Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

Gratitude is my panic room

25 Wednesday Mar 2020

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“Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers
but to be fearless in facing them.

Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain
but for the heart to conquer it.

Let me not look for allies in life’s battlefield
but to my own strength.

Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved
but hope for the patience to win my freedom.

Grant that I may not be a coward,
feeling your mercy in my success alone;

But let me find the grasp of your hand in my failure.” – Tagore

This was my third day working from home. I feel out of sorts.  I am a creature of habit.  Without the routine I feel lost.  Working from a desk in my bedroom I am busy the whole day and yet I don’t feel productive.  

My comfort zone is my routine and the accomplishments at work.  As I battle these uncomfortable feelings I focus on the potential growth hidden in these feelings.  

I think that at the core of this discomfort is fear.  Fear of tomorrow’s uncertainty.  I like order and I like having an idea of what the future may bring.  Now it is hard to tell.

As I put these thoughts out in the open I feel embarrassed at my silliness and even entitlement. How dare I feel lost and out of control?

“Man is not to fight with other human races, other human individuals, but his work is to bring about reconciliation and Peace and to restore the bonds of friendship and love. We are not like fighting beasts. It is the life of self which is predominating in our life, the self which is creating the seclusion, giving rise to sufferings, to jealousy and hatred, to political and commercial competition. All these illusions will vanish, if we go down to the heart of” ― Tagore

Today I woke up in my cozy bed, in my big bedroom.  I woke up safe and sheltered.  I don’t have to worry about where my next meal is coming from.  If I miss a few paychecks life will not fall apart. 

If I catch Coronavirus I have insurance and I am in the US, where, although healthcare needs improving it is still much better and more available than in a lot other countries.

Although I worry about my elderly parents far away in Brazil I know they are being well taken care of by my brother.  I really have nothing to complain about.

Living in the US, specifically in NY state, it is easy to take everything for granted.  For so many around the world, and even here in the US, Coronavirus is not even a thought as their daily struggles are as basic as food, shelter, clean water, electricity, etc.   

Feeling lost because I am working from home is a luxury.  Many would give anything for a home and a job. That thought slaps me in the face.

“Perhaps the new dawn will come from this horizon, from the East where the sun rises; and then, unvanquished Man will retrace his path of conquest, despite all barriers, to win back his lost heritage. ” ― Tagore

I return to gratitude, a space that I inhabit well.  A place where I belong.   Gratitude grounds me.  It provides me with the perspective I need in uncertain times.

Although there are moments I forget,  I am blessed and I know it. And so are you.

Be safe, be grateful and be blessed!  Above all, be kind!

All the poems/quotes here are from Tagore.  In 1913 Rabindranath Tagore was the first non-European person to win a Nobel Prize for Literature. He was born in Indian 1861 and died in 1941. He was a poet and scholar. 

“Where the mind is without fear
and the head is held high,
where knowledge is free.
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments by narrow domestic walls.
Where words come out from the depth of truth,
where tireless striving stretches its arms toward perfection.
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost it’s way
into the dreary desert sand of dead habit.
Where the mind is led forward by thee
into ever widening thought and action.
In to that heaven of freedom, my father,
LET MY COUNTRY AWAKE!”― Tagore

 

 

Loves Trump, hates immigrants and is clueless about sex: not my match! (the mistakes I made and lessons I learned in this short-lived relationship)

14 Saturday Mar 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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This was written on Friday, 3/13/2020.  Sorry, another lengthy post.

My relationship with M was lukewarm, now it is dead cold.  Wake and burial details will be announced soon, for now I am explaining the cause of the death.  Last night was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.  Before I talk about last night, I want to state a few mistakes I made. The relationship was already showing ill signs from the beginning.

Even though he was always calm and gentle with me there was an underlining bitterness and negativity that I attributed to his stressful work.  I thought that once he retired, he would become more laid back.  Mistake no.1 – Thinking that he would change.  I know better than to think that I can change anyone but I thought my happiness and positiveness could rub off on him.  Circumstances change but people rarely do. 

“Even if you cannot change all the people around you, you can change the people you choose to be around. – Roy T. Bennet”

I thought that once he retired and had more time, we would be spending more time together.  We spoke and texted every day, but he seemed to be getting too busy or tired to get together. Mistake no.2 – Thinking that I was going to be a priority. If someone doesn’t make you a priority when they are busy, they won’t make you a priority when they have more time either.

“Action expresses priorities.” – Mahatma Gandhi 

Bluntly, sex was lackluster! It seemed promising in the beginning.  The chemistry was there so I thought that as we spent more time together things would heat up.  Mistake no.3 – Staying in a relationship that is so-so when I want/need fireworks.  I want scorching hot but was settling for lukewarm.  I have been waiting too long for the right person to just settle for uncertainty.  

“Sometimes I get real lonely sleeping with you.” – Haruki Murakami,  A Qild Sheep Chase

I knew he liked Trump so I avoided talking politics.  When talking about politics and also about his work he would get more agitated. He seemed bitter about being a cop for 20 years and dealing with crazy people and situations.  He blamed politics/the democrats/Obama for the issues at work, for the increase in crime in NY and the disrespect to police officers.  That was Mistake no.4 – Thinking that if I avoided certain things and subjects, they would not be a factor and/or it would go away.   Because I avoided talking about it, I didn’t know how much he really loved Trump. 

In the future I will not avoid certain subjects and things.  I will talk about whatever I want and address disagreements and difference of opinions head on and right away.  Knowing how to work through disagreements signals the potential of the relationship.

“The first duty of a man is to think for himself” ― Jose Marti

He seemed like a gentleman, hard-worker, honest, didn’t have much baggage.  He looked like the perfect match for me.  But as time went on bad sex and Trump love were dark clouds looming over my head. 

And then last night happened.

It was the 2 month anniversary of our relationship.  During his nightly call after some chit-chat we started talking about the coronavirus.  I asked his opinion about Trumps’ oval office address.  I knew it would be a touchy subject, but I was tired of walking on eggshells and was interested in knowing his opinion.  I somehow was still believing that he was capable of independent thought.

He said he didn’t really watch it.  I call bs on that.  Of course he saw it.  I said that I didn’t think Trump did a good job of reading.  I asked him if he knew why was the UK excluded from the travel ban.  Why was the UK an exception? 

He responded sarcastically: ” May be it is racism, because the Left says everything is about racism”.  I was shocked, not as much in what he said, but by his tone of voice and anger.  I didn’t really know how to reply to that.

Somehow my question and comment on Trump’s performance unleashed something in him.  He alternated between defending Trump and attacking, as he puts it, the Left.  I wish he was that passionate in bed.

“Men in rage strike those that wish them best.” ― William Shakespeare, Othello

I wish I could have recorded all he said. It included:  “What did Trump do?  Did he kill anyone?  Because people call him Hitler. That is ridiculous.  What about Obama?  Obama could kill people and no one would say anything.”

He kept going on and on about the fake media and terrible Obama. He was speaking fast, not giving me a chance to say anything, not that I would know what to say to all that garbage he was spewing.

I wondered why I was being attacked.  Finally I was able to get a word in. I wanted him to know that he didn’t need to go on and on because no matter what he said I would not change my mind. 

I said: “I respect your opinion but I didn’t like Trump before he was the president and I like him even less now.  My opinion is not going to change”. 

“Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.” ― Robert Orben

Before I had the chance to numerate the reasons why I don’t like Trump, he cut me off and said: “It is not about the president, it is about the country.  What about the country?  Do you like the US? Before I had a chance to respond, he added: What really makes me mad is the disrespect to the US specially from the immigrants.  If you don’t like here, leave.  Go back to where you came from.”

Dead silence from me!  I felt I was punched in the gut. I was too shocked to have a reaction.  He immediately said: “I don’t mean you”.

Really?  What other immigrant did he mean?  My face was burning by this point. But I chose not to reply to his stupidity with anger.   I chose to separate myself from the situation.  I took a deep breath and said: “Listen, I need to take a break. Let’s talk later” and I hung up.

By “later” I meant NEVER  And he knew it.

“The truth is, immigrants tend to be more American than people born here.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

I decided that it was best to save my breath and energy.  I realized in that moment that this is a person that I would never be able to be with.  Some of Trump supporters are incapable of having a civil discussion.  They are incapable of allowing for the man to be wrong. So they go on and on defending the indefensible and attacking whoever disagrees.   

Making such a comment to me regarding immigrants is hitting below the belt.  He intended to offend me.  Instead he just made me mad and aware of his ignorance.  This “go back to your country” rhetoric that Trump supporters use is just getting tired.   

“He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool.” ― Brigham Young

I am thankful that he showed me who he really is.  Actually,  I am grateful that I finally acknowledged who he is.  He has been showing me who he is all along, but I was not seeing.  I didn’t want to see it.  Mistake no.5 – I was selectively only looking at his good qualities.  I was focused on his potential and the ideal that I had in mind.   In the future I will look at the whole package instead of only on the positive and what I like.   

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” ― Joe Klaas, Twelve Steps to Happiness

As I have mentioned before I am not against people that voted for Trump.  I respect people’s opinion, and just wish that people would respect mine and not try to force Trump down my throat.

Why would men that have a problem with immigrants contact me on dating sites?  I specifically put it on my profile that I am one.  He is not the first one that has attacked me in such a way. 

“Life is a succesion of lessons which must be lived to be understood.”― Helen Keller

I have learned a lot with this relationship.  I am so grateful for the lessons.  In this relationship I have tried to be patient, keep an open mind and have no expectations. I feel freer and stronger for doing that but have learned that I need to find balance. 

I will:

  • Keep an open mind but will not betray my convictions and beliefs to just keep someone by my side. 
  • Be patient but will not wait around if the relationship is not going in the right direction or if the person is not who I thought he was.
  • Have no expectations but will not accept less than I deserve/want/need

Life is too short, my time is too precious and my energy too positive, to hang around stupidity, mediocrity and negativism.

I dodged a bullet and I know it. I am so grateful for my guardian angels for keeping me in the light, safe and aware.

To my readers that commented that they couldn’t deal with a partner that likes Trump I say: “You were right!  It doesn’t work!”.  You tried to alert me, but I had to learn the lesson myself. Thank you!

Be safe and healthy out there. Be cautious but not paranoid.

“You’re never perfectly safe. No human being on Earth ever is or ever was. To live is to risk your life, your heart, everything.” ― Rick Yancey,  The Last Star

If by Rudyard Kipling

02 Monday Mar 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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I needed to read this today.  Perhaps you need it to.

If—
Rudyard Kipling – 1865-1936

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings—nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run—
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

Wishing everything a blessed week! Stay strong and faithful! ♥♥♥

Hurt people hurt people, but I don’t have to

28 Friday Feb 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

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“People of our time are losing the power of celebration. Instead of celebrating we seek to be amused or entertained. Celebration is an active state, an act of expressing reverence or appreciation. To be entertained is a passive state–it is to receive pleasure afforded by an amusing act or a spectacle…. Celebration is a confrontation, giving attention to the transcendent meaning of one’s actions.
Source: The Wisdom of Heschel”― Abraham Joshua Heschel

I woke up this morning happy as usual but with an extra spring in my step. M will be coming for dinner and movie this evening. It will be the 3 of us, including my sister. They have met each other before. Last time he dropped me off home he came up and installed a new shower head for her.

Tonight we will be celebrating his retirement from the police force. The actual date is not until June, but today it will be his last working day. He is taking 6 months off and then he will decide what to do next.

I am choosing to celebrate everything, his retirement, the weekend, good food, family and love!

We will be ordering from my favorite Italian restaurant and opening a great bottle of red wine. After dinner we will have popcorn while watching Yesterday, the movie. I predict it will be a fun night!

