Tag Archives: match.com

Love is in the Air – Easter Weekend Update

13 Thursday Apr 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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 I cannot pretend I am without fear. But my predominant feeling is one of gratitude. I have loved and been loved; I have been given much and I have given something in return; I have read and traveled and thought and written. I have had an intercourse with the world, the special intercourse of writers and readers.

Above all, I have been a sentient being, a thinking animal, on this beautiful planet, and that in itself has been an enormous privilege and adventure.”
― Oliver Sacks, Gratitude

As usual, I am short on time, but I wanted to give everyone an update.  Things with M are going marvelously well!  Love is blooming to coincide with spring. Sometimes I am afraid to talk about it and jinx it.  He adores everything about me.  I keep finding reasons to adore him.

I believe in fairy-tales, and he is becoming my version of fairy-tale.  I plan on enjoying every second for as long as it lasts.  With him I feel natural and beautiful, I don’t care about the stubborn several pounds that I keep losing and getting it back.  I still cannot find a single thing about him that gives me pause.  Nothing.

It doesn’t even matter to me that he lives in Florida.  A state that I said I would never live at.  He gave me the house keys, and says it is my home now.  He said that any time I need, I can just call and he will catch the next flight to NY.

We started communication on Match.com on February 8.  On February 23 we met in person when he flew to NY.  We barely know each other and yet it feels so right.

At times I remind myself that I have been searching for someone for over 10 years, so it may seem fast, and yet it is not. I am grateful, but also aware that it was about time lol

I have already been to Florida twice, and he has come to NY twice.   And we spent time in Park City, UT.

The last meeting was when he came to spend Easter.  He arrived last Thursday afternoon and stayed until Tuesday.  Yesterday, Wednesday, he visited some relatives in NJ and flew back home.

This time he stayed in my apartment.  It was just so easy having him there.  On the day that I had to work, he stayed out of the way watching his financial channels and doing research on some things for me.  When I went to the mosaic studio on Saturday morning, he walked around my neighborhood with my sister.

“That I may be able to say of love (that I had) 

Be not immortal, since it is a flame,

 But be infinite while it lasts” – Vinicius de Moraes

 On the other days he fixed some stuff around my apartment, we went to Kohls, and a couple of other stores, and we also went out to eat a bunch of times.  The most memorable restaurants were:

  • Harvest on Hudson in Hastings, NY. The location is just gorgeous.  The food was not as amazing as it normally is, but still was very good.  We had cod fritters, eggplant meatballs, cod fish with mashed potatoes and cauliflower, and a pasta and asparagus dish.  For dessert we had tiramisu and chocolate tart.  To drink we had the Brazilian Caipirinha (sugar cane alcohol, lime and passionfruit).
  • Telly Taverna in Port Chester.  Beautiful place, great waiters, and amazing food.  We had so many different foods, so is hard to remember, but among the dishes were:  For appetizers: Mixed fried vegetables, zucchini croquettes, fried potatoes, pita bread with hummus and yogurt dip, spanakopita (the best ever!).  For entrees we had: the flounder, the cod, and the salmon.  For dessert they gave us what looked like donut holes with cinnamon and honey.  We went a little nuts with the ordering and took some food home. To drink we all had a different cocktail and all 3 were delicious.  They were: Drunken Telly’s (Passion fruit, citrus, Metaxa and malibu), Paros (Aperol, St Germain, prosecco, Greek honey) and he third one I don’t remember the name, but it had cucumbers in, and it was my least favorite.
  • Alvin and Friends in New Rochelle. We were going to another restaurant, but it was closed for Easter, so we just walked into Alvins.  Always great, but some of the items were not as usual, and a bit pricy as it was $65 per person for the food, as it was an Easter pre-fix menu.  We had cod fritters and empanadas for appetizers.  Entrees were: Fried chicken with macaroni and cheese.  I had coconut rice with ribs, and M had salmon with macaroni and cheese.  For desserts we took home chocolate cake and fruit tarts.  To drink we each had a different cocktail and they were all awesome. They were: rum punch, peach martini and a prosecco raspberry.  The owner visits every table, every time, and that always feels like the nicest thing to do.

Breakfasts, and one meal I cooked at home.  He later commented to my sister that he keeps finding amazing things about me, such as the fact that I can cook.  All I did was makes eggs in the morning, and for dinner, heat up left overs and make some salmon, which I overcooked.  For some reason he is so easily impressed by me. (yes, I giggled writing that)

I will be taking 2 trips to Brazil.  The first one, in about one week, will be very short, just to get my mom and bring her to NY for her 88th birthday.  I will be returning to Brazil in May to take my mom back. I will stay there about 3 weeks.  At that time, M will come to stay some time and meet the rest of the family.  We haven’t discussed the itinerary yet, but we are both excited about it.

He has been learning Portuguese since meeting me.  I so appreciate his efforts in being ready to communicate with my family. He even offered to stay with my parents in Brazil if I needed a break.  He is one of a kind! And he is now mine! 😉

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect—you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break—her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.” ― Bob Marley

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Still here, still busy, still happy

15 Saturday Oct 2022

Posted by in Daily Life

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“Being busy does not always mean real work. The object of all work is production or accomplishment and to either of these ends there must be forethought, system, planning, intelligence, and honest purpose, as well as perspiration. Seeming to do is not doing.” ― Thomas A. Edison

One of my and my sister’s best friend arrived from Brazil on October 8 to stay until the end of the month, so my busy life got even busier.  But also more fun.

Work continues to interfere with my peaceful and fun life.  The audit is still not finished.  Every few days I get some new request.  And then there are other work stuff.  New brokers being hired, new products being brokered, etc. In the end, it all works out, but until then I struggle.

I am growing so tired of my job. But I will talk about that in a next post.

“Don’t become complacent because ‘things could be worse’ but rather get busy because ‘things could be better’.” ― Bobby Darnell, Time For Dervin – Living Large In Geiggityville

Last Sunday my sister, my friend and I went to Philadelphia to visit a friend.  His birthday is coming up so as an early birthday present we took him and his wife to dinner.  First we stopped at their house and had some cold cuts, cheeses, and a couple of yummy homemade breads that they had ready for us.  His wife is a great baker.  We left with breads and scones as gifts. 

After leaving their home we went to downtown Philadelphia. We walked around sightseeing, saw the Liberty Bell, and then went to dinner at Amada Restaurant.  

Amada is a tapas restaurant.  I love tapas, I love sharing food.  They did tapas with a modern twist. Everything was delicious.  I am still dreaming about a cocktail called Rose Gold.  It is made with vodka, passion fruit and rosemary.

Our day trip to Philly was a success! We hope to go back to spend more time there.

“We mark with light in the memory the few interviews we have had with souls that made our souls wiser, that spoke what we thought, that told us what we knew, that gave us leave to be what we inly are.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mr.  Sweet continues to be a part of my life.  On Monday he went to dinner with my sister, my friend and I.   We had dinner at Posto 22.  We had a great time, a lot laughs.  He continues to be thoughtful.  This time again he brought bagels for my sister.

Even though all is going well, we have been talking about the fact that we were going too fast.  4 dates in 8 days was a bit excessive.  He just travelled to Florida to see his father, and I am busy with my friend.  We agreed that this break is welcomed. 

Mr. Sweet is such a great person, so sweet and thoughtful.  I care about him, and because of that I don’t think he should be dating seriously now.  His divorce papers just got filed.  Chances are his divorce will drag on for a while.  I believe that everyone coming out of a long term relationship/marriage should be alone for awhile before embarking on a new relationship.  

We are still excited about each other, and texting daily.  Still, I have made my profile visible again on Match.  I had put my profile on hold because I was busy and also because I had met him.  His profile remains hidden.

We shall see what the future holds. We both care and don’t want to hurt each other.

“And the danger is that in this move toward new horizons and far directions, that I may lose what I have now, and not find anything except loneliness.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

Next week I will be taking some time off, and my sister, my friend and I will spend some days in Connecticut and some days in Rhode Island.  I so need this break from work.

 

 

Introducing Mr. Sweet

03 Monday Oct 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“We must pursue what’s in front of us, not what we can’t have or what we have lost. We must grasp what we can reach and hold on, fast.” ― Maggie O’Farrell, This Must Be the Place

We met 13 days ago.  We are both amazed how it feels more like 13 months or years.  I have been hesitating about him. It feels so strong and yet it feels so fragile… if that makes any sense.

Something about safeguarding it and not letting the sunlight, the outside in, and spoil all the possibilities. For the bakers out there, do you know when you have a beautiful risen cake in the oven and you open the oven door too early and the cold air makes the beautiful cake collapses?  That is what I am trying to prevent from happening it here. 

I guess I don’t want to jinx it.  But why am I being all superstitious about it?  It is what it is.  Will be what will be. 

Here we go:

Mr. Sweet will be 57 years old next month (making him only 5 months older than I am).  He looks very young for his age.  I think I look young too, so that is a match.  He is shorter than I would like, but I realize that I can’t have it all 😉 

At the moment he is doing something with insurance, I am not sure all the details. He mentioned that he is financially secure – that is important to me – I don’t want to support a man.  The divorce is not final, but it is in the works.  Will save more details for later.

First Date: September 21 at Modern Restaurant.  As I walked in, he left the bar and came to meet me at door.  This little detail meant the world to me.  So many times I have to walk to the bar and wonder who is my date.  I have walked up to the wrong person in the past.

He had a huge smile on his face.  We were seated immediately.  We shared a Caesar salad and a pizza.  I had a glass of prosecco. He had beer.  We only stopped talking and left the restaurant because we were the only table left and we felt we had to leave.

He walked me to my building.  I hugged him good bye.  There was no kiss, but I wouldn’t have minded if had kissed me.

“In the arts, as in life, everything is possible provided it is based on love.” ― Marc Chagall

Date Two: September 23 at Town House Restaurant. It is a new restaurant in New Rochelle that I was looking forward to trying.  This time he took the train from NYC.  I met him at the station and we walked to the restaurant.

