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Category Archives: EX Files

My favorite topic: ex
Learning to live without and with him!

Closing doors and making choices

10 Monday Sep 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

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G. sent me the text above.

He thought I couldn’t resist it.  I did.  I will not reply. I will not fall for the silly attempts.

I let him get back into my life once, thinking that we could build a great friendship after I realized that romance was not in the cards.   Then he made those comments about immigrants.

He was insensitive and never apologized for being so.  Perhaps if he had apologized the friendship could have been saved.

Instead he continued on with his hurtful comments, making matters even worst. He seemed intent on hurting me.

Now it pains me to ignore him. It pains me to ignore anyone.  But I need to stop leaving the door open for anyone to just waltz back in and hurt me again.

I have the power over who I let into my heart and life.  I am using that power.  I am choosing sanity and good energy.

G. don’t bother knocking, the door is locked for you. Don’t try the window either!

“Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.” – Roy T. Bennett

 

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Once an illegal immigrant, always an illegal immigrant

03 Monday Sep 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 29 Comments

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“It’s an universal law– intolerance is the first sign of an inadequate education. An ill-educated person behaves with arrogant impatience, whereas truly profound education breeds humility.” – Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn

G., who I thought would be a good friend showed me his true colors.  We were texting back and forth the other day when he made a rude comment about the fact that I was an illegal immigrant once.  I replied that his comment was not cool.

He said that he was making fun of me when I was 17 years old and first arrived in this country and not of the present successful American citizen I had become.  As if that made it okay.  Because I was able to find a law to fit in (applying as an unskilled laborer), and also because I was lucky to win the Green Lottery I am now immune to the attacks on illegal immigrants.

I said I sympathize with all the illegal immigrants and their search for a better life.  They could be me.  I was them.  Again I explained I found his remarks very insensitive.  I wanted him to see it from my point of view. It didn’t work.

He continued trying to justify his remarks by going on and on with ignorant blanket statements.  At one point he asked:  “what will happen when the free beer and chips run out?” implying that the immigrants come here only to get things for free.

That was even more insulting to me as I never took a single dime from the government for anything.  I know some illegals do use and abuse, but to generalize it is ignorance.

“Whatever the cost of our libraries, the price is cheap compared to that of an ignorant nation.” Walter Cronkite

I said to him:  “My huge tax bill pays for services and freebies for tons of lazy Americans and illegals alike.”

This is not complaining about my tax bill, I am paying a lot because I am making a lot.  I see it as a reflection of my success. I said that to him to remind him that not all immigrants are liabilities, some are incredible assets.

This is also not to say that I don’t believe in public assistance services.  They are very much needed and should be used by anyone in need. I want my tax money to help others.

I think deep down inside he resents me for being in a better financial condition than he is. He also resents me because I said I didn’t want to see him romantically again.  He found the perfect way to attack me by attacking people like me.

I said to him that I agreed that we needed an Immigration Reform and I can see both sides of the argument.  I added that I rather not talk about a subject that we clearly have opposite views on. He then called me a Liberal, I called him a Trumpster and he continued his speech.

I don’t have a problem discussing difficult subjects with people but in this case I didn’t want to waste my breath with someone that clearly was set on one way of thinking and no matter what I said wasn’t willing to listen.  He seemed intent on hurting me. Such ignorance!

The Immigration topic is not a simple one.  I can see both sides of the argument.  I choose to view it from the point of love and understanding.  We are all one under God and on this Earth.  Let’s see our fellow human as a person no matter where he comes from, no matter his color, race, sexual orientation, point of view, etc.

“All things truly wicked start from innocence.” – Ernest Hemingway

Let’s step on into each other’s shoes and imagine how it feels.  I expect more from the people that know me and know how hard I have worked to be where I am now and to have all that I have.  I expected more from him.

It shocks me that I didn’t know how he felt this whole time. It is true that I avoided speaking of Trump. It is true that I would be dying to see him, then when I was with him things wouldn’t go quite right.  There was something off.  Now, looking back, I see hints that I should have picked up on.

I really dodged a bullet.  He is not boyfriend material and he is not friend material.   I hope that he reflects on our conversation and perhaps realize how insensitive he was. Perhaps a little light bulb of sensitivity will eventually go on.

I doubt it!

Racism and nonacceptance were always here, but I blame Trump for making it okay for people to attack each other and spout misinformation.  The President is on Twitter attacking whoever he thinks doesn’t fit his idea of great America.  Why would I think the average Joe would be more considerate, more understanding?

Love is the way out.  Love is the only way.  I am choosing Love.  I am choosing to send love to G., but I am choosing not to be his friend and be subjected to his views anymore.

“There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there has always been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that ‘my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.” – Isaac Asimov

Getting back on the horse

16 Thursday Aug 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs.”  – Charlotte Bronte

Since the upsetting email that G sent me I thought I would never speak to him again. Then he started texting me and I didn’t have it in me to ignore him.  I replied.

We started texting every single day as we had done before.  We didn’t work out as a couple but I still think he is a good person and worth of being friends with.

I had stayed away from online dating when I thought he and I could have a future together.  Now I am back at it again.  Some may think that I didn’t really care for him if I am been able to flip from girlfriend to just friend so quickly.

I did care.  I cared a lot.  I thought he was the One.  I had already envisioned a future together.  And then it all fell apart, for no apparent reason. I have 2 choices:  stay stuck there, on the mourning of a relationship or move on.

I am moving on.  I am not being cold.  I am being a realist.  I am saving myself time and energy.  If something doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work, move on.  There is no sense in spending time thinking about it, trying to reflect on what went wrong or why, or even dreaming about it working again.

I embraced thinking he was the One, now I am embracing him as a friend.

“Embrace who you are and your divine purpose. Identify the barriers in your life, and develop discipline, courage and the strength to permanently move beyond them, and keep moving forward.” – Germany Kent

I am back on Match and POF.  My first date since starting again was last night.

I went out with B, he is in Finance and works for a museum in New York City.

He chose an expensive Scandinavian restaurant called Agern located inside Grand Central Station.  I commute every day out of GCS and had never noticed it before. It is hidden in plain sight.

After taking a look at the menu and prices online I told him that perhaps he should choose a place more reasonable. He said that he heard good things about this restaurant and he was glad to take me there.

The ambiance was great, it was quiet and not too bright.  The service was amazing.  The food was good but nothing that I would be looking forward to eating again.  I guess fancy Scandinavian food is not for me.

We shared 2 appetizers, 3 entrees and 1 dessert. We had only one cocktail each and the bill was $250 with tip – I sneaked a peek as he was signing the credit card receipt.

B was such a great person. He was interested and interesting.  The conversation flowed.  Three hours went by and we didn’t even have a chance to talk about his favorite subject: music.

I didn’t get an initial romantic vibe from the date, but I think that a second date may be necessary to make sure.

He texted saying that he had a lovely time and would like to see me again. I said it would be great.

to be continued…

“If I cease searching, then, woe is me, I am lost. That is how I look at it – keep going, keep going come what may.” – Vincent van Gogh

This was extremely annoying and unnecessary. He missed a great chance to be quiet.

03 Friday Aug 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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” Sometimes your knight in shining armor turns out to be an idiot wrapped in tin foil.” – unknown

I just got this very short email from G.  This is it in its entirety:

I’m still a little shell shocked from my last relationship. You did a few things probably innocently last weekend that rocked me which is why I was off.

You were probably kidding but it still it rocked me. I think the world of you lady.

What?  What is the point of this email?

Some things I did?

I know that if I am guilty of anything in this relationship was of being too nice and trying too hard.

In this relationship all I did was give and go out of my way for somebody.  Some times I make a guy jump through hoops, except this time.

Is this his way of offering an explanation to his behavior?  We are past this.  I don’t care for answers or explanations anymore.  I did all the trying.  I am done.

Does he want me to ask what was that I did that triggered something in him?   Is this email supposed to make me curious?  Should I say sorry for something I have no clue?

“If you’re not comfortable enough with yourself or with your own truth when entering a relationship, then you’re not ready for that relationship.” -Steve Maraboli

I tried to talk about this previous relationship of his but he didn’t want to get too much into it.  I respected that.  He said they were together in the past, then recently tried again but still the issues were all there as before and he broke up for good.

I asked if there was any chance of getting back together and he said: never.  He made sure to say, more than once, that I was the total opposite of her.

I am hoping for his sake that he had no expectations when he sent this email as he is getting no replies of any sort.

I will not ask what I did (or he thinks I did) because I do not care.  I am not even curious.  Whatever way he felt or is feeling is on him not me.

It is not what I did, it is how received and reacted (or didn’t react) to it.

“I’m not crying because of you; you’re not worth it. I’m crying because my delusion of who you were was shattered by the truth of who you are.” – Steve Maraboli

He had plenty of chances and freedom to tell me anything he wanted.  He was free to say what bothered him at the time that it happened.  I made sure that we made communication a priority in this relationship.

I told him that I joke a lot and I can be sarcastic so he had to speak up if he ever didn’t like anything I did or said.  He had said my honesty was refreshing.  Why hold it in, be a jerk and now send such an email?

