Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

The Sizzle has Fizzled

30 Friday Oct 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.”― thich nhat hanh

My communication with The Swiss has been dwindling down. I can see the end near and honestly, I don’t care to stop it from happening. I am actually welcoming it.

In the beginning, even though he arrived in a shining package full of ribbons and bows, I think that deep down inside I had my doubts about him.  Still the first few days were amazing. 

On the first day we went on that marathon texting, that culminated in some very spicy texting.  I would say it was close to sexting sans pictures.  I am not crazy to be sending pictures to anyone no matter how hot things get.

I don’t regret the spicy conversations.  It was welcomed, and dare I say, needed and appreciated.  I would do it again. 

He seemed to be too good to be true, and perhaps he is, or he is not, I don’t know.  Something about him gives me pause.  Still I was excited and curious to meet to see if in person the excitement of the first day would be there. 

“Emotions come and go and can’t be controlled so there’s no reason to worry about them. That in the end, people should be judged by their actions since in the end it was actions that defined everyone.”― Nicholas Sparks

We scheduled to meet in NY City, and a couple of days before the date he asked me how I was going to get there.  When I mentioned that I was going to take public transportation instead of driving he expressed concern about my possible exposure to COVID.

He said he felt uncomfortable about that.  He is concerned that if he gets COVID his son may get it and he will not be able to play sports.  Not to get him more nervous but for full disclosure I said that my sister takes the train into the city daily and she lives with me.  

I said we should cancel since there is no reason to do it if he is that concerned.  He agreed.  I was okay with it.  Almost indifferent about it. I respect people’s concern about this virus, so I would never hold that against him. 

The truth is, he is one of those people that I was very curious to meet on the first day but the curiosity kept dissipating with each day that has gone by.  I am no longer curious.  It is strange for me to say that, considering how many things we have in common and how much he has going for him.

“If you don’t feel it, flee from it. Go where you are celebrated, not merely tolerated.” ― Paul F. Davis

The worldly, smart, funny, spiritual, sexy person that was there on day 1 seemed to have disappeared. 

Since the cancelation of the date I think we both became uninterested.   I noticed that lately I am doing most of the reaching out and keeping in touch.  I stopped, and I will now make sure that I don’t persist on something that is not there and let it go peacefully as it came.

When I questioned myself why I am feeling so indifferent to someone that seemed so amazing and that I was so excited about I realize what I am missing the most in him: care.

This guy can certainly take care of me financially, but that is not what I am talking about.  He doesn’t seem to care.  He doesn’t show an interest in my life. Even when he is the one reaching out, it feels empty and shallow.

“Ask yourself, does this person make me feel good about myself? Do I feel safe, strong and free with this person? Those are the questions you need to ask….You have to be strong to truly be open.”― April Sinclair

He doesn’t inspire in me safety and security. He doesn’t make me feel special and wanted. I feel I wouldn’t be able to trust him with my heart. 

Some of the words that I would attribute to him are vapid and flippant.   He seems to love himself.  Nothing wrong with that.  I love myself.  But loving himself seems to be the only thing for him.  I think it would be a relationship comprised of 3: Him, his ego and I.

We are still communicating, but at this point I am not even sure we are good as friends.  I feel I have already learned all that he came to teach me.  He showed me that there are plenty of successful accomplished guys out there, so I don’t have to settle for any One.  He inspired me to read and listen to the works of Ram Dass again.  I had forgot about Ram Dass’s teaching, and his guided meditations have been amazing for me.  I feel his job is done.

“One can be the master of what one does, but never of what one feels.”― Gustave Flaubert

For the record, I still don’t have a good read on him, if he is a good person, or perhaps not so good.  I implied that he is arrogant and egocentric, but all that are my feelings about him.  He hasn’t done or said anything that was bad, mean, or anything like.  I am operating under some gut feelings I am having. 

I am reading between the lines.

I think I just expected a little more from someone that has gone through so many amazing experiences.  I expected the magic and the communication from the first day to be there on the other days also.  I expected him to “Be Here Now”, but I think he got lost.

Not everyone, even if they are good people, comes into my life to stay.  I need to be okay with that.  I need to be okay with letting people go, if the energy is not right. Not everyone has to be my friend.  I don’t need to have a good reason to let people go.  “Just because” is good enough.

“Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer.”― Oscar Wilde

 

Choosing to accept. Don’t ask, don’t tell!

26 Monday Oct 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Sometimes people let the same problem make them miserable for years when they could just say, So what. That’s one of my favorite things to say. So what.” ― Andy Warhol

I know some of will not understand why but I am still talking to A.-The Renter.  After a couple of days of silence, on Thursday he texted me and asked me if he could call me.  I said ok.

After some chitchat he apologized for the lack of communication.  He didn’t really give me a good excuse for that.  I didn’t really ask for one. I don’t think he has one.  He mentioned being busy with work and getting his house in California ready to be rented out.

At this point I already have it resolved in my heart and mind that he is not for me as a romantic partner. I don’t need to know what happened, the whys of the silence.  Knowing will not change anything.

“Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of ‘not knowing.”― Mark Z. Danielewski

I am of the opinion that if a man wants a woman he will go after her.  There will be no game, there will be no “I am too busy”, etc.  So, him not contacting me for days and ignoring my text just answered that question in my heart.  No need to draw me a picture.

He mentioned the vacation to Cabo, and has been mentioning it daily ever since.  He said I should go to Cali first, stay at a hotel, meet him and if I felt safe and liked him then we would go to Cabo together from there.  He tried to sweeten the pot by adding that he would pay for all the flights and every expense. I would not have to spend a dime.  

I am not tempted at all. It is so easy for me when I make a decision. 

“A very little key will open a very heavy door.”― Charles Dickens

I said it is a bit too late now and he has only himself to blame. He agreed with me and has apologized constantly.

If I don’t want him as a boyfriend anymore, why then am I still communicating with him?

2 words:  Acceptance and belief!

I never give up on people that I genuinely like.  I know it can be a flaw.  I still think he is a nice person and a potential good friend.  I believe in the goodness of people and from the past few months of talking to him I think he is a good person.

I keep doors open. I give second and third chances.  I believe that people are good deep down inside. I am not going off to anywhere to meet him.  If he ever comes to NY I will meet him, but at this point I want only friendship.

If he writes, I will respond.  If I feel like saying something I will write.  If he responds, fine. If he doesn’t that is fine too! That is how I am with my male friends, and that works! That simple! 

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” ― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

In 2015, I had a few dates with someone that disappeared out of the blue. Then he got in touch again and asked me to dinner.  I went, probably thinking romance, but since then we have developed this great platonic friendship.  He has become one of my closest friends. I am so glad I decided to ignore his disappearance.  To this day I don’t know what happened, and I don’t care. 

What I know for sure is, if someone is interested in me romantically he will not disappear or play games.  If he does, and comes back, more often than not I am willing to listen and be friends.

Below is the text he sent after we spoke on the phone.

“A weed is but an unloved flower.”― Ella Wheeler Wilcox

And since then he is in touch every day, many times a day, sharing more of his life.  I didn’t even know he had a dog.  He does have the cutest dog, and still cries about another one that passed not too long ago.

I am willing to be a friend, and will always err on the side of kindness and redemption.  If people take advantage of that, it is on them, not on me. I try, I I accept, I love, I move on, I am happy.

“The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” ― Maya Angelou

To eat or not to eat

23 Friday Oct 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me, Food

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“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.” – Hippocrates

My attempt at detox is going very well. It is far from what a real detox would be but still I so impressed with myself.  I am also continuing with the intermittent fasting.

For the most part, during the week, I cut out the 2 worst offenders for me: sugar and carb. On the weekends I have a little piece of bread for breakfast.

On Sunday it will be 2 weeks, my aim is to do a total of 3 weeks.  I want to find a middle ground and keep it for the rest of my life. 

I had had not sugar until last night 😦

“Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend.” ― Lao Tzu

Last night my sister and I met a friend for dinner. We were the only table in this beautiful Greek restaurant, called Telly’s Tavern.  There is one in Manhattan for years and just last year they opened in Port Chester.  We went to the Port Chester location.

We were the only customers there on a Thursday at 8:30pm.  I know there is a virus going around, and with the numbers rising again, I don’t expect to see a lot people, but still I expected some people sitting on the tables outside. There were none. l I felt bad for the owner. 

I had soup at home and had appetizers at the restaurant.  I had a few slices of fried potatoes and 1 zucchini croquette, they were tick and the size of a hamburger. And all so delicious.  My sister and my friend had 2 drinks each. I had a glass of water and that was perfectly fine. I was not tempted at all.

The one thing that was very hard to pass by was the bread basket. Beautifully smelling hot rustic bread. Immediately I declared that I was going to take the bread home. We took it, and then accidently gave to my friend with other leftovers 😦  I guess it is was not meant to be)

.“If we are creating ourselves all the time, then it is never too late to begin creating the bodies we want instead of the ones we mistakenly assume we are stuck with.”― Deepak Chopra

And then I had dessert. I didn’t want to. I am not even joking, I didn’t want to, but still I had it. Why?

