One day after another, we keep going

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“There is a saying in Tibetan, ‘Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.’
No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster.”  – Dalai Lama XIV

I am as shocked as most people are over the tragedy in Las Vegas. While the Hurricane was also tragic, specially the situation in Puerto Rico, which is heartbreaking, Las Vegas is incomprehensible.  The sheer thought that one person alone could cause such atrocity is beyond understanding.  It is revolting, scary, and alarming. We can almost understand Mother Nature, but the evil in mankind leaves me speechless.

When will this stop? It keeps escalating. How can owning such weapons be okay? I doubt our forefathers had Automatic Rifles in mind when they decided on the Right to Bear Arms.

I pray for peace. I pray for miracles. I pray for guidance.  Prayer is not enough, I understand that.  Prayer without action, without doing my part is meaningless. But Prayer brings peace.  Prayer brings clarity, brings comfort and solace.

What else can I do, other than sign petitions and contact my local representative?  Who is he/she anyway?  Are they really representing me?

***

“If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.”  – Amit Ray

S. and I still email daily.  I am still not sure if it is going anywhere.  At times I want to meet him, other times I want to preserve things as they are.

We had a minor disagreement the other day. I thought it was rude to just leave a conversation and not say good bye, only to resurface several hours later like nothing happened. He said and I quote: “You seem to think it’s not okay to miss someone, even if terribly, and knowing they’ll be back”

I guess he has a point. I also guess he has never been ghosted before. What is annoying is not somebody disappearing; it is not knowing if they will ever come back.

I decided to relax and take it for what it is: a fun friend that comes and goes. Still I enjoy exchanging messages with him and will continue to do so until we either meet, get tired of each other, or get significant others, whatever comes first.

Speaking of meetings, I decided to go back to online dating sites. I miss going out on dates. I miss dressing up, having an alcoholic beverage, flirting and the potential of a second date and a kiss.

I also miss all the different people I meet. I miss their stories. They teach me a lot about myself.

I thought I would do so much with my life while away from online dating but nothing has changed. I am still not blogging as often as I would like.

Oh well, I will not pressure myself about that either.

***

“If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it’s not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.”  – Dalai Lama XIV

I am not sure I have mentioned my problem with hives. Yes, besides, back, hip and neck/collarbone issues I also deal with hives. I am damaged goods, or perhaps those are the signs of a life lived well, or perhaps just the sign of a body not being taken care of as a temple.

After consulting with several doctors, including an allergist that assured me I am not allergic to anything: “perhaps a little allergy to dust”,  I am still not close to figuring why most days at the end of the day I break out in hives. Most of the time is annoying but not crazy, but yesterday it was just unbearable.

In looking at what I had to eat and what I did throughout the day the only thing that I would consider out of the ordinary for me was having a few slices of salami at dinner time. Could I be allergic to salami, or something in it?

I keep wanting to start a food diary and never do it, perhaps the time to start is now.  I had 10 years ago and it was an incredible weight loss tool.  I need to do it again.

***

Returning and wanting to flee and be free

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“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” – Marcel Proust

I don’t get tired of saying that I love going away but I love returning home even more.  I like my bed and my routine.  But going away is necessary.  To renew, to refresh or perhaps just to appreciate more what we leave behind.

I spent one week in Brazil visiting family.  I had visions of while there having plenty of time to exercise, to work on my blog, etc.

I didn’t have a free second.  I was always with my Mom or my Dad or both.  I don’t know how long I will have them around so I want to make sure I don’t waste my time on the computer instead of spending time with them.

I am happy to say that Mom’s depression medication is working so she felt good enough to travel here and stay a couple of weeks, as she normally does a couple of times a year.

I am sorry for the short disappearance, specially after mentioning corresponding with a couple of Craigslist’s strangers.  I know that crazy leaps can be made.

***

“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.” – Paulo Coelho

I am still emailing with S.  Joe, the other one, hasn’t emailed in over one week.  I am okay with that.  No big loss for either one of us.  This is just fun and entertainment.

S. and I have been getting closer and closer.  We have been emailing back and forth, sometimes several times a day since the end of July.  I harbor no illusions of anything.  It would be silly of me to think that there is anything here.  At the same time it has been fun.  He seems intelligent and caring, two things I really appreciate in people.

For all I know I could be talking to a catfish.  He could be a 60 yr old grandmother, or a 15 yr old high school kid.  I just don’t know. That is why I proceed with caution; and the occasional moment of caution thrown to the wind, in the form of conversations a little more spicy.

