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Category Archives: Dating

Still confused, but willing to wait and see

17 Tuesday Jul 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Drop the idea of becoming someone, because you are already a masterpiece. You cannot be improved. You have only to come to it, to know it, to realize it.” ― Osho

G and I were supposed to go to dinner on Thursday night. After I had accepted his invitation I remembered I now have French classes on Thursdays. Then on the weekend he went to see his mother in another state. So it has been several days since we have seen each other.

This time apart is a good thing for both of us.  It help us reevaluate things.  I may see him tomorrow night for dinner.  If not, then I will definitely see him on Saturday.

In the meantime we have been texting daily, several times a day.  I wanted to talk about certain things in person, but I didn’t want to wait so one day a few days ago I asked all I wanted to ask via text.

By the end of that one day I was so emotionally drained, and I am not sure if we really got anywhere.  At least I got to say and ask all I wanted. I even complained that on Sunday he didn’t wake me up with fresh baked banana bread (something he keeps saying he does). I will just post a very brief summary here as I don’t want to emotionally exhaust everyone else.

“Longed for him. Got him. Shit.” – Margaret Atwood

I explained to him that our Saturday night together left me extremely disappointed and confused.  I felt unloved and unwanted.  I don’t believe I created these expectations out of thin air.  It was based on all he keeps saying and also on how our first 2 dates went.

I didn’t expect or want sex, but I expected and wanted tons of attention, romance and affection. Not to get even a kiss that was a little more than a peck was very confusing.

He said that he wanted to be respectful, and take things slow.  He felt that if we had started kissing on Saturday night it would have been hard to stop and we would probably do something we had agreed not to do.  I disagreed.  We are not kids, we can stop any time we want as we had stopped in the past.  In the end it feels like it is a battle of who is right, and that is so draining and pointless.

We agreed to disagree.  He apologized for the way he made me feel. Which makes me feel even worst now.  Now I feel like a beggar begging for affection.

“Never marry at all, Dorian. Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.”  – Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

He also mentioned that we hadn’t spoken about being safe, sexually speaking.  I am glad he brought it up as I wanted to at some point when sex was going to be a certainty. It is weird how sex keeps coming up a lot and it is not even happening.  Chances are it will be a very long time before it does, if it does.

Safety first always.  Coming to each other at this late in life it means that we had partners before and were exposed to other people and perhaps diseases.  Every July I get a clean bill of health from my doctor. I expect him to do the same.  I am too old to take unnecessary chances.

He talked too much about giving me pleasure and affection, but he meant down the road.  I want it now. Talking so much about how the future will be amazing sets us both for disappointment.  I mentioned to him I am like a 5 year old.  Don’t tell me you are taking me to Disneyland unless it is happening right now.  I cannot handle waiting for something that may or may not come.

He is also stuck on saying that he believes that it is better to like someone’s mind first, that love and chemistry will come. That is again confusing to me, as in the beginning he gave me the impression that he found me very attractive.  Now it seems he likes my mind and everything else more than my body.

I believe that you have to be attracted to someone physically first.  I believe that loving somebody’s intelligence, sense of humor, etc is never enough. Chemistry is the glue. He said that his longest relationship of 13 years the lady was not even his type at first.  He grew to love her.  That fact does not bring me peace as he expected it would. It seems forced.  It seems he knows I an amazing person and expects to grow to love me.  It is just not how I believe it should go, or it is.

I guess I just want to hear that he finds me beautiful and attractive.  In the end I am just a girl.

“It is not worth the while to let our imperfections disturb us always.”  – Henry David Thoreau

At the end of the day I know he is a great person.  We will continue to see each other and talk about our needs and wants.  I think he will continue to be in my life, perhaps just as a friend or perhaps more.  At this point I have no interest in being online and going on other dates.

Now to another point.  This whole situation also serves to highlight the fact that I am just not happy with my body at the moment.  I seem to be wanting other’s validation.  I want him to tell me I am perfect.  I have a mirror.  I know the truth.  While I do look great for my age, I know I could be better if I applied myself.  Knowing that I am not even trying at this moment is what is the most disheartening about myself.  I keep complaining and I don’t do anything about it.

Well, there is no sense in beating myself up.  I will make more of an effort from now on. I will be watchful to see if my actions are corresponding to how I want to be.

“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.” – Lao Tzu

 

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Second date and I am still excited

05 Thursday Jul 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I’d hoped to give you forever” – Nicholas Sparks

I hardly ever have a second date and normally it is just to confirm what I had already known:  that I am not into this person.  But this time it is different.

