Tag Archives: relationships

Letting Silence be a Teacher

20 Thursday Feb 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“My thought is me: that’s why I can’t stop. I exist because I think… and I can’t stop myself from thinking. At this very moment – it’s frightful – if I exist, it is because I am horrified at existing. I am the one who pulls myself from the nothingness to which I aspire.” ― Jean-Paul Sartre, Nausea

Even though the weekend was great, there were instances when I saw expectations trying to creep in. That happened on the moments of silence.

Anytime it was quiet I could see my mind swirling with ideas of what to do and what to talk about. I would also think of what he should be doing. I expected.

I resisted those ideas. I shooed them away. I would tell myself: “all is as it is supposed to be. No need for words.”

M is on the quieter side. I think that most people are when compared to me. So in relationships I will often do most of the talking for the simple reason that silence makes me uncomfortable.

I am trying to be okay with silence and not feel that I have to fill it with unnecessary conversation.

This weekend, I tried. Any time there was silence I let it sit there. I let myself be uncomfortable. I made myself work with it.

“Silence is a source of Great Strength.” – ― Lao Tzu

Thoughts came and went. I didn’t voice them. The thoughts would come to the tip of my tongue and I would suppress them. Questions would pop up in my mind and I would purposely ignore them. It was not easy.

I thought of myself as getting stronger and stronger any time I fought the urge to speak.

It has been hard dealing with silence and not let expectations walk in. I realized that I need to be constantly entertained if I am with someone.

I cannot be together alone with my thoughts.

“Speak only if it improves upon the silence.” – Mahatma Gandhi

My thoughts are dangerous to a relationship in its infancy. My mind analyses, dissects, questions, expects. Nothing is good enough or perfect enough. Nothing will ever be as my mind conjures up. Nothing can ever compare to my expectations.

I admire people that can sit on a couch in silence and just be, with or without someone. I can’t.

Silence if I am alone is a little more bearable, but silence with another person kills me.

To me, worse than being with someone I can’t talk to, is being with someone I can’t be silent with.

“You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts.”― Kahlil Gibran

Don’t get me wrong. Let me clarify 2 points:

  1. I love being alone. It is not that I am incapable of being alone. But if I am with someone I need the interaction. I need the exchange of words and ideas. I need that give and take.
  2. If I really want to talk about something I will. But I am trying to make a distinction between talking to fill the space and talking because I think it has meaning/message/a point. I want to learn the difference between wanting to talk and needing to talk.

“This is the longest I have been silent with someone” – I think to myself as we sit in the living room. I have a book that I am trying to finish. He was replying to some emails from work. There was music playing and still I could hear the silence.

There is a subtle difference in talking to get to know each other and talking just not be in silence. This weekend I began to know the difference.

This past weekend silence reigned and I happily struggled!

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”
― Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

Feelings hurt, bullets dodged and we move on

07 Thursday Jun 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“You cannot control the behavior of others, but you can always choose how you respond to it.” – Roy T. Bennett

The Nature Writer.  I decided not to go on a second date with him.  I called him and said that there was no romantic vibes for me. I offered friendship.

He listened to what I had to say and said he really didn’t have the time to date seriously and was interested in friendship. He thanked me for my honesty.

Several days later he sent me 12 text messages one after the other.  He went on and on on how he was hurt that I assumed he was interested in dating.  He was also angry that I said I was going to schedule a second meeting as friends but never did.

I didn’t reply. What do I say to that?  It was just senseless.  This seemed to be the texting of a 12 year girl and not an intelligent almost 60 year old man.

I no longer feel the need for people to understand me.  Now I just let it go and don’t spend the time and energy. 

“We’re all islands shouting lies to each other across seas of misunderstanding.”  – Rudyard Kipling

The concierge – I met a kind, nice gentleman. He works as a concierge in a building in Manhattan. We met at a dive bar called Trailer Park Lounge. Not a place I am used to going but it was fun and welcoming.

I ordered a burger and even before I was finished he mentioned he wanted to go to Dallas BBQ a block away.  He said he loved the drinks there.  The drink he ordered  was one of those tropical drinks with umbrellas that you get when you go on vacation to a tropical island (picture is at the top) . It did look delicious but I already had a drink at the other bar and decided to just drink water.

While he was the nice, there was zero chemistry for me.  He, on the other hand professed his love for me and wanted to see me again.  What do I say to a man that is sitting across from me telling me his entire life and already making plans for a future together?

When he asked me when he was going to see me again I didn’t have the heart to say: never.  I didn’t really say yes or no.  I said that he was going too fast and that I was feeling pressured.

I should have gone for honesty, but instead I expected him to get the hint.  He didn’t.

And right as I am typing this I get a text from him asking me what I had decided about going on a second date.   I told him that I didn’t feel any romance and that I knew he didn’t want to be friends. I mentioned how great I thought he was but I was not feeling it.

He replied and I quote: “I bet you say that to everyone. Thank you for wasting my time”.  Not only he texted me that but he also wrote me a message online.

Well, he is right.  It is what I tell almost everyone because it is often the truth.

“The text has disappeared under the interpretation.” – Friedrich Nietsche

The realtor –  The one I mentioned in a couple of posts ago. I described how on the first date he kept trying to kiss and hug me even after I told him numerous times to stop.  Still I was wondering if I should go on a second date or not, as I thought perhaps there was potential if he would keep his hands to himself.

That is until I get a text that says: “I would like to schedule our second hug”.  Clearly he is not listening and has only physical interaction on his mind.

Needless to say there will not be a second date or hug.

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”  – George Bernard Shaw

I am not taking the replies from the above guys personally.  It is coming from a place of pain.  They thought I would be their future and I turn out to be just one date.  I have been there.  I have been on dates where I thought all it was perfect and then I  never heard from them again.

I am feeling blessed.  I think I dodged a few bullets.

I find myself in a conundrum.  I want to have an open mind and go on dates with guys that at first glance are not really my type but that perhaps will surprise me, and yet I see the need now to be even more discriminating.

“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.” – E.E. Cummings

 

 

The last 3 dates

22 Thursday Mar 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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The Litigation Attorney

We met on Match.com and after some back and forth messages I gave him my phone number.  I have no rhyme or reason for giving or not giving my phone number to someone.  It is all about a feeling and how a person asks.

After some short texts we met in person at a wine bar called Pino.  It was a tiny cute place and the manager was very nice.

We both like to talk a lot, so we had a very lively fun conversation. I just had one glass of rose wine and he had a couple of tequila drinks.  There was no food involved.  I had eaten before hand because he asked me for “drinks” so I assumed correctly that there was no food involved.

He is single, never married, no kids.  Just like me.  He is selling his apartment in the city located just a couple of blocks from my office, and buying a house on the New Jersey shore.  I don’t envision retiring and spending my days on a boat so I already see issues if this relationship is to go forward.

It was more friendly than romantic, but I need another date to confirm it.  We have been exchanging a few texts and a couple of quick phone calls.  We are scheduled to go out tonight and I am still trying to decide if I should go through with it.

The Data Architect

We met on POF. He is Scottish living in the US for a long time.  He is divorced with one  11 year daughter.

He works from his Hoboken, NJ home for a company several hours away.  He knows I like mosaic and whimsical art so he has been sending me pictures of every mosaic and art work he has encountered along his way.  And there has been a lot.  I thought that was cute and  thoughtful.

We agreed to meet at the subway on 33rd and Park and from there we rode to Astor Place.  Once there we saw some street art and started walking around.  I love that area!  At one point we stopped by a bakery and we each had a miniature cupcake. It was okay but nothing I would care to eat again.

After a few more blocks of walking around and him explaining the details of this once very Ukrainian neighborhood I saw a restaurant called Yuca Bar and immediately became interested. I love fried yucca.

It was a Latin restaurant with lots of Brazilian flavors.  I had the passion fruit caipirinha and it was on point.  I was disappointed with the yucca fries as it was not just the root boiled and fried but a mixture of mashed yucca breaded and fried. It was okay but not the real thing. He had guacamole and chips and I had the skirt steak and rice.  He is vegetarian.

After dinner, we went to a dive bar called Blue & Gold and talked about soccer while I sipped a club soda and he had draft beer.  This bar had the cheapest drinks I have ever seen in Manhattan.

We then took the Subway back to Grand Central.  He walked me to my train and we hugged good bye.

We have been exchanging texts since then.  I don’t think there is any romance but I may go on a second date to confirm that.  He asked me on a second date this Saturday but I am busy so we will choose another day.

The Commercial Real Estate Agent

We met on POF over a month ago. In that time he went on a hiking vacation in Argentina and still managed to contact me every day.  He doesn’t have my number so we just exchange messages on POF. He said he gave me his number.  Maybe he did.  Maybe I will use it.

We finally met Tuesday at Stout, a pub on 41st street.   I had eaten before meeting him so it was mostly drinks.  I had Prosecco, he had draft beer and we shared fingers.  All was delicious.

He is divorced with 2 teenage daughters. He just bought a house very far and now commutes over 2 and a half hours each way every day. That has me already thinking that geographically we are not an ideal match.

