Eating, drinking, dancing, kissing and telling

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Update: My tenant is finally out! I have been doing so much work at the apartment.  I am physically and mentally exhausted.  I am still not done but I already have a new tenant waiting to move in.:-)

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“I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it.” – Rita Maw Brown

My co-worker’s daughter spent the weekend before last with me.  Last time we saw each other we were both complaining that we wanted to get out more but didn’t have friends so we decided that we should to go out together. She is 25 years old, I am 50.

It was fun to forget about apartment renovations, meeting with attorney, talks with accountant, works issues, etc for awhile.

She came over on Friday evening and we started the weekend by going out to dinner, then dancing. On Saturday we spent the day in Manhattan (walking the Highline, Chelsea Market, then around the village), then dinner and more dancing. On Sunday we had foot and back massages, followed by manicures and a great early dinner. It was a tiring weekend but awesome!

There were a lot fun and funny moments. There was great food, drinks and desserts. But the moment that I am choosing to highlight here is a moment that perhaps I should be embarrassed about it – but I am not!

We went barhopping on Friday night, minus the drinking plus the dancing. We are more dancers than drinkers. I was at least 20 years older than everyone at all the places we went to. Surprisingly I didn’t feel out of place at all.

At one point we stepped onto the patio of one of the bars and I noticed a young bespectacled guy looking in my direction. I looked behind me, thinking he is looking at someone else.  But no, I was the object of his attention. I blushed and proceeded to exchange glances.

All of a sudden he approaches us (me, my friend and another guy that we were talking to) and introduces himself. I applaud his bravery. I find that guys are normally too shy to approach girls, only doing that if they are drunk. This guy was completely sober. He asked me if I wanted to dance. I was happily accepted.

At some point I asked his age. He is 26 years. He didn’t ask and I didn’t volunteer mine. We danced for a while and when the dancing slowed down a little we kissed. And we kept on kissing. I didn’t want it to end.  This guy new how to kiss!!

When the bar was closing, and I was leaving, I gave him my number.  Two days later he texted me and asked me out. I said no.  I was tempted, really tempted.  He seemed great, smart, mature, employed and I enjoyed his company, but to think that it could go further than that is a fantasy.  And kissing is my limit.  This experience fed my ego, and while I am not necessarily proud of it, I am not embarrassed yet.

On that note I made a realization about my dating habits. I have been dating with the intent of finding a partner to be with for the rest of my life.  I become very critical and focused.  I realized that I should date for fun and if the right person comes along then we will see what happens. I should be in the moment and enjoy life instead of planning a future that may never come.

It is a beautiful thing to be an adult and free and not accountable to anyone.  Finally at 50 years old I feel this way.  I feel free!!

Life is too short, too beautiful for me to worry about what others may think of my actions. The world needs more love, more kissing! And if I so desire and another young man comes along, I may do some more kissing!:-)

It is not all about me, and it is not all bad in the world

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sunflower

“Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them.  Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.”  Rabindranath Tagore

My ego interferes. It is loud, obnoxious and ever so present. My self-esteem takes a nose dive, and it is all about me. There are times of uncertainty, fragility, powerlessness.  Still I know they are passing phases. They are just steps to get me through the next level.  Through the darkness I dare to see a glimmer of light, a glimmer of hope.

Too many things to do, deadlines to meet, bills to pay, calls to return. I feel like a rubber band being pulled in so many directions. Always stretching never breaking (thanks heaven for that!) I alternate between the elation of being alive and the dread of another day.

When it seems to be all about me and my issues I try to look outward and onward. That helps me realize it is not all about me. There are a whole world out there, going on, with real issues.  I just need to get out of myself sometimes.  This view makes me realize how infinitely small my issues are.  How they pale in comparison to others.  So I accept them for what they are: minor setbacks.

The news around the world and here at home get more depressing each day. How do I dare to smile when all around is destruction? And still I do! That is when it is most important to smile, to rejoice and be grateful.  When all is hard, when all is dark, when it seems this is a never ending dark tunnel I dare to smile and rejoice in the certainty of the light that will eventually come.

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” – Haruki Murakami

This is the best time to smile more,  to hope more, to live more, to do more for others. Do different, be different! I cannot do a lot to a lot people so I am trying to do as much I can to as many people I can.   That means giving more, being more charitable, but most often it may just mean not yelling at someone that did me wrong. Sometimes it means being quick to forgive and forget. Sometimes it is just listening without judgement. Sometimes it is just being present.

I joke with kids, pet dogs, offer to help people on the street.  I make people smile, I play compliments, I say more thank yous.  It is amazing all I get in return.  I am still quick to react, but even quicker to say sorry.

