Category Archives: Dating

Tell the truth or keep a friend?

11 Friday Sep 2020

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“Is it true; is it kind, or is it necessary?”― Socrates

I have this long time girlfriend that is such a sweet, giving person but has terrible taste in men.  I don’t think she knows her worth and keeps settling for much less.

Years ago I was very vocal about a boyfriend that she had.  To make a long story short, she took offense to some things I said to her and stopped speaking to me.

Eventually we started speaking again and she apologized. Since then she has had other boyfriends that I also didn’t think were good enough for her but I never expressed my opinion again.  She lives a couple of hours away so we don’t see each other often, but any chance I get I just make sure to tell her to put herself first.  

Fast forward to this past weekend when I was visiting her area and she was excited to introduce her new boyfriend.  She is still getting rid of a prior boyfriend and is immediately starting up with someone else.  A mistake in my opinion.  My advice to her and to everyone after a breakup is to be alone for awhile, focus on oneself. 

“Truth without love is brutality, and love without truth is hypocrisy.” ― Warren Wiersbe

I am happy for her excitement but I don’t think the new boyfriend is any better than the prior one.  I don’t want to go into detail here why I don’t think he is the right person for her.  I met him for 10 minutes and in that short time I think, as they say in Brazil, she is changing 6 for half dozen.  

Later she called to ask my thoughts about him.  I was not sure how to kindly tell her that I was not impressed.

How to tell the truth to someone that cannot handle the truth?  By truth, I mean my truth, the way I see, which can be wrong or right but it is my truth as I see it. 

One of the good traits and also bad trait of Aries is the brutal honesty.  I normally just tell it like it is.  But with age comes wisdom and I realized that I don’t have to always tell it like it is.  There are times that it is okay to be less than 100% honest.  

“The trouble with most of us is that we’d rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.”― Norman Vincent Peale

I keep wanting her to be alone for awhile and focus her love and energy on herself.  But I have said all of that before.  

This time when she asked my opinion I mentioned to her I didn’t want to say anything because of our past experience.  She said she was immature then and apologized for it again.  Still, this time I chose a more refrained honesty.  I said to her that 10 minutes was too short of a time to form an informed opinion of him.  I said it wouldn’t fair to judge him on that little interaction. 

I did, however, pointed out to her something he did that I had an issue with.  She promptly came up with 2 excuses for said action.  The fact that she made excuses for him tells me she is not ready to hear exactly what I think. 

She is excited, happy, full of renewed energy and making a lot plans.  I couldn’t put a damper on that. So this time I chose kindness instead of brutal honesty.  I felt those were my only choices.   I pray I am wrong and he is not another one to take advantage of her.

“Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true.”― Robert Brault

Bad grammar? me? I?

25 Saturday Jul 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating

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“The way to happiness: Keep your heart free from hate, your mind from worry. Live simply, expect little, give much. Scatter sunshine, forget self, think of others. Try this for a week and you will be surprised.”― Norman Vincent Peale

I was unsure about G, but on Wednesday night he helped me make up my mind. 

We were having dinner at Patsy’s Pizzeria. We had a nice table looking out to the marina.  Right at the start, before we had even ordered drinks, he said: “You are coming over to my apartment after”.

I said: “What? No I am not!”

We went back and forth like that for awhile.  I ultimately said that if he insisted I would call an Uber at the end of the evening.  He finally said: “ok, I know you asked me to slow down”.

With that put to bed, no pun intended 😉 the conversation eventually made its way to work and finances.  At some point he said to me: “You make good money”.  I never told him how much I make so he was just assuming.  

I replied: “Good is relative.  I probably should be making more for all that I do and the industry I am in, but I am not complaining.  I believe that, often, is not how much one makes but how much one spends.” 

I have always lived below my means.  It affords me the peace of mind of having enough savings to deal with emergencies, such as my tenant not paying the rent for months as it is happening now.   

I had started noticing by some of his comments on prior dates that he likes to compare the two of us.  He always seems to want to “one up” me in the financial area.  That is one game that he can play alone as I have no interest in competing with anyone in any area, specially financially.

I think that he feels threatened by thinking that I am more successful than he is.  For the record, I never measure anyone in material terms.  I have noticed that he does.  He likes to say that he is making a lot money and that he drives a nice car and that his mortgage is paid up months ahead.  

All of a sudden he turns to me and says: “I noticed that you make some English mistakes.  Can I correct you?’

It came out of nowhere.  I said nothing for a few seconds while I tried to digest that statement and recover from the shock.  Eventually I said: “Do you mean my pronunciation or my grammar?” 

