Tag Archives: mother

Israel and back :-)

29 Wednesday Apr 2015

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The Jerusalem Cross

The Jerusalem Cross

I have returned from Israel a couple of days ago.  I have been trying to catch up at work while dealing with the jetlag…not fun!

The trip was incredible!  I had no expectations so everything turned out to be a welcomed surprise.  The richness and beauty of the country is overwhelming.  It will take awhile for everything to set it.

I have taken 1,000 pictures and it will take me a long time to work them in some kind of order and in an album as I was using both the phone and a camera.  Thanks to a selfie stick I was able to have tons of pictures of my mother and I together.

We went with a travel company called Gate1 and they were great.  We didn’t have to worry about anything.  The guide was very knowledgeable and provided so much information about the history, religions, geography and every other detail of the country that my head is still spinning trying to make sense of it all.

If I had one complaint it would be that it was too fast paced, but then again to be able to see and do everything we did in 7 days we had to go at full speed.

I am happy to report that my mother is doing incredibly well. It is amazing to see her recovery.  Two weeks ago when we came back from Brazil several people at the airport offered her a wheelchair as they could see she was not steady on her feet (of course she was too proud to accept it).  Two days ago when we arrived from Israel she was walking faster than I was.

I am still trying to absorb all we did and saw.  This tour was geared towards Christians, it was called “Journey of the Believer”, so anywhere Jesus went, we went.  I am more spiritual than religious, but I am able to appreciate the meaning and the enormity of being able to see and be in all those sites.  I am also able to realize how blessed I am to be able to experience this trip with my mother.  Three weeks ago we didn’t know if my mother would be able to travel to NY, now she has traveled here to NY and to Israel and back and she is doing fine, it is certainly a miracle in my eyes.

When things get under control at work I will be posting some pictures and more details about the trip, for now I am just saying hi and updating on my mother’s health.

Thank you all for the prayers and good wishes!  I continue to be extraordinarily blessed and grateful!

“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Dealing with illness and fears

16 Thursday Apr 2015

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“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

My mother and I have been back from Brazil for several days now.  My main focus, besides work, has been trying to get her mentally and physically healthier.

Approximately 3 weeks ago she went to a neuropsychiatrist after many years of my sister and I begging her to see someone regarding some baggage that she carries since she was a child.  Lately she had been extremely angry and short-tempered and realized on her own that she needed to do something about it.

She saw the doctor and they spoke for about an hour.  She came home happy and felt light after discussing things from her past.  Unfortunately when she woke up the next morning she was slurring her words and had trouble walking.  She was in a drunk-like state (My mother quit drinking when she was 25 years old because she realized it was going to become a problem, so we know she wasn’t drunk.  On May 1st she will be 80 years old)

“Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of ‘not knowing.” ― Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves

She refused to go to the emergency room or call the doctor, attributing the symptoms to the deep conversation they had the day before.  It is hard not to think that the 2 things are not related.  My brother is a nurse and he didn’t think she was suffering a stroke or something similar.  I need to note here that my brother will never go against my mother’s and father’s wish, even in a situation like this where my first instinct would be to take her to the emergency room.  I try to keep my interference to a minimum only trying to provide positive feedback and financial support.  I try not to be critical of my sister and brother.  I realize how easy it is for me to have all the right answers when I am so far away.  I am also extremely grateful of how much they do for my parents and the love and respect they give my parents.

Last week in Brazil all I did was cook and clean and make sure she was resting.  She had 2 different brain scans done last week.  The last scan showed: Signs of microangiopathy.  Some signs of thinning of the white matter were also observed (inferring ischemic leukoaraiosis).  That is all Greek to me and all my Google research has left my head spinning.  At any rate her doctor gave his okay for her to travel as long as she takes the medication prescribed (He said he doesn’t believe in canceling vacation because of illness and also thought a change in scenery would be good for her). He says her issues are due to age and also to diabetes and high blood pressure.  As soon as she returns she is scheduled for additional tests.

“Fear is the glue that keeps you stuck. Faith is the solvent that sets you free.”
― Shannon L. Alder

She was fine in the flight from Sao Paulo to New York, so I am hoping that means that she will also be fine in the flight from NY to Tel Aviv this Saturday, as the trip is still on schedule.  She is excited about it, but I am making sure that she knows that is also okay if she thinks it is too much for her.

My mother has always been a dynamo never sitting or slowing down throughout the day.  The amount of things she accomplishes in one day is incredible.  While I am proud to have such an energetic mother I also knew that that would be her down fall.  That makes watching her slowing down now much harder.

I am not allowing her to do anything on her own as I fear she could fall and hurt herself (on our first day in NY she fell in the tub, I took that as a warning).  She has had good days and bad days.  Today is a not so great day as she seems slower than usual.  It is hard to be at work and leave her at home alone but I also realize that I cannot make her feel like an invalid all of a sudden.

“If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to yourself, to who you are, here and now and when you get there, you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.” ― Masaru Emoto

She has started taking vitamins, eating more, healthier, and at regular intervals (her diet before was coffee, bread and more coffee).  She has been taking daily naps and doing no housework at all.  She is still doing her crafts (knitting, crocheting, and painting), also reading and some easy exercises.

I am hoping that this is just a warning sign for her to take it easy, relax and take better care of herself. Actually it is a warning sign for the entire family as we are all guilty of overdoing at the dessert table.  I am hoping that as the medication starts to work and combined with the new lifestyle and diet she will soon be brand new.

I know it is all in God’s hands and I am just trying to follow his guidance and respect his plan, but the idea of ever losing my mother has been unbelievably hard to deal with.  I am trying to ward off those thoughts that continue to invade my mind and steal my peace.

I thank you all for your support and prayers! You are a source of comfort and for that I feel blessed and I am extremely grateful!!

 “Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ― Lao Tzu

Still talking about Ex after all this time!

24 Thursday Apr 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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My feet in Brazilian soil with my favorite flower

My feet in Brazilian soil with my favorite flower

“You are the sky. Everything else – it’s just the weather.” ― Pema Chödrön

Between the NFA and the CFTC I am going crazy at work.  There are so many new regulations (aimed at banks) that non-banks like us need to comply with that is making so hard to continue to be in business.  The worst part is that, they themselves don’t seem to know what they want.  All these regulations are doing is putting small companies out of business.  We are still around, but it has not been easy.   It has been an exercise in calm and patience, breath in, breath out.  🙂

IN DIFFICULT MOMENTS, BEHAVE LIKE A DUCK…     Keep calm and unruffled on the surface, but keep paddling away underneath! (not sure who said it)

**

My Mom is in town, as I have mentioned, so I have shopped, gambled and ate in excess.  I have a whole new wardrobe, some extra pounds on my body and less dollars in my wallet, but I don’t care as long as Mom is happy!  The moment she leaves I am back to fish and brown rice, no casino and no shopping!

“To be happy, make others happy.” ― Stephen Richards

**

“As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.” ― Albert Einstein

Life progresses…there are moments of internal unrest…an uneasy feeling, something off, something missing.  I see those moments as a wake-up call.  They tell me that there are a lot more learning and growing to do.  Comfort creates complacency.  Nothing great has been created out of people being too comfortable in their situations.   I confess:  I get lazy.  I, like we all, have so much potential, and yet some days it is just easier to sit on the couch and watch lives being lived, instead of getting out there and living my own life.

At these turbulent times I try to be as active as I can, physically and mentally.  Accomplishing things makes me feel motivated to accomplish even more.   I also stop and reflect on how blessed I am in all aspects of my life.  Focusing on the good is a wonderful way to feel centered and in control of my life.

Control!  At the end of the day I think it all boils down to that for me.

Perhaps, at this moment, this internal unrest is called PMS and it sucks!! L

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. 
…live in the question.”  ― Rainer Maria Rilke

***

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” ― Steve Maraboli

Now getting to the real topic: my writing about the not so ex Ex!

I fear boring you, reader, with my never ending writing about Ex.  I am frankly tired of thinking and writing about Ex and fear you are probably sick of reading about it too.

What do I do?  Should I stop writing about him and give you the impression that he is just a long lost memory? Or should I continue to write about him and bore you to tears? Perhaps worst than boring you I fear giving you the incorrect impression that I am this weak, needy, lonely soul.  I am a strong, self-sufficient and happy soul, but I do struggle with letting go of Ex and the life I had with him.

This blog was created as an outlet for my heartache.  It was a way of having a voice and letting my frustrations out.  Then, you reader, you became my friend.  I want to please, inspire, motivate, and make you laugh.  How do I accomplish both things, pleasing you and pleasing me?

I don’t know.

This blog is about my life, and above all, my heart, and unfortunately Ex continues to figure in it.  I will continue to write as my heart dictates, for better or worse.  I am sorry readers if I bore you with my thoughts of ex.  I am sorry I am not this amazing person that was able to so readily and happily able to let him go.  On the other hand, you get truth, ugly and all.

My life is amazing, and Ex is a part of it, even if I dislike that part.  So the best course of action is to make peace with it.  I need to stop thinking that miraculously I will wake up one day and no longer think of him.  It is a daily struggle.

Memories of him will come and go, like memories of anything in my life, good and bad.  I will treasure the good ones and I will let go of the bad ones.  There is no deadline to stop thinking of him.  It gets easier.  It has gotten easier.

I hope you continue to come and read and indulge me while I, once in a while, wallow in self-pity.  Feel free to set me straight – somebody has to!

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” 
― Steve Maraboli,

See you soon, hopefully…, but just in case, here is a hug and I really love you!

11 Saturday May 2013

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Mom left last night.  After some begging Delta Airlines was kind enough to give me a gate pass so that I could be with her until she boarded.  It is a peace of mind for me to see her board and not be waiting for her phone call telling me that she found the right gate.  Since they often change gates, I am really not satisfied until she calls me from the airplane and tells me that she found her seat and all is well.  Well honestly I am only happy after she is talking to me from the comfort of her home, after arriving, collecting her bags, finding my brother and travelling the over 3 hours to our hometown.

I guess I am a bit controlling and a bit overprotective.  I guess there are worst things to be.

Her departure is filled with mixed feelings.  On one hand I am happy to return to my routine, on the other I am also sad to see her go for many reasons.  No more Mom’s great meals, shopping trips and watching Survivor together.  But her life is in Brazil with the rest of the family, and after almost 30 years living alone in the US I am used to good byes and solitude.

Being used to good byes doesn’t mean that sadness does not visit me.  There is that weird feeling of not knowing when I will see her again.  Is this the last good bye?

That happens every time I go through this dropping off at the airport routine at least twice a year.  It never fails that upon returning alone to my apartment I have feelings of not having done enough for her while she was here.  Was I too critical? was I caring?

Will I have a next chance to try harder next time?  I am brushing those feelings away.  I know I have done my best at each time and my best is enough.  Given the chance I will try again to improve on my last time.  With each time I try to be more tolerant and less picky. And I think I more succeed than fail.

I never have set plans to go to Brazil. I try to go twice a year or at least once, but it is uncertain.   The truth is none of us know when we will be seeing a loved one next.  They may not live in another country as in the case of my family or they may live with us or near us.  We may have plans, we may know what time they return from work, etc, but the truth is nothing is guaranteed.

The next minute is not a right, it is a gift!

Next time you say good bye to anyone, specially a loved one, imagine, for a second, that that is the last good bye.  Did you say everything you wanted to say? Does this person know how you feel about her/him?  How would you feel if you never saw them again?

Never miss an opportunity to say caring words and do nice things to the ones you love.  Actually never waste an opportunity to show you care period. Loved one, acquaintances or strangers, they all will appreciate a nice gesture.

With Mother’s Day around the corner remember to thank your mother for her love and for the gift of life.

My life is a trip and a pain in my hip …

23 Tuesday Apr 2013

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It has been one week since I came back from Brazil and I am already itching to get back on a plane/road somewhere or at least to make plans to.  I was in the Finger Lakes region in January, Colorado in February, Brazil in April, I am ready to plan my next trip, even if it is for a one day getaway on a neighboring town.

I find that one of the best parts of going away is coming back. I always come back tired, but renewed and reenergized, full of ideas and goals.  This time back from Brazil it is no different.  I am full of energy, even if my hip is not willing to go along with the physical aspect of it.  It is exciting to think that there is so much I can do and accomplish it is all a matter of taking the first step and then continuing taking steps.

Mom is in town so I have been spoiled with home cooked meals, I have been over indulging in shopping and casino trips.  When my patience wears thin I remind myself that she is 78 yrs old.  Our major point of contention is the fact that she doesn’t stop. She is either cooking, cleaning, or painting and doing crafts. Right at this moment she is painting me a painting of Brazilian favelas (I will make sure to post the final product) after having done laundry, gone shopping and then she will make dinner and dessert. I guess there are worst things in the world than a mother that doesn’t stop, but the point of her visit here is for her to rest and she is not doing any of that!A bit

My hip has gone from bad to worst.  I am looking forward to seeing a Sports Medicine Orthopedic surgeon on Thursday.  I am hoping he will have answers for me or at least start on the way to answers.

I decided not to date while Mom is here and dedicate my non-working time to her.  It is amazing to me how some men that I didn’t even meet yet already have a problem with my lack of time in this period.  I guess that is a good weeding measure for me.  The right man will understand my limited time with my mom and wait.  With that being said I am having a lunch date today, since I am meeting during the day and not dipping into Mom’s time.  It so happens that a guy I met on e-harmony has an office 3 blocks from my office – what are the odds, right?

I am supposed to pick the place for lunch and now we have hit on one of my flaws (I hardly have any- lol).  I am incapable of making a decision when faced with too many choices on trivial matters.  The more trivial the subject the worst it is.  When facing important decisions I am quick and determined, but with stupid stuff such as a place to eat lunch I freeze. Gosh, it is only lunch! Am I worried what my choice will say about me? Am I afraid of picking an awful place?  I don’t know what it is, but with certain choices such as this I rather somebody else does it.

With important matters and facing problems I leap to action while little, unimportant things have me baffled  and worrying.  I wonder what does it say about me.