accepting challenges, being strong, Brazil, dealing with illness, family, Israel, learning acceptance, mother
“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
My mother and I have been back from Brazil for several days now. My main focus, besides work, has been trying to get her mentally and physically healthier.
Approximately 3 weeks ago she went to a neuropsychiatrist after many years of my sister and I begging her to see someone regarding some baggage that she carries since she was a child. Lately she had been extremely angry and short-tempered and realized on her own that she needed to do something about it.
She saw the doctor and they spoke for about an hour. She came home happy and felt light after discussing things from her past. Unfortunately when she woke up the next morning she was slurring her words and had trouble walking. She was in a drunk-like state (My mother quit drinking when she was 25 years old because she realized it was going to become a problem, so we know she wasn’t drunk. On May 1st she will be 80 years old)
“Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of ‘not knowing.” ― Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves
She refused to go to the emergency room or call the doctor, attributing the symptoms to the deep conversation they had the day before. It is hard not to think that the 2 things are not related. My brother is a nurse and he didn’t think she was suffering a stroke or something similar. I need to note here that my brother will never go against my mother’s and father’s wish, even in a situation like this where my first instinct would be to take her to the emergency room. I try to keep my interference to a minimum only trying to provide positive feedback and financial support. I try not to be critical of my sister and brother. I realize how easy it is for me to have all the right answers when I am so far away. I am also extremely grateful of how much they do for my parents and the love and respect they give my parents.
Last week in Brazil all I did was cook and clean and make sure she was resting. She had 2 different brain scans done last week. The last scan showed: Signs of microangiopathy. Some signs of thinning of the white matter were also observed (inferring ischemic leukoaraiosis). That is all Greek to me and all my Google research has left my head spinning. At any rate her doctor gave his okay for her to travel as long as she takes the medication prescribed (He said he doesn’t believe in canceling vacation because of illness and also thought a change in scenery would be good for her). He says her issues are due to age and also to diabetes and high blood pressure. As soon as she returns she is scheduled for additional tests.
“Fear is the glue that keeps you stuck. Faith is the solvent that sets you free.”
― Shannon L. Alder
She was fine in the flight from Sao Paulo to New York, so I am hoping that means that she will also be fine in the flight from NY to Tel Aviv this Saturday, as the trip is still on schedule. She is excited about it, but I am making sure that she knows that is also okay if she thinks it is too much for her.
My mother has always been a dynamo never sitting or slowing down throughout the day. The amount of things she accomplishes in one day is incredible. While I am proud to have such an energetic mother I also knew that that would be her down fall. That makes watching her slowing down now much harder.
I am not allowing her to do anything on her own as I fear she could fall and hurt herself (on our first day in NY she fell in the tub, I took that as a warning). She has had good days and bad days. Today is a not so great day as she seems slower than usual. It is hard to be at work and leave her at home alone but I also realize that I cannot make her feel like an invalid all of a sudden.
“If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to yourself, to who you are, here and now and when you get there, you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.” ― Masaru Emoto
She has started taking vitamins, eating more, healthier, and at regular intervals (her diet before was coffee, bread and more coffee). She has been taking daily naps and doing no housework at all. She is still doing her crafts (knitting, crocheting, and painting), also reading and some easy exercises.
I am hoping that this is just a warning sign for her to take it easy, relax and take better care of herself. Actually it is a warning sign for the entire family as we are all guilty of overdoing at the dessert table. I am hoping that as the medication starts to work and combined with the new lifestyle and diet she will soon be brand new.
I know it is all in God’s hands and I am just trying to follow his guidance and respect his plan, but the idea of ever losing my mother has been unbelievably hard to deal with. I am trying to ward off those thoughts that continue to invade my mind and steal my peace.
I thank you all for your support and prayers! You are a source of comfort and for that I feel blessed and I am extremely grateful!!
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ― Lao Tzu