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“The past is never dead. It’s not even past.” ― William Faulkner

Last night I went on a date with someone I dated 15 years ago!  yes, 15!!

I was exchanging messages with a man on Match.  When he gave me his number and I Googled it was linked to an address.  The moment I saw the building where he lives it all clicked. I had been there! I think he cooked me dinner once.  I was shocked that I had forgotten his face, and everything else about him.

He was a personal trainer at a gym that I worked out at 15 years ago.  He was friends with my trainer and that is how we met and started hanging out together.  I vaguely remember going to his apartment and also going to dinner with him as part of a group.

“Just as a snake sheds its skin, we must shed our past over and over again.”
― Gautama Buddha

When I realized that we knew each other, I immediately messaged him and told him. The moment I mentioned NY Sports Club it all came back to him.  I called my old trainer to see if they had kept in touch.  They had not, so I got them reconnected again.

He mentioned that he liked me and wanted to keep seeing me and get serious but I didn’t want to.  So eventually he let it go.  I have been trying to remember why I didn’t want to continue seeing him.   I know I must have had a good reason but who knows.

At that point I was fresh out of a 20 year relationship with my first boyfriend, so I probably didn’t want a relationship with anybody for no specific reason.

“We leave something of ourselves behind when we leave a place, we stay there, even though we go away. And there are things in us that we can find again only by going back there.”― Pascal Mercier

But later on a memory came to me of going to a bar in his town, White Plains.  We each had a drink and when the bill came we each paid separably.   I remember not feeling good about the situation, driving to meet him in another town and then having to pay for my own drink.   

I actually said that to him last night.  He swears it was not him. I don’t know if it was him for sure.  It could easily have been somebody else.  That is also not the end of the world.

I also probably offered to pay for my own drink at that time.  There was a time that I always offered then would be upset if they guy accepted.   I no longer offer.  That is too much like entrapment and game playing.  I am happy to see that I grew out of that.

“When it comes to the past, everyone writes fiction.”― Stephen King

At any rate, we had a nice dinner at the Mexican Restaurant near my home. For anyone curious about it.  New Rochelle entered phase IV of the reopening.  We can actually eat indoors at a restaurant but only at 50% capacity.  Last night there were only 2 tables occupied the entire evening.  I think it was because it was raining like cats and dogs, but it could have been because people are being cautious, as they should, and as I try but I still wanting to go out and do life as best and safe as I can.

It was fun catching up and remembering one of the best times in my life.  I was in shape, free, life seem at my disposal.  Wait, still is!! I am so blessed to realize that.

“You must learn some of my philosophy. Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure.”― Jane Austen

He is 48 years old, handsome, in shape of course, being that he is a personal trainer, hard worker,  all around a good guy it seems.  He must have said at least 20 times how beautiful I am.  I am not joking. Among many other compliments.

Is there such a thing as too many compliments?  I am ambivalent about that.

He wants to get back to where we left off.  It would be a nice story of reconnecting after so many years, but I am thinking too much too soon.  Something is giving me pause and I am listening to that something.

Perhaps what is giving me pause is the fact that I had struggled with living in the past and revisiting some not so healthy relationship, and I am now feeling triumphant about not being in touch with those guys that kept dragging me back. I talked about them here: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2019/05/09/eliminating-the-distractions/

I am all about making new mistakes. But am I overthinking this?  Here is a perfectly good guy and I want to run away.

What changed?  He? me? the situation?

“The past can’t hurt you anymore, not unless you let it.”― Alan Moore

He wanted to go out to dinner tonight again, or tomorrow, or the day after, whenever I can.  I always feel overwhelmed when someone likes me too much.  I kept telling him last night: Patience is a virtue!

He said that he had messaged me on Match in the past but I had ignored him.  I don’t remember that.  I try to be polite and reply to everyone even to just say no. There is the fact that I normally stay away from personal trainers thinking that they only want models as girlfriends. 

So I will see him again but not sure I want to embark in a relationship. And if I am not sure then the answer should be no. 

“He was still too young to know that the heart’s memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and that thanks to this artifice we manage to endure the burden of the past.”― Gabriel García Márquez