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the bad, the good, and the past

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After a couple of days of silence, my phone now rings once a day.  No, it is not Prince Charming. The caller hangs up when I answer.  Each time is a different phone number with my same area code.  I stopped answering. Problem solved. For now.

I had been feeling unwanted but Delta Airlines came to the rescue with an email to inform me that I have been promoted to Gold Medallion Member.  I don’t think it means much more than my old Silver status, but I still feel special.  I am easy.

“Just as a snake sheds its skin, we must shed our past over and over again.” ― Gautama Buddha

On Friday I got an email from an email address I didn’t recognize.  This person called me by name and wanted to reconnect.  As I searched my inbox I was able to find one email that we had exchanged in 2015 that didn’t say much but it seemed that we had exchanged a lot flirtatious messages in the past.

After a few back and forth emails where I kept asking for more information it was clear that he was intent on not telling me who he was.  I was curious and didn’t like being in the dark and feeling vulnerable.  I was tempted to continue emailing to try to figure out who he was.

There was curiosity, but there was also hope.   Hope as in the idea of romance and fairy-tale.  It goes like this: this charming admirer from the past realized that he cannot live without me. He comes back, sweeps me off of my feet and we live happily ever after.

I was curious but had no interest on playing his one-sided game.  I stopped replying.  The real power is not in having the last word, but in fighting the urge to engage.  I no longer need to have the last word. I refuse to waste my time, energy, heart and hope on stupidity and distractions.

There is a reason this guy was left in 2015.  I don’t need to be reminded of what that reason was.  It is always tempting to revisit the past.  Even if dysfunctional it is always comforting and familiar.  Happily, this time I am choosing the future, not the past.

As I often say:  Let’s make new mistakes, learn new lessons!

“Can’t you give me brains?” asked the Scarecrow.
“You don’t need them. You are learning something every day. A baby has brains, but it doesn’t know much. Experience is the only thing that brings knowledge, and the longer you are on earth the more experience you are sure to get.” ― L. Frank Baum

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When every call is an annoyance

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Today I have been inundated with phone calls of people trying to talk about refinancing a mortgage.  Inundated is an exaggeration, but by 12 pm I had received 8 phone calls and 2 texts. It has been quiet now for the past 2 hours so perhaps this is it.

I only answered all the calls because I am waiting for a phone call from my condominium’s board and I am not sure what number they are calling from. Incidentally they haven’t called yet.

On the last call I was told that someone probably wrote the number incorrectly when they requested a quote from Lendingtree.com.

That is a plausible explanation, but I have an alternative one. Perhaps that is still the result of giving my number to that guy (or girl or robot) that disappeared.  Perhaps he put my number in some mailing list somewhere, or still, a third explanation is that somebody did this on purpose to interrupt my day and annoy me.

I am probably overthinking it! But that is what I do.

Why can’t I get a call from the Publishers Clearing House saying I won a million dollars? Why can I get a call from a headhunter offering me an amazing job with 6 weeks vacation and signing bonus? Why can’t that one special guy that is perfect for me call me?

I never entered those sweepstakes. I am not in the market for a new job. That guy is just delayed somewhere or I have been looking for him in the wrong places.  Or perhaps he has arrived and I missed him.  I could go on and on about that last one. 🙂

The rest of my life feels overwhelming, so I am breathing in and out slowly.  Just putting one step in front of the other.  Not complaining, just stating a feeling. Still blessed beyond belief!!

A Joe, a Jerk and an Unapologetically Aries

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“We are all hypocrites. We cannot see ourselves or judge ourselves the way we see and judge others.” ― José Emilio Pacheco

Joe. He is one of the Joe’s I wrote about the other day.  I was not sure I like the idea of being asked out just because it was convenient.  I was not excited about him romantically either. For those reasons I didn’t think a second date would happen.

But it did! It happened because it was convenient – oh the hypocrisy of it all! Shame on me!

Here is my reasoning:  I was not excited about him romantically, but I did have a nice time on the date.  I figured a second meeting wouldn’t hurt, especially since all I had to do was to walk across the street to the same restaurant from the first date.

We had a good time, as we had had the first date.  We talked and joked the whole time but there was no romantic vibes.  Third date?  no, but I am open to meeting as friends.

***

“I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail.”  – ― Abraham Maslow, 

The jerk and the unapologetic Aries

The jerk is a 57 yr old attorney and the unapologetic Aries is me.   We made plans to meet a couple of times and he flaked.  When I said I didn’t want to meet him anymore he asked for another chance and I said ok.

I met him at a Mexican Restaurant near my home. It started off fine with us making some small talk.  He did some complaining about the ex-wife, which is a huge turn off for me, but I was able to change the subject.

Then he mentioned that Aries people are very difficult. He proceeded to tell me all the ways people born under the sign of Aries are extremely difficult to get along with, specially with a Sagittarius(him).  He said that I showed how difficult I was when I had decided not to meet him because he had canceled last minute twice.  He went on and on.

I agreed with him.  I don’t think he expected that.  I think he expected an argument.  Why would I try to disagree with him?  It wouldn’t change anything.  It would just make me not enjoy my food.  I ordered the skirt steak and I was looking forward to it.

Aries people can indeed be difficult people.  We are impatient and opinionated.  We are impulsive and think we know it all.  We are also great leaders, fiercely independent, passionate lovers and generous to a fault.

Instead of defending Arieses (is this really the plural of Aries, just seems such a funny word), I asked him questions about Astrology.  He seemed to know a lot about it.  I did ask him why did he want to meet me since, according to him, we were not a match?  He said he was open minded.  I laughed.

Certain traits are definitely more distinguished among people of a same sign, that is for sure. I have been able to guess some people’s signs just by the way they conducted themselves.  Every sign has its good and bad traits, but to generalize and make assumptions like he did is troublesome and unfair.

Two of my favorite people are Sagittarius. We have an amazing relationship. So Sagittarius and Aries can get along.

I am so happy to be an Aries!  I think it is the best sign in the zodiac!  🙂

He came in ready to dislike me.  He succeeded in that and more.  I didn’t like him either.  The skirt steak however, was divine!

“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” ― Isaac Asimov

 

Can online dating lead to scam phone calls?

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I think so!

I have been on dating sites on and off for a long time.  By now I am a pro, or so I like to believe. I go out of my way to be safe and not take chances.  I can normally spot a fake, phony or scam profile a mile away.

But as we are getting smarter online so are the scammers.

In the past I rarely gave my phone number out before meeting someone.  Lately I am more lax about it. If I believe that the person is a real person and serious about meeting I will normally talk or text him before meeting.

I don’t go only by my instincts.  I Google pictures, phone number, parts of the profile, etc.  I play detective, something I enjoy.  It is amazing what one can find online if one digs far enough.

Last week, after I did all my research and thought it was safe, I sent a text to a guy that I had been exchanging messages online.  He never replied.  I looked at his online profile and he was gone. It was very odd.  That had never happened to me before.

I wondered what was the deal.  Why would someone just want my phone number? What for?

This week I think I found out.

Yesterday I got 2 phone calls from 800-325-0778.  A recording said it was from the Social Security Administration and that my social security number was going to be suspended. I was instructed to hit 1 to get more information. Of course I didn’t.

Today I got 2 phones calls from 800-538-9983.  A recording said it was from Apple and that my iCloud account was compromised.  Again I was told to press 1 for more information. Again I didn’t.

I don’t think it is a coincidence.  I think those phone calls are related to the guy that wanted my number and once he got it he disappeared.

1.  If you are online dating, do not give your number out unless you think you know who the person really is. That is what I always did and I will go back to being more strict.

2. If you receive a phone call regarding something sensitive such as social security, credit card, cell phone, etc, never press 1 or any other button.  Just hang up as fast as you can.

3.  Never engage in telephone conversation with anyone that calls with alarming news/information and requesting your personal information. Never ever give out personal information over the phone.

4. Don’t ever call the same number that called you even if seems legit.  Phone numbers can be spoofed and appear legit.  When in doubt it is always best to call the appropriate agency or company directly.

and on that note, I will share the link to a post I wrote years ago about spotting fake profiles: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2016/10/27/how-to-spot-a-fake-dating-profile/

Living, learning and adapting ♥

“Be silent and safe — silence never betrays you; 
Be true to your word and your work and your friend; 
Put least trust in him who is foremost to praise you,
Nor judge of a road till it draw to the end.” 
― John Boyle O’Reilly

 

Trying to enjoy the process without rushing to get results

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“I can hardly wait for tomorrow, it means a new life for me each and every day.” ― Stanley Kunitz

This month I am doing some work around my apartment.  I live in a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment measuring a little over 1,000 square feet.

It started with decided to replace some windows and now I keep adding to the list of things to do/buy.

I wish I had taken some “before” pictures so that later I could proudly show the “after”.  The before was not so bad.  The last time my apartment was painted was in the beginning of 2015. The paint is still good but since I am changing the carpeting and windows in some rooms I decided to do the painting also.

I have ordered new windows for my sister’s bedroom and the living room.  The current windows look great but they are drafty and don’t close correctly.  The one in my bedroom is the one that works the best and also the one that would be the most expensive since it is rounded at the top and it has to be custom ordered.  For those reasons I am leaving that one alone for now.

While I am waiting for the windows to be ready to install I am getting the painting done.  After the painting is done then the carpet will be replaced in the bedrooms.  I would love to have hardwood floors in the bedrooms but carpet it is less noisy on my neighbor downstairs and it is cozier in the winter.

My sister’s bedroom is a very pale yellow now with dirty beige carpet that doesn’t clean no matter how many times it gets watched.  It will now be a light gray/blue walls with gray carpeting.

My sister’s bathroom will remain dark blue with a fresh coat of painting.

My bedroom has sage walls with light beige carpeting.  It will be white walls with new beige carpeting.  I normally don’t care for white walls but I will bring color and personality with all the paintings I have.  The worst that can happen is that I hate the white and have it repainted another color.

My bathroom will be repainted the same colors it has currently. It will continue to be a light mustardy/yellow color with a small accent area of brick color.

The living room has chair rail, the bottom part is the color of brick and the top is a very light cream color.  It will now be blood red on the bottom and white on top.  I just adore red on the wall but haven’t been able to replicate the blood red color I had in an apartment once.  I am trying again.

The kitchen is very light beige/cream and it will be the same color.  It will just get a fresh color of paint.

My TV and microwave both died.  I replaced the TV a month ago and I just ordered a new microwave. I don’t use that much but it is mounted about the stove so I want to make sure I have all appliances working properly.

I will be replacing my 2 chairs round table with a 4 chair s square table.  I have that in my storage area, so if I don’t like I am just going to return it there or give it away. Even though the round table is much nicer, I miss the seating for 4 when I have people over.

I am also thinking about ordering a couple of bookcases to put on each side of the TV.

All the paintings currently on the wall will all change locations or be replaced with other ones I have.  My mother paints, so I have a lot of her paintings.

My apartment will continue to be a crazy mixture of styles and stuff.   I am okay with that because I am a crazy mixture myself.

The only problem at the moment is trying to relax.  I am results driven.  I don’t have patient for the journey and the details.  I can’t deal with too many options.  I find myself just wanting the painter to choose the colors and the carpet guy to decide on the carpet type.

Give me important decisions and I am able to decide right away, but present me with multiple wall colors and types of carpeting and I go crazy.  When given more than 2 options I freeze.

The painting started today and I am already thinking about cutting the painting short. I just want order.

I am repeating to myself: Enjoy the process!

The painter just sent me a picture of my sister’s bedroom wall.

Before

After

 

The past that is trying to be present

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“If it’s over, then don’t let the past screw up the rest of your life.” ― Nicholas Sparks

This is again about Ex.  To summarize he is the guy that treated me as a princess then broke my heart by cheating on me.  He refused to try to work on the relationship and asked me to move out. It hurt me so much that I thought I was actually going to die of a broken heart.

I hadn’t heard from him since I sold the car back to him a couple of years ago.  I was ready not to hear from him ever again.  Then he resurfaced in March.  I wrote about here: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2019/03/29/cruel-or-just-clueless/

When he emailed in March I just ignored.  Then a week ago he texted saying he had a new number and asking my sister and I out again.  I didn’t respond.  A couple of days later he wrote again mentioning he wanted to tell me some stories that his kids told him.

I ignored him again, but I am getting really annoyed at him writing as if he is my friend. We are not. He is page from the past and that is where I want him to stay.

Today I typed him a reply because his message was still bothering me. I never sent it. I will continue to chose silence as a response.

But is that the best response for me?

I feel there is so much I want to say to him, even though I have already said so much years ago.  I think I feel that way because he never really listened. I can say all I want as many times I want and still it will not get through.  He believes the stories he tells himself.

Most of all, all I ever wanted was for him to apologize, to take ownership for hurting me.  He apologized but not for cheating on me.  He gave me a lame “I am sorry I was not the man you needed me to be”.  I agree, I needed a man that was honest and loyal and he was neither.

Is there a reason that the past keeps coming back? Is there still anything I need to confront and come to terms with it? ? Why does he still have the power to annoy me?

Should I meet him?

“Let today be the day you finally release yourself from the imprisonment of past grudges and anger. Simplify your life. Let go of the poisonous past and live the abundantly beautiful present… today.” ― Steve Maraboli

Two fun weekends and two guys named Joe

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“Reclaim your curiosity, your sense of adventure, and have some fun. Don’t take every moment of your life so seriously. Allow yourself to enjoy life.” ― Akiroq Brost

A little glimpse of what I have been doing the last couple of weeks, when I was not too busy texting a married guy (a little self-deprecation humor never hurts)

Work:  I sent the final response letter to the auditors yesterday.  I thought this day would never come.  I hope this response is acceptable and I won’t hear from them for another few years.   Now I am preparing for a lot changes at work. I will be talking more about it in the next month or so.

My sister and I had a busy couple of weekends with friends visiting.

July 20th. A 27 year old friend of mine came for the weekend. On Saturday we went to a Quiet Clubbing/Silent Disco event at 230 Fifth Ave in Manhattan.  We were given headphones with 3 stations.  There were 3 DJs and we got to choose which one to listen to.  I had fun flipping from station to station and when it all got too much I just removed the headphones and silence reigned.  It was a fun experience.  On Sunday we went for brunch at Chat 19 in Larchmont, NY.  Always a favorite place to go to for a meal.

July 27th. A 57 year old friend of my sister visited.  On Saturday we went to a new restaurant I wanted to try: Little Drunken Chef in White Plains, NY.  It was a fun atmosphere and great food. We had, among other things, the empanadas in the picture above.  After that we went to the Empire City Casino.  No big win, but no big loss either.  On Sunday we had pizza at Colony Pizza in Port Chester, NY.  It was my first time eating their pizza in over 20 years.  It is a very thin crust, delicious! I also had the best prosecco ever, in the picture below!

Dates: In the past week I had 2 dates with guys named Joe.

First Joe.  He is 50 years old. He is in IT and has a young son. We met at Modern Restaurant in New Rochelle.  We shared a pizza.  He seems very nice, but is constantly busy even to reply to texts.  It seems more like lack of interest.  He asked me out for drinks next Monday night because he will be in my area for business.  I am not sure I like the idea of being asked out just because it is convenient.  I was not excited about him to begin with, so I think the second date will not happen.

Second Joe.  He is 65 years old. He is semi-retired accountant. We met at Burrata in White Plains, NY.  I had delicious short ribs filled pasta dish.   The conversation was great until it turned to politics.  I am not a fan of Trump but I am respectful of other people’s opinion.  He is a hardcore Trump fan.  He detests immigrants, but as he says it, from certain countries only, trying to tell me that Brazilians are okay, but Guatemalans are not.  He wanted to go on and on about Trump to try to change my mind.  I asked him to stop.  I said I understood both sides of the immigration debate, and I do.  I said I hope that Trump is successful as I love the US but it would be a waste of time to try to change how I feel about him.  Finally I was able to change the subject and it seemed that we were able to forget about politics and enjoy dinner.

I got home and sent a text thanking him for dinner.  He replied the next morning with a long list of compliments about me, with everything from smart to funny and everything else in between.  Then there was just silence.  I was not excited about him but I decided to confront the silence.  That is a new thing for me.  I would normally just ignore, since silence is an answer in itself but I decided to ask what happened.

He replied with, again, many compliments but said that he was no sure about me because of our political separation. He said he loved Trump and he was not happy about Obama.  Why did Obama make an appearance in this conversation I don’t know.  I said thank you for the explanation and wished him luck.

Next!

“Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.” ― Roy T. Bennett

Right before that little distraction can lead to disaster and destruction

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“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” ― Steve Maraboli

I almost didn’t write this post.  It is embarrassing. I should know better.  I know better!  And yet I make a fool of myself and all that I believe in.  I try to be a good person and, dare I say, I often succeed. But I am not proud of what I am about to tell you.

A couple of months ago I have wrote this post about eliminating the distractions from my life: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2019/05/09/eliminating-the-distractions/

I wanted to get rid of all the stuff and the people that were not contributing anything positive to my life and that were keeping me from focusing on what is really important in my life. I felt liberated and powerful when I blocked those 3 guys I mentioned on the post.

Somehow I still got a text from AL the other day.  I could have ignored it, but I replied.  The idea of him is still so enticing to me even though I haven’t seen him since he got engaged, 3 years ago.  The power of ‘what could have been” if I was not 17 years older than he is still keeps ringing in my ear.

“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.” ― Lyndon B. Johnson

We dated for over 6 months and it was some of the best times of my life. He didn’t say we stopped seeing each other because of the age difference but I know that it had a lot to do with it.  He got busy with a new business venture and we slowly drifted apart. One day I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said yes.

We still saw each other from time to time, mostly as friends.  Then he told me he got engaged and I chose to never see him again.  I also asked him to stopped texting me, but after almost a year of silence we started texting again.  Then he got married. Again I tried to stop the texting and we would go long stretches not texting, months and months, but I would always end up giving in.

“When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Then as I mentioned on that post,  I made the decision to block some people, and somehow his text arrived.  He sent a text commenting about a soccer game, I replied.  After talking about soccer we were right back to where we always go back to: the memories of the amazing times we had.  The chemistry we have seems to be bigger than us.

This time, as he had done in the past, he asked me out for a drink to catch up. This time unlike I have done so many times in the past, I said yes.  We scheduled for last Wednesday night. I was excited about seeing him again. For a brief moment I allowed myself to forget he was married.  I was lying to myself that it was just a drink with a friend. I was making all kinds of stories in my mind on why it was okay to meet him.  I was holding on to memories of a fun, free time.

“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.” ― Rick Warren

I was lying to myself and I knew it.  We would never be able to sit across from each other and just have a drink, even though we have done it in the past.  There is too much tension now, too much flirting, and too many innuendos.  The time apart created this enormous tension.

Was I ready to kiss a married man?  I knew in my heart that would be the outcome.  I was telling myself that if he is this eager perhaps he is not even married anymore.  We never talked about the wife after he got engaged.  As if not talking about her made her didn’t exist.

This drink held so much potential…potential for destruction.

He was more insistent than normal. He was more full of innuendos, texting me more, everything more.  My gut was trying to tell me something, as if knowing he was married was not something big enough to stop me on my tracks. I sensed something else.  I figured it was my conscience telling me to stop. I sensed doom.

I can’t explain what made me do it, but the day before meeting him I Googled his wife’s name.

BOOM!  There it was!  It hit me like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden saying no to him became so easy.  All of a sudden I woke up from that dreamy stupor of “what if”.  I came face to face with a Baby registry. AL and his wife are about to have a baby in 3 months.

“Men more frequently require to be reminded than informed.” ― Samuel Johnson

I shouldn’t have been shocked but I was. Here he was, trying to meet me while  he has a pregnant wife at home. I immediately asked him and he said: yes, I was saving the news to tell you when we met.

What??? Like that was some great news to me worth celebrating. Like that was really what he had in mind for this meeting.

In 1 second I lost all respect I ever had for him.  And for me!

Don’t get me wrong.  I am happy for him but so grossed out that I almost met him. So grossed out and embarrassed by all my flirting. I should have stopped all this, I don’t even know what to call this.  I should have stopped years ago.

It shouldn’t take a baby to make see all that is wrong with this.  But I do thank that baby for waking me up.

“I demolish my bridges behind me…then there is no choice but to move forward” ― Fridtjof Nansen

I think that for a little bit I just didn’t think and allowed the past memories to take over me.  Whatever excuse I use now it is just that, excuses.  I was willing to meet a married man under the guise of friendship knowing fully well that we both wanted more than just talk.

I can’t let my guard down. I have to stop leaving the door of the past open.  I have to close doors and implode bridges.  I can’t live trying to relive the past.  I have to deal with my reality, with being 53, with being single, and yearning for more.  But wait, don’t cry for me, my reality is pretty sweet. It is just a case of “greener grass”.  I have real grass and the other side AstroTurf.

I said that to him I couldn’t meet him.  And that was that.  There was no big good bye.  There was no declaration of never texting again, there was none of that, and still it was as final as ever. My final words were: “whatever you do, be careful.  You have a lot to lose!”

My lesson is: I need to be watchful of my words, intentions and actions.  Every action has a consequence that often goes beyond myself.  I am embarrassed that I continued flirting with someone that was not available.  I know better.  I know the pain of being cheated on. I know right from wrong.  The blame is all on me. Nobody had a gun to my head forcing me to reply to him.

Oh well, live, learn and try to do better next time.  Good bye past, I have a future to get to!

“It is important that we forgive ourselves for making mistakes. We need to learn from our errors and move on.” ― Steve Maraboli

When the subject is dating, B is history

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I don’t know what happened exactly but it probably had to do with the 2 questions/points I brought up on the last date. After that conversation he was calling and texting less often, which is what I wanted.  I felt I could breathe and for a second I felt this relationship would have a chance.  I was wrong.

Last night I received a call from him.  He sounded serious and said he wanted to be honest with me and share some thoughts he was having.  I knew in my heart that he didn’t want a relationship anymore even before he said anything.

He said that he had been thinking about “us” and remembered things he had learned in therapy.  He said there was competition between us and that reminded him of his ex-wife.  I was just going to let him speak without interruption, but I had to ask: Competition?  What competition? I am a competitive person, but not when it comes to dating.  He then back pedaled and said that he didn’t mean “competition”, he meant conflict, he meant that we are not on the same level.

Was he trying to say that I was competing with him financially? I was not.  We have different styles.  At any rate I didn’t see the need to argue the point with him.  At the end of the day he wants to stop seeing me and I agree with that.  No sense in splitting hairs.

I let him speak some more.  He was talking a mile a minute, as if he was trying to assure himself he was doing the right thing or perhaps he was trying to find the right words to let me down easy, the “it is me, not you” type of thing.

He didn’t have to. I am weirdly relieved. Back to the comfort of single-hood. Back to searching.

At one point, when it seemed that he was just making the same point over and over again, I thanked him for his honesty and wished him luck.

And I meant it, he an awesome guy, I wish him the best.  There is a right person for him, but I am not the one.

He immediately blocked me on the dating site.  I don’t get!  A day ago he acted as if I was the love of his life, today I am persona non-grata. Oh well…But perhaps I understand it. Perhaps he wants to make sure that there is no turning back.

I still think I did the right thing by speaking up about what was giving me concern about pursuing a relationship with him.  Was it too early to talk about things? I think it is never too early.  I believe in honesty and kindness. The only kind thing to do is to be honest.

He probably learned not to be too eager, or appear too needy, or disclose his finances on the first date.  I learned…I am not sure what I learned, but I know there is always a lesson. Oftentimes more than one.

“Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape — all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can’t stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.”  ― Pema Chödrön

He survived the third date. Will there be a fourth?

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The third date with B was on Wednesday night.  We went to a new restaurant in my town called Maria.  The place was beautiful and cozy, the food and service was good.  I would go back.

I met B in front of my building.  He brought me the roses in the picture above.  He opens car doors, he pulls chairs, he laughs at all of my jokes, he looks adoringly at me.  He is a gentleman.

But something still seems to keep me from investing 100% of me into this relationship.  I overthink things.  I think in terms of months down the road.

I can think of 2 reasons why I would be hesitant:

  1. I am afraid of getting hurt. I want to say that is not the case, but could it be?
  2. I am afraid of hurting him. For sure I would rather break things off now if I know that I am going to end up hurting him. Will I be able to like him the same way that he seems to like me?

It seems that I went from having my heart do all the talking to now just having my mind completely take over. I am lost without my heart to guide me.

I brought up to him the 2 concerns that I mentioned in the prior post.

  1. The financial issue.  I am concerned he doesn’t know how to manage his money. I am concerned that he spends frivolously instead of paying bills first.  To this he mentioned that when he was married his wife liked to spend a lot money.  He said that he tried to make her happy by buying her whatever she wanted I called him on it, after all it takes two to tango.  He said that he has learned his lesson and never uses a credit unless he has the money to pay.  His credit card bill was 70k and is now 18k.  I am keeping an open mind.
  2. Liking me a bit too much too soon.  I mentioned to him that I like attention but if it is overboard, it seems fake and he will send me running.  Jokingly, he said he will try not to like me too much.  I have noticed that since the date he has toned down the texting and calling. I feel better about it.

oh yeah, I am forgetting the best part. We kissed, and it was good!  Soft lips, gentle, and yet passionate.  I wouldn’t mind kissing him again.

At this point I am choosing to take the slow, one day at a time approach.

Stay tuned… I am!

“Hopeless heart that thrives on paradox; that longs for the beloved and is secretly relieved when the beloved is not there.” ― Jeanette Winterson, The Passion