The second date was last Sunday.  I went to his house.  It is a bit crazy for me to go to someone’s house this early in a relationship but I really wanted to see his home. I love seeing how people live.  It tells me a lot about who they are.  Also, he had told me his house was freaking adorable, so yes I was curious.

I had no doubt I would be safe, so I had no reservations about going there.

His house is indeed adorable. It is small and cozy.  He knew I would like it as I mentioned to him that I like vintage stuff, woods and metals.  His house is filled with all kinds of artifacts, vintage furniture and art pieces he has done.

It was like a log cabin inside and covered in all kinds of nick knacks.  Every item has a story.  G. is by profession a carpenter, but his passion and talent lies in woodcarving and other artwork made out of driftwood.

I specially loved the backyard. It is so fairy-tale like with so many birds, and plants.  One side of the house is totally covered in ivy. I didn’t see the vegetable garden he has on the roof and I didn’t shower in the outdoor shower.  Those are saved for date # 3.

Since I was going to his house and our chemistry is crazy we talked about the subject of sex.   We decided that we would not rush into anything.  We will take it slow and easy.  There was plenty of kissing and snuggling but no sex.

I got there around 9:30am.  It took me 50 minutes to get there.  After a long hug and a peck on the lips he handed me a cup of coffee and proceeded to give me a tour of the house. That probably took a couple of hours.  Not that the house was big, it was that each item, each corner has history and a story.

We sat outside for awhile, talking about the plants and the birds.  Then we went inside and he proceeded to make brunch.  I watched him for awhile and offered to help.  He told me to lay down in his bedroom and just relax.  He said he would call me when it was time to butter the bread.   I did, and after awhile he called to butter the English muffins.

“The Very first moment I beheld him, my heart was irrevocably gone.”  – Jane Austen

The reason he said laid down on the bed versus sit down on the couch is that from the bedroom where the bed was one could see straight into the kitchen where he was.  I imagine that was the reason, because now looking back it seemed odd.  In the moment all was perfect, nothing awkward or weird about anything.

He made sauteed sweet potatoes, sausage, and eggs. I never cared for sweet potatoes.  I could take it or leave it.  But these were the best sweet potatoes I ever had.

It was probably already 3 pm by the time we were eating. After lingering over our empty plates we laid down on a bed he has in this covered back porch.  I am not sure how long we were there.  There was some kissing.  It was awesome, but we didn’t take it any further.  We both fell asleep at some point.  .

Later we sat in the living room and talked about his plans for the future regarding his art and some other projects.  I love people that pursue their passions, so I am glad he is doing that.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi

My sister called me at some point and told me: either you come home before it gets dark or you should stay there and come tomorrow morning.  I said: yes Mom.  I told him what my sister said and he said that I should leave soon.

I was a tad disappointed that he didn’t try to talk me into staying, but I understand his reasons.  While I would have no problem staying over it was too soon for that.  My sister trusts my judgement so she had no worries about me going over and potentially staying over.  For some reason her main concern was my driving in the dark.

We continue to text throughout the day and will see each other this Saturday.  I will probably go over his house again.  I rather go there and have him cook for me than to go to an expensive restaurant.  I am changing.

He is the type that is more at home around a campfire than at the opera, so if there is any area that potentially could there be a disagreement it would be the choice of vacation and entertainment.  I am open to do/try it all and he seems also, so eventually we will both be put through a test and see how our worlds mesh.

For now I am extremely happy to be getting to know him and seeing where this goes. I have made the decision not to look for potential problems.  I am not messaging or dating anyone else at this point.  He is not either.  We both are excited and want to give this a fair chance.

All I know is that I like him a whole lot and I don’t really know how to tone myself down with things I love.

“The very essence of romance is uncertainty.” – Oscar Wilde

 

And we hugged…

21 Thursday Jun 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“The seeker embarks on a journey to find what he wants and discovers, along the way, what he needs.” – Wally Lamb

I am sure some of you are curious to know what happened last night.

Yesterday’s date was very different from most of my previous blind dates.  I decided that we should meet at the Library and I would give him a tour of downtown New Rochelle and then just go to some bar.

I got to the park and didn’t immediately see him so I texted (he had emailed me his number a couple of hours before) as I searched for a face that would resemble the pictures I had seen.  Eventually I just called him and told him where I was.

All of a sudden I saw him appear far away.  I was nervous, excited, all at once.  He reached me and we both had huge smiles.  Probably relief that we both looked like our pictures.  I can’t remember if we said anything, perhaps just hi and we hugged each other. It was not a quick hug.  It was a hug like when you hug a loved one that you haven’t seen in ages. We stood like for awhile.

“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit” -e.e. cummings

Then we sat on a bench and made small talk.  He mentioned needing to pay for parking.  I am not sure why he hadn’t paid before.  We walked to the car and since I have the Parking App on my phone I said I would pay.

After paying he just pulled me to him and there was more hugging.  He said he was a hugger – no complaints from me.  Eventually we held hands and went in search of a place to have a drink.  The first place we passed by we didn’t like, then we came by a bar that I was always curious about it.

We got in and it was totally empty. It was darkly lit, cute, small, with some couches and some tall tables.  We sat at the bar.  An older woman appeared and greeted us.  She was pleasant, had blonde hair and bright make up on.  He wanted draft beer and they didn’t carry any. She suggested a drink that she makes called Rumba Juice. Mine was lemon flavored, his was pineapple.  The drink was tasty and refreshing.

We sat facing each other, taking turns talking about our lives and flirting non-stop.  We didn’t’ talk too much. I can’t quite remember all we talked about it.  We talked about his prior relationships and the last one that ended not too long ago.

I didn’t talk as much as I normally do.  Silence with him was okay.  It didn’t feel awkward, it felt natural. I didn’t feel the need, the compulsion, to pepper silence with words.

“Love is the voice under all silences, the hope which has no opposite in fear; the strength so strong mere force is feebleness: the truth more first than sun, more last than star…”  – E.E Cummings

It sounds really corny and cheesy but we were so into each other it was just crazy. There were pauses in the conversation where we just stared into each other eyes.  I don’t think there was a single second where we weren’t either holding hands or touching each other’s arms, knees or something like that.

There was more hugs throughout.  At one point he gave me a peck on the lips, and joked:  This is it, that is the whole extend of my kissing abilities.  I had told him that knowing how to kiss was a deal breaker for me.  I laughed.  I appreciate his humor.

Later on there was another kiss, a little more than a peck but nothing that would make anyone brush. It was good! Score!

I don’t remember all that was said but I remember exactly how he made me feel. I felt wanted, appreciated, understood, safe and most important, any time he hugged me, I felt I was home.  I felt that in his arms was where I belonged.

We liked each other and that was that and it was that simple.

The woman returned a couple of times and on an occasion she asked to take our picture.  I wish I had asked her to forward me that.  We looked good as a couple.  She is the owner and she has a couple of screens where she displays the photos of her customers.  She has been in business 17 year.  The Salon has her name, Silky.

I told her it was our first date and she was a bit surprised, mentioning that our body language told otherwise.  She asked our signs. I am an Aries and he is Gemini.  She warned him that Aries likes perfection, so that he better be ready to bring his best to the table.  She also said that Aries are never broke, even if they say they are they are lying.  All true.  She said that Gemini can fulfill Aries demands.  She said more but I can’t remember.  I will take her words as a seal of approval.

“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” – Dr. Seuss

After the drink,  and by then it was already after 10:30 and he had to drive 1 hour to get home, we left hand in hand.

We walked around a little bit and then we stopped by the back entrance of my building.  We stayed there for awhile just hugging. And kissing. A lot.  And it was amazing!

He texted me when he got home after getting lost for while. We were both giddy. We still are.

Today he is driving to another state to see his mother and then on to do a job.  We will see each other in 11 or 12 days.  The texting  and emailing will keep us connected.

I am choosing to ignore what a lot people may see as red flags.  It feels right, it makes me feel good.  I waited for it, I kissed frogs, I deserve it.  I am choosing to dwell in this sea of possibilities.

“…and when one of them meets the other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other’s sight, as I may say, even for a moment…” – Plato

Wherefore art thou Soulmate?

20 Wednesday Jun 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind I was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.”— Rumi

As I mentioned on my previous post I did meet M. for dinner on Saturday night. We went to an Italian restaurant after the original wine bar we were going to was closed due to a private party.  We had a couple of different types of pizza, but what I really enjoyed was the St. Germain, Vodka and lime cocktail I had. So refreshing!

M. was such a sweet man.  He was pleasant, grateful, fun.  There was no lack of conversation and I could tell he really liked me.  He gave me a quick peck on my lips when he said good night.

He wants to go on a second date.  I am still deciding.  My hesitation has to do with G, the other guy that I am exchanging emails with and I have yet to meet. I don’t want to give M. the false illusion that there is a future if my heart is already elsewhere.

G. seems likes the perfect guy for me. Someone that I could spend hours talking to, that would make me laugh and also rock my world between the sheets. He keeps surprising me with his intelligence, maturity and sense of humor. Of course I haven’t met him in person yet and everyone can look good on paper.

“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.” – Thomas Merton

We even haven’t exchanged phone numbers yet.  Which is awesome as I normally don’t like giving out my number before meeting. He thinks that if we did we would not do anything else just text the whole day. He is right. We both just want to meet asap.

I have been here before: where I thought a guy was so amazing and then all of a sudden he shows his true colors.  There is a mix of feelings going on.  At least if we never meet I can still go on dreaming and basking myself on the sea of possibilities.

BREAKING NEWS:  I am meeting G. tonight! It was a sudden decision because if we don’t meet tonight we have to wait another 12 days to meet as he is going away tomorrow morning.

I am rarely nervous before meeting anyone, but I am really nervous about meeting him. So much build up.  I am trying to talk myself into just relaxing and seeing what happens.  No expectations!  oh who am I kidding? All I have are expectations.

At least I am hoping to just not overthink this. I will not predict doom yet.  I promise to go in with an open mind.

I know my soulmate is out there and one day we will find each other.  Why not him and why not now?

“We recognize a soulmate by the supreme level of comfort and security we feel with that person. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t issues that remain to be ironed out. Rather, it means we know intuitively that we can resolve issues with our soul mate without losing his or her love and respect.” –  Linda Brady

 

This, That and Other

15 Friday Jun 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

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OVEREATING
On Wednesday night, my sister, a couple of friends and I went to Fuji Mountain, a hibachi restaurant in Larchmont, NY. We were there celebrating one of my friends birthday. It was a lot fun and the food was great. The best part is that she was so happy with being taken out for her birthday. I love making people happy.

Unfortunately I ate all of the dinner that was put in front of me plus dessert. At the moment I didn’t think; I just ate. Later I hated myself for overeating. It is becoming a pattern. I have to change that immediately.

“There is no love sincerer than the love of food.” – George Bernard Shaw, Man and the Superman

WORLD CUP
World Cup is here and I am so excited! I don’t care what teams are playing I will be watching. I have 2 screens at work. One is always showing a game and on the other one is work.

I love the passion and energy of the games. Of course I am hoping Brazil wins. We are the favorite but memories of the fiasco of the last time is not far from memory. I am not one to dismiss any opponent. Everyone is a threat. Everyone is deserving.

Unfortunately I will miss Brazil’s first game on Sunday as I will be helping a friend with her dance recital. She needs the help of volunteers to get the show done so I will not cancel on her. Hopefully there will be many more to watch. I will record it but it will be impossible not to know the result before I get home to watch it.

Let the best teams win. The ones with more heart, more passion, more hunger.

“I am not a perfectionist, but I like to feel that things are done well. More important than that, I feel an endless need to learn, to improve, to evolve, not only to please the coach and the fans, but also to feel satisfied with myself. It is my conviction that here are no limits to learning, and that it can never stop, no matter what our age.” – Cristiano Ronaldo

DATING
Things are fairly quiet as I haven’t spent much time on the dating sites. There is one guy, M, that I will be having dinner on Saturday night. He works in Management of some big University. I am not sure where we will be meeting yet.

I was somewhat excited about him until I got a message from G. His messages are just amazing. A combination of smarts, funny and sexy. He seems honest, serious, down to earth, etc. Yes I am getting all of that from a few emails 🙂

He asked me out Saturday during the day to go to this huge flea market 40 minutes away from me. I said no. I probably would have gone just for a change, even though I normally never travel for a first date. I am willing to change my mind on that and be flexible on a case to case basis.

I had already said yes to M. and I don’t like canceling on people just because I got another invitation.

The excitement normally turns to fear.  What if we like each other? Even before meeting G. I am already looking for reasons why this cannot work. We live too far, he likes camping, I like comfortable hotels, I love sports, he could take or leave it, etc.

I am reminding myself to breath, be in the moment and just go with the flow.

“And there’s also ‘To him that hath shall be given.’ After all, you must have a capacity to receive, or even omnipotence can’t give. Perhaps your own passion temporarily destroys the capacity.” – C.S. Lewis

Feelings hurt, bullets dodged and we move on

07 Thursday Jun 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“You cannot control the behavior of others, but you can always choose how you respond to it.” – Roy T. Bennett

The Nature Writer.  I decided not to go on a second date with him.  I called him and said that there was no romantic vibes for me. I offered friendship.

He listened to what I had to say and said he really didn’t have the time to date seriously and was interested in friendship. He thanked me for my honesty.

Several days later he sent me 12 text messages one after the other.  He went on and on on how he was hurt that I assumed he was interested in dating.  He was also angry that I said I was going to schedule a second meeting as friends but never did.

I didn’t reply. What do I say to that?  It was just senseless.  This seemed to be the texting of a 12 year girl and not an intelligent almost 60 year old man.

I no longer feel the need for people to understand me.  Now I just let it go and don’t spend the time and energy. 

“We’re all islands shouting lies to each other across seas of misunderstanding.”  – Rudyard Kipling

The concierge – I met a kind, nice gentleman. He works as a concierge in a building in Manhattan. We met at a dive bar called Trailer Park Lounge. Not a place I am used to going but it was fun and welcoming.

I ordered a burger and even before I was finished he mentioned he wanted to go to Dallas BBQ a block away.  He said he loved the drinks there.  The drink he ordered  was one of those tropical drinks with umbrellas that you get when you go on vacation to a tropical island (picture is at the top) . It did look delicious but I already had a drink at the other bar and decided to just drink water.

While he was the nice, there was zero chemistry for me.  He, on the other hand professed his love for me and wanted to see me again.  What do I say to a man that is sitting across from me telling me his entire life and already making plans for a future together?

When he asked me when he was going to see me again I didn’t have the heart to say: never.  I didn’t really say yes or no.  I said that he was going too fast and that I was feeling pressured.

I should have gone for honesty, but instead I expected him to get the hint.  He didn’t.

And right as I am typing this I get a text from him asking me what I had decided about going on a second date.   I told him that I didn’t feel any romance and that I knew he didn’t want to be friends. I mentioned how great I thought he was but I was not feeling it.

He replied and I quote: “I bet you say that to everyone. Thank you for wasting my time”.  Not only he texted me that but he also wrote me a message online.

Well, he is right.  It is what I tell almost everyone because it is often the truth.

“The text has disappeared under the interpretation.” – Friedrich Nietsche

The realtor –  The one I mentioned in a couple of posts ago. I described how on the first date he kept trying to kiss and hug me even after I told him numerous times to stop.  Still I was wondering if I should go on a second date or not, as I thought perhaps there was potential if he would keep his hands to himself.

That is until I get a text that says: “I would like to schedule our second hug”.  Clearly he is not listening and has only physical interaction on his mind.

Needless to say there will not be a second date or hug.

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”  – George Bernard Shaw

I am not taking the replies from the above guys personally.  It is coming from a place of pain.  They thought I would be their future and I turn out to be just one date.  I have been there.  I have been on dates where I thought all it was perfect and then I  never heard from them again.

I am feeling blessed.  I think I dodged a few bullets.

I find myself in a conundrum.  I want to have an open mind and go on dates with guys that at first glance are not really my type but that perhaps will surprise me, and yet I see the need now to be even more discriminating.

“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.” – E.E. Cummings

 

 

No More Miss Nice Girl

04 Monday Jun 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.” – Henry David Thoreau

I was watching a Roland Garros tennis match on TV the other day. A player was easily winning when he missed an easy shot.  His game then totally fell apart and he went on to lose the match.

I remember when I was learning to play tennis the instructor said to me right after I had missed a shot:  “Forget that ball and move on.”

He used to say that trying to figure out what I did wrong on that last play or to keep admonishing myself about a mistake would just cause me to lose focus and lose the next point.

I think that it was what happened to that player.  That mistake stayed in his mind and it prevented him from concentrating on the next point.

I am applying that thinking to my relationships.  Sometimes I keep trying to dissect a failed relationship to see where I went wrong.  Or I keep thinking about the person that is gone in the hope that he will return.

“Be here now.” – Ram Dass

I should let go of the last relationship and focus on the current one, or in the search of the next one.

Concentrating on something in the past that I have no control over only keeps me from being 100% present in the here and now.

I realize that even though I am trying to be in the moment,  I keep leaving the door open for the past to be flooding back.

“The past can’t hurt you anymore, not unless you let it.”  – Alan Moore

I always thought it was cold or mean to close the door on people.  I keep hoping that I can be friends with everyone.  But if they have already hurt, disrespected, mistreated me in some way in the past why give them a chance to do it again?

I keep writing about guys from the past contacting me over and over again.  Just last week Peter, remember, the guy I went to the Opera with.  You can just go to my Home page and search for Peter and you can see all the posts about him.  He texted me saying hello.  I replied.  We exchanged a few texts.  Then a few days later he called me twice, but didn’t leave any message when I didn’t answer. Wisely I didn’t call back, but I was tempted.

Why did I bother replying to that text? What is the point?  I didn’t want to ignore him, or anyone for that matter.

“No man is rich enough to buy back his past.” – Oscar Wilde

I want to be nice and kind to all.  I want to treat all as I want to be treated.  If I send someone a message I hope to get a reply.  I want to believe in forgiveness and redemption.

But perhaps there is something else at play.  Perhaps besides my need to be nice, I also entertain “hope”.  The hope that this person has returned changed.  He now sees what he is missing and will act accordingly.

As they say:  You don’t know what you’ve got until it is gone.  They are back because they miss me or so I tell myself.

“If it’s over, then don’t let the past screw up the rest of your life.” – Nicholas Sparks

But it torments me.  I started thinking about him again.  I start thinking what if.

It never works out that way.  Whatever they were guilty of before they will do it again.  I did not call Peter back and I will not reply if he reaches out again.  He and anybody else from the past.

It will be really hard to ignore a text, call or email, but I feel I need to do it.  I need to choose me and my sanity.   I need to be free and clear of all the men from the past.  I will shut the door on all those past relationships once and for all.

I am tired of leaving the door open for the past to sneak in and wreak havoc again.

“When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago.”  – Friedrich Nietzsch

 

 

Dates, friends and the whatnots

24 Thursday May 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Dental Issues: I had a laser treatment called Lapip done to try to save a couple of implants I have. I had several shots of local anesthesia so other than the pain of the needle there was only minor discomfort afterwards. Now, fingers crossed and invoking the help of angels, I pray that it will work. Otherwise I will need to return and have the implant(s) removed. Please send me a positive vibe. 🙂

Cheating?
Not even close. My married pal and I have been keeping the texting strictly platonic.   We haven’t texted much, but when we do it, it is mostly fun and platonic.

In the beginning it seemed that things would veer off the friendship course and into the sexual realm. Incredibly and happily, they did not.

I realized that I can be quite an instigator. Once I started paying more attention to what I was saying/writing and staying away from innuendos, he caught on and toned things down also.

“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.”  – Paulo Coelho

It was good for me to realize that I needed to take accountability for my actions and to realize that it was all up to me.  I am not a victim, this time or ever.

It feels good to just be friendly without the added pressure of wondering if it will go any further.

Trips down memory lane are a waste of time and energy. They don’t add anything to my present or future. It glamorizes a time that perhaps it was not even that great, but the absence of it makes it appear so.

“Yet in opinions look not always back,–
Your wake is nothing, mind the coming track;
Leave what you’ve done for what you have to do;
Don’t be “consistent,” but be simply true.” – 
― Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr. 

Friends with Benefits?
Not really full benefits, just a little perk every now and then.

Last Thursday my doctor friend and I got together again for dinner. This time it was just food, drinks and conversation.  We went to Rio Bravo in Larchmont, NY.  It was late and all the other places we wanted to go to were already closing their kitchens.  That is the problem with the suburbs… the kitchens close at 9:30.  The food and service was great.

We normally talk about everything, life, philosophy, spiritualism, etc.  Sometimes there is flirting, sometimes there is not.  This time there was no flirting or kissing.  It was equally fun.  I enjoy his company period.

I don’t think many people would understand it, but so far it works for us.   The deep, meaningful conversations is what I treasure most.  Kissing may happen or may not, and it hardly makes a difference.

“There can be no life without change, and to be afraid of what is different or unfamiliar is to be afraid of life.” – Theodore Roosevelt

I know, it is still crazy for me that I am okay with that.  It is crazy to discover this new side of me.  I normally like thinks defined, black or white, yes or no.  To find out that I am perfectly okay with this situation is freeing.

I think it works because, not only I don’t expect anything more than what it is, I don’t want it either.  I like things just the way they are.

This feels exactly like what freedom should taste like. There is this calm, no pressure, no expectation and I love it!!

“Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.” – Anthony Robbins

Dating?
Some.

Last Monday I met the Nature/Science writer.  We went to Wine 34, a fun, as the name would indicate, wine bar on 34th street. The food and drinks were great. He is very smart and loves to talk so there was no silent moments.  There was no hint of romantic chemistry for me.  He wants a second date. I didn’t give a final answer yet, but I think there will be no second date.  I don’t want to waste his or my time. And even worst, I don’t want to give him false hope.

Last night I finally met the realtor that I have been speaking to for the past couple of months.  I give him credit for his patience and not giving up.  We went to Favela Cubana near Washington Square Park.  As the name would hint at, the food was Brazilian and Cuban.  Some dishes were good, but the pao de queijo was awful. My date had 3 Bloody Marys and a gin and tonic. I had a passion fruit caipirinha and then I tried a drink made with St. Germain, which is a liquor that I enjoy.  They were both good.

He was a very nice guy and the jury is still out on if there will be a second date or not, but I am leaning towards not.  He kissed me, a quick peck on the lips and that was okay.  But then he just kept wanting to kiss me again.  There is nothing more annoying to me than to keep saying no to someone.  What is the rush?  I hate feeling pressured.

The data architect is still in the picture.  We haven’t met again due to our conflicting schedules.  I don’t detect romance but he is just such a nice person and with all this texting we have become friends.  I think I will meet again and see what happens.

“The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.” – Albert Einstein

Is this cheating or just a harmless trip down memory lane?

17 Thursday May 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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My soul is a hidden orchestra; I know not what instruments, what fiddlestrings and harps, drums and tamboura I sound and clash inside myself. All I hear is the symphony.” – Fernando Pessoa

On May 1st, while at the casino with my mom I got a text from a ghost from the past.  This one: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2017/10/20/determined-and-no-longer-feeling-lost/

We hadn’t spoken in over a year.  Back then, as that post described, I felt it was not smart to continue exchanging messages with him.  Our texting, or should I call it sexting since most of what we talked about would make most people blush, no longer seemed appropriate.

I always enjoyed the texting as it was laced with the possibility of all happening again, but then he was an engaged man.  I could not longer deny that he was an unavailable man.  Reliving the past was no longer a possibility.  I thought we could just text as friends but, when, without missing a beat, he made a sexually flirty comment I asked for a break. I felt offended, used and possibly a little hurt that he had chosen to marry someone else (if I am to be completely transparent).

He obliged and never reached out until now.  For some reason I knew we would speak again and I was actually surprised it took him this long to text.  I was also firm on my resolve to ignore him if he ever reached out again.

That resolve completely disappeared the moment he reached out with the excuse that he thought he had seen me walking down 34th street as he was going by in a cab. I hesitated for half a second, then replied.  Seeing his name on my phone made me happy.  Enough time had gone by that I was no longer hurt.

“I have found both freedom and safety in my madness; the freedom of loneliness and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us.” – Kahlil Gibran

I miss him.  We were friends for a long time.  The dating/sex stuff was part of it, but I like to believe that we had a strong connection even outside of that.  We have a history and good memories that we are both fond of.  I don’t think he lied to me.  I think he didn’t volunteer a lot and, honestly, I probably didn’t want to know.   I was telling myself that the girlfriend was not serious.  Sometimes ignorance is bliss.  Until it bites us on the face. Face bites are painful and hard to ignore!

We now have been texting every now and then, and getting very near to the conversations of the past.  I know what he is after.  It is the same thing that attracts me to him.  No, it is not sex.  It is the idea of sex.  It is the excitement and possibilities of sex.  It is the memories of the sex we had before.  He, I am sure, doesn’t want to risk his marriage.  Me, I am sure, I don’t want to carry the karma of messing up a marriage.

He knows exactly how to make me weak in the knees.  Just the idea of him still does it for me.  I know exactly how to push his buttons and make him forget his name and his way home.  He is probably already bored in his marriage and I miss that incredible chemistry we had.  I miss the idea of him.  I miss being intimate with someone, even if it is just in memories.

Then I look in the mirror and staring back at me is fraud, is phony, is hypocrisy.  This is a slippery road.  I am flirting with disaster.  I have been cheated on before.  I know the pain.  I don’t want to cause it on anyone for any reason.  I know we will not be physical with each other but talking about it seems harmful enough, or is it harmless?  When is cheating really cheating? What counts as cheating?

what we could be
if we stopped
carrying the remains
of who we were.” – Tyler Knott Gregson

And here I am writing this in the hopes that you will absolve me and give me permission to make trips down memory lane with this one person.  I want you to tell me that it is okay if sometimes the conversation veer into the past, and into x-rated territory.

I sit here, shameful and blameless, absolving myself and assuming full blame.  It is not easy to ignore his texts.  I don’t want to ignore his texts.  But do I have to?  Why can I explore a playful side without any consequences?

Who am I kidding?  There is a consequence to every action. Even if I want to look the other way.

Here I am again confusing drama with excitement and trying to blur the lines.  If I am intent on making a mistake, shouldn’t I go out and make new ones, and therefore learn new lessons?

I know the answer to all the questions swirling around in my mind.  I have a moral compass that sometimes I wish would just take a day off.

It is just that sometimes getting burn seems like a much better proposition than the mundane nothingness of everyday.

“Oh Sometimes I want a quiet life, other times I want to go a little bit fucking Gatsby.” Atticus

 

Am I getting a friend with benefit? Have I become that person?

11 Friday May 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.” – Henry David Thoreau

Am I getting a friend with benefit? Have I become that person?  .. Well not quite, but inching closer.

I broke a record last night. I had 4 drinks. I had 3 passion fruit mojitos and 1 frozen cosmopolitan. I don’t think I ever had that many drinks in one single evening before but in my defense we started at 5 pm, so it was in the course of a long night. I have never gotten drunk in my life, and yesterday was no exception. I didn’t even feel tipsy.

