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Accept, Respect and Let go!

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“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”  – Jonathan Safran Foer

To continue my previous post.  The following is another factor that contributed to my feeling very down in the dumps the week before last:

  • S and I were having many miscommunication issues. It seemed we were not even speaking the same language.  This was disheartening after we were getting along so well.

We had been exchanging messages for over 2 months.  We got very close in such a short time.  We looked forward to each other’s emails.

At times I told myself I had no intention of meeting him and taking the relationship out of cyberspace; but more often than not I thought about meeting and all the possibilities.  Often I wanted him to ask me out.  I wanted him to want to meet me. I wondered why was taking him so long to ask.

I understand I could have stepped up and ask him out myself, but in this case I thought was up to him.  He knew I wanted to meet, all he had to do was ask.

We really knew nothing about each other.  I knew that his first name started with the letter S.  He was in a profession related to technology and was 41 years old.  He knew a bit more about me.  He knew my first name started with A.  I am 51 years old, from Brazil and have an identical twin sister.

At times I resented not knowing more about him and not being asked out.  I think he sensed my frustration in my words.

“Lingerer, my brain is on fire with impatience; and you tarry so long!” – Charlotte Bronte 

Last week I said something about the fact that he should have asked me out on a certain week that I had nothing keeping me busy (I have had family visiting me non-stop this year).  At that moment he was at a work event that he said was boring. He then said I should go and meet him right then and there.  After being in Manhattan the whole day I was now at home and I wasn’t about to jump in a train and then a subway to get back to Manhattan at 9 pm for that kind of invitation.

I didn’t go. We exchanged more emails that night and then I didn’t hear from him for over 24 hours.  That was odd.  In the past he said that I needed to stop being paranoid and think that he disappeared if he went silent for several hours.

A day later I emailed him and said I missed him.  He sent me a long reply saying there was no point in continuing to email since I would always want something he didn’t have or was not willing to give. He said I would always revert to wanting more.  I am not sure what he meant by that.

His email upset me.  It was not a mean email but he seemed to have misunderstood all I had been saying.  I also didn’t like the fact that he was just going to ghost me and not even bother writing ever again if were not for my reaching out.

But what I disliked the most was that he seemed to all of sudden not like the one aspect of me that I like most about myself and that he had commented on as being a good thing: my very positive hopeful attitude and my belief in fairy-tales.

I now had a choice, reply or just let go.  My first inclination would have been to reply and try to make him understand my side.  I wanted to clear up the miscommunication.  I wanted to understand what he meant by “you would always want more”.  I guess I also wanted him to change his mind.  I wanted to continue.

It took all my will power not to do it.  I realized I would just be prolonging the obvious ending.  I realized he was right, even if he misunderstood all I was trying to say.  I do want more then what he was willing to give.

I realized that this relationship was doomed, as he had pointed out.  It seemed we no longer could go back to the “let’s just be email buddies” thing.  We had gotten too close.  I now had expectations.

“Peace begins when expectation ends.” – Sri Chinmoy 

I have been here before. I have felt misunderstood before. Many times.  Does it really matter if someone understands me or not?  I realize I don’t need everyone to see my side of the story, and to understand it for that matter.  Normally I would try and try to make myself understood only to complicate things even more, and grow more frustrated.

Respect and acceptance are words that came to mind at that moment.  I need to learn to respect and accept people’s truth. People have their own perception and understanding of facts and situation.  It doesn’t make them wrong or right, especially when it comes to such subjective matters.  He was a good person, I know that.  We just disagreed on certain things.

Another idea came to mind: Do I just want to have the last word? I will always and forever have something else to say.  I am one of those people that have long explanations to everything. But do I really need to verbalize everything that comes into my mind?

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”  – Lao Tzu

It feels very empowering to not have emailed him.  It feels freeing not to need to have the last word.  I don’t need to be understood and accepted. I aim to understand, or at least respect and accept.

There is that side of me that will always mourn that little friendship we had.  A part of me will always be sad for what could have been. A side of me will every now and then think “what if”?  Didn’t he see all the potential?  Was I just imagining things?

Sometimes it is okay to let things go.  Sometimes it is okay to give up.  The dreamer side of me feels the need to clarify things because I think that things can still work out.

If I reached out nothing would change. He would definitely reply but I would just prolong the situation.  He would still not be asking me out or telling me anything about himself.  I would have grown even more frustrated and he would probably do too.

I feel the best thing I could have done was to let go and let him be.

