Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

Being in Brazil

26 Thursday May 2022

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“The traveler sees what he sees. The tourist sees what he has come to see.” ― G.K. Chesterton

I have been in Brazil now since May 11th.  I am returning to NY this Saturday, May 28.  I love being in Brazil with my parents, but I miss my routine in the US. 

I came back to Brazil to bring my mother back after her stay in NY, and also to give my brother a vacation from taking care of my parents.  He went to Porto Seguro, Bahia, where it is always sunny and hot. 

In our area, in the Southeast of Brazil, it has been chilly. There is no indoor heating.  I have been trying to talk my parents into getting a heater but it has been tough for them to accept it.  Anything new to my parents, it is a waste of money.  It doesn’t matter if I am the one paying for.

“It is not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: What are we busy about?” ― Henry David Thoreau

While here I am spending most of my time:

  • Preparing lunch.  Lunch is a big deal here.  Right at breakfast we talk about what will be on the menu for lunch. There is always rice, beans and a salad.  Then a protein, mostly beef or chicken, and vegetables, anything from zucchini to okra.
  • Fixing stuff around the house/buying stuff. I bought new hampers and other accessories for the home, I cemented some loose stones around the the balcony and garage, cleaned closets, etc.
  • Having friends over for afternoon coffee.  Not all of them tell us they are coming.  Some just show up.  There is always country cheese, and a combination of breads, cookies, cheese bread, etc on the table.  
  • Working remotely.  I have been doing office work a few hours a day.  It is not as productive as when I am in the office, and often frustrating to work on a tiny laptop, but I have been getting stuff done.
  • Pilates.  I started on the day arrived and have been going every day for one hour.  The studio is around the corner from my house.  It has been amazing!!  I wish I could do Pilates every day forever.  
  • Answering the door.  There are all kinds of people selling all kinds of stuff.    We are customers of some of them for years. We buy everything from produce to water.  There is always some new face selling something.  My parents buy something from everyone to help them out.

I do a lot here, and still doesn’t feel I am doing enough or as much as I should. I arrive full of plans, and want to go home feeling I have accomplished a lot.

Lately when I am in Brazil I mostly stay with my parents.  I want to spend as much time with them as I can while I have them.  But the other evening I decided to meet some girlfriends for a drink.  We had pizza and wine, and it was a lot fun.

Since getting Covid in December I haven’t been myself mentally.  I forget things, I mess up things.  My family noticed and they are urging me to see a doctor.   Just today I went to another town one hour away to deliver some documents.  When I got there, I realized that I had taken the wrong envelope.  This type of situation has been a constant for me, daily. 

I hope this mental fogginess gets better.  The heartburn and anxiety are gone, so I have faith it is a matter of time.   It is just tough right now to be second guessing myself and see myself becoming insecure and unsure.

See you back in NY! 🙂

https://www.instagram.com/blessedwithastar/?hl=en

“One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

 

 

Relationship Trilogy – Part III: The Sad Reality

15 Sunday May 2022

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Below is the text that B sent after I didn’t reply to: “Boy you don’t waste time” 

To say I was shocked is an understatement.  I was speechless.  This guy needs mental help, was my first thought. He created this whole narrative that I didn’t want to see him, while the truth is I had changed things around to see him.

Who does he think he is talking to?  I really wanted to give him a piece of my mind, but clearly he is delusional. So I chose silence.

In a way I am happy.  All of a sudden I realized that I was getting into an abusive relationship.  He showers me with flowers and compliments, then he flips when I don’t have time to see him . Then he apologizes and promises not to do it again.

There were many instances and things he said; there were many details that gave me pause.  I was starting to think that I was imagining things and causing all this drama.

Every time he said or behaved in some way that was unacceptable, he apologized and I gave in.  I felt sorry for him, since I felt he loved me so much. I tried to rationalize his behavior.  This is what victims of abuse do, they rationalize the other person’s behavior.  They start making excuses for the other person.  They forget about their own feelings and wants.

In this whole short lived relationship I knew something was off.  My gut, my instinct were telling me that something was off.  I tried to make this relationship work.   From the beginning B and I didn’t speak the same language.  He didn’t seem to understand or grasp all I was saying.  I ignored it and thought that it would get better.

There seemed to be always suspicion on his part.  Some kind of paranoia, always saying I was choosing someone else.  When he insisted on seeing me when I couldn’t, he would say: “Is it bad that I am crazy about you, and want to see you more often?”

My answer was always: ” Yes, when it is suffocating me.”.  And it was.  Still he didn’t change.

He seemed to act out, be moody, lash out on text, anytime I was not available.  In person he was the sweetest and would apologize for being so demanding of my time, and would say he will do better. I believed it.

I am relieved to be getting off of this rollercoaster. I am wiser now to certain manipulative behaviors in name of love.  Love should never be an excuse to accept damaging behavior.

“Make sure you’re not saying ‘It’s complicated’ when it’s actually TOXIC. The more words it takes you to explain your relationship, the less healthy it probably is.” ― Steve Maraboli

What I learned:

  • When someone shows you who they are, trust them the first time. Don’t make excuses for the person and don’t accept subpar treatment. Bad behavior only escalates.
  • If it doesn’t fit, it doesn’t fit, move on. Don’t force a relationship because it seems so potentially good, or because those around you think it is perfect for you.
  • Listen to your gut and don’t be so quick to ignore signs. I brushed off certain details that gave me pause.  I thought I was being picky.
  • Don’t be blinded by the attention, the potential and the flowers. Look at the actions and behavior.

Often at the end of any of my relationships, short or long lived, I always feel I didn’t say all I needed to say.  This time is different.  I said all I needed to say many times over, but clearly he is incapable of understanding.

If I could make him understand anything at this point, it would be that he needs help. For now, if he comes to mind I say a silent prayer to him.  May he find the help and understanding he needs.  

****

After that text on May 8,  I blocked him. Then reached out on May 10 on WhatsApp.  I thought I had blocked him there also, but clearly I had not as yesterday (May 14) he send me an additional one.  He is now blocked on both. I am not tempted to hear from him or reach him.  I am indifferent.

 

My story with him is officially over, but the lessons will remain forever. 

This is a caution to everyone out there. No one is immune from falling into an abusive relationship.  I consider myself smarter than most when it comes to dating, and still I was falling victim to mental abusive and manipulation. Why did I keep giving him second chances?  

These types of behavior only escalates.  I was starting to feel powerless.  I am so glad that it is over.  Now, while in Brazil, I am focusing on taking care of my parents, going to Pilates daily, and working.  

The search continues.

“Abuse grows from attitudes and values, not feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunk is entitlement, and the branches are control.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Relationship Trilogy – Part II: Sick of this rollercoaster

14 Saturday May 2022

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“Climb up the stairs cheerfully, climb down the stairs cheerfully! Let your mind is unaffected by the ups and downs of life!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan

I returned from Brazil feeling that B and I were on a good path.  Even though I was exhausted I went to B’s house for dinner on the same day I returned.  Here is the post about it: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2022/04/21/on-off-or-just-dimmed/

I will summarize it here: We were very happy to see each other and all was great until I announced I was leaving.  He was annoyed and started complaining that I was not staying over.

I thought he would be happy that I went to see him on the same day I returned from Brazil; instead he went on and on about how disappointed and hurt he was.  He said I was not making him feel special and I was not making him a priority.  

I was shocked with all he was saying and how he was behaving.  I didn’t even know how to respond. We had already had a conversation about my limited time, about the fact that my mom would be a priority. 

I cried out of frustration and confusion.  I left not knowing where we stood.  After that evening I texted him asking if we were on or off.  He said he was hurt but looking forward to seeing me again.  We texted back and forth, and talked on the phone a couple of times.  It was frustrating, as it seemed there is so much miscommunication. He seemed to always miss the point. Still we managed to move forward.

For the next date I went to his house and we ordered Chinese food.  I had a lot to talk about. I had a lot to say, and I did.  He apologized and said he got angry because he likes me a lot and wants to see me often.  He promised he would be more understanding of my limited time.

The next time we met was for our 2 month dating anniversary. It didn’t start well, as I was in a foul mood for some reason. Here is the post: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2022/04/27/nothing-to-be-proud-of/

Even though I was moody in the beginning of the evening, we were able to talk it out and went ahead and had a great evening.  Something still was giving me pause, but still we seemed to be in a good place again.

On a Friday morning I left for a weekend trip to the casino for my mom’s birthday weekend. B and I texted throughout Friday and Saturday morning.  Then all of a sudden he went silent.

I could sense something was off.  I texted asking if all was okay. Here is the texts:

I was in shock when I read that.   It made no sense at all.  What was he talking about? 

My sister said I  should have called him on Friday night. I disagree.  I had no problem calling, but I didn’t think of.  Plus, I mentioned to him countless times, that he can always call me if he wants.  Even if I had promised to call and didn’t, it was no reason for this behavior.

Even though my sister was making me have doubts about my role in this situation, I didn’t reply and decided I was done with his outbursts out of nowhere.  I was also mad with his language. His behavior was way over the top and unreasonable.

“That’s the way life is sometimes: you can fix things up, but you can’t make them all better.” ― Amy Joy, The Academie

I was getting tired of this push-pull behavior.  One minute he says he loves me, and the next he is done. I didn’t reply and was okay with never hearing from him again.

Two days later he wrote and said sorry. I relented. He said he liked me so much and only wanted us to be in touch more often.  He said that all my texting felt like I was texting a friend.

I agreed to try again. How could I let go of what I thought had so much potential? I had to give him another chance.  He apologized.  I mentioned to him that his behavior was scary and uncalled for.  I said that his behavior felt abusive and bipolar. He was shocked to hear that and I wondered if I was not being over sensitive.  But I can only go with my feelings and this push and pull of this relationship was messing up my mind.

We met to say good bye as I was getting ready for my trip to Brazil and he was getting ready to get his daughter from college. Here is the post about it: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2022/05/07/come-over-come-over-come-over/

We seemed to be back on track. I was going to be away in Brazil and he was going to be busy with his daughter. We said goodbye. I felt good; we were in a good place.

We continued texting and talking on the phone. I didn’t think I was going to see him again before leaving, but on Sunday when he said he could perhaps meet, I agreed.  Then he said that perhaps it was better to do it on Monday because it was Mother’s Day and his daughter was having a hard time.  I agreed.

Then later when I texted to touch base, he said he could actually meet on Sunday. By then I had already rearranged my schedule and couldn’t do it.  I told him and I got this response:

I was not sure how to take that last line.  I was going to text LOL back, but it didn’t seem like a joke, so I decided not to reply right away.

Then, I get an additional text that was shocking to me.

to be continued…

ps. Comments will be disabled until the next post. (If I figure out how to do it) Are you listening Rob?

 

Relationship Trilogy – Part I: The Potential Fairy-tale

13 Friday May 2022

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“It’s the problem with fairy tales. From far away, they seem so perfect. But up close, they’re just as complicated as real life.” ― Soman Chainani, A World Without Princes

I am in Brazil at the moment staying with my parents so my brother can take a vacation.  I am juggling a few things, and any time life gets crazy I neglect my blog. Forgive me, I am always trying to do better, and be more present.  I will get there.

In the meantime I feel I need to write about my relationship with B.  This is the first of a couple of posts, as it will take me awhile to write all I need to.

If you have been reading my blog you will already know about some of my relationship with B.  It has not been a bed of roses.  We have had our ups and downs.  I kept holding on to the relationship, even though, something, that I couldn’t put my finger on, kept giving me pause. Perhaps the fact that I think that relationships should be easy and fun at the beginning and this one has been a struggle.

I think this is a cautionary tale. A story about falling in love with the potential and promise of a person, and not the reality.  This is about not wanting to give up on something that seems so great and meant to be, and ignoring that little voice inside.

But, before I get to the present moment,  let me recap the last few months for the new readers.

B and I had originally met 5 years ago.  At that time I felt that the reason he disappeared after a few dates was because he was still mourning a wife that had passed away a couple of years before.  I felt he liked me but couldn’t let go the idea of being a victim of a cruel world that took his wife.  He later told me that he thought I was not interested in him because I was spending a lot time with my sister and best friend that were visiting for one month.  

He had stopped calling. I didn’t pursue him.  I was sad but was okay with it.  I felt that if I were to have a relationship with him I would be always competing with a dead wife. No one can compete with a dead spouse that has become a saint.  

Fast forward 5 years to a few months ago when we saw each other again on Bumble.  We reconnected, started talking and after some back and forth and some canceled dates on both sides, we met.

The chemistry was still there and we started dating.  Having a second chance after 5 years felt like a love story!  We both felt that we had wasted 5 years and felt blessed that we now had another chance.

He was kind, thoughtful, opened car doors, brought me flowers, etc.  All seemed perfect, yet something was giving me pause.  I thought it was fear.

“Thorough examination will do the healthy no harm, and it may bless the sick.” ― Charles H. Spurgeon

Fear of hurting him and getting hurt.  I would voice those fears.  I would keep talking about all the potential issues that we would face.  I would ask him not to pressure me and not to give me any reason to run.  I realized I had to change that attitude and made an effort to focus on the now and not overthink things. I didn’t always succeed.

He continued showering with flowers and compliments.  The more compliments he paid,  the more I wanted to run. I didn’t quite know why.  Was I concerned that the 10 years age difference was too much?  Was his eagerness too much, too soon? Was I worried with the fact that he hated airplanes and airports, while I love to fly? Or was I just trying to sabotage this relationship?

Then I went to Brazil for 10 days. Beforehand, I discussed with him the fact that I was going and would bring my mother back with me.  I mentioned that upon my return my time would be limited but I would see him as much as I could.  I asked for his patience and understanding.

While in Brazil I decided to make more of an effort to keep in touch since he often complained that we needed to talk more on the phone. I called him every night to say good night.  Things seemed to be on track.

One day on the phone, when I  was telling him something about my brother’s girlfriend, I accidently said boyfriend when I meant to say brother.  He overreacted. Even after clarifying things and laughing about it, he text me after to make sure that I was being honest with him; wanting to know for sure that I didn’t have a boyfriend. I don’t my honesty being questioned.  He seemed insecure.

At times when we texted, he would complain that my texts lacked warmth, that it seemed I was texting a friend.  I would explain, and remind him,  that this is a brand new relationship, that we are getting to know each other.  I would ask him to realize that I don’t dedicate this much time and attention to any friend. The sheer fact that I was texting him every day showed that I cared and was making an attempt to be in touch.  I felt pressured.  He seemed needy.

At times it felt a bit suffocating, and then I would remind myself of the potential here.  The handsome, successful guy that adored me and wanted to give me the world, was right here wanting me.  A guy with whom I had great chemistry with. And yet something seemed off.

To be continued…

ps. I am disabling comments on this post until the end of the trilogy

“…when somebody says, “I regret nothing,” it’s like you’re willfully not confronting your life. You’re leaving your life unexamined. And I think there’s something in our society that says, Yeah, don’t examine it. Be heedless. Here’s a checklist. Occupy your time and be productive.

I mean, what does it say about us that we regret nothing?”
― Wajahat Ali

Come over, come over, come over

07 Saturday May 2022

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Every other time we meet he brings me flowers or has them waiting for me at his house. The above is from last night.

“What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility.” ― Leo Tolstoy

Life has been crazy, so I haven’t been able to come here and give you guys an update on my relationship with B. (this will be another post written in a hurry, so I beg forgiveness in advance)

It has been a rollercoaster.  One day we are well and on track to celebrate month 3, and the next we are done.  The major problem between us continues to be him wanting more time than what I can give him.  He becomes frustrated, and I become annoyed at his lack of understanding.

Nothing has changed for me. My mother is a priority while she is in town, but still I manage to see him twice a week, meeting at a restaurant or going to his house for dinner.

Last night we made tacos to celebrate Cinco de Mayo, and to say good bye, as we will not be seeing each other until the end of the month. He is leaving tomorrow to pick up his daughter in college.  I am leaving to go to Brazil on Tuesday and will stay there until the end of the month.

Last night was a lot fun and we appear to be a good place again. He says, and acts like, he is crazy about me. I am not crazy about him at this point.  I like him a lot and I see potential, and that is what I answered when he asked me if I will ever like him as much as he likes me.

He actually asked: “Will you ever fall in love with me?”

How does anyone answer that?  I said:” That is the plan, but only time will tell”.  Not the answer he wanted, but the truth.

“A mighty pain to love it is,
And ‘t is a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain.”
― Abraham Cowley, The Poems of Abraham Cowley

Today he texted me to ask if I could change my plans and meet him tonight again. For a second I thought to myself, here we go again.   When I said I couldn’t, I was waiting for him to start complaining about it, but I am glad that he understood.  Progress!

I think my life at this point is much busier than his, and he is focusing all his free time on me.  He enjoys being in a relationship and being romantic. I am still navigating those.

At this point I am just too busy with making sure that mom is having fun, going to casinos, shopping, visiting and hosting friends. I am also juggling work from home and at the office trying to get it all under control so I can work from Brazil for the rest of the month. 

On top of it all my assistant has cancer and will start treatment while I am in Brazil. The good thing thing is that it was caught early and is treatable, but still she needs to have surgery and go through radiation. My work life has gotten a bit more difficult.

I have a lot on my plate so I need someone understanding and not demanding. I made a point of telling him that my life is always busy, and my mother travels here twice a year, so he should expect to deal with this same situation periodically. Of course, if we are still together in 6 months when my mom returns, then I will introduce them.

“Don’t be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible. Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen.” ― George Saunders, The Braindead Megaphone

I am scared of how much he likes me.  Does he like ME or just the idea of me?  Will I ever match his intensity?  Above it all I do not want to hurt him. I can take pain and disappointment, but for some reason I think everyone around me is fragile, and in need of protection.

I am going to continue doing what I am doing, which is being completely honest. With him and myself.  I will not tell him what he wants to hear, if my heart is not feeling it.

I will continue to have fun, and laugh, embrace life and stop creating unnecessary drama. I am going to fully enjoy the attention, romance and the flowers that he gives. 

I will have an open mind and open heart, to hear and embrace the love and sweet nothings, and I will try to be as still and quiet as I can, as often as I can,  so I can hear my soul’s guidance.

 He just send me the song below. 

“And I can’t be running back and fourth forever between grief and high delight.” ― J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey

Nothing to be proud of

27 Wednesday Apr 2022

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“The momentum of the mind can be vexingly, involuntarily capricious.”
― Gregory Maguire, A Lion Among Men

This is a tough post to write.  I didn’t know I could behave as such a bitch.  The night of our second month anniversary I was so moody.

From the moment he picked me up, he couldn’t do anything right.  I had an issue with everything.  I still have not figured it out why I acted in such a way.

I had a problem when:

  • he said that the driver in front of him was too slow and didn’t know how to drive
  • he asked me if he should park in an area that was a mile from the restaurant. (he had no idea where the restaurant was, so he had assumed he was closer)
  • he said that driving in rush hour to a town I mentioned wanting to go at a certain point is crazy
  • he wanted to sit at the bar.  He asked me if the bar was okay, I agreed, but kept thinking he should have remembered I prefer tables.

I didn’t say anything at the moment, but I kept adding things up in my mind.

So I sat there and internally projected and projected. I extrapolated this driving behavior as meaning he doesn’t like going places.   I added the fact that he hates airports and airplanes and I arrived at the conclusion that we are never traveling together. 

For the first hour of the evening he couldn’t stand me.  I couldn’t stand myself. I was closed off, guarded, moody.

I knew what I was doing.  I didn’t know why, and I didn’t know to change.  I couldn’t make myself relax and enjoy the evening.

I think that I may push people that like me just to know how much they can take.  How much do they really like me? As if they need to prove me anything.

Finally, he had enough and said: let’s go.  We left the restaurant and sat in the car. He turned the car on and I knew that I would probably never see him again if he just drove me home.  At least that is what I feared.  I asked him to turn it off.

I had been irrational this whole evening and I knew it. We sat quiet for a little bit while I talked myself out of breaking up.

“You’re human, and you have to reconcile that with yourself somehow. Forgive yourself. Allow yourself to feel everything deeply, to grow and learn.” ― Leesa Cross-Smith, This Close to Okay

Eventually we talked.  He wanted to know what was wrong.  I mentioned the traveling situation.  He said he mentioned he doesn’t like airports and such, but it doesn’t mean that he will never travel. 

I apologized for making the evening miserable.  Eventually we got out of the car and walked to a French restaurant, Encore Bistro Français. We proceeded to talk, laugh and have a fun evening. To which he commented: “Why can it be always like this?”.

I am not proud of that behavior.  It is perhaps fear.  Fear of commitment, fear of losing my independence, fear of getting hurt. Fear of settling for the wrong person. Fear of losing me.

Next time I will mention doubts, and questions, as they happen instead of adding them up and making them seem like real problems. I will also try to police myself so I nip bitchy mood in the bud.

I am vowing to push all those fears out of my mind for now, and just take it a day at a time.  I just need to be quiet enough to listen to my heart.  All this mental chatter about the future is making lose the present.

 

I hate the world today
You’re so good to me
I know but I can’t change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I’m an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
 
Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved
To see the softer side
I can understand how you’d be so confused
I don’t envy you
I’m a little bit of everything
All rolled into one
 
I’m a bitch
I’m a lover
I’m a child
I’m a mother
I’m a sinner
I’m a saint
And I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell
I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way
 
So take me as I am
This may mean you’ll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
And I’m going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won’t mean a thing
 
“The weather and my mood have little connection. I have my foggy and my fine days within me; my prosperity or misfortune has little to do with the matter.” ― Blaise Pascal

On, Off, or just dimmed?

21 Thursday Apr 2022

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While I was in Brazil B and I spoke every night.  We couldn’t wait to see each other again.

I arrived from Brazil on Tuesday morning.  This is a 9 and half hours flight.  All really started on Monday morning getting the covid test, praying for a negative result.  I get anxious imagining the worst.

After getting the negative result,  we finished getting ready and  drove over 4 hours to the airport.  At the airport, doing the checking in, getting a wheelchair for my 87 year old mother, then waiting another 3 hours to board the plane.  The flight left at 9pm and we got to JFK before 6am on Tuesday morning. Then proceed with the wheelchair, and getting through Immigration. 

I was nervous. My mom is a green card holder and she needs to come into the US at least every 6 months. She hasn’t been here in 3 years thanks to covid and health issues.  Still they could have given her a hard time, and my anxiety made me think of the worst: going for additional clearance and perhaps a court date to see a judge. Thankfully the agent was a joy and had no issues.

Then getting a car, getting home, unpacking, getting my mom settled, putting in a full day working from home. To me, the fact that I was at B’s house for dinner on Tuesday at 6pm was a sign that he was important to me.  I even skipped my Tuesday night mosaic studio time for him.  That should tell him something.  But he didn’t see it that way.

But let me back up a bit.  I got to his house and he had a beautiful bouquet of flowers waiting for me.  Gorgeous flowers!! The picture above doesn’t do them justice.

We had a great time, talking, eating and sipping wine.  All was fine, fun and yummy, until it was time for me to leave.  He acted shocked that I was leaving and not staying with him.  I was shocked that he was shocked.

I have stayed over twice before.  He assumed that after being away for 10 days I would.  Assumptions and expectations will kill a blossoming relationship faster than anything.

He proceeded to tell me how hurt and disappointment he was.  He said he didn’t feel important to me.  I didn’t know where all that was coming from.  I had already explained to him that in April and May I wasn’t going to have much time as I was going to Brazil for 10 days, get mom, she is staying here for 20 days, then I was going to go back to Brazil for another 20 days.

“You are at once both the quiet and the confusion of my heart; imagine my heartbeat when you are in this state.” ― Franz Kafka, Letters to Felice‎

When I had mentioned that,  he had said that his daughter would be coming from college in May and that, indeed, it would be hard to spend much time together.  We both had agreed that we would make the most and best of it.

What happened? Did he forget about all of that?  Is this covid mental fogginess of mine preventing me from understanding this? Is he right?

He said that I was doing the same thing I did 5 years ago.  Five years ago when we had a few dates, my sister and my best friend had just arrived from Brazil to stay 1 month.  I had mentioned that for one month it would be tough to get together as I wanted to dedicate time to them. 

What he seems to forget is that, now, as well, as back then, I had just barely met him.  This relationship is not even 2 months old now.  It may seem harsh, but my family comes first at this point.  It is not a competition, which he seems to be doing.

“Don’t be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible. Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen.” ― George Saunders, The Braindead Megaphone

We went from flowers to tears in a matter of hours. My head is still spinning.  I am still confused and thinking that he is creating problems where there are none.

I cried talking to him, more out of frustration, than out of sadness.  It is frustrating that in one minute we are on the same page and all is fine, and the next minute all is upside down. We were even thinking long term, and such plans.

Timing is indeed everything. And for now I am not even sure where we are. Are we on, off or what?  I got home that night and texted him thanking him for dinner and flowers. He replied with good night.

Yesterday, I texted him saying I was confused, and asking him if we are on or off, or what.  He said he was sad and hurt, that he was looking forward to spending time with me and that he didn’t want to be off.  I said I didn’t either.

As I am about to hit Publish on this post he texted me.  I will save that for the next post.

“At times he felt that he had almost rather not be in love with her, for it brought him no peace. What was the use of it, if it was only going to be painful?” ― Larry McMurtry, Lonesome Dove

The Uber Ride to feeling young forever

17 Sunday Apr 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“Youth is happy because it has the capacity to see beauty. Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.” ― Franz Kafka

I am in Brazil at the moment. I came to see my family and bring my mom back with me to spend 3 weeks in NY.

I have started multiple posts, but time is even shorter here, so I haven’t been able to finish any, so I am going to attempt to quickly write and post this.  Fingers crossed and forgive any typos.

I want to write about my ride to the airport.  My cousin was going to drive me, but he was going to try to fit me in between a couple of rides that he already had (he is a driver for a car service).  That didn’t work out.

For a moment I considered having B take me. He had offered when he heard I was taking a trip.  But I had said my cousin was going to take me.  I had already asked him for a ride on Monday when I had a colonoscopy. I didn’t want to use him this way again.

So I decided to call an Uber.  My experience with Uber to go to the airport is not the best. Most Ubers don’t want to go to the airport on a Friday, so they normally cancel.

I booked the ride and got the message that Jose would be coming in 12 minutes. I took all my 3 pieces of luggage outside in the front of the building. After 12 minutes I realized that Jose was driving to the back of the building. I called him and asked him to wait.

I had to take all 3 pieces of heavy luggage through the building and parking lot to the back. For the record, that was easier than asking him to drive around. Main Street New Rochelle has been a horror show with construction traffic. 

Finally I get to the car, get my luggage in and get settled in. I always try to make conversation with the driver.  Not everyone is responsive, Jose was.  The ride turned into a very inspiring experience. 

Jose, my driver, was turning 80 years old on that day!! I was in awe of how great he looked for his age, but not only that, I was impressed but his attitude.

We talked about everything, life, well-being, plans for the future, etc. Next year, when he turns 81, he plans to retire, move back to the Dominic Republic and study architecture. Meeting people like this gives me life.

“You are never too old to become younger!” ― Mae West

He talked about how he keeps in such amazing shape, physically, mentally and spiritually.  He shared with me some of his routine:

  • exercises at least 2 hours a day
  • no medication, he treats everything with natural remedies
  • his Bible: Alternative Cures by Bill Gotlieb (see pic at the top)
  • doesn’t watch tv, invests his time in reading and exercise
  • doesn’t stay on the phone chit-chatting with friends, no time for that.  His friends know he is there if they need him. 
  • stops working everyday at 6pm religiously. 
  • chooses gratitude every morning.
  • chooses to be happy no matter what is going on
  • massages – carries a massager with him, and at every opportunity he massages his back, face, feet, etc (see pic at the bottom)
  • adores life

His daughters wanted to pay his rent, but he said if he accepted that, then he would have to accept them meddling into his life.

He drove slow and safe through a very busy Friday rush hour. It was as if his was the only car on the road.  It was the most serene drive to the airport ever. Happy 80th birthday to Jose. May God bless all his days.

Jose and his positive attitude, and every older person that I meet that is full of life and plans, inspires me to live more and fully. The key to getting older but not feeling older it to always continue learning, growing, and looking to become better of body, mind and soul.

I realize that life at 56 is just beginning.

“Be game–take a chance–don’t hide behind veils and veils of discretion… Go forward with what you have to say, expressing things as you see them. You are new evidence, fresh and young. Your work, the spirit of youth, you are the progress of human evolution. If age dulls you it will be time enough then to be ponderous and heavy–or quit. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to be young, to continue growing–not to settle and accept.” ― Robert Henri, The Art Spirit

 

When the ego is out of line

27 Sunday Mar 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

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“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ― Rumi

Yesterday B and I celebrated our 1 month anniversary!  Yes, you heard me… 1 whole month!   I will be that annoying person that celebrate monthly anniversaries.  No longer counting dates, I now count months. 

We went to Tapas & Cucina, a restaurant that I like that is located in Eastchester, NY.  We shared different tapas.  We had spicy potatoes, meatballs, empanadas and eggplant. I had a passion fruit mimosa and he had chardonnay.   He stays away from sugar so he didn’t have dessert. I had the tiramisu.

He brought me beautiful flowers (that ones on the picture above).  He is very sweet and tender with me. It is so comfortable being with him.

But not everything is flowers. There are some thorns, and it is mostly my overreacting.

“Make your ego porous. Will is of little importance, complaining is nothing, fame is nothing. Openness, patience, receptivity, solitude is everything.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

I continue, often subconsciously, to look for excuses/reasons to run. I am trying to be aware and immediately stop anytime I feel myself going down that rabbit hole of self-sabotage.

He is trying hard to be understanding, and I am trying hard just being in the moment and not creating problems where there are none.

This time I had a problem when he changed the radio station in the car after I had chosen a radio station.     

I didn’t say anything at the moment, but he already knows me well and could sense it.  I am always talking, going silent for any amount of time signals to him that something is wrong.

“The moment you become aware of the ego in you, it is strictly speaking no longer the ego, but just an old, conditioned mind-pattern. Ego implies unawareness. Awareness and ego cannot coexist.” ― Eckhart Tolle

He asked: “Ana, come back, where did you go?  What happened?”

I said: ” nothing”,  but when he insisted I mentioned the radio. I was trying to work out the situation on my own and not say anything, but in the end I rather be transparent and say exactly what is going on.  He apologized profusely.  He said he thought he had asked me.

I understand how petty that is, but for some reason, any little thing can have me looking into the future, and predicting doom.  My ego was trying hard to make me believe that his changing the radio station meant he didn’t respect my choices.

After some time, I was able to shut my ego down, and forget about the radio, and we proceeded to have an awesome night.

I am not proud of my moody behavior. I am, however, proud that I am able to recognize some of my patterns and that I am actively working on changing them.  Baby steps.

“Don’t Just

Don’t just learn, experience.
Don’t just read, absorb.
Don’t just change, transform.
Don’t just relate, advocate.
Don’t just promise, prove.
Don’t just criticize, encourage.
Don’t just think, ponder.
Don’t just take, give.
Don’t just see, feel.
Don’t just dream, do.
Don’t just hear, listen.
Don’t just talk, act.
Don’t just tell, show.
Don’t just exist, live.”
― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

A post about everything

09 Wednesday Mar 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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Unlike Seinfeld, this post is about everything.

Bali is not enough!

I told the overly excited accountant that I am not interested in a second date.  He said: “It sounds like you have somebody else.”  I said: “No, that’s not it.”

And that is the truth.  Even if I was not interested in the Older guy from the past, I would still be saying no to him.  Being alone is not an issue for me. Being with the wrong person is.

He was a nice guy and he was trying hard. I feel for him.  He said he got divorced because his wife left him for a guy that made more money.  He is now very proud to be making a lot money.  Every conversation is about how well his business ventures are doing.

He was even talking about vacations in Bali.  He showed me the Instagram photos of the villa in Bali where we would be staying in.  All very tempting, but not tempting enough to forget that I know he is not the one for me.

“Rise above the deceptions and temptations of the mind. This is your duty. You are born for this only; all other duties are self-created and self-imposed owing to ignorance.” ― Sivananda

On the way to one month and more

Tomorrow night it will be the fourth date with B.  I will call him B. instead of Older Guy from the Past.  When do I stop counting dates?  Perhaps when it hits one month.  Then I will start counting months, then years.  Yes, I am feeling ambitious.

But no, I am not making any plans more than one date at a time.  The future no one knows, I will know when I get there. For now I am enjoying the infinite possibilities of the present moment.

“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.” – Thomas Merton

Peaceful time at work

There were two people at work that really annoyed me.  There was the guy that blocked me.  I thought I had canceled him, but turns out I cannot cancel co-workers on this program. So I blocked him back when he tried contacting me.  He now has to use email to reach me. That has been working fine.

The second was a woman that, one day would act as your best friend and the next would bit your head off.  She would become so defensive that it was impossible to have a conversation.  Things got a little better when she decided to just continuing working from home. She was easier to avoid over the phone.

She was fired this week.  While I am happy I will have peace from her, I feel bad when anyone gets fired.  Her firing had nothing to do with me.  It was due to poor performance.  If she were still bringing money to the company, she would still be here annoying me.

Sending her good wishes. May she find a better fit for her.

“Being agreeable didn’t make people less difficult.” ― Stewart O’Nan, Henry, Himself

It is like looking for a boyfriend, only worst

I am in search of a Primary care doctor.  I never cared for the one I had.  He never discussed anything.  I always felt he was in a hurry.  Am I asking too much for a little more time and attention?  Is it crazy to want a primary care doctor to go over blood test results, especially if some numbers are high?  His assistants were also the worst.

He has been my doctor for the past 4 years. I don’t like changes, but decided that keeping him because I don’t like changes is stupid. Similar to dating, I decided to start looking until I find the right one for me.

Also, on the health topic, I have scheduled an appointment with a gastroenterologist.  Since I contracted covid at the end of December, I have chronic heartburn.  I removed some of the foods that seemed to trigger it, and I keep taking Pepcid AC, Omeprazole, and other medications. Those helped a little.  At this point, my family and friends are worried and want me to have it checked.  I will also be speaking to the doctor about getting a colonoscopy.  I never had it, and I think the time is now.

“Doctors always think anybody doing something they aren’t is a quack; also they think all patients are idiots.” ― Flannery O’Connor, The Habit of Being: Letters of Flannery O’Connor

That is all for now folks!!  Thank you for the joy you give me when you visit!  I offer you a calorie free virtual slice of homemade chocolate cake. ♥♥  I would offer you Godiva Chocolates if I had any 😉