Accepting uncertainty and hoping for the best

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“God turns you from one feeling to another and teaches by means of opposites so that you will have two wings to fly, not one” ― Rumi

This is such a weird post to write.  I originally started writing about being ghosted by the guy I had 2 dates with.  I have been ghosted many times before.  I was a mixture of being angry, concerned and totally indifferent – if that makes any sense at all. 

We had 2 great dates, and have been exchanging messages every day.  Last time I exchanged messages with him was Sunday.  We talked about meeting during the week and on Saturday he was going to cook me dinner.  

On Monday there was silence. I sent a text when I didn’t hear from him by 2pm. At 7pm I reached out again.  Then yesterday I texted, and at 3:30pm I called. It rang until it went into voice mail. I left a message. At 7:30 I left another voice mail.

He is an accountant, so I am aware that this is his busy season. But no one is that busy that they cannot send a text saying at least: “I am busy”, or “Go away”.

“Because I thought it was still possible everything was all right. Why did I think that? Because I had not heard otherwise. I was in the middle of a mystery.” ― Sebastian Barry,  The Secret Scripture

Two days of silence is not a lot, but he had seemed so serious about me. Today I decided to call the hospitals because of something he had mentioned before.  He said he had been in the hospital with Covid some weeks prior.  I called the hospital he had mentioned first.  Nothing.  Then I called the hospital where his house is.  Nothing.  Then I called the hospital where he has his apartment.

There is a patient there in ICU with his name.  He has a fairly common name, so there is still a possibility that it is not him, but it probably is.  The nurse at ICU wouldn’t give me any information because I am not family.  

I feel awful and powerless.  I have no information about his family.  We had 2 dates, I can’t even be considered a friend yet, so I am not even sure if they would even talk to me. 

My hope is that someone in his family is monitoring his phone and they will eventually see my texts and text me back.  He is very close with his family, I would think that he mentioned my name to them if he was as serious about me as he seemed.  I know he has mentioned me to a friend named Pat.

I guess, at this point, all I can do is to have patience and wait.  Wait for something.  I pray that he will be okay.

“The more you pray, the less you’ll panic. The more you worship, the less you worry. You’ll feel more patient and less pressured.” ― Rick Warren

***

 

55th Birthday celebration in Newport, RI

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My sister and I went to Newport, RI for our 55th birthday.  It was beautiful there.  I thought it was my first time being there.  Then, as I was driving on Bellevue Avenue, I saw the International Tennis Hall of Fame and realized I had been there before.

It was almost 10 years ago.  It was for Andre Agassi’s induction ceremony in July 2011.  It may as well had been in a prior life.  I was with Ex then.  Ex, the one that deserves no introduction, but I will clarify for new readers.  He is the one that cheated on me and broke my heart over 9 years ago.  He is the reason why I started this blog – to get the pain out of my being.

“What is past is past. never go back. Not for excuses. Not for justification, not for happiness. You are what you are, the world is what it is.” – Mario Puzo,  The Last Don

I guess I really blocked all the memories of those 3 years with him.  Speaking of him, he texted to wish my sister and I a happy birthday.  I just deleted it.  But it always angers me.  The fact that he thinks that it is okay to contact me after I went as far as telling him to pretend I was dead.  The nerve!  He is not my friend.

Back to Newport and our birthday.  It was beautiful and we had a great time.  We stayed at the America’s Cup Inn.  It was the perfect location for us, right in the center of everything.  So happens that the entire staff of this hotel was Brazilian, and all so nice and helpful.  As we Brazilians often are.

We drove around the island and at times parked and walked around the shore.  Newport is famous for, among other things, the Gilded Age mansions.  We visited the only one that was open: The Marble House.  It was beautiful, opulent and so rich in history.  (pictured below)

We shopped in the little stores in downtown for souvenirs and ate in delicious places. I failed to make reservations for a couple of places I really want to eat at, so we weren’t able to get in.  Better planning next time.  

We will definitely go back at some point!

As far as turning 55, it just feels so foreign to me.  But such a milestone deserves its own post.  I will be writing about it in a separate post.

“Be the celebrators, celebrate! Already there is too much—the flowers have bloomed, the birds are singing, the sun is there in the sky—celebrate it! You are breathing and you are alive and you have consciousness, celebrate it!” ― Osho

Look Rob… Godiva chocolates

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“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” ― Charles M. Schulz

The second date with P. was last night.  It was going to be tonight, but I have stuff to do before leaving tomorrow to Newport, RI, so I decided to do it a day earlier.

The restaurant we wanted to go, Red Plum in Mamaroneck, was doing only take out.  He suggested we get take out and go to his apartment or house (he is living in the apartment and the house is up for sale).  I politely declined. 

We went a few doors down to Frankie and Fanucci’s instead. The food was good, the usual Italian fare.  After dinner we crossed the street and went to Milk N Cookies.  OMG!  The triple chocolate cookie was amazing.

Tonight was fun, but not as fun as the first date.  He seemed off, and I told him that.  He apologized and said it has been crazy for him at work – accounting season after all.

There were still sparks and we will be seeing each other when I return next week. 🙂

My birthday is on Sunday (the big 55!!), and I had mentioned I like chocolates.  He showed up with Godiva chocolates. 

Rob, somebody beat you to it! Rob, my dear friend from  https://forfriendswithoutborders.wordpress.com/ and I have this joke that he is going to bring me Godiva chocolates.  Well, I think it is more of my wishing for men to show up at my door with chocolates lol

Godiva will be closing all their stores, but apparently my date was able to find one still open.

Don’t despair Rob 😉 The good news is that there is always room for chocolate.

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” ― Linda Grayson

A first date with sparks :-)

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“The very essence of romance is uncertainty.” – Oscar Wilde

He had suggested the Hudson Grill in White Plains.  Instead, I chose Bill and Pete’s in Larchmont because I thought it would be quieter.

I was wrong.  We were seated at a tall table by the bar.  It was pretty loud. There were some people congregating by the bar, happily, singing and dancing.  I guess everyone is just happy to be out again after so long.

He was cute, charming and very nervous.  I was not.  I never get nervous on first dates.  They will either like me or they won’t, it is not a big deal either way.  I knew he would be a nice guy and we would have a good time.

I no longer go on first dates expecting sparks.  I go expecting good conversation and a friendly time.

He is a 56 years old accountant. He is soon to be divorced for the second time. What is up with my meeting men that has been married a couple of times before?

“You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer yes without having asked any clear question.” – Albert Camus

We shared a couple of appetizers and a sausage pizza for the main course. The food came in reverse order. All good, it didn’t bother us.

He had Pinot Grigio, I had Prosecco. Towards the of the evening the owner treated us to another round of drinks.

He was cute, funny, clumsy. He almost flipped the table on top of me. It was a small tall table and he leaned over to hear me better. The waitress was passing by at the same moment and quickly held it down. He was mortified.

Later on I had ordered a little ice cream cone with a donut on top for dessert. It was so tiny and cute, I asked him to hold it so I could take a picture. He dropped it. He was again extremely embarrassed.

We talked and laughed the whole evening.  We got there at 6:30 and left at 10pm.  In the end it was clear that we liked each other and that there were sparks.

We have a second date scheduled for Wednesday.  I am looking forward to seeing him again…that hasn’t happened in a long time.

“. . .Looking forward to things is half the pleasure of them.”
― 
L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

TO RECAP: Since joining OKCupid, I have met 4 men:

D, 58 yrs. old, Volleyball fanatic.  We met at Sedona Tap House.  He is a great guy.  Asked me on a second date, but I declined.  He agreed to be friends.

N, 57 yrs. old, CFO. We met at Encore Bistro Francais.  We were supposed to go on a second date but I had the dental surgery.  No sparks, but I thought it would be fun to see him again.

S, 54 yrs. old, Attorney. We met at La Herradura. He seemed very interested but then just became apparently too busy.  No crazy sparks but thought we needed a second date to make sure.

P, 56 yrs. old, Accountant. Described on this post.

I am pleasantly surprised with OKCupid.  I am not a paying member but so far I have come accross very interesting men.  Most of them I have no met yet as they want to wait to get vaccinated.  I may be off the market by then 🙂

Stay tuned…

“I’m not sentimental–I’m as romantic as you are. The idea, you know, is that the sentimental person thinks things will last–the romantic
person has a desperate confidence that they won’t.” – ― 
F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise

Skiing before it is too late

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“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
― Frank Herbert, Dune

On Saint Patrick’s Day I took the day off to go skiing.  My sister and I went to a little Mountain called Thunder Ridge, located in Patterson, NY. 

I didn’t want another season to go by without being on skis. I also wanted my sister to try it for the first time. She did and she didn’t care for it.  Too cumbersome, too dangerous.  I get it.  To start skiing at this age of 54 can be scary. 

She got an instructor that was awful.  Hopefully she will try again next season.

I am still terrified by skiing and yet, still so enamored by it. I love being there in the snow.  I like the whole skiing environment.  I am still afraid, but continue to love and embrace the challenge. 

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” ― Joseph Campbell

Will I ever be comfortable skiing? I don’t know.  What I know is that I will never give up trying.

In my mind I know what I need to do.  I know I am capable.  I know the mountains and trails I have skied before.  Why do I get worst and not better?

I know I need more practice, more time on skis; so I am going to continue trying, Next season I am going to try to go often.

I am thinking of getting one of those multiple mountains passes, either the Ikon or the Epic.  Do any of you ever get those?

***

I had a follow up visit with the dentist yesterday.  He said that the pain I was feeling for 8 days was normal because he was really aggressive in trying to clean the area affected after he removed the implant.   All is looking as well as it should.  The plan is to wait another 3 months, take x-rays and then decide what to do:  put in another implant or leave it alone.

I have a date tonight with a new guy.  Stay tuned for the report next time.

Thank you for reading and wishing you all a blessed weekend! ♥♥

“If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgement of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgement now.” ― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

I am a the daughter of a lottery winner!

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“Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.” ― Roy T. Bennett

Last week my father won the lottery!

Wait!!! Don’t start congratulating me just yet! 

It was the Brazilian Lottery. Plus, he only got 5 numbers instead of 6, or something like that.  

He won 1,680.00 Brazilian Reais. In US Dollars it would be around $300.00. He has been playing forever and never wins more than a couple of dollars. So this is very exciting for him.

“It’s not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.” ― Mother Theresa

He wanted to share his winnings with the family. He is giving 400 reais each to my mom, my brother, my sister and I. He is keeping 80 reais.

That, to him, was a fair split.  That, right there, illustrate how my parents are.  They think of themselves last.   He is choosing to keep only 80 reais of his winnings. He thinks this is a perfect split.

Of course, the four of us wanted him to keep the whole thing. My sister told him she didn’t need any money, that he should keep it all.  His answer was: “None of you guys need it, but you all deserve it”.

Isn’t he the cutest?

In the end we decided to accept the money.  It made him feel good.  The money will go back to him anyway, as I am always giving him money to play.

Our family believes that is better to give than receive. I am glad I was raised with that value.

“If nature has made you for a giver, your hands are born open, and so is your heart; and though there may be times when your hands are empty, your heart is always full, and you can give things out of that—warm things, kind things, sweet things—help and comfort and laughter—and sometimes gay, kind laughter is the best help of all.”
― Frances Hodgson Burnett

Friday’s Lunch date report

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“If you have carefully examined hundred people you met in your life journey, it means that you have read hundred different books! Every person you know is a book; world is full of walking books; some are boring, some are marvelous, some are weak, some are powerful, but they are all useful because they all carry different experiences of different paths!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan

On Friday I worked from home so that I could easily meet S. for lunch.  He is a successful 54 year old patent attorney.  He lives about 40 minutes from me.  We met 12pm at a Mexican Restaurant near my home, La Herradura. 

He had an avocado salad and vegetable quesadilla.  He is vegetarian, slowly becoming vegan. I am not! I had a ground beef empanada and chicken quesadillas. We didn’t order alcohol.  He said he would drink if I wanted to drink, as he wouldn’t let me drink alone. I opted not to have a drink.  It just felt too early to me, plus I wouldn’t want him having a drink and then driving.

Lately, it seems to me that there are 2 topics that can be very polarizing. Specially when initially meeting someone.  They are: Trump and Veganism. I will not get along with anyone that is not only hardcore on those topics, but that, worst, will try to change my mind on my views about it.

I will respect people’s choice and opinions, but there is nothing I hate more than to have people try to convert me into their way of thinking. He did not.  He said he changed his eating habits due to health, the environment and ethics.  I understand and appreciate that, but I am not there yet.  My goal is to continue getting healthier, with moderation and balance being my guide.

We didn’t really discuss politics, but he mentioned being happy that Trump is gone.  He seemed shy and nervous at first, but once we started talking the conversation flowed. We talked non-stop for 3 hours. We both are the type that share everything and volunteers information.

There is no question I won’t ask, and it turns out there is no question he won’t answer, so it was a perfect match 🙂 We talked about serious stuff, but we also joked and laughed a lot. His sense of humor matched mine.

“The power of getting to know one another is so immense, eclipsed only by first getting to know ourselves.” ― Bryant McGill

I found out that his baggage is way heavier than mine. At our age (over 50), we all have baggage, but some people do overpack.  He has been married twice with 5 kids from varying ages. He is still in the process of getting divorced from the second wife. It is not a pretty divorce. 

I am open minded about the situations that people find themselves in.  Life happens and it is often messy.  I don’t have children, and there are no kids in my family, so I do welcome a man with kids. What I don’t like is the potential nightmare ex scenario.

I detect something good about him and I am willing to see him again and see where it goes. It will require patience, since he has a lot on his plate.

After lunch I walked him to his car.  He seemed unsure how to say good bye, so I just hugged him.  Having masks on, it is easy to assume that there will be no good bye kiss.  I like not feeling that pressure.

We have been texting on and off since then.

“If you wish to glimpse inside a human soul and get to know a man, don’t bother analyzing his ways of being silent, of talking, of weeping, of seeing how much he is moved by noble ideas; you will get better results if you just watch him laugh. If he laughs well, he’s a good man.” ― Fyodor Dostoevsky

 

The guest and the gift

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“In one thing you have not changed, dear friend,” said Aragorn: “you still speak in riddles.”
“What? In riddles?” said Gandalf. “No! For I was talking aloud to myself. A habit of the old: they choose the wisest person present to speak to; the long explanations needed by the young are wearying.” –  J.R.R. Tolkien

I love babies, specially little Edward, that I hope to see again someday.  But I also love older people.

I have mentioned here,  years ago, that I was volunteering in a nursing home. Even though that didn’t really work out, it did make me realize that I enjoy their company and wisdom.  It also saddened me to see in person how some are just discarded by society, and even worst, by their own families.

I am so glad that I still have my parents, and that they are being treated like royalty by my siblings and I. It is such a blessing to have my brother and sister share my care, love and respect for my parents.

“It`s not how old you are, it`s how you are old.”
― Jules Renard

One of my friends works as a caretaker for an elderly man.  She has mentioned him to me a few times but I had never met him before.

Yesterday, all of a sudden, as I am working at my desk, she walked in.  She said: “Are you busy? There is someone that wants to meet you”.  In walks her boss pushing his walker.

She found out that I am in the same building that his ENT doctor is located.  Since he had an appointment there, she took the opportunity to stop by.

He was the sweetest and funniest man.  He is 89 years old but sharp as a tack. We joked and made fun of my friend.  He then said he had brought me a gift.  He open the seat of his walker and removed a little eyeglass case.  In it there was this little beaver carved out of some pink stone.

It doesn’t really look like a beaver but he said it was a beaver, therefore it is a beaver to me.  Look at the picture below and tell me what animal do you think it is.

He said it was Indian and it was meant to give me protection and prosperity.  I will take it! He gave me some of the background on it, but I was so taken by the gesture that I didn’t pay attention.

I do that often. I get so involved in the feeling of the moment that I ignore all else. I will ask my friend to find out for me.

I felt so special! 🙂

I am still in pain. The dentist said it is normal for the pain to be stronger a few days after the surgery.  He said it should be gone by day 7.  It is just so abnormal for me to have such pain after a dental surgery.  He also said I should stop taking Advil alone and combine it with Tylenol.

Well, the 7th day is tomorrow and to celebrate it I scheduled a lunch date.   I am not sure if I more more excited for the date or for the food.  It will be the first time in one week that I will be eating more than yogurt and scrambled eggs.

Stay tuned for the details… of my meal. 🙂

“The Little Boy and the Old Man

Said the little boy, “Sometimes I drop my spoon.”
Said the old man, “I do that too.”
The little boy whispered, “I wet my pants.”
I do that too,” laughed the little old man.
Said the little boy, “I often cry.”
The old man nodded, “So do I.”
But worst of all,” said the boy, “it seems
Grown-ups don’t pay attention to me.”
And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.
I know what you mean,” said the little old man.”
― Shel Silverstein

Went on a date and fell in love with a baby

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I had my dental surgery on Friday at 11am.  I expected to be 100% by today,  but I am not. I am still in pain.  I have had many dental surgeries before and normally the recovery is a breeze.  I take 1 pain pill the first day and that’s it.  By lunch yesterday I had already taken all the pills they gave me (6-600mg ibuprofen).

I am at work now and decided to try not to take any pain meds. I am accepting this discomfort, knowing that it will pass. I am keeping the conversations to a minimum and eating only soft foods.  It helps.  I will also leaving shortly and go to bed as soon as I get home.

As far as the procedure, the removal of the implant, bone graft and the cleaning of other 2 implants; apparently it all went well. It will take some time to know for sure if we were able to save the other 2 implants. Fingers crossed.

Even though I should be a pro by now, for some reason I was really nervous and scared about this surgery.  I am blaming it on aging.  I am becoming a chicken as I age. 

To take my mind off of it, I decided to accept a dinner invitation for the night before.  I met N. on OKCupid.   He is the CFO of a Marketing company.  He is 57 years old and lives in Darien, CT, 30 minutes from me.

We went to a French restaurant called Encore Bistro Francais.  He had red wine and I had a St. Germain cocktail.  He had the cassoulet and I had a burger.  I know I probably should have ordered something else, but the burger seemed the perfect comfort food to prepare me for the next day’s surgery.  We shared profiteroles for dessert.  Everything was delicious!

The conversation flowed.  He has lived in different countries and had a lot to share. He was fun to talk to. We will probably go on a second date. Because of my surgery we didn’t schedule anything.

“I love these little people; and it is not a slight thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us.” ― Charles Dickens

But, the highlight of the evening was this tiny little guy, probably a year and half old.  He was seated with his back to me, but he kept turning around to look and smile at me.  At a certain point his father joked that he would probably have to get into a fight with my date over his flirting with me.

This child was the most well behaved child I have ever seen.  He made no noise or mess. Even when trying to get my attention he would just make faces and smile.  I would ignore him to pay attention to my date, but he never gave up, every time I looked his way, he was staring and smiling. 

“The soul is healed by being with children.” – Fyodor Dostoevsky

When he was done eating his father turned his chair around so that he could look straight at me, and didn’t have to keep turning.  I learned his name was Edward when a lady, from a table next to him, asked.  I didn’t want to be rude to my date, plus there is Covid, so I kept my distance but would have loved to hug him.

That night, my date never had a chance.  Edward stole my heart. 

“I’ve never really understood the desire people have to quantify a baby. “He’s X big and Y long,” As if the baby is a fish you’re not sure you’re going to keep. Or some prize potato you’re hoping will win a prize at the county fair.” ― Patrick Rothfuss

Salvaging

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“Be the reason someone smiles. Be the reason someone feels loved and believes in the goodness in people.” ― Roy T. Bennett

There was a service for my friend’s daughter on Sunday.  It was beautifully decorated with sunflowers and white roses.  My friend was stoic. We could see that she has the weight of the world on her shoulders.

My sister and I have been around her. We took her out to dinner on Friday night and on shopping on Saturday.  This week, as she returns to work, we will take turns checking in on her.

“Get busy living or get busy dying.” – Shawshank Redemption

Death clearly shows us brevity and beauty of life.  That is the only certainty we have: one day we will die.  So let’s not waste this finite, precious gift.  Do more, worry less.  

So many things I want to do that I keep leaving for tomorrow. Always waiting for something to do something.  The time is now.  It is always now.

“Death should not quiet your soul; instead, it should enliven it.” ― Angie Corbett-Kuiper

On Friday I am going in for another dental surgery.  The 2 laser treatments I had done to try to save this 1 implant worked for a couple of years. The latest x-rays shows that it stopped working. I cannot wait any longer. I will be removing 1 implant to hopefully still save the other 2.  Fingers crossed.

“Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.” ― J.K. Rowling

Tomorrow marks the 1 Year anniversary of the first Covid case in New Rochelle.  We will be observing one minute of silence at exact 12pm.  At 7pm there will be “Clap Because We Care” – stand outside or open our windows to make noise in support of health care workers and essential workers. 

I thought, that at most, this would last 2 weeks. We are now marking anniversaries.  Such a crazy time in this place called Earth.

“The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word ‘crisis.’ One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger–but recognize the opportunity.” ― John F. Kennedy