Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

Addicted to Potential

21 Thursday Jan 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“What should I possibly have to tell you, oh venerable one? Perhaps that you’re searching far too much? That in all that searching, you don’t find the time for finding?” ― Hermann Hesse

My dating life at the moment is non-existent. I am planning on joining another online dating site, but cannot decide which one.  I have been on Match, e-Harmony and Plenty of Fish before. They were all okay.  I have met jerks, but also met some great men. But, for some reason or another, I remain single and still searching.

My sister has never been on a dating site before and I want her to try.  I am suggesting to her Bumble and Our Time.  I think it would be too weird for us both to be on the same site.  We do look very similar on some pictures.  I need to think of other sites.

Any suggestions on what dating site I should join next? I am thinking either OKCupid or Zoosk.

“If I cease searching, then, woe is me, I am lost. That is how I look at it – keep going, keep going come what may.” ― Vincent van Gogh

It is not like it has been ages since I have been on a dating site either. My membership on Match expired at the beginning of December.

The last date I had was in December. I mentioned it in a post how he was such a nice person, that even though I didn’t think there were sparks I thought it was worth a second date.  We also talked about being friends and he was happy with that.  Then he just disappeared.

Nothing.  Not a word. He even ignored my happy holidays wishes.   I am not crying over his disappearance. I learned a long time ago that in these situations, the sooner one accepts it and moves on the better.  I am human, so I am curious.  Why someone chooses to just disappear?

“Potential,” I said, “doesn’t mean a thing. You’ve got to do it. Almost every baby in a crib has more potential than I have.” ― Charles Bukowski

I find disappearing acts childish and immature.  One minute the guy is all over you professing his love, the next he is gone. Not a word.  Strange, weird, but all too common lately.

When people disappear for no reason, with no explanation, I always thank my guardian angels.  I credit them for removing from my life something that would not be good for me in the long run.  I wholeheartedly believe in that. He is still a nice guy, but for somebody else.

I firmly believe that everything that happens in my life is for the best. Sometimes, it may not seem that way at the moment, but ultimately, I am better off.  So, I embrace it all as a gift from above. Disappearing acts included.

And for the disappearing guy I have a poem:

I have more people to meet, stocks to buy,

so thank you for not wasting my time with a good bye.

“Passion creates, addiction consumes.” ― Gabor Maté

And speaking of stocks to buy, I am staging my own intervention.  I have been very busy at work, but whatever little extra time I have I find myself doing something stock related. It seems that, momentarily, I have traded men for stocks.

Dating sites were a distraction from the busyness of work and the craziness of life.  Now tracking stocks is my distraction of choice.

It has been just 2 months since I have started playing the stock market and I already feel the need to reign in my buying compulsion. I have all kinds of stocks, from big well-known ones to obscure niche ones.  From weed growers to bitcoin mining.  I am going crazy.

“This is how we bring about our own damnation, you know-by ignoring the voice that begs us to stop. To stop while there’s still time.” ― Stephen King

It is a lot like gambling and also like treasure hunting. Can I find the next stock that is going to blow up and make me an overnight millionaire?

Of course not.  I know better.  Still, I play.

My addictive personality is addicted to lure of making it big. In the same way I am addicted to the potential of meeting The One in dating sites.  I am addicted to the potential in things.

Because I am addicted to the potential, I look for the good in everything.  I give people and things extra chances. I overdo it.  I overstay.  I keep the door open.

I want to find the needle in the haystack, the diamond among the sea of cubic zirconia.

Hi, my name is Ana and I am an addict!

“Anything that inspires addiction or obsession – substances, entertainment, beauty, secrecy – is dangerous in that it can lead to isolation, self-absorption, and disconnection, to paralyzed stasis: an immobility that gathers like a force.” ― Greg Carlisle

Don’t blame. It is counter-productive.

13 Wednesday Jan 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“As your consciousness, refinement and pureness of heart expands you will become less judgmental, less corrective, less reactive, less black-and-white, less critical, less apt to blame and less tormented by others and their faults and views.” ― Bryant McGill

I love when I notice an improvement in my actions.

There was a big problem with a trade at work today. Somehow, along the way of setting up a new customer, one final step was overlooked. This was not noticed until the trade was closed. After trying to somehow circumvent this problem, we had to give up. The trade had to be broken and handed to a competitor.

