MF and I bonded over our love of Seinfeld. Unfortunately in breaking up I will have to use the “It’s not you, it’s me” routine. He will react as surprised as Seinfeld, as it seems all is going well. And it is, because I have been willing to ignore the lack of passion and certain nagging feelings.
I realized that I have been trying to convince myself that he can be the one. I have been forcing it and trying to make it work. Love cannot be forced. Chemistry cannot be created and it doesn’t magically appear. It is either there or not there.
I took the day off from work yesterday and went skiing with him. We had a great time… as friends on a day out. Romantically something was missing. Something has been missing from day one.
We just don’t match in the romance and intimacy department. I thought he was just shy and nervous in the beginning and that things would improve. They did improve but not enough. We are just different and expect different things.
He is a great friend and a great company. He is kind and considerate. He is up for anything I want to do or try. I am going to miss the company and I hate to hurt him but leading him on is not fair.
I will be back to having to do things alone, but I much rather that than to feel I am using someone. What I am going to miss most is the nightly phone call where I get to go on and on about stupid stuff and he so patiently listens.
Besides the lack of romance, there is this nagging feeling that something else is not right. I have a feeling that there is something I don’t know. He has been very open with me, but still there is this feeling that I cannot shake it.
It may sound silly but I am not willing to ignore this unsettling feeling. I am also not willing to settle for a relationship without passion, without sex. If this relationship, that is barely 3 months old is already this passionless, I cannot imagine it 6 months down the road.
“A great fire burns within me, but no one stops to warm themselves at it, and passers-by only see a wisp of smoke” – Vincent van Gogh
We don’t see each other often and when we do we already act like we have been married for 20 years. I want a man that cannot wait to see me and take me in his arms, as in my past relationships.
I have already talked about that with him a month ago. I mentioned my needs and wants. He asked me to be patient and to give us a chance. I feel I did. To keep going when I know something is lacking will make me feel like I am using him.
He is a great guy, hard-working, honest, great father, and many other great qualities. Many women will love to be with him, but he is not the one for me. I tried to make it work, but it has gotten to the point that I settled for passionless. I also now find fault with a lot things he does. I am now like a dictator telling him exactly what he needs to do. I don’t like that feeling. I am becoming a critical nag.
I hope he understands my feelings and that he can still be my friend, as I love talking and spending time with him. He mentioned in the beginning that we would always be friends, so we shall see.
I also feel that if I stay with somebody that is great but not the one, I am not leaving room in my life for the right person to arrive. I am also impeding the other person from finding their true match.
I want everything or nothing at all. I want a friend and a lover. I don’t think I should have to choose. Better alone than with the wrong person.
Now back to singlehood!
“I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.
I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.
I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,
and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
Like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.”
― Pablo Neruda