“Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” – Rumi
Disclaimer: I didn’t have a chance to edit again, so please pardon the typos etc. It is a case if I don’t publish now, I fear I will never publish it.
Hbsuefred https://hbsuefred.com/ wrote me a comment that hit me in such a deep way that I decided to write my reply to her in the form of a post.
This was her comment:
As a newly single older gal, I feel so blessed to be schooled by you and others in a similar position who share their experiences. So far, I think the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that it’s a lot of work which to me makes it seem not worth the effort. Of course, I met my idiot ex (he filed after 30 years of marriage) through a dating service.
The fact that he just took wife #4 whom I believe he met on a dating website confirms that probably the older men one meets that way are generally not keepers. Of course I’m a bit jaded after stumbling on new wifey’s name and fb page where she posted wedding pix of ceremony that looks like it took place pretty recently and on which she and all her friends extol his virtues. None of them knows the morose alcoholic as well as I do. In fact, they may not even know that about him, including her!
The kicker was that ceremony and holiday pix from end of last year were taken in my old living room! However, after taking another stroll down memory lane (the written through correspondence history of our demise) this time there were no tears as it made me realize how long I put up with his crap and how much better off I am now without him.
Thanks for letting me vent. I hope your audit is successfully completed soon and that you keep sharing your adventures in dating which may someday be successful as well. In the meantime, enjoy your upcoming break. Will it have another purpose of preparing you for the upcoming dreaded holidays?
Here is my reply in 2 parts: Heartbreak and Online Dating.
You can vent here any time you want. 30 years is a real long time to share your life with someone, only to have that be taken it away from you. It is cruel to have that life you knew disappear. My heart aches for you.
This is the first time in a real long time that I was taken back to that very painful period of time in my life, over 10 years ago. My relationship was only a fraction of time of yours. Mine lasted 3 years, but the pain was so deep that I thought I was going to die from a broken heart. I can’t begin to imagine your pain.
When you mentioned seeing pictures of the new wife taken in your old living room, I recall how I felt coming across similar details. It was like I was being punched in the stomach. It was a slap in the face to see how easily I had been replaced. I feel your pain. I feel the devastation. I feel the anger.
I felt alone, sad, and stuck in the past, while he so quick and seamlessly continued life with somebody new. For a long time I wanted my life back, I wanted him back. As if he was a such a great prize. I was the prize, but he was too dumb to see it.
For some time I wanted to hear him say: “I am sorry I cheated on you and hurt you”. As if he would ever possess any sense of guilt or would ever acknowledge any wrongdoing.
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ―
I went through all the stages of grief. The one that I got stuck on the longest was denial. I kept lying to myself. First, that it was not happening. Second, that he would come back. Thankfully he never did, otherwise I would probably have taken him back, only to be cheated on over and over again.
I didn’t know how to imagine my life without him. I became blind and powerless. It was as if he was the last man in the world. How wrong I was. Looking back I shudder to realize how long I allowed myself to feel like a victim and how much time I wasted wallowing in pity.
One of the best things I did was to stop looking at social media and googling him and the new girlfriend. Every time I searched for him and her, I was being sucked back into the pain and anger. It was hard not to give into the curiosity, but I felt more powerful every time I had the urge to look him up and I didn’t. That power kept getting stronger to the point that the urge is no longer there. He is past, and I have left him there.
A morose alcoholic? Who needs that anyway? I can only imagine what you have gone through all those 30 years. How much of you you forgot and ignored to cater to him?
I am glad that you are able to see how much better off you are now. It seems that you are well on your way to forgetting, forgiving and rebuilding. We both received the gift of freedom, even though it didn’t feel like at the moment. We were blessed that men that didn’t belong, didn’t add anything, didn’t help us grow, were removed from our life. We were too much into the relationship to see we needed to get out and do it on our own, instead we got a little push, well, a big shove really.
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ―
It was the hardest thing I went through and it changed me… for the better, and I am sure is the same with you. I now accept all, the good and the bad, with grace. Everything is either a wonderful experience or a lesson. The lessons are necessary. Receive it, learn it, move on. Don’t miss the wonderful experience of the moment being sad about the past.
We loved. We learned lessons. We are aware. We are fully alive. We now can explore. We can do whatever we please, be the masters of our destiny. We can do everything or nothing. We are open to possibilities.
Yet, it is not all sunshine and butterflies now. I have my moments. I have the moments that my ego takes control. I have the moments that I become a victim all over again. There are times I feel powerless, helpless, loveless. I work real hard at not letting those moments suck me in. I make sure those don’t last. I immediately turn to gratitude. I start making a list of all the good that is in my life. Focusing on the positive is my way out. Gratitude for all I so blessedly have is my go-to weapon.
The pain goes away… eventually. It is a fight, everyday. Enjoy all the new steps, big and small. Celebrate yourself each and every day. One thing I know for sure: You will thrive!
“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” ―
I know that online dating, and dating in general, seems like a lot work. It is. But to me it is worth the hassle. My attitude has changed a lot from when I first started doing online dating,10 years ago, to right now writing this.
I believe I will find the One, but it is not longer the reason why I do it. My One may not even be on a dating site. So, for now, my focus is on meeting new people, enjoying the moment and being fully present with each person I meet.
The one thing I would love for you to get from reading my blog is to be open to possibilities. All of them. Give dating, online and otherwise, a chance. Give people, love, life, fun, a chance.
I fear that, sometimes, with my dating stories written here, I am discouraging people from giving online dating a chance. It is a pain, there are fakes, jerks, losers, clueless, there are all kinds. I believe that there are some amazing people out there also. I am a good person, and I can’t be the only good person doing online dating, could I? I believe good attracts good. Good energy and good heart will attract good energy and good heart.
I enjoy meeting new people, learning about their background, interests, etc. I have accepted dates before to just get out of the house, and those normally end up frustrating. So I now only go on a date if I see potential for fun, friendship or more.
10 years is a long time to be online dating and still be alone, some have pointed out to me in the past. I never expected to still be alone, but I don’t blame the dating sites. I am still single not because I haven’t found a good man. I have found many good men. I just haven’t found the one that makes me want to let go of being single.
The older I get the harder it will be for me to part ways with my singlehood. The older I get the more I realize what a wonderful life I have. It is hard to find someone to come in and add to it. That is the key. I am looking for some to add to my life. To add joy, beauty, wonder, possibilities, not to add dramas, insecurities, headaches, etc. I don’t want dead weight.
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ―
I am also well aware that, perhaps, I will forever fear giving my whole self to someone again; and that is something that I continuously work on. I strive to be open, trusting and non-judgmental.
I don’t see being alone at this point in time a failure. I see being happy and grateful as a success, and that I am. Online success to me doesn’t mean coming away with a boyfriend. Success online to me is now measured in small bites. Dinner with a great person is a success in my book. Being introduced to new experiences, new interests, new ideas, is always a success to me.
I do get tired of online dating at times. Life gets too busy, I encounter too many jerks in a row, I become disillusioned, and I take a break. Then, when I feel like, I go back to it. To me online dating is a wonderful choice to have and I am grateful for it.
If you ever decide to give it a try please be careful. I have written some posts about it:https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2016/10/27/how-to-spot-a-fake-dating-profile/ and https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2018/01/26/not-just-surviving-but-thriving-while-online-dating/
Please come back and vent here any time. Pardon my liberty of certain assumptions. Pardon my preachiness! Sending love, hugs and blessings to you!
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.