Tag Archives: expectations

The wonderful world of possibilities and anticipation!

28 Sunday Jun 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

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* “The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” ― Steve Maraboli

What I love most about life is the fact that the future is such a mysterious gift.  I continue to try to work hard, be positive, humble, grateful, pro-active and most important, to be present in the moment. I believe that if I continue to do my part the Universe will continue to bless me with miraculous rewards.

One of the most important lessons I have learned is that there is nothing to gain for beating myself up when I make a mistake.  A mistake happens, I ponder about what I could have done different, how I will handle the same situation in the future, but most important, I try to find the lesson in the mistake so I don’t repeat it again.  In my last post I spoke about the mistake of having sex with AL.

That single mistake/lesson has been a major turning point for me.  It made me realize what I really want in life as far as romantic relationships and sex.  For me platonic friends and sex is not a good combination.   AL and I continue to text and be friends.  I continue to regard him as a great friend and as someone I can count on.  I take full responsibility for that mistake and I am grateful for the part he played in helping me learn the lessons I needed to learn.

* “We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.” 

The Universe has an incredible/impeccable  timing.  Two nights after I was with AL I went on a date with someone new.  I met this guy on POF (Plenty of Fish). I will call him AS.

I decided to have a new attitude in dating now.  I will have no expectations and be open minded to everyone I meet. I will give everyone a fair chance and will try to be in the moment and already foresee the future.  I never expected that as soon as I decided to make a mental shift that I would meet someone special.

* “Your greatest self has been waiting your whole life; don’t make it wait any longer.”

I met AS at an Italian Restaurant and we decided to walk to a Vegetarian Restaurant that his sister had just visited and recommended. The food was good, but the company and conversation was exceptional. There was no lull in the conversation. He talks about the same books I have read (or meant to read :-).  He talks about Ho’oponopono (an ancient Hawaiian practice) and his experience with Shamans (spiritual healers), among many other things that not everyone is familiar with but I happen to know about it and believe in.  We are in awe of the so many things we have in common.  Our outlook in so similar, we both feel blessed and believe that the Universe conspires to bring us what we need and what we emanate.  We believe in being humble and grateful.  It feels good to talk about the things I believe in without thinking I am going to scare him or weird him out. He also loves to travel and wants to see the world – another important connection for me.

After dinner he walked me home.  In the lobby of my building he took my face in his hands, gave me a sweet peck on the lips and said he would like to see me again.  That was Wednesday night.  The next day he texted and asked me out to brunch on Sunday.

It was very hard for me to keep my excitement down.  Will a second date be equally as nice as the first or will all fall apart?

All the guys I meet end up living very far, but in this case even the logistics are perfect.  He lives 10 blocks away from where I live.  He also works 10 blocks away from my work.

The second date was even better.  We sat and talked for 3 hours.  He had to go meet friends so eventually we had to leave. Even though I live only 2 blocks away from the restaurant he said he would drive me home -I think we both wanted to spend as much time as we could together.  As we are walking to his car he asked if he could hold my hand. I said yes.  If this was any other guy I would find this request extremely corny, but with him it seemed gentle, cute and respectful.

He parked in front of my building and as I am getting ready to leap out, he said: “Hold on, let me walk you to your door” …another gentlemanly moment that makes me feel special.  At my door he says good bye with a sweet peck on my lips again as in the first date. It is amazing how sometimes times tiny gestures have a huge impact!

* “There is nothing more beautiful than seeing a person being themselves. Imagine going through your day being unapologetically you.”

I love that he seems so secure and so unhurried about things.  He was not all over me even though the chemistry and sexual tension is there.  It is as if he knows that something will happen but he realizes that waiting and taking it slow can only make it better.

He inspired me to get moving on my goals in life and to get back to reading all the personal growth and spiritual books I have on my bookshelf that I never seem able to finish.  He pursues education and self improvement with a determination I have never seen before.  Being inspired by my partner to become a better person is one of the ideas I have for the right person for me. Please don’t confuse my thinking he is perfect for me with thinking that is he is perfect.  No one is!   I also think that he could also learn from me.  I think I can have him laughing more, relaxing more.

* “If you hang out with chickens, you’re going to cluck and if you hang out with eagles, you’re going to fly.” 

As expected I have been floating on this cloud of anticipation of what it is to come (being careful not to miss the present moment).  I think anticipation is okay but expectations are bad!  Still I am trying to keep all the excitement in check as there are always all kinds of impediments in new relationships.  After all we only had 3 dates and don’t really know each other.

The third date was on Thursday night.  We had decided to play ping pong since I said that I probably could beat him at that. But I will save the details of the third for the next post in the next day or so. I feel the third date deserves its own post, as insecurities, fears and self sabotage already started rearing their ugly heads. He was away this weekend to be in wedding returning on this coming Thursday.  So I had/have plenty of time to dissect and analyze every second of this third date and all I have done wrong…yes my impatience and impulsiveness got the best of me.  Dating as an Aries is tough!

* “Do not sabotage your new relationship with your last relationship’s poison.”

What I will say for now is that it seems I met my match.  My heart is singing with the melody of possibilities.

So that things don’t seem just absolutely perfect I will venture some differences between him and I: Due to his profession he is very conscious about eating, health and the world.  He is a vegetarian that tries to stay away from sugar and other ingredients deemed unhealthy.  He is extremely book smart, serious, focused and driven.  I am a street smart, sarcastic girl that loves a good bacon cheese burger and rewards herself with sweets.  I am totally unfocused with a wandering mind that lack clear goals.  Will our optimism and eternally blessed attitude be enough to bridge this gap?

* “Stop trying to ‘fix’ yourself; you’re NOT broken! You are perfectly imperfect and powerful beyond measure.” 

* All quotes are by Steve Maraboli.  He is so inspiring!

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Third time is not the charm!

15 Saturday Mar 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“When you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way.” ― Paulo Coelho

I have just returned from the third date with the guy I have mentioned on the previous post.

The date went great or so I thought.  We went to an Italian restaurant around the corner from my home.  This time he surprised me with chocolate covered strawberries from Godiva. He brought me flowers on dates 1 and 2 but because I am flying to Brazil tomorrow he realized flowers weren’t a good idea this time.  (He owns a flower shop)

We joked, laughed and flirted. There was no shortage of conversation during the dinner.  Then he drove me home, which was just 2 blocks away.  He parked at my door and somehow the conversation gets to the point when he says he wishes he could come into my apartment and give me a proper kiss and not kiss me in the car. My response:  oh well, that is not going to happen.  I explained yet again that I am not going to fall in bed with the first guy that I have sparks with and the first guy that buys me dinner.

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” 
― Alexander Pope

(I am not thinking that every guy that walks into my apartment is interested in sex or that sex is a given.  I have had potential dates in my apartment before.  But in this case I know exactly what this person wants and I know that I would have to spend the entire evening saying no.  Plus I don’t really feel I know him enough to invite him in)

Of course he goes into that speech that I know too well: “nothing is going to happen that you don’t want to happen, I will leave anytime you want, etc, etc”  I remained firm.

He said something to the fact that he wasn’t doing anything right.  I told him how surprised I was that he would not realize that just the fact of getting a third date is a huge sign that things were going well. 

“Self-control is the chief element in self-respect, and self-respect is the chief element in courage.” ― Thucydides

We got out of the car and he walked me to my door and kissed good night.  As I walked towards the elevator I knew things wouldn’t progress with him.

Five minutes after I am inside my apartment he texts me and I quote: “I feel like the guy with the 5 dates and no kiss.  Maybe we should end it at 3.  Always had the best time! Thanks!”

(I had mentioned to him that awhile back I had met someone that was great and I kept going on dates trying to give chemistry a chance but it never worked, so  that is why now if there is not a hint of chemistry on the first date, I never go on a second)

My honest reaction to his text?  First and foremost relief! I was not sure about him, first for the fact of the little age discrepancy.  Second I was starting to feel pressured about going beyond kissing.  Third,  I was offended that he would use something I told him against me. Last, but not least, he could have said how he felt face to face and not in text.

I texted back: “Shocked!  But I respect how you feel”

He replied:”You don’t know how I feel so don’t respect it. Sweet dreams.”

I thought that was just rude and didn’t reply. Why should we go back on forth on text when I had already explained how I feel many times before.

Five minutes later he calls.  I didn’t answer the phone and I will not answer if he calls again.  He did not leave a message. What is there to say?  It seems like game playing to me.  This man is 62 years old and is acting like some insecure 15 year old, or perhaps he thinks that he can talk me into fast forwarding this relationship.  Whatever he thinks he is doing it is not appealing to me.  Did he want me to keep telling him how nice he was?  Did he think that this type of text will make me want him more and I was going to try to change his mind?

I don’t have a time frame to go beyond kissing, but I will not invite anybody into my apartment until I am comfortable with that person.  If a date cannot accept and respect my feelings in regards to that then he is not for me.

No, I don’t think I am such a great prize, but this is my body and I want to treat it with respect.  Also, my apartment is my safe haven and not a place that is open to everyone.  At this point in my life I don’t want to jump into anything.  I want to go slow and steady and not crash and burn.

I don’t feel I owe any explanation to anyone. You are not happy with my way, then don’t stick around.  I am happy he chose to go now, rather than later.  It saved us both time.

oh well, Next!

(I don’t like using the f word, but Tupac put things so well, I am making an exception)
“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.” ― Tupac Shakur

I am angry and I like it!

13 Wednesday Nov 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I am being forced to write this post.  Yes there is someone holding a gun to my head.  That someone is my conscience.

This blog has been a lifesaver.  I feel I owe my sanity to it.  Therefore I feel I cannot not share some feelings just because they show a side of me that I don’t like.    You are my friend and have been here through thick and thin, so you deserve to know how angry I am at this moment.  Anger is not me, and I don’t want to be seen as an angry person, but at this moment I am!

“The world needs more anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn’t angry enough.” 
― Bede Jarrett

I don’t advocate anger, but I am welcoming anger at this point.  It feels liberating! It feels I am one step closer to being free.  This elusive freedom seems harder than I had fathomed!  Freedom from what you may ask? Freedom from thinking about Ex.

Here I go again talking about him.  He is a subject that should have been dead and buried a long time ago.  But anytime I seem to forget about him, something snaps me right back to the starting point.

I am here to tell you right now that anger can, at times, be a good thing.  It can open your eyes and be a healing force.  It can force someone to face a tough issue and snap someone into action.   It is strange to me to see anger in such a way, or perhaps it is just my positive self trying to be positive about something so negative.  I have to make this anger work for me.  This anger feels long overdue.  I had thought that I had been lucky enough to have never felt this angry towards my Ex.  I was proud of not having anger in my heart for him or anybody else.  I had periods of being mad, but nothing like what I have been feeling the last few days.  I realize we may jump around the grief process, but eventually we will get to all of them.  My grief as it turns out is not over!

What was the straw the broke the camel’s back?  A text with a picture!  Something snapped inside of me when I received this one text from Ex.  How dare he still text me after I had expressly asked for no contact and he agreed.

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” 
― Gloria Steinem

He sent me a text with a picture of him and the Kids. It is a long story but he had not seen his kids in a long time, so them all together is nothing shorter than a miracle.  The ex-wife is a nightmare and always tried to prevent the kids from having a relationship with the father.  He is a lousy partner but a great father and deserves to see the kids and the kids need to see him.

I know that some of you will say that he wanted to share his happiness with me.  Well, he is not allowed to anymore!  I have asked for no contact, no contact means not contact.  He is happy I know! I am happy for him.  But I don’t care to know about his life at this point.   I am angry over everything regarding Ex and I am angry over having kept the door open to him.  How could I have looked at everything he did so lightly?  How could I have continued to engage in communication with him?

Perhaps it was the caption on the picture that read: ‘”The whole family together again”, or perhaps that he wrote that the kids asked about me and sent their love.  Perhaps still, it was the assumption that who took the picture was the new girlfriend; well I am sure of it! So after being happy for him, I was mad.

There is one point where you need to stop being polite and just start watching out for yourself.  I am there!

“Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” 
― Aristotle

I am angry at myself for being angry and for still having all these bottled up feelings for him.   I feel that I should have been this angry 2 years ago.  I was going to ignore the text.  I let it marinated overnight, but by the next day at noon I had only grown angrier and even though my sister and my co-worker suggested that I either ignore it or just say that I was happy for him, I had to go and tell him exactly how I felt.  I told him how it hurts me to hear from him.  How I don’t want to be contacted again and don’t care to know about his life. I also mentioned how I thought the new girlfriend was a good replacement for me.  I am not proud of that text, but I don’t regret it either.

He and I cannot be friends, no matter how much time goes by.  We have no reason to be friends or have any communication (unlike couples that have children together).  So I am finally letting go of this illusion of being friends one day.  I don’t want to be friends with someone that has done what he has done to me, someone that continues to be clueless as to how much he hurt me and to the ramification of his actions, and someone that only thinks about himself.  To this day he has never acknowledged any wrongdoing, and continues to lie to people saying that I moved out to be closer to my job and that we are still friends. He created a lie and he believes in it.  I refuse to participate in that lie anymore.

He hasn’t replied to my text and I don’t expect or want a reply.  I said what I had to say and I don’t want to hear or talk about him anymore.

“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.” 
― Maya Angelou

This anger allowed me to see things clearer.  It allowed me to look around and realize that I was still keeping him around in things.  So I burned the letter that he sent me, which, when I received it,  had made me happy and had felt like a good closure.  I burned some proof I had of his cheating – I know he cheated I don’t need to proof to anybody.  I deleted all the emails and the pictures.  I don’t know why I was keeping those things around, but it feels awesome to have those things gone.  I could have just thrown those things away, but there is nothing like burning them with white sage incense. It felt like a ritual of getting rid of the past and cleansing the path for the future.

“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.” 
― Malcolm X

So, I am hoping this is the last chapter on the Ex story, but even as I write this I think of a never ending bad Halloween movie.

***

On a separate note, I went to my first Kabbalah class last night.  I really enjoyed it because it seems to validate what I already believe in.   The teacher talked about the need to stop being reactive.  I had always saw my reactive behavior and impulsiveness as being a good thing, as a sign that I was following my heart and my instincts, but of late I had started to question that and realize that one thing had nothing to do with the other. Yesterday it felt like a validation of my thoughts.

Perhaps I am already brainwashed :), but it appeared that the teacher was talking directly to me.  Everything fit me to a T, specially when it came to relationships.

I am eager to learn more and perhaps share things that I find useful.

***

I am going on a date tonight!!! After a long time with no dates I am meeting a handsome, smart and funny Englishman tonight.  We have spoken on the phone a few times but had not met before because of how busy I had been with my Mom and because of his travels.

Do I think he is the one?  Well, I don’t accept an invitation unless I see potential.  I don’t want to waste anybody’s time or my own.  I am choosing not to have huge expectations.  All I expect is a fun time with a potential friend.

I am excited about being out at a social setting, having a drink and flirting my ass off!!  Did I mention that he appears to have very kissable lips?  Well I don’t normally go kissing anyone on the first date, but it has been a long time and my lips have been lonely! Oh and his accent is both sexy and powerful… I am thinking I should have only one drink …

“Today expect something good to happen to you no matter what occurred yesterday. Realize the past no longer holds you captive. It can only continue to hurt you if you hold on to it. Let the past go. A simply abundant world awaits. (January 11)” 
― Sarah Ban Breathnach

Heart, heart… what are you saying?

08 Sunday Jul 2012

Posted by in Dating, Finding Me

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I am sitting here trying to finish a post about my finances, but my mind is some place else.  I am thinking of how I have been in dealing with my emotions and expectations lately.  Expectations is, by the way, a word that I would like to remove from my vocabulary.

So the post about finances will have to wait (along with the check to the IRS)

I have been taking baby steps in the right direction in dealing with my emotions and expectations.  I have a long, long way to go, but these small improvements have me believing that I can get there.  There being a place where I can freely love without a single expectation.  Love for the sake of love alone!! There being a place that I know that what I feel is love for the other person, not lust, not wanting and needing to be touched only.

This has been a very hard post to write. It is hard for me admit that perhaps I shouldn’t completely and blindly listen to my heart.

I pride myself in being honest and telling it like it is. So the moment that I have feelings for someone, and for the sake of this post I am only talking about romantic relationships, I put it all out there.  I never learned how to play the dating game. I never learned how to be coy, how to play hard to get, how to go slow.  There are no mysteries with me, no guessing games. If I like someone I tell them. I bare myself and my soul.

… and then it is up to the other person to deal with me and my bluntness and all my expectations.

I will never say honesty is a problem, honesty to me is always the solution.  But there is such a thing as too much too soon and it comes with a price.  That price is rejection and pain, with perhaps the highest price being the never blossoming of a lasting love. There is also the issue of not knowing if my feelings are real or just an illusion of the love I want so bad in my life.

Problem 1: Recognizing feelings for what they are. Is it love or something else?

Baby step solution: Admitting I have a problem distinguishing my feelings. Admitting the possibility that not all my loving feelings are real love. 

So until I learn how to tell my feelings apart  (which I cannot begin to guess how to do that) I am going to deal with my impulsive actions in regards to those feelings. I have been speaking and acting with haste and without a conscious thought my entire life.   It is not only okay, but wise, to slow down and wait to see if the feelings I am feeling will remain and grow or just go away.  I can still be honest with myself and my feelings, but I just need to exercise a little caution. I should err on the side of slowness.

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.”  ― Thich Nhat Hanh

Admitting I may have a problem happened with the help of, not only, pain and reflection, but also of a friend.  He has been helping me to see that blindly following my heart and emotions may feel amazing in the beginning but it can lead to heartache.  The irony is that he is my current object of affection, attention and constant daydreaming. While I have been trying to convince him to just act on impulse he has been trying to reign me in,  trying to get me to slow down.

It is not easy for me to accept people’s help and guidance. It is not easy for me to admit that I cannot figure it all out alone.  This friend has been a blessing.  He has put up with tears and bad jokes.  He has been standing his ground as I try to, time and time again, seduce him.  In the past I would have moved on from him, but this time I want to stick around and see what the future holds. This time I am able to see the value in the friendship and not think of the romance alone.  Perhaps I am stronger and wiser, perhaps I see in him the teachings I need.  Perhaps I am ready to admit my shortcomings and make changes. Perhaps I see that his heart is in as much pain as mine. Perhaps I am just old and tired! 🙂

Problem # 2: Impulsiveness.  Reacting on every feeling, real or not.

Baby step solution: Trying to sit with the feeling before reacting. Trying do engage my mind into the equation.  Trying being the key word here.

My impulsiveness has caused me to just blurt out what my heart is thinking as soon as I think it.  I say whatever comes to mind to anyone, at any time, in any circumstance.  Some times people think I am funny, sometimes they think I am a breath of fresh air, but most times I am just too straightforward to some, too shocking. I jump in head first in a relationship just because it feels right.  Just because my heart told me so.

There is no thought in my actions.  There is impulse and reaction.  There is really no time for anything else.  So the key has been trying to slow things down enough to have my mind in the mix.

“Let the first impulse pass, wait for the second.” Baltasar Gracian

Text and e-mails were sent out of the blue just because.  That modus operandi lead to disappointment and unnecessary grief many many times and lead to relationships ending before they started. I think I have scared men.

In the past an example of my pattern would go something like this: I hear my heart talking about some feeling for someone and if I felt reciprocated I would go in overdrive mode. I would sent texts and emails and not be shy about talking about my feelings.  I would feel amazing about it… for about a second. Then reality would set in and I would be maniacally waiting for a reply that sometimes never came.

My impulsiveness is never alone, it is always accompanied by its sister expectations.

Problem #3: Controlling my expectations. Always expecting acceptance and love in return.

Baby step solution: Considering the consequences of each action and the potential result.  Trying to understand my expectations and letting them go.  Enjoying the feeling of an action without an expectation and building on that feeling.

When I didn’t get a response to my e-mails or text, or when the person somehow didn’t live up to my expectations, I would blame and admonish myself for my haste and I would blame the other person for giving me those feelings and then backing away.  I never understood why wasn’t the person seeing the genuineness of my words and actions.  Why wasn’t the person honored by my attention and affection?

In the past everything I did had expectations attached to them.  Everything! No one could win with so much expected from them.  It was like I was always setting the other person up to fail, and they eventually did.

In the last couple of weeks I have come up with and have put in a practice a 1 minute rule to deal with my e-mailing and texting. When I write a text or an e-mail I force myself to go away from it for 1 minute.  In that minute I answer the following question: Will I be okay if I don’t get a reply, or if the reply is not positive?  If my answer is yes then I hit send, if the answer is no or maybe than I save it and revisit it later or just go ahead and deleted it.

It has been amazing what this one little change has done.  It has freed me.  I continue to send emails and texts that are perhaps a little too forward, but they go off into the sunset on their own, with no expectations attached. I hit send and forget it.  I no longer keep checking my phone looking for a reply.  The truth is I still over share, but I no longer put any burden on the other person to reciprocate.  Some times I get responses back and some times I get silences and I am okay with both because my goal has changed. The goal is to honor that feeling at that moment and not to get anything back.

Now, phone calls and in-person are another story.  As far as those I am trying to speak slow and to actually hear the other person out. Slowing down seems to be the way to go for me in all senses.

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”  ― Donald Miller

I have faith that I am going in the right direction.  I know I am not betraying my heart, even though it feels a little like that, but I am helping my heart make informed decisions. Impulsiveness is me, but it doesn’t have to be the whole me, it doesn’t have to define me. Expectations is a fact of life for me but I can learn to co-exist with it in peace.

Lastly, I know I have used the  word “change”, but I actually like the word “improving” better.  I don’t want to change myself, I want to improve myself! God has made me this way for a reason and I don’t want to change me. He also gave me tools, sometimes in the form of people, to guide me and help me to grow.  God has given me wisdom to see that I don’t have to cause myself unnecessary pain.   He has opened my eyes to see that I am no alone.

my friend is a cookie in a cookie jar that is way beyond my reach. If I go up on the counter to try to reach it I may fall and hurt myself. But sometimes all I want is a cookie and nothing else will do! sometimes scraped knees don’t seem too bad! 🙂