“Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion.” -Rumi
Last night I saw anxiety creeping in. Yes I actually saw it. I looked in the mirror and the face looking back at me was not the usual smiling face with bright shiny eyes. This face had dead sad eyes and the lips were just there, unmovable walls. Looking in the mirror only made the dark feelings intensify.
Nothing made sense. Nothing felt right. I was alone. I was weak.
I knew that if I gave into those feelings I would soon be crying and feeling totally powerless and beaten. Crying is definitely okay in my book but when I have a reason for it. Crying out of pity for myself is not productive, it is not what I do, it is not who I am.
I felt hungry as if I hadn’t eaten in days. I wanted to head to the fridge and stuff my face in something sweet. I wanted to drown the sad feelings in a tub of ice cream. I wanted chocolate cookies to prevent my tears from falling. I wanted my best friend Sugar to assure me that I was going to be okay.
The problem with my friend Sugar is that it is such a sneaky weasel. It takes me to amazing high levels of euphoria and then, not too long after it has me crashing down. That is a roller coaster that tonight I refuse to get on.
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” – Rumi
I am smarter than that. I know this is not a physical hunger, after all I just had a great dinner of brown rice, vegetables and chicken. I even had a tiny piece of cheesecake for dessert. This is my being crying out for attention. This was my body trying to make my insides feel better by giving in to outsides urges.
Sugar is my drug of choice. For you it may be something else, alcohol, shopping, etc, Whatever it is, when used in this way it is not a friend, it is an enemy.
I knew exactly what prompted the feelings I was having. It all started 30 minutes before.
“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?” – Rumi
Around 8:30pm I called P. He calls every night and last night I decided I should call for a change and to let him know that I do think of him. The call went straight to voice mail. Immediately I felt like I was punched on the stomach. How dare he not answer the phone and worse, why it is off. It didn’t feel right. Immediately my delusional self starting conjuring up all kinds of thoughts.
That was on top of having gone this entire week without scheduling a date. We talked about meeting Saturday night and/or Sunday, and even me possibly going to his house, but there is nothing definite. And of also realizing that he is still on the dating app.
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” – Rumi
The woman in me that got cheated on over 5 years ago came back full force and started connecting the invisible dots and creating stories. I vow not to be made a fool ever again. I thought he was probably on a date and turned the phone off not to be disturbed. Not only was he on a date but he would probably start liking her better than he likes me. Soon this blossoming relationship would shrivel up and die.
The reality is that we have known each other for less than a month and have gone on 4 dates only. Even though we both feel this is different, we really have no clue. I realize that relationships need to marinated, need be tended to, need to have air to breath.
There is nothing really happening. We are both free to date other people. I like to say that competition is welcomed. It only makes me look better.
I don’t believe that every guy will cheat on me. I also believe that there is a guy for me out there and I am not sure it is him. I am also not sure it is not him yet.
“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.” – Rumi
Where is this delusional, insecure, paranoid, jealous woman coming from?
Then it hits me:
I am glad I keep track of it. I look at the app in my phone and there it is. I am in the middle of PM. I know these feeling are momentary and not based in reality. I know they will pass. All I have to do is be okay with feeling uncomfortable and sad for a moment.
The feeling of doom. The feeling that the world is coming to an end. The paralysis. That is what PMS feels like to me. I even warn people about it, as I know I can be a little out of my mind at that time.
So it is just you, PMS, old frenemy! You don’t own me! You can mess up my hormones every now and then, but I will show you who the boss is!
“Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.” – Rumi
So I did the only thing I could think to do:
I put some loud music on and I danced. I danced like no one was watching and no one really was. If they were they would probably want to join in as I was having so much fun. I danced as if I wanted the dance moves to shake the fears and anxiety away from my body.
I danced with my soul. It was a freedom, gratitude, euphoria, wanting to live and love dance!!
I felt instantly better. I felt alive! I felt energized! I felt grounded and centered! Life returned to my eyes, the smile to my lips. As in a miracle, the dark cloud lifted.
To continue on my good mood trajectory, I started thinking of all the blessings I have in my life. The list is so huge and amazing, it is impossible to be sad or down when confronted with that knowledge.
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi
At 9:44pm he texted me to say sorry. He said he had fallen asleep without saying good night. He said he had laid down for a minute and didn’t wake up until now.
I said that I thought he was out and about and had the phone off not to be bothered. He said the battery had died on his phone.
Do I believe him? I don’t know! At this point I don’t care. There is nothing going on. We are getting to know each other. So I am keeping an open mind and will trust until I have a reason not to. I will also not create problems and be overly dramatic or clingy.
The odd thing is that getting his text didn’t make me feel happy or relieved. It was indifferent. Proving to me that at the end of the day, we are in charge of our emotions and well-being. No one can make you feel better or worse, loved or unloved. Only you have that power. The sooner we realize that the happier we become.
“Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” – Rumi
This is the first time I use dance as a coping mechanism, as a pacifier and medication. I normally go to gratitude and prayer.
May I offer everyone that suggestion? Next time you are down, how about you get up and dance. While dancing you can make mental lists of all blessings and say a prayer thanking for all of those blessings.
The dancing reminded me of one of my favorite poets and scholar: Rumi. His poems and teachings really resonate with me. They touch my inner being. They make life make sense to me. They make me want to love with abandon.
“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.”
With Rumi in my mind I peppered this post with his quotes and I offer everyone this poem. I hope that everyone at some point in their lives get to love with abandon.
“I want to see you.
Know your voice.
Recognize you when you
first come ’round the corner.
Sense your scent when I come
into a room you’ve just left.
Know the lift of your heel,
the glide of your foot.
Become familiar with the way
you purse your lips
then let them part,
just the slightest bit,
when I lean in to your space
and kiss you.
I want to know the joy
of how you whisper