Tag Archives: Dating

Weekly Update: Date, stress, Sauna

06 Tuesday Nov 2018

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I finally had the date with P.  He was a handsome guy, but no chemistry.  He wants a second date but I don’t think there is any reason for it, even though I didn’t say no.

He missed the chance of making a good first impression but going ahead and getting his coffee and quiche before I got to the coffee shop.  I got there only a few minutes after him.  When I sat down he was drinking a espresso and said: ” I was hungry and ordered a quiche”.  There was no question or offer to get me anything.  I think that is rude and in bad taste.  It tells me he is either cheap or clueless.  If he is so cheap that he doesn’t want to buy me a cup of coffee on the first date I hate to think how it will be if we ever start a relationship.  If he is just clueless on how to treat a lady, I don’t think I have the energy and time to retrain a 55 year old man.

There was also some difference of opinions that I think it would become more apparent if we were to embark on a relationship.  I am a believer of things I cannot see (God, angels, etc).  He believes in only things that can be seen and proven.  There is nothing wrong with his beliefs, but I think it could cause problems in the future.

There were also additional things that I didn’t care about.   I am not sure if it is just me being picky or really some things are red flags and I should be aware of them.

“[Marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair to get in, and those within despair of getting out.” ― Michel de Montaigne

***

The issue with my tenant continues. I realize that to some people conflicts such as this would barely register but I get extremely anxious about any situation in limbo.  He told me he didn’t decide yet if he is moving out or not but he also is not returning to the apartment until the people next door moves.

This being in limbo makes me nuts.  Leave or stay but make a decision.  I said to him not matter his decision he has to pay the rent.  I got a bit annoyed at his audacity of thinking he can do whatever he wants with no regards to me.  Also accusing me of not doing something about a situation that I have no control of it is offensive to me since I have done all I could, always.

I am not cut out to be a landlord.

“In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don’t try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present.” -― Lao Tzu

***

Works keeps surprising me with new challenges. I guess it is only fitting since I remember complaining that my job held no challenges.

Now I found out that if we have a Russian customer or a customer with Russian ties they have only 14 days to pay from the date of the invoice.  No one pays within 14 days in our industry.  We are lucky to get paid within 30 days.  Our bank flagged the payment and returned the money to the customer.  We have been told that any payments from them will be flagged if we try to collect this invoice again.

It is safe to say that we are staying away from Russians now.  We are also following closely the OFAC list of sanctions.

Then there are NFA’s and FinCEN’s regulations that make me require more information of new customers.  The customers are not happy with me. All these regulations are making me crazy.

“Challenge and adversity are meant to help you know who you are. Storms hit your weakness, but unlock your true strength.” ― Roy T. Bennett

***

On Sunday I went to the sauna and gym again with my friend.  Afterwards we went to a vegan restaurant.  It was okay, not really my cup of tea.

At the gym I need to be very careful not to overdo with the weights.  I have very strong legs and I like to do very heavy weights, but I realize I am just beginning and I also have hip and back issues.

The feeling of doing something healthy for my body is great.  This feeling of power travels to all areas of my life.

Stay tune for Miss Invincible!  She is returning!

“Who then is invincible? The one who cannot be upset by anything outside their reasoned choice.”  – ― Epictetus

 

 

 

Friends and dates and a kiss at the end.

02 Saturday Dec 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.” – Mark Twain

On Saturday I met my doctor friend for brunch. As I mentioned before we dated a few times 2 years ago and then things fizzled.  Still every now and then we would talk or text.

After being too busy to meet the last few times he asked we met for brunch 2 weeks ago and it was fun.  After one week he called and invited me to brunch again.

We went to the restaurant we always go to. In the past we tried different ones only to decide that this is our favorite.  It was a Saturday and the place was quieter then on Sundays.

We were there from 12 to 4 pm. We drank a divine prosecco and talked about life. We challenge each other to think deeper and look further.  We talk about everything, self-improvement, family, fears, wants, ego, karma, etc.

At one point he put his hand on my leg near my knee. He asked if I was okay with that.  It may seem funny or weird, but I was okay with that.  I knew it would not go anywhere so it presented no danger or awkwardness to me.  I think the prosecco made him do it. I think the prosecco made me say ok.

At one point he was texting. I would normally not say anything to anyone about using their cell phone at the table, even if it bothered me but since we are always talking about being present and in the moment, I said:

Don’t you think you are being rude?

He apologized and said I was right and explained what he was texting about.  He turned his phone off for the rest of the lunch.

I think he and I have an easy friendship that I don’t intend to change into anything else, hand on my leg or not.

***

“There is very little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude.” – W. Clement Stone

On Sunday I met a graphic designer I met on Match. This was our first date.

We both got there 30 minutes early. Him by design, me because I thought the agreed time was 12:00 instead of the actual 12:30.

I had scrambled eggs and a coffee as I was still not able to eat a lot food.

He was handsome, nice, personable and smart. But I didn’t really feel an attraction, a connection.  Our lifestyle and life wants are different.  Don’t get me wrong I appreciate the differences in people but in this case it would frustrate me.

He is very laid back and I feel I would have to be the one in charge of the relationship. I have been the one in charge of relationships in the past and I don’t want to do it again.

I say that not as criticism of him but just to point out why I think we are not a match.

He said he liked me and said he wanted to go on a second date, but hasn’t called yet, which I find it is often the case.  I think he  and most guys, wants me to call them back or say something first. Sadly he will have to wait forever.

****

I have just returned from a date tonight.  He is a 34 year old Jewish accountant.  Yes I said 34!!! I am 51!! So there is a bit of age difference. He is recently divorced with no kids.

Of course I think our age difference is too much for a relationship but I didn’t think there was any harm in meeting for a drink.

We were going to meet at a rooftop bar but it was closed for a private event so we just crossed the street and went to a Cuban restaurant.

M. was fun, personable, and cute in a boyish way.  There were some hints of chemistry.  I had a passion fruit drink and appetizer of beef and fried yucca, and they were delicious.  After it, he walked me to the station.

On the way, suddenly, he stopped and kissed me.  I still have stitches in my gum from my surgery, still I welcomed the surprising gesture.

We will see each other again, if anything to just settle a bet.  We bet $5.00 on the Jet/Chiefs game on Sunday.  I picked the Chiefs.

“Kissing – and I mean like, yummy, smacking kissing – is the most delicious, most beautiful and passionate thing that two people can do, bar none. Better than sex, hands down.” – Drew Barrymore

 

 

With peaceful and hopeful thoughts I go home again

15 Friday Apr 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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A quick hello/update before I get on my flight to Brazil tonight.

At work, things were under control until the auditors decided to start asking questions again.  They have this uncanny ability to know exactly when I am going on vacation to send me away stressed.  This has been a good exercise in setting priorities at work.

***

The doctor that I had dated (April 2nd post) started sending me flirty texts this week. Even though I wanted to discuss our relationship, or lack thereof, in person I went ahead and took that opportunity to establish that we are friends and that is it.

He seemed surprised (it is really hard to tell on text), but agreed.  I was immediately happier for having things clarified.  I don’t like murky waters.  I like to know where I stand and want others to know where they stand with my.  I am always striving for more clarity and less miscommunication.

***

On Saturday I went dancing with this young guy (36).  I didn’t really consider it a date because of the age difference.  I had a great time.  I only didn’t care for how he wanted to turn a sweet kiss goodnight into endless kisses.  I hate to have to say stop/no more than once.

Still he was a sweet guy and perhaps I will see him again.

***
My suitcases are packed all is missing are the bagels.  I have to take at least a dozen bagels every time I go to Brazil.

I am trying not to pack: anxiety, control-freakiness, work issues, expectations, and assumptions.

I am trying to pack: patience, hope, believe that everything is the way it is supposed to be.

My mother’s illness, which the doctors are having a hard time deciphering, is making everything difficult.  She has been getting extremely dizzy and tired.  She is also more irritable, short of patience, with the smallest of things setting her off.  It is a difficult and delicate situation.

Hopefully she will be able to return with me as she does every time I go there.  I leaving it all in God’s hands.  He knows best! I am just praying for guidance.

***
Wishing you all much light and blessings this weekend and the week ahead.  May many doors open to what is right in your life!

Remembering to breathe and be grateful above all things!

06 Wednesday Jan 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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On the way to NC a stop at VA

On the way to NC a stop at VA

So much to write, so little time and inclination… please forgive me, and on that note:

I am sorry!  Please forgive me!  I love you!  Thank you!  In 2016 I am going for soul cleaning and more forgiveness (Ho’oponopono)

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.”  – Ralph Waldo Emerson

The boyfriend and I survived the road trip.  It took 12 hours to get to North Carolina and 10 hours to return to New York.  On the way there I found out that the house we were staying at also contained 2 snakes.  I went crazy.  I was mad.  I cried.  I told him that I would never have agreed to come on this trip had I known this before.   I thought it was very insensitive of him to forget that my number 1 fear is snakes and also that his friend had them.  He suggested we stay in a hotel but at point I decided that as long as the snakes stayed in a locked room I would try to make it.  I am glad to tell you I did it. It is behind us now, but next time I am choosing to stay in a hotel, not only because of the snakes but for various reasons.

I am trying to take this relationship, and life, one day at a time, but I keep predicting doom (I tell him that).  At the moment my problem is with his social awkwardness.  He gets nervous and the third grade jokes appear and it annoys me immensely (and I tell him that).  For now he still finds my brutal honesty charming, but I don’t think that feeling will last.

He took me out on New Years Eve and I was so moody I could barely stand myself.  I feel my hormones are out of control.  I warned him about PMS.  But it seems every day is PMS lately. Or am I just testing him?  How much can he put up with?  Does he like me enough?  Do I like me enough?

“I promise you nothing is as chaotic as it seems. Nothing is worth diminishing your health. Nothing is worth poisoning yourself into stress, anxiety, and fear.”  – Steve Maraboli

At work things are stressful.  The infamous audit is still not over and on top of that I have another regular scheduled unaudited audit that I need to complete by the end of the month.  It also seems we will have to fire a couple of people that are not producing.  Even though they should know it is coming I still feel bad.

I am also having issues with my 2 rental apartments.  I never planned on being a landlord.  I don’t have time to deal with any issues.  I was holding on to them to wait for the right time to sell, but I think the right time maybe now.  My other aim for 2016 is to lead a simpler and more minimal life, so shedding excess baggage and drama is at the forefront.

At times it has been hard staying positive.   I don’t do uncertainty well.  This control freak here likes to know where everything stands at all times.  I am constantly failing at “letting go and letting God”.

I actually had to sit myself down and have a hard talk.  I had to look to the past for reminders of my forever faith and positivity.  I had to remind myself of how far I have come and how I have dealt with tough situations in the past.

I also had to remind myself that:

  • God has a plan, just trust in it. Trust that He gives you only what you can handle.
  • There are no problems, only opportunities for learning and growing.
  • Stop reacting and over-reacting. Something happens, pause and reflect before interfering and creating chaos.  Sometimes it is best to let nature take its course without interference.  I don’t have to face everything head-on and immediately.
  • It is not what happens to me, it is how I react (or over-react) to it. Welcome problems as blessings.  Be grateful for their arrival and learn from them.
  • How truly blessed I am. I have an amazing family, great job (even if stressful), comfortable home, cool friends, someone willing to put up with my moods, and most important I have life and opportunities.
  • I need to love, respect and give myself a break. I want to be perfect; I want to be productive at all times.  I expect great results.  Anything less feels like a failure.  Being this hard on myself is only leading towards a mental and physical breakdown.

The list of things I need to remind myself of goes on and on.  But for now when in doubt Accept, Forgive and Be Grateful!

“ Pain is inevitable,suffering is optional”. – Dalai Lama XIV

 

Kissing and Telling

17 Thursday Dec 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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 “Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of ‘not knowing.” – Mark Z. Danielewski

Life is flying by while I try to hang on and get things done…in the meantime my blog suffers in silence, and for that I am sorry and will try to be much better in 2016.

Audit at work:  Still not finished.  It is a struggle for me to live with unfinished things such as this.  I like to know when things will end, and how will they end.  How audits on a company of 15 people take 4 months is beyond me.  Government at its best!

Family: It is hard being far from my family at this moment.  Mom and dad aren’t young anymore and right now they have a lot of health issues.  I am learning to live with the fact that things will probably get even harder.  I am learning to accept the natural progression of life.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”  – Lao Tzu

Christmas Spirit: I have never really been a Christmas person.  I normally don’t fly to Brazil to be with my family around the holidays.  I either spend it with friends or alone.  And just between us, I often favor being alone, making some nice comfort food and watching a fun movie.

Now for the kissing and telling:

It turns out that the kissing improved… a lot!  I realized that he was just so nervous around me on the first 2 dates.  I also realized that finding fault with his kiss is my way of finding something wrong and therefore an excuse to run away.

I decided to make more of an en effort.  I decided to be less critical and more open.  I am trying not to sabotage this relationship.  I am trying to let things be and go and flow as they will.  Still at times I catch myself testing him, trying to push him away.  It feels like I could say or do anything and he will still be here, it is such a wonderful freeing feeling.

This relationship is extremely new, just a month old and yet it feels like forever.  We have only seen each other a handful of times.  We continue to speak for a couple of hours every night.  Our conversations range from events of the day to childhood memories.  I find myself telling him stupid stories that I have never told anyone.  It is so easy to talk to him.  He makes everything seem easy.

We are very similar on our morals, wants, needs and dreams, but still we are extremely different on so much more.  He is shy, I am out there.  He is gentle, I am aggressive.  He is Pisces, I am Aries.  He is Monkey, I am Horse.  My brutal honesty and in your face approach doesn’t scare him.  He says he is up to the challenge.  I wonder if he knows what he is in for.  I wonder if the novelty will wear off.

He is thoughtful and remembers things I tell him.  Like when I said that my favorite flowers were daisies and sunflowers and he shows up with them.

I have already met his 8 year old son.  It was a short meeting and it went well.  I also already met his co-workers.  I went to his work Holiday dinner, it was fun and everyone was welcoming.  At the end of the December I am going to North Carolina to meet his best friend.  Perhaps it is all a bit too fast, but I figure that knowing the important people in his life will give me a better idea of who he is.

It feels wonderful to have someone that cares and is not afraid to say it and show it.  It is refreshing to meet someone that is not into all the dating games people play.  He says what he means and means what he says.

I feel I found that rare combination of friend and lover all in one.  The possibilities seem limitless.  My heart is constantly singing.

He had just started online dating when I met him.  I had given up, contacting him was my last act before taking down my profile.  When he replied and we clicked it felt nothing short of a miracle.  At times I feel he hasn’t been out there enough.  His divorce was final in March and he was separated a year before that.  When I tell him that he should do some more dating to figure out what he wants, he tells me that he has already found what he wants and doesn’t need to do any more searching.  I shut up and smile.

“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow – this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

 

 

It is in his kiss, or is it?

01 Tuesday Dec 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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The doctor is history! He is still around and will call/text every now and then, but when over a month goes by and I am not asked on a date no one needs to draw me a picture – he is just not that interested. It is perfectly fine. I always felt I appreciated more the conversations than anything else. I am hoping that we can still be friends, but I am tired of being the one to make the first move always, so this friendship may die a quiet slow death as I decided not get in touch anymore.  I knew that I could never have anything long-lasting with someone that thinks that sugar is the devil. Sugar is not friend but it doesn’t have to be the enemy either! 🙂

As I mentioned previously I decided to quit online dating for awhile. It was becoming like work and not fun anymore, so I figure a break was in order. On the final days of my e-Harmony subscription I decided to email MF. I never contact anyone, I always wait for them to contact me, but since I was quitting anyway I figure I would take this leap and contact him. MF is 47 but looks extremely young for his age. He did show me his driver’s license so I confirmed his age.

He replied and we hit of immediately. For over 2 weeks we spoke daily on the phone for many hours (we still do). Some evenings we spoke for as long as 3 hours. We bonded over Seinfeld and our gratitude for life, among other things. The longer we talked and as the days went the expectation was building up. Finally last Thursday we met in person.  The chemistry we had on the phone was also there in person.  He was every bit the sweet gentleman I expected.  We were immediately comfortable with one another. He was a bit nervous and it was cute to see that.

On Saturday we had another date. We went to a Brazilian Steakhouse and we both overate. It is impossible to go to one of those and not overeat. Afterwards, it was still early, so he asked me what I wanted to do. I decided that we should just return to my apartment and watch a movie. I trust him.  He actually he came over the first night I met him. Please keep in mind that I do not advise anyone inviting anyone over after just one meeting, but in this case I felt very safe and comfortable in doing that.  I knew nothing was going to happen.

We got to my apartment and I put a movie on Netflix.  After after about 20 minutes  I fell asleep. He was left to watch the movie by himself.  When the movie ended he woke me up to say good bye and close the door.

He mentioned to me yesterday that he doesn’t quite know what to make of my falling asleep on the date. He said he is looking at the positive side that I am very comfortable with him, instead of thinking he is so boring he put me to sleep.

I am not over thinking that one. I am sure worst things have happened on first dates.  It was a heavy dinner and I had a cocktail.  I also was tired from all our late nights on the phone.

What I am right now is extremely confused. On one hand I found someone exactly as I have been asking God to send me. He is gentle, caring, responsible, and honest. He is interested, willing and able. He wants to travel and do things. He is not too young or too old.

On the other hand I am not sure what I want. He is everything I thought I wanted and now he is here and I just don’t know.  I know I am extremely comfortable and happy with my single life, but I think life is better as a couple.  I keep dreaming of finding a partner and now he is here.  Is he the one?

He seems to like me a bit too much. It seems that I could do no wrong in his eyes. No one wants what is too easy, too simple, too available.  Do I want only who doesn’t want me? Is that a self defense mechanism?

He is so much like me. He is open and forthcoming with everything. He has no problems talking about his feelings, needs and wants. He has no problems divulging everything about his life. I have met my match and now what?

I have been honest with him and told him how I feel and, not surprisingly, he was extremely understanding. He said we should take it easy and take a day at a time and if friendship is all that I want he will be happy to have that as he thinks I am a real cool person.

So, what is my issue? Fear? I fear using him, hurting him. I fear settling.  I guess I am not as fearless as I thought.

Also, and perhaps this is the real crux of the matter: I didn’t care for his kiss.  I have not been honest with him about that.  He didn’t ask, so I didn’t volunteer.  How can you tell someone that their kiss is not what you expected and hoped for it?

I am not saying he doesn’t know how to kiss. He just doesn’t know enough to my liking. It felt hurried, and too much, but not in a good way. It seemed he was trying too hard, not natural. Should I hurt his feelings and tell him that? Men have such fragile egos. He is extremely nice and kind and the last thing I want to do is hurt him or offend him. But kissing is extremely important to me.  I cannot imagine being with someone that I don’t care to kiss.

These are the questions I have:

  • Is there a way that I can gently tell him that his kissing is sub-par?
  • Can I teach him how to kiss? Can I do it without offending him?
  • Can the kissing get better? Can you turn a bad kiss into a bad kisser into a good kisser?
  • Was he just nervous?
  • Does he think that that was a good kiss?
  • What about me? I think I am such a great kisser, but what if I am not? How does one know?
  • If this is how he kisses, how will the rest be? Do I even want to find out?
  • Is bad kissing a reason to break up with someone?

Perhaps finding an issue with his kiss is my way of finding a reason to break up with him, and continue to be single and free?

“I have found men who didn’t know how to kiss. I’ve always found time to teach them.” ― Mae West

Being aware and making the best of it

22 Tuesday Sep 2015

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This is a glimpse of my life right now.

Dating:  I have been seeing on and off the doctor I have mentioned on previous posts.  Am I dating him?  I have no clue, and that knowledge, or lack of it, drives me crazy.  I like certainties.  I like knowing where I stand.  I like being a priority and not merely an option.  But still this other side of me wants to be easy and carefree, wants to move as the wind blows, and wants not to worry too much about this guy or that guy.  I feel this push-pull thing with him.  It is like he wants me, he takes me out, then he doesn’t want me, he goes silent for a couple of days.

It is certainly a lesson for me.  It forces me to look at my needs versus my wants.  I have to look at my expectations and what is the type of relationship I want.

What do I really want? Am I okay with not knowing where I stand?

“We’re not dating,” Alec said again.
“Oh?” Magnus said. “So you’re just that friendly with everybody, is that it?” 
― Cassandra Clare

***

Old Energy converting into good: I have sold an old ring that my first boyfriend had given me.  I only got $800 for it, but I am so excited to be dedicating that money to make Christmas better for some kids in Brazil.  I already try to help out every Christmas, but having an extra $800 is awesome.

This idea of converting past energies in present and future goods is amazing and wonderful and so re-energizing.  What else around my house, that I have not been using or that perhaps have negative memories attached to them, that could be used for good?

I don’t like things laying around unused.  It is freeing not to be attached to things…now if I could only not get attached to people then I would definitely the master of my domain.

 “We only have what we give.” ― Isabel Allende

***

Scrutiny: This past week I have had auditors from a regulatory agency in our offices. It is a bit unnerving to have to answer questions and provide all kinds of documents. I do mostly everything in our small firm, so I am the point person and the one having to provide all the answers and documentation.

I feel stressed and have been having stomach pains.  I think it is an old nervous ulcer acting up again.

I am a control freak so not knowing exactly what the auditors are looking for, and trying to guess what other questions they will have is making me miserable.

I do my work well but what if there is something I didn’t even know it was a requirement?

I am looking at the bright side.  I welcome them looking things over and pointing out deficiencies.  We have been under those regulations since 2012 and since then I think I am following the rules, so this is a great opportunity to really find out how well I am doing and what needs improvement.

This is a good opportunity for me to realize that control is just an illusion.  Nothing is ever under my control.  The sooner I realize that, the sooner I incorporate that in my life the better.  But it is one of the many things I struggle with.

“The reason many people in our society are miserable, sick, and highly stressed is because of an unhealthy attachment to things they have no control over.”  – Steve Maraboli

***

Airhead.  It is incredible to realize that somebody like me that pays no attention to details is able to function in society and be so successful at work.

At work I deal with numbers as the main financial person.  I deal with insurance and other deadlines as I am the Human Resources person.  I am compliance; I am receivables, payables, etc.  I do it all and I do it well.

And then it comes to my day to day life.

Last night I showed up for a doctor’s appointment that is scheduled for next week.  Last week I went to the doctor at 8am for an appointment that was at 9:30am (this one in particular they called me the day before and left a message confirming it, I just hit erase at the beginning of the message, because I assumed I knew the time).

This is clearly an area that I need to work on. I assume a lot. I am impatient. I talk when I should be listening.

So much room for improvement…awareness is a great start.

“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.” ―George Bernard Shaw

Fun Labor Day, stressful week :-(

13 Sunday Sep 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Labor Day Weekend seems like a long time ago now.  Mine was crazy busy and fun.  I had friends visiting.  This couple is one of those that makes marriage look easy and fun.  They have been married over 25 years.  It is always a joy to be around them.

On Friday night we had an awesome dinner at a tapas place in my town.

On Saturday we spent the day at the US Open Tennis and had soul food take out for dinner.

On Sunday we went to mass in the morning  (they go to mass every Sunday no matter where they are).  The mass seemed tailored to me as the priest talked about immigrants.  It was entertaining and interesting.  Unfortunately if something is not entertaining or interesting my mind will wander, it never did.  It had been at least 5 years since I had been to mass.  I enjoyed and may go back.

Here is the kicker:  Right after mass we go to see The Book of Mormon on Broadway.  I never watched South Park (the creators of SP were behind TBM) so I wasn’t sure what to expect.  I knew that it would be a little out there.  But I was shocked by the language and the humor at the expense of someone’s religion.  It was borderline offensive, but the laughter is non-stop.  At times I found myself thinking: “Should I be laughing at that”?    I seemed to have more problems with it than my very catholic friends.  At the end of the day one needs to be able to see the light side of things.  Humor is important and necessary.

At the end of the weekend I realize how truly blessed I am!  Life is good, beautiful and bountiful!

“It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.”  – G.K. Chesterton

On Monday I had a date with the doctor – we are seeing each other again.  I will write about in my next post.

The date helped to take my mind away from an upcoming audit at work.  It is unnerving to be providing tons of documents to 5 people so then they can come and poke around our offices and ask for documents and ask many questions.   This is our first audit by a regulatory Agency so we are not sure what to expect, specially since even the auditors seem to be confused as what regulations apply to our specific business.

The control freak in me is going nuts.  Am I doing things correctly?  What are they looking for? Will I have all the answers?  Will my answers be sufficient?  I would hate to appear unprepared, incapable and inefficient.

I am trying to be in the moment, taking a breath, enjoying now.  Let go and let God!

“You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.” ― Steve Maraboli

 

Update on the previous post: He is alive and well, he was just ghosting me!

08 Wednesday Jul 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe

I texted him.

I didn’t text to find out why he disappeared but to say things I wanted to say. I don’t like feeling I left things unsaid.  I also have been making a point of letting people know any time they have a positive impact in my life.

I had meant to talk to him about a couple of things next time I saw him (before he chose silence I thought we would continue to date and even grow closer).  I wanted to discuss my stupid question in the middle of the kiss (I asked: Are you dating other people?).  I also wanted to talk to him about how hot things got in my apartment and how to handle things next time (we both had talked about wanting a more meaningful sex life and not just a lustful act).

Here is what I texted: “By your silence I know where you stand on seeing me again. I was waiting when I saw you next to tell you a couple of things but since that doesn’t seem likely I will tell you here and now.  I am sorry I put you in an awkward position last time we were together.  My excitement and impulsiveness got the best of me, still that is not an excuse, so I am sorry.  Also, thank you for inspiring me!

I felt great about saying what I wanted to say and really didn’t expect or even wanted a reply.  Hours later he texted:

“Nice to hear from you.  I thank you for your text message but please do keep in mind that I have just as much responsibility for what transpired.  I’d like to chat with you. I will give you a call in the next couple of days if that is OK with you.  I hope you are having a great day.”

“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.”
― Lyndon B. Johnson

Is he feeling guilty or bad about coming into my apartment and things getting hotter than we anticipated?  Well, even though it would probably have been better not to have invited him in I don’t regret it!  First, we didn’t have sex and second I am almost 50 and he is 55, we are not kids.  Going forward we could still take things slow.  So I fail to see the problem.

Whatever his feelings were he should have given me the courtesy of talking to me about it and not just going silent.  I didn’t reply to his text and say it was okay for him to call me in a couple of days.  That is 2 days longer than I want to talk about this subject.  At this point it just feels silly. We are done, talking about it any longer feels like beating a dead horse.

I appreciated him coming into my life and motivating me to do more, read more and experience more, but I expected a better treatment from such a spiritual, well traveled, well educated, well read person, mature person.  In only 3 dates we had talked about everything.  We didn’t talk about the usual.  All our conversations were deep and meaningful, so his silence was not only strange, it was hurtful.  Giving me the silence treatment was the worst thing he could have done to me and it is not the way I want to be treated.

“You will never change what you tolerate.” ― Joel Osteen

***

Did you guys ever hear the term “Ghosting”?  It seems that there is now a word to describe the silence and disappearance of someone you are dating.  So it seems he was ghosting me!

His silence is deafening!

06 Monday Jul 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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I hope you all had a wonderful 4th of July!  I went to see the fireworks from Roosevelt Island in New York.  It wasn’t that great since we had only a partial view.  It turns out that to get in the better viewing area of the park you had to get tickets in advance.  It was a nice evening and we had a great time anyway. I remembered to be grateful and thankful for all the freedoms I enjoy,did you? 🙂

“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.” 

I have to update you guys on the guy I had 3 dates with.  It sounded so promising, I was so excited and then my bubble burst.  I could go on and on analyzing this for days, actually for months, but I will spare you and me all of that. So please just allow me to analyze this for this post.

After the exchange of texts on Tuesday he texted me on Thursday to wish me a happy day.  After a couple of back and forth texts that day, he went silent.  Silence can be so loud some times.  This time it screams: “I am not that into you ”  Ouch!  That is not what I wanted to hear.  That is not what I was expecting after the deep connection we had.  I know he liked me a lot and that is why the silence is so confusing.

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.”

I am guessing his texting me a few times after the last date was just a way of letting me down easy, which I find kind of insulting.  He seemed so upfront that I expected a more direct approach then silence.   I know it has only been only 4 days since I last heard from him, but when someone is in touch every day this speaks volumes.  Plus this feeling inside of me pretty much tells me it is over before it began.  This is disappointing because I really enjoyed his mind and was hoping that we could be friends even if romance didn’t materialize.

“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.”

I can’t help but feel a little crushed but this is, yet again, a learning opportunity.

  • I am learning that I should relax and take dating for what it is. It is a getting to know each other dance. Some people are upfront, some people play games and some people are just inept.
  • Don’t assume anything.  Just because all the signs point to a great connection it doesn’t mean that there really is one, and it doesn’t mean the other person is feeling the same way.
  • Not all that glitters is gold.  He seemed amazing, so I raised my expectations and it turns out he is great but still as flawed as everyone else.
  • Don’t expect people to act how you would, or how you think they should – that only leads to disappointment.  I would have been upfront instead of quietly going away.
  • Don’t take anything personally. His silence doesn’t mean I did anything wrong, or that there is anything wrong with me.  He has his reasons.
  • You don’t have to understand the situation, you just need to accept and respect. I am confused because I know there was a connection.  But I know better than to call and ask what happened. I accept, respect and move on.
  • Enjoy the moment, be fully present and don’t get caught up in dreaming a future or bringing up the past.

Here is the best part of this whole thing:  I am able to recognize the blessing and move on.  His arrival was a blessing.  His silence is a blessing.  It is amazing how peaceful I become when I choose to accept everything as a blessing.

“When someone leaves, it’s because someone else is about to arrive.”

Don’t get me wrong, I would have loved it if he had called and if we had continued seeing each other. And perhaps he will still call, but his few texts and then silence only mean one thing:  He is just not interested.   I also know how I should and deserve to be treated and long periods of silence are not acceptable.  His silence gave me space and time to see things clearly and he is not who I thought he was.  So at this point even if he contacts me I am no longer interested in romance, I can still be friends but the flames of potential love have been put out by his careless manner and attitude.

I thank him for showing me his disinterest early on and leaving room so that the right one can come in.   I am glad I get to find out now and not later, before more heart, time and energy is invested.

“No one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it”

I have grown so much in the last 4 years.  The way I am feeling and dealing with this silence is a great proof of it.  I haven’t been excited about somebody as much as this person in a real long time, many years in fact.  So there was a twinge of sadness and pain at the silence, but it was momentary; I no longer linger in pain, sadness and what ifs.

I have learned to accept that people will come and go from my life.  That knowledge gives me peace when they choose to leave.  It means that whatever their mission, whatever the lesson they had for me it is done.  I thank them and I let it go.  I love leaving the door wide open.  Stay if you want, go if you must!

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”

I have to give him credit for being a motivator in my own personal growth journey, even without knowing.  Since I have met him I have started to read more and have already finished 2 books that had long been sitting in the shelf.  The same way I decided to be more open and give people a chance I decided to give all the books sitting in my bookcase a chance (no more reading just the first couple pages and putting it aside).  I am also looking into some workshops to take in the future.

He came to:

1) To motivate me to continue to search for growth, especially spiritually. He was so spiritual and intelligent it was inspiring.

2) To make me believe that guys that are intelligent, spiritual, optimist, humble, grateful, open minded, interested in personal growth and traveling the world do indeed exist.  He was one and I am sure there are others.

3) To show me that I can get excited about a guy the same way I got excited about ex.  It had been a long time and I thought I would never have such feelings again.  He awoke certain dormant feelings.

“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.”

Instead of being discouraged and defeated I am totally the opposite, I am motivated, pumped and eager.  He has only strengthened my resolve to find someone.  Meeting him just tells me that I am getting closer to the one.  It may take a while and hard work, but I never wanted easy anyway, I am willing to work for that amazing love.  Finding the One is not easy; I don’t expect it to be.  Nothing easy is worth having anyway.  For that one chance to have that magical fairy tale I am willing to keep trying and willing to lay my heart on the line every time.

“I can choose either to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It’s all a question of how I view my life.”

As far as how I behaved and how fast I took things I will try to slow down next time, even though I don’t think that I did anything wrong.  He is gone not because I did anything wrong but because of his own reasons.  He is also gone because even thought I thought he was good for me the Universe has someone better in mind.  Who am I to argue with the Universe?

 “None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, yet still we go forward. Because we trust. Because we have Faith.”

At the end of the day this is dating, I just need to get better at navigating it.  But still I will continue getting excited about people and I will continue being upfront because that is my essence.

In Brazil we joke that men (women) are like buses, you lose (miss) one but there is always another one around the corner.  Next!

* All quotes are by Paulo Coelho