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Category Archives: Dating

Closing doors and making choices

10 Monday Sep 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

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G. sent me the text above.

He thought I couldn’t resist it.  I did.  I will not reply. I will not fall for the silly attempts.

I let him get back into my life once, thinking that we could build a great friendship after I realized that romance was not in the cards.   Then he made those comments about immigrants.

He was insensitive and never apologized for being so.  Perhaps if he had apologized the friendship could have been saved.

Instead he continued on with his hurtful comments, making matters even worst. He seemed intent on hurting me.

Now it pains me to ignore him. It pains me to ignore anyone.  But I need to stop leaving the door open for anyone to just waltz back in and hurt me again.

I have the power over who I let into my heart and life.  I am using that power.  I am choosing sanity and good energy.

G. don’t bother knocking, the door is locked for you. Don’t try the window either!

“Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.” – Roy T. Bennett

 

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3 dates and a job

07 Friday Sep 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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My dating life is going slow as I haven’t been devoting much time to it.  Online dating does become like a second job sometimes.

I have managed however to have 3 dates with one guy.  That in itself is astonishing since I am mostly a one date girl.

On the first date we went for a late drink at a wine bar. I had prosecco, he had a couple of different red wines, and we shared a cheese platter.  There were no fireworks but he was nice and friendly.  He asked me on a second date that night and I said yes.

During that first date I mentioned that my sister was now living with me and looking for a job.  The next day he texted me and asked if my sister wanted to work some hours at his restaurant/catering business while she is going on interviews for something in her field.  I showed my sister the text and she agreed to go meet him at the restaurant the next day. She was hired to work 3 days a week.

On the second date he cooked for me at his restaurant. He made crostini with avocado, smoked salmon and capers on top, paired with prosecco (he remembered I like it) for the appetizers.  For the entree he made flank steak (which I had mentioned I liked), spaetzle (German egg noodle) and spinach, paired with red wine.  For dessert I had a choice of brownie sundae or ice cream sandwich. By then I was so full that I just had a chocolate chip cookie.  The photos above are not that great as I took them in the kitchen and not at the table.

For the third date we had drinks at an Italian restaurant and then went to a lounge with loud dance music as it was the only thing open after 11pm.  Still we found a quiet corner and managed to be able to talk.

I am still not sure about chemistry.  He is a great guy, but also a gentleman and there hasn’t been anything other than a peck on the lips.  Until there is a kiss I cannot tell where this will go.

He has 3 kids between the ages of 10 and 14 and he is busy with them every day.  He is also very busy with the restaurant and catering, so we haven’t met each other again after those 3 dates.  For now we have a texting friendship and that suits me fine, but if we ever start a romantic relationship the lack of time would probably annoy me.

It is a tricky dynamic to mix work with romance even though I am not the one working for him.  At first I was overthinking this, then I decided to relax and go with the flow.  First, this is just a part time gig for my sister and will not last forever.  Second, I have a feeling that he and I will just become good friends and not romantic mates.

I guess the message for me with this post is to keep an open mind.  Open mind to go  a second and third date even if there are no fireworks in the first.  Open mind to think that it is okay to have my sister work for someone I just met and that I can possibly have a relationship with.  Open mind to not shut him down for his lack of time and let things develop.  Open mind to try a different route.

Wishing you all a blessed and fun weekend!

“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” – Isaac Asimov

 

Getting back on the horse

16 Thursday Aug 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs.”  – Charlotte Bronte

Since the upsetting email that G sent me I thought I would never speak to him again. Then he started texting me and I didn’t have it in me to ignore him.  I replied.

We started texting every single day as we had done before.  We didn’t work out as a couple but I still think he is a good person and worth of being friends with.

I had stayed away from online dating when I thought he and I could have a future together.  Now I am back at it again.  Some may think that I didn’t really care for him if I am been able to flip from girlfriend to just friend so quickly.

I did care.  I cared a lot.  I thought he was the One.  I had already envisioned a future together.  And then it all fell apart, for no apparent reason. I have 2 choices:  stay stuck there, on the mourning of a relationship or move on.

I am moving on.  I am not being cold.  I am being a realist.  I am saving myself time and energy.  If something doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work, move on.  There is no sense in spending time thinking about it, trying to reflect on what went wrong or why, or even dreaming about it working again.

I embraced thinking he was the One, now I am embracing him as a friend.

“Embrace who you are and your divine purpose. Identify the barriers in your life, and develop discipline, courage and the strength to permanently move beyond them, and keep moving forward.” – Germany Kent

I am back on Match and POF.  My first date since starting again was last night.

I went out with B, he is in Finance and works for a museum in New York City.

He chose an expensive Scandinavian restaurant called Agern located inside Grand Central Station.  I commute every day out of GCS and had never noticed it before. It is hidden in plain sight.

After taking a look at the menu and prices online I told him that perhaps he should choose a place more reasonable. He said that he heard good things about this restaurant and he was glad to take me there.

The ambiance was great, it was quiet and not too bright.  The service was amazing.  The food was good but nothing that I would be looking forward to eating again.  I guess fancy Scandinavian food is not for me.

We shared 2 appetizers, 3 entrees and 1 dessert. We had only one cocktail each and the bill was $250 with tip – I sneaked a peek as he was signing the credit card receipt.

B was such a great person. He was interested and interesting.  The conversation flowed.  Three hours went by and we didn’t even have a chance to talk about his favorite subject: music.

I didn’t get an initial romantic vibe from the date, but I think that a second date may be necessary to make sure.

He texted saying that he had a lovely time and would like to see me again. I said it would be great.

to be continued…

“If I cease searching, then, woe is me, I am lost. That is how I look at it – keep going, keep going come what may.” – Vincent van Gogh

This was extremely annoying and unnecessary. He missed a great chance to be quiet.

03 Friday Aug 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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” Sometimes your knight in shining armor turns out to be an idiot wrapped in tin foil.” – unknown

I just got this very short email from G.  This is it in its entirety:

I’m still a little shell shocked from my last relationship. You did a few things probably innocently last weekend that rocked me which is why I was off.

You were probably kidding but it still it rocked me. I think the world of you lady.

What?  What is the point of this email?

Some things I did?

I know that if I am guilty of anything in this relationship was of being too nice and trying too hard.

In this relationship all I did was give and go out of my way for somebody.  Some times I make a guy jump through hoops, except this time.

Is this his way of offering an explanation to his behavior?  We are past this.  I don’t care for answers or explanations anymore.  I did all the trying.  I am done.

Does he want me to ask what was that I did that triggered something in him?   Is this email supposed to make me curious?  Should I say sorry for something I have no clue?

“If you’re not comfortable enough with yourself or with your own truth when entering a relationship, then you’re not ready for that relationship.” -Steve Maraboli

I tried to talk about this previous relationship of his but he didn’t want to get too much into it.  I respected that.  He said they were together in the past, then recently tried again but still the issues were all there as before and he broke up for good.

I asked if there was any chance of getting back together and he said: never.  He made sure to say, more than once, that I was the total opposite of her.

I am hoping for his sake that he had no expectations when he sent this email as he is getting no replies of any sort.

I will not ask what I did (or he thinks I did) because I do not care.  I am not even curious.  Whatever way he felt or is feeling is on him not me.

It is not what I did, it is how received and reacted (or didn’t react) to it.

“I’m not crying because of you; you’re not worth it. I’m crying because my delusion of who you were was shattered by the truth of who you are.” – Steve Maraboli

He had plenty of chances and freedom to tell me anything he wanted.  He was free to say what bothered him at the time that it happened.  I made sure that we made communication a priority in this relationship.

I told him that I joke a lot and I can be sarcastic so he had to speak up if he ever didn’t like anything I did or said.  He had said my honesty was refreshing.  Why hold it in, be a jerk and now send such an email?

I didn’t reply and will not reply to such emails.  Either tell me what you think I did that hurt, offended, “rocked” you or just be quiet.

Sorry for venting, but this email was really aggravating and offending to me.  To me, we were done and moved on to being friends that texted every now and then.  I was happy with that. No need for explanations that will not change anything, and to perhaps just make me feel that I am guilty of something.

“I will not try to convince you to love me, to respect me, to commit to me. I deserve better than that; I AM BETTER THAN THAT…Goodbye.” – Steve Maraboli

 

 

Are we friends? (if it’s meant to be, it’ll be)

02 Thursday Aug 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel.” – Paulo Coelho

I know I may seem dramatic over this breakup since we had been together just a very short time, but it was not only the time, it was the depth of it.  It was the potential and hope in it. So please bear with me as I am still mourning it and saying good bye.

Because I can’t accept when things feel unfinished.

Because I needed a period in the end and this just feels like a semi-colon.

Because I need to feel that no matter what happened we are not enemies.

I wrote, not to get a response, but just to get that heaviness out of my chest.  I wrote to feel empty of things left unsaid.

I didn’t care if he would write back or not, but I hope to one day be able to be friends.

Because of all of that I sent G an email.

This is verbatim the email I sent, just omitting our names:

A little bit of time has now passed that I can speak/write without being emotional and probably irrational. 

I am not sure exactly what happened.  I keep going over and over every detail in my mind.

What could we have done differently? 

I realize there is not one clear answer.

 

When you were dropping me off and said you just wanted “to get done with it” and go home, that said it all…

Still I was hopeful that it was not as I had heard.

Then the extremely loud silence the rest of Sunday.

Then the short text.  

An addiction? What to say to that?

There it was: the end!

 

It started so full of hope.

I thought to myself: This is it! 

I told people: I found him!  

 

 I still think the world of you and I think you think highly of me too.

Unfortunately mutual admiration was not enough to make WE work.

 Sad is an understatement. But this is not a failure.  

We wanted it to work. We tried. I know I did. 

 

It is my hope that we are able to remain in each other’s life and build a friendship.

Blessings and light to you!”

 

I wrote that at night on Tuesday night. The next morning, yesterday, he send me the following reply:

I don’t think I meant “to get done with it” in the same way you took it. I use that term to mean just I’m done with the day – just waiting till I go to bed. Sunday was unfortunate because as I said – spent the day dirty helping JP with his bus. Phone away. But yes- something was wrong. 

The addiction comment – because neither of us were contacting the other – knew you were felling it as well so I figured some sort of contact would be like a quick fix for both of us.

I started full of hope as well

I felt you were custom made for me.

I feel VERY highly of you for sure – everything I’ve said still stands. I think you’re an incredible and rare woman.

Somethings piled up on me that weekend and they got the better of me

That’s all I can say.

You’re still on my mind pretty much all day – I think I just might need some time.

(right now on the radio – Florida Georgia Line’s – ” if it’s meant to be -it’ll be” )  

 

I didn’t reply as I think it requires none.  We both said our piece.   I am not sure I know what “I think I just might need some time” means exactly.  Does he need time to become friends? If so, he can take all the time in the world.

I said what I wanted to say and I feel light.  His response makes no difference.

****

And then as I was about to publish that yesterday, he sents me a text with some funny comment.  I replied and said:

“I thought you needed time.  A whole 5 hours?”

He laughed. We exchanged another couple of pleasant texts and that was it.

Perhaps we can be friends after all.  It feels good to end on a good note.

 

and here is the song he mentioned:

He is done! I am done! We are done!

31 Tuesday Jul 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Don’t worry about failures, worry about the chances you miss when you don’t even try.” – Jack Canfield

This is just a quick update to tell you what is going on between G and I.

Nothing is going on, and this nothingness is brutal.  I would declare us officially over as boyfriend and girlfriend.  I am holding out hope that we eventually can become friends but that remains to be seen.

At 12:14pm yesterday he texted me:

“Hard to have an addiction”

I am not 100% sure what that means but I think that he means being addicted to me or to getting my emails in the morning.  I remember him mentioning once being addicted to waking up and seeing a text from me.

We had a little routine.  He always texted good night first and I always texted good morning first, normally with a sweet cartoon or a funny meme.

Yesterday I didn’t text good morning as I had not heard from him since 10am the prior day.  I felt he was the one that would have to reach out if he wanted to. If I were the one to reach out it would seem that I am okay with how things had been going, and I am not.

“Blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you.” – Jack Canfield

After a day of silence to just text that one sentence it is also very telling in its brevity.

I didn’t reply. What is there to say?

I hate to be silent, but if I were to reply with the truth, which is, that I miss him and that I am sad that things didn’t work out; that would probably just drag things on.  It would eventually fall apart later.

There were too many things that I was putting up with to be nice and accommodating.  I was making it all about him. Unlike many of the guys before, in this one I saw future, so I forgot about myself for awhile.  I think eventually I would grow tired.  Actually I was already tired.

And so was he!

I keep thinking back to him saying that he just wanted to be “done with it”.  That was the moment for me that told me that things were over and would never work out no matter how much I wanted them to.

That should not be the sentiment of any man dropping me off at home.  That should not be the sentiment of anyone getting to know each other.  I imagine a person trapped in a miserable marriage saying that.

If he feels that way now, I can only imagine a few months, and years down the line.

“You got to let go of the good to embrace the great” – Jack Canfield

I guess I felt a little that way too. I would be eager to see him, then I would start seeing in all the ways that we didn’t mesh.  Then as soon as we said good bye I would be dying to see him again.

Still I don’t want to hurt him.  I feel my silence hurts, but at the same time, silence may be the kindest thing I can do.  If he compared me to an addiction, then helping him quit is the best thing I can do.

I would love to attempt a friendship but I think we need some time apart.  Perhaps when some time passes I will reach out and check on him, but for now it would seem just an attempt to still want to work on something that would never work.

He wanted to just be done with it. Now we are and I think we are both much better off for it.  If not better, we both deserve different.  This is not a failure, this is discovery, it is growth!

“Sometimes you dance with a partner, and sometimes you dance alone. But the important thing is to keep dancing.” – Jack Canfield

Trying not to lose myself in the process of loving someone

30 Monday Jul 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi

G and I are still seeing each other but I am really not sure it is going to work.  It seems that we are both trying to make things work but our lives don’t quite seem to mesh together.   At times it seems we are trying to put a square peg in a round hole.

I have been trying to keep an open mind.  At times I can be critical and picky and I have been trying my hardest not to do that.  I am being successful but at what cost?

I think he is a great guy, and I believe he thinks I am a great girl.  We both believe that together we would make an amazing couple.  Can mutual admiration make for a good relationship?

In reality I think I am the one trying harder to fit in his world.  I feel I am doing more of the compromising.  Perhaps if he is asked that same question he may say he is the one trying harder.  I am not sure I would be completely happy in his world and he would probably not be happy in mine.  The ideal would be to bridge the gap and make a whole new world.  It is proving difficult.  At this point we are both set in our ways and our routines, so trying to merge our lives is very hard.

My Ex comes to mind.  He lived the same distance, one hour from me, he had his life set there, and so I dropped everything and moved in with him. For 3 years his life was my life.  I don’t regret any of that for a single moment but it doesn’t mean I want to repeat the same story again.

I could easily list 5 instances where something he did was not to my liking.  There was nothing terrible, but little details here and there that starts adding up.  Moments where he chose cheapness instead of niceness.

I am practical and don’t waste money.  I much prefer to save than to spend.  He seems to take frugality to a whole different level.  I am not sure I am ready for that.  I am not sure I want that.

He thinks about the environment, about health and about saving money 100% time.  It seems to dictate his life.  While it is admirable, it may not be for me.  He pays attention to the use of electricity, water, to the price of everything. I try to conserve but it doesn’t rule my life.

I appreciate that he is very environmentally conscious not wanting to waste anything and wanting to leave the smallest footprint.  But being that way 100% of the time and with me this early in the relationship seems just petty and cheap.

He is also very much into his art at this moment.  While I admire that passion and drive, I think he is forgetting about me.  He is forgetting that we are beginning this relationship and it requires effort and dedication too.

We live 1 hour away but it seems so much longer than that.   We seem to be dying to see each other, but after we are together for a while it seems we are dying to get back to our own lives.  He expressed something like that when he dropped me off this evening after we spent Friday night and all day Saturday together.  I asked him if he wanted to come in and I would order pizza and he could have dinner with my sister and I.  He said: “I just want to be done with it”.  I said: ouch! I think he realized that he actually spoke out loud and quickly added that he wanted to get back home to have a beer and cigar.  On one hand I understand wanting to relax at the end of the day.  On the other I don’t understand not wanting to spend more time together.  Especially since he did have the entire Sunday to relax.

We spent the whole day Saturday looking for materials for his art.   It was hot and tiring, but I was a trooper, and now he makes it seem it is too much to spend 1 hour just relaxing and eating pizza with my sister and I.

And that is another point.  So far it seems what we do most is spend the time in nature, sea shores and river edges looking for raw materials.  While I love nature and I want to be supportive of his art, I don’t want to do only that every weekend.

I listen intently when he talks about his art and about his interest in real estate investing. I give my opinion. I ask questions.  I am genuinely interested. But when I talk about my writing, or about mosaics, he just listens and doesn’t ask any questions or adds anything to the conversation. It seems I am more interested in his life than he is in mine.

I appreciate that he is not fake, doesn’t play games or tells me sweet little lies, but I would hope that he could somehow muster a little more interest in my life.

He does tell me all the time that he thinks I am wonderful and I am exactly what he has been looking for.  But I am not sure his actions are telling me that.

The affection is there now, and is trying to show me that, so that area is no longer a complaint. There is a lot of chemistry and we love to be in each other’s arms, but that doesn’t seem to be enough.

Even though I really thought he could be the one, I no longer lead with my heart and my body. I am letting my mind assist me in the search for a partner. I think we both realize that no matter how much we want this to work, there is a chance that may not.

I have given 100% and I don’t want to give up just yet…

Ps. This was written Sunday morning.  He texted me as usual Saturday night and Sunday morning but then just went quiet.  I didn’t prod or question the silence.  I could write, I know, but at this point I rather leave the ball in his court and wait.  Perhaps he is doing the same.

It is now 10 am Monday and we haven’t texted each other yet.  This is totally uncharacteristically for us. I am sure he is surprised I haven’t made an attempt to connect or send a little emoji or meme.  I think I am officially done with all the trying. Is this the end?

Stay tuned…

“I want to see you.

Know your voice.

Recognize you when you
first come ’round the corner.

Sense your scent when I come 
into a room you’ve just left.

Know the lift of your heel,
the glide of your foot.

Become familiar with the way 
you purse your lips
then let them part, 
just the slightest bit,
when I lean in to your space
and kiss you.

I want to know the joy 
of how you whisper 
“more” 
― Rumi

Doctor, doctor, please fix me!

25 Wednesday Jul 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

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My hip in getting increasingly bad, so I decided that August would be the month that I would go see a doctor about it.

HIP DOCTOR: So much for planning for August.  The doctor’s next available appointment is September 19.  I was going crazy researching doctors, so when my doctor friend recommended him I just decided this is it.

I have gone to a hip doctor before but I was not that impressed with him.  It is crazy how time flies. I thought it was only a couple of year ago that I had gone to him but now that I checked it was 2013!!

At that time I had scans and MRI done, and the treatment recommended was physical therapy and cortisone shots.  I was diagnosed with bursitis, arthritis and a tear that was not severe enough to be operated on.

The cortisone shots made the pain worst but eventually the physical therapy worked and I felt like myself again.  After I was done with the therapy I took up tennis lessons again and the pain came back as if had never left.  I gave up tennis and have since then been talking about going back to the doctor.

Five years later I am finally doing something about it.  I feel a bit embarrassed about this procrastination.  I chose to live with pain and discomfort.  I chose to do only limited physical activities rather than address the issue. I no longer take tap and jazz classes.  I don’t weight lift or do zumba. All the things I loved I gave up.  Yeah, it is embarrassing.

Better late than ever.  There is no upside to beating myself up at this point.

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I am also going to see some other medical professionals:

DENTIST: I am going in for a cleaning. I have some work to do but it is major, so I am thinking about doing it in Brazil for a fraction of the price.  I am only unsure I can stay away from work for 2 weeks.  I get cleanings every 3 months as my teeth needs to be closely monitored.

The surgery I had in my gums seems to be doing okay. The inflammation didn’t return and if that is the case it is a success and I will not need another procedure in that area and I will not need to lose one of the implants I have there.  Fingers crossed that this remains the case.

OBGYN: I have big news for my doctor. My period was late for the first time ever. I could set a watch by my period in the past and all of a sudden 40 days go by and nothing.

Menopause seems to be here, for better or worse.  And with it it is bringing a whole host of unwelcome visitors: Tiredness, excessive sugar cravings, mood swings, etc.  My hair feels and looks like brillo pad.  My mood is swinging more than Elvis’s hips. I am obsessed with Instagram pictures of chocolate cakes.  It is really bad!

INTERNIST: I need to schedule it.  I will bring those issues up with him.  In the past at my annual check ups all they said was:  make sure to eat healthy and exercise.

EYE DOCTOR: I go every other year for the past several years. I go to a specialist.  Since my mother has a retina disease I like to keep a close eye (pun intended) on it.   All is normally fine and the prescription just changes a bit.

***

I am feeling extremely exhausted lately.  I used to just jump up in the morning, singing and happy, now it is a struggle to get up.  It feels all my body wants to do is be horizontal.

I have been taking all kinds of supplements that is supposed to help with energy and fatigue but they don’t seem to be that effective.

My eating habits are insane.  One day goes well, the other I fall off the wagon.   One day is gluten free, the other is all about gluten.  Now that I am paying more attention to my eating habits it seems that all I want to do is eat.

My main problem is sugar.  The solution is discipline and willpower. Do you know where I can buy those?

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” – Lao Tzu

***

I will write about G and I on the next post.  We are still seeing each other. I have no interest in seeing anyone else for now.  We are still a bit mismatched but at times I think I am just being picky.

It is weird that I met someone when I am at my worst.

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe

 

Still confused, but willing to wait and see

17 Tuesday Jul 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Drop the idea of becoming someone, because you are already a masterpiece. You cannot be improved. You have only to come to it, to know it, to realize it.” ― Osho

G and I were supposed to go to dinner on Thursday night. After I had accepted his invitation I remembered I now have French classes on Thursdays. Then on the weekend he went to see his mother in another state. So it has been several days since we have seen each other.

This time apart is a good thing for both of us.  It help us reevaluate things.  I may see him tomorrow night for dinner.  If not, then I will definitely see him on Saturday.

In the meantime we have been texting daily, several times a day.  I wanted to talk about certain things in person, but I didn’t want to wait so one day a few days ago I asked all I wanted to ask via text.

By the end of that one day I was so emotionally drained, and I am not sure if we really got anywhere.  At least I got to say and ask all I wanted. I even complained that on Sunday he didn’t wake me up with fresh baked banana bread (something he keeps saying he does). I will just post a very brief summary here as I don’t want to emotionally exhaust everyone else.

“Longed for him. Got him. Shit.” – Margaret Atwood

I explained to him that our Saturday night together left me extremely disappointed and confused.  I felt unloved and unwanted.  I don’t believe I created these expectations out of thin air.  It was based on all he keeps saying and also on how our first 2 dates went.

I didn’t expect or want sex, but I expected and wanted tons of attention, romance and affection. Not to get even a kiss that was a little more than a peck was very confusing.

He said that he wanted to be respectful, and take things slow.  He felt that if we had started kissing on Saturday night it would have been hard to stop and we would probably do something we had agreed not to do.  I disagreed.  We are not kids, we can stop any time we want as we had stopped in the past.  In the end it feels like it is a battle of who is right, and that is so draining and pointless.

We agreed to disagree.  He apologized for the way he made me feel. Which makes me feel even worst now.  Now I feel like a beggar begging for affection.

“Never marry at all, Dorian. Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.”  – Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

He also mentioned that we hadn’t spoken about being safe, sexually speaking.  I am glad he brought it up as I wanted to at some point when sex was going to be a certainty. It is weird how sex keeps coming up a lot and it is not even happening.  Chances are it will be a very long time before it does, if it does.

Safety first always.  Coming to each other at this late in life it means that we had partners before and were exposed to other people and perhaps diseases.  Every July I get a clean bill of health from my doctor. I expect him to do the same.  I am too old to take unnecessary chances.

He talked too much about giving me pleasure and affection, but he meant down the road.  I want it now. Talking so much about how the future will be amazing sets us both for disappointment.  I mentioned to him I am like a 5 year old.  Don’t tell me you are taking me to Disneyland unless it is happening right now.  I cannot handle waiting for something that may or may not come.

He is also stuck on saying that he believes that it is better to like someone’s mind first, that love and chemistry will come. That is again confusing to me, as in the beginning he gave me the impression that he found me very attractive.  Now it seems he likes my mind and everything else more than my body.

I believe that you have to be attracted to someone physically first.  I believe that loving somebody’s intelligence, sense of humor, etc is never enough. Chemistry is the glue. He said that his longest relationship of 13 years the lady was not even his type at first.  He grew to love her.  That fact does not bring me peace as he expected it would. It seems forced.  It seems he knows I an amazing person and expects to grow to love me.  It is just not how I believe it should go, or it is.

I guess I just want to hear that he finds me beautiful and attractive.  In the end I am just a girl.

“It is not worth the while to let our imperfections disturb us always.”  – Henry David Thoreau

At the end of the day I know he is a great person.  We will continue to see each other and talk about our needs and wants.  I think he will continue to be in my life, perhaps just as a friend or perhaps more.  At this point I have no interest in being online and going on other dates.

Now to another point.  This whole situation also serves to highlight the fact that I am just not happy with my body at the moment.  I seem to be wanting other’s validation.  I want him to tell me I am perfect.  I have a mirror.  I know the truth.  While I do look great for my age, I know I could be better if I applied myself.  Knowing that I am not even trying at this moment is what is the most disheartening about myself.  I keep complaining and I don’t do anything about it.

Well, there is no sense in beating myself up.  I will make more of an effort from now on. I will be watchful to see if my actions are corresponding to how I want to be.

“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.” – Lao Tzu

 

Second date and I am still excited

05 Thursday Jul 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I’d hoped to give you forever” – Nicholas Sparks

I hardly ever have a second date and normally it is just to confirm what I had already known:  that I am not into this person.  But this time it is different.

The second date was last Sunday.  I went to his house.  It is a bit crazy for me to go to someone’s house this early in a relationship but I really wanted to see his home. I love seeing how people live.  It tells me a lot about who they are.  Also, he had told me his house was freaking adorable, so yes I was curious.

I had no doubt I would be safe, so I had no reservations about going there.

His house is indeed adorable. It is small and cozy.  He knew I would like it as I mentioned to him that I like vintage stuff, woods and metals.  His house is filled with all kinds of artifacts, vintage furniture and art pieces he has done.

It was like a log cabin inside and covered in all kinds of nick knacks.  Every item has a story.  G. is by profession a carpenter, but his passion and talent lies in woodcarving and other artwork made out of driftwood.

I specially loved the backyard. It is so fairy-tale like with so many birds, and plants.  One side of the house is totally covered in ivy. I didn’t see the vegetable garden he has on the roof and I didn’t shower in the outdoor shower.  Those are saved for date # 3.

Since I was going to his house and our chemistry is crazy we talked about the subject of sex.   We decided that we would not rush into anything.  We will take it slow and easy.  There was plenty of kissing and snuggling but no sex.

I got there around 9:30am.  It took me 50 minutes to get there.  After a long hug and a peck on the lips he handed me a cup of coffee and proceeded to give me a tour of the house. That probably took a couple of hours.  Not that the house was big, it was that each item, each corner has history and a story.

We sat outside for awhile, talking about the plants and the birds.  Then we went inside and he proceeded to make brunch.  I watched him for awhile and offered to help.  He told me to lay down in his bedroom and just relax.  He said he would call me when it was time to butter the bread.   I did, and after awhile he called to butter the English muffins.

“The Very first moment I beheld him, my heart was irrevocably gone.”  – Jane Austen

The reason he said laid down on the bed versus sit down on the couch is that from the bedroom where the bed was one could see straight into the kitchen where he was.  I imagine that was the reason, because now looking back it seemed odd.  In the moment all was perfect, nothing awkward or weird about anything.

He made sauteed sweet potatoes, sausage, and eggs. I never cared for sweet potatoes.  I could take it or leave it.  But these were the best sweet potatoes I ever had.

It was probably already 3 pm by the time we were eating. After lingering over our empty plates we laid down on a bed he has in this covered back porch.  I am not sure how long we were there.  There was some kissing.  It was awesome, but we didn’t take it any further.  We both fell asleep at some point.  .

Later we sat in the living room and talked about his plans for the future regarding his art and some other projects.  I love people that pursue their passions, so I am glad he is doing that.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi

My sister called me at some point and told me: either you come home before it gets dark or you should stay there and come tomorrow morning.  I said: yes Mom.  I told him what my sister said and he said that I should leave soon.

I was a tad disappointed that he didn’t try to talk me into staying, but I understand his reasons.  While I would have no problem staying over it was too soon for that.  My sister trusts my judgement so she had no worries about me going over and potentially staying over.  For some reason her main concern was my driving in the dark.

We continue to text throughout the day and will see each other this Saturday.  I will probably go over his house again.  I rather go there and have him cook for me than to go to an expensive restaurant.  I am changing.

He is the type that is more at home around a campfire than at the opera, so if there is any area that potentially could there be a disagreement it would be the choice of vacation and entertainment.  I am open to do/try it all and he seems also, so eventually we will both be put through a test and see how our worlds mesh.

For now I am extremely happy to be getting to know him and seeing where this goes. I have made the decision not to look for potential problems.  I am not messaging or dating anyone else at this point.  He is not either.  We both are excited and want to give this a fair chance.

All I know is that I like him a whole lot and I don’t really know how to tone myself down with things I love.

“The very essence of romance is uncertainty.” – Oscar Wilde