someone willing to do over some of my history.

“Thus there is in the life of a collector a dialectical tensions between the poles of disorder and order.”― Walter Benjamin

By last night I had amassed over 100 pictures to give to the first boyfriend. I figure he will be happy to have some of them back. Plus, he is alone in most of them. In the others he is with my family, which he is still close to.

Now, with Ex, is another story. He and I are not on speaking terms, so trash it is. It is fitting because that is what he did to our, once beautiful, relationship. Gosh, that sounded bitter. I am not bitter. I am not sad. I am indifferent and wishing him well…but far from me, my mind and my peace.

Do you keep old mementos of past relationships? I believe in keeping nothing. Old chapter, turn the page, move on! I don’t want to leave anything to remind me of a person that has no more room in my life.

I am always in awe when I see people that have letters, cards, pictures from many years ago, not only of lovers, but from anyone. I am not one of those people. I keep hardly anything. I feel heavy, even beautiful cards from friends I end up parting with.

In the end a lot of the pictures and most of the photobooks are gone.

Not only I achieved some physical order, I gained some psychological order. It feels cleansing to let go yet again. Ex had been in my mind lately. This is the first year I remembered his birthday in a long time. So it was fitting that I got to clear him out again. Now he is gone, gone, gone!

“I discovered that my obsession for having each thing in the right place, each subject at the right time, each word in the right style, was not the well-deserved reward of an ordered mind, but just the opposite: a complete system of pretense invented by me to hide the disorder of my nature.” ― Gabriel García Márquez

And on a last note, OMG, on some pictures my body is just amazing. Well, there were some that were not that great, but I am ignoring those. I had a great body and I thought I was fat, lets not repeat that mistake.  Let’s love our bodies right here and right now, and always aim to get healthier and healthier. 

I took some pictures out to put all over the apartment as inspiration to go back to that body. I can do it. I am not that far from it.  I refuse to think that I cannot have a 34-year-old body at 54.

Anything and anyone can try to limit me, but I will never limit myself. My mind doesn’t believe in limits, and cannots and impossible. I can achieve whatever I desire if I work hard enough for those.

“The only limits in our life are those we impose on ourselves.” – Bob Proctor”

Choosing to accept. Don’t ask, don’t tell!

26 Monday Oct 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

“Sometimes people let the same problem make them miserable for years when they could just say, So what. That’s one of my favorite things to say. So what.” ― Andy Warhol

I know some of will not understand why but I am still talking to A.-The Renter.  After a couple of days of silence, on Thursday he texted me and asked me if he could call me.  I said ok.

After some chitchat he apologized for the lack of communication.  He didn’t really give me a good excuse for that.  I didn’t really ask for one. I don’t think he has one.  He mentioned being busy with work and getting his house in California ready to be rented out.

At this point I already have it resolved in my heart and mind that he is not for me as a romantic partner. I don’t need to know what happened, the whys of the silence.  Knowing will not change anything.

“Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of ‘not knowing.”― Mark Z. Danielewski

I am of the opinion that if a man wants a woman he will go after her.  There will be no game, there will be no “I am too busy”, etc.  So, him not contacting me for days and ignoring my text just answered that question in my heart.  No need to draw me a picture.

He mentioned the vacation to Cabo, and has been mentioning it daily ever since.  He said I should go to Cali first, stay at a hotel, meet him and if I felt safe and liked him then we would go to Cabo together from there.  He tried to sweeten the pot by adding that he would pay for all the flights and every expense. I would not have to spend a dime.  

I am not tempted at all. It is so easy for me when I make a decision. 

“A very little key will open a very heavy door.”― Charles Dickens

I said it is a bit too late now and he has only himself to blame. He agreed with me and has apologized constantly.

If I don’t want him as a boyfriend anymore, why then am I still communicating with him?

2 words:  Acceptance and belief!

I never give up on people that I genuinely like.  I know it can be a flaw.  I still think he is a nice person and a potential good friend.  I believe in the goodness of people and from the past few months of talking to him I think he is a good person.

I keep doors open. I give second and third chances.  I believe that people are good deep down inside. I am not going off to anywhere to meet him.  If he ever comes to NY I will meet him, but at this point I want only friendship.

If he writes, I will respond.  If I feel like saying something I will write.  If he responds, fine. If he doesn’t that is fine too! That is how I am with my male friends, and that works! That simple! 

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” ― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

In 2015, I had a few dates with someone that disappeared out of the blue. Then he got in touch again and asked me to dinner.  I went, probably thinking romance, but since then we have developed this great platonic friendship.  He has become one of my closest friends. I am so glad I decided to ignore his disappearance.  To this day I don’t know what happened, and I don’t care. 

What I know for sure is, if someone is interested in me romantically he will not disappear or play games.  If he does, and comes back, more often than not I am willing to listen and be friends.

Below is the text he sent after we spoke on the phone.

“A weed is but an unloved flower.”― Ella Wheeler Wilcox

And since then he is in touch every day, many times a day, sharing more of his life.  I didn’t even know he had a dog.  He does have the cutest dog, and still cries about another one that passed not too long ago.

I am willing to be a friend, and will always err on the side of kindness and redemption.  If people take advantage of that, it is on them, not on me. I try, I I accept, I love, I move on, I am happy.

“The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” ― Maya Angelou

What about Dating? Am I too busy, too lazy , too distracted or just not interested?

