I may have lost a friend when I gained a conscience

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“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” – Elbert Hubbard

On Christmas Day I lost my best friend.  He got engaged! I know nothing needs to change but everything already did.

Let me explain:

We have known each other for over 5 years now. While this is not a crazy amount of time, in that time we managed to cultivate a very close relationship.  We have a relationship that is completely non-judgmental and honest. We both feel safe with each other to share everything.  So I tell him about my dates and he tells me about his work, daughter and life in general.

I have other friends, but he is actually the one that I tell everything, and that is hard for me to lose.

We dated briefly in the beginning and very soon realized that the age difference (16 years) would be too much to circumvent.   After a couple of months apart we drifted back to each other and managed to become just friends (without benefits).

Our chemistry is undeniably there but other than one tryst ages ago we have remained platonic.   We can never find a convenient time to meet for a drink, so we mostly text with some emails and phone calls in between. The texting has been constant, and so has the flirting.

At one point I did toy with the idea of friends with benefits with him since we have great chemistry but, first, I don’t think I am a “friends with benefits” type of girl and second by the time I was really considering it he had gotten a girlfriend.  The texting, flirting and friendship continued.   The fact that he had a girlfriend never bothered me and I never felt I was doing anything wrong.  I did feel that it would end the day when I got a boyfriend.

It bothered me that he never introduced his girlfriend to me.  He always said he was going to but somehow it never managed to happen, and after awhile I think I knew he never would, and I chose not to care.

“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…” – Pema Chodron

Things changed to me the day after he got engaged. I was aware that he was getting engaged, he showed me the ring and I was happy and excited for him.   The next day we were talking excitedly about his engagement and then the next moment the talk turned to sexual innuendos, just like old times, yet not so old. This time it didn’t feel right. It felt dirty.  I told him we needed to take a break.   He thought I was joking.

While I enjoy the friendship and already miss it, I don’t want to be a hidden friend, a secret.  I realize that he never mentioned me to her, and to mention me at this point may see weird and suspicious.

I would not want my fiancé (if I had one) flirting with a girl. I have been cheated on, I know the pain. How can I cause that on somebody else?  But am I really causing any pain?

He has texted  a few times since then and I haven’t replied, even though it has ben extremely hard to ignore him.  I don’t know what to do. Do I resume speaking to a friend that I care about and accept this friendship as is; or do I continue the silence until he never contacts me again?

I am very conflicted about this. I care for him and it hurts not to have him in my life.  But can we resume talking and never flirt again?  I have a lot of respect for him and yet I don’t respect his actions.  He is serious about this person so he shouldn’t be flirting with anybody else.

What is to be a friend?  It is to accept them completely and make no demands?  It is still loving them even though you don’t accept their actions?  Or is making them accountable and showing them the error of their ways?

“Friendship is the purest love. It is the highest form of Love where nothing is asked for, no condition, where one simply enjoys giving.”- Osho

Then again who made me judge and jury?

What is my problem?

  1. Am I jealous of him getting married? I don’t think so.. I could be married by now if I really wanted to.

2) Am I mad he never introduce me to the girlfriend? perhaps.  Why is he hiding me? To be a secret feels dirty, although I do agree it is a bit exciting also.

3) Am I disappointed in myself for flirting with someone that has a girlfriend and considering continuing on? Yes I guess I am.  I don’t have to flirt back.  I can just say we will not continue this line of conversation and he would not do it.  Yet every time he starts I am totally join in.

4) Perhaps I like the flirting when he was “available” and now that he is not I just feel that I am flirting with disaster.

I told a male friend about this situation and he thinks I am making a bid deal out of nothing.  He says that if I enjoy the friendship I should continue and not worry about it.  That is on him to think about his fiancee.  I am tempted.

But for now I am putting in a bit of time and space between us and we will see what happens.  At the end of the day he is not the problem at all.  It is me, I don’t trust myself!

When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the “nay” in your own mind, nor do you withhold the “ay.” And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart; For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed. – Kahlil Gibran

New Year, Time to Renew and Redo

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“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language
And next year’s words await another voice.”  – T.S.Elliot

Now is about the time that I would stop and take account of the year that has passed.  I would pat myself on the back for the things I had accomplished and I would be mad at myself for the things that I had failed to do.  I am not doing that this time.

I don’t really care, the past is gone and I cannot change it, so there is no point in beating myself up over what has gone wrong.   As far as congratulating myself for what has gone right at this point would just make me rest on my laurels. And I feel I have been resting on my laurels way too much and for too long.

I am making peace with 2016 by understanding that I did the best that I could with the tools I had at that moment.  Perhaps I was lazy and complacent, but that it is what it is, it is done!

