first dates, okay not lie, online dating, relationships, safety first, smell of desperation, too eager, too many compliments
“May what I do flow from me like a river, no forcing and no holding back, the way it is with children.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke
My dating life ebbs and flows. I go through cycles. Sometimes I am very interested in dating, in finding a partner. I go on Match often, I read a lot profiles, I send likes.
Other times, as in now, I feel I have no time for it. Or, perhaps I should say ,I just don’t have much interest. I guess it is a combination of those factors.
Work has been occupying a lot of my mental capacity. The audit that started in August is still not finished, but it should be a matter of days now… fingers crossed.
Still, even with my lack of interest and time, I managed to exchange messages with someone and go on a date last Thursday night.
We met for dinner at Modern Restaurant in New Rochelle. He is 50 years old and works as part of spiritual care team at a large hospital. He is very accomplished and intelligent. He was personable and we had good conversations, mostly about his background and about Rumi. He is very well versed in on all things Rumi. I love Rumi.
I had a good time, but there was zero chemistry for me.
He paid me a lot compliments. He said that I am much better in person than in my pictures. That made me questions my pictures on Match.
“Nothing in this world is harder than speaking the truth, nothing easier than flattery.” ― Fyodor Dostoevsky
He seemed really interested in me, and let me know it at every second. While I appreciate the honesty and forwardness, it sometimes can smell of desperation and insincerity. Get to know someone more than a couple of hours before you start exalting them.
I don’t think he really knew how over the top he was really being. I did give him some pointers on future dates. I pointed out that there is such thing as “too much too soon”. He said I was his first date since he joined Match. So perhaps that is the problem right there. Too eager!
At the end of the date, he mentioned again that he was very enamored by me and wanted to see me again. He said: “I desire you”. That just made me cringe.
Then he asked if I was interested in him. Talk about putting someone on the spot!!
“I do know that the slickest way to lie is to tell the right amount of truth–then shut up.” ― Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land
I didn’t know how to answer. Don’t get me wrong, I knew the answer. It was NO. I was not interested in seeing him again as a potential romantic partner. I had zero interest in that.
I love the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and will always choose honesty above all else. But on first dates, safety comes first. I don’t know if the person sitting across from me will turn into a raving lunatic upon rejection. I rather not chance it.
Even though my body and facial expression was screaming NO, out of my mouth came the words: “I am not sure.”
He looked deflated but said he understood. We walked out of the restaurant, quickly hugged goodbye, and went our separate ways.
“It is not easy to keep silent when silence is a lie.” ― Victor Hugo
The next day I opened Match, and was about to write him and tell him how I really felt. While I was deciding what to write, he blocked me.
Thank you! I love when things get resolved on their own.
Everything in life, and in this case, dates, are either a win or a lesson. This time, again, it was a lesson. I learned that I need to read profiles more carefully, ask more questions and pay attention to the answers.
While he seemed to be a nice person and I had a nice time, had I spent more time reading his profile and asking the right questions before the date, I would know he was not for me.
On the date, he said he was not interested in a committed relationship. It turns out he is still married, and there will be no divorce. It is a long story that he shared with me on the date, and I am choosing not to repeat here to protect the innocent.
I understand his situation. It has to do with his past, insurance, finances and a personal sense of obligation. Still, even if there was chemistry, I think it would be too much drama for me to get involved with.
While, at the moment, I am a bit tired and very slow with my dating efforts, I am still out there and still interested. I enjoy online dating. I enjoy first dates, I enjoy meeting new people; and for me it is still the best place for me to meet people. And I believe he is out there! It is okay if you call me delusional lol
Remember: Safety first when online dating!
“It’s discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.” ― Noël Coward, Blithe Spirit