This is a major shift for me.  I found strength in restraint. Not doing anything is not easy for me, but it proved so powerful and rewarding.  After a week of feeling lost and weak, I now feel grounded and powerful.  I now will choose silence more often.

Then there is also the issue of refusing to accept to be treated less then what you think you deserve for fear that the person will leave and you will end up alone.  In the end you are only delaying the inevitable.  It is not being demanding or difficult, it is being yourself. But I will leave that thought for the next post…

and also coming up, my online dating adventures re-start…well, it is like they never stopped 😉

 “He who is silent is forgotten; he who does not advance falls back; he who stops is overwhelmed; out distanced, crushed; he who ceases to grow becomes smaller; he who leaves off, gives up; the condition of standing still is the beginning of the end.”
― Henri-Frédéric Amiel

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Determined and no longer feeling lost

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“I am, indeed, a king, because I know how to rule myself.” – Pietro Aretino

Last week I was feeling lost and powerless. It felt as if I couldn’t find my footing. I was feeling sorry for myself.  I don’t have a real reason or motive but I believe I can pinpoint 2 contributing factors:

1) Someone that I once dated was getting married.  To me it was more than casual dating. It was falling head over heels and thinking there was a future. He was younger, but he seemed mature enough for the age difference not to matter. After 6 months he said he was not interested in serious dating so we became just friends.  I was okay with that as I had been preparing myself from day 1 that this would be just a fling.

By then I had gotten emotionally attached. I wanted more.  I was lying to myself thinking that I was okay with being just friends. But friends we became and we kept mostly a texting relationship and a drink once in a blue moon. I cherished the friendship.

Then one day sensing his distance about meeting for a drink I asked if he had a girlfriend and he came clean.  It turned out he was not interested in seriously dating ME. 🙂

Still we continued the flirting over text.  I chose to ignore the fact that he had a girlfriend.  I am not proud of that.

Around Christmas last year he said he had gotten her an engagement ring. For a second I felt this pang in my stomach, but immediately felt happy for him. Honestly. But when he continued to flirt when texting I became uncomfortable. The fact that he was not available was now more than clear. I couldn’t deny it anymore. I guess I had been going along with the flirting because deep down inside I always hoped that he would come back and say: it is you I really want.

I told him that we needed to take a break from all the texting. He jokingly said: Is 2 hours enough of a break? I didn’t reply.  He never texted again. I was actually relieved that he didn’t.   It was hard not to reach out and say hi, but I knew if I did we would just start the flirting again.

Last week I found out it was his wedding week. Every now and then I would snoop on his friend’s Facebook and Instagram and would get tidbits about his life.  I am not proud of that.  Last week I spent a lot time torturing myself with every little detail and pictures of his beautiful wedding.

“You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” – Marcus Aurelius

All of a sudden I realized the absurdity of it. Why was I making myself miserable with this constant snooping? I think it is human nature to be curious, but I am here to tell you not to do it.

I STOPPED! It hasn’t been easy, but it has been extremely empowering not to look for anything related to him. I confess, at times I want to look and I ask myself what is the harm? I should really be asking what is the benefit? What am I gaining by snooping around the pictures and life of somebody that is part of my past and not of my future? Nothing! Nothing to gain, nothing to add to my life.

Instead of living my life,  I am wasting it looking at his, as if he is the one that got away. The reality is I dodged a bullet. A man that even after getting engaged is still texting and flirting with other women is no prize.  I am sure that had I not asked him to stop he would still be texting me even on the day of his wedding. I have no doubt about that.

I feel a bit sad as I thought we had a genuine friendship. I guess that is one of the reasons that it was so hard to let go of him.  I do feel so foolish now for insisting on a friendship that was not going anywhere and I was not getting anything out of it. Well I guess I was feeding off the little attention I was getting.

Was I feeling down about not being the one getting married? Did I want to be his bride? Or anybody’s bride for that matter? Not really. I never really dreamed about marriage, wedding, etc. But I think that his wedding just highlighted the fact that I am alone at the moment. It made me feel alone.

When I decided to quit looking at anything about him I decided also to stop looking at everything else I was wasting time on.  I had been looking at the pages of friends, strangers, celebrities, etc. What was I gaining with that? Nothing! The time I was spending looking at other people’s lives it was time I could be doing positive things in my own life.

To make a conscious choice to stay away from all Instagram and Facebook makes me feel powerful. It is extremely hard since I had been following certain people for awhile and I feel like I know them and want to know what they are up to.

