Ignoring pain until a bone stares you in the face.

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I have had back issues (herniated disk, sciatic pain) forever,  and hip pain (a tear, bursitis and arthritis) for the past 4 years.  The last pain that showed up is a pain in my neck that shoots down my arm.  I have a high tolerance for pain so I have been ignoring this pain for almost a year.  My sister has had the same pain for the past 7 years, only getting better after she visited an osteopathic doctor.

Last week in dance class my arm was so painful it was hard to hold position. Even though my partner was holding my arm up it was still painful.  This week in class I looked in the mirror and realized that my collarbone was really visible, I thought it was odd since I didn’t really lose weight.  Since I was in class the thought just came and went.   The following evening after I showered I looked in the mirror and realized that my right collarbone is 3 times larger than the left one.  I panicked.

Immediately I started Googling and, of course, thoughts of tumors and cancer came into my mind making me totally paranoid.  In my mind I am already canceling my skiing trip that is less than 2 weeks away.

On Friday I searched for a doctor.  I called a Orthopedic surgeon but was told that I need to go to a spine doctor first.  My first choice for a spine doctor didn’t take my insurance, my second choice didn’t have an opening until April. Finally I was able to make an appointment with one for Tuesday.  He had awful reviews but I figure I need to see someone asap.

In the meantime I was reminded that we have a Physical Therapy business right in the building I work at.  So I decided to stop by and ask them for a referral for a doctor.  I got there and ended up speaking to a chiropractor/sports medicine doctor. I immediately felt at easy with him.  I canceled the doctor I had on Tuesday and made an appointment with him for Monday for a full evaluation.

Many people I speak with disagree with me and tell me I should see a “real doctor”.  But I am confident in my decision. I feel the whole right side of my body is broken so I like the idea that a doctor will look at my whole body and not just the separate parts.  I can always re-schedule with a “real doctor” later.

Also,  I was very disappointed with the treatment I got for my hip.  After all kinds of tests, MRIs, cortisone shot and physical therapy, the moment that I attempted to take one tennis lesson the pain came back as if had never left.

The protruding clavicle bone is not terrifying me anymore and I am hoping it has only shifted and it didn’t really grow.  But we shall see what the verdict is tomorrow. I decided not to worry until I have to worry.

In the meantime this is a wake up call for me.   I put everyone’s needs before my own. I never want to spend the time or money to take care of myself and that attitude is just dumb.  I have to stop ignoring my body.  I have to get serious about maintaining my weight, taking my vitamins, doing my morning stretches, getting yearly physicals, etc.

“I feel keeping a promise to yourself is a direct reflection of the love you have for yourself. I used to make promises to myself and find them easy to break. Today, I love myself enough to not only make a promise to myself, but I love myself enough to keep that promise” – Steve Maraboli

*****

 

Meet me in Colorado!

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winter_brecktown_mi

“It is not for me to judge another man’s life. I must judge, I must choose, I must spurn, purely for myself. For myself, alone.” – Hermann Hesse

As I mentioned before, I wasn’t sure what to do with an offer I had received.  A guy I met on Match is going skiing in Big Sky at the end of the month.  He said his hotel room had 2 beds and he offered me one as a friend.  I was really tempted but in the end I just couldn’t accept it.

I met him in person and we are still exchanging messages and phone calls as friends.  He lives 2 hours away and there wasn’t chemistry enough to bridge that distance for me.  He seems like a great person and adores skiing.

It would have been 7 days with someone I barely know.  It could turn out to be an amazing experience, getting to know someone and getting skiing tips.  But It could turn out unpleasant, uncomfortable, and perhaps even dangerous.

Some may think I sometimes over-think things, but why take a chance of being in a hotel room with somebody I barely know?  I guess I will always err on the side of safety.

I am all about taking chances and expecting miracles, but I also believe in making sure I am doing my part in being safe.  I like to jump and try to fly but all the while having a firm footing.

I very much believe in taking chances and getting out of my comfort zone  but when it involves other people then I have to take a step back, as I never know what people have in their minds and what is their agenda.

“We are our choices.” – Jean-Paul Sartre

I guess I take measured chances.  I research, I process, I take the pros and cons into account and in the end I decide using both my heart and mind.

Big sky will have to wait.  I told him exactly how I feel and even though he didn’t understand it, I am glad that he didn’t try changing my mind.

Since skipping my skiing vacation is not acceptable, I impulsively yet carefully chose a destination.  I have this baseless fear that if I skip skiing one year skiing will be forever over for me.  I am new at it and still struggle and need all the miles on skis I can get.

The chosen destination is Breckenridge, CO.  I chose Breckenridge because of easier access from the Denver airport.

I am going to be there the first week of March.

If you either live there, or will be there at the same time, how about a drink or bite to eat?  I always vacation alone and have no trouble doing that, but lately I miss someone at dinner time.  Food time is more fun when it is shared.

Say hi and let’s meet up!

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”  – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Songs and Memories

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“Memory is the diary we all carry about with us.” – Oscar Wilde

This morning I walked into a coffee shop and I heard the voice of Ray LaMontagne.  He was singing “Hold You In My Arms”.  That sound hit me in the face and AL immediately came to mind.

A couple of weeks ago I would been sad, cry, and probably leave the shop without buying anything.

But not today.  I stopped and took in the moment.  I paused realizing the beauty of memories.  How blessed we are to have them!  As the memories awash over me I feel everything is exactly as it is supposed to be.

There is no sadness and no longer doubt when I think of him.  He was a friend, he is still, in a way, but he no longer plays a role in my life. He is in the past.  He is the past.

Prior to meeting AL I had never heard of Ray LaMontagne.  Of course I had seen the Travelers Insurance commercial (the one with the dog and the bone with the song “Trouble”) but I thought that was a just a commercial jingle and not an actual song.

One evening AL mentioned his name and we checked it online and it was the first time I heard him singing anything other than “Trouble”.

As faith would have, weeks later I found out he was playing a concert not far from my home and I surprised AL with tickets. We had an amazing time.

Memories such as these makes me think of all the marks everyone leaves on our lives.  Everyone leaves something of them behind. Perhaps they introduce us to new interests, or they present us with challenges and new opportunities.   Sometimes they come to teach us a valuable lesson.   They makes us think, laugh, love and sometimes cry.  And always they leave memories, good and bad.

Oftentimes we don’t want people to leave.  We don’t want things to change.  But the only way we grow and become who we are really meant to be is with changes, with discomfort.  Allowing people to come and go when it is time is part of accepting our future..

Not everyone is meant to stay.  We need to allow the wrong people, the people that perhaps felt right at one point but that no longer is nourishing our souls to leave to make room for the right ones to come.

AL left a lot of memories that I will cherish forever or until I remember, as memories do fade with time.  Whenever they come to the surface I send him good thoughts and wishes.  It is my sincerest wish that he is happy but I don’t need to know about it.

And since I am on Al’s memory lane, here is another song that never fails to bring him to mind.  He sang to me one night.  Well it was not really to me, but it was only he and I and he was singing.  I think that counts 😉

 

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.  From an Irish headstone”  – Richard Puz

 

I am afraid!

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Talking politics is something I avoid at all costs, but I cannot be silent about my feelings.  This opinion is based on my experience of being a woman and an immigrant.  I don’t expect people to agree or disagree, but I hope that people can respect it.

Right now I am afraid! I am afraid for me.  I am afraid for the future of the USA.  I am afraid for the world.

I am afraid of the President of the United States of America! This is one thing I thought I would never say.

Please step into my shoes for a moment.

Growing up in Brazil, I, and every other Brazilian saw the US, as this incredible, amazing land.  It was paradise, a dream.  The land of the free and of opportunities.  A land where everything is modern and brand new and anything is possible.  A place where there is crime but there is punishment too.  A place where things work well, lines moves, good work gets rewarded.

Now, when I speak to my family and friends still living in Brazil, they express confusion and concern.  They feel a war is brewing, they fear what it is to come.

I was a dreamy and naive 17 years old when I arrived in the US.  Even though I was supposed to stay a short time I am still here (I have been here now for 33 years).  The US is now my chosen home.

I worked as a live-in nanny, well just saying nanny makes it seem that all I did was take care of a child, which is hard work as it is, but I did much more.  I did everything, I cooked, I cleaned, took care of the kids, grocery shopped, anything that was needed in the home I did.  The days were long and at the end of day I would stay up and pour over grammar and vocabulary books.

Nothing was easy or handed free to me.  I was willing to work hard.  I knew that with hard work I could have anything I wanted.  Unlike in Brazil,  where hard work is seldom rewarded.

Eventually I went to school in the evening and learned English in ESL classes.  Then I attended  college in the evenings and on weekends while working various jobs to pay for it.   I graduated with honors and student loans (which have been paid off a long time ago).

I never the typical college experience.  I was never a typical teenager.  Everything was about work and school.  And it was choice to have led such a life.  A choice that today I wear with pride.  Every step was difficult but so well worth!  So celebrated!

I never collected a single day of unemployment or welfare. That is not to say that I don’t agree with people collecting it.  I think that everyone that needs that extra help should use for as long it is available and necessary.  I just want to illustrate that there is another side to immigration.  Not everyone is here illegally and abusing government programs.   Immigrants can be assets.  I am a valuable asset.  I pay more taxes than all my american born friends.  And yet at this point in time I feel picked on.

But even if someone is here illegally, as I was for a few years until my papers were finally approved and I received a green card, they deserve respect as human beings.  That is what we all are.  All humans beings fighting for the same thing:  a better future for our families.  We are all just trying to keep our head above water.  We breath the same air and all aspire love and happiness.

I am in favor of screening people and making sure the country is safe.  I am in favor of protecting borders (but not in favor of a wall).  I think we need an amnesty to legalize undocumented aliens that are already living here for many many years working and raising their families.  I know people that have been here over 20 years undocumented. Legalizing them, making them count and accountable would generate a huge amount in taxes. It would stop many employers from paying their employees under the table.

I don’t have all the answers.  Actually I don’t have any answers.  I have ideas, I have wants, I have choices, I have freedoms, and I want to continue having them.  I choose love and respect always.  For me and for others.  One of my wish for Trump is to choose love and respect.

I, never, in my 32 years here feared the President.  Now I do.  I think we all should.  Too much autonomy and a huge ego is not a good combination.  His actions seem to be more vindictive and vengeful and intent on proving his might than being for the betterment of the country and the population.

When Trump starts picking on segments of people, and banning countries in general I get scared.  When Trump blocks people that have legally applied and waited for years to enter the US and sends them back without any regard to the hardships they have encountered to make such journey something is wrong and needs to be looked at.  We all lose.

My sister has been waiting for her green card for the past 12 years.  Her number has finally reached the front of the line and she should be able to enter the country in a few months.  Of course Brazil is not on the banned list, so many would say I have nothing to worry about it, but still I worry.  She will be another green card holder and perhaps at the mercy of the president’s mood and decision.  What if Zika was still making headlights?

With a moody president that thinks he can do what he pleases no one is safe. I don’t put anything past Trump, and that is what is scary.  This free reign, this ruling with a heavy hand.

When we start generalizing and dividing segments of the population we all lose.  We all as human beings start losing our freedoms. Little by little we have less rights.  Little by little our neighbors become our enemies.  Little by little is okay to discriminate people.  It is divisive!  It gives bullies the green light to do whatever they please.  He is a school bully that has just been handed the keys to the entire school.

Trump running for president: What a funny joke it was. haha look at his ego, like he could ever win.

Then he won!

We fell asleep at the wheel. We let things cloud our vision and all of a sudden here he is: The President of the United States of America. The highest seat in the world. How? Why?  What now?

I am a patriot, I am an eternal hopeful.  I am willing to give him a chance but I am scared.  In fact I am terrified.

Still I firmly believe that with great tragedies come great miracles.  I believe in the power of God, I believe in the goodness of people, I believe in love.

Everything I have I owe to this country, and that I never forget!

I wanted with this post illustrate my feelings and perhaps present a different perspective from someone with a different background.  In the end we all want the same: have our voices heard, our work appreciated, our families safe, our rights respected and our freedoms intact.

If you voted for Trump I understand your frustration, but don’t let that dictate your life.

Love and blessings to all no matter what!

(I am not going to re-read this otherwise I will never publish, but in doing so there will be typos and mistake so please forgive me.)

 

A real friend knows when it is time to let go of the friendship

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“It takes wisdom to know when to turn the page and courage to know when to close the book. Steve Maraboli

There is a certain inner peace that washes over you the moment you realize you have made the right choice…about anything… about romance, business, family, etc.

That is how I feel at this moment.  At peace with my decision.  Peace came the moment I valued and respected myself.  I am talking about my friend AL (from 2 posts ago).  When I think of him now, about his silence, respecting my wishes; and about my silence remaining strong and not contacting him it just feels right.  Of course there are still moments of missing, longing, and wishing for things to be back to the way they were before.  The choice is hard and painful and I have to keep working on it daily but knowing in my heart it is the right decision changes everything.   At this moment I feel that things are exactly the way they are supposed to be, all is right in my world.

I know he will contact me again, but I also know that I will not respond.  For my sake as well as his.  Letting this friendship die this slow peaceful death is the right thing for me, for us, for everyone involved. I dare say that at this moment I am being a real friend.

I remember my Mom saying that for a cut to heal you have to stop touching it and let it be.  Same thing here.  I need to stop touching it and this is what I have done to help me achieve that:

  • I needed to stop looking at pictures.  I deleted them all.
  • I needed to stop re-reading messages.  All emails and texts deleted. There were almost 5 years worth of emails and to read some of them now was painful and it took all my strength not to keep them.
  • I needed to stop waiting for his texts/phone calls.  I blocked his number, so now even if he calls I don’t see it.  I even removed him from my LinkedIn Network.
  • I needed to stop thinking of him.  This is definetly the right one, but when he does come to mind, I think of him with gratitude and let the memory fade away.  I know that they will eventually stop.

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” ― Paulo Coelho, The Devil and Miss Prym

It takes courage to walk away, it takes courage to be silent…It would be so much easier to reach out or to reply…to just continue as if nothing happened.  I miss the banter, I miss his face, I miss his accent, I miss the pictures he used to send.  I miss it all.

The easier and more fun road would be to continue as is, flirting non-stop, having a drink every now and then and ignoring the huge elephant in the room – his fiancee.  But since when did I start taking the easy road?  Since when is the easy road ever worth taking?

He cares about me, that I have no doubt, but his actions are not saying that.  His actions towards the fiancee feels even worst.  I don’t condone it and I don’t want to be a part of it.  I can’t continue going along with something just because I care about the person.  Love doesn’t excuse or justify bad behavior.   It was foggy before when I was in the middle of it, now that some time and distance has gone by I see his actions clear.  It stinks!

I realized I was not respecting myself when I was allowing myself to be in a situation that does not make me feel valued as a friend, a woman and as a person.  I was enjoying the attention, but is that all I crave?  If I am not treating and giving myself respect, how can I expect it from others?

Truth is, similar to romantic relationships, sometimes friendships do have to come to an end.  It is hard, painful, but necessary.  We can’t start to heal until we let it go completely.

In 2017 I decided to surround myself with good energy and get rid of everything, people included, that is in the way of that.  Letting AL go is a good start.

At this moment I say a silent prayer thanking him for his short, but meaningful presence in my life.  From my every being I wish him nothing but absolute happiness and contentment.  He taught me love, friendship, non-judgment and open-mindedness.  He came at the right time.  He didn’t know that, but he picked me up when thoughts of my ex left me drowning in my tears.  He also taught me self respect and self love and in learning that I have to let him go, or is it in letting him go I learned self respect and self love? A lesson learned through him all the same.  He came for a reason and left for a reason.

This friendship was never meant to be forever.  The best lesson for me here is to make peace with the fact that some things are transient. I have to be okay with goodbyes to be able to truly enjoy the hellos!

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form. – Rumi

 

And the dating continues…

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It has been a little awhile since I have been here so I am about to catch you up on my dating life, but here is what else is going on:

  • Car doubts.  After many car issues, I finally decided I need to get another car.  I am still keeping my 30 year old baby (560SL) but it is about time to get a car that fits more than 2 people and it is good in the winter.  I am not sure if I should buy or lease? I hardly do any driving so I am leaning towards lease.  Any opinions?
  • Tenants/Buildings issues.  I need to learn to not stress over minor maintenance issues. Any time I see the superintendent’s number when my phone rings my heart sinks as I know he is going to mention some problem.   I  need to decide what to do in July when the lease is up.  Do I just sell it or keep it longer? I have time to decide…
  • After 32 years of living apart my identical twin sister and I will have to learn to live together again.  She will be coming to live in USA in the next few months and she will stay with me until she gets settled, a job, etc.  It will be interesting for sure. We would die for each other but after 5 minutes together we are already bickering.
  • Work remains a blessing even though there are some crazy egos and situations I have to navigate through. It makes me stronger and wiser.

Now on to dating:

Regarding the 2 guys I mentioned on this post:  https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2016/12/24/from-feast-to-famine-in-48-hours/

The counselor: After we had those disagreements we started talking again and now we are not only good friends but we are dance partners.  We are taking private Salsa dance lessons together.  We bought a package of 10 lessons.  It has been a lot fun.  He is so funny.

I explained I am no longer interested in romance and he respects that.  We are planning to go to dance clubs once our dancing improves, well mostly his.  I am Brazilian so moving my hips is easy. For him it has been a little more difficult.  But he has so much enthusiasm that it makes up for the lack of rhythm.

The Pharmacist: We started talking again after that day.  And for a second it looked like we could become friends.

One Sunday he asked me what I was going to do that evening and when I said that I was going out to dinner with a friend he volunteered to come with us and pay for dinner. I agreed.

Then he said  he was going to come up to my apartment and watch me get ready.  When I said that it was not going to happen, he said he would sit and wait in the living room.  Again I said: It is not going to happen.  He got upset that he would have to wait outside my apartment and said he was not coming anymore.  I said ok and we haven’t spoken since.

I hate when guys assume that after meeting me once or a couple of times that I am ready to invite them to my apartment.  There is no right time, but it is on my time not on theirs.

***

The construction worker:  I haven’t mentioned him before and I would probably not mention him other for the fact that he invited me to go skiing with him in Big Sky, Montana.  He has a hotel room with 2 beds.  It is very tempting and I even reserved a flight.  United lets you reserve the rate for one week.  I have to decide by tomorrow.  I am dying to go there. I am dying to go skiing.  But, I don’t want to put myself in an uncomfortable situation.  Even though he agrees this would be just friends, I barely know him.  I am so conflicted!!!

***

Online dating can get tiring and frustrating.  It is full of users, losers, jerks and fakes, but among all of that there are still some good guys there.  I have managed to meet some of them.  As always be careful when online dating.  Safety first!

I have met men from all walks of life.  I met computer software designers, all kinds of salesmen, financial guys from banking, insurance, etc, construction workers, lawyers, doctors, musicians,  teachers, etc.   I am thankful for online dating for making it possible for me to meet different people.

The last few dates I had:

  • A businessman in the denim business. I was already picturing all the free jeans I would get 🙂 The date was okay. We spent the whole time talking about online dating. Any time that is the topic of conversation it is a sign things are not going to work. We had only drinks. Yes, he was cheap lol
  • A Retired lawyer that occupies himself with some kind of electronics components distribution. We had dinner at a great restaurant. He seemed excited about me but I am not sure about him. I don’t think it will go anywhere. Funny fact, well funny for me, his children are in boarding school.  I had never met anyone that had kids in boarding school.
  • A South American food importer.  A very nice guy, but every time he spoke he touched my knee.  I know it is the South American familiar way but I didn’t care for that.  Also it was hard to understand him and my Spanish is not great.  I am a talker, so conversation is a big deal for me.  It is not going anywhere.
  • A restaurant owner that was just a bit too old for me.  He is 64.  I am not ageist but it didn’t seem he could keep up with me and I don’t have dreams of retiring in Florida.  Nothing against Florida either.

This week and weekend I have a friend from Brazil staying with me so there was no dates, but next week there will be 3.  Stay tuned, if anything interesting happens you will be the first to know.

You are awesome!  The sooner you realize that the better.  Breath, be happy, be positive, eat chocolate, life is great, no need to stress, everything passes!

Wishing you all a blessed weekend! 🙂

“Dare to Be

When a new day begins, dare to smile gratefully.

When there is darkness, dare to be the first to shine a light.

When there is injustice, dare to be the first to condemn it.

When something seems difficult, dare to do it anyway.

When life seems to beat you down, dare to fight back.

When there seems to be no hope, dare to find some.

When you’re feeling tired, dare to keep going.

When times are tough, dare to be tougher.

When love hurts you, dare to love again.

When someone is hurting, dare to help them heal.

When another is lost, dare to help them find the way.

When a friend falls, dare to be the first to extend a hand.

When you cross paths with another, dare to make them smile.

When you feel great, dare to help someone else feel great too.

When the day has ended, dare to feel as you’ve done your best.

Dare to be the best you can –

At all times, Dare to be!” – Steve Maraboli

I may have lost a friend when I gained a conscience

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“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” – Elbert Hubbard

On Christmas Day I lost my best friend.  He got engaged! I know nothing needs to change but everything already did.

Let me explain:

We have known each other for over 5 years now. While this is not a crazy amount of time, in that time we managed to cultivate a very close relationship.  We have a relationship that is completely non-judgmental and honest. We both feel safe with each other to share everything.  So I tell him about my dates and he tells me about his work, daughter and life in general.

I have other friends, but he is actually the one that I tell everything, and that is hard for me to lose.

We dated briefly in the beginning and very soon realized that the age difference (16 years) would be too much to circumvent.   After a couple of months apart we drifted back to each other and managed to become just friends (without benefits).

Our chemistry is undeniably there but other than one tryst ages ago we have remained platonic.   We can never find a convenient time to meet for a drink, so we mostly text with some emails and phone calls in between. The texting has been constant, and so has the flirting.

At one point I did toy with the idea of friends with benefits with him since we have great chemistry but, first, I don’t think I am a “friends with benefits” type of girl and second by the time I was really considering it he had gotten a girlfriend.  The texting, flirting and friendship continued.   The fact that he had a girlfriend never bothered me and I never felt I was doing anything wrong.  I did feel that it would end the day when I got a boyfriend.

It bothered me that he never introduced his girlfriend to me.  He always said he was going to but somehow it never managed to happen, and after awhile I think I knew he never would, and I chose not to care.

“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…” – Pema Chodron

Things changed to me the day after he got engaged. I was aware that he was getting engaged, he showed me the ring and I was happy and excited for him.   The next day we were talking excitedly about his engagement and then the next moment the talk turned to sexual innuendos, just like old times, yet not so old. This time it didn’t feel right. It felt dirty.  I told him we needed to take a break.   He thought I was joking.

While I enjoy the friendship and already miss it, I don’t want to be a hidden friend, a secret.  I realize that he never mentioned me to her, and to mention me at this point may see weird and suspicious.

I would not want my fiancé (if I had one) flirting with a girl. I have been cheated on, I know the pain. How can I cause that on somebody else?  But am I really causing any pain?

He has texted  a few times since then and I haven’t replied, even though it has ben extremely hard to ignore him.  I don’t know what to do. Do I resume speaking to a friend that I care about and accept this friendship as is; or do I continue the silence until he never contacts me again?

