An update on my dating life, or lack thereof

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“A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.” – Rita Rudner

  1. The Doctor continues to text every now and then and it seems that we have settled on friendship.  I am happy with that.  He is not boyfriend material as he doesn’t seem to know what he wants, but he can be a great friend. File under “No romance, but great conversations”
  2. The perfect guy that was emailing me has not reached out since I didn’t reply to his last email.  Were he real he would wonder what happened and probably write inquiring.  File this under “I dodged a bullet!”
  3. The much younger guy totally disappeared.  I am considering filing a Missing Person’s Report.:-). File under “It was going to be a mistake anyway”
  4. I met someone (still from the Craigslist ad).  We had a great time at dinner.  He asked me on a second date that same evening and I said yes and said I would let him know when.  I am having second thoughts now.  He is recently divorced with 5 kids, and I have to say that 5 kids scare me. Also not a whole lot of chemistry, so I am not sure if I will go through with the second date.  File under “Perhaps… the jury is still out”
  5. There was another guy emailing me, and even though he seemed nice he kept pushing me to meet him.  I explained that my mom is in town and I am having some other stuff to take care of and asked for his patience.  Still he continue to push me. I hate to be pressured on doing something, and I told him so.  I think that it is the end of that. File under: “Patience is a virtue”
  6. My great blogger friend Vanessa from the Vanessence blog thought she had the perfect guy to introduce to me.  Unfortunately when she reached out to him she found out he just got a girlfriend.  I am not disappointed at all as it was a real long shot, but I am extremely happy that someone would think I am a great person to introduce to friends. File under: “It is good to be thought of”
  7.  And now for the last update.  On my post of May 11 I talked about a man from my past that I dated in 2007.  He has never given up and always texted me every now and then, even thought I always ignored him.  Right after Mother’s Day I gave in and replied to one of his texts. We started exchanging flirty texts, or so I thought; only for him to tell me that he has had a girlfriend since 2008.

At which point I said I was not interested, but he is still trying.  Here are the texts he sent the following day (May 12):

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I didn’t reply, I thought he would get the hint, but then again he doesn’t understand hints, so below are the texts from yesterday, to which I replied:

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Screenshot 3

Screenshot 4

I cut off the rest of the message as there were personal information and names of people pertaining to the details of this event. I didn’t reply and will not again.

I have to come clean and confess that a tiny part of me would love to attend this Dinner Dance event.  I also would love to see him again after almost ten years.  I am curious.  But not looking for drama.  So this is an invitation that was easy to pass up.

If the past is any indication I will continue to hear from him every now and then.   It is up to me not to reply again.  Even though he has no business contacting anyone if he has a girldfriend I have no ill feelings towards him and I still think he has a good heart.  I feel he is just misguided.  He should invest the time he is wasting texting me into fixing his relationship.

Clearly they are growing apart.  I once too thought it was okay for my boyfriend and I to go to events alone and take vacations apart.  I am talking about the first boyfriend (one day I will write about that relationship – we were together for 20 years!!).  I remember he never wanted to attend my work events.  Even though I had always lied to myself and said it was fine, that he was just not comfortable in that enviroment, it was never fine.  It signaled  problems in the relationship.  We disguised the unwilligness to support each other as freedom and individuality.

Relationships are hard work.  It takes compromise and the willingness to venture into the uncomfortable to support each other.  I want my significant other to be there next to me.  I no longer need to stand alone somewhere to prove that I am my own person.

I would hate for somebody else to spend 20 years with someone that is not their match.  Still, not regrets!  Hidsight is 20/20.  Moving forward.  Looking back to just see how far I have come!

and file all this under: “Keeping the faith!  It is not if, it is just when”

“Sometimes the comfort of being in a relationship lulls you into mundane complacency; you become irrelevant in each other’s lives. We call this phenomenon ‘growing apart’.” – Steve Maraboli

 

Feeling disappointed with myself!

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“Never be a spectator of unfairness or stupidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence.” – Christopher Hitchens

I am disappointed with myself.

I am disappointed I didn’t speak up when I witnessed injustice.

This happened on Friday when I took the train to go home.  I didn’t see the beginning of the exchange between the conductor and the 3 passengers. What I saw and heard was the train door beeping (signaling that the door is about to close) and the conductor yelling for 3 guys to get off of the train.

I was not sure what was going on but eventually I understood that the conductor was mad that, supposedly, one of the guys held the door open with his foot so his friend could get in.

The conductor was yelling that they needed to get off of the train. One of them did but the other 2 stated they did nothing wrong and moved up the train car and stood in the vestibule where they normally stayed. This was not my regular train but I had seen those guys before. They are Hispanic and work in construction in the city.

The conductor continued to berate them and, because by this time the train had already left the station, said that they would have to exit at the next station. They tried to talk to him and tell him they didn’t do anything wrong and the door just closed on them as they were boarding, but the conductor was not listening.

Even if holding the train door was illegal, which I am not even sure if it is, it doesn’t justify how rude and demeaning the conductor was treating the 2 men. Holding the train door open is something that every commuter has done at some point. I have, many times, sneaked in as the doors are closing and even stood at the door for somebody to get in.

In 16 years of taking the train twice a day I have never seen anyone being told to get off of train for that reason.

I felt this pang in my heart and gut that told me that the conductor would never behave in such a way towards someone that was better dressed and didn’t speak with an accent. I kept hoping that someone would speak up, but why couldn’t I do it myself? What was holding my voice inside?

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. – Desmond Tutu

I was also telling myself that I didn’t see the actual interaction in the beginning so perhaps there was more to it, but still I couldn’t imagine that anything would justify such rude behavior. I guess by that I was just trying to justify my silence.

When the next station approached the conductor stood by the door and yelled at them to get off and wait for the next train. One of the guys tried to beg him to stay saying that all they wanted to do was get home and they didn’t hold the door open, the door was closing as they got in. But the conductor was having none of that.  He just continued the yelling.  When one of them asked why they need to get off, he replied: “Because I told you so.  This is my train!”

Resigned they walked towards the door to exit.  At this moment a guy sitting across the aisle from me got up and said to them: Do not leave! You guys didn’t do anything wrong. Your only crime is not wearing a suit and tie! (he said that in Spanish, but I understood and agree wholeheartdly). He was, like me, probably an immigrant himself.

At this point I joined in and said I agreed.  I could have kissed that guy I was so happy that somebody had had the guts to speak up!

“Never be afraid to raise your voice for honesty and truth and compassion against injustice and lying and greed. If people all over the world…would do this, it would change the earth.” -william Faulkner

The 2 men knowing that they had support backed away from the door and said they weren’t leaving.  The conductor become even more irate and went crazy with the yellign and screaming.  He said he was going to call the police and that they were going to spend the night in jail.

After realizing that even with the threat of police they wouldn’t leave he walked firmly to the front of the car as if going to radio the police and saying they were going to spend the night in jail.

At this point I decided that if the police were to show up at the next stop I would say something. By now 3 African American women joined in to express their disgust at the way the conductor behaved.

I am happy to say that no police showed up and the guys exited the train on their stop with no other issues. I felt extreme relief.

Still I am disappointed I couldn’t speak up and only did so after someone had done first. Was it fear? It is certainly something that I need to work on. Sticking up for others shouldn’t be a matter of debate for me, I just need to follow my gut and do it.

What gave that conductor the the idea that he can treat anyone in such manner?

I was also disappointed that the only people that said something was the minority.  But why should I judge, if I couldn’t speak up why should I expect others to do so?

A somber thought crossed my mind: Trump.  It scares me to think how much power some people, racist and bigots included, would get if Trump was in power.  I feel a lot of them are already feeling empowered to behave in ways they wouldn’t otherwise.

God please watch over us and grant us strenght and voice to speak up when we see injustice no matter how small. Also please be kind and merciful to the poor souls that think they need to berate the weaker to fell strong.

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

 

Blessings and Lessons, Old and New mistakes

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Being spared a new mistake
Two posts ago I talked about saving the details about one guy I met for later. Now is later. The truth is I thought that by now I would have some very interesting juicy story to tell you, but I don’t. Instead I have a lesson and a stroke of good luck.

From my ad I received tons of emails from younger guys. I dismissed all of those except for one. There was something about him that I thought was worth a second look. From the emails we exchanged and from all my internet snooping I saw that he was a hard-working, accomplished, smart and generous man.  Things that I value in a person.

I decided to meet him in person as a friend. I can have younger friends, can’t I?

We met for coffee and sparks flew. And I started thinking “what if”. What if I ignore the age and just go with the flow? I was actually talking myself into going out with an embarrassingly younger guy, well if you are the type to be embarrassed by things. I am not!

After that initial meeting I gave him my number and we started exchanging texts. I was supposed to come up with a night to have a real dinner date. I knew it would be a mistake and it wouldn’t be something long lasting, still I was willing to jump head first into this empty pool.

And then… he just went silent! He seemed to have completely fallen off the face of earth. No emails, texts, smoke signals, nothing!

In the past I would have gone nuts looking for answers. I would come up with many different scenarios why this happened. Now I just thank the Universe and move on.

Clearly the Universe interceded in my favor. I knew it was going to be a mistake and I was willing to go through with it anyway. The Universe spared me the pain that would certain follow.

I know I am not the type of person for casual relationships. There are so many reasons why casual relationships, friends with benefits type of scenario would never work for me. I get attached. I get emotionally involved. I expect things. I expect heart, energy, and reciprocity of feelings.

Thank you Universe for stepping in. I don’t need to know why he disappeared. It doesn’t matter, the result is the same.

It is amazing what happens when you place your trust in the God (Universe), when you believe that He knows better and He will make sure that whatever it is not good for you it is taken out of the way. (even when you are walking onto disaster out of your own free will)

If it is not a blessing, it is a lesson! In this case the blessing was of being spared the lesson.

When people choose to leave, let them, specially if they were never supposed to be in your life to begin with.

Avoiding an old mistake
Every now and then a ghost from the past rears its ugly head. He shows up looking sharp and brand new. There is no sign of the issues from the past. Well, you don’t really remember the issues from the past. Time has a way of erasing the bad memories.

This guy that I dated very briefly in 2007 (he reminded me of the year) every now and then texts me. Long ago I decided to ignore him, but he never seems to take the hint. Few months go bye and he texts again wishing Merry Christmas, or Valentine’s Day or just saying hello.

I mentioned him here: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2013/03/28/march-28-a-wonderful-day-to-be-born/

He texted me “Happy Mother’s Day” the other day and instead of ignoring him like I always do I texted back. Honestly I don’t even remember why I stopped seeing him, but I am sure there was a good reason. We then started this flirty texting back and forth.

This morning he says: You know I have a girlfriend right?

What? Why would I suspect he has a girlfriend when he is flirting with me on text?  Should I have asked?

I told him exactly how I was feeling: hurt, foolish and stupid. I told him how I blamed myself and not him. Which is true, I opened the door; I can’t blame him for walking in.

I asked him why he contacted me if he has a girlfriend and here is his reply verbatim: “Why wouldn’t I? You are an extraordinary person. And it’s not like we had a fight or any drama like that.”

I was really hurt. I guess he caught me at a vulnerable time. I feel foolish thinking that he was trying to reconnect. Well he was trying to get something on the side for sure.  I feel bad for his girlfriend, which he says he has since 2008.

I politely said I don’t wish to be exchanging texts with a married man. No harm done, no hard feelings.

Two minutes ago I have a delivery. He sent me a box of chocolate covered fruit from Edible Arrangements as a belated birthday gift. I didn’t know if I should just ignore it or say thank you. Clearly it was sent yesterday, before I told him I don’t wish to continue.

I texted: “My office says thank you”. He wanted to engage me in additional conversation but I just ignored it.

Again is that same old lesson that I never seem to learn: Leave the past in the past. Make new mistakes, don’t revive old ones.  There is a reason people are not in your present, son’t question that.  Accept it!

Chocolate covered fruit bites

Chocolate covered fruit bites that my office really enjoyed

 

I will never know what that was, but I know it was not real!

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To continue from the last post:  The “perfect” man I was exchanging emails with told me his last name and ignored the question regarding his date of birth.  The last name was so generic that I couldn’t really find definite answers about him.

The feeling that I was talking to some kind of impostor intensified.

Because I am impatient and impulsive.  Because I cannot wait for things to happen.  Because I follow my gut.  Because I am so honest it hurts.  Because it was late at night and my bed was painfully empty.  For so many reasons I sent him the following email:

“In bed thinking of you…
The you that I created out of desperation and fear
Fearless me feared you would never come
So I created you
I created someone that would magically know how awesome I am
Someone that would appreciate my beauty without knowing what I look like
I created someone caring, intelligent, polite, funny.
I created someone to be my strength when I feel weak
I created someone to be my fan, supporter, confidant and lover
I created someone that wants me as much as I want him
I created someone not perfect, but perfect for me
The problem with desperate creations is that they one day end
Someone once told me that they thought I didn’t think myself worth of love as I seemed to push people that liked me away and seemed to go for impossible situations.
This here is an impossible situation.
You are not real. You don’t exist. I know it.
Still I dream about you every night as giving up on the fairy tale is not an option.
I know this is not real. I know you are not real.”

Of course 5 minutes later I had already regretted sending it.  My intent was to tell him that I knew he was a fake and that I was emailing with him not because he was fooling me but because of my forever search for that special one.  So even thought I knew he was a fake I continued emailing making room that one millionth to one chance that he could be the real thing.

I expected that he would do one of the following:
1) Reply as usual
2) Try to convince me how real he is
3) Never write again

After not writing for one day, he continued writing as if all was fine.  He continued giving me updates on his father’s stay at the hospital. He continued telling me how amazing and supportive I am.

I never replied again.

“Silence is sometimes the best answer” – Dalai Lama

I am still curious as to what was his endgame. What was his aim, or was he just happy emailing? Was just the daily morsel of attention he craved?  I can’t blame him.

I am not even mad at him, or frustrated or sad.  This is internet, this is craigslist’s territory so I am totally prepared and not surprised.   Buyer beware!   Each person that turns out not to be the one is bringing me one step closer to the right one, so I I don’t get discouraged.

I know some things one cannot search for.  Some things the more you search for the more elusive it becomes.  To me stopping the search means giving up.  Plus I enjoy the attention and entertainment.  I enjoy how much I get to learn about myself. I enjoy meeting people that otherwise I would never cross paths with.  I enjoy being pro-active.  I enjoy putting myself out there.  It makes me feel alive.

“Choose to be optimistic, it feels better.”  – Dalai Lama

Back…to old tricks of searching for fairy-tales

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Returning

I am back from Brazil. I was there for only one week visiting family.  Everything went well.  The truth is that most of the things that I wish it could have gone better had to do with me and my expectations.  Trying to lead a life of no expectations is incredibly difficult.  What you think is being helpful is actually seen as being critical.  It is hard to deal with people that are so defensive that they see everything as a personal attack.

But here is the great news; this old dog can learn new tricks.  This old dog can try keeping her mouth shut.  Keep your great ideas and suggestions to yourself, no one cares or appreciates.

This is also an opportunity for me to look inwards and see how ready to attack I am.  Am I keeping an open mind and giving people a chance to be themselves?

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” – Rumi

Mom

My mother has returned with me as she does every time I go there.  She normally stays here for 1 month but now that my brother has retired and is able to help with my dad she will stay here for 2 months.  I think a longer stay will be beneficial to her; it will keep her away from her daily stressors.

We are still not sure about her illness yet.  The doctors in Brazil keeps running countless tests and not arriving at any conclusion. The latest doctor she went to, which was referred by the neurosurgeon was an ear, nose and throat doctor.  He was supposed to look over the test’s results and come up with a diagnosis and course of treatment.  Instead he asked for some of the same tests to be done again.

In the meantime she has been taking medication for dizziness prescribed by the neurosurgeon.  When she returns to Brazil she will see another doctor and hopefully get some answers.  She gets very dizzy sometimes to the point that she cannot stand up, also, lately, she has been very achy over her entire body.  Combine that with diabetes, high blood pressure and hypothyroidism and it makes for a lot medications to take, which makes her crazy.

Being here forces her to relax as I live in a small apartment and I don’t really allow her to do much.  In Brazil I know she over does it.

She is turning 81 on Sunday, so there is birthday cake in my future.  I don’t want to celebrate my birthday but I am all for eating other’s birthday cakes.
***

“Experience life in all possible ways — good-bad, bitter-sweet, dark-light, summer-winter.   Experience all the dualities.
Don’t be afraid of experience, because the more experience you have, the more  mature you become.” – Osho

I put a personal ad on Craigslist

I have met people off of Craigslist before from different ads I have placed regarding finding partners for activities and from selling my US Open tennis tickets (I used to have season tickets).  A couple of weeks ago I placed a personal ad.  I blame boredom and, perhaps, the need for attention from the opposite sex.

Of course I received dozens of emails, with all kinds of proposals, some indecent.  After sifting through them I replied to those that seemed to be real and serious.

I met 2 people in person.  The first one was the guy I have mentioned took me dancing. We have been in touch.  He asked me out again, but I was busy.  I need to decide if I am going to see him again.

The other one I met briefly 2 nights ago.  I will save him for a next post.  Stay tuned.

The one I want to mention now is one that I know is not real.  I know it is a fake, but I don’t really know of what kind fake he is.

We have been exchanging emails on a daily basis.  He just seems too good to be true.  He is not intrusive as he doesn’t ask a single question about me.  Or does that mean that he is really not interested in finding out?  He knows very little, almost nothing about me.  He has not seen a picture and doesn’t even know I am originally from Brazil.  He sent me 2 pictures.  I sent him none.  He asked for but said that he was okay if I didn’t feel comfortable sending them. So I never did.

When I mentioned that he didn’t seem real he gave me his phone number and said I should call that evening to confirm he was real.  I didn’t call that evening.  Days later I called restricted and got a voice mail, but I left no message.

With only the pictures, phone number and his first name I have not been able to get any information on Google.  I am normally able to find something with less, so this is killing me that I cannot find anything.

Even though he said he is 44, he sounds older, more cultured, from a more chivalrous world. It is hard to explain, but the words he uses, his level of writing is definitely from someone very well educated. There are no typos or slangs, sometimes I have to look up some words to make sure of the meaning. He writes as if he already knows that I am a real good, honest, beautiful person.  I am all that but how would he know if he has never seen or talked to me? He writes exactly what I would love to hear from a man.

“Suspecting and knowing are not the same.” – Rick Riordan

When we started emailing, he was too busy to meet in person, and then I was going to Brazil (I never mentioned where I was going.  He never asked).  He offered to pick me up when I mentioned I was returning from my trip.  Of course I declined, I am not about to get into a car with a stranger.  On the same day of my arrival supposedly his dad had a near fatal heart attack and he had to travel to another state and be with his mother.  His dad is still in the hospital waiting to be stable enough to have some kind of bypass.   Will this, probably fictitious, father ever get better or will he have to stay there forever?  Should I bluff and say I am traveling there to see him?

The only reason I am still corresponding with him is because I am curious and I want to see how far he will go with this charade.  I want to know what he is after.

Throughout my online dating experience I have encountered all kinds of scams, and can normally spot one from miles away.  But this time I am stumped as to what is the end game here.  Is he starving for attention and has too much time on his hands?  Is he married? Is he from some Nigerian scheme?  Will he start asking for money?

I have just emailed him and asked for his last name and date of birth.  I am eager to see what he will say to that.

For now I am replying just a few lines to his daily emails and mostly just offering support.  I don’t want to make any emotional investment.

I know it is fake, but still I wouldn’t be this hopeful fairy-tale chasing romantic I am if I didn’t harbor a glimmer of wanting and wishing he were real.


“Be realistic: Plan for a miracle” – Osho

 

With peaceful and hopeful thoughts I go home again

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A quick hello/update before I get on my flight to Brazil tonight.

At work, things were under control until the auditors decided to start asking questions again.  They have this uncanny ability to know exactly when I am going on vacation to send me away stressed.  This has been a good exercise in setting priorities at work.

***

The doctor that I had dated (April 2nd post) started sending me flirty texts this week. Even though I wanted to discuss our relationship, or lack thereof, in person I went ahead and took that opportunity to establish that we are friends and that is it.

He seemed surprised (it is really hard to tell on text), but agreed.  I was immediately happier for having things clarified.  I don’t like murky waters.  I like to know where I stand and want others to know where they stand with my.  I am always striving for more clarity and less miscommunication.

***

On Saturday I went dancing with this young guy (36).  I didn’t really consider it a date because of the age difference.  I had a great time.  I only didn’t care for how he wanted to turn a sweet kiss goodnight into endless kisses.  I hate to have to say stop/no more than once.

Still he was a sweet guy and perhaps I will see him again.

***
My suitcases are packed all is missing are the bagels.  I have to take at least a dozen bagels every time I go to Brazil.

I am trying not to pack: anxiety, control-freakiness, work issues, expectations, and assumptions.

I am trying to pack: patience, hope, believe that everything is the way it is supposed to be.

My mother’s illness, which the doctors are having a hard time deciphering, is making everything difficult.  She has been getting extremely dizzy and tired.  She is also more irritable, short of patience, with the smallest of things setting her off.  It is a difficult and delicate situation.

Hopefully she will be able to return with me as she does every time I go there.  I leaving it all in God’s hands.  He knows best! I am just praying for guidance.

***
Wishing you all much light and blessings this weekend and the week ahead.  May many doors open to what is right in your life!

Be here now and forget the rest!

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“Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.” -Anais Nin

This was another “feeling weird” week.  Perhaps it is PMS or the phase of the moon, or perhaps it is just the aftershocks of turning 50.  Whatever it is I need to escape this feeling, this rut.

Speaking of escape I am leaving for Brazil next week.  Going to see my family always fills me with mixed feelings and anxiety.  It can be the best time ever, but always there is some underlining stupid issue that becomes some drama. This time I am making a point of making it the best trip ever.  I am not going to let anything and/or anyone mess up my trip.  It is not the situation; it is how I let it affect me and how I react to it.  This time I am not letting anything affect me…well  I promise to try.

“Freedom is the only worthy goal in life. It is won by disregarding things that lie beyond our control.” – Epictetus

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“Change comes from confrontation. You have to be confronted or confront yourself.” – Bryant McGill

This week I had a disagreement with the workers at a Cuban restaurant near my job.  I was buying food for a homeless man and wanted them to give me more rice.  They insisted there was plenty of rice in the container and that I would have to buy another container just for rice for $5.00.  I said I had no problem in paying extra but wanted the extra rice in the same container, as well as the broccoli, which they also insisted on putting in another container (there was plenty of room in the same container).  The manager comes over and tells me those are the rules.  I am thinking to myself: is this really happening?  I am willing to pay whatever he wants to charge, I just want everything in the same container.  Does anyone here have common sense? I am saving them money, by not wasting separate containers.  Plus what happened to “the customer is always right”? I had even explained to them that I didn’t want to hand the man 3 containers and thought it would be easier for him to have it all in one. They couldn’t care less what my reasons were.

At that point I had a decision to make. A) I could continue insisting and making more of a scene, B)I could leave the restaurant and go someplace else or  C) I could get the food as is and move on.  I chose C.  I got the plate as is, no extra rice, with the broccoli on the side.  Sometimes one has to forget about feelings and principals and look at the bottom line.  The bottom line was I wanted to buy someone a hot meal on a cold rainy day.  Being right or getting my way was secondary and meaningless.

When I get to the cashier, the girl, who had been watching this whole interaction says to me:  I can put the broccoli in the same container if you want, that is simple. What? Now? After all this? I said: no, thank you, I just want to get out of here.

I think they now think I am this demanding customer, when I am totally the opposite.  Or am I?  And really, what do I care what people think of me?  What is important is that the man had this huge smile on his face when I returned with his food. (I had asked him first if I could buy him lunch, so he had been waiting for it).

“Welcome the present moment as if you had invited it. It is all we ever have so we might as well work with it rather than struggling against it. We might as well make it our friend and teacher rather than our enemy.” – Pema Chodron

*********

I started using Instagram.  I decided it would be a nice thing to go along with my blog, since for some reason sometimes I cannot add photos to my posts.   I just didn’t realize how much I would enjoy it.

I am the type of person that is always on auto-pilot. I go from one thing to the next without paying attention.  I get things done, I focus on results and often I forget how I got there.  I miss the details and the beauty in them. Instagram is changing that.

Instagram makes me pay attention to details.  I am paying attention to everything.  I see things I have never seen before.  Now I stop and see the flowers.

I used to think that people that took pictures of everything missed the moment.  Now I am one of them and I can tell you I am not missing the moment, I am focusing on the moment.  I am seeing and seizing the moment.

Wishing you all a blessed weekend!  Stop and smell the flowers.  Look around and discover all the hidden treasures!

“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.” – Henry David Thoreau

When people leave they do you a favor!

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I turned 50 years old on Monday and the world didn’t stop:-) Nothing really changed.   I am not feeling completely renewed or anything like that.  There was no huge celebration.  It was just another day.

I took the day off as I didn’t want to deal with my co-workers wishing me happy birthday.  That didn’t really work as I got all the birthday wishes and cupcakes the next day.  This was my sister’s birthday also (we are identical twins), so eventually we will be taking a big trip to celebrate.

I am promising myself to make 50 look like 25!! I want to really wake up for each day and embrace it.

***

As I mentioned before I have been taking a break from online dating, but I am already starting to get bored.  I know, I know that I could be doing many other things other than dating to cure my boredom, but the truth also is that I know my Prince is out there so I intend to look for him, or at least help him find me.

I am now trying to decide what online dating site I will try next.  I have tried E-Harmony and Plenty of Fish, and they both had good and bad points.  I am thinking of Match or perhaps Ourtime.  Any suggestions or recommendations?

***

Do you remember the doctor that I dated for awhile back last summer/fall?  When we dated I thought we would be perfect for each other.  We had similar ideas about a lot of things.  I thought he was incredible.  We were seeing each other twice a week, then he disappeared for a month.  Later he started texting again every now and then.  I kept an open mind but as time passed  and he remained mostly silent I lost interest.

I had not seen him for months but still every time he texted I replied because I still think he would be a cool friend.  On Tuesday when he texted I mentioned my birthday the day before and he wanted to take me out to dinner to celebrate.  I said yes.

It was awesome!  Amazing restaurant, amazing food and drink, but the best part for me was having the confirmation that I have zero interest in him romantically.  At the end of the evening I let him kiss me goodnight and I felt nothing.

At one point during dinner I asked him:  How is your dating life?  He said:  You are not allowed to ask that.  I started laughing.  For many reasons:  First because I remember asking him that same question before and getting the same answer,  second because I believe I can ask whatever I want, and last because the question was meaningless to me,  it was just a conversation topic for me as we were both catching up on each other’s lives.  It would have not made a difference what the answer was.  I thought it was funny that the thought I would care.  I also found him distasteful.

I felt so blessed at that moment.  I felt blessed that the answer (or non-answer) that at one point in the past hurt me, now made me laugh.  In the past when he refused to answer I thought he was actively dating other people and I felt hurt and a bit betrayed.

I guess he thinks that I am still interested in him romantically.  Now I have to decide what to do when he asks me out again, as I know he will.  I want to go as friends, but I could tell that he probably thinks that we can pick up where we left off.  We can’t!  That ship has sailed.   The moment is gone. I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it, and will exercise honesty always!

I love realizing that his disappearing act was a blessing. It was the needed break that was instrumental in my realizing that he is not for me.  I was infatuated with him and everything that he has accomplished and I had let that blind me.  What a mistake it would have been if things had become serious between us.

For awhile when he disappeared I felt like contacting him.  But then I realized gracefully that things and people are removed from our lives for a reason.  Sometimes is for us to appreciate them more, other times for us to realize we don’t need them at all, and we are deserving of more.  In this case it was the latter.

Wishing everyone a blessed weekend!  May you notice all the little miracles around you!

A river runs through me

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This post below was written yesterday when I woke up overwhelmed.  Today is a new day, where the world makes sense again.  Today I got a massage in the morning, then lunch and shopping with a friend.  I had a delicious passion fruit mojito with my salmon lunch.  And let’s not forget the brownie cake chocolate and coconut cheesecake.

****

“Whenever you are confronted with an opponent. Conquer him with love.” – Mahatma Gandhi

Today I woke up feeling strange. Not bad. Not great. Unsettled.

I don’t know why, the problems are the same. Am I weaker?

Perhaps is the milestone birthday around the corner.
50 is heavy, 50 is potent, 50 is too much, 50 doesn’t feel real.   I feel tired from so much already done and still I feel a sense of urgency from so much yet to do.

Perhaps it is the evil PMS.  An annoyance that reminds me of the beauty of being a woman.

Perhaps is the culmination of many stressful moments.  There is so much I can’t control at the moment.  So many people being unreasonable.  There are so many people I want to take by the shoulder and shake some sense into them.

My lack of control leaves me sedated.  I feel cold.  I feel as if there is ice water running through my veins instead of warm blood.

I realize this is a great chance to exercise the acceptance of people and facts, but today I can’t do it.  I choose instead to just accept the moment as is.

At one point you get tired of fighting and you realize that at the end of the day after all the fighting nothing has changed, you just have achy muscles and frail nerves.

At this moment I picture a river.   A river going right through me.
It is a river of peace. A river serene and non-threatening. In its calmness it washes away the turbulent feelings in my being.

A river going through me, taking with it all debris of pain, hurt, anger, vestiges of evil.
I don’t fight it anymore. I let it all go and I float. I float in calm and peace.  I let my body and mind feel settled.

So today I don’t fight, I don’t force acceptance, I don’t force trust and positivism.  Today I just float and let a river run through me, because tomorrow is another day and I know it will be a better day! (and yes it was)

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

Painful memories can bring comfort and contentment!

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“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” – Lao Tzu

As I am laying in bed waiting for sleep to come, my mind went back to a sad time over 4 years ago.  It was the time when my Ex and I were breaking up.  (For the new readers: After thinking I was in a fairy-tale I found out my boyfriend was cheating.  When I confronted him, he asked me to move out).

No,  I am not still thinking of him.  He is history!  But tonight memories of that time came to mind. (I think it had to do with getting an email from him wishing me a good trip.  His mom must have told him I was going on a skiing trip.  I didn’t reply and felt indifferent about it).  I see this memory not as a memory of him, but a memory of me and my feelings at a certain time.

The memory is of one night as I had my head resting against his chest as we were both going to sleep.  Well, he was going to sleep… to me those nights were spent awake trying to come up with answers, trying to come up with solutions.  The memory is of my heart aching.  I was in pain and there was no painkiller that could stop it.  I felt as if my heart was being ripped out of my chest.  The knowledge,  but not the acceptance,  that the life as I knew it was over.

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” – Steve Maraboli

I have my head on the chest of the man that is causing me this immense pain and still I want to do anything I can to stay with him.  I wanted to know why he was doing what he was doing and how could I fix it.  At that moment in time contemplating a future without him was incomprehensible.  So instead of planning my solo future I was planning ways to get him back.  I am trying to ignore the inevitable.

I remember trying to talk to him, trying to convince him to work on the relationship.  I was doing all the talking.  He was resolved and that was the end of it.  I would have done anything to stay.  I begged and I pleaded.   I was still lying to myself hoping he would change his mind and give us a chance.  Instead every time I tried he made me feel smaller and smaller.

Looking back I realized how much easier it would have been if I had just surrendered to the truth of the situation.  Hindsight is indeed 20/20.

I, still after all these years, cannot find a reason on why he cheated.  I cannot find anything lacking.   But I finally found peace in the fact that I don’t need an answer for everything.  It is okay for some questions to remain answered.  Acceptance is freeing!

“Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” – Rumi

If I ever choose to speak to him again I would want to say just 2 words:  Thank you!

Thank you for having the insight, wisdom and vision to let me go.  Thank you for knowing what was best for me!  Thank you for being so cold and mean in the break up, you made easier to forget you.   Thank you for not giving in to my tears and for ignoring my begging.  In doing that you showed me I deserved more.

Now I see how our fairy-tale had an expiration date.  It was amazing and then it ended.  I am happy with the beautiful memories, amazing experiences, fun times.  I am happier with the bad memories.  I am grateful for all, including for the hurt you put me through in the end.

Above all I am grateful for the lessons.  There are so many, I am still leaning from it. I wouldn’t be the amazing person I am today were not for the pain you have caused.

“If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.”  – Pema Chodron

There is love in staying together and there is love in letting go.  We both said I love you in different ways. At one point he mentioned that his life was just too complicated and would become even more so, that he wouldn’t be able to be that man I wanted and deserved.  He was right!  His life has been a total mess the past few years and I am blessed not to be involved in that.

Now as I am about to drift to sleep alone in my awesome bed I realize how blessed I am.   I see the humor in realizing that I barely remember he existed when at one point I didn’t feel I could exist without him.  Thank you for the passage of time.

The memories no longer pain me.  They console me and they show me the wisdom of God.  It shows me that acceptance and trust in a Higher wiser power is what works for me.  Trust and acceptance gives me meaning and hope.

As for Ex I wish him well.  I wish him peace and clarity.  He seemed a miracle when he came into my life and he proved a miracle when he left.

“What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle.” – Rumi

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