It is still Halloween here

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“The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existence. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery each day. 
—”Old Man’s Advice to Youth: ‘Never Lose a Holy Curiosity.'” LIFE Magazine (2 May 1955) p. 64”

Hi everyone, I hope you all had a safe and fun Halloween.  Growing up in Brazil there was no Halloween, so I never got into it. I never cared for dressing up in costumes, even at Carnaval, so last night was uneventful.  I have been mostly glued to the news about the elections in Brazil.

Trump, I mean, Bolsonaro lost, and because he has been following Trump’s playbook, he has yet to call Lula, the president elect, to congratulate him and concede defeat.

I fear the protests.  Not the peaceful protests, but the ones that aim to just cause chaos and disruption.  Any kind of fanatical behavior scares me. Most of the ones protesting have really no grasp on why they are doing what they are doing.   Blind allegiance is scary. 

Don’t get me wrong, similar to the US, there was a lack of good candidates.  But between the two, I am taking Lula.  I didn’t vote, but I would vote for taking care of the rain forest, for the better treatment of the indians, the poor, the minorities and the women.  My vote has been always for peace.

I pray. May there be peace! In Brazil, and in the world!

“The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science.”
― Albert Einstein, The World As I See It

Here is another piece I finished.  I am having fun coming up with these weird stuff. It was not meant to be weird.  Actually,  I really had no idea what it would look like.  It has been fun being creative.

My sister adored this one.  She is my biggest fan, but she can also be a tough critic (she hates that pizza one).  She says it is all about the eyes, that it seems to be staring back and looking in.  It is hard to see that in the pictures. 

I continue to fall more and more in love with mosaics.

“As a rule, the more bizarre a thing is the less mysterious it proves to be. It is your commonplace, featureless crimes which are really puzzling, just as a commonplace face is the most difficult to identify.” ― Arthur Conan Doyle, The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes

Still Sweet, but not yet the One

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“There sits the skiff – over there perhaps is the entryway to the great nothing. But who wants to board this “perhaps”?” ― Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Mr. Sweet continues to be sweet and kind.  But he is not the One… at least not right now.  Right now he is a friend that I go to dinner with every now and then.

He had already told me he didn’t want to date seriously and wanted “to see what is out there”.  Well, I have seen what is out there and it is pretty grim.  Kidding, but not really.

Even though he said he would continue dating, I was under the impression that he was not.  I took his excitement about me as a sign that he would not be interested in looking for anyone else.  I assumed that the reason his Match profile had disappeared was because he was focused only on me.  I assumed that with all the attention/daily texting/calling, that I was the only one.  All my assumptions were not based on reality, but based on what my heart wanted and the stories that sometimes I tell myself.

“It’s dreadful what little things lead people to misunderstand each other.”― L.M. Montgomery, Emily’s Quest

I normally follow: “pay attention to a man’s action and not his words”, and this time that is what tripped me up.  I should have taken his word at face value.   He said he was going to date other people, why would I read in his behavior anything else?

I don’t like to have regrets, but I do regret passing on some people on Match that seemed great just because I thought this was going the distance.  And now they are gone.  Oh well, if they were for really me they wouldn’t be gone, would they?  So I digress, no regrets!

“As soon as we start putting our thoughts into words and sentences everything gets distorted, language is just no damn good—I use it because I have to, but I don’t put any trust in it. We never understand each other.” ― Marcel Duchamp

My heart got excited and forgot to do a reality check about the situation. For starters, his divorce is only just starting, and it looks like it is going to be a long war.  There is a prenuptial agreement involved, but mediation fell through, and she is now ignoring his attorney’s letters.

Then there is the fact that I agree he should stay single, go on dates, have fun. I do not believe someone coming out of a long-term relationship (in this case a 27-year marriage) should immediately embark on another.  

While I am not sure what I want, I did think we had a good thing going and didn’t want him dating around.  I wanted to see where we could go. The future seemed so bright for us, or so I dreamed!

“Life is too long to say anything definitely; always say perhaps.”― Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace

I don’t want to date someone seriously while the person is dating around.  So, for now we are not seriously dating, or dating seriously.  We are dating, meaning we go out to dinner, bars, ect. A kiss every now and then, but that is it.  And I am even rethinking the kissing.  Not because I am a prude, but because I want to protect my heart from getting too tangled up in something not serious.

While dating multiple people may be appealing to some, I now prefer to date intentionally, one person at a time.  I may go on many dates, but if I have more than 2 dates with someone then that is where I will focus my attention and energy.

I must understand that his wanting to see what is out there is not about me. It is about him.  That is the distinction I need to make.  I was taking it all personally.  This is not a rejection, but an opportunity.  Feeling rejected make us victims and take our power away.  This is an opportunity to explore my feelings, wants and needs.

“When things do not go your way, remember that every challenge — every adversity — contains within it the seeds of opportunity and growth.”  Roy T. Bennett

I can’t complain about him.  This is not about him; this is about my feelings and my interpretation of this new relationship.  We agreed on honesty on day 1 and he has lived it up to that.  He continues to be honest, kind and thoughtful.  In this just over 1-month relationship we have met several times alone and 3 times with my sister and my friend.   He continues to bring my sister bagels every time we meet.

The last time we saw each other was Saturday when we went to dinner and walked around NY City with my sister and friend.  He brought his professional camera and took many pictures of us in Times Square.  Always smiling and happy to help, that is something that we share.

“Love can only be found through the act of loving.”  Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

He wanted to try to meet this week:

I am busy with my friend. It is her last week here, so I want this week to be about her.  Also, if I am being completely transparent (and I aim to be) I hate the feeling that he is fitting me among a bunch of dates.

I am excited about his friendship though.  I know that no matter what happens we will remain friends, and I love that part.

He continues to be Mr. Sweet, but there could be Mr. Sweeter for me around the corner.  Or even the Sweetest of them of all.  Or perhaps what I really need is Mr. Semi-Sweet.   I guess I got hurry up and go see what is out there.  Yet Again.

“People say they find love, as if it were an object hidden under a rock. But love takes many forms, and it is never the same for any man and woman. What people find then is a certain love.”  Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Physically back, mentally still away

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“There is a kind of magicness about going far away and then coming back all changed.” ― Kate Douglas Wiggin, New Chronicles of Rebecca

Hi friends,  I will be visiting everyone’s blogs in the next few days and will be catching up on your posts. I do miss you all when I am not around here.  Actually, you are the only routine I missed 🙂

I have been off of work for the past week.  This time I didn’t check in at work at all.  I totally disconnected, I didn’t even check email.  I really needed this break.  I don’t care about work as much anymore (there will be a future post about it).

My friend from Brazil is still here.  She will be here until next Sunday.  It has been fun playing tourist, but also so exhausting.

Among all we did, we spent a day in Mystic, CT, just enjoying the beautiful scenery and stores.  We had some delicious pastries at Sift Bake Shop. 

We spent a day in Westerly, RI. There we spent some time with my friend that lives there and is running for town council.  We attended one of her events, and drove around the beautiful beaches.  Eating at the Verandah at Ocean House in Watch Hill is always a favorite for the amazing water views.

We also spent a couple of days at Foxwoods Casino and Mohegan Sun Casino.  While we didn’t make money, we didn’t really lose much, and it was really fun playing the slots.  While there we shopped at Tanger Outlets. We also had great meals there, specially the one at Ballo Italian Restaurant in Mohegan Sun.

We were sightseeing in New York City for a couple of days. We did a lot walking, which was good since we have been doing a lot eating. The best meal in NY was at Rice and Beans, a Brazilian Restaurant.

Mr. Sweet joined us for that dinner and the night before he took us to an Argentinian restaurant that his friend owns.  He continues to be very sweet, being kind to my friend and bringing bagels for my sister every time we meet.  I will be writing a post about him next.

There has been a lot shopping.  Even though I dislike going shopping, if I am forced to go I end up being the one that buys the most.  Besides the outlets in Foxwoods we also shopped at the outlet stores at Clinton Outlet in Clinton, CT. And not to mention, all the other stores, such as TJ Maxx, Marshalls, Macys, etc.

There was a huge amount of walking, which is always welcomed by me.  My sister and my friend are not used to so much walking, so we got an Uber a couple of times in NY.

This week will be non-stop again, specially since I have to get back to work. During the day, my sister and I will take turns taking my friend to work with us.  Some evenings we will go shopping as she still has some items left on her list, and will also go out to eat as we still have a couple of restaurant to get to.

Stay tuned for the post about Mr. Sweet.  For now, I just wanted to say hello.  Wishing everyone a blessed week! 🙂

“Distance changes utterly when you take the world on foot. A mile becomes a long way, two miles literally considerable, ten miles whopping, fifty miles at the very limits of conception. The world, you realize, is enormous in a way that only you and a small community of fellow hikers know. Planetary scale is your little secret.

Life takes on a neat simplicity, too. Time ceases to have any meaning. When it is dark, you go to bed, and when it is light again you get up, and everything in between is just in between. It’s quite wonderful, really.

You have no engagements, commitments, obligations, or duties; no special ambitions and only the smallest, least complicated of wants; you exist in a tranquil tedium, serenely beyond the reach of exasperation, “far removed from the seats of strife,” as the early explorer and botanist William Bartram put it. All that is required of you is a willingness to trudge.

There is no point in hurrying because you are not actually going anywhere. However far or long you plod, you are always in the same place: in the woods. It’s where you were yesterday, where you will be tomorrow. The woods is one boundless singularity. Every bend in the path presents a prospect indistinguishable from every other, every glimpse into the trees the same tangled mass. For all you know, your route could describe a very large, pointless circle. In a way, it would hardly matter.

At times, you become almost certain that you slabbed this hillside three days ago, crossed this stream yesterday, clambered over this fallen tree at least twice today already. But most of the time you don’t think. No point. Instead, you exist in a kind of mobile Zen mode, your brain like a balloon tethered with string, accompanying but not actually part of the body below. Walking for hours and miles becomes as automatic, as unremarkable, as breathing. At the end of the day you don’t think, “Hey, I did sixteen miles today,” any more than you think, “Hey, I took eight-thousand breaths today.” It’s just what you do.”
― Bill Bryson, A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trail

Still here, still busy, still happy

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“Being busy does not always mean real work. The object of all work is production or accomplishment and to either of these ends there must be forethought, system, planning, intelligence, and honest purpose, as well as perspiration. Seeming to do is not doing.” ― Thomas A. Edison

One of my and my sister’s best friend arrived from Brazil on October 8 to stay until the end of the month, so my busy life got even busier.  But also more fun.

Work continues to interfere with my peaceful and fun life.  The audit is still not finished.  Every few days I get some new request.  And then there are other work stuff.  New brokers being hired, new products being brokered, etc. In the end, it all works out, but until then I struggle.

I am growing so tired of my job. But I will talk about that in a next post.

“Don’t become complacent because ‘things could be worse’ but rather get busy because ‘things could be better’.” ― Bobby Darnell, Time For Dervin – Living Large In Geiggityville

Last Sunday my sister, my friend and I went to Philadelphia to visit a friend.  His birthday is coming up so as an early birthday present we took him and his wife to dinner.  First we stopped at their house and had some cold cuts, cheeses, and a couple of yummy homemade breads that they had ready for us.  His wife is a great baker.  We left with breads and scones as gifts. 

After leaving their home we went to downtown Philadelphia. We walked around sightseeing, saw the Liberty Bell, and then went to dinner at Amada Restaurant.  

Amada is a tapas restaurant.  I love tapas, I love sharing food.  They did tapas with a modern twist. Everything was delicious.  I am still dreaming about a cocktail called Rose Gold.  It is made with vodka, passion fruit and rosemary.

Our day trip to Philly was a success! We hope to go back to spend more time there.

“We mark with light in the memory the few interviews we have had with souls that made our souls wiser, that spoke what we thought, that told us what we knew, that gave us leave to be what we inly are.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mr.  Sweet continues to be a part of my life.  On Monday he went to dinner with my sister, my friend and I.   We had dinner at Posto 22.  We had a great time, a lot laughs.  He continues to be thoughtful.  This time again he brought bagels for my sister.

Even though all is going well, we have been talking about the fact that we were going too fast.  4 dates in 8 days was a bit excessive.  He just travelled to Florida to see his father, and I am busy with my friend.  We agreed that this break is welcomed. 

Mr. Sweet is such a great person, so sweet and thoughtful.  I care about him, and because of that I don’t think he should be dating seriously now.  His divorce papers just got filed.  Chances are his divorce will drag on for a while.  I believe that everyone coming out of a long term relationship/marriage should be alone for awhile before embarking on a new relationship.  

We are still excited about each other, and texting daily.  Still, I have made my profile visible again on Match.  I had put my profile on hold because I was busy and also because I had met him.  His profile remains hidden.

We shall see what the future holds. We both care and don’t want to hurt each other.

“And the danger is that in this move toward new horizons and far directions, that I may lose what I have now, and not find anything except loneliness.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

Next week I will be taking some time off, and my sister, my friend and I will spend some days in Connecticut and some days in Rhode Island.  I so need this break from work.

 

 

Introducing Mr. Sweet

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“We must pursue what’s in front of us, not what we can’t have or what we have lost. We must grasp what we can reach and hold on, fast.” ― Maggie O’Farrell, This Must Be the Place

We met 13 days ago.  We are both amazed how it feels more like 13 months or years.  I have been hesitating about him. It feels so strong and yet it feels so fragile… if that makes any sense.

Something about safeguarding it and not letting the sunlight, the outside in, and spoil all the possibilities. For the bakers out there, do you know when you have a beautiful risen cake in the oven and you open the oven door too early and the cold air makes the beautiful cake collapses?  That is what I am trying to prevent from happening it here. 

I guess I don’t want to jinx it.  But why am I being all superstitious about it?  It is what it is.  Will be what will be. 

Here we go:

Mr. Sweet will be 57 years old next month (making him only 5 months older than I am).  He looks very young for his age.  I think I look young too, so that is a match.  He is shorter than I would like, but I realize that I can’t have it all 😉 

At the moment he is doing something with insurance, I am not sure all the details. He mentioned that he is financially secure – that is important to me – I don’t want to support a man.  The divorce is not final, but it is in the works.  Will save more details for later.

First Date: September 21 at Modern Restaurant.  As I walked in, he left the bar and came to meet me at door.  This little detail meant the world to me.  So many times I have to walk to the bar and wonder who is my date.  I have walked up to the wrong person in the past.

He had a huge smile on his face.  We were seated immediately.  We shared a Caesar salad and a pizza.  I had a glass of prosecco. He had beer.  We only stopped talking and left the restaurant because we were the only table left and we felt we had to leave.

He walked me to my building.  I hugged him good bye.  There was no kiss, but I wouldn’t have minded if had kissed me.

“In the arts, as in life, everything is possible provided it is based on love.” ― Marc Chagall

Date Two: September 23 at Town House Restaurant. It is a new restaurant in New Rochelle that I was looking forward to trying.  This time he took the train from NYC.  I met him at the station and we walked to the restaurant.

We shared the duck and the burger and a green bean appetizer.  For dessert we shared the flan and a chocolate cremeaux.  I had a cosmo, as they didn’t have passion fruit, and all other cocktails on the menu were weird… there was even a mushroom cocktail. He had a guava infused mezcal drink.

Everything was delicious about this evening.  He walked me to my door and we kissed good bye.  The kiss had my favorite flavor: promise and possibilities.

“It’s the possibility that keeps me going, not the guarantee.” ― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

Date three: September 28. Wooden Spoon Restaurant. I wish I could erase that hour on that restaurant from my mind.  As I was biting into the burger, I found the cheese oddly stringy.  Then on the second bite I realized: it was a hair.  I am still grossed out about that.  Needless to say I lost my appetite.  He offered to take me some other place, but I couldn’t bear the thought of eating anything else at that point.

We walked around the neighborhood, and then I invited him to my apartment.  I was getting hungry, but didn’t want to go anywhere. My sister had given me magic bars that afternoon so I was looking forward to that.

We had magic bars, listened to music and talked, talked, talked.  Believe it or not, this guy talks more than I do.  There is never any awkward silent with us.

First time in a long time that I have a guy over at my apartment.  I had no qualms about inviting him in.  I felt like I am inviting an old friend.

The highlight of the evening: He brought me chocolates from Jacques Torres.  He made a point of bringing me some with coconut and some with coffee as those are my favorites. 

and the sweetest kisses with the softest lips…

“Choose Love, Love! Without the sweet life of
Love, living is a burden—as you have seen.”
― Elif Shafak, The Forty Rules of Love

Date Four: September 30 at Alvin and Friends.  It is a always reliable restaurant.  We shared the empanadas as appetizer and for the entrée we had the ribs, fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, collard greens, cole slaw.  For dessert we shared the coconut cheesecake. I had a prosecco cocktail and he had a minty mule.

We left the restaurant and stopped by my sister’s apartment to give her some left overs.  He met my sister briefly.  She called me after to ask his age.  He does look young. 

Again he came into my apartment, stayed awhile, then called an Uber and went home.  I love that there is no pressure for anything.

He brought me 2 kinds of bread, and a chocolate caramel tart. He knows I love breads and chocolate.  Perhaps I should have told him I love jewelry. lol

“The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space.” ― Marilyn Monroe

Date Five: I guess after 5 I will stop counting them.  Monday, October 3rd, tonight.   I said I was going to cook, but I immediately regretted it as it is a busy day at work, and I would feel stressed about it.  I told him, and he said it was okay.  So instead of a dinner date, it will be an after dinner date.

Gosh, now I am panicking because I should have drinks and dessert in the house.  Oh well. 

We both have a lot going on this month and we won’t be able to see each other for awhile.  That is why we are sneaking this date tonight.  

Please don’t worry, I am not blinded by all the sweetness and thoughtfulness, but I am totally bathing myself in it.  

I can’t wait to see what happens next… as if this is a movie that I am watching, and I am not the main character.  The possibilities are infinite, and I am so ready for all of them.

got run, work to finish, run home, shower and beautify myself 🙂

“I can’t think of anything I’d rather have more than somebody lovin’ me.” ― Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees

Dates Update: September 2022

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“Abandon the urge to simplify everything, to look for formulas and easy answers, and to begin to think multidimensionally, to glory in the mystery and paradoxes of life, not to be dismayed by the multitude of causes and consequences that are inherent in each experience — to appreciate the fact that life is complex.” ― M. Scott Peck

Here is a quick update on the last few dates:

The 60-year old Stock Broker. We became texting friends.  He is a great guy, but there was really no chemistry for me.  His life has been very complicated lately, so we haven’t been able to meet again, as friends.  I hope that the complications in his life get sorted out.

The 65-year old Doctor.  The coffee date went well. The conversation was great, but I didn’t think there was enough there for a second date.  I was surprised when he texted a few days later, and asked me out on a second date for Wednesday night. 

I said yes, thinking there was no harm in meeting for a second time.  I immediately realized that I had said yes to someone else also, but decided not to cancel right away.

It turns out I didn’t need to.  The next day he texted and said: “I just got out of a relationship and I’m not ready.  I need to hold off on Wednesday for now.”  I said: “no problem, best wishes”

Later he texted back that he was going to call me on Wednesday.  I replied that I didn’t see the point of that.  He came back with: “It is not that I am not interested.  I just need to take some time for myself.”

I just decided not to reply anymore.  He is just cheap and doesn’t want to spend money on dinner, that is my take.  While I am not a materialistic person, I am allergic to cheapness.

Yesterday he texted: “What are you doing Saturday”

If I were going to answer it would be: “Not going out with you.”

I didn’t reply.  I don’t want to spend any  on him anymore.

The dog guy.  He is a great guy, but only friend material.  There was not any hint of anything romantic about our two dates.  I think he realized it also.  After some texting back and forth, it fizzled. I will miss Mr. W. the dog.

Then there was Mr. Very Smart. We went on one date. We had dinner at Sergio’s in Pelham, NY.  Everything was delicious, including the conversation.  He is so wise and resourceful that he was able to find this blog with very little information.  So, if you are reading this: Hello 🙂

I met him between dates 1 and 2 with the guy I will be mentioning next.  Had I not gone on additional dates with Mr. Sweetness, I would probably have gone on additional dates with Mr. Very Smart.

That brings me to Mr. Sweet.  We had 4 dates so far.  Since this post is getting too long, I will be writing about him on the next.

I will just mention that all feel magical!

“When nothing is expected, and everything is appreciated, all becomes magical.” ― Broms The Poet, Feast

Broken plates or a flower? Your choice

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While I am trying to find my voice, artistically speaking, I babble, I rumble, I mumble, I whisper loudly, I make things…

this time is a flower made of broken mugs and plates.  Something about being broken, damaged, imperfect and then being created into something new appeals to me.  That is one of the reasons I adore mosaics.

Aren’t we all just a little bit broken?  Sometimes I feel I am trying to hold myself together not to fall apart.  And I keep slipping through my fingers. The I that I think I was, the I that I think I should be.  The should is too restricting, too shortsighted. I don’t should anything.

Perhaps it is best to fall completely apart and set on rebuilding it.  Perhaps is best to let go, instead of holding on when things are barely together anyway.  Until we really let go of the old, the bad, the one thing or things, or people, that keep barely sustaining us, we cannot start the rebuilding.

Message to self: Break up, break out, break off, break away, just keep breaking… with all that is harming you, preventing your growth, just pacifying you… keep building, keep renewing, keep reinventing…

I will be posting soon about the past few dates I have had.  There is a lot, and it is all good, but it is also fragile.  So while I am advocating breaking, I am also concerned about the fragility of things… go figure… I make no sense.

“The storm is out there and every one of us must eventually face the storm. When the storm comes, pray that it will shake you to your roots and break you wide-open. Being broken open by the storm is your only hope. When you are broken open you get to discover for the first time what is inside you. Some people never get to see what is inside them; what beauty, what strength, what truth and love. They were never broken open by the storm. So, don’t run from your pain — run into your pain. Let life’s storm shatter you.”
― Bryant McGill, Simple Reminders: Inspiration for Living Your Best Life

Happy Rosh Hashanah!

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For those that celebrate the Jewish New Year, I wish you a Sweet New Year filled with blessings, health and happiness!

L’Shana Tova

“God does not want us to understand the suffering of the innocent but to fight for a world in which the innocent no longer suffer.” ― Jonathan Sacks, Exodus: The Book of Redemption

The pains of a broken heart and the possibilities of online dating

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“Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” – Rumi

Disclaimer: I didn’t have a chance to edit again, so please pardon the typos etc. It is a case if I don’t publish now, I fear I will never publish it.  

Hbsuefred https://hbsuefred.com/ wrote me a comment that hit me in such a deep way that I decided to write my reply to her in the form of a post.  

This was her comment:

As a newly single older gal, I feel so blessed to be schooled by you and others in a similar position who share their experiences. So far, I think the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that it’s a lot of work which to me makes it seem not worth the effort. Of course, I met my idiot ex (he filed after 30 years of marriage) through a dating service.

The fact that he just took wife #4 whom I believe he met on a dating website confirms that probably the older men one meets that way are generally not keepers. Of course I’m a bit jaded after stumbling on new wifey’s name and fb page where she posted wedding pix of ceremony that looks like it took place pretty recently and on which she and all her friends extol his virtues. None of them knows the morose alcoholic as well as I do. In fact, they may not even know that about him, including her!

The kicker was that ceremony and holiday pix from end of last year were taken in my old living room! However, after taking another stroll down memory lane (the written through correspondence history of our demise) this time there were no tears as it made me realize how long I put up with his crap and how much better off I am now without him.

Thanks for letting me vent. I hope your audit is successfully completed soon and that you keep sharing your adventures in dating which may someday be successful as well. In the meantime, enjoy your upcoming break. Will it have another purpose of preparing you for the upcoming dreaded holidays?

Here is my reply in 2 parts: Heartbreak and Online Dating.  

Heartbreak:

You can vent here any time you want.  30 years is a real long time to share your life with someone, only to have that be taken it away from you.  It is cruel to have that life you knew disappear.  My heart aches for you.

This is the first time in a real long time that I was taken back to that very painful period of time in my life, over 10 years ago.  My relationship was only a fraction of time of yours. Mine lasted 3 years, but the pain was so deep that I thought I was going to die from a broken heart.  I can’t begin to imagine your pain.

When you mentioned seeing pictures of the new wife taken in your old living room, I recall how I felt coming across similar details. It was like I was being punched in the stomach.  It was a slap in the face to see how easily I had been replaced.  I feel your pain.  I feel the devastation. I feel the anger.

I felt alone, sad, and stuck in the past, while he so quick and seamlessly continued life with somebody new.  For a long time I wanted my life back, I wanted him back.  As if he was a such a great prize.  I was the prize, but he was too dumb to see it.

For some time I wanted to hear him say: “I am sorry I cheated on you and hurt you”.  As if he would ever possess any sense of guilt or would ever acknowledge any wrongdoing.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

I went through all the stages of grief.  The one that I got stuck on the longest was denial.  I kept lying to myself. First, that it was not happening. Second, that he would come back. Thankfully he never did, otherwise I would probably have taken him back, only to be cheated on over and over again.

I didn’t know how to imagine my life without him.  I became blind and powerless.  It was as if he was the last man in the world.  How wrong I was.  Looking back I shudder to realize how long I allowed myself to feel like a victim and how much time I wasted wallowing in pity.

One of the best things I did was to stop looking at social media and googling him and the new girlfriend.  Every time I searched for him and her, I was being sucked back into the pain and anger.  It was hard not to give into the curiosity, but I felt more powerful every time I had the urge to look him up and I didn’t.  That power kept getting stronger to the point that the urge is no longer there.  He is past, and I have left him there.

A morose alcoholic?  Who needs that anyway?  I can only imagine what you have gone through all those 30 years.  How much of you you forgot and ignored to cater to him?

I am glad that you are able to see how much better off you are now.  It seems that you are well on your way to forgetting, forgiving and rebuilding.  We both received the gift of freedom, even though it didn’t feel like at the moment.  We were blessed that men  that didn’t belong, didn’t add anything, didn’t help us grow, were removed from our life.  We were too much into the relationship to see we needed to get out and do it on our own, instead we got a little push, well, a big shove really.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ― Rumi

It was the hardest thing I went through and it changed me… for the better, and I am sure is the same with you.   I now accept all, the good and the bad, with grace.  Everything is either a wonderful experience or a lesson.  The lessons are necessary. Receive it, learn it, move on. Don’t miss the wonderful experience of the moment being sad about the past.

We loved. We learned lessons.  We are aware. We are fully alive. We now can explore.  We can do whatever we please, be the masters of our destiny.  We can do everything or nothing. We are open to possibilities.  

Yet, it is not all sunshine and butterflies now.  I have my moments.  I have the moments that my ego takes control. I have the moments that I become a victim all over again.  There are times I feel powerless, helpless, loveless.  I work real hard at not letting those moments suck me in.  I make sure those don’t last.  I immediately turn to gratitude. I start making a list of all the good that is in my life.  Focusing on the positive is my way out. Gratitude for all I so blessedly have is my go-to weapon.

The pain goes away… eventually.  It is a fight, everyday.  Enjoy all the new steps, big and small.  Celebrate yourself each and every day.  One thing I know for sure:  You will thrive!

“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” ― Rumi

Online Dating:

I know that online dating, and dating in general, seems like a lot work.  It is.  But to me it is worth the hassle. My attitude has changed a lot from when I first started doing online dating,10 years ago, to right now writing this. 

I believe I will find the One, but it is not longer the reason why I do it. My One may not even be on a dating site.  So, for now, my focus is on meeting new people,  enjoying the moment and being fully present with each person I meet.  

The one thing I would love for you to get from reading my blog is to be open to possibilities.  All of them.  Give dating, online and otherwise, a chance. Give people, love, life, fun, a chance.

I fear that, sometimes, with my dating stories written here, I am discouraging people from giving online dating a chance.  It is a pain, there are fakes, jerks, losers, clueless, there are all kinds. I believe that there are some amazing people out there also.  I am a good person, and I can’t be the only good person doing online dating, could I? I believe good attracts good. Good energy and good heart will attract good energy and good heart.

I enjoy meeting new people, learning about their background, interests, etc.  I have accepted dates before to just get out of the house, and those normally end up frustrating.  So I now only go on a date if I see potential for fun, friendship or more.

10 years is a long time to be online dating and still be alone, some have pointed out to me in the past.  I never expected to still be alone, but I don’t blame the dating sites.  I am still single not because I haven’t found a good man.  I have found many good men.    I just haven’t found the one that makes me want to let go of being single.

The older I get the harder it will be for me to part ways with my singlehood.  The older I get the more I realize what a wonderful life I have.  It is hard to find someone to come in and add to it.  That is the key.  I am looking for some to add to my life.  To add joy, beauty, wonder, possibilities, not to add dramas, insecurities, headaches, etc. I don’t want dead weight.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ― Rumi

I am also well aware that, perhaps, I will forever fear giving my whole self to someone again; and that is something that I continuously work on. I strive to be open, trusting and non-judgmental.

I don’t see being alone at this point in time a failure.  I see being happy and grateful as a success, and that I am.  Online success to me doesn’t mean coming away with a boyfriend.  Success online to me is now measured in small bites.  Dinner with a great person is a success in my book.  Being introduced to new experiences, new interests, new ideas, is always a success to me. 

I do get tired of online dating at times.  Life gets too busy, I encounter too many jerks in a row, I become disillusioned, and I take a break.  Then, when I feel like, I go back to it.  To me online dating is a wonderful choice to have and I am grateful for it.

If you ever decide to give it a try please be careful.  I have written some posts about it:https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2016/10/27/how-to-spot-a-fake-dating-profile/ and https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2018/01/26/not-just-surviving-but-thriving-while-online-dating/

Please come back and vent here any time. Pardon my liberty of certain assumptions. Pardon my preachiness! Sending love, hugs and blessings to you!

“Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.”
― Rumi

My take on Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell

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“Practice isn’t the thing you do once you’re good. It’s the thing you do that makes you good.”  Malcolm Gladwell

I just finished Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell.  Yippie, I finished a second book!

I will keep my review short.  I didn’t like it.  It was not a waste of time, but I don’t recommend it.  I think nothing is a waste, no book is.  It always makes us think, even if we end up wishing we had read something else.

I wanted to like it. Afterall most people like it, if you go by the reviews on Amazon.  I liked the idea of it.  I wanted to be enlightened about success and successful people.  I was not.  I was left disappointed by it.

I have heard so many great things about Malcom Gladwell’s books over the years that I expected a lot.  Perhaps I expected too much.  I thought I would have this big revelation when reading one of his books.  With this one I expected to gain some invaluable insight on the key to success. I did not!

The one part I found interesting was regarding plane crashes.  According to Gladwell most crashes are due to communications issues and lack of cultural awareness.  Being an immigrant and a non-native English speaker that resonated with me; but there are a lot other facts that goes into a person speaking up or not in certain situations.

“Achievement is talent plus preparation”  Malcolm Gladwell

To me some of his ideas were just common sense.  Others were just anecdotes.  There was no big reveal, no big secret.  It reinforced some old cliches, that I believe in.  I will summarize the books in cliches:

  • Timing is everything. Timing, such as the month and year someone is born in matters.  He had some anecdotes about hockey players to illustrate that. 
  • Grab every opportunity. Not everyone is given the same opportunities in life.  The successful people are the ones that take full advantage of the opportunities they encounter.
  • Practice makes it perfect. The more you practice something, the better you will be at it. Duh! He believes that the sweet number is 10,000 hours or 10 years.
  • Hard work matters. Again, duh!   
  • Where you are from matters, and it shows up in our behavior and interaction with others. Something like, “you can remove a girl from Brazil, but you cannot remove Brazil from the girl”.

“Who we are cannot be separated from where we’re from.”  Malcolm Gladwell

Perhaps because I am an immigrant from Brazil, that came to the US looking for better opportunities, I know all about not wasting opportunities when they show up.  All I have is due to hard work, so I fully believe in it.  My culture influences me a lot.  Not matter how many years I have been living in the US I still see the influences of my upbringing in Brazil in my daily interactions.  If I would only practice more I would be fluent in French, and many other stuff. 

After reading this book I was hoping to have learned something new.  Something that I could use in my life. I did not.

I will read Blink at some point as I already have the book on my shelf.  Perhaps Blink will be more illuminating.  

“Hard work is only a prison sentence when you lack motivation”  Malcolm Gladwell