“I like places in which things have happened — even if they’re sad things.” ― Henry James,  The Portrait of a Lady

But, let me get back to this morning:

As I was walking through Grand Central station at 7:30am it was busy as usual. All of a sudden this guy came out of nowhere and bumped into the side of my breast and shoulder so hard that it almost knocked me off my feet. I am not sure if it was his backpack or elbow that hit me.

I turned quickly but he was moving too fast for me to see who he was. The lady behind me yelled out to him: “What a dick!!”. I am not sure if he hit her also or if she took offense to the way he bumped into me. I think it is the latter.

Please keep in mind that I bump into people and people bump into me all the time. That is what happens when you are walking in Grand Central Station at rush hour. This was not a simple bump. It felt violating and threatening.

I had no reaction other than turning around and quickly turning back and keep on moving. After all, that is the advice I gave my sister when she started working in New York City. I told her: “If someone bumps into you, don’t stop, don’t confront, keep on moving. Your life is precious to you, but they may not hold their own life in high regard.”

You never know who is mentally ill, or just ill-tempered, or looking for a fight. The amount of mentally ill people hanging around the city and the train stations have been steadily increasing. It is scary. You never know who is standing next to you.

As I continued my walk to work still feeling shocked, wronged and hurt I realized I had 2 choices. 1) I could let that incident consume me and my emotions and spoil my entire day or 2) I could shake it off and move on. I chose to move on.

“Don’t take anything Personally Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering”― Don Miguel Ruiz

I said a prayer to that person. He had issues. A) He was either in too of a hurry, with too much in his mind to even bother to slow down and say sorry or to avoid bumping into me in the first place. Or B) He chose to bump into me on purpose, which would make him a mean and miserable person.

The mean and the miserable are the ones more in need of prayers. Perhaps he has extra burdens in his life. Perhaps his mind is not all there. I am not going to pretend I know him and his life. I also don’t want to judge someone based on 1 action, but I am choosing to judge his action. It was confrontational, awful, rude,mean and painful.

This was another opportunity for me to choose love and forgiveness, not because of others but for myself. My time, heart and mind are too precious to let other occupy.

Still, God Bless him! May God lighten his load! May he see the light and choose to spread love and smiles! And thank you God for this lesson!

“Hurt people hurt people. That’s how pain patterns gets passed on, generation after generation after generation. Break the chain today. Meet anger with sympathy, contempt with compassion, cruelty with kindness. Greet grimaces with smiles. Forgive and forget about finding fault. Love is the weapon of the future.” – Yehuda Berg

Letting Silence be a Teacher

20 Thursday Feb 2020

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“My thought is me: that’s why I can’t stop. I exist because I think… and I can’t stop myself from thinking. At this very moment – it’s frightful – if I exist, it is because I am horrified at existing. I am the one who pulls myself from the nothingness to which I aspire.” ― Jean-Paul Sartre, Nausea

Even though the weekend was great, there were instances when I saw expectations trying to creep in. That happened on the moments of silence.

Anytime it was quiet I could see my mind swirling with ideas of what to do and what to talk about. I would also think of what he should be doing. I expected.

I resisted those ideas. I shooed them away. I would tell myself: “all is as it is supposed to be. No need for words.”

M is on the quieter side. I think that most people are when compared to me. So in relationships I will often do most of the talking for the simple reason that silence makes me uncomfortable.

I am trying to be okay with silence and not feel that I have to fill it with unnecessary conversation.

This weekend, I tried. Any time there was silence I let it sit there. I let myself be uncomfortable. I made myself work with it.

“Silence is a source of Great Strength.” – ― Lao Tzu

Thoughts came and went. I didn’t voice them. The thoughts would come to the tip of my tongue and I would suppress them. Questions would pop up in my mind and I would purposely ignore them. It was not easy.

I thought of myself as getting stronger and stronger any time I fought the urge to speak.

It has been hard dealing with silence and not let expectations walk in. I realized that I need to be constantly entertained if I am with someone.

I cannot be together alone with my thoughts.

“Speak only if it improves upon the silence.” – Mahatma Gandhi

My thoughts are dangerous to a relationship in its infancy. My mind analyses, dissects, questions, expects. Nothing is good enough or perfect enough. Nothing will ever be as my mind conjures up. Nothing can ever compare to my expectations.

I admire people that can sit on a couch in silence and just be, with or without someone. I can’t.

Silence if I am alone is a little more bearable, but silence with another person kills me.

To me, worse than being with someone I can’t talk to, is being with someone I can’t be silent with.

“You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts.”― Kahlil Gibran

Don’t get me wrong. Let me clarify 2 points:

  1. I love being alone. It is not that I am incapable of being alone. But if I am with someone I need the interaction. I need the exchange of words and ideas. I need that give and take.
  2. If I really want to talk about something I will. But I am trying to make a distinction between talking to fill the space and talking because I think it has meaning/message/a point. I want to learn the difference between wanting to talk and needing to talk.

“This is the longest I have been silent with someone” – I think to myself as we sit in the living room. I have a book that I am trying to finish. He was replying to some emails from work. There was music playing and still I could hear the silence.

There is a subtle difference in talking to get to know each other and talking just not be in silence. This weekend I began to know the difference.

This past weekend silence reigned and I happily struggled!

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”
― Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

Valentine’s Day Weekend – joyous moments

18 Tuesday Feb 2020

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I had a lovely weekend of no expectations.  It is really amazing what happens when one decides to ignore expectations and let the moment be a surprise.  The result are beautiful experiences.

M. picked me up when he left work a little after midnight on Friday,  well Saturday morning really.  It is always wonderful seeing him.  I think he feels the same way about seeing me.

“The pain of parting is nothing to the joy of meeting again.”― Charles Dickens, Nicholas Nickleby

When we got to his house he was excited to show me the gifts he got me.  He said that he was not sure what to get me and thought it would be nice for me to have some things to have at his house.  In the below picture: a robe, a towel, a loofah (another one since he said he had used mine form last time), a pair of comfy slippers, a lotion, a delicious dark chocolate heart and a box of coconut chocolates, which he knew are my favorites.

What he got me for Valentine’s Day

I thought it was all perfect.  We know each for 1 month so really anything he gave me would have been perfect. It also included a card that was very romantic and signed Love.

I had no idea what to give him either.  Since he loves coffee I gave him a coffee grinder and organic coffee, which turns out he had one already.  He was gracious about it.  He said his was old and he would keep the new one.

I also gave him a picture frame that I made. I am heavily into my passion for mosaics at the moment so it seemed fitting to give him something I made myself.   I put the picture of a dog in it since he loves dog and eventually he can change that if he wants to.  He said it was beautiful.

What I gave him

We decided to have dinner at home on Saturday night instead of going to a restaurant. He asked me what I would prefer and I honestly didn’t care so he chose to make me skirt steak, which he knew was my favorite.  Old me would have wanted to go to a restaurant, but the present me is more interested in spending time alone together.  Cooking together seemed perfect.  Well, he cooked while I set the table.  Table setting in progress below.  I forgot to take a picture of the final set up and with the food on it. I guess I was too hungry by then. 🙂

Dinner was delicious! After dinner we were looking for a movie to watch on Amazon Prime.  We couldn’t decide.  By the time we chose one, which I don’t even remember what is it now, I fell asleep right at the beginning.  He said it was one of those predictable movies: boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl in the end.

On Saturday before we shopped for dinner he showed me more places around town:  the drive-in movie theater, some dairy farms, some local parks, some celebrities homes, including Derek Jeter’s home that is across the lake from his house and happens to be up for sale.

If interested take a look: https://www.businessinsider.com/derek-jeters-house-pics-2019-2

Sunday before he took me home we went to local carnival, where we ate good food.  They were going to have a Polar Plunge but I was too cold to wait for it.  I was not wearing a coat, just a turtleneck and a vest.  It didn’t feel cold when we left his home, but by the side of the lake with a frosty mist blowing by it was decidedly freezing.

I am afraid of guns but he spent some time showing me how to shoot cans with a pellet gun.  I failed miserably.  Still I am glad I tried.  He wanted to show me that it takes a skilled marksman to shoot exactly the leg or the arm.  I made the comment, that I guess he is tired of hearing, why don’t cops shoot the legs instead of shooting to kill.

Anytime we were home he had Brazilian Bossa Nova music going.  I think by the end of my stay we were both sick of it. It is beautiful and he wanted me to cater to me, so I appreciate his thoughtfulness.

I enjoyed the weekend immensely.  He is thoughtful and caring, without being too much and too needy.

“When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.” ― Rumi

In getting to know him,  while sporting a new attitude,  I have noticed some things about me.  I will discuss them in the next post.

 

Valentine’s Day 2020: Celebrating having someone to kiss

14 Friday Feb 2020

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“Loving is not infinite, infinite is the capacity to love”– Vinicius de Moraes

Last year today, February 14, I wrote the following post:
https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2018/02/14/wanting-a-boyfriend-on-this-valentines-day/

In the post I talked about being single and happy but still yearning for a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day.

This year I have a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day and I am over the moon about it. If I didn’t have one, life would still be beautiful and I would still be happy. But I do, so excuse me while I get up and do a happy dance.

I know I sound like a lovey-dovey teenager.  Instead of toning it down I am embracing it and putting it on full blast.  I don’t meet a lot guys that makes me weak in the knees.  This one does so I will enjoy it.  And I suspect that I have the same effect on him.

“I am looking for someone, not to find myself but to lose myself.” – Vinicius de Moraes

I want to be in love. I want to be part of a couple. In no way that means I am desperate or willing to settle. It just means that I am willing to search for it.  I am willing to be vulnerable and take chances.  I am willing to get hurt again. And again, and again…

This Valentine’s Day I am choosing to celebrate life and love! The beginnings of a love affair, the feeling of wanting and being wanted, the passion, the longing, the missing and the meeting.

If this lust will become love, if it will grow and blossom it remains to be seen. For now I will put all my heart into it.  I will give it attention and care. I will do my part.

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” – Thomas Merton

I always found it stupid to celebrate monthly anything, and here I am celebrating that 2 days ago on February 12 it was our 1-month anniversary.  I am choosing to celebrate months, and days, and minutes. I am choosing to celebrate the now. Life is fleeting, love is not a guarantee, but happiness is a choice that I make daily.  Life are the little moments.

On Monday night he said he had a crazy idea. I braced myself and asked what is it? He said: “How about I pick you up after my shift on Friday night? You can come and spend the weekend with me.  We can go out on Saturday night for Valentine’s Day.”  He mentioned places he wants to show me and foods he wants to cook for me. He also mentioned a Winter Festival that will be happening this weekend in his town.

“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.” ― Thomas Merton

I no longer impose on people my expectations. I no longer expect them to be me or act like I would act. Now I am free to see them for who they are.  I let them surprise me instead of always expecting and then being disappointed.

If something is very important to me I will bring it up otherwise I let things flow.

What was before expectations that always led to disappointment are now happy surprises.

  • When he opens the car door, I feel like a lady
  • When he mentions buying me slippers and a bathrobe so I will have them when I sleepover,  I feel cared for
  • When he makes plans for us, I feel special
  • When he goes out of his way for me, I feel loved
  • When he just sent a Happy Valentines text with flowers emojis, my heart sings

Nothing is expected!  Nothing is taken for granted!

Today on this Valentine’s Day 2020 my wish for you is for you to be fully present in your life.  Celebrate life with no expectations and only gratitude in your heart.  Do what makes you happy. Get up and dance.  Smile!

 “Cry, scream, love … Say it was worth it, that it hurt, that from now on it will only get better … Forgive, insist, love again … Don’t take life too seriously … Uncomplicate … Break rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly … Really love , laugh wildly and never regret anything that made you smile …”- Vinicius de Moraes 

 

No control, no problem!

10 Monday Feb 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Peace begins
When expectation ends.”
― Sri Chinmoy

M and I continue to date.  We talk every night.  We don’t text a lot and don’t see each other at lot.  He works nights, and since he is about to retire at the end of this month he has tons to get done before that.  I said I understood.

I wrote this post the other day when I was contemplating my feelings and behavior in this relationship.  Even though I am interested in him and I enjoy spending time with him I am not standing by the phone or stressing out if he takes too long to call.

In prior relationships anything would give me the sense of doom. A call not returned, a texted not replied, I would already start foreseeing the end.  Now I am different.  I don’t care.  I don’t give any power to things that happen or don’t happen.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”― Rumi

I have been feeling so free and less stressed as a result of not overthinking and not overreacting.  It is great having no expectations and taking one day at a time.

When I met M I was about to get off of POF and e-Harmony.  I was tired of those sites and wanted to take a break and then go to another site.  On the second date I told him that I was no longer on POF.  He offered to remove his profile right then and there. I said: “don’t”. I meant it.

At this point I don’t really care what he is doing. I feel free doing this relationship this way. In the past I have tried to dictate, to foresee, to control things. It only caused heartache and pain for me.

I don’t know if he is the one for me.  Time will tell.

I don’t know if my family and friends will like him. Time will tell.

I don’t know if I can accept his convictions. Time will tell.

I don’t know if we will grow together or apart. Time will tell.

In life and in love:

Anytime I try to control the situation I lose.

Anytime I try to foresee the outcome I lose.

Anytime I am in the future planning I lose.

Anytime I am in the past brooding I lose.

Nothing is a guarantee.  Even the best laid plans sometimes fail, why worry about it.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”― Lao Tzu

It feels so good to be free from expectations. I am being vigilant about having expectations. Any time I catch an inkling of expectation I make myself aware of what I am doing and I stop it.

Having no expectations doesn’t mean that I accept poor treatment.  It just means that I am not making somebody else responsible for my needs and wants.

Instead of expecting things from M and from others I am making sure that I am treating myself with the kindness, attention and the love I want and deserve.

I am giving myself more power by letting go of the need to control. I don’t need to control, I don’t need to react.  I don’t need to know and plan every step.  I am in control by letting go of control.  It is funny how that works.

Now I just welcome the good, and reject the bad, as they come, when they come.  I welcome  and rejoice with the little surprises and I don’t stress over the mundane.

This relationship feels calming and so comfortable. It is like wearing pajamas and having a cup of cafe mocha while a cold rain falls outside.

“Don’t despair: despair suggests you are in total control and know what is coming. You don’t – surrender to events with hope.” – Alain de Botton

Making a match and making mosaics

25 Saturday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.”― Jonathan Carroll, Outside The Dog Museum

While this budding romance continues to bud I enjoy reading everything about the pairing of Aries (me) and Cancer (he) and also Horse (me) and Rabbit (he).  According to both Western and Chinese Zodiacs this is not a match made in heaven.  Some sites say that it is the worst match of the zodiac.

I wish it would say the opposite but then again nothing that is too easy is worth it.  A romance against all odds (Zodiac or otherwise) makes it for a better romance. Apparently I am too aggressive and he is too sensitive, can we bridge that gap? I am up for the challenge.

We text once or twice a day and speak on the phone every night.  It feels right, even though it is so early in the game.

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”― Carl Gustav Jung

***

“Creativity takes courage. ”― Henri Matisse

I started my mosaic class/workshop last Tuesday. There were 4 other women of various ages plus the instructor sitting around a table.  Each one works on a project of their choice. The instructor provides the space, supplies and of course instruction.

I am making the Brazilian flag on the top of a folding table.  I am kicking myself now for not taking pictures before I started.  I will try to remember to take pictures next time so I can show the progress.

I am so excited about finding this studio and getting back to this craft that I love. I am not creative at all so this is a way to get those nonexistent juices flowing.

All the women there were so welcoming and friendly I felt like I was among friends.  I am looking forward to going back to finish my project and to see them.

“Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.”― Pablo Picasso

The Second Date: foam heart, kissing cheeks and so much promise

22 Wednesday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Don’t answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you’re joking.” – Amy Sedaris, I like You: Hospitality Under the Influence

Even though we had a great first date I didn’t want to expect too much from the second date.  I am used to having great first dates and then either the guy disappears or he becomes someone else on the second date. I was cautiously optimistic.

We met at R Café and Tea Boutique in New Rochelle. It is cool little place near my apartment.   I had a café mocha with a scone.  He had a latte with a croissant.  He pointed it out to me that the barista made a heart out of milk foam on my cup.

The message was not lost on us.  We both believe in signs so a minor detail such as a heart in cup is to us message from the Universe. Color us fools wanting to be in love.

Similar to the first date we had fun.  We talked, laughed and smiled a lot.  I am still smiling.  Again, he paid me a lot of compliments.  He complimented my hair, my earrings, and again he oohed and aahed over how young looking he thinks my face is.  At some point he also mentioned he needs to get new glasses, but we are not going to dwell on his poor vision now. Lol

“Tenderness is the repose of passion.” – Joseph Joubert, The Notebooks of Joseph Joubert

At one point I made a joke about not letting Trump divide us and he said: “No, that is a minor detail. We don’t have to talk about politics.  I can talk about politics with other friends.”  I still don’t know how I feel about that but I am willing to wait and see.

I wanted to somehow memorialize the occasion so I proposed we take a selfie. “To show the grandkids” I told him.  He laughed and went along with it. He doesn’t have kids either.  He mentioned that it means more freedom and time for each other, so I am choosing to be grateful for that, instead of dwelling on a childless future.

I wish I could bottle and sell the way he makes me feel when he looks at me, when he touches my hand and kisses my cheek.  There is so much tenderness.  It is as if he is looking at the most beautiful and delicate thing in the universe.  I feel like the most desirable human being on the planet.

“Patience is not sitting and waiting, it is foreseeing. It is looking at the thorn and seeing the rose, looking at the night and seeing the day. Lovers are patient and know that the moon needs time to become full.” ― Rumi

Even when he seems to be trying to be forward and aggressive he is slow and gentle.  At one point he said: “I want to kiss your beautiful face”. I replied: “Please do it” or something forward like that.  He reached over the table and kissed my cheek ever so gently. I took his face in my hands and kissed him softly on the lips.

I love this phase, I love this feeling.  The beginning, the getting to know each other, the discovery.  I am fully aware that as I am writing this I am giving the impression of a love struck teenager. I am! I am going to own that and enjoy it for as long as I can.

“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.” – Henry David Thoreau

We finished our coffee and pastries and I wanted to show him the area I live at.  He always goes for the hand on my back, there but barely touching it.  I, instead, took his hand, so we walked holding hands. Just now I realized that perhaps this is one of my controlling tendencies, of wanting more and directing the situation. Or is it overthinking now?

As we were passing by The Curtain Shop he said that he had in mind to buy curtains for a patio door.  We walked in and I helped him choose a beautiful blue curtain. He seemed to enjoy the fact that I chose something for his house.

I walked him back to his car as he had to go to work.  We hugged good bye and kissed lightly on the lips.  He texted me when he got to work and called me later that night.

We didn’t schedule a third date yet, but I have no doubt it will happen.  We talked about watching the Super Bowl at his house.  He lives in a quaint little lake town over 1 hour away from me.

I can’t wait for passionate kisses. “Be patient” – I am telling myself.  It has been so long since I have been with someone that the chemistry is this good that I can’t help but want more and now.

“If each day falls inside each night,
There exists a well
where clarity
is imprisoned.
We need to sit on the rim
of the well of darkness
and fish for fallen light,
with patience.

“Si cada día cae/If each day falls”
EI MAR Y LAS CAMPANAS. The Sea and The Bells.”
― Pablo Neruda