He is a very nice gentleman though and even though, again, I didn’t feel any real chemistry I am willing to go on a second date and see what happens.

***

All 3 are very interesting guys and I am glad I met them.  I am willing to go on a second date with all of them. I do also see some issues with all of them.  Are these real issues or am I just working extra hard to find something wrong with them?  who knows…  I am trying to keep an open mind and go on second dates before dismissing a nice person.

“One of the reasons the team on NCIS works so well-is that they live by their leader’s rules-which are not a secret .
What are your rules/standards? Do the people in your life know what they are? Do you hold grudges/resentments when they don’t measure up? Do you pretend that everything is fine-when it’s not-and close up a little every day?
And most importantly-
When was the last time YOU reviewed/upgraded your standards/expectations rules-and took a look at the impact around you/checked in?
(Hint-most people live from rules/standards/expectations created from reactions/perceptions formed around the age of six)
Might be time for a review/upgrade……..”
-Dave Rudbarg

 

 

 

Friends and dates and a kiss at the end.

02 Saturday Dec 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.” – Mark Twain

On Saturday I met my doctor friend for brunch. As I mentioned before we dated a few times 2 years ago and then things fizzled.  Still every now and then we would talk or text.

After being too busy to meet the last few times he asked we met for brunch 2 weeks ago and it was fun.  After one week he called and invited me to brunch again.

We went to the restaurant we always go to. In the past we tried different ones only to decide that this is our favorite.  It was a Saturday and the place was quieter then on Sundays.

We were there from 12 to 4 pm. We drank a divine prosecco and talked about life. We challenge each other to think deeper and look further.  We talk about everything, self-improvement, family, fears, wants, ego, karma, etc.

At one point he put his hand on my leg near my knee. He asked if I was okay with that.  It may seem funny or weird, but I was okay with that.  I knew it would not go anywhere so it presented no danger or awkwardness to me.  I think the prosecco made him do it. I think the prosecco made me say ok.

At one point he was texting. I would normally not say anything to anyone about using their cell phone at the table, even if it bothered me but since we are always talking about being present and in the moment, I said:

Don’t you think you are being rude?

He apologized and said I was right and explained what he was texting about.  He turned his phone off for the rest of the lunch.

I think he and I have an easy friendship that I don’t intend to change into anything else, hand on my leg or not.

***

“There is very little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude.” – W. Clement Stone

On Sunday I met a graphic designer I met on Match. This was our first date.

We both got there 30 minutes early. Him by design, me because I thought the agreed time was 12:00 instead of the actual 12:30.

I had scrambled eggs and a coffee as I was still not able to eat a lot food.

He was handsome, nice, personable and smart. But I didn’t really feel an attraction, a connection.  Our lifestyle and life wants are different.  Don’t get me wrong I appreciate the differences in people but in this case it would frustrate me.

He is very laid back and I feel I would have to be the one in charge of the relationship. I have been the one in charge of relationships in the past and I don’t want to do it again.

I say that not as criticism of him but just to point out why I think we are not a match.

He said he liked me and said he wanted to go on a second date, but hasn’t called yet, which I find it is often the case.  I think he  and most guys, wants me to call them back or say something first. Sadly he will have to wait forever.

****

I have just returned from a date tonight.  He is a 34 year old Jewish accountant.  Yes I said 34!!! I am 51!! So there is a bit of age difference. He is recently divorced with no kids.

Of course I think our age difference is too much for a relationship but I didn’t think there was any harm in meeting for a drink.

We were going to meet at a rooftop bar but it was closed for a private event so we just crossed the street and went to a Cuban restaurant.

M. was fun, personable, and cute in a boyish way.  There were some hints of chemistry.  I had a passion fruit drink and appetizer of beef and fried yucca, and they were delicious.  After it, he walked me to the station.

On the way, suddenly, he stopped and kissed me.  I still have stitches in my gum from my surgery, still I welcomed the surprising gesture.

We will see each other again, if anything to just settle a bet.  We bet $5.00 on the Jet/Chiefs game on Sunday.  I picked the Chiefs.

“Kissing – and I mean like, yummy, smacking kissing – is the most delicious, most beautiful and passionate thing that two people can do, bar none. Better than sex, hands down.” – Drew Barrymore

 

 

Fun, games and reality

19 Monday Jun 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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With my friend still in town, everything has been fun and games.
We went to see The Phantom of the Opera.  I have seen it over a dozen times but I still think that it is a must-see for tourists.   We walked the Brooklyn Bridge and took the ferry back to NY.  I want to go back and walk from Brooklyn to Manhattan at night.  We spent a couple of days in Mystic, CT and Westerly, RI. We enjoyed the casinos in Connecticut and had dinner at the Ocean House in Westerly.  It was wonderful!

