Tag Archives: online dating

What about Dating? Am I too busy, too lazy , too distracted or just not interested?

20 Wednesday May 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Many things interested her and nothing satisfied her entirely.”
― Ivan Turgenev

Do you remember my friend A, the natural doctor?  It had been a long time since we had spoken on the phone.  I met him on a dating site in 2015. We had a couple of dates and then he disappeared.  When he resurfaced we started going out again but only as friends.  We became great friends.

For awhile we had a Sunday routine of going to the gym, then the sauna, then going for a healthy meal.  Then he got busy, I got busy.  Then he got a girlfriend, and became even busier.  Our friendship just became a text every now and then, which he initiated because, to be honest, I am the worst at keeping in touch. 

“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.”― Mark Twain

The other day he reached out and we scheduled a call to catch up.  It was fun.  We spoke about everything, including as:

  • Canceled trips: He was going to Paris and Italy in April with his girlfriend.  I was going to Brazil in April.
  • Supplements and vitamins: I have been taking pretty much the same ones I listed here: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2018/08/08/vitamins-supplements-and-positive-thinking/.  He is the one that has prescribed most of those to help me with my gum issues. He mentioned that he is now also taking Blue-Green Algae and raved about it.  I need to look into that.
  • Real Estate: He is talking about buying an apartment.  He lives in the same town I do.  He has been renting but his rent has been increased so he thinks that now it is time to buy.  I am all for buying and stop paying rent.
  • Books: The list of books that I have started and have yet to finish is endless.  I realized that in going on and on about all my books I never asked him about what he is reading now.  He did mention that one of the ones that I have yet to finish is his all-time favorite book: The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer.
  • Plans for when the quarantine is over:  We both agree that we miss getting massages and going out to eat the most. 
  • and among many other topics, he asked me one question that stumped me:  What about dating?

“Is it that you don’t like people, or that you just grow tired of them and can’t for the life of you remember why you ever found them interesting?”― André Aciman, Find Me

What about dating indeed.  I haven’t thought about dating at all, since M. and I parted ways, a couple of months ago.  I was about to take a break from dating when I met him. I deleted my profiles and gave us a chance.  It didn’t work.  Any time a relationship, or just a date doesn’t end up as I wished,  I don’t despair.  I feel it brings me a step closer to the one time that it will work. I always walk away with something, some lesson.  This time was no different.

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”― Haruki Murakami

There were red flags.  I ignored them and hoped for the best. I erroneously thought I could have a relationship with a die-hard Trump fan.  I thought that as long as we didn’t discuss politics we would be okay. Wrong! Politics, specially nowadays need to be discussed, even if just to agree to disagree.  

https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2020/03/14/loves-trump-hates-immigrants-and-is-clueless-about-sex-not-my-match-the-mistakes-i-made-and-lessons-i-learned-in-this-short-lived-relationship/

When it all came to a head I knew I was ready for that break.  Then quarantine hit, and on top of that I got busy with working on getting my new office set up.

Dating took a back sit.  Still, it is only a matter of time until I get back to online dating.  I enjoy meeting new people, the flirty back and forth, the first date, and all the infinite possibilities.  Above all, I will forever look for my Mr. Right until I find him, if he doesn’t find me first.  So sooner or later I will be describing first dates again.

But for now I am just too busy, too lazy, too distracted or perhaps just not that interested.

“Be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet. Make all your friends feel there is something special in them. Look at the sunny side of everything. Think only the best, be as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give everyone a smile. Spend so much time improving yourself that you have no time left to criticize others. Be too big for worry and too noble for anger.”― Norman Vincent Peale

 

Letting Silence be a Teacher

20 Thursday Feb 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“My thought is me: that’s why I can’t stop. I exist because I think… and I can’t stop myself from thinking. At this very moment – it’s frightful – if I exist, it is because I am horrified at existing. I am the one who pulls myself from the nothingness to which I aspire.” ― Jean-Paul Sartre, Nausea

Even though the weekend was great, there were instances when I saw expectations trying to creep in. That happened on the moments of silence.

Anytime it was quiet I could see my mind swirling with ideas of what to do and what to talk about. I would also think of what he should be doing. I expected.

I resisted those ideas. I shooed them away. I would tell myself: “all is as it is supposed to be. No need for words.”

M is on the quieter side. I think that most people are when compared to me. So in relationships I will often do most of the talking for the simple reason that silence makes me uncomfortable.

I am trying to be okay with silence and not feel that I have to fill it with unnecessary conversation.

This weekend, I tried. Any time there was silence I let it sit there. I let myself be uncomfortable. I made myself work with it.

“Silence is a source of Great Strength.” – ― Lao Tzu

Thoughts came and went. I didn’t voice them. The thoughts would come to the tip of my tongue and I would suppress them. Questions would pop up in my mind and I would purposely ignore them. It was not easy.

I thought of myself as getting stronger and stronger any time I fought the urge to speak.

It has been hard dealing with silence and not let expectations walk in. I realized that I need to be constantly entertained if I am with someone.

I cannot be together alone with my thoughts.

“Speak only if it improves upon the silence.” – Mahatma Gandhi

My thoughts are dangerous to a relationship in its infancy. My mind analyses, dissects, questions, expects. Nothing is good enough or perfect enough. Nothing will ever be as my mind conjures up. Nothing can ever compare to my expectations.

I admire people that can sit on a couch in silence and just be, with or without someone. I can’t.

Silence if I am alone is a little more bearable, but silence with another person kills me.

To me, worse than being with someone I can’t talk to, is being with someone I can’t be silent with.

“You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts.”― Kahlil Gibran

Don’t get me wrong. Let me clarify 2 points:

  1. I love being alone. It is not that I am incapable of being alone. But if I am with someone I need the interaction. I need the exchange of words and ideas. I need that give and take.
  2. If I really want to talk about something I will. But I am trying to make a distinction between talking to fill the space and talking because I think it has meaning/message/a point. I want to learn the difference between wanting to talk and needing to talk.

“This is the longest I have been silent with someone” – I think to myself as we sit in the living room. I have a book that I am trying to finish. He was replying to some emails from work. There was music playing and still I could hear the silence.

There is a subtle difference in talking to get to know each other and talking just not be in silence. This weekend I began to know the difference.

This past weekend silence reigned and I happily struggled!

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”
― Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

No control, no problem!

10 Monday Feb 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Peace begins
When expectation ends.”
― Sri Chinmoy

M and I continue to date.  We talk every night.  We don’t text a lot and don’t see each other at lot.  He works nights, and since he is about to retire at the end of this month he has tons to get done before that.  I said I understood.

I wrote this post the other day when I was contemplating my feelings and behavior in this relationship.  Even though I am interested in him and I enjoy spending time with him I am not standing by the phone or stressing out if he takes too long to call.

In prior relationships anything would give me the sense of doom. A call not returned, a texted not replied, I would already start foreseeing the end.  Now I am different.  I don’t care.  I don’t give any power to things that happen or don’t happen.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”― Rumi

I have been feeling so free and less stressed as a result of not overthinking and not overreacting.  It is great having no expectations and taking one day at a time.

When I met M I was about to get off of POF and e-Harmony.  I was tired of those sites and wanted to take a break and then go to another site.  On the second date I told him that I was no longer on POF.  He offered to remove his profile right then and there. I said: “don’t”. I meant it.

At this point I don’t really care what he is doing. I feel free doing this relationship this way. In the past I have tried to dictate, to foresee, to control things. It only caused heartache and pain for me.

I don’t know if he is the one for me.  Time will tell.

I don’t know if my family and friends will like him. Time will tell.

I don’t know if I can accept his convictions. Time will tell.

I don’t know if we will grow together or apart. Time will tell.

In life and in love:

Anytime I try to control the situation I lose.

Anytime I try to foresee the outcome I lose.

Anytime I am in the future planning I lose.

Anytime I am in the past brooding I lose.

Nothing is a guarantee.  Even the best laid plans sometimes fail, why worry about it.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”― Lao Tzu

It feels so good to be free from expectations. I am being vigilant about having expectations. Any time I catch an inkling of expectation I make myself aware of what I am doing and I stop it.

Having no expectations doesn’t mean that I accept poor treatment.  It just means that I am not making somebody else responsible for my needs and wants.

Instead of expecting things from M and from others I am making sure that I am treating myself with the kindness, attention and the love I want and deserve.

I am giving myself more power by letting go of the need to control. I don’t need to control, I don’t need to react.  I don’t need to know and plan every step.  I am in control by letting go of control.  It is funny how that works.

Now I just welcome the good, and reject the bad, as they come, when they come.  I welcome  and rejoice with the little surprises and I don’t stress over the mundane.

This relationship feels calming and so comfortable. It is like wearing pajamas and having a cup of cafe mocha while a cold rain falls outside.

“Don’t despair: despair suggests you are in total control and know what is coming. You don’t – surrender to events with hope.” – Alain de Botton

The first date

20 Monday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“An open mind and a willing heart are the beginning of many a great adventure. Let’s get started.” Colleen Houck, Tiger’s Dream

M. is 56 years old and works in law enforcement. I like that he took charge and chose the location and time of the first date. He asked if I was okay with his choice or would like something else. I was fine with it.

We went to Chat 19 in Larchmont, NY, a place I have been to several times and enjoy. When I got there at 7pm he was waiting for me in the vestibule. We hugged hello, walked in and sat at the bar.

I had a passion-fruit mojito, he had red wine. We shared an appetizer of spring rolls. The conversation just flowed. We talked and laughed non-stop. We talked about everything.

If I was one of those people that paid attention to things I would be able to describe his clothing and shoes, but I am not, so I can’t. I know how he made me feel: comfortable, safe and wanted.

He mentioned that he never gets nervous but he was a little nervous at that moment – I could tell. He apologized if he was staring too much but he said couldn’t help himself because I was so beautiful.  He complimented my face and skin, and said I don’t look my age. He loved my small hands and said I could be a hand model. Even if he overdid a bit (or lot) I enjoyed receiving his compliments. There is no way that I could ever be a hand model, but it was fun to hear him say that.

The conversation about being a hand model led us to talk about our mutual love of Seinfeld. We both also love the movie Shawshank Redemption. We have similar tastes in a lot of things.

Then he brought up politics and the similarities ended.  I cringed. Lately it seems that is one topic that can make or break potential relationships. Turns out he voted for Trump. I mentioned that I didn’t and will not ever. We talked a little bit about our reasons, but quickly moved on from that subject.

We survived that topic.  I liked that he didn’t try to convince me of anything.  He was respectful and open minded.

Then a musical trio arrived at the restaurant and started playing. It was fun but it was loud so we listened to a few songs and headed out.

We walked towards my car holding hands. It felt natural and comfortable. We got to my car and as I said goodnight we leaned into each and quickly kissed on the lips.

I got in and started the car. I lowered my window, he leaned his head inside the car and kissed me again. After he moved away I pulled him back in and this time it was a longer kiss. I could kiss him the whole night.

We then said good bye and I drove home. Five minutes later he was already texting me to say thank you for the great evening and that he couldn’t wait to see me again. I felt the same way.

It was clear we liked each other. This is exciting and I can’t wait to see what the future holds.

The second date is already tomorrow.  It is Martin Luther King’s day and I am off from work so we are going to have lunch before he goes to work. He works from 3pm to midnight.

Stay tuned…

“I want love, passion, honesty, and companionship… sex that drives me crazy and conversation that drives me sane.”― Steve Maraboli

Sometimes it does work

19 Sunday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Great things happen to those who don’t stop believing, trying, learning, and being grateful.” – Roy T. Bennett

After not dating for awhile I agreed to meet someone tonight.  We have already spoken on the phone a few times.  We both love to talk and have a lot to say so the conversation just flows.  We seem to have the same values and think along the same lines.  I am excited about it.

As we speak and get to know each other we are both getting more and more excited about the possibilities.  But he has been very quick to let me know that he is making no promises and anything can happen.  He doesn’t want to disappoint me, and of course he also doesn’t want to be disappointed.

I understand why he speaks in such a way.  The search for a partner can be frustrating.  It feels like it will never happen.

May be I am the one for him and he is the one for me, but the chances are slim.  Still I want to believe and I want him to believe.  I want everyone to believe that it will happen for them.

I will go on this date aware that the chemistry and congeniality we have on the phone may not be there in person. Every single time I must believe.  Otherwise what is the point? Otherwise why go?

For each time he mentions it may not work I think to myself: it may work.

“My heart might be bruised, but it will recover and become capable of seeing beauty of life once more. It’s happened before, it will happen again, I’m sure. When someone leaves, it’s because someone else is about to arrive–I’ll find love again.” – Paulo Coelho, The Zahir

 

A Joe, a Jerk and an Unapologetically Aries

10 Saturday Aug 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“We are all hypocrites. We cannot see ourselves or judge ourselves the way we see and judge others.” ― José Emilio Pacheco

Joe. He is one of the Joe’s I wrote about the other day.  I was not sure I like the idea of being asked out just because it was convenient.  I was not excited about him romantically either. For those reasons I didn’t think a second date would happen.

But it did! It happened because it was convenient – oh the hypocrisy of it all! Shame on me!

Here is my reasoning:  I was not excited about him romantically, but I did have a nice time on the date.  I figured a second meeting wouldn’t hurt, especially since all I had to do was to walk across the street to the same restaurant from the first date.

We had a good time, as we had had the first date.  We talked and joked the whole time but there was no romantic vibes.  Third date?  no, but I am open to meeting as friends.

***

“I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail.”  – ― Abraham Maslow, 

The jerk and the unapologetic Aries

The jerk is a 57 yr old attorney and the unapologetic Aries is me.   We made plans to meet a couple of times and he flaked.  When I said I didn’t want to meet him anymore he asked for another chance and I said ok.

I met him at a Mexican Restaurant near my home. It started off fine with us making some small talk.  He did some complaining about the ex-wife, which is a huge turn off for me, but I was able to change the subject.

Then he mentioned that Aries people are very difficult. He proceeded to tell me all the ways people born under the sign of Aries are extremely difficult to get along with, specially with a Sagittarius(him).  He said that I showed how difficult I was when I had decided not to meet him because he had canceled last minute twice.  He went on and on.

I agreed with him.  I don’t think he expected that.  I think he expected an argument.  Why would I try to disagree with him?  It wouldn’t change anything.  It would just make me not enjoy my food.  I ordered the skirt steak and I was looking forward to it.

Aries people can indeed be difficult people.  We are impatient and opinionated.  We are impulsive and think we know it all.  We are also great leaders, fiercely independent, passionate lovers and generous to a fault.

Instead of defending Arieses (is this really the plural of Aries, just seems such a funny word), I asked him questions about Astrology.  He seemed to know a lot about it.  I did ask him why did he want to meet me since, according to him, we were not a match?  He said he was open minded.  I laughed.

Certain traits are definitely more distinguished among people of a same sign, that is for sure. I have been able to guess some people’s signs just by the way they conducted themselves.  Every sign has its good and bad traits, but to generalize and make assumptions like he did is troublesome and unfair.

Two of my favorite people are Sagittarius. We have an amazing relationship. So Sagittarius and Aries can get along.

I am so happy to be an Aries!  I think it is the best sign in the zodiac!  🙂

He came in ready to dislike me.  He succeeded in that and more.  I didn’t like him either.  The skirt steak however, was divine!

“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” ― Isaac Asimov

 

Two fun weekends and two guys named Joe

31 Wednesday Jul 2019

Posted by in Daily Life

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“Reclaim your curiosity, your sense of adventure, and have some fun. Don’t take every moment of your life so seriously. Allow yourself to enjoy life.” ― Akiroq Brost

A little glimpse of what I have been doing the last couple of weeks, when I was not too busy texting a married guy (a little self-deprecation humor never hurts)

Work:  I sent the final response letter to the auditors yesterday.  I thought this day would never come.  I hope this response is acceptable and I won’t hear from them for another few years.   Now I am preparing for a lot changes at work. I will be talking more about it in the next month or so.

My sister and I had a busy couple of weekends with friends visiting.

July 20th. A 27 year old friend of mine came for the weekend. On Saturday we went to a Quiet Clubbing/Silent Disco event at 230 Fifth Ave in Manhattan.  We were given headphones with 3 stations.  There were 3 DJs and we got to choose which one to listen to.  I had fun flipping from station to station and when it all got too much I just removed the headphones and silence reigned.  It was a fun experience.  On Sunday we went for brunch at Chat 19 in Larchmont, NY.  Always a favorite place to go to for a meal.

July 27th. A 57 year old friend of my sister visited.  On Saturday we went to a new restaurant I wanted to try: Little Drunken Chef in White Plains, NY.  It was a fun atmosphere and great food. We had, among other things, the empanadas in the picture above.  After that we went to the Empire City Casino.  No big win, but no big loss either.  On Sunday we had pizza at Colony Pizza in Port Chester, NY.  It was my first time eating their pizza in over 20 years.  It is a very thin crust, delicious! I also had the best prosecco ever, in the picture below!

Dates: In the past week I had 2 dates with guys named Joe.

First Joe.  He is 50 years old. He is in IT and has a young son. We met at Modern Restaurant in New Rochelle.  We shared a pizza.  He seems very nice, but is constantly busy even to reply to texts.  It seems more like lack of interest.  He asked me out for drinks next Monday night because he will be in my area for business.  I am not sure I like the idea of being asked out just because it is convenient.  I was not excited about him to begin with, so I think the second date will not happen.

Second Joe.  He is 65 years old. He is semi-retired accountant. We met at Burrata in White Plains, NY.  I had delicious short ribs filled pasta dish.   The conversation was great until it turned to politics.  I am not a fan of Trump but I am respectful of other people’s opinion.  He is a hardcore Trump fan.  He detests immigrants, but as he says it, from certain countries only, trying to tell me that Brazilians are okay, but Guatemalans are not.  He wanted to go on and on about Trump to try to change my mind.  I asked him to stop.  I said I understood both sides of the immigration debate, and I do.  I said I hope that Trump is successful as I love the US but it would be a waste of time to try to change how I feel about him.  Finally I was able to change the subject and it seemed that we were able to forget about politics and enjoy dinner.

I got home and sent a text thanking him for dinner.  He replied the next morning with a long list of compliments about me, with everything from smart to funny and everything else in between.  Then there was just silence.  I was not excited about him but I decided to confront the silence.  That is a new thing for me.  I would normally just ignore, since silence is an answer in itself but I decided to ask what happened.

He replied with, again, many compliments but said that he was no sure about me because of our political separation. He said he loved Trump and he was not happy about Obama.  Why did Obama make an appearance in this conversation I don’t know.  I said thank you for the explanation and wished him luck.

Next!

“Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.” ― Roy T. Bennett

Breaking up a non-relationship : Ending before it starts

25 Tuesday Jun 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“To conceal anything from those to whom I am attached, is not in my nature. I can never close my lips where I have opened my heart.” ― Charles Dickens

It is funny breaking up with someone when there was never a “we”.  There was a potential “we”, a future “we”, but never a “we” now.  Still I realize the need to break things off.  He had a “we” in his heart and mind.  I couldn’t let that go on.

I wanted to wait and tell D. in person of my decision to stop seeing him until his life was sorted out.

Even though we really don’t have anything and have gone only as far as a kiss on the lips and a hug, I always felt that he thought this was a full blown committed relationship.

I hate the idea that I am leading somebody on, even though I have told him many times that I am still on the dating site and would continue to date other people.

With each passing day I was agonizing over it, so to preserve my sanity and to feel I have done right by him I wrote him a text this morning.  See below.

It was a spur of the moment decision.  I probably could have done a better job of writing the text.  Now rereading it I cringe, I definitely could have been clearer and kinder.  But I am glad I sent it.

Now it is done, and it seems he understood.  I was getting the feeling that he was feeling under pressure to sell the house and get things resolved because of me.  I like to think that now he can sit back, relax and do things in his own pace and follow his heart.

But above all, I don’t want miscommunications, misunderstandings and never ever cause anybody any pain that could have been avoided.

The elusive third date

24 Monday Jun 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“Life is a long preparation for something that never happens.”  –― W.B. Yeats

Amazing what a difference a couple of days makes.  On Friday I was all excited about the third date with J. this weekend.

Now, Monday morning,  I am sitting here wondering what happened. Ok, I am not wondering too much.  I am used to online dating.  I have learned to expect anything, everything and nothing.  People are fickle.

But really, what happened? Is it an issue with communication? Expectations? No, I think it is just a case of “he is just not that into me”.

The truth is easy and simple:  if nothing is happening is because there is no interest.

We had 2 great fun dates.   We laughed, joked and ate great food.  He seemed interested.  We text many times throughout the day, every single day.  We still do.  He is texting me as I write this.

On Wednesday he asked me when we would see each other again. I responded: ”When you ask me out again”.  He replied: “Perhaps this weekend if you are not too busy”.  I said: “as of now I am completely free”.  To me that is a big open door, all he has to do is walk through it.  He didn’t.

Patience is a conquering virtue.” – Geoffrey Chaucer

We continued texting.  Friday night came and went, then Saturday, then Sunday.  He never mentioned going out.  I didn’t ask.

I cannot say I was disappointed, but I was surprised.  And of course, I am curious.

My sister said I should have called on Saturday morning and asked if we were going out.  I didn’t want to.  I just went about my life.  I don’t want to be forcing a guy to go out with me.

As we were texting throughout the day yesterday I wrote:  “I thought I was going to see you this weekend .  He answered: “me too”.  He proceeded to text me pictures of his dog.

At one point when I asked how was his Saturday night, he said he went to fix his mother’s toilette.

I know that I could have been the one to ask him out.  I would have and have done in the past with other guys, but it never turned out well.  I end up realizing that the guy didn’t really want to see me again to begin with and I felt like I was forcing the situation.

“That was the thing about the world: it wasn’t that things were harder than you thought they were going to be, it was that they were hard in ways that you didn’t expect.” ― Lev Grossman

I am looking for a man that is more “take charge”, specially in the beginning.  I am aggressive by nature.   I go after what I want.  But in regards to dating I like the man to take the wheel, otherwise I will, and then resent him for it.  I will become the boss of the relationship, in charge of everything.  I don’t want that.  Was he waiting for me to say anything? Who knows.  The truth is that if he was, then we are not a match.

I will be clear with a guy about my interest.  No one has to read my mind. But I want him to step up and make the plans, at least in the beginning. Wrong or right it is what I want and need.

Will there a third date?  Who knows? All he has to do is ask.  I want to tell him: “You better strike while the iron is hot” 😉  because is getting cold by the minute.

Things are exactly the way they should be.  I am learning to just let nature take its course and not force anything.

I continue learning, getting better and happier!

 “Let nature take its course. By letting each thing act in accordance with its own nature, everything that needs to be done gets done.” ~”― Lao Tzu

What not to say on a first day

06 Thursday Jun 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.” ― E.E. Cummings

Last Thursday I decided to accept a spur of the moment invitation for coffee.  This is a person that I had just started exchanging messages with and didn’t know anything about him.  I wasn’t that interested but thought I could spare 10 minutes and see if there was any chemistry.  After all, how bad could it be?

BAD! It was really bad.  I am normally able to get something out of any date I have, except this one.  It is common for me not to have any chemistry but to like the person enough to want a friendship, but not with this one.

As soon as I sat down, and by the way he sat on the chair and I had to sit on top of the air vent.  As he studied my face he asked: Do you only wear glasses? Do you plan on getting contact lenses?   I said: no.  I was a little taken aback by this question.  He pressed on: Why not?  You never considered it?

I said: No, not really.  On my list of things to do or to change about myself, contact lenses comes in at the very last, if at all.

He seemed disappointed and proceed to tell me how an ex-girlfriend once convinced him that everyone looks better without glasses.  No matter how beautiful someone is, glasses are never a good look. So he now wear contacts. Then, sounding disappointed he added:  but you already said you have no interest.

I changed the subject by asking him about his day and his work.  He mentioned he was almost retired.  That he was tired of dealing with employees and now only took care of a few select clients.  He has some kind of electrical work company.

“Conceited people never hear anything but praise.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Instead of perhaps asking about my day and my job, he then asked me what I thought of all the men online.  Before I had a change to answer his question, he said: I have been told that most men are short and bald, so because I am tall and have all my hair I am better than 99% of the men online.

I politely reminded him that hair and height was not what I valued about people, that I was interested in the whole person, and more about the inside than the outside.  I doubt he heard me. If he did, he ignored it.

I geared the conversation towards food.  I asked him if he cooked.  He said that now he did, but for the longest time all he did was eat in fancy restaurants.  He mentioned how an ex-girlfriend turned him into a foodie and a traveler. He also mentioned that she paid for everything. But added: but I am not going into that now.

He also mentioned an ex-girlfriend that disappeared after she spent a weekend at his apartment.  He suspects that she was after his money and needed a green card and after she saw that he lived in a studio she thought that there was nothing there for her to go after.  He asked me if I agreed with that assumption since the girl in question was also Brazilian. I said: “that calls for a lot of speculation and assumption and I am not about to do that without having her side of the story”  I got a disappointed face again.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” Theodore Roosevelt

After these painful minutes I got up to leave mentioning a train I had to catch.  He got up with me and hugged me good bye.  He then asked if I was intimidated by his height.  I looked at him in surprise and asked:  Why would I?  Why would anyone?  He looked disappointed again. One would think he is 7 feet tall, but even though he said he is 6’4, I don’t believe it.  My boss is 6’4 and this guy was definitely shorter.

Needless to say I had zero interest in getting to know him better.  He emailed that night to say that he was unsure about the chemistry – as if there was any chance I would be interested in him. I, humoring him, said: sleep on it.

The next morning I wrote him and I said that there was really zero chemistry and wished him luck.  He asked me to keep his number in case I ever had any event to attend and wanted him to accompany me.  I wanted to reply that he was just too old to be a gigolo, but chose silence instead.

And another bullet was dodged 🙂

“He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.”  – ― George Bernard Shaw