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Breaking up a non-relationship : Ending before it starts

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“To conceal anything from those to whom I am attached, is not in my nature. I can never close my lips where I have opened my heart.” ― Charles Dickens

It is funny breaking up with someone when there was never a “we”.  There was a potential “we”, a future “we”, but never a “we” now.  Still I realize the need to break things off.  He had a “we” in his heart and mind.  I couldn’t let that go on.

I wanted to wait and tell D. in person of my decision to stop seeing him until his life was sorted out.

Even though we really don’t have anything and have gone only as far as a kiss on the lips and a hug, I always felt that he thought this was a full blown committed relationship.

I hate the idea that I am leading somebody on, even though I have told him many times that I am still on the dating site and would continue to date other people.

With each passing day I was agonizing over it, so to preserve my sanity and to feel I have done right by him I wrote him a text this morning.  See below.

It was a spur of the moment decision.  I probably could have done a better job of writing the text.  Now rereading it I cringe, I definitely could have been clearer and kinder.  But I am glad I sent it.

Now it is done, and it seems he understood.  I was getting the feeling that he was feeling under pressure to sell the house and get things resolved because of me.  I like to think that now he can sit back, relax and do things in his own pace and follow his heart.

But above all, I don’t want miscommunications, misunderstandings and never ever cause anybody any pain that could have been avoided.

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The elusive third date

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“Life is a long preparation for something that never happens.”  –― W.B. Yeats

Amazing what a difference a couple of days makes.  On Friday I was all excited about the third date with J. this weekend.

Now, Monday morning,  I am sitting here wondering what happened. Ok, I am not wondering too much.  I am used to online dating.  I have learned to expect anything, everything and nothing.  People are fickle.

But really, what happened? Is it an issue with communication? Expectations? No, I think it is just a case of “he is just not that into me”.

The truth is easy and simple:  if nothing is happening is because there is no interest.

We had 2 great fun dates.   We laughed, joked and ate great food.  He seemed interested.  We text many times throughout the day, every single day.  We still do.  He is texting me as I write this.

On Wednesday he asked me when we would see each other again. I responded: ”When you ask me out again”.  He replied: “Perhaps this weekend if you are not too busy”.  I said: “as of now I am completely free”.  To me that is a big open door, all he has to do is walk through it.  He didn’t.

Patience is a conquering virtue.” – Geoffrey Chaucer

We continued texting.  Friday night came and went, then Saturday, then Sunday.  He never mentioned going out.  I didn’t ask.

I cannot say I was disappointed, but I was surprised.  And of course, I am curious.

My sister said I should have called on Saturday morning and asked if we were going out.  I didn’t want to.  I just went about my life.  I don’t want to be forcing a guy to go out with me.

As we were texting throughout the day yesterday I wrote:  “I thought I was going to see you this weekend .  He answered: “me too”.  He proceeded to text me pictures of his dog.

At one point when I asked how was his Saturday night, he said he went to fix his mother’s toilette.

I know that I could have been the one to ask him out.  I would have and have done in the past with other guys, but it never turned out well.  I end up realizing that the guy didn’t really want to see me again to begin with and I felt like I was forcing the situation.

“That was the thing about the world: it wasn’t that things were harder than you thought they were going to be, it was that they were hard in ways that you didn’t expect.” ― Lev Grossman

I am looking for a man that is more “take charge”, specially in the beginning.  I am aggressive by nature.   I go after what I want.  But in regards to dating I like the man to take the wheel, otherwise I will, and then resent him for it.  I will become the boss of the relationship, in charge of everything.  I don’t want that.  Was he waiting for me to say anything? Who knows.  The truth is that if he was, then we are not a match.

I will be clear with a guy about my interest.  No one has to read my mind. But I want him to step up and make the plans, at least in the beginning. Wrong or right it is what I want and need.

Will there a third date?  Who knows? All he has to do is ask.  I want to tell him: “You better strike while the iron is hot” 😉  because is getting cold by the minute.

Things are exactly the way they should be.  I am learning to just let nature take its course and not force anything.

I continue learning, getting better and happier!

 “Let nature take its course. By letting each thing act in accordance with its own nature, everything that needs to be done gets done.” ~”― Lao Tzu

It is raining men!

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It is not really raining, it is more like a light sprinkle but it feels like a thunderstorm to me.

D.- I decided that if I don’t see him this coming week, I will just have to tell him in a text. The fact that I already have a decision in mind and I haven’t told him is just too much for me to carry. It feels dishonest.

I will tell him the truth without sugar-coating it.  I am too old and lack the patience to be hanging around for some time in the future when things magically fall into place.  I don’t believe in that.  Sometimes life is messy and complicated and we just have to deal with it.

I will leave the door open for a possibility of seeing each other again in the future if and when his life is sorted out and if I am still available.

Honesty is the best policy!

“A ‘no’ does not hide anything, but a ‘yes’ very easily becomes a deception.” – Soren Kierkegaard

B. – He if from Kansas. Yes you read right, he is from Kansas and still lives there. I went to Kansas last weekend to surprise a friend for her birthday.  That friend having a birthday is my Ex boyfriend’s mother, but that story is for another post.

One day a few months back while browsing a dating site I decided to check the guys in Kansas since I knew I was going to be there and I knew I was going to have some free time. B and I connected immediately and starting exchanging messages.

I met him last Friday, the day I arrived.  I met him, his 11 year old son and his dog.  Yes, I am not joking.  The kid was adorable.  We all got along well, we went for a walk with the dog, had ice cream, then took the KC Street car from Union Station to Power and Light District for dinner.  We managed to spend some time together after he dropped his son off.

Even though there was chemistry, the reality is that I am not moving to Kansas any time soon and he is not moving to NY.  Also the whole thing stunk of deja-vu.  The ex that broke my heart and was the cause of my starting this blog was also from Kansas.  The day I met Ex I also met his 11 year old son and we all went out to lunch.  Later I met his dog.  A bunch of other similarities also.

He wants me to return to Kansas and try to develop a relationship.  I think I will pass.  He has his life pretty much planned out and tied to Kansas.  Mine is not that planned, but I want to have a say in my future and not just fit in somebody’s life.  I did that in the past and don’t feel like doing it again.

Been there, done that!

“Plans are of little importance, but planning is essential.” -― Winston Churchill

J – He is brand new in my life. We managed to have 2 dates already pretty fast. It seems promising from what I can tell, but I will continue to choose caution and go slowly.  He is so respectful that I barely got a kiss on the lips on the second date.

He is sweet and kind, and I can see myself with him.  At the same time I can see myself already trying very hard to find reasons to disqualify him.  Perhaps that fear of commitment is a real thing.

We are going on a third date this weekend and I am excited about that. The next post will be all about him, so that is all I am going to say about him for now.

Finger crossed!

“It’s amazing how a little tomorrow can make up for a whole lot of yesterday.” – John Guare

The flowers made me do it (or not do it)

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I had a date with D. on Monday night.  My intentions were of telling him in person that he needs to get his life resolved first and then we can actually began the process of getting to know each other.

Up to now we have been meeting for a quick lunch or dinner and lately just a quick drink, once a month.  A quick kiss at the end of every date. He is a great guy and has been honest with me from the start.  He lacks the time right now to invest in a relationship, but keeps promising me that once the house sells and the divorce is finalized that he can be available 100%.

I lack the patience to hang around.  I also don’t want to give him the impression that I am all in since I don’t really know him well enough to know what I want.  I was excited in the beginning, months ago, by now my interest has waned while his seems to be more intense.

In the past I have told him I am continuing to date and he responded with: okay, that is fine.  But I don’t really think that he has been listening.  I think that he thinks this is more than what it is.  I wanted to let him know how I felt in person.

“Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.” ― Henry James

So on Monday I was fully resolved to let him down easy.  I walked out of my building and came face to face with him holding a bouquet of red roses (they were deep red even though they look pink in the picture above).

I am a woman and I don’t have icy water running through my veins, so my heart sank.  Who doesn’t love to get flowers? I am always happy to get them but in this case I wish I didn’t.  And with that my resolve was gone.  I just couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t tell him good bye.

It is as if he knew what was coming.  He said:  I want to bring you flowers every time, but I am always running late, or the florist is closed.

What do I do now?  We never really text. He will text a hello every now and then. I really wanted to do it in person but it maybe kinder to just send a text.  What do you think?

“Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.”  ― Roy T. Bennett

What not to say on a first day

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“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.” ― E.E. Cummings

Last Thursday I decided to accept a spur of the moment invitation for coffee.  This is a person that I had just started exchanging messages with and didn’t know anything about him.  I wasn’t that interested but thought I could spare 10 minutes and see if there was any chemistry.  After all, how bad could it be?

BAD! It was really bad.  I am normally able to get something out of any date I have, except this one.  It is common for me not to have any chemistry but to like the person enough to want a friendship, but not with this one.

As soon as I sat down, and by the way he sat on the chair and I had to sit on top of the air vent.  As he studied my face he asked: Do you only wear glasses? Do you plan on getting contact lenses?   I said: no.  I was a little taken aback by this question.  He pressed on: Why not?  You never considered it?

I said: No, not really.  On my list of things to do or to change about myself, contact lenses comes in at the very last, if at all.

He seemed disappointed and proceed to tell me how an ex-girlfriend once convinced him that everyone looks better without glasses.  No matter how beautiful someone is, glasses are never a good look. So he now wear contacts. Then, sounding disappointed he added:  but you already said you have no interest.

I changed the subject by asking him about his day and his work.  He mentioned he was almost retired.  That he was tired of dealing with employees and now only took care of a few select clients.  He has some kind of electrical work company.

“Conceited people never hear anything but praise.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Instead of perhaps asking about my day and my job, he then asked me what I thought of all the men online.  Before I had a change to answer his question, he said: I have been told that most men are short and bald, so because I am tall and have all my hair I am better than 99% of the men online.

I politely reminded him that hair and height was not what I valued about people, that I was interested in the whole person, and more about the inside than the outside.  I doubt he heard me. If he did, he ignored it.

I geared the conversation towards food.  I asked him if he cooked.  He said that now he did, but for the longest time all he did was eat in fancy restaurants.  He mentioned how an ex-girlfriend turned him into a foodie and a traveler. He also mentioned that she paid for everything. But added: but I am not going into that now.

He also mentioned an ex-girlfriend that disappeared after she spent a weekend at his apartment.  He suspects that she was after his money and needed a green card and after she saw that he lived in a studio she thought that there was nothing there for her to go after.  He asked me if I agreed with that assumption since the girl in question was also Brazilian. I said: “that calls for a lot of speculation and assumption and I am not about to do that without having her side of the story”  I got a disappointed face again.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” Theodore Roosevelt

After these painful minutes I got up to leave mentioning a train I had to catch.  He got up with me and hugged me good bye.  He then asked if I was intimidated by his height.  I looked at him in surprise and asked:  Why would I?  Why would anyone?  He looked disappointed again. One would think he is 7 feet tall, but even though he said he is 6’4, I don’t believe it.  My boss is 6’4 and this guy was definitely shorter.

Needless to say I had zero interest in getting to know him better.  He emailed that night to say that he was unsure about the chemistry – as if there was any chance I would be interested in him. I, humoring him, said: sleep on it.

The next morning I wrote him and I said that there was really zero chemistry and wished him luck.  He asked me to keep his number in case I ever had any event to attend and wanted him to accompany me.  I wanted to reply that he was just too old to be a gigolo, but chose silence instead.

And another bullet was dodged 🙂

“He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.”  – ― George Bernard Shaw

Comings and goings and staying put

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Pepsico Gardens

Hi friends, it has been a little awhile.

I went to Brazil in April, stayed 10 days and then brought Mom to the NY for her semiannual visit.  With Mom here there wasn’t a moment to spare.  We did the usual trips to the casino and to various stores, while juggling work stuff.

I went back to Brazil in May to take mom home. I stayed one week. While in Brazil I normally take time to organize something around my parent’s house, always wanting to make things easier and more practical for them.  I also receive the visit of many friends that stop by to say hello. It does get tiring.

The day following my return to NY 2 cousins arrived for a short vacation.  They stayed at my apartment 3 days.  It was non-stop.  Since they don’t like shopping we mostly went to parks and restaurants.  We visited the Pepsico Gardens (The Donald M. Kendall Sculpture Gardens) – absolutely beautiful; and Glen Island Park – my local park right by the water.  We also went bowling, ate at a Colombian restaurant among others, and went to City Island in search of relative (more on that later).

“Get busy living or get busy dying.” ― Stephen King

With all that going on, still there is work to deal with.  The audit is not over yet, but so far the questions they have been asking has to do with the brokers and not with financials or any of the other areas I deal with.  We also hired 2 new employees and with that I have a little more on my plate to get them on-board.

There will also be changes coming up at work that should be better for me but I am still not sure how it will all work out.  I will be talking more about that in the upcoming months.

On the flight to Brazil in May when I got to my seat there was an envelope.  It was a handwritten note from the lead flight attendant.  In it she was thanking me on behalf of Delta for my loyalty.  I know it is just a note but I really felt special and put a smile on my face. You go Delta!!

D. and I managed to see each other for dinner on May 10th. We will see each other one evening this week. He slashed the price of his house by hundreds of thousands to try to sell it quick, but so far no takers.  As I may have mentioned previously, his divorce is not happening until this house is sold.

In the meantime I haven’t gone on any dates with anyone else.  I just didn’t have the time. I have time to go on a date, but not for all the work and research involved with online dating. I plan on diving back into dating now.  I fear waiting for D. and nothing ever happening; or even worst, him becoming free and I realizing that I am not really into him.

“It is not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: What are we busy about?”  ― Henry David Thoreau

Eliminating the distractions

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“You will never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks.” ― Winston S. Churchill

Distractions comes in all shapes and sizes and varieties.  One of the major distractions for me are people.  They cloud my vision.  They provide instant, but temporary gratification.  They feed my attention seeking self.  They come in and out of my life whenever they please and they keep me from focusing on the important things and people.

They are not to blame.  I am to blame.  I leave the door open.  I welcome them.  It is like I am willing to re-read the same book over and over again, knowing that I am going to hate the ending.

And time and time again, they disappear, leaving behind the certainty that they should never have returned to begin with.  That I should never have welcomed them.

“Stop letting other people hijack your day.” ― Frank Sonnenberg

Right now there are 3 men that I can think of that I allow to mess with my feelings and life with these comings and goings.  This is mostly in texting and phone calls, but the disturbance is there no matter what.  And the feeling that I shouldn’t be talking to them is also there.

There is AL, the very young one that still populates my wildest imaginations.  I have written about him a few times. I am always in search of permission to go ahead and talk to him, even though he is married and we always end up in very racy flirty texts. He comes in and all of a sudden we are both reliving the past in texts that do nothing except frustrate me.

I haven’t seen AL since he got married (almost 2 years ago).  I think we both realized that meeting would lead to disaster.

“How tragic it is to find that an entire lifetime is wasted in pursuit of distractions while purpose is neglected.” ― Sunday Adelaja

Then there is JW.  Someone I also wrote about it here.  We never seemed to be single at the same time.  With him there is no sexual tension but there is always that “what if” permeating every conversation.  And then there was that one time when he called me out of the blue and said “I will always love you”.  It blew my mind.  Yeah, I fall those lines.

With JW there is no flirty texts or such things.  With him is more intelligent phone conversations, but still my mind and hearts races.

I haven’t seen JW since he started going out with the woman that is now his wife.  We talk about meeting for a drink to talk about business and writing, but it never happened.

Then there is FL.  He doesn’t resurface often, but when he does he makes me feel like the most wanted woman in the Universe.  I bask in his attention.  I never wanted him in the first place.  Then he returns after so long and my mind starts playing tricks on me.  He planned meetings that never happened.  He laid low for a couple of weeks and now has returned again.

“Frequently we do not leave the past behind. We clasp on to it. We dissect it, and let fears for the future, tempered by the past, unconsciously prevent us from taking up the task eternal.” ― Ray Simpson

In all these 3 cases, even though it involves different dynamic and history, I now realize that I am not a player, I am the toy.  Things are not as fun when you realize that.  I thought that all was fine because I was aware of what I was doing and I had no intention of having an affair with any of them. I saw them all as fun and entertainment, something to distract my mind from the stress of work.

Then I realized that I was doing myself more harm than good.  These innocent flirting are not so harmless after-all.  By entertaining ideas of things that would never happened (having an affair) I was detracting my focus and energy from all that is really important, from the people that come into my life for the right reasons.

Leaving the door always open to the past is a huge mistake.  The past is the past and should stay there.  Perhaps I should just revisit to remind myself of mistakes I should not repeat.

We rarely find answers in the distractions. But oh what possibilities live within the quiet of solitude.   In my fear to be alone, I distracted myself away from
the deep beauty of my own solitude.” ― Scott Stabile

I have asked myself if were they fully committed to being with me would I want them?  I think the answer is no.  I only seem to want them because they are unavailable.

With all of them I keep thinking that we could be friends, but we can’t really.  I have this fantasy idea of friends for life.  I need to grow up.  Just because somebody had a page in a chapter of my life it doesn’t mean that they have to have a role in the rest of the book.  I get to write it the way I want it with the characters I want.

I decided to get off this hamster wheel.  It hasn’t been easy.  I thought about writing to them and explaining myself but decided against it.  JW called last week.  I hadn’t hear from him in probably 3 or 4 months.  I didn’t answer the phone.  AL texted yesterday.  First text since March 8th.  I have not replied. FL sent messages yesterday and today.

Today I blocked them all.  Time to clean up.  It is tough as these men have been such a huge part of my life and history for so long.  A couple of times I went back and unblocked them.  But now I am standing firm and putting myself first.

I need to make sure that my actions are in line with my goals.

“We lead our lives so poorly because we arrive in the present always unprepared, incapable, and too distracted for everything.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

When the child becomes the parent

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“The value of a moment is immeasurable. The power of just ONE moment can propel you to success and happiness or chain you to failure and misery.” ― Steve Maraboli

I was in Brazil for 10 days and got back to New York on Friday.  I love going but I love returning even more.  I miss my routine, even the craziness of work.  There is comfort in routine.

On Monday I alerted the auditors that I was back but so far I have not heard anything from them.  I guess they are working on some other firm at the moment.  I just want to be finished and not have it hanging over my head.

My mom again returned with me to stay a couple of weeks.  Mom is 84 today.  She looks amazing.  She has taken great care of herself.  No wrinkles!  But unfortunately her health is not equally that great.

She has to take a lot medication for different ailments.  I am used to her being non-stop, a total dynamo.  It is sad to see that she is not the same energetic person she used to be.  That gives me a lot pause and gets me thinking about my own life and future.

I think she is a good mirror for me to base my actions on.  Seeing her deteriorate reminds me to not to waste time, energy, youth and a healthy body.  This life cycle is finite.

My mom now reminds me to live my life to the fullest, to have more fun, to do more, make more mistakes, celebrate life.

Now that mom’s health is not that great I feel like a parent to a child I never had.  I don’t mean that in a bad way.  I just worry and try to do all I can to make her life easier.  Unlike a child, an older parent gets more dependent as time goes by.

While mom is in town I am getting into work at 6 am and trying to leave at 1pm so she is not alone for long.   So far it has worked.

I am focusing on the blessing of still having my parents!  I am focusing on doing all that I can to make my parent’s life comfortable and still fun.  All the rest are mere details.

Bye, we are now off to the casino 🙂

“Everybody seems to be doing different things but actually they do the same thing: They try to survive in this world, each with their own style!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan

Crazy stressed and still so blessed!

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I know I have been sounding like a broken record, but this audit I am going through at work is driving me crazy.  I am so crazed that on Wednesday night I took the wrong train home.  I was not even the same train line.  I traveled 1 hour out of my way and then had to get an Uber and take another hour to get home.

The audit has no end in sight, but there will be a break.  I am leaving for Brazil on Tuesday.  I come back on the 26th.  They agreed to wait to continue when I return.

I am doing my usual trip home to see my family and bring my mom back for a vacation. So when I come back there will be the usual trips to the casinos and stores.

I told someone that I was going to get a break from work and he responded:  Yes, but when you come back all will be right here waiting for you.  He said it in a negative  tone that I didn’t really appreciate.

I replied: Thanks Heaven for that!  Can you imagine if I am back and unemployed?

There is always a blessing in everything.  Work and stress gets to me, but still I realize that my blessings are numerous.  I really have no right to complain about anything.

“Focus on your strengths, not your weaknesses.
Focus on your character, not your reputation.
Focus on your blessings, not your misfortunes.” 
― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

 

 

Happy, tired, and in doubt

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“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” -― George Burns

My birthday was really low key but just absolutely perfect.  My friend had to work late so it was just my sister and I.  We went to a Argentinian/Italian restaurant around the corner from our apartment.  We had not been there before and all was delicious.

My co-worker gave us a chocolate cake and the friend that bailed on us sent 2 dozen chocolate covered strawberries and a dozen of chocolate covered Oreos. So sweet of them!

“Unfortunately, the clock is ticking, the hours are going by. The past increases, the future recedes. Possibilities decreasing, regrets mounting.” – Haruki Murakami,Dance Dance Dance

****

The clueless ex-boyfriend sent me another email yesterday that said:

” I sent you a note last week…..i hope it got through….my optonline acct is compromised…the gmail on here works”

Still ignoring it.

“Any fool knows men and women think differently at times, but the biggest difference is this. Men forget, but never forgive; women forgive, but never forget.” ― Robert Jordan

****

The amount of work I am doing for this audit is crazy. Many 7am to 8pm nights.  There are 5 auditors for our small company of 17 people.  Government bureaucracy at its best.  The amount of documents I have to produce is immense, but this too shall pass.  I stepped off of the ledge and I am doing one thing at a time.

I have been so exhausted this last couple of weeks  that I found no energy or motivation to  go to the gym or even do the elliptical in my apartment.   I am hoping that I can resume regular life this next week.

“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” -― Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness

***

D and I went to a movie and to dinner on Thursday night.  He surprised me with belated birthday gifts.  He gave me a Waterford candy dish along with a box of Godiva chocolate eggs.  He also baked a banana bread for me to give to my sister since he knows she love breads.

He is thoughtful and kind, but I continue to wonder if it will go anywhere.  His house is still not selling, so it seems there is no end in sight.  For now it is not a big deal as we have been barely able to see each other.  Next time I will see him will some time in May.  He has 4 trips schedule in the next few weeks.

He is all in, but I have doubts.

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. 
…live in the question.”  -― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet