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Feelings hurt, bullets dodged and we move on

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“You cannot control the behavior of others, but you can always choose how you respond to it.” – Roy T. Bennett

The Nature Writer.  I decided not to go on a second date with him.  I called him and said that there was no romantic vibes for me. I offered friendship.

He listened to what I had to say and said he really didn’t have the time to date seriously and was interested in friendship. He thanked me for my honesty.

Several days later he sent me 12 text messages one after the other.  He went on and on on how he was hurt that I assumed he was interested in dating.  He was also angry that I said I was going to schedule a second meeting as friends but never did.

I didn’t reply. What do I say to that?  It was just senseless.  This seemed to be the texting of a 12 year girl and not an intelligent almost 60 year old man.

I no longer feel the need for people to understand me.  Now I just let it go and don’t spend the time and energy. 

“We’re all islands shouting lies to each other across seas of misunderstanding.”  – Rudyard Kipling

The concierge – I met a kind, nice gentleman. He works as a concierge in a building in Manhattan. We met at a dive bar called Trailer Park Lounge. Not a place I am used to going but it was fun and welcoming.

I ordered a burger and even before I was finished he mentioned he wanted to go to Dallas BBQ a block away.  He said he loved the drinks there.  The drink he ordered  was one of those tropical drinks with umbrellas that you get when you go on vacation to a tropical island (picture is at the top) . It did look delicious but I already had a drink at the other bar and decided to just drink water.

While he was the nice, there was zero chemistry for me.  He, on the other hand professed his love for me and wanted to see me again.  What do I say to a man that is sitting across from me telling me his entire life and already making plans for a future together?

When he asked me when he was going to see me again I didn’t have the heart to say: never.  I didn’t really say yes or no.  I said that he was going too fast and that I was feeling pressured.

I should have gone for honesty, but instead I expected him to get the hint.  He didn’t.

And right as I am typing this I get a text from him asking me what I had decided about going on a second date.   I told him that I didn’t feel any romance and that I knew he didn’t want to be friends. I mentioned how great I thought he was but I was not feeling it.

He replied and I quote: “I bet you say that to everyone. Thank you for wasting my time”.  Not only he texted me that but he also wrote me a message online.

Well, he is right.  It is what I tell almost everyone because it is often the truth.

“The text has disappeared under the interpretation.” – Friedrich Nietsche

The realtor –  The one I mentioned in a couple of posts ago. I described how on the first date he kept trying to kiss and hug me even after I told him numerous times to stop.  Still I was wondering if I should go on a second date or not, as I thought perhaps there was potential if he would keep his hands to himself.

That is until I get a text that says: “I would like to schedule our second hug”.  Clearly he is not listening and has only physical interaction on his mind.

Needless to say there will not be a second date or hug.

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”  – George Bernard Shaw

I am not taking the replies from the above guys personally.  It is coming from a place of pain.  They thought I would be their future and I turn out to be just one date.  I have been there.  I have been on dates where I thought all it was perfect and then I  never heard from them again.

I am feeling blessed.  I think I dodged a few bullets.

I find myself in a conundrum.  I want to have an open mind and go on dates with guys that at first glance are not really my type but that perhaps will surprise me, and yet I see the need now to be even more discriminating.

“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.” – E.E. Cummings

 

 

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No More Miss Nice Girl

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“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.” – Henry David Thoreau

I was watching a Roland Garros tennis match on TV the other day. A player was easily winning when he missed an easy shot.  His game then totally fell apart and he went on to lose the match.

I remember when I was learning to play tennis the instructor said to me right after I had missed a shot:  “Forget that ball and move on.”

He used to say that trying to figure out what I did wrong on that last play or to keep admonishing myself about a mistake would just cause me to lose focus and lose the next point.

I think that it was what happened to that player.  That mistake stayed in his mind and it prevented him from concentrating on the next point.

I am applying that thinking to my relationships.  Sometimes I keep trying to dissect a failed relationship to see where I went wrong.  Or I keep thinking about the person that is gone in the hope that he will return.

“Be here now.” – Ram Dass

I should let go of the last relationship and focus on the current one, or in the search of the next one.

Concentrating on something in the past that I have no control over only keeps me from being 100% present in the here and now.

I realize that even though I am trying to be in the moment,  I keep leaving the door open for the past to be flooding back.

“The past can’t hurt you anymore, not unless you let it.”  – Alan Moore

I always thought it was cold or mean to close the door on people.  I keep hoping that I can be friends with everyone.  But if they have already hurt, disrespected, mistreated me in some way in the past why give them a chance to do it again?

I keep writing about guys from the past contacting me over and over again.  Just last week Peter, remember, the guy I went to the Opera with.  You can just go to my Home page and search for Peter and you can see all the posts about him.  He texted me saying hello.  I replied.  We exchanged a few texts.  Then a few days later he called me twice, but didn’t leave any message when I didn’t answer. Wisely I didn’t call back, but I was tempted.

