Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

Nothing to be proud of

27 Wednesday Apr 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“The momentum of the mind can be vexingly, involuntarily capricious.”
― Gregory Maguire, A Lion Among Men

This is a tough post to write.  I didn’t know I could behave as such a bitch.  The night of our second month anniversary I was so moody.

From the moment he picked me up, he couldn’t do anything right.  I had an issue with everything.  I still have not figured it out why I acted in such a way.

I had a problem when:

  • he said that the driver in front of him was too slow and didn’t know how to drive
  • he asked me if he should park in an area that was a mile from the restaurant. (he had no idea where the restaurant was, so he had assumed he was closer)
  • he said that driving in rush hour to a town I mentioned wanting to go at a certain point is crazy
  • he wanted to sit at the bar.  He asked me if the bar was okay, I agreed, but kept thinking he should have remembered I prefer tables.

I didn’t say anything at the moment, but I kept adding things up in my mind.

So I sat there and internally projected and projected. I extrapolated this driving behavior as meaning he doesn’t like going places.   I added the fact that he hates airports and airplanes and I arrived at the conclusion that we are never traveling together. 

For the first hour of the evening he couldn’t stand me.  I couldn’t stand myself. I was closed off, guarded, moody.

I knew what I was doing.  I didn’t know why, and I didn’t know to change.  I couldn’t make myself relax and enjoy the evening.

I think that I may push people that like me just to know how much they can take.  How much do they really like me? As if they need to prove me anything.

Finally, he had enough and said: let’s go.  We left the restaurant and sat in the car. He turned the car on and I knew that I would probably never see him again if he just drove me home.  At least that is what I feared.  I asked him to turn it off.

I had been irrational this whole evening and I knew it. We sat quiet for a little bit while I talked myself out of breaking up.

“You’re human, and you have to reconcile that with yourself somehow. Forgive yourself. Allow yourself to feel everything deeply, to grow and learn.” ― Leesa Cross-Smith, This Close to Okay

Eventually we talked.  He wanted to know what was wrong.  I mentioned the traveling situation.  He said he mentioned he doesn’t like airports and such, but it doesn’t mean that he will never travel. 

I apologized for making the evening miserable.  Eventually we got out of the car and walked to a French restaurant, Encore Bistro Français. We proceeded to talk, laugh and have a fun evening. To which he commented: “Why can it be always like this?”.

I am not proud of that behavior.  It is perhaps fear.  Fear of commitment, fear of losing my independence, fear of getting hurt. Fear of settling for the wrong person. Fear of losing me.

Next time I will mention doubts, and questions, as they happen instead of adding them up and making them seem like real problems. I will also try to police myself so I nip bitchy mood in the bud.

I am vowing to push all those fears out of my mind for now, and just take it a day at a time.  I just need to be quiet enough to listen to my heart.  All this mental chatter about the future is making lose the present.

 

I hate the world today
You’re so good to me
I know but I can’t change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I’m an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
 
Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved
To see the softer side
I can understand how you’d be so confused
I don’t envy you
I’m a little bit of everything
All rolled into one
 
I’m a bitch
I’m a lover
I’m a child
I’m a mother
I’m a sinner
I’m a saint
And I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell
I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way
 
So take me as I am
This may mean you’ll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
And I’m going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won’t mean a thing
 
“The weather and my mood have little connection. I have my foggy and my fine days within me; my prosperity or misfortune has little to do with the matter.” ― Blaise Pascal

On, Off, or just dimmed?

21 Thursday Apr 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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While I was in Brazil B and I spoke every night.  We couldn’t wait to see each other again.

I arrived from Brazil on Tuesday morning.  This is a 9 and half hours flight.  All really started on Monday morning getting the covid test, praying for a negative result.  I get anxious imagining the worst.

After getting the negative result,  we finished getting ready and  drove over 4 hours to the airport.  At the airport, doing the checking in, getting a wheelchair for my 87 year old mother, then waiting another 3 hours to board the plane.  The flight left at 9pm and we got to JFK before 6am on Tuesday morning. Then proceed with the wheelchair, and getting through Immigration. 

I was nervous. My mom is a green card holder and she needs to come into the US at least every 6 months. She hasn’t been here in 3 years thanks to covid and health issues.  Still they could have given her a hard time, and my anxiety made me think of the worst: going for additional clearance and perhaps a court date to see a judge. Thankfully the agent was a joy and had no issues.

Then getting a car, getting home, unpacking, getting my mom settled, putting in a full day working from home. To me, the fact that I was at B’s house for dinner on Tuesday at 6pm was a sign that he was important to me.  I even skipped my Tuesday night mosaic studio time for him.  That should tell him something.  But he didn’t see it that way.

But let me back up a bit.  I got to his house and he had a beautiful bouquet of flowers waiting for me.  Gorgeous flowers!! The picture above doesn’t do them justice.

We had a great time, talking, eating and sipping wine.  All was fine, fun and yummy, until it was time for me to leave.  He acted shocked that I was leaving and not staying with him.  I was shocked that he was shocked.

I have stayed over twice before.  He assumed that after being away for 10 days I would.  Assumptions and expectations will kill a blossoming relationship faster than anything.

He proceeded to tell me how hurt and disappointment he was.  He said he didn’t feel important to me.  I didn’t know where all that was coming from.  I had already explained to him that in April and May I wasn’t going to have much time as I was going to Brazil for 10 days, get mom, she is staying here for 20 days, then I was going to go back to Brazil for another 20 days.

“You are at once both the quiet and the confusion of my heart; imagine my heartbeat when you are in this state.” ― Franz Kafka, Letters to Felice‎

When I had mentioned that,  he had said that his daughter would be coming from college in May and that, indeed, it would be hard to spend much time together.  We both had agreed that we would make the most and best of it.

What happened? Did he forget about all of that?  Is this covid mental fogginess of mine preventing me from understanding this? Is he right?

He said that I was doing the same thing I did 5 years ago.  Five years ago when we had a few dates, my sister and my best friend had just arrived from Brazil to stay 1 month.  I had mentioned that for one month it would be tough to get together as I wanted to dedicate time to them. 

What he seems to forget is that, now, as well, as back then, I had just barely met him.  This relationship is not even 2 months old now.  It may seem harsh, but my family comes first at this point.  It is not a competition, which he seems to be doing.

“Don’t be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible. Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen.” ― George Saunders, The Braindead Megaphone

We went from flowers to tears in a matter of hours. My head is still spinning.  I am still confused and thinking that he is creating problems where there are none.

I cried talking to him, more out of frustration, than out of sadness.  It is frustrating that in one minute we are on the same page and all is fine, and the next minute all is upside down. We were even thinking long term, and such plans.

Timing is indeed everything. And for now I am not even sure where we are. Are we on, off or what?  I got home that night and texted him thanking him for dinner and flowers. He replied with good night.

Yesterday, I texted him saying I was confused, and asking him if we are on or off, or what.  He said he was sad and hurt, that he was looking forward to spending time with me and that he didn’t want to be off.  I said I didn’t either.

As I am about to hit Publish on this post he texted me.  I will save that for the next post.

“At times he felt that he had almost rather not be in love with her, for it brought him no peace. What was the use of it, if it was only going to be painful?” ― Larry McMurtry, Lonesome Dove

The Uber Ride to feeling young forever

17 Sunday Apr 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“Youth is happy because it has the capacity to see beauty. Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.” ― Franz Kafka

I am in Brazil at the moment. I came to see my family and bring my mom back with me to spend 3 weeks in NY.

I have started multiple posts, but time is even shorter here, so I haven’t been able to finish any, so I am going to attempt to quickly write and post this.  Fingers crossed and forgive any typos.

I want to write about my ride to the airport.  My cousin was going to drive me, but he was going to try to fit me in between a couple of rides that he already had (he is a driver for a car service).  That didn’t work out.

For a moment I considered having B take me. He had offered when he heard I was taking a trip.  But I had said my cousin was going to take me.  I had already asked him for a ride on Monday when I had a colonoscopy. I didn’t want to use him this way again.

