Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

Being blessed with seeing another year – 57 and it feels so good!

28 Tuesday Mar 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“I grabbed a pile of dust, and holding it up, foolishly asked for as many birthdays as the grains of dust, I forgot to ask that they be years of youth. ” ― Ovid, Metamorphoses

Thank you all for your birthday wishes.  I don’t feel 57 at all.  Well, don’t ask my body.  Sometimes it feels like 107.  My mind keeps getting younger and younger.  

I knew my trip to Florida would be good and I was correct.  I have a lot to write about about Utah, and now about Florida, but will keep this short and write additional posts in the future.

M was the most gracious and caring host to my sister and I.  I asked him not to buy anything special as we would be there for only 2 days.  He didn’t listen.  He had all kinds of foods that he thought we would like. He had paid attention when he was at my home, and made sure to have some of the same things waiting for us.

There were various types of coffees, bagels and popcorn for my sister. For me it was cappuccino mix, oat milk, scones, macarons and Pellegrino water.  He also got prosecco, St. Germain, lemon and lime to make my sister’s favorite drink.

He also gave my sister and I a cute mug (the one above), along with a birthday card and an Amazon gift card.  I love that he gave my sister and I the same amount $100.00.  He has been gifting me things since I met him.  In Utah he gave me an electric hairbrush when I pointed  one out in a store and commented that mine was getting old.  This weekend we were talking about electric toothbrushes and he had one delivered to my house. 

“I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don’t have to respect anybody.” ― George Burns

I am now very careful when talking about things. I don’t want him thinking I am hinting at him buying me stuff.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy him wanting to make me happy by getting me stuff, but it is not necessary.

On Friday night, he picked us up at Orlando Airport.  It was already late when we got to his house so we just had a drink and some cheese and crackers.  

He lives in a condo, townhouse style, in a golfing community in New Smyrna Beach.  He doesn’t golf.  He prefers surfing.

Saturday morning we enjoyed a breakfast of bagels and croissants.  We declined eggs.  After, we went to the beach.  It is a cool beach where one can drive the car on the beach.  That was a whole new experience to me. Supposedly there are sharks in these waters.  But apparently these are good sharks.  Is there such a thing?

I really wanted to feel the sun, so I used sunscreen on my face only. I think that my Brazilian skin never burns.  Wrong!  Burned cleavage anyone?  It turned out that it was one of the hottest days ever there.  Lesson learned. Always use sunscreen all over.

“I see birthdays as a reward for having shown up 365 in a row. It’s like getting a badge for attendance.” ― Gina Barreca

After the beach we stopped at a local favorite Joe’s Subs where we had fish sandwiches and burgers.  Then we went home to get ready for dinner.  We could have skipped lunch or dinner, but on vacation my sister and I forget all reason.

We had dinner at Norwood Restaurant and Treehouse Bar.  The food was great, but the drinks were awful. We ordered too much food.  That night my sister and I come to an agreement: no more ordering of appetizers when out to dinner. 

We got home and watched The Whale.  I fell sleep towards the end.  I woke up with M and my sister wanting their money back. It was great acting by Brendan Fraser, but we didn’t really like the movie.  Expectations, I guess we had too many.

“We do have funerals for the living,” Jill said. “They’re called birthday parties.” ― Andrew Shaffer, Hope Never Dies

On Sunday we had a late start and skipped the beach.  We drove his golf cart around the complex to get a tour.  Then we went to a small spiritual community called Cassadaga.  It has many psychics, healers and mediums. 

M knew I am interested in such things and wanted my sister and I to get a reading. It was interesting.  I will be talking about the reading in a future post.

After the reading, I chose Olive Garden for lunch.  I have never eaten there before.  We were passing by it, and I remember a friend mentioning that he loves their tiramisu.  It seemed like the perfect time to try it.

First thing we do at the restaurant?  Order appetizers!! We were pleasantly surprised with the food and drinks we got.  Everything was great.  And the tiramisu was indeed delicious.

We got back to his house, packed and got ready to go to the airport.  Our flight was delayed.  There were long lines. I try not to let those things bother me.  But my sister got a little stressed, worrying about getting home very late and having to get up early the next day.

As I am at the gate, I realized I didn’t have my carry-on. After being sent to different locations, I went back to the TSA screening and saw it on a table.  I had to wait for an officer to inspect and then was free to go.  In 40 years traveling it has never happened.  I told my sister it was her fault, she got me so frazzled and made me forget.  She smiled sheepishly, because she knows it is true.

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” ― Dr. Seuss, Happy Birthday to You!

We boarded, it was a quick flight, just a little over 2 hours.  Kristin Chenoweth was on my flight with her dog and her fiance.  She is a tiny little thing.  She was escorted to the plane first.  Everyone left her alone.  I am not sure a lot people recognized her.

My sister and I will be having a quiet birthday evening.  I will be getting her her favorite Black Forest cake, and also the Nutella cake from Martine’s Bakery.  I am thinking of getting Walter’s Hot Dogs for dinner.  

When my sister and I were discussing what to have for a special dinner, we realized, once again, how blessed we are.  We want for nothing.  

Tomorrow I am having dinner with my friend A.  Then Thursday dinner with my sister and another friend.

On Friday, guess who is boarding a flight to Florida again?

Life keeps getting better and better.  So infinitely blessed and thankful!

“A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.” ― Robert Frost

ps. Happy Birthday Lady Gaga!

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Where fear and happiness meet

24 Friday Mar 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

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“Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolution.” ― Kahlil Gibran

Time is short, so here is a quick summary of my quick trip to Park City, Utah.

I had the most awesome time. M is the most thoughtful and caring guy I ever met. He was always making sure that everything was exactly how I wanted. I had to keep reminding him that it is not all about me. oh wait, it should be all about me 😉

And the mountains are just majestic!  A mixture of beauty, freedom and happiness permeates the air. And yes, a bit of fear and panic I get some times.

I arrived in Salt Lake City on Saturday, we spent the night there and drove to Park City the next day. No skiing on Sunday, just getting our equipment, getting to know the town, and getting to our charming 1-bedroom condo with a balcony and fireplace.
I had been to Park City in 2015, it was fun to remember some areas.

We skied only 2 days, Monday and Tuesday. On Monday I did okay. I still struggle with fear. The moment I pick up speed or it is a steeper hill I lose confidence. Still, I love it! I love the challenge; I love the freedom.

On Tuesday, while in line to get our skis M befriended an older man that is a ski instructor in a resort in Virginia. He offered to give me a few pointers. He spent the whole day teaching me. It is incredible to see how much I improved from one day to the next. I take lessons every time I go skiing, but this time I didn’t book any. This man was so helpful. His instructions really boosted my confidence.

We bought him lunch, and at the end of the day we gave him $100 as an appreciation.  We asked if we could buy him dinner.  He said it was not necessary, but accepted.

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.” ― Marcus Tullius Cicero

I had memorable meals, and forgettable meals. The memorable ones were at:
• Aqua Terra Steak Sushi in Salt Lake. The best ever! Everything about this restaurant was awesome. He had sushi, and salmon. I had the black cod. To drink I had the Golden Goose and he had the Garden Party. Best drinks ever! We shared a chocolate tart for dessert.
• 710 Bodega in Park City. We had a bunch of tapas, including patatas bravas, almondigas for me, shrimp for him, and others. To drink he had beer, I had the Laverstoke- I asked for vodka instead of gin. The waiter said no one ever asked for that before, but it was so delicious. For dessert we shared the Broken Pavlova -Yummy!
• Baan Thai Cuisine in Park City. We had noodles, spring rolls, sticky rice, and chicken satay (not my favorite, but still good). Lychee martini for me, beer for him. Great meal!

I bought my ticket to Salt Lake City, and he paid for everything else, lodging, lift tickets, meals, etc as my birthday present. The big 57 is on Tuesday. He even wanted to pay for the souvenirs I bought for my family. I didn’t let him do it, though. I felt it would be taking advantage of his kindness.

On Wednesday morning we left Park City and drove to Salt Lake City Airport. My flight was leaving first, his would take another 5 hours. He made a point of making sure to be there when I arrived and also when I left, even if it meant staying at the airport several more hours.

“Pursue what catches your heart, not what catches your eyes.” ― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

I got home Wednesday at 9:30pm. I worked Thursday, and part of today. At 5pm my sister and I are flying to his house in New Smyrna Beach, Florida for the weekend.

It is a quick trip, just as a trial to see how would this long distance relationship work.  He will be showing us around and also talking us to dinner for our birthdays (sis and I). He had offered to fly to NY to take us out to dinner on Tuesday, but I decided to go there this weekend instead.  

I remain very happy and excited about this blossoming relationship. I am afraid to talk too much about and jinx it.  I will be mentioning some additional details about Park City as time permits.

Stay tuned for the Florida report.

“It’s amazing how a little tomorrow can make up for a whole lot of yesterday.” ― John Guare

Weekend date: Part II – Saturday

01 Wednesday Mar 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.” ― Jerry Seinfeld

Here is the rest of my weekend date with M – I need to think of a nickname for him.

On Saturday morning I went to the mosaic studio.  I had missed the prior Saturday because my date from Boston was here. I didn’t want to miss it again.

The plan was for me to decide on something fun for us to do afterwards. He had made some suggestions, but I was undecided.

When I left the studio at around 12:30 I called him and said I would stop by the hotel and pick him up.  He said not to worry that he would drive over.  I assured him that the hotel was on my way home. That way he didn’t need to deal with parking.

“Let’s face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you’ll end up naked at the end of it. ”― Jerry Seinfeld

My sister joined us for a late breakfast (or early lunch) of Brazilian cheese bread, bagels, papaya, yogurt, pound cakes (marble and chocolate), etc, peppered with a lot laughs. His sense of humor matched my sister’s and I. We played Wordle, quoted Seinfeld, taught him a few words in Portuguese, etc.

After the meal, we went to my sister’s apartment and helped her change some light bulbs.  We came back to my apartment and I was still thinking of where to go in the afternoon.  I thought of some parks, museums or even a ski store, as I have skiing in my mind.  In the end I decided against all of those.

It was just the perfect day to stay at home.  I asked if he would mind if we just watched a movie and then later go out to dinner.  He said that it was a great idea. I proposed we watch Shawshank Redemption, one of my favorite movies that he hadn’t seen it yet.

“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason” ― Jerry Seinfeld

After the movie, it was already after 6pm, and I was starving.  I chose to go to a place near my home that I had never been to before, Krave, a Caribbean style restaurant.

We shared cod fish fritters, salmon with green beans and mashed potato and fried rice. We took macaroni and cheese home for my sister. We both had wine, him red, I chose white. I almost had the coconut rum cake for dessert, but decided it would be too much. I should have taken to go… oh well.

After dinner, we stopped by my sister’s apartment to drop off the macaroni and cheese.  We chatted for a little while, then came back to my place and watched a couple of episodes of Schitt’s Creek while snuggling on the couch.

I drove him back to the hotel around 10:30.  We said good bye, as he was leaving for the airport early the next morning.

“I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy livin’ or get busy dyin” ― Shawshank Redemption

Next time he comes to New Rochelle, I will make better plans.  Still this was perfect, easy, comfortable and fun. There are sparks, but it is not the crazy, exploding fireworks I have been looking for.  It was more like a slow burn, comfortable, familiar, attentive and romantic. One word to describe it, that it is pretty much unexpected for me is: mature. It feels adult, grown up.

We will be seeing each other next at the Salt Lake City Airport.  We will meet up there and drive to Park City to spend a few days skiing. I can’t wait!  He booked the place to stay and bought the lift tickets yesterday. I just booked my flights. I wanted to pay for my lift tickets, but he said it is my early birthday gift.  I am turning 57 on March 28 – arghhh… where has all of those years gone?

This, whatever this is, feels promising, feels good.

“Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things.
And no good thing ever dies!” ― Shawshank Redemption

Weekend Date – Part I

27 Monday Feb 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.” ― John Joseph Powell, The Secret of Staying in Love

Hi friends,

Here is the first part of my weekend date update.  I had a good reason to be excited.  He was just one of the sweetest, most thoughtful man that I ever met.

M. is 60 years old.  He is a retired helicopter pilot.  He retired at 55 years old.  He lives simply and planned his life so that he was able to retire early. He has spent the last 5 years skiing, surfing and traveling.

He arrived at 2pm on Thursday and went to his hotel. I was at work, so we met at 6:30pm at the hotel restaurant, Noma.  He met me outside.  I could tell right away that he was very shy.

Later he confessed that he checked on YouTube how do Brazilians greet each other.  I thought it was cute that he was trying to know exactly what to do. He also signed up with Rosetta Stone and is learning Portuguese. Extra points. Also, the moment I met him, he asked me to take a picture of his Drivers License and send it to my sister so she would know who I was with it.

The restaurant was great, busy and lively.  At some point there was a lady teaching salsa, and clearly there were a lot couples that went there just for that.  For dinner we had several tapas dishes.  I had a passion-fruit mojito, he had a beer.  We shared the bread pudding for dessert.

Throughout dinner and after, while sitting at a couch on the lobby, we talked like old friends.  We stayed in the lobby for about 30 minutes.  He reminded me that it was a school night and wanted to drive me home.  I wanted to walk.  He was not happy that I wanted to walk alone at night, but I assured him that it was safe.  It was still not that late.

Next day, Friday, I had originally intended on taking the day off, but there was some work I wanted to finish.  I decided to work half day from home, and meet him after.  Eventually I called him and proposed that he comes to my apartment and we have a late breakfast/lunch here. That way I would be logged into work for awhile longer.

He came over, we made a quick trip to the bakery, then returned, had some food.  I did some office work while we continued to talk. Then we decided to go out and do something.  It was so cold and windy, not the greatest day to be out, but we wanted to get out of the house. 

He kept asking if there was anything I always wanted to do, or any place I always wanted to see.  I came out blank, but so appreciate him trying to please me. He had a list of places, but by this time it was already 3:30, so I figured it was too late for any long drive.

I suggested we take a drive to Untermeyer Park and Gardens. We got there at 4pm.  It was definitely not the right day and time for a visit, but it is a gorgeous place no matter what.  It was empty, and the gate was closed, but not locked.  We walked around for about 45 minutes.  Then I remembered that I thought I had seen online that the park closes at 4:30pm.  We joked that we may get locked in.

We hurried to leave, but of course, we get to the gate and it is locked.  A bit of panic sets in, as it would be getting dark soon.  He started looking around for a way to either jump the wall, or some other area that we get through.  I called 911. 

As I am speaking to the dispatcher, M. comes over and noticed a notice on the wall, that had 2 numbers to call if ever locked in.  I told the dispatcher and she said: “Call the number, and if there is no answer call me back.”

As I called one number, he called the other.  I reached a mailbox that was full.  The number that he dialed connected him to 911.  At that same moment I saw through the gate that a security guard was coming towards us.

M. said: “I am going to give him $20”. I said, yes please, but only if he is not angry or mean.  He was not.  He had a smile on his face, and asked if we had not heard him on the loudspeaker.  We had not.  He didn’t want to take the tip, but we insisted.  

We returned to my town and stopped at the train station to get my sister.  We went home and got changed for dinner.  He took my sister and I to my sister’s favorite restaurant, Sergio’s.  We let her choose the place.

On the way there I realize I was missing my phone.  We dropped my sister at the restaurant and returned to my apartment to look for my phone.

Luckily, my phone was sitting on the table where I had left. We returned to the restaurant and found my sister seated at a table enjoying a cosmopolitan and bread and butter.  We had such a wonderful dinner full of fun conversation and laughter.

We had calamari and eggplant rollatini as appetizers. M. had the branzino with broccoli rabe. My sister had shrimp scampi with risotto.  I had eggplant with angel hair.  For dessert, my sister took a cheesecake home. 

Everything about Thursday and Friday was easy and fun.  Nothing awkward or difficult.  There were sparks, but also there was no pressure or pushiness for anything.  He is shy and very respectful.  He has made it clear that it is all 100% up to me; that he is not in any hurry.  I am enjoying concentrating on building this friendship and exploring the potential here.

He liked me.. a lot! He couldn’t stop making it clear to me that he was interested in a long term relationship.  The fact that he is retired and has nobody depending on him is a major plus for me.  Unlike the guy from Boston, he is able to come and go at a moment’s notice.  Speaking of the guy from Boston, he wants to schedule the second date for March.  I don’t think I  will be going on a second date with him.   He is so great, but with 2 young kids, everything will be more difficult for the next 8 to 10 years.

Weekend date part II next…

“To him she seemed so beautiful, so seductive, so different from ordinary people, that he could not understand why no one was as disturbed as he by the clicking of her heels on the paving stones, why no one else’s heart was wild with the breeze stirred by the sighs of her veils, why everyone did not go mad with the movements of her braid, the flight of her hands, the gold of her laughter. He had not missed a single one of her gestures, not one of the indications of her character, but he did not dare approach her for fear of destroying the spell.” ― Gabriel García Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera

It is a Rumi kind of day!

23 Thursday Feb 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Poetry

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“Love calls – everywhere and always.
We’re sky bound.
Are you coming?”
― Rumi

Today is a Rumi kind of day for me.  A day full of promise and wonder.

My date is scheduled to arrive in town momentarily.  He is up in the air.  Literally!

He will arrive and go to his hotel.  I am at work, but hopefully leaving soon.  We don’t have set plans, but we will probably meet for the first time at dinner.  

It seems so promising.  Yes, I am excited. That is the way it is supposed to be, I believe.  Dates should be approached with excitement. It is just another date, and yet, it is not! It could turn out to be something amazing.

“I want to see you.

Know your voice.

Recognize you when you
first come ’round the corner.

Sense your scent when I come
into a room you’ve just left.

Know the lift of your heel,
the glide of your foot.

Become familiar with the way
you purse your lips
then let them part,
just the slightest bit,
when I lean in to your space
and kiss you.

I want to know the joy
of how you whisper
“more”
― Rumi

Always and Forever an Enigma

17 Friday Feb 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, EX Files, Finding Me

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“You might question a winkle – a feeling that came to you right out of the blue – but you didn’t question knowing.” ― Stephen King

I wrote this post last week. I was not sure I was going to post it.

Last night as I was in bed drifting off to sleep, out of the blue, Enigma came to mind.  He is the guy I mentioned in these posts from November 2020:

Finally the date with The Enigma happens

Say What?

I immediately got up and went to Google.  I don’t like to check on people I have dated.  I feel that every time I look back, it prevents me from embracing my present and future. Every time I look back it sets me back.

But this time, I didn’t stop to think if I was going to look back or not.  I had to do it.  It was already midnight, I was tired, and had to wake up early the next morning. Still, I had to do it.  I had to look him up.

“There’s always someone who knows something.” ― Stephen King

It had been over 2 years; I couldn’t remember the exact spelling of his last name.  I spend a long time just googling whatever I could think of.  Searching phone numbers was useless. On the brief time we interacted he changed numbers 3 times.

Then I started attaching the names of towns I thought he lived at to different last names.  After a couple of hours…yes, that is how long it took me.  I wouldn’t give up.  I become a dog with a bone any time I want to try to find any information.

Then I found his obituary!!

He passed away in September.  I was shocked, and yet not surprised… if that makes any sense to you.  It was shocking because he was so young – he was a month shy of 50 years old.  I was not surprised because there was always a lot danger in the stories he told me.  It seemed to me he was reckless when it came to his well being. It is difficult to describe him.

Now, the next step was to find out how he died.  And that is where Miss Can Find Anything on the Internet came up empty handed.

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

There was nothing, not a hint, not a clue.  In the obituary/memorial site there were only 7 comments, and they were all about what a great person he was and words of comfort to his family.

I then was able to find his ex-wife’s Facebook.  There were 154 comments on her post of his passing.  There was not a single hint from the post or the comments as to how he passed.

For some reason I suspect that it had something to do with the war in Ukraine.  He had mentioned his involvement with a private military company in Russia.  He mentioned that was scheduled to go and do some work overseas for them.  I don’t want to reveal the name of the company here and some other details.

I don’t know if all he told me was true or not. Or perhaps it was make believe.  I don’t know, and probably never will.  He will remain an Enigma to me.  So gentle and caring, a teacher and volunteer; and then there was this other side that seemed incredibly dangerous and reckless.

TCM, I believe in your kindness and good heart.  I hope that you have found peace and contentment where you are.  Thank you for our brief encounter, flowers and the book!

(I still have the little purple flowers that he gave me on our date.  I dried them and kept them in a vase on my counter in my bathroom.  I am not sure why I did that.  I never kept any flowers from any date – something about not wanting to think of them)

“When he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun.”
― William Shakespeare

Show it, don’t say it!!

14 Tuesday Feb 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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HAPPY VALENTINES EVERYONE!!

“The deeds you do may be the only sermon some persons will hear today” –― St. Francis Of Assisi

Yesterday, as I was walking to work, I see a man turn a corner, running and screaming towards a school bus. A little boy of around 6 years of age is running behind him.

He is screaming at the top of his lungs at the bus driver while waving his phone.  He is yelling: “7:14 now, not 7:15.”   I am guessing the bus is supposed to leave at 7:15am, and it was leaving a minute early.

I recognize the boy.  I always see him standing with his mother at the corner.  I notice them because the mother is always speaking Portuguese to him.  I assume she is Brazilian. I think to myself: The mother manages to be there early everyday.

“Knowing when to fight is just as important as knowing how.” ― Terry Goodkind, Faith of the Fallen

This man is so furious, it is scary.  I am hyper alert now, thinking that I may have to end up calling the police.  Confrontations such as these always terrifies me.  When people can’t control their temper, anything can happen.

I, and some others walking by, slowed down to watch this unfold.

I am glad the female bus driver didn’t engage. I see that she attempted to say something but he was too loud and too furious to hear anything, so she gave up.

The boy got in the bus and walked to his seat.  The driver closed the bus door and proceeded to leave.  The man, still mumbling some choice words, walks along the bus to where the boy was sitting.  He hits on the window, waves and yells “I love you” to the boy.

“Instruction is good for a child; but example is worth more.” – ― Alexandre Dumas, Twenty Years After

Is he serious?  After such a neanderthal display, he thinks that saying I love you will erase how he just behaved.  Or perhaps, even worst, he didn’t even realize what he just did.

He may or may not have been right about the bus schedule, but nothing gives him the right to act in such a way.  Doesn’t he realize the scene he caused? Doesn’t he realize what he is teaching his child?

Is he that way inside his home? With the wife? With the kid?  I cannot picture this man being able to have a civil disagreement.

So many men, and women, are so ill prepared to be parents. Actually, so many people seem ill-prepared to live in society.

“If behavior is contagious, is yours worth catching?” ― Frank Sonnenberg, The Path to a Meaningful Life

I understand the aggravations of the day to day.  I understand bad mornings, but have a little more control of yourself, for the sake of your child and everyone in earshot.

I wish I would have said something, but I was afraid.  This man was so mad it looked like he was going to punch someone.  I am not about to risk my life, unless I really have to.

Parents, don’t just say I love you, show it.  Show love by the way you interact with others.  Show love by respecting others.  The children are our future, we can’t afford to have them think that this is acceptable behavior.

I know I am being judgmental, but watching this yesterday morning really shook me.  This man disturbed my peace, and that of others around.  I felt for the driver.  I also made me realize how easy  “I love yous” are thrown around as bandaids, pacifiers, rewards, weapons, etc.”

“Peace does not mean an absence of conflicts; differences will always be there. Peace means solving these differences through peaceful means; through dialogue, education, knowledge; and through humane ways.” ― Dalai Lama XIV

Life is as beautiful and fragile as a multicolored glass vase

09 Thursday Feb 2023

Posted by in Daily Message, Finding Me

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“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.” ― Seneca

To all that sent good issues to my brother, I thank you so much.  All the good wishes and prayers worked.  I am happy to report that he is doing much better.

Here is my latest project.  I keep trying different materials and projects, to eventually find my voice.  Perhaps I don’t have one specific voice.

This vase looks great on a window with the sun hitting it from behind.  I took the pictures at night, so I added a light to achieve the same effect.

   

“Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8 color boxes, but what you’re really looking for are the 64 color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64 color box, though I’ve got a few missing. It’s okay though, because I’ve got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8 color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation. So when I meet someone who’s an 8 color type…I’m like, hey girl, Magenta! and she’s like, oh, you mean purple! and she goes off on her purple thing, and I’m like, no I want Magenta!” ― John Mayer

All about Me, Myself and I

07 Tuesday Feb 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“In daily life we experience suffering more often than pleasure. If we are patient, in the sense of taking suffering voluntarily upon ourselves, even if we are not capable of doing this physically, then we will not lose our capacity for judgement. We should remember that if a situation cannot be changed, there is no point in worrying about it. If it can be changed, then there is no need to worry about it either, we should simply go about changing it.”
― Dalai Lama XIV, Dalai Lama’s Little Book of Inner Peace: The Essential Life and Teachings

Hello, I hope you all had an amazing weekend!

For the last few days, I have been dealing with feelings of powerlessness.

Family far away. I found out on Saturday that my brother has COVID.  My brother takes care of my older parents.

So many thoughts.  What if my brother gets so ill and has to go to the hospital?  What if my parents get it?

It is the type of situation that I wish I could get on a plane and get there asap.  But I can’t.  It is not that simple.  I have my tickets to Brazil already bought, but they are for April.

Fortunately, from Saturday until now, he is doing much better. So far, my parents haven’t contracted it.

It is so hard to live far away and not be able to just go and be with them.  I should be used to that situation already, after living in the US for the past 39 years.

Canceled date. I was going on a date on Sunday and my date canceled.  He also contracted COVID.  I was looking forward to that date.  Not because I thought we were such a good match, but because he seemed so intelligent and I imagined great conversations.  I no longer focus on the future of a date, I focus on the moment.

He wanted to talk on the phone until he recovers, I said no.  I am not sure why.  I keep going with my gut on the phone situation.  Sometimes I will give my number and talk on the phone, while other times I insist on meeting in person first.

Two people I know in 2 separate parts of the world getting Covid is to me such a reminder that Covid is not only still around, but it is here to stay.  We just need to learn to deal with it.

Cold sores.  I have never had a mouth/cold sore until last week.  I am glad it was small and not too unsightly.  This morning, it seems, I may be getting another one.  I am blaming it on the stress of work in the last months.  Stress and a possible weak immune system.  I have relaxed a bit on all I was doing to take care of myself.

It is all common sense the items on my list below, but it is so easy to relax a bit, and all of a sudden all I am doing is eating cake and watching Netflix.

So, starting now, I am focusing on:

  • Eating well. I do eat well, but 2 words: Less sugar!!
  • Sleeping well. Get to bed before 11pm.
  • Take Vitamin C. I take plenty of vitamins and supplements, but I just realized that I haven’t taken vitamin C in months.
  • Exercise more intentionally.  I walk on a treadmill every day, sometimes twice a day.  Every now and then I do some light weight training. I need to follow a program and a set of exercises.
  • Meditate (or just sit still). It does wonders for me when I take some time out of my day to just be still.

I am disappointed that I didn’t handle these feelings of powerlessness better.   I have read so much, experienced so much, wrote so much about it.  I should be a master at dealing with situations which I have no control of, by now.  This is another reminder that some lessons are never done.  We are constantly being tested.

I am disappointed when I realized that I had been putting myself and my well-being last. Work has been first for so long.  First with my assistant our for 3 months, then the audit for 6 months.  There was hardly any time for me in there.  2022 was very tough on me and my psyche.

The rest of 2023 will be all about me! ME! ME! ME!

“Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can.” ― The Dalai Lama

 

Everything works out in the end, if it hasn’t… just be patient

03 Friday Feb 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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Happy Friday everyone!

I am sorry about all the issues that some of you are having trying to reach my blog.  I hear you and I have been attempting to fix it.  I suspect things will get worse before they get better, so please hang in there.

I have also been experiencing issues while visiting some of you. I like or comment a post, and at that moment it shows.  If I refresh the page or go back to the post, it is no longer there.

I emailed WordPress and I am waiting on their response.   Please be patient with me and my blog.

And on the topic of patience, that is the always current lesson in my life.  I struggle with it; I fight with it.  It always fights back, and it always win.  Time and time again I realize that things are not on my timing.  I have to respect that, and get in line.

“A warrior of the Light is never in a hurry.
Time works in his favor; he learns to master his impatience and avoids acting without thinking.” ― Paulo Coelho, Warrior of the Light

Good news: Yesterday we had our audit exit interview.  It went well, no major findings.  They will be sending an official letter in the next few days.  Once we get the letter, we will have 10 days to reply.  I will probably have to write a couple of pages regarding the findings and corrections necessaries, but it shouldn’t be too bad.

And that should be the end of it.  Well, until we hear from them again.  We have been audited by our industry regulators in 2015, 2019, and 2022. The last one, ending now, after 6 months.

I still have plenty of other work to do, but not having auditors hanging over my head, never knowing when more questions are coming, is such a relief.

I found the writing below and it seems to have been written for an Aries (it fits me to a T). If anyone knows the author, please let me know so I can give it credit.

“Prayer of an Anonymous Abbess:

Lord, thou knowest better than myself that I am growing older and will soon be old. Keep me from becoming too talkative, and especially from the unfortunate habit of thinking that I must say something on every subject and at every opportunity.

Release me from the idea that I must straighten out other peoples’ affairs. With my immense treasure of experience and wisdom, it seems a pity not to let everybody partake of it. But thou knowest, Lord, that in the end I will need a few friends.

Keep me from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point.

Grant me the patience to listen to the complaints of others; help me to endure them with charity. But seal my lips on my own aches and pains — they increase with the increasing years and my inclination to recount them is also increasing.

I will not ask thee for improved memory, only for a little more humility and less self-assurance when my own memory doesn’t agree with that of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be wrong.

Keep me reasonably gentle. I do not have the ambition to become a saint — it is so hard to live with some of them — but a harsh old person is one of the devil’s masterpieces.

Make me sympathetic without being sentimental, helpful but not bossy. Let me discover merits where I had not expected them, and talents in people whom I had not thought to possess any. And, Lord, give me the grace to tell them so.

Amen”
― Anonymous

Have a blessed weekend!