Tag Archives: relationships

When it is ok to be evasive

26 Thursday Jan 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“May what I do flow from me like a river, no forcing and no holding back, the way it is with children.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

My dating life ebbs and flows.  I go through cycles.  Sometimes I am very interested in dating, in finding a partner.  I go on Match often, I read a lot profiles, I send likes.

Other times, as in now,  I feel I have no time for it. Or, perhaps I should say ,I just don’t have much interest.  I guess it is a combination of those factors.

Work has been occupying a lot of my mental capacity.  The audit that started in August is still not finished, but it should be a matter of days now… fingers crossed.

Still, even with my lack of interest and time, I managed to exchange messages with someone and go on a date last Thursday night.

We met for dinner at Modern Restaurant in New Rochelle.  He is 50 years old and works as part of spiritual care team at a large hospital.  He is very accomplished and intelligent.  He was personable and we had good conversations, mostly about his background and about Rumi.  He is very well versed in on all things Rumi. I love Rumi.

I had a good time, but there was zero chemistry for me.

He paid me a lot compliments.  He said that I am much better in person than in my pictures.   That made me questions my pictures on Match.

“Nothing in this world is harder than speaking the truth, nothing easier than flattery.” ― Fyodor Dostoevsky

He seemed really interested in me, and let me know it at every second.  While I appreciate the honesty and forwardness, it sometimes can smell of desperation and insincerity. Get to know someone more than a couple of hours before you start exalting them.

I don’t think he really knew how over the top he was really being. I did give him some pointers on future dates.  I pointed out that there is such thing as “too much too soon”.   He said I was his first date since he joined Match.  So perhaps that is the problem right there.  Too eager!

At the end of the date, he mentioned again that he was very enamored by me and wanted to see me again.  He said: “I desire you”.  That just made me cringe.

Then he asked if I was interested in him. Talk about putting someone on the spot!!

“I do know that the slickest way to lie is to tell the right amount of truth–then shut up.” ― Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land

I didn’t know how to answer.  Don’t get me wrong, I knew the answer.  It was NO.  I was not interested in seeing him again as a potential romantic partner.  I had zero interest in that.

I love the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and will always choose honesty above all else. But on first dates, safety comes first.  I don’t know if the person sitting across from me will turn into a raving lunatic upon rejection. I rather not chance it.

Even though my body and facial expression was screaming NO, out of my mouth came the words: “I am not sure.”

He looked deflated but said he understood.  We walked out of the restaurant, quickly hugged goodbye, and went our separate ways.

“It is not easy to keep silent when silence is a lie.” ― Victor Hugo

The next day I opened Match, and was about to write him and tell him how I really felt.  While I was deciding what to write, he blocked me.

Thank you!   I love when things get resolved on their own.

Everything in life, and in this case, dates, are either a win or a lesson.  This time, again, it was a lesson.  I learned that I need to read profiles more carefully, ask more questions and pay attention to the answers.

While he seemed to be a nice person and I had a nice time, had I spent more time reading his profile and asking the right questions before the date, I would know he was not for me.

On the date, he said he was not interested in a committed relationship.  It turns out he is still married, and there will be no divorce.  It is a long story that he shared with me on the date, and I am choosing not to repeat here to protect the innocent.

I understand his situation.  It has to do with his past, insurance, finances and a personal sense of obligation.  Still, even if there was chemistry, I think it would be too much drama for me to get involved with.

While, at the moment, I am a bit tired and very slow with my dating efforts, I am still out there and still interested.  I enjoy online dating. I enjoy first dates, I enjoy meeting new people; and for me it is still the best place for me to meet people.  And I believe he is out there!  It is okay if you call me delusional lol

Remember: Safety first when online dating!

“It’s discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.” ― Noël Coward, Blithe Spirit

A book, drinks, food, laughs = fun date

06 Friday Jan 2023

Posted by in Daily Life

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“Come to the book as you would come to an unexplored land. Come without a map. Explore it and draw your own map.” ― Stephen King, Hearts in Atlantis

On Wednesday night I met T. at the Beach House Cafe in Old Greenwich, CT.  He is a 59 year-old engineer, that also teaches yoga.

He looked better in person than he did in his pictures.  He had some facial hair, and it made him look younger.  I didn’t realize how short he was until we met.  I am not sure how I feel about that.  I don’t have a type, and normally don’t care about physical attributes, hair, etc.  But I am always hoping my date is taller than me. I am 5’4, and he is the same.  I would hate to be disqualified over my height, so I don’t want to be that person.

From the second we met we didn’t stop talking.  He was laughing a lot, because, apparently, I am very funny and quick witted. Or so he thinks.

There was just one moment of pause in the conversation.  He thought I paused because I didn’t understand the meaning of the word “ambivalent”.  I explained that my pause was about the way he used it in a sentence.  It didn’t fit. I wish I could remember the details so I could relay it here.

He apologized and said because English is my second language he had assumed that I wasn’t familiar with the word.  I didn’t take offense to that, but perhaps I should have.  For the record, the word is almost the same as in Portuguese, “ambivalente”, and I do know the meaning.

That was just a minor blip. We moved on. We have had similar experiences and have a similar outlook on life.  We are both very positive, and with a thirst for life.  One funny coincidence is that we both refuse to visit Paris until we have found The One.

Before coming to meet me he went to a bookstore to buy me the book pictured above.  In our messages I mentioned I like Kahlil Gibran. He paid attention.  I appreciated that!

We both like to open a book on any page and see if we get a special message.  Before I went to bed that night, I did just that.  It opened on the page below:

I sent it to him, then quickly regretted.  I don’t want him having any preconceived notions.

And I almost forgot to mention the most important part of evening 😉  Here is what we had to eat and drink:

To drink I had the “Pear Necessity”: Absolut pear vodka, elderflower liqueur, pear nectar & champagne.  It was delicious, but it could have used some kind of garnishment.  It was not as visually appealing as it could have been.  I think I am becoming a cocktail snob!  He had a couple of draft beers.

To eat, we shared: Yellowfin tuna flatbread, spicy fish tacos, Peking duck tacos and sweet potato fries.  He also had crab cakes (I don’t eat shellfish).  Everything was delicious.

I forgot to look at the desert menu.  Even if I am not going to order anything I always take a look to see if there is anything interesting.

He called last night.  Supposedly he was testing to see if he correctly connected his phone to his new truck.  Or it is just the excuse he gave.  I was out with my sister and a friend, so I just said a quick hello.

Last night was another night of fun eating at Little Drunken Chef in White Plains, NY. No drinking for me.  I already had cocktails twice this week. I offered to be the driver.  The food was fun (the pic below is not mine, but it is exactly how the empanadas arrive) and it was also delicious.  Besides the chicken empanadas we had beef tacos, fish tacos, chicken wings, mashed potato and shrimp.

To drink, my sister and my friend had the “Brazilian Wax”: Cachaça, fresh lime, fresh oranges, sugar cane and St. Germain. Delicious!!!! I had a sip, and also had it before, that is how I know how delicious it is. They also tried the “Between The Sheets”: vodka, fresh grapefruit juice, lemon juice and cava.  This one was too sour for them.

Now, getting back to the date.  Will there be a future? We shall see.  I would probably go on a second date, if asked. The main problem is not the height, but the distance.  We are over 1 hour away from each other.

“Distance sometimes lets you know who is worth keeping, and who is worth letting go.” ― Lana Del Rey

Post about this and that

09 Friday Dec 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

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I want to post more, I do.  I start writing a post, then I get busy or distracted; by the time I get back to it, it feels like old news and I start a new one.  I need to break this pattern.  I am going to try.  Until then, these are some of the topics/posts unfinished.

“How can a nation be called great if its bread tastes like kleenex?” ― Julia Child

Friends and baked goods.  This past weekend we met friends in Edison, NJ.  That is the half way point between my home in NY and theirs in PA.  The wife is a baker that likes to try new recipes.  She is so gracious and will gives us breads and other goodies on our birthday and for Christmas.  This time she gave my sister a box full of savory goods, and me one with sweets.  As that is our preference.

She makes a bunch of different items throughout the months and always saves us a sample.  My only complaint, if I can’t be that ungrateful, is that I was eager to have the scones, but she decided to flavor them this time with ginger. It was too strong for me.  But there were plenty of other goodies for me to try, such as the mini chocolate chip muffins below.

I feel beyond grateful to have kind, thoughtful friends, that like to bake!!!

mini chocolate chip muffins for breakfast just because

“We are made for loving. If we don’t love, we will be like plants without water.” ― Desmond Tutu

The Christmas cactuses are blooming.  The plants in my office continue to thrive. The picture below is from the beginning of the week.  Today they look even better and by next week all the buds will probably be in bloom.  I will take another picture them.

Christmas cactus starting to bloom

My Brazil jersey is a guy magnet.  Well, if the guy is a soccer loving one.  Since the World Cup is in the winter, I cannot show off my Brazilian jersey outdoors.  The 3 guys that saw me in the hall at work immediately smiled and approached me to talk about the World Cup.

Two of the guys I had crossed paths with before and there was never a hello.  All of a sudden they are my best friends.  That is the beauty of the World Cup.  It unites people in fun.

World Cup is on – Go Brazil!!

“The first World Cup I remember was in the 1950 when I was 9 or 10 years old. My father was a soccer player, and there was a big party, and when Brazil lost to Uruguay, I saw my father crying.” -Pele

Ultimatums are useless with me. I received an ultimatum from a person listed in my phone as “Waste of time”. He said it in the voice mail: “This is the last time I am calling you and leaving you a voice mail”.  I thought to myself: thank you!!

This is a person that I had one date with several years ago.  A couple of times a year he will call, waste my time on the phone complaining of how busy with work he is.  Then he will say that we need to get together and he will reach out when he has more time to meet.

Every time he called or texted I was polite and answered, but by now I had enough and blocked him.  So I don’t even see when it rings, I only get the voice mail. And now it seems I am free from that also.

I wish him well, but I am happy to never hear from him again.

“Relationships are negotiated and if you deal with ultimatums and authority all the time, then you’re not going to get anywhere.” – Phil McGraw

First date with the injury attorney

05 Saturday Nov 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Food

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“your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain, Kitchen Confidential: Adventures in the Culinary Underbelly

The date on Thursday evening was a lot fun. He likes to eat and wanted to try everything on the menu.  It was a feast!

Place: Maria’s Restaurant in New Rochelle

To drink: He doesn’t drink alcohol.  He drank diet cokes like it was going out of style. I had a delicious drink called Queen Margherita. It was made with Patron Silver, Passionfruit, Elderflower and lime. I had them use vodka instead of tequila. It was very tempting to have a couple, but I had only one.

To eat: He wanted to order everything, well except meat dishes. He is a vegetarian that recently turned vegan, but last night he made an exception and had cheese. We had 4 different appetizers. For entrée I chose the cod fish, which was delicious but I took most of it home as there was a lot food.  He had some beans and potatoes that they made special for him.  He also ordered some extra sides.

For dessert, even though he normally doesn’t eat sugar, he ordered 3 desserts for us to share (pictured above).  They were all delicious, even though none had chocolate in it!

“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.” ― Erma Bombeck

He is a 65yr old semi-retired attorney. He is very smart and very funny.  He talks a lot and so do I.  He asked a lot questions and seemed genuinely interested in hearing my answers.  He was very open talking about his life.

He has been divorced for decades, and has a good relationship with the ex-wife and his two married daughters.  He seems to be well adjusted, emotionally stable and a good person.

One funny moment.  Towards the end of the evening he fell down.  It is hard to explain, he was returning from the bathroom and when he went to sit down he misjudged the seat distance and fell.  He got up so fast, before I had the chance to try to help him.  I started laughing, I couldn’t help myself.  Luckily, he couldn’t either.  

It was such a fun date with tons of laughs, but I am not sure about chemistry.  I would probably go on a second date if he asks.  We shall see.

In the meantime, there are more dates on the horizon.  On Sunday I am going to a favorite restaurant in a gorgeous location for an early dinner date with a 60 year old businessman (not sure what he does exactly, will find out more on Sunday)

I hope everyone is having a blessed weekend!

“I hate people who are not serious about meals. It is so shallow of them.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

Still here, still busy, still happy

15 Saturday Oct 2022

Posted by in Daily Life

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“Being busy does not always mean real work. The object of all work is production or accomplishment and to either of these ends there must be forethought, system, planning, intelligence, and honest purpose, as well as perspiration. Seeming to do is not doing.” ― Thomas A. Edison

One of my and my sister’s best friend arrived from Brazil on October 8 to stay until the end of the month, so my busy life got even busier.  But also more fun.

Work continues to interfere with my peaceful and fun life.  The audit is still not finished.  Every few days I get some new request.  And then there are other work stuff.  New brokers being hired, new products being brokered, etc. In the end, it all works out, but until then I struggle.

I am growing so tired of my job. But I will talk about that in a next post.

“Don’t become complacent because ‘things could be worse’ but rather get busy because ‘things could be better’.” ― Bobby Darnell, Time For Dervin – Living Large In Geiggityville

Last Sunday my sister, my friend and I went to Philadelphia to visit a friend.  His birthday is coming up so as an early birthday present we took him and his wife to dinner.  First we stopped at their house and had some cold cuts, cheeses, and a couple of yummy homemade breads that they had ready for us.  His wife is a great baker.  We left with breads and scones as gifts. 

After leaving their home we went to downtown Philadelphia. We walked around sightseeing, saw the Liberty Bell, and then went to dinner at Amada Restaurant.  

Amada is a tapas restaurant.  I love tapas, I love sharing food.  They did tapas with a modern twist. Everything was delicious.  I am still dreaming about a cocktail called Rose Gold.  It is made with vodka, passion fruit and rosemary.

Our day trip to Philly was a success! We hope to go back to spend more time there.

“We mark with light in the memory the few interviews we have had with souls that made our souls wiser, that spoke what we thought, that told us what we knew, that gave us leave to be what we inly are.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mr.  Sweet continues to be a part of my life.  On Monday he went to dinner with my sister, my friend and I.   We had dinner at Posto 22.  We had a great time, a lot laughs.  He continues to be thoughtful.  This time again he brought bagels for my sister.

Even though all is going well, we have been talking about the fact that we were going too fast.  4 dates in 8 days was a bit excessive.  He just travelled to Florida to see his father, and I am busy with my friend.  We agreed that this break is welcomed. 

Mr. Sweet is such a great person, so sweet and thoughtful.  I care about him, and because of that I don’t think he should be dating seriously now.  His divorce papers just got filed.  Chances are his divorce will drag on for a while.  I believe that everyone coming out of a long term relationship/marriage should be alone for awhile before embarking on a new relationship.  

We are still excited about each other, and texting daily.  Still, I have made my profile visible again on Match.  I had put my profile on hold because I was busy and also because I had met him.  His profile remains hidden.

We shall see what the future holds. We both care and don’t want to hurt each other.

“And the danger is that in this move toward new horizons and far directions, that I may lose what I have now, and not find anything except loneliness.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

Next week I will be taking some time off, and my sister, my friend and I will spend some days in Connecticut and some days in Rhode Island.  I so need this break from work.

 

 

Dates Update: September 2022

02 Sunday Oct 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Abandon the urge to simplify everything, to look for formulas and easy answers, and to begin to think multidimensionally, to glory in the mystery and paradoxes of life, not to be dismayed by the multitude of causes and consequences that are inherent in each experience — to appreciate the fact that life is complex.” ― M. Scott Peck

Here is a quick update on the last few dates:

The 60-year old Stock Broker. We became texting friends.  He is a great guy, but there was really no chemistry for me.  His life has been very complicated lately, so we haven’t been able to meet again, as friends.  I hope that the complications in his life get sorted out.

The 65-year old Doctor.  The coffee date went well. The conversation was great, but I didn’t think there was enough there for a second date.  I was surprised when he texted a few days later, and asked me out on a second date for Wednesday night. 

I said yes, thinking there was no harm in meeting for a second time.  I immediately realized that I had said yes to someone else also, but decided not to cancel right away.

It turns out I didn’t need to.  The next day he texted and said: “I just got out of a relationship and I’m not ready.  I need to hold off on Wednesday for now.”  I said: “no problem, best wishes”

Later he texted back that he was going to call me on Wednesday.  I replied that I didn’t see the point of that.  He came back with: “It is not that I am not interested.  I just need to take some time for myself.”

I just decided not to reply anymore.  He is just cheap and doesn’t want to spend money on dinner, that is my take.  While I am not a materialistic person, I am allergic to cheapness.

Yesterday he texted: “What are you doing Saturday”

If I were going to answer it would be: “Not going out with you.”

I didn’t reply.  I don’t want to spend any  on him anymore.

The dog guy.  He is a great guy, but only friend material.  There was not any hint of anything romantic about our two dates.  I think he realized it also.  After some texting back and forth, it fizzled. I will miss Mr. W. the dog.

Then there was Mr. Very Smart. We went on one date. We had dinner at Sergio’s in Pelham, NY.  Everything was delicious, including the conversation.  He is so wise and resourceful that he was able to find this blog with very little information.  So, if you are reading this: Hello 🙂

I met him between dates 1 and 2 with the guy I will be mentioning next.  Had I not gone on additional dates with Mr. Sweetness, I would probably have gone on additional dates with Mr. Very Smart.

That brings me to Mr. Sweet.  We had 4 dates so far.  Since this post is getting too long, I will be writing about him on the next.

I will just mention that all feel magical!

“When nothing is expected, and everything is appreciated, all becomes magical.” ― Broms The Poet, Feast

The pains of a broken heart and the possibilities of online dating

25 Sunday Sep 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” – Rumi

Disclaimer: I didn’t have a chance to edit again, so please pardon the typos etc. It is a case if I don’t publish now, I fear I will never publish it.  

Hbsuefred https://hbsuefred.com/ wrote me a comment that hit me in such a deep way that I decided to write my reply to her in the form of a post.  

This was her comment:

As a newly single older gal, I feel so blessed to be schooled by you and others in a similar position who share their experiences. So far, I think the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that it’s a lot of work which to me makes it seem not worth the effort. Of course, I met my idiot ex (he filed after 30 years of marriage) through a dating service.

The fact that he just took wife #4 whom I believe he met on a dating website confirms that probably the older men one meets that way are generally not keepers. Of course I’m a bit jaded after stumbling on new wifey’s name and fb page where she posted wedding pix of ceremony that looks like it took place pretty recently and on which she and all her friends extol his virtues. None of them knows the morose alcoholic as well as I do. In fact, they may not even know that about him, including her!

The kicker was that ceremony and holiday pix from end of last year were taken in my old living room! However, after taking another stroll down memory lane (the written through correspondence history of our demise) this time there were no tears as it made me realize how long I put up with his crap and how much better off I am now without him.

Thanks for letting me vent. I hope your audit is successfully completed soon and that you keep sharing your adventures in dating which may someday be successful as well. In the meantime, enjoy your upcoming break. Will it have another purpose of preparing you for the upcoming dreaded holidays?