I am very conflicted about this. I care for him and it hurts not to have him in my life.  But can we resume talking and never flirt again?  I have a lot of respect for him and yet I don’t respect his actions.  He is serious about this person so he shouldn’t be flirting with anybody else.

What is to be a friend?  It is to accept them completely and make no demands?  It is still loving them even though you don’t accept their actions?  Or is making them accountable and showing them the error of their ways?

“Friendship is the purest love. It is the highest form of Love where nothing is asked for, no condition, where one simply enjoys giving.”- Osho

Then again who made me judge and jury?

What is my problem?

  1. Am I jealous of him getting married? I don’t think so.. I could be married by now if I really wanted to.

2) Am I mad he never introduce me to the girlfriend? perhaps.  Why is he hiding me? To be a secret feels dirty, although I do agree it is a bit exciting also.

3) Am I disappointed in myself for flirting with someone that has a girlfriend and considering continuing on? Yes I guess I am.  I don’t have to flirt back.  I can just say we will not continue this line of conversation and he would not do it.  Yet every time he starts I am totally join in.

4) Perhaps I like the flirting when he was “available” and now that he is not I just feel that I am flirting with disaster.

I told a male friend about this situation and he thinks I am making a bid deal out of nothing.  He says that if I enjoy the friendship I should continue and not worry about it.  That is on him to think about his fiancee.  I am tempted.

But for now I am putting in a bit of time and space between us and we will see what happens.  At the end of the day he is not the problem at all.  It is me, I don’t trust myself!

When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the “nay” in your own mind, nor do you withhold the “ay.” And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart; For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed. – Kahlil Gibran

New Year, Time to Renew and Redo

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“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language
And next year’s words await another voice.”  – T.S.Elliot

Now is about the time that I would stop and take account of the year that has passed.  I would pat myself on the back for the things I had accomplished and I would be mad at myself for the things that I had failed to do.  I am not doing that this time.

I don’t really care, the past is gone and I cannot change it, so there is no point in beating myself up over what has gone wrong.   As far as congratulating myself for what has gone right at this point would just make me rest on my laurels. And I feel I have been resting on my laurels way too much and for too long.

I am making peace with 2016 by understanding that I did the best that I could with the tools I had at that moment.  Perhaps I was lazy and complacent, but that it is what it is, it is done!

What I want to do today is embrace my future!  Time is such a precious commodity.  The time we have is limited and we never know when our expiration date is, so I need to stopping wasting time.

What does 2017 hold for me?  That is not the right question.  The right question is what do I hold for 2017?  How am I going to honor 2017?  How am I going to make it the best year yet?

What do I want in 2017?  And, most importantly, what are the sacrifices I am willing to make to get there?  Yes you heard me right, sacrifices!  I believe that every reward, every goal, every achievement involves some sort of sacrifice.  Without sacrifice there is no reward.  There are small sacrifices and there are huge sacrifices but there is always a price to pay.

Perhaps is sacrificing time with the family, perhaps is letting go of desserts for awhile, perhaps is devoting an extra hour to reading and education.  Perhaps is not contacting a person that is toxic to us.   Whatever it is I want to achieve it will involve my dedicating time, effort and energy.

I am successful, well perhaps your definition of success is different than mine.  To me success doesn’t mean money or material things.  To me success is going after what you want and achieving it.  I have done that and for every achievement there were sacrifices.

In 2017 I decide to sacrifice more, which, actually when one looks at it perhaps sacrifice is not the right word.  The right word is investment .  How much (energy, time, effort, etc) am I willing to invest?

What I know for sure is that continuing to do the exact same things I have been doing day in and day out will not achieve the results I want. I have to put in the effort, I have to let the Universe know that I mean business, that I am not just daydreaming.

I need to decide what I really want.   I need to write my plans down.  Get them out of my head and into paper and into life. What I am willing to do to get things done?  What are the fears I am willing to face?  What comforts and security am I willing to to let go to bring me closer to my goals?

Still I need to be mindful of the realities of life.  There will be things I have to do and there will be things I want to do.  Managing those 2 will be the key.  There are tons of dreams: more travel, more skiing, more culture, etc.   Then there are the realities: bills to pay, family to take care of, a job to worry about,etc.

‘Do more, talk less” will be my motto for 2017!  Writing more will be one of the things I will be trying to accomplish, not only writing here but also work on things such as short stories and such.

I am not going to waste time talking about losing weight or getting in shape.  I spent 2016 talking about it but not changing a thing.  There is no surprise that there were no results. My promise to myself is to try to respect more my body and treat it better.

I am going to take steps to expand, mind, social life, etc.  The idea is to expand my mind, my heart and emit positive energy and attract the same.  I want to make better choices of the people I surround myself with, books I read, films I watch.  Those are the foods for my soul and mind and I want to stop consuming garbage.

Online dating will continue full-force, not only as a tool to find a partner but a tool to know myself and learn about others.  Online dating means HOPE, it means that I still believe and I am still willing to put myself out there and try!

But above all in 2017 I want to make tons of mistakes, I want to do more, fall more and get up more.  I don’t want to play it safe.  I don’t want to be stationary.  I want to grow.  Similar to skiing, in life, if one is not falling, one is not learning!

My hope for you, as well as for me, is that we have the strength to make the changes we need to make in our lives.

“Cutting out drama… Healthy mind and body choices… Intent followed by action… Keeping real friends and letting go of the pretends… Livin’ clean for Twenty Seventeen!” – Steve Maraboli

 

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From feast to famine in 48 hours

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“Love doesn’t make the world go ’round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” – Shannon L. Adler

My number one complaint from all my first dates is the lack of chemistry.  I have been lucky that, overall,  I meet good guys, but if there are no sparks, then there is no future.

There are now two guys:

The School Counselor.  We have been texting  and emailing for a couple of months, but I wouldn’t agree to meet while my mother was here.  Since my mother left we have gone on 2 dates.

We always have so much fun online and in person.  We make each other laugh.  The first date was a delicious meal at an Italian restaurant near my home.   On the second date we went to the movies.  I can see having a friendship even if romance doesn’t blossom.

At the end of the date when he dropped me off at my apartment we kissed.  While it didn’t rock my world, I thought: I can work with this!  It was a good kiss.  I excited to feel the potential here.

We continue to text and I am sure the 3rd date is probably towards the end of the week.

In the meantime this other guy reaches out.

The Hospital Pharmacist.  We had started talking awhile back but we had cooled things off because he declared that we live too far (1 hour) and also because he doesn’t like traveling and I eventually want to see the world.  Not deal-breakers for me but apparently they are for him.

He emailed me the other day and said he couldn’t get me out of his mind and asked me if we could be friends.  I agreed.   I don’t have enough friends, so I always welcome new friendships.

We started exchanging emails and texts often.  I never give my phone number out until I have a date scheduled or until after I meet, but in the case of these 2 guys I did.  I guess the potential in it made me relax a bit my rules.

The conversation was easy, fun and the chemistry could be felt through the phone line.  He seemed to be as open and honest as I am.

On Monday he canceled a date he had with somebody else and he came to meet me because he said he could not wait any longer.  The sparks flew immediately.  The chemistry was undeniable.  We kissed within 1 hour of sitting at the restaurant. It was like we had known each other for ages.

At the end of the night he walked me to my door and kissed me again and if I was not such a good girl I would have invited him in. But I am, so I didn’t! 🙂

We will be seeing each other on Christmas Day for dinner and we will also spend New Year Eve together.

So at this point, even though this is just the beginning,  I am thinking: I can’t juggle men.  I will have to choose one.

and then it all changed:

“Rejection is an opportunity for your selection.”  – Bernard Branson

The School Counselor.  He was silent for a couple of days so I got worried (he had been getting in touch every day for multiple times a day).  I texted him and he replied: “It’s about time you reached out”.

I asked him what he was talking about and he said that he wanted to see if I was interested and would contact him.  That is an immediate turn off for me and I told him that.

I told him the he knows that I am interested as I had already told him.  (I don’t expect men to read my mind, and I don’t play games, if I like someone I tell them that)  Then he said he didn’t mind chasing but not a lot.  Chasing?  Since when asking a girl on a date is chasing?

“Let him who would move the world first move himself.” – Socrates

By now I am completely turned off.  I am not interested in games or little boys.   I am interested in a man that know what he wants and go after it.  Playing these types of games is just dumb. I am not 15.  I don’t have time or use for that.   And that was the end of that.  I don’t expect to hear from him, and I don’t want to.

If you like someone why play hard to get and give some other guy a chance to get to her first?

I am saddened only about the fact that we can’t be friends as we were even talking about dance lessons.

“You feel good, you feel bad, and these feelings are bubbling from your own unconsciousness, from your own past. Nobody is responsible except you. Nobody can make you angry, and nobody can make you happy.” – Osho

The Hospital Pharmacist.  The next morning following the date he texted to say he couldn’t wait to see me again, and how amazing we were together.  Then almost immediately he said that we are not going to work out because he can’t go to Brazil twice a year.   I said I would expect my partner would want to come at least once to meet my family but I never expect anyone to go every single time I went.

Then we spent the rest of day exchanging sweet texts.  The next morning he texts good morning and immediately proceeds to tell me that he is in a funk.  That he is confused about us.  He thinks we are going too fast.  That we shouldn’t see each other on Christmas Day.

I detected a pattern here and was trying to be extra calm and patient.  I told him not to stress himself out.  I pointed out that there was nothing going on.  We had one date and a couple of kisses.   I said we can go slow as you please.

Later on he said that we were still on for New Years Eve but that we shouldn’t go out but stay in my apartment, as people in the clubs were crazy on that night.  That was a bit presumptuous of him to assume that I would have him over to my apartment on the second date, but I didn’t say that to him as I could tell we would never get that far anyway.  What I did said to him was that that was the opposite of going slow.

“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.” – Paulo Coelho

He continued on alternating between wanting to see me and being stressed over it.  Of course by now I am losing interest and I am even scared as the word “bipolar” springs to mind.

Almost as if reading my mind he says:  You are right, I am acting bipolar. Again I mentioned that there is no need to stress and that he should set that pace.  He says we should set the pace together and that annoyed me because it has been all about him and what he is comfortable with.

At this point I sad: make up your mind.  That is when he pressed me if I wanted to see him New Years Eve.  By then I had had enough and I said no.   I said: You don’t know what you want, make up your mind, stop the games and let me know what you decide.

He got upset I said he is playing games and pretty much said goodbye.  He said he is not a man that play games.  Could have fooled me!

“The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes. ”- Pema Chodron

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I could have easily played nice and continued seeing those 2 guys.   But why?  I am not about to convince a guy to see me when he seems to be want to be talked into a relationship.  I am not about to keep my mouth shut when I think that someone is incorrect and is not treating me fairly.

Lessons and blessings come to mind:

First I need to thank God for showing me people’s true colors before much heart, time and energy is spent.

Second, the realization that men play as much games as women, if not more is both frightening and eye opening.  The male species is not as upfront as I once thought.

Third, people are fickle.  Even when I think I know them, I really don’t.  It is easy to forget that when things click, and the hormones are bubbling up with so much chemistry.  Some love you today and hate you tomorrow with no rhyme or reason.

Fourth, don’t take people’s actions, confusions, and indecisions personally.  I am good enough, I am perfect!  The right person will see it, the wrong ones will be confused.

Last, I congratulate myself on protecting my heart and my body.  Bringing someone in my life and my apartment is my choice.  People can assume what they want.  I laugh a lot, I joke a lot, I flirt a lot, but that does not mean that the door is open to just anyone.

“Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” – Rumi

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Same old story with same old ending

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“I keep turning over new leaves, and spoiling them, as I used to spoil my copybooks; and I make so many beginnings there never will be an end. (Jo March)”  -louisa May Alcott

The snow on Saturday was a reminder that skiing season is here and I need to start planning my skiing vacation.

I thought about skipping skiing this season. I am out of shape and have all sorts of pain in my hip and back.  Also once again I will be traveling alone.

For a second I become sad and negative. I alternate between feeling like a victim and feeling like the perpetrator.

I am beating myself up for having had an entire year to get in shape and done nothing about it.  I had an entire year to go back to the doctor regarding my hip. One whole year to eat a little less sugar and carbohydrates.  One whole year to improve physically.  I didn’t any of it.

I had one whole year of meeting nice guys (ok some jerks too), and turned them all away.  I am mad at myself for saying no to perfectly good guys. I could have a skiing companion if I had not been so picky, if I had not been holding out for fireworks.

I am berating myself for being in this same situation yet again. Another year come and gone, and the same situation remains.  I have no one to blame but myself.  Should I just skip skiing this winter?

Will blaming myself accomplish anything?That is a resounding NO!  I realize, quick enough, that being down on myself, yelling at myself will not accomplish anything. It will only put me in a negative, pessimistic mental state. There is nothing to gain with that. It will only make matters worst.

These thoughts are not helping.  I am sending the Universe the wrong message.  These negative conversations with myself, these berating of myself only creates more negativity and powerlessness.

Thinking that I have to be in shape and have to have company to go skiing is the wrong way of thinking. Waiting for someone or waiting to be at a certain level to start doing something you love  is counter effective and the best way to never do anything at all.

So, this year again, I will do what I do every time. I will go skiing alone and not in good shape.  And I am willing to bet I will have the best time ever, as I always do.

I will stand at the top of the mountain, feeling blessed and grateful realizing the beauty of nature and the blessings of God.  I will feel invincible and humble at the same time.

I will come back with plans of getting in a better shape for next time.

I cannot do anything about the year that is ending.   All I can do is to start now and promise myself I will try harder and never give up.  It doesn’t matter if I take steps back or even remain stationary, the key is to love and be kind to myself and to know I am a work in progress and I can always change.

Here is to new beginnings, re-beginnings, planning new beginnings!  Here is loving myself and being kind to myself, skinny or fat.

“Great things happen to those who don’t stop believing, trying, learning, and being grateful.” ― Roy T. Bennett