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The Burial

18 Monday Jun 2012

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

betrayal, break-up, Dating, hurt, love, moving on, Pain, relationships

This is about my final (I hope) meeting with Ex. I know in my heart that I will eventually be friends with him, but for now I just need and want distance and peace!

Before the meeting:

I am anxious and scared! Am I scared that I will end up in bed with him like every meeting before? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

I am scared that I will get emotional looking at him and thinking about what we had.

I am scared that  I will bombard him with questions about things that no longer matter, such as the new girl in his life. It doesn’t really matter if the new girl is tall or short, young or old.   What is the point of wanting to know those details?

I don’t want to list all he has done wrong.    He knows what he did! And having him, once again not acknowledging my pain and his role in it it will just hurt me further.  (and yet I know that I am responsible for my feelings and reactions and that he cannot cause me pain if I don’t let him)

One thing is for sure, it does feels amazing though to be over him!  It feels powerful to not care what he thinks of me anymore.  It feels incredible that he doesn’t hold my heart in his hands anymore!

So today there are no preparations for his arrival.  There is no hair done, nails, waxing.  There is no incense burning, there is not special dress or lingerie.

I can’t wait until this is over.  This is similar to the feeling I feel right before I need to go in for another dental surgery.  I am sitting in the waiting room listening to the sound of the drill coming from another room knowing that I am next. Feeling the pain before the pain.

***

After

I am an emotional wreck! Amazing that I am here writing, but thanks to divine intervention I didn’t curl up and die, I washed my face and snapped out of it!

The moment that I closed the door on him leaving, the moment that I closed the door to my past, the phone beeps.  It is a friend texting and in a way it is future calling.  It is God telling me to look forward and stop looking back!  And I hear it loud and clear.

But let me back up and give you a summary of the evening.

I met Ex in the front of my building and he hugged me hello.  It was awkward and I felt absolutely nothing!  I thought I would cringe at his touch, but I didn’t, but at the same time I didn’t feel like staying in his arms.  I am grateful that he didn’t go for a kiss hello.

We went to one of the Mexican Restaurants in the neighborhood.

I am already crying.  I am  crying from the second I saw him! I am one of those people that cry at any funeral, even if I don’t know the deceased. And in a way this is a funeral. I am attending the funeral of a fairy tale that has died a long time ago but it never got a proper burial until today.

We sit at the restaurant and I realize that I don’t know how to act. I can’t speak, I stutter.  I play with the napkin and utensils.  I am grateful he sat next to me and not accross from me so that I don’t have to look at him.

But love is a beautiful thing! I still think about his feelings, and I don’t feel like hurting him, and I know that my silence would. So, summing up a strength that I didn’t think I had, I start talking like I would talk to a friend. I tell him about my tennis lessons and my Pilates sessions.  He tells me about his businesses and volunteer work.  We manage to get through dinner and even have a few laughs.

We walk to my place because we have to finalize some paperwork, after all that is the reason he came here in the first place.  In 30 minutes we are done with the paperwork. But of course it would be too simple if that was the end of it!

He makes the mistake of inviting me to a couple of big events that are coming up that we used to attend together, and also another one that is an once in a lifetime thing that I have been dying to attend.  And that is when I can no longer hold it in.

I let it all flow, tears and words. I say all that I have inside. I talk about the hurt, the betrayal, I talk about the things I know for a fact he did, I talk about my disbelief that  he would throw a beautiful story away.

Everything that I didn’t want to ask about, I ask. Everything I didn’t want to mention, I do.

Through it all he remains mostly quiet, speaking up a few times to defend himself and to say that he didn’t know where I was getting my information from.  He mentions loving more than I would ever know. He once again says that timing for us is not right, he has to focus on his business and children.  He says he is not really dating, but seeing the girl once in awhile and spending most of his time alone, as if that somehow is supposed to makes things ok, as if that makes any sense.

I tell him not to invite me to anything and stop pretending that we are still a couple. I tell him to stop playing with my feelings and hurting me.

I was not planning on falling apart, but we all know that things don’t normally go according to plan. I don’t regret anything I said.  I also know that he didn’t really hear all I said.  He is not ready to hear and understand and acknowledge what he has done.

At the end he cried also, but I cannot tell you if there was any truth in those tears.  I would like to believe that he did have feelings for me and that he also mourns the end of our story. But I just don’t know. And I am happy to say I don’t care!

At one point he hugged me and kissed me on top of my head.  And I let him.  We stayed like that for a couple of minutes.  And then it was done.  I was ready to bury the pain, the hurt, the love, the good times, everything.

He says good night, I silently close the door! I am still crying, not from missing him or seeing him leave.  I am crying from exhaustion, from hurt, from anger, from love. My whole body aches. I think that is the feeling a marathon runner feels at the end of a race:  happy exhaustion!

At this point I am standing against the door that I just closed, unable to move. My phone beeps. It is text from a friend asking how I am. That is the beauty of life, the realization that I didn’t need to stay in that pain.  The beautiful feeling of having someone care and wonder how I was feeling.

His text and subsequent phone call were a sign from God.  His voice comes through the phone and into my ears as a hand passing over my hurt and slowly removing the dark pain.  Hearing his voice soothes me.  Hearing his voice brings me back to reality and out of the “poor me” state I was ready to drown myself in.

I realized that this perfectly timed text and phone call was God working in His mysterious way.   This person unknowingly provided me with the bridge from my past to my future.

I have learned what I needed to learn and I grateful for Ex for everything he has taught me – good and bad.  I am better than before I met him and for that I am thankful.  I am also thankful for him for helping me become the person I am today.

I have put the love and care that I have for him in a special place. I worry about him and pray that he finds contentment.

So now the past is buried and I am eager for my future, alone or with someone special.  I know God has a plan, so I have no need to worry or have any doubts.  I have always known that no matter what I am always going to be ok! And that knowledge is priceless!

Now as far as my heart goes, you can just call it Timex!

***

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/nicklachey/icanthateyouanymore.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UbWTBoh7G4

Thank you for reading and supporting me and sending me your love!

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oh Pleeease!!! Your love is worthless

03 Thursday May 2012

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in EX Files, Finding Me

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

betrayal, cheating, denial, honesty, lies, love

so Ex has sent me a couple of texts, saying that I looked sexy last time he saw me and trying to invite himself over, to which I told him the truth, which he doesn’t really deserve, but telling the truth is how I choose to live, here is my e-mail reply:

“I am hurting (well, you know that), still crying over the loss of “us” every single day

 I looked the other way so many times, with D. I pretended it was not happening, but celebrating anniversaries with M. was just the nail on my coffin

 I can’t understand what have I done to deserve this from you

 Right now praying every day to preserve our friendship and the love that I still feel for you and that you never had for me”

Here is his reply:

“I love you very much

 Always have, always will

 I know that we reached a point that I was unable to be the person you wanted me to be

 Perhaps at some point I may be able to

 You can and do think a lot of things, but never think that you are not loved and though about every single day of my life, many times”

Can you believe this reply?  I guess that worst than a person lying to others is a person that lies to himself. Is either that or he is a total psychopath.

So I am not even bothering replying anything at this point, because, obviously he wouldn’t know truth and honesty if came up and bit him in the face, but let me just point out the obvious on his reply:

He says he loves me very much.  Words are cheap and easy.  His actions do not demonstrate that.

He says that he was not the person I wanted him to be. Amazing how he turns it around like I was the one unhappy one and the one with problems. But I guess in a way he is right, I wanted a man I could trust.  I wanted an honest man, that would be faithful, and that would think that I alone was good enough for him. I wanted a man that could keep it in his pants.

He says: perhaps at some point I will be able to (be the person I want him to be).  Sorry that ship has sailed.  After trying, trying and trying some more, I had to face the truth that he just doesn’t want me. But it is really clever how he tries to keep me going with promises of a future. How he keeps dangling the carrot in front of me.  Sorry, that carrot is no longer appealing.

He says: that I can think of many things except that I am not loved and thought about daily.  Funny freaking way of showing his love.  Lets count the ways: 1)by having all sorts of women coming to the house, 2)taking all sorts of women on dates, 3)by lying to my face many times, including saying that he wanted to be alone to focus on his business and children, 4)by saying that he was not doing anything for me, with me on Valentine’s Day because he didn’t want to send me the wrong message, 5)celebrating anniversaries with at least 1 woman, yep on the 22nd of May it will be 2 happy months with M., and so many other ways the loves and thinks of me daily, but I will not bore you with anymore details.

YES, HE REALLY LOVES ME!!!

please remind me: why am still trying to preserve a friendship with him??

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So now I am mad!!

26 Thursday Apr 2012

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

betrayal, cheating

I just read in a Brazilian site about what this soccer player’s wife said about a husband cheating on his wife.

First the soccer player in question is Kaka, handsome, religious and rich.  She is a spoiled rich girl that got lucky in the husband department.

Any way she said and I am going to loosely translate from Portuguese: I would forgive a betrayal because wwhen the man betrays is a sign that the wife failed in some area. She was not giving what was necessary, and I don’t mean only sex. I speak of caring, dialogue, cumplicity. If Kaka betrays me it means I am doing something very wrong.

Her name is Carol Celico and supposedly they were both virgins when they got married.  Kudos for them, but not our real world.

I hope she does not go through a betrayal in the future, but I would like her to at least for a second feel what we, betrayed women, feel.  We do enough of second guessing on our own. We do question if we gave enough in all areas. We do look back and look for places where we could have been more caring, more attentive, more supportive, less critical, less demanding.

But guess what?

After all this guilt trip, after all this blame game, after all the clue collection and soul searching I realize that a man cheats because:

He was not man enough to voice his opinions, needs and wants.

He wasn’t honest enough to say that he no longer wanted a relationship.  

He thought he could get away with it.

The situation/opportunity presented himself.

He is having a mid-life crisis.

He wants to tell himself he still got it.

He is bored.

But I found the real truth.  A man (or woman) cheats because they are not happy with themselves.  If they were happy with themselves they would choose the honest path, they would communicate.  They would perhaps realize the value in their partner and how good they have at home before it is too late.

So, Carol Celico you are famous by virtue of your husband, please use this fame for some worthwhile causes. Do not use your soapbox to make woman feel guilty.  Do not add to their pain by making them feel it was their fault.  Their egos and self esteem are probably shattered by now, do not make it worst.

I know in my heart that I did my best and more than that in all areas, but sometimes no matter what you, no matter you can turn water into gold, some people will just lie to your face and cheat on your.  Their reasons, if they are able to come up with any, are not important.  the damaged is already done.  And lies and excuses just make it worst.

It would be refreshing to just hear: I lied and cheated and I don’t deserve you, please forgive me! 

Now that is what I wanted to hear, but I am sure some of you have heard that time after time, so if you do love yourself first and move on.

***

Do you agree with Carol Celico?

If not why do you think man cheat?

 

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