Here is my reply in 2 parts: Heartbreak and Online Dating.  

Heartbreak:

You can vent here any time you want.  30 years is a real long time to share your life with someone, only to have that be taken it away from you.  It is cruel to have that life you knew disappear.  My heart aches for you.

This is the first time in a real long time that I was taken back to that very painful period of time in my life, over 10 years ago.  My relationship was only a fraction of time of yours. Mine lasted 3 years, but the pain was so deep that I thought I was going to die from a broken heart.  I can’t begin to imagine your pain.

When you mentioned seeing pictures of the new wife taken in your old living room, I recall how I felt coming across similar details. It was like I was being punched in the stomach.  It was a slap in the face to see how easily I had been replaced.  I feel your pain.  I feel the devastation. I feel the anger.

I felt alone, sad, and stuck in the past, while he so quick and seamlessly continued life with somebody new.  For a long time I wanted my life back, I wanted him back.  As if he was a such a great prize.  I was the prize, but he was too dumb to see it.

For some time I wanted to hear him say: “I am sorry I cheated on you and hurt you”.  As if he would ever possess any sense of guilt or would ever acknowledge any wrongdoing.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

I went through all the stages of grief.  The one that I got stuck on the longest was denial.  I kept lying to myself. First, that it was not happening. Second, that he would come back. Thankfully he never did, otherwise I would probably have taken him back, only to be cheated on over and over again.

I didn’t know how to imagine my life without him.  I became blind and powerless.  It was as if he was the last man in the world.  How wrong I was.  Looking back I shudder to realize how long I allowed myself to feel like a victim and how much time I wasted wallowing in pity.

One of the best things I did was to stop looking at social media and googling him and the new girlfriend.  Every time I searched for him and her, I was being sucked back into the pain and anger.  It was hard not to give into the curiosity, but I felt more powerful every time I had the urge to look him up and I didn’t.  That power kept getting stronger to the point that the urge is no longer there.  He is past, and I have left him there.

A morose alcoholic?  Who needs that anyway?  I can only imagine what you have gone through all those 30 years.  How much of you you forgot and ignored to cater to him?

I am glad that you are able to see how much better off you are now.  It seems that you are well on your way to forgetting, forgiving and rebuilding.  We both received the gift of freedom, even though it didn’t feel like at the moment.  We were blessed that men  that didn’t belong, didn’t add anything, didn’t help us grow, were removed from our life.  We were too much into the relationship to see we needed to get out and do it on our own, instead we got a little push, well, a big shove really.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ― Rumi

It was the hardest thing I went through and it changed me… for the better, and I am sure is the same with you.   I now accept all, the good and the bad, with grace.  Everything is either a wonderful experience or a lesson.  The lessons are necessary. Receive it, learn it, move on. Don’t miss the wonderful experience of the moment being sad about the past.

We loved. We learned lessons.  We are aware. We are fully alive. We now can explore.  We can do whatever we please, be the masters of our destiny.  We can do everything or nothing. We are open to possibilities.  

Yet, it is not all sunshine and butterflies now.  I have my moments.  I have the moments that my ego takes control. I have the moments that I become a victim all over again.  There are times I feel powerless, helpless, loveless.  I work real hard at not letting those moments suck me in.  I make sure those don’t last.  I immediately turn to gratitude. I start making a list of all the good that is in my life.  Focusing on the positive is my way out. Gratitude for all I so blessedly have is my go-to weapon.

The pain goes away… eventually.  It is a fight, everyday.  Enjoy all the new steps, big and small.  Celebrate yourself each and every day.  One thing I know for sure:  You will thrive!

“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” ― Rumi

Online Dating:

I know that online dating, and dating in general, seems like a lot work.  It is.  But to me it is worth the hassle. My attitude has changed a lot from when I first started doing online dating,10 years ago, to right now writing this. 

I believe I will find the One, but it is not longer the reason why I do it. My One may not even be on a dating site.  So, for now, my focus is on meeting new people,  enjoying the moment and being fully present with each person I meet.  

The one thing I would love for you to get from reading my blog is to be open to possibilities.  All of them.  Give dating, online and otherwise, a chance. Give people, love, life, fun, a chance.

I fear that, sometimes, with my dating stories written here, I am discouraging people from giving online dating a chance.  It is a pain, there are fakes, jerks, losers, clueless, there are all kinds. I believe that there are some amazing people out there also.  I am a good person, and I can’t be the only good person doing online dating, could I? I believe good attracts good. Good energy and good heart will attract good energy and good heart.

I enjoy meeting new people, learning about their background, interests, etc.  I have accepted dates before to just get out of the house, and those normally end up frustrating.  So I now only go on a date if I see potential for fun, friendship or more.

10 years is a long time to be online dating and still be alone, some have pointed out to me in the past.  I never expected to still be alone, but I don’t blame the dating sites.  I am still single not because I haven’t found a good man.  I have found many good men.    I just haven’t found the one that makes me want to let go of being single.

The older I get the harder it will be for me to part ways with my singlehood.  The older I get the more I realize what a wonderful life I have.  It is hard to find someone to come in and add to it.  That is the key.  I am looking for some to add to my life.  To add joy, beauty, wonder, possibilities, not to add dramas, insecurities, headaches, etc. I don’t want dead weight.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ― Rumi

I am also well aware that, perhaps, I will forever fear giving my whole self to someone again; and that is something that I continuously work on. I strive to be open, trusting and non-judgmental.

I don’t see being alone at this point in time a failure.  I see being happy and grateful as a success, and that I am.  Online success to me doesn’t mean coming away with a boyfriend.  Success online to me is now measured in small bites.  Dinner with a great person is a success in my book.  Being introduced to new experiences, new interests, new ideas, is always a success to me. 

I do get tired of online dating at times.  Life gets too busy, I encounter too many jerks in a row, I become disillusioned, and I take a break.  Then, when I feel like, I go back to it.  To me online dating is a wonderful choice to have and I am grateful for it.

If you ever decide to give it a try please be careful.  I have written some posts about it:https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2016/10/27/how-to-spot-a-fake-dating-profile/ and https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2018/01/26/not-just-surviving-but-thriving-while-online-dating/

Please come back and vent here any time. Pardon my liberty of certain assumptions. Pardon my preachiness! Sending love, hugs and blessings to you!

“Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.”
― Rumi

Dating? What Dating?

11 Thursday Aug 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

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“He was swimming in a sea of other people’s expectations. Men had drowned in seas like that.” ― Robert Jordan, New Spring

Even though I haven’t gone on any dates since I re-joined Match over a month ago, I have exchanged a lot messages with potentials, and therefore I have some stories to tell.  I could have gone on some dates, but due to my lack of time, I am being more selective. I rather not waste anybody’s time.  or mine.

There were some guys that I was getting only a friend vibe and not romance.  I gave them the friendship option.  A couple agreed but we haven’t met yet.

When I started online dating years ago I never spoke on the phone prior to meeting in person.  Then I relaxed a little about that rule and would give my number out if I thought someone was serious.  Now, after exchanging numbers with a couple of people and being frustrated with the experience, I am back to not talking on the phone.  Of course, every now and then I may change my mind.   

“There’s a butterfly that has been hovering around the window. It doesn’t know where to go. I am that butterfly.” ― Bhuwan Thapaliya

In no particular order:

The Uninterested Learner:  This guy mentions that he is learning Portuguese, and writes a few words in Portuguese.  I get excited that we have something to talk about right away.  I reply with a simple greeting in Portuguese.  He takes 2 days to reply that he doesn’t know what it means. What about Google? Anyway, I translate it and try to initiate a conversation.  He goes silent again.  Then comes back again with a hi.  I reply and he goes silent.  It shows his level of interest.  I am not hanging around for a hi every few days.  Bye, or as we say in Brazil, tchau (ciao)!

The Busy Caller.  This guy and the one below are the reasons why I am not giving my number out anymore.  We had a great conversation on the phone, so great that he kept calling and I kept answering. Until I got tired of it.  He would end every call with: “We need to meet”, but never made plans.  I proposed meeting for coffee a couple of times, but he was always was busy.  I stopped answering the phone.  Talk is cheap.

The Not so Spiritually-Grown.   He said he wanted to just say a quick hi and make plans to meet. He called and we talked for almost 1 hour about, yes you guessed, spiritual growth.  He was eager to mention the many years he has been working on himself and how he has grown as a person.  

We made dinner plans for the following evening.  Next day comes and he texts: “I didn’t sleep well, and I don’t feel like driving to your town tonight.  Tomorrow night I have plans already, and then I am leaving for Spain for 10 days.  I will contact you when I return.”  Good thing I didn’t hold my breath. Ten days have come and gone long ago. Honesty is a sign of spiritual growth, or perhaps of just a descent human.  I knew he would never reach out again, so why not just be honest?

“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” ― Plato

The All about Boating guy:  He lives by a small lake about 1 hour away. We tried making plans to meet, but he always canceled over boating issues. The first time he canceled because there was an unexpected meeting about the dock, then someone was coming to fix the dock, then he had to go boating with his brother.  I decided not to try to schedule anymore.  I was already not feeling it, and I decided that he is too far invested in a boating lifestyle.  I am not, and don’t want to be.  In the end I just didn’t feel we wouldn’t be a good match and didn’t want him traveling 1 hour to see me, when he could go boating instead. 😊

The Bluffer:  this is a bunch of guys and not only one.  They will just come out with something like: “How about we grab a drink this week, what day are you free? ” I say: “sure”, and suggest a day. They in turn can never find the time.  They are not sure when they are free, but they keep messaging and wasting my time.  Why ask someone out if there is no intention of going through with it?

The Disingenuous.   He asked for my number right away.  I said no, and explained why not.  He asked me:  “How can we make plans to meet if you don’t give me your number?”  I said: “Right here, the same way we are communicating now.”  We exchanged a few more messages.  On Saturday morning he messages me asking me to lunch on Sunday.  When I replied accepting his invitation he was not online anymore.  And he was not online again until Sunday night, when he said:  “I got busy with my kids and didn’t have a chance to check Match. If I had your number…”

I didn’t really say what I wanted to say.  When I didn’t hear back from him on Saturday I knew there would be no Sunday brunch.  I have seen that movie before.

Note: So happens that as I am writing this he has another invitation for me.  Details to follow.

“I think Kitaru is honestly seeking something,” I went on. “In his own way, at his own pace. It’s just that I don’t think he’s grasped yet what it is. That’s why he can’t make any progress. If you don’t know what you’re looking for, it’s not easy to look for it.” ― Murakami Haruki

The Back Pedaling guy.  We exchanged a few messages, he invites me to dinner and I say yes.  Location and time are set. Then I get a video call request from him through the app.  I don’t accept it.  He then says that he hit that button by accident.  Later he says that is probably a good idea that we have a video call before meeting so that we can see that we are who we say we are. Because, as he said: “I could show up and you are a man”.  Yep, he said that, and he has not been the first.

This is a total turn off for me.  If you are not sure about someone then don’t schedule a date.  Be upfront about your needs and wants.  I don’t do video calls.  I have no interest in that.  Date was canceled.  He then said that we should meet for coffee.  While I have no problem in meeting for coffee, or for nothing really, like meeting at the library or something like that, I don’t like how he handled this.  I am not interested anymore.

The Young and Not Classy.  This guy is eight years younger than me, but by the way he went on and on, you would think that he was 20 years younger.  Side note:  I look younger than him.  In the first few messages there was no mention of age.  Then he started with questions such as if I don’t mind that he is younger, have I dated younger men, what is the youngest men I ever dated, etc.  It just got annoying that he kept obsessing about the age difference. If age is not an issue, then don’t make it an issue. Bye baby!

The All about Sex.  This guy seemed funny and in the beginning we exchanged a few cute messages.  There were a couple of innuendos thrown in there, and I just played along. I am okay with that, and probably guilt of that.  But he kept going and seemed stuck on the sexual innuendo world.  I tried guiding the messages to other areas but he was one track mind.  I got off that track before I got run over.  

“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

The Bad Interviewer.  He talks/write a lot, but it is not really a conversation.  It is being bombarded with questions that are meaningless to me.  What is your favorite color?  If you could be a pet which would you be?  What is your favorite food? What is your favorite season? Have you ever broken a bone? What is your favorite day of the week?  Day or night? And the list of inane questions goes on and on.  Finally I just sent one question back: “Date or no date?”.  He didn’t get it.  He never will.

Don’t be turned off to online dating after reading this.  There are some good guys also.  Not that those above are not good people.  They are just not good for me. 

There will always be miscommunications, misunderstandings, assumptions, expectations and the such.  Some people are just difficult.  I am difficult.

I believe in online dating.  I am grateful for the opportunity of meeting people that I wouldn’t normally have a chance to meet in my day to day life.  I still see joy in it, even though some times the water there is so murky one cannot see anything, let alone joy.

“Time provides all of us with the opportunity to change, alter our belief system, and create new perspectives that challenge a person’s character and teach him or her how to become a happier and wiser person.” ― Kilroy J. Oldster, Dead Toad Scrolls

 

Letting Silence be a Teacher

20 Thursday Feb 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“My thought is me: that’s why I can’t stop. I exist because I think… and I can’t stop myself from thinking. At this very moment – it’s frightful – if I exist, it is because I am horrified at existing. I am the one who pulls myself from the nothingness to which I aspire.” ― Jean-Paul Sartre, Nausea

Even though the weekend was great, there were instances when I saw expectations trying to creep in. That happened on the moments of silence.

Anytime it was quiet I could see my mind swirling with ideas of what to do and what to talk about. I would also think of what he should be doing. I expected.

I resisted those ideas. I shooed them away. I would tell myself: “all is as it is supposed to be. No need for words.”

M is on the quieter side. I think that most people are when compared to me. So in relationships I will often do most of the talking for the simple reason that silence makes me uncomfortable.

I am trying to be okay with silence and not feel that I have to fill it with unnecessary conversation.

This weekend, I tried. Any time there was silence I let it sit there. I let myself be uncomfortable. I made myself work with it.

“Silence is a source of Great Strength.” – ― Lao Tzu

Thoughts came and went. I didn’t voice them. The thoughts would come to the tip of my tongue and I would suppress them. Questions would pop up in my mind and I would purposely ignore them. It was not easy.

I thought of myself as getting stronger and stronger any time I fought the urge to speak.

It has been hard dealing with silence and not let expectations walk in. I realized that I need to be constantly entertained if I am with someone.

I cannot be together alone with my thoughts.

“Speak only if it improves upon the silence.” – Mahatma Gandhi

My thoughts are dangerous to a relationship in its infancy. My mind analyses, dissects, questions, expects. Nothing is good enough or perfect enough. Nothing will ever be as my mind conjures up. Nothing can ever compare to my expectations.

I admire people that can sit on a couch in silence and just be, with or without someone. I can’t.

Silence if I am alone is a little more bearable, but silence with another person kills me.

To me, worse than being with someone I can’t talk to, is being with someone I can’t be silent with.

“You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts.”― Kahlil Gibran

Don’t get me wrong. Let me clarify 2 points:

  1. I love being alone. It is not that I am incapable of being alone. But if I am with someone I need the interaction. I need the exchange of words and ideas. I need that give and take.
  2. If I really want to talk about something I will. But I am trying to make a distinction between talking to fill the space and talking because I think it has meaning/message/a point. I want to learn the difference between wanting to talk and needing to talk.

“This is the longest I have been silent with someone” – I think to myself as we sit in the living room. I have a book that I am trying to finish. He was replying to some emails from work. There was music playing and still I could hear the silence.

There is a subtle difference in talking to get to know each other and talking just not be in silence. This weekend I began to know the difference.

This past weekend silence reigned and I happily struggled!

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”
― Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

Feelings hurt, bullets dodged and we move on

07 Thursday Jun 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“You cannot control the behavior of others, but you can always choose how you respond to it.” – Roy T. Bennett

The Nature Writer.  I decided not to go on a second date with him.  I called him and said that there was no romantic vibes for me. I offered friendship.

He listened to what I had to say and said he really didn’t have the time to date seriously and was interested in friendship. He thanked me for my honesty.

Several days later he sent me 12 text messages one after the other.  He went on and on on how he was hurt that I assumed he was interested in dating.  He was also angry that I said I was going to schedule a second meeting as friends but never did.

I didn’t reply. What do I say to that?  It was just senseless.  This seemed to be the texting of a 12 year girl and not an intelligent almost 60 year old man.

I no longer feel the need for people to understand me.  Now I just let it go and don’t spend the time and energy. 

“We’re all islands shouting lies to each other across seas of misunderstanding.”  – Rudyard Kipling

The concierge – I met a kind, nice gentleman. He works as a concierge in a building in Manhattan. We met at a dive bar called Trailer Park Lounge. Not a place I am used to going but it was fun and welcoming.

I ordered a burger and even before I was finished he mentioned he wanted to go to Dallas BBQ a block away.  He said he loved the drinks there.  The drink he ordered  was one of those tropical drinks with umbrellas that you get when you go on vacation to a tropical island (picture is at the top) . It did look delicious but I already had a drink at the other bar and decided to just drink water.

While he was the nice, there was zero chemistry for me.  He, on the other hand professed his love for me and wanted to see me again.  What do I say to a man that is sitting across from me telling me his entire life and already making plans for a future together?

When he asked me when he was going to see me again I didn’t have the heart to say: never.  I didn’t really say yes or no.  I said that he was going too fast and that I was feeling pressured.

I should have gone for honesty, but instead I expected him to get the hint.  He didn’t.

And right as I am typing this I get a text from him asking me what I had decided about going on a second date.   I told him that I didn’t feel any romance and that I knew he didn’t want to be friends. I mentioned how great I thought he was but I was not feeling it.

He replied and I quote: “I bet you say that to everyone. Thank you for wasting my time”.  Not only he texted me that but he also wrote me a message online.

Well, he is right.  It is what I tell almost everyone because it is often the truth.

“The text has disappeared under the interpretation.” – Friedrich Nietsche

The realtor –  The one I mentioned in a couple of posts ago. I described how on the first date he kept trying to kiss and hug me even after I told him numerous times to stop.  Still I was wondering if I should go on a second date or not, as I thought perhaps there was potential if he would keep his hands to himself.

That is until I get a text that says: “I would like to schedule our second hug”.  Clearly he is not listening and has only physical interaction on his mind.

Needless to say there will not be a second date or hug.

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”  – George Bernard Shaw

I am not taking the replies from the above guys personally.  It is coming from a place of pain.  They thought I would be their future and I turn out to be just one date.  I have been there.  I have been on dates where I thought all it was perfect and then I  never heard from them again.

I am feeling blessed.  I think I dodged a few bullets.

I find myself in a conundrum.  I want to have an open mind and go on dates with guys that at first glance are not really my type but that perhaps will surprise me, and yet I see the need now to be even more discriminating.

“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.” – E.E. Cummings