We shared the duck and the burger and a green bean appetizer.  For dessert we shared the flan and a chocolate cremeaux.  I had a cosmo, as they didn’t have passion fruit, and all other cocktails on the menu were weird… there was even a mushroom cocktail. He had a guava infused mezcal drink.

Everything was delicious about this evening.  He walked me to my door and we kissed good bye.  The kiss had my favorite flavor: promise and possibilities.

“It’s the possibility that keeps me going, not the guarantee.” ― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

Date three: September 28. Wooden Spoon Restaurant. I wish I could erase that hour on that restaurant from my mind.  As I was biting into the burger, I found the cheese oddly stringy.  Then on the second bite I realized: it was a hair.  I am still grossed out about that.  Needless to say I lost my appetite.  He offered to take me some other place, but I couldn’t bear the thought of eating anything else at that point.

We walked around the neighborhood, and then I invited him to my apartment.  I was getting hungry, but didn’t want to go anywhere. My sister had given me magic bars that afternoon so I was looking forward to that.

We had magic bars, listened to music and talked, talked, talked.  Believe it or not, this guy talks more than I do.  There is never any awkward silent with us.

First time in a long time that I have a guy over at my apartment.  I had no qualms about inviting him in.  I felt like I am inviting an old friend.

The highlight of the evening: He brought me chocolates from Jacques Torres.  He made a point of bringing me some with coconut and some with coffee as those are my favorites. 

and the sweetest kisses with the softest lips…

“Choose Love, Love! Without the sweet life of
Love, living is a burden—as you have seen.”
― Elif Shafak, The Forty Rules of Love

Date Four: September 30 at Alvin and Friends.  It is a always reliable restaurant.  We shared the empanadas as appetizer and for the entrée we had the ribs, fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, collard greens, cole slaw.  For dessert we shared the coconut cheesecake. I had a prosecco cocktail and he had a minty mule.

We left the restaurant and stopped by my sister’s apartment to give her some left overs.  He met my sister briefly.  She called me after to ask his age.  He does look young. 

Again he came into my apartment, stayed awhile, then called an Uber and went home.  I love that there is no pressure for anything.

He brought me 2 kinds of bread, and a chocolate caramel tart. He knows I love breads and chocolate.  Perhaps I should have told him I love jewelry. lol

“The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space.” ― Marilyn Monroe

Date Five: I guess after 5 I will stop counting them.  Monday, October 3rd, tonight.   I said I was going to cook, but I immediately regretted it as it is a busy day at work, and I would feel stressed about it.  I told him, and he said it was okay.  So instead of a dinner date, it will be an after dinner date.

Gosh, now I am panicking because I should have drinks and dessert in the house.  Oh well. 

We both have a lot going on this month and we won’t be able to see each other for awhile.  That is why we are sneaking this date tonight.  

Please don’t worry, I am not blinded by all the sweetness and thoughtfulness, but I am totally bathing myself in it.  

I can’t wait to see what happens next… as if this is a movie that I am watching, and I am not the main character.  The possibilities are infinite, and I am so ready for all of them.

got run, work to finish, run home, shower and beautify myself 🙂

“I can’t think of anything I’d rather have more than somebody lovin’ me.” ― Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees

The pains of a broken heart and the possibilities of online dating

25 Sunday Sep 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” – Rumi

Disclaimer: I didn’t have a chance to edit again, so please pardon the typos etc. It is a case if I don’t publish now, I fear I will never publish it.  

Hbsuefred https://hbsuefred.com/ wrote me a comment that hit me in such a deep way that I decided to write my reply to her in the form of a post.  

This was her comment:

As a newly single older gal, I feel so blessed to be schooled by you and others in a similar position who share their experiences. So far, I think the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that it’s a lot of work which to me makes it seem not worth the effort. Of course, I met my idiot ex (he filed after 30 years of marriage) through a dating service.

The fact that he just took wife #4 whom I believe he met on a dating website confirms that probably the older men one meets that way are generally not keepers. Of course I’m a bit jaded after stumbling on new wifey’s name and fb page where she posted wedding pix of ceremony that looks like it took place pretty recently and on which she and all her friends extol his virtues. None of them knows the morose alcoholic as well as I do. In fact, they may not even know that about him, including her!

The kicker was that ceremony and holiday pix from end of last year were taken in my old living room! However, after taking another stroll down memory lane (the written through correspondence history of our demise) this time there were no tears as it made me realize how long I put up with his crap and how much better off I am now without him.

Thanks for letting me vent. I hope your audit is successfully completed soon and that you keep sharing your adventures in dating which may someday be successful as well. In the meantime, enjoy your upcoming break. Will it have another purpose of preparing you for the upcoming dreaded holidays?

Here is my reply in 2 parts: Heartbreak and Online Dating.  

Heartbreak:

You can vent here any time you want.  30 years is a real long time to share your life with someone, only to have that be taken it away from you.  It is cruel to have that life you knew disappear.  My heart aches for you.

This is the first time in a real long time that I was taken back to that very painful period of time in my life, over 10 years ago.  My relationship was only a fraction of time of yours. Mine lasted 3 years, but the pain was so deep that I thought I was going to die from a broken heart.  I can’t begin to imagine your pain.

When you mentioned seeing pictures of the new wife taken in your old living room, I recall how I felt coming across similar details. It was like I was being punched in the stomach.  It was a slap in the face to see how easily I had been replaced.  I feel your pain.  I feel the devastation. I feel the anger.

I felt alone, sad, and stuck in the past, while he so quick and seamlessly continued life with somebody new.  For a long time I wanted my life back, I wanted him back.  As if he was a such a great prize.  I was the prize, but he was too dumb to see it.

For some time I wanted to hear him say: “I am sorry I cheated on you and hurt you”.  As if he would ever possess any sense of guilt or would ever acknowledge any wrongdoing.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

I went through all the stages of grief.  The one that I got stuck on the longest was denial.  I kept lying to myself. First, that it was not happening. Second, that he would come back. Thankfully he never did, otherwise I would probably have taken him back, only to be cheated on over and over again.

I didn’t know how to imagine my life without him.  I became blind and powerless.  It was as if he was the last man in the world.  How wrong I was.  Looking back I shudder to realize how long I allowed myself to feel like a victim and how much time I wasted wallowing in pity.

One of the best things I did was to stop looking at social media and googling him and the new girlfriend.  Every time I searched for him and her, I was being sucked back into the pain and anger.  It was hard not to give into the curiosity, but I felt more powerful every time I had the urge to look him up and I didn’t.  That power kept getting stronger to the point that the urge is no longer there.  He is past, and I have left him there.

A morose alcoholic?  Who needs that anyway?  I can only imagine what you have gone through all those 30 years.  How much of you you forgot and ignored to cater to him?

I am glad that you are able to see how much better off you are now.  It seems that you are well on your way to forgetting, forgiving and rebuilding.  We both received the gift of freedom, even though it didn’t feel like at the moment.  We were blessed that men  that didn’t belong, didn’t add anything, didn’t help us grow, were removed from our life.  We were too much into the relationship to see we needed to get out and do it on our own, instead we got a little push, well, a big shove really.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ― Rumi

It was the hardest thing I went through and it changed me… for the better, and I am sure is the same with you.   I now accept all, the good and the bad, with grace.  Everything is either a wonderful experience or a lesson.  The lessons are necessary. Receive it, learn it, move on. Don’t miss the wonderful experience of the moment being sad about the past.

We loved. We learned lessons.  We are aware. We are fully alive. We now can explore.  We can do whatever we please, be the masters of our destiny.  We can do everything or nothing. We are open to possibilities.  

Yet, it is not all sunshine and butterflies now.  I have my moments.  I have the moments that my ego takes control. I have the moments that I become a victim all over again.  There are times I feel powerless, helpless, loveless.  I work real hard at not letting those moments suck me in.  I make sure those don’t last.  I immediately turn to gratitude. I start making a list of all the good that is in my life.  Focusing on the positive is my way out. Gratitude for all I so blessedly have is my go-to weapon.

The pain goes away… eventually.  It is a fight, everyday.  Enjoy all the new steps, big and small.  Celebrate yourself each and every day.  One thing I know for sure:  You will thrive!

“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” ― Rumi

Online Dating:

I know that online dating, and dating in general, seems like a lot work.  It is.  But to me it is worth the hassle. My attitude has changed a lot from when I first started doing online dating,10 years ago, to right now writing this. 

I believe I will find the One, but it is not longer the reason why I do it. My One may not even be on a dating site.  So, for now, my focus is on meeting new people,  enjoying the moment and being fully present with each person I meet.  

The one thing I would love for you to get from reading my blog is to be open to possibilities.  All of them.  Give dating, online and otherwise, a chance. Give people, love, life, fun, a chance.

I fear that, sometimes, with my dating stories written here, I am discouraging people from giving online dating a chance.  It is a pain, there are fakes, jerks, losers, clueless, there are all kinds. I believe that there are some amazing people out there also.  I am a good person, and I can’t be the only good person doing online dating, could I? I believe good attracts good. Good energy and good heart will attract good energy and good heart.

I enjoy meeting new people, learning about their background, interests, etc.  I have accepted dates before to just get out of the house, and those normally end up frustrating.  So I now only go on a date if I see potential for fun, friendship or more.

10 years is a long time to be online dating and still be alone, some have pointed out to me in the past.  I never expected to still be alone, but I don’t blame the dating sites.  I am still single not because I haven’t found a good man.  I have found many good men.    I just haven’t found the one that makes me want to let go of being single.

The older I get the harder it will be for me to part ways with my singlehood.  The older I get the more I realize what a wonderful life I have.  It is hard to find someone to come in and add to it.  That is the key.  I am looking for some to add to my life.  To add joy, beauty, wonder, possibilities, not to add dramas, insecurities, headaches, etc. I don’t want dead weight.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ― Rumi

I am also well aware that, perhaps, I will forever fear giving my whole self to someone again; and that is something that I continuously work on. I strive to be open, trusting and non-judgmental.

I don’t see being alone at this point in time a failure.  I see being happy and grateful as a success, and that I am.  Online success to me doesn’t mean coming away with a boyfriend.  Success online to me is now measured in small bites.  Dinner with a great person is a success in my book.  Being introduced to new experiences, new interests, new ideas, is always a success to me. 