What I want to do today is embrace my future!  Time is such a precious commodity.  The time we have is limited and we never know when our expiration date is, so I need to stopping wasting time.

What does 2017 hold for me?  That is not the right question.  The right question is what do I hold for 2017?  How am I going to honor 2017?  How am I going to make it the best year yet?

What do I want in 2017?  And, most importantly, what are the sacrifices I am willing to make to get there?  Yes you heard me right, sacrifices!  I believe that every reward, every goal, every achievement involves some sort of sacrifice.  Without sacrifice there is no reward.  There are small sacrifices and there are huge sacrifices but there is always a price to pay.

Perhaps is sacrificing time with the family, perhaps is letting go of desserts for awhile, perhaps is devoting an extra hour to reading and education.  Perhaps is not contacting a person that is toxic to us.   Whatever it is I want to achieve it will involve my dedicating time, effort and energy.

I am successful, well perhaps your definition of success is different than mine.  To me success doesn’t mean money or material things.  To me success is going after what you want and achieving it.  I have done that and for every achievement there were sacrifices.

In 2017 I decide to sacrifice more, which, actually when one looks at it perhaps sacrifice is not the right word.  The right word is investment .  How much (energy, time, effort, etc) am I willing to invest?

What I know for sure is that continuing to do the exact same things I have been doing day in and day out will not achieve the results I want. I have to put in the effort, I have to let the Universe know that I mean business, that I am not just daydreaming.

I need to decide what I really want.   I need to write my plans down.  Get them out of my head and into paper and into life. What I am willing to do to get things done?  What are the fears I am willing to face?  What comforts and security am I willing to to let go to bring me closer to my goals?

Still I need to be mindful of the realities of life.  There will be things I have to do and there will be things I want to do.  Managing those 2 will be the key.  There are tons of dreams: more travel, more skiing, more culture, etc.   Then there are the realities: bills to pay, family to take care of, a job to worry about,etc.

‘Do more, talk less” will be my motto for 2017!  Writing more will be one of the things I will be trying to accomplish, not only writing here but also work on things such as short stories and such.

I am not going to waste time talking about losing weight or getting in shape.  I spent 2016 talking about it but not changing a thing.  There is no surprise that there were no results. My promise to myself is to try to respect more my body and treat it better.

I am going to take steps to expand, mind, social life, etc.  The idea is to expand my mind, my heart and emit positive energy and attract the same.  I want to make better choices of the people I surround myself with, books I read, films I watch.  Those are the foods for my soul and mind and I want to stop consuming garbage.

Online dating will continue full-force, not only as a tool to find a partner but a tool to know myself and learn about others.  Online dating means HOPE, it means that I still believe and I am still willing to put myself out there and try!

But above all in 2017 I want to make tons of mistakes, I want to do more, fall more and get up more.  I don’t want to play it safe.  I don’t want to be stationary.  I want to grow.  Similar to skiing, in life, if one is not falling, one is not learning!

My hope for you, as well as for me, is that we have the strength to make the changes we need to make in our lives.

“Cutting out drama… Healthy mind and body choices… Intent followed by action… Keeping real friends and letting go of the pretends… Livin’ clean for Twenty Seventeen!” – Steve Maraboli

 

***

 

From feast to famine in 48 hours

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“Love doesn’t make the world go ’round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” – Shannon L. Adler

My number one complaint from all my first dates is the lack of chemistry.  I have been lucky that, overall,  I meet good guys, but if there are no sparks, then there is no future.

There are now two guys:

The School Counselor.  We have been texting  and emailing for a couple of months, but I wouldn’t agree to meet while my mother was here.  Since my mother left we have gone on 2 dates.

We always have so much fun online and in person.  We make each other laugh.  The first date was a delicious meal at an Italian restaurant near my home.   On the second date we went to the movies.  I can see having a friendship even if romance doesn’t blossom.

At the end of the date when he dropped me off at my apartment we kissed.  While it didn’t rock my world, I thought: I can work with this!  It was a good kiss.  I excited to feel the potential here.

We continue to text and I am sure the 3rd date is probably towards the end of the week.

In the meantime this other guy reaches out.

The Hospital Pharmacist.  We had started talking awhile back but we had cooled things off because he declared that we live too far (1 hour) and also because he doesn’t like traveling and I eventually want to see the world.  Not deal-breakers for me but apparently they are for him.

He emailed me the other day and said he couldn’t get me out of his mind and asked me if we could be friends.  I agreed.   I don’t have enough friends, so I always welcome new friendships.

We started exchanging emails and texts often.  I never give my phone number out until I have a date scheduled or until after I meet, but in the case of these 2 guys I did.  I guess the potential in it made me relax a bit my rules.

The conversation was easy, fun and the chemistry could be felt through the phone line.  He seemed to be as open and honest as I am.

On Monday he canceled a date he had with somebody else and he came to meet me because he said he could not wait any longer.  The sparks flew immediately.  The chemistry was undeniable.  We kissed within 1 hour of sitting at the restaurant. It was like we had known each other for ages.

At the end of the night he walked me to my door and kissed me again and if I was not such a good girl I would have invited him in. But I am, so I didn’t! 🙂

We will be seeing each other on Christmas Day for dinner and we will also spend New Year Eve together.

So at this point, even though this is just the beginning,  I am thinking: I can’t juggle men.  I will have to choose one.

and then it all changed:

“Rejection is an opportunity for your selection.”  – Bernard Branson

The School Counselor.  He was silent for a couple of days so I got worried (he had been getting in touch every day for multiple times a day).  I texted him and he replied: “It’s about time you reached out”.

I asked him what he was talking about and he said that he wanted to see if I was interested and would contact him.  That is an immediate turn off for me and I told him that.

I told him the he knows that I am interested as I had already told him.  (I don’t expect men to read my mind, and I don’t play games, if I like someone I tell them that)  Then he said he didn’t mind chasing but not a lot.  Chasing?  Since when asking a girl on a date is chasing?

“Let him who would move the world first move himself.” – Socrates

By now I am completely turned off.  I am not interested in games or little boys.   I am interested in a man that know what he wants and go after it.  Playing these types of games is just dumb. I am not 15.  I don’t have time or use for that.   And that was the end of that.  I don’t expect to hear from him, and I don’t want to.

If you like someone why play hard to get and give some other guy a chance to get to her first?

I am saddened only about the fact that we can’t be friends as we were even talking about dance lessons.

“You feel good, you feel bad, and these feelings are bubbling from your own unconsciousness, from your own past. Nobody is responsible except you. Nobody can make you angry, and nobody can make you happy.” – Osho

The Hospital Pharmacist.  The next morning following the date he texted to say he couldn’t wait to see me again, and how amazing we were together.  Then almost immediately he said that we are not going to work out because he can’t go to Brazil twice a year.   I said I would expect my partner would want to come at least once to meet my family but I never expect anyone to go every single time I went.

Then we spent the rest of day exchanging sweet texts.  The next morning he texts good morning and immediately proceeds to tell me that he is in a funk.  That he is confused about us.  He thinks we are going too fast.  That we shouldn’t see each other on Christmas Day.

I detected a pattern here and was trying to be extra calm and patient.  I told him not to stress himself out.  I pointed out that there was nothing going on.  We had one date and a couple of kisses.   I said we can go slow as you please.

Later on he said that we were still on for New Years Eve but that we shouldn’t go out but stay in my apartment, as people in the clubs were crazy on that night.  That was a bit presumptuous of him to assume that I would have him over to my apartment on the second date, but I didn’t say that to him as I could tell we would never get that far anyway.  What I did said to him was that that was the opposite of going slow.

“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.” – Paulo Coelho

He continued on alternating between wanting to see me and being stressed over it.  Of course by now I am losing interest and I am even scared as the word “bipolar” springs to mind.

Almost as if reading my mind he says:  You are right, I am acting bipolar. Again I mentioned that there is no need to stress and that he should set that pace.  He says we should set the pace together and that annoyed me because it has been all about him and what he is comfortable with.

At this point I sad: make up your mind.  That is when he pressed me if I wanted to see him New Years Eve.  By then I had had enough and I said no.   I said: You don’t know what you want, make up your mind, stop the games and let me know what you decide.

He got upset I said he is playing games and pretty much said goodbye.  He said he is not a man that play games.  Could have fooled me!

“The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes. ”- Pema Chodron

***

I could have easily played nice and continued seeing those 2 guys.   But why?  I am not about to convince a guy to see me when he seems to be want to be talked into a relationship.  I am not about to keep my mouth shut when I think that someone is incorrect and is not treating me fairly.

Lessons and blessings come to mind:

First I need to thank God for showing me people’s true colors before much heart, time and energy is spent.

Second, the realization that men play as much games as women, if not more is both frightening and eye opening.  The male species is not as upfront as I once thought.

Third, people are fickle.  Even when I think I know them, I really don’t.  It is easy to forget that when things click, and the hormones are bubbling up with so much chemistry.  Some love you today and hate you tomorrow with no rhyme or reason.

Fourth, don’t take people’s actions, confusions, and indecisions personally.  I am good enough, I am perfect!  The right person will see it, the wrong ones will be confused.

Last, I congratulate myself on protecting my heart and my body.  Bringing someone in my life and my apartment is my choice.  People can assume what they want.  I laugh a lot, I joke a lot, I flirt a lot, but that does not mean that the door is open to just anyone.

“Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” – Rumi

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Same old story with same old ending

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“I keep turning over new leaves, and spoiling them, as I used to spoil my copybooks; and I make so many beginnings there never will be an end. (Jo March)”  -louisa May Alcott

The snow on Saturday was a reminder that skiing season is here and I need to start planning my skiing vacation.

I thought about skipping skiing this season. I am out of shape and have all sorts of pain in my hip and back.  Also once again I will be traveling alone.

For a second I become sad and negative. I alternate between feeling like a victim and feeling like the perpetrator.

I am beating myself up for having had an entire year to get in shape and done nothing about it.  I had an entire year to go back to the doctor regarding my hip. One whole year to eat a little less sugar and carbohydrates.  One whole year to improve physically.  I didn’t any of it.

I had one whole year of meeting nice guys (ok some jerks too), and turned them all away.  I am mad at myself for saying no to perfectly good guys. I could have a skiing companion if I had not been so picky, if I had not been holding out for fireworks.

I am berating myself for being in this same situation yet again. Another year come and gone, and the same situation remains.  I have no one to blame but myself.  Should I just skip skiing this winter?

Will blaming myself accomplish anything?That is a resounding NO!  I realize, quick enough, that being down on myself, yelling at myself will not accomplish anything. It will only put me in a negative, pessimistic mental state. There is nothing to gain with that. It will only make matters worst.

These thoughts are not helping.  I am sending the Universe the wrong message.  These negative conversations with myself, these berating of myself only creates more negativity and powerlessness.

Thinking that I have to be in shape and have to have company to go skiing is the wrong way of thinking. Waiting for someone or waiting to be at a certain level to start doing something you love  is counter effective and the best way to never do anything at all.

So, this year again, I will do what I do every time. I will go skiing alone and not in good shape.  And I am willing to bet I will have the best time ever, as I always do.

I will stand at the top of the mountain, feeling blessed and grateful realizing the beauty of nature and the blessings of God.  I will feel invincible and humble at the same time.

I will come back with plans of getting in a better shape for next time.

I cannot do anything about the year that is ending.   All I can do is to start now and promise myself I will try harder and never give up.  It doesn’t matter if I take steps back or even remain stationary, the key is to love and be kind to myself and to know I am a work in progress and I can always change.

Here is to new beginnings, re-beginnings, planning new beginnings!  Here is loving myself and being kind to myself, skinny or fat.

“Great things happen to those who don’t stop believing, trying, learning, and being grateful.” ― Roy T. Bennett 

Dating, mom, mechanic and gratitude, just a couple of weeks in my life!

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As usual I started many posts and never finished/published them. By now they have lost their freshness and significance. They are pretty much old news.  But still I want to record it here and make sure you don’t miss anything 🙂

“You must be able to say “I understand,” before you can say “I agree,” or “I disagree,” or “I suspend judgment.” – Mortimer J. Adler

Dating: The classical musician I was dating was insistent on meeting my mother. I explained to him the reasons why he would not meet her.  I mentioned that we barely know each other.  But chief among my reasons was my fear that he would think that the relationship was more serious then what it was.

Guess what? By now we are no longer speaking. We had a misunderstanding over texts and things are pretty much over. I didn’t like his negativity when I shared some bad news and I let him know. I wouldn’t mind have him as a friend but if I reach out now he may think I am interested in more so I am leaving things alone. I was already unsure of my feelings so why insist on something that my heart is not in it in the first place? I was terrified of hurting him so it is better this way.  He is an awesome guy so I pray he finds someone nice out there.

On Sunday I went to dinner with a 46 year old school counselor and we got along great.  We are going out again this week.  He considered Sunday a meet and greet and not a first date.  To me, if there is plenty of food and drinks, and you spend hours together it is a date. We are talking about taking dance lessons together even if we don’t make it romantically. We shall see.

“My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her.” – George Washington

Mom’s visit: I started writing about the joys and hardships of having mom visiting for a month. We get to spend quality time together. Each time I get to discover something new about her childhood and younger days.  We have fun going shopping and going to the casino. She enjoys making my favorite meals and coming up with new desserts.

But our relationship can be trying sometimes as I cannot really say all I am thinking because she cannot handle it.  She is 82, from a different time and culture. If I haven’t challenged her by now, now that she is older I am not about to start.

By now I am writing about the bitter sweetness (she left on Saturday) of her leaving. Sad to see her go but happy to return to my routine. When she is here I make her a priority and everything else takes a back seat. Also she loves to cook and bake and now I have an extra 10 pounds to get rid of now.

Now I am thinking about taking mom to Israel again as she can’t stop talking about returning there. And there is nothing that pleases me more than making my mom happy.

“That’s the thing about being a victim; you start to think it’ll happen to you on a regular basis. It’s living with the reality of your own vulnerability, and it sucks.” – Dennis Lehane

Car troubles: My car was at the mechanics for the third straight time. Any time something breaks, especially my car, I feel vulnerable. I feel powerless and at someone’s else mercy.  This is a feeling I hate. I don’t have the tools to know if what a worker is telling me is correct.

By now I have my car back, but because it has been in the mechanics for the same problem a couple of times I now struggle with trusting that the problem has been corrected 100%. Every time I put the key in the ignition I am afraid it will not start.

Now I am deciding which car to buy and what to do with this one. I don’t want to sell it as I already invested too much money in it. It is a classic and I hope that the longer I keep I can eventually recover the money I put in it. I also need to find an extra parking or storage space.

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”  – Epicurus

Thanksgiving:  And of course Thanksgiving has come and gone, but gratitude should stay forever.  I am grateful for the for family, friends, job, health, opportunities, for this blog and for you!

I decided to try to be even more grateful than what I already am.  I am being vigilant about it.  I am paying attention to every breath, every little thing, good and even the bad ones.

It is easy to be grateful for the good and fun. To be grateful for the bad things it takes effort.  It takes the ability to believe that nothing is bad.  Everything is for the better and for the greater good.

It takes blind faith.

Being grateful goes hand in hand with being positive and faithful.  Being grateful is not a function of how much one has, being grateful is realizing that whatever you have is in itself a blessing.

Problems are lessons and opportunities.  Even tragedies have a way of uncovering miracles and revealing the best in people.

I plan on uncovering and revealing every little morsel of blessing I see.

Some people deserve no chances

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clueless-text

The above are texts that I received from the man from my last post: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2016/11/18/is-anyone-deserving-of-a-3rd-4th-5th-chance/

The first text is when he sent me the email I talked about in that post.  The second one I received last night, after not replying to his text or email.

I was shocked to get such a text. He is clearly not the person I once thought he was. Why would he write such a text? What makes him think that such a text is okay?  We had one date!  We have never held hands, kissed, anything.

I am so disgusted by this text.  I even feel like changing my phone number.  I hope I don’t have to.  I hope I won’t ever hear from him again.

At the end of the day this episode shows me:

  1.  I have to stop being so trusting and always expecting the best of people.  I have to be even more cautious. Not everyone deserves a second or more chances.  Don’t give people a chance to continue failing you and hurting you!
  2. Sometimes we have to forgo niceties.  No everyone is deserving of politeness.  If being nice puts you in an awkward situation or sends someone the wrong message, don’t be nice! Put yourself first!
  3. When people show you who they are by the way they act, believe them!  Don’t get fooled by pretty words and empty promises.  Talk is cheap.  Believe actions!

I am so happy I followed my gut and everyone’s advice and never replied.  I was really tempted to write a nice polite email back.  Thank you all for helping me make the right decision.

“If you’re betrayed, release disappointment at once.
By that way, the bitterness has no time to take root.”
― Toba Beta

Is anyone deserving of a 3rd, 4th, 5th chance?

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Out of the blue I receive a text from a man I had a date in the past.

He was telling me that he sent me an email and was eagerly waiting my reply.  Here is the email:

“Hello. I hope this e mail finds you well and getting ready for the holidays.

I’ve been thinking of you a lot these past few months, and came across our first e mail exchange. It brought back some memories, like that of our first date. Its hard (or not hard) to believe it was more than two years ago.

I realized, too, that we never got too far because I was not focused, nor ready to have you in my life.

Even more recently, I know I made contact with you but did not follow through. I know that made you angry and after I did not follow through with the planning of our date, you asked me not to contact you again.

After giving it a lot of thought, I want you to know that I have NOT EVER forgotten about you, was always extremely interested in you, and wanted you in my life. I still feel the same.

Ana, I want to see you again, see you regularly and see where we can take a relationship. I was unable previously to focus on you because I had not yet ended a relationship that wasn’t good, and needed to be ended, but lingered. I have also made some changes or modifications to my work life so I can have more leisure time, and also my business is now focused in Westchester County (where I believe you live still, New Rochelle?).

Ana, I come to you not knowing what is happening in your personal life-perhaps you’re married now, or whatever, but either way, I was not going to forgo contacting you to ask that you allow me to pursue you (court you? perhaps that’s better) again.

I know its short notice, but I have appointments in Westchester tomorrow and I would like to ask you if you would like to meet me for dinner. I have attached a picture of myself to jog your memory, but if you read the e mail threads, who I was (am) should come back to you.

I look forward to your response and hope it is a positive one. I might hope, too, that you are happy I came back to attempt to be in your life…

I realize I missed a great opportunity with you, Ana, and I would like to reclaim it, as well as a place in your heart.