I didn’t reply and will not reply to such emails.  Either tell me what you think I did that hurt, offended, “rocked” you or just be quiet.

Sorry for venting, but this email was really aggravating and offending to me.  To me, we were done and moved on to being friends that texted every now and then.  I was happy with that. No need for explanations that will not change anything, and to perhaps just make me feel that I am guilty of something.

“I will not try to convince you to love me, to respect me, to commit to me. I deserve better than that; I AM BETTER THAN THAT…Goodbye.” – Steve Maraboli

 

 

Dates, friends and the whatnots

24 Thursday May 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Dental Issues: I had a laser treatment called Lapip done to try to save a couple of implants I have. I had several shots of local anesthesia so other than the pain of the needle there was only minor discomfort afterwards. Now, fingers crossed and invoking the help of angels, I pray that it will work. Otherwise I will need to return and have the implant(s) removed. Please send me a positive vibe. 🙂

Cheating?
Not even close. My married pal and I have been keeping the texting strictly platonic.   We haven’t texted much, but when we do it, it is mostly fun and platonic.

In the beginning it seemed that things would veer off the friendship course and into the sexual realm. Incredibly and happily, they did not.

I realized that I can be quite an instigator. Once I started paying more attention to what I was saying/writing and staying away from innuendos, he caught on and toned things down also.

“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.”  – Paulo Coelho

It was good for me to realize that I needed to take accountability for my actions and to realize that it was all up to me.  I am not a victim, this time or ever.

It feels good to just be friendly without the added pressure of wondering if it will go any further.

Trips down memory lane are a waste of time and energy. They don’t add anything to my present or future. It glamorizes a time that perhaps it was not even that great, but the absence of it makes it appear so.

“Yet in opinions look not always back,–
Your wake is nothing, mind the coming track;
Leave what you’ve done for what you have to do;
Don’t be “consistent,” but be simply true.” – 
― Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr. 

Friends with Benefits?
Not really full benefits, just a little perk every now and then.

Last Thursday my doctor friend and I got together again for dinner. This time it was just food, drinks and conversation.  We went to Rio Bravo in Larchmont, NY.  It was late and all the other places we wanted to go to were already closing their kitchens.  That is the problem with the suburbs… the kitchens close at 9:30.  The food and service was great.

We normally talk about everything, life, philosophy, spiritualism, etc.  Sometimes there is flirting, sometimes there is not.  This time there was no flirting or kissing.  It was equally fun.  I enjoy his company period.

I don’t think many people would understand it, but so far it works for us.   The deep, meaningful conversations is what I treasure most.  Kissing may happen or may not, and it hardly makes a difference.

“There can be no life without change, and to be afraid of what is different or unfamiliar is to be afraid of life.” – Theodore Roosevelt

I know, it is still crazy for me that I am okay with that.  It is crazy to discover this new side of me.  I normally like thinks defined, black or white, yes or no.  To find out that I am perfectly okay with this situation is freeing.

I think it works because, not only I don’t expect anything more than what it is, I don’t want it either.  I like things just the way they are.

This feels exactly like what freedom should taste like. There is this calm, no pressure, no expectation and I love it!!

“Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.” – Anthony Robbins

Dating?
Some.

Last Monday I met the Nature/Science writer.  We went to Wine 34, a fun, as the name would indicate, wine bar on 34th street. The food and drinks were great. He is very smart and loves to talk so there was no silent moments.  There was no hint of romantic chemistry for me.  He wants a second date. I didn’t give a final answer yet, but I think there will be no second date.  I don’t want to waste his or my time. And even worst, I don’t want to give him false hope.

Last night I finally met the realtor that I have been speaking to for the past couple of months.  I give him credit for his patience and not giving up.  We went to Favela Cubana near Washington Square Park.  As the name would hint at, the food was Brazilian and Cuban.  Some dishes were good, but the pao de queijo was awful. My date had 3 Bloody Marys and a gin and tonic. I had a passion fruit caipirinha and then I tried a drink made with St. Germain, which is a liquor that I enjoy.  They were both good.

He was a very nice guy and the jury is still out on if there will be a second date or not, but I am leaning towards not.  He kissed me, a quick peck on the lips and that was okay.  But then he just kept wanting to kiss me again.  There is nothing more annoying to me than to keep saying no to someone.  What is the rush?  I hate feeling pressured.

The data architect is still in the picture.  We haven’t met again due to our conflicting schedules.  I don’t detect romance but he is just such a nice person and with all this texting we have become friends.  I think I will meet again and see what happens.

“The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.” – Albert Einstein

Is this cheating or just a harmless trip down memory lane?

