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When the subject is dating, B is history

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I don’t know what happened exactly but it probably had to do with the 2 questions/points I brought up on the last date. After that conversation he was calling and texting less often, which is what I wanted.  I felt I could breathe and for a second I felt this relationship would have a chance.  I was wrong.

Last night I received a call from him.  He sounded serious and said he wanted to be honest with me and share some thoughts he was having.  I knew in my heart that he didn’t want a relationship anymore even before he said anything.

He said that he had been thinking about “us” and remembered things he had learned in therapy.  He said there was competition between us and that reminded him of his ex-wife.  I was just going to let him speak without interruption, but I had to ask: Competition?  What competition? I am a competitive person, but not when it comes to dating.  He then back pedaled and said that he didn’t mean “competition”, he meant conflict, he meant that we are not on the same level.

Was he trying to say that I was competing with him financially? I was not.  We have different styles.  At any rate I didn’t see the need to argue the point with him.  At the end of the day he wants to stop seeing me and I agree with that.  No sense in splitting hairs.

I let him speak some more.  He was talking a mile a minute, as if he was trying to assure himself he was doing the right thing or perhaps he was trying to find the right words to let me down easy, the “it is me, not you” type of thing.

He didn’t have to. I am weirdly relieved. Back to the comfort of single-hood. Back to searching.

At one point, when it seemed that he was just making the same point over and over again, I thanked him for his honesty and wished him luck.

And I meant it, he an awesome guy, I wish him the best.  There is a right person for him, but I am not the one.

He immediately blocked me on the dating site.  I don’t get!  A day ago he acted as if I was the love of his life, today I am persona non-grata. Oh well…But perhaps I understand it. Perhaps he wants to make sure that there is no turning back.

I still think I did the right thing by speaking up about what was giving me concern about pursuing a relationship with him.  Was it too early to talk about things? I think it is never too early.  I believe in honesty and kindness. The only kind thing to do is to be honest.

He probably learned not to be too eager, or appear too needy, or disclose his finances on the first date.  I learned…I am not sure what I learned, but I know there is always a lesson. Oftentimes more than one.

“Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape — all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can’t stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.”  ― Pema Chödrön

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He survived the third date. Will there be a fourth?

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The third date with B was on Wednesday night.  We went to a new restaurant in my town called Maria.  The place was beautiful and cozy, the food and service was good.  I would go back.

I met B in front of my building.  He brought me the roses in the picture above.  He opens car doors, he pulls chairs, he laughs at all of my jokes, he looks adoringly at me.  He is a gentleman.

But something still seems to keep me from investing 100% of me into this relationship.  I overthink things.  I think in terms of months down the road.

I can think of 2 reasons why I would be hesitant:

  1. I am afraid of getting hurt. I want to say that is not the case, but could it be?
  2. I am afraid of hurting him. For sure I would rather break things off now if I know that I am going to end up hurting him. Will I be able to like him the same way that he seems to like me?

It seems that I went from having my heart do all the talking to now just having my mind completely take over. I am lost without my heart to guide me.

I brought up to him the 2 concerns that I mentioned in the prior post.

  1. The financial issue.  I am concerned he doesn’t know how to manage his money. I am concerned that he spends frivolously instead of paying bills first.  To this he mentioned that when he was married his wife liked to spend a lot money.  He said that he tried to make her happy by buying her whatever she wanted I called him on it, after all it takes two to tango.  He said that he has learned his lesson and never uses a credit unless he has the money to pay.  His credit card bill was 70k and is now 18k.  I am keeping an open mind.
  2. Liking me a bit too much too soon.  I mentioned to him that I like attention but if it is overboard, it seems fake and he will send me running.  Jokingly, he said he will try not to like me too much.  I have noticed that since the date he has toned down the texting and calling. I feel better about it.

oh yeah, I am forgetting the best part. We kissed, and it was good!  Soft lips, gentle, and yet passionate.  I wouldn’t mind kissing him again.

At this point I am choosing to take the slow, one day at a time approach.

Stay tuned… I am!

“Hopeless heart that thrives on paradox; that longs for the beloved and is secretly relieved when the beloved is not there.” ― Jeanette Winterson, The Passion

3rd date: Give me space and spend wisely

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I am going on a third date with B tonight.  I am still unsure about him but I am trying to keep an open mind.

B is 48, young and fun.  He is in amazing shape, and more amazingly he thinks I am in great shape (I am not, losing 10/20 pounds in my belly and thighs would make everything so much better).  Besides a job in the financial industry he also teaches martial arts in the evenings.  He is recently divorced and at this point has a good relationship with the ex and the 2 college aged kids.

The first date was in a restaurant near my home, called Magnos.  It was fun and we talked non-stop.  The food was almost an afterthought.  The second date was near his home at a restaurant called Mamajuana.  Again it was a lot fun.  He drove me home after the dinner.

I thought he would kiss me and therefore I would have a better idea about chemistry but he gave me a peck on the lips.  It just felt friendly and not at all romantic.

On the first date, he was refreshingly honest, just like me. I normally think that I talk too much and volunteer too much information about myself. But at the end of the day I feel it is better for somebody to know me right away. I don’t have time to waste, and I don’t want to waste anybody’s time either. I have yet to master the art of leaving a little mystery.

“Money is only a tool. It will take you wherever you wish, but it will not replace you as the driver.” ― Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

Even though his honesty was refreshing I am not sure I wanted to know that he owes money on his credit card and hopes to pay it off in 2 years.  He also said he likes to travel first class and to treat himself well.  I guess being told something like that gave me the impression that he is not good with his money.

I am extremely conservative when it comes to finances.  I guess because I have been supporting myself and helping my family since I was 17 years old made me realize the need to spend wisely and save every penny.  If I don’t have it I don’t spend it.  I use my credit often because I want to get the miles/points but I pay it off every month.  The idea of letting debt get out of hand scares me.

Don’t get me wrong I will spend on the things and people I love.  I work hard and save for the luxury of treating my family, of going on trips, of being able to help other and  not living paycheck to paycheck.

“I’d like to live as a poor man with lots of money.” ― Pablo Picasso

Because he mentioned debt, on the first date I offered to split the bill.  That is something I never do.  I feel that the man should be able to afford the first date, and that is why I don’t care what it is, I am fine with a cup of coffee at Starbucks.  When I offered to help he paused then said: You get the next one.  I would have rather another response, but I asked so I cannot have both ways.

So the second date I paid for.  I have no problems paying for anything but at the same time I don’t want to feel burdened or pressured to do so, or because I am guilty that I have more money than he does.

The other issue, and I even hate to say it:  He seems to like me too much.  I know I am a catch 😉 but he just met me.  I like being told that I am funny, smart, etc, but if someone keeps saying that over and over it starts to sound a bit phony.  He calls and texts every day, I feel closed in.  My sister says that I would be jumping for joy every time the phone rang if I like him.  That fact that I don’t is perhaps a sign.

According to astrology, if you want to attract an Aries woman(me), one of the things you must do is:

  • Keep her guessing– she likes attention and she likes to be the centre of the stage, but it is not important for her. What is important is that she has a good time; and to have a good time she needs to be challenged in the relationship. If you are too easy to conquer, she loses interest quickly; if you are too difficult, she’ll move on. You need to practice the blow hot, blow hot for a while until you get make up her mind.

Sad to say that is way too accurate about me.

Tonight I think I will bring up those two issues tonight.  It will be uncomfortable but necessary, and perhaps he deserves to know exactly the way I feel instead of just breaking things off before it starts.

Perhaps I am just afraid of commitment and the moment I have someone that likes me I am ready to run so I just looking for any and all excuses I can find.

So, wish me luck, I will be back here tomorrow to report on the 3rd date.

“Without commitment, you cannot have depth in anything, whether it’s a relationship, a business or a hobby.” ― Neil Strauss

What is worst than pulling teeth?

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What is worst than pulling teeth?

A date with an arrogant dentist!  But excuse me; he is not a regular dentist, as he reminded me a bunch of times.  He is a prothodontist.   He makes a lot of money, which he made a point of telling me more than once.

The date was all about him.  Besides talking about how successful he was, he enjoyed talking about being popular with young women.  The last 2 women he dated were less than half his age.  He said he broke things off when they wanted to have sex after only a few dates and he doesn’t want that.  He wants a commitment.  If he wants a commitment why is he going out with women that are younger than his youngest son?  I didn’t bother asking that.

He also wanted to talk a lot about online dating itself, the website and his experience there, all negative.  He didn’t make a single positive comment about it.  While I agree online dating could be much better I think it is silly to waste time on a first date complaining about it.  After all, online dating is the place that brought us together.  He focused too much on all the is negative.  I don’t like complainers.

When I was able to get a word in he made sure to disagree with me.  It seems he just disagreed for the sake of disagreeing.  A lot doesn’t bother me so I made the best of it and stayed for the whole dinner, but needless to say there will be no second date.

Speaking of second dates.  I did have a second date with B.  I haven’t mentioned him here yet, so the next post will be all about him.  Stay tuned.

“Self-centered people often get angry when someone tells them no.  Stan said yes out of fear that he would lose love and that other people would get angry at him. These false motives and others keep us from setting boundaries:” ― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

Ask and you shall receive… a lame reply

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“Peace is letting it be. Letting life flow, letting emotions flow through you.” ― Kamal Ravikant

J. continues to text me every day but hasn’t mentioned going out again or why he hasn’t asked me out last weekend.

While I no longer think of him romantically I still think he is a good person and have continued replying to his texts.

It was hard to think that it was over before it began.  We had seemed to be ideal for each other, we had a lot in common, such as:

  • We are both twins
  • We are both in the same job for over 18 years
  • We are both single with no kids
  • We are both very close and help our families
  • We are both Seinfeld fans, finding episodes to fit every daily situation
  • and the list goes on and on as every day we found a similarity

Also, his twin brother is married to a Brazilian lady, so it seemed perfect.

I remain curious about what happened, but not curious enough to ask… until last night…

Last night, Saturday, after we exchanged several texts throughout the day and evening, on the spur of the moment I wrote:                                                           “I can see you lost interest and doesn’t want to meet again. I am not sure what happened, I thought we had a connection. I don’t understand it but I respect it.”

It was a stupid thing to write but I am guessing I wanted to end it on my side and officially say to myself and to him it is done and I am okay.  I guess I also wanted him to know that I was no longer expecting or wanting anything.

As soon as I hit send, I felt relieved.  I felt as if a chapter had closed and I could move on.    I didn’t care about his reply or even if he would reply.  My phone buzzed 20 minutes later signaling an incoming message and I didn’t jump at it to read it.

“It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.” ― George Washington

When I eventually looked at it, it read:
“I am sorry you feel that way. Perhaps we can try to plan something for this week? I haven’t lost interest in you.”

I didn’t even know what to reply to that. I just said: ” No that is okay, we can just be texting buddies”.

And I added the cartoon below:  (I always added funny images to my texts to him.  I thought this one would be fitting)

And I meant what I said, I am no longer interested, no matter what answer he had given me.  I harbor no animosity but don’t feel like getting together again.  His actions were not compatible with all he had told me on those first 2 dates.

Later on he wrote:                                                                                                   “haha. Too boring for me.  I want the real thing.”

“Actions defined a man; words were a fart in the wind.” ― Mario Puzo

I didn’t reply.  He had the real thing and didn’t know what to do with it.  I say thanks to my guardian angels as I know that any time something that seems good for me gets removed from my life it is because it wouldn’t be good for me in the long run.  I don’t need to know the reasons, I just need to believe that all is as it is supposed to be.

Oh well, next!

“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.” ― Tupac Shakur

 

Breaking up a non-relationship : Ending before it starts

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“To conceal anything from those to whom I am attached, is not in my nature. I can never close my lips where I have opened my heart.” ― Charles Dickens

It is funny breaking up with someone when there was never a “we”.  There was a potential “we”, a future “we”, but never a “we” now.  Still I realize the need to break things off.  He had a “we” in his heart and mind.  I couldn’t let that go on.

I wanted to wait and tell D. in person of my decision to stop seeing him until his life was sorted out.

Even though we really don’t have anything and have gone only as far as a kiss on the lips and a hug, I always felt that he thought this was a full blown committed relationship.

I hate the idea that I am leading somebody on, even though I have told him many times that I am still on the dating site and would continue to date other people.

With each passing day I was agonizing over it, so to preserve my sanity and to feel I have done right by him I wrote him a text this morning.  See below.

It was a spur of the moment decision.  I probably could have done a better job of writing the text.  Now rereading it I cringe, I definitely could have been clearer and kinder.  But I am glad I sent it.

Now it is done, and it seems he understood.  I was getting the feeling that he was feeling under pressure to sell the house and get things resolved because of me.  I like to think that now he can sit back, relax and do things in his own pace and follow his heart.

But above all, I don’t want miscommunications, misunderstandings and never ever cause anybody any pain that could have been avoided.

The elusive third date

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“Life is a long preparation for something that never happens.”  –― W.B. Yeats

Amazing what a difference a couple of days makes.  On Friday I was all excited about the third date with J. this weekend.

Now, Monday morning,  I am sitting here wondering what happened. Ok, I am not wondering too much.  I am used to online dating.  I have learned to expect anything, everything and nothing.  People are fickle.

But really, what happened? Is it an issue with communication? Expectations? No, I think it is just a case of “he is just not that into me”.

The truth is easy and simple:  if nothing is happening is because there is no interest.

We had 2 great fun dates.   We laughed, joked and ate great food.  He seemed interested.  We text many times throughout the day, every single day.  We still do.  He is texting me as I write this.

On Wednesday he asked me when we would see each other again. I responded: ”When you ask me out again”.  He replied: “Perhaps this weekend if you are not too busy”.  I said: “as of now I am completely free”.  To me that is a big open door, all he has to do is walk through it.  He didn’t.

Patience is a conquering virtue.” – Geoffrey Chaucer

We continued texting.  Friday night came and went, then Saturday, then Sunday.  He never mentioned going out.  I didn’t ask.

I cannot say I was disappointed, but I was surprised.  And of course, I am curious.

My sister said I should have called on Saturday morning and asked if we were going out.  I didn’t want to.  I just went about my life.  I don’t want to be forcing a guy to go out with me.

As we were texting throughout the day yesterday I wrote:  “I thought I was going to see you this weekend .  He answered: “me too”.  He proceeded to text me pictures of his dog.

At one point when I asked how was his Saturday night, he said he went to fix his mother’s toilette.

I know that I could have been the one to ask him out.  I would have and have done in the past with other guys, but it never turned out well.  I end up realizing that the guy didn’t really want to see me again to begin with and I felt like I was forcing the situation.

“That was the thing about the world: it wasn’t that things were harder than you thought they were going to be, it was that they were hard in ways that you didn’t expect.” ― Lev Grossman

I am looking for a man that is more “take charge”, specially in the beginning.  I am aggressive by nature.   I go after what I want.  But in regards to dating I like the man to take the wheel, otherwise I will, and then resent him for it.  I will become the boss of the relationship, in charge of everything.  I don’t want that.  Was he waiting for me to say anything? Who knows.  The truth is that if he was, then we are not a match.

I will be clear with a guy about my interest.  No one has to read my mind. But I want him to step up and make the plans, at least in the beginning. Wrong or right it is what I want and need.

Will there a third date?  Who knows? All he has to do is ask.  I want to tell him: “You better strike while the iron is hot” 😉  because is getting cold by the minute.

Things are exactly the way they should be.  I am learning to just let nature take its course and not force anything.

I continue learning, getting better and happier!

 “Let nature take its course. By letting each thing act in accordance with its own nature, everything that needs to be done gets done.” ~”― Lao Tzu

It is raining men!

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It is not really raining, it is more like a light sprinkle but it feels like a thunderstorm to me.

D.- I decided that if I don’t see him this coming week, I will just have to tell him in a text. The fact that I already have a decision in mind and I haven’t told him is just too much for me to carry. It feels dishonest.

I will tell him the truth without sugar-coating it.  I am too old and lack the patience to be hanging around for some time in the future when things magically fall into place.  I don’t believe in that.  Sometimes life is messy and complicated and we just have to deal with it.

I will leave the door open for a possibility of seeing each other again in the future if and when his life is sorted out and if I am still available.

Honesty is the best policy!

“A ‘no’ does not hide anything, but a ‘yes’ very easily becomes a deception.” – Soren Kierkegaard

B. – He if from Kansas. Yes you read right, he is from Kansas and still lives there. I went to Kansas last weekend to surprise a friend for her birthday.  That friend having a birthday is my Ex boyfriend’s mother, but that story is for another post.

One day a few months back while browsing a dating site I decided to check the guys in Kansas since I knew I was going to be there and I knew I was going to have some free time. B and I connected immediately and starting exchanging messages.

I met him last Friday, the day I arrived.  I met him, his 11 year old son and his dog.  Yes, I am not joking.  The kid was adorable.  We all got along well, we went for a walk with the dog, had ice cream, then took the KC Street car from Union Station to Power and Light District for dinner.  We managed to spend some time together after he dropped his son off.

Even though there was chemistry, the reality is that I am not moving to Kansas any time soon and he is not moving to NY.  Also the whole thing stunk of deja-vu.  The ex that broke my heart and was the cause of my starting this blog was also from Kansas.  The day I met Ex I also met his 11 year old son and we all went out to lunch.  Later I met his dog.  A bunch of other similarities also.

He wants me to return to Kansas and try to develop a relationship.  I think I will pass.  He has his life pretty much planned out and tied to Kansas.  Mine is not that planned, but I want to have a say in my future and not just fit in somebody’s life.  I did that in the past and don’t feel like doing it again.

Been there, done that!

“Plans are of little importance, but planning is essential.” -― Winston Churchill

J – He is brand new in my life. We managed to have 2 dates already pretty fast. It seems promising from what I can tell, but I will continue to choose caution and go slowly.  He is so respectful that I barely got a kiss on the lips on the second date.

He is sweet and kind, and I can see myself with him.  At the same time I can see myself already trying very hard to find reasons to disqualify him.  Perhaps that fear of commitment is a real thing.

We are going on a third date this weekend and I am excited about that. The next post will be all about him, so that is all I am going to say about him for now.

Finger crossed!

“It’s amazing how a little tomorrow can make up for a whole lot of yesterday.” – John Guare

The flowers made me do it (or not do it)

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I had a date with D. on Monday night.  My intentions were of telling him in person that he needs to get his life resolved first and then we can actually began the process of getting to know each other.

Up to now we have been meeting for a quick lunch or dinner and lately just a quick drink, once a month.  A quick kiss at the end of every date. He is a great guy and has been honest with me from the start.  He lacks the time right now to invest in a relationship, but keeps promising me that once the house sells and the divorce is finalized that he can be available 100%.

I lack the patience to hang around.  I also don’t want to give him the impression that I am all in since I don’t really know him well enough to know what I want.  I was excited in the beginning, months ago, by now my interest has waned while his seems to be more intense.

In the past I have told him I am continuing to date and he responded with: okay, that is fine.  But I don’t really think that he has been listening.  I think that he thinks this is more than what it is.  I wanted to let him know how I felt in person.

“Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.” ― Henry James

So on Monday I was fully resolved to let him down easy.  I walked out of my building and came face to face with him holding a bouquet of red roses (they were deep red even though they look pink in the picture above).

I am a woman and I don’t have icy water running through my veins, so my heart sank.  Who doesn’t love to get flowers? I am always happy to get them but in this case I wish I didn’t.  And with that my resolve was gone.  I just couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t tell him good bye.

It is as if he knew what was coming.  He said:  I want to bring you flowers every time, but I am always running late, or the florist is closed.

What do I do now?  We never really text. He will text a hello every now and then. I really wanted to do it in person but it maybe kinder to just send a text.  What do you think?

“Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.”  ― Roy T. Bennett

What not to say on a first day

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“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.” ― E.E. Cummings

Last Thursday I decided to accept a spur of the moment invitation for coffee.  This is a person that I had just started exchanging messages with and didn’t know anything about him.  I wasn’t that interested but thought I could spare 10 minutes and see if there was any chemistry.  After all, how bad could it be?

BAD! It was really bad.  I am normally able to get something out of any date I have, except this one.  It is common for me not to have any chemistry but to like the person enough to want a friendship, but not with this one.

As soon as I sat down, and by the way he sat on the chair and I had to sit on top of the air vent.  As he studied my face he asked: Do you only wear glasses? Do you plan on getting contact lenses?   I said: no.  I was a little taken aback by this question.  He pressed on: Why not?  You never considered it?

I said: No, not really.  On my list of things to do or to change about myself, contact lenses comes in at the very last, if at all.

He seemed disappointed and proceed to tell me how an ex-girlfriend once convinced him that everyone looks better without glasses.  No matter how beautiful someone is, glasses are never a good look. So he now wear contacts. Then, sounding disappointed he added:  but you already said you have no interest.

I changed the subject by asking him about his day and his work.  He mentioned he was almost retired.  That he was tired of dealing with employees and now only took care of a few select clients.  He has some kind of electrical work company.

“Conceited people never hear anything but praise.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Instead of perhaps asking about my day and my job, he then asked me what I thought of all the men online.  Before I had a change to answer his question, he said: I have been told that most men are short and bald, so because I am tall and have all my hair I am better than 99% of the men online.

I politely reminded him that hair and height was not what I valued about people, that I was interested in the whole person, and more about the inside than the outside.  I doubt he heard me. If he did, he ignored it.

I geared the conversation towards food.  I asked him if he cooked.  He said that now he did, but for the longest time all he did was eat in fancy restaurants.  He mentioned how an ex-girlfriend turned him into a foodie and a traveler. He also mentioned that she paid for everything. But added: but I am not going into that now.

He also mentioned an ex-girlfriend that disappeared after she spent a weekend at his apartment.  He suspects that she was after his money and needed a green card and after she saw that he lived in a studio she thought that there was nothing there for her to go after.  He asked me if I agreed with that assumption since the girl in question was also Brazilian. I said: “that calls for a lot of speculation and assumption and I am not about to do that without having her side of the story”  I got a disappointed face again.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” Theodore Roosevelt

After these painful minutes I got up to leave mentioning a train I had to catch.  He got up with me and hugged me good bye.  He then asked if I was intimidated by his height.  I looked at him in surprise and asked:  Why would I?  Why would anyone?  He looked disappointed again. One would think he is 7 feet tall, but even though he said he is 6’4, I don’t believe it.  My boss is 6’4 and this guy was definitely shorter.

Needless to say I had zero interest in getting to know him better.  He emailed that night to say that he was unsure about the chemistry – as if there was any chance I would be interested in him. I, humoring him, said: sleep on it.

The next morning I wrote him and I said that there was really zero chemistry and wished him luck.  He asked me to keep his number in case I ever had any event to attend and wanted him to accompany me.  I wanted to reply that he was just too old to be a gigolo, but chose silence instead.

And another bullet was dodged 🙂

“He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.”  – ― George Bernard Shaw