It is not that I am being oblivious and dismissive of the tragedies and destruction around me.  I am not being indifferent.  I am just choosing to channel my disappointment and sadness into a positive, sharing, love spreading energy.  I am not dwelling on all the bad and negative. Problems are unavoidable, but I am not giving it the power to control my emotions and my life, and most important, how I relate to others.

The point of life is to rise above all, to overcome obstacles, to learn from them and to dare to smile in the face of adversity. Dare to get up, to continue, to rebuild, to become even better.  Dare to smile through tears.  Dare to think of others first, and never forget about yourself. Dare to make your world better for you and others! Be daring!

“I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.” – Tagore

I have been writing a lot lately about problems but my life has been so much more.  My next post in a few days will give you a glimpse of the fun I have been having, specially last weekend when I got to be 25 again.  Stay tuned!

This is the moment when my rose colored glasses are foggy!

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I have been writing, but I haven’t been posting. I normally write a post, step away from it for a little bit then I re-read and publish it. Lately by the time I reread it I feel the post no longer represents my feelings, or the opposite it is so honest it is painful, so I end up not publishing it all.

I don’t care about being a good writer but I care a great deal about being completely honest.  I also care about never forgetting how blessed I am, so it is very hard for this blessed self assured optimist to write about feeling unhappy.   What I have been writing about lately has me being portrayed as a victim.  oh poor me! There is nothing I hate more than playing the victim.

“You can either be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It all depends on how you view your life.” Paulo Coelho

At this rate I will never post anything again so, for better or worse, I decided to give you a summary of what all those unpublished posts were about.

  • Being unhappy at work.  Lately I am having a love-hate relationship with my work. I no longer feel comfortable there and want a change. By the time I re-read 3 pages about all that is going on at work I realized that it was the victim in me speaking. My job is the same and, although, some of the co-workers are different, their attitude are the same (demanding self entitled know it alls).  I am the one that changed.  I am probably just being more sensitive and a bit bored.

What I know is that being momentarily unhappy and uncomfortable can be a good thing. It can make me look around and see what else I could be doing. Looking around can show me that I have better than most people. I have a good job with a good salary and good perks. I am my own boss there. If I get another job I will probably have to deal with people telling me what to do.  Nothing worst for an Aries and Horse to be told what to do.

More than once last week I felt like quitting on the spot.  Mortgages and a credit line help me realize that I cannot afford to be impulsive.  Every job has good and bad, and mine is much better than most. Why throw that away?

Why just write and complain if I am not going to do anything about it? and immediately I start thinking of what to do.  I can improve myself in all areas so that when opportunities come knocking I am ready to answer.  I can also create my own opportunities instead of just waiting for it.  I can get my resume out to test the market, network, take classes, be more involved in my industry, improve certain functions on my day to day.

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” – Winston Churchill

  • Being unhappy with my body.  My hip hurts, I am addicted to sugar, my waist is not as noticeable as before, and the list goes on and on. Truth is my body is amazing and it looks great for all I put it through. I don’t do the hip exercises as often as I should. I eat so much sugar it is a wonder I don’t just melt every time I get under the shower. My 30 minutes on the elliptical machine is an absolute joke; it is just a walk on the park while watching TV.  So why just complain to you about that? Why try to justify to you the extra pounds? I know what I have to do. Writing pages about the unhappiness with my body is another way of avoiding doing what it needs to be done: more moving and less talking.

Start slow, be consistent. It is not a race. Ignore the little voices distracting me from the hard work. I am one of God’s amazing creations and I am perfect!

“To lose confidence in one’s body is to lose confidence in oneself.”- Simone Beauvoir

  • Being unhappy with some actions I want to take. One example: I want to see someone I know it is not for me. When I say “see” I don’t mean date, I mean meet, and if the mood is right take things further.  I crave intimacy.  I realized that in writing that, I really wanted you (the reader and friend) to give me permission. I wanted you tell me that it is okay to act in the moment, enjoy my body and forget about the consequences. How unfair of me to put you in that position, to either condone my actions or point the error of my ways.

I know better! I know that I am deserving of more. Amazing chemistry can be, well, amazing, but if there is no future it is just not for me. He is wrong but he is comfortable I know what I am getting into, I have been there before – The moment was amazing, the after was less so (and back then he was not kind of taken as he is now, he was just not right for me). I don’t need you to point out what a big mistake would be to revisit the past. Even though it would be exciting and fun, it would not be enough to make me forget my morals. There is also a little detail called “karma”. Knowing something is wrong and doing it anyway will definitely attract bad karma.  Why should I invite drama and not keep myself free from entanglements and open for the good to come in.