He answered: “grammar”.  I expected him to say pronunciation. I will always have an accent.  At one point I was trying to get rid of it, but grew to accept it as just another thing that makes me special.

I told him that I don’t mind being corrected and asked him to tell me what was the mistake I had just made.  He said he didn’t remember at the moment but there were several here and there.  I pressed him and he still couldn’t come up with anything.

The issue for me is not if I make grammar mistakes or not.  You read my blog so you know I do make mistakes.  But who says that on a date with someone that they are supposedly trying to impress and get to know better?  I didn’t ask him for feedback on my English skills.  

“Be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet. Make all your friends feel there is something special in them. Look at the sunny side of everything. Think only the best, be as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own. – Norman Vincent Peale

I think that he only said that to make me feel self-conscious because English is not my first language.  Perhaps I am wrong, but I think he is intimidated by me.  I think his perception of my “success” hurts his ego.  

Or perhaps he was hurt because I turned down his offer to go to his apartment.   While I have no issues going to his apartment just to have a drink and talk, I do know that he would be all over me and I would have to be fending off his advances the whole time.  There is nothing I hate more than feeling pressured to do something.  The more someone insists the more I don’t want to do it and will not do it. 

I am fine being corrected by someone doing it with the right intention.  I welcome it. That is not what  I felt in his words.  His comment only served to annoy me and show me that he is not the person for me.

While not wanting to go out with someone because they mention “grammar mistakes” seems petty and lame,  that is my reason.  I perceived his comment as a futile attempt to put me down and hurt my ego. I don’t want to be someone that would act in such a way.

Perhaps I am being extra sensitive but I have my reasons. He reminded me of someone I dated many many years ago.  He would criticize everything I said, did, wore, etc.  While I was in the middle of it I didn’t see what he was doing.  I thought he was trying to make me a better person.  He was not.  I am glad that I finally wised up. 

To this day when I look back I can’t believe I put up with any of that.  I will never again.  I want someone that will lift me up and not try to create insecurities where none exist.   

For the unnecessary comment and the pressure to get more intimate G is history once again.  I should have left him where he belongs: in the past!

Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give everyone a smile. Spend so much time improving yourself that you have no time left to criticize others. Be too big for worry and too noble for anger.” ― Norman Vincent Peale

 

Slow down, you move too fast…

20 Monday Jul 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.”― Art Buchwald

On Wednesday night G (the man I mentioned I dated 15 years ago), my sister and I went to Turquoise, a Turkish restaurant in Larchmont, NY.  The food and service were impeccable.  We all shared zucchini pancakes and shrimp (they did, I don’t eat shellfish). For the entree my sister and I had grilled fish with spinach and rice.  G had lamb with couscous.  I had rose wine, my sister had a bay breeze cocktail and G had a Turkish beer.

G and my sister got along well.  We were joking and laughing the entire evening. After dinner he drove us home.  My sister offered him some German chocolate cake and he accepted, so he came up to my apartment to have it.  I didn’t feel like already having him in my apartment but it was okay.  He sat and ate a couple of slices of cake, then left.

My friend Mary from Rhode Island had baked the cake for her friend’s birthday but because the cake fell apart she was too embarrassed to give it to her.  When we unexpectedly showed up in RI she offered it to me when I mentioned chocolate cake while we were having lunch.  It didn’t look pretty but it was delicious.  

“It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;—it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.” ― Jane Austen

On Thursday night G and I went to the Cheesecake Factory in White Plains for dinner.  I had this bacon cheeseburger with sweet potatoes fries that was so yummy, I am dreaming about it now.  Their bread basket is just heavenly.

I just need to start taking pictures of my food.  I keep forgetting 😦

He wanted me to go to his apartment after dinner with some excuse that I needed to try peanut butter and jelly sandwich, something he eats daily.  I never had it before, and have no interest in starting it now.  I declined.  I feel he was disappointed since that was the best excuse he could come up with to have me in his apartment.  I care and yet don’t care about his disappointment.

G asked me where I wanted to go on Saturday.  I mentioned that I hadn’t agreed to go out on Saturday.  I was honest with him about my feelings and wants, and really about not knowing exactly what I want.

“As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself…The critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes an enormous amount of courage.”― Bessel A. van der Kolk

I told him that I thought he is going too fast too soon.  He wants to go out every single day, and that is way too much.  I am a Horse in the Chinese horoscope, I don’t like fences or the feeling of being tie down.   Or perhaps the issue is that I am afraid of getting hurt.  Or hurting him.  Anytime someone seems to be all in the way he is I fear for their feelings.

