Dating, mom, mechanic and gratitude, just a couple of weeks in my life!

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As usual I started many posts and never finished/published them. By now they have lost their freshness and significance. They are pretty much old news.  But still I want to record it here and make sure you don’t miss anything🙂

“You must be able to say “I understand,” before you can say “I agree,” or “I disagree,” or “I suspend judgment.” – Mortimer J. Adler

Dating: The classical musician I was dating was insistent on meeting my mother. I explained to him the reasons why he would not meet her.  I mentioned that we barely know each other.  But chief among my reasons was my fear that he would think that the relationship was more serious then what it was.

Guess what? By now we are no longer speaking. We had a misunderstanding over texts and things are pretty much over. I didn’t like his negativity when I shared some bad news and I let him know. I wouldn’t mind have him as a friend but if I reach out now he may think I am interested in more so I am leaving things alone. I was already unsure of my feelings so why insist on something that my heart is not in it in the first place? I was terrified of hurting him so it is better this way.  He is an awesome guy so I pray he finds someone nice out there.

On Sunday I went to dinner with a 46 year old school counselor and we got along great.  We are going out again this week.  He considered Sunday a meet and greet and not a first date.  To me, if there is plenty of food and drinks, and you spend hours together it is a date. We are talking about taking dance lessons together even if we don’t make it romantically. We shall see.

“My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her.” – George Washington

Mom’s visit: I started writing about the joys and hardships of having mom visiting for a month. We get to spend quality time together. Each time I get to discover something new about her childhood and younger days.  We have fun going shopping and going to the casino. She enjoys making my favorite meals and coming up with new desserts.

But our relationship can be trying sometimes as I cannot really say all I am thinking because she cannot handle it.  She is 82, from a different time and culture. If I haven’t challenged her by now, now that she is older I am not about to start.

By now I am writing about the bitter sweetness (she left on Saturday) of her leaving. Sad to see her go but happy to return to my routine. When she is here I make her a priority and everything else takes a back seat. Also she loves to cook and bake and now I have an extra 10 pounds to get rid of now.

Now I am thinking about taking mom to Israel again as she can’t stop talking about returning there. And there is nothing that pleases me more than making my mom happy.

“That’s the thing about being a victim; you start to think it’ll happen to you on a regular basis. It’s living with the reality of your own vulnerability, and it sucks.” – Dennis Lehane

Car troubles: My car was at the mechanics for the third straight time. Any time something breaks, especially my car, I feel vulnerable. I feel powerless and at someone’s else mercy.  This is a feeling I hate. I don’t have the tools to know if what a worker is telling me is correct.

By now I have my car back, but because it has been in the mechanics for the same problem a couple of times I now struggle with trusting that the problem has been corrected 100%. Every time I put the key in the ignition I am afraid it will not start.

Now I am deciding which car to buy and what to do with this one. I don’t want to sell it as I already invested too much money in it. It is a classic and I hope that the longer I keep I can eventually recover the money I put in it. I also need to find an extra parking or storage space.

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”  – Epicurus

Thanksgiving:  And of course Thanksgiving has come and gone, but gratitude should stay forever.  I am grateful for the for family, friends, job, health, opportunities, for this blog and for you!

I decided to try to be even more grateful than what I already am.  I am being vigilant about it.  I am paying attention to every breath, every little thing, good and even the bad ones.

It is easy to be grateful for the good and fun. To be grateful for the bad things it takes effort.  It takes the ability to believe that nothing is bad.  Everything is for the better and for the greater good.

It takes blind faith.

Being grateful goes hand in hand with being positive and faithful.  Being grateful is not a function of how much one has, being grateful is realizing that whatever you have is in itself a blessing.

Problems are lessons and opportunities.  Even tragedies have a way of uncovering miracles and revealing the best in people.

I plan on uncovering and revealing every little morsel of blessing I see.

Some people deserve no chances

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clueless-text

The above are texts that I received from the man from my last post: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2016/11/18/is-anyone-deserving-of-a-3rd-4th-5th-chance/

The first text is when he sent me the email I talked about in that post.  The second one I received last night, after not replying to his text or email.