To be kind to the waitress.

Christina, our waitress is from Paraguay and just the nicest girl and waitress you could ever had.  She wanted to be gracious so as a treat she brought us freshly fried Lokoumades, which is the Greek version of donuts.  Deep fried dough balls sprinkled with cinnamon and drizzled with honey.  

Donuts and such are not enticing to me at all, so I didn’t want to have any. I knew my sister wasn’t going to have any and I wasn’t sure if my friend would or would not, so I wanted to do my part.

They were good! I don’t regret it. I was happy to attempt to show appreciation for the waitress’s kind gesture.  To me, not eating was not an option.

“We are healthy only to the extent that our ideas are humane.” ― Kurt Vonnegut

It got me thinking, how many times have we done something we don’t want to do to please someone? Probably more times than we realize. 

This is not the first time and will not be the last, but I am going to try to watch myself.  I have to watch myself on the reasons behind my actions and inactions.

This morning I woke up starving and I am blaming those darn little balls. I haven’t been that hungry in the mornings since I started the intermittent fasting.  I am happy that for the first time in forever I am noticing things about my body, and my feelings towards food and hunger.

And on that note, tomorrow is Saturday and I cannot wait to have a piece of bread with butter.  

oh, and this friend that we met for dinner baked us a huge Brazilian Style carrot cake. Is the world conspiring against me? lol

Part II, yea or nay

22 Thursday Oct 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“The truth is that the universe has been answering you all of your life, but you cannot receive the answers unless you are awake.” Rhonda Birne

Part II

Thank you to everyone that wrote to me with concerns about this trip.  I so appreciate the care and support of everyone!  Blessings All! ♥♥

As I mentioned I asked the Universe for a sign and I believe I got one.  Well, I took something that happened as a sign. I will get to that in a little bit.

The truth is I already knew what to do.  The idea of this trip, even though it was extremely exciting, wasn’t feeling right, not because of COVID, even though that should be a consideration, but because of him.  I was trying to make his lack of communication okay, but in the end it was not.

He eventually called.  I was completely honest with him, well, I am never not completely honest.  My problem is being too honest with some jerks that don’t deserve my honesty.  I mentioned that I had a problem with his lack of communication.  I said that questions had come up when I was excitedly planning for this dream vacation and he never bothered to text me back to at least see what I wanted.  I felt ignored.

I told him that the excitement of this romantic tropical vacation combined with finally meeting him blinded me to how crazy this was.  The resort may be amazing but I can certainly pay for trips and don’t need to act as if this is the last trip in the world. (Between you and I there is no way I am willing to pay $700.00 a day to stay anywhere, but he didn’t need to know that).  He agreed and mentioned that he has another timeshare to another expensive resort in Aruba. Gosh, who cares at this point?

In the end I cannot recall exactly what he added to the conversation that night as I believe that I did all the talking.  I hung up with the idea that the trip is off but that we are still on track to continue communicating and eventually meeting if he ever moves to NY.

Then he went silent.

****

“You will never follow your own inner voice until you clear up the doubts in your mind.” – Roy T. Bennett

The sign:

That morning. right after I asked for a sign I received a message from a guy on Match.  His profile didn’t have much information but he wrote me in perfect Portuguese which drew my attention. Right away he gave me his LinkedIn and phone number. I quickly did my Google research and found out a lot information on him.  This man is impressive.

There is so much I could say about him, but I always want to err on the side of not giving away too much information about anybody here.  He seems too perfect to be true.  He is 47 years old is very accomplished in the financial industry.  He speaks multiple languages, extremely well educated, and the best part, very spiritual. He has been to multiple retreats in different parts of the world, spent time with Indians in Brazil and healers in Hawaii.  He sent me videos and pictures from those experiences.  That is some of the stuff I love.  And he seems to have a sense of humor too.

Things developed very quickly.  I did all that I never do. I gave him my phone number right away. We connected on LinkedIn. On the first day we texted from 2pm to midnight.  By the time midnight was rolling around the conversation had gone from spiritual retreats to more spicy topics.  I take full blame for that.  Give me chemistry and a willing participant and I can be very free with my words.  In my defense, it had been ages, so it felt good.

