Happy to go and happy to return!

Tags

, , , , ,

“Usually, there is nothing more pleasing that returning to a place where you have endured hardship.” ― Tahir Shah

I just arrived from Brazil.  Exhausted, but so happy I went!

When I left, I had great plans for this blog.  I was going to post something every day. There would be tons of pictures.  I assumed, incorrectly, that I would have the time and energy to write, and to also do my office work.  None of that happened.

Instead I devoted my time to my family.  I got there and gave my brother a much deserved break.  I was left in charge of everything, including meals, medication and taking my Mom to a couple of doctor’s appointment.

I have a renewed respect and understanding for all that my brother has been doing.  It is not easy!  And to cook, on top of it all!  Lunch is a huge affair in Brazil, specially at my house. At breakfast there is already discussion about the menu for lunch.

I will talk more about that and other details about being in Brazil.  At the moment I am scrambling to catch up with work stuff.  Work has been neglected. I have been neglected.  I neglected you.

Gotta run, just wanted to say hi.  I look forward to catching up to everyone’s blog/life.  I have missed you!!

“If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to yourself, to who you are, here and now and when you get there, you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.” ― Masaru Emoto

One step towards Brazil

Tags

, , ,

I am doing a happy dance 🙂

  1. Received my test results in time for my flight tomorrow.
  2. It was Negative.

“For a few minutes I tried to empty my mind entirely, to concentrate solely on breathing: sometimes it’s useful to rediscover simpler pleasures of life.” ― Romain Gary

ps. celebrate the fact that I have a post that goes right to the point 

Anxious? Who, Me?

Tags

, , , , ,

“To let go means to give up coercing, resisting, or struggling, in exchange for something more powerful and wholesome which comes out of allowing things to be as they are without getting caught up in your attraction to or rejection of them, in the intrinsic stickiness of wanting, of liking and disliking.” ― Jon Kabat-Zinn

I am feeling anxious lately.  I read somewhere that anxious people live in the future and depressed people live in the past.  I am definitely living in the future.  With my trip to Brazil looming, I find myself anywhere, but here and now. 

Hi!  My name is Ana and I am anxious!

Being in the here and now, is a constant struggle.  Meditation helps, especially when I actually do it  🙂 

“Meditation is the only intentional, systematic human activity which at bottom is about not trying to improve yourself or get anywhere else, but simply to realize where you already are” ― Jon Kabat-Zinn

Here are some of the sources of my anxiety.

Covid test: Airlines requires a negative Covid-19 test within 72 hours of flying.  Testing centers say results will come in 3 to 7 days.  Every place I have called, from my doctor’s office to hospitals, tell me that they cannot guarantee when I will get the results back because it will depend on how busy the lab is.        

My friends tell me not to worry because they know people that have done it at CVS and they got the results in time. I don’t want uncertainty.  I want a guarantee.

Is there ever a guarantee in anything in life?  I guess the only certainty in life is death.

I finally found a place that guarantees a 24hr turn around for $200.00.  I rather pay the $200.00 and not have to worry.  But what if the test is positive?  I have been vaccinated, but it could happen. 😦

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” ― Corrie Ten Boom

Luggage:  I haven’t gone to Brazil in almost 2 years, so things to take home have piled up.  I paid more for a ticket that allows me to take 3 bags, but still is not enough.  23 kilos per suitcase is nothing if you are bringing bagels and bottles of lotions.

I have been having to remove items from my luggage to make it lighter.   I stress myself out every trip, and promise myself to travel lighter next time.  Note that I don’t bring a single item for me to wear.  Everything is for my family and friends.   Thankfully I have clothes already there.

What if my scale is not accurate and I am still over the limit?  What if I forget to bring something for someone?

“Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems” ― Epictetus

Work:  Will I be able to work from there?  Will the payroll go off without a hitch?  What about the 401K submissions?  What about the client’s invoices? Will there be any emergencies?  I never stayed in Brazil this long (3 weeks).

I am doing whatever I can not to have any issues, but I know that things will happen and they will get managed.  I am not a heart or brain doctor.   No one will die if I cannot get back to them in a couple of days.

I will look less than perfect.  I will lose my status as the person that gets it all done.  Can I handle that?

“Freedom is the only worthy goal in life. It is won by disregarding things that lie beyond our control.” ― Epictetus

Dates:  I canceled a bunch of dates.  Did I just cancel a date with Prince Charming?

Cindy (https://uniquelyfitblog.com/) was not keeping up with my dating life so I decided to slow down for her.  Haha, no, just kidding!  I just didn’t see the point of adding dates to my busy schedule now.

I have been exchanging messages and texts with a few guys, but none have my full attention and interest to meet them now. They seem great but my mind is elsewhere.

If it is meant for me, it will be here when I return 😊 

“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress and grow.” – ― Thomas Paine

… and so I stress, knowing that everything will turn out as it is meant to be.  And it will be perfect!

When in Doubt… Go!

Tags

, , , , ,

“Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.” ― Robert Frost

I have been thinking a lot about my family in Brazil.  I have been waiting for the perfect time to go visit.  The perfect time would be when this virus is gone from here, and from Brazil.  But, who knows when that will be, or if it will ever be?

On the spur of the moment I bought a ticket to Brazil.  I am leaving on May 22 and coming back on June 12.  I am hoping 3 weeks is enough time to give my brother a break from taking care of my parents.  He has been doing it for almost 2 years with no break.  Normally my mom comes to NY twice a year, but Covid changed all that. 

“I sustain myself with the love of family.” ― Maya Angelou

My parents are 86 (mom) and 84 (dad).  Mom’s hip is really giving her a hard time, so my brother is doing more and more around the house.  We have someone that comes in twice a week to clean the house, and they order food out a few times a week, but there is always something to do.  

I am bringing a laptop and will try to work from there, but the main objective of this trip is to spend time with my parents.  Work will be secondary.  

“If Light Is In Your Heart, You Will Find Your Way Home.”- Rumi

I have 11 days to get all done before I leave. I am now starting a series of lists to make sure I don’t forget anything.  No one does my functions, so if I don’t do it, it will not get done. 

I have lists of deadlines at work, of what to pack, of gifts to buy, of people to contact, and on and on.  I am about to start a list to track all my lists ;-).  I love making lists.  It makes me feel that I am, somewhat, in control of things.  

“You need to make time for your family no matter what happens in your life” ― Matthew Quick, The Silver Linings Playbook

Let the shopping and packing start.  There are a lot things to buy to take home. The most requested items are: vitamins and supplements, Victoria Secret’s body lotions, Lindt Chocolates. I will also brings bagels and pita chips for the family.

Similar to how I felt about the vaccine, I was unsure about traveling to Brazil.  Then, at the moment I bought the tickets, it just felt right. AS if everything fell in place, and all is right in the world.

I feel blessed, yet again, for the freedom of coming and going.  Mask or no mask!

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” ― Marcel Proust

 

Burgundy hair and fashion rings do not spell romance

Tags

, , , , ,

 

On Friday I met Flexible Guy.  Flexible as in easy-going, not as in bendy; which he probably is also.  

We were scheduled to meet at Dubrovnik Restaurant at 6pm. He called me and let me know that he was going to be 15 minutes late.  It was going to take him 2 hours driving. I was walking 5 minutes.  That is fair! 😉 I am worth it.

I got there at 6pm to make sure to secure our table.  I was seated at the covered patio upstairs. To sit outside, in the beautiful courtyard, was out of the question. It was too windy, and with a chance of rain.

He came in 10 minutes later. In the meantime I had got acquainted with the couple on the next table. They were an elderly couple. The man kept joking and the woman pretending she was upset with his jokes. So cute to see.

My date walked in and I got up and gave him a hug.  I am a hugger.  He looked like his pictures. His hair was a weird color, which I asked him about it.  It was by design and not an accident.  I don’t like orangey burgundy hair on anyone, but he did manage to pull it off.  

He was wearing some huge rings.  One was a skull, one was an eagle and one looked like claws.  I liked them.  I like people that have unique style, and don’t care what people think.  

“There never as been, nor will there ever be, another like you. Your singular perspective may patch some small hole in the vast tattered fabric of humanity. Uniqueness alone, however, does not make you valuable. If you don’t do, if you don’t dare, then you rob the world — and yourself–of the chance to contribute something meaningful.” ― Ryder Carroll

It was a Croatian restaurant. Fish reigns there. They bring a platter with a variety of seafood, table side, to explain each one in detail.  It was a 5 minutes explanation on each type of fish and shellfish.

I didn’t care for any of the appetizers, as they were mostly shellfish, so we split some grilled vegetables to start.  For the main course I had the branzino with risotto.  He had the red snapper with potatoes and Swiss chard.  For dessert I had the chocolate cake that was made with almond flour, almonds and orange.  He had the Kremsnita, a puffy pastry with vanilla custard cream.  

Everything was delicious.  The only thing that was lackluster was the drinks.  The bartender had no idea what he was doing. I don’t like to send anything back, food or drink, but I had to send the cosmopolitan back.  Even after I doctored it with more cranberry juice, it was awful. I just got the prosecco instead, and my date had a dirty martini.  

After a few hours, the manager offered to give us a free drink if we chose to go to the bar so they could sit another party.  I was okay with that, we were already done and ready to go anyway.  We just sat at the bar so he could settle the bill..  We both declined the free drink.

We had a great time, talking and laughing.  Unfortunately there was no chemistry for me.  He wanted to go on a second date, but I don’t want him to drive another 2 hours when I already know that I have no interest in romance. If he lived closer we would probably go out again as friends. 

“And what is a kiss, specifically? A pledge properly sealed, a promise seasoned to taste, a vow stamped with the immediacy of a lip, a rosy circle drawn around the verb ‘to love.’ A kiss is a message too intimate for the ear, infinity captured in the bee’s brief visit to a flower, secular communication with an aftertaste of heaven, the pulse rising from the heart to utter its name on a lover’s lip: ‘Forever.”― Edmond Rostand,  Cyrano de Bergerac

The woman from the office next door came over to ask me how my date went.  Yes, I do announce to all that will listen when I am going on a date. 🙂  Well, not really, but I am the type that if you ask me what I am doing tonight I will tell you exactly what.

I just simply said that it was good but there will not be a second date.  Some people don’t understand why I don’t want to go on a second date, and see if anything develops. To me, it is there or isn’t there.  It is that simple.  She insisted, asking me Why? why? over and over.

“Because I don’t want to kiss him” – I said.  She burst out laughing.  I was not trying to be funny.  If I don’t see myself potentially kissing someone, then I don’t want to waste my time or theirs.  Of course, relationships are not only about that, but if that is missing, then there is no future. 

Sorry David  https://dfolstad58.wordpress.com/ ,  Once again I didn’t take a single picture of my food or the restaurant 😦  The picture at the top was found online, it is of their courtyard.

“The saddest word
in the whole wide world
is the word almost.

He was almost in love.
She was almost good for him.
He almost stopped her.
She almost waited.
He almost lived.
They almost made it.”
― Nikita Gill

The Dream, The Dreamer, The Inflexible and The Flexible

Tags

, , , , , ,

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all
of which have the potential to turn a life around.” -― 
Leo F. Buscaglia

Date with The Dream: This guy looks exactly like a picture I have on my vision board.  I don’t have a type, but I wanted my board to have the picture of someone symbolizing a partner.  So I cut the face of a guy from an ad in a magazine.  This guy looks exactly like this picture.  It is uncanny.  It felt somewhat like faith when he contacted me.

We exchanged messages for months, even though he lives not too far from me.  He may have been concerned with Covid. He is 8 years younger and a professional photographer.

We met at La Herradura for dinner and drinks.  I was happy to see that he looked exactly like his picture.  He was sweet, and such a gentleman.

BUT, for some reason his speech and mannerisms were very distracting to me.  It detracted from his image.  I don’t think I would be able to date him and not want to change him.  I have the combination of an accent and a lisp, so I am well aware of the hypocrisy here.

I have learned about photo shoots, and working with clay. I had fun, good food, and we parted as friends.

“We are all hypocrites. We cannot see ourselves or judge ourselves the way we see and judge others.”― José Emilio Pacheco

Date with the Dreamer:  This man is 54 years old, and has lived in different parts of the country.  He is now in Pennsylvania to help with his parents.  I appreciate that!

He is very smart and well read, full of ideas for the future.  He wants to write a few books and shared his ideas with me.  I admire his ambition but it seems that he has lot of ideas, and not enough action.

We had a fun time over appetizers and drinks at Maria’s Restaurant, but not enough chemistry to embark on a long-distance relationship.

I learned about all his interesting book ideas, and also parted as friends.

“Once the soul awakens, the search begins and you can never go back. From then on, you are inflamed with a special longing that will never again let you linger in the lowlands of complacency and partial fulfillment. The eternal makes you urgent. You are loath to let compromise or the threat of danger hold you back from striving toward the summit of fulfillment.” -― John O’Donohue

Date with the Inflexible ex-cop:  He is my age, in great shape, takes very good care of his appearance; and apparently of his home.  He is retired from the police force and now works in security.

We met for coffee at R Café & Tea Boutique.  We spoke about everything for a couple of hours.  It was clear that even though he was a great guy, he is not for me.  He seemed a bit too set on his ways, inflexible in some areas.  I guess so am I.  I may be guilty of hypocrisy again ☹

I have learned about home improvements, and also of the struggles between a father and his adult children.  We parted as friends.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ― Rumi

Date with the Flexible Gym Guy.  Tonight, I will be going to dinner with a 45-year-old tech guy.  That is, if he doesn’t annoy me too much with the request for pictures. He often sends me pictures of himself while out driving, exercising, whatever. Then he asks me to send one in return.

I never did, and the more he asks the more I don’t want to do it.  Yesterday I sent a picture of the crystals and rocks I have on my desk.  Perhaps he got the message finally.  I am not into exchanging pictures before meeting, and won’t feel pressured to do so.

He seems very intelligent, and plays the guitar.  He is very focused on his body lately.  He has a personal trainer and goes to the gym religiously.  He says he is at his best, as far as strength and flexibility. I am not that into exercise lately, so perhaps it is good to meet someone that is.  Maybe it will rub off on me.

Stay tuned for the details of the date.

“If you limit your choice only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise.” ― Robert Fritz

You deserve more. Don’t settle for less.

Tags

, , , ,

“Accept yourself, love yourself, and keep moving forward. If you want to fly, you have to give up what weighs you down.” ― Roy T. Bennett

My great friend Anthony sent me the text below.  It has been ascribed to Anthony Hopkins, but I am not really sure the source.  I just love it and wanted to share. 

′′Let go of the people who are not prepared to love you. This is the hardest thing you will have to do in your life and it will also be the most important thing. Stop having hard conversations with people who don’t want change.

Stop showing up for people who have no interest in your presence. I know your instinct is to do everything to earn the appreciation of those around you, but it’s a boost that steals your time, energy, mental and physical health.

When you begin to fight for a life with joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be ready to follow you in this place. This doesn’t mean you need to change who you are, it means you should let go of the people who aren’t ready to accompany you.

If you are excluded, insulted, forgotten or ignored by the people you give your time to, you don’t do yourself a favor by continuing to offer your energy and your life. The truth is, that you are not for everyone and not everyone is for you.

That’s what makes it so special when you meet people who reciprocate love. You will know how precious you are.

The more time you spend trying to make yourself loved by someone who is unable to, the more time you waste depriving yourself of the possibility of this connection to someone else.

There are billions of people on this planet and many of them will meet with you at your level of interest and commitment.

The more you stay involved with people who use you as a pillow, a background option or a therapist for emotional healing, the longer you stay away from the community you want.

Maybe if you stop showing up, you won’t be wanted. Maybe if you stop trying, the relationship will end. Maybe if you stop texting your phone will stay dark for weeks. That doesn’t mean you ruined the relationship; it means the only thing holding it back was the energy that only you gave to keep it. This is not love, it’s attachment. It’s wanting to give a chance to those who don’t deserve it. You deserve so much, there are people who should not be in your life.

The most valuable thing you have in your life is your time and energy, and both are limited. When you give your time and energy, it will define your existence.
When you realize this, you begin to understand why you are so anxious when you spend time with people, in activities, places or situations that don’t suit you and shouldn’t be around you, your energy is stolen.

You will begin to realize that the most important thing you can do for yourself and for everyone around you is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else. Make your life a safe haven, in which only ′′compatible′′ people are allowed.

You are not responsible for saving anyone. You are not responsible for convincing them to improve. It’s not your work to exist for people and give your life to them! If you feel bad, if you feel compelled, you will be the root of all your problems, fearing that they will not return the favours you have granted. It’s your only obligation to realize that you are the love of your destiny and accept the love you deserve.

Decide that you deserve true friendship, commitment, true and complete love with healthy and prosperous people. Then wait and see how much everything begins to change. Don’t waste time with people who are not worth it. Change will give you the love, the esteem, happiness and the protection you deserve.

“How would your life be different if…You stopped allowing other people to dilute or poison your day with their words or opinions? Let today be the day…You stand strong in the truth of your beauty and journey through your day without attachment to the validation of others” ― Steve Maraboli

From ghosting to gaslighting, to goodbye

Tags

, , , , ,

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” ― Alexander Pope

P. is out of the hospital and home recuperating. It is disappointing how I found out.

I hadn’t heard any updates from his sister or his friend.  Originally I was alternating sending daily texts and messages on OKCupid.  Then it was every couple of days.  I didn’t want to be overwhelming.  My messages were short and all it said was something like: “I hope you are getting better. Sending prayers.”

I imagined that he would be happy to see that there was someone thinking of him and wishing him well, as I would.  I thought that once he could get to his phone he would send me a note.  Not that I thought we would resume dating where we left off.  I thought we could be friends and go from there.   His focus should be on his health. 

Imagine my surprise when I logged on the dating site on Sunday morning and saw that the green light next to his name was on, meaning he was online. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, perhaps somebody had his phone or computer or something.

I logged a few more times throughout the day and continued to see the green light.  Since I had been texting and messaging him all along it made no sense to text him again, so I texted his friend.

I was surprised.  Clearly, Peter has been getting my messages. I wonder why not say anything. Even if just to make me go away.  Say something like: “I am out of the hospital and resting.  I will be in touch when I am well.”

His friend seemed to imply I was bothering.  I took the hint. Case closed.

An hour later Peter wrote. Clearly his friend let him know I texted him.  At the top is my last text to him from 6 days earlier.  I don’t think I was over the top with the texting amount and content.



I didn’t reply.  Ten minutes later he messaged on OKCupid saying the same thing. I didn’t reply there either.  Clearly, he only texted me because his friend said something.

Just now, as I am writing this, I noticed that he sent me that text yesterday (it was an extra busy day yesterday). It changes nothing for me.

This chapter is done. I am glad he is out of the hospital and doing well. 

Later, still on Sunday, his friend wrote again:

WHAT?  He is surprised I am concerned?  He is the one that tracked me down on the dating site to let me know Peter was in the hospital.  Peter is the one that was already planning dinners and trips; and talking to friends and family about me.

This, to me, is an example of gaslighting.  Making it seem like I imagined things.   I didn’t reply.  

Then last night, he wrote again:

Offended? no.  Annoyed? yes.  But not worth the time and energy explaining to him that he was out of line. It is best to just move on.

I replied this morning:

It is indeed all good.  Everything is always good, and it is always as it is meant to be.  There are lessons here and I will eventually learn them.  But I will continue treating people as I want to be treated. I can live with that regret.

My disappointment is not because of another potential romance that has failed.  A romance failure just means I am getting closer and closer to the real thing.  I am disappointed that Peter couldn’t have had the decency and kindness of reaching out before being forced to.  He left me wondering if he was dead or alive. In the meantime he was checking the dating site.

NEXT!

“If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment.” ― Henry David Thoreau

In other news, life is busy and I still manage to go on a couple of dates that I will be writing about next. Stay tuned, this rollercoaster never stops for long.

 

Displaced sadness

Tags

, ,

“One person’s craziness is another person’s reality.” ― Tim Burton

On Thursday, when I called my mom, I could tell something was wrong by how she said hello.  I joked that she was not smiling when she answered the phone.  She started crying and told me she had been crying the whole day.

She proceeded to give me the terrible news. This is how she phrased it: “My faithful companion of over 30 years is broken”.

What?

She went on: “My washing machine broke down again and now they will probably not be able to fix it.  The technician is coming tomorrow but they already told me that is hard to find parts for this machine”.

I tried to talk some sense into her.  I told her that crying over material stuff was just senseless.  As I have said so many times, I told her to go buy a new, a better one.  It made her mad.  She wasn’t having any of it. 

“I have been crying,” she replied, simply, “and it has done me good. It helps a woman you know, just as swearing helps a man.” ― Horace Annesley Vachell, The Romance of Judge Ketchum

She continued: “The machines nowadays are worthless.  They don’t wash as good as this one.  She has been helping me for a long time.  There is no way I am letting anyone take her out of here.  If it is completely dead, I will find a place to keep it.”

She went on and on.

For everyone that thinks I am a Drama Queen, well, now you know who I take after.  But all kidding aside, I think this is displaced grief, displaced sadness.  The broken machine was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I believe she was crying for everything. For not being able to travel to NY.  For not being able to see my sister and I.  For losing so many acquaintances.  For not receiving the visits of her friends. For having issues with her hip that keeps her from being, her usual, active self.  And of course, for all this Covid-19 uncertainty.

It was probably good for her to cry and let all the frustration, fear and uncertainty out.  Who am I to tell her what to be sad about? Who am I to diminish her tears and pain?

The following day, Friday,  when I called, there was smile again on her hello.  She sheepishly said: “The tech came and fixed her.  He happened to bring the correct part with him”. 

She lives to see another day.

“It is a grave injustice to a child or adult to insist that they stop crying. One can comfort a person who is crying which enables him to relax and makes further crying unnecessary; but to humiliate a crying child is to increase his pain, and augment his rigidity. We stop other people from crying because we cannot stand the sounds and movements of their bodies. It threatens our own rigidity. It induces similar feelings in ourselves which we dare not express and it evokes a resonance in our own bodies which we resist.” ― Alexander Lowen, The Voices of the Body

Cute or Cruel?

Tags

, , , , ,

“Sometimes I go to God and say, “God, if Thou dost never answer another prayer while I live on this earth, I will still worship Thee as long as I live and in the ages to come for what Thou hast done already. God’s already put me so far in debt that if I were to live one million millenniums I couldn’t pay Him for what He’s done for me.” ― A.W. Tozer

P. remains in the hospital.  I didn’t get in touch with his sister again.  I reached out to his friend Pat.  Pat gives me the updates that he gets from P.’s sister.   She is very frustrated by the treatment he is getting in the hospital he is in now.  She happens to be a top nurse in the hospital where he was treated for Covid a couple of months back.

Now he is in another hospital where his sister has no say.  They tested him again for Covid.  It came back positive as it was likely it would. Because of the positive result they put him in the Covid ward and no visitors are allowed.    

I continue to send daily texts to his phone with positive messages in the off chance that he sees them.  I can’t imagine being in a hospital, disconnected from loved ones and depending on strangers. Sending prayers and good wishes every time he comes to mind.

“Within her presence, I had once been used
to feeling—trembling—wonder, dissolution;
but that was long ago. Still, though my soul,
now she was veiled, could not see her directly,
by way of hidden force that she could move,
I felt the mighty power of old love.”
― Dante Alighieri

Moving on to a man from the past. I wrote about this person before, here: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2015/08/26/a-baby-made-me-cry/ and here: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2019/05/09/eliminating-the-distractions/  and in some other posts.  I referred to him as J. or JW.  I had blocked him before but we somehow started communicating again.

He calls and texts every several months.  I normally return the call if it is regarding business.  I last spoke to him a couple of months ago and put him in touch with a colleague regarding a business idea. 

The calls are mostly friendly and always ends up with the idea of one day meeting for drinks.  I know it will not happen, but it has been always the way we end phone calls.

Out of the blue, a couple of days ago, I got the text below:

I didn’t reply, and will not reply.   I feel bad because I don’t like to ignore people.  But in this case I feel I am being the voice of reason for both of us.  I am not adding fuel to this potential fire.  I am not adding my poetic self to his fairy tale view of this almost romance.

What is the point of looking back?  I am single.  He is married.  End of story. I am not going there.  I am sure that he is probably at a point in his marriage that he is bored.  I am variety, I am spice, I am what if.

I have to be honest and say that the attention massaged my ego for a second. Someone is thinking of me, it warmed my heart.  Originally I thought it was sweet, but almost immediately felt annoyed.

“Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified?” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

 I know it may seem like it is just a text.  It is not! It is so much more.  It is the fairy-tale.  In between those lines I read so much more. It is what I dream of and search high and low for. 

My heart took a leap.  Yes, my heart is a dummy dreamer that doesn’t know the difference between lust and love.

Why play with somebody’s heart and emotions like that?  I thought it was a tad thoughtless.  I think he has this fairy-tale idea of the romance we almost lived.  I am not even sure if we would be a good match if we were ever single at the same time. But the question mark remains and it is forever enticing.

It would make a good story, star-crossed lovers that met in a train…

My sister tells me daily that I should write a book…perhaps I should, just to memorialize the eternal search for love… in all the wrong places.

Wishing you all the most amazing weekend!  May it be blessed with surprises! ♥♥

“A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is… A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in.” -― C.S. Lewis