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Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

What not to say on a first day

06 Thursday Jun 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.” ― E.E. Cummings

Last Thursday I decided to accept a spur of the moment invitation for coffee.  This is a person that I had just started exchanging messages with and didn’t know anything about him.  I wasn’t that interested but thought I could spare 10 minutes and see if there was any chemistry.  After all, how bad could it be?

BAD! It was really bad.  I am normally able to get something out of any date I have, except this one.  It is common for me not to have any chemistry but to like the person enough to want a friendship, but not with this one.

As soon as I sat down, and by the way he sat on the chair and I had to sit on top of the air vent.  As he studied my face he asked: Do you only wear glasses? Do you plan on getting contact lenses?   I said: no.  I was a little taken aback by this question.  He pressed on: Why not?  You never considered it?

I said: No, not really.  On my list of things to do or to change about myself, contact lenses comes in at the very last, if at all.

He seemed disappointed and proceed to tell me how an ex-girlfriend once convinced him that everyone looks better without glasses.  No matter how beautiful someone is, glasses are never a good look. So he now wear contacts. Then, sounding disappointed he added:  but you already said you have no interest.

I changed the subject by asking him about his day and his work.  He mentioned he was almost retired.  That he was tired of dealing with employees and now only took care of a few select clients.  He has some kind of electrical work company.

“Conceited people never hear anything but praise.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Instead of perhaps asking about my day and my job, he then asked me what I thought of all the men online.  Before I had a change to answer his question, he said: I have been told that most men are short and bald, so because I am tall and have all my hair I am better than 99% of the men online.

I politely reminded him that hair and height was not what I valued about people, that I was interested in the whole person, and more about the inside than the outside.  I doubt he heard me. If he did, he ignored it.

I geared the conversation towards food.  I asked him if he cooked.  He said that now he did, but for the longest time all he did was eat in fancy restaurants.  He mentioned how an ex-girlfriend turned him into a foodie and a traveler. He also mentioned that she paid for everything. But added: but I am not going into that now.

He also mentioned an ex-girlfriend that disappeared after she spent a weekend at his apartment.  He suspects that she was after his money and needed a green card and after she saw that he lived in a studio she thought that there was nothing there for her to go after.  He asked me if I agreed with that assumption since the girl in question was also Brazilian. I said: “that calls for a lot of speculation and assumption and I am not about to do that without having her side of the story”  I got a disappointed face again.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” Theodore Roosevelt

After these painful minutes I got up to leave mentioning a train I had to catch.  He got up with me and hugged me good bye.  He then asked if I was intimidated by his height.  I looked at him in surprise and asked:  Why would I?  Why would anyone?  He looked disappointed again. One would think he is 7 feet tall, but even though he said he is 6’4, I don’t believe it.  My boss is 6’4 and this guy was definitely shorter.

Needless to say I had zero interest in getting to know him better.  He emailed that night to say that he was unsure about the chemistry – as if there was any chance I would be interested in him. I, humoring him, said: sleep on it.

The next morning I wrote him and I said that there was really zero chemistry and wished him luck.  He asked me to keep his number in case I ever had any event to attend and wanted him to accompany me.  I wanted to reply that he was just too old to be a gigolo, but chose silence instead.

And another bullet was dodged 🙂

“He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.”  – ― George Bernard Shaw

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Eliminating the distractions

09 Thursday May 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“You will never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks.” ― Winston S. Churchill

Distractions comes in all shapes and sizes and varieties.  One of the major distractions for me are people.  They cloud my vision.  They provide instant, but temporary gratification.  They feed my attention seeking self.  They come in and out of my life whenever they please and they keep me from focusing on the important things and people.

They are not to blame.  I am to blame.  I leave the door open.  I welcome them.  It is like I am willing to re-read the same book over and over again, knowing that I am going to hate the ending.

And time and time again, they disappear, leaving behind the certainty that they should never have returned to begin with.  That I should never have welcomed them.

“Stop letting other people hijack your day.” ― Frank Sonnenberg

Right now there are 3 men that I can think of that I allow to mess with my feelings and life with these comings and goings.  This is mostly in texting and phone calls, but the disturbance is there no matter what.  And the feeling that I shouldn’t be talking to them is also there.

There is AL, the very young one that still populates my wildest imaginations.  I have written about him a few times. I am always in search of permission to go ahead and talk to him, even though he is married and we always end up in very racy flirty texts. He comes in and all of a sudden we are both reliving the past in texts that do nothing except frustrate me.

I haven’t seen AL since he got married (almost 2 years ago).  I think we both realized that meeting would lead to disaster.

“How tragic it is to find that an entire lifetime is wasted in pursuit of distractions while purpose is neglected.” ― Sunday Adelaja

Then there is JW.  Someone I also wrote about it here.  We never seemed to be single at the same time.  With him there is no sexual tension but there is always that “what if” permeating every conversation.  And then there was that one time when he called me out of the blue and said “I will always love you”.  It blew my mind.  Yeah, I fall those lines.

With JW there is no flirty texts or such things.  With him is more intelligent phone conversations, but still my mind and hearts races.

I haven’t seen JW since he started going out with the woman that is now his wife.  We talk about meeting for a drink to talk about business and writing, but it never happened.

Then there is FL.  He doesn’t resurface often, but when he does he makes me feel like the most wanted woman in the Universe.  I bask in his attention.  I never wanted him in the first place.  Then he returns after so long and my mind starts playing tricks on me.  He planned meetings that never happened.  He laid low for a couple of weeks and now has returned again.

“Frequently we do not leave the past behind. We clasp on to it. We dissect it, and let fears for the future, tempered by the past, unconsciously prevent us from taking up the task eternal.” ― Ray Simpson

In all these 3 cases, even though it involves different dynamic and history, I now realize that I am not a player, I am the toy.  Things are not as fun when you realize that.  I thought that all was fine because I was aware of what I was doing and I had no intention of having an affair with any of them. I saw them all as fun and entertainment, something to distract my mind from the stress of work.

Then I realized that I was doing myself more harm than good.  These innocent flirting are not so harmless after-all.  By entertaining ideas of things that would never happened (having an affair) I was detracting my focus and energy from all that is really important, from the people that come into my life for the right reasons.

Leaving the door always open to the past is a huge mistake.  The past is the past and should stay there.  Perhaps I should just revisit to remind myself of mistakes I should not repeat.

“We rarely find answers in the distractions. But oh what possibilities live within the quiet of solitude.   In my fear to be alone, I distracted myself away from
the deep beauty of my own solitude.” ― Scott Stabile

I have asked myself if were they fully committed to being with me would I want them?  I think the answer is no.  I only seem to want them because they are unavailable.

With all of them I keep thinking that we could be friends, but we can’t really.  I have this fantasy idea of friends for life.  I need to grow up.  Just because somebody had a page in a chapter of my life it doesn’t mean that they have to have a role in the rest of the book.  I get to write it the way I want it with the characters I want.

I decided to get off this hamster wheel.  It hasn’t been easy.  I thought about writing to them and explaining myself but decided against it.  JW called last week.  I hadn’t hear from him in probably 3 or 4 months.  I didn’t answer the phone.  AL texted yesterday.  First text since March 8th.  I have not replied. FL sent messages yesterday and today.

Today I blocked them all.  Time to clean up.  It is tough as these men have been such a huge part of my life and history for so long.  A couple of times I went back and unblocked them.  But now I am standing firm and putting myself first.

I need to make sure that my actions are in line with my goals.

“We lead our lives so poorly because we arrive in the present always unprepared, incapable, and too distracted for everything.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

When the child becomes the parent

01 Wednesday May 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“The value of a moment is immeasurable. The power of just ONE moment can propel you to success and happiness or chain you to failure and misery.” ― Steve Maraboli

I was in Brazil for 10 days and got back to New York on Friday.  I love going but I love returning even more.  I miss my routine, even the craziness of work.  There is comfort in routine.

On Monday I alerted the auditors that I was back but so far I have not heard anything from them.  I guess they are working on some other firm at the moment.  I just want to be finished and not have it hanging over my head.

My mom again returned with me to stay a couple of weeks.  Mom is 84 today.  She looks amazing.  She has taken great care of herself.  No wrinkles!  But unfortunately her health is not equally that great.

She has to take a lot medication for different ailments.  I am used to her being non-stop, a total dynamo.  It is sad to see that she is not the same energetic person she used to be.  That gives me a lot pause and gets me thinking about my own life and future.

I think she is a good mirror for me to base my actions on.  Seeing her deteriorate reminds me to not to waste time, energy, youth and a healthy body.  This life cycle is finite.

My mom now reminds me to live my life to the fullest, to have more fun, to do more, make more mistakes, celebrate life.

Now that mom’s health is not that great I feel like a parent to a child I never had.  I don’t mean that in a bad way.  I just worry and try to do all I can to make her life easier.  Unlike a child, an older parent gets more dependent as time goes by.

While mom is in town I am getting into work at 6 am and trying to leave at 1pm so she is not alone for long.   So far it has worked.

I am focusing on the blessing of still having my parents!  I am focusing on doing all that I can to make my parent’s life comfortable and still fun.  All the rest are mere details.

Bye, we are now off to the casino 🙂

“Everybody seems to be doing different things but actually they do the same thing: They try to survive in this world, each with their own style!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan

Crazy stressed and still so blessed!

15 Monday Apr 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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I know I have been sounding like a broken record, but this audit I am going through at work is driving me crazy.  I am so crazed that on Wednesday night I took the wrong train home.  I was not even the same train line.  I traveled 1 hour out of my way and then had to get an Uber and take another hour to get home.

The audit has no end in sight, but there will be a break.  I am leaving for Brazil on Tuesday.  I come back on the 26th.  They agreed to wait to continue when I return.

I am doing my usual trip home to see my family and bring my mom back for a vacation. So when I come back there will be the usual trips to the casinos and stores.

I told someone that I was going to get a break from work and he responded:  Yes, but when you come back all will be right here waiting for you.  He said it in a negative  tone that I didn’t really appreciate.

I replied: Thanks Heaven for that!  Can you imagine if I am back and unemployed?

There is always a blessing in everything.  Work and stress gets to me, but still I realize that my blessings are numerous.  I really have no right to complain about anything.

“Focus on your strengths, not your weaknesses.
Focus on your character, not your reputation.
Focus on your blessings, not your misfortunes.” 
― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

 

 

Learning to be okay when things are not okay

16 Saturday Mar 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“Let nature take its course. By letting each thing act in accordance with its own nature, everything that needs to be done gets done.” ― Lao Tzu

The regulatory agency for my industry audited my firm 4 years ago for the first time.  It was a nightmare.   Now they are knocking on our door again.  They already started requesting documents even though they are not coming into our offices until April 1st.

My stress level is beyond control.  Not that we are doing anything wrong.  We aren’t.  Well, I don’t think we are, but I fear some new regulation that just came to pass and I am not yet aware of it.

There is so much stuff that they ask for.  There is so much information to collect.  So many questions to answer.  So many numbers to explain.  I do everything for the firm, from Human Resources to Finance and everything else in between.  Of course, I am also the Compliance person.  Everything is on me, and that pressure and weight of the situation some times gets to me.

I worry about every little detail.  I try to go over the compliance rules looking for something I may have missed. I am driving myself nuts.

“Only 8% of our worry will come to pass. 92% of our worry is wasted. DON’T PANIC” ― Mark Gorman

This is already my busy time of the year with reports to produce, bonuses to pay, new insurance benefits to choose, etc.  Now that!  Another year that I didn’t take my one week skiing vacation. With all the work stuff and waiting for the closing of the apartment I never found the time to take some time off.

This entire week I have been leaving home at 6:30am and getting back at 9pm.  It is just too much and not healthy.  At times, such as now,  I realize the importance of going on vacation.  Not to run away from problems, but to recharge and relax.

Some people think, erroneously, that a vacation will fix everything.  Wrong!  You come back and the problems are right there, sitting, waiting for you to walk through the door.

“Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.” ― Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man

Instead I rather stay and deal with the problems head on and not run away from it.  So right now I can’t wait for the auditors to come already and do what they need to do.

But you better believe that I will be more diligent about making sure that I get plenty of time away from work.  One needs to make sure to take the time to get away and recharge, have contact with nature, read more, exercise more, and have plenty of time doing nothing.

Stressed or not, life moves on.  I Keep trying to remind myself that it is not what happens to me but how I react to it.  It is hard to remind myself of that while I am in the middle of a crises at the office.

Built into any problem there are amazing opportunities, so my job now is to uncover and discover those hidden blessings in being audited.  If anything, it is just another of life’s attempt to teach me that I am in control of absolutely nothing.

“The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word ‘crisis.’ One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger–but recognize the opportunity.” -― John F. Kennedy

 

Dates and Updates: the very young, the poor and the complicated

11 Monday Mar 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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Update on dates:

The 33yr old guy. I knew that he was not dating material because of the age difference.  I was hoping we could have been friends as he was one of the nicest men I ever met.

He offered my sister a job and had said that there were no strings attached, that I was doing him a favor if she took the job.  He wanted me to stop by his store.  So on a Saturday I did.  He showed me around and at one point tried to hug me.  I pretended I didn’t understand it and moved away.

Immediately after vising the store we went out to lunch and had a great time laughing as old friends. We said good bye with a hug and there was no hint that there was anything wrong.  Then he disappeared. I got worried as this was a person that was texting me daily, many times to just say hi.

I reached out and after a few days he texted back saying that he had taken a few days off for vacation.   Whatever happened was just too odd, and I could tell something was off.  So I just let things fade away.  And my sister is staying away also.

Some things I cannot understand at the moment, but I thank my guardian angels and move on.  This is such a case.

“With the world as with people, you know only the tiny percentage you pay close attention to.” ― Steve Toutonghi, Side Life

The 48yr old student/professor. He was smart and fun.  He had asked me on a second date for Thursday and we said we would be in touch and decide where to go.

Then after a long silence he wrote to say that I was amazing but that he didn’t have a car and finances to treat me the way I deserved.  It was the weirdest text ever.  Full of compliments and then declaring poverty.

I normally never drive to meet anyone on the first date.  When I met him I decided to step outside my comfort zone and drive to his town, 20 minutes away and meet him at a lounge there.  I had one drink that probably cost $7.00.  While we didn’t talk about finances, I never made any comments about wanting to be wined and dined and he made it seem that he was not struggling.

I am not sure what he was angling here.  Did he want me to be driving to meet him all the time and to always pay for the dates?

That is definitely not happening.  While I have no problem paying my way or taking turns paying I am not about to start supporting anyone.  I respect and applaud his decision to go back to school and to get another degree but I don’t know him well enough to go down that road.

So I joked that that was the nicest let down ever.  He continued to text and said that he still wanted to see me.  I just said that we would continue talking and perhaps meet again, but we haven’t texted ever since.  I am not sure if friendship is an option either.

“Women fake orgasms and men fake finances.” ― Suze Orman

Complicated D.  Yesterday was date number Five with D.  Not that I am keeping track 😉

I am not sure where it will go. I am trying hard not to have any expectations and to take things for what they are at the moment: two friends having dinner and getting to know each other.

This is how it normally goes: We meet at a restaurant. Have a fun time with great food and great conversation. After dinner we normally take a walk to my destination, the train, or my building.

We do some kissing good bye, a bit more passionate now, but nothing embarrassing. Then we do a bit of texting every other day until we meet again.

It seems everything is hanging in the balance until the sale of his house.  Until this house is sold nothing will happen. No divorce. No freedom.  It is a very expensive house, so it will not be that easy to sell.  I have my fingers crossed that his life gets uncomplicated soon.  In a way this waiting is good.  It forces us to go slow and not rush into anything.

“Are you aware that rushing toward a goal is a sublimated death wish? It’s no coincidence we call them ‘deadlines.” ― Tom Robbins

Enjoying the wait while dreaming of the future

05 Tuesday Mar 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“You are a child of the universe, 
no less than the trees and the stars; 
you have a right to be here. 
And whether or not it is clear to you, 
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.” 
― Max Ehrmann

I had another date with D.  This time he drove to my town on Saturday night.  We met at 9pm at a wine bar called Gnarly Vine.  We shared a pizza and a couple of glasses of wine.  We were there until 11:45pm.  We would have stayed longer but they normally close at 10:30pm.  We were the last ones to leave.

As usual we had a great time talking about everything.  He gave me a better insight on his various businesses.  I enjoyed mostly talking about the trips we want to take together.

He held my hand and mentioned how special he thinks I am and how happy he is to have found me.  Again he expressed his wish to have his house sold soon and be done with the divorce.  Again I tried to reassure him that I will be patient and wait.

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. 
…live in the question.” -― Rainer Maria Rilke

In the meantime I manage my impatience by still being on dating sites and going on dates.  I told him about that and he seemed to understand.  I probably didn’t need to tell him that, but I don’t want miscommunication.   I pretend I don’t really care if he ever gets divorced, but after 4 dates I am really growing to like him and to dream about the possibility of a future together.

At this point he seems very sincere in his words, transparent in his actions and really interested in a future together. I am taking the “wait and see” approach. I am enjoying the moment regardless of the outcome.

Up to now there was only a couple of quick kisses, but that changed when he walked me home after the date on Saturday.  In the lobby of my building we exchanged some kisses that made me crave more of him.

He is also started texting more. I think he is starting to believe that this can become serious.

“A warrior of the Light is never in a hurry.  Time works in his favor; he learns to master his impatience and avoids acting without thinking.” ― Paulo Coelho, Warrior of Light

So, on that note yesterday I had a date with a student/professor.  A. is 48 years old and lives in a neighboring town.  He teaches and is also working on his second PhD, to go along with his many other degrees.  The conversation was stimulating to see the least.  We talked for many hours.  I think I would be the injection of fun that he needs in his life.  Last night after the date he sent me a text: “Really enjoyed being with you and wish the night didn’t have to end.  Attractive, caring, intelligence.”

He was a very nice man and last night asked for a second date on Thursday. I said yes, but now I am not sure. I guess there is no harm in seeing him again.

“If I cease searching, then, woe is me, I am lost. That is how I look at it – keep going, keep going come what may.” – Vincent van Gogh

 

Love is coming soon, but dental surgery is here now

14 Thursday Feb 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

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“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”  ― Paulo Coelho

Happy Valentine’s Day to all!

Valentine’s Day has become one of the most commercial holidays around, but still despite that,  I still enjoy seeing the love in the air.  Men carrying flowers and chocolates home to their wives. Red hearts everywhere.  I love all that.

It is the perfect excuse to think about old friends and reach out and say hi and I love you.  I have done that.  I reached out to some friends and wished them a great holiday!

I don’t have a Valentine tonight but still I am so happy and full of love.  Life is beautiful!  I have so many reason to be grateful!

My plan for tonight is to go get a massage, then have something exciting for dinner.  Which I am not sure what that is yet, but it will be followed by something sweet.

D., the man I have written about before, the one that asked me to be patient while he untangles his life texted me today.  Honestly I was not sure he would think of it. He doesn’t text often and doesn’t text long.  He will send one or 2 texts every 2 or 3 days.

I am surprisingly okay with that.  He mentioned wanting to go real slow.  It is better this way, then to be bombarded with texts while he cannot really make any commitment.  This is really different that what I am used to.  It is worth a shot, specially since it doesn’t really require an investment from me. What have I got to lose?

Today he just wished me a Happy Valentine’s Day and said he is looking forward to seeing me soon.  He also talked about the weather.  He is not in town at the moment.  He is on business trip on the West Coast.  Perhaps he just doesn’t know how to make conversation lol

Stay tuned…

“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.” ― Bob Marley

I am still online dating, but decided not to have any dates tonight.  I have a couple of dates scheduled for the weekend but I am seriously thinking about canceling.   I am not that excited about either one, so it all seems like a waste of time fro them and for me.

Also, I am having yet another dental surgery tomorrow, so I will probably not feel like talking too much over the weekend.  This is a repeat of the laser surgery I had done before.  I thought it had worked, but the area didn’t improve and the x-rays actually say it is worst.

This time it will be even more painful as he will attempt to go even deeper and clean more the area around the implant.   At least it will not be painful in my pockets as he offered to do this again for free.  It is likely that it will not work again and that in 3 to 6 months I will have to go in cut one implant out and do a bone graph in the area in an attempt to save the other 2 implants attached to this troublesome one.  But I need to do all I can to try to save this one implant before I give up on it.

Fingers crossed.  I am asking you all to please send me angels and prayers.  The surgery is scheduled for 12 pm NY time.

Thank you and until then love, love, love and say so!

I leave you with some great words to read and live by:

“Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing
can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel
that there is something in them
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best,
and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words but great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true to the best that is in you.” 
― Christian D. Larson, Your Forces and How to Use Them

 

A second date yeah!

06 Wednesday Feb 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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D. texted and asked me out for lunch on Sunday.  I said yes.

We met at Ipanema Restaurant, a Brazilian restaurant located on 46th Street.  I have been there before and I like the food and drinks.  He said I could order for him.  I was okay with that, since I was in my element.  I choose for appetizers cheese bread and a variety of empanadas (beef, cheese and hearts of palm).  For the entree we had sizzling picanha (top sirloin), rice, beans and potatoes.  Everything was delicious.  To drink he had the original caipirinha, a Brazilian signature drink made out of cachaça (sugar cane alcohol), lime and sugar.  I had a passion cosmo – a cosmopolitan made with cachaça and passion fruit.  He had 2, I had 1, but I could easily have had more if it was in the evening and we had been there longer.

Even though I was full and had no room for dessert, I could not pass on the opportunity of getting brigadeiro (chocolate fudge truffles) and beijinho (coconut cream truffles), so I ordered dessert to go.

The second date didn’t disappoint.  Conversation flowed as if we had known each other for years.  We talked about our favorite movies, about the sale of my apartment and how he hopes his house sells soon, among many other topics.

He is shy, and I am not.   I see a lot differences and also a lot of similarities.  I already find myself working extra hard to find issues with him. I do that when I like someone.  I am trying very hard not to do that.  I am making a choice here to be open minded, to give it time, to be vulnerable and not to sabotage what can be a good thing.

Towards the end of the meal he became serious and said that he wanted to ask me to be patient with him.  I don’t remember his exact words, as he was nervous and it seemed that it all came out at once, but he said something like: “I like you a lot. You are a special person.  I am not saying I am getting you a ring on Tuesday, but I am not interested in looking for anybody else. I am longer on Match.  But my life is complicated now and I have a lot to get resolved. I want you to know I am serious but for the next few weeks I am going to be very busy and it will be awhile until my life is sorted out.”  He also mentioned taking the slow route.

“Trees that are slow to grow bear the best fruit.” – Moliere

He said a lot more, but I cannot remember it all.  When he mentioned a ring, I jokingly removed my ring so he could see the size.  He laughed and he too my hand in his.  He held and caressed my hand while he was talking.  It felt so amazing to have someone hold my hand and look into my eyes.  I could see and feel his care, honesty and vulnerability.

He is still living and working with the ex-wife.  They have the house and businesses to sort it out.  Then there are the teenage kids that don’t know about the divorce yet.  They think that they are both living on different wings of the house because they are on different sleep schedules due to the business travel that both do.  He said that he is going along with her wishes not to say anything yet.

There were things that he told me that he didn’t have to.  I rather not say too much here. I find his honesty refreshing.  He is somewhat like me. I just tell the truth even if that is not going to paint me in a good light.  I like that he didn’t try to sugarcoat his situation and minimize how complicated it really is.  I rather have the truth than promises and pretty lies.

I know it will be a long road, but at this point I don’t feel he is asking too much. There is really nothing going on between us yet.  He is not asking for me to stop dating and sit at home and wait for him.  He just asked me to be patient with him and his situation.  I am not a patient person but I am taking this opportunity to exercise those never used patience muscles.

“The two hardest tests on the spiritual road are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter.”  – Paulo Coelho

I said to him:  Do what you need to do.  I like you and I hope to see you again.  Just don’t just disappear without letting me know.

It is weird.  This is only the second date but it felt for a second that we were discussing the rest of our lives. It felt as if we were ready to plan a future together.

After he paid the bill, we walked out arm in arm on the streets of Manhattan. It was a beautiful day.  It was just cold enough to feel alive and to notice it is winter.

We got to the corner of 42nd and Fifth Avenue, where we had to part ways. He was taking the subway to rush to some meeting.  I was taking the train home.  He hugged and kissed me good bye. It was more passionate than a peck, but nothing crazy or embarrassing.  I wanted a little more passion but then again I am Brazilian, I always want more passion, even if I am in the middle of a busy street.

“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.” – Thomas Merton

There are a lot things I like about him and I cannot wait to see him again.  He asked if I was open to breakfast and lunch dates during the week.  His evenings are complicated.  I said I was.  I don’t have lunch breaks at work, but I can come and go as I please so I can meet any time.  Of course meeting during the day will not afford us the chance to be more passionate and see if the chemistry is really there as I think it is but it will give us the chance to continue to find out more about each other.

Since he is traveling this week, he asked me out on the 15th, Friday.  But immediately he looked at his phone and realized that perhaps it will be too late. He showed me his itinerary on his phone and his flight had just been changed to come in later than originally scheduled. So we will play ear on that and try to meet before then also.

Too bad that on Valentine’s Day he will be out of town, not that he would be able to meet if he was in town, but a girl can hope.

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.” ― A.A. Milne

One fear I have is: Is he a doormat?  I don’t want to be with a doormat.  I get him not wanting to rock the boat for the sake of the kids. It seems that at this moment he is doing everything the soon to be Ex wants. He doesn’t seem he has a voice.  It seems he never had one in this relationship.

I am going to stop overthinking one way or another.  No one is perfect, no situation is perfect.  At this moment he feels right to me, so I am going to wait and see.  And in the meantime still be open to meeting other people.

I will try my hardest not to be pushy and want to rush thing and have unrealistic expectations.

“I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

 

Awful food but an awesome date

30 Wednesday Jan 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 29 Comments

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On Friday night I had an awesome dinner date with such a sweet gentleman.  The date was awesome because of how nice he was and how the conversation just flowed, not because of the food.  The restaurant was disappointing.

When he said he was taking me to Allora, I Googled it and was excited when I saw all the great reviews.  I also looked at the cocktail menu and found a drink I wanted to try.

I got to the restaurant a few minutes earlier and went downstairs to the bathroom, by the time I returned he was already at the bar waiting for me.  He was just like his picture and I could tell he was a little on the shy side.

We chose to sit at a table right away instead of lingering at the bar.  When the waiter comes to take our drink order I asked for the drink menu.  He said he didn’t have one.  I was confused, as there was one on the website, so I insisted: are you sure you don’t have a cocktail list?

He said:  “This is not that kind of place.” I was a little put off by that comment.  Then he added: “The bartender can make you anything you want”. He said that the old manager had created the cocktail list, but the new manager removed it.  It would have been nice if they had updated their website.

Mr. D., my date, ordered an octopus appetizer.  I was game for trying it. My date said it was not well prepared.  I agreed with him.  Even though I never had octopus before this could have used some more seasoning.

The Rigatoni Bolognese was bland and almost completely meatless. The beef ravioli, which I don’t even know what was the filling because it didn’t taste at all like beef, was just awful.  It came covered in cranberry sauce. They should have mentioned that it was covered in the sweet sauce when we asked what the ravioli of the day was.  The waiter only said beef.

In retrospect I should have complained about the food especially because of the price charged.  I didn’t pay or see the bill but there were prices on the menu.  I had already done my share of complaining about the drink menu I didn’t want to bring negativity to the evening. I also didn’t want him to feel bad for having chosen the restaurant.

The conversation was flowing and we were having such a great time that the food seemed like an afterthought.

At one point I went to the bathroom again and I got back and the waiter is waiting with the dessert cart.  My date looked at me and said: “I knew you would want it”.  I thought that was cute since I had previously mentioned I had a sweet tooth.  We shared some kind of chocolate mousse cake.  It was just good.

I am not sure why all the great reviews.  Perhaps we just ordered the wrong food or the chef had an off day. I will never go back and would never recommend it.

“I dwell in possibility…”  – ― Emily Dickinson

After the dinner we walked to the train station and he offered me his arm.  It was all so easy and effortless.  At my train track we continued talking for a few more minutes.  We talked about taking a skiing trip together.

Then we hugged good bye and we kissed twice on the lips – just quick pecks.  I definitely would have been okay with more, even though I don’t particular care for kissing on the first date.  I guess I am changing my stance on that.  The kiss is a great way to see if chemistry is really there or it isn’t.

I will definitely go on a second date if he asks me. He seemed interested but since the date we have texted a little with both of us talking about being busy at work and not much more than that.  This time I honestly have no idea if a second date will happen or not.

I am inclined to think it will not as I find that most guys will ask me out right away.  If they don’t then things normally fizzles out.  Perhaps it is a New York thing.  Everyone is always moving on to the next thing instead of focusing on what/who is at hand. Or perhaps people always think that there will be someone else better out there.

I know he has a lot on his plate, perhaps it is even a little too early for him to start dating.  He is still only separated, has kids, still living with the spouse.  They are trying to sell the house and go their separate ways. They also share a variety of businesses that they are trying to get sorted it out.

He is very busy, but that is an excuse that I don’t accept.  If someone is online dating, and interested in someone, then they will make the time.  Otherwise they are just not interested.

All I know is that he was smart, open, honest, and such a gentleman.  He was an absolute joy to be with.  I could see hints of sparks and chemistry. Fingers crossed.

“It’s the possibility that keeps me going, not the guarantee.” -― Nicholas Sparks,  The Notebook