Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

Loving the search

08 Tuesday Aug 2017

Posted by in Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

“You can be in love and you can be in a relationship. But they’re not always the same thing.” ― pleasefindthis (Iain S. Thomas) 

Am I becoming one of those people that swear off of relationships forever? Not that there is anything wrong with that!  I do want a relationship.  I like the idea that I still believe in love and that I am searching for my fairy-tale, for my Prince Charming.

Still often I seem to be finding excuses not to get involved in one.  Any time I meet someone that seems a little promising I immediately get in the “let me find something wrong with him” mode.

Sometimes there is really something wrong with him, but often I just pick at stupid things. I went on a second date with a guy the other night and when he walked me to my car he started telling me a story. He was speaking so loudly that I am sure people passing by thought he was arguing with me. I am Brazilian, we are not known for speaking softly, and still I dismiss someone for speaking loud. The same goes for the guy that I dismissed because he touched his food with his hands. I touch my food with my hands all the time.

Of course there are the times that I like them and they don’t like me.  In those instances I wonder if I just like them because they don’t seem interested in me?

What is happening here?  Am I being too pick or am I just being specific about what I want and don’t want?

Perhaps they are simply not the right person yet and I am just terrified of settling for the wrong person.  What if I settle for someone almost perfect for me and then the perfect one arrives?

I am saying “perfect for me” and not “perfect”. Not only perfection doesn’t exist, if it did it would be extremely boring and stressful trying to keep up with it.

Another possibility is that, even though I am searching for someone,  I don’t really want anyone.  I feel I am very open and easily let people in, but perhaps that is just not the case at all. My openness is just camouflage for my guarded heart.

Being alone is safe.  Opening up and letting others in not so much.  This blog was born out of the pain from the last time I really let someone in and even though I love my blog I do not want that pain again.

Perhaps still I am just having too much fun searching and don’t want to give that up?  I am enjoying being single and going on many blind dates.  I am fascinated by all the different types of people I meet.  Am I becoming a player?

I like the search, the discovery, the what-if, the process.  I like the idea of being in love, but perhaps I just don’t want to “fall” in love.  If happiness is a journey and not a destination I dare say that I am perfectly content on dating the rest of my life.

Yet, with all of that being said I am considering taking a one month break from online dating and returning later with fresher eyes.  Perhaps this online dating has become a game, or just entertainment. Maybe I am not taking things seriously or perhaps I am being too serious about it.

I also noticed that I am neglecting other aspects of my life. I haven’t had much free time lately, and a lot of the little time I have is spent on online dating.  I am neglecting my writing on this blog to write countless emails to countless potential dates.  I have to change things and prioritize me and what is important to me.  I think that I need to take a quick vacation from online dating.

But before I do I am going on a last date tomorrow night.


“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” ― Marcel Proust

Be nice and say good bye, don’t just disappear!

21 Friday Jul 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

“My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.” – Michael J. Fox

I struggle.  I struggle with not having answers. I need them! I want them!

I struggle with not having good byes.  I struggle with disappearing acts. I struggle with ghosting. Why would someone just fade without a reason?

I don’t want to force people to stay.  I want them to leave if they feel the need to leave.  Stay or go, just tell me what you are doing and I will wish you luck.

It is not the leaving, it is how the leaving is done. It is sudden and unexpected. And in as much it is sudden it is also slow and painful.  The days drag on and you wonder if this is really the end or is the person going to surface and just say they were busy with work, their dog died, they had amnesia, etc.

Ghosting is not only not fair, it is also cruel!  It doesn’t matter how much I have learned, grown and evolved I still need and want answers.  It doesn’t matter how much I don’t care about the person or if they are actually doing me a favor by disappearing, I still want answers.

Disappearance is such a cowardly act. Why not just say good bye?  Why not come up with some excuse if you cannot reveal the truth?  The curiosity gnaws at me.  I want to know why people just disappear.  Is it just easier?

What would happen if everyone in the dating world told the truth, no matter how inconsequential or painful?  Or even better, what if everyone were to become a little bit more honest with everyone in every dealing?  Would we have a better world or chaos?  More harmony or more hurt feelings?

As you can see I am still looking for answers from that “wonderful” man I met.  For a while I still thought he would return and give me a perfect reason for why he disappeared.  It didn’t happen.  Whatever it is I already accepted it as being what is best for me.  It is the Universe conspiring to remove from my life whatever doesn’t belong in it.  Still, having some kind of good bye, rhyme or reason would make things more palatable.

Is “accepting” being able to accept without question?  If that is the case then I still have more leaning to do in “acceptance”.  I accept amidst the struggle.

So, moving on, I have a dilemma that it is somehow related and yet it is not.  It is about volunteering the truth when no one has asked my opinion.  It about dispensing constructive criticism when none was requested.  When to say something and when to keep it to myself?

I went on a date last week with a man that was very nice, but as usual there were no fireworks. He wanted to see me again and I politely declined.  Not only there was no chemistry I also didn’t like how needy he seemed to be.  Anyway, the whole point here is that I think he needs to see a dentist.

His teeth were black in some areas. And when I say black I don’t mean yellow or discolored I mean really black as if rotting. He said he didn’t smoke so I am not sure the cause of it.  I have to point out that I don’t have perfect teeth. I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars in every kind of dental procedure you can think of, none of it cosmetic.  I have done gum graphs, bone graphs, implants, etc, so I am not about to judge someone on the perfection of their teeth.  Also I appreciate imperfection and I refuse to close the small gap in my front teeth to just confirm with everyone’s ideal. But in this case, his case, having blackened teeth sends the message of lack of cleaning.

I think his life, dating and otherwise, would improve drastically if he visited a dentist.  I know he has the means to do it.  The first thing you notice about anyone is normally their smile and once first impression has set in it is hard to change that.  Do I tell him that or do I keep that to myself?  After all he has a mirror and I cannot imagine him not being aware of it.

“By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.” – Confucius

Facing the one that broke my heart

07 Friday Jul 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, out of the blue, my Ex (the one that broke my heart and got this blog started) emailed me wanting to buy my car.  I would normally ignore him but the idea of returning the car to the original owner and therefore really closing the door on the past seemed attractive and poetic.

I asked him to make an offer.  He offered $5,000.00 for a car that is worth between $15,000.00 and $18,000.00.  The low offer didn’t bother me as much as what he wrote in the email. He made it seem he gave me the car out of the goodness of his heart.  He also mentioned that I have been successful while he hasn’t done so well as if in a way I owe him something because of that.

First, he gave me the car because at that point he would have given anything to have me gone from his home and life.  He knew I had sold my car to move in with him since he had plenty of cars and I wouldn’t need mine anymore.  It was also perhaps a bit out of guilt, but somehow I doubt he is able to have such feelings.  Second, I work hard and whatever I have are the fruits of my labor.  His life hasn’t been so well since I left not because of me or because of the unfairness of life, but because of his own actions.  He is reaping what he sowed.

I don’t take any pleasure out of his life taking a bad turn.  In a way I am grateful I am no longer there to witness it and be involved in it.  Once, after the break up he said that he was not the man I needed him to be and that life would become a mess and it would better for me not to be there.  It makes some sense now.

After I got over the anger over the email I decided to accept the $5,000.00 and move on.

I was not looking forward to seeing him at all but it had to be done.  I just wanted to get things over with.  He had asked if I wanted to go to dinner to talk about the car and I had declined.  We met Friday afternoon at the parking lot where I had the car parked.

Seeing him at first was underwhelming.  He reached in for a hug and kiss and I just said hello.  Again, he mentioned going to a restaurant and again I declined, so we walked over to a ledge on the lot and proceeded to complete the paperwork.

I mentioned a couple of things about the car and gave me him the Carfax report.  He asked me how I was doing and I said ok.  Later he asked me again and I said:  What do you care?  He said:  I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t care.  I let that go.

After he gave me the money and we signed all the paperwork, he wanted to give me a ride back home, I declined.  I said bye and he reached out to kiss me and hug me good bye.

I wished I had just walked away, but words came spilling out:  “We are not friends. You don’t understand, some wounds never heal.  You have lost someone that loved you very much.  We had the world and you threw it all away.  How could you do it?”

At that moment I could feel my eyes burning.  I had dark sunglasses on and I wanted to run away before he could tell I was crying.  I looked at him and he had tears running down his face.  He said: I love you.  I don’t remember what I said but I think was something like good luck or good bye and I walked away without looking back with tears running down my face.

I am not sure the origin of those tears.  Perhaps it was relief, or anger.  It was definitely not love or want or anything resembling that.  It was not wanting to have the past back or him in my future.  It was cleansing, it was clearing, it was a turning point.

Now days later he has emailed me a couple of times to ask things about the car.  Surprisingly enough I have been able to have a conversation with him and not feel anything.

I will have to see him again to give him the stand for the hard top as it didn’t fit in the car and he has to come back and get it.   Again he is mentioning going out to dinner and catch up.

It is crazy, but in a way I wish I could go.  I wish I could be his friend.  I wish he had acknowledged betraying and hurting me.  I wish he had said sorry.  I wish we could sit and talk.  If he only knew how easy it would be, all it would take was for him to say 3 little words: I am sorry.

For now I still feel gratitude to him.  Gratitude for the great times.  Gratitude for the lessons.  Gratitude for the pain that made me start this blog. Gratitude for being spared involvement in a financial mess.  Gratitude for making me realize how amazing and deserving of more I am.  Gratitude for being free and able to date and do whatever I want.

Thank you!

“Closing The Cycle

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.” 

-Paulo Coelho

 

From magic to mist, from all to nothing

02 Sunday Jul 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , ,

“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” – Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Well, well, well, to say I am shocked is an understatement.
Mr Perfect for me disappeared. I am shocked! Yeah I am going to keep repeating that as this whole thing  is just so insane.

I was willing to bet this would become something long-lasting. I even hid my profile on Plenty of Fish, which I have never done before. I really had no interest in speaking to anybody else.

Let me start at the beginning.  We met on Plenty of Fish and started exchanging messages.  We had a lot in common, including our love of skiing.  He was very open and forthcoming with personal information that I was able to verify. For the first time I didn’t have to waste time researching and Googling someone, he volunteered it all.

After messaging on the site we moved on to texting and talking on the phone. He wanted to meet right away, which I normally prefer but because my friend was still in town we had to wait.

Even before the first date he had already invited me to July 4th weekend at his house on the beach and on August 12 for a clambake. I decline the July 4th invitation and said August 12 would probably work.

He also invited me to a charity sunset cruise where I would meet his friends but I was busy with my sister and my friend on that even and also declined.

Everything about him seemed perfect for me. We had the same views on most topics. Chemistry on the phone was out of control, we talked for hours.

He felt the same way about me, it was not like we were in love or anything, it was the fact that we both thought there was potential here.  For the first time ever it seemed I met a guy that talks about his feelings without games.  He is not afraid of “too much too soon”.  Like me he is all or nothing, tell it like it is person.

Finally the day of the date arrives and we hit it off immediately. He apologized for being absent from texting that day but explained that he is facing a couple of major deadlines.

He brought me chocolates that he had a friend send directly from Belgium because buying online wouldn’t be the same.  How can I not fall for that?

During dinner there was not a single awkward moment. We talked about everything.  There was a lot flirting, holding hand, giggling.  The best date ever!  After dinner he walked me to the front door of my building and asked me if he could come up and meet my sister. I said no and explained that she would want to be ready and not surprised.   He was okay with that.

He texted me when he got home saying that the date had ended too soon and asking if I would go on a second date. I said yes. We actually already had a second date already scheduled. When we were speaking on the phone we decided that we would go on a date every Thursday night.  After a couple of flirty texts we said good night as usual.

“God turns you from one feeling to another and teaches by means of opposites so that you will have two wings to fly, not one” – Jalauddin Rumi

The next day, Wednesday,  arrives and he is uncharacteristically quiet, to which I attributed to a lot work to do and getting ready to a business dinner with some foreign people. He texted late in the day saying he was leaving the office to go to the dinner. Almost 2 hours later he texted saying that he had no energy from from antihistamine he had taken the night before. I replied and asked if he was still at dinner. There was no reply but I fully expected to hear from him later on asking to talk on the phone. That text never came.

Thursday came and I still had no idea if I was meeting him that night or not.  Actually, I  had a pretty good idea that there would be no date.  The silence was a very loud no. This silence was totally out of character for him, but because of work I still didn’t want to assume anything.

I texted him and said:  “I think you are extremely busy so I don’t want to disturb you.  I was looking forward to seeing you tonight but if you need to cancel it is okay.  Thinking of you.”  He replied: “I have an issue at work I have to fly to DC tomorrow.  I will call you tonight.”

That call never came.  Friday came and went and not a word from him.  Then on Saturday night (yesterday) I texted him and said: “Are you okay?  I am worried.”  Perhaps worried was not the right word.  I was more curious and confused.  He texted back right away and said that there was an Amtrak accident in Washington where 2 people died and 1 got hurt and that his company was involved in and he had to deal with it.  He also sent me the link to the newspaper report.

I am still confused.  If that was the case why couldn’t he have written and said that he couldn’t get in touch for a few days or something like that?  Is he using the accident as an excuse because he is not interested? Why not just say so?

And nothing else after that text.  No, “lets plan to meet when things come down”, no “I am sorry I have been silent”, no ” Please be patient”.  Not another word!

I am lost.  Everything he said, everything he did before, during and immediately after the date pointed to someone that was as interested as I was.  The trips we would take, the future dates, everything appeared so real, possible and exactly as I once envisioned.

I even told him once that he was not real; that I had dreamed him up. I guess I did!

I am glad I texted him last night but I am not doing it again.  To me this is so hard to understand because all we spoke about honesty and communication.  We spoke so much about being hurt before. He was also cheated on.  We extolled the virtuous of honesty, integrity and communication.  Silence is something I would never expect from him.

I am not new at online dating, as you know. I consider myself pretty savvy, but have I just been played? To what end?

“We often confuse what we wish for with what is.” – Neil Gaiman

Is there a lesson here?  There is always a lesson, but frankly I am stumped.

Shouldn’t I be so forward and so honest next time someone says all the right words? Should I be less accessible and more challenging?  Should I be more mysterious and hard to read?  After all doesn’t people like what is more difficult to get?

There is a lesson here but I don’t know what it is, but changing myself and the way I act it is not it.  I will continue to be honest, upfront, and tell it like it is.  I will continue to tell people what I need and want and not expect them to read my mind.

And why am I looking for a lesson as if looking for something I did wrong and need to change?  I did nothing wrong.  I was myself!  The right man will appreciate it, respect it, want it, embrace it.  This just means he is not the right man yet.

Am I mad? Sad? Disappointed? All and none of it.  I am, more than anything, confused. I am a person that needs answers and don’t like things unresolved.  I crave to understand human beings and their exchanges, specially men that come into my life.

I can see a silver lining.  I feel this disappearance could be the work of my guardian angels removing someone from my life that would have not been good to me.  Showing me someone’s true colors before I am way in.  Everything he could be telling could be the truth still I think I deserved a little more information.

I don’t regret the long conversations we had, the kisses, the hope, how he made me feel special and the feeling that this was special.  The whole exchange with him was romantic, magical and for a fleeting moment it made me feel validated.  And for that magical feeling I will continue to put myself out there and do it all over again.

For a second in time I saw this as poetic, as I was about to sever all ties with the ex-boyfriend I am meeting someone that seemed to be my future.  (By the way I met the ex on Friday afternoon for the first time in almost 5 years and will write all about that next)

Am I giving up online dating?  Absolutely not! I will never stop putting myself out there in the hopes of finding a partner.  He is out there so I will keep on looking.  Fakers, players and all other kinds will come my way but there will never deter me from my ultimate goal.

“Don’t be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible. Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen.” – George Saunders

 

While we wait…

30 Friday Jun 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , ,

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.  Delicious Ambiguity.”  – Gilda Radner

I am sorry to keep everyone in suspense, but I am in suspense also.  The brand new guy that seemed heaven-sent all of a sudden doesn’t seem like a sure thing anymore.  I am confused and not sure where things are going.  In the meantime,  while I wait one day to clarify things, I will entertain you with 2 other guys.

First is about the guy that I mentioned in a previous post that took my sister, my friend and me to lunch.  He was a perfect gentleman.  He was super sweet trying to speak Portuguese to my friend that doesn’t speak a word of English.  There was no romantic vibes for me but I thought about giving him a chance for his chivalry alone.

He was going to take a trip out of the country and before leaving he texted and asked me if I wanted chocolate, coffee or dulce de leche from that location and I said all of them.

While he was away I decided to check him out.  I would have done my research before meeting him the first time but because I was going to lunch in a public place and bringing my sister and friend with me I assumed there was no harm.  In my research (Facebook and Google) I see traces of what appears to be a wife or girlfriend in that country.  Often my suspicions are correct.

Now he is back saying he has treats for me and wanting to take me out to dinner.  By now I am really into this new guy and have no intentions of starting anything with anybody else, specially when I am not sure if he is even telling me the truth or not.  A part of me is interested in finding out if he is lying or not.

I mention to every guy that I meet (as conversation always goes that way) that I have been cheated on before and how painful that was.  It is incomprehensible to me that someone would still lie to me after that.  I am tempted to meet him and confront him with my findings.  But what for?

“What is suspicion? It is a tool to ruin one’s own Soul.”  – Dada Bhagwan

***

The second guy is a few years younger than me.  We have been exchanging emails and developed this great email relationship.  He is smart and funny, definitely someone that I would love to be friends with or perhaps more.

But… there seems to be always a but.  He has an eye problem that prevents him from driving and seeing correctly at night.  I know that it may seem like a pretty cold and lame excuse not to want date someone.   I know myself, I hate driving and eventually I would probably starting to resent him for doing all the driving.  He lives over 1 hour away.

I feel bad as it seems I am discriminating against someone with a disability.  How would I fee if I were in his shoes?  I really hate hurting anyone, but at the same time agreeing to meet and starting something just not to hurt someone doesn’t do anyone any favors and will probably do more damage than good in the end.

I have been upfront with him.  He understood it, but countered with “love conquers all”.   We are not in love and I question starting something up already knowing that the chips are stacked against us.  Since then our emails have taken just the friendship tone and if anything the friendship is flourishing.  He has become like a confidant.  Now I question if I am not hurting him by continuing to talk to him knowing that it is just friendship.  Most guys ignore that detail and think there is still a chance.

“A faithful friend is a strong defense; 
And he that hath found him hath found a treasure.” – Louisa May Alcott

Stay tuned for: 1) an Update on this amazing new guy that now has a question mark and 2) Meeting the ex-boyfriend after almost 5 years

 

Out with the Old, In with the New

28 Wednesday Jun 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

Sister: Things continue to be a tad crazy for me, with lots to do at work and adjusting to having my sister at home with me. I was unsettled having to live with my sister after 33 years living apart, but we are doing fine and becoming closer than ever.  I can’t wait to see what the future holds for her here in the USA.

The widower from previous posts: He disappeared. He mentioned being busy getting ready to send his daughter to camp in July, but I never heard from him again since a last text I sent on June 11.

He is still mourning his wife and not ready to move on. Perhaps the reason he disappeared was that he met someone else. I just wish people would be honest and just say something and not disappear.

The classic car: When the ex and I broke up (over 5 years ago) he gave me his 1987 560SL car since I had sold mine to move in with him. 

Now that I bought a new car I decided to sell that car even though I really loved it and wish I could keep it.  It is just not practical to pay storage fees and insurance on car I never use.

Yesterday I got an email from the ex. He must have heard from his mother that I am selling it and he asked to buy it back. At first I thought about ignoring it. Then I just replied: Make me an offer. It seemed fitting that it should go back to the original owner.

He replied with a stupid offer of $5,000.00. According to my mechanic the car is worth from $15,000 to 18,000.00. I would be okay with $10,000, which would cover all the repairs I had to make on the car. Even more infuriating than the low offer was the email. He went on and on about the fact that he gave me the car, making it seem he gave it to me out of the goodness of his heart when the truth is he just wanted me out of his life and would have done anything. And perhaps out of guilt for having cheated on me. He also mentioned that my life continued to be successful while his are in shambles. To tell him that one reaps what one sows would be stating the obvious.

I didn’t reply yet. My Mom and my sister both agreed that I should just give the car back and get rid of him and anything of his for good.  After I got over the anger I am actually leaning towards their suggestion.

Is it or isn’t it:  Sometimes there are major shifts in life and it seems my life is going through a major shift. I feel so much goodness in the air.  It seems like a time to get rid of the old, old clothes, old ideas, old energy and embrace the new.

At this exact moment in time someone came into my life that seems too perfect to be true. I am so excited that it is hard for me to keep level headed. I try to remind myself  that I have been excited over what turned out to be nothing in the past, but this seems so different, so right.  So, once again, here am I daring to believe, daring to dream.

My next post will be about him so stay tuned.

He sent me this poem by Goethe that I just love!

“Tell a wise person, or else keep silent,
because the mass man will mock it right away.
I praise what is truly alive,
what longs to be burned to death.

In the calm water of the love-nights,
where you were begotten, where you have begotten,
a strange feeling comes over you,
when you see the silent candle burning.

Now you are no longer caught
in the obsession with darkness,
and a desire for higher love-making
sweeps you upward.

Distance does not make you falter.
Now, arriving in magic, flying,
and finally, insane for the light,
you are the butterfly and you are gone.

And so long as you haven’t experienced 
this: to die and so to grow,
you are only a troubled guest
on the dark earth.”  – Johann Woldgang von Goethe

 

Fun, games and reality

19 Monday Jun 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

With my friend still in town, everything has been fun and games.
We went to see The Phantom of the Opera.  I have seen it over a dozen times but I still think that it is a must-see for tourists.   We walked the Brooklyn Bridge and took the ferry back to NY.  I want to go back and walk from Brooklyn to Manhattan at night.  We spent a couple of days in Mystic, CT and Westerly, RI. We enjoyed the casinos in Connecticut and had dinner at the Ocean House in Westerly.  It was wonderful!

There has been countless trips shopping and eating out.  In the meantime I am not paying any attention to exercise and healthy eating.  I know I need to snap out of this and find a middle ground but I also don’t want to pressure myself.    Right now I just go along with my sister and friend enjoying the sights, scenes and flavors of New York as if I haven’t been living here for the past 33 years.   They will not be here forever s

It is hard to be a good host and still put myself first.

“Be there for others, but never leave yourself behind.” – Dodinsky

In the meantime, my dating life continues slowly and steadily.  For some reason I still continue to think about the widower that I had great chemistry with.  He says that he is giving me space to spend time with my guests, but what I hear is: “I am not that interested”.  I already know that it will not work between us but something in me still wants him and doesn’t want to give up.  Perhaps the part of me that enjoys getting hurt in the name of love.

There is so much I would like to tell him if he could only stand a serious and deep conversation, as he puts it.

I want to say that I understand.  I understand being in pain.  I understand being unable to turn back the clock and get the past back.  I understand when people look at you and think that you should be over it by now and still you can’t.  All you want to do is crawl into a ball and hide.

I understand it and still I want to point out that he has choices.  He can continue to choose to feel like a victim or he can choose to move on.  He can choose to live or just exist.  The choice seems clear but sometimes we feel powerless to move.

Whatever he chooses to do or not to do I wish him well.

“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.” – Steve Maraboli

I had a date with an Ancient History teacher.  It was nice but no chemistry for me.  He asked me on a second date, I said yes but I haven’t scheduled anything yet.  I am not sure it is worth to waste his time if I already know I am not feeling it.

I had a date yesterday with a retired doctor.  He was so sweet.  He drove almost 2 hours to come and meet me for lunch.  The best part is that I got to bring my friend and my sister also. We had a great meal at a great restaurant. He was so gracious and funny, but I am not sure I felt any chemistry.  He texted a couple of times since yesterday and I am not sure what to do if he asks me on a second date.

“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.”  – E.E Cummings

What is so bad about being being positive?

07 Wednesday Jun 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

My sister arrived at the end of May with my best friend from High School. My friend will stay until the end of June and my sister will live here. So far things have been busy with shopping and sightseeing. Once my friend leaves then we will probably settle into some sort of routine. All is up in the air until she gets a job.
I am trying to adjust to this new normal. It is hard to go from living alone to living with your sister. It requires patience on both sides. We are, of course, both Aries, which makes this relationship even trickier. But love wins and we have plenty of that for each other.
***
Another day, another mouse. Yeah I had a dead one in the trap right near my desk…way too close for comfort. There is actually a gentleman here that gets them for me now, he comes in later so the mouse has to sit and wait for him. I don’t know what I will do if he takes a day off lol
At least I am finding humor in the situation.
Work has been tough lately. At times it feels that 17 years in the same job is long enough. At others I feel blessed I am employed. I guess there is no perfect job, but I am telling the Universe that I am ready for a change, for a challenge.
***
Since I have been very busy this year with guests at my home I barely had any time for dating, and even blogging.

The beer loving guy (from a couple of posts ago) asked me out on a third date and I actually had said yes. But the evening before we were scheduled to meet my mother was not well and I mentioned to him that I didn’t know if I would be able to meet. That evening we exchanged several texts as I was nervous about making sure my mom was okay and was glad to have someone outside of the situation to talk to. Much later that evening I wrote several texts and he never replied again and next day never inquired about my Mom or if I would be able to meet, so I just let that go. I already knew that going on a third date would have been a mistake.

I met a widower. He will be 60 this year which seems very old for me since I seem to have more chemistry with younger guys, but since he was local I decided to meet him. I was surprised to find myself thinking about him even now after a few dates. We both seem excited about each other but then there is all the miscommunication we normally have in person and on text. It seems I always say something that he deems too serious or too deep.

I think he finds me preachy when I start spewing my optimism around. He tells me that I should stop having these serious conversation and we should just have fun. It has been over 2 years since his wife passed. I don’t think there is a deadline for the person to stop grieving but I know it will be hard to date someone still stuck there.

For a few years right after my break up I was still mourning the end of the relationship and that doesn’t even compare with the death of a spouse. So I sympathize and understand.

While I agree that we should just have light-hearted dates and conversation I wonder if I am capable of doing that. I am growing increasingly tired of him always telling me I am too serious or too deep when all I am doing is replying to his comments in the way that I feel.  He says I should say exactly how I feel, but when I do I am too deep.

After yet again being told I was taking things too serious the other day and not speaking/texting the last couple of days I reached out today to say hello. Soon the conversation went south.

He has a teenage daughter and he mentioned that his goal was to dance at her wedding and then he was ready to go. I clarified what he meant by ready to go and indeed it was what I though, he would be ready to die.

I said that he was too young for that kind of talk and that we needed to get him more goals. I mentioned how 60 is the new 50 or even 40 and I said that I needed goals too.
I said that I used to pressure myself to have goals and go after them but that lately I decided not put any pressure on myself and just have faith in God’s timing and guidance.  I also mentioned that until we have better goals we should have fun chasing weird ones, such as which restaurant has the best wine list (he enjoy wine).

I guess the word “God” may have been too much for him, as his reply was, and I quote: “Too deep. Let’s talk about it another time.” To which I just replied: “ok sorry” and he said: “No problem. Actually in a good mood today.”

Even though he seems like a great guy, I don’t think I can put up with not saying what I think and not trying to get somebody to stop only seeing gloom and doom. I find my honesty, clarity, positivism, optimism and upbeat attitude some of the best parts of me, and don’t want to bury them down.

He feels betrayed by God, and I am of the belief of never blaming God as there is always a plan.

I am not taking the first step in contacting him again and perhaps pushing for something he is not ready for. So we shall see if this story ends here or if there will be more chapters.

“The darker the night, the brighter the stars,
The deeper the grief, the closer is God!” Do― Dostoevsky

Of mice, men and me

24 Wednesday May 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

, , , ,

“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.” – Seneca

It is crazy how things change from one day to the next, so the best thing to do is to embrace whatever is happening at the moment, be it good or bad. If something good is happening then jump in head first, take a bath in it, enjoy it to the fullest.  If something bad is happening, look for the lesson in it, brace yourself, learn the lesson and move on.  Everything passes.  Everything leaves a mark and a memory.

Work has been difficult lately.  Or is it me?  I guess my hormones are out of whack as I have been on the verge of crying at work every day last week and so far today again.   I thought that by now I was immune to this industry, to these men that lack manners and think they are Gods.

Two days in a row I walk into work and in the kitchen a mouse has just been caught on a glue trap.  The mouse could have been removed before I got here but my male co-workers either were too scared or thought it was funny to see me scream and run away.

I realize it is not an employee’s job to catch mice but what happened to men being a gentleman, being strong and coming to a lady’s rescue?  The mouse was only removed much later when a braver/nicer co-worker arrived.  By the way the super of the building is useless.  He goes out of his way to be difficult.

This is a hard industry. Hard on women, hard on minorities.  I have been in it for over 20 years, often immune to the antics, but it still stings.  But the other side of the coin is that it affords me a good life.  It affords me the ability of helping my family, which is something that is extremely important to me.

The brokers want to do whatever they want ignoring guidelines set up for a reason.  Requests go ignored.  Not only that, the language and behavior are at an all-time low.  It is locker room behavior everyday here.  Nothing is said to me or about me (as far as I know), but still I am within earshot of the crude remarks.  I feel caught in the middle.  I am both one of the employees and also one of the bosses/partners.  If I complain to the big boss he will take my side but I don’t want to be like the tattletale sister, and in the end nothing really changes.

At this moment I feel like a complainer playing the victim.  There are no victims here (or anywhere really).  I fell into this industry by accident.  After 5 years I had had enough of it and quit.  Then I realized that it was something I was good at and it also paid well. I was back after a year.

The mice incidents happened and it made me feel completely powerless and dependent on men to rescue me.  I tried mustering all the courage in the world to get it myself but I couldn’t do it. I hate depending on people.  These episodes made me furious and more aware of their behavior.

I guess it is easy to grow immune to things, until an event highlights it and brings it to the surface.

I just want a little more kindness and respect.  I guess my office is just a microcosm of the world at large.  We need more kindness in the world.  We need more people helping people.  We need more people being aware of the feelings of others.  We need more respect, more manners, more compassion.

We are not alone, so let’s stop behaving as if our needs are the only ones that count.

I don’t believe in complaining, I don’t believe in playing the victim.  So please forgive me for digressing and going on and on.  I believe in changing whatever is threatening one’s happiness.  But I also believe in being practical and realistic.  It is a juggling act.

So I alternate among:

  • Telling them exactly what I think (That they have no manners, that certain behavior is not acceptable, etc) to which some will say sorry while others will try to justify the behavior.
  • Crying out of frustration (of course I don’t let them see it, but I wear my heart on the sleeve so they know how I feel). It lets my emotions out but I feel worse later realizing that crying makes me feel even more powerless.
  • Ignoring and trying not to let it affect me.  It often works.  I tune them out, they are meaningless to me.
  • Plotting my escape (which is pie in the sky at this point), but it is fun to dream of doing something completely different.

One thing I am totally incapable of doing is retaliating.  A broker gets me mad one day and I tell myself that next time they need something I won’t be so quick to help, or next time I will accidentally forget to reimburse them for their expense report.  Instead I continue the same way, jumping up any time they need something.  I will always err on the side of helping and treating people how I want to be treated.

So I continue on, reminding myself that at the end of the day I do have a great job with many perks and great pay.  No one tells me what to do, and the not so strict environment is not all that bad.  No job is perfect and it is not my whole life just a part of it.  I guess I have a love-hate relationship with my job.

In the end this is not a complaint, just a mere observation.  I am grateful for my job.  I feel blessed for having it.

A mouse made me write this!

“What you’re supposed to do when you don’t like a thing is change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. Don’t complain.” – Maya Angelou

Apprehensive, but still grateful

05 Friday May 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

“Eventually all things fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moments, and know EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.” – Albert Schweitzer

CAR

A decision has been made and I am now driving a Honda HRV (the CRV’s little brother).  I have chosen to lease it and the color I picked is Mulberry.  Mulberry is the color of eggplant and depending on how the light hits it it appears black.   Psychologically I like owning things, paying for something and then returning it feels like a waste of money, but I decided to step out of my comfort zone and go for it.  I was attracted by the low monthly payments ($160.00) and the fact that I will not have to spend money with maintenance.

I was able to find a parking space for my other car.  It is at a municipal lot a few blocks from my home.  It was just sheer luck to get it and I am so happy things have fallen in place.

So far I am very happy with the new car.  It is very different from driving a 30 year old Mercedes.   I will eventually sell the Mercedes as having 2 cars is just silly and an unnecessary expense.  Paying for insurance, parking space and maintenance adds up.  I don’t know how much it is worth so I don’t know how much to ask, until then I am keeping it.

Feeling blessed, telling myself not to take things for granted.  Being grateful and realizing that hard work pays off.  Hard works gives us options and possibilities.

MOM

After another trip to Brazil Mom has returned with me to stay 1 month.  It is crazy and sad to see how age has finally caught up with her.  She just turned 82 on May 1st and even though she looks amazing and much younger than that, the truth is the 82 is a big number.  She has many issues: Lower back pain, diabetes, hypothyroidism, high blood pressure, heart disease, but was doing very well until a couple of years ago when she had a mild night time stroke.  Since then she has never been 100%.

It is hard for me to see her weak and frail.  The passage of time is merciless.  It is a reminder of life’s finite quality and the value of time.  Could my mother’s health be better now if she had paid more attention to her diet and lifestyle? Am I doing all I can to have a good aging process?  The answer to that last question is a resounding no.

I go out of my way for my family. At this moment I am taking my mom to a traditional Chinese doctor and paying an arm and a leg for a Chinese tea that is supposed to improve her health.  No worries I am not that gullible but I do believe in western medicine.  Also I know 3 people that have gone to this doctor and all have had great results.  If there is a chance of any improvement to my mother’s situation I am willing to try.

I believe in the power of faith.  Mom and I believe that this tea (combined with acupuncture and cupping) will help.  She is still taking all the medication prescribed by the regular doctors, she is eating better, and making sure she is not overdoing physically (she tends to be stubborn like me and think that she can do it all).

I feel powerless and keep reminding myself that I am not in control of anything.  I can only do my best, the rest is up to God.

Knowing that  time is limited makes each second more valuable.  Wasting time is no longer an option.

DATING

I am still online but any time my mother is here I spend most of my free time with her instead of meeting new people.

I am getting to the conclusion that it is becoming harder for me to find The One for me.  Not because of them, but because of me.  I have established a pretty nice, comfortable life and I am not about to let anyone in without making sure that they will be an addition to it.

How can I be sure of anything without taking a leap of faith?  I thought that I really wanted someone and that I was willing to be vulnerable and put myself out there.  Now I am not so sure.  I put myself out there physically but emotionally I am probably more guarded than ever.  Time to re-think and re-evaluate.

Being vulnerable, being able to trust, willing to risk being hurt are all some of the price for the chance of experiencing love.  There is no