So I decided to call an Uber.  My experience with Uber to go to the airport is not the best. Most Ubers don’t want to go to the airport on a Friday, so they normally cancel.

I booked the ride and got the message that Jose would be coming in 12 minutes. I took all my 3 pieces of luggage outside in the front of the building. After 12 minutes I realized that Jose was driving to the back of the building. I called him and asked him to wait.

I had to take all 3 pieces of heavy luggage through the building and parking lot to the back. For the record, that was easier than asking him to drive around. Main Street New Rochelle has been a horror show with construction traffic. 

Finally I get to the car, get my luggage in and get settled in. I always try to make conversation with the driver.  Not everyone is responsive, Jose was.  The ride turned into a very inspiring experience. 

Jose, my driver, was turning 80 years old on that day!! I was in awe of how great he looked for his age, but not only that, I was impressed but his attitude.

We talked about everything, life, well-being, plans for the future, etc. Next year, when he turns 81, he plans to retire, move back to the Dominic Republic and study architecture. Meeting people like this gives me life.

“You are never too old to become younger!” ― Mae West

He talked about how he keeps in such amazing shape, physically, mentally and spiritually.  He shared with me some of his routine:

  • exercises at least 2 hours a day
  • no medication, he treats everything with natural remedies
  • his Bible: Alternative Cures by Bill Gotlieb (see pic at the top)
  • doesn’t watch tv, invests his time in reading and exercise
  • doesn’t stay on the phone chit-chatting with friends, no time for that.  His friends know he is there if they need him. 
  • stops working everyday at 6pm religiously. 
  • chooses gratitude every morning.
  • chooses to be happy no matter what is going on
  • massages – carries a massager with him, and at every opportunity he massages his back, face, feet, etc (see pic at the bottom)
  • adores life

His daughters wanted to pay his rent, but he said if he accepted that, then he would have to accept them meddling into his life.

He drove slow and safe through a very busy Friday rush hour. It was as if his was the only car on the road.  It was the most serene drive to the airport ever. Happy 80th birthday to Jose. May God bless all his days.

Jose and his positive attitude, and every older person that I meet that is full of life and plans, inspires me to live more and fully. The key to getting older but not feeling older it to always continue learning, growing, and looking to become better of body, mind and soul.

I realize that life at 56 is just beginning.

“Be game–take a chance–don’t hide behind veils and veils of discretion… Go forward with what you have to say, expressing things as you see them. You are new evidence, fresh and young. Your work, the spirit of youth, you are the progress of human evolution. If age dulls you it will be time enough then to be ponderous and heavy–or quit. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to be young, to continue growing–not to settle and accept.” ― Robert Henri, The Art Spirit

 

When the ego is out of line

27 Sunday Mar 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

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“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ― Rumi

Yesterday B and I celebrated our 1 month anniversary!  Yes, you heard me… 1 whole month!   I will be that annoying person that celebrate monthly anniversaries.  No longer counting dates, I now count months. 

We went to Tapas & Cucina, a restaurant that I like that is located in Eastchester, NY.  We shared different tapas.  We had spicy potatoes, meatballs, empanadas and eggplant. I had a passion fruit mimosa and he had chardonnay.   He stays away from sugar so he didn’t have dessert. I had the tiramisu.

He brought me beautiful flowers (that ones on the picture above).  He is very sweet and tender with me. It is so comfortable being with him.

But not everything is flowers. There are some thorns, and it is mostly my overreacting.

“Make your ego porous. Will is of little importance, complaining is nothing, fame is nothing. Openness, patience, receptivity, solitude is everything.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

I continue, often subconsciously, to look for excuses/reasons to run. I am trying to be aware and immediately stop anytime I feel myself going down that rabbit hole of self-sabotage.

He is trying hard to be understanding, and I am trying hard just being in the moment and not creating problems where there are none.

This time I had a problem when he changed the radio station in the car after I had chosen a radio station.     

I didn’t say anything at the moment, but he already knows me well and could sense it.  I am always talking, going silent for any amount of time signals to him that something is wrong.

“The moment you become aware of the ego in you, it is strictly speaking no longer the ego, but just an old, conditioned mind-pattern. Ego implies unawareness. Awareness and ego cannot coexist.” ― Eckhart Tolle

He asked: “Ana, come back, where did you go?  What happened?”

I said: ” nothing”,  but when he insisted I mentioned the radio. I was trying to work out the situation on my own and not say anything, but in the end I rather be transparent and say exactly what is going on.  He apologized profusely.  He said he thought he had asked me.

I understand how petty that is, but for some reason, any little thing can have me looking into the future, and predicting doom.  My ego was trying hard to make me believe that his changing the radio station meant he didn’t respect my choices.

After some time, I was able to shut my ego down, and forget about the radio, and we proceeded to have an awesome night.

I am not proud of my moody behavior. I am, however, proud that I am able to recognize some of my patterns and that I am actively working on changing them.  Baby steps.

“Don’t Just

Don’t just learn, experience.
Don’t just read, absorb.
Don’t just change, transform.
Don’t just relate, advocate.
Don’t just promise, prove.
Don’t just criticize, encourage.
Don’t just think, ponder.
Don’t just take, give.
Don’t just see, feel.
Don’t just dream, do.
Don’t just hear, listen.
Don’t just talk, act.
Don’t just tell, show.
Don’t just exist, live.”
― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

A post about everything

09 Wednesday Mar 2022

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Unlike Seinfeld, this post is about everything.

Bali is not enough!

I told the overly excited accountant that I am not interested in a second date.  He said: “It sounds like you have somebody else.”  I said: “No, that’s not it.”

And that is the truth.  Even if I was not interested in the Older guy from the past, I would still be saying no to him.  Being alone is not an issue for me. Being with the wrong person is.

He was a nice guy and he was trying hard. I feel for him.  He said he got divorced because his wife left him for a guy that made more money.  He is now very proud to be making a lot money.  Every conversation is about how well his business ventures are doing.

He was even talking about vacations in Bali.  He showed me the Instagram photos of the villa in Bali where we would be staying in.  All very tempting, but not tempting enough to forget that I know he is not the one for me.

“Rise above the deceptions and temptations of the mind. This is your duty. You are born for this only; all other duties are self-created and self-imposed owing to ignorance.” ― Sivananda

On the way to one month and more

Tomorrow night it will be the fourth date with B.  I will call him B. instead of Older Guy from the Past.  When do I stop counting dates?  Perhaps when it hits one month.  Then I will start counting months, then years.  Yes, I am feeling ambitious.

But no, I am not making any plans more than one date at a time.  The future no one knows, I will know when I get there. For now I am enjoying the infinite possibilities of the present moment.

“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.” – Thomas Merton

Peaceful time at work

There were two people at work that really annoyed me.  There was the guy that blocked me.  I thought I had canceled him, but turns out I cannot cancel co-workers on this program. So I blocked him back when he tried contacting me.  He now has to use email to reach me. That has been working fine.

The second was a woman that, one day would act as your best friend and the next would bit your head off.  She would become so defensive that it was impossible to have a conversation.  Things got a little better when she decided to just continuing working from home. She was easier to avoid over the phone.

She was fired this week.  While I am happy I will have peace from her, I feel bad when anyone gets fired.  Her firing had nothing to do with me.  It was due to poor performance.  If she were still bringing money to the company, she would still be here annoying me.

Sending her good wishes. May she find a better fit for her.

“Being agreeable didn’t make people less difficult.” ― Stewart O’Nan, Henry, Himself

It is like looking for a boyfriend, only worst

I am in search of a Primary care doctor.  I never cared for the one I had.  He never discussed anything.  I always felt he was in a hurry.  Am I asking too much for a little more time and attention?  Is it crazy to want a primary care doctor to go over blood test results, especially if some numbers are high?  His assistants were also the worst.

He has been my doctor for the past 4 years. I don’t like changes, but decided that keeping him because I don’t like changes is stupid. Similar to dating, I decided to start looking until I find the right one for me.

Also, on the health topic, I have scheduled an appointment with a gastroenterologist.  Since I contracted covid at the end of December, I have chronic heartburn.  I removed some of the foods that seemed to trigger it, and I keep taking Pepcid AC, Omeprazole, and other medications. Those helped a little.  At this point, my family and friends are worried and want me to have it checked.  I will also be speaking to the doctor about getting a colonoscopy.  I never had it, and I think the time is now.

“Doctors always think anybody doing something they aren’t is a quack; also they think all patients are idiots.” ― Flannery O’Connor, The Habit of Being: Letters of Flannery O’Connor

That is all for now folks!!  Thank you for the joy you give me when you visit!  I offer you a calorie free virtual slice of homemade chocolate cake. ♥♥  I would offer you Godiva Chocolates if I had any 😉

 

Giving it another shot

07 Monday Mar 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Update on the date, well, dates, with the man that I had a few dates with 5 years ago. 

1st date. Feb 25. We met at Modern Restaurant.  I had a lychee martini, he had chardonnay.  We shared meatballs and zucchini frites.  Everything was delicious.

When I walked in he was sitting at the bar.  I approached him and hugged him hello. I don’t think he was expecting a hug. I had wondered what would be like seeing him after 5 years.  Nothing had changed.  There was still chemistry.

We quickly got started in updating each other.  When we last saw each other, my sister was just moving to the US.  Now it will be 5 years that she is here.  His daughter was starting High School, now she is in college.

He is not struggling with thoughts of the dead wife anymore. At this point he is done with the grieving process and has been actively dating.  I always thought the reason he ghosted me was that he couldn’t forget the wife.

He is the oldest man I ever dated.  He is 65 years old.  I normally get along better with younger men, but, for some reason, there is something about him.

At the end, he drove me home, a whole block away 😊.  At my door, I just said bye and left the car, there was no kissing or anything and it was perfect like that.

“I had to heal… I had to stop trying to nourish my present life with expired moments. I had to move on… So that I could experience new love without being afraid of old pain.” ― Steve Maraboli

On Sunday, Feb 27, he texted me, but I had to keep the texting short as I was getting ready to go to dinner.

On Tuesday, Feb 29, he texted again and asked if I wanted to go to dinner.  I said yes and we decided to meet the next day. He then wrote: “I will pick you up.” 

I said: “oh you will pick me up?”

He said: “yes, you mentioned you don’t like driving”

Stuff like that means the world to me.  It shows that he was paying attention to what I was saying, and to my likes and dislikes. 

People pay attention: Show you care by your actions and not by words.

We went to Rio Bravo, a Mexican Restaurant in Larchmont. I had chimichangas and he had the enchilada. I had a mojito and he had wine.

The conversation flowed and he mentioned that he didn’t think he ghosted me, he thought I was not interested.  In our last date 5 years ago, he said I was mad when I met him for dinner.  He had texted me something more risqué, and I thought it was too much too soon.  Then during dinner my sister called to mention the fire alarm going off, and I said I had to leave.  He thought there was no alarm and it was something that was pre-arranged to cut the date short.

I was shocked as I remembered none of it.  While I definitely didn’t plan on my sister calling to bail me, I am recalling bits and pieces of that evening.  I remember being moody about something. 

He also mentioned that at that point in time, he definitely was not in a mental space to date.  Perhaps we are both in a better space now.  Perhaps we are both older and wiser.

When he dropped me at my door we kissed good bye.  It was short, sweet and perfect.

“New love is grand. Savor all the crazy, muddled might of it.”
― Eli Easton, The Mating of Michael

The third date was on Friday, March 4th.  He offered to pick me up but I said I would drive.  I don’t like driving but it made more sense.  He lives near the place we were going to. 

I rather let him pick me up when the place is hard to get to, and parking is not easily available.

We went to Chat American Grill in Scarsdale, NY.  I had a couple of passion fruit cosmopolitans and he had chardonnay.  That is his drink of choice.  We shared some appetizers of spring rolls, salad and artichoke.   

When we left we walked to his car and he drove me back to mine.  There was some kissing involved.  And it was good. 😊

It is a bit scary to find someone I really like after so long, specially someone that I had a some history with.  I am trying hard not to start sabotaging this, and to give it a real chance. 

I am doing all I can to stay in the moment, and enjoy all as is. It may last or it may not, and that is not the point.  The point is not to waste the moment trying to control the outcome.

“I know you think I’m crazy. Maybe that’s because I am. About life, about this moment, about you.” ― Crystal Woods, Write like no one is reading

Skiing Day at Hunter Mountain

14 Monday Feb 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“If everything seems under control, you’re not going fast enough.” ― Mario Andretti

I hope everyone had a great Valentines Day! Around here it was uneventful. No flowers or Godiva chocolates ☹ Not complaining, just stating a fact.  

On Sunday I had the skiing date. Well, it was not really a date, I should just say: I went skiing with a friend.  There was not a word or gesture of romance, and I am happy about that.  We are definitely perfect as friends.

I left home very early Sunday morning and stopped by his lake house, that it is half way to mountain.  He had been staying there since Friday. He showed me around and from there we drove to the mountain.

It was a beautiful drive.  We talked and joked as if we have known each other forever. There was no lack of topics to talk about.  He has lived in many other countries and has many stories to tell, but he was also very interested in listening about me and my stories.

Hunter Mountain is a beautiful area located in the northern Catskills Mountains.  As far as skiing is concerned is neither the best best nor the worst I have been to.  It was very cold, and towards the end of the day there were some ice patches on the trails.

“A gentleman is someone who does not what he wants to do, but what he should do.” ― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

He was such a gentleman in every way.  He was concerned about the fit of my boots, asking the rental guys to have me try different ones, even though I had brought my own.  He wanted to drop me off near the entrance and then go park, but as faith would have it there was a perfect spot right there where he was going to drop me off. He carried my skis for me. At all times he was concerned about my comfort level.  It didn’t feel too much.  I felt taken care of.

Speaking of comfort level, why do I love skiing?  Everything about the sport is painful.  The tight boots on the slopes, walking liking Frankenstein’s monster across the parking lot.  Carrying the heavy skis. Wearing the many layers of clothing. The expensive lift ticket, well, everything is expensive on the mountain.  The long lines to get on the chair, long lines everywhere really. And let’s not forget the cold.

“Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature’s peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop away from you like the leaves of Autumn.” ― John Muir, The Mountains of California

Still,  I adore it!  Being on the mountain feels very freeing, and yet so challenging to me.  I forget about everything.  My only thought is to get down the mountain, and then go up again.  I fear the speed, and yet I love it when, by chance, I speed up a little.  Those few moments between gaining speed, and then feeling like I am totally out of control are priceless. 

Getting back to the day.  He has been skiing forever and is a great skier, so he was able to teach me a lot.  He corrected my form, we did some drills, he gave me tips.  He was so much better than most of the skiing instructors I have had in the past.  In the end I noticed some progress.  He said he did too. 

He said I can go skiing with him any time I want.  He is at that mountain every week. I am not sure I would make the same trip again.  It was too much for one day only.  Total driving time of almost 5 hours.  Perhaps I will go back for a couple of days.  For day trips I am searching for places closer to home.

I made a friend and I skied.  Life is great!

“Do not compete with others! Pick a high speed for yourself that suits high ideals and try to catch and surpass that speed!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan

A non-date date

11 Friday Feb 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“If you don’t do it this year, you’ll be one year older when you do.” ― Warren Miller

I had a quick date on Wednesday night.  I met this guy months ago on OKCupid.  I am not longer on that site.  He left the site first and gave me his number so we could keep in touch.

I eventually texted him and we started exchanging messages.  Even though we live only 30 minutes apart, it was hard to make plans to meet until now. 

We chose to meet in Bronxville, NY.  It is has a charming downtown.  We were going to meet at Starbucks, but when I got there he was standing outside.  They had just closed.  It was good thing. We walked around and found a better place.

“I feel the need to endanger myself every so often.” ― Tim Daly

The place we found is called Slave to the Grind. It reminded me of coffee shops in skiing resort towns, which was apropos since this was more of a skiing date, then a romantic date.

Let me explain: One of the reasons that we connected was our love of skiing.  Mine is more of a platonic love, since I seldom ski, and I am not really good at it.  His, is a full blown love affair. He has been skiing since he was 10, and still races from time to time.  

I just found out yesterday that he has a home in Whistler, BC, which is my absolute favorite place on earth! Icing on the cake!

He is over 60 years old, but I don’t remember his exact age, and didn’t want to ask again.  He looks younger in person.  Taller than me, bald, smart, cultured and personable. He is involved in international business.  Mostly retired now, he does some consulting on the side. 

“Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country.” ― Steven Wright

We started talking as if we have known each other for years, and not just months of texting.  It was not a long date.  We mostly talked about our backgrounds and of course, skiing.

He invited me to go skiing on Sunday and I said yes.  I think he can teach me a lot.  I am hoping to get a few pointers and perhaps gain more confidence.

Even though he is a great person it seems that we are both more into being skiing friends than anything else.  It felt more like meeting a skiing buddy than a potential boyfriend.  I think that, at this point, I am more excited about finding a skiing partner than a love match. 

Before I forget, I had the mocha with oat milk and a scone.  The mocha was delicious and the scone was bad.  Is tasted old, I don’t think they make their own baked goods. I would go back for the coffee. He had a cappuccino, which I believe he enjoyed. 🙂

Skiing report coming on Monday!  Wish me luck!

“The problem with winter sports is that — follow me closely here — they generally take place in winter.” ― Dave Barry

Tenant, you go bye bye, so I can fly, fly

05 Saturday Feb 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“We tend to overpack. If it does not add value to your life journey, don’t bring it along for the ride.” ― Anthon St. Maarten

The business of being a landlord is great, but not for me.

I had great tenants in the past, that paid on time and never had any complaints. And some not so great. At the moment I have one of those.  He pays late and complains about every little thing, at all hours of day and night.

I am at fault for not setting him straight from the beginning.  I catered to every little thing he wanted, and didn’t make a big deal of the late rent.  All of a sudden, years have gone by and I am feeling like a hostage.

“Don’t plan for the future until you have removed and unpacked the baggage on your back.” ― Charles F Glassman

In 2019 I sold the other rental I had.  I thought I would regret selling it, because I loved the place, but instead I felt lighter.  I no longer dread the calls from the tenant or from the super of that building.

I didn’t want to sell both condos in the same year.  Also, since this is a one bedroom apartment, and by this time my tenant is married with 2 little kids; I thought that he would be moving out sooner, rather then later.  He never did.

In 2020, when I was about to ask him to move out,  there came Covid.  In 2021 it was the same story.

“You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.”
― Toni Morrison, Song of Solomon

Finally, this January, I gave him notice to move out by April 15th.  He is now complaining that 3 months is not enough time for them to move out.  No matter what, the apartment will go on the market on April 16.

I cannot wait for it to be on the market and and to be sold. It will feel like I have shed another heavy layer.

In a prior post I mentioned, in response to a date’s question, that I wanted a series of homes in different places.  The truth is, I don’t.

Don’t get me wrong, the idea is great; if they all came absolutely maintenance free.  That would be a perfect world, where material possessions didn’t require any looking after.

“No baggage – there was the secret of existence.”
― Robert Louis Stevenson, The Wrecker

In this not-so-perfect world, the more one has, the more it takes to maintain.  It takes more money, more time, more energy, more dealing with painful people, etc.  I don’t want any more of that, than I already have to deal with.

I aim to have less.  Less to worry about.  It helps that I am disliking shopping more and more.  I have to buy a bedroom set and and I keep avoiding dealing with it. I wish I could go without a car also, but it is a necessary evil.

I want to get rid of stuff.  I want to feel lighter and unencumbered.   I want less baggage, less energy spent taking care of maintaining stuff.  I don’t want to be tied to places and things. I don’t want to spend energy on things.

I want to be so light that I can feel like I can fly.

Wishing you a light weekend full of light and blessings!

“Only, in the end, you will realize. Among all the baggage you carried all your life, you didn’t own most of them. And the remaining weren’t as important as you always thought or expected it to be.” – Akshay Vasu, The Musings of Light and Darkness: Collection of words for the wandering souls

 

Old-fashioned much?

26 Wednesday Jan 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

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“Never marry at all, Dorian. Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

I finally met J. for a 4th date.   I was hoping that I would feel differently seeing him again, but I feel the same way.  Not too much excitement.  He is a great guy but the little chemistry that seemed to be there is gone.  

The absence didn’t make the heart grow fonder.  It made it grow indifferent.

I was honest with him, that I was feeling overwhelmed and pressured by all his attention, texting and calling.  It felt too much, too soon.  I felt he was in love with the idea of me and a relationship.

He mentioned that when I had Covid he wanted to send me flowers but didn’t have my apartment number.  I said I was glad that he didn’t, it would have been nice, but way too much too soon. He said that even if we were just friends he would still send me flowers if I was sick.  I doubt that.

On the first date he had mentioned that he broke up with his last girlfriend because she was overdoing with the texting and sending pictures daily.  I pointed out now that he was doing the same thing to me.  He said he understood.  He said he was okay with just being friends.

“I can officially confirm that the way to a man’s heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.” ― Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones’s Diary

His birthday was on the beginning of January, so before we ordered our drinks and meals I mentioned that I was going to treat him for his birthday.  He didn’t want to accept, but finally agreed.

We always talk a lot, with some agreeing and disagreeing about different topics.  At one point he asked me what I wanted for my future, how I saw my future.

I answered that I wasn’t sure and didn’t really have my future/retirement planned out.  Then, I added that it would be perfect to have an apartment in Manhattan, one in Paris, a chalet on a skiing mountain and, for good measure, a beach house. 

He said: “Good luck with finding a man to give you that!”

I was taken aback, and honestly shocked and disappointed with his comment. It stopped me on my tracks.  I said to him:

“What? Why can I achieve that and more on my own?  You didn’t ask me what I was looking for in a man, or for a man to give me.  

He said that he was sorry, that he was joking.  But the damage was done.  Is that really what he thinks of me, and women? 

This clearly illustrates that he has no idea of who I am.  No one that knows me, would ever say that, even joking. We other points where we disagreed, and again he said he was joking.

“Assumptions are the termites of relationships.”
― Henry Winkler

As I mentioned here, I don’t ever want to pay on the first date (I have at times when I knew I was never going to see the guy again and felt sorry he had overspent).  As a rule, I don’t care if it is a cup of coffee, I want to be treated on the first date.  On other dates, I don’t have a problem splitting the bill, or taking turns paying, like I do with my friends. 

With J., it has been no different.  After the first date, I offered to split the bill or treat him.  He always said no, and added that he would never have me pay.  Still, I have tried.  

If I wanted a guy to give me material things, I would have stayed with some of the rich guys I have met in the past, chemistry or not.  But that is not what I look for.  

What I want most is summed up by Steve Maraboli:

“I want love, passion, honesty, and companionship… sex that

drives me crazy and conversation that drives me sane.”

Financially speaking, I don’t care what a man does for a living as long as it is honest, and hopefully it is something he is not miserable doing.   

He doesn’t need to be rich, all he needs is to be able to support himself.  I have no interest in doing that.

I don’t need or want a man to support me either.  I have been doing that very well since I was 17 years old, and I plan on continuing to do so.

Who knows, maybe I will have the apartment in Manhattan and in France, the house in the mountains and the house on the beach.  Achieving it all, all by myself! 😉

The next morning he sends me a picture. I guess he didn’t get it.

“Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.” ― Lady Gaga