Category Archives: Dating

What is so bad about being being positive?

07 Wednesday Jun 2017

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My sister arrived at the end of May with my best friend from High School. My friend will stay until the end of June and my sister will live here. So far things have been busy with shopping and sightseeing. Once my friend leaves then we will probably settle into some sort of routine. All is up in the air until she gets a job.
I am trying to adjust to this new normal. It is hard to go from living alone to living with your sister. It requires patience on both sides. We are, of course, both Aries, which makes this relationship even trickier. But love wins and we have plenty of that for each other.
***
Another day, another mouse. Yeah I had a dead one in the trap right near my desk…way too close for comfort. There is actually a gentleman here that gets them for me now, he comes in later so the mouse has to sit and wait for him. I don’t know what I will do if he takes a day off lol
At least I am finding humor in the situation.
Work has been tough lately. At times it feels that 17 years in the same job is long enough. At others I feel blessed I am employed. I guess there is no perfect job, but I am telling the Universe that I am ready for a change, for a challenge.
***
Since I have been very busy this year with guests at my home I barely had any time for dating, and even blogging.

The beer loving guy (from a couple of posts ago) asked me out on a third date and I actually had said yes. But the evening before we were scheduled to meet my mother was not well and I mentioned to him that I didn’t know if I would be able to meet. That evening we exchanged several texts as I was nervous about making sure my mom was okay and was glad to have someone outside of the situation to talk to. Much later that evening I wrote several texts and he never replied again and next day never inquired about my Mom or if I would be able to meet, so I just let that go. I already knew that going on a third date would have been a mistake.

I met a widower. He will be 60 this year which seems very old for me since I seem to have more chemistry with younger guys, but since he was local I decided to meet him. I was surprised to find myself thinking about him even now after a few dates. We both seem excited about each other but then there is all the miscommunication we normally have in person and on text. It seems I always say something that he deems too serious or too deep.

I think he finds me preachy when I start spewing my optimism around. He tells me that I should stop having these serious conversation and we should just have fun. It has been over 2 years since his wife passed. I don’t think there is a deadline for the person to stop grieving but I know it will be hard to date someone still stuck there.

For a few years right after my break up I was still mourning the end of the relationship and that doesn’t even compare with the death of a spouse. So I sympathize and understand.

While I agree that we should just have light-hearted dates and conversation I wonder if I am capable of doing that. I am growing increasingly tired of him always telling me I am too serious or too deep when all I am doing is replying to his comments in the way that I feel.  He says I should say exactly how I feel, but when I do I am too deep.

After yet again being told I was taking things too serious the other day and not speaking/texting the last couple of days I reached out today to say hello. Soon the conversation went south.

He has a teenage daughter and he mentioned that his goal was to dance at her wedding and then he was ready to go. I clarified what he meant by ready to go and indeed it was what I though, he would be ready to die.

I said that he was too young for that kind of talk and that we needed to get him more goals. I mentioned how 60 is the new 50 or even 40 and I said that I needed goals too.
I said that I used to pressure myself to have goals and go after them but that lately I decided not put any pressure on myself and just have faith in God’s timing and guidance.  I also mentioned that until we have better goals we should have fun chasing weird ones, such as which restaurant has the best wine list (he enjoy wine).

I guess the word “God” may have been too much for him, as his reply was, and I quote: “Too deep. Let’s talk about it another time.” To which I just replied: “ok sorry” and he said: “No problem. Actually in a good mood today.”

Even though he seems like a great guy, I don’t think I can put up with not saying what I think and not trying to get somebody to stop only seeing gloom and doom. I find my honesty, clarity, positivism, optimism and upbeat attitude some of the best parts of me, and don’t want to bury them down.

He feels betrayed by God, and I am of the belief of never blaming God as there is always a plan.

I am not taking the first step in contacting him again and perhaps pushing for something he is not ready for. So we shall see if this story ends here or if there will be more chapters.

“The darker the night, the brighter the stars,
The deeper the grief, the closer is God!” Do― Dostoevsky

Apprehensive, but still grateful

05 Friday May 2017

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“Eventually all things fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moments, and know EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.” – Albert Schweitzer

CAR

A decision has been made and I am now driving a Honda HRV (the CRV’s little brother).  I have chosen to lease it and the color I picked is Mulberry.  Mulberry is the color of eggplant and depending on how the light hits it it appears black.   Psychologically I like owning things, paying for something and then returning it feels like a waste of money, but I decided to step out of my comfort zone and go for it.  I was attracted by the low monthly payments ($160.00) and the fact that I will not have to spend money with maintenance.

I was able to find a parking space for my other car.  It is at a municipal lot a few blocks from my home.  It was just sheer luck to get it and I am so happy things have fallen in place.

So far I am very happy with the new car.  It is very different from driving a 30 year old Mercedes.   I will eventually sell the Mercedes as having 2 cars is just silly and an unnecessary expense.  Paying for insurance, parking space and maintenance adds up.  I don’t know how much it is worth so I don’t know how much to ask, until then I am keeping it.

Feeling blessed, telling myself not to take things for granted.  Being grateful and realizing that hard work pays off.  Hard works gives us options and possibilities.

MOM

After another trip to Brazil Mom has returned with me to stay 1 month.  It is crazy and sad to see how age has finally caught up with her.  She just turned 82 on May 1st and even though she looks amazing and much younger than that, the truth is the 82 is a big number.  She has many issues: Lower back pain, diabetes, hypothyroidism, high blood pressure, heart disease, but was doing very well until a couple of years ago when she had a mild night time stroke.  Since then she has never been 100%.

It is hard for me to see her weak and frail.  The passage of time is merciless.  It is a reminder of life’s finite quality and the value of time.  Could my mother’s health be better now if she had paid more attention to her diet and lifestyle? Am I doing all I can to have a good aging process?  The answer to that last question is a resounding no.

I go out of my way for my family. At this moment I am taking my mom to a traditional Chinese doctor and paying an arm and a leg for a Chinese tea that is supposed to improve her health.  No worries I am not that gullible but I do believe in western medicine.  Also I know 3 people that have gone to this doctor and all have had great results.  If there is a chance of any improvement to my mother’s situation I am willing to try.

I believe in the power of faith.  Mom and I believe that this tea (combined with acupuncture and cupping) will help.  She is still taking all the medication prescribed by the regular doctors, she is eating better, and making sure she is not overdoing physically (she tends to be stubborn like me and think that she can do it all).

I feel powerless and keep reminding myself that I am not in control of anything.  I can only do my best, the rest is up to God.

Knowing that  time is limited makes each second more valuable.  Wasting time is no longer an option.

DATING

I am still online but any time my mother is here I spend most of my free time with her instead of meeting new people.

I am getting to the conclusion that it is becoming harder for me to find The One for me.  Not because of them, but because of me.  I have established a pretty nice, comfortable life and I am not about to let anyone in without making sure that they will be an addition to it.

How can I be sure of anything without taking a leap of faith?  I thought that I really wanted someone and that I was willing to be vulnerable and put myself out there.  Now I am not so sure.  I put myself out there physically but emotionally I am probably more guarded than ever.  Time to re-think and re-evaluate.

Being vulnerable, being able to trust, willing to risk being hurt are all some of the price for the chance of experiencing love.  There is no

Collecting disappointments, I mean, lessons!

18 Tuesday Apr 2017

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When you think you have a new friend they show their true colors.  I was happy that I had finally gotten a dance partner.  I had a couple of dates with him, then I felt he was playing games and decided that I was not interested in him romantically. I wrote about him in the past.  Still we decided to became friends and dance partners.

Now I realized that he was never okay with my not wanting to date him.  Last Wednesday after dance class I had agreed to go to dinner with him.  He always wants to go to dinner after class but I often decline.  This time I said yes.

At dinner he was curious to find out about my second date with this one guy I had mentioned to him.  Since we had become friends I thought it was okay to share dating stories with him.  I told him about the date and why there were probably not going to be a third date in the future.  He took that opportunity to tell that I am too hard on people.  That I don’t give men a chance.

From there he proceeded to say what a rude person I was.  He said that he couldnt wait for the classes to be over because I had been rude from day 1.  I was shocked!  For a minute I searched my brain for an instance that I could have been rude to him, and I just couldnt find.

I was so shocked with and how he was telling me that tears started running down my face. He was being so rude and harsh, I should have gotten up and walked away, instead I sat down and cried.

I asked him to tell me of a time where I had been rude and after he searched his brain for awhile he said that I would keep pushing his arm up.  I used to do that to remind him to keep his posture and he never had any problem with that.

From the first dance lesson he has been always apologetic for not keeping up and I always go out of my way to tell him that there is no problem.  That I enjoy going and getting reminded of the dance steps.  I always trying to compliment him and say he is getting better and not to show any disappointment.

For a few minutes I thought to myself: is it possible that I have been this rude and never realized

After a sleepless night I realized that I can be too honest and upfront but I have never been rude to him.  If anything I have been extra nice to him.

I wasted my money on lessons where I learned nothing because it was all focused on him learning to get to my level.

I have bought him 4 books to help him deal with his daughter and life.  I have spent hours after class talking to him, letting him vent and providing advice.  I have been nothing but supportive.  All of a sudden for him to attack me was not only shocking it was uncalled for.  He was the rude one for making me cry and not even apologizing.

After he said what he said he also said that he wants to take the last lesson (we have one left).  I said you can go ahead and take it alone.  If I have been so awful why endure one more lesson.

I told the dance instructor about it. And the first thing she asked was if he was not interested in me.  She also said that perhaps he will call and apologize, which an apology this late in the game is meaningless to me.

I think that he was interested in lessons because he wanted to date me, and since I havent changed my mind and will not change my mind he lashed out on me, on behalf of every guy I turned down before, I guess.

I accept criticism and the truth but in this case there is no truth to it.

I was hurt for a couple of days, but now I am over it.  I will not accept someone disrespecting me and talking to me in such a way.  I deserve better and in my life there is no room for poor treatment.

I am just disappointed that I thought of him as a friend.  And he was just a snake in the grass.  But I am happy that I got to find his true colors now.

Friends may fight, disagree and not see eye to eye, but friends to not go out of their way to hurt you, belittle you, and make you feel insignificant.  That is not a friend, that is an insecure person that to feel good about themselves they need to put another person down. Run. 

 

Birthdays, car choices, honesty and little embarrassments

05 Wednesday Apr 2017

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“It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.” – Lewis Carroll

Another birthday and a ghost’s visit!

My birthday came and went on March 28, 2017.  It was uneventful.  Cupcakes at work and that is it.  The “that is it” is not disappointment, it is just what it is.  I was going to treat myself to a massage but it was rainy and cold and I got home and got lazy.

Many of my friends didn’t remember it, and really, I am ok with that, but everyone likes to be remembered.   I forget everyone’s birthday so I never expect anyone to remember mine.

Ex, the one that was the cause of this blog starting sent me 2 emails.

He sent me a long one the day before my birthday.  And on the day he sent me a shorter one talking about how we met. Saying how grateful he was that I said yes and he and his son asked me out to lunch.  I would find it poetic if I was not so annoyed at his audacity.

Why? Why? Why?

Of course I didn’t reply and I will not ever.  It is in the past, I have forgiven and moved on.

***

To be or not to be honest

All has been quiet in the dating area.  I have had a date here and there but nothing that I thought it was worth pursuing.

The last guy that asked me on a second date I turned him down even though the first date was a lot fun.   It was days before my birthday and he even bought me a small gift at the gift shop at the Botanical Garden.

When he asked me on a second date I was honest and said he was great but that I didn’t feel there would be any romance in our future.  He never replied.

Should I have gone on a second date knowing that I had no interest in him romantically?  To me that would be deceitful.  But perhaps if I had gone on a second date it would show to him that at least I had made more of an effort.

 

I never want to waste anybody’s time under false pretenses.

“It’s discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.” – Noel Coward

***

Buy or Lease

I am now serious about getting a second car.  I don’t need 2 cars, but for now I don’t want to sell my 30 year old baby (560SL).  I didn’t get a second car yet because I am having trouble locating a garage or parking space to store my current car.

I think I have decided on the Honda HRV (a tad smaller than the CRV).  The other 2 cars in the running were the Subaru Cross-trek and the Jeep Renegade.  The reasons why those were the cars in the running is because I wanted a small (narrow) car that would drive well in the winter.

I can’t decide if I should buy or lease.  Psychologically I always liked the idea of owning things but this time I am thinking of leasing.

The pros for me about leasing:

  • Smaller monthly payments
  • After 3 years return and get a new one, so I don’t have to deal with repairs as a car gets old

The pros for me about buying:

  • After 3 years I don’t have to worry about returning the car and coming up with another down payment for another lease
  • At the end of 5 years or less (if that is how long I finance) the car is mine

Any advice?  Opinions?

***

To tell or not to tell?

The other day I was with a co-worker at the bagel store as a man passed by me I noticed his zipper was open and I mentioned it to him.

My co-worker, who was a male, looked embarrassed and told me that I should have not said anything.  I asked him: If your zipper was open do you want someone to tell you or not and he said no.  I, on the hand, always want someone to tell me if my zipper is open, if I have food on my teeth or any other potentially embarrassing situation.