I was shocked to get such a text. He is clearly not the person I once thought he was. Why would he write such a text? What makes him think that such a text is okay?  We had one date!  We have never held hands, kissed, anything.

I am so disgusted by this text.  I even feel like changing my phone number.  I hope I don’t have to.  I hope I won’t ever hear from him again.

At the end of the day this episode shows me:

  1.  I have to stop being so trusting and always expecting the best of people.  I have to be even more cautious. Not everyone deserves a second or more chances.  Don’t give people a chance to continue failing you and hurting you!
  2. Sometimes we have to forgo niceties.  No everyone is deserving of politeness.  If being nice puts you in an awkward situation or sends someone the wrong message, don’t be nice! Put yourself first!
  3. When people show you who they are by the way they act, believe them!  Don’t get fooled by pretty words and empty promises.  Talk is cheap.  Believe actions!

I am so happy I followed my gut and everyone’s advice and never replied.  I was really tempted to write a nice polite email back.  Thank you all for helping me make the right decision.

“If you’re betrayed, release disappointment at once.
By that way, the bitterness has no time to take root.”
― Toba Beta

Is anyone deserving of a 3rd, 4th, 5th chance?

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Out of the blue I receive a text from a man I had a date in the past.

He was telling me that he sent me an email and was eagerly waiting my reply.  Here is the email:

“Hello. I hope this e mail finds you well and getting ready for the holidays.

I’ve been thinking of you a lot these past few months, and came across our first e mail exchange. It brought back some memories, like that of our first date. Its hard (or not hard) to believe it was more than two years ago.

I realized, too, that we never got too far because I was not focused, nor ready to have you in my life.

Even more recently, I know I made contact with you but did not follow through. I know that made you angry and after I did not follow through with the planning of our date, you asked me not to contact you again.

After giving it a lot of thought, I want you to know that I have NOT EVER forgotten about you, was always extremely interested in you, and wanted you in my life. I still feel the same.

Ana, I want to see you again, see you regularly and see where we can take a relationship. I was unable previously to focus on you because I had not yet ended a relationship that wasn’t good, and needed to be ended, but lingered. I have also made some changes or modifications to my work life so I can have more leisure time, and also my business is now focused in Westchester County (where I believe you live still, New Rochelle?).

Ana, I come to you not knowing what is happening in your personal life-perhaps you’re married now, or whatever, but either way, I was not going to forgo contacting you to ask that you allow me to pursue you (court you? perhaps that’s better) again.

I know its short notice, but I have appointments in Westchester tomorrow and I would like to ask you if you would like to meet me for dinner. I have attached a picture of myself to jog your memory, but if you read the e mail threads, who I was (am) should come back to you.

I look forward to your response and hope it is a positive one. I might hope, too, that you are happy I came back to attempt to be in your life…

I realize I missed a great opportunity with you, Ana, and I would like to reclaim it, as well as a place in your heart.

Respectfully, Paul”

I am always willing to give people extra chances, but in this case I am just not willing to try again.  He has asked for chances before and has never followed through with his promises.

I canceled our first date.  After many email exchanges we were eager to meet each other, or so I thought.  On the afternoon of the date he says he can meet at 7 in a restaurant downtown (I am in Midtown).  He says he has a meeting there at 6 that ends at 7 and then he has a haircut at 8.  So he can meet me from 7 to 8.

I was shocked and told him that I didn’t appreciate being sandwiched between appointments.  Also he should have taken into account my location and he should be getting a haircut to meet me.  He offered to cancel the hair appointment and meet me Midtown, I declined.  The deed was done, and the moment was gone for me.

I am not sure how many times he canceled on me until we finally met.  And on that instance he was 30 minutes late.  I was about to leave.  The date was pleasant.  After that we had another date that he canceled because he had to take his dog to the vet.

I am not sure what happened after that, but I knew this was a person that I could not count on, and since he couldn’t be free for dates things fizzled.

I remembered he asking me to dinner a prior time when he was in my neck of woods and I ignored. And this time again it seems he is asking simply out of convenience, since he will be in Westchester anyway.

I don’t want to be convenient.  I want a man to go out of the way for me.

Although he was an interesting person and we had lots to talk about this is one time where I think that I should just let go and consider tried and done.

