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Closing doors and making choices

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G. sent me the text above.

He thought I couldn’t resist it.  I did.  I will not reply. I will not fall for the silly attempts.

I let him get back into my life once, thinking that we could build a great friendship after I realized that romance was not in the cards.   Then he made those comments about immigrants.

He was insensitive and never apologized for being so.  Perhaps if he had apologized the friendship could have been saved.

Instead he continued on with his hurtful comments, making matters even worst. He seemed intent on hurting me.

Now it pains me to ignore him. It pains me to ignore anyone.  But I need to stop leaving the door open for anyone to just waltz back in and hurt me again.

I have the power over who I let into my heart and life.  I am using that power.  I am choosing sanity and good energy.

G. don’t bother knocking, the door is locked for you. Don’t try the window either!

“Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.” – Roy T. Bennett

 

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3 dates and a job

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My dating life is going slow as I haven’t been devoting much time to it.  Online dating does become like a second job sometimes.

I have managed however to have 3 dates with one guy.  That in itself is astonishing since I am mostly a one date girl.

On the first date we went for a late drink at a wine bar. I had prosecco, he had a couple of different red wines, and we shared a cheese platter.  There were no fireworks but he was nice and friendly.  He asked me on a second date that night and I said yes.

During that first date I mentioned that my sister was now living with me and looking for a job.  The next day he texted me and asked if my sister wanted to work some hours at his restaurant/catering business while she is going on interviews for something in her field.  I showed my sister the text and she agreed to go meet him at the restaurant the next day. She was hired to work 3 days a week.

On the second date he cooked for me at his restaurant. He made crostini with avocado, smoked salmon and capers on top, paired with prosecco (he remembered I like it) for the appetizers.  For the entree he made flank steak (which I had mentioned I liked), spaetzle (German egg noodle) and spinach, paired with red wine.  For dessert I had a choice of brownie sundae or ice cream sandwich. By then I was so full that I just had a chocolate chip cookie.  The photos above are not that great as I took them in the kitchen and not at the table.

For the third date we had drinks at an Italian restaurant and then went to a lounge with loud dance music as it was the only thing open after 11pm.  Still we found a quiet corner and managed to be able to talk.

I am still not sure about chemistry.  He is a great guy, but also a gentleman and there hasn’t been anything other than a peck on the lips.  Until there is a kiss I cannot tell where this will go.

He has 3 kids between the ages of 10 and 14 and he is busy with them every day.  He is also very busy with the restaurant and catering, so we haven’t met each other again after those 3 dates.  For now we have a texting friendship and that suits me fine, but if we ever start a romantic relationship the lack of time would probably annoy me.

It is a tricky dynamic to mix work with romance even though I am not the one working for him.  At first I was overthinking this, then I decided to relax and go with the flow.  First, this is just a part time gig for my sister and will not last forever.  Second, I have a feeling that he and I will just become good friends and not romantic mates.

I guess the message for me with this post is to keep an open mind.  Open mind to go  a second and third date even if there are no fireworks in the first.  Open mind to think that it is okay to have my sister work for someone I just met and that I can possibly have a relationship with.  Open mind to not shut him down for his lack of time and let things develop.  Open mind to try a different route.

Wishing you all a blessed and fun weekend!

“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” – Isaac Asimov

 

Once an illegal immigrant, always an illegal immigrant

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“It’s an universal law– intolerance is the first sign of an inadequate education. An ill-educated person behaves with arrogant impatience, whereas truly profound education breeds humility.” – Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn

G., who I thought would be a good friend showed me his true colors.  We were texting back and forth the other day when he made a rude comment about the fact that I was an illegal immigrant once.  I replied that his comment was not cool.

He said that he was making fun of me when I was 17 years old and first arrived in this country and not of the present successful American citizen I had become.  As if that made it okay.  Because I was able to find a law to fit in (applying as an unskilled laborer), and also because I was lucky to win the Green Lottery I am now immune to the attacks on illegal immigrants.

I said I sympathize with all the illegal immigrants and their search for a better life.  They could be me.  I was them.  Again I explained I found his remarks very insensitive.  I wanted him to see it from my point of view. It didn’t work.

He continued trying to justify his remarks by going on and on with ignorant blanket statements.  At one point he asked:  “what will happen when the free beer and chips run out?” implying that the immigrants come here only to get things for free.

That was even more insulting to me as I never took a single dime from the government for anything.  I know some illegals do use and abuse, but to generalize it is ignorance.

“Whatever the cost of our libraries, the price is cheap compared to that of an ignorant nation.” Walter Cronkite

I said to him:  “My huge tax bill pays for services and freebies for tons of lazy Americans and illegals alike.”

This is not complaining about my tax bill, I am paying a lot because I am making a lot.  I see it as a reflection of my success. I said that to him to remind him that not all immigrants are liabilities, some are incredible assets.

This is also not to say that I don’t believe in public assistance services.  They are very much needed and should be used by anyone in need. I want my tax money to help others.

I think deep down inside he resents me for being in a better financial condition than he is. He also resents me because I said I didn’t want to see him romantically again.  He found the perfect way to attack me by attacking people like me.

I said to him that I agreed that we needed an Immigration Reform and I can see both sides of the argument.  I added that I rather not talk about a subject that we clearly have opposite views on. He then called me a Liberal, I called him a Trumpster and he continued his speech.

I don’t have a problem discussing difficult subjects with people but in this case I didn’t want to waste my breath with someone that clearly was set on one way of thinking and no matter what I said wasn’t willing to listen.  He seemed intent on hurting me. Such ignorance!

The Immigration topic is not a simple one.  I can see both sides of the argument.  I choose to view it from the point of love and understanding.  We are all one under God and on this Earth.  Let’s see our fellow human as a person no matter where he comes from, no matter his color, race, sexual orientation, point of view, etc.

“All things truly wicked start from innocence.” – Ernest Hemingway

Let’s step on into each other’s shoes and imagine how it feels.  I expect more from the people that know me and know how hard I have worked to be where I am now and to have all that I have.  I expected more from him.

It shocks me that I didn’t know how he felt this whole time. It is true that I avoided speaking of Trump. It is true that I would be dying to see him, then when I was with him things wouldn’t go quite right.  There was something off.  Now, looking back, I see hints that I should have picked up on.

I really dodged a bullet.  He is not boyfriend material and he is not friend material.   I hope that he reflects on our conversation and perhaps realize how insensitive he was. Perhaps a little light bulb of sensitivity will eventually go on.

I doubt it!

Racism and nonacceptance were always here, but I blame Trump for making it okay for people to attack each other and spout misinformation.  The President is on Twitter attacking whoever he thinks doesn’t fit his idea of great America.  Why would I think the average Joe would be more considerate, more understanding?

Love is the way out.  Love is the only way.  I am choosing Love.  I am choosing to send love to G., but I am choosing not to be his friend and be subjected to his views anymore.

“There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there has always been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that ‘my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.” – Isaac Asimov

Life is here and now!

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“Happiness is not the absence of problems, it’s the ability to deal with them.” – Steve Maraboli

There are calls to return, tenants to pacify, appointments to get to, passports to renew, tickets to buy, trips to organize, emails to write, deadlines to meet at work, and a whole host of other things to do, with new items added daily.

There is always a decision to be made  and some place I need to be.  There is always something needing my attention and a fire to put out.

With each item off of my list I feel this enormous sense of accomplishment… only to add another 2 items to it.

I think to myself:  When I am done with this and that thing then I will get to relax. When I solve this and that problem I will get to have fun and enjoy my life.

The stories I tell myself always start with “When”:

When I lose weight…

When I find the One…

When my hip gets healed…

When I get that big bonus at work…

When I learn to speak French…

What foolishness! What a bunch of lies.

I forget 1 thing:  All of this doing, going to doctors, waiting in line, returning phone calls, searching for the One, working, trying to lose weight, failing at losing weight, etc, etc… All of this busyness is LIFE!

Life is happening now, and it is beautiful.  Ralph Waldo Emerson was absolutely right when he said: “Life is a journey, not a destination”

In trying so hard to get somewhere, some invisible destination, some goal, perhaps unattainable, I lose the beauty of the moment, I lose the present.  I miss the details, I miss the simplicity.

I forget to be here Now because I am too busy being there in the Future.  I get lost in the busyness of the moment, not realizing that that very moment is a blessing.

There will always be something to do, some hurdle to jump, some obstacle to overcome.  After one deadline is met there is always another one to meet. That is how life works.

How boring it would be if there were nothing to do and if there were no challenges.  I think there is some old saying that goes something like this: “calm waters don’t make great sailors”.  I think we all strive to be great sailors in this huge ocean called life.

So here is to being more present and enjoying every moment, even if difficult.  I will remind myself that the more life throws at me the better I become.  I am on the way to invincibility.

“Life doesn’t get easier or more forgiving, we get stronger and more resilient.” – Steve Maraboli

 

It is just a train.

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“Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no why.” -Kurt Vonnegut

Yesterday I missed the train by seconds.

It is a weird feeling.  To watch it close its doors while you are steps away.  You watch it leave and leave you behind.

You feel unwanted.  You feel neglected.  You feel forgotten. You feel silly and foolish.  You feel as if you did something wrong.

What is the message here?

Do I need to get up earlier?  Do I need to walk faster?  I had gotten up at the same time I normally do and walked at the same speed I normally do. Did the train leave early?

This morning I got up earlier.  I walked faster.  I got to the train station earlier.  I waited and waited.

The train was 10 minutes late! 🙂

What is the message here?

Maybe there is no message.  It is just a train behaving like a train.

Life is such a joker!

Tomorrow… tomorrow we don’t know yet.

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” – Leo Tolstoy

Getting back on the horse

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“Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs.”  – Charlotte Bronte

Since the upsetting email that G sent me I thought I would never speak to him again. Then he started texting me and I didn’t have it in me to ignore him.  I replied.

We started texting every single day as we had done before.  We didn’t work out as a couple but I still think he is a good person and worth of being friends with.

I had stayed away from online dating when I thought he and I could have a future together.  Now I am back at it again.  Some may think that I didn’t really care for him if I am been able to flip from girlfriend to just friend so quickly.

I did care.  I cared a lot.  I thought he was the One.  I had already envisioned a future together.  And then it all fell apart, for no apparent reason. I have 2 choices:  stay stuck there, on the mourning of a relationship or move on.

I am moving on.  I am not being cold.  I am being a realist.  I am saving myself time and energy.  If something doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work, move on.  There is no sense in spending time thinking about it, trying to reflect on what went wrong or why, or even dreaming about it working again.

I embraced thinking he was the One, now I am embracing him as a friend.

“Embrace who you are and your divine purpose. Identify the barriers in your life, and develop discipline, courage and the strength to permanently move beyond them, and keep moving forward.” – Germany Kent

I am back on Match and POF.  My first date since starting again was last night.

I went out with B, he is in Finance and works for a museum in New York City.

He chose an expensive Scandinavian restaurant called Agern located inside Grand Central Station.  I commute every day out of GCS and had never noticed it before. It is hidden in plain sight.

After taking a look at the menu and prices online I told him that perhaps he should choose a place more reasonable. He said that he heard good things about this restaurant and he was glad to take me there.

The ambiance was great, it was quiet and not too bright.  The service was amazing.  The food was good but nothing that I would be looking forward to eating again.  I guess fancy Scandinavian food is not for me.

We shared 2 appetizers, 3 entrees and 1 dessert. We had only one cocktail each and the bill was $250 with tip – I sneaked a peek as he was signing the credit card receipt.

B was such a great person. He was interested and interesting.  The conversation flowed.  Three hours went by and we didn’t even have a chance to talk about his favorite subject: music.

I didn’t get an initial romantic vibe from the date, but I think that a second date may be necessary to make sure.

He texted saying that he had a lovely time and would like to see me again. I said it would be great.

to be continued…

“If I cease searching, then, woe is me, I am lost. That is how I look at it – keep going, keep going come what may.” – Vincent van Gogh

Vitamins, supplements and positive thinking

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Vitamins

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” – Charles M. Schulz

A friend and reader asked me what natural health products I was taking. I decided to reply to her in this post.

I started taking supplements and vitamins regularly when I was having gum and dental issues December last year. While talking to a friend that is a Naturopath he suggested I take products to improve my gums.  The products were meant to speed healing, lessen the inflammation, promote gum growth, improve my immune system and making sure that my digestive system is in tip top shape.

Gums are not supposed to grow or regenerated, but I believe in the impossible and so does my doctor friend.  If the body has the ability to heal and regenerate why not my gums?

And it is with that faith that at then end of December last year I started taking the following:

Ester-C & Flavonoids – from Pure Encapsulations

Calcarea Fluorica Cell Salt – from Hyland’s

Growth-Gen – from Phyto-Gen – Genestra-Seroyal

Ginkgo Bud – from Phyto-Gen – Genestra-Seroyal

HMF Intensive Probiotic – Genestra-Seroyal

Energy  Boost 70  Fulvic Concentrate – from Morningstar Minerals

Grapenol – Antioxidant Support – from Genestra-Seroyal

Unda Numbered Compounds – Therapeutic Drops Numbers 8, 33, 312

Zinc 30 – from Pure Encapsulations

In March I had a dizzy spell and I was tested for Adrenal Fatigue.  My friend thought that stress and menopause were the culprit.  The saliva test revealed among other things that I was gluten intolerant.  At that time my friend made the following changes to what I was taking:

Added Adaptocrine K-2 from Apex Energetics

Unda Numbers 3, 17 and 50 instead of 8,33,and 312

TonicGen instead of Growth-Gen

He also wanted me on a gluten free diet and an anti-inflammation diet.  He believed that going gluten free would lessen or completely get rid of the chronic hives I have and would also make me feel better all around.  He believed my body was revolting against me.

Now in August I still take all the above with exception of the Unda Numbers. I just never got more when it was finished.

I have also started taking the following:

Liqua-D (Vitamin D) – from Apex Energetics

B Complex – from Pure Encapsulations

Collagen Peptides – from Sports Research

Glucosamina Condroitina with MSM – from Doctor’s Best

BioSil – from Natural Factors

Now you may ask: Does it work?  Have you seen results?

I don’t know for sure.  This is what I know.

My gums:  I went to the periodontist yesterday for a check-up and he said my gums are beautiful.  The inflammation has not returned, but it doesn’t mean it will not, so I continue to be vigilant and take extra care cleaning my teeth.

The chronic hives:  Magically it has gotten a lot better.  I say magically because I have been extremely lax about paying attention to what I eat.

My hips:  The pain is getting worse to the point that I finally scheduled a doctor.  I did notice that the Glucosamina and Collagen helps some.

Energy level:  That comes and goes, some days I don’t want to get up.  Perhaps I am just being lazy.

For the most part I have been faithful to taking the supplements.

I was being faithful to the collagen until I read that I have to take them on an empty stomach, either first thing in the morning or before bed, since then I forget it most of the time.  It is a powder to mix in liquid and for some reason I never remember.

For some reason I also don’t always remember about the Mineral concentrate. Those are drops to be added to any liquid.

As far as the gluten free diet I attempt gluten free for a few days but it didn’t last.  As far as the inflammation diet I didn’t really follow it, but then again a lot of the items on that list I already don’t eat.

One thing I need to do is to keep a food journal.  It helped me keep accountable in the past so I need to do it again.  It will also help me see what foods trigger my symptoms.

Overall I am happy I am taking all of these as it makes me feel pro-active. But Vitamins and supplements are not enough.

I also know that I need to address what I eat.  Health and overall well being starts in the kitchen with the items I choose to eat.  The time of eating whatever I want whenever I want seems to be nearing the end.  I am still choosing moderation, but some foods just seem to be my enemies even in moderation.

I hope that once I get my hip in order I can add more exercise to my life, other than the 30 or 60 minutes walk on the elliptical.

I also need to address the other components of a happy being: Mind and Soul.  Those also need nutrients and stimulation.

Baby steps at 52 years old – better late than never!!

One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.” – Virginia Wolf

This was extremely annoying and unnecessary. He missed a great chance to be quiet.

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” Sometimes your knight in shining armor turns out to be an idiot wrapped in tin foil.” – unknown

I just got this very short email from G.  This is it in its entirety:

I’m still a little shell shocked from my last relationship. You did a few things probably innocently last weekend that rocked me which is why I was off.

You were probably kidding but it still it rocked me. I think the world of you lady.

What?  What is the point of this email?

Some things I did?

I know that if I am guilty of anything in this relationship was of being too nice and trying too hard.

In this relationship all I did was give and go out of my way for somebody.  Some times I make a guy jump through hoops, except this time.

Is this his way of offering an explanation to his behavior?  We are past this.  I don’t care for answers or explanations anymore.  I did all the trying.  I am done.

Does he want me to ask what was that I did that triggered something in him?   Is this email supposed to make me curious?  Should I say sorry for something I have no clue?

“If you’re not comfortable enough with yourself or with your own truth when entering a relationship, then you’re not ready for that relationship.” -Steve Maraboli

I tried to talk about this previous relationship of his but he didn’t want to get too much into it.  I respected that.  He said they were together in the past, then recently tried again but still the issues were all there as before and he broke up for good.

I asked if there was any chance of getting back together and he said: never.  He made sure to say, more than once, that I was the total opposite of her.

I am hoping for his sake that he had no expectations when he sent this email as he is getting no replies of any sort.

I will not ask what I did (or he thinks I did) because I do not care.  I am not even curious.  Whatever way he felt or is feeling is on him not me.

It is not what I did, it is how received and reacted (or didn’t react) to it.

“I’m not crying because of you; you’re not worth it. I’m crying because my delusion of who you were was shattered by the truth of who you are.” – Steve Maraboli

He had plenty of chances and freedom to tell me anything he wanted.  He was free to say what bothered him at the time that it happened.  I made sure that we made communication a priority in this relationship.

I told him that I joke a lot and I can be sarcastic so he had to speak up if he ever didn’t like anything I did or said.  He had said my honesty was refreshing.  Why hold it in, be a jerk and now send such an email?

I didn’t reply and will not reply to such emails.  Either tell me what you think I did that hurt, offended, “rocked” you or just be quiet.

Sorry for venting, but this email was really aggravating and offending to me.  To me, we were done and moved on to being friends that texted every now and then.  I was happy with that. No need for explanations that will not change anything, and to perhaps just make me feel that I am guilty of something.

“I will not try to convince you to love me, to respect me, to commit to me. I deserve better than that; I AM BETTER THAN THAT…Goodbye.” – Steve Maraboli

 

 

Are we friends? (if it’s meant to be, it’ll be)

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“In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel.” – Paulo Coelho

I know I may seem dramatic over this breakup since we had been together just a very short time, but it was not only the time, it was the depth of it.  It was the potential and hope in it. So please bear with me as I am still mourning it and saying good bye.

Because I can’t accept when things feel unfinished.

Because I needed a period in the end and this just feels like a semi-colon.

Because I need to feel that no matter what happened we are not enemies.

I wrote, not to get a response, but just to get that heaviness out of my chest.  I wrote to feel empty of things left unsaid.

I didn’t care if he would write back or not, but I hope to one day be able to be friends.

Because of all of that I sent G an email.

This is verbatim the email I sent, just omitting our names:

A little bit of time has now passed that I can speak/write without being emotional and probably irrational. 

I am not sure exactly what happened.  I keep going over and over every detail in my mind.

What could we have done differently? 

I realize there is not one clear answer.

 

When you were dropping me off and said you just wanted “to get done with it” and go home, that said it all…

Still I was hopeful that it was not as I had heard.

Then the extremely loud silence the rest of Sunday.

Then the short text.  

An addiction? What to say to that?

There it was: the end!

 

It started so full of hope.

I thought to myself: This is it! 

I told people: I found him!  

 

 I still think the world of you and I think you think highly of me too.

Unfortunately mutual admiration was not enough to make WE work.

 Sad is an understatement. But this is not a failure.  

We wanted it to work. We tried. I know I did. 

 

It is my hope that we are able to remain in each other’s life and build a friendship.

Blessings and light to you!”

 

I wrote that at night on Tuesday night. The next morning, yesterday, he send me the following reply:

I don’t think I meant “to get done with it” in the same way you took it. I use that term to mean just I’m done with the day – just waiting till I go to bed. Sunday was unfortunate because as I said – spent the day dirty helping JP with his bus. Phone away. But yes- something was wrong. 

The addiction comment – because neither of us were contacting the other – knew you were felling it as well so I figured some sort of contact would be like a quick fix for both of us.

I started full of hope as well

I felt you were custom made for me.

I feel VERY highly of you for sure – everything I’ve said still stands. I think you’re an incredible and rare woman.

Somethings piled up on me that weekend and they got the better of me

That’s all I can say.

You’re still on my mind pretty much all day – I think I just might need some time.

(right now on the radio – Florida Georgia Line’s – ” if it’s meant to be -it’ll be” )  

 

I didn’t reply as I think it requires none.  We both said our piece.   I am not sure I know what “I think I just might need some time” means exactly.  Does he need time to become friends? If so, he can take all the time in the world.

I said what I wanted to say and I feel light.  His response makes no difference.

****

And then as I was about to publish that yesterday, he sents me a text with some funny comment.  I replied and said:

“I thought you needed time.  A whole 5 hours?”

He laughed. We exchanged another couple of pleasant texts and that was it.

Perhaps we can be friends after all.  It feels good to end on a good note.

 

and here is the song he mentioned:

He is done! I am done! We are done!

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“Don’t worry about failures, worry about the chances you miss when you don’t even try.” – Jack Canfield

This is just a quick update to tell you what is going on between G and I.

Nothing is going on, and this nothingness is brutal.  I would declare us officially over as boyfriend and girlfriend.  I am holding out hope that we eventually can become friends but that remains to be seen.

At 12:14pm yesterday he texted me:

“Hard to have an addiction”

I am not 100% sure what that means but I think that he means being addicted to me or to getting my emails in the morning.  I remember him mentioning once being addicted to waking up and seeing a text from me.

We had a little routine.  He always texted good night first and I always texted good morning first, normally with a sweet cartoon or a funny meme.

Yesterday I didn’t text good morning as I had not heard from him since 10am the prior day.  I felt he was the one that would have to reach out if he wanted to. If I were the one to reach out it would seem that I am okay with how things had been going, and I am not.

“Blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you.” – Jack Canfield

After a day of silence to just text that one sentence it is also very telling in its brevity.

I didn’t reply. What is there to say?

I hate to be silent, but if I were to reply with the truth, which is, that I miss him and that I am sad that things didn’t work out; that would probably just drag things on.  It would eventually fall apart later.

There were too many things that I was putting up with to be nice and accommodating.  I was making it all about him. Unlike many of the guys before, in this one I saw future, so I forgot about myself for awhile.  I think eventually I would grow tired.  Actually I was already tired.

And so was he!

I keep thinking back to him saying that he just wanted to be “done with it”.  That was the moment for me that told me that things were over and would never work out no matter how much I wanted them to.

That should not be the sentiment of any man dropping me off at home.  That should not be the sentiment of anyone getting to know each other.  I imagine a person trapped in a miserable marriage saying that.

If he feels that way now, I can only imagine a few months, and years down the line.

“You got to let go of the good to embrace the great” – Jack Canfield

I guess I felt a little that way too. I would be eager to see him, then I would start seeing in all the ways that we didn’t mesh.  Then as soon as we said good bye I would be dying to see him again.

Still I don’t want to hurt him.  I feel my silence hurts, but at the same time, silence may be the kindest thing I can do.  If he compared me to an addiction, then helping him quit is the best thing I can do.

I would love to attempt a friendship but I think we need some time apart.  Perhaps when some time passes I will reach out and check on him, but for now it would seem just an attempt to still want to work on something that would never work.

He wanted to just be done with it. Now we are and I think we are both much better off for it.  If not better, we both deserve different.  This is not a failure, this is discovery, it is growth!

“Sometimes you dance with a partner, and sometimes you dance alone. But the important thing is to keep dancing.” – Jack Canfield