Getting up at 5:45am this morning after going to bed after midnight was no fun. However I am so completely happy. I needed that night out. I needed to let my hair down. I needed to get caught in the rain. I needed to feel alive.

Last night I met my doctor friend at the Pampano Restaurant in NYC. This is where we went last time we got together. That last time was an impromptu dinner date. I had been to his office and he had asked me if I wanted to grab dinner. We walked around NYC until we stumbled into Pampano. We were happy we did. So when he asked me if I wanted to return there I happily said yes. I had been dreaming about their passion fruit mojitos.

We had been talking about getting together since that last time. He seemed eager to see me. All of a sudden his texting seemed to have more kissing icons and then there was his calling me love and sweetie. Was he always like that and I just only now noticed? At any rate I just joined in, welcoming the attention.

We met at 5pm and sat at the bar for about 1 hour then we moved upstairs to have dinner. We love everything about that place. The food, the service, everything was impeccable. We had fish for every course, halibut, tuna and groper. We enjoyed them all. For dessert we had the Mexican chocolate cake and it was so yummy.  He also had Mexican coffee and I had a couple of sips of that.  I had never tried it before and it was surprisingly good and stronger than all of the other drinks.

Besides a quick 5 minutes on how I am doing with my gluten free diet (poorly) and taking my vitamins (better), we mostly talked about life and being in the moment.  Contrary to the last time we were there, this time included a lot of flirting. I knew and he knew that kissing was a just a matter of time. It happened right before the dessert. I got up to go to the ladies room and he pulled me to him and kissed me. I kissed him again upon returning to the table.

When we left the restaurant we decided to walk around the area and find a cute bar to go into. It started to drizzle and we just walked in the rain holding hands and stopping to kiss at times.

“Happiness, not in another place but this place…not for another hour, but this hour.” – Walt Whitman

I was in the moment, truly enjoying every second of it. The attention, the alcohol, the kissing, the rain, everything contributed to make it all perfect.

I know we are not a couple and I know we will not be a couple. Nothing has changed, and I am okay with that. In fact, I want that. I don’t want things to change. I want to remain friends.

It is hard to explain. I like him. He likes me. We have deep, amazing conversations. He challenges me and I challenge him. He lets me know when I am not being in the moment or when I let my ego get in the way of things. I point out when he is not behaving as he preaches. We have similar ideas about life and what we want to do now and upon retirement. We are both so grateful and incredibly aware of the blessings we have been given.  Somehow all of that doesn’t seem enough to make a romantic relationship work. Actually, not even that. All that is not enough for him to want a relationship with me.

In the past I questioned that.  I didn’t ask him.  I spend time trying to figure that out.  As I mentioned before, we attempted dating in the past, around 3 years ago. I was more into him than he was into me, or perhaps into being in a relationship. When he disappeared I understood that he didn’t want anything serious. I was upset for a little bit but decided to get over it. When he came back, I welcomed him back as a friend. We didn’t talk about his disappearance, we also didn’t resume the romance part of it. It was strictly friends. Until last night.

I see now that in the past I took things personally, trying to find a fault, a reason why he didn’t want to continue dating. I am no longer even curious about that. I realize things are just as they should be. Even though on paper and on a date here and there we may look perfect together I think that we could never make it far as a couple.

Last night we added kissing to our friendship. I know that it may blur the lines or make things messy but I think I can handle it. Somehow, and perhaps foolishly, I believe we both can just have this kissing every now and then not affect or change anything. Of course everything remains to be seen.

“I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can’t see from the center.” – Kurt Vonnegut

I just need to make sure that kissing is all that there will ever be. Sex creates drama and casual sex is not for me. I know myself and know I would get emotionally attached.  I would have expectations.

To finish the evening we walked into a place called Lips. It turned out to be a Drag Queen show place. It was towards the end of the show but we still got to see the host telling some jokes, and then Mary J. Blige and Lady Gaga. It was so much fun. The place was very welcoming the moment we walked in. I would definitely return.

After that we took an Uber to where he had parked his car and he drove me home.

I love that I have no expectations and that I am perfectly fine with things the way they are. I will definitely see him again, perhaps for dinner or brunch, perhaps with kissing or without it. Maybe next week, or in a few months.  And it will be fine and enjoyable.

It is wonderful to discover that I can change.  That I can be accepting. That I can be okay with living on surprises and having no expectations. I feel stronger emotionally.  Things can be more than black and white. The present moment can actually be better than the expectations I have for the future.

Here is to blurring lines and being okay with it!

“Don’t live the same day over and over again and call that a life. Life is about evolving mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.” – Germany Kent