It has been amazing fun corresponding with him.  We write each other poems.  Perhaps I will reprint some here.  I am not talking about corny I love you poems.  I am talking about the same regular email we would write each other, about the day’s events, about our wants, about anything, but in poem form.  He started it and then I try to follow suit looking for words that rhyme.

It is amazing how our emails turn out when we are looking to make rhymes. It is really fun and it twists my brain sometimes.  It helps wake up my brain and use different words.

I still only know that his name starts with S., and it means some kind of warrior prince.  I know he is 41, and a technologist.  Probably a consultant as he doesn’t seem to have a set work schedule.

He knows a little more about me.  He knows my name starts with A, that I am a twin and that I am from Brazil.

Will I ever meet him? I don’t know, but it seems to be leaning towards that.  For the first time in my life I am in no hurry.  There is not a sense of urgency for me to meet him. It will probably happen for not any time soon.

For now I am enjoying this, whatever this is.

***

“Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one’s weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.” – Mahatma Gandhi

While in Brazil I went to a Reiki session.  Actually I went to 2 different ones with 2 different women.  Reiki is a healing technique that believe that someone can use their energy and touch of their hands to help in the healing of physical and other ailments.  It works with unblocking our Chakras, prayers and the warm touch of hands.

It is much more than that. I am not the best person to describe here what any of this is, but both Reiki and Chakras are very interesting concepts that I want to learn more about.  Perhaps as I learn I will summarize here the ideas.

I believe in anything that is used for good.  I believe in the power of the unknown and the unseen.  I believe in energy, light and the Universe.

One of the women mentioned I need to take time for myself and to do the things I love and make me happy.  I agree with that.  I need to take care of myself and put myself first.  This year, specially, has been all about others, family, friends and work.

I thought it was interesting that both women mentioned I have a deep sadness, a past sorrow that I need to address and work on.  I didn’t think I have any sorrow, but I can’t help thinking if the break up is not still lurking around specially since the Ex made an appearance in the last couple of months.   They recommended working on this by praying for help, comfort and guidance.

Ex came to collect a last item for the car and spoke to my sister.  I made sure not to be around when he came. He implied that she didn’t know the whole story.  I was furious with him and his implications.  There is nothing else to the story.  He cheated.  He has issues.  It is a case of blaming the victim.  I take full accountability for my fault in it.  But after 5 years I can’t see where I failed.  He is a master manipulator and twister of the truth.  I wonder what he thinks the truth is.  The deal with psychopaths is that they believe their own lies.

I always pray, well it is more like short gratitude conversations thanking God for all I have.  When I ask for something I ask for guidance and strength. He knows what I need and deserve to be a better person, to fulfill my purpose in life.

I need to take more time for silence, for God, for me, to feed my soul.  I have been feeling I am lacking the spiritual side.  I am lacking that replenishing of energy that we all need.  The day to day take so much of us.  We become robots, doing things out of routine and just sheer want, not even stopping to see if what we want is good for us.  I want to be more aware and in being more aware, be freer.

“If, then, I were asked for the most important advice I could give, that which I considered to be the most useful to the men of our century, I should simply say: in the name of God, stop a moment, cease your work, look around you.” – Leo Tolstoy

 

 

Not strangers, just unmet friends

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“. . .sometimes one feels freer speaking to a stranger than to people one knows. Why is that?”
“Probably because a stranger sees us the way we are, not as he wishes to think we are.”  – Carlos Ruiz Zafon, The Shadow of the Wind

In the previous post I mentioned that I have now been speaking to a couple of guys online.  These are not guys on an online dating site where you get to see pictures and read some information on their profiles.  These are guys that responded to ads I placed in Craigslist.

I don’t know anything about them, neither have I seen any pictures.  I only know the very little they volunteered.  I also volunteered very little.   I realize that no matter how much they tell me about themselves, unless I am able to verify it,  I will never know for sure.  I could be speaking to a teenager or a bored housewife, but still I continue.

I am enjoying these exchanges a lot. I enjoy the attention, the anonymity and the mystery.   At this point I don’t intend on meeting them.  I don’t know what they want but I am happy with having smart and fun conversations.

At times I get very curious and I think perhaps, just perhaps…  I think I would rather never meet and keep this going then meet them and have this disappear.