The brokers involved were very unhappy. Our firm looked bad, and we lost money. In their conversations with me via instant messaging I noticed that they were hinting at looking for someone to blame (me).

“Blame and praise have no true effects.” ― Marcus Aurelius

I didn’t become defensive. That was a big a-hah! moment to me.

My first instinct was to fix the problem. I proposed alternatives, made phone calls, but in the end nothing could be done, and because time was of the essence it was wiser to let it go.

Often when a mistake happens the first instinct is to try to assign blame. Second, is to become defensive when being blamed.

I don’t want to assign blame and I don’t want to become defensive. 

For the record, I wouldn’t call what happened a mistake. I would call it an oversight. Second, it was not me, or even the broker.  Ultimately the customer is responsible for this last step, but it is up to the broker to remind him.

I always tell my brokers to remind the customer. This time I don’t remember if I did or didn’t. I could look for the record of the conversations, but to me that would be a defensive action, and at this point useless and negative. I didn’t want to waste time with that.

“Blame is the lie by which we convince ourselves that we are victims. It is the lie that robs us of our serenity, our generosity, our confidence, an our delight in life . . . For it is the act of blaming that can’t co-exist with self-responsibility — or with freedom from inner agitation and strained relationships. Abandon the practice of blaming, and we see the fear melt away that we have associated with being honest about ourselves and taking the full measure of responsibility for our emotional and spiritual condition.” ― C. Terry Warner

This one broker in question was already feeling bad. Why would I want to add to that? Why should I compound his pain with blame? He should have crossed his Ts and dotted his Is, but he didn’t.  He knows it. He lost a lot money on that trade.

It is not going to accomplish anything to prove that I am not at fault for something that it is not my function. Even though they originally hinted at blaming the Backoffice/Compliance (me), they knew better and never actually said anything.

In the past, I would have made a point of pointing out exactly who was to blame and what they should have done. I am over that need.  I no longer need to be always right. 

In the past I would want to make sure that others knew that I had done nothing wrong. I take pride in doing a great job and never wanted my image, somehow, tarnished. Now I am confident in the job I do and don’t need to have the others agree with me.  I no longer need others to know I am right. 

Lately, I choose to focus my energy on the lessons in every situation: Could this have been prevented? How? How can we do better next time? Are there any other areas that need to reviewed with the brokers?

I am drafting an email reminding the brokers of all the steps required to set up a customer and who is responsible for each step. I hope this will help everyone be in the same page.

I am feeling light and productive.  Mistakes (or oversights) happen.  How you handle them and move forward is what makes the difference.  

“A great nation is like a great man:
When he makes a mistake, he realizes it.
Having realized it, he admits it.
Having admitted it, he corrects it.
He considers those who point out his faults
as his most benevolent teachers.
He thinks of his enemy
as the shadow that he himself casts.”
― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

Make 2021 Amazing, choose: Possibilities, Opportunities, Faith, Hope, Forgiveness, Gratitude and Movement

31 Thursday Dec 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me, Youtube Videos

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Do you have favorite words?  I do!  I have so many, on this eve of the New Year I chose some of my favorites to share with you. 😊

May you love the following words as much as I do.  Wishing you a magical New Year.  2020 turned out to be such a lousy lover! Dare to take a chance and fall in love with 2021.

Here are my word/wishes:

Possibilities – There in an entire world in this one word.  It means everything and more.  In 2021 embrace the beauty of possibilities.  It is a dream not dreamed yet, an unpolished diamond, a miracle being made. In each new second, in each new person there is a world of possibilities.  Be open to see it.

“If I were to wish for anything, I should not wish for wealth and power, but for the passionate sense of the potential, for the eye which, ever young and ardent, sees the possible. Pleasure disappoints, possibility never. And what wine is so sparkling, what so fragrant, what so intoxicating, as possibility!” ― Søren Kierkegaard

Opportunities – All around us there are opportunities.   They may come disguised as problems or challenges.  Don’t be deceived by that.  The bigger the challenge, the more opportunities it contain.  Look for it, it may not always be visible.  Create it, go after.  When it knocks, don’t ignore it, embrace it!

“Not knowing when the dawn will come I open every door.” – ― Emily Dickinson

Hope – Dare to dream and expect only the best.  No matter how dark the night is there are still stars out there and there is the sun rising every morning.  No matter what, hold on to hope; let it comfort and guide you.  Dare to expect miracles!   

“Hope
Smiles from the threshold of the year to come,
Whispering ‘it will be happier’…” ― Alfred Lord Tennyson

Faith –  Even if you are not religious, believe in something bigger than yourself.  Believe that you will be okay no matter what happens to you; no matter what life throws at you.  Make faith and prayer your best friends. If you have faith, you are never alone!

“The function of prayer is not to influence God, but rather to change the nature of the one who prays.” ― Soren Kierkegaard

Forgiveness – Forgive yourself and forgive others.  Forgiveness is the best gift you can give yourself. Forget vengeance, choose grace! The harder it is to forgive someone, the more rewarding will be do it.  Forgive and be free!

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.

Gratitude – The key to happiness is gratitude.  Gratitude can change any mind set.  Challenge yourself to look for things to be grateful for every single day.  On the bleakest day, find gratitude to anchor you.  Say Thank you more often, to more people!

“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

This morning I just discovered another word that I decided to add to this list.  I am not sure who created the clip below (if you do, let me know so I can give them credit), but I love it.

Movement – Every movement causes a flow of energy.  Keep moving, mind, body and soul.  Keep going, no matter what.  All it takes is one step, one foot in front of the other.  We all should be constantly growing and evolving.  Get up and Go!

“Well, I always know what I want. And when you know what you want–you go toward it. Sometimes you go very fast, and sometimes only an inch a year. Perhaps you feel happier when you go fast. I don’t know. I’ve forgotten the difference long ago, because it really doesn’t matter, so long as you move.” ― Ayn Rand

 

 

Momentarily foggy, but not lost

23 Wednesday Dec 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

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“Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone – we find it with another.” ― Thomas Merton

I had a date on Saturday night.  He is 52 yrs old, never married, no kids and works in financial services.  He is very similar to me in a lot areas.  It was like I was meeting an old friend.  We talked and laughed non-stop.  He was the consummate gentleman. 

We will probably go on a second date, but I am not sure about chemistry.  I know we could be great as friends, but I am not sure if there are enough sparks for anything else.  We shall see…

“It really boils down to this: that all life is interrelated. We are all caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tired into a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one destiny, affects all indirectly.” ― Martin Luther King Jr

In the meantime, I have been a little out of sorts the past few days.  I have been unable to complete any tasks.  I started at least 5 different blog posts and was unable to finish any of them.  Fingers crossed I finish this one.

I imagine I am not the only one going through this feeling of imbalance and uncertainty.  Never in a million years I expected this Covid-19 nightmare to last this long.  Now they are talking about this new virus mutation… what next?

Can someone please wake me up from this sci-fi nightmare? When will I be able to fly to Brazil and see my parents?  The fact that I cannot travel at will is really doing a number on me. 

My usual sense of urgency is on asteroids.  I keep thinking that I am wasting time and feeling unproductive.  The worst part is that instead of acting/doing, I feel frozen and without direction.

“Don’t underestimate the power of vision and direction. These are irresistible forces, able to transform what might appear to be unconquerable obstacles into traversable pathways and expanding opportunities. Strengthen the individual. Start with yourself. Take care with yourself. Define who you are. Refine your personality. Choose your destination and articulate your Being. As the great nineteenth-century German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche so brilliantly noted, “He whose life has a why can bear almost any how.”  ― Jordan B. Peterson

I am well aware that I have no reason to complain or to feel anything other than blessed.  So please just ignore this momentarily loss of myself, purpose and meaning.  I guess in writing this I want to say that it is okay not to feel 100% happy 100% of the time. 

The key for me is to remember that unhappy moments come and go.  Nothing lasts forever, good or bad.  I have to learn to cope with those “in-between” moments without overdosing on sugar.

Thanks heavens that I do have healthier coping mechanisms.  My number 1 go to feel better action is to do a mental Gratitude list.  By number 3 on the list I am already feeling better.  There is so much for me to be grateful for.  This is an endless list.

“You can only find out what you actually believe (rather than what you think you believe) by watching how you act. You simply don’t know what you believe, before that. You are too complex to understand yourself.” ― Jordan B. Peterson

The second thing I do that helps to ground and center me is to stop throughout the day and recite the H’onoponopono mantra to myself: I am sorry.  Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.  

Psychology Today describes Ho’oponopono as: The Hawaiian word ho’oponopono comes from ho’o (“to make”) and pono (“right”). The repetition of the word pono means “doubly right” or being right with both self and others. In a nutshell, ho’oponopono is a process by which we can forgive others to whom we are connected.

“We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men; and among those fibers, as sympathetic threads, our actions run as causes, and they come back to us as effects.” ― Herman Melville

Ho’oponopono is a Hawaiian spiritual practice and literally means to “Set things right’. My simplistic view is that I am responsible for my actions, even if unintentional.  Without realizing, I hurt others. I become disconnected, I let my ego appear and be in charge.  Past mistakes continue to permeate through my life now and cause imbalance and create negative feelings. By asking for forgiveness and expressing gratitude, to no one in particular, but to everyone, I take accountability for my actions and I connect to others. 

“We are like islands in the sea, separate on the surface but connected in the deep.” ― William James

When I say I’M SORRY, I acknowledge my errors, my part in anything wrong that happened to me and to others in the past.

When I say FORGIVE ME, I accept my role in those errors and I ask for forgiveness for my part in all. I recognize that I am responsible for everything I touch.

“Whatever is rejected from the self, appears in the world as an event.”
― Carl Gustav Jung

When I say THANK YOU, I show gratitude to all, to my ancestors, to myself.  I am grateful for everything, big and small. I am grateful to all.

When I say I LOVE YOU, I spread love to the world. I am in love with myself and with everything around me. I am in love with all the Universe presents me.

To you, today: I’m sorry, Forgive-me, Thank You, I love You! ♥♥♥

“Be drunk with Love, for Love is all that Exists”- Rumi

 

 

 

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Friends are the ornaments that light up my life

13 Sunday Dec 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

(written yesterday)

Today I woke up feeling so grateful – even more than usual.  Today, I am especially grateful for friends.  It is said that if a man has friends he is rich.  In that case, I am a billionaire. Not in the amount of friends, but in the quality of my friends.

I am grateful for old trusted friends, but today I feel specially blessed for the new friends that the Universe surprises me with.

Some people appear out of nowhere.  They are gifts.  All of a sudden they are standing by the door to your heart.  You welcome them and they fit right in, as if they belonged there all along.

They come bearing acceptance, promise, possibilities and so much love.

“There’s not a word yet, for old friends who’ve just met.” ― Jim Henson

Friends are lighthouses.  They represent guidance and safety just by being there.  No matter how far apart they are or how long in between conversations, they know you are there, and you know they are here.

A friend claps when you win.  A friend cries when you lose.

Above all, a friend inspires.  New friends wake you up to new potential.  They see you in a brand new light.  The see the “you” that you don’t see in yourself yet.

New friends are hidden gems, buried treasures, winning tickets, unnamed stars.

Thank you K (N), my sweet, darling Canadian friend, for coming into my life and breathing new air into it.

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” ― Linda Grayson – (or macarons 🙂

****

Monica at https://brilliantviewpoint.com/2020/12/16/a-christmas-surprise-at-the-mailbox, suggested I make mosaic ornaments. By chance I had done them last Saturday.

I am posting them here unfinished.  Glitter is missing in a lot areas – I couldn’t tell until they dried.  I also need to Dremel the sharp edges.  I can’t finish them at the studio because the studio is closed until further notice.  Thank you covid! 😦

“Friendship … is born at the moment when one man says to another “What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .” ― C.S. Lewis

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” ― Jane Austen

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and rightdoing there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about.”
― Rumi

 

 

This is how I roll: I closed the entire restaurant for my friend’s birthday!

07 Monday Dec 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me, Food

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“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Well, not really.  Credit, or should I say, blame Covid for that.  Here is what happened:

My friend Anthony’s birthday was yesterday and on Saturday night I treated him to dinner.

We chose to go to a restaurant called Bonasera’s in Larchmont. Since the start of Covid, they have tables outside and live music on Thursdays and Saturdays.  Unfortunately, on Saturday the restaurant called me to let me know there was no music that evening.  The voice on the phone seemed relieved when I said we still planned on going there for dinner.  

“We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over.” ― Ray Bradbury

At 7pm we got there and the waiter said we could sit anywhere.   There were tables outside under a tent but we chose to sit inside.  The place was empty.  And it remained empty the whole night.

We had our own bartender, our own server, our own chef.  It was awesome, but I felt bad for the owner and somewhat guilty.

I wonder how can restaurants survive. I am not saying people should be going out to restaurants.  I think people need to do what they are comfortable with, respect others and the law.  I, for the most part, still go out when I have a chance.  Still I think about businesses, such as restaurants.

“Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.” ― Elie Wiesel

The food and service were amazing.  To drink I had 2 cosmos and my friend had 2 Proseccos. We had arugula salad and scallops with spinach for appetizers.
For the main entrée he had a gluten free pasta with tomatoes and capers and a side of broccoli. I had cod fish with risotto and broccoli. For dessert we shared a tiramisu and a crème brulee.

Everything was divine!

After we left, we crossed the street and went to Chat19 to have a passion fruit drink.  Even though I had already drank my limit, we still wanted to have something with passionfruit in it.   The other restaurant didn’t have passion fruit. 

“The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.” ― Henry David Thoreau

When we got there we were reminded that by law restaurants in New York now cannot serve only alcohol, they need to serve food with it.  We ordered fries with our passionfruit martinis.  The fries were so delicious we got a second order.  The martinis were a bit too sour and disappointing. 

We left at 10pm. All restaurants in NY State have to close by 10pm now.

We had a great night! We always have a great time together. We talk about everything, our dates, our goals, investments, spirituality, etc.

“There’s not a word yet, for old friends who’ve just met.” ― Jim Henson

I am grateful for Plenty of Fish for helping me meet him 5 years ago.  He is one of the reasons I am still willing to put up with online dating sites and I am willing to give guys a second chance. 

Anthony and I didn’t work out romantically but as friends we are an awesome match. We had a few dates, then he disappeared.  When he returned I chose to welcome him back and we slowly built a friendship that I treasure.  I always feel enriched by his company and friendship and I know he feels the same way.

“No friendship is an accident. ” ― O. Henry

I am on a dating site looking for love, but the potential to meet another great friend like Anthony is never far from my mind.  I am not one of those people that say they have enough friends. I don’t! 

I know a lot people, but I have only a few real close friends that actually know my heart.  Anthony is one of them.  We don’t always agree, but one thing remains true in our friendship: the care and love we feel for each other.   

“Friendship is everything. Friendship is more than talent. It is more than the government. It is almost the equal of family.- Don Corleone” ― Mario Puzo,  The Godfather

 

Say What?

30 Monday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Our hearts are not stones. A stone may disintegrate in time and lose its outward form. But hearts never disintegrate. They have no outward form, and whether good or evil, we can always communicate them to one another.” ― Haruki Murakami

and then there were none…

Date update: The Renter is history. After saying he would never go silent again, he did.  I let it go. I know that if I said hello he would start chatting again, but what is the point?  He is clearly not interested and by now neither am I.

The Swiss is also making it clear that he is not interested.  He will respond if I reach out but he is never the one to make contact anymore.  I lost interest in even trying to cultivate a friendship. 

“A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.” ― Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

That brings me to The Enigma. After showering me with poems, songs, and tons of promises of an amazing fairytale, I noticed some distance in the communication.  I reached out a couple of times, but then decided to let it go and see what would happen. 

 After 2 days of silence I got the below text. After some reflection I replied 1 hour later.

“I am larger, better than I thought; I did not know I held so much goodness.
All seems beautiful to me.
Whoever denies me, it shall not trouble me;
Whoever accepts me, he or she shall be blessed, and shall bless me.”
― Walt Whitman

What am I supposed to respond? Of course I wanted details.  I also wanted to help him.  But at this point it seems the Universe if giving me an out so I better take it and don’t question it.

I guess by now, after years of online dating, nothing should surprise me anymore, but people always do.  His text was baffling.  I knew he was dealing with a painful leg injury.  He was shot in an attempted robbery last year.  But apparently there is much more than that. What happened to all the promises of a beautiful relationship?

Some of what he had told me was hard for me to belief because it was so foreign to my simple 9 to 5 work life.  It seemed the stuff that war and spy movies are made of. At one point I mentioned to him that his stories seemed fake, and if they were true that I didn’t know if I could handle it.  Every time we spoke I bombarded him with questions.  I wanted to understand what was in store if we embarked in a future together.  Perhaps he got tired of the interrogation even though he said he was an open book and seemed to welcome all my questions.

“You know there’s no such thing as a complete lie. There’s always some truth in there.” ― David Levithan

He said that he had been in some war conflicts, even getting shot and saving someone’s life by carrying them to safety.  He mentioned being part of a Ranger Regiment.  He said that he was currently involved in strategy with a mercenary company in Russia.  He is partners in dozens of businesses in the US and a couple overseas.  There was a lot he mentioned but I rather keep things somewhat vague here, so I am leaving off the actual names of the companies and certain specific details.  

He had also been a teacher, ran free medical clinics, volunteered at pet shelters, paid for college for a few students, paid for prison commissary for others, among other various things.  He seemed to have lived so many lives.  It was hard not be in awe.

He never seemed annoyed and always seemed willing to try to explain his world to me.  He wanted to assure me that I had no reason to fear him.  He sent me links to news writings and YouTube videos about the military companies in Russia he was currently involved in and the Ranger Regiments he had been in.  

Some of the information he sent me did demystify some aspects of it while others made me even more concerned. 

“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” ― Fyodor Dostoevsky

He said he was planning to go back to school next year and complete another degree. He said he wanted to leave the past behind and that made me happy.

I still think that he was a nice person with a good heart.  I never met anyone so caring and that acted so gentlemanly towards me.  I will miss the smart conversations and the infinite possibilities that being with him held.  I never met anyone so knowledgeable about everything, specially history, art and literature.

I spent some time trying to understand the meaning of his text but some things I will never understand,  He could have called me.  I would not have talked him out of anything.  We talked about being friends no matter what.  It is disappointing that it ends with a text.  I guess he will forever be The Enigma. I will never know if the things that he has told me were true or perhaps just an exaggeration. 

I owe him and the Universe a huge thanks for making the situation clear cut for me.  I no longer have to decide if I can or cannot handle his past and whatever issues he has. I chose kindness with my reply and I believe in my heart that he chose kindness with his text.

I will miss feeling like a muse and princess.  And the search for my prince continues…

“I am constantly trying to communicate something incommunicable, to explain something inexplicable, to tell about something I only feel in my bones and which can only be experienced in those bones. Basically it is nothing other than this fear we have so often talked about, but fear spread to everything, fear of the greatest as of the smallest, fear, paralyzing fear of pronouncing a word, although this fear may not only be fear but also a longing for something greater than all that is fearful.” ― Franz Kafka

 

 

Another day, another cancelation…

18 Wednesday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.” ― Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

He canceled.

I cannot say I am surprised.  He had canceled twice before we finally met. Cancelation is in his blood.

I had a feeling he would.  I noticed a certain distance in the texting yesterday and he skipped the nightly phone call. 

This morning at 7am I texted him. I was not going to reach out but I decided not to be waiting the whole day wondering if a date would or would not happen.

Here is the exchange:

I am not assuming anything about him at this point.  I am not dismissing him or thinking it is all over.  What I know is that if this is the way it is going to be then it will not work for me. 

I remain open-minded with an open heart.  I met him in person and he seems like a good person. Just perhaps not good for me.  We will see what happens.  Your guess is as good as mine.

“You can cut all the flowers but you cannot keep Spring from coming.”
― Pablo Neruda

By the way, he also mentioned the other day that his trip overseas was canceled due to some of the people that were going with him having Visa issues.

So many questions about so many things. His health issues and injuries. His work overseas.  His time in the war.  I was hoping to continue my interrogation tonight 🙂

“Remember, Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” ― Stephen King

Thanks heaven for good friends.  My friend A. texted me to wish good luck on the date tonight.  I actually met A. on a dating site in 2015.  We went on a couple of dates and then just became best friends. Our friendship keeps blossoming, and I am grateful for that.

I am not feeling down but so appreciate his attempt to lift my spirits.

Here is his reaction:

“Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives, and even when it does it can be lost so easily.” ― Lemony Snicket, The Beatrice Letters

Finally the date with The Enigma happens

14 Saturday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Truth is the offspring of silence and meditation. I keep the subject constantly before me and wait ’til the first dawnings open slowly, by little and little, into a full and clear light.”― Isaac Newton

I am going to start by apologizing.  First, I didn’t have a chance to finish the post about going on the date with The Enigma, so that draft went to the trash. It was all about expecting without having expectations. Second, this post, about finally going on the date, will be a rush job.

The date was on Friday at The Rambling House in the Bronx.  We met outside on the street.  He was parked in a no parking zone waiting for me so he could direct me where to park. He exited his car with a big bouquet of flowers for me (pic below).  I gave him a hug.

I was so surprised.  I didn’t expect flowers at all. In hindsight I should have since he is very romantic and such a gentleman.  I was also surprised that he knew that I was not a roses kind of girl. My favorite flowers are sunflowers and daisies, and any yellow flowers. It had 3 beautiful sunflowers in the bouquet.  He said roses are too predictable.

He also brought me a book.  “Living from The Soul – The 7 Spiritual Principles of Ralph Waldo Emerson” by Sam Torode.   He said he bought one for him also.  I joked that we will have a mini book club now. Pic below.

From there I followed him in his car.  He pointed to a space and said I should park there and walk to the restaurant because it would probably take him a little bit to find another space. He still got to the restaurant before I did.

He was wearing glassed and smelled nice. He was casually dressed in khakis and a flannel shirt.  I was surprised how happy and smiley he was.  His pictures had him always so serious and mysterious.

“A gentleman is someone who does not what he wants to do, but what he should do.” ― Haruki Murakami

He was not fat, but heavier than his pictures.  I had already expected that since he had told me that he hasn’t been able to exercise since his leg injury. And as a side note he had a hospital bracelet on.  Not from last week’s trip to the hospital. From just that morning.  He fell in the middle of the night as he attempted to navigate a spiral staircase in the dark in flip flops.  An ambulance had to be called.  He said that he would go to this date even if he had to crawl.

We had a great time.  The conversation flowed.  He had a cider and I had a cosmo.  A girl passed around offering free beer but we both declined.  He is Irish but not much of a beer drinker. He had the turkey and I had the salmon.  We shared a cheesecake for dessert.

I am not sure how much he tipped but the 2 waitresses came back 3 times each to the table to say thank you.  I asked him and he just said he is a good tipper.  Another point for him. I dislike bad tippers.

He held my hand and told me how beautiful I was and how great I smelled.  He made me feel beautiful, special and safe.

“The gentleman is dignified but not arrogant. The small man is arrogant but not digified” ― Confucius

The date lasted about 3 hours. I could tell his leg was hurting him, so I suggested we go.  We said goodbye at my car door with a quick hug and a peck on the cheek near the lips.  Everything was very easy and comfortable with him.

We are going on a second date on Wednesday. It is my turn to choose where to go, so we will probably stick to my neighborhood so I don’t have to drive.

On Thursday he is going to travel to a couple of different countries for business.  He said he will be in touch every day but we shall see how that will go.

I have many questions about one of his businesses and his overseas traveling. I don’t want to imply that it is something shady but it is just so foreign and mysterious to me.  He already mentioned a lot to me and says I can ask whatever questions I want, but at this point I am not even sure what questions to ask.

At one point I told him that his stories seem fake, about the war, etc.  He laughed and didn’t get offended.  He knows I will say what comes to mind and as I see it.

For now I am taking it all in slowly.  I am enjoying his attention.  The future seems so full of promise.  But we all know that I have been here before, so I am proceeding with caution.

“If people just took it a day at a time, they’d be a lot happier.” ― Richard Bachman

Not Elementary my dear friends

08 Sunday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Never trust to general impressions, my boy, but concentrate yourself upon details.” ― Arthur Conan Doyle

I thought that today I would be telling you all about my date yesterday.  Unfortunately the date never happened!

As I was about to start getting ready for the date I got a phone call from my date.  He said he was calling from the emergency room.  He gave me the hospital name and   emergency room number.  He said he didn’t suppose I wanted our first date to be in the hospital. I said that it was a possibility.

“Evil indeed is the man who has not one woman to mourn him.”― Arthur Conan Doyle

I wouldn’t be opposed to go there to see him, but I know that most hospitals now aren’t accepting visitors because of COVID.  He kept me informed throughout the the evening and night as to what was going on. 

He went to the hospital because of a pain on his leg.  He had just finished physical therapy on it a week ago. I will not mention the nature of his injury at this point.  It is a kind of a wild story, that I rather know the details for sure before I mention anything.

“Life is infinitely stranger than anything which the mind of man could invent.”
― Arthur Conan Doyle

At the same moment my friend A. texted me to wish me luck on the date.  When I mentioned that he had canceled, my friend asked me if I was disappointed.  The weird thing is that I am and I am not. Lately, when it comes to dating I have been totally okay no matter what happens. 

Or perhaps deep down inside I already thought it wouldn’t happen so I was ready for it.

All is exactly as it is supposed to be. Of course I am curious, but I am not letting curiosity get the best of me. Time will tell.  Everything will be revealed in time.

“What one man can invent, another can discover.”― Sir Arthur Conan Doyle 

By 1 am his friend picked him up from the hospital.  Supposedly he was treated for blood clots and sent home.

He has a lot baggage, a lot history, and a lot medical issues from the baggage and history that he brings with him.  Can I handle all of that is one huge question that I have even before we meet? “Can” is not really the right question.  I can handle anything,  the most important question is do I want to?

“As a rule, the more bizarre a thing is the less mysterious it proves to be. It is your commonplace, featureless crimes which are really puzzling, just as a commonplace face is the most difficult to identify.”― Arthur Conan Doyle

In the meantime he is absolutely the most romantic, more interesting guy I have met in a long time or perhaps ever.  His life experience is so different than my own it is both enticing and scary.

This morning he sent me the following:

I Need Love – LL Cool J  (cover by Luke Bloom)

When I’m alone in my room sometimes I stare at the wall
And in the back of my mind I hear my conscience call
Telling me I need a girl who’s as sweet as a dove
For the first time in my life, I see I need love
There I was giggling about the games
That I had played with many hearts and I’m not saying no names
Then the thought occurred, tear drops made my eyes burn
‘Coz I said to myself look what you’ve done to her
I can feel it inside, I can’t explain how it feels
All I know is that I’ll never dish another raw deal

Playing make believe pretending that I’m true
Holding in my laugh as I say that I love you
Saying amor, kissing you on the ear
Whispering I love you and I’ll always be here
Although I often reminisce I can’t believe that I found
A desire for true love floating around
Inside my soul because my soul is cold
And half of me deserves to be this way till I’m old
But the other half needs affection and joy
And the warmth that is created by a girl and a boy

I need love
I need love

I wanna kiss you, hold you never scold you just love you
Suck on you neck, caress you and rub you
Grind moan and never be alone
If you’re not standing next to me you’re on the phone
Can’t you hear it in my voice, I need love bad
I’ve got money but love’s something I’ve never had
I need your ruby red lips sweet face and all
I love you more than a man who’s ten feet tall

I’d watch the sunrise in your eyes
We’re so in love when we hug we become paralyzed
Our bodies explode in ecstasy unreal
You’re as soft as a pillow and I’m as hard as steel
It’s like a dream land, I can’t lie I never been there
Maybe this is an experience that me and you can share
Clean and unsoiled yet sweaty and wet
I swear to you this is something I’ll never forget

I need love
I need love

See what I mean I’ve changed I’m no longer
A play boy on the run I need something that’s stronger
Friendship, trust honor respect admiration
This whole experience has been such a revelation
It’s taught me love and how to be a real man
To always be considerate and do all I can
Protect you you’re my lady and you mean so much
My body tingles all over from the slightest touch of your hand

And understand I’ll be frozen in time
Till we meet face to face and you tell me you’re mine
If I find you girl I swear I’ll be a good man
I’m not gonna leave it in destiny’s hands
I can’t sit and wait for my princess to arrive
I gotta struggle and fight to keep my dream alive
I’ll search the whole world for that special girl
When I finally find you watch our love unfurl

I need love
I need love

Girl, listen to me
When I be sittin’ in my room all alone, staring at the wall
Fantasies, they go through my mind
And I’ve come to realize that I need true love
And if you wanna give it to me girl make yourself seen
I’ll be waiting, I love you

“A man always finds it hard to realize that he may have finally lost a woman’s love, however badly he may have treated her.”― Arthur Conan Doyle