Tag Archives: honesty

Is the third date the charm or the undoing?

01 Wednesday Jul 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy, absentminded. Someone sober will worry about things going badly. Let the lover be. ” ― Rumi, The Essential Rumi

So this is about the third date with AS.  I normally don’t get excited enough about anyone to go on a second date let alone a third date, so this is really a major deal.  I am trying to reign in my excitement and not get ahead of myself.

For this third date we decided to meet to play ping-pong as I told him I could probably beat him.  Before the date he called me to see if I wanted to have dinner first.  So we met at the same Vegetarian restaurant from the first date (I am missing burgers already 😦  This time I didn’t quite care for my meal but the conversation continued to be great and flow easily.

My first misstep:  I told him that I liked him and was excited to have met him.  Why be so honest and upfront?  He said he felt the same way.  But what was he going to say?  why do I have this need to lay all my card on the table so soon?

“When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.” ― Rumi

After dinner we went to shoot pool (as the place no longer had ping pong tables).  I lost!  No news there as I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to pool.

After we were done playing he drove me to my apartment building and walked me to my lobby. In that few seconds where he would give me a quick peck on the lips I turn to him and  said: What now?  Want to come up?  His answer was sure, or something like that. Misstep # 2: I invited him to my apartment.   I don’t know why I did it, it was totally impulsive.    I knew there would be no sex and there would be no chance that he would be anything less than a gentleman.  But still why did I have to?  I am guessing I wanted to get a real kiss.  To me it is all about the kiss, and even though a light peck on the lips was sweet and good,  I craved more.

I offered him some coffee, tea or juice but he settled on water.  Then I showed him my apartment which he said was great.  He kissed me while I was showing him around.  There were sparks!!

“Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames” ― Rumi

We sat on the couch and discussed some of the books I had on my bookshelf.  Then we kissed some more.  Things got hot and heavy – I take full blame for lighting the flames.  There was no sex as we have already discussed how we think that sex should special and have meaning and not be just this lustful urge.  I think that we both forgot about all that for a minute but we were able to recover before things got too far.  Misstep # 3: Let things get too hot, actually causing things to get too hot.

“Forget safety.  Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.   Be notorious.” ― Rumi

I am a bit mad with myself.  Why couldn’t I just let him take charge and steer this relationship? I doubt things would get as hot as it did.  It is all good as I mentioned no sex happened, but I just don’t like when I see myself trying to be so controlling and dictating everything.  Why do I have this need to be in charge?  Now I will never know how things would have unfolded if I had let him drive.  I skipped steps.

“Remember. The way you make love is the way God will be with you.” ― Rumi

But that is not the worst part!  Misstep # 4: In the middle of a kiss I stop and ask him if he is dating other people.  Now, why did I have to do that?  He should be dating other people; I should be dating other people.  This is only the third date!!

He said: no, are you?  I said no.  And with that I just shot myself on the foot! Who starts this type of conversation in the middle of kissing?  Why do I have to push people for answers, decisions, labels.  Why can’t I just let things flow, why can’t I let nature run its course?

Now I forced myself to not date anybody else otherwise I am going to be a liar. I plan on talking to him about that next chance I get.  Or perhaps I should leave things alone?

“Not only the thirsty seek the water, the water as well seeks the thirsty.” ― Rumi

I have not seen him since that date (Thursday), he was away at a wedding and returned this morning (Tuesday).  He has texted me that he is back and swamped trying to catch up at work.  He hasn’t asked me out  again yet.  I expect he will.

I am trying to control my impatience and impulsiveness – it is a constant struggle!  I need to stop trying to take the driver’s seat.  I blame my impatience, my hurry, my need to have answers, results, to be in people’s face, my need for reaction from people.

“Gamble everything for love, if you’re a true human being.” ― Rumi

And then I remember that I need to be nice to myself, not only that but I need to be myself.  I need to honor the beauty in the type of person I am.  I am beautifully flawed, but I am real.  So I err on the side of too honest, too curious, too Impulsive, but at the end of the day I am me.  I am not acting or playing games.  If someone is going to love me, they will have to get used to it sooner or later.

“Put your thoughts to sleep, do not let them cast a shadow over the moon of your heart.  Let go of thinking.” ― Rumi

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Impatient, grateful, loving and contemplating honesty!

11 Thursday Jun 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files

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“Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.” – ― Aristotle

1:00 pm. Right now I am defrosting my freezer with a hairdryer so that the official GE repairman can return to fix it.   What I really feel like doing is taking an ax to it and chopping it to pieces.

This day has been an exercise in patience… I keep failing all the patience tests that the Universe sends my way.  At this rate I will have to repeat this very same Life-cycle all over again.

I had taken the morning off from work to deal with the fridge, but it turned into a whole day affair.  I know stuff like this happens to teach me patience and the ability to deal with things that are out of my control.  Two other words come to mind:  Perspective and Gratitude.

I didn’t always have a fridge. I remember when my family finally had enough money to buy a fridge.  I was probably about 10 years old.  It was like it was Christmas and we had won the lottery.  Having ice cubes floating in a glass was magical.  It is good to remember that.  It is good to think not of the broken fridge but to remember that I am blessed enough to have a fridge to break in the first place.  Living in the US with all the comforts of the First World it is easy to take it all for granted.  Reminders are blessings!

“A grateful mindset can set you free from the prison of disempowerment and the shackles of misery.” ― Steve Maraboli

Problems need to be put into perspective and in their right place.  This is just a fridge and it is only money.  Okay, it is annoying and frustrating but it is not the end of the world.  Deal with it and move on.

6:00 pm.  Fridge Fixed.  The GE repairman charged $368.00 and changed 3 parts, including the one supposedly already changed.  The original repairman charged me $375.00.  He hasn’t returned my calls and hasn’t stopped by to return my money as he said he would (when the fridge broke again I called him and he said he wanted to come to repair it, I said I wanted my money back instead.  He said no problem, but never followed through on that)

At this point I will probably see him again in Small Claims court.  It is now a matter of principal.

“Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners” ― Laurence Sterne

***

On another front, I am taking tomorrow off and embarking on a long weekend with Ex’s mother.

For her birthday she wanted to see Bette Midler.  The Divine Miss M. is playing at Mohegan Sun Casino.  Since I have free rooms at Foxwoods Casino (just 15 minutes away from Mohegan Sun) I decided to make a whole weekend out of it.

When I tell people I am still in touch with his mother they frown.  People don’t understand why I didn’t leave the entire past behind.  Here is my thinking: Not having a relationship with him anymore didn’t make me stop caring for her.  I am able to separate things and at this point she realizes there is no turning back so she has quit making allusions to it.

I made a conscious decision long ago not to blame the mother for the sins of the son.  I choose to love freely and not link one person to the other.

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” ― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

****

Preview – my next post will be a hard one, and perhaps my posting this little blurb about it will force me to actually write it. It will be hard because I will have to admit  to you certain things that I don’t want to admit to myself.  But, once again, what is the point of this blog if not for me to be totally me, honest and raw.  Totally childish, totally needy, totally grateful, totally sinful, totally blissful and totally wrong some times.  At the end of the day I want to own my life.  I want to take ownership of my mistakes, I want to learn from them, but above all I want to be able to make them if that is what I want to do at the moment. You reader are my friend and as such you deserve honesty.  Then you shall have it.

I am not sure if I am looking for acceptance or if I want you to take me by my shoulders and shake me up and make me come back to my senses.

I think I am looking to confront myself and make you the audience.

“It’s discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.” ― Noël Coward, Blithe Spirit

 

The need for friends…

13 Sunday Jul 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“A friend is a gift you give yourself.” ― Robert Louis Stevenson

I NEED FRIENDS!!  This is very hard for me to write.  I pride myself in being independent and not needing anybody for anything.  I have learned a long time ago that if I want to do something I should go ahead and do it and not wait for anyone.  Waiting for others always led me to nothing and nowhere.  So I always did everything alone, from taking vacations to taking classes.  But at this point in my life I have been noticing this empty space that only friends can occupy.

This fact became abundantly clear to me on 4th of July as I watched the fireworks from my balcony.  (I attempted to invite someone, but this person didn’t respond)  As a particular beautiful and big display appeared in the sky I felt the want/the need to share with someone the beauty of the moment.  At that moment I realized that my wanting was not for a boyfriend but just for a friend. I guess my perception (real or not) was that the fireworks could have been even more amazing had I shared it with someone.

Until now I suppose I never realized that huge void in my life.  God is my friend, my family is my friend, books are my friends, entertainment is my friend.  oh yeah, food is my friend.I never noticed anything anything missed, and when I did, I thought I missed a romantic relationship.

Do you know what I am talking about?  That person that you can meet on the spur of the moment and just spend time together and talk.  It doesn’t have to be deep conversations and confidence, it could just be laughs over the absurdities of life, or the latest gossip, or take a walk, go shopping, etc.

I guess the fact that my entire family lives in Brazil and I live alone in the US makes being friendless more noticeable.  One would think that because I have no family here I would have made tons of friends here, but instead, having no family here made me cultivate the dependence on only myself.

It may also be odd to you, if you read my post the other day where I thank God for the friends I have that I am now saying I have no friends.  The truth is I have great friends, but they are not available.  I NEED AVAILABLE FRIENDS!  The friends I currently have either live far (Brazil, Boston, etc) or they are too busy with their own lives.  They have commitments, family, work, other friends and all of a sudden I realize they have no time for me.

I love the friends I have, I feel blessed to have them in my life and I know that in an emergency they would come running (well, I hope :-). I also think I should make more of an effort to see them.  Perhaps I should be more pushy and let them make it clear that they don’t have time, instead of assuming that that is what the silence means.

I question now if it is better to have a few great friends that are not available or several no so great ones.

“A friend to kill time is a friend sublime.” ― Haruki Murakami, A Wild Sheep Chase

So how did I get here, 48 years old and no friends?  I am fully aware of who is the person to blame in all this: ME!  But I am a combination of my circumstances, environment, nurture,  personality, etc.  It is a combination of facts, starting in childhood.  Well, perhaps even before that, I guess it started in the womb.

  • I have an identical twin sister, so I was born with an immediate best friend, not needing any others
  • My mother instilled in us the need to be self-sufficient and not rely on others
  • Some of my Aries traits can work against me: stubborn, opinionated, honest to a fault, impatient. Always telling people exactly what you think is not always the best way to keep friends. Is a friend that want to hear lies instead of the honest truth a friend worth having?  Well, from my lonely couch at this moment I am going to say yes.
  • I relied on significant other’s friends and when those relationships failed, I made it easy on those friends by just leaving so they would not be put in the awkward position of having to choose sides
  • I always loved being alone, it always felt natural to me.  I guess I was always proud of the fact that I was never needy (that is why this post is extremely humbling and painful).
  • I was always focused in work, school and getting things done, results, leaving a minimal amount of time for friends.
  • Taking friends for granted and not really cultivating friendships. Letting silence reign instead of being the first to reach out.
  • A tendency to want people to go at my pace, and as I raced friends and potential friends fell by the wayside.
  • Nursing only a couple of friendships, instead of letting more people in.

I believe that focusing on the Shoulds, Coulds, Woulds now will not help, but being aware of how I got here will.

Please don’t feel sorry for me when you read this post.  There is nothing to be sorry about.  This is actually a huge opportunity. This is a great chance to open my life to others, to give more of me and to be accepting more of others. I love the fact that I realize that is not a man I am missing, but a person!

“We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend.” ― Robert Louis Stevenson

How great it would be if I could meet my readers and fellow bloggers?  I have gained so much support, motivation and understanding from you all that I consider you a great friend.   Why couldn’t you all just live right here in NY, more specifically South Westchester?

So now I am embarking on this new friend finding mission I am setting on a course of finding new friends.  I am looking into Meetup, book clubs, physical activities, etc.  I will keep you informed of my progress or lack of it.

“Did you ever dream you had a friend, Alec? Someone to last your whole life and you his. I suppose such a thing can’t really happen outside sleep.” ― E.M. Forster, Maurice

ps.  Brazil lost again.  This time I was emotionless. I expected it. We needed a wake up call, and nothing like losing twice in a row in spectacular fashion in our own backyard to cement the idea we need a change. This was epic record breaking losses. We cannot afford to ignore it.  I predict that with great failure there will be great rewards.

“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.” ― Truman Capote

pps. guess what? I just got an invitation to go out and perhaps do some dancing.  I was tempted to say no, it is late (almost 10, and I hate last minute date invitations) and my hair is dirty, but I don’t have to work tomorrow and I happen to have shampoo and water :-), so I am going out of my comfort zone and will meet this guy.

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

02 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.” ― André Malraux

If I meet another man that has lied about his age or height in his online dating profile I am going to scream and pull my hair out. ARGHHHHHHHHHHH, just picture me screaming and pulling my hair out… yes I just met another one!!

This guy listed his age as 43 years old.  But his picture betrayed him.  He was sporting a full head of completely white hair. I thought by his picture he was at least 55.  He sent me a message and we started chatting. After a few back and forth messages I asked him how old he was.  He said 52.  He said it in a way that it seemed very matter of fact.  There was no explanation, no apology, no reason given for that discrepancy between the profile and reality.

Has this become the norm? I thought it was kind of expected for a woman to shave a few years off of her age, but a man?  and almost 10 years? It doesn’t seem very manly to me!

“Oh, what a tangled web we weave…when first we practice to deceive.”  ― Walter Scott

He is not the first liar I have encountered and I am sure he will not be the last.  Some of the guys have acted embarrassed and apologetic about this lie.  Most have a problem with my calling it a lie.   They try to explain it as this being a necessity since they think they look younger for their age.  Well, I hate to break it to them, they don’t!

Others say that they were being contacted by women that were very old so they put a younger age for searching purposes.  Well, that is equally bad, since it tells me they want to be contacted by much younger women instead of women their own age.

Most stress the fact that this is a matter of marketing.  I believe in marketing and I know that online dating involves some of it. We have to make ourselves look good so that we get contacted by potential mates.  I forgive some embellishing, but shaving almost 10 years and sometimes more from your age is not creative marketing, to me it is deceptive advertisement.  I think that there are laws against it.  I guess Buyer Beware is the Modus Operandi when it comes to online dating.

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

I do approach my online profile as advertisement because that is what it is.  I do try to put my best foot forward and show my best features, but everything in there is real, including my age, height and body type.  I used to have my body type listed as Average, but I have changed it to Extra Few Pounds.   I want to lose anywhere from 10 to 20 pounds so that to me makes my body type a Few Extra Pounds.  I want to be told the whole truth and decide for myself and  feel that someone contacting me should have the same right.

It is all a matter of perception! Just this perception of a lie is enough to turn me off.  I want a real man!! Real about his age, real about his height.  If you think I am going to meet you and fall in love and forget that you shaved many years from your age and many inches from your height, you are totally clueless.

Being older and shorter than me are not grounds for me to disqualify you from my search, but lying about it is!  If you are lying about your age, what else are you lying about? Would I ever be able to trust you?  What else are you willing to fudge about?

So, is it marketing or deception?

Because something has become a norm, an acceptable practice, it doesn’t make it right and it doesn’t make me have to accept it.

Since I have changed my profile from Average to Extra Few Pounds I have been getting 90% less messages.   My pictures are there the same way they were before, so I find it funny that a simple label has made such a difference.  But that is just fine with me.  I believe in quality and not quantity. If a guy cannot accept my extra few pounds then he is not the guy for me any way.

 “Seldom, very seldom, does complete truth belong to any human disclosure; seldom can it happen that something is not a little disguised or a little mistaken.” ― Jane Austen

When is a lie a lie?

12 Wednesday Mar 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“When truth is replaced by silence,the silence is a lie.” – ― Yevgeny Yevtushenko

The last few days I have been wrestling with that question:  When is a lie a lie?

To me there is really no gray area.  If someone withholds the truth then he/she is lying.  Not only it is a lie, but it is also an enormous lack of respect.  Does the person think I am not deserving of the truth?  Or perhaps he/she thinks I cannot handle the truth?

But upon further thinking, I have fudged the truth in the past to protect the innocent or not to worry someone needlessly, such as when my mother asks me if everything is fine and even though all is not well I tell her it is because I know she will go insane with worry.

But when even before getting to know someone the person hides the truth makes me feel weird. It seems we are starting with a lie.  What else is he hiding?  Let me explain:

I went on a date with someone on Friday night.  His age on his profile was listed at 51.   In reality he is turning 62 in 2 months.

We hadn’t spoken on the phone before meeting but we had exchanged many emails so I feel he had plenty of chance to come clean and he didn’t.  He could have told me when we first met, again he did not.  He only told me when I asked.  I am not even sure why I asked, because he doesn’t look that age.

“One lie has the power to tarnish a thousand truths.” ― Al David

Many people shave a few years off of their age in their profiles.  Some say they do that because they look and feel younger for their age.  Others say they put in the wrong date originally and then they cannot change it.  Whatever the excuse maybe,  to me it is just that, an excuse.

With all that being said I am going to dinner with him again tonight!

I would normally dismiss him for that reason alone but I am trying to be more open-minded and not too judgmental of people.  I also think that people deserve a second changed, so I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.   I would hate for somebody to dismiss me for some stupid reason and not give me a second chance.

Also I had a great time on the date.  He was a gentleman and it felt like I was having dinner with an old friend.

But, there is always a “but”, can I get over the fact that he hid that little detail from me.  At this point I question if he is hiding anything else.  Can I ever trust him?

Am I making a big deal of it and trying, again, to sabotage a potential relationship.

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” – ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Now the other, and perhaps, more important question is, am I going to be okay with the age difference?  I am going to be 48 at the end of the month but I do look much younger.  I usually say that I am 47, look like I am 37, act like I am 27 and feel like 17.

But really, is age just a number?

Can I handle the age difference?  He doesn’t look or act like he is older than me. The funny thing is that the last person I briefly dated, actually dated is not the right word, we went out several times but decided that being friends was a better idea, well he is 32.

It is just funny to go from 32 to 62 – wow, it sounds ridiculous even to me!!!  I need to find someone my own age!!

Also one think I crave in a man is confidence! Lying about age sounds like insecurity.  Perhaps I find more acceptable for a woman to lie about her age than for men to do it.

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”- ― Lucille Ball

He didn’t call and I didn’t fall to pieces!

19 Tuesday Nov 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“How would your life be different if…You stopped making negative judgmental assumptions about people you encounter? Let today be the day…You look for the good in everyone you meet and respect their journey.” 
― Steve Maraboli

He didn’t call! I cannot say I am shocked, but I am surprised and yet I knew it in my heart.  It is hard to explain, I had this instinct, this gut feeling that he would not call but at the same time how could he not after the great time we had?  So there was this little trace of hope, but as the one week mark approaches that hope has vanished.

This dating thing is odd.  Well, I guess people are odd.  (“Don’t blame the game blame the player”) Some guys will call right away asking for another date when it was clear that there was zero chemistry, and then there are the dates where the sparks were flying all over the place and the guy never calls.

In the past I asked a guy that I dated, well dated is a loose word, because I made sure to tell him that I accepted to go out as friends and he said he was okay with that. So I asked him why he continued to pursue me when it was clear I had zero interest in him romantically and he said, and I quote: “I thought I could change your mind”.  Then I asked one guy why he disappeared after a few great dates and he said, and again, I quote: “I think you are still in love with your ex-boyfriend”.

“The truest form of love is how you behave toward someone, not how you feel about them.” 
― Steve Hall

People have their reasons for doing things. I don’t have a problem with that.  I have a problem with the delivery, the lack of respect in the way things are done. To just disappear?  Perhaps that is an acceptable dating behavior, but to me just screams of cowardice and lack of respect!

I am proud to say that I will not be calling him and asking him what happened.  I don’t care! I no longer need closure for this type of things because I no longer allow my heart to get involved that early in the game.  Genius solution: no heart, no pain!

It was just a date, and I am learning to lighten up.  (“learning” being the key here, I still take things way too seriously, and expect the best of people)

 “Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners” 
― Laurence Sterne

At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter the reason why someone chooses to do or not do something.  What matters is how I conduct myself.  What matters is that I am honest and upfront with everyone.  I am only responsible for my actions.

I could come up with 300 reasons/excuses why he didn’t call, but at the day the truth is: “He is just not that into me”.

When a man wants something he goes after it, he will move mountains if he has to.  Nothing will prevent him for getting what he wants.  Well, at least that is the man I want.  I don’t want the insecure and fearful.  I want the brave!

I don’t want to judge (and yet this is what this post turned out to be about), but I appreciate honesty.   I appreciate the man that does not just disappear, that all of a sudden stops calling and e-mailing and you are left to wonder what happened.  I appreciate the man that steps up to the plate and tells me why he no longer wants to talk to me.  I guess I still have a lot to learn.  “The Four Agreements” just came to mind.

“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.” 
― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

So many lessons…

 I still would not have changed a single thing about the date.  Well, perhaps I would have made sure to get an extra kiss!

Next!

****

“Trying and getting hurt can’t possibly be worse for you than being… stuck.” 
― Eliezer Yudkowsky,

I have just been invited to the Kanye West concert at Madison Square Garden this Saturday.  I said yes, but I am not sure if it will work out or not.  I have never met this person or spoke with him on the phone, but I figure that I will be safe at a concert.  We still have to talk on the phone and iron details out and between now and Saturday a lot can happen …

This person is not the type of person I have been going on dates with lately – in all senses.  But perhaps there lies the magic.

I am not willing to discount someone because of appearances, because of their profession or lack of formal education.  I want to decide on integrity, respect, morals, and manners.  I care about actions, not words.  I don’t care where someone has been; I care about where they are going.

“In order to fly you have to create space in the open air so that your wings can really spread out. It’s like a parachute. They only work from a high altitude. To fly you have to begin taking risks. If you don’t want to, maybe the best thing is just to give up, and keep walking forever.” 
― Jorge Bucay,

***

“I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.” 
― Charlotte Brontë

But here are the real big questions occupying my mind lately:

1)      What am I going to do for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years?  I don’t have family here in the US and I don’t normally fly to Brazil on holidays.  I used to go on Thanksgiving just to take advantage of the extra off days, but it hasn’t worked out the last few years.  I don’t mind spending alone (read: alone, not lonely), but alone doing something fun and exciting is much better.

Perhaps there is a soup kitchen somewhere…but I have always been told they have enough volunteers.  I am kind of sick of trying to volunteer, unfortunately!

“Christmas is our annual reminder to look up – pondering celestial stars, to look out – serving those in need, and to look down – glorifying our Lord in humble prayer.” 
― Richelle E. Goodrich

2)      Where and when am I going skiing?  I know I am going alone, but I can’t seem to decide on a date and location.  I wanted to go to Whistler, BC for Christmas but I am just not sure.   I welcome ideas for mountains that are beginner and single friendly.

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.” 
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

Moving on and on and on ….

14 Sunday Apr 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I should be writing about my visit to Brazil.  It was amazing as it always is, but today I have something else in my heart I want to write about.  Something in my heart that I need to do.

I have been dating, well dating implies it is going somewhere, so perhaps “seeing” is a better word, so I have been seeing a younger man for the past 8 months knowing fully well that it would not be a lasting thing. Yet I embarked on this new experience with all my heart, truth and honesty.

I knew that I was using him to replace Ex and all his memories. Using has a bad connotation, but it is the truth. It worked! I no longer miss Ex. I still have moments of missing what I had, but it is different now. There is no crying now. Ex feels like the past, and even the sadness of what could have been is gone.  It was what it was and for having lived it I am grateful.

Being with someone to replace somebody else sounds like a recipe for disaster. Am I playing with fire going out with someone thinking I wasn’t going to get emotionally attached? no doubt! Not even I believed it when I proclaimed my total control of the situation.  I get emotionally attached to my toothpaste, am I not going to get emotionally attached to someone that is kind, funny and which company I enjoy?

We both agree that this is not a serious thing and that as long as we are honest with each other things will work out. We know we are not for each other.  The age difference is not the whole problem. We are at very different stages in life and looking for different things.  But we enjoy each other’s company.

I knew the day would come when we would go our separate ways.  I am thinking that perhaps today is the day.  The day to resolve things before I get really emotionally attached.  To continue seeing him knowing it is not going anywhere has now begun to feel like a disservice to me and to what I want in my life.  And to him also. And perhaps to all my prospective dates… and his.

The timing is perfect.  I have re-joined e-harmony and have even gone on a couple of dates.  But all of a sudden finding someone it is not important anymore. I am enjoying being alone more and more. There is no hurry anymore.

I like this moment in my life, where I feel in absolute control of my feelings and life has this incredible taste of surprise.  It seems fitting to put an end to a situation that no longer fits seems fitting.

So, good bye AL!.  I am grateful for the time we have spent together.  I am grateful for the part you have played in mending my broken heart.  I am happy that we both agree that just friends is the way to go. It was amazing fun while it lasted.

I am so excited for myself, for getting stronger and stronger and for this life that keeps getting better and better!

 

Heart, heart… what are you saying?

08 Sunday Jul 2012

Posted by in Dating, Finding Me

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I am sitting here trying to finish a post about my finances, but my mind is some place else.  I am thinking of how I have been in dealing with my emotions and expectations lately.  Expectations is, by the way, a word that I would like to remove from my vocabulary.

So the post about finances will have to wait (along with the check to the IRS)

I have been taking baby steps in the right direction in dealing with my emotions and expectations.  I have a long, long way to go, but these small improvements have me believing that I can get there.  There being a place where I can freely love without a single expectation.  Love for the sake of love alone!! There being a place that I know that what I feel is love for the other person, not lust, not wanting and needing to be touched only.

This has been a very hard post to write. It is hard for me admit that perhaps I shouldn’t completely and blindly listen to my heart.

I pride myself in being honest and telling it like it is. So the moment that I have feelings for someone, and for the sake of this post I am only talking about romantic relationships, I put it all out there.  I never learned how to play the dating game. I never learned how to be coy, how to play hard to get, how to go slow.  There are no mysteries with me, no guessing games. If I like someone I tell them. I bare myself and my soul.

… and then it is up to the other person to deal with me and my bluntness and all my expectations.

I will never say honesty is a problem, honesty to me is always the solution.  But there is such a thing as too much too soon and it comes with a price.  That price is rejection and pain, with perhaps the highest price being the never blossoming of a lasting love. There is also the issue of not knowing if my feelings are real or just an illusion of the love I want so bad in my life.

Problem 1: Recognizing feelings for what they are. Is it love or something else?

Baby step solution: Admitting I have a problem distinguishing my feelings. Admitting the possibility that not all my loving feelings are real love. 

So until I learn how to tell my feelings apart  (which I cannot begin to guess how to do that) I am going to deal with my impulsive actions in regards to those feelings. I have been speaking and acting with haste and without a conscious thought my entire life.   It is not only okay, but wise, to slow down and wait to see if the feelings I am feeling will remain and grow or just go away.  I can still be honest with myself and my feelings, but I just need to exercise a little caution. I should err on the side of slowness.

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.”  ― Thich Nhat Hanh

Admitting I may have a problem happened with the help of, not only, pain and reflection, but also of a friend.  He has been helping me to see that blindly following my heart and emotions may feel amazing in the beginning but it can lead to heartache.  The irony is that he is my current object of affection, attention and constant daydreaming. While I have been trying to convince him to just act on impulse he has been trying to reign me in,  trying to get me to slow down.

It is not easy for me to accept people’s help and guidance. It is not easy for me to admit that I cannot figure it all out alone.  This friend has been a blessing.  He has put up with tears and bad jokes.  He has been standing his ground as I try to, time and time again, seduce him.  In the past I would have moved on from him, but this time I want to stick around and see what the future holds. This time I am able to see the value in the friendship and not think of the romance alone.  Perhaps I am stronger and wiser, perhaps I see in him the teachings I need.  Perhaps I am ready to admit my shortcomings and make changes. Perhaps I see that his heart is in as much pain as mine. Perhaps I am just old and tired! 🙂

Problem # 2: Impulsiveness.  Reacting on every feeling, real or not.

Baby step solution: Trying to sit with the feeling before reacting. Trying do engage my mind into the equation.  Trying being the key word here.

My impulsiveness has caused me to just blurt out what my heart is thinking as soon as I think it.  I say whatever comes to mind to anyone, at any time, in any circumstance.  Some times people think I am funny, sometimes they think I am a breath of fresh air, but most times I am just too straightforward to some, too shocking. I jump in head first in a relationship just because it feels right.  Just because my heart told me so.

There is no thought in my actions.  There is impulse and reaction.  There is really no time for anything else.  So the key has been trying to slow things down enough to have my mind in the mix.

“Let the first impulse pass, wait for the second.” Baltasar Gracian

Text and e-mails were sent out of the blue just because.  That modus operandi lead to disappointment and unnecessary grief many many times and lead to relationships ending before they started. I think I have scared men.

In the past an example of my pattern would go something like this: I hear my heart talking about some feeling for someone and if I felt reciprocated I would go in overdrive mode. I would sent texts and emails and not be shy about talking about my feelings.  I would feel amazing about it… for about a second. Then reality would set in and I would be maniacally waiting for a reply that sometimes never came.

My impulsiveness is never alone, it is always accompanied by its sister expectations.

Problem #3: Controlling my expectations. Always expecting acceptance and love in return.

Baby step solution: Considering the consequences of each action and the potential result.  Trying to understand my expectations and letting them go.  Enjoying the feeling of an action without an expectation and building on that feeling.

When I didn’t get a response to my e-mails or text, or when the person somehow didn’t live up to my expectations, I would blame and admonish myself for my haste and I would blame the other person for giving me those feelings and then backing away.  I never understood why wasn’t the person seeing the genuineness of my words and actions.  Why wasn’t the person honored by my attention and affection?

In the past everything I did had expectations attached to them.  Everything! No one could win with so much expected from them.  It was like I was always setting the other person up to fail, and they eventually did.

In the last couple of weeks I have come up with and have put in a practice a 1 minute rule to deal with my e-mailing and texting. When I write a text or an e-mail I force myself to go away from it for 1 minute.  In that minute I answer the following question: Will I be okay if I don’t get a reply, or if the reply is not positive?  If my answer is yes then I hit send, if the answer is no or maybe than I save it and revisit it later or just go ahead and deleted it.

It has been amazing what this one little change has done.  It has freed me.  I continue to send emails and texts that are perhaps a little too forward, but they go off into the sunset on their own, with no expectations attached. I hit send and forget it.  I no longer keep checking my phone looking for a reply.  The truth is I still over share, but I no longer put any burden on the other person to reciprocate.  Some times I get responses back and some times I get silences and I am okay with both because my goal has changed. The goal is to honor that feeling at that moment and not to get anything back.

Now, phone calls and in-person are another story.  As far as those I am trying to speak slow and to actually hear the other person out. Slowing down seems to be the way to go for me in all senses.

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”  ― Donald Miller

I have faith that I am going in the right direction.  I know I am not betraying my heart, even though it feels a little like that, but I am helping my heart make informed decisions. Impulsiveness is me, but it doesn’t have to be the whole me, it doesn’t have to define me. Expectations is a fact of life for me but I can learn to co-exist with it in peace.

Lastly, I know I have used the  word “change”, but I actually like the word “improving” better.  I don’t want to change myself, I want to improve myself! God has made me this way for a reason and I don’t want to change me. He also gave me tools, sometimes in the form of people, to guide me and help me to grow.  God has given me wisdom to see that I don’t have to cause myself unnecessary pain.   He has opened my eyes to see that I am no alone.

my friend is a cookie in a cookie jar that is way beyond my reach. If I go up on the counter to try to reach it I may fall and hurt myself. But sometimes all I want is a cookie and nothing else will do! sometimes scraped knees don’t seem too bad! 🙂

No to you and yes to me!

12 Saturday May 2012

Posted by in EX Files, Finding Me, Poetry

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It feels good saying no

and for the first time meaning it

not having even a second of doubt

 

Your invitation is insulting

it says nothing is changed

when nothing is the same

 

it feels good saying no

when just a week ago I would have said yes

It feels good saying no to you

and saying yes to me

 

when I said no to you, I said yes to:

Do I deserve honesty?

Do I deserve respect?

Do I deserve loyalty?

Do I value me?

Yes, yes, yes and yes

 

When I said no to you.

I said yes to me!!

oh Pleeease!!! Your love is worthless

03 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in EX Files, Finding Me

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so Ex has sent me a couple of texts, saying that I looked sexy last time he saw me and trying to invite himself over, to which I told him the truth, which he doesn’t really deserve, but telling the truth is how I choose to live, here is my e-mail reply:

“I am hurting (well, you know that), still crying over the loss of “us” every single day

 I looked the other way so many times, with D. I pretended it was not happening, but celebrating anniversaries with M. was just the nail on my coffin

 I can’t understand what have I done to deserve this from you

 Right now praying every day to preserve our friendship and the love that I still feel for you and that you never had for me”

Here is his reply:

“I love you very much

 Always have, always will

 I know that we reached a point that I was unable to be the person you wanted me to be

 Perhaps at some point I may be able to

 You can and do think a lot of things, but never think that you are not loved and though about every single day of my life, many times”

Can you believe this reply?  I guess that worst than a person lying to others is a person that lies to himself. Is either that or he is a total psychopath.

So I am not even bothering replying anything at this point, because, obviously he wouldn’t know truth and honesty if came up and bit him in the face, but let me just point out the obvious on his reply:

He says he loves me very much.  Words are cheap and easy.  His actions do not demonstrate that.

He says that he was not the person I wanted him to be. Amazing how he turns it around like I was the one unhappy one and the one with problems. But I guess in a way he is right, I wanted a man I could trust.  I wanted an honest man, that would be faithful, and that would think that I alone was good enough for him. I wanted a man that could keep it in his pants.

He says: perhaps at some point I will be able to (be the person I want him to be).  Sorry that ship has sailed.  After trying, trying and trying some more, I had to face the truth that he just doesn’t want me. But it is really clever how he tries to keep me going with promises of a future. How he keeps dangling the carrot in front of me.  Sorry, that carrot is no longer appealing.

He says: that I can think of many things except that I am not loved and thought about daily.  Funny freaking way of showing his love.  Lets count the ways: 1)by having all sorts of women coming to the house, 2)taking all sorts of women on dates, 3)by lying to my face many times, including saying that he wanted to be alone to focus on his business and children, 4)by saying that he was not doing anything for me, with me on Valentine’s Day because he didn’t want to send me the wrong message, 5)celebrating anniversaries with at least 1 woman, yep on the 22nd of May it will be 2 happy months with M., and so many other ways the loves and thinks of me daily, but I will not bore you with anymore details.

YES, HE REALLY LOVES ME!!!

please remind me: why am still trying to preserve a friendship with him??