What at about you?  Do you want someone to tell you or would you rather find out later on your own?

***

“Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.” – Roy T. Bennett

 

 

Dating in the age of Google

26 Sunday Mar 2017

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“And suddenly you know: It’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.”  – Meister Eckhart

I am excited about someone… and also scared.  Do you know how you have been wanting something for so long and then you get it and you start questioning if you really wanted it in the first place?

I think it is fear creeping in.  My life is good, predictable, comfortable.  My heart is right here where I can guard it.  Do I want to just hand it to someone else?  Do I want to chance it again?  Do I want to risk being cheated on, betrayed, my heart broken and my mind crippled?

I can see I already am in my “let’s find something wrong with this person”mode so that I can continue to be alone.   That involves infinite googling.  And I did. And I found. Not about him, but about a relative.  I decided to relax a bit, to take a day at a time, and not to hold him accountable for the sins of others.

We are from 2 completely different worlds, but it seems that we appreciate some of the same qualities, such as honesty and respect.  Even though I mostly have good to great dates, what made this date amazing was that immediately it was if we have been best friends forever.  Not only that, but there were sparks from the get go.

Our date was yesterday, Friday, St. Patrick’s Day.  We met at the corner of my work and from there we walked to a Korean Restaurant that was awesome.  It had a fun vibe and they had an amazing passion fruit drink.  We had so much fun there that we didn’t want the date to end.

From there we went to his apartment where dropped his bag off.  I never did that before and I don’t recommend it, but I knew this guy enough and knew I would have no issues going into his apartment.  And I didn’t.  We walked in he dropped his bag off, I went to the bathroom, and then we left.  We went to another 2 different bars/pubs and we danced and laughed.  Then he took me to the train station.  We said good bye dying to see each other again.

oh yeah, we kissed and the world seemed to stop.  I can’t wait for the second date.

“Don’t you long for something different to happen, something so exciting and new it carries you along with it like a great tide, something that lets your life blaze and burn so the whole world can see it?”  – JulietMarillier

The above was written the day following that date.  And here, a week later,  the story continues, or should I say, it ends:

After our mutual excitement to see each other he mentioned he would meet at the corner of my work like the first date unless he came up with other plans.

Then on the afternoon of the date he gave me the name of a Pub near my office to meet him.  The place was very loud and busy.  I got there 3 minutes after him and he already had a beer in his hand.  I ordered a drink, but I was thinking that we would eventually leave to go to a restaurant where we didn’t have to yell to talk to each other.

Slowly it dawned on me that this was the date.

Then he makes a point of telling me what a big lunch he had and that he will not eat anything the rest of day/night.   And I thought ours was a dinner date.

The whole vibe was off.  We managed to talk but it was not easy like the first date.

As the evening progressed I knew that was that last time I would see him.  There was a certain sorrow and sadness in that realization, mixed with relief and elation.

I am not sure what had changed, but it did. Perhaps I was already biased by what I found online about his relative (which he confirmed was true).  Perhaps it was the cheap beer and lack of food.  Perhaps because after talking more I realized that we don’t really want the same things in life and have different views about certain subjects.

Perhaps I have too many expectations, but I expected more from a guy that was dying to see me.   Specially after an amazing first date, I thought the second would be even better. I don’t mind cheap places and just meeting for a drink, but let me know that is the plan.

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” – Alexander Pope

After being in this bar for over 2 hours, I had 2 small drinks and he had 6 beers.  He walked me to the train station.  We hugged good bye and he said it was an awesome date, and I said:  No it was not.  That seemed to shock him, but it shouldn’t have, after all he was there with me.

Still we have texted niceties since yesterday but that is it.  I had intentions of inviting him to go watch a friend sing tonight, but after last night it seems our worlds are farther apart then I had previously thought.

He is still a great guy, but not for me.  There wasn’t anything horrendous about his actions, and he will probably make another girl very happy. But to me the magic and chemistry was broken and I don’t think we can get it back. It is all about how a person makes you feel, and he made me feel irrelevant.

And then all of a sudden my heart is not going anywhere and I am surrounded by the comfort and safety of being alone again.

And the search continues…

“We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and—in spite of True Romance magazines—we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely—at least, not all the time—but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.” – Hunter S. Thompson

Back from the cold and into the colder

19 Sunday Mar 2017

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The view from my room at the Beaver Run in Breckenridge, CO

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

I have been back from my vacation in Breckenridge, Colorado for one week now, but it feels more like an old memory.  Work, family, life takes over immediately.

Before my trip I was not even sure if I was going to be able to ski due to my issues with back, hip and TOS-neck/shoulder/arm pain.  I am glad to say that I skied and took lessons 4 afternoons.

On the last day the instructor took us on blues and I could feel the fear creeping in.  When that happens I lose my form and everything starts hurting.   So later when he decided to go on harder blues I decided that was enough for me.   I just aspire to be more comfortable on skis and go at my own pace.  I really have no desire to do harder blues and blacks at this point, if that happens it happens.  It is not necessary for me to be enjoy skiing.

I love the thrill, the challenge and the freedom of skiing! So just being there on skis is amazing to me.

While there I met with couple of guys that had contacted me through an ad I placed on Craigslist.  And I must stress here that I am extremely safe when being on Craigslist.  I only communicate with people that I can ascertain that they are who they say they are.

I met 3 guys.  Went to dinner with 2 and they were perfect gentlemen.  The third one we had met in the afternoon and were supposed to go to dinner later but I decided not to go through with it as his intentions seemed very different than mine.

The only minor issue I had on the trip was the altitude sickness.  I never felt 100%.  I had some dizziness, headaches and was short of breath daily.  This will make me stay away from Colorado for awhile.

All in all my trip was a success and I was very happy I went!

***

I was back for 2 days, happy to be in my own bed, then storm Stella was making its way to NY and I had to stay in a hotel in NY City to be close to work for 2 nights.   I wasn’t planning on it so I hadn’t packed any clothes or anything.  The only store open was Duane Read, so I had to make do with what they had to sell.  So for 2 days I were men’s undershirt, men’s sock and underwear (women’s) from Duane Read.  I loved the socks.  From now on I may only buy Duane Read’s men’s socks.

***

Now that I am back I am seeing an Eastern Medicine doctor for my issues.  I have seen him twice. He did acupuncture, cupping, a few chiropractic moves and taught me an exercise to do at home.  I see some improvement.  The back and hip are doing great, the collarbone is still protruding, which I don’t expect to go back in place any time soon, and I still have the feeling of the muscles being pulled down and the numbness of the arm at night. I figure it will take time to be 100% again.

***

My dating life has been very active this past week.  I will write about it on my next post.

Everyone please have a wonderful week ahead.  No matter what life throws at you, smile and keep forgiveness and peace in your heart!

“She was free in her wildness. She was a wanderess, a drop of free water. She belonged to no man and to no city”  – Roman Payne

Meet me in Colorado!

11 Saturday Feb 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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winter_brecktown_mi

“It is not for me to judge another man’s life. I must judge, I must choose, I must spurn, purely for myself. For myself, alone.” – Hermann Hesse

As I mentioned before, I wasn’t sure what to do with an offer I had received.  A guy I met on Match is going skiing in Big Sky at the end of the month.  He said his hotel room had 2 beds and he offered me one as a friend.  I was really tempted but in the end I just couldn’t accept it.

I met him in person and we are still exchanging messages and phone calls as friends.  He lives 2 hours away and there wasn’t chemistry enough to bridge that distance for me.  He seems like a great person and adores skiing.

It would have been 7 days with someone I barely know.  It could turn out to be an amazing experience, getting to know someone and getting skiing tips.  But It could turn out unpleasant, uncomfortable, and perhaps even dangerous.

Some may think I sometimes over-think things, but why take a chance of being in a hotel room with somebody I barely know?  I guess I will always err on the side of safety.

I am all about taking chances and expecting miracles, but I also believe in making sure I am doing my part in being safe.  I like to jump and try to fly but all the while having a firm footing.

I very much believe in taking chances and getting out of my comfort zone  but when it involves other people then I have to take a step back, as I never know what people have in their minds and what is their agenda.

“We are our choices.” – Jean-Paul Sartre

I guess I take measured chances.  I research, I process, I take the pros and cons into account and in the end I decide using both my heart and mind.

Big sky will have to wait.  I told him exactly how I feel and even though he didn’t understand it, I am glad that he didn’t try changing my mind.

Since skipping my skiing vacation is not acceptable, I impulsively yet carefully chose a destination.  I have this baseless fear that if I skip skiing one year skiing will be forever over for me.  I am new at it and still struggle and need all the miles on skis I can get.

The chosen destination is Breckenridge, CO.  I chose Breckenridge because of easier access from the Denver airport.

I am going to be there the first week of March.

If you either live there, or will be there at the same time, how about a drink or bite to eat?  I always vacation alone and have no trouble doing that, but lately I miss someone at dinner time.  Food time is more fun when it is shared.

Say hi and let’s meet up!

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”  – Ralph Waldo Emerson

A real friend knows when it is time to let go of the friendship

28 Saturday Jan 2017

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“It takes wisdom to know when to turn the page and courage to know when to close the book. Steve Maraboli

There is a certain inner peace that washes over you the moment you realize you have made the right choice…about anything… about romance, business, family, etc.

That is how I feel at this moment.  At peace with my decision.  Peace came the moment I valued and respected myself.  I am talking about my friend AL (from 2 posts ago).  When I think of him now, about his silence, respecting my wishes; and about my silence remaining strong and not contacting him it just feels right.  Of course there are still moments of missing, longing, and wishing for things to be back to the way they were before.  The choice is hard and painful and I have to keep working on it daily but knowing in my heart it is the right decision changes everything.   At this moment I feel that things are exactly the way they are supposed to be, all is right in my world.

I know he will contact me again, but I also know that I will not respond.  For my sake as well as his.  Letting this friendship die this slow peaceful death is the right thing for me, for us, for everyone involved. I dare say that at this moment I am being a real friend.

I remember my Mom saying that for a cut to heal you have to stop touching it and let it be.  Same thing here.  I need to stop touching it and this is what I have done to help me achieve that:

  • I needed to stop looking at pictures.  I deleted them all.
  • I needed to stop re-reading messages.  All emails and texts deleted. There were almost 5 years worth of emails and to read some of them now was painful and it took all my strength not to keep them.
  • I needed to stop waiting for his texts/phone calls.  I blocked his number, so now even if he calls I don’t see it.  I even removed him from my LinkedIn Network.
  • I needed to stop thinking of him.  This is definetly the right one, but when he does come to mind, I think of him with gratitude and let the memory fade away.  I know that they will eventually stop.

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” ― Paulo Coelho, The Devil and Miss Prym

It takes courage to walk away, it takes courage to be silent…It would be so much easier to reach out or to reply…to just continue as if nothing happened.  I miss the banter, I miss his face, I miss his accent, I miss the pictures he used to send.  I miss it all.

The easier and more fun road would be to continue as is, flirting non-stop, having a drink every now and then and ignoring the huge elephant in the room – his fiancee.  But since when did I start taking the easy road?  Since when is the easy road ever worth taking?

He cares about me, that I have no doubt, but his actions are not saying that.  His actions towards the fiancee feels even worst.  I don’t condone it and I don’t want to be a part of it.  I can’t continue going along with something just because I care about the person.  Love doesn’t excuse or justify bad behavior.   It was foggy before when I was in the middle of it, now that some time and distance has gone by I see his actions clear.  It stinks!

I realized I was not respecting myself when I was allowing myself to be in a situation that does not make me feel valued as a friend, a woman and as a person.  I was enjoying the attention, but is that all I crave?  If I am not treating and giving myself respect, how can I expect it from others?

Truth is, similar to romantic relationships, sometimes friendships do have to come to an end.  It is hard, painful, but necessary.  We can’t start to heal until we let it go completely.

In 2017 I decided to surround myself with good energy and get rid of everything, people included, that is in the way of that.  Letting AL go is a good start.

At this moment I say a silent prayer thanking him for his short, but meaningful presence in my life.  From my every being I wish him nothing but absolute happiness and contentment.  He taught me love, friendship, non-judgment and open-mindedness.  He came at the right time.  He didn’t know that, but he picked me up when thoughts of my ex left me drowning in my tears.  He also taught me self respect and self love and in learning that I have to let him go, or is it in letting him go I learned self respect and self love? A lesson learned through him all the same.  He came for a reason and left for a reason.

This friendship was never meant to be forever.  The best lesson for me here is to make peace with the fact that some things are transient. I have to be okay with goodbyes to be able to truly enjoy the hellos!

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form. – Rumi

 

And the dating continues…

20 Friday Jan 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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It has been a little awhile since I have been here so I am about to catch you up on my dating life, but here is what else is going on:

  • Car doubts.  After many car issues, I finally decided I need to get another car.  I am still keeping my 30 year old baby (560SL) but it is about time to get a car that fits more than 2 people and it is good in the winter.  I am not sure if I should buy or lease? I hardly do any driving so I am leaning towards lease.  Any opinions?
  • Tenants/Buildings issues.  I need to learn to not stress over minor maintenance issues. Any time I see the superintendent’s number when my phone rings my heart sinks as I know he is going to mention some problem.   I  need to decide what to do in July when the lease is up.  Do I just sell it or keep it longer? I have time to decide…
  • After 32 years of living apart my identical twin sister and I will have to learn to live together again.  She will be coming to live in USA in the next few months and she will stay with me until she gets settled, a job, etc.  It will be interesting for sure. We would die for each other but after 5 minutes together we are already bickering.
  • Work remains a blessing even though there are some crazy egos and situations I have to navigate through. It makes me stronger and wiser.

Now on to dating:

Regarding the 2 guys I mentioned on this post:  https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2016/12/24/from-feast-to-famine-in-48-hours/

The counselor: After we had those disagreements we started talking again and now we are not only good friends but we are dance partners.  We are taking private Salsa dance lessons together.  We bought a package of 10 lessons.  It has been a lot fun.  He is so funny.

I explained I am no longer interested in romance and he respects that.  We are planning to go to dance clubs once our dancing improves, well mostly his.  I am Brazilian so moving my hips is easy. For him it has been a little more difficult.  But he has so much enthusiasm that it makes up for the lack of rhythm.

The Pharmacist: We started talking again after that day.  And for a second it looked like we could become friends.

One Sunday he asked me what I was going to do that evening and when I said that I was going out to dinner with a friend he volunteered to come with us and pay for dinner. I agreed.

Then he said  he was going to come up to my apartment and watch me get ready.  When I said that it was not going to happen, he said he would sit and wait in the living room.  Again I said: It is not going to happen.  He got upset that he would have to wait outside my apartment and said he was not coming anymore.  I said ok and we haven’t spoken since.

I hate when guys assume that after meeting me once or a couple of times that I am ready to invite them to my apartment.  There is no right time, but it is on my time not on theirs.

***

The construction worker:  I haven’t mentioned him before and I would probably not mention him other for the fact that he invited me to go skiing with him in Big Sky, Montana.  He has a hotel room with 2 beds.  It is very tempting and I even reserved a flight.  United lets you reserve the rate for one week.  I have to decide by tomorrow.  I am dying to go there. I am dying to go skiing.  But, I don’t want to put myself in an uncomfortable situation.  Even though he agrees this would be just friends, I barely know him.  I am so conflicted!!!

***

Online dating can get tiring and frustrating.  It is full of users, losers, jerks and fakes, but among all of that there are still some good guys there.  I have managed to meet some of them.  As always be careful when online dating.  Safety first!

I have met men from all walks of life.  I met computer software designers, all kinds of salesmen, financial guys from banking, insurance, etc, construction workers, lawyers, doctors, musicians,  teachers, etc.   I am thankful for online dating for making it possible for me to meet different people.

The last few dates I had:

  • A businessman in the denim business. I was already picturing all the free jeans I would get 🙂 The date was okay. We spent the whole time talking about online dating. Any time that is the topic of conversation it is a sign things are not going to work. We had only drinks. Yes, he was cheap lol
  • A Retired lawyer that occupies himself with some kind of electronics components distribution. We had dinner at a great restaurant. He seemed excited about me but I am not sure about him. I don’t think it will go anywhere. Funny fact, well funny for me, his children are in boarding school.  I had never met anyone that had kids in boarding school.
  • A South American food importer.  A very nice guy, but every time he spoke he touched my knee.  I know it is the South American familiar way but I didn’t care for that.  Also it was hard to understand him and my Spanish is not great.  I am a talker, so conversation is a big deal for me.  It is not going anywhere.
  • A restaurant owner that was just a bit too old for me.  He is 64.  I am not ageist but it didn’t seem he could keep up with me and I don’t have dreams of retiring in Florida.  Nothing against Florida either.

This week and weekend I have a friend from Brazil staying with me so there was no dates, but next week there will be 3.  Stay tuned, if anything interesting happens you will be the first to know.

You are awesome!  The sooner you realize that the better.  Breath, be happy, be positive, eat chocolate, life is great, no need to stress, everything passes!

Wishing you all a blessed weekend! 🙂

“Dare to Be

When a new day begins, dare to smile gratefully.

When there is darkness, dare to be the first to shine a light.

When there is injustice, dare to be the first to condemn it.

When something seems difficult, dare to do it anyway.

When life seems to beat you down, dare to fight back.

When there seems to be no hope, dare to find some.

When you’re feeling tired, dare to keep going.

When times are tough, dare to be tougher.

When love hurts you, dare to love again.

When someone is hurting, dare to help them heal.

When another is lost, dare to help them find the way.

When a friend falls, dare to be the first to extend a hand.

When you cross paths with another, dare to make them smile.

When you feel great, dare to help someone else feel great too.

When the day has ended, dare to feel as you’ve done your best.

Dare to be the best you can –

At all times, Dare to be!” – Steve Maraboli

I may have lost a friend when I gained a conscience

07 Saturday Jan 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” – Elbert Hubbard

On Christmas Day I lost my best friend.  He got engaged! I know nothing needs to change but everything already did.

Let me explain:

We have known each other for over 5 years now. While this is not a crazy amount of time, in that time we managed to cultivate a very close relationship.  We have a relationship that is completely non-judgmental and honest. We both feel safe with each other to share everything.  So I tell him about my dates and he tells me about his work, daughter and life in general.

I have other friends, but he is actually the one that I tell everything, and that is hard for me to lose.

We dated briefly in the beginning and very soon realized that the age difference (16 years) would be too much to circumvent.   After a couple of months apart we drifted back to each other and managed to become just friends (without benefits).

Our chemistry is undeniably there but other than one tryst ages ago we have remained platonic.   We can never find a convenient time to meet for a drink, so we mostly text with some emails and phone calls in between. The texting has been constant, and so has the flirting.

At one point I did toy with the idea of friends with benefits with him since we have great chemistry but, first, I don’t think I am a “friends with benefits” type of girl and second by the time I was really considering it he had gotten a girlfriend.  The texting, flirting and friendship continued.   The fact that he had a girlfriend never bothered me and I never felt I was doing anything wrong.  I did feel that it would end the day when I got a boyfriend.

It bothered me that he never introduced his girlfriend to me.  He always said he was going to but somehow it never managed to happen, and after awhile I think I knew he never would, and I chose not to care.

“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…” – Pema Chodron

Things changed to me the day after he got engaged. I was aware that he was getting engaged, he showed me the ring and I was happy and excited for him.   The next day we were talking excitedly about his engagement and then the next moment the talk turned to sexual innuendos, just like old times, yet not so old. This time it didn’t feel right. It felt dirty.  I told him we needed to take a break.   He thought I was joking.

While I enjoy the friendship and already miss it, I don’t want to be a hidden friend, a secret.  I realize that he never mentioned me to her, and to mention me at this point may see weird and suspicious.

I would not want my fiancé (if I had one) flirting with a girl. I have been cheated on, I know the pain. How can I cause that on somebody else?  But am I really causing any pain?

He has texted  a few times since then and I haven’t replied, even though it has ben extremely hard to ignore him.  I don’t know what to do. Do I resume speaking to a friend that I care about and accept this friendship as is; or do I continue the silence until he never contacts me again?

I am very conflicted about this. I care for him and it hurts not to have him in my life.  But can we resume talking and never flirt again?  I have a lot of respect for him and yet I don’t respect his actions.  He is serious about this person so he shouldn’t be flirting with anybody else.

What is to be a friend?  It is to accept them completely and make no demands?  It is still loving them even though you don’t accept their actions?  Or is making them accountable and showing them the error of their ways?

“Friendship is the purest love. It is the highest form of Love where nothing is asked for, no condition, where one simply enjoys giving.”- Osho

Then again who made me judge and jury?

What is my problem?

  1. Am I jealous of him getting married? I don’t think so.. I could be married by now if I really wanted to.

2) Am I mad he never introduce me to the girlfriend? perhaps.  Why is he hiding me? To be a secret feels dirty, although I do agree it is a bit exciting also.

3) Am I disappointed in myself for flirting with someone that has a girlfriend and considering continuing on? Yes I guess I am.  I don’t have to flirt back.  I can just say we will not continue this line of conversation and he would not do it.  Yet every time he starts I am totally join in.

4) Perhaps I like the flirting when he was “available” and now that he is not I just feel that I am flirting with disaster.

I told a male friend about this situation and he thinks I am making a bid deal out of nothing.  He says that if I enjoy the friendship I should continue and not worry about it.  That is on him to think about his fiancee.  I am tempted.

But for now I am putting in a bit of time and space between us and we will see what happens.  At the end of the day he is not the problem at all.  It is me, I don’t trust myself!

When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the “nay” in your own mind, nor do you withhold the “ay.” And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart; For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed. – Kahlil Gibran