If by Rudyard Kipling

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I needed to read this today.  Perhaps you need it to.

If—
Rudyard Kipling – 1865-1936

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings—nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run—
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

Wishing everything a blessed week! Stay strong and faithful! ♥♥♥

Hurt people hurt people, but I don’t have to

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“People of our time are losing the power of celebration. Instead of celebrating we seek to be amused or entertained. Celebration is an active state, an act of expressing reverence or appreciation. To be entertained is a passive state–it is to receive pleasure afforded by an amusing act or a spectacle…. Celebration is a confrontation, giving attention to the transcendent meaning of one’s actions.
Source: The Wisdom of Heschel”― Abraham Joshua Heschel

I woke up this morning happy as usual but with an extra spring in my step. M will be coming for dinner and movie this evening. It will be the 3 of us, including my sister. They have met each other before. Last time he dropped me off home he came up and installed a new shower head for her.

Tonight we will be celebrating his retirement from the police force. The actual date is not until June, but today it will be his last working day. He is taking 6 months off and then he will decide what to do next.

I am choosing to celebrate everything, his retirement, the weekend, good food, family and love!

We will be ordering from my favorite Italian restaurant and opening a great bottle of red wine. After dinner we will have popcorn while watching Yesterday, the movie. I predict it will be a fun night!

“I like places in which things have happened — even if they’re sad things.” ― Henry James,  The Portrait of a Lady

But, let me get back to this morning:

As I was walking through Grand Central station at 7:30am it was busy as usual. All of a sudden this guy came out of nowhere and bumped into the side of my breast and shoulder so hard that it almost knocked me off my feet. I am not sure if it was his backpack or elbow that hit me.

I turned quickly but he was moving too fast for me to see who he was. The lady behind me yelled out to him: “What a dick!!”. I am not sure if he hit her also or if she took offense to the way he bumped into me. I think it is the latter.

Please keep in mind that I bump into people and people bump into me all the time. That is what happens when you are walking in Grand Central Station at rush hour. This was not a simple bump. It felt violating and threatening.

I had no reaction other than turning around and quickly turning back and keep on moving. After all, that is the advice I gave my sister when she started working in New York City. I told her: “If someone bumps into you, don’t stop, don’t confront, keep on moving. Your life is precious to you, but they may not hold their own life in high regard.”

You never know who is mentally ill, or just ill-tempered, or looking for a fight. The amount of mentally ill people hanging around the city and the train stations have been steadily increasing. It is scary. You never know who is standing next to you.

As I continued my walk to work still feeling shocked, wronged and hurt I realized I had 2 choices. 1) I could let that incident consume me and my emotions and spoil my entire day or 2) I could shake it off and move on. I chose to move on.

“Don’t take anything Personally Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering”― Don Miguel Ruiz

I said a prayer to that person. He had issues. A) He was either in too of a hurry, with too much in his mind to even bother to slow down and say sorry or to avoid bumping into me in the first place. Or B) He chose to bump into me on purpose, which would make him a mean and miserable person.

The mean and the miserable are the ones more in need of prayers. Perhaps he has extra burdens in his life. Perhaps his mind is not all there. I am not going to pretend I know him and his life. I also don’t want to judge someone based on 1 action, but I am choosing to judge his action. It was confrontational, awful, rude,mean and painful.

This was another opportunity for me to choose love and forgiveness, not because of others but for myself. My time, heart and mind are too precious to let other occupy.

Still, God Bless him! May God lighten his load! May he see the light and choose to spread love and smiles! And thank you God for this lesson!

“Hurt people hurt people. That’s how pain patterns gets passed on, generation after generation after generation. Break the chain today. Meet anger with sympathy, contempt with compassion, cruelty with kindness. Greet grimaces with smiles. Forgive and forget about finding fault. Love is the weapon of the future.” – Yehuda Berg

How Do I Love Mosaics? Let Me Count The Ways…

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Brazilian Flag

First table“I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. He taught me that if you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it at full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good. Hot is no good either. White hot and passionate is the only thing to be.”― Roald Dahl, My Uncle Oswald

I have always loved mosaics.  I don’t know when or how this love started.  I just know that any time I see something made out of mosaics I am attracted to it.  I am hypnotized, mesmerized by it. I want to keep looking at it.

Ten years ago I bought a mosaic kit to make coasters and I used it to make the house number for the house I lived with the ex-boyfriend.  I Googled the address now and the number is still there hanging on the tree.  After that I made a couple of things here and there, pictures frames, and some other decorating items.

I want to to do more, to learn more.  There never seems to be the right time, or I don’t have the right tools, or the right place for me to work with mosaics. I thought about renting studio space to have a dedicated space to work, but balked at the idea of spending $800.00 or more per month.  It didn’t seem wise.

For 2020 I decided that I would pursue my passions in any way I could.  I count mosaic as one of my passions.  No more waiting for the right time or right circumstance.  The right moment is now.

“Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone”― Pablo Picasso

I went to Google as I have done in the past and searched for mosaic classes around me.  Funny thing is, this time a studio came up.   Even thought it has been there for 14 years it has never come up before, until now.

I went there and fell in love with the place and the owner.  I think that my affair with this studio will be a long one.  I picture myself doing mosaics non-stop, one project after another.  I am entertaining ideas of becoming a partner there in the future.  The owner has not been informed of my idea yet, but the Universe has.

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” ― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

I love the idea of getting different pieces together and creating a whole new object.  I love the idea of re-purposing broken items and creating things that are useful and/or pretty to look at.  I love that I can use any material.  I can use pebbles, wine corks, tiles, buttons, broken china, dollar store finds, anything.

The picture on the bottom is a table I did awhile back.    The picture at the top is a folding table I just finished.   I can see a lot imperfections on it but I decided to embrace them instead of redoing those areas. That is, after all, one of the reasons I love mosaics: the imperfections!

“Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.” ― Salvador Dali

We are all mosaics in a way. All imperfect and so perfect!  We are made up of parts from our parents and ancestors.  Then through lessons and experiences we are shaped. We have some parts that we think are good and some that we would love to change.

It is up to us how to better piece ourselves together.  The more imperfect, the more different, the older, the more uneven, the more colorful, the more battered by time and life,  the more used the better.  The best we can do is to accept it all.  

No matter how similar we are, even if we have an identical twin, such as in my case, we are all unique in some ways.  I don’t want to be cookie cutter anyway.

I love my mosaic qualities.  I love my shiny pieces (my victories).  I embrace my broken pieces (failures/lessons).  I accept the misshapen, the aged, the pieces that don’t quite go together.  I accept even though sometimes it is hard.  In the end it all fits and I shine.

“To banish imperfection is to destroy expression, to check exertion, to paralyze vitality.” ― John Ruskin, The Stones of Venice

No matter how broken we are or we become we can always be put together again, restored.  Not in the same exact way, but often in a better, more beautiful way.

I now think back to 7 years ago when I had my beautiful whole intact heart shattered into a million pieces. It was carelessly handled by somebody that didn’t use the same care I had with his heart.

My heart will never be the same again.  Like a diamond my heart has been cut and polished by the pain of heartache.  The pieces of my heart are melded together into a whole new stronger, less naive, heart. A heart better able to love.  A heart that understands pain is a heart that is better able to love.

I am older, wiser, fractured, lighter, ready, able, imperfect, and still so amazing.  I am choosing to embrace and accept it all.

oh yeah, and I love mosaics!

“For my part, I prefer my heart to be broken. It is so lovely, dawn-kaleidoscopic within the crack.” ― D.H. Lawrence

First table

 

Letting Silence be a Teacher

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“My thought is me: that’s why I can’t stop. I exist because I think… and I can’t stop myself from thinking. At this very moment – it’s frightful – if I exist, it is because I am horrified at existing. I am the one who pulls myself from the nothingness to which I aspire.” ― Jean-Paul Sartre, Nausea

Even though the weekend was great, there were instances when I saw expectations trying to creep in. That happened on the moments of silence.

Anytime it was quiet I could see my mind swirling with ideas of what to do and what to talk about. I would also think of what he should be doing. I expected.

I resisted those ideas. I shooed them away. I would tell myself: “all is as it is supposed to be. No need for words.”

M is on the quieter side. I think that most people are when compared to me. So in relationships I will often do most of the talking for the simple reason that silence makes me uncomfortable.

I am trying to be okay with silence and not feel that I have to fill it with unnecessary conversation.

This weekend, I tried. Any time there was silence I let it sit there. I let myself be uncomfortable. I made myself work with it.

“Silence is a source of Great Strength.” – ― Lao Tzu

Thoughts came and went. I didn’t voice them. The thoughts would come to the tip of my tongue and I would suppress them. Questions would pop up in my mind and I would purposely ignore them. It was not easy.

I thought of myself as getting stronger and stronger any time I fought the urge to speak.

It has been hard dealing with silence and not let expectations walk in. I realized that I need to be constantly entertained if I am with someone.

I cannot be together alone with my thoughts.

“Speak only if it improves upon the silence.” – Mahatma Gandhi

My thoughts are dangerous to a relationship in its infancy. My mind analyses, dissects, questions, expects. Nothing is good enough or perfect enough. Nothing will ever be as my mind conjures up. Nothing can ever compare to my expectations.

I admire people that can sit on a couch in silence and just be, with or without someone. I can’t.

Silence if I am alone is a little more bearable, but silence with another person kills me.

To me, worse than being with someone I can’t talk to, is being with someone I can’t be silent with.

“You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts.”― Kahlil Gibran

Don’t get me wrong. Let me clarify 2 points:

  1. I love being alone. It is not that I am incapable of being alone. But if I am with someone I need the interaction. I need the exchange of words and ideas. I need that give and take.
  2. If I really want to talk about something I will. But I am trying to make a distinction between talking to fill the space and talking because I think it has meaning/message/a point. I want to learn the difference between wanting to talk and needing to talk.

This is the longest I have been silent with someone” – I think to myself as we sit in the living room. I have a book that I am trying to finish. He was replying to some emails from work. There was music playing and still I could hear the silence.

There is a subtle difference in talking to get to know each other and talking just not be in silence. This weekend I began to know the difference.

This past weekend silence reigned and I happily struggled!

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”
― Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

Valentine’s Day Weekend – joyous moments

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I had a lovely weekend of no expectations.  It is really amazing what happens when one decides to ignore expectations and let the moment be a surprise.  The result are beautiful experiences.

M. picked me up when he left work a little after midnight on Friday,  well Saturday morning really.  It is always wonderful seeing him.  I think he feels the same way about seeing me.

“The pain of parting is nothing to the joy of meeting again.”― Charles Dickens, Nicholas Nickleby

When we got to his house he was excited to show me the gifts he got me.  He said that he was not sure what to get me and thought it would be nice for me to have some things to have at his house.  In the below picture: a robe, a towel, a loofah (another one since he said he had used mine form last time), a pair of comfy slippers, a lotion, a delicious dark chocolate heart and a box of coconut chocolates, which he knew are my favorites.

What he got me for Valentine’s Day

I thought it was all perfect.  We know each for 1 month so really anything he gave me would have been perfect. It also included a card that was very romantic and signed Love.

I had no idea what to give him either.  Since he loves coffee I gave him a coffee grinder and organic coffee, which turns out he had one already.  He was gracious about it.  He said his was old and he would keep the new one.

I also gave him a picture frame that I made. I am heavily into my passion for mosaics at the moment so it seemed fitting to give him something I made myself.   I put the picture of a dog in it since he loves dog and eventually he can change that if he wants to.  He said it was beautiful.