But here is my question:  Do I reply and say Thanks, but no thanks or do I just ignore it? Even though I want to treat people how I want to be treated which is I always want to be acknowledge and not ignored;  in this case I think I will choose silence.

“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.” -Tupac Shakur

 

Trump! Now What?

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america

“Do you want to know who you are? Don’t ask. Act! Action will delineate and define you.” -Thomas Jefferson

I fought for my vote yesterday.  I had not changed my address since I last moved, but I knew that I would still be able to vote as I had moved within in the same county.  I printed the law reference and description and brought it with me.  It came in handy as I was originally turned away.  I had to point out the law and explain it (scary to see the misinformation of the people working there ).  I was finally allowed to vote via affidavit.  I wanted to make my voice heard and not sit idly by.

I felt proud to do my part.  My vote for Hilary was not really a vote for Hillary but a vote against Trump.  I never cared for Hillary but I felt I had no choice.  I could never support a loose cannon, a power hungry, egomaniac bully that thinks he has all the answers and is better than everyone else.

When the election results started coming in my mood started growing somber.  I decided to just to go to bed.  I had a doomed feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I was hoping for the best but deep down inside I knew things were not going to go as I had hoped.

“I know in my heart that man is good, that what is right will always eventually triumph, and there is purpose and worth to each and every life.”  – Ronald Reagan

I woke up at 4am (I have been waking up at 4 since I returned from Brazil) and I had texts from the musician (my date from a previous post) pronouncing his dismay. I tried to go back to sleep immediately in the hopes that this was just a bad dream.

I couldn’t.  I couldn’t stop my mind from thinking, from fearing, from predicting doom.  I couldn’t get the sadness out of my heart.

I am stunned! What happened?  How can a bully win as the president of the USA? What will be the future of the land of opportunity? How can I still be a proud American?

I hate to compare it but I feel like I felt when Brazil lost 1-7 to Germany at the World Cup.  This feels upside-down, absolutely wrong!  It is incomprehensible!  There is no world order!  While that was just a game that tucked at my heart strings; this is the future of a country, and I dare say the world, something not to joke about it.

“Let us never negotiate out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate.” – john F. Kennedy

I am always so positive and can find a silver lining in anything and here I am, empty, grasping at straws!

I want to believe that out of great tragedies there will come great miracles. Perhaps there will be more unification against the fear of separation.  Perhaps there will be more love against the fear of rampant hate.

I hope, I believe, I pray!

Can a bully grow a heart?

Can the power hungry be fair?

Can an egomaniac think of others before himself?

Can the proud find humility in his heart?

Can he see and treat woman as equals?

Can he learn to listen to advice?

Can he respect opinions?

Can he be a good neighbor?

“I hope I shall possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain what I consider the most enviable of all titles, the character of an honest man.” -George Washington

Some times when I am watching a movie and at the end, well, there is no ending, I just sit there refusing to leave, dumbfounded that I was forced to sit through 2 hours and get no ending.  This is how I feel.  I don’t want to get up and accept that this is it! I want an ending.  I want a happy ending.

The US is starting to look like Brazil and I don’t mean the good stuff, warm hearts, friendly people, party atmosphere. I mean the upside politics, the powerlessness feeling of people, the doom and gloom of an uncertain future!

It is humbling and depressing!  A time to reevaluate, to act, to do!

May we unite and not divide!  We have a new president and may he be blessed with wisdom! May his be a government of fairness, justice, equality, progress, unification, love and respect!

Miracles do happen! Lets believe together! Peace First, Peace Always!

“Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don’t have the strength.”  – Theodore Roosevelt

eagle

images from Google images

How to spot a fake dating profile

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I often hear stories of women who lost a lot money on romance scams.  It is hard to understand how can someone start sending money to a person they never met.  I blame loneliness.  Some people are starving for a connection, others are starving to feel needed or loved.  That combined with how clever some con-artists are and all of a sudden you find yourself wiring money.  Don’t be fooled!

It is painful to realize after corresponding with someone for awhile that their profile is fake and you have no idea who you have been talking to for the last few weeks.   Some fakes are very easy to spot.  I actually think they are bot, computer generated.  But some are very clever and can trick anyone.