“it is impossible to build one’s own happiness on the unhappiness of others. This perspective is at the heart of Buddhist teachings.” – Daisaku Ikeda

  • I wrote about moments of total uncertainty, of so much doubt that I feel paralyzed. There are times I want to be rescued. I want a super-hero to step in and save the day, to show me the way, to guide me.   Do you realize how difficult it is for me to actually write that?

At the end of the day I realize only I can rescue myself. The guidance I need comes from God and the Universe and is already within me. I just need to be quiet enough to listen to it. I need to tune out the distractions, the little doubtful voices of uncertainty and focus on hope and possibilities.

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart.
…live in the question.” – Rainer Marie Rilke

Fear only appears to caution but not to paralyze me. Fear says: pay attention, this is important, so thread lightly. Troubles, problems, stress, uncertainty, discomfort, etc are all amazing sources to growth and wisdom.  I want to befriend my fears, talk to them, listen to them.  They have a lot to teach me.

Discomfort is also good to signal the need for a change. Nothing has ever been accomplished by people that were happy with status quo.

My list of unhappy posts goes on and on, but I gather from all this that my hesitation in posting certain things is because I don’t want to appear weak, depressive, lazy, needy, pessimistic.  In those writings I seek comfort and approval.  What an awful realization for someone so adventurous and self-assured like me .  Or is this weak thing the real me?

I am blessed and complaining feels ungrateful and unjustified. But still I am human, flawed, imperfect, wanting someone to hold me and tell me it will be okay.  In the end I am telling myself that I can have unhappy and weak moments but I don’t have to permanently stay there.  I can see those moments for what they are: lessons to learn, test of faith.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” – Rumi

What once was so natural to me: my optimism, now takes a little effort.  But I am not afraid of challenges so I will embrace it all.  I will concentrate on the positive, will make a point of seeing the beauty in everything and, most important, be grateful for all. I am opening my door to discomfort, problems, stress, unhappiness and all else, as I know that in the lessons and rewards they bring are limitless.

I will not freeze, even if slow, I will continue moving.  I will continue forging ahead putting my heart and beliefs first.  God has my back and is my strength, what am I to fear?  Who am I to question that?

I will value myself and I will choose to be with people that value me and that make me feel good about myself. I give 100% and I am deserving of 100%, I am not settling for less, even for a moment!

I am not re-reading this, as I am already second guessing myself if I should post it. So please look past the typos and grammatical errors and take a dip in the murky waters of my mind.

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity.” – Paulo Coelho

Pondering patience and the pursuit of passion

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“Patience is power. Patience is not an absence of action;
rather it is “timing”
it waits on the right time to act, for the right principles
and in the right way.” -Fulton J. Sheen

Things have been a little crazier than usual for me.  My Mom is still in town so I am trying to spend as much time with her as I can, while juggling the rest of my life.

“I do not believe in taking the right decision, I take a decision and make it right.”  ― Muhammad Ali Jinnah

Being a landlord.   I had been running around trying to hunt my tenant down, finally I got the rent check.  She is supposed to move out (for the past 2 years) but she has been always too weak, sick or too busy to do it. She hasn’t lived there in over a year.

I have offered to help her with the packing, and I have helped a couple of times, but it is extremely trying for me. I like to get things done, to start and get it over with, but she works for 30 minutes and is done for the day until weeks go by and then she is ready to do it again.

She has fibromyalgia so I am sympathetic and I have been extremely patient but now I am losing it. She has been paying the rent (albeit with some coaxing) but it is below market and every month I am losing money.

“I do not believe in taking the right decision, I take a decision and make it right.” – Muhammad Ali Jinnah

Do I force her to get out or do I continue exercising patience? When do I know that enought is enough? Is patience a virtue?  Am I being virtuous or just afraid of taking action?

“Why is patience so important?”
“Because it makes us pay attention.”  – Paulo Coelho

Being an employee/employer.  I used to love my co-workers. Now I dislike a couple of them, specially one of them.  Work is not fun anymore.  The egos in some people here are appaling.

I hate cheap and childish men and I have got both here. I had some screaming matches with one of them that was acting childish and I called him on it. He was giving me the silence treatment instead of talking this and getting the matter resolved.   He thought I owed him $5.00 for pizza.  It was a misunderstanding that didn’t need to get this far.   The whole situation is laughable!

This guy got married.  All of a sudden he got the right clients and started making more money than he ever did in his life.  Those 2 events went to his head. He is totally changed.  He thinks he is a big shot now.

I keep trying to remind myself that this is business and since I am a partner here this person is bringing money to the company and, therefore, to me. That thought makes it a bit easier to stomach him.

Don’t get me wrong.  I have an amazing job. I get paid well and have all kinds of flexibility and perks.  It is just not fun to have someone giving you the silent treatment.  I don’t think any job is perfect and this situation presents all kinds of opportunities for lessons.  More patience and understanding in in order.

“The most pathetic person in the world is some one who has sight but no vision.”  – Helen Keller

Being sophisticated/stylish.  I m trying to dress better.  Not that I don’t dress well, but if you leave it up to me it would be jeans and t-shirt every day and since my job has no dress code it is very easy for me to do just that.

I feel better when I dress better. I guess everyone does. So I am making more of an effort.  I have so many clothes and it is sad and embarrassing to say that I probably use only 10% of my wardrobe.  The rest sits there from season to season with the hope of being used, and I continuously add more to the mix. (I also continuously donate items)

Paying attention to my appearance is a way of saying to myself that I matter, that I am important enough to spend more than 5 minutes getting ready in the morning.

“One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and, if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words.”  – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Extra pounds.  Speaking of appearance, I really do need to get my act together and lose weight.  It is not a lot that I need to lose but it is enough to annoy me.  It is also a reminder that I am not at my best and I am not really putting any effort into it.  I do 30 minutes of elliptical every day but that is about it.  Not enough.

No more excuses.  The 10 pounds I wanted to lose is now 20, I need to make sure that it doesn’t increase even more.

At the end of the day is all about my giving my all, my best, 100% to everything.  I know l haven’t been doing that.  I am just not passionate about anything lately.

I am looking into different classes from language to drink mixing to art history.  I need and want to exercise my mind, body and meet new people.

Wishing everyone a blessed weekend, filled with fun, rest and anything else your mind and body needs!

An update on my dating life, or lack thereof

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“A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.” – Rita Rudner

  1. The Doctor continues to text every now and then and it seems that we have settled on friendship.  I am happy with that.  He is not boyfriend material as he doesn’t seem to know what he wants, but he can be a great friend. File under “No romance, but great conversations”
  2. The perfect guy that was emailing me has not reached out since I didn’t reply to his last email.  Were he real he would wonder what happened and probably write inquiring.  File this under “I dodged a bullet!”
  3. The much younger guy totally disappeared.  I am considering filing a Missing Person’s Report.:-). File under “It was going to be a mistake anyway”
  4. I met someone (still from the Craigslist ad).  We had a great time at dinner.  He asked me on a second date that same evening and I said yes and said I would let him know when.  I am having second thoughts now.  He is recently divorced with 5 kids, and I have to say that 5 kids scare me. Also not a whole lot of chemistry, so I am not sure if I will go through with the second date.  File under “Perhaps… the jury is still out”
  5. There was another guy emailing me, and even though he seemed nice he kept pushing me to meet him.  I explained that my mom is in town and I am having some other stuff to take care of and asked for his patience.  Still he continue to push me. I hate to be pressured on doing something, and I told him so.  I think that it is the end of that. File under: “Patience is a virtue”
  6. My great blogger friend Vanessa from the Vanessence blog thought she had the perfect guy to introduce to me.  Unfortunately when she reached out to him she found out he just got a girlfriend.  I am not disappointed at all as it was a real long shot, but I am extremely happy that someone would think I am a great person to introduce to friends. File under: “It is good to be thought of”
  7.  And now for the last update.  On my post of May 11 I talked about a man from my past that I dated in 2007.  He has never given up and always texted me every now and then, even thought I always ignored him.  Right after Mother’s Day I gave in and replied to one of his texts. We started exchanging flirty texts, or so I thought; only for him to tell me that he has had a girlfriend since 2008.

At which point I said I was not interested, but he is still trying.  Here are the texts he sent the following day (May 12):

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I didn’t reply, I thought he would get the hint, but then again he doesn’t understand hints, so below are the texts from yesterday, to which I replied:

Screenshot 2

Screenshot 3

Screenshot 4

I cut off the rest of the message as there were personal information and names of people pertaining to the details of this event. I didn’t reply and will not again.

I have to come clean and confess that a tiny part of me would love to attend this Dinner Dance event.  I also would love to see him again after almost ten years.  I am curious.  But not looking for drama.  So this is an invitation that was easy to pass up.

If the past is any indication I will continue to hear from him every now and then.   It is up to me not to reply again.  Even though he has no business contacting anyone if he has a girldfriend I have no ill feelings towards him and I still think he has a good heart.  I feel he is just misguided.  He should invest the time he is wasting texting me into fixing his relationship.

Clearly they are growing apart.  I once too thought it was okay for my boyfriend and I to go to events alone and take vacations apart.  I am talking about the first boyfriend (one day I will write about that relationship – we were together for 20 years!!).  I remember he never wanted to attend my work events.  Even though I had always lied to myself and said it was fine, that he was just not comfortable in that enviroment, it was never fine.  It signaled  problems in the relationship.  We disguised the unwilligness to support each other as freedom and individuality.

Relationships are hard work.  It takes compromise and the willingness to venture into the uncomfortable to support each other.  I want my significant other to be there next to me.  I no longer need to stand alone somewhere to prove that I am my own person.

I would hate for somebody else to spend 20 years with someone that is not their match.  Still, not regrets!  Hidsight is 20/20.  Moving forward.  Looking back to just see how far I have come!

and file all this under: “Keeping the faith!  It is not if, it is just when”

“Sometimes the comfort of being in a relationship lulls you into mundane complacency; you become irrelevant in each other’s lives. We call this phenomenon ‘growing apart’.” – Steve Maraboli

 

Feeling disappointed with myself!

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“Never be a spectator of unfairness or stupidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence.” – Christopher Hitchens

I am disappointed with myself.

I am disappointed I didn’t speak up when I witnessed injustice.

This happened on Friday when I took the train to go home.  I didn’t see the beginning of the exchange between the conductor and the 3 passengers. What I saw and heard was the train door beeping (signaling that the door is about to close) and the conductor yelling for 3 guys to get off of the train.

I was not sure what was going on but eventually I understood that the conductor was mad that, supposedly, one of the guys held the door open with his foot so his friend could get in.

The conductor was yelling that they needed to get off of the train. One of them did but the other 2 stated they did nothing wrong and moved up the train car and stood in the vestibule where they normally stayed. This was not my regular train but I had seen those guys before. They are Hispanic and work in construction in the city.

The conductor continued to berate them and, because by this time the train had already left the station, said that they would have to exit at the next station. They tried to talk to him and tell him they didn’t do anything wrong and the door just closed on them as they were boarding, but the conductor was not listening.

Even if holding the train door was illegal, which I am not even sure if it is, it doesn’t justify how rude and demeaning the conductor was treating the 2 men. Holding the train door open is something that every commuter has done at some point. I have, many times, sneaked in as the doors are closing and even stood at the door for somebody to get in.

In 16 years of taking the train twice a day I have never seen anyone being told to get off of train for that reason.

I felt this pang in my heart and gut that told me that the conductor would never behave in such a way towards someone that was better dressed and didn’t speak with an accent. I kept hoping that someone would speak up, but why couldn’t I do it myself? What was holding my voice inside?

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. – Desmond Tutu

I was also telling myself that I didn’t see the actual interaction in the beginning so perhaps there was more to it, but still I couldn’t imagine that anything would justify such rude behavior. I guess by that I was just trying to justify my silence.

When the next station approached the conductor stood by the door and yelled at them to get off and wait for the next train. One of the guys tried to beg him to stay saying that all they wanted to do was get home and they didn’t hold the door open, the door was closing as they got in. But the conductor was having none of that.  He just continued the yelling.  When one of them asked why they need to get off, he replied: “Because I told you so.  This is my train!”

Resigned they walked towards the door to exit.  At this moment a guy sitting across the aisle from me got up and said to them: Do not leave! You guys didn’t do anything wrong. Your only crime is not wearing a suit and tie! (he said that in Spanish, but I understood and agree wholeheartdly). He was, like me, probably an immigrant himself.

At this point I joined in and said I agreed.  I could have kissed that guy I was so happy that somebody had had the guts to speak up!

“Never be afraid to raise your voice for honesty and truth and compassion against injustice and lying and greed. If people all over the world…would do this, it would change the earth.” -william Faulkner

The 2 men knowing that they had support backed away from the door and said they weren’t leaving.  The conductor become even more irate and went crazy with the yellign and screaming.  He said he was going to call the police and that they were going to spend the night in jail.

After realizing that even with the threat of police they wouldn’t leave he walked firmly to the front of the car as if going to radio the police and saying they were going to spend the night in jail.

At this point I decided that if the police were to show up at the next stop I would say something. By now 3 African American women joined in to express their disgust at the way the conductor behaved.

I am happy to say that no police showed up and the guys exited the train on their stop with no other issues. I felt extreme relief.

Still I am disappointed I couldn’t speak up and only did so after someone had done first. Was it fear? It is certainly something that I need to work on. Sticking up for others shouldn’t be a matter of debate for me, I just need to follow my gut and do it.

What gave that conductor the the idea that he can treat anyone in such manner?

I was also disappointed that the only people that said something was the minority.  But why should I judge, if I couldn’t speak up why should I expect others to do so?

A somber thought crossed my mind: Trump.  It scares me to think how much power some people, racist and bigots included, would get if Trump was in power.  I feel a lot of them are already feeling empowered to behave in ways they wouldn’t otherwise.

God please watch over us and grant us strenght and voice to speak up when we see injustice no matter how small. Also please be kind and merciful to the poor souls that think they need to berate the weaker to fell strong.

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

 

Blessings and Lessons, Old and New mistakes

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Being spared a new mistake
Two posts ago I talked about saving the details about one guy I met for later. Now is later. The truth is I thought that by now I would have some very interesting juicy story to tell you, but I don’t. Instead I have a lesson and a stroke of good luck.

From my ad I received tons of emails from younger guys. I dismissed all of those except for one. There was something about him that I thought was worth a second look. From the emails we exchanged and from all my internet snooping I saw that he was a hard-working, accomplished, smart and generous man.  Things that I value in a person.

I decided to meet him in person as a friend. I can have younger friends, can’t I?

We met for coffee and sparks flew. And I started thinking “what if”. What if I ignore the age and just go with the flow? I was actually talking myself into going out with an embarrassingly younger guy, well if you are the type to be embarrassed by things. I am not!

After that initial meeting I gave him my number and we started exchanging texts. I was supposed to come up with a night to have a real dinner date. I knew it would be a mistake and it wouldn’t be something long lasting, still I was willing to jump head first into this empty pool.

And then… he just went silent! He seemed to have completely fallen off the face of earth. No emails, texts, smoke signals, nothing!

In the past I would have gone nuts looking for answers. I would come up with many different scenarios why this happened. Now I just thank the Universe and move on.

Clearly the Universe interceded in my favor. I knew it was going to be a mistake and I was willing to go through with it anyway. The Universe spared me the pain that would certain follow.

I know I am not the type of person for casual relationships. There are so many reasons why casual relationships, friends with benefits type of scenario would never work for me. I get attached. I get emotionally involved. I expect things. I expect heart, energy, and reciprocity of feelings.

Thank you Universe for stepping in. I don’t need to know why he disappeared. It doesn’t matter, the result is the same.

It is amazing what happens when you place your trust in the God (Universe), when you believe that He knows better and He will make sure that whatever it is not good for you it is taken out of the way. (even when you are walking onto disaster out of your own free will)

If it is not a blessing, it is a lesson! In this case the blessing was of being spared the lesson.

When people choose to leave, let them, specially if they were never supposed to be in your life to begin with.

Avoiding an old mistake
Every now and then a ghost from the past rears its ugly head. He shows up looking sharp and brand new. There is no sign of the issues from the past. Well, you don’t really remember the issues from the past. Time has a way of erasing the bad memories.

This guy that I dated very briefly in 2007 (he reminded me of the year) every now and then texts me. Long ago I decided to ignore him, but he never seems to take the hint. Few months go bye and he texts again wishing Merry Christmas, or Valentine’s Day or just saying hello.

I mentioned him here: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2013/03/28/march-28-a-wonderful-day-to-be-born/

He texted me “Happy Mother’s Day” the other day and instead of ignoring him like I always do I texted back. Honestly I don’t even remember why I stopped seeing him, but I am sure there was a good reason. We then started this flirty texting back and forth.

This morning he says: You know I have a girlfriend right?

What? Why would I suspect he has a girlfriend when he is flirting with me on text?  Should I have asked?

I told him exactly how I was feeling: hurt, foolish and stupid. I told him how I blamed myself and not him. Which is true, I opened the door; I can’t blame him for walking in.

I asked him why he contacted me if he has a girlfriend and here is his reply verbatim: “Why wouldn’t I? You are an extraordinary person. And it’s not like we had a fight or any drama like that.”

I was really hurt. I guess he caught me at a vulnerable time. I feel foolish thinking that he was trying to reconnect. Well he was trying to get something on the side for sure.  I feel bad for his girlfriend, which he says he has since 2008.

I politely said I don’t wish to be exchanging texts with a married man. No harm done, no hard feelings.

Two minutes ago I have a delivery. He sent me a box of chocolate covered fruit from Edible Arrangements as a belated birthday gift. I didn’t know if I should just ignore it or say thank you. Clearly it was sent yesterday, before I told him I don’t wish to continue.

I texted: “My office says thank you”. He wanted to engage me in additional conversation but I just ignored it.

Again is that same old lesson that I never seem to learn: Leave the past in the past. Make new mistakes, don’t revive old ones.  There is a reason people are not in your present, son’t question that.  Accept it!

Chocolate covered fruit bites

Chocolate covered fruit bites that my office really enjoyed

 

I will never know what that was, but I know it was not real!

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To continue from the last post:  The “perfect” man I was exchanging emails with told me his last name and ignored the question regarding his date of birth.  The last name was so generic that I couldn’t really find definite answers about him.

The feeling that I was talking to some kind of impostor intensified.

Because I am impatient and impulsive.  Because I cannot wait for things to happen.  Because I follow my gut.  Because I am so honest it hurts.  Because it was late at night and my bed was painfully empty.  For so many reasons I sent him the following email:

“In bed thinking of you…
The you that I created out of desperation and fear
Fearless me feared you would never come
So I created you
I created someone that would magically know how awesome I am
Someone that would appreciate my beauty without knowing what I look like
I created someone caring, intelligent, polite, funny.
I created someone to be my strength when I feel weak
I created someone to be my fan, supporter, confidant and lover
I created someone that wants me as much as I want him
I created someone not perfect, but perfect for me
The problem with desperate creations is that they one day end
Someone once told me that they thought I didn’t think myself worth of love as I seemed to push people that liked me away and seemed to go for impossible situations.
This here is an impossible situation.
You are not real. You don’t exist. I know it.
Still I dream about you every night as giving up on the fairy tale is not an option.
I know this is not real. I know you are not real.”

Of course 5 minutes later I had already regretted sending it.  My intent was to tell him that I knew he was a fake and that I was emailing with him not because he was fooling me but because of my forever search for that special one.  So even thought I knew he was a fake I continued emailing making room that one millionth to one chance that he could be the real thing.

I expected that he would do one of the following:
1) Reply as usual
2) Try to convince me how real he is
3) Never write again

After not writing for one day, he continued writing as if all was fine.  He continued giving me updates on his father’s stay at the hospital. He continued telling me how amazing and supportive I am.

I never replied again.

“Silence is sometimes the best answer” – Dalai Lama

I am still curious as to what was his endgame. What was his aim, or was he just happy emailing? Was just the daily morsel of attention he craved?  I can’t blame him.

I am not even mad at him, or frustrated or sad.  This is internet, this is craigslist’s territory so I am totally prepared and not surprised.   Buyer beware!   Each person that turns out not to be the one is bringing me one step closer to the right one, so I I don’t get discouraged.

I know some things one cannot search for.  Some things the more you search for the more elusive it becomes.  To me stopping the search means giving up.  Plus I enjoy the attention and entertainment.  I enjoy how much I get to learn about myself. I enjoy meeting people that otherwise I would never cross paths with.  I enjoy being pro-active.  I enjoy putting myself out there.  It makes me feel alive.

“Choose to be optimistic, it feels better.”  – Dalai Lama

Back…to old tricks of searching for fairy-tales

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Returning

I am back from Brazil. I was there for only one week visiting family.  Everything went well.  The truth is that most of the things that I wish it could have gone better had to do with me and my expectations.  Trying to lead a life of no expectations is incredibly difficult.  What you think is being helpful is actually seen as being critical.  It is hard to deal with people that are so defensive that they see everything as a personal attack.

But here is the great news; this old dog can learn new tricks.  This old dog can try keeping her mouth shut.  Keep your great ideas and suggestions to yourself, no one cares or appreciates.

This is also an opportunity for me to look inwards and see how ready to attack I am.  Am I keeping an open mind and giving people a chance to be themselves?

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” – Rumi

Mom

My mother has returned with me as she does every time I go there.  She normally stays here for 1 month but now that my brother has retired and is able to help with my dad she will stay here for 2 months.  I think a longer stay will be beneficial to her; it will keep her away from her daily stressors.

We are still not sure about her illness yet.  The doctors in Brazil keeps running countless tests and not arriving at any conclusion. The latest doctor she went to, which was referred by the neurosurgeon was an ear, nose and throat doctor.  He was supposed to look over the test’s results and come up with a diagnosis and course of treatment.  Instead he asked for some of the same tests to be done again.

In the meantime she has been taking medication for dizziness prescribed by the neurosurgeon.  When she returns to Brazil she will see another doctor and hopefully get some answers.  She gets very dizzy sometimes to the point that she cannot stand up, also, lately, she has been very achy over her entire body.  Combine that with diabetes, high blood pressure and hypothyroidism and it makes for a lot medications to take, which makes her crazy.

Being here forces her to relax as I live in a small apartment and I don’t really allow her to do much.  In Brazil I know she over does it.

She is turning 81 on Sunday, so there is birthday cake in my future.  I don’t want to celebrate my birthday but I am all for eating other’s birthday cakes.
***

“Experience life in all possible ways — good-bad, bitter-sweet, dark-light, summer-winter.   Experience all the dualities.
Don’t be afraid of experience, because the more experience you have, the more  mature you become.” – Osho

I put a personal ad on Craigslist

I have met people off of Craigslist before from different ads I have placed regarding finding partners for activities and from selling my US Open tennis tickets (I used to have season tickets).  A couple of weeks ago I placed a personal ad.  I blame boredom and, perhaps, the need for attention from the opposite sex.

Of course I received dozens of emails, with all kinds of proposals, some indecent.  After sifting through them I replied to those that seemed to be real and serious.

I met 2 people in person.  The first one was the guy I have mentioned took me dancing. We have been in touch.  He asked me out again, but I was busy.  I need to decide if I am going to see him again.

The other one I met briefly 2 nights ago.  I will save him for a next post.  Stay tuned.

The one I want to mention now is one that I know is not real.  I know it is a fake, but I don’t really know of what kind fake he is.

We have been exchanging emails on a daily basis.  He just seems too good to be true.  He is not intrusive as he doesn’t ask a single question about me.  Or does that mean that he is really not interested in finding out?  He knows very little, almost nothing about me.  He has not seen a picture and doesn’t even know I am originally from Brazil.  He sent me 2 pictures.  I sent him none.  He asked for but said that he was okay if I didn’t feel comfortable sending them. So I never did.

When I mentioned that he didn’t seem real he gave me his phone number and said I should call that evening to confirm he was real.  I didn’t call that evening.  Days later I called restricted and got a voice mail, but I left no message.

With only the pictures, phone number and his first name I have not been able to get any information on Google.  I am normally able to find something with less, so this is killing me that I cannot find anything.

Even though he said he is 44, he sounds older, more cultured, from a more chivalrous world. It is hard to explain, but the words he uses, his level of writing is definitely from someone very well educated. There are no typos or slangs, sometimes I have to look up some words to make sure of the meaning. He writes as if he already knows that I am a real good, honest, beautiful person.  I am all that but how would he know if he has never seen or talked to me? He writes exactly what I would love to hear from a man.

“Suspecting and knowing are not the same.” – Rick Riordan

When we started emailing, he was too busy to meet in person, and then I was going to Brazil (I never mentioned where I was going.  He never asked).  He offered to pick me up when I mentioned I was returning from my trip.  Of course I declined, I am not about to get into a car with a stranger.  On the same day of my arrival supposedly his dad had a near fatal heart attack and he had to travel to another state and be with his mother.  His dad is still in the hospital waiting to be stable enough to have some kind of bypass.   Will this, probably fictitious, father ever get better or will he have to stay there forever?  Should I bluff and say I am traveling there to see him?

The only reason I am still corresponding with him is because I am curious and I want to see how far he will go with this charade.  I want to know what he is after.

Throughout my online dating experience I have encountered all kinds of scams, and can normally spot one from miles away.  But this time I am stumped as to what is the end game here.  Is he starving for attention and has too much time on his hands?  Is he married? Is he from some Nigerian scheme?  Will he start asking for money?

I have just emailed him and asked for his last name and date of birth.  I am eager to see what he will say to that.

For now I am replying just a few lines to his daily emails and mostly just offering support.  I don’t want to make any emotional investment.

I know it is fake, but still I wouldn’t be this hopeful fairy-tale chasing romantic I am if I didn’t harbor a glimmer of wanting and wishing he were real.


“Be realistic: Plan for a miracle” – Osho

 

With peaceful and hopeful thoughts I go home again

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A quick hello/update before I get on my flight to Brazil tonight.

At work, things were under control until the auditors decided to start asking questions again.  They have this uncanny ability to know exactly when I am going on vacation to send me away stressed.  This has been a good exercise in setting priorities at work.

***

The doctor that I had dated (April 2nd post) started sending me flirty texts this week. Even though I wanted to discuss our relationship, or lack thereof, in person I went ahead and took that opportunity to establish that we are friends and that is it.

He seemed surprised (it is really hard to tell on text), but agreed.  I was immediately happier for having things clarified.  I don’t like murky waters.  I like to know where I stand and want others to know where they stand with my.  I am always striving for more clarity and less miscommunication.

***

On Saturday I went dancing with this young guy (36).  I didn’t really consider it a date because of the age difference.  I had a great time.  I only didn’t care for how he wanted to turn a sweet kiss goodnight into endless kisses.  I hate to have to say stop/no more than once.

Still he was a sweet guy and perhaps I will see him again.

***
My suitcases are packed all is missing are the bagels.  I have to take at least a dozen bagels every time I go to Brazil.

I am trying not to pack: anxiety, control-freakiness, work issues, expectations, and assumptions.

I am trying to pack: patience, hope, believe that everything is the way it is supposed to be.

My mother’s illness, which the doctors are having a hard time deciphering, is making everything difficult.  She has been getting extremely dizzy and tired.  She is also more irritable, short of patience, with the smallest of things setting her off.  It is a difficult and delicate situation.

Hopefully she will be able to return with me as she does every time I go there.  I leaving it all in God’s hands.  He knows best! I am just praying for guidance.

***
Wishing you all much light and blessings this weekend and the week ahead.  May many doors open to what is right in your life!

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