. “I believe instinct’s the iron skeleton under all our ideas of free will. Unless you’re willing to take the pipe or eat the gun or take a long walk off a short dock, you can’t say no to some things. You can’t refuse to pick up your option because there is no option.”― Stephen King

Let me point out 2 things:

  • It has been fun with this new guy. I will call him The Swiss.  We will probably end up meeting at some point but I don’t think he will be the One in the long run.  We already had some miscommunications over texts because he was under the impression that I didn’t want to meet in person.  I have no idea how he came up with that.  Some of the smartest men make the dumbest assumptions out of nothing. The worst part is not asking questions to understand the situation correctly. That point has been addressed though.

Now we need to figure out when and where to meet.  He lives in NJ, it can take anywhere from over 1 hr to 2 hrs to get to.  And then there is COVID, which seems be getting worst again in some.  We shall see what we come up with.

For some reason I am not too concerned about meeting him at this point.  We have slowed the texting down to only a couple a day, and I prefer that for now.

“I had deceived myself. I will not deceive myself again. I have worn many masks and will wear them no more.”― David Rae,  Crowman

  • I saw his message as a sign, not because I think he is the One. On the contrary, I took this guy showing up as a sign that there are plenty of potential Ones right there.  I think it was the Universe showing me that I don’t need to get stuck on any one, no matter how amazing they seem to be. There are tons of even more amazing guys out there.

If he is not right for me, he is not right for me period.  I need to stop trying to make  some men into the perfect vision I have of them.  I need to stop trying to turn cubic zirconia into a diamond.

The right one for me needs to feel great all around right.   He needs to… oops I just realized that I was going to start to describing the perfect person for me. I don’t want to do that now, but I think it will be fun for a future post.  It will be fun to see how completely opposite the person I end up with really is. 🙂

And, just today some other interesting guy just showed up. I am not going to give him my phone number yet, but I am curious.

“Never stop dreaming,
never stop believing,
never give up,
never stop trying, and
never stop learning.”
― Roy T. Bennett

Reality or Illusion? Sometimes only time can tell

21 Wednesday Oct 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

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I am not sure where this cartoon is from but it hit home so I wanted to share.

For the non-Portuguese speakers,  the heart is telling the brain: You are wrong! It is chocolate ice-cream.

Have you noticed that the heart has band-aids on from being hurt before. And the fake ice cream has flies buzzing around to warn us to its true identity.  And still we fall for it.  We ignore our hurts. We dismiss the red flags: oh, those are not flies, they are bees flying around because he is so sweet, we tell ourselves and whoever try to warn us.

How true is that?  I have been guilty of seeing more than what it is very often.  Some people come in such nice shining packages that it takes awhile to get to the rotten core.

“Here too it’s masquerade, I find:
As everywhere, the dance of mind.
I grasped a lovely masked procession,
And caught things from a horror show…
I’d gladly settle for a false impression,
If it would last a little longer, though.”
― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I often don’t see the person I see the potential.

Case in point:  

A.-The Renter . The last I mentioned to you guys was that we were making plans to meet. At the moment I wrote that I was giddy with joy.

Let me remind you of who he is.   He works for a Federal Government Department.  He is single with a daughter in college. He is polite, smart, accomplished, funny, etc.  Prior to COVID he got a big promotion that has him moving from California to NY. 

I was able to confirm all of that has said to me, even the promotion since is a matter of public record.

“There is an optical illusion about every person we meet.”― Ralph Waldo Emerson

We have been exchanging messages and calls for months.  I probably didn’t speak much about him here because I didn’t want to jinx it, but he seemed so perfect for me.

In the beginning we were communicating daily.  He would call me to get my opinion about the apartments that he was looking to rent, neighborhoods in Manhattan, about how much rent to offer, should he buy vs rent, etc.

I felt included in the process.  Meeting him and getting along seemed like a done deal, just a matter of time.  He felt the same way.  For the record he wanted to do video calls, but I had no interest in that in the beginning, so we never did.

Then I noticed a spacing out in calls and texts. The heart, the gut knows.   I asked him about it.  I asked if he had perhaps found someone else to keep him busy.  “You are the only one” he said.   He added that he was very busy with this new position as he has to oversee various teams, give presentations, among other time demanding functions. 

“That’s the whole burden of this novel – the loss of those illusions that give such color to the world that you don’t care whether things are true or false as long as they partake of the magical glory.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald

After that conversation things got a tad better but not much.  Then one day he mentioned that he had a trip scheduled to Cabo San Lucas that had been planned many months in advance.  He has a time share there at Solaz, a very expensive resort. He went on and on on how amazing this place is. It would be for November 2 thought the 9th.  

He asked me if I wanted to join him.  

COVID, what COVID? I said yes!  I didn’t even think about it.  I wanted to meet him already, and if that is done in a paradise location even better.

I realize the craziness of it all but I am dying for a vacation, anywhere.  And I would finally meet him and see if we had chemistry.  We seemed to have but he seemed to be shy and reserved so even after months on the phone I couldn’t tell either way.  Our conversations never turned too flirty. I could picture him blushing anytime time I said anything flirty.

Then he went one step ahead and said my sister was welcome to come as there was plenty of room in this suite and perhaps I would feel more comfortable.  I loved that he said that.

“It is far harder to kill a phantom than a reality.”― Virginia Woolf

The following day, as I am in full vacation planning mood, I realized that my passport is going to expire April 1, 2021.   Some countries and some airlines don’t allow you to fly with less than 6 months left on the passport. After I Googled like crazy, I decided to chance it because there is no way I would get my passport back in time if I sent it to be renewed.

Next was the airline ticket.  I fly Delta whenever possible, especially in this case because I was afraid of the passport issue I wanted to make sure to fly Delta.  There was no direct flight and prices were going up rapidly.  I needed to coordinate with him to make sure timing to get, etc.

“A great deal of intelligence can be invested in ignorance when the need for illusion is deep.” ― Saul Bellow

I sent him a message to let me know when he was free to speak. He ignored it.  That is also after ignoring a text I sent the day before mentioning my sister couldn’t go.  Later I opened Match and he is there.  For the record, I don’t have a problem with him being on the app, I have a problem with him having the time to be there and ignoring my text.  I sent him a message there.  He gave me some bs that he would call me the next day because his phone was dead and the iPad was not that great.  I said ok.

The next day I woke up conflicted.  I so wanted to believe in all I thought he could be. I wanted to hold on to the potential. I wanted him to be chocolate ice-cream.  I asked God, the Universe, the Light, my heart, to send me a sign, anything. 

What do I do? Do I go or do I pass this up?  I knew I was going to need an answer by the time I talked to him.  That is, if he called… 

“Again I see you, But me I don’t see!, The magical mirror in which I saw myself has been broken, And only a piece of me I see in each fatal fragment – Only a piece of you and me!…” ― Fernando Pessoa

To be continued on the next post…

Superwoman has a shiner and is ready to shine

17 Saturday Oct 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me, Food

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“My past is everything I failed to be.” ― Fernando Pessoa, The Book of Disquiet

This morning I woke up with a shiner.  I am a star,  so I shine, but that is not the type of shining I am talking about.  And no, I didn’t wake up next to someone that was so amazing that he shined, or is it shone? 

Anyway, I am talking about the shiner that you get when someone punches you on the eye.  There is no pain or itching, just redness below the eye.

I Googled and found out I have an allergy shiner.  I had never heard of such a thing. The most common cause is nasal congestion due to some kind of allergen, which remains to be identified.    

It could be anything.  It could be the new rug that I got one week ago today. I never got my floors finished. It was getting me so stressed that I put all the flooring material in my storage for now and got this rug that covers the entire floor.   

“I take pleasure in my transformations. I look quiet and consistent, but few know how many women there are in me.”― Anais Nin

A doctor mentioned that nasal congestion could also be the cause for my vertigo, so perhaps I do have a real nasal congestion issue, even though I don’t feel it. 

Coincidently this week I started a regimen to detoxify my liver as I though it was the culprit.  This new routine has been hardcore for me.  I am looking to detoxify my body and create better eating habits.    

The worst part has been changing my eating habits.  I mostly eat whatever I wanted when I wanted, always with moderation.  Food has always been a source of pleasure and a show of love in my family. Sugar, a forever pacifier.

“A self is not something static, tied up in a pretty parcel and handed to the child, finished and complete. A self is always becoming.” ― Madeleine L’Engle, A Circle of Quiet

That way of eating may have been fine when I was 24, and perhaps 34 and 44 also, but now at 54 I realize I need a serious change. Now my metabolism is slower and certain foods affect me differently.

Now it is time to finally look at food as fuel.  As I struggled with vertigo in the recent past, and hives forever, among other ailments, how I treat my body has become increasingly important. I need to be nice to my body so my body in turn can be nice to me for many years to come. Not to mention that in my small immediate family of 5, my parents and my brother are diabetics.  Diabetes seems like a certainty if I don’t change things now.

I want to be and become the best I can be in all senses.  I am capable of more. I am starting with my body.  There is not much I can control, but I can choose how I treat my body and what I eat.