20 Wednesday May 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 27 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

“Many things interested her and nothing satisfied her entirely.”
― Ivan Turgenev

Do you remember my friend A, the natural doctor?  It had been a long time since we had spoken on the phone.  I met him on a dating site in 2015. We had a couple of dates and then he disappeared.  When he resurfaced we started going out again but only as friends.  We became great friends.

For awhile we had a Sunday routine of going to the gym, then the sauna, then going for a healthy meal.  Then he got busy, I got busy.  Then he got a girlfriend, and became even busier.  Our friendship just became a text every now and then, which he initiated because, to be honest, I am the worst at keeping in touch. 

“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.”― Mark Twain

The other day he reached out and we scheduled a call to catch up.  It was fun.  We spoke about everything, including as:

  • Canceled trips: He was going to Paris and Italy in April with his girlfriend.  I was going to Brazil in April.
  • Supplements and vitamins: I have been taking pretty much the same ones I listed here: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2018/08/08/vitamins-supplements-and-positive-thinking/.  He is the one that has prescribed most of those to help me with my gum issues. He mentioned that he is now also taking Blue-Green Algae and raved about it.  I need to look into that.
  • Real Estate: He is talking about buying an apartment.  He lives in the same town I do.  He has been renting but his rent has been increased so he thinks that now it is time to buy.  I am all for buying and stop paying rent.
  • Books: The list of books that I have started and have yet to finish is endless.  I realized that in going on and on about all my books I never asked him about what he is reading now.  He did mention that one of the ones that I have yet to finish is his all-time favorite book: The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer.
  • Plans for when the quarantine is over:  We both agree that we miss getting massages and going out to eat the most. 
  • and among many other topics, he asked me one question that stumped me:  What about dating?

“Is it that you don’t like people, or that you just grow tired of them and can’t for the life of you remember why you ever found them interesting?”― André Aciman, Find Me

What about dating indeed.  I haven’t thought about dating at all, since M. and I parted ways, a couple of months ago.  I was about to take a break from dating when I met him. I deleted my profiles and gave us a chance.  It didn’t work.  Any time a relationship, or just a date doesn’t end up as I wished,  I don’t despair.  I feel it brings me a step closer to the one time that it will work. I always walk away with something, some lesson.  This time was no different.

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”― Haruki Murakami

There were red flags.  I ignored them and hoped for the best. I erroneously thought I could have a relationship with a die-hard Trump fan.  I thought that as long as we didn’t discuss politics we would be okay. Wrong! Politics, specially nowadays need to be discussed, even if just to agree to disagree.  

https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2020/03/14/loves-trump-hates-immigrants-and-is-clueless-about-sex-not-my-match-the-mistakes-i-made-and-lessons-i-learned-in-this-short-lived-relationship/

When it all came to a head I knew I was ready for that break.  Then quarantine hit, and on top of that I got busy with working on getting my new office set up.

Dating took a back sit.  Still, it is only a matter of time until I get back to online dating.  I enjoy meeting new people, the flirty back and forth, the first date, and all the infinite possibilities.  Above all, I will forever look for my Mr. Right until I find him, if he doesn’t find me first.  So sooner or later I will be describing first dates again.

But for now I am just too busy, too lazy, too distracted or perhaps just not that interested.

“Be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet. Make all your friends feel there is something special in them. Look at the sunny side of everything. Think only the best, be as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give everyone a smile. Spend so much time improving yourself that you have no time left to criticize others. Be too big for worry and too noble for anger.”― Norman Vincent Peale

 

The past that is trying to be present

04 Sunday Aug 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 37 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

“If it’s over, then don’t let the past screw up the rest of your life.” ― Nicholas Sparks

This is again about Ex.  To summarize he is the guy that treated me as a princess then broke my heart by cheating on me.  He refused to try to work on the relationship and asked me to move out. It hurt me so much that I thought I was actually going to die of a broken heart.

I hadn’t heard from him since I sold the car back to him a couple of years ago.  I was ready not to hear from him ever again.  Then he resurfaced in March.  I wrote about here: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2019/03/29/cruel-or-just-clueless/

When he emailed in March I just ignored.  Then a week ago he texted saying he had a new number and asking my sister and I out again.  I didn’t respond.  A couple of days later he wrote again mentioning he wanted to tell me some stories that his kids told him.

I ignored him again, but I am getting really annoyed at him writing as if he is my friend. We are not. He is page from the past and that is where I want him to stay.

Today I typed him a reply because his message was still bothering me. I never sent it. I will continue to chose silence as a response.

But is that the best response for me?

I feel there is so much I want to say to him, even though I have already said so much years ago.  I think I feel that way because he never really listened. I can say all I want as many times I want and still it will not get through.  He believes the stories he tells himself.

Most of all, all I ever wanted was for him to apologize, to take ownership for hurting me.  He apologized but not for cheating on me.  He gave me a lame “I am sorry I was not the man you needed me to be”.  I agree, I needed a man that was honest and loyal and he was neither.

Is there a reason that the past keeps coming back? Is there still anything I need to confront and come to terms with it? ? Why does he still have the power to annoy me?

Should I meet him?

“Let today be the day you finally release yourself from the imprisonment of past grudges and anger. Simplify your life. Let go of the poisonous past and live the abundantly beautiful present… today.” ― Steve Maraboli