I do get tired of online dating at times.  Life gets too busy, I encounter too many jerks in a row, I become disillusioned, and I take a break.  Then, when I feel like, I go back to it.  To me online dating is a wonderful choice to have and I am grateful for it.

If you ever decide to give it a try please be careful.  I have written some posts about it:https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2016/10/27/how-to-spot-a-fake-dating-profile/ and https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2018/01/26/not-just-surviving-but-thriving-while-online-dating/

Please come back and vent here any time. Pardon my liberty of certain assumptions. Pardon my preachiness! Sending love, hugs and blessings to you!

“Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.”
― Rumi

Short Stories of my days

25 Thursday Aug 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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Work: My assistant is back.  Work-life returning to normal.  Well, not really. There is an on-going regulatory audit to deal with.  Perhaps will be done by October.

ATM mishap: A lesson: If the ATM looks beat-up and old, do not try to get money out of it.  The machine made a sound like it was about to spill out the money.  Never did.  The bank was closed.  Had to call my bank.  Now I have to wait 2 days to see if the money is returned to my account.

Mosaic: I will be posting my latest piece tomorrow.   The girls at the studio didn’t like it.   And perhaps that is the reason I love it so much. 

Dates:  Last night:  Went on a date with a motivational speaker.  Nice guy.  He talked so much it was overwhelming. Motivated me to try to talk less on dates.  I may have that in me.  That need to talk, talk, talk.

We went to a diner.  I had breakfast. He had dinner. He was busy talking. I was busy eating.  He took home most of his.  I ate every last bite of mine.

I got home and thanked him for the date, and mentioned there was no chemistry for me.  He sent me this:  

We certainly think very differently about the way chemistry works. I don’t like trying to be convinced otherwise, as I have tried it in the past and it doesn’t work.

And, yes Rob, he has a cat! 

Tonight: I am going on a date with a guy in the financial services industry.  For some reason I feel it is a business connection and not a romantic one.  Whatever it is, it is Thursday night – date night in my book, so I will be dressing up and having an adult beverage. 

“Short stories are tiny windows into other worlds and other minds and other dreams. They are journeys you can make to the far side of the universe and still be back in time for dinner.” –― Neil Gaiman

Dating? What Dating?

11 Thursday Aug 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

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“He was swimming in a sea of other people’s expectations. Men had drowned in seas like that.” ― Robert Jordan, New Spring

Even though I haven’t gone on any dates since I re-joined Match over a month ago, I have exchanged a lot messages with potentials, and therefore I have some stories to tell.  I could have gone on some dates, but due to my lack of time, I am being more selective. I rather not waste anybody’s time.  or mine.

There were some guys that I was getting only a friend vibe and not romance.  I gave them the friendship option.  A couple agreed but we haven’t met yet.

When I started online dating years ago I never spoke on the phone prior to meeting in person.  Then I relaxed a little about that rule and would give my number out if I thought someone was serious.  Now, after exchanging numbers with a couple of people and being frustrated with the experience, I am back to not talking on the phone.  Of course, every now and then I may change my mind.   

“There’s a butterfly that has been hovering around the window. It doesn’t know where to go. I am that butterfly.” ― Bhuwan Thapaliya

In no particular order:

The Uninterested Learner:  This guy mentions that he is learning Portuguese, and writes a few words in Portuguese.  I get excited that we have something to talk about right away.  I reply with a simple greeting in Portuguese.  He takes 2 days to reply that he doesn’t know what it means. What about Google? Anyway, I translate it and try to initiate a conversation.  He goes silent again.  Then comes back again with a hi.  I reply and he goes silent.  It shows his level of interest.  I am not hanging around for a hi every few days.  Bye, or as we say in Brazil, tchau (ciao)!

The Busy Caller.  This guy and the one below are the reasons why I am not giving my number out anymore.  We had a great conversation on the phone, so great that he kept calling and I kept answering. Until I got tired of it.  He would end every call with: “We need to meet”, but never made plans.  I proposed meeting for coffee a couple of times, but he was always was busy.  I stopped answering the phone.  Talk is cheap.

The Not so Spiritually-Grown.   He said he wanted to just say a quick hi and make plans to meet. He called and we talked for almost 1 hour about, yes you guessed, spiritual growth.  He was eager to mention the many years he has been working on himself and how he has grown as a person.  

We made dinner plans for the following evening.  Next day comes and he texts: “I didn’t sleep well, and I don’t feel like driving to your town tonight.  Tomorrow night I have plans already, and then I am leaving for Spain for 10 days.  I will contact you when I return.”  Good thing I didn’t hold my breath. Ten days have come and gone long ago. Honesty is a sign of spiritual growth, or perhaps of just a descent human.  I knew he would never reach out again, so why not just be honest?

“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” ― Plato

The All about Boating guy:  He lives by a small lake about 1 hour away. We tried making plans to meet, but he always canceled over boating issues. The first time he canceled because there was an unexpected meeting about the dock, then someone was coming to fix the dock, then he had to go boating with his brother.  I decided not to try to schedule anymore.  I was already not feeling it, and I decided that he is too far invested in a boating lifestyle.  I am not, and don’t want to be.  In the end I just didn’t feel we wouldn’t be a good match and didn’t want him traveling 1 hour to see me, when he could go boating instead. 😊

The Bluffer:  this is a bunch of guys and not only one.  They will just come out with something like: “How about we grab a drink this week, what day are you free? ” I say: “sure”, and suggest a day. They in turn can never find the time.  They are not sure when they are free, but they keep messaging and wasting my time.  Why ask someone out if there is no intention of going through with it?

The Disingenuous.   He asked for my number right away.  I said no, and explained why not.  He asked me:  “How can we make plans to meet if you don’t give me your number?”  I said: “Right here, the same way we are communicating now.”  We exchanged a few more messages.  On Saturday morning he messages me asking me to lunch on Sunday.  When I replied accepting his invitation he was not online anymore.  And he was not online again until Sunday night, when he said:  “I got busy with my kids and didn’t have a chance to check Match. If I had your number…”

I didn’t really say what I wanted to say.  When I didn’t hear back from him on Saturday I knew there would be no Sunday brunch.  I have seen that movie before.

Note: So happens that as I am writing this he has another invitation for me.  Details to follow.

“I think Kitaru is honestly seeking something,” I went on. “In his own way, at his own pace. It’s just that I don’t think he’s grasped yet what it is. That’s why he can’t make any progress. If you don’t know what you’re looking for, it’s not easy to look for it.” ― Murakami Haruki

The Back Pedaling guy.  We exchanged a few messages, he invites me to dinner and I say yes.  Location and time are set. Then I get a video call request from him through the app.  I don’t accept it.  He then says that he hit that button by accident.  Later he says that is probably a good idea that we have a video call before meeting so that we can see that we are who we say we are. Because, as he said: “I could show up and you are a man”.  Yep, he said that, and he has not been the first.

This is a total turn off for me.  If you are not sure about someone then don’t schedule a date.  Be upfront about your needs and wants.  I don’t do video calls.  I have no interest in that.  Date was canceled.  He then said that we should meet for coffee.  While I have no problem in meeting for coffee, or for nothing really, like meeting at the library or something like that, I don’t like how he handled this.  I am not interested anymore.

The Young and Not Classy.  This guy is eight years younger than me, but by the way he went on and on, you would think that he was 20 years younger.  Side note:  I look younger than him.  In the first few messages there was no mention of age.  Then he started with questions such as if I don’t mind that he is younger, have I dated younger men, what is the youngest men I ever dated, etc.  It just got annoying that he kept obsessing about the age difference. If age is not an issue, then don’t make it an issue. Bye baby!

The All about Sex.  This guy seemed funny and in the beginning we exchanged a few cute messages.  There were a couple of innuendos thrown in there, and I just played along. I am okay with that, and probably guilt of that.  But he kept going and seemed stuck on the sexual innuendo world.  I tried guiding the messages to other areas but he was one track mind.  I got off that track before I got run over.  

“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

The Bad Interviewer.  He talks/write a lot, but it is not really a conversation.  It is being bombarded with questions that are meaningless to me.  What is your favorite color?  If you could be a pet which would you be?  What is your favorite food? What is your favorite season? Have you ever broken a bone? What is your favorite day of the week?  Day or night? And the list of inane questions goes on and on.  Finally I just sent one question back: “Date or no date?”.  He didn’t get it.  He never will.

Don’t be turned off to online dating after reading this.  There are some good guys also.  Not that those above are not good people.  They are just not good for me. 

There will always be miscommunications, misunderstandings, assumptions, expectations and the such.  Some people are just difficult.  I am difficult.

I believe in online dating.  I am grateful for the opportunity of meeting people that I wouldn’t normally have a chance to meet in my day to day life.  I still see joy in it, even though some times the water there is so murky one cannot see anything, let alone joy.

“Time provides all of us with the opportunity to change, alter our belief system, and create new perspectives that challenge a person’s character and teach him or her how to become a happier and wiser person.” ― Kilroy J. Oldster, Dead Toad Scrolls

 

Online dating: rejection reasons

10 Sunday Oct 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“The person who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The person who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever seen before.” ― Albert Einstein

I have a love-hate relationship with online dating.  I love the idea of being proactive and  not sitting around waiting for someone to knock on my door.  I love meeting people that I wouldn’t normally meet on my day to day life.

I dislike a lot about it.  I hate all the catfish and fake profiles. I hate the people that are not serious about meeting someone.  I hate the time and energy that I need to put into it to come away with one or two good dates.

At the moment, I am only on OKCupid.  It is by far the dating site I like the least.  I have been on E-harmony, Plenty of Fish and Match prior to OKC.   I am normally able to find interesting people to meet, but so far here it has been slim pickings.

Perhaps I shouldn’t blame only the site. I can blame Covid.  I need to take some of the blame also.  I go through phases.  Phases of putting more energy into it, and phases of not having patience for it.  Lately, I lack time, energy and patience.

“You walk like others? You talk like others? You think like others? Then the world doesn’t need you because others are already abundant in the world! Be original!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan

Here are some of the reasons why I chose not to meet someone after we matched online and started exchanging messages:

  • All he did was badmouth his ex-wife.  I didn’t ask or invited the topic, but he kept finding reasons to mention her.  I don’t appreciate that.
  • HIs finances are a disaster.  He volunteered that he has tons of credit card bills and lost his home due to overspending.   I appreciated the honesty, but don’t want to embark on that sinking ship.
  • He lived too far and expected me to drive to him to meet for the first time.  He said we could meet by a coffee shop near the highway.  How was that supposed to be enticing to me, I will never know.
  • He never called me by name.  It was always honey, sweetie, babes, etc, in a way that felt condescending. It just rubbed me the wrong way.
  • He was a show off and thought he knew it all.  I couldn’t get a word in.  It was all about his exotic vacations, expensive cars and artwork. It was all very unattractive to me.
  • He couldn’t make conversation or form a sentence.  In texting it was only abbreviations and slangs. There was never any real conversation.
  • He was too young.  Even though he seemed like a great person, more than 20 years difference is just too young.  Tempting, very tempting.
  • He lied about being older.  After sharing phone numbers and scheduling a date, I found out that he was over 70 years old.  On his profile it said he was 62.  I didn’t appreciate only finding that out because I asked. What else was he not telling me?
  • He was too slow to respond.  He said he was very busy, only sending a message on the app every other week. I am very busy, but if someone interests me, I make the time.
  • He wanted to speak on the phone and text forever, always being too busy to meet. I don’t want nightly phone calls with somebody I never met and doesn’t have time to meet.
  • He had 5 kids by 3 different women.  It just felt too much for me.

“I finally know the difference between pleasing and loving, obeying and respecting. It has taken me so many years to be okay with being different, and with being this alive, this intense. (xxvi)” ― Eve Ensler, I Am an Emotional Creature

Here are some of the reasons why they chose not to meet me or continue exchanging messages:

  • I didn’t want to give him my phone number right away.  I like to know something about the person before speaking on the phone or texting.  His initial message was: Hi, what is your number?
  • I mentioned I don’t pay or split the check on a date, specially the first date.  He said that I am not a modern woman.
  • I was not willing to have a first date at his house. He said I was uptight and not fun.
  • I didn’t want to talk on the phone every night.  He felt I was not interested in him enough.
  • I was too much of an adventurist.  I said in my profile that I was adventurous.  What is adventurist anyway?
  • I was not interested in his attempts at sexting. He said he was looking for someone more fun.
  • I was vaccinated. The moment he found out I was vaccinated all he did was talk about Eugenics and depopulation agenda.

“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” ― Margaret Mead

Am I too picky, or perhaps just overqualified for the job of girlfriend?  I am happy as is, and that makes it difficult to add a person to that situation.

It is a matter of what feels good to me and my heart.  Who makes my heart sing, who makes me feel comfortable and at home.  Who makes me feel special.  Perhaps I am antiquated in my dating views, but I am sure there is an antiquated guy out there for me.

Someone pointed out to me at this rate I am going to end up alone.  I joked: “That is not a problem.  I love my own company”.  Well, I do!

And on that note, I am leaving now for a brunch date.  Will report late.

“Journey to the Heart of Beauty; do not be obsessed with mental and egoic ideas of form and perfection. Get your hands and feet dirty, dance in the rain, and rejoice in the Life that is Living Itself through the Uniqueness of You!” ― Laurence Galian, The Sun At Midnight: The Revealed Mysteries Of The Ahlul Bayt Sufis

 

 

 

Don’t just…, excel at it!

28 Sunday Jun 2020

Posted by in Daily Life

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This week zoomed by.  It was a blur.  Phase III started on Tuesday in New Rochelle.  Restaurants are now open for indoor seating at 50% capacity. Some restaurants put tables on the sidewalk and I love that.

On Sunday I had my first meal at a restaurant.  My sister and I were spending the day with a friend.  We went to Chat 19 in Larchmont because they have outdoor seating.

We had a great time, and great food.  After that we went to the Larchmont Manor Park, shown on the picture above. It was a beautiful day.  It felt freeing.

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.”― Thich Nhat Hanh

****

Last night, Friday I met a friend/business acquaintance for an afternoon drink/early dinner.  I showed her my neighborhood and we chose to sit outside at a Colombian Restaurant.  My sister met us there after she finished work.

We had passionfruit mojitos and empanadas and skirt steak, among other things.  All delicious.  We were sitting there talking and people watching for over 4 hours.  I also learned a lot about her life here and back in Australia where she is originally from.  I knew very little of her up to last night.  It is wonderful to understand the reasons why someone does what they do, or live the way they live.

“Is it possible, in the final analysis, for one human being to achieve perfect understanding of another?
We can invest enormous time and energy in serious efforts to know another person, but in the end, how close can we come to that person’s essence? We convince ourselves that we know the other person well, but do we really know anything important about anyone?”― Haruki Murakami

Tonight I will have my first date from Match.com.  I just realized that he is only 39 years old, and I am not.  I have thought about canceling but I don’t think there is any harm in meeting him and making a new friend.

He seems so nice and thoughtful.  He is driving over 1 hours from NJ to come to my neighborhood to take me to dinner.  He chose a nice restaurant with a back patio that looks great.  

I will go with an open mind, and don’t let the age influence me.

UPDATE: Right as I was about to post this I received a text from my date saying he had to postpone it for next week.  He said had to stay near his laptop because of some work crisis. He also added: “The only other option would be for you to come here”

I don’t know if this is true or not, or if he is just being lazy trying to have me drive to him instead of him driving to me. Whatever it is, it just feels lame to me.  I will definitely not be going to him.  My gut tells me that a date next week doesn’t seem likely.

“Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of ‘not knowing.”― Mark Z. Danielewski,

So it seems life is getting back to normal, or I should say new normal.  Will the new normal be better than the old normal?

As I wrote that I paused to reflect.  Do I want everything to go back to normal?  Yes and no!  I guess this is the perfect time for me to reflect on the changes that I want to make and keep in my life.  What I want my new normal to look like?  For starters I want to have a better work-life balance. 

What a wasted opportunity life would be if we as a humanity didn’t learn anything in the last 4 months? Time to reflect in our own lives and see where we can improve to benefit ourselves and our neighbors.

“Don’t Just

Don’t just learn, experience.
Don’t just read, absorb.
Don’t just change, transform.
Don’t just relate, advocate.
Don’t just promise, prove.
Don’t just criticize, encourage.
Don’t just think, ponder.
Don’t just take, give.
Don’t just see, feel.
Don’t just dream, do.
Don’t just hear, listen.
Don’t just talk, act.
Don’t just tell, show.
Don’t just exist, live.”
― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

Updates, and trying Match.com

01 Thursday Sep 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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Test’s result: It is negative! The biopsy results are in and there is nothing to worry about.  The minor surgery is healing well.  I won’t have to see this doctor for another year.   All in all I am glad my doctor referred me to this specialist.  He was great!  Easy to talk to, explains everything in detail,  really made me feel at ease, even thought he was teaching yet another medical student.  The silver lining:  In the process of doing the biopsy he corrected and cleaned up my cervix.  He said: “ You can now resume normal activities”  …and resume I shall (as soon as I find the one I am willing to have activities with  🙂 )

New Tenant: Again I have an older lady as a tenant. She is very nice. As faith would have the day before my tenant is set to move in there is a leak from the apartment upstairs and part of the bedroom ceiling falls off. The silver lining is that there was no furniture so nothing other then the ceiling was damaged.  Now on to fixing it and trying to collect from the lady upstairs.  Being a landlord is not easy.

Olympics: I already miss the Olympics.  I am happy that all in all the Olympics worked out. In the beginning I feared it wasn’t even going to happen so I am glad that one way or another Brazil pulled it through.  Relieved is a better word! I love the world coming together is a competitive and fun atmosphere. I love the triumph of the spirit, the giving their all to something.

US Open: It is US Open time again.  Every year I go to the Opening Night Ceremony.  I loved how they showcased the new roof at the Arthur Ashe Stadium.  Apparently everyone was on to what was going to happen, except me.

My Doc friend went with me.  I was going on and on about the roof being closed on such a beautiful night.   And then as Phil Collins started singing “In the Air Tonight” the roof started opening up.  I was in awe like a child looking up, both marveled and surprised.

Visitors from Brazil: My brother, his girlfriend, her brother and his wife, and a cousin are coming  to NY  on September 9th to stay  for 2 weeks.  Only my brother and his girlfriend will stay at my apartment, but they will all go together on all the outings.  I will take a few days off to take them around.  It should be fun playing the tour guide.

Match. com:  I am still on POF, but decided to also try Match.  So far I have met in person 2 guys.  They were really great, but there was not really any chemistry.  I am seriously thinking that, even though, I am on 2 sites looking for a partner, I don’t really want anyone.  Am I too demanding? Is that masking a secret fear of getting hurt again?  Am I not willing to share my space, time and energy?  Or perhaps it is just not the right time.

The first guy I met was a widower of just one year.  I think he just spoke a little too much of his late wife.  I don’t think I want to compete with a dead wife. I don’t think that he is ready for dating, even though he said he had already dated someone for 3 months.

The second guy was younger than me by 5 years, handsome, great job.  I just think that he lacked a little motivation. He said he would never travel alone or do anything alone.  I do everything alone. I feel like he is waiting for a woman to come and rescue him and tell him what to do.  Even though I am bossy, I am tired of it.  I don’t want to rescue anyone.  I want to be rescued for once.

The truth is I didn’t feel like kissing any of them.  It may seem superficial but chemistry it is a big deal to me.  It has to flow.  It is not about looks, it is about how someone moves me and makes me feel.

If the chemistry is there, then we can see about the rest.

At this point in my life I don’t feel like wasting time and energy and hope on someone that I feel I will have to force and make a relationship fit.  I believe that when the person, time and energy is right it will just naturally work.

“Let nature take its course. By letting each thing act in accordance with its own nature, everything that needs to be done gets done.” ~” Lao Tzu