There has been countless trips shopping and eating out.  In the meantime I am not paying any attention to exercise and healthy eating.  I know I need to snap out of this and find a middle ground but I also don’t want to pressure myself.    Right now I just go along with my sister and friend enjoying the sights, scenes and flavors of New York as if I haven’t been living here for the past 33 years.   They will not be here forever s

It is hard to be a good host and still put myself first.

“Be there for others, but never leave yourself behind.” – Dodinsky

In the meantime, my dating life continues slowly and steadily.  For some reason I still continue to think about the widower that I had great chemistry with.  He says that he is giving me space to spend time with my guests, but what I hear is: “I am not that interested”.  I already know that it will not work between us but something in me still wants him and doesn’t want to give up.  Perhaps the part of me that enjoys getting hurt in the name of love.

There is so much I would like to tell him if he could only stand a serious and deep conversation, as he puts it.

I want to say that I understand.  I understand being in pain.  I understand being unable to turn back the clock and get the past back.  I understand when people look at you and think that you should be over it by now and still you can’t.  All you want to do is crawl into a ball and hide.

I understand it and still I want to point out that he has choices.  He can continue to choose to feel like a victim or he can choose to move on.  He can choose to live or just exist.  The choice seems clear but sometimes we feel powerless to move.

Whatever he chooses to do or not to do I wish him well.

“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.” – Steve Maraboli

I had a date with an Ancient History teacher.  It was nice but no chemistry for me.  He asked me on a second date, I said yes but I haven’t scheduled anything yet.  I am not sure it is worth to waste his time if I already know I am not feeling it.

I had a date yesterday with a retired doctor.  He was so sweet.  He drove almost 2 hours to come and meet me for lunch.  The best part is that I got to bring my friend and my sister also. We had a great meal at a great restaurant. He was so gracious and funny, but I am not sure I felt any chemistry.  He texted a couple of times since yesterday and I am not sure what to do if he asks me on a second date.

“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.”  – E.E Cummings

This is the moment when my rose colored glasses are foggy!

22 Wednesday Jun 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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I have been writing, but I haven’t been posting. I normally write a post, step away from it for a little bit then I re-read and publish it. Lately by the time I reread it I feel the post no longer represents my feelings, or the opposite it is so honest it is painful, so I end up not publishing it all.

I don’t care about being a good writer but I care a great deal about being completely honest.  I also care about never forgetting how blessed I am, so it is very hard for this blessed self assured optimist to write about feeling unhappy.   What I have been writing about lately has me being portrayed as a victim.  oh poor me! There is nothing I hate more than playing the victim.

“You can either be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It all depends on how you view your life.” Paulo Coelho

At this rate I will never post anything again so, for better or worse, I decided to give you a summary of what all those unpublished posts were about.

  • Being unhappy at work.  Lately I am having a love-hate relationship with my work. I no longer feel comfortable there and want a change. By the time I re-read 3 pages about all that is going on at work I realized that it was the victim in me speaking. My job is the same and, although, some of the co-workers are different, their attitude are the same (demanding self entitled know it alls).  I am the one that changed.  I am probably just being more sensitive and a bit bored.

What I know is that being momentarily unhappy and uncomfortable can be a good thing. It can make me look around and see what else I could be doing. Looking around can show me that I have better than most people. I have a good job with a good salary and good perks. I am my own boss there. If I get another job I will probably have to deal with people telling me what to do.  Nothing worst for an Aries and Horse to be told what to do.

More than once last week I felt like quitting on the spot.  Mortgages and a credit line help me realize that I cannot afford to be impulsive.  Every job has good and bad, and mine is much better than most. Why throw that away?

Why just write and complain if I am not going to do anything about it? and immediately I start thinking of what to do.  I can improve myself in all areas so that when opportunities come knocking I am ready to answer.  I can also create my own opportunities instead of just waiting for it.  I can get my resume out to test the market, network, take classes, be more involved in my industry, improve certain functions on my day to day.

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” – Winston Churchill

  • Being unhappy with my body.  My hip hurts, I am addicted to sugar, my waist is not as noticeable as before, and the list goes on and on. Truth is my body is amazing and it looks great for all I put it through. I don’t do the hip exercises as often as I should. I eat so much sugar it is a wonder I don’t just melt every time I get under the shower. My 30 minutes on the elliptical machine is an absolute joke; it is just a walk on the park while watching TV.  So why just complain to you about that? Why try to justify to you the extra pounds? I know what I have to do. Writing pages about the unhappiness with my body is another way of avoiding doing what it needs to be done: more moving and less talking.

Start slow, be consistent. It is not a race. Ignore the little voices distracting me from the hard work. I am one of God’s amazing creations and I am perfect!

“To lose confidence in one’s body is to lose confidence in oneself.”- Simone Beauvoir

  • Being unhappy with some actions I want to take. One example: I want to see someone I know it is not for me. When I say “see” I don’t mean date, I mean meet, and if the mood is right take things further.  I crave intimacy.  I realized that in writing that, I really wanted you (the reader and friend) to give me permission. I wanted you tell me that it is okay to act in the moment, enjoy my body and forget about the consequences. How unfair of me to put you in that position, to either condone my actions or point the error of my ways.

I know better! I know that I am deserving of more. Amazing chemistry can be, well, amazing, but if there is no future it is just not for me. He is wrong but he is comfortable I know what I am getting into, I have been there before – The moment was amazing, the after was less so (and back then he was not kind of taken as he is now, he was just not right for me). I don’t need you to point out what a big mistake would be to revisit the past. Even though it would be exciting and fun, it would not be enough to make me forget my morals. There is also a little detail called “karma”. Knowing something is wrong and doing it anyway will definitely attract bad karma.  Why should I invite drama and not keep myself free from entanglements and open for the good to come in.

“it is impossible to build one’s own happiness on the unhappiness of others. This perspective is at the heart of Buddhist teachings.” – Daisaku Ikeda

  • I wrote about moments of total uncertainty, of so much doubt that I feel paralyzed. There are times I want to be rescued. I want a super-hero to step in and save the day, to show me the way, to guide me.   Do you realize how difficult it is for me to actually write that?

At the end of the day I realize only I can rescue myself. The guidance I need comes from God and the Universe and is already within me. I just need to be quiet enough to listen to it. I need to tune out the distractions, the little doubtful voices of uncertainty and focus on hope and possibilities.

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart.
…live in the question.” – Rainer Marie Rilke

Fear only appears to caution but not to paralyze me. Fear says: pay attention, this is important, so thread lightly. Troubles, problems, stress, uncertainty, discomfort, etc are all amazing sources to growth and wisdom.  I want to befriend my fears, talk to them, listen to them.  They have a lot to teach me.

Discomfort is also good to signal the need for a change. Nothing has ever been accomplished by people that were happy with status quo.

My list of unhappy posts goes on and on, but I gather from all this that my hesitation in posting certain things is because I don’t want to appear weak, depressive, lazy, needy, pessimistic.  In those writings I seek comfort and approval.  What an awful realization for someone so adventurous and self-assured like me .  Or is this weak thing the real me?

I am blessed and complaining feels ungrateful and unjustified. But still I am human, flawed, imperfect, wanting someone to hold me and tell me it will be okay.  In the end I am telling myself that I can have unhappy and weak moments but I don’t have to permanently stay there.  I can see those moments for what they are: lessons to learn, test of faith.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” – Rumi

What once was so natural to me: my optimism, now takes a little effort.  But I am not afraid of challenges so I will embrace it all.  I will concentrate on the positive, will make a point of seeing the beauty in everything and, most important, be grateful for all. I am opening my door to discomfort, problems, stress, unhappiness and all else, as I know that in the lessons and rewards they bring are limitless.

I will not freeze, even if slow, I will continue moving.  I will continue forging ahead putting my heart and beliefs first.  God has my back and is my strength, what am I to fear?  Who am I to question that?

I will value myself and I will choose to be with people that value me and that make me feel good about myself. I give 100% and I am deserving of 100%, I am not settling for less, even for a moment!

I am not re-reading this, as I am already second guessing myself if I should post it. So please look past the typos and grammatical errors and take a dip in the murky waters of my mind.

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity.” – Paulo Coelho

When people leave they do you a favor!

02 Saturday Apr 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I turned 50 years old on Monday and the world didn’t stop 🙂 Nothing really changed.   I am not feeling completely renewed or anything like that.  There was no huge celebration.  It was just another day.

I took the day off as I didn’t want to deal with my co-workers wishing me happy birthday.  That didn’t really work as I got all the birthday wishes and cupcakes the next day.  This was my sister’s birthday also (we are identical twins), so eventually we will be taking a big trip to celebrate.

I am promising myself to make 50 look like 25!! I want to really wake up for each day and embrace it.

***

As I mentioned before I have been taking a break from online dating, but I am already starting to get bored.  I know, I know that I could be doing many other things other than dating to cure my boredom, but the truth also is that I know my Prince is out there so I intend to look for him, or at least help him find me.

I am now trying to decide what online dating site I will try next.  I have tried E-Harmony and Plenty of Fish, and they both had good and bad points.  I am thinking of Match or perhaps Ourtime.  Any suggestions or recommendations?

***

Do you remember the doctor that I dated for awhile back last summer/fall?  When we dated I thought we would be perfect for each other.  We had similar ideas about a lot of things.  I thought he was incredible.  We were seeing each other twice a week, then he disappeared for a month.  Later he started texting again every now and then.  I kept an open mind but as time passed  and he remained mostly silent I lost interest.

I had not seen him for months but still every time he texted I replied because I still think he would be a cool friend.  On Tuesday when he texted I mentioned my birthday the day before and he wanted to take me out to dinner to celebrate.  I said yes.

It was awesome!  Amazing restaurant, amazing food and drink, but the best part for me was having the confirmation that I have zero interest in him romantically.  At the end of the evening I let him kiss me goodnight and I felt nothing.

At one point during dinner I asked him:  How is your dating life?  He said:  You are not allowed to ask that.  I started laughing.  For many reasons:  First because I remember asking him that same question before and getting the same answer,  second because I believe I can ask whatever I want, and last because the question was meaningless to me,  it was just a conversation topic for me as we were both catching up on each other’s lives.  It would have not made a difference what the answer was.  I thought it was funny that the thought I would care.  I also found him distasteful.

I felt so blessed at that moment.  I felt blessed that the answer (or non-answer) that at one point in the past hurt me, now made me laugh.  In the past when he refused to answer I thought he was actively dating other people and I felt hurt and a bit betrayed.

I guess he thinks that I am still interested in him romantically.  Now I have to decide what to do when he asks me out again, as I know he will.  I want to go as friends, but I could tell that he probably thinks that we can pick up where we left off.  We can’t!  That ship has sailed.   The moment is gone. I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it, and will exercise honesty always!

I love realizing that his disappearing act was a blessing. It was the needed break that was instrumental in my realizing that he is not for me.  I was infatuated with him and everything that he has accomplished and I had let that blind me.  What a mistake it would have been if things had become serious between us.

For awhile when he disappeared I felt like contacting him.  But then I realized gracefully that things and people are removed from our lives for a reason.  Sometimes is for us to appreciate them more, other times for us to realize we don’t need them at all, and we are deserving of more.  In this case it was the latter.

Wishing everyone a blessed weekend!  May you notice all the little miracles around you!

Kissing and Telling

17 Thursday Dec 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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 “Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of ‘not knowing.” – Mark Z. Danielewski

Life is flying by while I try to hang on and get things done…in the meantime my blog suffers in silence, and for that I am sorry and will try to be much better in 2016.

Audit at work:  Still not finished.  It is a struggle for me to live with unfinished things such as this.  I like to know when things will end, and how will they end.  How audits on a company of 15 people take 4 months is beyond me.  Government at its best!

Family: It is hard being far from my family at this moment.  Mom and dad aren’t young anymore and right now they have a lot of health issues.  I am learning to live with the fact that things will probably get even harder.  I am learning to accept the natural progression of life.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”  – Lao Tzu

Christmas Spirit: I have never really been a Christmas person.  I normally don’t fly to Brazil to be with my family around the holidays.  I either spend it with friends or alone.  And just between us, I often favor being alone, making some nice comfort food and watching a fun movie.

Now for the kissing and telling:

It turns out that the kissing improved… a lot!  I realized that he was just so nervous around me on the first 2 dates.  I also realized that finding fault with his kiss is my way of finding something wrong and therefore an excuse to run away.

I decided to make more of an en effort.  I decided to be less critical and more open.  I am trying not to sabotage this relationship.  I am trying to let things be and go and flow as they will.  Still at times I catch myself testing him, trying to push him away.  It feels like I could say or do anything and he will still be here, it is such a wonderful freeing feeling.

This relationship is extremely new, just a month old and yet it feels like forever.  We have only seen each other a handful of times.  We continue to speak for a couple of hours every night.  Our conversations range from events of the day to childhood memories.  I find myself telling him stupid stories that I have never told anyone.  It is so easy to talk to him.  He makes everything seem easy.

We are very similar on our morals, wants, needs and dreams, but still we are extremely different on so much more.  He is shy, I am out there.  He is gentle, I am aggressive.  He is Pisces, I am Aries.  He is Monkey, I am Horse.  My brutal honesty and in your face approach doesn’t scare him.  He says he is up to the challenge.  I wonder if he knows what he is in for.  I wonder if the novelty will wear off.

