am I cougar?, ghost from the past, is the Universe sending a sign, it is ok to miss someone, leave the past in the past, old flames, old ghosts, older women, understand the signs, younger men
Yesterday as I was getting a book from my bookshelf the above calendar page fell on the floor.
At that moment the past came flooding back. AL, the young Irish guy, that has been mentioned on several of my posts, gave me that calendar book at the end of 2013.
I realized that it will be 1 year in January since we exchanged out last text. I am extremely surprised that he has complied with my request of not contacting me. I am happy he did. The pull he had on me was very strong, I am glad I don’t have to be tempted to reply.
As I think of him I send (mentally) him good wishes. I hope he is happy. Truly I do! He deserves it, even though I do I wish he had behaved differently towards the end.
He came into my life at a time I needed most. I was still grieving over the break up of the relationship that tore my heart to shreds. He was that breath of fresh air that made me feel alive again. He was a dear friend. He was an enthusiastic lover. Of course I knew it wouldn’t last, but I lied to myself, as we women often do. It was amazing while it lasted.
I remembered he said that meeting me was fairy-tale. I wouldn’t go that far, but a man saying stuff like that is just irresistible. Well, because I like him I thought it was charming, if I didn’t like him I would have probably thought it was cheesy. It is all in the context of how the heart feels.
Is this calendar a sign from the Universe? If so, what is it trying to tell me?
“Believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.” – Rainer Maria Rilke
I am going on a second date tonight with the very young accountant, who happens to be the same age AL is, 34. I don’t need to be a rocket scientist to know that this has the potential to hurt me. It can also be a lot fun.
Is the Universe telling me to go or not to go?
I am going Universe! I am not ignoring you. I just don’t know what you are trying to say. Tonight it will be a fun date of dinner and cookies. Tonight I will put the age difference on the back burner.
Thinking of AL reminded me that I am being successful at my resolve of not checking his, and other’s, social media. It has been over 1 month since I have made the decision to stop checking social media. https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2017/10/20/determined-and-no-longer-feeling-lost/
It was not an obsession but it was becoming one. It was a routine that was not productive. It was an addiction that was interfering with my life.
I am so proud that I am sticking to it. I have been more productive ever since. I have been posting here more. The best part is that now I have more time to check blogs of old friends and I am discovering tons of new ones.
I still look at social media if it is related to some news I have read, but it stops there. I no longer look at the people that are part of my past, they are not part of my future. I don’t look at certain celebrities as whatever they are eating or what vacations they are taking make no difference in my life. I no longer have the list of 20 sites that I would religiously look at every day, often multiple times a day. This harmless curiosity can actually be harmful if it is affecting one’s life. It was affecting mine.
“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.” – Albert Camus
I am curious about AL’s life. I miss his face and his texts. I miss his humor. I miss his flirting. I don’t miss ending up feeling unimportant and undervalued. I don’t miss feeling I am doing something I shouldn’t be doing. All this missing is becoming less and less. Soon it will be just a bleep, just a page in the book of my life, too insignificant to be a chapter.
Thank you AL for not contacting me. Your silence is all the friendship I need from you at this point. I treasure what we had (or what I thought we had).
Today someone asked me if I only like younger men. I answered: Not necessarily, they like me!
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” – Lao Tzu