The first guy is S.: I couldn’t tell you his name even if I wanted to since I don’t know it.  I only know the first initial.  He said he is single, 41 and a technologist.  He doesn’t seem to have a set work schedule, so I think he is some kind of computer consultant.

We had longer emails in the beginning, now we have short ones more often.  He likes to write me poems that are smart, funny and conveys his feelings.  I write poems back, struggling to search for words that not only rhyme but have meaning. I like the challenge.

“It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;—it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.” – Jane Austin

The other is Joe. He is divorced, has 2 grown kids and a dog. He said he is 48. He makes some grammar errors that are really glaring, such as your instead of you are. I correct him at times, now I am just going with the flow. Our emails are longer.  He likes to describe in details locations he has been and people he has met.  I enjoy the attention to details he has that I don’t possess.

At one point I thought they were the same person and asked each other that.  Even though they write very differently something about them is similar.  I asked and they both denied being the same person.

There was a moment there that the conversation could have turned sexual in nature, but I made a point of keeping on the sexy/flirty side, but not sexual side.  I have mentioned to both that I am not interested in sexting and both were fine with keeping things friendly and at times flirty.

They both sound much younger than their ages.  Who am I really talking to?  Are they really being as honest as I am.  I don’t know.  Somehow to me my honesty is good enough. Let them deal with their own truth or lack thereof.

For now this situation satisfies me.  A stranger is a territory waiting to be discovered, a gift waiting to be opened, a miracle waiting to reveal itself.  I am the believer in all of that.  The strangers are the conduits of my hopes and dreams.

 

oh Rats!

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If you have been reading my blog you know at least 2 things: 1) I work in New York City and 2) I have mice in my office and they are not invited guests.

It is no secret New York City is infested with mice. I didn’t realize the extent of it until last Wednesday.

I agreed to meet my date at Bryant Square Park. He actually wanted to go shopping and buy me things.  A dream come true, a man buying me gifts!  But when you never met the person before it feels more like too good to be true and cause to be suspicious.  So I declined the shopping expedition, but decided to go ahead with the date.

We met at 5pm at the park. It was a beautiful day and the park was packed. So we thought it would be a great idea to go to Central Park as there would be more space. So we jump in a cab and $8.00 later we are at the park.

It was beautiful, also crowded with joggers, tourists, etc. We decided to find a place to sit, people watch and talk.   We get off the main road into a path and that is when I spot the first rat (it was just too big to be called a mouse).   I instantly freak out and we choose another path.

It was absolute insanity.  Every path we took there were rats.  On one alone there were 4.  People walk around them as if they were squirrels.  The rats didn’t run away.  It was shocking to me.  I still cannot forget about it.

I love Central Park, but now I don’t want to go there at all.  It is a shame that this is happening and I am afraid it will only get worst.  I am not sure if it was just the area we were in, but I am not willing to find out.

As far as the date went, we left Central Park and walked around, eventually going into a Movie Theatre.  We watched Patti Cake$.  I thought it was fun, charming and entertaining with a pinch of depressing for balance.

After the movie he wanted to stop somewhere to eat but I thought it was going to be too late for me to take the train home.  If I was more interested in him I probably would make more of an effort to stay and have a late dinner.

When I got home my sister asked how my date went.  I said it was fun but I was not sure about chemistry.  There were no sparks but I thought I would give a second date a try if he asked.

He was 10 years younger than me.  He was from Indian descent, handsome, well dressed and a gentleman.

The next day we emailed back and forth.  Finally he wrote and I quote: “I think it was great hanging out and had fun yesterday but I don’t know how you thought it went. I am sorry but didn’t feel the chemistry as bf and gf. Wanted to mention it yesterday buy thought let me sleep on it and see how i feel next day. You are a wonderful lady and deserve to be with someone special.”

It is actually the same way I felt/feel.  We still exchange friendly emails.

That was the last date for a little while, even though I am currently talking to 2 people online I have no intentions of meeting them any time soon.  I said people instead of men because I am not sure exactly who they are.  I know what they told me and I don’t have enough information to do all my Googling.  I will write more about them and the situation on the next post.  I will tell why this 51 year old woman that should know better is speaking to people she doesn’t know.

In the meantime, SMILE! You are blessed!

“Live your truth. Express your love. Share your enthusiasm. Take action towards your dreams. Walk your talk. Dance and sing to your music. Embrace your blessings. Make today worth remembering.” – Steve Maraboli

I am a treasure hunter!

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“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.”- Paulo Coelho

Hi, I am an addict!  I am not even sure what I am really addicted to.  I am addicted to online dating.  I am addicted to searching for a boyfriend.  Not to finding one, just the endless searching.

I am addicted to that very early dance we do at the beginning of connecting to someone. I am addicted to getting emails from strangers and shifting through them to find the one. I just realized that I am a treasure hunter.

I am addicted to hope, to potential and to possibilities!

Similar to a gold prospector panning for gold, shaking and sweeping until the gold stays in the bottom and the worthless materials are at the top,  I scan through all the emails looking for the precious one.

The beginning is exciting!  At the beginning of anything the sky is the limit. Anything is possible, anything can happen.  Of course, after a while I get disappointed or I disappoint and things are over before the actual beginning begins.  But I don’t worry.  I don’t bat an eyelash and I am on to the next one.

Fully aware that this is becoming a habit, an addiction, I decided to deactivate my 2 online dating profiles and take a break.  (I do have a date scheduled with someone that I had been speaking to before my decision.  He seemed like a nice guy.  I couldn’t just disappear on him, could I?)

“I dwell in possibility…” – Emily Dickinson

So I go ahead and deactivate my profiles.  After a day I am restless and incessantly aimlessly googling stuff on the internet.  On the second day I don’t know what to do with myself.  I have tons of projects to get to it, still I can’t seem to focus on any of them. I am not productive. I am lost.

What do I do?  No, I didn’t hold on tight,  full of resolve and will power.

I put an ad on Craigslist!

Yes you read correctly.  From Online dating sites to Craigslist, I guess I just went from the frying pan into the fire. I can feel the burn.

I know it is Craigslist but if I am there, other awesome people could be there too. In the past I did meet some nice people through various ads on Craigslist (selling/buying tickets, etc), so I know it can happen.  Why do I feel I have to defend it?

Now I am back in the cycle of getting and sorting through emails.  This is probably the way an addict feels when they get a shot of their drug.  I feel calm and elated all at once.

One would be surprised to see the number of sane, intelligent emails I get.  Of course I wrote a post that would elicit responses from the type of people I want and would bore the ones I don’t want to hear from.  I also do get my share of emails from the sleazy, fake or just plain jerk. And I still don’t know if the great emails are from real people.

I can have amazing conversations with people I never met. To discover an amazing mind in a sea of stupidity feels like finding a treasure.  Perhaps the freedom and the anonymity of the internet makes it possible.  It seems in real life people are always so guarded and afraid to connect.  I do understand that some of those connections are just illusory.  Still the possibility of being real is enough for me.

I am an addict, I am a treasure hunter, I am an user and an abuser.  Recognizing I have a problem is the first step. Wait, is it a problem? Is it a problem being hopeful and pro-active?

Perhaps I am just guilty of being a dreamer and believer.  At the end of the day my biggest problem and my biggest blessing is beign a forever hopeful.  I know I will have my fairy-tale, I just know it in my heart.  I know it will find me and I don’t have to keep searching, but I can’t help wanting to be pro-active and wanting to give the Universe a hand.

“I worship individuals for their highest possibilities as individuals and I loathe humanity for its failure to live up to these possibilities.”- Ayn Rand

Loving the search

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“You can be in love and you can be in a relationship. But they’re not always the same thing.” ― pleasefindthis (Iain S. Thomas) 

Am I becoming one of those people that swear off of relationships forever? Not that there is anything wrong with that!  I do want a relationship.  I like the idea that I still believe in love and that I am searching for my fairy-tale, for my Prince Charming.

Still often I seem to be finding excuses not to get involved in one.  Any time I meet someone that seems a little promising I immediately get in the “let me find something wrong with him” mode.

Sometimes there is really something wrong with him, but often I just pick at stupid things. I went on a second date with a guy the other night and when he walked me to my car he started telling me a story. He was speaking so loudly that I am sure people passing by thought he was arguing with me. I am Brazilian, we are not known for speaking softly, and still I dismiss someone for speaking loud. The same goes for the guy that I dismissed because he touched his food with his hands. I touch my food with my hands all the time.

Of course there are the times that I like them and they don’t like me.  In those instances I wonder if I just like them because they don’t seem interested in me?

What is happening here?  Am I being too pick or am I just being specific about what I want and don’t want?

Perhaps they are simply not the right person yet and I am just terrified of settling for the wrong person.  What if I settle for someone almost perfect for me and then the perfect one arrives?

I am saying “perfect for me” and not “perfect”. Not only perfection doesn’t exist, if it did it would be extremely boring and stressful trying to keep up with it.

Another possibility is that, even though I am searching for someone,  I don’t really want anyone.  I feel I am very open and easily let people in, but perhaps that is just not the case at all. My openness is just camouflage for my guarded heart.

Being alone is safe.  Opening up and letting others in not so much.  This blog was born out of the pain from the last time I really let someone in and even though I love my blog I do not want that pain again.

Perhaps still I am just having too much fun searching and don’t want to give that up?  I am enjoying being single and going on many blind dates.  I am fascinated by all the different types of people I meet.  Am I becoming a player?

I like the search, the discovery, the what-if, the process.  I like the idea of being in love, but perhaps I just don’t want to “fall” in love.  If happiness is a journey and not a destination I dare say that I am perfectly content on dating the rest of my life.

Yet, with all of that being said I am considering taking a one month break from online dating and returning later with fresher eyes.  Perhaps this online dating has become a game, or just entertainment. Maybe I am not taking things seriously or perhaps I am being too serious about it.

I also noticed that I am neglecting other aspects of my life. I haven’t had much free time lately, and a lot of the little time I have is spent on online dating.  I am neglecting my writing on this blog to write countless emails to countless potential dates.  I have to change things and prioritize me and what is important to me.  I think that I need to take a quick vacation from online dating.

But before I do I am going on a last date tomorrow night.


“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” ― Marcel Proust

Be nice and say good bye, don’t just disappear!

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“My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.” – Michael J. Fox

I struggle.  I struggle with not having answers. I need them! I want them!

I struggle with not having good byes.  I struggle with disappearing acts. I struggle with ghosting. Why would someone just fade without a reason?

I don’t want to force people to stay.  I want them to leave if they feel the need to leave.  Stay or go, just tell me what you are doing and I will wish you luck.

It is not the leaving, it is how the leaving is done. It is sudden and unexpected. And in as much it is sudden it is also slow and painful.  The days drag on and you wonder if this is really the end or is the person going to surface and just say they were busy with work, their dog died, they had amnesia, etc.

Ghosting is not only not fair, it is also cruel!  It doesn’t matter how much I have learned, grown and evolved I still need and want answers.  It doesn’t matter how much I don’t care about the person or if they are actually doing me a favor by disappearing, I still want answers.

Disappearance is such a cowardly act. Why not just say good bye?  Why not come up with some excuse if you cannot reveal the truth?  The curiosity gnaws at me.  I want to know why people just disappear.  Is it just easier?

What would happen if everyone in the dating world told the truth, no matter how inconsequential or painful?  Or even better, what if everyone were to become a little bit more honest with everyone in every dealing?  Would we have a better world or chaos?  More harmony or more hurt feelings?

As you can see I am still looking for answers from that “wonderful” man I met.  For a while I still thought he would return and give me a perfect reason for why he disappeared.  It didn’t happen.  Whatever it is I already accepted it as being what is best for me.  It is the Universe conspiring to remove from my life whatever doesn’t belong in it.  Still, having some kind of good bye, rhyme or reason would make things more palatable.

Is “accepting” being able to accept without question?  If that is the case then I still have more leaning to do in “acceptance”.  I accept amidst the struggle.

So, moving on, I have a dilemma that it is somehow related and yet it is not.  It is about volunteering the truth when no one has asked my opinion.  It about dispensing constructive criticism when none was requested.  When to say something and when to keep it to myself?

I went on a date last week with a man that was very nice, but as usual there were no fireworks. He wanted to see me again and I politely declined.  Not only there was no chemistry I also didn’t like how needy he seemed to be.  Anyway, the whole point here is that I think he needs to see a dentist.

His teeth were black in some areas. And when I say black I don’t mean yellow or discolored I mean really black as if rotting. He said he didn’t smoke so I am not sure the cause of it.  I have to point out that I don’t have perfect teeth. I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars in every kind of dental procedure you can think of, none of it cosmetic.  I have done gum graphs, bone graphs, implants, etc, so I am not about to judge someone on the perfection of their teeth.  Also I appreciate imperfection and I refuse to close the small gap in my front teeth to just confirm with everyone’s ideal. But in this case, his case, having blackened teeth sends the message of lack of cleaning.

I think his life, dating and otherwise, would improve drastically if he visited a dentist.  I know he has the means to do it.  The first thing you notice about anyone is normally their smile and once first impression has set in it is hard to change that.  Do I tell him that or do I keep that to myself?  After all he has a mirror and I cannot imagine him not being aware of it.

“By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.” – Confucius

Facing the one that broke my heart

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As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, out of the blue, my Ex (the one that broke my heart and got this blog started) emailed me wanting to buy my car.  I would normally ignore him but the idea of returning the car to the original owner and therefore really closing the door on the past seemed attractive and poetic.

I asked him to make an offer.  He offered $5,000.00 for a car that is worth between $15,000.00 and $18,000.00.  The low offer didn’t bother me as much as what he wrote in the email. He made it seem he gave me the car out of the goodness of his heart.  He also mentioned that I have been successful while he hasn’t done so well as if in a way I owe him something because of that.

First, he gave me the car because at that point he would have given anything to have me gone from his home and life.  He knew I had sold my car to move in with him since he had plenty of cars and I wouldn’t need mine anymore.  It was also perhaps a bit out of guilt, but somehow I doubt he is able to have such feelings.  Second, I work hard and whatever I have are the fruits of my labor.  His life hasn’t been so well since I left not because of me or because of the unfairness of life, but because of his own actions.  He is reaping what he sowed.

I don’t take any pleasure out of his life taking a bad turn.  In a way I am grateful I am no longer there to witness it and be involved in it.  Once, after the break up he said that he was not the man I needed him to be and that life would become a mess and it would better for me not to be there.  It makes some sense now.

After I got over the anger over the email I decided to accept the $5,000.00 and move on.

I was not looking forward to seeing him at all but it had to be done.  I just wanted to get things over with.  He had asked if I wanted to go to dinner to talk about the car and I had declined.  We met Friday afternoon at the parking lot where I had the car parked.

Seeing him at first was underwhelming.  He reached in for a hug and kiss and I just said hello.  Again, he mentioned going to a restaurant and again I declined, so we walked over to a ledge on the lot and proceeded to complete the paperwork.

I mentioned a couple of things about the car and gave me him the Carfax report.  He asked me how I was doing and I said ok.  Later he asked me again and I said:  What do you care?  He said:  I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t care.  I let that go.

After he gave me the money and we signed all the paperwork, he wanted to give me a ride back home, I declined.  I said bye and he reached out to kiss me and hug me good bye.

I wished I had just walked away, but words came spilling out:  “We are not friends. You don’t understand, some wounds never heal.  You have lost someone that loved you very much.  We had the world and you threw it all away.  How could you do it?”

At that moment I could feel my eyes burning.  I had dark sunglasses on and I wanted to run away before he could tell I was crying.  I looked at him and he had tears running down his face.  He said: I love you.  I don’t remember what I said but I think was something like good luck or good bye and I walked away without looking back with tears running down my face.

I am not sure the origin of those tears.  Perhaps it was relief, or anger.  It was definitely not love or want or anything resembling that.  It was not wanting to have the past back or him in my future.  It was cleansing, it was clearing, it was a turning point.

Now days later he has emailed me a couple of times to ask things about the car.  Surprisingly enough I have been able to have a conversation with him and not feel anything.

I will have to see him again to give him the stand for the hard top as it didn’t fit in the car and he has to come back and get it.   Again he is mentioning going out to dinner and catch up.

It is crazy, but in a way I wish I could go.  I wish I could be his friend.  I wish he had acknowledged betraying and hurting me.  I wish he had said sorry.  I wish we could sit and talk.  If he only knew how easy it would be, all it would take was for him to say 3 little words: I am sorry.

For now I still feel gratitude to him.  Gratitude for the great times.  Gratitude for the lessons.  Gratitude for the pain that made me start this blog. Gratitude for being spared involvement in a financial mess.  Gratitude for making me realize how amazing and deserving of more I am.  Gratitude for being free and able to date and do whatever I want.

Thank you!

“Closing The Cycle

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.” 

-Paulo Coelho

 

From magic to mist, from all to nothing

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“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” – Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Well, well, well, to say I am shocked is an understatement.
Mr Perfect for me disappeared. I am shocked! Yeah I am going to keep repeating that as this whole thing  is just so insane.

I was willing to bet this would become something long-lasting. I even hid my profile on Plenty of Fish, which I have never done before. I really had no interest in speaking to anybody else.

Let me start at the beginning.  We met on Plenty of Fish and started exchanging messages.  We had a lot in common, including our love of skiing.  He was very open and forthcoming with personal information that I was able to verify. For the first time I didn’t have to waste time researching and Googling someone, he volunteered it all.