“I have laughed, in bitterness and agony of heart, at the contrast between what I seem and what I am!” ― Nathaniel Hawthorne

I figure that this detox may improve not only my health but the body I see when I look in the mirror.  At this moment I see a body that it is not where it should be.  My body is amazing and I am so grateful for it, but I am not being kind to it.  I do plan on getting naked in front of someone again some day 🙂 hopefully very soon…

All I did this week and plan on doing for a total of 3 weeks is a lot for me and not sustainable for a long period of time.  I plan on finding a more doable routine and keep it as a way of life.  It is not reasonable for me to think that I can totally give up certain foods and follow certain routines on daily basis. 

My plan is to follow this plan for 3 weeks Mon-Fri and on weekends relax a little and have a little bread.  Then slowly develop a more sustainable forever plan for me.  

Even though it is hard to recognize that I need to change, it feels good to embark on this road of betterment.

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” ― Carl R. Rogers

This is what I have been doing for the past 5 days:

  1. No sugar, no carbs.  This is a huge one for me.  I love sweets and baked goods so much. No to have my daily bread and butter is torture. I am incredibly  proud of following through with it.  
  2. More water. I often forget about liquids. I set the alarm on my phone for every hour as a reminder to get up from my desk for a walk and a glass of water.
  3. Less salt. I am learning that I don’t need to always add that extra pinch of salt.
  4. More physical activity.  The gym in my building is closed and I am still not comfortable going to the Planet Fitness,  so I am trying to walk more and do more exercises at home.  I cannot decide on the perfect elliptical to buy.  The perfect one would be a combination of quiet, small and affordable. Until then I bought a Stamina InMotion Elliptical trainer to put under my desk at work.  It is arriving this week.  
  5. Sauna.  Since I cannot go to a sauna because of COVID, the sauna came to me.  I got a sauna blanket.  I have the HigherDose one. 
  6. Meditate.  I struggle with quieting my mind. For now I do it while in my sauna blanket.  I put some meditation music on,  close my eyes and tell my body to ignore that “too hot” sensation.  I often recite the Ho’opnopono prayer. It goes like this: “I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you.”
  7. Coffee Enema. I realize this one is controversial but my research tells me that it will help, so I need to try.  I also have spoken about this with my friend that is a naturopathy doctor and he agrees with me. 
  8. Getting more sleep.  I am trying to go to bed earlier. (I did everyday except one, that I was texting with one guy until midnight – I am going to write about it)
  9. Take Milk Thistle Dandelion.  On the bottle of this supplement it reads “Love for your liver”.  I am also taking other supplements and vitamins, as I mentioned on prior posts.
  10. Dry Brushing skin. It is for exfoliation and stimulation.  Before every shower I brush my entire body starting with the feet. I apply less force to sensitive areas such as the face.
  11. Oil Pulling.  Switching oil around in my mouth for at least 10 minutes.  I use coconut oil.  I have been doing this on and off for awhile. I think that has improved my gums.  My dentist agrees.  Well, what he said was: ” keep doing whatever you are doing – it is working”. For now, a surgery that the dentist was sure I needed has been postponed indefinitely and hopefully I will be able to avoid it altogether. 
  12. Tongue scraping.  In the past I used it a couple of times at night to remove bacteria.  Now I do it every morning when I get up to also remove toxins deposited on the tongue during the night. Now I am using a spoon until a new tongue scraper I bought arrives.

“The sky is not my limit…I am.” ― T.F. Hodge, From Within I Rise  

Disclaimer: ” Please note that all that I am doing is not in any way a recommendation or suggestion for you to do it.  These are things I wanted to try and carefully researched them.  Please do your research and consult your doctor, specially if you have any kind of health issue.”

“Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.” ― Jim Rohn

Todays is only my 6th day, but here is what I noticed so far:

  1. I already lost a few pounds.  I am trying not to focus on the scale, but seeing the numbers go down is an incentive.  
  2. I haven’t slept well the last couple of nights, but that could have something to do with the allergy issues.
  3. No change in my skin, but I was blessed with good skin anyway.
  4. I have more energy.
  5. Emotionally wise I am feeling like a million dollars. 

“Beyond myself, somewhere,
I wait for my arrival.” ― Octavio Paz

 

 

 

A tray in a sea of tables and other pursuits

15 Thursday Oct 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me, Mosaic and other crafts, travels

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“Do not think of todays failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow.” ― Helen Keller

To prove I am not a mosaic one-trick-pony, here is a tray I just finished 🙂

I forgot to take pictures from the beginning.  I was too engrossed into already planning my next table (truth).

I am really getting into a good routine with mosaics.  I go to the studio every Saturday or Sunday for a couple of hours.  It feels great to pursue one of my passions, and not just do it once in a blue moon.  

“We can do anything we want as long as we stick to it long enough.” ― Hellen Keller

Now I need to tackle learning French and skiing.

French – I start teaching myself every few months.  I guess what I really need is to make sure to stay the course.  Every time is like starting over when I really should be fluent by now.  

“There are no shortcuts to any place worth going” ― Helen Keller

Skiing – This one requires more effort.  Not only it requires more money and planning it requires me to let go of the fear of speed.  The moment I pick up any speed I panic.  I need many more miles under my skis to hopefully get more comfortable.

Now with Covid everything became even more difficult.  Who knows when I will have a chance to go again.  I want to book a trip but all is so uncertain that I think I will wait awhile longer.

But I am not giving up.  I will be perfectly comfortable skiing blues one day.  Mark my words! 🙂

“Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them; but do not let them master you. Let them teach you patience, sweetness, insight.”― Helen Keller

Second Date? What second date?

13 Tuesday Oct 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”― Rumi

The Saturday night dinner never happened.

Why?
Your guess is as good as mine.

He never called or texted. On Friday night I sent him a text. He never replied. Not an excuse or explanation. Nothing. Just silence.

I cannot say I am shocked. When it comes to dating nothing shocks me anymore.

I am baffled and perplexed. I am also curious. And sad, happy and grateful.

Why would he ask me out if he had no intention of following through with it. He went on and on about taking me to dinner Saturday night. Why?

Why ignore my text? Why not reply something like: I am busy or I have to work, or I changed my mind, anything…

What should I learn from this? According to Rumi everything is a lesson and everyone is a teacher. What is the lesson here? Perhaps in this case there was no lesson, there was only a grapefruit martini that was divine and I hope to have it again.

“This being human is a guest house. Every morning is a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor…Welcome and entertain them all. Treat each guest honorably. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”― Rumi

If he changed his mind, which I have been often guilty of, why not say so? Why act like an immature person and hide? I have zero respect for ghosts. This is ghosting, right? This disappearing act.

I am sad that people behave in such way when there is absolutely no reason for it. On the first date we talked about being respectful and preserving other’s feelings. We talked about honesty and integrity.  All talk I guess.

I am happy that I no longer need to know the reasons behind people’s actions. I just accept and move on. He acted like a jerk. End of story.

“Be like the sun for grace and mercy. Be like the night to cover others’ faults. Be like running water for generosity. Be like death for rage and anger. Be like the Earth for modesty. Appear as you are. Be as you appear.” ― Rumi

I am grateful! Grateful that he showed me who he is right away. No energy was wasted.

Any time something like this happens I always think that is the work of my always alert guardian angels. This person was not for me, not even as a friend and my very efficient angels quickly removed him from my life. How much more blessed can a person be?

No harm done. There will always be jerks and I can’t always spot them.  Still, I am not discouraged.  I am still going to get excited about dates and potential dates.

And on that note, A.-The Renter and I are back on track. I had ignored his last text because I was not happy with his lack of communication. On Saturday, about the time I would have been on that date that didn’t happened, he called.

He again explained how busy he is because of the promotion. I don’t think he will ever be the communicator I want but at this point I am still excited about the potential. I want to meet face to face before I make any decision. We are making plans to meet in 3 weeks. I will say more when the time comes.

“Ignore those that make you fearful and sad, that degrade you back towards disease and death.”― Rumi

My ever loving sweet enemy: Sugar

24 Thursday Sep 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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The vertigo came back again.  I spent a couple of days last week barely functioning.  I started taking Claritin and Cocculus Indicus again.  Happily, most of the symptoms were gone in 2 days. 

I discovered a couple of things:

  1. Sleeping on my left side helps immensely to alleviate the symptoms.  So, no more sleeping on my back or on my right side.

2. Sugar exacerbates or perhaps even causes the vertigo.  The last 2 times I woke up with vertigo I remember having had lots of sugar the night before, in the form of ice cream and cake. 

No surprise discovery here.  Sugar doesn’t help anything.  Sugar feeds any kind of body inflammation and only wreaks havoc on the body.

Sugar and I have a long love/hate relationship.  I love it and it hates me.  Not only sugar, but carbs.  I am not talking about the naturally occurring sugar.  I am talking about all the refined ones that do not add anything good to my body.  But it tastes so good!

Back in 2012 I was already writing about this dysfunctional relationship.  https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2012/07/21/is-sugar-my-new-ex-am-i-looking-for-love-in-desserts/

12 years have gone by and I still have not done anything about it.  That is embarrassing. Why can’t I stop going to sugar on every occasion, happy, sad, indifferent…

At times I think that sugar and I can co-exist in peace.  I think I can just have a little bit on the weekends.  That peaceful existence lasts awhile, but then one day, out of the blue I just give in.  All of a sudden sugar has me again.

What is up with this emotional hunger? 

Baby steps… recognizing I have a problem, yet again, is the first step.  That is all I have.  No solutions.

 

I Want a Little Sugar in My Bowl – Nina Simone

I want a little sugar in my bowl
I want a little sweetness down in my soul
I could stand some lovin’, oh so bad
Feel so funny, I feel so sad
I want a little steam on my clothes
Maybe I could fix things up so they’ll go
What’s the matter daddy, come on, save my soul
I need some sugar in my bowl, I ain’t foolin’
I want some sugar in my bowl
You been acting different I’ve been told
Soothe me, I want some sugar in my bowl
I want a little steam on my clothes
Maybe I can fix things up so they’ll go
What’s the matter daddy, come on, save my soul
I want some sugar in my bowl, I ain’t foolin’
I want some sugar
In my bowl

the dating continues…

04 Friday Sep 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” ― Carl Gustav Jung

Since G, the insecure personal trainer, has become history there has been a few guys that I had been speaking to and  2 that I met.  

I met F – The Widower.  We first started speaking 1 year ago on POF. He kept asking for additional pictures.  I felt I had plenty on my profile and refused to sent to him.  He kept insisting, I got annoyed and decided that I didn’t want to meet him at all.  After meeting again on Match I finally gave in and met him for a drink.  He drove 1 hour,  I took literally 30 steps to the Italian restaurant next to my apartment.  That was the extent of effort I was willing to put into this date and he knew it.

It was a friendly meeting.  He talked a lot about his late wife who died 10 years ago, and apparently became a saint.  No one can and wants to compete with a saint.  He wants to go out again. I am interested in friendship only.

“We have to recognise that there cannot be relationships unless there is commitment, unless there is loyalty, unless there is love, patience, persistence.” ― Cornel West

I met T – The Client.  We met on Match and realized that we were in the same industry and that he was actually a former customer.  Since he is no longer a customer I decided to meet up.

Since we were meeting at a Brazilian restaurant next door to my sister’s job on 46th Street in Manhattan my sister joined us half way through the date. It was a lot fun.  There was a lot laughing.

We had passion fruit and lime caipirinhas and had some yummy skirt steak with rice, beans and yucca fries. We also had cheese bread and some other appetizers. We took home chocolate and coconut fudge balls.  Those little desserts are so delicious!

Since I brought my sister along, I insisted on paying half. He didn’t want to agree but I beat him to the check and made sure to pay half.  He insisted on walking us to the train station.  We kept in touch and will meet again but I am not sure there were romance vibes for me.

“Never marry at all, Dorian. Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.” ― Oscar Wilde,  The Picture of Dorian Gray

I am currently talking to a few guys but 2 seem interesting enough to text/talk so I gave them my number:

M-the Neighbor.  We realized the we live just a couple of blocks away from each other.  The other day I waved to him when I was walking home from work.  He doesn’t know where exactly where I live.  We will be meeting one of these days.  So far we are having trouble coming up with a time.  It will probably happen some time next week.  We haven’t spoken a lot, mostly exchange a few texts here and there, but he seems like a good guy.

A-the Renter.  We have been speaking for 1 month.  He currently lives in California but is moving to Manhattan in the next few weeks.  I am calling him The Renter because 80% of our conversations are about the rental market in Manhattan.  He has been back and forth from CA but because of COVID quarantine requirements we haven’t met yet.

At this point it seems neither of us are in a hurry to meet.  I normally like to meet right away, the longer one talks without meeting there is the change of creating a false sense of intimacy and thinking there is more connection than there is. There is also a bigger potential for miscommunication.

“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures bristling with prejudice and motivated by pride and vanity.” ― Dale Carnegie

A few days ago I detected a change.  A text went unanswered and later he said something about not feeling well and going to bed earlier.  A perfectly plausible excuse, but that is not what my gut is telling me.  The texting and calls decreased, and so did my interest.  But I still think we can meet and be friends.

I want to meet someone and be transformed.  Not because he is making me better, or I am making him better, but because we can no longer imagine a time when we weren’t in each other’s lives. I want the love that emboldens and strengthens us and make us want to conquer the world.  So I search and search…

“Even if you cannot change all the people around you, you can change the people you choose to be around. Life is too short to waste your time on people who don’t respect, appreciate, and value you. Spend your life with people who make you smile, laugh, and feel loved.” ― Roy T. Bennett