Or perhaps still, the issue is just that I don’t like him enough.  I think when I meet the right person there will not be “too much too soon”, there will not be hesitation, there will not be confusion.  

He agreed to slow down and said:  “tell me if you want to go out on Saturday, or any other day”.  I said ok.

I didn’t want to see him this weekend, but it turned into a very busy weekend anyway.  I went to the office on Saturday to have the new shades installed and catch up on a couple of things.  What was supposed to be a couple of hours went several hours.  For dinner we met a friend at The Colombian House in New Rochelle.  On Sunday we met  another friend for brunch at Chat 19 in Larchmont,  then we went shopping at Marshalls, my sister loves that store.  

I have been going out more to local restaurants.  I am trying to help them out and leaving bigger tips.  We already have a lot vacant storefronts in my city I am hoping not have many more added to it.  Many small business will not be able to survive.

Yesterday G. asked if I wanted to go out a night this week.  I said yes and that I would let him know which night.  I am thinking Thursday since that is my favorite night to go out.

I really don’t know too much about G, other than he is way to eager to see me.  We only went out a few times 15 years ago.  I would like to be friends and get to know him slowly. But right at this moment if pressed for an answer I would say friendship over relationship. 

“The power of getting to know one another is so immense, eclipsed only by first getting to know ourselves.”― Bryant McGill, Voice of Reason

 

another day in online dating paradise

07 Tuesday Jul 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.”― Euripides

The date that was canceled on June 26, was going to happen on July 3rd.  Key word: was.  I wanted to keep an open mind and give the guy a chance but in the end my instincts were right.  He was not worth the energy.

On the day we were supposed to meet he said he wanted to bring his guitar and serenade me in my apartment after dinner.  He is a part time wedding singer.  When I said that the idea was nice and we could do it in the future he became a whiny 3 year old going on and on on why we couldn’t do it that night and how he was such a good guy.  

Good guys wait, and don’t force situations or get annoyed when they hear a no.

He said I was very distrustful. I said it was not a matter of trust since I don’t even know him. It is a matter of safety.  In the end I stopped trying to explain my view and just said:  “You don’t have to understand, you have to respect how I feel.  Since you can’t, let’s forget about it.”

He called a couple more times trying to convince me to go through with the date and with the guitar playing.  Too late, I was done.  Trying to convince me of something when my mind is already made up just makes me more annoyed.

In the end I just didn’t answer the phone anymore.

“Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners” ― Laurence Sterne

On Saturday I finally went on my first date since I have been back on Match.  While this person didn’t really give me a lot of hope I thought he would be a nice guy and we would have a nice time.

I did have a nice time because I can make the best of almost anything.  He was kind and came bearing gifts: Hot sauce and dark chocolate.  He owns a food distributor.

He was shorter, fatter and older than it was on his profile.  Nothing wrong with short, fat and old.  I just have a problem with false advertisement.  He was also more unavailable than I expected.  This one is my fault.  When I looked at his profile again it did say he was separated.  I missed that.  But even if I had seen that, I never expect someone to be living in the basement of the family home for the past 12 years while fighting over the house.  

“Any fool can know. The point is to understand.” – Albert Einstein

He has been waiting 12 years for his wife to decide what she wants. Among all that he mentioned, he said he doesn’t own a TV because the wife doesn’t want a TV in the house.   No matter how handsome, tall, young, slim and awesome someone is, there is no way that I can respect  or be with that complacent and spineless. 

Even though I mostly felt sorry for him, I also got a bit annoyed that he expect women to be okay with that situation.  He said that the women of Match have a lot of expectations regarding relationships. 

I said that I could only speak for myself and my only expectation was that someone looked like his pictures and was available to be in a relationship.   At which point he went back to telling me that he has been available for over 12 years and that he will force the wife to sell the house… I don’t think that even he was buying that.

My advice to him, he didn’t ask but I volunteered, was: “get your life untangled first before you add another person to that dynamic.”

 He said that the right woman will understand.  I am not her! After dinner I wished him luck and we parted as friends.

I also said to him to forget about the house and embrace freedom.  At this point he went back to talking about the grand plans he has for his business.  It seems he will continue fooling himself.

“There are two questions a man must ask himself: The first is ‘Where am I going?’ and the second is ‘Who will go with me?’

If you ever get these questions in the wrong order you are in trouble.”
― Sam Keen

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It is now or never again

25 Thursday Jun 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

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“When one has once fully entered the realm of love, the world — no matter how imperfect — becomes rich and beautiful, it consists solely of opportunities for love.” ― Søren Kierkegaard

I decided to get back on the horse. And by horse I mean online dating.  I just signed up for it again.  I felt that I was getting too complacent, too comfortable in my oneness.  It feels that if I don’t just do it right now I will never get back to it.

Even though I always enjoyed speaking to new people and going on dates, lately every time I thought of joining I would think of it as a chore and would go off do something else.  So today I made a point of signing up before I gave up on it forever.  I am once again a member of Match.com.

I have never given up on the idea of love.  I just have been passive about it.  Instead of actively looking for it, I was just sitting back and letting it find me. It didn’t!

“It is impossible to exist without passion”― Søren Kierkegaard

That approach, or should I say non-approach, wasn’t really working.  I am not a person that sits and waits.  I go out there and get the job done…or die trying.  I rather take the initiative, be aggressive and know that I am doing my part and having a hand in my destiny.

The Bible says: God helps those that help themselves.

Paulo Coelho says: When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.

Rumi says: what you seek is also seeking you.

So I want God, Paulo Coelho, Rumi and the entire Universe to know that I am actively doing my part.  I want the Universe to know that I am still here and still wanting and still trying to find love.

Winning or losing I want to feel that at least I am part of the game. I don’t want to be just a spectator.

“Many of us pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that we hurry past it.”― Søren Kierkegaard

I don’t need a man but I want one.  I miss the intimacy.  I miss the flirting.  I miss the idea of having common goals and working together to achieve them.  I want to believe that it will happen, actually I firmly believe that it will happen.  It is only a matter of time.  I can’t hurry love, as the song below says.

I also have never given up on the idea of the fairy-tale. But my version of fairy tale doesn’t involve princes in shining armors and white horses, just has men that pays their bills on time and showers daily.  Is that too much to ask?

I feared that if I waited any longer I would just give up the idea of online dating all-together.  I had fun before and I still believe in it.  Or perhaps I just want an excuse to get out of the house.

Stay tuned for all the dating adventures to come.  Fingers crossed.

“It’s quite an undertaking to start loving somebody. You have to have energy, generosity, blindness. There is even a moment right at the start where you have to jump across an abyss: if you think about it you don’t do it.”― Jean-Paul Sartre, Nausea

Loves Trump, hates immigrants and is clueless about sex: not my match! (the mistakes I made and lessons I learned in this short-lived relationship)

14 Saturday Mar 2020

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This was written on Friday, 3/13/2020.  Sorry, another lengthy post.

My relationship with M was lukewarm, now it is dead cold.  Wake and burial details will be announced soon, for now I am explaining the cause of the death.  Last night was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.  Before I talk about last night, I want to state a few mistakes I made. The relationship was already showing ill signs from the beginning.

Even though he was always calm and gentle with me there was an underlining bitterness and negativity that I attributed to his stressful work.  I thought that once he retired, he would become more laid back.  Mistake no.1 – Thinking that he would change.  I know better than to think that I can change anyone but I thought my happiness and positiveness could rub off on him.  Circumstances change but people rarely do. 

“Even if you cannot change all the people around you, you can change the people you choose to be around. – Roy T. Bennet”

I thought that once he retired and had more time, we would be spending more time together.  We spoke and texted every day, but he seemed to be getting too busy or tired to get together. Mistake no.2 – Thinking that I was going to be a priority. If someone doesn’t make you a priority when they are busy, they won’t make you a priority when they have more time either.

“Action expresses priorities.” – Mahatma Gandhi 

Bluntly, sex was lackluster! It seemed promising in the beginning.  The chemistry was there so I thought that as we spent more time together things would heat up.  Mistake no.3 – Staying in a relationship that is so-so when I want/need fireworks.  I want scorching hot but was settling for lukewarm.  I have been waiting too long for the right person to just settle for uncertainty.  

“Sometimes I get real lonely sleeping with you.” – Haruki Murakami,  A Qild Sheep Chase

I knew he liked Trump so I avoided talking politics.  When talking about politics and also about his work he would get more agitated. He seemed bitter about being a cop for 20 years and dealing with crazy people and situations.  He blamed politics/the democrats/Obama for the issues at work, for the increase in crime in NY and the disrespect to police officers.  That was Mistake no.4 – Thinking that if I avoided certain things and subjects, they would not be a factor and/or it would go away.   Because I avoided talking about it, I didn’t know how much he really loved Trump. 

In the future I will not avoid certain subjects and things.  I will talk about whatever I want and address disagreements and difference of opinions head on and right away.  Knowing how to work through disagreements signals the potential of the relationship.

“The first duty of a man is to think for himself” ― Jose Marti

He seemed like a gentleman, hard-worker, honest, didn’t have much baggage.  He looked like the perfect match for me.  But as time went on bad sex and Trump love were dark clouds looming over my head. 

And then last night happened.

It was the 2 month anniversary of our relationship.  During his nightly call after some chit-chat we started talking about the coronavirus.  I asked his opinion about Trumps’ oval office address.  I knew it would be a touchy subject, but I was tired of walking on eggshells and was interested in knowing his opinion.  I somehow was still believing that he was capable of independent thought.

He said he didn’t really watch it.  I call bs on that.  Of course he saw it.  I said that I didn’t think Trump did a good job of reading.  I asked him if he knew why was the UK excluded from the travel ban.  Why was the UK an exception? 

He responded sarcastically: ” May be it is racism, because the Left says everything is about racism”.  I was shocked, not as much in what he said, but by his tone of voice and anger.  I didn’t really know how to reply to that.

Somehow my question and comment on Trump’s performance unleashed something in him.  He alternated between defending Trump and attacking, as he puts it, the Left.  I wish he was that passionate in bed.

“Men in rage strike those that wish them best.” ― William Shakespeare, Othello

I wish I could have recorded all he said. It included:  “What did Trump do?  Did he kill anyone?  Because people call him Hitler. That is ridiculous.  What about Obama?  Obama could kill people and no one would say anything.”

He kept going on and on about the fake media and terrible Obama. He was speaking fast, not giving me a chance to say anything, not that I would know what to say to all that garbage he was spewing.

I wondered why I was being attacked.  Finally I was able to get a word in. I wanted him to know that he didn’t need to go on and on because no matter what he said I would not change my mind. 

I said: “I respect your opinion but I didn’t like Trump before he was the president and I like him even less now.  My opinion is not going to change”. 

“Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.” ― Robert Orben

Before I had the chance to numerate the reasons why I don’t like Trump, he cut me off and said: “It is not about the president, it is about the country.  What about the country?  Do you like the US? Before I had a chance to respond, he added: What really makes me mad is the disrespect to the US specially from the immigrants.  If you don’t like here, leave.  Go back to where you came from.”

Dead silence from me!  I felt I was punched in the gut. I was too shocked to have a reaction.  He immediately said: “I don’t mean you”.

Really?  What other immigrant did he mean?  My face was burning by this point. But I chose not to reply to his stupidity with anger.   I chose to separate myself from the situation.  I took a deep breath and said: “Listen, I need to take a break. Let’s talk later” and I hung up.

By “later” I meant NEVER  And he knew it.

“The truth is, immigrants tend to be more American than people born here.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

I decided that it was best to save my breath and energy.  I realized in that moment that this is a person that I would never be able to be with.  Some of Trump supporters are incapable of having a civil discussion.  They are incapable of allowing for the man to be wrong. So they go on and on defending the indefensible and attacking whoever disagrees.   

Making such a comment to me regarding immigrants is hitting below the belt.  He intended to offend me.  Instead he just made me mad and aware of his ignorance.  This “go back to your country” rhetoric that Trump supporters use is just getting tired.   

“He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool.” ― Brigham Young

I am thankful that he showed me who he really is.  Actually,  I am grateful that I finally acknowledged who he is.  He has been showing me who he is all along, but I was not seeing.  I didn’t want to see it.  Mistake no.5 – I was selectively only looking at his good qualities.  I was focused on his potential and the ideal that I had in mind.   In the future I will look at the whole package instead of only on the positive and what I like.   

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” ― Joe Klaas, Twelve Steps to Happiness

As I have mentioned before I am not against people that voted for Trump.  I respect people’s opinion, and just wish that people would respect mine and not try to force Trump down my throat.

Why would men that have a problem with immigrants contact me on dating sites?  I specifically put it on my profile that I am one.  He is not the first one that has attacked me in such a way. 

“Life is a succesion of lessons which must be lived to be understood.”― Helen Keller

I have learned a lot with this relationship.  I am so grateful for the lessons.  In this relationship I have tried to be patient, keep an open mind and have no expectations. I feel freer and stronger for doing that but have learned that I need to find balance. 

I will:

  • Keep an open mind but will not betray my convictions and beliefs to just keep someone by my side. 
  • Be patient but will not wait around if the relationship is not going in the right direction or if the person is not who I thought he was.
  • Have no expectations but will not accept less than I deserve/want/need

Life is too short, my time is too precious and my energy too positive, to hang around stupidity, mediocrity and negativism.

I dodged a bullet and I know it. I am so grateful for my guardian angels for keeping me in the light, safe and aware.

To my readers that commented that they couldn’t deal with a partner that likes Trump I say: “You were right!  It doesn’t work!”.  You tried to alert me, but I had to learn the lesson myself. Thank you!

Be safe and healthy out there. Be cautious but not paranoid.

“You’re never perfectly safe. No human being on Earth ever is or ever was. To live is to risk your life, your heart, everything.” ― Rick Yancey,  The Last Star

Hurt people hurt people, but I don’t have to

28 Friday Feb 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

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“People of our time are losing the power of celebration. Instead of celebrating we seek to be amused or entertained. Celebration is an active state, an act of expressing reverence or appreciation. To be entertained is a passive state–it is to receive pleasure afforded by an amusing act or a spectacle…. Celebration is a confrontation, giving attention to the transcendent meaning of one’s actions.
Source: The Wisdom of Heschel”― Abraham Joshua Heschel

I woke up this morning happy as usual but with an extra spring in my step. M will be coming for dinner and movie this evening. It will be the 3 of us, including my sister. They have met each other before. Last time he dropped me off home he came up and installed a new shower head for her.

Tonight we will be celebrating his retirement from the police force. The actual date is not until June, but today it will be his last working day. He is taking 6 months off and then he will decide what to do next.

I am choosing to celebrate everything, his retirement, the weekend, good food, family and love!

We will be ordering from my favorite Italian restaurant and opening a great bottle of red wine. After dinner we will have popcorn while watching Yesterday, the movie. I predict it will be a fun night!

“I like places in which things have happened — even if they’re sad things.” ― Henry James,  The Portrait of a Lady

But, let me get back to this morning:

As I was walking through Grand Central station at 7:30am it was busy as usual. All of a sudden this guy came out of nowhere and bumped into the side of my breast and shoulder so hard that it almost knocked me off my feet. I am not sure if it was his backpack or elbow that hit me.

I turned quickly but he was moving too fast for me to see who he was. The lady behind me yelled out to him: “What a dick!!”. I am not sure if he hit her also or if she took offense to the way he bumped into me. I think it is the latter.

Please keep in mind that I bump into people and people bump into me all the time. That is what happens when you are walking in Grand Central Station at rush hour. This was not a simple bump. It felt violating and threatening.

I had no reaction other than turning around and quickly turning back and keep on moving. After all, that is the advice I gave my sister when she started working in New York City. I told her: “If someone bumps into you, don’t stop, don’t confront, keep on moving. Your life is precious to you, but they may not hold their own life in high regard.”

You never know who is mentally ill, or just ill-tempered, or looking for a fight. The amount of mentally ill people hanging around the city and the train stations have been steadily increasing. It is scary. You never know who is standing next to you.

As I continued my walk to work still feeling shocked, wronged and hurt I realized I had 2 choices. 1) I could let that incident consume me and my emotions and spoil my entire day or 2) I could shake it off and move on. I chose to move on.

“Don’t take anything Personally Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering”― Don Miguel Ruiz

I said a prayer to that person. He had issues. A) He was either in too of a hurry, with too much in his mind to even bother to slow down and say sorry or to avoid bumping into me in the first place. Or B) He chose to bump into me on purpose, which would make him a mean and miserable person.

The mean and the miserable are the ones more in need of prayers. Perhaps he has extra burdens in his life. Perhaps his mind is not all there. I am not going to pretend I know him and his life. I also don’t want to judge someone based on 1 action, but I am choosing to judge his action. It was confrontational, awful, rude,mean and painful.

This was another opportunity for me to choose love and forgiveness, not because of others but for myself. My time, heart and mind are too precious to let other occupy.

Still, God Bless him! May God lighten his load! May he see the light and choose to spread love and smiles! And thank you God for this lesson!

“Hurt people hurt people. That’s how pain patterns gets passed on, generation after generation after generation. Break the chain today. Meet anger with sympathy, contempt with compassion, cruelty with kindness. Greet grimaces with smiles. Forgive and forget about finding fault. Love is the weapon of the future.” – Yehuda Berg

Letting Silence be a Teacher

20 Thursday Feb 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“My thought is me: that’s why I can’t stop. I exist because I think… and I can’t stop myself from thinking. At this very moment – it’s frightful – if I exist, it is because I am horrified at existing. I am the one who pulls myself from the nothingness to which I aspire.” ― Jean-Paul Sartre, Nausea

Even though the weekend was great, there were instances when I saw expectations trying to creep in. That happened on the moments of silence.

Anytime it was quiet I could see my mind swirling with ideas of what to do and what to talk about. I would also think of what he should be doing. I expected.

I resisted those ideas. I shooed them away. I would tell myself: “all is as it is supposed to be. No need for words.”

M is on the quieter side. I think that most people are when compared to me. So in relationships I will often do most of the talking for the simple reason that silence makes me uncomfortable.

I am trying to be okay with silence and not feel that I have to fill it with unnecessary conversation.

This weekend, I tried. Any time there was silence I let it sit there. I let myself be uncomfortable. I made myself work with it.

“Silence is a source of Great Strength.” – ― Lao Tzu

Thoughts came and went. I didn’t voice them. The thoughts would come to the tip of my tongue and I would suppress them. Questions would pop up in my mind and I would purposely ignore them. It was not easy.

I thought of myself as getting stronger and stronger any time I fought the urge to speak.

It has been hard dealing with silence and not let expectations walk in. I realized that I need to be constantly entertained if I am with someone.

I cannot be together alone with my thoughts.

“Speak only if it improves upon the silence.” – Mahatma Gandhi

My thoughts are dangerous to a relationship in its infancy. My mind analyses, dissects, questions, expects. Nothing is good enough or perfect enough. Nothing will ever be as my mind conjures up. Nothing can ever compare to my expectations.

I admire people that can sit on a couch in silence and just be, with or without someone. I can’t.

Silence if I am alone is a little more bearable, but silence with another person kills me.

To me, worse than being with someone I can’t talk to, is being with someone I can’t be silent with.

“You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts.”― Kahlil Gibran

Don’t get me wrong. Let me clarify 2 points:

  1. I love being alone. It is not that I am incapable of being alone. But if I am with someone I need the interaction. I need the exchange of words and ideas. I need that give and take.
  2. If I really want to talk about something I will. But I am trying to make a distinction between talking to fill the space and talking because I think it has meaning/message/a point. I want to learn the difference between wanting to talk and needing to talk.

“This is the longest I have been silent with someone” – I think to myself as we sit in the living room. I have a book that I am trying to finish. He was replying to some emails from work. There was music playing and still I could hear the silence.

There is a subtle difference in talking to get to know each other and talking just not be in silence. This weekend I began to know the difference.

This past weekend silence reigned and I happily struggled!

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”
― Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

Valentine’s Day Weekend – joyous moments

18 Tuesday Feb 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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I had a lovely weekend of no expectations.  It is really amazing what happens when one decides to ignore expectations and let the moment be a surprise.  The result are beautiful experiences.

M. picked me up when he left work a little after midnight on Friday,  well Saturday morning really.  It is always wonderful seeing him.  I think he feels the same way about seeing me.

“The pain of parting is nothing to the joy of meeting again.”― Charles Dickens, Nicholas Nickleby

When we got to his house he was excited to show me the gifts he got me.  He said that he was not sure what to get me and thought it would be nice for me to have some things to have at his house.  In the below picture: a robe, a towel, a loofah (another one since he said he had used mine form last time), a pair of comfy slippers, a lotion, a delicious dark chocolate heart and a box of coconut chocolates, which he knew are my favorites.

What he got me for Valentine’s Day

I thought it was all perfect.  We know each for 1 month so really anything he gave me would have been perfect. It also included a card that was very romantic and signed Love.

I had no idea what to give him either.  Since he loves coffee I gave him a coffee grinder and organic coffee, which turns out he had one already.  He was gracious about it.  He said his was old and he would keep the new one.

I also gave him a picture frame that I made. I am heavily into my passion for mosaics at the moment so it seemed fitting to give him something I made myself.   I put the picture of a dog in it since he loves dog and eventually he can change that if he wants to.  He said it was beautiful.

What I gave him

We decided to have dinner at home on Saturday night instead of going to a restaurant. He asked me what I would prefer and I honestly didn’t care so he chose to make me skirt steak, which he knew was my favorite.  Old me would have wanted to go to a restaurant, but the present me is more interested in spending time alone together.  Cooking together seemed perfect.  Well, he cooked while I set the table.  Table setting in progress below.  I forgot to take a picture of the final set up and with the food on it. I guess I was too hungry by then. 🙂

Dinner was delicious! After dinner we were looking for a movie to watch on Amazon Prime.  We couldn’t decide.  By the time we chose one, which I don’t even remember what is it now, I fell asleep right at the beginning.  He said it was one of those predictable movies: boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl in the end.

