Paul McCartney has said that he wrote this song after waking up from a dream where his mother came to him and spoke reassuring words. At the time he was going through a period of anxiety and paranoia. Her words lifted him up from that dark place and brought him peace.
This is a song of letting go of burdens and doubts and embracing positivity.
It is a reminder to me, not to carry anything negative. It is a good time to stop and shake things up that are holding us down and back.
Let it go and Let it be!
Let it Be – Paul McCartney
When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me Speaking words of wisdom, let it be And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree There will be an answer, let it be For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be Whisper words of wisdom, let it be, be
And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me Shinin’ until tomorrow, let it be I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
And let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”― Rumi
The Saturday night dinner never happened.
Why? Your guess is as good as mine.
He never called or texted. On Friday night I sent him a text. He never replied. Not an excuse or explanation. Nothing. Just silence.
I cannot say I am shocked. When it comes to dating nothing shocks me anymore.
I am baffled and perplexed. I am also curious. And sad, happy and grateful.
Why would he ask me out if he had no intention of following through with it. He went on and on about taking me to dinner Saturday night. Why?
Why ignore my text? Why not reply something like: I am busy or I have to work, or I changed my mind, anything…
What should I learn from this? According to Rumi everything is a lesson and everyone is a teacher. What is the lesson here? Perhaps in this case there was no lesson, there was only a grapefruit martini that was divine and I hope to have it again.
“This being human is a guest house. Every morning is a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor…Welcome and entertain them all. Treat each guest honorably. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”― Rumi
If he changed his mind, which I have been often guilty of, why not say so? Why act like an immature person and hide? I have zero respect for ghosts. This is ghosting, right? This disappearing act.
I am sad that people behave in such way when there is absolutely no reason for it. On the first date we talked about being respectful and preserving other’s feelings. We talked about honesty and integrity. All talk I guess.
I am happy that I no longer need to know the reasons behind people’s actions. I just accept and move on. He acted like a jerk. End of story.
“Be like the sun for grace and mercy. Be like the night to cover others’ faults. Be like running water for generosity. Be like death for rage and anger. Be like the Earth for modesty. Appear as you are. Be as you appear.” ― Rumi
I am grateful! Grateful that he showed me who he is right away. No energy was wasted.
Any time something like this happens I always think that is the work of my always alert guardian angels. This person was not for me, not even as a friend and my very efficient angels quickly removed him from my life. How much more blessed can a person be?
No harm done. There will always be jerks and I can’t always spot them. Still, I am not discouraged. I am still going to get excited about dates and potential dates.
And on that note, A.-The Renter and I are back on track. I had ignored his last text because I was not happy with his lack of communication. On Saturday, about the time I would have been on that date that didn’t happened, he called.
He again explained how busy he is because of the promotion. I don’t think he will ever be the communicator I want but at this point I am still excited about the potential. I want to meet face to face before I make any decision. We are making plans to meet in 3 weeks. I will say more when the time comes.
“Ignore those that make you fearful and sad, that degrade you back towards disease and death.”― Rumi
“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” – Dalai Lama XIV
Sometimes I am not me. Or perhaps I just don’t know who I am.
Sometimes I have negative thoughts and I admonish myself: You are so positive, that is not you!
Sometimes I am angry and I admonish myself: Anger is fruitless, that is not you!
Sometimes I am petty and I admonish myself: Be the bigger person, that is not you!
Sometimes I want to exact revenge and I admonish myself: Turn the other cheek, that is not you! Sometimes I catch myself being judgmental and I admonish myself: Who are you to judge? That is not you. Sometimes I am sad and admonish myself: Happiness is a choice, choose it always! Sometimes I make a mistake and I admonish myself: Pay more attention, that is not you!
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself. Where is the beautiful face that was there a second ago? At this moment I see the accumulation of years gone by.
Sometimes I step on the scale and the number that flashes back at me is not me. Why is an additional pound terrifying?
Who am I? Am I the face in the mirror? Am I the pounds on the scale? Am I the mistakes made? Am I sad, bad, vengeful, petty, judgmental?
Sometimes I am someone I don’t recognize. Sometimes I am someone I don’t like.
“if you want to live an authentic, meaningful life, you need to master the art of disappointing and upsetting others, hurting feelings, and living with the reality that some people just won’t like you. It may not be easy, but it’s essential if you want your life to reflect your deepest desires, values, and needs.” – Cheryl Richardson
My aim is to make peace with myself even though I didn’t even know that there was a war going on. It is one of those silent deadly disturbances, that at first is barely noticeable, then it just explodes. I don’t want an explosion. So I am choosing to embrace it all.
I am good but I can be bad. I can be sad, angry, fat, etc. I am allowed to be all those things. The moment I remove the power from all that I think I am not allowed to be, it no longer owns me. It no longer torments me! I don’t have to try to be perfect. I can just be. I can just be me!
I am everything. At the end of the day I am the mistakes and the lessons. I am what went right and what went wrong. I am the negative thoughts that highlight a worry. I am the angry child that needs understanding. I am the pettiness that needs attention. I am the vengeful being that is hurt. I am the extra pound, the sagging and the mistakes. I disappoint myself sometimes.
I am not what I used to be. I am not who I thought I should be. I allowing myself to be imperfect and to fail. I am forgiving myself.
Who am I?
I still don’t know but I am allowing myself the the space and the freedom to find out. I am still grateful, full of love to give and worthy of receiving love. Life is still an unbelievable trip!
Above all, I am blessed! ♥♥♥
“One of the basic rules of the universe is that nothing is perfect. Perfection simply doesn’t exist. Without imperfection, neither you nor I would exist” – Stephen Hawking
Who you are – Jessie J.
I stare at my reflection in the mirror Why am I doing this to myself? Losing my mind on a tiny error, I nearly left the real me on the shelf No, no, no, no
Don’t lose who you are, in the blur of the stars Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing, It’s okay not to be okay Sometimes it’s hard, to follow your heart Tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising, Just be true to who you are
Brushing my hair, do I look perfect? I forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah The more I try the less it’s working, yeah, ‘Cause everything inside me screams, no, no, no, no, yeah
Don’t lose who you are, in the blur of the stars Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing It’s okay not to be okay Sometimes it’s hard, to follow your heart But tears don’t mean you’re…
“Peace is letting it be. Letting life flow, letting emotions flow through you.” ― Kamal Ravikant
J. continues to text me every day but hasn’t mentioned going out again or why he hasn’t asked me out last weekend.
While I no longer think of him romantically I still think he is a good person and have continued replying to his texts.
It was hard to think that it was over before it began. We had seemed to be ideal for each other, we had a lot in common, such as:
We are both twins
We are both in the same job for over 18 years
We are both single with no kids
We are both very close and help our families
We are both Seinfeld fans, finding episodes to fit every daily situation
and the list goes on and on as every day we found a similarity
Also, his twin brother is married to a Brazilian lady, so it seemed perfect.
I remain curious about what happened, but not curious enough to ask… until last night…
Last night, Saturday, after we exchanged several texts throughout the day and evening, on the spur of the moment I wrote: “I can see you lost interest and doesn’t want to meet again. I am not sure what happened, I thought we had a connection. I don’t understand it but I respect it.”
It was a stupid thing to write but I am guessing I wanted to end it on my side and officially say to myself and to him it is done and I am okay. I guess I also wanted him to know that I was no longer expecting or wanting anything.
As soon as I hit send, I felt relieved. I felt as if a chapter had closed and I could move on. I didn’t care about his reply or even if he would reply. My phone buzzed 20 minutes later signaling an incoming message and I didn’t jump at it to read it.
“It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.” ― George Washington
When I eventually looked at it, it read: “I am sorry you feel that way. Perhaps we can try to plan something for this week? I haven’t lost interest in you.”
I didn’t even know what to reply to that. I just said: ” No that is okay, we can just be texting buddies”.
And I added the cartoon below: (I always added funny images to my texts to him. I thought this one would be fitting)
And I meant what I said, I am no longer interested, no matter what answer he had given me. I harbor no animosity but don’t feel like getting together again. His actions were not compatible with all he had told me on those first 2 dates.
Later on he wrote: “haha. Too boring for me. I want the real thing.”
“Actions defined a man; words were a fart in the wind.” ― Mario Puzo
I didn’t reply. He had the real thing and didn’t know what to do with it. I say thanks to my guardian angels as I know that any time something that seems good for me gets removed from my life it is because it wouldn’t be good for me in the long run. I don’t need to know the reasons, I just need to believe that all is as it is supposed to be.
Oh well, next!
“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.” ― Tupac Shakur
“Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.” Rabindranath Tagore
My ego interferes. It is loud, obnoxious and ever so present. My self-esteem takes a nose dive, and it is all about me. There are times of uncertainty, fragility, powerlessness. Still I know they are passing phases. They are just steps to get me through the next level. Through the darkness I dare to see a glimmer of light, a glimmer of hope.
Too many things to do, deadlines to meet, bills to pay, calls to return. I feel like a rubber band being pulled in so many directions. Always stretching never breaking (thanks heaven for that!) I alternate between the elation of being alive and the dread of another day.
When it seems to be all about me and my issues I try to look outward and onward. That helps me realize it is not all about me. There are a whole world out there, going on, with real issues. I just need to get out of myself sometimes. This view makes me realize how infinitely small my issues are. How they pale in comparison to others. So I accept them for what they are: minor setbacks.
The news around the world and here at home get more depressing each day. How do I dare to smile when all around is destruction? And still I do! That is when it is most important to smile, to rejoice and be grateful. When all is hard, when all is dark, when it seems this is a never ending dark tunnel I dare to smile and rejoice in the certainty of the light that will eventually come.
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” – Haruki Murakami
This is the best time to smile more, to hope more, to live more, to do more for others. Do different, be different! I cannot do a lot to a lot people so I am trying to do as much I can to as many people I can. That means giving more, being more charitable, but most often it may just mean not yelling at someone that did me wrong. Sometimes it means being quick to forgive and forget. Sometimes it is just listening without judgement. Sometimes it is just being present.
I joke with kids, pet dogs, offer to help people on the street. I make people smile, I play compliments, I say more thank yous. It is amazing all I get in return. I am still quick to react, but even quicker to say sorry.
It is not that I am being oblivious and dismissive of the tragedies and destruction around me. I am not being indifferent. I am just choosing to channel my disappointment and sadness into a positive, sharing, love spreading energy. I am not dwelling on all the bad and negative. Problems are unavoidable, but I am not giving it the power to control my emotions and my life, and most important, how I relate to others.
The point of life is to rise above all, to overcome obstacles, to learn from them and to dare to smile in the face of adversity. Dare to get up, to continue, to rebuild, to become even better. Dare to smile through tears. Dare to think of others first, and never forget about yourself. Dare to make your world better for you and others! Be daring!
“I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.” – Tagore
I have been writing a lot lately about problems but my life has been so much more. My next post in a few days will give you a glimpse of the fun I have been having, specially last weekend when I got to be 25 again. Stay tuned!
A quick hello/update before I get on my flight to Brazil tonight.
At work, things were under control until the auditors decided to start asking questions again. They have this uncanny ability to know exactly when I am going on vacation to send me away stressed. This has been a good exercise in setting priorities at work.
***
The doctor that I had dated (April 2nd post) started sending me flirty texts this week. Even though I wanted to discuss our relationship, or lack thereof, in person I went ahead and took that opportunity to establish that we are friends and that is it.
He seemed surprised (it is really hard to tell on text), but agreed. I was immediately happier for having things clarified. I don’t like murky waters. I like to know where I stand and want others to know where they stand with my. I am always striving for more clarity and less miscommunication.
***
On Saturday I went dancing with this young guy (36). I didn’t really consider it a date because of the age difference. I had a great time. I only didn’t care for how he wanted to turn a sweet kiss goodnight into endless kisses. I hate to have to say stop/no more than once.
Still he was a sweet guy and perhaps I will see him again.
***
My suitcases are packed all is missing are the bagels. I have to take at least a dozen bagels every time I go to Brazil.
I am trying not to pack: anxiety, control-freakiness, work issues, expectations, and assumptions.
I am trying to pack: patience, hope, believe that everything is the way it is supposed to be.
My mother’s illness, which the doctors are having a hard time deciphering, is making everything difficult. She has been getting extremely dizzy and tired. She is also more irritable, short of patience, with the smallest of things setting her off. It is a difficult and delicate situation.
Hopefully she will be able to return with me as she does every time I go there. I leaving it all in God’s hands. He knows best! I am just praying for guidance.
***
Wishing you all much light and blessings this weekend and the week ahead. May many doors open to what is right in your life!
“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” ― Steve Maraboli
Remember Ex? You don’t? Good! I barely do! Lol He texted me a week or so ago. The reality show Amazing Race was on and it had been filmed in Bangkok. That reminded him of a trip we took there in 2010.
He texted: I hope you are watching or recording Amazing Race. They are in Bangkok in all the places we have been and it reminded me of how wonderful that trip was thanks to you.
I texted back: I am recording it, too busy moving.
He texted back congratulations and some other pleasantries.
I replied: Thank you, Life is beautiful! I continue to be blessed!
And that was the end.
It was not until much later that I realized one thing: I had no feelings about getting a text from him, and consequently I had no feelings about him. I was completely indifferent to hearing from him. I was not happy or sad, it was just a text from somebody I knew.
I didn’t read and re-read the texts trying to find hints of something that one day was, trying to find hidden meanings of love.
I was not mad he texted. I was not mad he reminded me of that amazing trip. I was just completely unaffected by it.
I no longer have the longing sad feelings of a lost love. I no longer have anger over what he threw away. I am no longer annoyed and hurt that he acted like he had done nothing wrong.
I thought this day would never come. I thought I would always have some feeling towards him. It is so wonderful to realize that my heart is whole and it back to being my own.
This feels like some sort of graduation, a process completed, a rite of passage I am done with.
He is no longer a central character in the plot of my life. He is not even a supporting character. He is just a chapter in a book that now sits in the shelf of my life collecting dust.
I never realized how the absence of feelings could ever feel this amazing!
“Well, now If little by little you stop loving me I shall stop loving you Little by little If suddenly you forget me Do not look for me For I shall already have forgotten you
If you think it long and mad the wind of banners that passes through my life And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots Remember That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms And my roots will set off to seek another land” ― Pablo Neruda
“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.” ― Rick Warren
I made the Sticky Toffee Pudding Cake. It was a success since it looked and tasted like Sticky toffee Pudding cake is supposed to taste. It was gooey and delicious, but right after I ate it still felt it was not quite the taste I was looking for. It felt like something was missing. I felt empty and I felt nauseous.
Even when I was lying in bed before drifting off to sleep, I was feeling a bit troubled and disappointed in myself. I was disappointed that after having someone buy and send me the cake mix and then taking the time to make it and have it come out correctly I was still not happy with it. I was troubled that I was making a big deal out of a cake.
In the darkness and quiet of that moment it dawned on me that I will never find a sticky toffee pudding cake I will be completely satisfied and happy with. There will never be one as good as I remembered as I realize I have been searching for a feeling and not a taste! The taste of the cake was right but the feeling was not.
Sticky toffee pudding cake is a cake that I discovered one day while shopping with Ex. I remember eating it at a time I felt I was in paradise. I was happy, well I am always happy, but I felt I was living my long awaited fairy-tale. Sitting on the couch with Ex while eating the warm cake was to me the definition of comfort, happiness and security.
After that realization I cannot even look at the cake I made again, let alone eat it. I gave half to a friend and I will give the rest to my co-worker.
I am officially giving up my search for the perfect Sticky Toffee Pudding cake as I realized I will never find it. I have been searching for the wrong thing.
“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.” ― Lyndon B. Johnson
I am annoyed that all of sudden Ex pops in my mind uninvited. All of a sudden I have to deal with feelings that I thought were long gone. All of a sudden I miss him or this idea of him.
I realize that the past is bound to return every now and then. It doesn’t mean regression. It means I get to see how far I have come and how those memories don’t affect me as much as before. I am not attaching any special meaning to those few and far between memories. I miss him for that one second and I readily and happily move on.
I don’t want Ex or the life I had with him back. I still think it was a wonderful time and I am glad for having had that moment in my life. But like everything in life it had an expiration date.
Nothing lasts forever, good or bad, and for that I am grateful!
This cake episode helps me realize that more often than not I am not physically hungry, but emotionally hungry. I need to stop, or at least tone it down, my vision of food as happiness and comfort and see it more as fuel.
oh stupid me thinking that Sticky Toffee Pudding cake could ever be as good as chocolate and/or cake.
“My past has not defined me, destroyed me, deterred me, or defeated me; it has only strengthened me.” ― Steve Maraboli
“Evil draws its power from indecision and concern for what other people think.” ― Pope Benedict XVI
All of a sudden I am having trouble making decisions. This is a new thing for me. I always followed my heart (gut, instinct or whatever one calls that inner feeling that tells you exactly what to do) so decisions have always been easy and quick. And once a decision was made I never wavered or second guessed myself.
I thought age would make me even more secure of my actions, but I find it is just the opposite. My usual self-assured self is feeling unsure. I seem to be avoiding and postponing making decisions. My mind feels clouded and noisy. I find myself now in that precarious boat of self-doubt. Indecision, insecurity, fear, those are words that would never describe me, and yet at this moment it seems they do.
I never understood people that couldn’t make a decision. I thought they were either not listening to their heart or they heard it but were afraid to act. I felt sorry for them. I also got annoyed when they questioned my, sometimes crazy, decisions. How can they question what my heart is telling me? Poor souls!
“Having made the decision, do not revise it unless some new fact comes to your knowledge. Nothing is so exhausting as indecision, and nothing is so futile.” ― Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness
When I say I could always easily make a decision perhaps that is not the whole truth. I could always make the tough decisions, but easy ones always eluded me. It takes me forever to decide what to order in a restaurant and after I order I always think the the other person made a better choice. But when it came to big, hard, life changing decisions I just knew which way to go, what to do.
Now I find myself trying to listen to that inner voice and all I hear is the chatter of self doubt and confusion. Where is that knowing feeling? How do I get it back?
I realized that I started talking to people about my plans in the expectation that they are going to agree with me or, worst yet, tell me what I should do. Who am I becoming? Since when I need people to help me with decisions in my life?
At this moment I am struggling with 2 things. (Is this my attempt to try to get your opinion and approval? perhaps… 🙂 )
1. Should I take my Mom to Israel for her 80th birthday? I promised my mother a trip there years ago and I decided now is the time. Then it seems not to be the right time. I am not exactly waiting for peace in the Middle East, but now seems to be worst than ever. She is okay with going some place else, but Israel was always her dream. What if something happens? Am I being careless with her life?
2. Do I buy a 2 bedroom apartment or stay in my one bedroom? I don’t have space for guests (Mom comes twice a year and stays 1 month each time) or to do my mosaics, so a larger apartment would improve my life. But am I being too materialistic and greedy? What if something happens and I go into financial ruin?
“Fear stifles our thinking and actions. It creates indecisiveness that results in stagnation. I have known talented people who procrastinate indefinitely rather than risk failure. Lost opportunities cause erosion of confidence, and the downward spiral begins.” ― Charles F. Stanley
I have a feeling that this uncertainty is just another side effect of the break up. When I met Ex I jumped head first following my heart blindly. Then it all fell apart. Do I unconsciously blame my heart? How could it have been so wrong?
How do I get back to trusting my opinion and judgement? I don’t know but I am going to try. I will start by:
1. Coming to the understanding that my heart was not wrong. Ex was The One for 3 years, but not a lifetime. He had a part to play in my life and once he was done with teaching me and helping me progress to a next level he did me a favor by letting me go.
2. Stop looking for approval and guidance from everyone. I will only share my plans once I have already made a decision. Having too many different opinions is just confusing my mind.
3. Shut out the noise around so I can better hear my heart. Having more quiet time/meditative time. I need to make room and time for my heart. But also read more, write more, anything that gets my mind flowing and my heart’s voice out.
4. Last but not least I will pray more. I will be more grateful for all the guidance that I have received (did I ever thank my heart for all the years of good service and guidance?) but I will also ask for more. I don’t care how hard the road is, all I care is that I am on the right road.
The bottom line is that I know I am blessed and I will be okay no matter what. This uncertainty just means that I need to have more faith. This is a wake up call and I am wide awake now!
“When defeat comes, accept it as a signal that your plans are not sound, rebuild those plans, and set sail once more toward your coveted goal.” ― Napoleon Hill
There are really no words in the dictionary to describe how painful this loss is to me and my country. Something about futebol being like a religion to us. My green and yellow heart cries in despair and confusion. How did this happen?
I sat totally motionless and emotionless staring at the TV while Brazil totally fell apart right before my eyes. It was hard for a moment to know how to feel. How could this happen to us, the land of futebol? We were playing at home and we wanted to re-write the past. In 1950 the World Cup was played in Brazil and we lost the final to Uruguay. This is not the happy ending we were dreaming of. I vote for no more World Cups in Brazil 🙂
Truth is we didn’t have a winning team from the beginning. I knew it was going to be hard against Germany, but I hoped the passion and soul of the Brazilian people would carry the team through. Passion alone didn’t help!
So we lost, but not really a simple loss, this was record breaking embarrassing loss!
Well, we now have another four years to lick our wounds and come back with a better plan and a better team. There are lessons here for everyone from the players to the fans. I still don’t know what they are, but pain always brings growth.
I don’t want, by any means, to take any credit away from Germany. They played a great game and made Brazil look like a bunch of amateurs. I take my hat off to them. The German fans should be proud! (thinking of you Ute and Steffi, to name a couple German friends among readers and fellow bloggers)
To Brazil I give you my tears and the hope that the country will unite in sorrow and come out stronger and better for it! It was not just a game!
“But man is not made for defeat,” he said. “A man can be destroyed but not defeated. ” ― Ernest Hemingway
ps. thanks Heaven for humor! My sister just relayed to me all the jokes that are being told in Brazil about this incredible embarrassment – now I am crying because I am laughing so hard. There is hope when we can see the humor in it and move on. I guess if we must lose just make it memorable. And we sure did!! We broke a bunch of records. And at least the loss was not to Argentina! 🙂