Why did I bother replying to that text? What is the point?  I didn’t want to ignore him, or anyone for that matter.

“No man is rich enough to buy back his past.” – Oscar Wilde

I want to be nice and kind to all.  I want to treat all as I want to be treated.  If I send someone a message I hope to get a reply.  I want to believe in forgiveness and redemption.

But perhaps there is something else at play.  Perhaps besides my need to be nice, I also entertain “hope”.  The hope that this person has returned changed.  He now sees what he is missing and will act accordingly.

As they say:  You don’t know what you’ve got until it is gone.  They are back because they miss me or so I tell myself.

“If it’s over, then don’t let the past screw up the rest of your life.” – Nicholas Sparks

But it torments me.  I started thinking about him again.  I start thinking what if.

It never works out that way.  Whatever they were guilty of before they will do it again.  I did not call Peter back and I will not reply if he reaches out again.  He and anybody else from the past.

It will be really hard to ignore a text, call or email, but I feel I need to do it.  I need to choose me and my sanity.   I need to be free and clear of all the men from the past.  I will shut the door on all those past relationships once and for all.

I am tired of leaving the door open for the past to sneak in and wreak havoc again.

“When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago.”  – Friedrich Nietzsch

 

 

Can brutal honesty interfere with a goal, disrupt a plan and discourage a dreamer?

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“Be careful what you water your dreams with. Water them with worry and fear and you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dream. Water them with optimism and solutions and you will cultivate success. Always be on the lookout for ways to turn a problem into an opportunity for success. Always be on the lookout for ways to nurture your dream.” – Lao Tzu

A very good friend of mine is developing a product that he hopes to sell in stores very soon. It is a food item and he asked me to taste a prototype. Before tasting it I told him that I was going to be brutally honest. He insisted on it.

While sitting in his car last night and while he anxiously watched I proceeded to taste it. First I smelled it, looked at it, and then took an initial bite. There wasn’t really much aroma to it. I took a few more bites and started writing down my thoughts about it. How did I feel about the taste, texture, sweetness?

Even before I finished my evaluation he started reading my findings. It was not all positive. I found that I couldn’t really detect a flavor – not that it had one to be detected. He mentioned this will be an original flavor and then with time there will be flavor varieties.

I also thought it needed to be sweeter. I am one of those people that likes to taste salt if something is savory and sugar if something is sweet. I also thought that it left somewhat of a coating in my mouth and tongue and perhaps a bit of an aftertaste.

Even with all that said it was not as bad as I thought it would be. I am not a fan of this category of food anyway. While it didn’t offend me taste wise it also didn’t excite me, but none of the items in that product line do.

“Hold fast to dreams,
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird,
That cannot fly.”
―Langston Hughes

Later on while I am in bed trying to go to sleep I started thinking about my criticism of his product. He has been working on this for years. How would I feel to hear all that about something I was working on?

I was honest. I am proud of that fact, but is there such a thing as too much honesty? I could be wrong, very wrong.  I started second guessing myself.  This is very subjective.

It could dishearten him. What if my opinion gets him to lose his determination? I would hate for someone to change a winning formula because of me.  Or worst, to give up on their dreams because of me.

I also didn’t want to lie and say I enjoyed something I didn’t.

This morning I wrote him. I told him that maybe I was too harsh. I have food issues and his customer base will be the ones that see food as fuel and not as pleasure as I do. I told him that he and his dreams are important to me and he should follow his gut, heart and dreams.

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” – Paulo Coelho

He was kind in his reply. He said I was overthinking this. He said that he wants this product to attract the masses, especially the people that are not concerned with their nutrition – the ones that need it the most – according to him. He thanked me for my feedback and said there will be more tasting in the future.

He added: “If you choose to stay up and barely sleep thinking of me you can certainly do so. I find it very flattering!”

It got me thinking of dreams and the determination that takes to follow them. I appreciate those people that have a passion and go after it. I envy them. Specially the ones that get criticized and get no after no.  It takes passion, love, heart, and a thick skin.

What about my dreams?  I am floundering, toying with this and that while the days go by. Where is my passion? Did it show up and I didn’t recognize it? Or is it still coming?

Once the product is in production I will let everyone know what it is.

“When you know someone’s dream you look at that person differently—with more tenderness, respect, familiarity, sympathy, and generosity than before. Look at everyone you meet this week and actively think to yourself, “I wonder what their dreams are?” – Danielle LaPorte

Dates, friends and the whatnots

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Dental Issues: I had a laser treatment called Lapip done to try to save a couple of implants I have. I had several shots of local anesthesia so other than the pain of the needle there was only minor discomfort afterwards. Now, fingers crossed and invoking the help of angels, I pray that it will work. Otherwise I will need to return and have the implant(s) removed. Please send me a positive vibe. 🙂

Cheating?
Not even close. My married pal and I have been keeping the texting strictly platonic.   We haven’t texted much, but when we do it, it is mostly fun and platonic.

In the beginning it seemed that things would veer off the friendship course and into the sexual realm. Incredibly and happily, they did not.

I realized that I can be quite an instigator. Once I started paying more attention to what I was saying/writing and staying away from innuendos, he caught on and toned things down also.

“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.”  – Paulo Coelho

It was good for me to realize that I needed to take accountability for my actions and to realize that it was all up to me.  I am not a victim, this time or ever.

It feels good to just be friendly without the added pressure of wondering if it will go any further.

Trips down memory lane are a waste of time and energy. They don’t add anything to my present or future. It glamorizes a time that perhaps it was not even that great, but the absence of it makes it appear so.

“Yet in opinions look not always back,–
Your wake is nothing, mind the coming track;
Leave what you’ve done for what you have to do;
Don’t be “consistent,” but be simply true.” – 
― Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr. 

Friends with Benefits?
Not really full benefits, just a little perk every now and then.

Last Thursday my doctor friend and I got together again for dinner. This time it was just food, drinks and conversation.  We went to Rio Bravo in Larchmont, NY.  It was late and all the other places we wanted to go to were already closing their kitchens.  That is the problem with the suburbs… the kitchens close at 9:30.  The food and service was great.

We normally talk about everything, life, philosophy, spiritualism, etc.  Sometimes there is flirting, sometimes there is not.  This time there was no flirting or kissing.  It was equally fun.  I enjoy his company period.

I don’t think many people would understand it, but so far it works for us.   The deep, meaningful conversations is what I treasure most.  Kissing may happen or may not, and it hardly makes a difference.

“There can be no life without change, and to be afraid of what is different or unfamiliar is to be afraid of life.” – Theodore Roosevelt

I know, it is still crazy for me that I am okay with that.  It is crazy to discover this new side of me.  I normally like thinks defined, black or white, yes or no.  To find out that I am perfectly okay with this situation is freeing.

I think it works because, not only I don’t expect anything more than what it is, I don’t want it either.  I like things just the way they are.

This feels exactly like what freedom should taste like. There is this calm, no pressure, no expectation and I love it!!

“Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.” – Anthony Robbins

Dating?
Some.

Last Monday I met the Nature/Science writer.  We went to Wine 34, a fun, as the name would indicate, wine bar on 34th street. The food and drinks were great. He is very smart and loves to talk so there was no silent moments.  There was no hint of romantic chemistry for me.  He wants a second date. I didn’t give a final answer yet, but I think there will be no second date.  I don’t want to waste his or my time. And even worst, I don’t want to give him false hope.

Last night I finally met the realtor that I have been speaking to for the past couple of months.  I give him credit for his patience and not giving up.  We went to Favela Cubana near Washington Square Park.  As the name would hint at, the food was Brazilian and Cuban.  Some dishes were good, but the pao de queijo was awful. My date had 3 Bloody Marys and a gin and tonic. I had a passion fruit caipirinha and then I tried a drink made with St. Germain, which is a liquor that I enjoy.  They were both good.

He was a very nice guy and the jury is still out on if there will be a second date or not, but I am leaning towards not.  He kissed me, a quick peck on the lips and that was okay.  But then he just kept wanting to kiss me again.  There is nothing more annoying to me than to keep saying no to someone.  What is the rush?  I hate feeling pressured.

The data architect is still in the picture.  We haven’t met again due to our conflicting schedules.  I don’t detect romance but he is just such a nice person and with all this texting we have become friends.  I think I will meet again and see what happens.

“The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.” – Albert Einstein

Is this cheating or just a harmless trip down memory lane?

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My soul is a hidden orchestra; I know not what instruments, what fiddlestrings and harps, drums and tamboura I sound and clash inside myself. All I hear is the symphony.” – Fernando Pessoa

On May 1st, while at the casino with my mom I got a text from a ghost from the past.  This one: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2017/10/20/determined-and-no-longer-feeling-lost/

We hadn’t spoken in over a year.  Back then, as that post described, I felt it was not smart to continue exchanging messages with him.  Our texting, or should I call it sexting since most of what we talked about would make most people blush, no longer seemed appropriate.

I always enjoyed the texting as it was laced with the possibility of all happening again, but then he was an engaged man.  I could not longer deny that he was an unavailable man.  Reliving the past was no longer a possibility.  I thought we could just text as friends but, when, without missing a beat, he made a sexually flirty comment I asked for a break. I felt offended, used and possibly a little hurt that he had chosen to marry someone else (if I am to be completely transparent).

He obliged and never reached out until now.  For some reason I knew we would speak again and I was actually surprised it took him this long to text.  I was also firm on my resolve to ignore him if he ever reached out again.

That resolve completely disappeared the moment he reached out with the excuse that he thought he had seen me walking down 34th street as he was going by in a cab. I hesitated for half a second, then replied.  Seeing his name on my phone made me happy.  Enough time had gone by that I was no longer hurt.

“I have found both freedom and safety in my madness; the freedom of loneliness and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us.” – Kahlil Gibran

I miss him.  We were friends for a long time.  The dating/sex stuff was part of it, but I like to believe that we had a strong connection even outside of that.  We have a history and good memories that we are both fond of.  I don’t think he lied to me.  I think he didn’t volunteer a lot and, honestly, I probably didn’t want to know.   I was telling myself that the girlfriend was not serious.  Sometimes ignorance is bliss.  Until it bites us on the face. Face bites are painful and hard to ignore!

We now have been texting every now and then, and getting very near to the conversations of the past.  I know what he is after.  It is the same thing that attracts me to him.  No, it is not sex.  It is the idea of sex.  It is the excitement and possibilities of sex.  It is the memories of the sex we had before.  He, I am sure, doesn’t want to risk his marriage.  Me, I am sure, I don’t want to carry the karma of messing up a marriage.

He knows exactly how to make me weak in the knees.  Just the idea of him still does it for me.  I know exactly how to push his buttons and make him forget his name and his way home.  He is probably already bored in his marriage and I miss that incredible chemistry we had.  I miss the idea of him.  I miss being intimate with someone, even if it is just in memories.

Then I look in the mirror and staring back at me is fraud, is phony, is hypocrisy.  This is a slippery road.  I am flirting with disaster.  I have been cheated on before.  I know the pain.  I don’t want to cause it on anyone for any reason.  I know we will not be physical with each other but talking about it seems harmful enough, or is it harmless?  When is cheating really cheating? What counts as cheating?

what we could be
if we stopped
carrying the remains
of who we were.” – Tyler Knott Gregson

And here I am writing this in the hopes that you will absolve me and give me permission to make trips down memory lane with this one person.  I want you to tell me that it is okay if sometimes the conversation veer into the past, and into x-rated territory.

I sit here, shameful and blameless, absolving myself and assuming full blame.  It is not easy to ignore his texts.  I don’t want to ignore his texts.  But do I have to?  Why can I explore a playful side without any consequences?

Who am I kidding?  There is a consequence to every action. Even if I want to look the other way.

Here I am again confusing drama with excitement and trying to blur the lines.  If I am intent on making a mistake, shouldn’t I go out and make new ones, and therefore learn new lessons?

I know the answer to all the questions swirling around in my mind.  I have a moral compass that sometimes I wish would just take a day off.

It is just that sometimes getting burn seems like a much better proposition than the mundane nothingness of everyday.

“Oh Sometimes I want a quiet life, other times I want to go a little bit fucking Gatsby.” Atticus

 

Am I getting a friend with benefit? Have I become that person?

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“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.” – Henry David Thoreau

Am I getting a friend with benefit? Have I become that person?  .. Well not quite, but inching closer.

I broke a record last night. I had 4 drinks. I had 3 passion fruit mojitos and 1 frozen cosmopolitan. I don’t think I ever had that many drinks in one single evening before but in my defense we started at 5 pm, so it was in the course of a long night. I have never gotten drunk in my life, and yesterday was no exception. I didn’t even feel tipsy.

Getting up at 5:45am this morning after going to bed after midnight was no fun. However I am so completely happy. I needed that night out. I needed to let my hair down. I needed to get caught in the rain. I needed to feel alive.

Last night I met my doctor friend at the Pampano Restaurant in NYC. This is where we went last time we got together. That last time was an impromptu dinner date. I had been to his office and he had asked me if I wanted to grab dinner. We walked around NYC until we stumbled into Pampano. We were happy we did. So when he asked me if I wanted to return there I happily said yes. I had been dreaming about their passion fruit mojitos.

We had been talking about getting together since that last time. He seemed eager to see me. All of a sudden his texting seemed to have more kissing icons and then there was his calling me love and sweetie. Was he always like that and I just only now noticed? At any rate I just joined in, welcoming the attention.

We met at 5pm and sat at the bar for about 1 hour then we moved upstairs to have dinner. We love everything about that place. The food, the service, everything was impeccable. We had fish for every course, halibut, tuna and groper. We enjoyed them all. For dessert we had the Mexican chocolate cake and it was so yummy.  He also had Mexican coffee and I had a couple of sips of that.  I had never tried it before and it was surprisingly good and stronger than all of the other drinks.

Besides a quick 5 minutes on how I am doing with my gluten free diet (poorly) and taking my vitamins (better), we mostly talked about life and being in the moment.  Contrary to the last time we were there, this time included a lot of flirting. I knew and he knew that kissing was a just a matter of time. It happened right before the dessert. I got up to go to the ladies room and he pulled me to him and kissed me. I kissed him again upon returning to the table.

When we left the restaurant we decided to walk around the area and find a cute bar to go into. It started to drizzle and we just walked in the rain holding hands and stopping to kiss at times.

“Happiness, not in another place but this place…not for another hour, but this hour.” – Walt Whitman

I was in the moment, truly enjoying every second of it. The attention, the alcohol, the kissing, the rain, everything contributed to make it all perfect.

I know we are not a couple and I know we will not be a couple. Nothing has changed, and I am okay with that. In fact, I want that. I don’t want things to change. I want to remain friends.

It is hard to explain. I like him. He likes me. We have deep, amazing conversations. He challenges me and I challenge him. He lets me know when I am not being in the moment or when I let my ego get in the way of things. I point out when he is not behaving as he preaches. We have similar ideas about life and what we want to do now and upon retirement. We are both so grateful and incredibly aware of the blessings we have been given.  Somehow all of that doesn’t seem enough to make a romantic relationship work. Actually, not even that. All that is not enough for him to want a relationship with me.

In the past I questioned that.  I didn’t ask him.  I spend time trying to figure that out.  As I mentioned before, we attempted dating in the past, around 3 years ago. I was more into him than he was into me, or perhaps into being in a relationship. When he disappeared I understood that he didn’t want anything serious. I was upset for a little bit but decided to get over it. When he came back, I welcomed him back as a friend. We didn’t talk about his disappearance, we also didn’t resume the romance part of it. It was strictly friends. Until last night.

I see now that in the past I took things personally, trying to find a fault, a reason why he didn’t want to continue dating. I am no longer even curious about that. I realize things are just as they should be. Even though on paper and on a date here and there we may look perfect together I think that we could never make it far as a couple.

Last night we added kissing to our friendship. I know that it may blur the lines or make things messy but I think I can handle it. Somehow, and perhaps foolishly, I believe we both can just have this kissing every now and then not affect or change anything. Of course everything remains to be seen.

“I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can’t see from the center.” – Kurt Vonnegut

I just need to make sure that kissing is all that there will ever be. Sex creates drama and casual sex is not for me. I know myself and know I would get emotionally attached.  I would have expectations.

To finish the evening we walked into a place called Lips. It turned out to be a Drag Queen show place. It was towards the end of the show but we still got to see the host telling some jokes, and then Mary J. Blige and Lady Gaga. It was so much fun. The place was very welcoming the moment we walked in. I would definitely return.

After that we took an Uber to where he had parked his car and he drove me home.

I love that I have no expectations and that I am perfectly fine with things the way they are. I will definitely see him again, perhaps for dinner or brunch, perhaps with kissing or without it. Maybe next week, or in a few months.  And it will be fine and enjoyable.

It is wonderful to discover that I can change.  That I can be accepting. That I can be okay with living on surprises and having no expectations. I feel stronger emotionally.  Things can be more than black and white. The present moment can actually be better than the expectations I have for the future.

Here is to blurring lines and being okay with it!

“Don’t live the same day over and over again and call that a life. Life is about evolving mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.” – Germany Kent

Not losing is winning, or so I tell myself! :-)

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All continues to be crazy busy for me between work and having my mom and my brother’s girlfriend in town.

Mom turned 83 on May 1st.  To celebrate it we went to Foxwoods and Mohegan Sun casinos.  We didn’t win any money but didn’t lose much either.  We had a lot laughs and great meals.  All in all I will call it a winning 3 days.

As far as dating,  things have been very quiet.  With my mom here I prefer to dedicate my free time to her.  I am so incredibly blessed to still have her around and since I only see her twice a year I want to make sure I am not wasting that time.  She is leaving tonight so now I will find the time to meet a couple of guys waiting in the wings.  I give them a lot credit for waiting around for this long.  They will be rewarded with taking me to dinner 🙂 just kidding.

There is also the data architect from a previous post.  He is so sweet keeping in touch and sending me pictures of mosaics as he encounters them in his daily travels.  I am not sure there are any romance vibes but I think its thoughtfulness is worth a second date.

“We’re all islands shouting lies to each other across seas of misunderstanding.” – Rudyard Kipling

Then there was the widower that was so interested in me and begging me to give him a second chance after that faux pas of telling me he thought he spent too much on the first and second dates.  He had been writing daily then all of a sudden went silent.  I attributed that to the the fickle way some people are.  I don’t want to say that is solely an internet dating issue but it seems to be easier for people to just disappear after meeting online.

Nothing surprises me anymore.  That is the reason I am more guarded then ever when it comes to jumping into relationships.  People are fickle. One day they love you, the other they found someone else.   I don’t think he and I would have had a future, it is just disappointing when people just disappear with no explanation.

Then on April 29 I get a text from him:

I didn’t reply to that.  I actually didn’t know what to say.  At first I was annoyed that he chose to disappear and then all of a sudden come back with that. If you disappear, just stay away, don’t come back after 2 weeks to say good bye. Then I didn’t like that his text made it seem that I was the one more interested in him and he was breaking up with me. As far as I knew he was still trying to get a 3rd date.

I guess I could have said ” Best wishes”, but I didn’t.  Now time has passed and I am indifferent about it, only mentioning it to keep you guys informed, in case anyone is keeping track of my boring dating life.

“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.” – Kahlil Gibran

Then there is my doctor friend that lately is being really friendly and wanting to hang out.  He has started addressing me as love and sweetie and seems eager than usual to see me.  I am going along with the terms of endearment.  I enjoy the attention and love spending time with him but I wonder if there is more interest than just friendship.

We dated for a few months years ago.  While the romance never blossomed, a beautiful platonic relationship flourished.  I treasure the friendship we have and want to make sure it doesn’t get damaged.  I don’t know at this point if I would want anything romantic with him.  I did at some point and it seemed he was lukewarm about it, so things fizzled out.

We set a date to meet: Thursday night!  We shall see.  I guess a fun flirty friend is not a bad thing to have.  As long as we are on the same page Thursday can be a lot fun.

Stay tuned…

“Never close your lips to those whom you have already opened your heart.” – Charles Dickens

Mentally refreshed, physically exhausted and seeing everything with new eyes!

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“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” – Marcel Proust

My plan for this trip to Brazil was to just relax, read and spend time with family.  I go to Brazil at least twice a year, so it has become a routine.  When things become a routine we no longer give the proper appreciation or care to it.  I am blessed to be able to go see my family twice a year.  I know so many people that haven’t seen their parents in years.

Noticing I was becoming blase about it I decided a change of attitude was needed.  I decided to not see it as routine but as a brand new blessing.  I came across that Marcel Proust quote above and sent it to a friend that I knew would appreciate it and support me on this new attitude.

Armed with my new attitude I get to the airport and come face to face with this writing on the wall (in the picture below) at my departing gate.  It seems even the airport is trying to open and refresh my eyes.  Indeed the message is: new eyes, new way to see things.

At the gate for my flight to Brazil

I am not sure I have been 100% successful in seeing Brazil with new eyes. I am a firm believer that recognizing that change is needed and working towards it is in itself a success. The key is moving forward towards your intended goal, the speed at which you do it is less important.

With new resolve and resolution one needs to be constantly reminded to make sure not to fall back into old patterns, views and actions.  Every morning I greet the world with gratitude and I tell myself: It is a brand new day, full of brand new blessings, go out and find and see them!

How about we all start looking at everything with new eyes? How about we don’t assume we already know the outcome of something even if we have performed it 100 times before?  Let’s be in the moment and allow every new moment to surprise us! 

Let’s look at people with new eyes and give them a chance to reintroduce themselves. I am not the person I was yesterday, why do I assume others are still the same?

“Every now and then a man’s mind is stretched by a new idea or sensation, and never shrinks back to its former dimensions.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

I spent time with my family but there was no reading or resting.  My brother is moving to a house in the back of my mother’s house. I spent every waking hour helping him get that house cleared up and ready to move in.  That little house had become storage space for anything that was no longer wanted.

At the end of the day I was so physically exhausted that I couldn’t think about doing anything other than going to sleep.  For the first time ever I didn’t log into work.  I didn’t check the bank for payments.  I didn’t check emails for customer’s requests.

This is also the first time that I have been told that I look refreshed and happier after returning from a trip. I do love manual labor, the dirtier and messier something is the more I enjoy cleaning.  I let my mind go and focus on the labor at hand.  It is totally cathartic to me.

“Be willing to be a beginner every single morning.”  – Meister Eckart

And here is an odd thing: I didn’t have hives a single time in Brazil. I have had them every day since I have returned.  In Brazil I didn’t follow the gluten free diet I had been trying to follow. I ate whatever I wanted. Does that mean that the hives is not related to what I am eating?  Is it pollution, something at work,  something in my apartment, perhaps it is a combination of factors?  I am continuing to write down all I eat in an effort to pinpoint the culprit.  I do know that stress is a major contributing factor.

My brother’s move is a great thing. My parents are older so they need more assistance and is a great relief to have him near them.

I am blessed to still have my parents. My dad is 80 and still going strong after battling cancer.  He lost a leg to it but he is now stronger than ever.  My mom is turning 83 and even after battling depression and other issues stemming from a mild stroke she is doing amazing.  She doesn’t look anywhere near her age.

As usual every time I go to Brazil my mother returns with me and stays for a couple of weeks.  For her birthday on May 1st we will be spending a couple of days at Foxwoods Casino in CT.  Mom being here means eating, gambling and shopping, but I am trying to pace myself.  Here is to a next several days of celebration and fun!!

“Life is nothing to be very serious about. Life is a ball in your hands to play with. Don’t hold on to the ball.”- Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

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I am a beautiful grateful mess

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I am mess!  I am a beautiful blessed mess!  There is a difference.  There is a big difference.

I have so much to write about.  Unfortunately time has been escaping from me lately.  I leave for Brazil on Saturday and I am trying to leave it all perfect and organized.  I should know better.  Nothing is ever perfect and as organized as I would like.  I just need to be okay with “almost” almost perfect, almost organized.

I apologize in advance for the errors and for the length of this post.

First some dating updates:

The widower is still in the picture but barely. It is disappointing really how.   I wish I had the time to go into detail, and I will try to do it in the future.  For now I will just say that the cause of things cooling down was financial. He hinted that he had spent too much money on me for the first and second date.   That caused me to cancel the 3rd date.  He apologized, and asked for another chance, for another date to talk things through.  I said I would think about it.  We are still texting and he still a nice person.  I get it he was trying to impress me but I don’t need to know that he thinks he overspend.  Of course now he is trying to take it all back but the damage is done.   Perhaps when I return from my trip we will meet and talk things out.  He is still a nice guy, perhaps just a little rusty on the dating department.  We still text every day.

The data architect and I still text and we will be going on a date when I return.  He asked me out a few times, but I have been too busy to accept.  He has been very understanding of my lack of time.  Even if we don’t work romantically I think we can be great friends.

The litigation attorney calls every now and then.  He had to cancel date last week due to a family emergency out of town.  We may get together when I return but I am not so sure.  At this point we have been friendly but I don’t think that we have much of a connection, even for a friendship.

I have been texting  2 other guys: A real estate broker and an Union worker.  I will probably meet them when I return.  I look forward to meeting them.

Even though it may seem I talk to too many guys I find this exchange of ideas, energy and this world of possibility such a source of distraction and even a calm in the chaos that my life is sometimes.

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I physically feel like a mess.  My body seems to be revolting against me.  It started with the issues with the teeth/gums and the chronic hives.  Then the dizziness and nausea.  Now my right eye is a bit swollen and red on the outer corner.  It is not really painful. At times I feel that something is off.   Then a rash that appeared on my thigh hasn’t gone away and a similar one has appeared on the both sides of my neck.

It seems I turned 52 and my body totally gave up.

What and what I am doing:

Gums/Teeth:  Yesterday I saw a new dentist.  When I got my records from my old dentist I was floored when I calculated how much I had spent on my teeth.  With this one dentist alone since 1999 I spent over $35,000.00.  Now add to that work done prior to 1999 and the work done in Brazil as every time I go to Brazil I get at least a cleaning.  I think it is safe to say I have spent around $50,000 on my teeth and none of it is cosmetic.

I have already a procedure scheduled for when I return from Brazil.  We will be trying to save one of the implants in lower back right side.  The tooth and gum on the front tooth unfortunately I have been told  that I need to wait to finish healing and I have to learn to live with it as there is not much that can be done at this point.

Chronic Hives: The allergist, the dermatologist and the internist all say they can’t find a reason/source and that I should just take an over the counter allergy pill every morning.  I haven’t done that yet.  I want to find the reason and not just pacify the symptoms.

The rash: I thought it was hives but this rash on my left hip is around for the past month. The skin doctor gave me a prescription for a cortisone cream and offered to do a biopsy if doesn’t get better.  I used the cream for a couple of days but half of the time I forget. Now I have a similar rash on my right hip and on both sides of my neck.  I have removed a chain with a cross that I always used and have stopped using lotions and perfume.

The dizziness and the nausea:  I have noticed that I am getting them when I am about to get my period.  This is a new thing but at least it seems to have a reason.  Menopause perhaps? oh the joys of being a woman and aging.

Red/swollen Eye:  I am not sure what it is, perhaps some kind of allergy.  I don’t have the energy and the time to go to a doctor now. When I get to Brazil if it doesn’t magically get better I will see a doctor there.

Thoracic Outlet Syndrome: I really have done nothing about that other than some cupping and acupuncture sessions.  I stopped some of the light weight training I was doing and doing pranks every night and it seemed to get better.  I know that it is not the answer.  I need to have a better solution that just stopping the exercise I was doing.

Hip pain:  I just learned to live with it.  One can get used to anything in live including pain.  I know the exercises I need to do from when I had physical therapy for it.  I just need to get my act together and do them consistently.

My natural doctor friend things that if I cut gluten out of my life and follow an anti-inflammation diet that a lot of what ails me physically will go away.

I did a saliva test from a kit that he gave to me and it showed that I am highly sensitive to gluten.  I was afraid that he was going to say that sugar was the devil in my life but he says that gluten is actually the worst villain.

I am also keeping a food and symptoms journal.  Writing down all I eat and how I feel should help me understand more what is happening to my body and perhaps the source of the itching.

I am also changing all detergent, lotions, etc to more natural hypo-allergenic options.  I am even considering removing the carpeting I have in my bedroom.

My friend also wants me to meditate, do more fun things, drink tea, etc.  I agree, I know stress has a lot to do with it all.  If it is not the cause, it certainty exacerbates it. I have been feeling under constant stress at work and at home.

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Still, I am so insanely, immensely blessed.   The list of what ails me is long but it is so incredibly small when compared to the list of all my blessings.  I never lose sight of how blessed I am.  So much more to be thankful for that to cry about it.

This is a phase.  This is such a big chance to change my life around and focus on my health and all that is really important to me.

This is a reminder to be grateful and to say thanks.  So Thank you God and the Universe for all the light that shines on me. Thank you for giving me a chance to be better.

“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

A kiss, a song and a third date

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“If I cease searching, then, woe is me, I am lost. That is how I look at it – keep going, keep going come what may.”  – Vincent van Gogh, The Letters of Vincent van Gogh

Update on the post entitled “3 Last Dates”:

The attorney.  We met again one night when I was out with my sister and a friend.  We are supposed to go out for a drink this week.

I suspect he is on the cheaper side as he says:  “let’s go for a drink, something simple, not complicated”.  I think that “not complicated” means cheap.

I don’t need a guy to spend money on me but when he is going out of his way to be cheap this early on it makes me wonder what will happen later on in the relationship.

Clearly he likes me, so I am not sure why he doesn’t want to go to dinner and spend more time together. Perhaps I am just spoiled because most of my dates include dinner.

I am still not sure how I feel about him but I figure there is no harm in meeting a third time.

The data architect.  He seems like a great guy, always keeping in touch.  He has been trying to see me but we haven’t been able to set a date.  I have been busy with my sister and a friend.  When I was free he had to go away for business.

He just returned to town today and texted me mentioning we should get together.  I need to choose an evening to meet.

I am still not sure how I feel about him.  I will probably meet up for a second time if we find the time.

The Real Estate Agent

We exchanged a few messages after that first date, but then he just faded away.  I think he expected me to contact him.  I didn’t.  I wan’t that interested and didn’t want to lead him on.

“What should I possibly have to tell you, oh venerable one? Perhaps that you’re searching far too much? That in all that searching, you don’t find the time for finding?” – Herman Hesse, Siddhartha

In the meantime I met somebody else.  He is 10 years older than I am. He was a software salesman but now makes money by trading stocks.

We almost didn’t meet.  We were scheduled to meet a couple of months ago but the day before the date he texted me and said that he was dating somebody else.  I was confused as he had just confirmed the date the prior day.  He said he couldn’t date more than one person.

I was not happy but said ok and wished him luck.

Last week I received a message on Match from a guy asking me if I wanted to try meeting again.  I assumed that he was just a guy that I had passed on earlier.  Feeling like he deserved a second chance for reaching out again I said okay without looking at his profile.

Later when I looked at his profile I realized who he was.  Had I realized he was that guy that had canceled on me I would have probably ignored him

I normally never choose the place for the first date but since he insisted that he owed me a nice dinner and there was a new restaurant in my town I wanted to go to I decided to take him up on it and chose it.

We went to a bistro called Vento that serves Italian Coastal cuisine.  I had the branzino with artichoke, tomato and olive sauce, which the chef tried to talk me out of it telling me to choose a more delicate sauce.  I was very happy with my choice.  For dessert I had the key lime tart and it was delicious.

My date was well dressed and charming.  He is a widower having lost his wife last summer.  He seems ready to date but I am not sure. He seems a bit too eager.  Did he really like me that much?

For the second date which happened 3 days later we went to Erminia, a small candlelit Roman restaurant in NY city.  I had fish again and it was good but nothing special.  I had eggplant as an appetizer, again it was okay.  For dessert I had berries and cream.  The meal was good but I expected a little more for the price and setting.  The service though was impeccable.  We were there for hours and never felt rushed.

The conversation was great.  He complimented me many times.  He was polite, thoughtful, honest, charming, an all around great person.

We are supposed to go out this Thursday.  He seems to like me too much.  Yes, there is such a thing when you just meet someone.  It makes me want to run.  I told him to continue meeting other people as I will do the same.  He says he has no interest in meeting anybody else and rather focus on me. He says if it doesn’t work between us then he will go back to Match.  I made sure he knows that I will remain on the site and will date others until I decide to focus on one person.

I have been over-excited about guys on the first few dates in the past only to be left extremely disappointed.  I am not doing that again even if I feel it could go somewhere.  I rather go slow and use the “wait and see” approach.

At the end of the second date when he dropped me off I leaned over to give him a kiss good night on the cheek, he turned and it became a little more than that.  It was good even though I had gum in my mouth.  I wouldn’t mind kissing him again.  In fact I want to kiss him again.

One day after the second date he wrote me a song and send me the video.  It was a fun song, really creative, talking about having me in his mind all the time.  He composes, sings and plays the guitar.  He used to be in a band in the past.  His voice is beautiful. I can’t help but feel special. No one has ever written me a song before.

Slowly and cautiously I proceed.  And I still search knowing fully well that what I search will eventually find me.  When I least expect it will slowly walk in and easily, peacefully win my heart. Or perhaps not.  Perhaps it will crash in, cause a major disturbance and just consume me whole. It will be awesome either way!  It will happen, I believe!

“When someone seeks,” said Siddhartha, “then it easily happens that his eyes see only the thing that he seeks, and he is able to find nothing, to take in nothing because he always thinks only about the thing he is seeking, because he has one goal, because he is obsessed with his goal. Seeking means: having a goal. But finding means: being free, being open, having no goal.”  – Herman Hesse, Siddhartha