I have become very clever at spotting fakes, so here some tip, s that I picked up along the way, on how to spot a fake online dating profile.  Please note this is my experience and, of course, there are exceptions.  I always rather be safe than sorry, so whenever in doubt I block the person.

  • First and foremost always Google the pictures and the content of the profile.  I cannot stress this one enough.  Often it leads you to discover that the picture is from a model and that the profile has been repeatedly used by scammers.  Even if they are legit it may lead to getting additional information on the person and confirming if what they are telling you is true. Facebook helps a lot.  There was this one guy that I was talking to that seemed very nice but when I saw his Facebook page I was shocked!  It was full of angry outbursts against government, religion, minorities, etc.  That was enough for me to realize that person was not for me.
  • Never, ever, give anyone you never met your address or other sensitive personal information.  The right man will not pressure you to do anything you are not comfortable doing.  If he keeps pressuring you for anything, then he is not for you.
  • Never, ever, send anyone money or gifts.  If a man needs to ask me for money or gifts he is not somebody I want to be dating and neither should you.

Watch out  for:

  • Profiles that are too short and  barely contains any information.  Not only signals a fake profile, but if the person didn’t bother providing any information it shows to me his level of interest in actually dating someone.
  • Profiles with no pictures.  I don’t want to have my pictures out there, but it is the price I must pay to do online dating, so I expect others to do the same.  Profiles with no pictures normally have something to hide.  In my experience most are married.
  • Profiles that mention an abundance of the following words: honesty, God-fearing, family-man, true romance, gentleman, old-fashioned, fairy-tale, dream-come-true, etc. There is something wrong with someone that needs to tell you over and over how honorable they are.
  • Profiles that are very long but they don’t contain any real information about the person.  They just go on and on about romances and fairy-tales. If you Google part of it you will probably find the same words in many different profiles, and often connected to Romance Scams.
  • He says he works in the Military/Government profession and is stationed overseas.  So far I have never come across a legit one.
  • He says that  that he works in the OIL/Gas Industry (I am in the OIl/Gas industry, so there are indeed exceptions)
  • He is working in the Middle East or some other country but will be returning soon.  When someone gives me that line I just say: contact me when you are back.
  • He is a widower, wife died of cancer and he is caring for their child alone (or some other sob story).  I did meet a widower that was real and a great person, but most often they are fake.
  • He never answers any question directly.  Doesn’t provide any real information about himself.  He either asks too many personal questions or does not ask anything.  He just goes on and on on how God-fearing and family man he is.
  • He wants to take the conversation off line and off the dating site right away.  On the first message he already sends his email and phone number and/or asks for yours. (see me sample below*)
  • It is a third party contacting you.  An employee, a cousin, father, etc. contacts you on how perfect you are for their relative, friend, etc. Not only is fake, but who would want someone that cannot contact you himself?
  • He says is stationed/working overseas, but will be retiring soon and  is deciding on the city they will move to.  If they like you they hint they can move to your town.  This one is just too creepy for me.
  • His writing seems awkward. Hard to explain, but once you read you realize this person’s first language in not English and in the meantime they are telling you they were born in the US and have lived here their entire lives.
  • He is full of praise and compliments on how amazing you are.  If someone never met me and on the first email he is telling me I am a dream come true I run, and they go on and on it makes me run.  I am amazing indeed but he never met me.  So he is either a scammer or he is telling everyone he corresponds with how wonderful they are.  In either case he is not for me.
  • If you suspect he is not who he says he is then suggest meeting for coffee right away (you don’t have to go through with it if he says yes).  But every time I did that I got stories of how he is travelling on business or had to travel because of a sick parent.

*This is a sample of a fake profile message that I just received:

How are you doing ? i am new on here and you seem to have a very lovely picture and i must say you look beautiful and i wish to get to know you more , what do you seek on here ? looking for a true and long lasting partner ? i want same .. please write me at me personal email ‘’ alexschmidtkoiln atgmail i would be glad to get a Mail from you and would be sure to write you back . Thank you 

To me online dating is great, but “buyer beware”!  I play it safe.  I do my research and homework before meeting someone in person.     I follow my instincts but I don’t take chances.  And you should do the same!