On Saturday before we shopped for dinner he showed me more places around town:  the drive-in movie theater, some dairy farms, some local parks, some celebrities homes, including Derek Jeter’s home that is across the lake from his house and happens to be up for sale.

If interested take a look: https://www.businessinsider.com/derek-jeters-house-pics-2019-2

Sunday before he took me home we went to local carnival, where we ate good food.  They were going to have a Polar Plunge but I was too cold to wait for it.  I was not wearing a coat, just a turtleneck and a vest.  It didn’t feel cold when we left his home, but by the side of the lake with a frosty mist blowing by it was decidedly freezing.

I am afraid of guns but he spent some time showing me how to shoot cans with a pellet gun.  I failed miserably.  Still I am glad I tried.  He wanted to show me that it takes a skilled marksman to shoot exactly the leg or the arm.  I made the comment, that I guess he is tired of hearing, why don’t cops shoot the legs instead of shooting to kill.

Anytime we were home he had Brazilian Bossa Nova music going.  I think by the end of my stay we were both sick of it. It is beautiful and he wanted me to cater to me, so I appreciate his thoughtfulness.

I enjoyed the weekend immensely.  He is thoughtful and caring, without being too much and too needy.

“When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.” ― Rumi

In getting to know him,  while sporting a new attitude,  I have noticed some things about me.  I will discuss them in the next post.

 

Valentine’s Day 2020: Celebrating having someone to kiss

14 Friday Feb 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Loving is not infinite, infinite is the capacity to love”– Vinicius de Moraes

Last year today, February 14, I wrote the following post:
https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2018/02/14/wanting-a-boyfriend-on-this-valentines-day/

In the post I talked about being single and happy but still yearning for a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day.

This year I have a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day and I am over the moon about it. If I didn’t have one, life would still be beautiful and I would still be happy. But I do, so excuse me while I get up and do a happy dance.

I know I sound like a lovey-dovey teenager.  Instead of toning it down I am embracing it and putting it on full blast.  I don’t meet a lot guys that makes me weak in the knees.  This one does so I will enjoy it.  And I suspect that I have the same effect on him.

“I am looking for someone, not to find myself but to lose myself.” – Vinicius de Moraes

I want to be in love. I want to be part of a couple. In no way that means I am desperate or willing to settle. It just means that I am willing to search for it.  I am willing to be vulnerable and take chances.  I am willing to get hurt again. And again, and again…

This Valentine’s Day I am choosing to celebrate life and love! The beginnings of a love affair, the feeling of wanting and being wanted, the passion, the longing, the missing and the meeting.

If this lust will become love, if it will grow and blossom it remains to be seen. For now I will put all my heart into it.  I will give it attention and care. I will do my part.

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” – Thomas Merton

I always found it stupid to celebrate monthly anything, and here I am celebrating that 2 days ago on February 12 it was our 1-month anniversary.  I am choosing to celebrate months, and days, and minutes. I am choosing to celebrate the now. Life is fleeting, love is not a guarantee, but happiness is a choice that I make daily.  Life are the little moments.

On Monday night he said he had a crazy idea. I braced myself and asked what is it? He said: “How about I pick you up after my shift on Friday night? You can come and spend the weekend with me.  We can go out on Saturday night for Valentine’s Day.”  He mentioned places he wants to show me and foods he wants to cook for me. He also mentioned a Winter Festival that will be happening this weekend in his town.

“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.” ― Thomas Merton

I no longer impose on people my expectations. I no longer expect them to be me or act like I would act. Now I am free to see them for who they are.  I let them surprise me instead of always expecting and then being disappointed.

If something is very important to me I will bring it up otherwise I let things flow.

What was before expectations that always led to disappointment are now happy surprises.

  • When he opens the car door, I feel like a lady
  • When he mentions buying me slippers and a bathrobe so I will have them when I sleepover,  I feel cared for
  • When he makes plans for us, I feel special
  • When he goes out of his way for me, I feel loved
  • When he just sent a Happy Valentines text with flowers emojis, my heart sings

Nothing is expected!  Nothing is taken for granted!

Today on this Valentine’s Day 2020 my wish for you is for you to be fully present in your life.  Celebrate life with no expectations and only gratitude in your heart.  Do what makes you happy. Get up and dance.  Smile!

 “Cry, scream, love … Say it was worth it, that it hurt, that from now on it will only get better … Forgive, insist, love again … Don’t take life too seriously … Uncomplicate … Break rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly … Really love , laugh wildly and never regret anything that made you smile …”- Vinicius de Moraes