He is thoughtful and remembers things I tell him.  Like when I said that my favorite flowers were daisies and sunflowers and he shows up with them.

I have already met his 8 year old son.  It was a short meeting and it went well.  I also already met his co-workers.  I went to his work Holiday dinner, it was fun and everyone was welcoming.  At the end of the December I am going to North Carolina to meet his best friend.  Perhaps it is all a bit too fast, but I figure that knowing the important people in his life will give me a better idea of who he is.

It feels wonderful to have someone that cares and is not afraid to say it and show it.  It is refreshing to meet someone that is not into all the dating games people play.  He says what he means and means what he says.

I feel I found that rare combination of friend and lover all in one.  The possibilities seem limitless.  My heart is constantly singing.

He had just started online dating when I met him.  I had given up, contacting him was my last act before taking down my profile.  When he replied and we clicked it felt nothing short of a miracle.  At times I feel he hasn’t been out there enough.  His divorce was final in March and he was separated a year before that.  When I tell him that he should do some more dating to figure out what he wants, he tells me that he has already found what he wants and doesn’t need to do any more searching.  I shut up and smile.

“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow – this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

 

 

It is in his kiss, or is it?

01 Tuesday Dec 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

≈ 38 Comments

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The doctor is history! He is still around and will call/text every now and then, but when over a month goes by and I am not asked on a date no one needs to draw me a picture – he is just not that interested. It is perfectly fine. I always felt I appreciated more the conversations than anything else. I am hoping that we can still be friends, but I am tired of being the one to make the first move always, so this friendship may die a quiet slow death as I decided not get in touch anymore.  I knew that I could never have anything long-lasting with someone that thinks that sugar is the devil. Sugar is not friend but it doesn’t have to be the enemy either! 🙂

As I mentioned previously I decided to quit online dating for awhile. It was becoming like work and not fun anymore, so I figure a break was in order. On the final days of my e-Harmony subscription I decided to email MF. I never contact anyone, I always wait for them to contact me, but since I was quitting anyway I figure I would take this leap and contact him. MF is 47 but looks extremely young for his age. He did show me his driver’s license so I confirmed his age.

He replied and we hit of immediately. For over 2 weeks we spoke daily on the phone for many hours (we still do). Some evenings we spoke for as long as 3 hours. We bonded over Seinfeld and our gratitude for life, among other things. The longer we talked and as the days went the expectation was building up. Finally last Thursday we met in person.  The chemistry we had on the phone was also there in person.  He was every bit the sweet gentleman I expected.  We were immediately comfortable with one another. He was a bit nervous and it was cute to see that.

On Saturday we had another date. We went to a Brazilian Steakhouse and we both overate. It is impossible to go to one of those and not overeat. Afterwards, it was still early, so he asked me what I wanted to do. I decided that we should just return to my apartment and watch a movie. I trust him.  He actually he came over the first night I met him. Please keep in mind that I do not advise anyone inviting anyone over after just one meeting, but in this case I felt very safe and comfortable in doing that.  I knew nothing was going to happen.

We got to my apartment and I put a movie on Netflix.  After after about 20 minutes  I fell asleep. He was left to watch the movie by himself.  When the movie ended he woke me up to say good bye and close the door.

He mentioned to me yesterday that he doesn’t quite know what to make of my falling asleep on the date. He said he is looking at the positive side that I am very comfortable with him, instead of thinking he is so boring he put me to sleep.

I am not over thinking that one. I am sure worst things have happened on first dates.  It was a heavy dinner and I had a cocktail.  I also was tired from all our late nights on the phone.

What I am right now is extremely confused. On one hand I found someone exactly as I have been asking God to send me. He is gentle, caring, responsible, and honest. He is interested, willing and able. He wants to travel and do things. He is not too young or too old.

On the other hand I am not sure what I want. He is everything I thought I wanted and now he is here and I just don’t know.  I know I am extremely comfortable and happy with my single life, but I think life is better as a couple.  I keep dreaming of finding a partner and now he is here.  Is he the one?

He seems to like me a bit too much. It seems that I could do no wrong in his eyes. No one wants what is too easy, too simple, too available.  Do I want only who doesn’t want me? Is that a self defense mechanism?

He is so much like me. He is open and forthcoming with everything. He has no problems talking about his feelings, needs and wants. He has no problems divulging everything about his life. I have met my match and now what?

I have been honest with him and told him how I feel and, not surprisingly, he was extremely understanding. He said we should take it easy and take a day at a time and if friendship is all that I want he will be happy to have that as he thinks I am a real cool person.

So, what is my issue? Fear? I fear using him, hurting him. I fear settling.  I guess I am not as fearless as I thought.

Also, and perhaps this is the real crux of the matter: I didn’t care for his kiss.  I have not been honest with him about that.  He didn’t ask, so I didn’t volunteer.  How can you tell someone that their kiss is not what you expected and hoped for it?

I am not saying he doesn’t know how to kiss. He just doesn’t know enough to my liking. It felt hurried, and too much, but not in a good way. It seemed he was trying too hard, not natural. Should I hurt his feelings and tell him that? Men have such fragile egos. He is extremely nice and kind and the last thing I want to do is hurt him or offend him. But kissing is extremely important to me.  I cannot imagine being with someone that I don’t care to kiss.

These are the questions I have:

  • Is there a way that I can gently tell him that his kissing is sub-par?
  • Can I teach him how to kiss? Can I do it without offending him?
  • Can the kissing get better? Can you turn a bad kiss into a bad kisser into a good kisser?
  • Was he just nervous?
  • Does he think that that was a good kiss?
  • What about me? I think I am such a great kisser, but what if I am not? How does one know?
  • If this is how he kisses, how will the rest be? Do I even want to find out?
  • Is bad kissing a reason to break up with someone?

Perhaps finding an issue with his kiss is my way of finding a reason to break up with him, and continue to be single and free?

“I have found men who didn’t know how to kiss. I’ve always found time to teach them.” ― Mae West

A baby made me cry

26 Wednesday Aug 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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*“Talk not of wasted affection; affection never was wasted.” 

There is this one guy, I will call him J., I wrote about him before. We met in the train while commuting to work several years ago.  There was an immediate attraction, so we enjoyed many flirtatious train trips.  I didn’t have a boyfriend but he was married.  We didn’t want drama, so it ended before it began.  It became a friendship.  (yeah, yeah, I shouldn’t have been flirting with a married man to begin with, I am a shameless flirt, but I am older and wiser now) We kept in touch on and off. Years later when he got divorced he called me and asked me out for a drink to catch up, but at the time I was living with EX and I didn’t think it was a good idea so I declined. He understood.

After EX and I broke up J. and I met up again but by this time he was seeing someone else. Soon after that he got married.  I was a tad surprised by the marriage as I didn’t expect someone to get married so soon after a crazy divorce.  Not everyone feels they have to spend time mourning the demise of a relationship like I do.

*Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing, only a signal shown, and a distant voice in the darkness; So on the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another, only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence.

Fast forward to today.  I saw he had a new picture on LinkedIn and sent a quick note saying I like the picture and saying I hoped he was well.  After a couple of replies he tells me that there has been some personal changes, and I guessed, correctly, that he had become a father again, after all, as they say, after marriage comes baby and carriage.

I am very happy for him.  A new baby is always a good thing.  Immediately I realized that tears were welling up in my eyes.   Why am I getting emotional?  Having a baby was never a dream of mine.  I didn’t grow up dreaming of marriage and kids.  But still, somehow, there is this poetic sadness in my heart.  That could have been my life; that could have been my baby.  I think of the irony of timing and space.   Perhaps if we both had managed to meet up when we didn’t have other people in our lives, perhaps, perhaps…

At times I like the idea of a baby, I even long for one, but having a baby is no longer an option, it is not longer up to me…that ship has sailed.  It would be awesome to have that choice forever.  There are always options, I affirm to myself.

*“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” 

Reality is that J. and I would never be a great long lasting match.  There was chemistry and mutual admiration but that wouldn’t be enough to sustain it.  We would be great partners in some project but not in love.  My sadness over “what if” is unwarranted.  If we were meant to be and if I really liked him and he liked me we would have made it happen.

Stubbornly tears fall, and yet through tears I realize how awesome my life is and how I would not have it any other way.  God has a plan and I trust in that!  I am where I should be, baby-less, husband-less, but content, blessed and grateful!

I am blaming a poor baby for the tears in my eyes and the pain in my heart, but he is not the whole reason behind the tears.  It has been an emotional day.  As soon as I got to work I got a call that my mother was in the emergency room with chest pains.  She is fine now; it was just a false alarm.  But that was enough of a reminder of how far, geographically, I am from my family.  I am reminded that one day I will get a phone call that will cut me like a knife, what will I do then?  A feeling of powerlessness invades me and tears threaten to fall.  I let them.  There is nothing I can do but pray for a peaceful heart and mind.

*“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” 

*All quotes by  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow