21 Friday May 2021
Posted in Daily Life, Daily Message
I am doing a happy dance 🙂
“For a few minutes I tried to empty my mind entirely, to concentrate solely on breathing: sometimes it’s useful to rediscover simpler pleasures of life.” ―
ps. celebrate the fact that I have a post that goes right to the point
11 Tuesday May 2021
Posted in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me
Tags
Brazil here I come, doing my part, Feeling blessed, going home, making list, parents and brother
“Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.” ―
I have been thinking a lot about my family in Brazil. I have been waiting for the perfect time to go visit. The perfect time would be when this virus is gone from here, and from Brazil. But, who knows when that will be, or if it will ever be?
On the spur of the moment I bought a ticket to Brazil. I am leaving on May 22 and coming back on June 12. I am hoping 3 weeks is enough time to give my brother a break from taking care of my parents. He has been doing it for almost 2 years with no break. Normally my mom comes to NY twice a year, but Covid changed all that.
“I sustain myself with the love of family.” ―
My parents are 86 (mom) and 84 (dad). Mom’s hip is really giving her a hard time, so my brother is doing more and more around the house. We have someone that comes in twice a week to clean the house, and they order food out a few times a week, but there is always something to do.
I am bringing a laptop and will try to work from there, but the main objective of this trip is to spend time with my parents. Work will be secondary.
“If Light Is In Your Heart, You Will Find Your Way Home.”- Rumi
I have 11 days to get all done before I leave. I am now starting a series of lists to make sure I don’t forget anything. No one does my functions, so if I don’t do it, it will not get done.
I have lists of deadlines at work, of what to pack, of gifts to buy, of people to contact, and on and on. I am about to start a list to track all my lists ;-). I love making lists. It makes me feel that I am, somewhat, in control of things.
“You need to make time for your family no matter what happens in your life” ―
Let the shopping and packing start. There are a lot things to buy to take home. The most requested items are: vitamins and supplements, Victoria Secret’s body lotions, Lindt Chocolates. I will also brings bagels and pita chips for the family.
Similar to how I felt about the vaccine, I was unsure about traveling to Brazil. Then, at the moment I bought the tickets, it just felt right. AS if everything fell in place, and all is right in the world.
I feel blessed, yet again, for the freedom of coming and going. Mask or no mask!
“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” ―
28 Wednesday Apr 2021
Posted in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me
“Accept yourself, love yourself, and keep moving forward. If you want to fly, you have to give up what weighs you down.” ―
My great friend Anthony sent me the text below. It has been ascribed to Anthony Hopkins, but I am not really sure the source. I just love it and wanted to share.
′′Let go of the people who are not prepared to love you. This is the hardest thing you will have to do in your life and it will also be the most important thing. Stop having hard conversations with people who don’t want change.
Stop showing up for people who have no interest in your presence. I know your instinct is to do everything to earn the appreciation of those around you, but it’s a boost that steals your time, energy, mental and physical health.
When you begin to fight for a life with joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be ready to follow you in this place. This doesn’t mean you need to change who you are, it means you should let go of the people who aren’t ready to accompany you.
If you are excluded, insulted, forgotten or ignored by the people you give your time to, you don’t do yourself a favor by continuing to offer your energy and your life. The truth is, that you are not for everyone and not everyone is for you.
That’s what makes it so special when you meet people who reciprocate love. You will know how precious you are.
The more time you spend trying to make yourself loved by someone who is unable to, the more time you waste depriving yourself of the possibility of this connection to someone else.
There are billions of people on this planet and many of them will meet with you at your level of interest and commitment.
The more you stay involved with people who use you as a pillow, a background option or a therapist for emotional healing, the longer you stay away from the community you want.
Maybe if you stop showing up, you won’t be wanted. Maybe if you stop trying, the relationship will end. Maybe if you stop texting your phone will stay dark for weeks. That doesn’t mean you ruined the relationship; it means the only thing holding it back was the energy that only you gave to keep it. This is not love, it’s attachment. It’s wanting to give a chance to those who don’t deserve it. You deserve so much, there are people who should not be in your life.
The most valuable thing you have in your life is your time and energy, and both are limited. When you give your time and energy, it will define your existence.
When you realize this, you begin to understand why you are so anxious when you spend time with people, in activities, places or situations that don’t suit you and shouldn’t be around you, your energy is stolen.
You will begin to realize that the most important thing you can do for yourself and for everyone around you is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else. Make your life a safe haven, in which only ′′compatible′′ people are allowed.
You are not responsible for saving anyone. You are not responsible for convincing them to improve. It’s not your work to exist for people and give your life to them! If you feel bad, if you feel compelled, you will be the root of all your problems, fearing that they will not return the favours you have granted. It’s your only obligation to realize that you are the love of your destiny and accept the love you deserve.
Decide that you deserve true friendship, commitment, true and complete love with healthy and prosperous people. Then wait and see how much everything begins to change. Don’t waste time with people who are not worth it. Change will give you the love, the esteem, happiness and the protection you deserve.
“How would your life be different if…You stopped allowing other people to dilute or poison your day with their words or opinions? Let today be the day…You stand strong in the truth of your beauty and journey through your day without attachment to the validation of others” ―
09 Friday Apr 2021
Posted in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me
“Sometimes I go to God and say, “God, if Thou dost never answer another prayer while I live on this earth, I will still worship Thee as long as I live and in the ages to come for what Thou hast done already. God’s already put me so far in debt that if I were to live one million millenniums I couldn’t pay Him for what He’s done for me.” ―
P. remains in the hospital. I didn’t get in touch with his sister again. I reached out to his friend Pat. Pat gives me the updates that he gets from P.’s sister. She is very frustrated by the treatment he is getting in the hospital he is in now. She happens to be a top nurse in the hospital where he was treated for Covid a couple of months back.
Now he is in another hospital where his sister has no say. They tested him again for Covid. It came back positive as it was likely it would. Because of the positive result they put him in the Covid ward and no visitors are allowed.
I continue to send daily texts to his phone with positive messages in the off chance that he sees them. I can’t imagine being in a hospital, disconnected from loved ones and depending on strangers. Sending prayers and good wishes every time he comes to mind.
“Within her presence, I had once been used
to feeling—trembling—wonder, dissolution;
but that was long ago. Still, though my soul,
now she was veiled, could not see her directly,
by way of hidden force that she could move,
I felt the mighty power of old love.”
―
Moving on to a man from the past. I wrote about this person before, here: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2015/08/26/a-baby-made-me-cry/ and here: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2019/05/09/eliminating-the-distractions/ and in some other posts. I referred to him as J. or JW. I had blocked him before but we somehow started communicating again.
He calls and texts every several months. I normally return the call if it is regarding business. I last spoke to him a couple of months ago and put him in touch with a colleague regarding a business idea.
The calls are mostly friendly and always ends up with the idea of one day meeting for drinks. I know it will not happen, but it has been always the way we end phone calls.
Out of the blue, a couple of days ago, I got the text below:
I didn’t reply, and will not reply. I feel bad because I don’t like to ignore people. But in this case I feel I am being the voice of reason for both of us. I am not adding fuel to this potential fire. I am not adding my poetic self to his fairy tale view of this almost romance.
What is the point of looking back? I am single. He is married. End of story. I am not going there. I am sure that he is probably at a point in his marriage that he is bored. I am variety, I am spice, I am what if.
I have to be honest and say that the attention massaged my ego for a second. Someone is thinking of me, it warmed my heart. Originally I thought it was sweet, but almost immediately felt annoyed.
“Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified?” ―
I know it may seem like it is just a text. It is not! It is so much more. It is the fairy-tale. In between those lines I read so much more. It is what I dream of and search high and low for.
My heart took a leap. Yes, my heart is a dummy dreamer that doesn’t know the difference between lust and love.
Why play with somebody’s heart and emotions like that? I thought it was a tad thoughtless. I think he has this fairy-tale idea of the romance we almost lived. I am not even sure if we would be a good match if we were ever single at the same time. But the question mark remains and it is forever enticing.
It would make a good story, star-crossed lovers that met in a train…
My sister tells me daily that I should write a book…perhaps I should, just to memorialize the eternal search for love… in all the wrong places.
Wishing you all the most amazing weekend! May it be blessed with surprises! ♥♥
“A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is… A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in.” -―
07 Wednesday Apr 2021
Posted in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, EX Files
Tags
being patient and waiting, best friends and good food, kindness from a stranger, respirator and ICU
“Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.” -―
P.’s sister hasn’t contacted me again, as she said she would. In the meantime, his best friend Pat, contacted me on OKCupid a few days ago. He wanted to let me know that P. had not ghosted me.
I was very surprised. It was nice of him to do that. I gave him my phone number and asked him to let me know if he receives any updates.
Since I hadn’t heard from the sister, I texted Pat yesterday morning. He got back to me at the end of the day and he let me know that P. is off of the respirator and out of the ICU.
I am relieved and happy that he is getting better. I know I will be speaking to him at some point, but I know he now needs to focus on getting better.
In the meantime I do sent him texts and messages just sending prayers.
***
Last Friday I was treated to a late birthday dinner by my friend A. He said he would pick the restaurant. I was surprised since I am the one that often chooses where we go when we get together.
He picked Lusardi’s, a Mediterranean restaurant in Larchmont, NY. He said he remembered I mentioned I never went there before. I was touched that he remembered something I had mentioned in passing a long time ago.
He had red wine and I had a delicious hibiscus martini. We shared a couple of tuna appetizers and salad. He had a gluten free pasta with vegetables and I had grilled char with cherry tomatoes and artichokes. We shared a chocolate fudge cake.
We had an awesome time. It was a cold evening and we sat next to the fireplace. We talk about all things spiritual, love, finances, health, anything and everything. We always have the most amazing time together.
“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.” ―
21 Sunday Mar 2021
Posted in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating
Tags
always hopeful, expecting nothing, First date success, second date on the horizon, sparks and fireworks
“The very essence of romance is uncertainty.” – Oscar Wilde
He had suggested the Hudson Grill in White Plains. Instead, I chose Bill and Pete’s in Larchmont because I thought it would be quieter.
I was wrong. We were seated at a tall table by the bar. It was pretty loud. There were some people congregating by the bar, happily, singing and dancing. I guess everyone is just happy to be out again after so long.
He was cute, charming and very nervous. I was not. I never get nervous on first dates. They will either like me or they won’t, it is not a big deal either way. I knew he would be a nice guy and we would have a good time.
I no longer go on first dates expecting sparks. I go expecting good conversation and a friendly time.
He is a 56 years old accountant. He is soon to be divorced for the second time. What is up with my meeting men that has been married a couple of times before?
“You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer yes without having asked any clear question.” – Albert Camus
We shared a couple of appetizers and a sausage pizza for the main course. The food came in reverse order. All good, it didn’t bother us.
He had Pinot Grigio, I had Prosecco. Towards the of the evening the owner treated us to another round of drinks.
He was cute, funny, clumsy. He almost flipped the table on top of me. It was a small tall table and he leaned over to hear me better. The waitress was passing by at the same moment and quickly held it down. He was mortified.
Later on I had ordered a little ice cream cone with a donut on top for dessert. It was so tiny and cute, I asked him to hold it so I could take a picture. He dropped it. He was again extremely embarrassed.
We talked and laughed the whole evening. We got there at 6:30 and left at 10pm. In the end it was clear that we liked each other and that there were sparks.
We have a second date scheduled for Wednesday. I am looking forward to seeing him again…that hasn’t happened in a long time.
“. . .Looking forward to things is half the pleasure of them.”
― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables
TO RECAP: Since joining OKCupid, I have met 4 men:
D, 58 yrs. old, Volleyball fanatic. We met at Sedona Tap House. He is a great guy. Asked me on a second date, but I declined. He agreed to be friends.
N, 57 yrs. old, CFO. We met at Encore Bistro Francais. We were supposed to go on a second date but I had the dental surgery. No sparks, but I thought it would be fun to see him again.
S, 54 yrs. old, Attorney. We met at La Herradura. He seemed very interested but then just became apparently too busy. No crazy sparks but thought we needed a second date to make sure.
P, 56 yrs. old, Accountant. Described on this post.
I am pleasantly surprised with OKCupid. I am not a paying member but so far I have come accross very interesting men. Most of them I have no met yet as they want to wait to get vaccinated. I may be off the market by then 🙂
Stay tuned…
“I’m not sentimental–I’m as romantic as you are. The idea, you know, is that the sentimental person thinks things will last–the romantic
person has a desperate confidence that they won’t.” – ― F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise
20 Saturday Mar 2021
Posted in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
―
On Saint Patrick’s Day I took the day off to go skiing. My sister and I went to a little Mountain called Thunder Ridge, located in Patterson, NY.
I didn’t want another season to go by without being on skis. I also wanted my sister to try it for the first time. She did and she didn’t care for it. Too cumbersome, too dangerous. I get it. To start skiing at this age of 54 can be scary.
She got an instructor that was awful. Hopefully she will try again next season.
I am still terrified by skiing and yet, still so enamored by it. I love being there in the snow. I like the whole skiing environment. I am still afraid, but continue to love and embrace the challenge.
“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” ―
Will I ever be comfortable skiing? I don’t know. What I know is that I will never give up trying.
In my mind I know what I need to do. I know I am capable. I know the mountains and trails I have skied before. Why do I get worst and not better?
I know I need more practice, more time on skis; so I am going to continue trying, Next season I am going to try to go often.
I am thinking of getting one of those multiple mountains passes, either the Ikon or the Epic. Do any of you ever get those?
***
I had a follow up visit with the dentist yesterday. He said that the pain I was feeling for 8 days was normal because he was really aggressive in trying to clean the area affected after he removed the implant. All is looking as well as it should. The plan is to wait another 3 months, take x-rays and then decide what to do: put in another implant or leave it alone.
I have a date tonight with a new guy. Stay tuned for the report next time.
Thank you for reading and wishing you all a blessed weekend! ♥♥
“If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgement of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgement now.” ―
02 Tuesday Mar 2021
Posted in Daily Life, Daily Message
“Be the reason someone smiles. Be the reason someone feels loved and believes in the goodness in people.” ― Roy T. Bennett
There was a service for my friend’s daughter on Sunday. It was beautifully decorated with sunflowers and white roses. My friend was stoic. We could see that she has the weight of the world on her shoulders.
My sister and I have been around her. We took her out to dinner on Friday night and on shopping on Saturday. This week, as she returns to work, we will take turns checking in on her.
“Get busy living or get busy dying.” – Shawshank Redemption
Death clearly shows us brevity and beauty of life. That is the only certainty we have: one day we will die. So let’s not waste this finite, precious gift. Do more, worry less.
So many things I want to do that I keep leaving for tomorrow. Always waiting for something to do something. The time is now. It is always now.
“Death should not quiet your soul; instead, it should enliven it.” ―
On Friday I am going in for another dental surgery. The 2 laser treatments I had done to try to save this 1 implant worked for a couple of years. The latest x-rays shows that it stopped working. I cannot wait any longer. I will be removing 1 implant to hopefully still save the other 2. Fingers crossed.
“Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.” ― J.K. Rowling
Tomorrow marks the 1 Year anniversary of the first Covid case in New Rochelle. We will be observing one minute of silence at exact 12pm. At 7pm there will be “Clap Because We Care” – stand outside or open our windows to make noise in support of health care workers and essential workers.
I thought, that at most, this would last 2 weeks. We are now marking anniversaries. Such a crazy time in this place called Earth.
“The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word ‘crisis.’ One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger–but recognize the opportunity.” ― John F. Kennedy
17 Wednesday Feb 2021
Posted in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me
“When we’re interested in something, everything around us appears to refer to it (the mystics call these phenomena ‘signs’, the sceptics ‘coincidence’, and psychologists ‘concentrated focus’, although I’ve yet to find out what term historians would use).” ―
I believe in signs. I believe that if we are paying attention, if our minds are still, we can notice signs all over.
I don’t pay attention. I am never quiet. My mind is always going 100 miles per hours. I am sure I go through life missing signs. But every now and then, I see something and it feels like a sign.
I am that person that believes in everything that cannot be seen or explained. I believe in unicorns, angels, miracles, fairy-tales, soulmates and all of that is magical and unexplainable.
I pray that I am able to see the signs as I encounter them. Yes, I believe in the power of prayer too. I pray for signs that show me that I am in the right path; that I didn’t veer off into the wrong path.
“I can choose either to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It’s all a question of how I view my life.” ―
The other day, as I was walking to work, I felt a pebble inside my shoe. I stopped, and as I flipped my shoe, two pennies fell off. I was surprised. It felt like a tiny pebble and not coins. (see picture below)
How did it get there? I don’t know, and I don’t really care. I see it as a sign. A sign of abundance and prosperity, of money coming my way. Based on what, you may ask? On nothing; just my crazy ever so optimistic mind.
I got to work and a few minutes later I got an email from my credit card confirming a $1,000 refund for a ticket to Brazil that I had already given up on.
Today, as I am again walking to work, I see a rose on the sidewalk. I was passing on by, then I thought to myself: If it was money, I would pick it up, why not a flower? I went back and picked it up. (see the picture below)
It is one of those flowers made of fabric. It looked perfect, clean, and so out of place lying on the sidewalk on this frigid winter day.
To me, it came bringing all sorts of messages. It signals goodness blooming. It means love, happiness, good fortune, good days ahead. All that goodness coming and going, to me and from me.
No, unfortunately I didn’t get to work and Prince Charming was waiting for me 😦 But it could happen. I believe!
That is me! Always a dreamer! May I always be in the moment and alert to see the signs gifted to me from above.
I think I notice signs walking to work because that is when I am at my quietest. It is early, not a lot people on the street. I don’t have the TV or radio going. I am not fiddling on the cell phone. I am doing 1 thing: walking, instead of 3 or 4. I am just walking, happy, feeling the cold air on my face and feeling ever so alive.
“I believe in signs….what we need to learn is always there before us, we just have to look around us with respect & attention to discover where God is leading us and which step we should take. When we are on the right path, we follow the signs, and if we occasionally stumble, the Divine comes to our aid, preventing us from making mistakes.” ―
14 Sunday Feb 2021
Posted in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me
Tags
crowns and hearts, fearless love, Happy Valentine's Day, ignorance is bliss, kings and castles, Sade songs, Your love is king
“Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final”
―
I am dealing with the opposite of writer’s block. I have had so much I wanted to share and so many ideas, and yet I can’t manage to finish a post. It is 2am now and I promised myself that I will not go to sleep until I hit the Publish button. So forgive the typos.
I have started doing to my posts what I do with books. I start multiple ones, but never finish them. I need to change this bad habit that is starting to permeate all areas of my life.
Because it is Valentine’s Day I want to leave you with a song that I love. I love everything about Sade and her music. This song also reminds me of when I first arrived in the US, in 1984. It had been released at that time.
It was a time of newness, discovery, uncertainty, sadness, excitement, and so much belief and faith.
“What have we to fear, we who believe?” ―
What I don’t remember having at that time was fear. I was too young at that point to have any fear. What a blessing it is to know no fear. I was 17 years, and even without speaking the language, having any money or job, I did feel I would be okay in this foreign land. I didn’t know the details of when, what or how, but I knew I would be okay.
It was not a feeling of complete invincibility. Perhaps it was just ignorance of fear. I was ready and eager to embrace the future. I envy the focus and hunger of that young girl. I want to be her again. I want to be that fearless and determined again.
“Don’t be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.” ―
On this Valentine’s Day, I wish you courage. The courage to open your heart and allow others in. Be willing to be vulnerable. Anywhere you go leave a trail of love and kindness! Let the ones you care know that you do.
Above all, be amazing to yourself. Treat yourself with kindness! Do what brings you joy! You are unique, special and deserving of love!
I love you for coming here, reading, liking, commenting, and reaching out to me in other ways. It brings me joy, warms my soul and it makes my heart sing. It means the world, it makes a difference! I am grateful!
“Believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.” ―
Your Love is King – Sade
