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A night at the Opera

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“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.”  – Eleanor Roosevelt

On Friday I was so excited to go to the opera that I left work early to have plenty of time to get ready for it.  After trying many dresses I settled on a sparkly navy lace dress that hugged my figure in all the right places.  My hair was soft curls and my makeup was simple as I don’t wear much of it.  I had black patent leather pumps that were 3 inches high. I would be doing some walking so I didn’t want to have on anything higher than that.  I looked pretty amazing if I do say so myself 🙂

P. had called the day before and we had agreed to meet there.  I got to the Metropolitan Opera House at Lincoln Center at 7:15pm.  He got there at 7:30.

Since I had already made peace with his lack of interest and had by now lost total interest on him, I was indifferent about seeing him again.  The opera was what I was really excited about.

The Metropolitan Opera house is magnificent.  From the lush red carpet to the crystal chandeliers the interior of the building is absolutely gorgeous.  It is worth a visit just to see it.

When he came in I was by the entrance on the phone with my sister.  I just smiled while saying good bye to her.  We then hugged and after the hellos and how are yous we decided to head to the bar and get drinks.  We had a delicious prosecco and some fun conversation.

He had on a tuxedo with no bow tie and black patent leather shoes that matched my black patent pumps. He looked good.

I was not going to address any of what had transpired but he brought it up.  While having the drinks and also during intermission we talked about how things had fallen apart after we were getting along so well.

“Discussion is impossible with someone who claims not to seek the truth, but already to possess it.” – Romain Rolland

He said he didn’t understand why I got upset that he couldn’t come to the city to see me since he was keeping in touch by still texting daily.  He said that I reminded him of his ex-wife.  He said that he couldn’t go on with a relationship if he had the fear of being dumped when  he couldn’t come see me or do something that was expected.

I said that I don’t want a texting relationship.  At this point I know that I have zero interest in a romantic relationship with him but still for whatever reason I was hoping he would understand where I was coming from.  I hate being labeled demanding when all I wanted was to see him and was not expecting anything else other than what he had promised.

I won’t bore anyone with the details of the conversation.  The bottom line is that we have agreed to disagree.  He thought it was perfect acceptable that we were not meeting because he was still texting.  I had a problem with him no making any effort to see me.  In the end he really didn’t have a good excuse other than saying that he was busy.

He also said that I could have driven to see him.  I reminded him that I had offered to do so and he double talked and never agreed to that.  He had no answer to that.

It was actually a good conversation where we both said what we wanted to and no one was disrespectful or confrontational.  Neither one f us was trying to convince the other of anything.  I appreciated that.  Just a stating our opinions, as both of us knew it.  I still think he doesn’t get it, and perhaps he thinks I don’t get it but we made the best of it.

I don’t think there is anything worst than being told that you remind someone of their Ex. I said to him is that if someone reminded me of an Ex I would run away and so should he.

Still we had a great time, we held hands, we even flirted, but I don’t think either one of us were under the illusion that we would go back to dating.

He asked me a couple of times if I wanted to go dinner after the show.  I agreed.  I was all dressed up on a Friday in New York City and I wanted to make the most of it.

“Be present in all things and thankful for all things.” – Maya Angelou

La Boheme itself was awesome.  Even though I had an idea what the story was all about I was grateful to have the subtitles and not miss anything.  The performers were incredible.  I also loved the atmosphere and watching the fashion show, some people dressed to the nines.  Still there were a lot people dressed more casual which I think it detracts from the experience.

La Boheme is an Italian opera by Giacomo Puccini.  It is the story of a very poor poet and his seamstress lover in Paris.  The story was written by Giuseppe Giacosa and Luigi Illica based on a book by Henry Murger.

The only other opera I have seen is Madam Butterfly, also by Puccini.  I enjoyed it very much and hope to see others.

After it ended we decided to walk around and find a restaurant since the restaurants right near it would be packed.  Unfortunately we found out that the city that never sleeps does sleep.   It was now 11:40pm and most restaurants we went into were already closing. I guess only Times Square suffers from insomnia.

We went into a mall called The Shops at Columbus Circle with some very nice restaurants but all restaurants were either already closed or closing.  Our final attempt was Serafina, but again it had closed at 11:30 so we just went across the street to a diner.  I had a grilled cheese with tomato and bacon something I haven’t had in a long time and it actually tasted really great.

Again we had some light conversation, flirting, joking, talking about the opera, etc. There was nothing awkward or bad about it.  There was also no plans to ever meet again, which was perfect.

From there I just jumped in a cab to get to Grand Central Station to get in my train home.  I said thank you for the evening and said good bye with a kiss on the cheek.

I didn’t text him to say that I arrived home okay.  He didn’t ask either.  I am not sure if I will hear from him again.  I am indifferent.  I am open to friendship but will not make any effort to start and nurture one at this point.  There is still something off and that is not being revealed.

I am glad I went. I had a great evening with no awkward moments.  No regrets!  I was living in the moment and it paid off.

“Life is a balanced system of learning and evolution. Whether pleasure or pain; every situation in your life serves a purpose. It is up to us to recognize what that purpose could be.” – Steve Maraboli

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Between online dating and homeless people I am becoming an expert at taking rejection

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“Love is not patronizing and charity isn’t about pity, it is about love. Charity and love are the same — with charity you give love, so don’t just give money but reach out your hand instead.”- Mother Teresa

As I was waiting for my café mocha at Starbucks I noticed a man sitting in a corner surrounded by old torn shopping bags. He was young but had the weathered look of somebody living on the streets. He was just sitting there with a vacant look. I saw no food or drink in front of him and wondered if he was hungry.

I stood there for a while watching and trying to make eye contact to see if it was safe to approach. He looked at me at a couple of times. I try to be careful while approaching people uninvited as I have been yelled at before. Nowadays it seems that there are a lot mentally ill people on the street.

After thinking to myself that it was safe to approach I did so. I asked him, while sitting down next to him, have you had coffee? He said he did.

Instead of getting up and leaving I insisted. Can I get you any breakfast? No, he said.

Again, getting up and leaving never came to mind. By this time I was thinking that instead of food he probably needed human contact and conversation so the following exchange took place:

Me: At least it is a nice warm day today. (Weather? Is that the best l I could come up with? Lame!!)
Him: Yes, it is.
Me: What is your name?
Him: Listen, I don’t need anything. I am fine. I don’t need you to get me anything. (he said that in a loud annoyed voice)

I was startled, shocked, speechless, and sad, so many emotions were going through me. I looked around to see the other people’s reaction but I saw none. If they noticed and heard it – and how could they have not being that he was so loud;  they made a point of ignoring it and pretending nothing happened.

I mumbled something like “I am sorry” and just sat there frozen in place.  My drink was still not ready, so I couldn’t just run away. Eventually I got up and stood next to the counter.

Finally my coffee arrived and I left. I still didn’t know how to feel as I walked to work.

Something I was told many years ago came to mind. In one of my trips back home to Brazil I went to a Shaman – a spiritual healer. I don’t remember everything he said, but one thing marked me and helped me a lot throughout the years. Clearly I needed a reminder today.

The Shaman said and I paraphrase: Why are you trying to be God? Why are you trying to fix people’s lives? If you take care of your own life that is good enough. Let people come to you and ask for help if they need it. Don’t go thinking you know exactly what they need, you don’t!

At that point in my life, and to this day still, I try to make the lives of my loved ones as easy as I can. I overdo it.  I am always the fixer, the peacemaker.

To this day I try to remember that when trying to help people that never asked for help. Clearly sometimes I fail. I will try my hardest to wait to be asked.

But you can bet your bottom dollar that this will not be the last time I get yelled at. I am sure at some point I will try again to push food and myself on somebody that just wants peace and quiet.

The lesson here?  I am still trying to figure that out, but some things come to mind:

  • Don’t ever assume anything.  Don’t assume you know somebody’s situation by the way they are dressed, by what they are carrying, by where they are, etc.
  • Don’t interfere/volunteer.  Don’t interfere in someone’s life unless they ask. Don’t volunteer advice, help, etc, unless you know for sure that is needed and welcomed.
  • Exercise caution when approaching a stranger.  This person could have been mentally ill and even have had a weapon.
  • Rejection is not the end of the world.  One survives and moves on.
  • Ask yourself why do you want to help.  Is it to make yourself feel better or is it to make somebody’s life or just that minute in their life better?  Does it make a difference? humm, that give me the idea for another post about intention and outcome.

*** Update:  The Opera is tomorrow and I am going! Le Boheme here I come!***

Wanting a boyfriend on this Valentine’s Day!

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“You may be lonely in St. Valentine’s Day, but you must know that love is like an air, it is everywhere! You shall find it in any day and anywhere!” – Mehmet Murat Ildan

I was talking to my sister about Valentine’s Day.  She just started living in the US this year so the concept of Valentine’s Day is new to her.  In Brazil we have Dia dos Namorados, which is often translated as Lover’s Day, but literally means Day of Boyfriend/Girlfriend.  It is on June 12 and it is meant only for people that are in a romantic relationship.

I said to her that I wanted to write a post about Valentine’s Day, but I didn’t want to write one of those posts about dating and loving yourself.  She said: Write about that.  Write about not wanting to write about that.

So here it is: I will not write about dating and loving myself on this Valentine’s Day. I feel it is somewhat expected that someone so positive and single like me would write something like that.

I don’t want to tout here that if you are single you should be loving and dating yourself today.  You should be loving yourself every day.  If you don’t, start now and every day going forward.  Don’t wait until Valentine’s Day to realize that you can have fun by yourself and treat yourself.

If you can’t first love yourself you will never be ready to love someone else and you will never attract good loving people into your life.

My truth is that I want a boyfriend and I wish I had one today and every day.

No, I am not depressed or feeling sad.  I am actually very happy with the way my life is right now.  Things are the way they are supposed to be.  I have to be and I am ok with not having a boyfriend at the moment because I know the right person will eventually come.  There is no need to rush things or to be with the wrong person.  Given a choice of alone or with the wrong person, I will take alone any day.

I love myself but I don’t want to date myself, especially on Valentine’s Day. I am not going to fool myself with special treats.  I don’t need that.  I already treat myself often.  I get myself flowers every week, I get massages, I get chocolates (too often), I go to dinners, etc, any time my heart desires. Yes, I do spoil myself.  I don’t deprive myself of anything I really want.

If I made a point of doing anything special today to me it would be a charade.   I don’t want to come up with some gimmicky ploy to feel better on Valentine’s Day.   It is what it is, and it is perfectly okay to be alone.

Being single is okay.  Being single and happy is great.  Being single, happy and wanting not to be single is okay too.   I much rather be in a loving relationship and celebrate it with that person than being single today and any other day.

My boyfriend for now is still a thought in my mind, a song in my heart, a twinkle in my eye, a rainbow in the sky.  He will come.  I have faith.  If he doesn’t it is okay but I will not sit here and pretend that today, of all days, I don’t wish he was already here.

On a second thought, how about going out of your way to send love to someone else that is alone today?

Thinking of love and the love that will eventually come I leave everyone with these awesome words by another one of my favorite poets:  Kahlil Gibran.

When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. And when
his wings enfold you, yield to him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.

Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; and then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor
would it be possessed, for love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, “God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am in the heart of God. And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy.
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

― Kahlil Gibran, Le Prophète

 

Walk with Me, mindfully

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“Waking up this morning, I smile. Twenty-four brand new hours are before me. I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.” Thich Nhat Hanh

I just watched “Walk With Me”, a documentary narrated by Benedict Cumberbatch.  I loved him in Sherlock Holmes, so it was interesting hearing his voice in a different setting.

The film centers around the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk that has written many books about mindfulness and peace. It shows glimpses of the lives  of the monks and nuns that live at Plum Village and dedicate their entire lives to mindfulness.

Plum Village is a Buddhist meditation center located in the South of France.  That is also where Thich Nhat Hanh lives and teaches. The center offers retreats and workshops for individuals and families.

If I had to choose only one word to describe the documentary, unfortunately,  that word would be “uneven”.  I was hoping for inspiring, deep, meaningful, life changing, mind altering, but unfortunately I think that I, once again, approached something with so much expectation that it left me disappointed.

It had great moments, but the moments seemed a bit disconnected.  I will not describe the moments I liked here so I do not spoil it for anyone intending to watch it. I do recommend it that people watch it as it does offer some moments of contemplation.

When the first few lines appeared on the screen it hit me, it spoke to my core.  I couldn’t help but to be filled with expectations:

“I know what it is to get angry, and I know the pleasure of being praised.
I am often on the verge of tears or laughter,
But beneath of these emotions, what else is there?
How can I touch it?
If there isn’t anything…
why would I be so certain that there is?

I searched it and found out that it is from his book “Fragrant Palm Leaves”.  It is based on his journals from 1962 through 1966.  I just ordered it and plan on devouring it as soon as I get it.

Back to the documentary, I expected a journey into mindfulness, but it seemed to have never picked up momentum. The train never really left the station for me.

Looking back, I don’t think I watched the documentary as mindful as I should have been.  I kept expecting a big aha moment.  I was not watching it in the moment, I was watching it expecting the next moment.  The next moment never came.

Perhaps that is the lesson that I should carry with me: less expectations.  Be in the moment, in the very moment.  Welcome the moment.  Have no expectations of that moment.   Let the moment wash over you as a fresh rain, take it in, get wet.

“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending.”  Thich Nhat Hanh

When things don’t go as planned

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What do I do when things don’t go according to plan?

“He that can have patience can have what he will.” – Benjamin Franklyn

What a difference a few days make.  When I started working on this post it was going to be a totally different post.  It was going to be about disappointment, feeling defeated and giving up.

Now, a few days removed from all the disappointment , I have a complete different view on the situation.

I was working on a side project at work that I was sure was going to be amazing.  This was not anything I had to do or part of my job, but it was something that I envisioned would make some functions more efficient at work.

I didn’t tell anyone I was working on this so I don’t have to explain or justify anything for anyone.  I think the reason I didn’t tell anyone was that I didn’t want someone to tell me I was reinventing the wheel.  What we have in place at work is working okay but one day some ideas popped into my mind that would make the process so much better.

I started working on it and put a lot time and energy into it. I enjoyed the creative process but what I enjoyed most was thinking that I was coming up with something that was going to be amazing.  I was focused on the results.

“It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things.” – Leonardo da Vinci

I was so sure that it would work!  I would have bet my life on it, that is how sure I was.

Then on January 31 I was able to put it in practice and… to my absolute dismay and shock… it failed.  It failed miserably!  I was crushed!  It was like I had been punched on the stomach.  I tried over and over again and still it failed.

I felt I wasted all my time and energy and had nothing to show for it.  All those hours dedicated to this project could have been put to better use: exercise, fun, learning something knew, sleeping.  I could have used that time to read more blogs and even to find and go on more dates.

I was down in the dumps. I was extremely disappointed. I was so defeated.  My sister got tired of hearing about it. So I stopped talking about it, but I was still thinking about it.

Then I asked myself: What do I do now?  I knew I couldn’t continue brooding and complaining.  I had 2 choices.  1) Give up, forget about it, move on or 2) Try again, look for a different route

The answer was clear:  Snap out of it, and try again!

After licking my wounds and allowing myself to be sad and disappointed for a while I chose to bounce back.

“Men go to far greater lengths to avoid what they fear than to obtain what they desire.”  – Dan Brown

I realize I am not a person that gives up at the first bump on the road.

I realize that I was looking at this momentary defeat completely wrong. This project didn’t fail.  The project is not over.  It did accomplished something.  It showed me a way that it does not work.  Now I just need to find a way to make it work.  I can use that valuable knowledge to tweak a few things and try again.  I am closer than ever to being successful.

I am however taking a break from it all now.  I am not allowing myself to look at it or try anything until a little time has gone by.  I want to go back to it with fresh eyes. Thinking back I see I was too narrow minded and looking at only one aspect of it.  I now see I missed some variables and I already have ideas of how to address those.

This is probably just a test of my determination and commitment level.  How much do I really want it?

At the end of the day it doesn’t matter if I told others about it or not.  I know about it.  At the end of the day I am the only one that counts.

I have all the ingredients required to succeed: desire, determination, commitment, drive and persistence.  There is no reason to give up or to fail.

“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.” – Peter F. Drucker

Should I go or should I stay?

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“It does not take much strength to do things, but it requires a great deal of strength to decide what to do.” – Elbert Hubbard

This morning I received a text from Peter.  If you have been following my dating misadventures you know he is the guy that was acting all interested about me and then all of a sudden just faded away.  You can look back to some previous post to get the whole picture.

Here is the text from this morning:

 

It is interesting that he seems to blame the fact that we stopped seeing each other on me.  If one is not aware of the facts it would seem the guy was doing his best and I was not understanding, when that is not the way it is at all.

This is a man that made all kinds of promises.  He said that he worked in the city a few times a week, and he also said he didn’t mind driving to come to my town to see me.  He also had plenty of chances to say that before.  What am I to think or do when he is not making an effort?  There is really only one conclusion:  He was not interested anymore.

Why can’t a man just say that he is not interested anymore?  Why must they play games and use flimsy excuses? Why can’t a person just say: I have changed my mind.  We were just getting to know each other so it is perfectly understandable if either one changes their mind after getting to know each other better.

I replied  to that text saying that I understood it and that I was glad he was okay. I don’t understand it but it is easier to accept than to go back and forth on a subject that no longer matters. It would feel like beating a dead horse…pointless!

He asked me the date of the Opera.  He got the tickets for February 16th so I am not sure why he thinks it is on February 12.  He emailed me the confirmation to print the tickets when he got them so he still has them and can check them himself.  Perhaps that is more game playing on his part.

Impulsive that I am I said I was still going with him, but I am now wondering if I should go.

A side of me says: Go, have fun, why not?  You want to see La Boheme, he had promised you that.  Why should you miss it?

Another side says:  He acted like an —hole, he is still acting like one.  You don’t need him to take you to the opera, you can buy your own tickets any time.  He doesn’t deserve your company and energy.

I have 12 days to decide what to do.  We shall see how I feel by then. So many things can change by then.

“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.” – E.E.Cummings

One thing I know for sure is that I don’t want anything with him romantically.  Now my doubt is if trying to have a friendship is a good idea or if some people are just not worth of the title of “friend”.

Forgiveness is a necessity not a luxury!

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“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” – Mahatma Gandhi

I was talking to a friend the other day and I was shocked at how bitter she still is over something that happened years ago.  She still foams at the mouth anytime she recounts the events.

There is no reason for her to be reliving the past other than hurt and to feel like a victim again.  I guess it feeds something in her, otherwise she wouldn’t be doing it.

I tried telling her to let it go, that holding anger in is only hurting herself.  It only keeps her in the past, not allowing her to move on.

She was not listening.  She said that I couldn’t possibly understand all she went through.  She forgets I do understand. I probably have gone through more, I just choose not to advertise and live in it like she does it.

She also starts talking about how she hopes that that person is suffering now.  There is nothing more unattractive and distasteful to me than vengeance. I don’t understand it.  I don’t see what someone gains with it.

I have stopped trying to reason with her.  Now I just listen when it is unavoidable, and change the subject as soon as possible.

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” – Steve Maraboli

Today my message is for her, but since she is not ready to receive perhaps somebody else is, and it also serves as a reminder for myself to look around and see if I am really being as forgiving as I like to think I am.

The harder something is to forgive the more you need to forgive and the freer you will feel when you do it.  Forgiving is a gift you give yourself.  It is not easy but it feels so good.

Is there someone or something in your past that still has a hold on you?  Is there someone that you still think about it and it gets you angry, sad, and overwhelmed every time?

I am one of those people that easily get mad but I am even quicker to forgive.  I consider that a gift.  Most of the time I don’t even remember I was ever mad to begin with.

I believe in redemption, but I also believe in keeping my spirit light without carrying around the baggage and burden of anger and rancor.

Still there are times that even for me is not that simple.  At those times I need help and I pray.

Many of you know that I started this blog out of the pain of a broken heart.  Several years ago I thought I had met Prince Charming and for 3 years he treated me like a Princess.  Then one day I found out he was cheating.  There was no working it out, he didn’t want to.  He just asked me to move out.  Not only was he a cheater he was also an extremely cold human being.

Having the rug pulled out from under me was one of the hardest things I had to go through.  I was calling my sister multiple times a day until one day she said she was worried about my sanity.  At that moment I realized that I had no right to drive anyone else crazy over that.  Instead of calling her I started putting my pain on paper and then on the web, thus this blog was born.

“Behind every beautiful thing, there’s some kind of pain.” – Bob Dylan

At that point I went through all the stages of grief, more than once, and anger was there also. It was a tough period in my life. So I prayed, I prayed and then I prayed some more.

There is one specific prayer that I used and use often.  I use it when someone angers me, hurts me, anytime I see sadness and resentment building up inside me.

I was blessed to have grown up attending Seicho-No-Ie teachings.  Their teachings are about the power of the mind and the power of positive thinking. I am being overly simplistic here so feel free to read more online.  Even though it has been many years since I have studied anything regarding their teachings it is a prayer that I learned there that I turn to time and time again.

Forgiveness Prayer.  (Where it says “you” I normally add the name of the person or event)

“I have forgiven you. You have forgiven me. I have forgiven you. You have forgiven me.
You and I are one in God.
I love you. You love me. I love you. You love me.
You and I are one in God.
I am grateful to you. You are grateful to me. I am grateful to you. You are grateful to me.
You and I are one in God.
There is now no longer any ill feeling between you and me.
I wish you ever increasing happiness in the days to come.”

+++++

“I have forgiven all of these people. I surround each and every one of these people with God’s love. In the same way that I surround every one of these people with God’s love, He too forgives my mistakes. He surrounds me with infinite love.”

+++++

“God forgives you. Therefore, I too forgive you.”

What also helps me it to look at the person as a teacher and at the event as a lesson, as a vessel for my betterment.  I can see now how each experience has made me stronger.  If were not for my Ex I would have never had started this blog and have never encountered so many amazing friends with amazing life stories.  For that alone I would get hurt all over again.  For that I thank him.

“The wound is the place where the light enters you” – Rumi

Also very important is to not forget to forgive ourselves.  We make mistakes, daily, little and big ones.  We say what we didn’t mean to, we gossip, we forget to be nice, etc.  We hurt others.

We need to forgive ourselves also for the part we play in hurting ourselves.   We choose the wrong person to trust, to love, and we get fooled and hurt.

Forgive yourself, you are human and flawed, but you also have a loving heart, a trusting soul, a gentle spirit.  Never admonish yourself for being open to love.  That is one of our greatest gifts, the ability to love.

I am going to open my heart many times, and many times I will feel like a fool.  Many more times I will get hurt and cry.  Still I am going to continue doing it, because not trusting and not loving is not living. And life is too precious a gift to waste.

Forgive, always! Forgive a person, forgive an event, forgive yourself, and move on!

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

 

Allusive, Elusive or Illusive

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“Words can be like X-rays if you use them properly — they’ll go through anything. You read and you’re pierced.”  – Aldous Huxley, Brave New World

Any time an online dating profile makes me go look at a dictionary that is a person that I would like to date.

One of the ways to my heart is definitely through my mind. Intelligence is so attractive.  A way with words is so alluring.  I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I am a sapiosexual.  That is a fairly new term to explain people that are sexually attracted to intelligent people.

I am attracted to the whole package:  smart, funny, inquisitive, among other things.

But if I had to pick just one thing to which to assess a partner, I would choose: The KISS.

That may strike people as funny considering how last short lived romantic interest scored very poorly in that department and I was still interested in him.  Just blame my hopeful self.  I thought I could teach him how to use his tongue.

Thinking back, fresh out of that almost relationship, I realized that I cannot betray the things that are important to me.  Kissing is a big deal to me.  If P. had I tongue I never found out. Unacceptable!!

Do I rather have someone with a way with words or a way with his tongue?

Now I am getting off the point of this post.  Let’s go back to vocabulary before things here gets x-rated.  The post today is not about kissing but about the beauty of words and their meanings.

“I turned silences and nights into words. What was unutterable, I wrote down. I made the whirling world stand still.” – Arthur Rimbaud

This one profile I saw today had the word illusive in it.  The way he used made me think of elusive, which is a word I use a lot.  Then allusive came to mind and I just had to run to the dictionary and get a clear explanation of their meanings.

Here is how the Merriam Webster Dictionary defines these 3 words:

Allusive:

1an implied or indirect reference especially in literature

  • a poem that makes allusions to classical literature ; also the use of such references

2the act of making an indirect reference to something: the act of alluding to something

Elusive:

tending to  elude: such as

tending to evade grasp or pursuit ; elusive prey

hard to comprehend or define

hard to isolate or identify

Illusive:

: illusory  –

 based on or producing illusion: deceptive

Even though the writer of this profile was not a match for me I wrote him a quick note complimenting him on his well-written profile.  It was so entertaining, deep, smart and funny.  I wish I had written.

I challenged myself to write a sentence using those 3 words.  Here is the result:

My last love interest often alluded to his considerable wealth and our bright future; then he became as elusive as my goal of losing 10 pounds; leading me to conclude that his interest was illusory.

Not sure I have been successful with that sentence, but one thing is certain I aim to improve.  I will add English vocabulary to my French and Latin studies.

“Everybody has talent, but ability takes hard work.” – Michael Jordan

Sisterly love, twin style

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“You may be as different as the sun and the moon, but the same blood flows through both your hearts. You need her, as she needs you…”  – George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

Today at 5am I was at JFK airport waiting for my twin sister.  She was here for a few months last year.  At that time we had another friend here, and then my mother, so she was mostly involved in running around with our friend and then being with my mother. Now she is back here to decide if she wants to live here or not.

We shall see what the future holds for her.  I want her to follow her heart and choose what is good for her.

A sister is a built-in best friend, or it should be.  We are extremely close but also extremely critical of each other.  Last year it was the first time we have lived together since we were 17 years old.  It was not all fun and games, but it was not bad either.   It takes some adjustment to live with someone after being alone for several years.  Throw in 2 very strong personalities, add the fact that we are identical twins and you have a balancing act.

I plan on using this time while she is here, however long it last, to grow our friendship in a positive way.  We would kill for each other, but still the tiniest of issue gets us to be annoyed at each other and things to get blown out of proportion.  Loving each other is not the issue, the issue is respecting each other.  The issue is being okay with disagreeing.  We both need to stop thinking that we know what is best for the other, and in general and allow room and space for errors.

All I can do is try, but with all my heart.  I will try more and better than before.  What if I fail?  There is no failing, there is only trying, and when that fails then trying some more.

I am going for:

  • No reaction and no over-reaction.  Stop. Do nothing for awhile.
  • Put myself in her shoes, and see how it feels before judging, before criticizing
  • Listen with love, talk with love, act out of love

While she is here I plan on getting out more and doing a variety of things. There is so much in New York to see and do so we plan we on doing some of it.  When she was here last year we did most of the usual sightseeing so now we will probably go off the beaten path.

So much culture, so much adventure, so much living and loving to do, I have to hurry up.

Wishing you all a blessed week ahead!

oh, and just a thought:  You know that relative, or that friend that you love but that for some reason or another it is easier to be apart and silent? Yes, that one!  Give him or her a call, or meet for coffee.  You don’t have to hash out all the issues at once.  Actually sometimes is better to just let go of the issues of the past and start fresh.  You can slowly rebuild the friendship.  When there is love anything is possible.

On Friendship  –  Kahlil Gibran

Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the “nay” in your own mind, nor do you withhold the “ay.”
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

Not just surviving, but thriving while online dating

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“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.”  – William Shakespeare

I have been online dating on and off for the past 5 years.  For some reason I don’t hate it like so many people do.  I take the good with the bad and I amused by the entertainment.

Even though I want the fairy-tale and I will not give up until I get it, I realize that most often is not Prince Charming I meet.  I meet the frog, I meet the Pumpkin, the clown, and they are all teachers.    So I learn, laugh and keep on going.

I want to write some of what helps me held myself together and not lose my mind at some of the more disappointing side of these online interactions.

I also have to point out that I have had many good men online.  Some have become a friend and for that I am so grateful.  There are men just like you and I at these sites.  People that have been hurt before, people that want to find love and companionship, people with good hearts and high morals.  Knowing that keeps me going.

This is my list of the requirement necessary to be able to survive online, as I see it.  Minor scratches are inevitable, but we shouldn’t be left scarred by the experience.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” – Stephen Chbosky

You need to:

  • Love yourself first.  Value and appreciate yourself. Have so much love for yourself that no one and nothing can make you value yourself any less. Don’t accept any less.
  • Be able to take rejection.  If hearing a NO, if being ignored, will leave you feeling useless online dating is not for you.  To me each rejection is a favor, is a blessing, is the Universe removing someone that wouldn’t be good for me.
  • Listen to you intuition/gut.  If something feels weird, don’t ignore it, run.  I am all for giving people the benefit of the doubt, but your safety and sanity are the most important things here.  When in doubt cut all ties and move on.
  • Know yourself and your limits.  Know what you want and what you are willing to put up with. Don’t be confused about your needs and wants.  You cannot receive what you don’t know you need/want.
  • Be clear.  Avoid miscommunication at all costs.  When in doubt, ask.  Never assume you guys are in the same page.  Don’t be wishy-washy.
  • Know your comfort level/ Learn how to say no.  If you are only comfortable in exchanging emails and not talking on the phone, then do that.  Don’t get talked into doing something you don’t want.  If someone is not willing to work with your comfort level then they are not for you. I have had many guys not willing to meet me because I was not willing to give my phone number before meeting.  I never regret respecting my comfort level.  And my comfort level changes depending on the person.  I respect that also.
  • Let go of the need to know and to have answers.  I used to want answers.  I wanted to know why someone behaved a certain way towards me.  Why was someone mean and hurtful? I would spend nights awake thinking of what I did wrong.  Knowing what caused somebody to behave a certain doesn’t change the fact that they did. Be okay with just not knowing.
  • Know when is the time to let go and move on.  I have held on to bad guys for much longer than necessary. I would hope that things would get better, that they would change.  Instead I got to see more of the same behavior, I grew more disappointed and frustrated.  Don’t throw good energy, time and love in people that are not making the same effort. Cut your losses and move on.
  • Grow a think skin.  I have been called names, all kinds of names, names that I would never repeat or write here.  I have been called names for no reason, for perhaps not behaving in the way they wanted, for sticking to my principals, who knows why.  The point is that it no longer bothers me.  Why should I take into account the opinion of someone that doesn’t even know me.  I know my actions are in line with my heart and moral, nothing else matters.
  • Be kind to others.  Always treat others with kindness.  I never stoop to anybody’s level. As Michelle Obama once said:  “When they go low, we go high”.  I put myself in their place.  Perhaps they are so damaged and hurt that they don’t know any other way, but to attack.
  • Take compliments with a grain of salt.  The same way you shouldn’t let insults bother you, don’t let compliments go to your head.  This last guy I dated showered me with compliments.  He said he couldn’t believe that I chose to even reply to his email.  He would look at my face and say he was mesmerized by my beauty.  It is hard no to fall for that, but do not let that blind you to everything that is going on at the same time.
  • Be kind to yourself. Don’t chastise yourself if something didn’t go well and it was your fault.  Perhaps you haven’t been so nice to someone, perhaps you had a bad day and gave someone a mean answer, perhaps you assumed the worst about someone and turned out to be wrong.  Whatever it is, just say sorry, forgive yourself and move on.
  • Never ever make excuses or be sorry for wanting what you want.  You have this precious gift of life.  It is your right to choose who you want to share with.  You don’t need a good reason or explanation why you want or don’t want someone.  Someone may seem perfect, but perhaps he is not perfect for you.

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe

I could go on and on…yes you know I could :-), but this is a good start.  Also if you are starting out online dating take a look at this post I wrote awhile back:

https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2016/10/27/how-to-spot-a-fake-dating-profile/

Please be safe!  Even when you think you know someone you really don’t know. Safeguard your heart, your sanity, and most important your physical body.

It seems that every other profile I see lately is some kind of scam.  It try to report them all.  I am considering approaching dating sites and asking to be paid for making their site safer.  I should get a fee for each scam profile I report.

How wonderful would be to have a guy sing me Lady.  How wonderful is Kenny Rogers and Lionel Richie together?

This is my weekend mood:

HAPPY SAFE DATING!  HAVE A BLESSED WEEKEND YOU ALL!!