Tag Archives: relationship

Remembering to breathe and be grateful above all things!

06 Wednesday Jan 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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On the way to NC a stop at VA

On the way to NC a stop at VA

So much to write, so little time and inclination… please forgive me, and on that note:

I am sorry!  Please forgive me!  I love you!  Thank you!  In 2016 I am going for soul cleaning and more forgiveness (Ho’oponopono)

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.”  – Ralph Waldo Emerson

The boyfriend and I survived the road trip.  It took 12 hours to get to North Carolina and 10 hours to return to New York.  On the way there I found out that the house we were staying at also contained 2 snakes.  I went crazy.  I was mad.  I cried.  I told him that I would never have agreed to come on this trip had I known this before.   I thought it was very insensitive of him to forget that my number 1 fear is snakes and also that his friend had them.  He suggested we stay in a hotel but at point I decided that as long as the snakes stayed in a locked room I would try to make it.  I am glad to tell you I did it. It is behind us now, but next time I am choosing to stay in a hotel, not only because of the snakes but for various reasons.

I am trying to take this relationship, and life, one day at a time, but I keep predicting doom (I tell him that).  At the moment my problem is with his social awkwardness.  He gets nervous and the third grade jokes appear and it annoys me immensely (and I tell him that).  For now he still finds my brutal honesty charming, but I don’t think that feeling will last.

He took me out on New Years Eve and I was so moody I could barely stand myself.  I feel my hormones are out of control.  I warned him about PMS.  But it seems every day is PMS lately. Or am I just testing him?  How much can he put up with?  Does he like me enough?  Do I like me enough?

“I promise you nothing is as chaotic as it seems. Nothing is worth diminishing your health. Nothing is worth poisoning yourself into stress, anxiety, and fear.”  – Steve Maraboli

At work things are stressful.  The infamous audit is still not over and on top of that I have another regular scheduled unaudited audit that I need to complete by the end of the month.  It also seems we will have to fire a couple of people that are not producing.  Even though they should know it is coming I still feel bad.

I am also having issues with my 2 rental apartments.  I never planned on being a landlord.  I don’t have time to deal with any issues.  I was holding on to them to wait for the right time to sell, but I think the right time maybe now.  My other aim for 2016 is to lead a simpler and more minimal life, so shedding excess baggage and drama is at the forefront.

At times it has been hard staying positive.   I don’t do uncertainty well.  This control freak here likes to know where everything stands at all times.  I am constantly failing at “letting go and letting God”.

I actually had to sit myself down and have a hard talk.  I had to look to the past for reminders of my forever faith and positivity.  I had to remind myself of how far I have come and how I have dealt with tough situations in the past.

I also had to remind myself that:

  • God has a plan, just trust in it. Trust that He gives you only what you can handle.
  • There are no problems, only opportunities for learning and growing.
  • Stop reacting and over-reacting. Something happens, pause and reflect before interfering and creating chaos.  Sometimes it is best to let nature take its course without interference.  I don’t have to face everything head-on and immediately.
  • It is not what happens to me, it is how I react (or over-react) to it. Welcome problems as blessings.  Be grateful for their arrival and learn from them.
  • How truly blessed I am. I have an amazing family, great job (even if stressful), comfortable home, cool friends, someone willing to put up with my moods, and most important I have life and opportunities.
  • I need to love, respect and give myself a break. I want to be perfect; I want to be productive at all times.  I expect great results.  Anything less feels like a failure.  Being this hard on myself is only leading towards a mental and physical breakdown.

The list of things I need to remind myself of goes on and on.  But for now when in doubt Accept, Forgive and Be Grateful!

“ Pain is inevitable,suffering is optional”. – Dalai Lama XIV

 

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Tired of accepting less than I deserve!

11 Monday May 2015

Posted by in Dating, Finding Me

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“I want to be in a relationship where you telling me you love me is just a ceremonious validation of what you already show me.” ― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Even in all my busyness at the moment I find time to miss someone.  I miss AL!  I wrote about AL before. We met when I was selling some extra concert tickets online.  He didn’t buy the tickets but we developed an email friendship.  It turned out that he only lived 15 minutes away so we decided to meet.  The sparks that were noticeable in the emails were even more evident in person.  We dated for a little bit but decided to become only friends (without benefits).  We both realized that it wouldn’t work out romantically in the long run because of a sizable age difference (16 years) and decided that we’d rather nurture the friendship.

Our friendship continued until he became very busy with opening a restaurant.  At that point our friendship became texting only.  I understood him being busy, but after the restaurant came and went (he sold it) and he still he couldn’t find 5 minutes to meet up I started to feel weird, somewhat annoyed at this text only relationship.  I questioned the validity of a friendship that had become texting only.

I enjoyed the in-person banter we had and missed that.   I appreciated his outlook in life. Like me he was appreciative of everything he had but always striving to become better.

So for the past year I would mention every now and then how disappointed I was that we haven’t gotten together in awhile.  And it was always the same response: I am sorry I have been a bad friend  and  I promise to do better.

At one point I mentioned to him that I normally pay attention to a man’s actions and not his words.   I told him he said the right things but there was no action.  Again he was apologetic.

And still nothing ever changed. Then he would resume the texting.  I would sometimes ignore it hoping he would get it, but he would persist and eventually I relented and would continue the texting, which I enjoyed a lot.

After many times of this pattern of my complaining and his apologizing I was left feeling silly and childish.  It seemed stupid in a friendship to be feeling unappreciated and unworthy, but that was what I was feeling.

No matter how busy we all are we still find time for the people that we care about.  It was disappointing as I thought our friendship was amazing and I never pictured it ending only getting stronger.

Then it dawned on me:  He must have gotten a girlfriend!  I asked him and he confirmed it.  I was crushed!  Not because he had a girlfriend but because he thought so little of me to never tell me.

All of a sudden I didn’t know him anymore, and he clearly never knew me.  If we were such best friends why would he hide this girlfriend from me?  It was a mutual decision to turn the romance into friendship.  And that was already 2 years ago!  He knew of my online dating efforts as I mentioned often the dates I was going on.  He always said he was not looking for anyone as he was too busy, which I knew it was hogwash as men are always looking.

I am happy for him having found someone.  I am upset with the fact that he hid it from me.  It makes me question what he thinks of me.  Why would AL hide a girlfriend from me?  That is so stupid and it makes me rethink of what I thought of him.

Once again here is another guy that apparently thinks I like him and cannot handle the truth.  Once again I am forced to look at my actions to see where I have gone wrong.  When and how did I show that I wanted to be more friends?  I am stumped.

Finally one day I had had enough and made it perfectly clear that I didn’t want to get texts anymore.   I had said that many times before but this time I made sure to tell him that this was making me feel pathetic and it was hurtful.  I mentioned that every time he texted it reminded me that we were no longer good friends.   It had become this stupid game of him texting, my complaining about not getting together, his apologizing, my giving in and texting back.  The stick the broke the camel’s back was him sending me a cutesy texting full of emoticons saying he loved me when only the day before I had told him to stop texting me.   I always felt he valued and appreciated me but why the “no effort”?

Well this time he heard me loud and clear! I haven’t heard from him in almost 2 months months.  I am surprised (many times before he mentioned he would never let go of this friendship), and at the same time happy.  But I cannot lie and say I don’t miss him.  I miss him a lot(well his texting)!

But what do I really miss?  I guess it is just the idea of a best friend.  I always related better to men than women.   I miss his joy of life, his sharp wit, and his attention.  He got my jokes and he seemed to get me. I miss being thought of and being remembered.  But when someone lives just 15 minutes away, texting only is not enough.

No, I didn’t want him as a boyfriend.  After the initial attraction and trial dating, being just friends suited me fine.  I always relished the idea that we were able to put attraction aside and build this awesome friendship.  I felt smug about it as if this was an amazing achievement and we were able to do it.

I guess once again I invented a relationship that was better and more solid than in reality.

At times now I second guess myself about asking him to stop with the texting, thinking that perhaps I shouldn’t haven’t been so demanding.   This after all was supposed to be an easy, no demanding friendship.  We saw each other when we had time.  Shouldn’t I just act cool and continue texting?

Then I remember that I was not feeling valued and worthy.  I felt cheap and used. I am worth of somebody’s time.  I am a great friend, true, open, honest, non-judgmental and here for you.  If he doesn’t have the time, actually if he doesn’t care to make the time to meet me then I shouldn’t waste my time with empty texting.

I miss him but don’t want to hear from him again.  There is a reason people come into our lives and there is a reason they leave.  There is a reason why things that are passed should remain in the past: to make room for the new.

I feel that my friendship with AL was comfortable to me, even in its dysfunctionality.   His texting was something I could count on to pick up my day, to make me laugh, to make me blush, to make me feel like a friend and often like a woman.

Being comfortable is the enemy of growth!

I question my self-esteem.   What am I holding on to when I accept less than I deserve?  What am I getting from this so-called friendship?  I was holding on to the past we had:  great outings and great conversations and; I was holding on to the future I thought we would have:  more great outings and more great conversations.  I realized I was missing the most important: the present, the now!

I am happy that I took a stand and spoke my mind.  I no longer feel used and just somebody to text with when he is bored. I will probably continue to miss him for awhile, but there is a price for everything in life, and this is the price I am paying for taking a stand for what I believe I deserve.

My door is wide open for new friends! No texting please!   Well, some texting is okay, since I am an expert at it!

“The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run.” ― Henry David Thoreau, Walden

Back to my waiting life!

27 Thursday Mar 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Fiction

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“Old places fire the internal weather of our pasts. The mild winds, aching calms, and hard storms of forgotten emotions return to us when we return to the spots where they happened.” ― Siri Hustvedt, The Sorrows of an American

I returned from Brazil 2 days ago.  In some instances it feels I have never left the US, in others it feels like I was away for years.  I am blessed to be a citizen of two countries, but at times I feel I belong in neither. I love taking time away and being with my family but I am happy to return as I cannot stay away from my routine for too long.   Is it the fear that things will fall apart in my absence? Or perhaps the opposite, the realization that all progresses very well in my absence?  I think it is a matter of being a control freak. I always come back renewed and hungry to improve in all areas of my life. I got use this momentum to get moving in the things I want to accomplish.

“Be genuinely interested in everyone you meet and everyone you meet will be genuinely interested in you” ― Rasheed Ogunlaru

A couple of highlights from last week: I met very interesting people at the airport.  (I will talk to anyone that makes eye contact 🙂 ) I met a young entrepreneur from Liechtenstein building a business that empowers women affected by human trafficking.  I will write more about him and his business as I learn more.  He introduced me to 2 women and a man from the Masai tribe in Tanzania.  They all had come to attend events celebrating The International Women’s Day at the United Nations in NY.  The 2 women spoke no English other than a couple of words.  The language barrier was replaced with smiles.  Later I was able to get M. (also from Tanzania and attending the event, but not from the tribe) to translate.  The two women from the tribe were shocked to find out I was not married and have no kids. One commented that I must have turned down many marriage offers.   G., one of the women said that she is sure God will send me a child as she made some gestures towards the sky.  I joked that I need a husband first.  It seems I am an anomaly in any culture or anywhere in the world.  Be it in the US or Tanzania, to be in my late 40s, never married and have no kids is shocking!

“Each person you meet is an aspect of yourself, clamoring for love.”  ― Eric Micha’el Leventhal

Meeting them was awesome for so many reasons! It renews my love of different cultures and this dream of travelling the word.  They were eager to invite me to visit them.  In that way they are like Brazilians; our doors are always open to new friends.  This chance encounter also reignited my volunteer flame. To me education for all girls, actually boys too, as well as men and women, especially in impoverished countries, is the key to a better future for all.  Knowledge brings empowerment. I have to find a way to do my part.

“To Whom Much is Given, Much is Expected” ― Luke 12:48

Being with my family is always a blast! We don’t always agree on everything, but whatever disagreements we have are normally out of too much love.   We eat, we laugh, we eat some more.  Who knew just one week could do so much damage to my waistline?  It is great to see that mom and dad are doing well! Dad has completely won his cancer battle! My brother and sister are thriving professionally with great plans towards the future.  To me happy people make plans.  Any time someone has plans to look forward to it, it shows their hope for the future.  Hope is the best thing a person can have, I cannot ask for anything else for them. My dad was always a homebody, which only got worse after he amputated his right leg, so it is great to see him getting out a bit more.  Lately, whenever I am in Brazil he agrees to spend one afternoon at the pool house and also to go to brunch at a winery.

“Sisters function as safety nets in a chaotic world simply by being there for each other.”  ― Carol Saline

One low moment,  realizing that my sister and I get along better from a distance.  On the phone we rarely have disagreements, in person we get so critical and so defensive that at times we were unable to have a conversation.  I guess it has to do with expecting the best from each other, knowing what our potentials are and expecting more.   I am sure being identical twins contribute to that.  Anything I said seemed to spark defensiveness. Perhaps I should not call this a low moment but a huge opportunity.  An opportunity for more communication, more acceptance, more love and more self-awareness and self-reflection.  I need to look in the mirror, as I am sure that which I find fault in her is what I am guilt of. The best thing is feeling loved and well received and that is clear to see from all of them!  I am blessed with a great family!

“I find the best way to love someone is not to change them, but instead, help them reveal the greatest version of themselves.” – Steve Maraboli 

My work is never done – Happily working and progressing!

12 Thursday Dec 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“The more you know, the more you know you don’t know.” ― Aristotle

Some days the quote above really comes to mind when I think how far I came emotionally in the last couple of years.  It seems that the more I learn about myself, the more I fine tune, the more I work on things I think need to work on, the more I realize how much more work I need.

That is not to say that I am not giving myself credit for all the work.  I feel that spiritually and emotionally I am at a much better place and only scratching the surface of how awesome I can become.  I am excited to put in more work and watch myself blossom.

“Hard work does not go unnoticed, and someday the rewards will follow” 
― Allan Rufus

Here are some of the things that I am constantly trying to work on:

Being fully present in every moment.  Concentrating on the now is one of the best things you can do for your future.  The past is gone.  Some memories are good but to continue to relive the past is not healthy or beneficial.  At the same time don’t just live in the future. Do not dream of how amazing your life will be when something you really want happens, such as losing weight.  Start living that life now and do whatever you want to do now! Be conscious of every moment, pay attention to every moment.  Don’t be a robot!

“Forever is composed of nows.” 
― Emily Dickinson

Stay away from negative energy/people. We all know some people that sag our energy,  that drag us down.  They have a way of making us feel defensive or irritated or cause us to have some other negative feeling, so why choose to share space with them? Stay away!  Of course sometimes it is not possible to avoid them, in that case don’t give them power and opportunity. Don’t engage them in unnecessary conversation.

“You cannot expect to live a positive life if you hang with negative people.” 
― Joel Osteen

Stay away from bad influences and situations.  I know that there are certain situations I am vulnerable to.  For example, I know that there are certain types of guys that I start talking to and energy flows but I know they are not good for me in the end, but I am having fun so I continue in the slippery slide.  I need to avoid putting myself in those situations that I know it will not be a good for me.  Another sensitive area is sugar.  I know that if I buy a whole chocolate cake I will be tempted to slowly eat the whole thing, so now I only buy a slice. So this goes back to being present in the moment and asking myself if what I am about to do is beneficial to me in the long run.

Stay busy and active with things that matter. An idle mind is the devil’s playground.  That is so true and to that I will add: an idle body is also the devil’s playground.  But don’t just keep yourself busy with just anything.  Busy yourself with activities that benefit you and/or others.  Learn, build, construct, help, etc.  Make your actions meaningful.  With that being said, make sure to rest and have fun.  Don’t be a slave to and addicted to anything. Even healthy habits can be detrimental if you make them your God.  Practice balance and moderation!

Be kind to yourself.  No one is perfect.  We all err, and sometimes we make the same mistake twice, three times.  Don’t penalize yourself.   Take ownership of the mistake and move on.  Promise yourself that you will do better next time. Reward yourself for goals met and for accomplishments.  Don’t wait for anyone to tell you how awesome you are!   Be your biggest fan!

Act with love and kindness.  Just think of everyone as your brother/sister and treat them as such.  Even when it is the hardest thing to do, and is at that time that there is more value in doing it. Choose kindness, understanding and forgiveness.

“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

You are always and already whole and perfect as God intended.  Nobody can take away your values and morals.  People and circumstances may leave you feeling down, deflated, less than perfect.  Things and people may break your heart, your bones, take your money and material things, but no one can take your essence away.  Stay true to them.  Stay true to your morals and beliefs.  Don’t let anyone make you think that you not a good person.

“There are two kinds of perfect: The one you can never achieve, and the other, by just being yourself.” 
― Lauren King

Accept pain and problems as lessons and opportunities for growth.  Each roadblock is a little step towards a better you, towards a better future.  Each situation offers a chance for growth.  So welcome the hardship, but don’t suffer unnecessarily. Contemplate the situation and learn as much as you can from it.  Understand the part you played in it so not to repeat it.  Don’t stay in the pain and don’t act like a victim!

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”― Haruki Murakami

Never lose faith and hope.  No matter what happens in your life proceed with the faith and knowledge that as long as you continue working hard the best outcome will be yours.  Realize that at the most difficult times your faith is being tested, and that is when you need to believe the most!  Believe in yourself and the Creator and Universe within you!

“Faith is not the belief that God will do what you want. It is the belief that God will do what is right.” 
― Max Lucado

Don’t be reactive!  I am quick to react to anything, good or bad.  I normally blame it on being an Impulsive and impatient Aries.  Be in control of your steps and movements and actions.  Before anything, Stop and reflect!  (This one I learned, well still learning, in Kabbalah and I am still trying to apply to my life. It is not easy, before I know I already reacted)

“Spiritual practice involves being constantly aware.” 
― Shri Radhe Maa

Last, but not least, Smile! Don’t forget to smile! Smile in good times and in bad times smile even more!

“Peace begins with a smile..” 
― Mother Teresa

He didn’t call and I didn’t fall to pieces!

19 Tuesday Nov 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“How would your life be different if…You stopped making negative judgmental assumptions about people you encounter? Let today be the day…You look for the good in everyone you meet and respect their journey.” 
― Steve Maraboli

He didn’t call! I cannot say I am shocked, but I am surprised and yet I knew it in my heart.  It is hard to explain, I had this instinct, this gut feeling that he would not call but at the same time how could he not after the great time we had?  So there was this little trace of hope, but as the one week mark approaches that hope has vanished.

This dating thing is odd.  Well, I guess people are odd.  (“Don’t blame the game blame the player”) Some guys will call right away asking for another date when it was clear that there was zero chemistry, and then there are the dates where the sparks were flying all over the place and the guy never calls.

In the past I asked a guy that I dated, well dated is a loose word, because I made sure to tell him that I accepted to go out as friends and he said he was okay with that. So I asked him why he continued to pursue me when it was clear I had zero interest in him romantically and he said, and I quote: “I thought I could change your mind”.  Then I asked one guy why he disappeared after a few great dates and he said, and again, I quote: “I think you are still in love with your ex-boyfriend”.

“The truest form of love is how you behave toward someone, not how you feel about them.” 
― Steve Hall

People have their reasons for doing things. I don’t have a problem with that.  I have a problem with the delivery, the lack of respect in the way things are done. To just disappear?  Perhaps that is an acceptable dating behavior, but to me just screams of cowardice and lack of respect!

I am proud to say that I will not be calling him and asking him what happened.  I don’t care! I no longer need closure for this type of things because I no longer allow my heart to get involved that early in the game.  Genius solution: no heart, no pain!

It was just a date, and I am learning to lighten up.  (“learning” being the key here, I still take things way too seriously, and expect the best of people)

 “Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners” 
― Laurence Sterne

At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter the reason why someone chooses to do or not do something.  What matters is how I conduct myself.  What matters is that I am honest and upfront with everyone.  I am only responsible for my actions.

I could come up with 300 reasons/excuses why he didn’t call, but at the day the truth is: “He is just not that into me”.

When a man wants something he goes after it, he will move mountains if he has to.  Nothing will prevent him for getting what he wants.  Well, at least that is the man I want.  I don’t want the insecure and fearful.  I want the brave!

I don’t want to judge (and yet this is what this post turned out to be about), but I appreciate honesty.   I appreciate the man that does not just disappear, that all of a sudden stops calling and e-mailing and you are left to wonder what happened.  I appreciate the man that steps up to the plate and tells me why he no longer wants to talk to me.  I guess I still have a lot to learn.  “The Four Agreements” just came to mind.

“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.” 
― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

So many lessons…

 I still would not have changed a single thing about the date.  Well, perhaps I would have made sure to get an extra kiss!

Next!

****

“Trying and getting hurt can’t possibly be worse for you than being… stuck.” 
― Eliezer Yudkowsky,

I have just been invited to the Kanye West concert at Madison Square Garden this Saturday.  I said yes, but I am not sure if it will work out or not.  I have never met this person or spoke with him on the phone, but I figure that I will be safe at a concert.  We still have to talk on the phone and iron details out and between now and Saturday a lot can happen …

This person is not the type of person I have been going on dates with lately – in all senses.  But perhaps there lies the magic.

I am not willing to discount someone because of appearances, because of their profession or lack of formal education.  I want to decide on integrity, respect, morals, and manners.  I care about actions, not words.  I don’t care where someone has been; I care about where they are going.

“In order to fly you have to create space in the open air so that your wings can really spread out. It’s like a parachute. They only work from a high altitude. To fly you have to begin taking risks. If you don’t want to, maybe the best thing is just to give up, and keep walking forever.” 
― Jorge Bucay,

***

“I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.” 
― Charlotte Brontë

But here are the real big questions occupying my mind lately:

1)      What am I going to do for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years?  I don’t have family here in the US and I don’t normally fly to Brazil on holidays.  I used to go on Thanksgiving just to take advantage of the extra off days, but it hasn’t worked out the last few years.  I don’t mind spending alone (read: alone, not lonely), but alone doing something fun and exciting is much better.

Perhaps there is a soup kitchen somewhere…but I have always been told they have enough volunteers.  I am kind of sick of trying to volunteer, unfortunately!

“Christmas is our annual reminder to look up – pondering celestial stars, to look out – serving those in need, and to look down – glorifying our Lord in humble prayer.” 
― Richelle E. Goodrich

2)      Where and when am I going skiing?  I know I am going alone, but I can’t seem to decide on a date and location.  I wanted to go to Whistler, BC for Christmas but I am just not sure.   I welcome ideas for mountains that are beginner and single friendly.

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.” 
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

Stupid, pathetic, emotional, crazy and just plain lovable me still dealing with Ex issues!

30 Monday Sep 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

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“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” 
― Steve Maraboli,

I have been promising an update on Ex for awhile now, so it is about time I step up and do it.  It is not really an update about Ex, but about my feelings about Ex.  He, I am sure continues to do well, not ever having any issues with this break up. He was always fine, he got rid of me the same way he changes a shirt.  Without a second thought, without blinking an eye.

I am not sure if I should envy or feel sorry for people that are able to get rid of people that easy. He was able to erase 3 years like it never happened. Why am I making someone in my life so important when clearly I meant nothing?

I didn’t really want to write this update because I know I am going to look foolish. First, why after 2 years I am still struggling with feelings regarding Ex? I am better and smarter than that! Second, why did I contact him? Yep, I had never contacted him in the last 2 years, I have replied every now and then when he contacts me, but I never reached out first.  So, why now? The answer is stupidity, plain stupidity!

For a moment I thought about not writing anything about it.  But the reason why I started this blog in the first place was Ex, so if I am to leave my true feelings about this situation out of this blog I may as well stop writing it. If it is not the whole truth, what is then the point?

I go through patches of feeling high on life and not thinking about Ex at all, to phases of thinking of him every night when my head hits the pillow.

Through the summer we exchanged emails and texts regarding tickets to the US Open.  I felt good about the exchanges. I bought tickets, sent him the check and he sent me the tickets. We never met or talked on the phone.  I was happy that he never proposed meeting in person to exchange tickets/cash.  I felt this was a step towards in the right direction.  I thought to myself: perhaps one day we can be friends.

“Make a pact with yourself today to not be defined by your past. Sometimes the greatest thing to come out of all your hard work isn’t what you get for it, but what you become for it. Shake things up today! Be You…Be Free…Share.” 
― Steve Maraboli

So on the opening night at the US Open I saw him walk in and take his seat.  Even thought my seat was across the stadium I knew exactly where his seats were and my eyes couldn’t help going there every few seconds until the moment I saw him walking in with the girlfriend.

I had a friend with me and I pointed him out to her and said: I am going to text him and tell him I see him. She said do it, and I did.  All I texted was : “I see you”

He didn’t reply anything until later on when he wrote: “I wish I had seen you”.  By then I had already realized what a big mistake I had done, actually 2 seconds after sending it I wished I could have taken it back.

I didn’t reply.

The next morning he sent another text saying sorry for not having offered me a ride home and saying he hoped I had stayed dry (it had rained the night before).

Again I should have remained silent but I couldn’t help it and wrote: “I don’t think your girlfriend would be too happy sitting in the back and I am not a backseat kind of girl!”

He replied:” She knows of my love for you and would have” My thoughts when I read this was of how delusional he can be thinking that any girl would agree with  that scenario.

I just laughed it off.  I didn’t reply anything anymore.  I should not have started anything to begin with.

And life went on as usual until September 19 when he wrote:”I am sorry for the troubles between our 2 countries. I want you to know that I love you and I hope all is well”

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” 
― Steve Maraboli

For some reason that text hit a chord.  I have received texts and emails from email from him before where he will say I love you, but this one hit a nerve.  It made me feel all kids of feelings. I was sad and angry.  I have to be completely honest here and say that I still liked getting texts from him, I still like hearing that he loves me.  But, what is the point?  Does he even know what love is? If he ever loved me he wouldn’t have treated me the way he did. Why do I need still this fake closeness? But I decided not to react and let it go. Feeling that my silence was the best reply.

This text came as I was going to Boston for the wedding. I thought to myself: perfect, now I will be an emotional basket case at this wedding.  Funny enough I was not.  I was happy my friend was getting married and at no point I wanted to be the one walking down the aisle. I was shocked at my being completely unemotional about it.  There were no thoughts of Ex, of what could have been, nothing!

But for some reason after returning home, all I have been doing is think of him and miss him all over again.  Re-reading that text made me angrier and angrier at him, at myself, at the world.  How dare him stir those feelings up? Why do I still miss him when I know he is not good for me?  It seems he has some kind of radar.  As I am not even remembering he exits there comes a text from him and revives everything inside me.

“Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness.” 
― Steve Maraboli

So the past few days I have been struggling and having the craziest of thoughts. Ready to hear it?  No, you are not ready, but I am going to tell you anyway.  I came very close to asking him if he wanted to go skiing together. Yes, how stir crazy is that?  I should be committed for letting such a thought enter my mind.  Thank God, there was a little voice inside of me with some common sense.

So a few days ago I texted him and asked him not to contact me ever again. Here is what I said: “Stop hurting me by mentioning the word love.  You don’t know the meaning of the word.  You don’t have any idea of my pain. I have accepted the reality long ago but that doesn’t lessen the pain.  Help me by forgetting I exist.  It should be easy for you. Do not contact me! I wish you happiness and success.”

I cringe when I read it now. I sound childish and stupid.  It is more like a love declaration then anything else.  But at the end of the day, it is honest and it was what I was feeling at the moment.  Impulsive Aries triumphs again. oh well…

Some people ask me, what does he want.  I think he wants to be my friend.  In his mind we are friends.  He wants his actions to be okay. He thinks he did nothing wrong and if I am his friend then that is a validation that he didn’t do anything wrong.

After my text he didn’t contact me again, as I knew he wouldn’t. So now on again to the process of recovery.  I am also motivated to make new memories.  I realize that some of my favorite memories are with him, so thinking of good things in my past involves thinking of him.  It is time for me to make new memories.   I am in a way looking to rewrite the past.

So the first new memory to be recreated will be Whistler, BC.  Skiing anyone?

The bottom line is: Two years have passed and I am back at the beginning! Sad realization! No conclusion, no great insight, just the need to take one step at a time and be good to myself.

“Renew, release, let go. Yesterday’s gone. There’s nothing you can do to bring it back. You can’t “should’ve” done something. You can only DO something. Renew yourself. Release that attachment. Today is a new day!” 
― Steve Maraboli

In looking back I move forward …

17 Tuesday Jul 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 116 Comments

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This is my 100th post, and I wanted to make it special and full of happiness.  So I have been writing and writing, and my writing got out of control.  That post is now too long and still not finished; and I haven’t posted anything in one week.  So I decided to table all of that for now and just summarize the past few months and where I am right now.

(Well this is pretty long too, but trust me it is short compared to the one I didn’t post – lol)

October 2011. My then boyfriend turns 50 years old and everything changes. There are signs that he is not being honest about things. I will leave the details out for the sake of brevity. He doesn’t want to talk about it. I keep hoping that for the first time in my life my instincts are incorrect.

November 2011.  I confront him about a certain e-mail from a certain lady and he goes on silence and denial mode. When he decides to talk is to ask me to move out because he needs to be single to concentrate on his multiple businesses. Yeah, right!

December 2011.  We still go on vacation together because I am still trying to change his mind. At the same time I find and buy an apartment, the closing is scheduled for January.

January 2012.   I close on the apartment and move out. I still continue to see him and yes, unfortunately, be intimate with him.  I am still fooling myself into thinking that he is going to change his mind. It is amazing the lies we tell ourselves.

February 2012.  I am still crying every single day and the pain at times seems unbearable.  I count the hours til I am going to see him next.  He still will not come clean on the things that he is doing.  I continue to lie to myself.  He still says he loves me more than anything in life, but the timing is not right.

March 2012.  I start this blog.  I realize that calling my sister 10 times a day every single day needs to stop. She worries about my mental health. I don’t like worrying her.

April 2012.  He plans for both of our mother’s to be here at the same time.  For 2 weeks I move back in and we are a big happy family. ( yeah, you can roll your eyes, what was I thinking?) On the last day of the 2 weeks truth stares me in the face and I cannot pretend I don’t see it any longer (again to keep this brief will leave details out).  I realize right then and there that there will never be a “us” again. It is time for me to face my new reality. I say good bye to the house, to C the dog, knowing in my heart that I will never see either one ever again.

May and June 2012.  I am in love with my blog, it gives me strength.  Ex is still calling and texting and I am being polite and friendly and entertaining the idea that he and I can be good friends. I ask him to stop inviting me to dinner and trips.  I slowly realize that being friends with him at this point is not an option for me.

July 10th 2012.  He e-mails about a trip he had invited me previously and I had declined.  I decide that I need to stop this insanity.  Every time I hear from me the wound opens up again.  I have to cut all contact.  I have to stop leaving the door open. So I ask him to not contact me in any way, shape or form.  He replies that he is sad about that, but he will try to comply.

He didn’t try very hard…

July 13, 2012.  He texts to tell me that this lecturer and author of books regarding “Understanding Men”(I won’t name her because I just don’t know how I feel about her work)  has helped him understand what has gone on with us and asking if I want we can talk about it some time.

I get so angry when I read that.  Tears start rolling down my face.  This time the tears are physically painful, they feel heavy and hot, it feels like blood is running down my face.  I run to look at the mirror to make sure it is not.  Very weird, but very fitting I believe.   This pain is also different.

This pain is not over wanting him back, or over what I thought we had in the past.  This pain is over the fact that he doesn’t respect me. This pain is over the fact that he is still trying to manipulate me. This pain is over his game playing.  This pain is the acknowledgment that he has no idea of what love is.

After I spent the past 9 months begging (yes begging, it is amazing how low we can go when we think we are fighting for love) him to talk to me about what happened, asking him to give me a reason, he now wants to talk about it.

I am not sure what he is trying to do and I don’t care. Of course I didn’t reply and I will not reply to him ever again.  I don’t care anymore to know the reasons why he did what he did. There is not a single reason in the world that would make a difference at this point.   I am not even curious about what he learned.   It is probably just his ego making a last attempt to get to me and keep me close by, within in reach.

Leave me alone. Let me heal in peace. Let me glue the pieces together as best as I can. I am so at peace right now. At peace with not wanting contact. At peace with not replying.  At peace with being alone. At peace with life.  At peace with just being and living and breathing one second at a time.

I think I can safely say, no, not just say, scream at the top of my lungs, that I over him. Do I still love him? I guess in a way love never dies, it changes.  I think that once someone enters my heart they never leave.  I will never hate him. I don’t like the things he did, but still I wish him happiness and love.  I still pray for his well-being.  I can have him in my heart but I don’t have to have him in my life.

New Friend/New love.  I have made a long distance friend and we speak daily on the phone.  It is somewhat funny that someone that I have known for only a couple of months already means this much to me.  When I was describing our relationship to a friend yesterday I said: we are friends on steroids. It seems that just friends doesn’t fairly describe it but there is no other word.  And yet we never met and right at this moment I cannot tell you if we ever will.  This has been an exercise in much needed patience. If it were up to me, I would have met him yesterday. He wants to exercise caution and go slow.  So for now I am learning to enjoy the moment and the newness of what comes next without too much planning. It is exhilarating to realize that my heart is alive and ready to try again.

Past Life. So in the past several months I have lost a life that consisted of living in a big house with pool, tennis court, dog, and a bunch of other stuff that money can buy. I also lost companionship and what I thought was an everlasting love.

I never cared about material stuff, so the house, pool, tennis court, etc were all nice to have had but I haven’t spend a second missing it. The dog is another story.  I miss C on a daily basis, I see his face on other dogs.  Sometimes I hear his bark. I cry and pray for him.

Current Life. I love my new small apartment.  It is easy to maintain. I have water views and the location is great. I have a beach a can go to. I have a permit to use the town’s tennis courts and I enjoy and play with every dog I meet. Companionship will come, and for now a voice on the phone will do.  I am cherishing love in different ways, such as being kind to people and accepting their kindness. I am open to new things and new friends.

My Projects.

– Blog. I am so proud that I have started and kept it up with.

– Tennis. I am taking lessons and progressing beautifully according to my instructor. I love it, love it!

–Pilates. I am glad I am investing on my body.  It is money well spent! It is painful at times but I see muscles beginning to develop and I am falling in love with my body.

–French. I cannot afford lessons at this time, so I have bought the Pieumsler Method and have been learning on my own. I am not as disciplined with the lessons as I would like but still I can already ask someone if they want to have dinner or a drink with me. As a single girl this could come in handy if I meet a non-English speaking Frenchman. Hey, you never know!

–Mosaic. I have not been able to find a class in NY. Unbelievable, right? I found a workshop that has put me on a waiting list. I started one picture frame project and will soon show you the result.

–Skiing. I am now the happy member of a skiing club out of Washington, DC, and my first skiing trip is already scheduled.  I will be going to Snowmass, CO in February! I am so excited that I thinking I am going to go shopping for skiing boots.

–Volunteerism. I am ashamed to say that that has fallen to the waste-side. After encountering some red tape at the Hospital, the Friend of the Library not calling me back and the Tennis Association no needing anybody at this time, I became discouraged. But I am renewing my motivation to find someplace where I can help and hopefully soon will have news on this front.

***

Life is unbelievably great! I am so blessed to be single and free at this time! My time is my own to do as I please!

I am not even caring if I cry or not over Ex. There are no deadlines for the tears to stop flowing, let them flow if they come.  I know Ex will never be a part of my life again and I am finally at peace with that.

Still I must thank him for all he has done for me, good and bad. I was treated like a princess for a couple of years. He introduced me to things I now love: tennis, skiing and football.

I must thank him also for the pain. The pain allowed me to look inwards and grown. Were not for the pain, there would not be a blog.

I must also look in the mirror and acknowledge that I have had a part in the demise of the relationship.  I am not sure exactly what my part was, but I must stop and look at how I showed up for the relationship.  I am quick to point out what he did wrong, but I chose him. I kept making excuses and allowing the disrespect to continue.  There is a lot to be learned here, and hopefully as distance and time sets in I will  be able to see things clearly.

In this pain I pray more and get reacquainted with God.

So for now I thank YOU, the reader, for reading about my life, for giving me your opinion, for being a like in my page.  I thank you for your blog that at times has made cry, laugh.  You have sparked my curiosity and inspired me.

I am so grateful to God and the Universe for all that has come my way, good and bad.  I welcome all and try to learn all that I can.  I know that the bad will not last so I try to let it come and go as it may.  I know that the good never lasts either so I try to enjoy it the most that I can.  As life ebbs and flows I keep reinventing myself and falling more and more in love with me.  I love this 46 year old body that it is so amazing and able.  Last night looking in the mirror in the Zumba class I saw this hot Brazilian girl with a cute smile and sassy confidence staring back at me. I smiled back at her and made her a promise to never allow anyone to treat her less than the princess she deserves to be treated.

****

(all images from google images)

 

How young is too young?

07 Thursday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 45 Comments

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Animated Babies

(Picture courtesy of http://www.free-animations.co.uk)

I am sitting in the usual car of my usual train this morning playing with my phone when I have this feeling one gets when you have a pair of eyes on you.  I look up and I see this guy sitting 4 rows across from my seat staring at me.

I think to myself that dressing better on Thursdays is already paying off.

I don’t have to dress up for work.  As a matter of fact I could wear pajamas if I wanted to, but as a courtesy to my fellow train riders and my fellow New Yorkers I normally wear jeans or something as casual.

I wish I had a uniform so that I didn’t have to think of what to wear every morning (or the night before).  Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of clothes, specially now that I lost the chocolate weight and can get into a whole side of my closet that had been lying dormant for the past couple of years. I am just not creative when it comes to putting outfits together.

Because I know that if you dress better you feel better I figure I will start with dressing better on Thursdays, which happens to be my favorite day of the week. And hopefully that will get me motivated to add other days until, voila, I am dressing well the whole week!  Also, dressing better is a way of saying to the world, and most importantly to myself, that I matter enough to be concerned with how I look.

Anyway, going back to being stared at in the train…

This is a good looking young guy.  How young?  I am not sure, but I would venture a guess of low 30s.  Hummm, I am 46! So I am thinking to myself is he too young for me? Of course I am jumping the gun, for all I know he is staring at the lady behind me or next to me.

Why can’t I just relax and stare back?  Well, for beginners, I don’t know how. I don’t know how to sultrily look at any guy flirting with me. I am a big flirt but only after I met someone. The moment I have a stranger’s eyes on me I start either giggling or grinning like a Chesire cat.  I am sure guys are left scratching their heads thinking: what is wrong with her?  When I was a teen my sister would say:  Stop that grinning and giggling, they will think you have mental problems. Well, perhaps I do have mental issues because after 30 years my first reaction still is to giggle and grin.

Somehow I am able to hold my compusure and continue playing with my phone while attempting to give him quick glances.

The train arrives at Grand Central Station and I leave first. I have taken only a few steps and he is right next to me and says hello.  Up close he is even more handsome.  And YOUNG!!! He is just a baby! He looks late 20s max. I am disappointed, but still so flattered.

He asks me if I have time for breakfast and the only thing I say is: How old are you? Well I am nothing if I am not direct and to the point!  There is no guessing what I am thinking.

He says: 25, almost 25.

Oh, good God, is this a test?

I giggle! there comes the giggling again and I say: I could be your mother!

Somehow I think he has gone through this before because he lists a whole bunch of reasons why it doesn’t matter:

It is only breakfast!

You look 30!

Age is just a number!

I was always mature for my age!

You can have breafast with a friend, can you?

I give him extra points for having the guts of approaching me.  I find that a lot men are afraid of rejection so they don’t even try.  Perhaps he is too young to actually feel rejected – lol.  I politely say I am flattered but that it was best to skip breakfast.  I wish him luck and go.

Now, I know that it was only breakfast and perhaps I missed a chance of making a friend, but believe me I have been there before.  I have dated embarassingly young guys before, and in this case there is no such thing as just breakfast.

Still, I am flattered and more than ever motivated to dress up on Thursdays.  And it got me thinking:  What is my cutoff age?  How old is too young for me? since I am 46, I am thinking that a 10 year difference in either direction is okay.

but of course that is not set in stone!

By the way, for the record, I hate the label “cougar”!

(please see http://listuniverse.wordpress.com/ for my list of 10 reasons not to date a younger man)

Bye Bye Chocolate, See you soon!

19 Saturday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me, Food

≈ 26 Comments

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November 4th 2011 I made a decision that surprised all that know me well.  I decided to stop eating chocolate for 1 year. Everyone thought I was going crazy.  Well, really, they thought that I couldn’t do it.

I was addicted to chocolate! I specially enjoyed cakes, brownies, ice cream, candy bars, actually anything, except Hershey’s.  (I never liked Hershey’s chocolate, but other than that I liked any other brand.)

I used to eat chocolate every single day of my life. My house, my office, my car, my purse, I had chocolate everywhere for when the mood struck.  And it struck often, several times a day.

I cannot tell you why I decided to quit chocolate.  I don’t know the answer.  It was unplanned. If I were planning it I would have started on a Monday not on a Friday! But now, in hindsight, I realized that if were still eating chocolate I would be 300 pounds by now because I would have drowned my sorrows in chocolate.

November 4th was around the time that I became aware that my life was about to change, that life as “we” was over.  I still didn’t want to face it.  I was still thinking that it could still work.  How could it not? It had to work! I had so much love, my love was enough for the both of us. Doesn’t love conquer all?

It takes 2 to tango and it takes 2 to want to stay in a committed relationship! That is it! It is that simple!

I guess quitting chocolate was my way of exercising some sort of control over my life.    My relationship was out of control and the more I try to hold on to it, the more it spiraled and unraveled.

It has been mostly easy, ok, ok the days that we have Crumbs cupcake in the office, which is around once or twice a month are specially hard, but other than that I am surprised at how well I am handling it.

To me it shows how strong I am.  It reinforces to me the idea that I can do whatever I put my mind to! (me and the rest of the planet)

Now that I conquered chocolate I have a few more food items to conquer, such as sugar and bread, but I really need to think about those.  Bread: I go to bed dreaming about my bread and butter for breakfast.  Sugar: why do you think I am doing so well without chocolate?

The real question is: What am I going to do when November 4th 2012 arrives?  a)Will I just go nuts on chocolate?, b)Will I eat it in moderation or c)Will I decide to just quit it forever?

Stay tuned…

The last kiss you gave me

26 Thursday Apr 2012

Posted by in EX Files

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The last kiss you gave me

Let me describe the scene: As I was driving away you reached your head inside the car and kissed me.  I felt nothing, the fireworks were no longer there.  I was staring not on the face of the boyfriend.  I was staring in the eyes of a liar.

The last kiss you gave me

It was empty

It was cold

It was painfully emotionless

It was dead

The last kiss you gave me had nothing that I knew we had

There was no feeling

There was no warmth

There was no desire

The last kiss you gave me it was for appearance

It was to keep the impression that all was ok

The last kiss you gave me it was as if it represented all you felt for me: nothing

 

I try not to think that it was a big nothing, but how can I not?

Where was I that didn’t see your unhappiness, I thought the laughter and intimacy was joy

Where was I when you had already began getting involved with others?

Didn’t deserve respect?  Do you know the meaning of the word?

Didn’t I deserve honesty?  Do you know what that it is? 

I am trying not to hate, not to be angry, not for you but for my sake.  I don’t want to carry it around with me.

 

I thank God and the Universe for giving me the strength not to crumble. 

For making me realize that all this is growing pains.

For making me see that I am special and honest and deserve the same.

 

What you did and are doing, and we both know what those are. I probably don’t know the full extent of it, but at this point I don’t even want to know. Nothing else surprises me.

It is weird but I feel I have been sleeping with a stranger.  What made you change?

You hit 50 and all of sudden you want attention and power and some more attention. Oh well, go and enjoy and I hope it feeds your cravings.

I wish you only the best. I hope you never ever have to feel the pain I feel inside.  Take my word for it loving a loser is no fun!

So it is indeed fitting that I will not have a passionate last kiss to remember you buy.  It will be as meaningless as I was to you.

The last kiss you gave me is what I am most thankful for!

***

Yes folks, I am in pain, and said to say that tears are still coming. If anyone can relate please let me know perhaps we can help each other.