I don’t have a problem with Facebook and Instagram in general. Those sites are great.  There are so many great ones, inspirational, funny, etc, but I was overdoing it. I was becoming an addict. Because of that I decide to stop it all.  I am like an alcoholic that knows he cannot stop at one drink, so for now I cannot trust myself to only look at certain pages. I may have mentioned this in the past, but now I feel I have turned a corner and I am actually doing it.

Social media can make me feel inadequate some times.  The problem is when I look at their lives and compare them to mine.  It seems everyone is going places, exotic vacations, great bodies, amazing boyfriends, and other great things.  I struggle not to compare myself to others.  Comparison is the fastest and surest way to unhappiness.  I know better. I know much better.

Each time I have the urge to check someone out and I don’t, I feel stronger and stronger.  There is amazing power in abstaining from viewing social media. I am growing stronger by the minute.  Actually, abstaining from anything that threatens to become an addiction, or has become an addiction is extremely empowering.  Try it!!

Since this post has gotten so long, I will be writing about the second factor that I mentioned in the beginning on the next post, so come back and check it out.

“The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance. The wise grows it under his feet.” – James Oppenheim

One day after another, we keep going

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“There is a saying in Tibetan, ‘Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.’
No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster.”  – Dalai Lama XIV

I am as shocked as most people are over the tragedy in Las Vegas. While the Hurricane was also tragic, specially the situation in Puerto Rico, which is heartbreaking, Las Vegas is incomprehensible.  The sheer thought that one person alone could cause such atrocity is beyond understanding.  It is revolting, scary, and alarming. We can almost understand Mother Nature, but the evil in mankind leaves me speechless.

When will this stop? It keeps escalating. How can owning such weapons be okay? I doubt our forefathers had Automatic Rifles in mind when they decided on the Right to Bear Arms.

I pray for peace. I pray for miracles. I pray for guidance.  Prayer is not enough, I understand that.  Prayer without action, without doing my part is meaningless. But Prayer brings peace.  Prayer brings clarity, brings comfort and solace.

What else can I do, other than sign petitions and contact my local representative?  Who is he/she anyway?  Are they really representing me?

***

“If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.”  – Amit Ray

S. and I still email daily.  I am still not sure if it is going anywhere.  At times I want to meet him, other times I want to preserve things as they are.

We had a minor disagreement the other day. I thought it was rude to just leave a conversation and not say good bye, only to resurface several hours later like nothing happened. He said and I quote: “You seem to think it’s not okay to miss someone, even if terribly, and knowing they’ll be back”

I guess he has a point. I also guess he has never been ghosted before. What is annoying is not somebody disappearing; it is not knowing if they will ever come back.

I decided to relax and take it for what it is: a fun friend that comes and goes. Still I enjoy exchanging messages with him and will continue to do so until we either meet, get tired of each other, or get significant others, whatever comes first.

Speaking of meetings, I decided to go back to online dating sites. I miss going out on dates. I miss dressing up, having an alcoholic beverage, flirting and the potential of a second date and a kiss.

I also miss all the different people I meet. I miss their stories. They teach me a lot about myself.

I thought I would do so much with my life while away from online dating but nothing has changed. I am still not blogging as often as I would like.

Oh well, I will not pressure myself about that either.

***

“If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it’s not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.”  – Dalai Lama XIV

I am not sure I have mentioned my problem with hives. Yes, besides, back, hip and neck/collarbone issues I also deal with hives. I am damaged goods, or perhaps those are the signs of a life lived well, or perhaps just the sign of a body not being taken care of as a temple.

After consulting with several doctors, including an allergist that assured me I am not allergic to anything: “perhaps a little allergy to dust”,  I am still not close to figuring why most days at the end of the day I break out in hives. Most of the time is annoying but not crazy, but yesterday it was just unbearable.

In looking at what I had to eat and what I did throughout the day the only thing that I would consider out of the ordinary for me was having a few slices of salami at dinner time. Could I be allergic to salami, or something in it?

I keep wanting to start a food diary and never do it, perhaps the time to start is now.  I had 10 years ago and it was an incredible weight loss tool.  I need to do it again.

***

Returning and wanting to flee and be free

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“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” – Marcel Proust

I don’t get tired of saying that I love going away but I love returning home even more.  I like my bed and my routine.  But going away is necessary.  To renew, to refresh or perhaps just to appreciate more what we leave behind.

I spent one week in Brazil visiting family.  I had visions of while there having plenty of time to exercise, to work on my blog, etc.

I didn’t have a free second.  I was always with my Mom or my Dad or both.  I don’t know how long I will have them around so I want to make sure I don’t waste my time on the computer instead of spending time with them.

I am happy to say that Mom’s depression medication is working so she felt good enough to travel here and stay a couple of weeks, as she normally does a couple of times a year.

I am sorry for the short disappearance, specially after mentioning corresponding with a couple of Craigslist’s strangers.  I know that crazy leaps can be made.

***

“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.” – Paulo Coelho

I am still emailing with S.  Joe, the other one, hasn’t emailed in over one week.  I am okay with that.  No big loss for either one of us.  This is just fun and entertainment.

S. and I have been getting closer and closer.  We have been emailing back and forth, sometimes several times a day since the end of July.  I harbor no illusions of anything.  It would be silly of me to think that there is anything here.  At the same time it has been fun.  He seems intelligent and caring, two things I really appreciate in people.

For all I know I could be talking to a catfish.  He could be a 60 yr old grandmother, or a 15 yr old high school kid.  I just don’t know. That is why I proceed with caution; and the occasional moment of caution thrown to the wind, in the form of conversations a little more spicy.

It has been amazing fun corresponding with him.  We write each other poems.  Perhaps I will reprint some here.  I am not talking about corny I love you poems.  I am talking about the same regular email we would write each other, about the day’s events, about our wants, about anything, but in poem form.  He started it and then I try to follow suit looking for words that rhyme.

It is amazing how our emails turn out when we are looking to make rhymes. It is really fun and it twists my brain sometimes.  It helps wake up my brain and use different words.

I still only know that his name starts with S., and it means some kind of warrior prince.  I know he is 41, and a technologist.  Probably a consultant as he doesn’t seem to have a set work schedule.

He knows a little more about me.  He knows my name starts with A, that I am a twin and that I am from Brazil.

Will I ever meet him? I don’t know, but it seems to be leaning towards that.  For the first time in my life I am in no hurry.  There is not a sense of urgency for me to meet him. It will probably happen for not any time soon.

For now I am enjoying this, whatever this is.

***

“Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one’s weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.” – Mahatma Gandhi

While in Brazil I went to a Reiki session.  Actually I went to 2 different ones with 2 different women.  Reiki is a healing technique that believe that someone can use their energy and touch of their hands to help in the healing of physical and other ailments.  It works with unblocking our Chakras, prayers and the warm touch of hands.

It is much more than that. I am not the best person to describe here what any of this is, but both Reiki and Chakras are very interesting concepts that I want to learn more about.  Perhaps as I learn I will summarize here the ideas.

I believe in anything that is used for good.  I believe in the power of the unknown and the unseen.  I believe in energy, light and the Universe.

One of the women mentioned I need to take time for myself and to do the things I love and make me happy.  I agree with that.  I need to take care of myself and put myself first.  This year, specially, has been all about others, family, friends and work.

I thought it was interesting that both women mentioned I have a deep sadness, a past sorrow that I need to address and work on.  I didn’t think I have any sorrow, but I can’t help thinking if the break up is not still lurking around specially since the Ex made an appearance in the last couple of months.   They recommended working on this by praying for help, comfort and guidance.

Ex came to collect a last item for the car and spoke to my sister.  I made sure not to be around when he came. He implied that she didn’t know the whole story.  I was furious with him and his implications.  There is nothing else to the story.  He cheated.  He has issues.  It is a case of blaming the victim.  I take full accountability for my fault in it.  But after 5 years I can’t see where I failed.  He is a master manipulator and twister of the truth.  I wonder what he thinks the truth is.  The deal with psychopaths is that they believe their own lies.

I always pray, well it is more like short gratitude conversations thanking God for all I have.  When I ask for something I ask for guidance and strength. He knows what I need and deserve to be a better person, to fulfill my purpose in life.

I need to take more time for silence, for God, for me, to feed my soul.  I have been feeling I am lacking the spiritual side.  I am lacking that replenishing of energy that we all need.  The day to day take so much of us.  We become robots, doing things out of routine and just sheer want, not even stopping to see if what we want is good for us.  I want to be more aware and in being more aware, be freer.

“If, then, I were asked for the most important advice I could give, that which I considered to be the most useful to the men of our century, I should simply say: in the name of God, stop a moment, cease your work, look around you.” – Leo Tolstoy

 

 

Not strangers, just unmet friends

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“. . .sometimes one feels freer speaking to a stranger than to people one knows. Why is that?”
“Probably because a stranger sees us the way we are, not as he wishes to think we are.”  – Carlos Ruiz Zafon, The Shadow of the Wind

In the previous post I mentioned that I have now been speaking to a couple of guys online.  These are not guys on an online dating site where you get to see pictures and read some information on their profiles.  These are guys that responded to ads I placed in Craigslist.

I don’t know anything about them, neither have I seen any pictures.  I only know the very little they volunteered.  I also volunteered very little.   I realize that no matter how much they tell me about themselves, unless I am able to verify it,  I will never know for sure.  I could be speaking to a teenager or a bored housewife, but still I continue.

I am enjoying these exchanges a lot. I enjoy the attention, the anonymity and the mystery.   At this point I don’t intend on meeting them.  I don’t know what they want but I am happy with having smart and fun conversations.

At times I get very curious and I think perhaps, just perhaps…  I think I would rather never meet and keep this going then meet them and have this disappear.

The first guy is S.: I couldn’t tell you his name even if I wanted to since I don’t know it.  I only know the first initial.  He said he is single, 41 and a technologist.  He doesn’t seem to have a set work schedule, so I think he is some kind of computer consultant.

We had longer emails in the beginning, now we have short ones more often.  He likes to write me poems that are smart, funny and conveys his feelings.  I write poems back, struggling to search for words that not only rhyme but have meaning. I like the challenge.

“It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;—it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.” – Jane Austin

The other is Joe. He is divorced, has 2 grown kids and a dog. He said he is 48. He makes some grammar errors that are really glaring, such as your instead of you are. I correct him at times, now I am just going with the flow. Our emails are longer.  He likes to describe in details locations he has been and people he has met.  I enjoy the attention to details he has that I don’t possess.

At one point I thought they were the same person and asked each other that.  Even though they write very differently something about them is similar.  I asked and they both denied being the same person.

There was a moment there that the conversation could have turned sexual in nature, but I made a point of keeping on the sexy/flirty side, but not sexual side.  I have mentioned to both that I am not interested in sexting and both were fine with keeping things friendly and at times flirty.

They both sound much younger than their ages.  Who am I really talking to?  Are they really being as honest as I am.  I don’t know.  Somehow to me my honesty is good enough. Let them deal with their own truth or lack thereof.

For now this situation satisfies me.  A stranger is a territory waiting to be discovered, a gift waiting to be opened, a miracle waiting to reveal itself.  I am the believer in all of that.  The strangers are the conduits of my hopes and dreams.

 

oh Rats!

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If you have been reading my blog you know at least 2 things: 1) I work in New York City and 2) I have mice in my office and they are not invited guests.

It is no secret New York City is infested with mice. I didn’t realize the extent of it until last Wednesday.

I agreed to meet my date at Bryant Square Park. He actually wanted to go shopping and buy me things.  A dream come true, a man buying me gifts!  But when you never met the person before it feels more like too good to be true and cause to be suspicious.  So I declined the shopping expedition, but decided to go ahead with the date.

We met at 5pm at the park. It was a beautiful day and the park was packed. So we thought it would be a great idea to go to Central Park as there would be more space. So we jump in a cab and $8.00 later we are at the park.

It was beautiful, also crowded with joggers, tourists, etc. We decided to find a place to sit, people watch and talk.   We get off the main road into a path and that is when I spot the first rat (it was just too big to be called a mouse).   I instantly freak out and we choose another path.

It was absolute insanity.  Every path we took there were rats.  On one alone there were 4.  People walk around them as if they were squirrels.  The rats didn’t run away.  It was shocking to me.  I still cannot forget about it.

I love Central Park, but now I don’t want to go there at all.  It is a shame that this is happening and I am afraid it will only get worst.  I am not sure if it was just the area we were in, but I am not willing to find out.

As far as the date went, we left Central Park and walked around, eventually going into a Movie Theatre.  We watched Patti Cake$.  I thought it was fun, charming and entertaining with a pinch of depressing for balance.

After the movie he wanted to stop somewhere to eat but I thought it was going to be too late for me to take the train home.  If I was more interested in him I probably would make more of an effort to stay and have a late dinner.

When I got home my sister asked how my date went.  I said it was fun but I was not sure about chemistry.  There were no sparks but I thought I would give a second date a try if he asked.

He was 10 years younger than me.  He was from Indian descent, handsome, well dressed and a gentleman.

The next day we emailed back and forth.  Finally he wrote and I quote: “I think it was great hanging out and had fun yesterday but I don’t know how you thought it went. I am sorry but didn’t feel the chemistry as bf and gf. Wanted to mention it yesterday buy thought let me sleep on it and see how i feel next day. You are a wonderful lady and deserve to be with someone special.”

It is actually the same way I felt/feel.  We still exchange friendly emails.

That was the last date for a little while, even though I am currently talking to 2 people online I have no intentions of meeting them any time soon.  I said people instead of men because I am not sure exactly who they are.  I know what they told me and I don’t have enough information to do all my Googling.  I will write more about them and the situation on the next post.  I will tell why this 51 year old woman that should know better is speaking to people she doesn’t know.

In the meantime, SMILE! You are blessed!

“Live your truth. Express your love. Share your enthusiasm. Take action towards your dreams. Walk your talk. Dance and sing to your music. Embrace your blessings. Make today worth remembering.” – Steve Maraboli

I am a treasure hunter!

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“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.”- Paulo Coelho

Hi, I am an addict!  I am not even sure what I am really addicted to.  I am addicted to online dating.  I am addicted to searching for a boyfriend.  Not to finding one, just the endless searching.

I am addicted to that very early dance we do at the beginning of connecting to someone. I am addicted to getting emails from strangers and shifting through them to find the one. I just realized that I am a treasure hunter.

I am addicted to hope, to potential and to possibilities!

Similar to a gold prospector panning for gold, shaking and sweeping until the gold stays in the bottom and the worthless materials are at the top,  I scan through all the emails looking for the precious one.

The beginning is exciting!  At the beginning of anything the sky is the limit. Anything is possible, anything can happen.  Of course, after a while I get disappointed or I disappoint and things are over before the actual beginning begins.  But I don’t worry.  I don’t bat an eyelash and I am on to the next one.

Fully aware that this is becoming a habit, an addiction, I decided to deactivate my 2 online dating profiles and take a break.  (I do have a date scheduled with someone that I had been speaking to before my decision.  He seemed like a nice guy.  I couldn’t just disappear on him, could I?)

“I dwell in possibility…” – Emily Dickinson

So I go ahead and deactivate my profiles.  After a day I am restless and incessantly aimlessly googling stuff on the internet.  On the second day I don’t know what to do with myself.  I have tons of projects to get to it, still I can’t seem to focus on any of them. I am not productive. I am lost.

What do I do?  No, I didn’t hold on tight,  full of resolve and will power.

I put an ad on Craigslist!

Yes you read correctly.  From Online dating sites to Craigslist, I guess I just went from the frying pan into the fire. I can feel the burn.

I know it is Craigslist but if I am there, other awesome people could be there too. In the past I did meet some nice people through various ads on Craigslist (selling/buying tickets, etc), so I know it can happen.  Why do I feel I have to defend it?

Now I am back in the cycle of getting and sorting through emails.  This is probably the way an addict feels when they get a shot of their drug.  I feel calm and elated all at once.

One would be surprised to see the number of sane, intelligent emails I get.  Of course I wrote a post that would elicit responses from the type of people I want and would bore the ones I don’t want to hear from.  I also do get my share of emails from the sleazy, fake or just plain jerk. And I still don’t know if the great emails are from real people.

I can have amazing conversations with people I never met. To discover an amazing mind in a sea of stupidity feels like finding a treasure.  Perhaps the freedom and the anonymity of the internet makes it possible.  It seems in real life people are always so guarded and afraid to connect.  I do understand that some of those connections are just illusory.  Still the possibility of being real is enough for me.

I am an addict, I am a treasure hunter, I am an user and an abuser.  Recognizing I have a problem is the first step. Wait, is it a problem? Is it a problem being hopeful and pro-active?

Perhaps I am just guilty of being a dreamer and believer.  At the end of the day my biggest problem and my biggest blessing is beign a forever hopeful.  I know I will have my fairy-tale, I just know it in my heart.  I know it will find me and I don’t have to keep searching, but I can’t help wanting to be pro-active and wanting to give the Universe a hand.

“I worship individuals for their highest possibilities as individuals and I loathe humanity for its failure to live up to these possibilities.”- Ayn Rand

Loving the search

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“You can be in love and you can be in a relationship. But they’re not always the same thing.” ― pleasefindthis (Iain S. Thomas) 

Am I becoming one of those people that swear off of relationships forever? Not that there is anything wrong with that!  I do want a relationship.  I like the idea that I still believe in love and that I am searching for my fairy-tale, for my Prince Charming.

Still often I seem to be finding excuses not to get involved in one.  Any time I meet someone that seems a little promising I immediately get in the “let me find something wrong with him” mode.

Sometimes there is really something wrong with him, but often I just pick at stupid things. I went on a second date with a guy the other night and when he walked me to my car he started telling me a story. He was speaking so loudly that I am sure people passing by thought he was arguing with me. I am Brazilian, we are not known for speaking softly, and still I dismiss someone for speaking loud. The same goes for the guy that I dismissed because he touched his food with his hands. I touch my food with my hands all the time.

Of course there are the times that I like them and they don’t like me.  In those instances I wonder if I just like them because they don’t seem interested in me?

What is happening here?  Am I being too pick or am I just being specific about what I want and don’t want?

Perhaps they are simply not the right person yet and I am just terrified of settling for the wrong person.  What if I settle for someone almost perfect for me and then the perfect one arrives?

I am saying “perfect for me” and not “perfect”. Not only perfection doesn’t exist, if it did it would be extremely boring and stressful trying to keep up with it.

Another possibility is that, even though I am searching for someone,  I don’t really want anyone.  I feel I am very open and easily let people in, but perhaps that is just not the case at all. My openness is just camouflage for my guarded heart.

Being alone is safe.  Opening up and letting others in not so much.  This blog was born out of the pain from the last time I really let someone in and even though I love my blog I do not want that pain again.

Perhaps still I am just having too much fun searching and don’t want to give that up?  I am enjoying being single and going on many blind dates.  I am fascinated by all the different types of people I meet.  Am I becoming a player?

I like the search, the discovery, the what-if, the process.  I like the idea of being in love, but perhaps I just don’t want to “fall” in love.  If happiness is a journey and not a destination I dare say that I am perfectly content on dating the rest of my life.

Yet, with all of that being said I am considering taking a one month break from online dating and returning later with fresher eyes.  Perhaps this online dating has become a game, or just entertainment. Maybe I am not taking things seriously or perhaps I am being too serious about it.

I also noticed that I am neglecting other aspects of my life. I haven’t had much free time lately, and a lot of the little time I have is spent on online dating.  I am neglecting my writing on this blog to write countless emails to countless potential dates.  I have to change things and prioritize me and what is important to me.  I think that I need to take a quick vacation from online dating.

But before I do I am going on a last date tomorrow night.


“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” ― Marcel Proust

Be nice and say good bye, don’t just disappear!

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“My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.” – Michael J. Fox

I struggle.  I struggle with not having answers. I need them! I want them!

I struggle with not having good byes.  I struggle with disappearing acts. I struggle with ghosting. Why would someone just fade without a reason?

I don’t want to force people to stay.  I want them to leave if they feel the need to leave.  Stay or go, just tell me what you are doing and I will wish you luck.

It is not the leaving, it is how the leaving is done. It is sudden and unexpected. And in as much it is sudden it is also slow and painful.  The days drag on and you wonder if this is really the end or is the person going to surface and just say they were busy with work, their dog died, they had amnesia, etc.

Ghosting is not only not fair, it is also cruel!  It doesn’t matter how much I have learned, grown and evolved I still need and want answers.  It doesn’t matter how much I don’t care about the person or if they are actually doing me a favor by disappearing, I still want answers.

Disappearance is such a cowardly act. Why not just say good bye?  Why not come up with some excuse if you cannot reveal the truth?  The curiosity gnaws at me.  I want to know why people just disappear.  Is it just easier?

What would happen if everyone in the dating world told the truth, no matter how inconsequential or painful?  Or even better, what if everyone were to become a little bit more honest with everyone in every dealing?  Would we have a better world or chaos?  More harmony or more hurt feelings?

As you can see I am still looking for answers from that “wonderful” man I met.  For a while I still thought he would return and give me a perfect reason for why he disappeared.  It didn’t happen.  Whatever it is I already accepted it as being what is best for me.  It is the Universe conspiring to remove from my life whatever doesn’t belong in it.  Still, having some kind of good bye, rhyme or reason would make things more palatable.

Is “accepting” being able to accept without question?  If that is the case then I still have more leaning to do in “acceptance”.  I accept amidst the struggle.

So, moving on, I have a dilemma that it is somehow related and yet it is not.  It is about volunteering the truth when no one has asked my opinion.  It about dispensing constructive criticism when none was requested.  When to say something and when to keep it to myself?

I went on a date last week with a man that was very nice, but as usual there were no fireworks. He wanted to see me again and I politely declined.  Not only there was no chemistry I also didn’t like how needy he seemed to be.  Anyway, the whole point here is that I think he needs to see a dentist.

His teeth were black in some areas. And when I say black I don’t mean yellow or discolored I mean really black as if rotting. He said he didn’t smoke so I am not sure the cause of it.  I have to point out that I don’t have perfect teeth. I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars in every kind of dental procedure you can think of, none of it cosmetic.  I have done gum graphs, bone graphs, implants, etc, so I am not about to judge someone on the perfection of their teeth.  Also I appreciate imperfection and I refuse to close the small gap in my front teeth to just confirm with everyone’s ideal. But in this case, his case, having blackened teeth sends the message of lack of cleaning.

I think his life, dating and otherwise, would improve drastically if he visited a dentist.  I know he has the means to do it.  The first thing you notice about anyone is normally their smile and once first impression has set in it is hard to change that.  Do I tell him that or do I keep that to myself?  After all he has a mirror and I cannot imagine him not being aware of it.

“By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.” – Confucius

Facing the one that broke my heart

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As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, out of the blue, my Ex (the one that broke my heart and got this blog started) emailed me wanting to buy my car.  I would normally ignore him but the idea of returning the car to the original owner and therefore really closing the door on the past seemed attractive and poetic.

I asked him to make an offer.  He offered $5,000.00 for a car that is worth between $15,000.00 and $18,000.00.  The low offer didn’t bother me as much as what he wrote in the email. He made it seem he gave me the car out of the goodness of his heart.  He also mentioned that I have been successful while he hasn’t done so well as if in a way I owe him something because of that.

First, he gave me the car because at that point he would have given anything to have me gone from his home and life.  He knew I had sold my car to move in with him since he had plenty of cars and I wouldn’t need mine anymore.  It was also perhaps a bit out of guilt, but somehow I doubt he is able to have such feelings.  Second, I work hard and whatever I have are the fruits of my labor.  His life hasn’t been so well since I left not because of me or because of the unfairness of life, but because of his own actions.  He is reaping what he sowed.

I don’t take any pleasure out of his life taking a bad turn.  In a way I am grateful I am no longer there to witness it and be involved in it.  Once, after the break up he said that he was not the man I needed him to be and that life would become a mess and it would better for me not to be there.  It makes some sense now.

After I got over the anger over the email I decided to accept the $5,000.00 and move on.

I was not looking forward to seeing him at all but it had to be done.  I just wanted to get things over with.  He had asked if I wanted to go to dinner to talk about the car and I had declined.  We met Friday afternoon at the parking lot where I had the car parked.

Seeing him at first was underwhelming.  He reached in for a hug and kiss and I just said hello.  Again, he mentioned going to a restaurant and again I declined, so we walked over to a ledge on the lot and proceeded to complete the paperwork.

I mentioned a couple of things about the car and gave me him the Carfax report.  He asked me how I was doing and I said ok.  Later he asked me again and I said:  What do you care?  He said:  I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t care.  I let that go.

After he gave me the money and we signed all the paperwork, he wanted to give me a ride back home, I declined.  I said bye and he reached out to kiss me and hug me good bye.

I wished I had just walked away, but words came spilling out:  “We are not friends. You don’t understand, some wounds never heal.  You have lost someone that loved you very much.  We had the world and you threw it all away.  How could you do it?”

At that moment I could feel my eyes burning.  I had dark sunglasses on and I wanted to run away before he could tell I was crying.  I looked at him and he had tears running down his face.  He said: I love you.  I don’t remember what I said but I think was something like good luck or good bye and I walked away without looking back with tears running down my face.

I am not sure the origin of those tears.  Perhaps it was relief, or anger.  It was definitely not love or want or anything resembling that.  It was not wanting to have the past back or him in my future.  It was cleansing, it was clearing, it was a turning point.

Now days later he has emailed me a couple of times to ask things about the car.  Surprisingly enough I have been able to have a conversation with him and not feel anything.

I will have to see him again to give him the stand for the hard top as it didn’t fit in the car and he has to come back and get it.   Again he is mentioning going out to dinner and catch up.

It is crazy, but in a way I wish I could go.  I wish I could be his friend.  I wish he had acknowledged betraying and hurting me.  I wish he had said sorry.  I wish we could sit and talk.  If he only knew how easy it would be, all it would take was for him to say 3 little words: I am sorry.

For now I still feel gratitude to him.  Gratitude for the great times.  Gratitude for the lessons.  Gratitude for the pain that made me start this blog. Gratitude for being spared involvement in a financial mess.  Gratitude for making me realize how amazing and deserving of more I am.  Gratitude for being free and able to date and do whatever I want.

Thank you!

“Closing The Cycle

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.” 

-Paulo Coelho