Tag Archives: Pain

Crying green and yellow tears…

08 Tuesday Jul 2014

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“When defeat comes, accept it as a signal that your plans are not sound, rebuild those plans, and set sail once more toward your coveted goal.” 
― Napoleon Hill

There are really no words in the dictionary to describe how painful this loss is to me and my country.  Something about futebol being like a religion to us.  My green and yellow heart cries in despair and confusion. How did this happen?

I sat totally motionless and emotionless staring at the TV while Brazil  totally fell apart right before my eyes.  It was hard for a moment to know how to feel.  How could this happen to us, the land of futebol?  We were playing at home and we wanted to re-write the past.  In 1950 the World Cup was played in Brazil and we lost the final to Uruguay.  This is not the happy ending we were dreaming of.  I vote for no more World Cups in Brazil 🙂

Truth is we didn’t have a winning team from the beginning.  I knew it was going to be hard against Germany,  but I hoped the passion and soul of the Brazilian people would carry the team through.  Passion alone didn’t help!

So we lost, but not really a simple loss, this was record breaking embarrassing loss!

Well, we now have another four years to lick our wounds and come back with a better plan and a better team.   There are lessons here for everyone from the players to the fans.  I still don’t know what they are, but pain always brings growth.

I don’t want, by any means, to take any credit away from Germany.  They played a great game and made Brazil look like a bunch of amateurs.  I take my hat off to them.  The German fans should be proud! (thinking of you Ute and Steffi, to name a couple German friends among readers and fellow bloggers)

To Brazil I give you my tears and the hope that the country will unite in sorrow and come out stronger and better for it! It was not just a game!

“But man is not made for defeat,” he said. “A man can be destroyed but not defeated. ” ― Ernest Hemingway

ps. thanks Heaven for humor!  My sister just relayed to me all the jokes that are being told in Brazil about this incredible embarrassment – now I am crying because I am laughing so hard.  There is hope when we can see the humor in it and move on.  I guess if we must lose just make it memorable. And we sure did!!  We broke a bunch of records.  And at least the loss was not to Argentina! 🙂

I guess the grieving process is not over :(

23 Sunday Jun 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite” 
― Cassandra Clare

I was talking to my sister the other day when she said that I was different after the break up with Ex.   I asked: Different how?  She said: Angrier!

I was shocked! I never expected that answer!  If anything I thought she would have said happier or more at peace, anything along those lines.  But angrier???

At first I was speechless.  For several seconds my mind went numb and I didn’t know what to think, then for another brief second, thoughts of asking for examples of such behavior came to mind.

When I actually recovered my ability to speak I went into defensive mode explaining how what had happened to me would change anyone.  I felt the need to explain how my disappointment was so intense and painful that my only defense was to change.  No more Miss Nice Girl! Of course she didn’t need to hear any of the excuses for my change, as you guys don’t need to hear all of the details on how hurt I was, as you have heard all of that before.

But, was I really angrier?  Any traumatizing event is certain to leave a mark.  This was the most traumatizing event of my life.  No, I have not lived a sheltered life.  I left Brazil at 17 with no English and no money.  I certainly had to grow up fast and had my share of bad times.  But even with everything that I have lived through in my life, with my father battling cancer and coming up triumphant as an example of a terribly difficult time, this break up was an event that I thought it would kill me.

I didn’t need to ask my sister for examples.  I knew she was right.

The aftershocks of this break up are still ongoing.  I had certainly hoped that all my changes would be for the better.  I never thought I would lash out and be angry towards the ones I love the most.  I thought the break up had proved my ability to forgive and to continue to love above all things.  I thought if anything I had became more forgiving of human imperfections.  I forgave Ex and understood the need to look inside myself and take some ownership of my role in the relationship.  I thought I had dealt with things and had moved on. 

“We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.” 
― Marcel Proust

But indeed I am angry!  I am angry at the Universe for showing me true love and then taking it away.  Why must you send me a man that treats me like a Princess for 3 years and then have that fairy tale just fall apart?  Why make me think that I was going to be with this man for the rest of my life and then make the rest of my life last only 3 years.  What now?  I don’t know who I am now.  How to fix a crystal vase?  You can’t!  You can try, but the imperfections are visible.  Those are all questions that I thought had already been put to rest and then all of a sudden they come to the surface again.

I am more impatient.  I want things done yesterday.  I am tougher on people closer to me.  I expect more, I expect people to proof themselves.  I thought I was just being an Aries, but instead was more than that, I am still dealing with hurt.

I am extremely tough on dates.  They have their work cut out for them.  It will not be easy getting into my heart anymore.  I guess I am being difficult with everyone to keep them away from me.  Perhaps my anger is my bullet proof vest .

It all gets back to Ex.  Why is that, 2 years after he still feel as fresh in my life as if it was yesterday?  No, I am not in love with him anymore, but I have come to the realization that I will love him forever.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” 
― Rumi

Ex is a scar in my body and my life and it is up to me to decide how I want to display that scar. Hide it as a shameful secret? Show it off as a badge of honor? Ignore it as a non-event? Or come to love it and accept as a natural life occurence?

I have instances when I want to talk to him and demand an apology.  In my mind, if I heard him accepting his mistakes and apologizing for them, then it would be okay for me to be friends with him.  I want to be okay to talk to him, but without an apology it feels too much like I am disrespecting myself.  We trade texts once in a blue moon on superficial matters.  At those times I catch myself caring about him and thinking of him as a friend.  I see myself wanting to share news with him.   When I catch myself I am terrified!  I quickly make a mental effort to remember all the lies and betrayals.  We are not friends, and can never be!  We share a past and that is it!  I am so afraid to let him back in my life!

Why is it so easy for me to be angry at others and yet to be angry at him it takes effort?

When I think I am over it all, that I am a better person for it, I realize I am an angrier person for it.  Back to the drawing board!! Back to trying to figure things out!  Back to trying to be whole again, and not just damaged goods!

I am so confused, and I am diving my heart crazy!  One second I tell it to just love!  Love all things, love the ones who love you, but above all, love the ones that hurt you even more.  And then I feel the need to remind it of what happens when you love, how vulnerable you become, and how you become a prey.

Yet I know better than to become this old angry woman!  I thank my sister for making me realize that I had made a wrong turn on the road to recovery.  I promise to be more watchful of my words and actions.  Hurting anyone with angry words is not what I wanted or intended.

“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it…” 
― Nicholas Sparks

I will continue to tell my heart to love above all things! But it is also okay to be a little guarded.  Navigating that fine line will be key!

This is a post that I never saw it coming, but it is here and now I have to deal with it!  I feel somewhat embarrassed for such a post, for such weakness, for all of a sudden feeling less of a poster girl in dealing with a breakup, for such unawareness about myself.   But what am I dealing with it here?  The true definition of love and forgiveness?  The different ways in which pain manifests itself? Just another stage in the grieving process?  Surviving the loss of love?  How I see myself versus how the word sees me? Inability to let go of the past? Lies we tell ourselves?

Final thought: Just love, love, love and when in doubt, love some more!

My life is a trip and a pain in my hip …

23 Tuesday Apr 2013

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It has been one week since I came back from Brazil and I am already itching to get back on a plane/road somewhere or at least to make plans to.  I was in the Finger Lakes region in January, Colorado in February, Brazil in April, I am ready to plan my next trip, even if it is for a one day getaway on a neighboring town.

I find that one of the best parts of going away is coming back. I always come back tired, but renewed and reenergized, full of ideas and goals.  This time back from Brazil it is no different.  I am full of energy, even if my hip is not willing to go along with the physical aspect of it.  It is exciting to think that there is so much I can do and accomplish it is all a matter of taking the first step and then continuing taking steps.

Mom is in town so I have been spoiled with home cooked meals, I have been over indulging in shopping and casino trips.  When my patience wears thin I remind myself that she is 78 yrs old.  Our major point of contention is the fact that she doesn’t stop. She is either cooking, cleaning, or painting and doing crafts. Right at this moment she is painting me a painting of Brazilian favelas (I will make sure to post the final product) after having done laundry, gone shopping and then she will make dinner and dessert. I guess there are worst things in the world than a mother that doesn’t stop, but the point of her visit here is for her to rest and she is not doing any of that!A bit

My hip has gone from bad to worst.  I am looking forward to seeing a Sports Medicine Orthopedic surgeon on Thursday.  I am hoping he will have answers for me or at least start on the way to answers.

I decided not to date while Mom is here and dedicate my non-working time to her.  It is amazing to me how some men that I didn’t even meet yet already have a problem with my lack of time in this period.  I guess that is a good weeding measure for me.  The right man will understand my limited time with my mom and wait.  With that being said I am having a lunch date today, since I am meeting during the day and not dipping into Mom’s time.  It so happens that a guy I met on e-harmony has an office 3 blocks from my office – what are the odds, right?

I am supposed to pick the place for lunch and now we have hit on one of my flaws (I hardly have any- lol).  I am incapable of making a decision when faced with too many choices on trivial matters.  The more trivial the subject the worst it is.  When facing important decisions I am quick and determined, but with stupid stuff such as a place to eat lunch I freeze. Gosh, it is only lunch! Am I worried what my choice will say about me? Am I afraid of picking an awful place?  I don’t know what it is, but with certain choices such as this I rather somebody else does it.

With important matters and facing problems I leap to action while little, unimportant things have me baffled  and worrying.  I wonder what does it say about me.

 

HIP HIP HOORAY!!!

21 Thursday Mar 2013

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Nothing like pain to stop someone on their tracks!

The pain on my right hip has gotten so bad that I decided to take February off from most of my physical activities to see if my hip would get better (or good enough to be able to ski in February) on its own.  Since then I have been doing only Pilates, although skipping some exercises.  That worked somewhat well since I was able to goes skiing at the end of February.  By 3 pm everyday my hip would remind me that skiing was coming for an end for the day.  Still I had so much fun and was grateful for being able to ski at all.

I have always felt that my right hip was not really right, but it never bothered me enough to go to a doctor.  But I would joke, every now and then, that I would eventually have a hip replacement (and every time I said I would cringe and admonish myself, and I don’t want to give the Universe any ideas).  Everythign changed for the worst when I started volunteering. I enjoyed the manual labor and the cleaning and clearing out stuff so much I overdid.  Cleaning it is kind of cathartic to me, I feel better and lighter after it, even if the stuff I am getting rid of is not mine – lol

So this nagging hip and shoulder pain has been around since the end of last year.  I stop the volunteering and hoped that that would do the trick, but I guess the damage was already done.  Now that it started to interfere with my life I realized it was time to seek help.

I went to a neurologist at the Hospital for Joint Diseases.  This doctor was very well recommended… well the number one recommended doctor didn’t take my insurance, so he was the next best 🙂 After a consultation and x-rays, the doctor calls me and tells me that the x-rays shows nothing wrong with my hip.

I didn’t know if I should be happy or sad with that news. I know something is wrong, I feel it, and the pain is hard to ignore.  The doctor thinks it is perhaps a soft tissue problem and recommended I go to one of his colleagues, a Sports Medicine Orthopedic Surgeon.

I have not made an appointment yet. I am scheduled to go to Brazil next week (yippie!), so I decided to deal with that when I return.  I am also thinking about going to a chiropractor first before going this doctor.

Hopefully resting my hip as I have been will continue to help.

This has been and will continue to be a tremendous exercise in patient and perseverance.  Patience with my body and staying the course after a stumble.

I was so happy with my physical activities and that  its results on my body.  I guess with that came the feeling of  strength and invincibility which normally shows itself when I am feeling mighty good about myself.  When I feel invincible I tend to overdo it and disrespect nature and myself. Then, this very patient teacher called Life steps in, and once again, attempts to teach me to listen and respect my body.

Life also uses this opportunity to test my patience and ability to persevere. Am I going to fall apart now and revert to couch potato sugar eating junkie?  Or am I just going to weather this storm and continue slowly but surely towards my goal of a life of moderation, equal parts of fun and hard-work?

I want my chocolate cake and eat it too! I want to do all in moderation and not feel I am depriving myself of anything.  I want to exercise, but also watch tv and eat a chocolate chip cookie.  To me it is dangerous to veer off too much to one side versus the other.

And speaking of cake, as I am turning 47 next week, the age factor is also weighing heavily on me. Can I still do everything I want to do (tennis, skiing, and a lot more new things) or am I just showing up too late for this party?

I don’t know what my body will be able to accomplish until I try it.  I am going to put age and pain aside and work smart and steady.  I am not going down without a fight!! 🙂

Be good to your hip!

The Burial

18 Monday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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This is about my final (I hope) meeting with Ex. I know in my heart that I will eventually be friends with him, but for now I just need and want distance and peace!

Before the meeting:

I am anxious and scared! Am I scared that I will end up in bed with him like every meeting before? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

I am scared that I will get emotional looking at him and thinking about what we had.

I am scared that  I will bombard him with questions about things that no longer matter, such as the new girl in his life. It doesn’t really matter if the new girl is tall or short, young or old.   What is the point of wanting to know those details?

I don’t want to list all he has done wrong.    He knows what he did! And having him, once again not acknowledging my pain and his role in it it will just hurt me further.  (and yet I know that I am responsible for my feelings and reactions and that he cannot cause me pain if I don’t let him)

One thing is for sure, it does feels amazing though to be over him!  It feels powerful to not care what he thinks of me anymore.  It feels incredible that he doesn’t hold my heart in his hands anymore!

So today there are no preparations for his arrival.  There is no hair done, nails, waxing.  There is no incense burning, there is not special dress or lingerie.

I can’t wait until this is over.  This is similar to the feeling I feel right before I need to go in for another dental surgery.  I am sitting in the waiting room listening to the sound of the drill coming from another room knowing that I am next. Feeling the pain before the pain.

***

After

I am an emotional wreck! Amazing that I am here writing, but thanks to divine intervention I didn’t curl up and die, I washed my face and snapped out of it!

The moment that I closed the door on him leaving, the moment that I closed the door to my past, the phone beeps.  It is a friend texting and in a way it is future calling.  It is God telling me to look forward and stop looking back!  And I hear it loud and clear.

But let me back up and give you a summary of the evening.

I met Ex in the front of my building and he hugged me hello.  It was awkward and I felt absolutely nothing!  I thought I would cringe at his touch, but I didn’t, but at the same time I didn’t feel like staying in his arms.  I am grateful that he didn’t go for a kiss hello.

We went to one of the Mexican Restaurants in the neighborhood.

I am already crying.  I am  crying from the second I saw him! I am one of those people that cry at any funeral, even if I don’t know the deceased. And in a way this is a funeral. I am attending the funeral of a fairy tale that has died a long time ago but it never got a proper burial until today.

We sit at the restaurant and I realize that I don’t know how to act. I can’t speak, I stutter.  I play with the napkin and utensils.  I am grateful he sat next to me and not accross from me so that I don’t have to look at him.

But love is a beautiful thing! I still think about his feelings, and I don’t feel like hurting him, and I know that my silence would. So, summing up a strength that I didn’t think I had, I start talking like I would talk to a friend. I tell him about my tennis lessons and my Pilates sessions.  He tells me about his businesses and volunteer work.  We manage to get through dinner and even have a few laughs.

We walk to my place because we have to finalize some paperwork, after all that is the reason he came here in the first place.  In 30 minutes we are done with the paperwork. But of course it would be too simple if that was the end of it!

He makes the mistake of inviting me to a couple of big events that are coming up that we used to attend together, and also another one that is an once in a lifetime thing that I have been dying to attend.  And that is when I can no longer hold it in.

I let it all flow, tears and words. I say all that I have inside. I talk about the hurt, the betrayal, I talk about the things I know for a fact he did, I talk about my disbelief that  he would throw a beautiful story away.

Everything that I didn’t want to ask about, I ask. Everything I didn’t want to mention, I do.

Through it all he remains mostly quiet, speaking up a few times to defend himself and to say that he didn’t know where I was getting my information from.  He mentions loving more than I would ever know. He once again says that timing for us is not right, he has to focus on his business and children.  He says he is not really dating, but seeing the girl once in awhile and spending most of his time alone, as if that somehow is supposed to makes things ok, as if that makes any sense.

I tell him not to invite me to anything and stop pretending that we are still a couple. I tell him to stop playing with my feelings and hurting me.

I was not planning on falling apart, but we all know that things don’t normally go according to plan. I don’t regret anything I said.  I also know that he didn’t really hear all I said.  He is not ready to hear and understand and acknowledge what he has done.

At the end he cried also, but I cannot tell you if there was any truth in those tears.  I would like to believe that he did have feelings for me and that he also mourns the end of our story. But I just don’t know. And I am happy to say I don’t care!

At one point he hugged me and kissed me on top of my head.  And I let him.  We stayed like that for a couple of minutes.  And then it was done.  I was ready to bury the pain, the hurt, the love, the good times, everything.

He says good night, I silently close the door! I am still crying, not from missing him or seeing him leave.  I am crying from exhaustion, from hurt, from anger, from love. My whole body aches. I think that is the feeling a marathon runner feels at the end of a race:  happy exhaustion!

At this point I am standing against the door that I just closed, unable to move. My phone beeps. It is text from a friend asking how I am. That is the beauty of life, the realization that I didn’t need to stay in that pain.  The beautiful feeling of having someone care and wonder how I was feeling.

His text and subsequent phone call were a sign from God.  His voice comes through the phone and into my ears as a hand passing over my hurt and slowly removing the dark pain.  Hearing his voice soothes me.  Hearing his voice brings me back to reality and out of the “poor me” state I was ready to drown myself in.

I realized that this perfectly timed text and phone call was God working in His mysterious way.   This person unknowingly provided me with the bridge from my past to my future.

I have learned what I needed to learn and I grateful for Ex for everything he has taught me – good and bad.  I am better than before I met him and for that I am thankful.  I am also thankful for him for helping me become the person I am today.

I have put the love and care that I have for him in a special place. I worry about him and pray that he finds contentment.

So now the past is buried and I am eager for my future, alone or with someone special.  I know God has a plan, so I have no need to worry or have any doubts.  I have always known that no matter what I am always going to be ok! And that knowledge is priceless!

Now as far as my heart goes, you can just call it Timex!

***

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/nicklachey/icanthateyouanymore.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UbWTBoh7G4

Thank you for reading and supporting me and sending me your love!

On days such as today

25 Wednesday Apr 2012

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On days such as today I wished for no feelings, I wished for a heart of stone.

I realized that all that Ex is doing has nothing to do with me.  It has to do with his own insecurities. So he is a lying cheating dog, the best part is I don’t have to put up with that.

I thought we could be friends but it is extremely hard to be friends with someone you don’t respect.

I don’t respect his lies, I don’t respect his disrespect, I don’t respect his farce. I don’t respect his ego the size of Texas.

Becoming 50 did something to him.  All of a sudden he craves attention and I wasn’t enough.  I know that it has been 7 months since we broke up but it is still incredibly hard to understand what happened.

What happened to a relationship that was fun, loving and hot, in and out of bed?

Ex has his good points, I guess as any human being does. I guess the only way I see to preserve the friendship is to hold on to those and to distance myself as much as I can.

I hope that I am granted the wisdom and discernment to learn the lessons of this phase of my life.

May God bless me today.  May God bless Ex today.  May God bless you all today.

Are you going through dramas of the heart now? Would love to hear all about it.  I need help …