Tag Archives: trying and trying again

the dating continues…

04 Friday Sep 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” ― Carl Gustav Jung

Since G, the insecure personal trainer, has become history there has been a few guys that I had been speaking to and  2 that I met.  

I met F – The Widower.  We first started speaking 1 year ago on POF. He kept asking for additional pictures.  I felt I had plenty on my profile and refused to sent to him.  He kept insisting, I got annoyed and decided that I didn’t want to meet him at all.  After meeting again on Match I finally gave in and met him for a drink.  He drove 1 hour,  I took literally 30 steps to the Italian restaurant next to my apartment.  That was the extent of effort I was willing to put into this date and he knew it.

It was a friendly meeting.  He talked a lot about his late wife who died 10 years ago, and apparently became a saint.  No one can and wants to compete with a saint.  He wants to go out again. I am interested in friendship only.

“We have to recognise that there cannot be relationships unless there is commitment, unless there is loyalty, unless there is love, patience, persistence.” ― Cornel West

I met T – The Client.  We met on Match and realized that we were in the same industry and that he was actually a former customer.  Since he is no longer a customer I decided to meet up.

Since we were meeting at a Brazilian restaurant next door to my sister’s job on 46th Street in Manhattan my sister joined us half way through the date. It was a lot fun.  There was a lot laughing.

We had passion fruit and lime caipirinhas and had some yummy skirt steak with rice, beans and yucca fries. We also had cheese bread and some other appetizers. We took home chocolate and coconut fudge balls.  Those little desserts are so delicious!

Since I brought my sister along, I insisted on paying half. He didn’t want to agree but I beat him to the check and made sure to pay half.  He insisted on walking us to the train station.  We kept in touch and will meet again but I am not sure there were romance vibes for me.

“Never marry at all, Dorian. Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.” ― Oscar Wilde,  The Picture of Dorian Gray

I am currently talking to a few guys but 2 seem interesting enough to text/talk so I gave them my number:

M-the Neighbor.  We realized the we live just a couple of blocks away from each other.  The other day I waved to him when I was walking home from work.  He doesn’t know where exactly where I live.  We will be meeting one of these days.  So far we are having trouble coming up with a time.  It will probably happen some time next week.  We haven’t spoken a lot, mostly exchange a few texts here and there, but he seems like a good guy.

A-the Renter.  We have been speaking for 1 month.  He currently lives in California but is moving to Manhattan in the next few weeks.  I am calling him The Renter because 80% of our conversations are about the rental market in Manhattan.  He has been back and forth from CA but because of COVID quarantine requirements we haven’t met yet.

At this point it seems neither of us are in a hurry to meet.  I normally like to meet right away, the longer one talks without meeting there is the change of creating a false sense of intimacy and thinking there is more connection than there is. There is also a bigger potential for miscommunication.

“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures bristling with prejudice and motivated by pride and vanity.” ― Dale Carnegie

A few days ago I detected a change.  A text went unanswered and later he said something about not feeling well and going to bed earlier.  A perfectly plausible excuse, but that is not what my gut is telling me.  The texting and calls decreased, and so did my interest.  But I still think we can meet and be friends.

I want to meet someone and be transformed.  Not because he is making me better, or I am making him better, but because we can no longer imagine a time when we weren’t in each other’s lives. I want the love that emboldens and strengthens us and make us want to conquer the world.  So I search and search…

“Even if you cannot change all the people around you, you can change the people you choose to be around. Life is too short to waste your time on people who don’t respect, appreciate, and value you. Spend your life with people who make you smile, laugh, and feel loved.” ― Roy T. Bennett

 

Chivalry is not dead, and neither are some old boyfriends

08 Friday Feb 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

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“A gentleman is someone who does not what he wants to do, but what he should do.”  – Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

The cutest thing happened today.  I have been the recipient of chivalry and it felt so good.

Today I decided to take a taxi to work from the train station instead of walking 11 blocks.  It was raining and I was carrying a huge bag of bagels, cream cheese and butter.

When the cab stopped to let me out, and as I was paying, this guy comes and opens my door.  I was startled and said thank you.  Then I felt silly for saying thank you because I imagined that he was wanting to get in the cab and was trying to hurry me along.

I paid and got out.  He closed the door and proceeded to walk along me.  I asked him:  Aren’t you getting in the cab?  He said: no.  Oh, I said, thank you so much that was nice.  It doesn’t happen often.

He smiled a big beautiful white smile and said: it should.  I do it all the time.

I smiled and turned the corner and he proceeded to go straight. We were both looking back and smiling at each other.

This nice gesture put a little extra spring on my step today.

***

“Now I know what a ghost is. Unfinished business, that’s what.”  – ― Salman Rushdie, The Satanic Verses

Yesterday there must have been something in the water or the moon was in a special way.  Three men from the past reached out.

I think it has to do with Valentine’s Day approaching.  Seeing all the hearts and advertisement telling us that we all need to be coupled.   Or perhaps they are feeling extra lonely and thinking of all of the ones that got away.

Anthony-  He works in Risk Management.   We had met online and started a phone and texting relationship, but we never met.  We were getting along great and he was trying to get his schedule in order for us to meet, then he just disappeared.

This is now his excuse and I quote: “Between my new job, settling in a place and my Mom was sick for a while. I did not have time to myself.”

Why can’t people just say what is going on instead of disappearing?  I will never know the real reason why he disappeared.  I don’t really care at this point.

I may meet him as a friend.  Once something like that happens it turns me off romantically but I like to keep an open mind as far as making new friends.

“Conscience is no more than the dead speaking to us.”  – ― Jim Carroll

Peter – He is a stockbroker.  I have written a few blog posts about him.  We had a few dates, everything seemed fine, and then he turned distant.  He is the guy that took me to the Opera.  See his text below.

I don’t have a problem saying hello every now and then or even having a drink as friends, but I am definitely not interested in romance.

Frankie- works for the NY court system.  I have written about him in the past.  We had a few dates 12 years ago (he actually remembered the exact day we met).  I broke it off saying I was too busy to date.  It does sound like an excuse.  I do not remember why I broke things off.

Anyway, I mostly ignore him, especially since he told me he has had a girlfriend since we broke up.  I am not interested in him romantically, but don’t want to meet as friends either.  I don’t want any issues.

At one point I asked him why he continues texting me when I mostly ignore him.  He said:  because you are an awesome person and I want to be your friend.

He will text good morning or good night sometimes.  He will text about any holiday we may have. Or he will say: hi stranger.   I mostly don’t reply to his texts.   But not matter what, few or even several months will go by and he will say hello again.  I have to admire his tenacity.

This is his text from last night.

Since he has sent me brownies a couple of times in the past for my birthday  I am not shocked that he thought about taking me out for Valentine’s Day.  This time I had to reply and find out what he was thinking.  He wasn’t thinking, that is the answer.  I cannot blame a guy for trying.

“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan Press On! has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.” – Calvin Coolidge

It’s not you, it’s me!

30 Saturday Jan 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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MF and I bonded over our love of Seinfeld.  Unfortunately in breaking up I will have to use the “It’s not you, it’s me” routine.  He will react as surprised as Seinfeld, as it seems all is going well.  And it is, because I have been willing to ignore the lack of passion and certain nagging feelings.

I realized that I have been trying to convince myself that he can be the one.  I have been forcing it and trying to make it work.  Love cannot be forced.  Chemistry cannot be created and it doesn’t magically appear.  It is either there or not there.

I took the day off from work yesterday and went skiing with him.  We had a great time… as friends on a day out.  Romantically something was missing.  Something has been missing from day one.

We just don’t match in the romance and intimacy department.  I thought he was just shy and nervous in the beginning and that things would improve.  They did improve but not enough.  We are just different and expect different things.

He is a great friend and a great company. He is kind and considerate. He is up for anything I want to do or try.  I am going to miss the company and I hate to hurt him but leading him on is not fair.

I will be back to having to do things alone, but I much rather that than to feel I am using someone.  What I am going to miss most is the nightly phone call where I get to go on and on about stupid stuff and he so patiently listens.

Besides the lack of romance, there is this nagging feeling that something else is not right.  I have a feeling that there is something I don’t know.  He has been very open with me, but still there is this feeling that I cannot shake it.

It may sound silly but I am not willing to ignore this unsettling feeling.  I am also not willing to settle for a relationship without passion, without sex.  If this relationship, that is barely 3 months old is already this passionless, I cannot imagine it 6 months down the road.

“A great fire burns within me, but no one stops to warm themselves at it, and passers-by only see a wisp of smoke” – Vincent van Gogh

We don’t see each other often and when we do we already act like we have been married for 20 years.  I want a man that cannot wait to see me and take me in his arms, as in my past relationships.

I have already talked about that with him a month ago.  I mentioned my needs and wants.  He asked me to be patient and to give us a chance.  I feel I did.  To keep going when I know something is lacking will make me feel like I am using him.

He is a great guy, hard-working, honest, great father, and many other great qualities.  Many women will love to be with him, but he is not the one for me. I tried to make it work, but it has gotten to the point that I settled for passionless.  I also now find fault with a lot things he does.  I am now like a dictator telling him exactly what he needs to do.  I don’t like that feeling.  I am becoming a critical nag.

I hope he understands my feelings and that he can still be my friend, as I love talking and spending time with him.  He mentioned in the beginning that we would always be friends, so we shall see.

I also feel that if I stay with somebody that is great but not the one, I am not leaving room in my life for the right person to arrive.  I am also impeding the other person from finding their true match.

I want everything or nothing at all.  I want a friend and a lover.  I don’t think I should have to choose.  Better alone than with the wrong person.

Now back to singlehood!

 

“I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
Like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.”
― Pablo Neruda