Tag Archives: online dating

Love is in the Air – Easter Weekend Update

13 Thursday Apr 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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 I cannot pretend I am without fear. But my predominant feeling is one of gratitude. I have loved and been loved; I have been given much and I have given something in return; I have read and traveled and thought and written. I have had an intercourse with the world, the special intercourse of writers and readers.

Above all, I have been a sentient being, a thinking animal, on this beautiful planet, and that in itself has been an enormous privilege and adventure.”
― Oliver Sacks, Gratitude

As usual, I am short on time, but I wanted to give everyone an update.  Things with M are going marvelously well!  Love is blooming to coincide with spring. Sometimes I am afraid to talk about it and jinx it.  He adores everything about me.  I keep finding reasons to adore him.

I believe in fairy-tales, and he is becoming my version of fairy-tale.  I plan on enjoying every second for as long as it lasts.  With him I feel natural and beautiful, I don’t care about the stubborn several pounds that I keep losing and getting it back.  I still cannot find a single thing about him that gives me pause.  Nothing.

It doesn’t even matter to me that he lives in Florida.  A state that I said I would never live at.  He gave me the house keys, and says it is my home now.  He said that any time I need, I can just call and he will catch the next flight to NY.

We started communication on Match.com on February 8.  On February 23 we met in person when he flew to NY.  We barely know each other and yet it feels so right.

At times I remind myself that I have been searching for someone for over 10 years, so it may seem fast, and yet it is not. I am grateful, but also aware that it was about time lol

I have already been to Florida twice, and he has come to NY twice.   And we spent time in Park City, UT.

The last meeting was when he came to spend Easter.  He arrived last Thursday afternoon and stayed until Tuesday.  Yesterday, Wednesday, he visited some relatives in NJ and flew back home.

This time he stayed in my apartment.  It was just so easy having him there.  On the day that I had to work, he stayed out of the way watching his financial channels and doing research on some things for me.  When I went to the mosaic studio on Saturday morning, he walked around my neighborhood with my sister.

“That I may be able to say of love (that I had) 

Be not immortal, since it is a flame,

 But be infinite while it lasts” – Vinicius de Moraes

 On the other days he fixed some stuff around my apartment, we went to Kohls, and a couple of other stores, and we also went out to eat a bunch of times.  The most memorable restaurants were:

  • Harvest on Hudson in Hastings, NY. The location is just gorgeous.  The food was not as amazing as it normally is, but still was very good.  We had cod fritters, eggplant meatballs, cod fish with mashed potatoes and cauliflower, and a pasta and asparagus dish.  For dessert we had tiramisu and chocolate tart.  To drink we had the Brazilian Caipirinha (sugar cane alcohol, lime and passionfruit).
  • Telly Taverna in Port Chester.  Beautiful place, great waiters, and amazing food.  We had so many different foods, so is hard to remember, but among the dishes were:  For appetizers: Mixed fried vegetables, zucchini croquettes, fried potatoes, pita bread with hummus and yogurt dip, spanakopita (the best ever!).  For entrees we had: the flounder, the cod, and the salmon.  For dessert they gave us what looked like donut holes with cinnamon and honey.  We went a little nuts with the ordering and took some food home. To drink we all had a different cocktail and all 3 were delicious.  They were: Drunken Telly’s (Passion fruit, citrus, Metaxa and malibu), Paros (Aperol, St Germain, prosecco, Greek honey) and he third one I don’t remember the name, but it had cucumbers in, and it was my least favorite.
  • Alvin and Friends in New Rochelle. We were going to another restaurant, but it was closed for Easter, so we just walked into Alvins.  Always great, but some of the items were not as usual, and a bit pricy as it was $65 per person for the food, as it was an Easter pre-fix menu.  We had cod fritters and empanadas for appetizers.  Entrees were: Fried chicken with macaroni and cheese.  I had coconut rice with ribs, and M had salmon with macaroni and cheese.  For desserts we took home chocolate cake and fruit tarts.  To drink we each had a different cocktail and they were all awesome. They were: rum punch, peach martini and a prosecco raspberry.  The owner visits every table, every time, and that always feels like the nicest thing to do.

Breakfasts, and one meal I cooked at home.  He later commented to my sister that he keeps finding amazing things about me, such as the fact that I can cook.  All I did was makes eggs in the morning, and for dinner, heat up left overs and make some salmon, which I overcooked.  For some reason he is so easily impressed by me. (yes, I giggled writing that)

I will be taking 2 trips to Brazil.  The first one, in about one week, will be very short, just to get my mom and bring her to NY for her 88th birthday.  I will be returning to Brazil in May to take my mom back. I will stay there about 3 weeks.  At that time, M will come to stay some time and meet the rest of the family.  We haven’t discussed the itinerary yet, but we are both excited about it.