17 Thursday May 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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My soul is a hidden orchestra; I know not what instruments, what fiddlestrings and harps, drums and tamboura I sound and clash inside myself. All I hear is the symphony.” – Fernando Pessoa

On May 1st, while at the casino with my mom I got a text from a ghost from the past.  This one: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2017/10/20/determined-and-no-longer-feeling-lost/

We hadn’t spoken in over a year.  Back then, as that post described, I felt it was not smart to continue exchanging messages with him.  Our texting, or should I call it sexting since most of what we talked about would make most people blush, no longer seemed appropriate.

I always enjoyed the texting as it was laced with the possibility of all happening again, but then he was an engaged man.  I could not longer deny that he was an unavailable man.  Reliving the past was no longer a possibility.  I thought we could just text as friends but, when, without missing a beat, he made a sexually flirty comment I asked for a break. I felt offended, used and possibly a little hurt that he had chosen to marry someone else (if I am to be completely transparent).

He obliged and never reached out until now.  For some reason I knew we would speak again and I was actually surprised it took him this long to text.  I was also firm on my resolve to ignore him if he ever reached out again.

That resolve completely disappeared the moment he reached out with the excuse that he thought he had seen me walking down 34th street as he was going by in a cab. I hesitated for half a second, then replied.  Seeing his name on my phone made me happy.  Enough time had gone by that I was no longer hurt.

“I have found both freedom and safety in my madness; the freedom of loneliness and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us.” – Kahlil Gibran

I miss him.  We were friends for a long time.  The dating/sex stuff was part of it, but I like to believe that we had a strong connection even outside of that.  We have a history and good memories that we are both fond of.  I don’t think he lied to me.  I think he didn’t volunteer a lot and, honestly, I probably didn’t want to know.   I was telling myself that the girlfriend was not serious.  Sometimes ignorance is bliss.  Until it bites us on the face. Face bites are painful and hard to ignore!

We now have been texting every now and then, and getting very near to the conversations of the past.  I know what he is after.  It is the same thing that attracts me to him.  No, it is not sex.  It is the idea of sex.  It is the excitement and possibilities of sex.  It is the memories of the sex we had before.  He, I am sure, doesn’t want to risk his marriage.  Me, I am sure, I don’t want to carry the karma of messing up a marriage.

He knows exactly how to make me weak in the knees.  Just the idea of him still does it for me.  I know exactly how to push his buttons and make him forget his name and his way home.  He is probably already bored in his marriage and I miss that incredible chemistry we had.  I miss the idea of him.  I miss being intimate with someone, even if it is just in memories.

Then I look in the mirror and staring back at me is fraud, is phony, is hypocrisy.  This is a slippery road.  I am flirting with disaster.  I have been cheated on before.  I know the pain.  I don’t want to cause it on anyone for any reason.  I know we will not be physical with each other but talking about it seems harmful enough, or is it harmless?  When is cheating really cheating? What counts as cheating?

what we could be
if we stopped
carrying the remains
of who we were.” – Tyler Knott Gregson

And here I am writing this in the hopes that you will absolve me and give me permission to make trips down memory lane with this one person.  I want you to tell me that it is okay if sometimes the conversation veer into the past, and into x-rated territory.

I sit here, shameful and blameless, absolving myself and assuming full blame.  It is not easy to ignore his texts.  I don’t want to ignore his texts.  But do I have to?  Why can I explore a playful side without any consequences?

Who am I kidding?  There is a consequence to every action. Even if I want to look the other way.

Here I am again confusing drama with excitement and trying to blur the lines.  If I am intent on making a mistake, shouldn’t I go out and make new ones, and therefore learn new lessons?

I know the answer to all the questions swirling around in my mind.  I have a moral compass that sometimes I wish would just take a day off.

It is just that sometimes getting burn seems like a much better proposition than the mundane nothingness of everyday.

“Oh Sometimes I want a quiet life, other times I want to go a little bit fucking Gatsby.” Atticus

 

Forgiveness is a necessity not a luxury!

01 Thursday Feb 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” – Mahatma Gandhi

I was talking to a friend the other day and I was shocked at how bitter she still is over something that happened years ago.  She still foams at the mouth anytime she recounts the events.

There is no reason for her to be reliving the past other than hurt and to feel like a victim again.  I guess it feeds something in her, otherwise she wouldn’t be doing it.

I tried telling her to let it go, that holding anger in is only hurting herself.  It only keeps her in the past, not allowing her to move on.

She was not listening.  She said that I couldn’t possibly understand all she went through.  She forgets I do understand. I probably have gone through more, I just choose not to advertise and live in it like she does it.

She also starts talking about how she hopes that that person is suffering now.  There is nothing more unattractive and distasteful to me than vengeance. I don’t understand it.  I don’t see what someone gains with it.

I have stopped trying to reason with her.  Now I just listen when it is unavoidable, and change the subject as soon as possible.

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” – Steve Maraboli

Today my message is for her, but since she is not ready to receive perhaps somebody else is, and it also serves as a reminder for myself to look around and see if I am really being as forgiving as I like to think I am.

The harder something is to forgive the more you need to forgive and the freer you will feel when you do it.  Forgiving is a gift you give yourself.  It is not easy but it feels so good.

Is there someone or something in your past that still has a hold on you?  Is there someone that you still think about it and it gets you angry, sad, and overwhelmed every time?

I am one of those people that easily get mad but I am even quicker to forgive.  I consider that a gift.  Most of the time I don’t even remember I was ever mad to begin with.

I believe in redemption, but I also believe in keeping my spirit light without carrying around the baggage and burden of anger and rancor.

Still there are times that even for me is not that simple.  At those times I need help and I pray.

Many of you know that I started this blog out of the pain of a broken heart.  Several years ago I thought I had met Prince Charming and for 3 years he treated me like a Princess.  Then one day I found out he was cheating.  There was no working it out, he didn’t want to.  He just asked me to move out.  Not only was he a cheater he was also an extremely cold human being.

Having the rug pulled out from under me was one of the hardest things I had to go through.  I was calling my sister multiple times a day until one day she said she was worried about my sanity.  At that moment I realized that I had no right to drive anyone else crazy over that.  Instead of calling her I started putting my pain on paper and then on the web, thus this blog was born.

“Behind every beautiful thing, there’s some kind of pain.” – Bob Dylan

At that point I went through all the stages of grief, more than once, and anger was there also. It was a tough period in my life. So I prayed, I prayed and then I prayed some more.

There is one specific prayer that I used and use often.  I use it when someone angers me, hurts me, anytime I see sadness and resentment building up inside me.

I was blessed to have grown up attending Seicho-No-Ie teachings.  Their teachings are about the power of the mind and the power of positive thinking. I am being overly simplistic here so feel free to read more online.  Even though it has been many years since I have studied anything regarding their teachings it is a prayer that I learned there that I turn to time and time again.

Forgiveness Prayer.  (Where it says “you” I normally add the name of the person or event)

“I have forgiven you. You have forgiven me. I have forgiven you. You have forgiven me.
You and I are one in God.
I love you. You love me. I love you. You love me.
You and I are one in God.
I am grateful to you. You are grateful to me. I am grateful to you. You are grateful to me.
You and I are one in God.
There is now no longer any ill feeling between you and me.
I wish you ever increasing happiness in the days to come.”

+++++

“I have forgiven all of these people. I surround each and every one of these people with God’s love. In the same way that I surround every one of these people with God’s love, He too forgives my mistakes. He surrounds me with infinite love.”

+++++

“God forgives you. Therefore, I too forgive you.”

What also helps me it to look at the person as a teacher and at the event as a lesson, as a vessel for my betterment.  I can see now how each experience has made me stronger.  If were not for my Ex I would have never had started this blog and have never encountered so many amazing friends with amazing life stories.  For that alone I would get hurt all over again.  For that I thank him.

“The wound is the place where the light enters you” – Rumi

Also very important is to not forget to forgive ourselves.  We make mistakes, daily, little and big ones.  We say what we didn’t mean to, we gossip, we forget to be nice, etc.  We hurt others.

We need to forgive ourselves also for the part we play in hurting ourselves.   We choose the wrong person to trust, to love, and we get fooled and hurt.

Forgive yourself, you are human and flawed, but you also have a loving heart, a trusting soul, a gentle spirit.  Never admonish yourself for being open to love.  That is one of our greatest gifts, the ability to love.

I am going to open my heart many times, and many times I will feel like a fool.  Many more times I will get hurt and cry.  Still I am going to continue doing it, because not trusting and not loving is not living. And life is too precious a gift to waste.

Forgive, always! Forgive a person, forgive an event, forgive yourself, and move on!

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

 

Allusive, Elusive or Illusive

30 Tuesday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Words can be like X-rays if you use them properly — they’ll go through anything. You read and you’re pierced.”  – Aldous Huxley, Brave New World

Any time an online dating profile makes me go look at a dictionary that is a person that I would like to date.

One of the ways to my heart is definitely through my mind. Intelligence is so attractive.  A way with words is so alluring.  I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I am a sapiosexual.  That is a fairly new term to explain people that are sexually attracted to intelligent people.

I am attracted to the whole package:  smart, funny, inquisitive, among other things.

But if I had to pick just one thing to which to assess a partner, I would choose: The KISS.

That may strike people as funny considering how last short lived romantic interest scored very poorly in that department and I was still interested in him.  Just blame my hopeful self.  I thought I could teach him how to use his tongue.

Thinking back, fresh out of that almost relationship, I realized that I cannot betray the things that are important to me.  Kissing is a big deal to me.  If P. had I tongue I never found out. Unacceptable!!

Do I rather have someone with a way with words or a way with his tongue?

Now I am getting off the point of this post.  Let’s go back to vocabulary before things here gets x-rated.  The post today is not about kissing but about the beauty of words and their meanings.

“I turned silences and nights into words. What was unutterable, I wrote down. I made the whirling world stand still.” – Arthur Rimbaud

This one profile I saw today had the word illusive in it.  The way he used made me think of elusive, which is a word I use a lot.  Then allusive came to mind and I just had to run to the dictionary and get a clear explanation of their meanings.

Here is how the Merriam Webster Dictionary defines these 3 words:

Allusive:

1: an implied or indirect reference especially in literature

  • a poem that makes allusions to classical literature ; also : the use of such references

2: the act of making an indirect reference to something: the act of alluding to something

Elusive:

: tending to  elude: such as

a : tending to evade grasp or pursuit ; elusive prey

b : hard to comprehend or define

c : hard to isolate or identify

Illusive:

: illusory  –

 based on or producing illusion: deceptive

Even though the writer of this profile was not a match for me I wrote him a quick note complimenting him on his well-written profile.  It was so entertaining, deep, smart and funny.  I wish I had written.

I challenged myself to write a sentence using those 3 words.  Here is the result:

My last love interest often alluded to his considerable wealth and our bright future; then he became as elusive as my goal of losing 10 pounds; leading me to conclude that his interest was illusory.

Not sure I have been successful with that sentence, but one thing is certain I aim to improve.  I will add English vocabulary to my French and Latin studies.

“Everybody has talent, but ability takes hard work.” – Michael Jordan

No crying at this funeral

26 Friday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 32 Comments

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I was surprised and glad he didn’t reply yesterday.  Today he reached out as if all is the same.   Here is his text (the bottom part following the exchange from yesterday):

The first word that comes to mind is: CLUELESS. Is he on some kind of medication? Were we in the same relationship together?

I am so surprisingly unemotional about it that my friend A said that I cannot deny this moment.  He said I need to feel to heal.

I don’t want to waste my energy on the past but I think my friend has a point.  Every loss, no matter how small and brief needs to be mourned.  I cannot just brush it up like it never happened.

Even though my heart is fine and I am not feeling any sort of sadness, this loss happened and it marked me.  I need to mourn it, to dissect it and then move on.

He was a potential, a possibility, a what if.  He was a maybe that seemed so certain for a moment in time.  When he arrived he was such a sweet surprise.  My heart sang, my spirit soared. I spoke about him to people such a sure thing I thought he was.

The best part was that he seemed to feel the same way and he was not afraid to let me know. In his presence I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world.  I don’t remember a guy ever having that strong an effect on me.

And then something happened.  One day I may find out what really happened, why he he changed, but that is really not even important.  What is important is that the dream died almost as fast as it arrived.

I am taking 5 minutes now to be sad, to wallow in pity, to ponder about it, to lick my wounds and then close that chapter and move on. I am digging deep and bringing it all to the surface.

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” – Kahlil Gibran

I wanted it to work.  I was in love with the idea of us.  I could see our potential.  Now I feel taken for granted, unappreciated. How can he turn his back so easily on we?  How can he so easily throw a miracle away?

What was my role in it and how I can improve on going forward?

I am not saying I did anything wrong.  I didn’t!  I was myself and I will not apologize for that.  He probably didn’t do anything wrong either.  We were victims of the circumstances.  We had different expectations, wants and communications styles.

I do intend to take full advantage of all the experiences I go through in life, taking the time to learn and improve. I see areas that I could fine tune.

Please feel free to give me your 2 cents, or a whole dollar for that matter. My heart and mind are open to receive your feedback.

“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.” -Benjamin Franklin 

Areas to improve:

  • I was too honest.  While honesty is a virtue and I pride myself on it, it doesn’t mean that I have to say it all that comes to mind.
  • I was too available.  Any time he contacted me I replied. I made myself free any time he wanted to meet.  My life was him.
  • I gave him too many options and left the ball on his court.  I put myself at his mercy.
  • I put all my eggs in one basket.  I immediately stopped dating and talking to anyone else.
  • I presented no mystery. I was an open book from the beginning.  It is okay to reveal yourself slowly and not all at the beginning.
  • Perhaps I expected too much too soon

“Let the improvement of yourself keep you so busy that you have no time to criticize others.” -Roy T. Bennet

What did I do right? (and this part is debatable)

  • I was myself.  There is no greater joy then being myself and making no excuse for it.
  • I played not games, or played hard to get.
  • I spoke my mind.  I had opinions and was not afraid to share.
  • I didn’t expect him to read my mind I told him how I felt and what I wanted.
  • I was open minded and willing to be the one to choose the restaurant, even though he said he would do it and then didn’t.  I have canceled dates for less than that so I really give myself credit for this.

I still think he is a great person. It may seem crazy but I still would welcome a friendship. I know he is going through something.  Perhaps it is something that I don’t want to get involved in and I am being spared.

When we spent time together he was the most kind, considerate man I ever met. It was all about me and about making sure I was okay.

I believe in redemption. I believe in the goodness of people. I don’t believe that most people set out to hurt others. Most are hurt themselves and just don’t know how to deal with that pain, so they in turn hurt whoever is next to them.

My doctor friend A,  is someone that I dated and that I thought it was going to go somewhere. That was over 2 years ago.  Then he started to slowly disappear. I am not even sure how it happened.  It hurt me, I was confused.  Then he reached out and we start talking and meeting for brunch.  There has never been any romance after we started to see each other again and it has been perfect that way.  Our friendship has blossomed and I know he is a friend that I can count on.  I am glad that I decided to look past his prior behavior that to this day there is no explanation and I actually don’t need one.  We are much better friends than we would have been as a couple.

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I don’t know if Peter would welcome a friendship, but we shall see.

If I am going to completely honest looking at this almost relationship with a clinical eye I have to point out the following hurdles that I would have to get over to make the romantic relationship work:

1) Lack of deep conversation. I seemed to be doing all the talking and a lot of the conversation seemed to be superficial.  I thought that perhaps things would get better with time.  I need mental stimulation,
2) Lack of Passion. We held hands, we kissed.  I think there was more passion in the hand holding then in the kissing. He seemed to enjoy the kisses, but I hate to say it was just not that pleasurable to me.  Not the type of kiss I am used to. I had hoped I could teach him the way I like it, but I wondered if he would be open to learning. I need passion.
3)There was a couple of answers to questions about his past that it didn’t seem to add up to what I had found online.  While it was not anything serious, it raised some doubts in my mind as to the real truth.  I need honesty.

RIP potential relationship!

Enough about Peter!

NEXT!!

“It was too perfect to last,’ so I am tempted to say of our marriage. But it can be meant in two ways. It may be grimly pessimistic – as if God no sooner saw two of His creatures happy than He stopped it (‘None of that here!’). As if He were like the Hostess at the sherry-party who separates two guests the moment they show signs of having got into a real conversation. But it could also mean ‘This had reached its proper perfection. This had become what it had in it to be. Therefore of course it would not be prolonged.’ As if God said, ‘Good; you have mastered that exercise. I am very pleased with it. And now you are ready to go on to the next.”  – C.S. Lewis

 

 

 

Don’t try to make sense, just dance!

19 Friday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me, Food, Poetry

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“Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion.” -Rumi

Last night I saw anxiety creeping in. Yes I actually saw it. I looked in the mirror and the face looking back at me was not the usual smiling face with bright shiny eyes. This face had dead sad eyes and the lips were just there, unmovable walls. Looking in the mirror only made the dark feelings intensify.

Nothing made sense.  Nothing felt right. I was alone. I was weak.

I knew that if I gave into those feelings I would soon be crying and feeling totally powerless and beaten. Crying is definitely okay in my book but when I have a reason for it. Crying out of pity for myself is not productive, it is not what I do, it is not who I am.

I felt hungry as if I hadn’t eaten in days. I wanted to head to the fridge and stuff my face in something sweet. I wanted to drown the sad feelings in a tub of ice cream. I wanted chocolate cookies to prevent my tears from falling. I wanted my best friend Sugar to assure me that I was going to be okay.

The problem with my friend Sugar is that it is such a sneaky weasel. It takes me to amazing high levels of euphoria and then, not too long after it has me crashing down. That is a roller coaster that tonight I refuse to get on.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”  – Rumi

I am smarter than that. I know this is not a physical hunger, after all I just had a great dinner of brown rice, vegetables and chicken. I even had a tiny piece of cheesecake for dessert. This is my being crying out for attention. This was my body trying to make my insides feel better by giving in to outsides urges.

Sugar is my drug of choice. For you it may be something else, alcohol, shopping, etc, Whatever it is, when used in this way it is not a friend, it is an enemy.

I knew exactly what prompted the feelings I was having. It all started 30 minutes before.

“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?”  – Rumi

Around 8:30pm I called P. He calls every night and last night I decided I should call for a change and to let him know that I do think of him. The call went straight to voice mail. Immediately I felt like I was punched on the stomach. How dare he not answer the phone and worse, why it is off.  It didn’t feel right. Immediately my delusional self starting conjuring up all kinds of thoughts.

That was on top of having gone this entire week without scheduling a date. We talked about meeting Saturday night and/or Sunday, and even me possibly going to his house, but there is nothing definite.  And of also realizing that he is still on the dating app.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” – Rumi

The woman in me that got cheated on over 5 years ago came back full force and started connecting the invisible dots and creating stories. I vow not to be made a fool ever again.  I thought he was probably on a date and turned the phone off not to be disturbed. Not only was he on a date but he would probably start liking her better than he likes me. Soon this blossoming relationship would shrivel up and die.

The reality is that we have known each other for less than a month and have gone on 4 dates only. Even though we both feel this is different, we really have no clue. I realize that relationships need to marinated, need be tended to, need to have air to breath.

There is nothing really happening. We are both free to date other people. I like to say that competition is welcomed.  It only makes me look better.

I don’t believe that every guy will cheat on me. I also believe that there is a guy for me out there and I am not sure it is him. I am also not sure it is not him yet.

“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.”  – Rumi

Where is this delusional, insecure, paranoid, jealous woman coming from?

Then it hits me:

PMS

I am glad I keep track of it.  I look at the app in my phone and there it is.  I am in the middle of PM.  I know these feeling are momentary and not based in reality. I know they will pass.  All I have to do is be okay with feeling uncomfortable and sad for a moment.

The feeling of doom. The feeling that the world is coming to an end. The paralysis. That is what PMS feels like to me. I even warn people about it, as I know I can be a little out of my mind at that time.

So it is just you, PMS, old frenemy! You don’t own me! You can mess up my hormones every now and then, but I will show you who the boss is!

“Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.”  – Rumi

So I did the only thing I could think to do:

I DANCED!

I put some loud music on and I danced. I danced like no one was watching and no one really was. If they were they would probably want to join in as I was having so much fun. I danced as if I wanted the dance moves to shake the fears and anxiety away from my body.

I danced with my soul.  It was a freedom, gratitude, euphoria, wanting to live and love dance!!

IT WORKED!

I felt instantly better. I felt alive! I felt energized! I felt grounded and centered! Life returned to my eyes, the smile to my lips. As in a miracle, the dark cloud lifted.

To continue on my good mood trajectory, I started thinking of all the blessings I have in my life. The list is so huge and amazing,  it is impossible to be sad or down when confronted with that knowledge.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi

At 9:44pm he texted me to say sorry. He said he had fallen asleep without saying good night. He said he had laid down for a minute and didn’t wake up until now.
I said that I thought he was out and about and had the phone off not to be bothered. He said the battery had died on his phone.

Do I believe him? I don’t know! At this point I don’t care. There is nothing going on. We are getting to know each other. So I am keeping an open mind and will trust until I have a reason not to. I will also not create problems and be overly dramatic or clingy.

The odd thing is that getting his text didn’t make me feel happy or relieved.  It was indifferent.  Proving to me that at the end of the day, we are in charge of our emotions and well-being.  No one can make you feel better or worse, loved or unloved.  Only you have that power.  The sooner we realize that the happier we become.

“Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” – Rumi

This is the first time I use dance as a coping mechanism, as a pacifier and medication.  I normally go to gratitude and prayer.

May I offer everyone that suggestion?  Next time you are down, how about you get up and dance.  While dancing you can make mental lists of all blessings and say a prayer thanking for all of those blessings.

***

The dancing reminded me of one of my favorite poets and scholar: Rumi. His poems and teachings really resonate with me. They touch my inner being. They make life make sense to me. They make me want to love with abandon.

“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.”

With Rumi in my mind I peppered this post with his quotes and I offer everyone this poem. I hope that everyone at some point in their lives get to love with abandon.

“I want to see you.

Know your voice.

Recognize you when you
first come ’round the corner.

Sense your scent when I come
into a room you’ve just left.

Know the lift of your heel,
the glide of your foot.

Become familiar with the way
you purse your lips
then let them part,
just the slightest bit,
when I lean in to your space
and kiss you.

I want to know the joy
of how you whisper
“more”
Rumi