Respectfully, Paul”

I am always willing to give people extra chances, but in this case I am just not willing to try again.  He has asked for chances before and has never followed through with his promises.

I canceled our first date.  After many email exchanges we were eager to meet each other, or so I thought.  On the afternoon of the date he says he can meet at 7 in a restaurant downtown (I am in Midtown).  He says he has a meeting there at 6 that ends at 7 and then he has a haircut at 8.  So he can meet me from 7 to 8.

I was shocked and told him that I didn’t appreciate being sandwiched between appointments.  Also he should have taken into account my location and he should be getting a haircut to meet me.  He offered to cancel the hair appointment and meet me Midtown, I declined.  The deed was done, and the moment was gone for me.

I am not sure how many times he canceled on me until we finally met.  And on that instance he was 30 minutes late.  I was about to leave.  The date was pleasant.  After that we had another date that he canceled because he had to take his dog to the vet.

I am not sure what happened after that, but I knew this was a person that I could not count on, and since he couldn’t be free for dates things fizzled.

I remembered he asking me to dinner a prior time when he was in my neck of woods and I ignored. And this time again it seems he is asking simply out of convenience, since he will be in Westchester anyway.

I don’t want to be convenient.  I want a man to go out of the way for me.

Although he was an interesting person and we had lots to talk about this is one time where I think that I should just let go and consider tried and done.

But here is my question:  Do I reply and say Thanks, but no thanks or do I just ignore it? Even though I want to treat people how I want to be treated which is I always want to be acknowledge and not ignored;  in this case I think I will choose silence.

“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.” -Tupac Shakur

 

Trump! Now What?

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america

“Do you want to know who you are? Don’t ask. Act! Action will delineate and define you.” -Thomas Jefferson

I fought for my vote yesterday.  I had not changed my address since I last moved, but I knew that I would still be able to vote as I had moved within in the same county.  I printed the law reference and description and brought it with me.  It came in handy as I was originally turned away.  I had to point out the law and explain it (scary to see the misinformation of the people working there ).  I was finally allowed to vote via affidavit.  I wanted to make my voice heard and not sit idly by.

I felt proud to do my part.  My vote for Hilary was not really a vote for Hillary but a vote against Trump.  I never cared for Hillary but I felt I had no choice.  I could never support a loose cannon, a power hungry, egomaniac bully that thinks he has all the answers and is better than everyone else.

When the election results started coming in my mood started growing somber.  I decided to just to go to bed.  I had a doomed feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I was hoping for the best but deep down inside I knew things were not going to go as I had hoped.

“I know in my heart that man is good, that what is right will always eventually triumph, and there is purpose and worth to each and every life.”  – Ronald Reagan

I woke up at 4am (I have been waking up at 4 since I returned from Brazil) and I had texts from the musician (my date from a previous post) pronouncing his dismay. I tried to go back to sleep immediately in the hopes that this was just a bad dream.

I couldn’t.  I couldn’t stop my mind from thinking, from fearing, from predicting doom.  I couldn’t get the sadness out of my heart.

I am stunned! What happened?  How can a bully win as the president of the USA? What will be the future of the land of opportunity? How can I still be a proud American?

I hate to compare it but I feel like I felt when Brazil lost 1-7 to Germany at the World Cup.  This feels upside-down, absolutely wrong!  It is incomprehensible!  There is no world order!  While that was just a game that tucked at my heart strings; this is the future of a country, and I dare say the world, something not to joke about it.

“Let us never negotiate out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate.” – john F. Kennedy

I am always so positive and can find a silver lining in anything and here I am, empty, grasping at straws!

I want to believe that out of great tragedies there will come great miracles. Perhaps there will be more unification against the fear of separation.  Perhaps there will be more love against the fear of rampant hate.

I hope, I believe, I pray!

Can a bully grow a heart?

Can the power hungry be fair?

Can an egomaniac think of others before himself?

Can the proud find humility in his heart?

Can he see and treat woman as equals?

Can he learn to listen to advice?

Can he respect opinions?

Can he be a good neighbor?

“I hope I shall possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain what I consider the most enviable of all titles, the character of an honest man.” -George Washington

Some times when I am watching a movie and at the end, well, there is no ending, I just sit there refusing to leave, dumbfounded that I was forced to sit through 2 hours and get no ending.  This is how I feel.  I don’t want to get up and accept that this is it! I want an ending.  I want a happy ending.

The US is starting to look like Brazil and I don’t mean the good stuff, warm hearts, friendly people, party atmosphere. I mean the upside politics, the powerlessness feeling of people, the doom and gloom of an uncertain future!

It is humbling and depressing!  A time to reevaluate, to act, to do!

May we unite and not divide!  We have a new president and may he be blessed with wisdom! May his be a government of fairness, justice, equality, progress, unification, love and respect!

Miracles do happen! Lets believe together! Peace First, Peace Always!

“Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don’t have the strength.”  – Theodore Roosevelt

eagle

images from Google images

How to spot a fake dating profile

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I often hear stories of women who lost a lot money on romance scams.  It is hard to understand how can someone start sending money to a person they never met.  I blame loneliness.  Some people are starving for a connection, others are starving to feel needed or loved.  That combined with how clever some con-artists are and all of a sudden you find yourself wiring money.  Don’t be fooled!

It is painful to realize after corresponding with someone for awhile that their profile is fake and you have no idea who you have been talking to for the last few weeks.   Some fakes are very easy to spot.  I actually think they are bot, computer generated.  But some are very clever and can trick anyone.

I have become very clever at spotting fakes, so here some tip, s that I picked up along the way, on how to spot a fake online dating profile.  Please note this is my experience and, of course, there are exceptions.  I always rather be safe than sorry, so whenever in doubt I block the person.

  • First and foremost always Google the pictures and the content of the profile.  I cannot stress this one enough.  Often it leads you to discover that the picture is from a model and that the profile has been repeatedly used by scammers.  Even if they are legit it may lead to getting additional information on the person and confirming if what they are telling you is true. Facebook helps a lot.  There was this one guy that I was talking to that seemed very nice but when I saw his Facebook page I was shocked!  It was full of angry outbursts against government, religion, minorities, etc.  That was enough for me to realize that person was not for me.
  • Never, ever, give anyone you never met your address or other sensitive personal information.  The right man will not pressure you to do anything you are not comfortable doing.  If he keeps pressuring you for anything, then he is not for you.
  • Never, ever, send anyone money or gifts.  If a man needs to ask me for money or gifts he is not somebody I want to be dating and neither should you.

Watch out  for:

  • Profiles that are too short and  barely contains any information.  Not only signals a fake profile, but if the person didn’t bother providing any information it shows to me his level of interest in actually dating someone.
  • Profiles with no pictures.  I don’t want to have my pictures out there, but it is the price I must pay to do online dating, so I expect others to do the same.  Profiles with no pictures normally have something to hide.  In my experience most are married.
  • Profiles that mention an abundance of the following words: honesty, God-fearing, family-man, true romance, gentleman, old-fashioned, fairy-tale, dream-come-true, etc. There is something wrong with someone that needs to tell you over and over how honorable they are.
  • Profiles that are very long but they don’t contain any real information about the person.  They just go on and on about romances and fairy-tales. If you Google part of it you will probably find the same words in many different profiles, and often connected to Romance Scams.
  • He says he works in the Military/Government profession and is stationed overseas.  So far I have never come across a legit one.
  • He says that  that he works in the OIL/Gas Industry (I am in the OIl/Gas industry, so there are indeed exceptions)
  • He is working in the Middle East or some other country but will be returning soon.  When someone gives me that line I just say: contact me when you are back.
  • He is a widower, wife died of cancer and he is caring for their child alone (or some other sob story).  I did meet a widower that was real and a great person, but most often they are fake.
  • He never answers any question directly.  Doesn’t provide any real information about himself.  He either asks too many personal questions or does not ask anything.  He just goes on and on on how God-fearing and family man he is.
  • He wants to take the conversation off line and off the dating site right away.  On the first message he already sends his email and phone number and/or asks for yours. (see me sample below*)
  • It is a third party contacting you.  An employee, a cousin, father, etc. contacts you on how perfect you are for their relative, friend, etc. Not only is fake, but who would want someone that cannot contact you himself?
  • He says is stationed/working overseas, but will be retiring soon and  is deciding on the city they will move to.  If they like you they hint they can move to your town.  This one is just too creepy for me.
  • His writing seems awkward. Hard to explain, but once you read you realize this person’s first language in not English and in the meantime they are telling you they were born in the US and have lived here their entire lives.
  • He is full of praise and compliments on how amazing you are.  If someone never met me and on the first email he is telling me I am a dream come true I run, and they go on and on it makes me run.  I am amazing indeed but he never met me.  So he is either a scammer or he is telling everyone he corresponds with how wonderful they are.  In either case he is not for me.
  • If you suspect he is not who he says he is then suggest meeting for coffee right away (you don’t have to go through with it if he says yes).  But every time I did that I got stories of how he is travelling on business or had to travel because of a sick parent.

*This is a sample of a fake profile message that I just received:

How are you doing ? i am new on here and you seem to have a very lovely picture and i must say you look beautiful and i wish to get to know you more , what do you seek on here ? looking for a true and long lasting partner ? i want same .. please write me at me personal email ‘’ alexschmidtkoiln atgmail i would be glad to get a Mail from you and would be sure to write you back . Thank you 

To me online dating is great, but “buyer beware”!  I play it safe.  I do my research and homework before meeting someone in person.     I follow my instincts but I don’t take chances.  And you should do the same!

Remember: If it seems to good to be true, then it probably is!

and on this note I have to run.  Catching a flight later on to Brazil. I am going to see my family and bring my mother back for a little stay.

Please forgive the typos and grammar errors, there is not time for editing.

 

The Ballet and the bitch

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Inside David Koch Theatre

“You have to love dancing to stick to it. It gives you nothing back, no manuscripts to store away, no paintings to show on walls and maybe hang in museums, no poems to be printed and sold, nothing but that single fleeting moment when you feel alive.” – Merce Cunningham

My first time at a professional ballet performance was awesome!  The David Koch Theater at Lincoln Center was beautiful. The picture above is of one of the 2 huge sculptures from Elie Nadelman that sits in the promenade of the theater.

I loved the atmosphere! During intermission was a good time to people watch.  There were some people drinking champagne with strawberry while others were eating cookies, sandwiches and cookies.  There was a good variety of snacks for purchase.  Some people were dressed up in dresses and suits, while others were more casual. I wore black trousers with a turtleneck and a black sparkly jacket. I think I was well dressed without being too showy. I only had water ($5.00,including the $1 tip), even though the champagne was tempting, but I don’t like to drink alone.

My date, who is a classical musician was not sitting with me but playing with the orchestra, chose the perfect ballet for me to attend.

There were 3 different ballets, with intermissions after each.

My favorite was the first one called “Glass Pieces”.  The choreography was by Jerome Robbins and the music by Philip Glass.  You can see some of it here: http://www.nycballet.com/Ballets/G/Glass-Pieces.aspx

It was modern, energetic and profound.  I couldn’t take my eyes off of the dancers.  The music was just perfect. I felt energized and alive. I felt jolted in a good way.  I would love to see it again.  The beat of the music evoked attention and curiosity, as if something is about to happen or is already happening. I loved loved loved!

The other two pieces were also good but it had more of a taste of a Broadway show.

The second was a romantic ballet called “Thou Swell” http://www.nycballet.com/ballets/t/thou-swell.aspx

The third was very patriotic called “Stars and Stripes” http://www.nycballet.com/ballets/s/stars-and-stripes.aspx

A funny thing happened when I first arrived at my seat   As soon as I sat down the man next to me sneezed a couple of times.  I said God Bless You.  He, in turn, said: “It is your perfume” .  He said he was allergic to perfume.  I said:  “I am sorry, it must be very hard for you to be out in public and social situations”.  Then he went on to say that people don’t realize how much perfume they have on because they get used to the smell.  He also mentioned he would try to change seats. I wasn’t sure what to think as I don’t think I overuse perfume.   We ended up talking about the other things such as attending the ballet, which he mentioned he goes to every week and he called the performers “my babies”.  He never sneezed again, but after the first intermission he found another seat.   I didn’t let his comments bother me.

My date and I met for a delicious Chinese dinner before the performance.  Afterwards he wanted to go for drinks but it was late and I had to work the next day so I just wanted to get home.  We walked and talked for a few blocks then I took a cab to the train station.

He is an awesome guy.  A true gentleman.  But… there is always a but with me…  I just don’t know what I want.  I fear that I would be bored in the long run.  He is 57, I am 50 going on 25.  He may be too old for me.  I know that it is not nice to say that but it is how I feel.

“Do not sabotage your new relationship with your last relationship’s poison.” – Steve Maraboli

I also fear that if I keep going on dates with him I will be leading him on.  I mentioned all my doubts to him and he said I shouldn’t worry about leading him on and hurting him.

And so we continue… Last night we went to dinner and a movie.  I am ashamed to say, but I am being a bitch to this guy.  I wine, complain and roll my eyes at everything.  At first I blamed PMS, but by now that excuse no longer fits.  I feel I am testing him to see how much can he put up with.  But he is persistent, nothing seems to faze him. He says he can handle it (me).

Sometimes I think I test men.   Perhaps I want them to leave on their own accord, so that I don’t have to be the one sending them away.

Perhaps still what I like is the challenge and the chase.  I like going after what is impossible to get, the ones that don’t like me.  The moment I have it/him, the moment I get it, then it loses its attraction and I am on to the next thing/person.

Am I unconsciously sabotaging perfectly good relationships in the search of that nonexistent over romanticized fairy-tale?

Being aware is the first step in getting to the bottom of my actions and feelings and correcting them, or just embracing them.

I will be talking about the movie we saw on my next post.

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe