Tag Archives: ghost from the past

What was he thinking?

17 Monday Jan 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Long before morning I knew that what I was seeking to discover was a thing I’d always known. That all courage was a form of constancy. That it is always himself that the coward abandoned first. After this all other betrayals come easily.” ― Cormac McCarthy, All the Pretty Horses

On March 1, 2022 my blog will turn 10 years old.  My blog started thanks to a boyfriend that broke my heart.

The pain and betrayal was so great that I thought I would die of a broken heart.  One day I think I am living a fairy tale, the next I find out he was cheating.  He never acknowledged or apologized.  He just, very coldly said: ” I am very busy with all my businesses, it is best you move out”.

Move out I did.  He hinted at one day getting back together.  I wanted to buy into that, but eventually I wised up and understood the manipulation.

This whole time he has had a girlfriend living with him, and he will still try to reach out.

Last time I saw him was in 2017 when I sold him back the car that he had given me.  Here, I describe that day:

Facing the one that broke my heart

Since then he reaches out to wish my sister and I a happy birthday or a Merry Christmas.  I never reply.  He doesn’t take the hint. Narcissists and manipulators never do, even if you spell it out for them.  One time I replied to him: ” Pretend I am dead”.

This Christmas he texted.  I ignored.

Then on New Years, I received the text below. I blocked my sister’s name on it.

It makes no sense.  The text would suggest that we have been speaking and that we have a conversation going.

That is him.  He creates his own reality.  He believes his own stories.  Of course I didn’t reply and will not.

I cannot begin to imagine what goes on on his mind, other than the fact that this is what a true manipulator, narcissistic person does.  They ignore reality.  They believe their own lies and create alternate realities.

I keep in contact with his mother, so I am assuming she told him that I was sick with covid and he thought using a sauna would be good.

I never talk to his mother about him. If she ever mentions anything about him, I just change the subject.

I just wanted to share this craziness here and file this under “What Was He thinking?”

The answer is: Who knows? Who cares?  

“MAKING THE LIE MAKE SENSE:

When denial (his or ours) can no longer hold and we finally have to admit to ourselves that we’ve been lied to, we search frantically for ways to keep it from disrupting our lives. So we rationalize. We find “good reasons” to justify his lying, just as he almost always accompanies his confessions with “good reasons” for his lies. He tells us he only lied because…. We tell ourselves he only lied because…. We make excuses for him: The lying wasn’t significant/Everybody lies/He’s only human/I have no right to judge him.

Allowing the lies to register in our consciousness means having to make room for any number of frightening possibilities:

• He’s not the man I thought he was.
• The relationship has spun out of control and I don’t know
what to do
• The relationship may be over.

Most women will do almost anything to avoid having to face these truths. Even if we yell and scream at him when we discover that he’s lied to us, once the dust settles, most of us will opt for the comforting territory of rationalization. In fact, many of us are willing to rewire our senses, short-circuit our instincts and intelligence, and accept the seductive comfort of self-delusion.”
― Susan Forward, When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal

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Meant to be or not meant to be? That is the question!

11 Saturday Jul 2020

Posted by in Daily Life

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“The past is never dead. It’s not even past.” ― William Faulkner

Last night I went on a date with someone I dated 15 years ago!  yes, 15!!

I was exchanging messages with a man on Match.  When he gave me his number and I Googled it was linked to an address.  The moment I saw the building where he lives it all clicked. I had been there! I think he cooked me dinner once.  I was shocked that I had forgotten his face, and everything else about him.

He was a personal trainer at a gym that I worked out at 15 years ago.  He was friends with my trainer and that is how we met and started hanging out together.  I vaguely remember going to his apartment and also going to dinner with him as part of a group.

“Just as a snake sheds its skin, we must shed our past over and over again.”
― Gautama Buddha

When I realized that we knew each other, I immediately messaged him and told him. The moment I mentioned NY Sports Club it all came back to him.  I called my old trainer to see if they had kept in touch.  They had not, so I got them reconnected again.

He mentioned that he liked me and wanted to keep seeing me and get serious but I didn’t want to.  So eventually he let it go.  I have been trying to remember why I didn’t want to continue seeing him.   I know I must have had a good reason but who knows.

At that point I was fresh out of a 20 year relationship with my first boyfriend, so I probably didn’t want a relationship with anybody for no specific reason.

“We leave something of ourselves behind when we leave a place, we stay there, even though we go away. And there are things in us that we can find again only by going back there.”― Pascal Mercier

But later on a memory came to me of going to a bar in his town, White Plains.  We each had a drink and when the bill came we each paid separably.   I remember not feeling good about the situation, driving to meet him in another town and then having to pay for my own drink.   

I actually said that to him last night.  He swears it was not him. I don’t know if it was him for sure.  It could easily have been somebody else.  That is also not the end of the world.

I also probably offered to pay for my own drink at that time.  There was a time that I always offered then would be upset if they guy accepted.   I no longer offer.  That is too much like entrapment and game playing.  I am happy to see that I grew out of that.

“When it comes to the past, everyone writes fiction.”― Stephen King

At any rate, we had a nice dinner at the Mexican Restaurant near my home. For anyone curious about it.  New Rochelle entered phase IV of the reopening.  We can actually eat indoors at a restaurant but only at 50% capacity.  Last night there were only 2 tables occupied the entire evening.  I think it was because it was raining like cats and dogs, but it could have been because people are being cautious, as they should, and as I try but I still wanting to go out and do life as best and safe as I can.

It was fun catching up and remembering one of the best times in my life.  I was in shape, free, life seem at my disposal.  Wait, still is!! I am so blessed to realize that.

“You must learn some of my philosophy. Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure.”― Jane Austen

He is 48 years old, handsome, in shape of course, being that he is a personal trainer, hard worker,  all around a good guy it seems.  He must have said at least 20 times how beautiful I am.  I am not joking. Among many other compliments.

Is there such a thing as too many compliments?  I am ambivalent about that.

He wants to get back to where we left off.  It would be a nice story of reconnecting after so many years, but I am thinking too much too soon.  Something is giving me pause and I am listening to that something.

Perhaps what is giving me pause is the fact that I had struggled with living in the past and revisiting some not so healthy relationship, and I am now feeling triumphant about not being in touch with those guys that kept dragging me back. I talked about them here: https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2019/05/09/eliminating-the-distractions/

I am all about making new mistakes. But am I overthinking this?  Here is a perfectly good guy and I want to run away.

What changed?  He? me? the situation?

“The past can’t hurt you anymore, not unless you let it.”― Alan Moore

He wanted to go out to dinner tonight again, or tomorrow, or the day after, whenever I can.  I always feel overwhelmed when someone likes me too much.  I kept telling him last night: Patience is a virtue!

He said that he had messaged me on Match in the past but I had ignored him.  I don’t remember that.  I try to be polite and reply to everyone even to just say no. There is the fact that I normally stay away from personal trainers thinking that they only want models as girlfriends. 

So I will see him again but not sure I want to embark in a relationship. And if I am not sure then the answer should be no. 

“He was still too young to know that the heart’s memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and that thanks to this artifice we manage to endure the burden of the past.”― Gabriel García Márquez

 

The past is where it belongs: in the past!

13 Wednesday Dec 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me, Food

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Yesterday as I was getting a book from my bookshelf the above calendar page fell on the floor.

At that moment the past came flooding back.  AL, the young Irish guy, that has been mentioned on several of my posts, gave me that calendar book at the end of 2013.

I realized that it will be 1 year in January since we exchanged out last text.  I am extremely surprised that he has complied with my request of not contacting me.  I am happy he did.  The pull he had on me was very strong, I am glad I don’t have to be tempted to reply.

As I think of him I send (mentally) him good wishes.  I hope he is happy.  Truly I do! He deserves it, even though I do I wish he had behaved differently towards the end.

He came into my life at a time I needed most.  I was still grieving over the break up of the relationship that tore my heart to shreds.  He was that breath of fresh air that made me feel alive again.  He was a dear friend.  He was an enthusiastic lover.  Of course I knew it wouldn’t last, but I lied to myself, as we women often do. It was amazing while it lasted.

I remembered he said that meeting me was fairy-tale.  I wouldn’t go that far, but  a man saying stuff like that is just irresistible.  Well, because I like him I thought it was charming, if I didn’t like him I would have probably thought it was cheesy.  It is all in the context of how the heart feels.

Is this calendar a sign from the Universe?  If so, what is it trying to tell me?

“Believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.”  – Rainer Maria Rilke

I am going on a second date tonight with the very young accountant, who happens to be the same age AL is, 34.  I don’t need to be a rocket scientist to know that this has the potential to hurt me.  It can also be a lot fun.

Is the Universe telling me to go or not to go?

I am going Universe! I am not ignoring you.  I just don’t know what you are trying to say.  Tonight it will be a  fun date of dinner and cookies.  Tonight I will put the age difference on the back burner.

Thinking of AL reminded me that I am being successful at my resolve of not checking his, and other’s, social media.  It has been over 1 month since I have made the decision to stop checking social media.   https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2017/10/20/determined-and-no-longer-feeling-lost/

It was not an obsession but it was becoming one.  It was a routine that was not productive.  It was an addiction that was interfering with my life.

I am so proud that I am sticking to it.  I have been more productive ever since.  I have been posting here more.  The best part is that now I have more time to check blogs of old friends and I am discovering tons of new ones.

I still look at social media if it is related to some news I have read, but it stops there. I no longer look at the people that are part of my past, they are not part of my future.  I don’t look at certain celebrities as whatever they are eating or what vacations they are taking make no difference in my life.  I no longer have the list of 20 sites that I would religiously look at every day, often multiple times a day.  This harmless curiosity can actually be harmful if it is affecting one’s life.  It was affecting mine.

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”  – Albert Camus

I am curious about AL’s life.  I miss his face and his texts.  I miss his humor.  I miss his flirting.  I don’t miss ending up feeling unimportant and undervalued.  I don’t miss feeling I am doing something I shouldn’t be doing.  All this missing is becoming less and less. Soon it will be just a bleep, just a page in the book of my life, too insignificant to be a chapter.

Thank you AL for not contacting me.   Your silence is all the friendship I need from you at this point. I treasure what we had (or what I thought we had).

Today someone asked me if I only like younger men.  I answered:  Not necessarily, they like me!

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” – Lao Tzu