After messaging on the site we moved on to texting and talking on the phone. He wanted to meet right away, which I normally prefer but because my friend was still in town we had to wait.

Even before the first date he had already invited me to July 4th weekend at his house on the beach and on August 12 for a clambake. I decline the July 4th invitation and said August 12 would probably work.

He also invited me to a charity sunset cruise where I would meet his friends but I was busy with my sister and my friend on that even and also declined.

Everything about him seemed perfect for me. We had the same views on most topics. Chemistry on the phone was out of control, we talked for hours.

He felt the same way about me, it was not like we were in love or anything, it was the fact that we both thought there was potential here.  For the first time ever it seemed I met a guy that talks about his feelings without games.  He is not afraid of “too much too soon”.  Like me he is all or nothing, tell it like it is person.

Finally the day of the date arrives and we hit it off immediately. He apologized for being absent from texting that day but explained that he is facing a couple of major deadlines.

He brought me chocolates that he had a friend send directly from Belgium because buying online wouldn’t be the same.  How can I not fall for that?

During dinner there was not a single awkward moment. We talked about everything.  There was a lot flirting, holding hand, giggling.  The best date ever!  After dinner he walked me to the front door of my building and asked me if he could come up and meet my sister. I said no and explained that she would want to be ready and not surprised.   He was okay with that.

He texted me when he got home saying that the date had ended too soon and asking if I would go on a second date. I said yes. We actually already had a second date already scheduled. When we were speaking on the phone we decided that we would go on a date every Thursday night.  After a couple of flirty texts we said good night as usual.

“God turns you from one feeling to another and teaches by means of opposites so that you will have two wings to fly, not one” – Jalauddin Rumi

The next day, Wednesday,  arrives and he is uncharacteristically quiet, to which I attributed to a lot work to do and getting ready to a business dinner with some foreign people. He texted late in the day saying he was leaving the office to go to the dinner. Almost 2 hours later he texted saying that he had no energy from from antihistamine he had taken the night before. I replied and asked if he was still at dinner. There was no reply but I fully expected to hear from him later on asking to talk on the phone. That text never came.

Thursday came and I still had no idea if I was meeting him that night or not.  Actually, I  had a pretty good idea that there would be no date.  The silence was a very loud no. This silence was totally out of character for him, but because of work I still didn’t want to assume anything.

I texted him and said:  “I think you are extremely busy so I don’t want to disturb you.  I was looking forward to seeing you tonight but if you need to cancel it is okay.  Thinking of you.”  He replied: “I have an issue at work I have to fly to DC tomorrow.  I will call you tonight.”

That call never came.  Friday came and went and not a word from him.  Then on Saturday night (yesterday) I texted him and said: “Are you okay?  I am worried.”  Perhaps worried was not the right word.  I was more curious and confused.  He texted back right away and said that there was an Amtrak accident in Washington where 2 people died and 1 got hurt and that his company was involved in and he had to deal with it.  He also sent me the link to the newspaper report.

I am still confused.  If that was the case why couldn’t he have written and said that he couldn’t get in touch for a few days or something like that?  Is he using the accident as an excuse because he is not interested? Why not just say so?

And nothing else after that text.  No, “lets plan to meet when things come down”, no “I am sorry I have been silent”, no ” Please be patient”.  Not another word!

I am lost.  Everything he said, everything he did before, during and immediately after the date pointed to someone that was as interested as I was.  The trips we would take, the future dates, everything appeared so real, possible and exactly as I once envisioned.

I even told him once that he was not real; that I had dreamed him up. I guess I did!

I am glad I texted him last night but I am not doing it again.  To me this is so hard to understand because all we spoke about honesty and communication.  We spoke so much about being hurt before. He was also cheated on.  We extolled the virtuous of honesty, integrity and communication.  Silence is something I would never expect from him.

I am not new at online dating, as you know. I consider myself pretty savvy, but have I just been played? To what end?

“We often confuse what we wish for with what is.” – Neil Gaiman

Is there a lesson here?  There is always a lesson, but frankly I am stumped.

Shouldn’t I be so forward and so honest next time someone says all the right words? Should I be less accessible and more challenging?  Should I be more mysterious and hard to read?  After all doesn’t people like what is more difficult to get?

There is a lesson here but I don’t know what it is, but changing myself and the way I act it is not it.  I will continue to be honest, upfront, and tell it like it is.  I will continue to tell people what I need and want and not expect them to read my mind.

And why am I looking for a lesson as if looking for something I did wrong and need to change?  I did nothing wrong.  I was myself!  The right man will appreciate it, respect it, want it, embrace it.  This just means he is not the right man yet.

Am I mad? Sad? Disappointed? All and none of it.  I am, more than anything, confused. I am a person that needs answers and don’t like things unresolved.  I crave to understand human beings and their exchanges, specially men that come into my life.

I can see a silver lining.  I feel this disappearance could be the work of my guardian angels removing someone from my life that would have not been good to me.  Showing me someone’s true colors before I am way in.  Everything he could be telling could be the truth still I think I deserved a little more information.

I don’t regret the long conversations we had, the kisses, the hope, how he made me feel special and the feeling that this was special.  The whole exchange with him was romantic, magical and for a fleeting moment it made me feel validated.  And for that magical feeling I will continue to put myself out there and do it all over again.

For a second in time I saw this as poetic, as I was about to sever all ties with the ex-boyfriend I am meeting someone that seemed to be my future.  (By the way I met the ex on Friday afternoon for the first time in almost 5 years and will write all about that next)

Am I giving up online dating?  Absolutely not! I will never stop putting myself out there in the hopes of finding a partner.  He is out there so I will keep on looking.  Fakers, players and all other kinds will come my way but there will never deter me from my ultimate goal.

“Don’t be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible. Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen.” – George Saunders

 

While we wait…

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“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.  Delicious Ambiguity.”  – Gilda Radner

I am sorry to keep everyone in suspense, but I am in suspense also.  The brand new guy that seemed heaven-sent all of a sudden doesn’t seem like a sure thing anymore.  I am confused and not sure where things are going.  In the meantime,  while I wait one day to clarify things, I will entertain you with 2 other guys.

First is about the guy that I mentioned in a previous post that took my sister, my friend and me to lunch.  He was a perfect gentleman.  He was super sweet trying to speak Portuguese to my friend that doesn’t speak a word of English.  There was no romantic vibes for me but I thought about giving him a chance for his chivalry alone.

He was going to take a trip out of the country and before leaving he texted and asked me if I wanted chocolate, coffee or dulce de leche from that location and I said all of them.

While he was away I decided to check him out.  I would have done my research before meeting him the first time but because I was going to lunch in a public place and bringing my sister and friend with me I assumed there was no harm.  In my research (Facebook and Google) I see traces of what appears to be a wife or girlfriend in that country.  Often my suspicions are correct.

Now he is back saying he has treats for me and wanting to take me out to dinner.  By now I am really into this new guy and have no intentions of starting anything with anybody else, specially when I am not sure if he is even telling me the truth or not.  A part of me is interested in finding out if he is lying or not.

I mention to every guy that I meet (as conversation always goes that way) that I have been cheated on before and how painful that was.  It is incomprehensible to me that someone would still lie to me after that.  I am tempted to meet him and confront him with my findings.  But what for?

“What is suspicion? It is a tool to ruin one’s own Soul.”  – Dada Bhagwan

***

The second guy is a few years younger than me.  We have been exchanging emails and developed this great email relationship.  He is smart and funny, definitely someone that I would love to be friends with or perhaps more.

But… there seems to be always a but.  He has an eye problem that prevents him from driving and seeing correctly at night.  I know that it may seem like a pretty cold and lame excuse not to want date someone.   I know myself, I hate driving and eventually I would probably starting to resent him for doing all the driving.  He lives over 1 hour away.

I feel bad as it seems I am discriminating against someone with a disability.  How would I fee if I were in his shoes?  I really hate hurting anyone, but at the same time agreeing to meet and starting something just not to hurt someone doesn’t do anyone any favors and will probably do more damage than good in the end.

I have been upfront with him.  He understood it, but countered with “love conquers all”.   We are not in love and I question starting something up already knowing that the chips are stacked against us.  Since then our emails have taken just the friendship tone and if anything the friendship is flourishing.  He has become like a confidant.  Now I question if I am not hurting him by continuing to talk to him knowing that it is just friendship.  Most guys ignore that detail and think there is still a chance.

“A faithful friend is a strong defense; 
And he that hath found him hath found a treasure.” – Louisa May Alcott

Stay tuned for: 1) an Update on this amazing new guy that now has a question mark and 2) Meeting the ex-boyfriend after almost 5 years