Remember: If it seems to good to be true, then it probably is!

and on this note I have to run.  Catching a flight later on to Brazil. I am going to see my family and bring my mother back for a little stay.

Please forgive the typos and grammar errors, there is not time for editing.

 

The Ballet and the bitch

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Inside David Koch Theatre

“You have to love dancing to stick to it. It gives you nothing back, no manuscripts to store away, no paintings to show on walls and maybe hang in museums, no poems to be printed and sold, nothing but that single fleeting moment when you feel alive.” – Merce Cunningham

My first time at a professional ballet performance was awesome!  The David Koch Theater at Lincoln Center was beautiful. The picture above is of one of the 2 huge sculptures from Elie Nadelman that sits in the promenade of the theater.

I loved the atmosphere! During intermission was a good time to people watch.  There were some people drinking champagne with strawberry while others were eating cookies, sandwiches and cookies.  There was a good variety of snacks for purchase.  Some people were dressed up in dresses and suits, while others were more casual. I wore black trousers with a turtleneck and a black sparkly jacket. I think I was well dressed without being too showy. I only had water ($5.00,including the $1 tip), even though the champagne was tempting, but I don’t like to drink alone.

My date, who is a classical musician was not sitting with me but playing with the orchestra, chose the perfect ballet for me to attend.

There were 3 different ballets, with intermissions after each.

My favorite was the first one called “Glass Pieces”.  The choreography was by Jerome Robbins and the music by Philip Glass.  You can see some of it here: http://www.nycballet.com/Ballets/G/Glass-Pieces.aspx

It was modern, energetic and profound.  I couldn’t take my eyes off of the dancers.  The music was just perfect. I felt energized and alive. I felt jolted in a good way.  I would love to see it again.  The beat of the music evoked attention and curiosity, as if something is about to happen or is already happening. I loved loved loved!

The other two pieces were also good but it had more of a taste of a Broadway show.

The second was a romantic ballet called “Thou Swell” http://www.nycballet.com/ballets/t/thou-swell.aspx

The third was very patriotic called “Stars and Stripes” http://www.nycballet.com/ballets/s/stars-and-stripes.aspx

A funny thing happened when I first arrived at my seat   As soon as I sat down the man next to me sneezed a couple of times.  I said God Bless You.  He, in turn, said: “It is your perfume” .  He said he was allergic to perfume.  I said:  “I am sorry, it must be very hard for you to be out in public and social situations”.  Then he went on to say that people don’t realize how much perfume they have on because they get used to the smell.  He also mentioned he would try to change seats. I wasn’t sure what to think as I don’t think I overuse perfume.   We ended up talking about the other things such as attending the ballet, which he mentioned he goes to every week and he called the performers “my babies”.  He never sneezed again, but after the first intermission he found another seat.   I didn’t let his comments bother me.

My date and I met for a delicious Chinese dinner before the performance.  Afterwards he wanted to go for drinks but it was late and I had to work the next day so I just wanted to get home.  We walked and talked for a few blocks then I took a cab to the train station.

He is an awesome guy.  A true gentleman.  But… there is always a but with me…  I just don’t know what I want.  I fear that I would be bored in the long run.  He is 57, I am 50 going on 25.  He may be too old for me.  I know that it is not nice to say that but it is how I feel.

“Do not sabotage your new relationship with your last relationship’s poison.” – Steve Maraboli

I also fear that if I keep going on dates with him I will be leading him on.  I mentioned all my doubts to him and he said I shouldn’t worry about leading him on and hurting him.

And so we continue… Last night we went to dinner and a movie.  I am ashamed to say, but I am being a bitch to this guy.  I wine, complain and roll my eyes at everything.  At first I blamed PMS, but by now that excuse no longer fits.  I feel I am testing him to see how much can he put up with.  But he is persistent, nothing seems to faze him. He says he can handle it (me).

Sometimes I think I test men.   Perhaps I want them to leave on their own accord, so that I don’t have to be the one sending them away.

Perhaps still what I like is the challenge and the chase.  I like going after what is impossible to get, the ones that don’t like me.  The moment I have it/him, the moment I get it, then it loses its attraction and I am on to the next thing/person.

Am I unconsciously sabotaging perfectly good relationships in the search of that nonexistent over romanticized fairy-tale?

Being aware is the first step in getting to the bottom of my actions and feelings and correcting them, or just embracing them.

I will be talking about the movie we saw on my next post.

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe

 

What to wear to the ballet?

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“You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestation of your own blessings.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

I am trying to get back to my routine after my brother’s visit is over.  It is fun having guests but it is hard on my eating habits and exercise routine as I tend to indulge on everything my guests do or don’t do.  After they leave it takes me awhile to get back to my normal.

As a result I have accumulated some extras pounds.  I am not a fan of diets.  I think losing weight is easy, maintaining it is the real hurdle.  Also I cannot deal with feeling deprived.  If I resolve not to eat an item, that is all I crave.

I need to return to better eating habits.  Whatever I want whenever I want is translating into excess weight.  Chocolates, bread, cookies, ice cream on a daily basis is hardly a good diet.

I cannot blame it all on guests being here for 2 weeks.  A lot of my eating habits have to do with the way I handle stress.  I run to sugar. I am a big emotional eater.  I am sad I eat, I am happy I eat!

Anyway, I am not going to spend too much time beating a dead horse.  I need to change and soon! Admitting I have a problem is the first step.  I have a problem!  But who am I kidding?  I have already admitted I have a problem a long time ago.  Now it is time for action!

Speaking of stress, it is never ending lately.  Actually problems and challenges are a necessary part of life.  I just need to get better at handling them. It is indeed not what happens to me but how I react to it.

“If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.” -Amit Ray

Right now some of issues I am dealing with:

1. Broken car. My 29 year old car wouldn’t start. While I am at work now I have a tow truck coming to tow it to the mechanic. It feels weird letting that happen while I am not there. Remember I am a control freak.  I feel that I have a decision to make when it comes to this car.  It is a classic, but every time it needs repair it is extremely expensive since parts are not easily available.

2. Again there are issues with one of my rental apartments.  The problem now is with the cooling/heating system. There comes another repair bill.  Next year around July, when the contract with the tenant is over,  please remind me that I said I was going to sell that place.  Hit me if you have to!

3.  Meetings with immigration attorney to finalize my sister’s green card.  This process seems endless and the documentation required can be overwhelming.  There is also not so minor detail that finally after 32 years my identical twin sister and I will be dividing the same roof.   Even though we would die for each other,  if we are together for long we tend to become overcritical of each other.  That is how love is sometimes, you want the other person be the best that they can be and you think you know how that is achieved.

I do realize the blessing of problems and challenges.  They refine us, they provide us with the chance of becoming better people.  Some challenges makes us realize what is really important in life.  At the end of the day, what doesn’t kill us indeed make us stronger.

***

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”  -Donald Miller

Now I am resuming dating.  There is someone very interested, and that right there is the problem.  I realized that the worst thing that could happen is a guy showing me too much interest.  I feel like running away, and I immediately start looking for problems and for flaws in him.

What is my problem?  Fear of commitment?  Fear of getting hurt? Fear of settling for the wrong person?  Fear of hurting someone?

Or perhaps I just like the chase.  I like the challenge.   I don’t want to settle but at which point I manage my expectations and appreciate the great men I meet?

I do fear hurting him because I don’t know what I want and he seems so sure.  I figure I will give him complete honesty and that is the best I can do.  So I am being completely honest about my feelings.

I don’t want to give out too much information about him.  He is a classical musician, in his late fifties.  Everything about him seems great.  So why am I not that excited? Why am I so cautious?

“How much I missed, simply because I was afraid of missing it.”-Paulo Coelho

In the meantime I am exchanging emails with a much younger fake guy.  I know this guy is fake.  But like some fake guys in the past, I know they are fake and I keep going, playing along. Why am I investing time and energy into this losing proposition?  Perhaps I know the answer to that…they are safe to me, they require no commitment.

So that brings me to the question that is the title to this post, what should I wear to the ballet at Lincoln Center?  If I overdress it may scream of “first timer”, if I under-dress it may seem I am not appreciating the event and location.  I think the little black dress may be the right ticket here.

and lastly a word in defense of online dating.  Yes it can be a pain, with its share of losers and players, but so is real life.  One has to be safe and take precautions before meeting anyone, but at the end of the day I grateful for its availability, as I get to meet men from all walks of life that normally I would never bump to in my day to day.

“Not knowing when the dawn will come
I open every door.”  – Emily Dickinson

 

Never assume!

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“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” – Isaac Asimov

As expected I am even busier now with my brother, his girlfriend and another 3 friends visiting from Brazil.  It is chaotic because the friends decided to rent an Airbnb in the Harlem.  Nothing against Harlem but they rented in an area out of the way for tourists and out of the way for me.  It is so bad that they never went out in the evenings for fear of coming home in the dark.  Next time perhaps someone will ask my input, after all I have only lived in New York for over 30 years.

I am doing my best to help out and provide them direction and fun.  Tomorrow I am renting a mini-van to take them to the outlets.  I hate outlets and I hate driving, so this goes on the list: things we do for family!

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I almost never go out of my office. I get in in the morning and only leave at the end of the day. But every now and then I get out to run an errand. It never fails that I see a homeless person in a corner.  Were they always there and I never noticed or this problem is growing at an alarming rate? I always give money or buy them food. Yesterday was no different.

After getting out of the office to go to HSBC I find myself standing in line at Wells Fargo.  I realized my mistake and walked out.  I see a man sitting in a corner and offer to buy him lunch.  He asks if I could get him soda also. I get him the food and soda and go back to the office without doing what I had intended to do which is go to HSBC.

At the end of the day when I am returning home, in my town, I pass by an older man rummaging through a garbage can. I go back and the following conversation ensues:

Me:  Are you hungry?

Him: No (sounding offended), do I look hungry?

Me: I don’t know, I just felt I should ask.

Him: I have $240.00 on this pocket (patting the left side of his pants and patting the other side as if trying hard to remember how much he had on the other pocket)

He proceeds to tell what he had for dinner: steak, potatoes and green beans and some dessert.

Me: oh then you have more money than I do.  Can I borrow some?

Him: How much do you need?

I said good night and walked out.  Would he really have loaned me money?  Who knows, but this exchange illustrates the old adage: “Never judge a book by its cover”; and my favorite new one: Don’t assume, ask!

I had a homeless man yell at me once when I gave him food so I never assume they want and/or anything, I ask.

So the take away here is: Never assume anything. Ask, clarify, even at the risk of sounding redundant. 

“How would your life be different if…You stopped making negative judgmental assumptions about people you encounter? Let today be the day…You look for the good in everyone you meet and respect their journey.” – Steve Maraboli

Updates, and trying Match.com

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Test’s result: It is negative! The biopsy results are in and there is nothing to worry about.  The minor surgery is healing well.  I won’t have to see this doctor for another year.   All in all I am glad my doctor referred me to this specialist.  He was great!  Easy to talk to, explains everything in detail,  really made me feel at ease, even thought he was teaching yet another medical student.  The silver lining:  In the process of doing the biopsy he corrected and cleaned up my cervix.  He said: “ You can now resume normal activities”  …and resume I shall (as soon as I find the one I am willing to have activities with  :-) )

New Tenant: Again I have an older lady as a tenant. She is very nice. As faith would have the day before my tenant is set to move in there is a leak from the apartment upstairs and part of the bedroom ceiling falls off. The silver lining is that there was no furniture so nothing other then the ceiling was damaged.  Now on to fixing it and trying to collect from the lady upstairs.  Being a landlord is not easy.

Olympics: I already miss the Olympics.  I am happy that all in all the Olympics worked out. In the beginning I feared it wasn’t even going to happen so I am glad that one way or another Brazil pulled it through.  Relieved is a better word! I love the world coming together is a competitive and fun atmosphere. I love the triumph of the spirit, the giving their all to something.

US Open: It is US Open time again.  Every year I go to the Opening Night Ceremony.  I loved how they showcased the new roof at the Arthur Ashe Stadium.  Apparently everyone was on to what was going to happen, except me.

My Doc friend went with me.  I was going on and on about the roof being closed on such a beautiful night.   And then as Phil Collins started singing “In the Air Tonight” the roof started opening up.  I was in awe like a child looking up, both marveled and surprised.

Visitors from Brazil: My brother, his girlfriend, her brother and his wife, and a cousin are coming  to NY  on September 9th to stay  for 2 weeks.  Only my brother and his girlfriend will stay at my apartment, but they will all go together on all the outings.  I will take a few days off to take them around.  It should be fun playing the tour guide.

Match. com:  I am still on POF, but decided to also try Match.  So far I have met in person 2 guys.  They were really great, but there was not really any chemistry.  I am seriously thinking that, even though, I am on 2 sites looking for a partner, I don’t really want anyone.  Am I too demanding? Is that masking a secret fear of getting hurt again?  Am I not willing to share my space, time and energy?  Or perhaps it is just not the right time.

The first guy I met was a widower of just one year.  I think he just spoke a little too much of his late wife.  I don’t think I want to compete with a dead wife. I don’t think that he is ready for dating, even though he said he had already dated someone for 3 months.

The second guy was younger than me by 5 years, handsome, great job.  I just think that he lacked a little motivation. He said he would never travel alone or do anything alone.  I do everything alone. I feel like he is waiting for a woman to come and rescue him and tell him what to do.  Even though I am bossy, I am tired of it.  I don’t want to rescue anyone.  I want to be rescued for once.

The truth is I didn’t feel like kissing any of them.  It may seem superficial but chemistry it is a big deal to me.  It has to flow.  It is not about looks, it is about how someone moves me and makes me feel.

If the chemistry is there, then we can see about the rest.

At this point in my life I don’t feel like wasting time and energy and hope on someone that I feel I will have to force and make a relationship fit.  I believe that when the person, time and energy is right it will just naturally work.

“Let nature take its course. By letting each thing act in accordance with its own nature, everything that needs to be done gets done.” ~” Lao Tzu

 

 

Choosing not to worry until it is time to worry

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“How would your life be different if…You stopped worrying about things you can’t control and started focusing on the things you can? Let today be the day…You free yourself from fruitless worry, seize the day and take effective action on things you can change.”  – Steve Maraboli

As I mentioned a couple of posts ago my gynecologist wanted me to return to her office to get a colposcopy (use of a magnifying device to look at the cervix) and biopsy due to an abnormal pap smear.

I went to see her but she was unable to perform the procedure due to Cervical Stenosis (small cervix opening).  She then said: “I have to send you to the big boys”.  That to her meant sending me to a gynecological oncologist at the Cancer Center.  I was already scared and hearing the words “oncologist” and “cancer” made me start panicking.  She tried to reassure me by saying that she was only sending me to him because he was the best and not because she feared cancer.

I went to see this doctor this week.  He was teaching another young doctor, so now I have 2 men all up in my business.🙂  I thought it would be really awkward but the student was more nervous that I was and really trying to learn and be professional about it, so I even felt bad for him. In a way I was glad to help.

When the doctor got a closer look he realized that things were not going to be as easy as he anticipated.  He ended up needing extra equipment and material that had not been laid out in advance.  As he started asking the nurse for additional items the nurse complained (a few times) that he should have told her in advance all that it was going to be needed.  I thought the nurse was disrespectful to him and insensitive to me since it seemed that he was going out of his way not to alarm me and not to give me the impression that things were not going as planned.

“Sorrow looks back, Worry looks around, Faith looks up” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

To be able to get in the cervix and do the biopsy I had to get several shots of anesthetics, and also had electrocauterization after.  Since I had never had anything like that done before it was a little nerve wrecking, specially when the doctor placed a grounding pad on my thigh.  I expected to be shocked any second.  But even with that, with the nurse/doctor exchange, with having a student there (doing everything the doctor was doing) this procedure went well.

This doctor did an amazing job of explaining the procedure every step of the way and of reassuring me that I have no reason to worry about anything.  He said all appears normal and even my pap smear he considered normal.  But he said that he understood why my doctor wanted a closer look.

I believed him, so even though I still don’t have the biopsy results I decided not to worry  about it anymore until I have a reason to worry.  And just like that I have no worries.

“If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it’s not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.” – Dalai Lama