Category Archives: EX Files

My favorite topic: ex
Learning to live without and with him!

Addicted to Potential

21 Thursday Jan 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“What should I possibly have to tell you, oh venerable one? Perhaps that you’re searching far too much? That in all that searching, you don’t find the time for finding?” ― Hermann Hesse

My dating life at the moment is non-existent. I am planning on joining another online dating site, but cannot decide which one.  I have been on Match, e-Harmony and Plenty of Fish before. They were all okay.  I have met jerks, but also met some great men. But, for some reason or another, I remain single and still searching.

My sister has never been on a dating site before and I want her to try.  I am suggesting to her Bumble and Our Time.  I think it would be too weird for us both to be on the same site.  We do look very similar on some pictures.  I need to think of other sites.

Any suggestions on what dating site I should join next? I am thinking either OKCupid or Zoosk.

“If I cease searching, then, woe is me, I am lost. That is how I look at it – keep going, keep going come what may.” ― Vincent van Gogh

It is not like it has been ages since I have been on a dating site either. My membership on Match expired at the beginning of December.

The last date I had was in December. I mentioned it in a post how he was such a nice person, that even though I didn’t think there were sparks I thought it was worth a second date.  We also talked about being friends and he was happy with that.  Then he just disappeared.

Nothing.  Not a word. He even ignored my happy holidays wishes.   I am not crying over his disappearance. I learned a long time ago that in these situations, the sooner one accepts it and moves on the better.  I am human, so I am curious.  Why someone chooses to just disappear?

“Potential,” I said, “doesn’t mean a thing. You’ve got to do it. Almost every baby in a crib has more potential than I have.” ― Charles Bukowski

I find disappearing acts childish and immature.  One minute the guy is all over you professing his love, the next he is gone. Not a word.  Strange, weird, but all too common lately.

When people disappear for no reason, with no explanation, I always thank my guardian angels.  I credit them for removing from my life something that would not be good for me in the long run.  I wholeheartedly believe in that. He is still a nice guy, but for somebody else.

I firmly believe that everything that happens in my life is for the best. Sometimes, it may not seem that way at the moment, but ultimately, I am better off.  So, I embrace it all as a gift from above. Disappearing acts included.

And for the disappearing guy I have a poem:

I have more people to meet, stocks to buy,

so thank you for not wasting my time with a good bye.

“Passion creates, addiction consumes.” ― Gabor Maté

And speaking of stocks to buy, I am staging my own intervention.  I have been very busy at work, but whatever little extra time I have I find myself doing something stock related. It seems that, momentarily, I have traded men for stocks.

Dating sites were a distraction from the busyness of work and the craziness of life.  Now tracking stocks is my distraction of choice.

It has been just 2 months since I have started playing the stock market and I already feel the need to reign in my buying compulsion. I have all kinds of stocks, from big well-known ones to obscure niche ones.  From weed growers to bitcoin mining.  I am going crazy.

“This is how we bring about our own damnation, you know-by ignoring the voice that begs us to stop. To stop while there’s still time.” ― Stephen King

It is a lot like gambling and also like treasure hunting. Can I find the next stock that is going to blow up and make me an overnight millionaire?

Of course not.  I know better.  Still, I play.

My addictive personality is addicted to lure of making it big. In the same way I am addicted to the potential of meeting The One in dating sites.  I am addicted to the potential in things.

Because I am addicted to the potential, I look for the good in everything.  I give people and things extra chances. I overdo it.  I overstay.  I keep the door open.

I want to find the needle in the haystack, the diamond among the sea of cubic zirconia.

Hi, my name is Ana and I am an addict!

“Anything that inspires addiction or obsession – substances, entertainment, beauty, secrecy – is dangerous in that it can lead to isolation, self-absorption, and disconnection, to paralyzed stasis: an immobility that gathers like a force.” ― Greg Carlisle

Say What?

30 Monday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Our hearts are not stones. A stone may disintegrate in time and lose its outward form. But hearts never disintegrate. They have no outward form, and whether good or evil, we can always communicate them to one another.” ― Haruki Murakami

and then there were none…

Date update: The Renter is history. After saying he would never go silent again, he did.  I let it go. I know that if I said hello he would start chatting again, but what is the point?  He is clearly not interested and by now neither am I.

The Swiss is also making it clear that he is not interested.  He will respond if I reach out but he is never the one to make contact anymore.  I lost interest in even trying to cultivate a friendship. 

“A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.” ― Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

That brings me to The Enigma. After showering me with poems, songs, and tons of promises of an amazing fairytale, I noticed some distance in the communication.  I reached out a couple of times, but then decided to let it go and see what would happen. 

 After 2 days of silence I got the below text. After some reflection I replied 1 hour later.

“I am larger, better than I thought; I did not know I held so much goodness.
All seems beautiful to me.
Whoever denies me, it shall not trouble me;
Whoever accepts me, he or she shall be blessed, and shall bless me.”
― Walt Whitman

What am I supposed to respond? Of course I wanted details.  I also wanted to help him.  But at this point it seems the Universe if giving me an out so I better take it and don’t question it.

I guess by now, after years of online dating, nothing should surprise me anymore, but people always do.  His text was baffling.  I knew he was dealing with a painful leg injury.  He was shot in an attempted robbery last year.  But apparently there is much more than that. What happened to all the promises of a beautiful relationship?

Some of what he had told me was hard for me to belief because it was so foreign to my simple 9 to 5 work life.  It seemed the stuff that war and spy movies are made of. At one point I mentioned to him that his stories seemed fake, and if they were true that I didn’t know if I could handle it.  Every time we spoke I bombarded him with questions.  I wanted to understand what was in store if we embarked in a future together.  Perhaps he got tired of the interrogation even though he said he was an open book and seemed to welcome all my questions.

“You know there’s no such thing as a complete lie. There’s always some truth in there.” ― David Levithan

He said that he had been in some war conflicts, even getting shot and saving someone’s life by carrying them to safety.  He mentioned being part of a Ranger Regiment.  He said that he was currently involved in strategy with a mercenary company in Russia.  He is partners in dozens of businesses in the US and a couple overseas.  There was a lot he mentioned but I rather keep things somewhat vague here, so I am leaving off the actual names of the companies and certain specific details.  

He had also been a teacher, ran free medical clinics, volunteered at pet shelters, paid for college for a few students, paid for prison commissary for others, among other various things.  He seemed to have lived so many lives.  It was hard not be in awe.

He never seemed annoyed and always seemed willing to try to explain his world to me.  He wanted to assure me that I had no reason to fear him.  He sent me links to news writings and YouTube videos about the military companies in Russia he was currently involved in and the Ranger Regiments he had been in.  

Some of the information he sent me did demystify some aspects of it while others made me even more concerned. 

“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” ― Fyodor Dostoevsky

He said he was planning to go back to school next year and complete another degree. He said he wanted to leave the past behind and that made me happy.

I still think that he was a nice person with a good heart.  I never met anyone so caring and that acted so gentlemanly towards me.  I will miss the smart conversations and the infinite possibilities that being with him held.  I never met anyone so knowledgeable about everything, specially history, art and literature.

I spent some time trying to understand the meaning of his text but some things I will never understand,  He could have called me.  I would not have talked him out of anything.  We talked about being friends no matter what.  It is disappointing that it ends with a text.  I guess he will forever be The Enigma. I will never know if the things that he has told me were true or perhaps just an exaggeration. 

I owe him and the Universe a huge thanks for making the situation clear cut for me.  I no longer have to decide if I can or cannot handle his past and whatever issues he has. I chose kindness with my reply and I believe in my heart that he chose kindness with his text.

I will miss feeling like a muse and princess.  And the search for my prince continues…

“I am constantly trying to communicate something incommunicable, to explain something inexplicable, to tell about something I only feel in my bones and which can only be experienced in those bones. Basically it is nothing other than this fear we have so often talked about, but fear spread to everything, fear of the greatest as of the smallest, fear, paralyzing fear of pronouncing a word, although this fear may not only be fear but also a longing for something greater than all that is fearful.” ― Franz Kafka

 

 

Memory Lane is Full of Pot Holes

02 Monday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Sometimes an earthquake or a volcano shake the world, sometimes a virus, sometimes a huge typhoon, sometimes a tsunami! All of them have a common message: Awake to the Truth! And what is the truth? The truth is that Earth and the universe are not a region of order, but a region of chaos and survival!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan

Have you voted yet? Please vote! I am not going to attempt to tell you who to vote for. This is not that post. Right now I don’t have the energy or mental fortitude for that kind of post.

I will be voting tomorrow. I wanted to do the earlier voting but got turned off by the long lines. I figure that by tomorrow there should be no lines since there will be more voting stations and a lot people already voted. Fingers crossed, but line or no line I am voting!

Whatever way it goes I pray for peace, for order, for kindness in people’s hearts. Let’s all remember that we are all brothers and sisters and Earth is our Mother! Let’s protect each other and our mother!

“Deep in the human unconscious is a pervasive need for a logical universe that makes sense. But the real universe is always one step beyond logic.” ― Frank Herbert

Besides going to the mosaic studio, getting a massage and going out to a Japanese restaurant with a friend, I spent most of my weekend going through old photo albums. I bought two set of pictures frames that each hold 6 pictures and set out to find the pictures of my family I loved most.

Organizing anything, gives me a feeling and sense of order. With this looming election and its potential troubled aftermath, I was needing to feel that.

“The sacred formula of positivism: love as a principle, the order as a foundation, and progress as a goal.” ― Auguste Comte

It was a trip to the past. There were 2 men that figured the most in those pictures and consequently in my life.

One is my first boyfriend. I was with him for 20 years. He is more like an annoying relative now. How did I manage to stay with a person that is so completely different from me for 20 years is beyond logic? I cannot seem to have a 5-minute conversation with him nowadays without wanting to scream.

The other man is the one that caused me to start this blog and often referred herein as Ex. We were together for only 3 years, but his impact and the pain he caused me was beyond any pain I ever felt in my life.

I thought I had gotten rid of all traces of him but there remained some beautiful photobooks that I guess I didn’t want to part with before, or perhaps I had forgotten about. I don’t want to part with the visits to temples in Thailand, skiing the snowy mountains of Mont Tremblant, and paragliding in Brazil, among other pictures that brought me so much joy.

What do I do? Do I really want to remember those? Do I need the visual to remember the place and those moments in time?

Some of the albums were easy to remove the pictures, but the photobooks is another story. I have to throw out the entire book.

In my dating profile I may add: Looking for someone willing to do over some of my history.

“Thus there is in the life of a collector a dialectical tensions between the poles of disorder and order.”― Walter Benjamin

By last night I had amassed over 100 pictures to give to the first boyfriend. I figure he will be happy to have some of them back. Plus, he is alone in most of them. In the others he is with my family, which he is still close to.

Now, with Ex, is another story. He and I are not on speaking terms, so trash it is. It is fitting because that is what he did to our, once beautiful, relationship. Gosh, that sounded bitter. I am not bitter. I am not sad. I am indifferent and wishing him well…but far from me, my mind and my peace.

Do you keep old mementos of past relationships? I believe in keeping nothing. Old chapter, turn the page, move on! I don’t want to leave anything to remind me of a person that has no more room in my life.

I am always in awe when I see people that have letters, cards, pictures from many years ago, not only of lovers, but from anyone. I am not one of those people. I keep hardly anything. I feel heavy, even beautiful cards from friends I end up parting with.

In the end a lot of the pictures and most of the photobooks are gone.

Not only I achieved some physical order, I gained some psychological order. It feels cleansing to let go yet again. Ex had been in my mind lately. This is the first year I remembered his birthday in a long time. So it was fitting that I got to clear him out again. Now he is gone, gone, gone!

“I discovered that my obsession for having each thing in the right place, each subject at the right time, each word in the right style, was not the well-deserved reward of an ordered mind, but just the opposite: a complete system of pretense invented by me to hide the disorder of my nature.” ― Gabriel García Márquez

And on a last note, OMG, on some pictures my body is just amazing. Well, there were some that were not that great, but I am ignoring those. I had a great body and I thought I was fat, lets not repeat that mistake.  Let’s love our bodies right here and right now, and always aim to get healthier and healthier. 

I took some pictures out to put all over the apartment as inspiration to go back to that body. I can do it. I am not that far from it.  I refuse to think that I cannot have a 34-year-old body at 54.

Anything and anyone can try to limit me, but I will never limit myself. My mind doesn’t believe in limits, and cannots and impossible. I can achieve whatever I desire if I work hard enough for those.

“The only limits in our life are those we impose on ourselves.” – Bob Proctor”

Choosing to accept. Don’t ask, don’t tell!

26 Monday Oct 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Sometimes people let the same problem make them miserable for years when they could just say, So what. That’s one of my favorite things to say. So what.” ― Andy Warhol

I know some of will not understand why but I am still talking to A.-The Renter.  After a couple of days of silence, on Thursday he texted me and asked me if he could call me.  I said ok.

After some chitchat he apologized for the lack of communication.  He didn’t really give me a good excuse for that.  I didn’t really ask for one. I don’t think he has one.  He mentioned being busy with work and getting his house in California ready to be rented out.

At this point I already have it resolved in my heart and mind that he is not for me as a romantic partner. I don’t need to know what happened, the whys of the silence.  Knowing will not change anything.

“Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of ‘not knowing.”― Mark Z. Danielewski

I am of the opinion that if a man wants a woman he will go after her.  There will be no game, there will be no “I am too busy”, etc.  So, him not contacting me for days and ignoring my text just answered that question in my heart.  No need to draw me a picture.

He mentioned the vacation to Cabo, and has been mentioning it daily ever since.  He said I should go to Cali first, stay at a hotel, meet him and if I felt safe and liked him then we would go to Cabo together from there.  He tried to sweeten the pot by adding that he would pay for all the flights and every expense. I would not have to spend a dime.  

I am not tempted at all. It is so easy for me when I make a decision. 

“A very little key will open a very heavy door.”― Charles Dickens

I said it is a bit too late now and he has only himself to blame. He agreed with me and has apologized constantly.

If I don’t want him as a boyfriend anymore, why then am I still communicating with him?

2 words:  Acceptance and belief!

I never give up on people that I genuinely like.  I know it can be a flaw.  I still think he is a nice person and a potential good friend.  I believe in the goodness of people and from the past few months of talking to him I think he is a good person.

I keep doors open. I give second and third chances.  I believe that people are good deep down inside. I am not going off to anywhere to meet him.  If he ever comes to NY I will meet him, but at this point I want only friendship.

If he writes, I will respond.  If I feel like saying something I will write.  If he responds, fine. If he doesn’t that is fine too! That is how I am with my male friends, and that works! That simple! 

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” ― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

In 2015, I had a few dates with someone that disappeared out of the blue. Then he got in touch again and asked me to dinner.  I went, probably thinking romance, but since then we have developed this great platonic friendship.  He has become one of my closest friends. I am so glad I decided to ignore his disappearance.  To this day I don’t know what happened, and I don’t care. 

What I know for sure is, if someone is interested in me romantically he will not disappear or play games.  If he does, and comes back, more often than not I am willing to listen and be friends.

Below is the text he sent after we spoke on the phone.

“A weed is but an unloved flower.”― Ella Wheeler Wilcox

And since then he is in touch every day, many times a day, sharing more of his life.  I didn’t even know he had a dog.  He does have the cutest dog, and still cries about another one that passed not too long ago.

I am willing to be a friend, and will always err on the side of kindness and redemption.  If people take advantage of that, it is on them, not on me. I try, I I accept, I love, I move on, I am happy.

“The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” ― Maya Angelou

What about Dating? Am I too busy, too lazy , too distracted or just not interested?

20 Wednesday May 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Many things interested her and nothing satisfied her entirely.”
― Ivan Turgenev

Do you remember my friend A, the natural doctor?  It had been a long time since we had spoken on the phone.  I met him on a dating site in 2015. We had a couple of dates and then he disappeared.  When he resurfaced we started going out again but only as friends.  We became great friends.

For awhile we had a Sunday routine of going to the gym, then the sauna, then going for a healthy meal.  Then he got busy, I got busy.  Then he got a girlfriend, and became even busier.  Our friendship just became a text every now and then, which he initiated because, to be honest, I am the worst at keeping in touch. 

“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.”― Mark Twain

The other day he reached out and we scheduled a call to catch up.  It was fun.  We spoke about everything, including as:

  • Canceled trips: He was going to Paris and Italy in April with his girlfriend.  I was going to Brazil in April.
  • Supplements and vitamins: I have been taking pretty much the same ones I listed here: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2018/08/08/vitamins-supplements-and-positive-thinking/.  He is the one that has prescribed most of those to help me with my gum issues. He mentioned that he is now also taking Blue-Green Algae and raved about it.  I need to look into that.
  • Real Estate: He is talking about buying an apartment.  He lives in the same town I do.  He has been renting but his rent has been increased so he thinks that now it is time to buy.  I am all for buying and stop paying rent.
  • Books: The list of books that I have started and have yet to finish is endless.  I realized that in going on and on about all my books I never asked him about what he is reading now.  He did mention that one of the ones that I have yet to finish is his all-time favorite book: The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer.
  • Plans for when the quarantine is over:  We both agree that we miss getting massages and going out to eat the most. 
  • and among many other topics, he asked me one question that stumped me:  What about dating?

“Is it that you don’t like people, or that you just grow tired of them and can’t for the life of you remember why you ever found them interesting?”― André Aciman, Find Me

What about dating indeed.  I haven’t thought about dating at all, since M. and I parted ways, a couple of months ago.  I was about to take a break from dating when I met him. I deleted my profiles and gave us a chance.  It didn’t work.  Any time a relationship, or just a date doesn’t end up as I wished,  I don’t despair.  I feel it brings me a step closer to the one time that it will work. I always walk away with something, some lesson.  This time was no different.

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”― Haruki Murakami

There were red flags.  I ignored them and hoped for the best. I erroneously thought I could have a relationship with a die-hard Trump fan.  I thought that as long as we didn’t discuss politics we would be okay. Wrong! Politics, specially nowadays need to be discussed, even if just to agree to disagree.  

https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2020/03/14/loves-trump-hates-immigrants-and-is-clueless-about-sex-not-my-match-the-mistakes-i-made-and-lessons-i-learned-in-this-short-lived-relationship/

When it all came to a head I knew I was ready for that break.  Then quarantine hit, and on top of that I got busy with working on getting my new office set up.

Dating took a back sit.  Still, it is only a matter of time until I get back to online dating.  I enjoy meeting new people, the flirty back and forth, the first date, and all the infinite possibilities.  Above all, I will forever look for my Mr. Right until I find him, if he doesn’t find me first.  So sooner or later I will be describing first dates again.

But for now I am just too busy, too lazy, too distracted or perhaps just not that interested.

“Be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet. Make all your friends feel there is something special in them. Look at the sunny side of everything. Think only the best, be as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give everyone a smile. Spend so much time improving yourself that you have no time left to criticize others. Be too big for worry and too noble for anger.”― Norman Vincent Peale

 

The past that is trying to be present

04 Sunday Aug 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“If it’s over, then don’t let the past screw up the rest of your life.” ― Nicholas Sparks

This is again about Ex.  To summarize he is the guy that treated me as a princess then broke my heart by cheating on me.  He refused to try to work on the relationship and asked me to move out. It hurt me so much that I thought I was actually going to die of a broken heart.

I hadn’t heard from him since I sold the car back to him a couple of years ago.  I was ready not to hear from him ever again.  Then he resurfaced in March.  I wrote about here: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2019/03/29/cruel-or-just-clueless/

When he emailed in March I just ignored.  Then a week ago he texted saying he had a new number and asking my sister and I out again.  I didn’t respond.  A couple of days later he wrote again mentioning he wanted to tell me some stories that his kids told him.

I ignored him again, but I am getting really annoyed at him writing as if he is my friend. We are not. He is page from the past and that is where I want him to stay.

Today I typed him a reply because his message was still bothering me. I never sent it. I will continue to chose silence as a response.

But is that the best response for me?

I feel there is so much I want to say to him, even though I have already said so much years ago.  I think I feel that way because he never really listened. I can say all I want as many times I want and still it will not get through.  He believes the stories he tells himself.

Most of all, all I ever wanted was for him to apologize, to take ownership for hurting me.  He apologized but not for cheating on me.  He gave me a lame “I am sorry I was not the man you needed me to be”.  I agree, I needed a man that was honest and loyal and he was neither.

Is there a reason that the past keeps coming back? Is there still anything I need to confront and come to terms with it? ? Why does he still have the power to annoy me?

Should I meet him?

“Let today be the day you finally release yourself from the imprisonment of past grudges and anger. Simplify your life. Let go of the poisonous past and live the abundantly beautiful present… today.” ― Steve Maraboli

Right before that little distraction can lead to disaster and destruction

25 Thursday Jul 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

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“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” ― Steve Maraboli

I almost didn’t write this post.  It is embarrassing. I should know better.  I know better!  And yet I make a fool of myself and all that I believe in.  I try to be a good person and, dare I say, I often succeed. But I am not proud of what I am about to tell you.

A couple of months ago I have wrote this post about eliminating the distractions from my life: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2019/05/09/eliminating-the-distractions/

I wanted to get rid of all the stuff and the people that were not contributing anything positive to my life and that were keeping me from focusing on what is really important in my life. I felt liberated and powerful when I blocked those 3 guys I mentioned on the post.

Somehow I still got a text from AL the other day.  I could have ignored it, but I replied.  The idea of him is still so enticing to me even though I haven’t seen him since he got engaged, 3 years ago.  The power of ‘what could have been” if I was not 17 years older than he is still keeps ringing in my ear.

“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.” ― Lyndon B. Johnson

We dated for over 6 months and it was some of the best times of my life. He didn’t say we stopped seeing each other because of the age difference but I know that it had a lot to do with it.  He got busy with a new business venture and we slowly drifted apart. One day I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said yes.

We still saw each other from time to time, mostly as friends.  Then he told me he got engaged and I chose to never see him again.  I also asked him to stopped texting me, but after almost a year of silence we started texting again.  Then he got married. Again I tried to stop the texting and we would go long stretches not texting, months and months, but I would always end up giving in.

“When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Then as I mentioned on that post,  I made the decision to block some people, and somehow his text arrived.  He sent a text commenting about a soccer game, I replied.  After talking about soccer we were right back to where we always go back to: the memories of the amazing times we had.  The chemistry we have seems to be bigger than us.

This time, as he had done in the past, he asked me out for a drink to catch up. This time unlike I have done so many times in the past, I said yes.  We scheduled for last Wednesday night. I was excited about seeing him again. For a brief moment I allowed myself to forget he was married.  I was lying to myself that it was just a drink with a friend. I was making all kinds of stories in my mind on why it was okay to meet him.  I was holding on to memories of a fun, free time.

“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.” ― Rick Warren

I was lying to myself and I knew it.  We would never be able to sit across from each other and just have a drink, even though we have done it in the past.  There is too much tension now, too much flirting, and too many innuendos.  The time apart created this enormous tension.

Was I ready to kiss a married man?  I knew in my heart that would be the outcome.  I was telling myself that if he is this eager perhaps he is not even married anymore.  We never talked about the wife after he got engaged.  As if not talking about her made her didn’t exist.

This drink held so much potential…potential for destruction.

He was more insistent than normal. He was more full of innuendos, texting me more, everything more.  My gut was trying to tell me something, as if knowing he was married was not something big enough to stop me on my tracks. I sensed something else.  I figured it was my conscience telling me to stop. I sensed doom.

I can’t explain what made me do it, but the day before meeting him I Googled his wife’s name.

BOOM!  There it was!  It hit me like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden saying no to him became so easy.  All of a sudden I woke up from that dreamy stupor of “what if”.  I came face to face with a Baby registry. AL and his wife are about to have a baby in 3 months.

“Men more frequently require to be reminded than informed.” ― Samuel Johnson

I shouldn’t have been shocked but I was. Here he was, trying to meet me while  he has a pregnant wife at home. I immediately asked him and he said: yes, I was saving the news to tell you when we met.

What??? Like that was some great news to me worth celebrating. Like that was really what he had in mind for this meeting.

In 1 second I lost all respect I ever had for him.  And for me!

Don’t get me wrong.  I am happy for him but so grossed out that I almost met him. So grossed out and embarrassed by all my flirting. I should have stopped all this, I don’t even know what to call this.  I should have stopped years ago.

It shouldn’t take a baby to make see all that is wrong with this.  But I do thank that baby for waking me up.

“I demolish my bridges behind me…then there is no choice but to move forward” ― Fridtjof Nansen

I think that for a little bit I just didn’t think and allowed the past memories to take over me.  Whatever excuse I use now it is just that, excuses.  I was willing to meet a married man under the guise of friendship knowing fully well that we both wanted more than just talk.

I can’t let my guard down. I have to stop leaving the door of the past open.  I have to close doors and implode bridges.  I can’t live trying to relive the past.  I have to deal with my reality, with being 53, with being single, and yearning for more.  But wait, don’t cry for me, my reality is pretty sweet. It is just a case of “greener grass”.  I have real grass and the other side AstroTurf.

I said that to him I couldn’t meet him.  And that was that.  There was no big good bye.  There was no declaration of never texting again, there was none of that, and still it was as final as ever. My final words were: “whatever you do, be careful.  You have a lot to lose!”

My lesson is: I need to be watchful of my words, intentions and actions.  Every action has a consequence that often goes beyond myself.  I am embarrassed that I continued flirting with someone that was not available.  I know better.  I know the pain of being cheated on. I know right from wrong.  The blame is all on me. Nobody had a gun to my head forcing me to reply to him.

Oh well, live, learn and try to do better next time.  Good bye past, I have a future to get to!

“It is important that we forgive ourselves for making mistakes. We need to learn from our errors and move on.” ― Steve Maraboli

It is raining men!

21 Friday Jun 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

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It is not really raining, it is more like a light sprinkle but it feels like a thunderstorm to me.

D.- I decided that if I don’t see him this coming week, I will just have to tell him in a text. The fact that I already have a decision in mind and I haven’t told him is just too much for me to carry. It feels dishonest.

I will tell him the truth without sugar-coating it.  I am too old and lack the patience to be hanging around for some time in the future when things magically fall into place.  I don’t believe in that.  Sometimes life is messy and complicated and we just have to deal with it.

I will leave the door open for a possibility of seeing each other again in the future if and when his life is sorted out and if I am still available.

Honesty is the best policy!

“A ‘no’ does not hide anything, but a ‘yes’ very easily becomes a deception.” – Soren Kierkegaard

B. – He if from Kansas. Yes you read right, he is from Kansas and still lives there. I went to Kansas last weekend to surprise a friend for her birthday.  That friend having a birthday is my Ex boyfriend’s mother, but that story is for another post.

One day a few months back while browsing a dating site I decided to check the guys in Kansas since I knew I was going to be there and I knew I was going to have some free time. B and I connected immediately and starting exchanging messages.

I met him last Friday, the day I arrived.  I met him, his 11 year old son and his dog.  Yes, I am not joking.  The kid was adorable.  We all got along well, we went for a walk with the dog, had ice cream, then took the KC Street car from Union Station to Power and Light District for dinner.  We managed to spend some time together after he dropped his son off.

Even though there was chemistry, the reality is that I am not moving to Kansas any time soon and he is not moving to NY.  Also the whole thing stunk of deja-vu.  The ex that broke my heart and was the cause of my starting this blog was also from Kansas.  The day I met Ex I also met his 11 year old son and we all went out to lunch.  Later I met his dog.  A bunch of other similarities also.

He wants me to return to Kansas and try to develop a relationship.  I think I will pass.  He has his life pretty much planned out and tied to Kansas.  Mine is not that planned, but I want to have a say in my future and not just fit in somebody’s life.  I did that in the past and don’t feel like doing it again.

Been there, done that!

“Plans are of little importance, but planning is essential.” -― Winston Churchill

J – He is brand new in my life. We managed to have 2 dates already pretty fast. It seems promising from what I can tell, but I will continue to choose caution and go slowly.  He is so respectful that I barely got a kiss on the lips on the second date.

He is sweet and kind, and I can see myself with him.  At the same time I can see myself already trying very hard to find reasons to disqualify him.  Perhaps that fear of commitment is a real thing.

We are going on a third date this weekend and I am excited about that. The next post will be all about him, so that is all I am going to say about him for now.

Finger crossed!

“It’s amazing how a little tomorrow can make up for a whole lot of yesterday.” – John Guare

What not to say on a first day

06 Thursday Jun 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.” ― E.E. Cummings

Last Thursday I decided to accept a spur of the moment invitation for coffee.  This is a person that I had just started exchanging messages with and didn’t know anything about him.  I wasn’t that interested but thought I could spare 10 minutes and see if there was any chemistry.  After all, how bad could it be?

BAD! It was really bad.  I am normally able to get something out of any date I have, except this one.  It is common for me not to have any chemistry but to like the person enough to want a friendship, but not with this one.

As soon as I sat down, and by the way he sat on the chair and I had to sit on top of the air vent.  As he studied my face he asked: Do you only wear glasses? Do you plan on getting contact lenses?   I said: no.  I was a little taken aback by this question.  He pressed on: Why not?  You never considered it?

I said: No, not really.  On my list of things to do or to change about myself, contact lenses comes in at the very last, if at all.

He seemed disappointed and proceed to tell me how an ex-girlfriend once convinced him that everyone looks better without glasses.  No matter how beautiful someone is, glasses are never a good look. So he now wear contacts. Then, sounding disappointed he added:  but you already said you have no interest.

I changed the subject by asking him about his day and his work.  He mentioned he was almost retired.  That he was tired of dealing with employees and now only took care of a few select clients.  He has some kind of electrical work company.

“Conceited people never hear anything but praise.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Instead of perhaps asking about my day and my job, he then asked me what I thought of all the men online.  Before I had a change to answer his question, he said: I have been told that most men are short and bald, so because I am tall and have all my hair I am better than 99% of the men online.

I politely reminded him that hair and height was not what I valued about people, that I was interested in the whole person, and more about the inside than the outside.  I doubt he heard me. If he did, he ignored it.

I geared the conversation towards food.  I asked him if he cooked.  He said that now he did, but for the longest time all he did was eat in fancy restaurants.  He mentioned how an ex-girlfriend turned him into a foodie and a traveler. He also mentioned that she paid for everything. But added: but I am not going into that now.

He also mentioned an ex-girlfriend that disappeared after she spent a weekend at his apartment.  He suspects that she was after his money and needed a green card and after she saw that he lived in a studio she thought that there was nothing there for her to go after.  He asked me if I agreed with that assumption since the girl in question was also Brazilian. I said: “that calls for a lot of speculation and assumption and I am not about to do that without having her side of the story”  I got a disappointed face again.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” Theodore Roosevelt

After these painful minutes I got up to leave mentioning a train I had to catch.  He got up with me and hugged me good bye.  He then asked if I was intimidated by his height.  I looked at him in surprise and asked:  Why would I?  Why would anyone?  He looked disappointed again. One would think he is 7 feet tall, but even though he said he is 6’4, I don’t believe it.  My boss is 6’4 and this guy was definitely shorter.

Needless to say I had zero interest in getting to know him better.  He emailed that night to say that he was unsure about the chemistry – as if there was any chance I would be interested in him. I, humoring him, said: sleep on it.

The next morning I wrote him and I said that there was really zero chemistry and wished him luck.  He asked me to keep his number in case I ever had any event to attend and wanted him to accompany me.  I wanted to reply that he was just too old to be a gigolo, but chose silence instead.

And another bullet was dodged 🙂

“He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.”  – ― George Bernard Shaw

Cruel or just clueless?

29 Friday Mar 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

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“I have lived on the lip
of insanity, wanting to know reasons,
knocking on a door. It opens.
I’ve been knocking from the inside.” – Rumi

If you have been reading this blog from the beginning, you know that I started it 7 years ago due to a broken heart that was making me go insane.  This blog allowed me to get all the pain out without hurting others or myself.

All my readers/friends have been instrumental in getting me to where I am today: happy, free, ready to love again.  It took me years to be totally over the the person that broke my heart.  He is mostly a name from the past, a chapter in the book of my life that I don’t care to re-read.

Today, I get this email, that he made sure to send to both my professional and personal emails.

“Subject: Happy Birthday to my favorite twins in the whole wide world

I’m pretty sure that I remember you have a birthday at the end of March although I don’t know the number I remember that it’s a little bit before Nancy’s (one of his sisters) birthday please give each other a hug and a kiss from me and all the best wishes and love to you and your entire family

If you allow it I’d love to take you both out for lunch or dinner in New Rochelle or the city or White Plains anything that would work for either of you I would like to try to work out

Love”

I was annoyed at receiving that.  How dare he make this attempt to make it seem that we can have a regular friendly relationship?

I don’t hold any grudges over anyone or anything.  I normally always keep the door open for people to come and go as they please.  If anything I give too many second chances.  I am friends with guys I dated, and I am always willing to let everyone back in.  I believe in second chances and redemption.

But with him it is different.  I believed with all my heart he was the One.

The pain was too intense.  The betrayal was too raw.  The disrespect was uncalled for in every way.  There was the game playing and manipulation.  Knowing I was in pain he made it seem there was a chance to reconcile.  I am ashamed to say that there was a point back there when I was willing to overlook everything to just be with him.  I thank the heavens that in the end he never wanted to work things out.

And then there was the fact that he never acknowledged the cheating and never said sorry.

I forgive, I forgave, and I forget… for the most part, until he decides to rear his ugly head.

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”  ― Rumi