What I gave him

We decided to have dinner at home on Saturday night instead of going to a restaurant. He asked me what I would prefer and I honestly didn’t care so he chose to make me skirt steak, which he knew was my favorite.  Old me would have wanted to go to a restaurant, but the present me is more interested in spending time alone together.  Cooking together seemed perfect.  Well, he cooked while I set the table.  Table setting in progress below.  I forgot to take a picture of the final set up and with the food on it. I guess I was too hungry by then. 🙂

Dinner was delicious! After dinner we were looking for a movie to watch on Amazon Prime.  We couldn’t decide.  By the time we chose one, which I don’t even remember what is it now, I fell asleep right at the beginning.  He said it was one of those predictable movies: boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl in the end.

On Saturday before we shopped for dinner he showed me more places around town:  the drive-in movie theater, some dairy farms, some local parks, some celebrities homes, including Derek Jeter’s home that is across the lake from his house and happens to be up for sale.

If interested take a look: https://www.businessinsider.com/derek-jeters-house-pics-2019-2

Sunday before he took me home we went to local carnival, where we ate good food.  They were going to have a Polar Plunge but I was too cold to wait for it.  I was not wearing a coat, just a turtleneck and a vest.  It didn’t feel cold when we left his home, but by the side of the lake with a frosty mist blowing by it was decidedly freezing.

I am afraid of guns but he spent some time showing me how to shoot cans with a pellet gun.  I failed miserably.  Still I am glad I tried.  He wanted to show me that it takes a skilled marksman to shoot exactly the leg or the arm.  I made the comment, that I guess he is tired of hearing, why don’t cops shoot the legs instead of shooting to kill.

Anytime we were home he had Brazilian Bossa Nova music going.  I think by the end of my stay we were both sick of it. It is beautiful and he wanted me to cater to me, so I appreciate his thoughtfulness.

I enjoyed the weekend immensely.  He is thoughtful and caring, without being too much and too needy.

“When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.” ― Rumi

In getting to know him,  while sporting a new attitude,  I have noticed some things about me.  I will discuss them in the next post.

 

Valentine’s Day 2020: Celebrating having someone to kiss

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“Loving is not infinite, infinite is the capacity to love”– Vinicius de Moraes

Last year today, February 14, I wrote the following post:
https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2018/02/14/wanting-a-boyfriend-on-this-valentines-day/

In the post I talked about being single and happy but still yearning for a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day.

This year I have a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day and I am over the moon about it. If I didn’t have one, life would still be beautiful and I would still be happy. But I do, so excuse me while I get up and do a happy dance.

I know I sound like a lovey-dovey teenager.  Instead of toning it down I am embracing it and putting it on full blast.  I don’t meet a lot guys that makes me weak in the knees.  This one does so I will enjoy it.  And I suspect that I have the same effect on him.

“I am looking for someone, not to find myself but to lose myself.” – Vinicius de Moraes

I want to be in love. I want to be part of a couple. In no way that means I am desperate or willing to settle. It just means that I am willing to search for it.  I am willing to be vulnerable and take chances.  I am willing to get hurt again. And again, and again…

This Valentine’s Day I am choosing to celebrate life and love! The beginnings of a love affair, the feeling of wanting and being wanted, the passion, the longing, the missing and the meeting.

If this lust will become love, if it will grow and blossom it remains to be seen. For now I will put all my heart into it.  I will give it attention and care. I will do my part.

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” – Thomas Merton

I always found it stupid to celebrate monthly anything, and here I am celebrating that 2 days ago on February 12 it was our 1-month anniversary.  I am choosing to celebrate months, and days, and minutes. I am choosing to celebrate the now. Life is fleeting, love is not a guarantee, but happiness is a choice that I make daily.  Life are the little moments.

On Monday night he said he had a crazy idea. I braced myself and asked what is it? He said: “How about I pick you up after my shift on Friday night? You can come and spend the weekend with me.  We can go out on Saturday night for Valentine’s Day.”  He mentioned places he wants to show me and foods he wants to cook for me. He also mentioned a Winter Festival that will be happening this weekend in his town.

“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.” ― Thomas Merton

I no longer impose on people my expectations. I no longer expect them to be me or act like I would act. Now I am free to see them for who they are.  I let them surprise me instead of always expecting and then being disappointed.

If something is very important to me I will bring it up otherwise I let things flow.

What was before expectations that always led to disappointment are now happy surprises.

  • When he opens the car door, I feel like a lady
  • When he mentions buying me slippers and a bathrobe so I will have them when I sleepover,  I feel cared for
  • When he makes plans for us, I feel special
  • When he goes out of his way for me, I feel loved
  • When he just sent a Happy Valentines text with flowers emojis, my heart sings

Nothing is expected!  Nothing is taken for granted!

Today on this Valentine’s Day 2020 my wish for you is for you to be fully present in your life.  Celebrate life with no expectations and only gratitude in your heart.  Do what makes you happy. Get up and dance.  Smile!

 “Cry, scream, love … Say it was worth it, that it hurt, that from now on it will only get better … Forgive, insist, love again … Don’t take life too seriously … Uncomplicate … Break rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly … Really love , laugh wildly and never regret anything that made you smile …”- Vinicius de Moraes 

 

No control, no problem!

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“Peace begins
When expectation ends.”
― Sri Chinmoy

M and I continue to date.  We talk every night.  We don’t text a lot and don’t see each other at lot.  He works nights, and since he is about to retire at the end of this month he has tons to get done before that.  I said I understood.

I wrote this post the other day when I was contemplating my feelings and behavior in this relationship.  Even though I am interested in him and I enjoy spending time with him I am not standing by the phone or stressing out if he takes too long to call.

In prior relationships anything would give me the sense of doom. A call not returned, a texted not replied, I would already start foreseeing the end.  Now I am different.  I don’t care.  I don’t give any power to things that happen or don’t happen.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”― Rumi

I have been feeling so free and less stressed as a result of not overthinking and not overreacting.  It is great having no expectations and taking one day at a time.

When I met M I was about to get off of POF and e-Harmony.  I was tired of those sites and wanted to take a break and then go to another site.  On the second date I told him that I was no longer on POF.  He offered to remove his profile right then and there. I said: “don’t”. I meant it.

At this point I don’t really care what he is doing. I feel free doing this relationship this way. In the past I have tried to dictate, to foresee, to control things. It only caused heartache and pain for me.

I don’t know if he is the one for me.  Time will tell.

I don’t know if my family and friends will like him. Time will tell.

I don’t know if I can accept his convictions. Time will tell.

I don’t know if we will grow together or apart. Time will tell.

In life and in love:

Anytime I try to control the situation I lose.

Anytime I try to foresee the outcome I lose.

Anytime I am in the future planning I lose.

Anytime I am in the past brooding I lose.

Nothing is a guarantee.  Even the best laid plans sometimes fail, why worry about it.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”― Lao Tzu

It feels so good to be free from expectations. I am being vigilant about having expectations. Any time I catch an inkling of expectation I make myself aware of what I am doing and I stop it.

Having no expectations doesn’t mean that I accept poor treatment.  It just means that I am not making somebody else responsible for my needs and wants.

Instead of expecting things from M and from others I am making sure that I am treating myself with the kindness, attention and the love I want and deserve.

I am giving myself more power by letting go of the need to control. I don’t need to control, I don’t need to react.  I don’t need to know and plan every step.  I am in control by letting go of control.  It is funny how that works.

Now I just welcome the good, and reject the bad, as they come, when they come.  I welcome  and rejoice with the little surprises and I don’t stress over the mundane.

This relationship feels calming and so comfortable. It is like wearing pajamas and having a cup of cafe mocha while a cold rain falls outside.

“Don’t despair: despair suggests you are in total control and know what is coming. You don’t – surrender to events with hope.” – Alain de Botton

The sleepover

“The power of getting to know one another is so immense, eclipsed only by first getting to know ourselves.” ― Bryant McGill, Voice of Reason

M invited me to watch the Super Bowl with him. We were both counting the minutes until the weekend. I was not at all apprehensive or nervous about being in his house alone with him.  I knew I would be safe.

He picked me up on Saturday evening around 7 pm. He came up to my apartment and met my sister.  I gave him a quick tour of my apartment and we left.

We picked up Mexican food on the way to his house.  He lives over 1 hour away from me.  His house is at the end of a dead end street and a couple of blocks from the lake.

I loved his house inside and out. It was so clean, organized and beautifully decorated.  Nothing out of place.

I can’t remember if I had a tour of the house before or after dinner, but after both we settled on the couch drinking wine.  The fireplace, candles, music, wine, he thought of every detail and I love that.

At this point I will let you imagine how the rest of the night went.  While I didn’t feel  the earth move the words that come to mind are: beautiful, romantic, loving, gentle, intimate, special.

My longing for you keeps me in this moment My passion gives me courage. – Rumi

Unfortunately after falling asleep I had an awful night.  I had had a massage in the afternoon and I think the lady was just a bit too forceful with my upper back and shoulders.  They ached so badly.  I didn’t want to wake him up so I opened his bathroom cabinets looking for pain medicine but couldn’t find any.  Later I found out that he keeps that stuff in a cabinet in the kitchen.

When he got up I was in the kitchen having toast with butter.  He made coffee and later eggs and then we watched the blue jays. He places peanuts on the patio every morning and the blue jays come and gets them.  It was very cool watching them!

After the lazy morning, he wanted to show me the town – Greenwood Lake.  It is a very small town by a lake, as the name says.  We stopped by a local coffee place and I had a scone and coffee.  He just had coffee.

Then we went to a beef jerky place – I need to go back, the jerky there was delicious.  He was eager to take me to the candy store because he knows I love chocolate.  I chose a few chocolate and coconut ones and they were delicious.

We then went to his friend’s house to watch some of the Superbowl.  He didn’t want to stay for the whole game because he wanted to have dinner at home.  He was proud of the meatballs he makes, so he made them the day before.  We had angel hair pasta (he knew angel hair is my favorite) with meatballs and garlic bread.

But before we get back to dinner let me talk about his friends.  There were about a dozen people at the house.  Some of the males were also cops.   Everyone was welcoming and friendly.  We walked in and I was introduced to the hosts.  As I was talking to the lady of the house he went to talk to another friend.  I walked around on my own talking to the other people.  He later apologized for leaving me alone and was pleasantly surprised that I had no problem with mingling on my own.  I never felt that he left me alone, but it was thoughtful of him to apologize.

When I had a chance to talk to his best friend alone he told me what a great guy M is.  He said: “He will never cheat on you or hurt you”.  He said his only flaw is that he is too quiet and laid back.  He continued: “You will have to suggest stuff to do.  Perhaps mention the restaurants you want to go to, and things you want to do.”  I said: ” I can do that”.

“To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.” – Bertrand Russell

And I think I can.  I would normally say I want a guy that plans stuff, but I think I can learn to compromise on that for the right person.

We stayed until half-time and then drove home.  We got home and he prepared the meatball dinner while  we watched the game.  We had dinner by candlelight.  It was delicious and romantic.

After dinner we tried to watch a movie but I was falling sleep so we just went to sleep. I had a better night, no pain.

Monday was a lazy day.  We had a late breakfast and watched the birds.  All was great until I brought up politics.  It seemed to me that everyone in his circle are pro-Trump so I wanted to make sure he knew I was not.  I told him if that was important to him I was not the person for him.  That got him talking about all that he sees in his job and the reasons why we have different opinions.

It was a mistake bringing up politics again.  We had already talked about it.  We both knew each other’s view on the subject.  We survived the talk, but I just wished that I had not brought it up and wasted time with that.

“At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet”- Plato

He drove me home early afternoon as I had stuff to get done that afternoon.

Things I enjoyed about the weekend:

  • He thought about every detail – he even had new loofah, toothbrush, toothpaste, etc waiting for me.  He even got new sheets for the bed.
  • He didn’t let me pay for anything.  I tried paying for coffee and even that he insisted on paying.
  • He didn’t impose his dietary choices on me.  Even though he stays away from sugar and carbs he went out of his way to buy me chocolate, make me pasta and garlic bread.
  • He made me feel safe and comfortable.  There was nothing awkward.  I didn’t feel pressured to do anything I didn’t want to do.
  • His friends made me feel comfortable and welcome in their home.  He later told me that I was a hit with his friends.

What I didn’t enjoy:

  • Painful first night.  I will make sure to have softer massages in the future.
  • Talking about politics.  It was not necessary.  I didn’t have to bring it up.

Something that was surprising:  In the 3 years that I lived with the ex-boyfriend in his house,  while I loved him and thought my life fairy-tale,  looking back I really never felt comfortable in his house.  I remember laying in bed and thinking: I don’t belong here.  At times I would think: Can I do this?  Can I live here?   When I left, besides missing him, the only other thing I missed was the dog.  I didn’t miss the big house, the pool, the tennis court.  In M’s house I felt at home and at peace.

I like My Body When It Is With Your – e.e.cummings

“i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body.  i like what it does,
i like its hows.  i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones,and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the,shocking fuzz
of your electric furr,and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh….And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new”

What is really important to me?

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“People do not seem to realise that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

The other day I told one of my partners here at work that I am dating a cop and that he is about to retire. He replied: “They have a good pension but that is not a lot. You deserve someone making 7 figures or high 6 figures.  Someone of your stature deserves more.”

My stature? What stature? I just laughed it off, but he was not joking.   This partner knows how hard I worked to be where I am, so I know he has my best interest at heart.  Still it was a surprising comment to me.

That same day a friend texted me to share some news.  Since he lives around the area that M. lives at I mentioned that I may be in his area soon.  He replied with the following:

High on the totem pole?  Should I be offended or take it as a compliment.  This person based his comment on just the area M lives at.  I mentioned nothing else about him.

I don’t get it. I am as simple and plain as they come.  From the car I drive to the clothes I wear I am simple.  I could drive a fancy car and wear name brands but I don’t.  Those things are not important to me. They never were.

“Anything that just costs money is cheap.” ― John Steinbeck

I do not, however, have a problem or pass judgment on what people drive or wear.  People should buy, if they can afford, whatever makes them happy.  I do hope that people don’t rely on material things to feel valued.

Do I think I deserve better or more?  Yes and No!  I deserve the world, but I don’t think of people in materialistic terms.  Material stuff I can get on my own.  From a man I want and deserve honesty, respect, attention and love.  I will not settle for less.

Above all I want someone with a kind, generous heart.

I definitely don’t want a man I will have to support.  I would end up not respecting him.  Other than that I don’t care what a person does or how much money he makes.  I don’t mind if a man makes less money than I do.

“Look beneath the surface; let not the several quality of a thing nor its worth escape thee.” –  Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Actually I digress, I never wanted a cop or a military person.  I always thought that they come with a lot of baggage.  They see a lot, they deal with a lot.  It is impossible not to bring some of those things home.  Plus they carry guns.  I am terrified of guns.  I am being open minded about all of that for the time being, specially because he is retiring in 1 month.

Shouldn’t integrity, honesty, and most important, the ability to make me smile and laugh weigh more than how much money they make or what area they live at?

oh, and let’s not forget, chemistry!! That so elusive feeling that feels so good when is present.

“Try not to become a man of success. Rather become a man of value.”― Albert Einstein

I would hate to be judged over material things, but I guess we all are judged over one thing or another. And I am in NY of all places and in an industry where money and status are king.

While I don’t care about people’s opinions of who I should date or how I should conduct my life these 2 comments surprised me and shed some light on what people are really thinking.

I take this opportunity to look inward and reaffirm what is really important to me.  What do I want?  What makes me happy? At the end of the day not one person is 100% as I would want in my dreams.  What can I deal with and what I rather not.

I have dated guys with a lot money before.  While it was fun being wined and dined and being offered trips to Europe (I never accepted) the lack of chemistry was most often the reason why it didn’t work with them.

The chemistry with M is awesome.  I don’t want to stop kissing him and for now that is all I want. It has been a long time so I am going to just enjoy it.

One kiss at a time, one day at a time, so we can both get to know if we add value to each other’s lives in the long run or we are just a winter fling.

“I want love, passion, honesty, and companionship… sex that drives me crazy and conversation that drives me sane.” – Steve Maraboli

Stay tuned: the next post is about spending last weekend at his house.  Yes I did!

All’s well, that ends well

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“Be the reason someone smiles. Be the reason someone feels loved and believes in the goodness in people.” ― Roy T. Bennett

On Saturday morning a car hit my car while I was moving out of a spot. The driver said that he thought I had already moved. I had gone to the bakery – bread is indeed not good for me 🙂

It is the worst feeling when something bad is happening and you can only watch it powerlessly.  I saw the car backing up into me and honked a few times but he kept going until he hit me as I was bracing myself for the hit.

At first I thought the driver was drunk because he was shaking and seemed unsteady on his feet when he exited his car. Then I realized that he was just agitated from the situation. I made sure to get his information, I calmed my sister down and then we left.

I got home and took a better look at the damage. I just rubbed off his white paint from my mulberry (the color of my car) front bumper and realized that nothing big had happened,  just some scrapes.  The other car had a broken tail light.

I felt bad for the driver and called him to check on him and to let him know it was not a big deal and would probably be cheap to fix it.  I didn’t want him to be worrying about it.  He seemed relieved and thanked me. Today he sent me the information of a body shop.  I think it will need just some buffing up or polishing up.

“Whenever you see a successful business, someone once made a courageous decision.” – ― Peter F. Drucker

And speaking of cars, in March the lease on my car ends and I have to decide what to.  Do I buy this car or do I do another lease for the same type of car or a different one?

My current car is a Honda HRV and in 3 years I have driven less than 7,000 miles.  The residual on it is $14,000.00.  Since I am not really a car person and don’t really care what car I drive I am wondering what to do.  What makes better financial sense?  Any opinions?

“Everything in us presses toward decision, even toward the wrong decision, just to be free of the anxiety that precedes any big step in life.”― May Sarton, Plant Dreaming Deep

The third date was dinner at a Mexican restaurant. The weather was just dreary, cold rain and wind, perfect to stay at home.  Since he has to drive over 1 hr to come to me I was expecting him to cancel it but he didn’t.

I drank my usual passion-fruit mojito and he had red wine.  I had quesadillas and empanadas and he had chicken with mole sauce.

At the end of the date we had, what I can only describe as a “Seinfeld moment”.  We left the restaurant and were walking towards my building.  He took my hand and said: “here, feel this”, as he moved my hand towards his waist area.

For a second I was shocked and thought he wanted me to touch his private parts. I pulled my hand away and he again pulled it towards him. I was taken aback by this action as there was nothing in our interactions thus far that it would warrant that type of forwardness.

“She did not understand the beauty he found in her, through touch upon her living secret body, almost the ecstasy of beauty. For passion alone is awake to it. And when passion is dead, or absent, then the magnificent throb of beauty is incomprehensible and even a little despicable; warm, live beauty of contact, so much deeper than the beauty of vision.”― D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover

That is when I felt something very hard on his waist.  It was his gun.  I started laughing and told him what I thought it was going on.  He was a bit embarrassed.

He is a cop and at dinner he mentioned that he has to carry his weapon at all times with only a couple of exceptions.  I guess he wanted to show me that he was not lying.

Isn’t life tricky?  Guns scare me.  I also have always said that I don’t want to date anyone in the military or a cop. He was both.  I say “was” because he is 2 months away from retirement.

He had parked across from my apartment.  I didn’t want the date to end so I suggested we sit in his car and talk.  I wanted a little more than talking but I live right on Main Street so there are always cars and pedestrians passing by.  We did get in a few kisses and it was still steamy.

The next date is already scheduled and we are both counting the days.  Stay tuned…

“I want to see the thirst
inside the syllables
I want to touch the fire
in the sound:
I want to feel the darkness
of the cry. I want
words as rough
as virgin rocks.” – Verb.”
― 
Pablo Neruda