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Category Archives: Dating

No just a smile

18 Wednesday Sep 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 13 Comments

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“A thought, even a possibility, can shatter and transform us.”― Friedrich  Nietzsche

It was just a smile,
Walking a different route
Just another random street
I looked up and saw you coming
A stranger that my heart recognized
You knew me too, I could tell
We got close
You smiled
A smile that disarmed me
We both said hi, but
We never stopped, we never chatted
We kept going
Opposite ways
I never looked back, did you?
It was just a smile

It was just a smile, but to dreamers like me it meant the world.  It meant sustenance.
To those in love with life, a smile that the heart recognizes is a window into a world of possibilities and hope.
There is no one at the moment, no person I am talking to, no date in sight, and because of that nothingness, the entire world is a possibility. And it is perfect, beautiful and so full of miracles!

“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.”― Thomas Merton

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the bad, the good, and the past

19 Monday Aug 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

≈ 17 Comments

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After a couple of days of silence, my phone now rings once a day.  No, it is not Prince Charming. The caller hangs up when I answer.  Each time is a different phone number with my same area code.  I stopped answering. Problem solved. For now.

I had been feeling unwanted but Delta Airlines came to the rescue with an email to inform me that I have been promoted to Gold Medallion Member.  I don’t think it means much more than my old Silver status, but I still feel special.  I am easy.

“Just as a snake sheds its skin, we must shed our past over and over again.” ― Gautama Buddha

On Friday I got an email from an email address I didn’t recognize.  This person called me by name and wanted to reconnect.  As I searched my inbox I was able to find one email that we had exchanged in 2015 that didn’t say much but it seemed that we had exchanged a lot flirtatious messages in the past.

After a few back and forth emails where I kept asking for more information it was clear that he was intent on not telling me who he was.  I was curious and didn’t like being in the dark and feeling vulnerable.  I was tempted to continue emailing to try to figure out who he was.

There was curiosity, but there was also hope.   Hope as in the idea of romance and fairy-tale.  It goes like this: this charming admirer from the past realized that he cannot live without me. He comes back, sweeps me off of my feet and we live happily ever after.

I was curious but had no interest on playing his one-sided game.  I stopped replying.  The real power is not in having the last word, but in fighting the urge to engage.  I no longer need to have the last word. I refuse to waste my time, energy, heart and hope on stupidity and distractions.

There is a reason this guy was left in 2015.  I don’t need to be reminded of what that reason was.  It is always tempting to revisit the past.  Even if dysfunctional it is always comforting and familiar.  Happily, this time I am choosing the future, not the past.

As I often say:  Let’s make new mistakes, learn new lessons!

“Can’t you give me brains?” asked the Scarecrow.
“You don’t need them. You are learning something every day. A baby has brains, but it doesn’t know much. Experience is the only thing that brings knowledge, and the longer you are on earth the more experience you are sure to get.” ― L. Frank Baum

A Joe, a Jerk and an Unapologetically Aries

10 Saturday Aug 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

≈ 39 Comments

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“We are all hypocrites. We cannot see ourselves or judge ourselves the way we see and judge others.” ― José Emilio Pacheco

Joe. He is one of the Joe’s I wrote about the other day.  I was not sure I like the idea of being asked out just because it was convenient.  I was not excited about him romantically either. For those reasons I didn’t think a second date would happen.

But it did! It happened because it was convenient – oh the hypocrisy of it all! Shame on me!

Here is my reasoning:  I was not excited about him romantically, but I did have a nice time on the date.  I figured a second meeting wouldn’t hurt, especially since all I had to do was to walk across the street to the same restaurant from the first date.

We had a good time, as we had had the first date.  We talked and joked the whole time but there was no romantic vibes.  Third date?  no, but I am open to meeting as friends.

***

“I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail.”  – ― Abraham Maslow, 

The jerk and the unapologetic Aries

The jerk is a 57 yr old attorney and the unapologetic Aries is me.   We made plans to meet a couple of times and he flaked.  When I said I didn’t want to meet him anymore he asked for another chance and I said ok.

I met him at a Mexican Restaurant near my home. It started off fine with us making some small talk.  He did some complaining about the ex-wife, which is a huge turn off for me, but I was able to change the subject.

Then he mentioned that Aries people are very difficult. He proceeded to tell me all the ways people born under the sign of Aries are extremely difficult to get along with, specially with a Sagittarius(him).  He said that I showed how difficult I was when I had decided not to meet him because he had canceled last minute twice.  He went on and on.

I agreed with him.  I don’t think he expected that.  I think he expected an argument.  Why would I try to disagree with him?  It wouldn’t change anything.  It would just make me not enjoy my food.  I ordered the skirt steak and I was looking forward to it.

Aries people can indeed be difficult people.  We are impatient and opinionated.  We are impulsive and think we know it all.  We are also great leaders, fiercely independent, passionate lovers and generous to a fault.

Instead of defending Arieses (is this really the plural of Aries, just seems such a funny word), I asked him questions about Astrology.  He seemed to know a lot about it.  I did ask him why did he want to meet me since, according to him, we were not a match?  He said he was open minded.  I laughed.

Certain traits are definitely more distinguished among people of a same sign, that is for sure. I have been able to guess some people’s signs just by the way they conducted themselves.  Every sign has its good and bad traits, but to generalize and make assumptions like he did is troublesome and unfair.

Two of my favorite people are Sagittarius. We have an amazing relationship. So Sagittarius and Aries can get along.

I am so happy to be an Aries!  I think it is the best sign in the zodiac!  🙂

He came in ready to dislike me.  He succeeded in that and more.  I didn’t like him either.  The skirt steak however, was divine!

“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” ― Isaac Asimov

 

Can online dating lead to scam phone calls?

08 Thursday Aug 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating

≈ 44 Comments

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I think so!

I have been on dating sites on and off for a long time.  By now I am a pro, or so I like to believe. I go out of my way to be safe and not take chances.  I can normally spot a fake, phony or scam profile a mile away.

But as we are getting smarter online so are the scammers.

In the past I rarely gave my phone number out before meeting someone.  Lately I am more lax about it. If I believe that the person is a real person and serious about meeting I will normally talk or text him before meeting.

I don’t go only by my instincts.  I Google pictures, phone number, parts of the profile, etc.  I play detective, something I enjoy.  It is amazing what one can find online if one digs far enough.

Last week, after I did all my research and thought it was safe, I sent a text to a guy that I had been exchanging messages online.  He never replied.  I looked at his online profile and he was gone. It was very odd.  That had never happened to me before.

I wondered what was the deal.  Why would someone just want my phone number? What for?

This week I think I found out.

Yesterday I got 2 phone calls from 800-325-0778.  A recording said it was from the Social Security Administration and that my social security number was going to be suspended. I was instructed to hit 1 to get more information. Of course I didn’t.

Today I got 2 phones calls from 800-538-9983.  A recording said it was from Apple and that my iCloud account was compromised.  Again I was told to press 1 for more information. Again I didn’t.

I don’t think it is a coincidence.  I think those phone calls are related to the guy that wanted my number and once he got it he disappeared.

1.  If you are online dating, do not give your number out unless you think you know who the person really is. That is what I always did and I will go back to being more strict.

2. If you receive a phone call regarding something sensitive such as social security, credit card, cell phone, etc, never press 1 or any other button.  Just hang up as fast as you can.

3.  Never engage in telephone conversation with anyone that calls with alarming news/information and requesting your personal information. Never ever give out personal information over the phone.

4. Don’t ever call the same number that called you even if seems legit.  Phone numbers can be spoofed and appear legit.  When in doubt it is always best to call the appropriate agency or company directly.

and on that note, I will share the link to a post I wrote years ago about spotting fake profiles: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2016/10/27/how-to-spot-a-fake-dating-profile/

Living, learning and adapting ♥

“Be silent and safe — silence never betrays you; 
Be true to your word and your work and your friend; 
Put least trust in him who is foremost to praise you,
Nor judge of a road till it draw to the end.” 
― John Boyle O’Reilly

 

Right before that little distraction can lead to disaster and destruction

25 Thursday Jul 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

≈ 33 Comments

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“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” ― Steve Maraboli

I almost didn’t write this post.  It is embarrassing. I should know better.  I know better!  And yet I make a fool of myself and all that I believe in.  I try to be a good person and, dare I say, I often succeed. But I am not proud of what I am about to tell you.

A couple of months ago I have wrote this post about eliminating the distractions from my life: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2019/05/09/eliminating-the-distractions/

I wanted to get rid of all the stuff and the people that were not contributing anything positive to my life and that were keeping me from focusing on what is really important in my life. I felt liberated and powerful when I blocked those 3 guys I mentioned on the post.

Somehow I still got a text from AL the other day.  I could have ignored it, but I replied.  The idea of him is still so enticing to me even though I haven’t seen him since he got engaged, 3 years ago.  The power of ‘what could have been” if I was not 17 years older than he is still keeps ringing in my ear.

“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.” ― Lyndon B. Johnson

We dated for over 6 months and it was some of the best times of my life. He didn’t say we stopped seeing each other because of the age difference but I know that it had a lot to do with it.  He got busy with a new business venture and we slowly drifted apart. One day I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said yes.

We still saw each other from time to time, mostly as friends.  Then he told me he got engaged and I chose to never see him again.  I also asked him to stopped texting me, but after almost a year of silence we started texting again.  Then he got married. Again I tried to stop the texting and we would go long stretches not texting, months and months, but I would always end up giving in.

“When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Then as I mentioned on that post,  I made the decision to block some people, and somehow his text arrived.  He sent a text commenting about a soccer game, I replied.  After talking about soccer we were right back to where we always go back to: the memories of the amazing times we had.  The chemistry we have seems to be bigger than us.

This time, as he had done in the past, he asked me out for a drink to catch up. This time unlike I have done so many times in the past, I said yes.  We scheduled for last Wednesday night. I was excited about seeing him again. For a brief moment I allowed myself to forget he was married.  I was lying to myself that it was just a drink with a friend. I was making all kinds of stories in my mind on why it was okay to meet him.  I was holding on to memories of a fun, free time.

“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.” ― Rick Warren

I was lying to myself and I knew it.  We would never be able to sit across from each other and just have a drink, even though we have done it in the past.  There is too much tension now, too much flirting, and too many innuendos.  The time apart created this enormous tension.

Was I ready to kiss a married man?  I knew in my heart that would be the outcome.  I was telling myself that if he is this eager perhaps he is not even married anymore.  We never talked about the wife after he got engaged.  As if not talking about her made her didn’t exist.

This drink held so much potential…potential for destruction.

He was more insistent than normal. He was more full of innuendos, texting me more, everything more.  My gut was trying to tell me something, as if knowing he was married was not something big enough to stop me on my tracks. I sensed something else.  I figured it was my conscience telling me to stop. I sensed doom.

I can’t explain what made me do it, but the day before meeting him I Googled his wife’s name.

BOOM!  There it was!  It hit me like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden saying no to him became so easy.  All of a sudden I woke up from that dreamy stupor of “what if”.  I came face to face with a Baby registry. AL and his wife are about to have a baby in 3 months.

“Men more frequently require to be reminded than informed.” ― Samuel Johnson

I shouldn’t have been shocked but I was. Here he was, trying to meet me while  he has a pregnant wife at home. I immediately asked him and he said: yes, I was saving the news to tell you when we met.

What??? Like that was some great news to me worth celebrating. Like that was really what he had in mind for this meeting.

In 1 second I lost all respect I ever had for him.  And for me!

Don’t get me wrong.  I am happy for him but so grossed out that I almost met him. So grossed out and embarrassed by all my flirting. I should have stopped all this, I don’t even know what to call this.  I should have stopped years ago.

It shouldn’t take a baby to make see all that is wrong with this.  But I do thank that baby for waking me up.

“I demolish my bridges behind me…then there is no choice but to move forward” ― Fridtjof Nansen

I think that for a little bit I just didn’t think and allowed the past memories to take over me.  Whatever excuse I use now it is just that, excuses.  I was willing to meet a married man under the guise of friendship knowing fully well that we both wanted more than just talk.

I can’t let my guard down. I have to stop leaving the door of the past open.  I have to close doors and implode bridges.  I can’t live trying to relive the past.  I have to deal with my reality, with being 53, with being single, and yearning for more.  But wait, don’t cry for me, my reality is pretty sweet. It is just a case of “greener grass”.  I have real grass and the other side AstroTurf.

I said that to him I couldn’t meet him.  And that was that.  There was no big good bye.  There was no declaration of never texting again, there was none of that, and still it was as final as ever. My final words were: “whatever you do, be careful.  You have a lot to lose!”

My lesson is: I need to be watchful of my words, intentions and actions.  Every action has a consequence that often goes beyond myself.  I am embarrassed that I continued flirting with someone that was not available.  I know better.  I know the pain of being cheated on. I know right from wrong.  The blame is all on me. Nobody had a gun to my head forcing me to reply to him.

Oh well, live, learn and try to do better next time.  Good bye past, I have a future to get to!

“It is important that we forgive ourselves for making mistakes. We need to learn from our errors and move on.” ― Steve Maraboli

When the subject is dating, B is history

15 Monday Jul 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

≈ 31 Comments

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I don’t know what happened exactly but it probably had to do with the 2 questions/points I brought up on the last date. After that conversation he was calling and texting less often, which is what I wanted.  I felt I could breathe and for a second I felt this relationship would have a chance.  I was wrong.

Last night I received a call from him.  He sounded serious and said he wanted to be honest with me and share some thoughts he was having.  I knew in my heart that he didn’t want a relationship anymore even before he said anything.

He said that he had been thinking about “us” and remembered things he had learned in therapy.  He said there was competition between us and that reminded him of his ex-wife.  I was just going to let him speak without interruption, but I had to ask: Competition?  What competition? I am a competitive person, but not when it comes to dating.  He then back pedaled and said that he didn’t mean “competition”, he meant conflict, he meant that we are not on the same level.

Was he trying to say that I was competing with him financially? I was not.  We have different styles.  At any rate I didn’t see the need to argue the point with him.  At the end of the day he wants to stop seeing me and I agree with that.  No sense in splitting hairs.

I let him speak some more.  He was talking a mile a minute, as if he was trying to assure himself he was doing the right thing or perhaps he was trying to find the right words to let me down easy, the “it is me, not you” type of thing.

He didn’t have to. I am weirdly relieved. Back to the comfort of single-hood. Back to searching.

At one point, when it seemed that he was just making the same point over and over again, I thanked him for his honesty and wished him luck.

And I meant it, he an awesome guy, I wish him the best.  There is a right person for him, but I am not the one.

He immediately blocked me on the dating site.  I don’t get!  A day ago he acted as if I was the love of his life, today I am persona non-grata. Oh well…But perhaps I understand it. Perhaps he wants to make sure that there is no turning back.

I still think I did the right thing by speaking up about what was giving me concern about pursuing a relationship with him.  Was it too early to talk about things? I think it is never too early.  I believe in honesty and kindness. The only kind thing to do is to be honest.

He probably learned not to be too eager, or appear too needy, or disclose his finances on the first date.  I learned…I am not sure what I learned, but I know there is always a lesson. Oftentimes more than one.

“Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape — all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can’t stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.”  ― Pema Chödrön

He survived the third date. Will there be a fourth?

13 Saturday Jul 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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The third date with B was on Wednesday night.  We went to a new restaurant in my town called Maria.  The place was beautiful and cozy, the food and service was good.  I would go back.

I met B in front of my building.  He brought me the roses in the picture above.  He opens car doors, he pulls chairs, he laughs at all of my jokes, he looks adoringly at me.  He is a gentleman.

But something still seems to keep me from investing 100% of me into this relationship.  I overthink things.  I think in terms of months down the road.

I can think of 2 reasons why I would be hesitant:

  1. I am afraid of getting hurt. I want to say that is not the case, but could it be?
  2. I am afraid of hurting him. For sure I would rather break things off now if I know that I am going to end up hurting him. Will I be able to like him the same way that he seems to like me?

It seems that I went from having my heart do all the talking to now just having my mind completely take over. I am lost without my heart to guide me.

I brought up to him the 2 concerns that I mentioned in the prior post.

  1. The financial issue.  I am concerned he doesn’t know how to manage his money. I am concerned that he spends frivolously instead of paying bills first.  To this he mentioned that when he was married his wife liked to spend a lot money.  He said that he tried to make her happy by buying her whatever she wanted I called him on it, after all it takes two to tango.  He said that he has learned his lesson and never uses a credit unless he has the money to pay.  His credit card bill was 70k and is now 18k.  I am keeping an open mind.
  2. Liking me a bit too much too soon.  I mentioned to him that I like attention but if it is overboard, it seems fake and he will send me running.  Jokingly, he said he will try not to like me too much.  I have noticed that since the date he has toned down the texting and calling. I feel better about it.

oh yeah, I am forgetting the best part. We kissed, and it was good!  Soft lips, gentle, and yet passionate.  I wouldn’t mind kissing him again.

At this point I am choosing to take the slow, one day at a time approach.

Stay tuned… I am!

“Hopeless heart that thrives on paradox; that longs for the beloved and is secretly relieved when the beloved is not there.” ― Jeanette Winterson, The Passion

What is worst than pulling teeth?

07 Sunday Jul 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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What is worst than pulling teeth?

A date with an arrogant dentist!  But excuse me; he is not a regular dentist, as he reminded me a bunch of times.  He is a prothodontist.   He makes a lot of money, which he made a point of telling me more than once.

The date was all about him.  Besides talking about how successful he was, he enjoyed talking about being popular with young women.  The last 2 women he dated were less than half his age.  He said he broke things off when they wanted to have sex after only a few dates and he doesn’t want that.  He wants a commitment.  If he wants a commitment why is he going out with women that are younger than his youngest son?  I didn’t bother asking that.

He also wanted to talk a lot about online dating itself, the website and his experience there, all negative.  He didn’t make a single positive comment about it.  While I agree online dating could be much better I think it is silly to waste time on a first date complaining about it.  After all, online dating is the place that brought us together.  He focused too much on all the is negative.  I don’t like complainers.

When I was able to get a word in he made sure to disagree with me.  It seems he just disagreed for the sake of disagreeing.  A lot doesn’t bother me so I made the best of it and stayed for the whole dinner, but needless to say there will be no second date.

Speaking of second dates.  I did have a second date with B.  I haven’t mentioned him here yet, so the next post will be all about him.  Stay tuned.

“Self-centered people often get angry when someone tells them no.  Stan said yes out of fear that he would lose love and that other people would get angry at him. These false motives and others keep us from setting boundaries:” ― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

Ask and you shall receive… a lame reply

30 Sunday Jun 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

≈ 10 Comments

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“Peace is letting it be. Letting life flow, letting emotions flow through you.” ― Kamal Ravikant

J. continues to text me every day but hasn’t mentioned going out again or why he hasn’t asked me out last weekend.

While I no longer think of him romantically I still think he is a good person and have continued replying to his texts.

It was hard to think that it was over before it began.  We had seemed to be ideal for each other, we had a lot in common, such as:

  • We are both twins
  • We are both in the same job for over 18 years
  • We are both single with no kids
  • We are both very close and help our families
  • We are both Seinfeld fans, finding episodes to fit every daily situation
  • and the list goes on and on as every day we found a similarity

Also, his twin brother is married to a Brazilian lady, so it seemed perfect.

I remain curious about what happened, but not curious enough to ask… until last night…

Last night, Saturday, after we exchanged several texts throughout the day and evening, on the spur of the moment I wrote:                                                           “I can see you lost interest and doesn’t want to meet again. I am not sure what happened, I thought we had a connection. I don’t understand it but I respect it.”

It was a stupid thing to write but I am guessing I wanted to end it on my side and officially say to myself and to him it is done and I am okay.  I guess I also wanted him to know that I was no longer expecting or wanting anything.

As soon as I hit send, I felt relieved.  I felt as if a chapter had closed and I could move on.    I didn’t care about his reply or even if he would reply.  My phone buzzed 20 minutes later signaling an incoming message and I didn’t jump at it to read it.

“It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.” ― George Washington

When I eventually looked at it, it read:
“I am sorry you feel that way. Perhaps we can try to plan something for this week? I haven’t lost interest in you.”

I didn’t even know what to reply to that. I just said: ” No that is okay, we can just be texting buddies”.

And I added the cartoon below:  (I always added funny images to my texts to him.  I thought this one would be fitting)

And I meant what I said, I am no longer interested, no matter what answer he had given me.  I harbor no animosity but don’t feel like getting together again.  His actions were not compatible with all he had told me on those first 2 dates.

Later on he wrote:                                                                                                   “haha. Too boring for me.  I want the real thing.”

“Actions defined a man; words were a fart in the wind.” ― Mario Puzo

I didn’t reply.  He had the real thing and didn’t know what to do with it.  I say thanks to my guardian angels as I know that any time something that seems good for me gets removed from my life it is because it wouldn’t be good for me in the long run.  I don’t need to know the reasons, I just need to believe that all is as it is supposed to be.

Oh well, next!

“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.” ― Tupac Shakur

 

Breaking up a non-relationship : Ending before it starts

25 Tuesday Jun 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

≈ 10 Comments

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“To conceal anything from those to whom I am attached, is not in my nature. I can never close my lips where I have opened my heart.” ― Charles Dickens

It is funny breaking up with someone when there was never a “we”.  There was a potential “we”, a future “we”, but never a “we” now.  Still I realize the need to break things off.  He had a “we” in his heart and mind.  I couldn’t let that go on.

I wanted to wait and tell D. in person of my decision to stop seeing him until his life was sorted out.

Even though we really don’t have anything and have gone only as far as a kiss on the lips and a hug, I always felt that he thought this was a full blown committed relationship.

I hate the idea that I am leading somebody on, even though I have told him many times that I am still on the dating site and would continue to date other people.

With each passing day I was agonizing over it, so to preserve my sanity and to feel I have done right by him I wrote him a text this morning.  See below.

It was a spur of the moment decision.  I probably could have done a better job of writing the text.  Now rereading it I cringe, I definitely could have been clearer and kinder.  But I am glad I sent it.

Now it is done, and it seems he understood.  I was getting the feeling that he was feeling under pressure to sell the house and get things resolved because of me.  I like to think that now he can sit back, relax and do things in his own pace and follow his heart.

But above all, I don’t want miscommunications, misunderstandings and never ever cause anybody any pain that could have been avoided.