He has been learning Portuguese since meeting me.  I so appreciate his efforts in being ready to communicate with my family. He even offered to stay with my parents in Brazil if I needed a break.  He is one of a kind! And he is now mine! 😉

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect—you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break—her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.” ― Bob Marley

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Weekend Date – Part I

27 Monday Feb 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.” ― John Joseph Powell, The Secret of Staying in Love

Hi friends,

Here is the first part of my weekend date update.  I had a good reason to be excited.  He was just one of the sweetest, most thoughtful man that I ever met.

M. is 60 years old.  He is a retired helicopter pilot.  He retired at 55 years old.  He lives simply and planned his life so that he was able to retire early. He has spent the last 5 years skiing, surfing and traveling.

He arrived at 2pm on Thursday and went to his hotel. I was at work, so we met at 6:30pm at the hotel restaurant, Noma.  He met me outside.  I could tell right away that he was very shy.

Later he confessed that he checked on YouTube how do Brazilians greet each other.  I thought it was cute that he was trying to know exactly what to do. He also signed up with Rosetta Stone and is learning Portuguese. Extra points. Also, the moment I met him, he asked me to take a picture of his Drivers License and send it to my sister so she would know who I was with it.

The restaurant was great, busy and lively.  At some point there was a lady teaching salsa, and clearly there were a lot couples that went there just for that.  For dinner we had several tapas dishes.  I had a passion-fruit mojito, he had a beer.  We shared the bread pudding for dessert.

Throughout dinner and after, while sitting at a couch on the lobby, we talked like old friends.  We stayed in the lobby for about 30 minutes.  He reminded me that it was a school night and wanted to drive me home.  I wanted to walk.  He was not happy that I wanted to walk alone at night, but I assured him that it was safe.  It was still not that late.

Next day, Friday, I had originally intended on taking the day off, but there was some work I wanted to finish.  I decided to work half day from home, and meet him after.  Eventually I called him and proposed that he comes to my apartment and we have a late breakfast/lunch here. That way I would be logged into work for awhile longer.

He came over, we made a quick trip to the bakery, then returned, had some food.  I did some office work while we continued to talk. Then we decided to go out and do something.  It was so cold and windy, not the greatest day to be out, but we wanted to get out of the house. 

He kept asking if there was anything I always wanted to do, or any place I always wanted to see.  I came out blank, but so appreciate him trying to please me. He had a list of places, but by this time it was already 3:30, so I figured it was too late for any long drive.

I suggested we take a drive to Untermeyer Park and Gardens. We got there at 4pm.  It was definitely not the right day and time for a visit, but it is a gorgeous place no matter what.  It was empty, and the gate was closed, but not locked.  We walked around for about 45 minutes.  Then I remembered that I thought I had seen online that the park closes at 4:30pm.  We joked that we may get locked in.

We hurried to leave, but of course, we get to the gate and it is locked.  A bit of panic sets in, as it would be getting dark soon.  He started looking around for a way to either jump the wall, or some other area that we get through.  I called 911. 

As I am speaking to the dispatcher, M. comes over and noticed a notice on the wall, that had 2 numbers to call if ever locked in.  I told the dispatcher and she said: “Call the number, and if there is no answer call me back.”

As I called one number, he called the other.  I reached a mailbox that was full.  The number that he dialed connected him to 911.  At that same moment I saw through the gate that a security guard was coming towards us.

M. said: “I am going to give him $20”. I said, yes please, but only if he is not angry or mean.  He was not.  He had a smile on his face, and asked if we had not heard him on the loudspeaker.  We had not.  He didn’t want to take the tip, but we insisted.  

We returned to my town and stopped at the train station to get my sister.  We went home and got changed for dinner.  He took my sister and I to my sister’s favorite restaurant, Sergio’s.  We let her choose the place.

On the way there I realize I was missing my phone.  We dropped my sister at the restaurant and returned to my apartment to look for my phone.

Luckily, my phone was sitting on the table where I had left. We returned to the restaurant and found my sister seated at a table enjoying a cosmopolitan and bread and butter.  We had such a wonderful dinner full of fun conversation and laughter.

We had calamari and eggplant rollatini as appetizers. M. had the branzino with broccoli rabe. My sister had shrimp scampi with risotto.  I had eggplant with angel hair.  For dessert, my sister took a cheesecake home. 

Everything about Thursday and Friday was easy and fun.  Nothing awkward or difficult.  There were sparks, but also there was no pressure or pushiness for anything.  He is shy and very respectful.  He has made it clear that it is all 100% up to me; that he is not in any hurry.  I am enjoying concentrating on building this friendship and exploring the potential here.

He liked me.. a lot! He couldn’t stop making it clear to me that he was interested in a long term relationship.  The fact that he is retired and has nobody depending on him is a major plus for me.  Unlike the guy from Boston, he is able to come and go at a moment’s notice.  Speaking of the guy from Boston, he wants to schedule the second date for March.  I don’t think I  will be going on a second date with him.   He is so great, but with 2 young kids, everything will be more difficult for the next 8 to 10 years.

Weekend date part II next…

“To him she seemed so beautiful, so seductive, so different from ordinary people, that he could not understand why no one was as disturbed as he by the clicking of her heels on the paving stones, why no one else’s heart was wild with the breeze stirred by the sighs of her veils, why everyone did not go mad with the movements of her braid, the flight of her hands, the gold of her laughter. He had not missed a single one of her gestures, not one of the indications of her character, but he did not dare approach her for fear of destroying the spell.” ― Gabriel García Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera

Sparks may not be enough to cross state lines

21 Tuesday Feb 2023

Posted by in Daily Life

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“Love liberates. It doesn’t bind. Love says, I love you. I love you if you’re in China. I love you if you’re across town. I love you if you’re in Harlem. I love you. I would like to be near you. I’d like to have your arms around me. I’d like to hear your voice in my ear. But that’s not possible now, so I love you. Go.” ― Maya Angelou

Since I have run out of available bachelors in New York State, I have branched out to other states. Just kidding… Maybe not.

BW is 59 years old, works in data marketing and lives in Boston. He looks and acts much younger than his years.  That is a plus.

We had exchanged messages for a couple of weeks, then met this past weekend.  He had to bring his son to New York City, so it was convenient for him to stop by and meet me.

He booked a room at the Marriott Residence Inn for Friday night.  He mentioned he could extend his stay if I wished.  We had dinner at Modern Restaurant, my go-to lately.

He brought me these gorgeous flowers all the way from Boston. Extra points for that.

We got along super great.  There were sparks and tons of laughs. However, I have other things to consider besides chemistry.  

He has been divorced for 2 years and has 2 pre-teen kids.  The kids stay in the family home and the parents take turns.

He is stuck in Boston, and will have a lot responsibility for the next 8 to 10 years.  Do I want to move to Boston? Do I want to be in a long distance relationship for that long?

My other concern besides the distance is that he seems to be dating anything in a skirt.  I question how serious he would be about about dating only one person, near or far.

After the dinner on Friday night, we went by my apartment.  I wanted to show him where it was so he could meet me the next day.  I invited him in to show my mosaics.  And by mosaics, I mean mosaics!

“Distance had an extraordinary power.” ― Virginia Woolf, To the Lighthouse

I gave him a tour.  He left after a few minutes.  The next morning, we met outside my building around 10am.  We were going to walked around town for a little bit, but it was way too cold and windy.  So we just walked to the bakery and the bagel shop, then returned to my apartment.  

We stopped by my sister’s apartment and invited her over for breakfast at my apartment.  It was fun, we all we were joking and talking as if we had known each other for years.

After my sister left, we just spend the time talking and laughing.  Apparently I am a funny person.  Because of the late breakfast we had a late lunch of tuna sandwiches around 2pm.  He thought the sandwich was delicious. 

He left to go back to Boston around 4pm.  I didn’t ask him to stay another night.  He was great company, we had sparks and all, but I thought another night it would be too much for a first date.

He is supposed to return in a couple of weeks.  I want to reflect on this a bit more, before I actually have him return.  

In the meantime, this just happened… just because I mentioned a first date from Friday to Sunday would be too long, what about a first date from Thursday afternoon to Sunday morning?

Yes, that is what is in store for next weekend.  Yes, he is not from NY.  Stay tuned.

“But then why, when talking on the phone, did they quarrel, on average at least once every four sentences? Maybe, though the inspector, it was an effect of the distance between them becoming less and less tolerable with each passing day, since as we grow old – for every now and then one must, yes, look reality in the eye and call things by their proper names – we feel more keenly the need to have the person we love beside us.” ― Andrea Camilleri

When it is ok to be evasive

26 Thursday Jan 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“May what I do flow from me like a river, no forcing and no holding back, the way it is with children.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

My dating life ebbs and flows.  I go through cycles.  Sometimes I am very interested in dating, in finding a partner.  I go on Match often, I read a lot profiles, I send likes.

Other times, as in now,  I feel I have no time for it. Or, perhaps I should say ,I just don’t have much interest.  I guess it is a combination of those factors.

Work has been occupying a lot of my mental capacity.  The audit that started in August is still not finished, but it should be a matter of days now… fingers crossed.

Still, even with my lack of interest and time, I managed to exchange messages with someone and go on a date last Thursday night.

We met for dinner at Modern Restaurant in New Rochelle.  He is 50 years old and works as part of spiritual care team at a large hospital.  He is very accomplished and intelligent.  He was personable and we had good conversations, mostly about his background and about Rumi.  He is very well versed in on all things Rumi. I love Rumi.

I had a good time, but there was zero chemistry for me.

He paid me a lot compliments.  He said that I am much better in person than in my pictures.   That made me questions my pictures on Match.

“Nothing in this world is harder than speaking the truth, nothing easier than flattery.” ― Fyodor Dostoevsky

He seemed really interested in me, and let me know it at every second.  While I appreciate the honesty and forwardness, it sometimes can smell of desperation and insincerity. Get to know someone more than a couple of hours before you start exalting them.

I don’t think he really knew how over the top he was really being. I did give him some pointers on future dates.  I pointed out that there is such thing as “too much too soon”.   He said I was his first date since he joined Match.  So perhaps that is the problem right there.  Too eager!

At the end of the date, he mentioned again that he was very enamored by me and wanted to see me again.  He said: “I desire you”.  That just made me cringe.

Then he asked if I was interested in him. Talk about putting someone on the spot!!

“I do know that the slickest way to lie is to tell the right amount of truth–then shut up.” ― Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land

I didn’t know how to answer.  Don’t get me wrong, I knew the answer.  It was NO.  I was not interested in seeing him again as a potential romantic partner.  I had zero interest in that.

I love the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and will always choose honesty above all else. But on first dates, safety comes first.  I don’t know if the person sitting across from me will turn into a raving lunatic upon rejection. I rather not chance it.

Even though my body and facial expression was screaming NO, out of my mouth came the words: “I am not sure.”

He looked deflated but said he understood.  We walked out of the restaurant, quickly hugged goodbye, and went our separate ways.

“It is not easy to keep silent when silence is a lie.” ― Victor Hugo

The next day I opened Match, and was about to write him and tell him how I really felt.  While I was deciding what to write, he blocked me.

Thank you!   I love when things get resolved on their own.

Everything in life, and in this case, dates, are either a win or a lesson.  This time, again, it was a lesson.  I learned that I need to read profiles more carefully, ask more questions and pay attention to the answers.

While he seemed to be a nice person and I had a nice time, had I spent more time reading his profile and asking the right questions before the date, I would know he was not for me.

On the date, he said he was not interested in a committed relationship.  It turns out he is still married, and there will be no divorce.  It is a long story that he shared with me on the date, and I am choosing not to repeat here to protect the innocent.

I understand his situation.  It has to do with his past, insurance, finances and a personal sense of obligation.  Still, even if there was chemistry, I think it would be too much drama for me to get involved with.

While, at the moment, I am a bit tired and very slow with my dating efforts, I am still out there and still interested.  I enjoy online dating. I enjoy first dates, I enjoy meeting new people; and for me it is still the best place for me to meet people.  And I believe he is out there!  It is okay if you call me delusional lol

Remember: Safety first when online dating!

“It’s discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.” ― Noël Coward, Blithe Spirit

April and May 2022 – Dream and Doom

19 Thursday Jan 2023

Posted by in Daily Message, EX Files, Finding Me

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“There’a a phrase, “the elephant in the living room”, which purports to describe what it’s like to live with a drug addict, an alcoholic, an abuser. People outside such relationships will sometimes ask, “How could you let such a business go on for so many years? Didn’t you see the elephant in the living room?” And it’s so hard for anyone living in a more normal situation to understand the answer that comes closest to the truth; “I’m sorry, but it was there when I moved in. I didn’t know it was an elephant; I thought it was part of the furniture.” There comes an aha-moment for some folks – the lucky ones – when they suddenly recognize the difference.” ― Stephen King

Continuing my recap of last year, here is April and May. I will focus on my relationship with B., which was the main theme of those months. (to read in detail, go to Archives)

Towards the end of March and beginning of April, B. and I met several times. He was kind and had flowers for me every time we saw each other. But there were times where we weren’t really in tune. He kept pushing to see me more often.  He was showing a possessive and insecure side.

In April I went to Brazil to see my family and bring my mom to the US for her biannual visit.

While in Brazil, I spoke to B. every night.  I wanted to pacify him. We grew closer and couldn’t wait to see each other.  This relationship was looking more and more like the love story I have been looking for.  He was again acting insecure and possessive on the phone, but I was blinded by the potential.

He would frame some outbursts as done out of loving me so much and didn’t want to get hurt if I was not as serious about the relationship as he was.

When I returned to the US, on April 19, things didn’t go as I had hoped.  I had mentioned to B. that my time was going to be limited because of my mom’s visit.  He said he understood it, but he kept complaining about not seeing me enough.

When we were together, he would say the right things, give me flowers and apologize for being demanding of my time.  When we were apart, he would fire off texts showing a possessive and insecure side that was not attractive at all.

There was one date, for our 2-month anniversary, that I acted like a baby.  I think it was already my gut, my instincts rebelling against this relationship.

Twice I had said to him that some of the texts he sent while angry were not acceptable. I told him that this push-pull behavior made me feel like I was being emotionally abused. He was shocked to hear that, apologized and promised to be more thoughtful before sending another one of those texts.

 “I am stuffing your mouth with your
promises and watching
you vomit them out upon my face.”
― Anne Sexton

Then, the day before I was to leave to Brazil to take my mom back, he got upset.  We had already said good bye with a dinner, but he wanted to see me one more time.  I changed my schedule a couple of times to see him again, but when there was another change, I said I couldn’t make it.  He then sent me a text calling me an a-hole.  Shock is not even the word to describe my feelings when I read that. He sent a couple of apologies in messenger and WhatsApp.  I didn’t reply and blocked him on both.

I will not be called names, specially by someone that supposedly loves me.  It is unacceptable to me.   I feel I dodged a bullet.  His demanding behavior and possessiveness kept getting worse.  His insecurity and fear of getting hurt always got the best of him. But that is no excuse.  A grown man should know how to behave, or seek help.

Had he not called me an a-hole, I would probably still be in that relationship.  Still trying to make it work, because it seemed so right sometimes.  I fell for the flowers and the potential.

I am glad I was leaving for Brazil the following day.  Being far away made it easier to not be tempted to give him yet another chance.  I was too busy with my family to think about him.  Well, I did think about him, but it made it easier to distract my mind.

Now, almost a year later, I am happy that I got out of that relationship relatively fast.  Had I stayed in it longer I can only imagine how it would destroy my mind and well-being.  Looking back there were so many issues, signs, offensive words disguised as “loving too much”.  There were so many things I ignored because it seemed so promising.

I remember when I wrote about it last year. I was embarrassed, and still in doubt about using the word “abuse”.  But it felt in my gut, it was in all the little words that hit me like a knife, and also in the beautiful flowers that made me smile.  At the end of conversations I was spent and questioning my sanity.  Yes, it was abuse and I am glad to be far from it, and to now be better able to recognize it.  Abuse comes in all forms.

My sister had already recognized it.  I would tell her about the dates. There were a couple of times that I remember her saying: “I am afraid of you going to his house.  He is unstable.” I thought she was overreacting.  I pacified her, and said that he would never physically hurt me.

Lesson learned:  Don’t ignore the red flags and your gut.  If someone is acting in a way that you think it is harmful to our mental health, don’t hang around.  Situations and actions escalate.  If you wonder if you are being mentally abused, you are! Run!

“The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as obvious. In fact, even among women who have experienced violence from a partner, half or more report that the man’s emotional abuse is what is causing them the greatest harm.” ― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

 

This was March 2022

16 Monday Jan 2023

Posted by in Daily Life

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My birthday month. It was a month of many dates.  Many lessons.

There was the Greek guy I went on a few dates with. When I realized that there was definitely no chemistry, I offered friendship. He accepted, or so I thought. After going out as friends with my sister and I, he began the repetitive calling and texting again.  The next time he asked me out I mentioned friendship again. He became defensive, and wanted to convince me that there was chemistry.  I let him vent, but in the end, he realized I was serious.  He stopped calling.

Lesson: People hear what they want to hear.  They create their own stories. Be firm and make sure there are no misunderstandings. 

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” ― George Bernard Shaw

There was the date with the accountant.  Great first date, but he immediately started acting as if we were already a couple.   Already planning the future.  He was talking about expensive vacations, etc.  Too much too soon.  It would have been exciting if we had been going out for a few months; after just one date it is just overwhelming. I mentioned that to him, and just let things fizzle.

Lesson: Nice guy, trying too hard. Oftentimes people are in love with the idea of love, of a partner, and will attach themselves to the first person they meet.

“Any man’s measure is determined by what he will do when he is faced with his own deep need. Not how high he may reach but how low he may kneel.” – J. Otis Yoder, When You Pray

Date with B., the guy I had first had a few dates 5 years before.  We went on a couple of dates and it was seeming more and more like fate.

There were great dates and not so great dates.  I struggled with trying to be in the moment.  I was scared of the potential.  It seemed so meant to be, and at times, it seemed to be such a struggle.

There will be more to come about him…

“But all fairytales have rules, and perhaps it’s their rules that actually distinguish one fairytale from the other. These rules never need to be understood. They only need to be followed. If not, what they promise won’t come true.” ― Jostein Gaarder

In March I got the Covid booster shot to be able to travel to Brazil.  I was extremely conflicted about getting it, but had no choice.  Brazil was not letting anyone in without a vaccine and booster.  The choice was not to go to Brazil and see my family.  And that was no choice.

I remain conflicted about the vaccine. At this point I will not take any additional boosters. I will continue to do all I can to boost my immune system.

“What you think may change what you do, but what is also true is, what you do will change what you think.” ― J.R. Rim

This was February 2022 (peace is still a dream)

10 Tuesday Jan 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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Continuing my recap of 2022, this was February.  I am hoping to get the rest of 2022 done in the next couple of weeks.

“Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another.” ― Toni Morrison, Beloved

In February I gave notice to my tenant to move out.  It felt like freedom… momentarily. From the moment I gave notice to the moment he actually left it took several painful months.

I almost got scammed by the car dealership when I went in for an oil change. That experience taught me not to go to car dealerships for regular oil changes.

“Potential has a shelf life.” ― Margaret Atwood, Cat’s Eye

I went on a coffee date, looking more for a potential skiing partner than a romantic one.  One week later the date and I went skiing at Hunter Mountain.  We had a great time.  I thought we would remain in touch, but we didn’t.  We exchanged a few messages but then I just let it go.

“Don’t take anything Personally Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering” ― Don Miguel Ruiz

A lady at the mosaic studio was offended when I mentioned I was naming one of my mosaic pieces after her friend.  She felt her friend would be upset.  I learned how some people can be so sensitive, even if it is for something that has nothing to do with them.  I was upset for a moment and then realized it was not really about me. It was about this person’s own issues. She had been going through some grief.  I just let it go.

“Conduct yourself in a manner that is worthy of respect and don’t worry about what others think.” ― Bohdi Sanders, Men of the Code: Living as a Superior Man

The war in Ukraine started. The world feels even more fragile, uncertain and scary. Now, almost a year later it seems the world just got used to it.  How crazy is it that we can get used to everything in life, even a war?  The sad reality is, unless it personally affect us, life goes on.

As I write this, I am reading about the ugly protests in Brazil yesterday.  Actually that was not a protest.  Protests are peaceful.  That was an ugly, violent attack on our congressional buildings, on our symbols of justice and democracy.  It was like watching the January 6 Capitol scenes all over again.  I was very saddened but not surprised. Bolsonaro followed Trumps’s playbook to a T, and so did his followers.  I was surprised that the authorities were not prepared for it.

I pray for Ukraine.  I pray for Brazil.  I pray for the world.  I pray for peace and unity! May each person have more love in their heart for their fellow human being.

“The sadness of the world has different ways of getting to people, but it seems to succeed almost every time.” ― Louis-Ferdinand Céline, Journey to the End of the Night

A book, drinks, food, laughs = fun date

06 Friday Jan 2023

Posted by in Daily Life

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“Come to the book as you would come to an unexplored land. Come without a map. Explore it and draw your own map.” ― Stephen King, Hearts in Atlantis

On Wednesday night I met T. at the Beach House Cafe in Old Greenwich, CT.  He is a 59 year-old engineer, that also teaches yoga.

He looked better in person than he did in his pictures.  He had some facial hair, and it made him look younger.  I didn’t realize how short he was until we met.  I am not sure how I feel about that.  I don’t have a type, and normally don’t care about physical attributes, hair, etc.  But I am always hoping my date is taller than me. I am 5’4, and he is the same.  I would hate to be disqualified over my height, so I don’t want to be that person.

From the second we met we didn’t stop talking.  He was laughing a lot, because, apparently, I am very funny and quick witted. Or so he thinks.

There was just one moment of pause in the conversation.  He thought I paused because I didn’t understand the meaning of the word “ambivalent”.  I explained that my pause was about the way he used it in a sentence.  It didn’t fit. I wish I could remember the details so I could relay it here.

He apologized and said because English is my second language he had assumed that I wasn’t familiar with the word.  I didn’t take offense to that, but perhaps I should have.  For the record, the word is almost the same as in Portuguese, “ambivalente”, and I do know the meaning.

That was just a minor blip. We moved on. We have had similar experiences and have a similar outlook on life.  We are both very positive, and with a thirst for life.  One funny coincidence is that we both refuse to visit Paris until we have found The One.

Before coming to meet me he went to a bookstore to buy me the book pictured above.  In our messages I mentioned I like Kahlil Gibran. He paid attention.  I appreciated that!

We both like to open a book on any page and see if we get a special message.  Before I went to bed that night, I did just that.  It opened on the page below:

I sent it to him, then quickly regretted.  I don’t want him having any preconceived notions.

And I almost forgot to mention the most important part of evening 😉  Here is what we had to eat and drink:

To drink I had the “Pear Necessity”: Absolut pear vodka, elderflower liqueur, pear nectar & champagne.  It was delicious, but it could have used some kind of garnishment.  It was not as visually appealing as it could have been.  I think I am becoming a cocktail snob!  He had a couple of draft beers.

To eat, we shared: Yellowfin tuna flatbread, spicy fish tacos, Peking duck tacos and sweet potato fries.  He also had crab cakes (I don’t eat shellfish).  Everything was delicious.

I forgot to look at the desert menu.  Even if I am not going to order anything I always take a look to see if there is anything interesting.

He called last night.  Supposedly he was testing to see if he correctly connected his phone to his new truck.  Or it is just the excuse he gave.  I was out with my sister and a friend, so I just said a quick hello.

Last night was another night of fun eating at Little Drunken Chef in White Plains, NY. No drinking for me.  I already had cocktails twice this week. I offered to be the driver.  The food was fun (the pic below is not mine, but it is exactly how the empanadas arrive) and it was also delicious.  Besides the chicken empanadas we had beef tacos, fish tacos, chicken wings, mashed potato and shrimp.

To drink, my sister and my friend had the “Brazilian Wax”: Cachaça, fresh lime, fresh oranges, sugar cane and St. Germain. Delicious!!!! I had a sip, and also had it before, that is how I know how delicious it is. They also tried the “Between The Sheets”: vodka, fresh grapefruit juice, lemon juice and cava.  This one was too sour for them.

Now, getting back to the date.  Will there be a future? We shall see.  I would probably go on a second date, if asked. The main problem is not the height, but the distance.  We are over 1 hour away from each other.

“Distance sometimes lets you know who is worth keeping, and who is worth letting go.” ― Lana Del Rey

Somewhere between the second and third date

16 Wednesday Nov 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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Crabtree's Kittle House

Crabtree’s Kittle House

“This is trouble with you. You think you want, you don’t think you want–always back and forth. Me, when I want, it is with whole heart. I look at wanted thing with eyes straight on. But you! Neither here nor there. Your looking always crooked, from side of eye. It has no power to hold. So wanted thing, it slip away from you.” ― Ruth Ozeki, My Year of Meats

I sit here in the space between dates 2 and 3 with the 65 year old attorney.  But before I get to that place, let me tell you about the second date.

He called me and asked me out.  There is not much texting with him.  He is old fashioned that way.  I said yes to the date and to him picking me up.  He didn’t say where we were going.  He just said it would be a nice restaurant. I like surprises so I didn’t mind not knowing.

At 5: 30 on Sunday he picked me up.  He had a gift for me.  When I opened the small pack, it was a bar of soap (see the pic at the end).  He saw that I was confused and reminded me that I had joked about taking a shower for the date, or something like that.  I don’t recall exactly what I said, but I guess it was funny and memorable to him.  Bonus points for originality.  I have gotten flowers, books, chocolate, and even bread as date gifts, but never soap.

The drive there took us to the area where I lived with the Ex.  Being in that area brought back some memories.  I am happy to report, that I was totally indifferent to the memories.  The memories came, I acknowledged them, and even mentioned it to my date.  Then as fast as they came, they went.  It was just the past, something I lived and it was over.  I didn’t feel sad or nostalgic.

“Man himself is so buffeted by shifts of thought and mood, not knowing from one day to the next what he truly feels, that a shifting earth is well-nigh the last straw.” ― Beryl Bainbridge, Master Georgie

After 40 minutes we arrived at Crabtree’s Kittle House Restaurant and Inn in Chappaqua NY.  It is a gorgeous place, that was a bit hard to find in the dark as it is nestled in a residential area and a golf course.

To drink I had a sugar cane and blueberry cocktail.  He had diet coke. He didn’t overdo this time with appetizers and desserts.  For appetizer we had 2 dishes. One with mushrooms, grilled plums, red cabbage and butternut puree.  The other was a Tofu taco bowl, it had black rice, tofu, pickled onions and some other greens.  For the entrée I had the hanger steak with fries and a side of arugula with feta cheese.  He had a vegetarian Sheppard’s pie.  For dessert I had a chocolate and peanut butter crunch bar with coconut gelato.  Everything was delicious.

The drive back was equally fun, with no lull in the conversation.  We talked about family, vacations, etc. There is always a lot laughs. When he dropped me off at my building, I just reached over and hugged him goodbye with a kiss on the cheek.

I didn’t feel any romantic sparks, but he is so much fun to be with.  A combination of smart conversation and plenty of humor.  I spent Monday thinking about what to do if he asks me out again.

“I don’t do anything with my life except romanticise and decay with indecision” ― Allen Ginsberg

In the evening the phone rang.  It was him.  He asked if I would like to meet him on Friday in NYC for dinner and a Broadway show.  I immediately said yes.  How can I say no to a Broadway show with great company?

I like to think that he is enjoying spending time with me even if there is not romance in the future.  Could there be something else eventually?  Should I continue to go on dates with someone even if there are no sparks?

I normally say that chemistry is either there or not there.  There is no creating it out of nothing.  But a conversation I had earlier that day is making me rethink it.  Perhaps there is some merit to going on more dates even if there are no sparks at the beginning.

“By dawn he had surrendered, gratefully, to the old inertia, the product of always seeing both sides of every question.” ― Robert Harris, Enigma

Earlier in the day I had exchanged messages with a potential date.  He complained that women seem to make up their minds too fast without giving the relationship a chance to develop.  He argued that there should be more than a few dates to see if there is chemistry or not. There should be more time invested in getting to know each other before moving on.

I explained my opinion about it.  To me, if I know there will be nothing else other than friendship, it feels somewhat dishonest to continue going on dates.  I feel I am wasting the other person’s time and energy.  If I know that I only want friendship shouldn’t I just say that and move on? But what if I am wrong?  What if feelings can develop?

The potential date stood firm on his opinion that one should get to know each other over several dates before making a decision. I guess he feels women haven’t given him enough of a chance in the past. He is supposed to reach out to schedule a date for some time this week.

For now I figure that 3 dates and an honest conversation will be enough to see if there should be more dates or not.

“If you don’t know which way to go in the middle of a bridge, you better enjoy the bridge! Sometimes the solution comes only when you give up the future and enjoy the present!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan

 

 

 

 

 

Still Sweet, but not yet the One

27 Thursday Oct 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

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“There sits the skiff – over there perhaps is the entryway to the great nothing. But who wants to board this “perhaps”?” ― Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Mr. Sweet continues to be sweet and kind.  But he is not the One… at least not right now.  Right now he is a friend that I go to dinner with every now and then.

He had already told me he didn’t want to date seriously and wanted “to see what is out there”.  Well, I have seen what is out there and it is pretty grim.  Kidding, but not really.

Even though he said he would continue dating, I was under the impression that he was not.  I took his excitement about me as a sign that he would not be interested in looking for anyone else.  I assumed that the reason his Match profile had disappeared was because he was focused only on me.  I assumed that with all the attention/daily texting/calling, that I was the only one.  All my assumptions were not based on reality, but based on what my heart wanted and the stories that sometimes I tell myself.

“It’s dreadful what little things lead people to misunderstand each other.”― L.M. Montgomery, Emily’s Quest

I normally follow: “pay attention to a man’s action and not his words”, and this time that is what tripped me up.  I should have taken his word at face value.   He said he was going to date other people, why would I read in his behavior anything else?

I don’t like to have regrets, but I do regret passing on some people on Match that seemed great just because I thought this was going the distance.  And now they are gone.  Oh well, if they were for really me they wouldn’t be gone, would they?  So I digress, no regrets!

“As soon as we start putting our thoughts into words and sentences everything gets distorted, language is just no damn good—I use it because I have to, but I don’t put any trust in it. We never understand each other.” ― Marcel Duchamp

My heart got excited and forgot to do a reality check about the situation. For starters, his divorce is only just starting, and it looks like it is going to be a long war.  There is a prenuptial agreement involved, but mediation fell through, and she is now ignoring his attorney’s letters.

Then there is the fact that I agree he should stay single, go on dates, have fun. I do not believe someone coming out of a long-term relationship (in this case a 27-year marriage) should immediately embark on another.  

While I am not sure what I want, I did think we had a good thing going and didn’t want him dating around.  I wanted to see where we could go. The future seemed so bright for us, or so I dreamed!

“Life is too long to say anything definitely; always say perhaps.”― Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace

I don’t want to date someone seriously while the person is dating around.  So, for now we are not seriously dating, or dating seriously.  We are dating, meaning we go out to dinner, bars, ect. A kiss every now and then, but that is it.  And I am even rethinking the kissing.  Not because I am a prude, but because I want to protect my heart from getting too tangled up in something not serious.

While dating multiple people may be appealing to some, I now prefer to date intentionally, one person at a time.  I may go on many dates, but if I have more than 2 dates with someone then that is where I will focus my attention and energy.

I must understand that his wanting to see what is out there is not about me. It is about him.  That is the distinction I need to make.  I was taking it all personally.  This is not a rejection, but an opportunity.  Feeling rejected make us victims and take our power away.  This is an opportunity to explore my feelings, wants and needs.

“When things do not go your way, remember that every challenge — every adversity — contains within it the seeds of opportunity and growth.” ― Roy T. Bennett

I can’t complain about him.  This is not about him; this is about my feelings and my interpretation of this new relationship.  We agreed on honesty on day 1 and he has lived it up to that.  He continues to be honest, kind and thoughtful.  In this just over 1-month relationship we have met several times alone and 3 times with my sister and my friend.   He continues to bring my sister bagels every time we meet.

The last time we saw each other was Saturday when we went to dinner and walked around NY City with my sister and friend.  He brought his professional camera and took many pictures of us in Times Square.  Always smiling and happy to help, that is something that we share.

“Love can only be found through the act of loving.” ― Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

He wanted to try to meet this week:

I am busy with my friend. It is her last week here, so I want this week to be about her.  Also, if I am being completely transparent (and I aim to be) I hate the feeling that he is fitting me among a bunch of dates.

I am excited about his friendship though.  I know that no matter what happens we will remain friends, and I love that part.

He continues to be Mr. Sweet, but there could be Mr. Sweeter for me around the corner.  Or even the Sweetest of them of all.  Or perhaps what I really need is Mr. Semi-Sweet.   I guess I got hurry up and go see what is out there.  Yet Again.

“People say they find love, as if it were an object hidden under a rock. But love takes many forms, and it is never the same for any man and woman. What people find then is a certain love.” ― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven