Tag Archives: moving on

Happily dismissed

23 Wednesday Nov 2022

Posted by in Daily Life

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As I was deciding what to say if the attorney asked me on a 4th date, he kindly resolved things for me with this text:

I cannot pretend to feel something I don’t.  If a date is paying attention they will know exactly how I feel without my having to say a single word.  My body, my face, my actions and inactions betray my feelings from the get go.  I am very transparent.

Although I imagined he had realized that there was zero chemistry, I still thought perhaps he would ask me out again.  Some people are oblivious.  I am grateful he wrote, so I didn’t have to feel I was letting him down.  

It was fun being out with an old-fashioned gentleman.  I hope he finds a nice lady.  I am just a bit surprised that he texted and didn’t call.  I guess he is not that old-fashioned after all.

“Rushing into action, you fail.
Trying to grasp things, you lose them.
Forcing a project to completion,
you ruin what was almost ripe.

Therefore the Master takes action
by letting things take their course.
He remains as calm at the end
as at the beginning.
He has nothing,
thus has nothing to lose.
What he desires is non-desire;
what he learns is to unlearn.
He simply reminds people
of who they have always been.
He cares about nothing but the Tao.
Thus he can care for all things.”

― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

The pains of a broken heart and the possibilities of online dating

25 Sunday Sep 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” – Rumi

Disclaimer: I didn’t have a chance to edit again, so please pardon the typos etc. It is a case if I don’t publish now, I fear I will never publish it.  

Hbsuefred https://hbsuefred.com/ wrote me a comment that hit me in such a deep way that I decided to write my reply to her in the form of a post.  

This was her comment:

As a newly single older gal, I feel so blessed to be schooled by you and others in a similar position who share their experiences. So far, I think the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that it’s a lot of work which to me makes it seem not worth the effort. Of course, I met my idiot ex (he filed after 30 years of marriage) through a dating service.

The fact that he just took wife #4 whom I believe he met on a dating website confirms that probably the older men one meets that way are generally not keepers. Of course I’m a bit jaded after stumbling on new wifey’s name and fb page where she posted wedding pix of ceremony that looks like it took place pretty recently and on which she and all her friends extol his virtues. None of them knows the morose alcoholic as well as I do. In fact, they may not even know that about him, including her!

The kicker was that ceremony and holiday pix from end of last year were taken in my old living room! However, after taking another stroll down memory lane (the written through correspondence history of our demise) this time there were no tears as it made me realize how long I put up with his crap and how much better off I am now without him.

Thanks for letting me vent. I hope your audit is successfully completed soon and that you keep sharing your adventures in dating which may someday be successful as well. In the meantime, enjoy your upcoming break. Will it have another purpose of preparing you for the upcoming dreaded holidays?

Here is my reply in 2 parts: Heartbreak and Online Dating.  

Heartbreak:

You can vent here any time you want.  30 years is a real long time to share your life with someone, only to have that be taken it away from you.  It is cruel to have that life you knew disappear.  My heart aches for you.

This is the first time in a real long time that I was taken back to that very painful period of time in my life, over 10 years ago.  My relationship was only a fraction of time of yours. Mine lasted 3 years, but the pain was so deep that I thought I was going to die from a broken heart.  I can’t begin to imagine your pain.

When you mentioned seeing pictures of the new wife taken in your old living room, I recall how I felt coming across similar details. It was like I was being punched in the stomach.  It was a slap in the face to see how easily I had been replaced.  I feel your pain.  I feel the devastation. I feel the anger.

I felt alone, sad, and stuck in the past, while he so quick and seamlessly continued life with somebody new.  For a long time I wanted my life back, I wanted him back.  As if he was a such a great prize.  I was the prize, but he was too dumb to see it.

For some time I wanted to hear him say: “I am sorry I cheated on you and hurt you”.  As if he would ever possess any sense of guilt or would ever acknowledge any wrongdoing.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

I went through all the stages of grief.  The one that I got stuck on the longest was denial.  I kept lying to myself. First, that it was not happening. Second, that he would come back. Thankfully he never did, otherwise I would probably have taken him back, only to be cheated on over and over again.

I didn’t know how to imagine my life without him.  I became blind and powerless.  It was as if he was the last man in the world.  How wrong I was.  Looking back I shudder to realize how long I allowed myself to feel like a victim and how much time I wasted wallowing in pity.

One of the best things I did was to stop looking at social media and googling him and the new girlfriend.  Every time I searched for him and her, I was being sucked back into the pain and anger.  It was hard not to give into the curiosity, but I felt more powerful every time I had the urge to look him up and I didn’t.  That power kept getting stronger to the point that the urge is no longer there.  He is past, and I have left him there.

A morose alcoholic?  Who needs that anyway?  I can only imagine what you have gone through all those 30 years.  How much of you you forgot and ignored to cater to him?

I am glad that you are able to see how much better off you are now.  It seems that you are well on your way to forgetting, forgiving and rebuilding.  We both received the gift of freedom, even though it didn’t feel like at the moment.  We were blessed that men  that didn’t belong, didn’t add anything, didn’t help us grow, were removed from our life.  We were too much into the relationship to see we needed to get out and do it on our own, instead we got a little push, well, a big shove really.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ― Rumi

It was the hardest thing I went through and it changed me… for the better, and I am sure is the same with you.   I now accept all, the good and the bad, with grace.  Everything is either a wonderful experience or a lesson.  The lessons are necessary. Receive it, learn it, move on. Don’t miss the wonderful experience of the moment being sad about the past.

We loved. We learned lessons.  We are aware. We are fully alive. We now can explore.  We can do whatever we please, be the masters of our destiny.  We can do everything or nothing. We are open to possibilities.  

Yet, it is not all sunshine and butterflies now.  I have my moments.  I have the moments that my ego takes control. I have the moments that I become a victim all over again.  There are times I feel powerless, helpless, loveless.  I work real hard at not letting those moments suck me in.  I make sure those don’t last.  I immediately turn to gratitude. I start making a list of all the good that is in my life.  Focusing on the positive is my way out. Gratitude for all I so blessedly have is my go-to weapon.

The pain goes away… eventually.  It is a fight, everyday.  Enjoy all the new steps, big and small.  Celebrate yourself each and every day.  One thing I know for sure:  You will thrive!

“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” ― Rumi

Online Dating:

I know that online dating, and dating in general, seems like a lot work.  It is.  But to me it is worth the hassle. My attitude has changed a lot from when I first started doing online dating,10 years ago, to right now writing this. 

I believe I will find the One, but it is not longer the reason why I do it. My One may not even be on a dating site.  So, for now, my focus is on meeting new people,  enjoying the moment and being fully present with each person I meet.  

The one thing I would love for you to get from reading my blog is to be open to possibilities.  All of them.  Give dating, online and otherwise, a chance. Give people, love, life, fun, a chance.

I fear that, sometimes, with my dating stories written here, I am discouraging people from giving online dating a chance.  It is a pain, there are fakes, jerks, losers, clueless, there are all kinds. I believe that there are some amazing people out there also.  I am a good person, and I can’t be the only good person doing online dating, could I? I believe good attracts good. Good energy and good heart will attract good energy and good heart.

I enjoy meeting new people, learning about their background, interests, etc.  I have accepted dates before to just get out of the house, and those normally end up frustrating.  So I now only go on a date if I see potential for fun, friendship or more.

10 years is a long time to be online dating and still be alone, some have pointed out to me in the past.  I never expected to still be alone, but I don’t blame the dating sites.  I am still single not because I haven’t found a good man.  I have found many good men.    I just haven’t found the one that makes me want to let go of being single.

The older I get the harder it will be for me to part ways with my singlehood.  The older I get the more I realize what a wonderful life I have.  It is hard to find someone to come in and add to it.  That is the key.  I am looking for some to add to my life.  To add joy, beauty, wonder, possibilities, not to add dramas, insecurities, headaches, etc. I don’t want dead weight.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ― Rumi

I am also well aware that, perhaps, I will forever fear giving my whole self to someone again; and that is something that I continuously work on. I strive to be open, trusting and non-judgmental.

I don’t see being alone at this point in time a failure.  I see being happy and grateful as a success, and that I am.  Online success to me doesn’t mean coming away with a boyfriend.  Success online to me is now measured in small bites.  Dinner with a great person is a success in my book.  Being introduced to new experiences, new interests, new ideas, is always a success to me. 

I do get tired of online dating at times.  Life gets too busy, I encounter too many jerks in a row, I become disillusioned, and I take a break.  Then, when I feel like, I go back to it.  To me online dating is a wonderful choice to have and I am grateful for it.

If you ever decide to give it a try please be careful.  I have written some posts about it:https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2016/10/27/how-to-spot-a-fake-dating-profile/ and https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2018/01/26/not-just-surviving-but-thriving-while-online-dating/

Please come back and vent here any time. Pardon my liberty of certain assumptions. Pardon my preachiness! Sending love, hugs and blessings to you!

“Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.”
― Rumi

Let It Be

15 Wednesday Dec 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message

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Paul McCartney has said that he wrote this song after waking up from a dream where his mother came to him and spoke reassuring words.  At the time he was going  through a period of anxiety and paranoia.  Her words lifted him up from that dark place and brought him peace.
 
This is a song of letting go of burdens and doubts and embracing positivity.
 
It is a reminder to me, not to carry anything negative.  It is a good time to stop and shake things up that are holding us down and back. 
 
Let it go and Let it be!
 
Let it Be – Paul McCartney
 
When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be, be
And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me
Shinin’ until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
And let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Second Date? What second date?

13 Tuesday Oct 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”― Rumi

The Saturday night dinner never happened.

Why?
Your guess is as good as mine.

He never called or texted. On Friday night I sent him a text. He never replied. Not an excuse or explanation. Nothing. Just silence.

I cannot say I am shocked. When it comes to dating nothing shocks me anymore.

I am baffled and perplexed. I am also curious. And sad, happy and grateful.

Why would he ask me out if he had no intention of following through with it. He went on and on about taking me to dinner Saturday night. Why?

Why ignore my text? Why not reply something like: I am busy or I have to work, or I changed my mind, anything…

What should I learn from this? According to Rumi everything is a lesson and everyone is a teacher. What is the lesson here? Perhaps in this case there was no lesson, there was only a grapefruit martini that was divine and I hope to have it again.

“This being human is a guest house. Every morning is a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor…Welcome and entertain them all. Treat each guest honorably. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”― Rumi

If he changed his mind, which I have been often guilty of, why not say so? Why act like an immature person and hide? I have zero respect for ghosts. This is ghosting, right? This disappearing act.

I am sad that people behave in such way when there is absolutely no reason for it. On the first date we talked about being respectful and preserving other’s feelings. We talked about honesty and integrity.  All talk I guess.

I am happy that I no longer need to know the reasons behind people’s actions. I just accept and move on. He acted like a jerk. End of story.

“Be like the sun for grace and mercy. Be like the night to cover others’ faults. Be like running water for generosity. Be like death for rage and anger. Be like the Earth for modesty. Appear as you are. Be as you appear.” ― Rumi

I am grateful! Grateful that he showed me who he is right away. No energy was wasted.

Any time something like this happens I always think that is the work of my always alert guardian angels. This person was not for me, not even as a friend and my very efficient angels quickly removed him from my life. How much more blessed can a person be?

No harm done. There will always be jerks and I can’t always spot them.  Still, I am not discouraged.  I am still going to get excited about dates and potential dates.

And on that note, A.-The Renter and I are back on track. I had ignored his last text because I was not happy with his lack of communication. On Saturday, about the time I would have been on that date that didn’t happened, he called.

He again explained how busy he is because of the promotion. I don’t think he will ever be the communicator I want but at this point I am still excited about the potential. I want to meet face to face before I make any decision. We are making plans to meet in 3 weeks. I will say more when the time comes.

“Ignore those that make you fearful and sad, that degrade you back towards disease and death.”― Rumi

Who am I?

16 Thursday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” – Dalai Lama XIV

Sometimes I am not me.  Or perhaps I just don’t know who I am.

Sometimes I have negative thoughts and I admonish myself: You are so positive, that is not you!
Sometimes I am angry and I admonish myself: Anger is fruitless, that is not you!
Sometimes I am petty and I admonish myself: Be the bigger person, that is not you!
Sometimes I want to exact revenge and I admonish myself: Turn the other cheek, that is not you!                                                                                Sometimes I catch myself being judgmental and I admonish myself: Who are you to judge? That is not you.                                                                          Sometimes I am sad and admonish myself: Happiness is a choice, choose it always!                                                                                          Sometimes I make a mistake and I admonish myself:  Pay more attention, that is not you!

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself.  Where is the beautiful face that was there a second ago? At this moment I see the accumulation of years gone by.

Sometimes I step on the scale and the number that flashes back at me is not me.  Why is an additional pound terrifying?

Who am I? Am I the face in the mirror?  Am I the pounds on the scale?  Am I the mistakes made? Am I sad, bad, vengeful, petty, judgmental?

Sometimes I am someone I don’t recognize.  Sometimes I am someone I don’t like.

“if you want to live an authentic, meaningful life, you need to master the art of disappointing and upsetting others, hurting feelings, and living with the reality that some people just won’t like you. It may not be easy, but it’s essential if you want your life to reflect your deepest desires, values, and needs.” – Cheryl Richardson

My aim is to make peace with myself even though I didn’t even know that there was a war going on.  It is one of those silent deadly disturbances, that at first is barely noticeable, then it just explodes. I don’t want an explosion.  So I am choosing to embrace it all.

I am good but I can be bad. I can be sad, angry, fat, etc.  I am allowed to be all those things.  The moment I remove the power from all that I think I am not allowed to be,  it no longer owns me.  It no longer torments me! I don’t have to try to be perfect.  I can just be.  I can just be me!

I am everything.  At the end of the day I am the mistakes and the lessons.  I am what went right and what went wrong. I am the negative thoughts that highlight a worry.  I am the angry child that needs understanding.  I am the pettiness that needs attention.  I am the vengeful being that is hurt. I am the extra pound, the sagging and the mistakes. I disappoint myself sometimes.

I am not what I used to be.  I am not who I thought I should be.  I allowing myself to be imperfect and to fail.  I am forgiving myself.

Who am I?

I still don’t know but I am allowing myself the the space and the freedom to find out. I am still grateful, full of love to give and worthy of receiving love.  Life is still an unbelievable trip!

Above all, I am blessed! ♥♥♥

“One of the basic rules of the universe is that nothing is perfect. Perfection simply doesn’t exist.  Without imperfection, neither you nor I would exist” – Stephen Hawking

 

Who you are – Jessie J.

I stare at my reflection in the mirror
Why am I doing this to myself?
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf
No, no, no, no
Don’t lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It’s okay not to be okay
Sometimes it’s hard, to follow your heart
Tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
Just be true to who you are
Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah
The more I try the less it’s working, yeah,
‘Cause everything inside me screams, no, no, no, no, yeah
Don’t lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It’s okay not to be okay
Sometimes it’s hard, to follow your heart
But tears don’t mean you’re…

Ask and you shall receive… a lame reply

30 Sunday Jun 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“Peace is letting it be. Letting life flow, letting emotions flow through you.” ― Kamal Ravikant

J. continues to text me every day but hasn’t mentioned going out again or why he hasn’t asked me out last weekend.

While I no longer think of him romantically I still think he is a good person and have continued replying to his texts.

It was hard to think that it was over before it began.  We had seemed to be ideal for each other, we had a lot in common, such as:

  • We are both twins
  • We are both in the same job for over 18 years
  • We are both single with no kids
  • We are both very close and help our families
  • We are both Seinfeld fans, finding episodes to fit every daily situation
  • and the list goes on and on as every day we found a similarity

Also, his twin brother is married to a Brazilian lady, so it seemed perfect.

I remain curious about what happened, but not curious enough to ask… until last night…

Last night, Saturday, after we exchanged several texts throughout the day and evening, on the spur of the moment I wrote:                                                           “I can see you lost interest and doesn’t want to meet again. I am not sure what happened, I thought we had a connection. I don’t understand it but I respect it.”

It was a stupid thing to write but I am guessing I wanted to end it on my side and officially say to myself and to him it is done and I am okay.  I guess I also wanted him to know that I was no longer expecting or wanting anything.

As soon as I hit send, I felt relieved.  I felt as if a chapter had closed and I could move on.    I didn’t care about his reply or even if he would reply.  My phone buzzed 20 minutes later signaling an incoming message and I didn’t jump at it to read it.

“It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.” ― George Washington

When I eventually looked at it, it read:
“I am sorry you feel that way. Perhaps we can try to plan something for this week? I haven’t lost interest in you.”

I didn’t even know what to reply to that. I just said: ” No that is okay, we can just be texting buddies”.

And I added the cartoon below:  (I always added funny images to my texts to him.  I thought this one would be fitting)

And I meant what I said, I am no longer interested, no matter what answer he had given me.  I harbor no animosity but don’t feel like getting together again.  His actions were not compatible with all he had told me on those first 2 dates.

Later on he wrote:                                                                                                   “haha. Too boring for me.  I want the real thing.”

“Actions defined a man; words were a fart in the wind.” ― Mario Puzo

I didn’t reply.  He had the real thing and didn’t know what to do with it.  I say thanks to my guardian angels as I know that any time something that seems good for me gets removed from my life it is because it wouldn’t be good for me in the long run.  I don’t need to know the reasons, I just need to believe that all is as it is supposed to be.

Oh well, next!

“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.” ― Tupac Shakur

 

It is not all about me, and it is not all bad in the world

13 Wednesday Jul 2016

Posted by in Daily Life

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sunflower

“Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them.  Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.”  Rabindranath Tagore

My ego interferes. It is loud, obnoxious and ever so present. My self-esteem takes a nose dive, and it is all about me. There are times of uncertainty, fragility, powerlessness.  Still I know they are passing phases. They are just steps to get me through the next level.  Through the darkness I dare to see a glimmer of light, a glimmer of hope.

Too many things to do, deadlines to meet, bills to pay, calls to return. I feel like a rubber band being pulled in so many directions. Always stretching never breaking (thanks heaven for that!) I alternate between the elation of being alive and the dread of another day.

When it seems to be all about me and my issues I try to look outward and onward. That helps me realize it is not all about me. There are a whole world out there, going on, with real issues.  I just need to get out of myself sometimes.  This view makes me realize how infinitely small my issues are.  How they pale in comparison to others.  So I accept them for what they are: minor setbacks.

The news around the world and here at home get more depressing each day. How do I dare to smile when all around is destruction? And still I do! That is when it is most important to smile, to rejoice and be grateful.  When all is hard, when all is dark, when it seems this is a never ending dark tunnel I dare to smile and rejoice in the certainty of the light that will eventually come.

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” – Haruki Murakami

This is the best time to smile more,  to hope more, to live more, to do more for others. Do different, be different! I cannot do a lot to a lot people so I am trying to do as much I can to as many people I can.   That means giving more, being more charitable, but most often it may just mean not yelling at someone that did me wrong. Sometimes it means being quick to forgive and forget. Sometimes it is just listening without judgement. Sometimes it is just being present.

I joke with kids, pet dogs, offer to help people on the street.  I make people smile, I play compliments, I say more thank yous.  It is amazing all I get in return.  I am still quick to react, but even quicker to say sorry.

It is not that I am being oblivious and dismissive of the tragedies and destruction around me.  I am not being indifferent.  I am just choosing to channel my disappointment and sadness into a positive, sharing, love spreading energy.  I am not dwelling on all the bad and negative. Problems are unavoidable, but I am not giving it the power to control my emotions and my life, and most important, how I relate to others.

The point of life is to rise above all, to overcome obstacles, to learn from them and to dare to smile in the face of adversity. Dare to get up, to continue, to rebuild, to become even better.  Dare to smile through tears.  Dare to think of others first, and never forget about yourself. Dare to make your world better for you and others! Be daring!

“I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.” – Tagore

I have been writing a lot lately about problems but my life has been so much more.  My next post in a few days will give you a glimpse of the fun I have been having, specially last weekend when I got to be 25 again.  Stay tuned!

With peaceful and hopeful thoughts I go home again

15 Friday Apr 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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A quick hello/update before I get on my flight to Brazil tonight.

At work, things were under control until the auditors decided to start asking questions again.  They have this uncanny ability to know exactly when I am going on vacation to send me away stressed.  This has been a good exercise in setting priorities at work.

***

The doctor that I had dated (April 2nd post) started sending me flirty texts this week. Even though I wanted to discuss our relationship, or lack thereof, in person I went ahead and took that opportunity to establish that we are friends and that is it.

He seemed surprised (it is really hard to tell on text), but agreed.  I was immediately happier for having things clarified.  I don’t like murky waters.  I like to know where I stand and want others to know where they stand with my.  I am always striving for more clarity and less miscommunication.

***

On Saturday I went dancing with this young guy (36).  I didn’t really consider it a date because of the age difference.  I had a great time.  I only didn’t care for how he wanted to turn a sweet kiss goodnight into endless kisses.  I hate to have to say stop/no more than once.

Still he was a sweet guy and perhaps I will see him again.

***
My suitcases are packed all is missing are the bagels.  I have to take at least a dozen bagels every time I go to Brazil.

I am trying not to pack: anxiety, control-freakiness, work issues, expectations, and assumptions.

I am trying to pack: patience, hope, believe that everything is the way it is supposed to be.

My mother’s illness, which the doctors are having a hard time deciphering, is making everything difficult.  She has been getting extremely dizzy and tired.  She is also more irritable, short of patience, with the smallest of things setting her off.  It is a difficult and delicate situation.

Hopefully she will be able to return with me as she does every time I go there.  I leaving it all in God’s hands.  He knows best! I am just praying for guidance.

***
Wishing you all much light and blessings this weekend and the week ahead.  May many doors open to what is right in your life!

The sweet taste of indifference!

27 Friday Mar 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 37 Comments

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“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” ― Steve Maraboli

Remember Ex? You don’t?  Good! I barely do! Lol  He texted me a week or so ago.  The reality show Amazing Race was on and it had been filmed in Bangkok.  That reminded him of a trip we took there in 2010.

He texted: I hope you are watching or recording Amazing Race.  They are in Bangkok in all the places we have been and it reminded me of how wonderful that trip was thanks to you.

I texted back: I am recording it, too busy moving.

He texted back congratulations and some other pleasantries.

I replied: Thank you, Life is beautiful! I continue to be blessed!

And that was the end.

It was not until much later that I realized one thing:  I had no feelings about getting a text from him, and consequently I had no feelings about him.  I was completely  indifferent to hearing from him. I was not happy or sad, it was just a text from somebody I knew.

I didn’t read and re-read the texts trying to find hints of something that one day was, trying to find hidden meanings of love.

I was not mad he texted.  I was not mad he reminded me of that amazing trip.  I was just completely unaffected by it.

I no longer have the longing sad feelings of a lost love.  I no longer have anger over what he threw away.  I am no longer annoyed and hurt that he acted like he had done nothing wrong.

I thought this day would never come.  I thought I would always have some feeling towards him.  It is so wonderful to realize that my heart is whole and it back to being my own.

This feels like some sort of graduation, a process completed, a rite of passage I am done with.

He is no longer a central character in the plot of my life.  He is not even a supporting character.  He is just a chapter in a book that now sits in the shelf of my life collecting dust.

I never realized how the absence of feelings could ever feel this amazing!

“Well, now
If little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you
Little by little
If suddenly you forget me
Do not look for me
For I shall already have forgotten you

If you think it long and mad the wind of banners that passes through my life
And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots
Remember
That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms
And my roots will set off to seek another land”
― Pablo Neruda

I am breaking up with a cake!

30 Sunday Nov 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me, Food

≈ 34 Comments

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Sticky Toffee Pudding Cake

“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.”
― Rick Warren

I made the Sticky Toffee Pudding Cake.  It was a success since it looked and tasted like Sticky toffee Pudding cake is supposed to taste.   It was gooey and delicious, but right after I ate it still felt it was not quite the taste I was looking for. It felt like something was missing. I felt empty and I felt nauseous.

Even when I was lying in bed before drifting off to sleep, I was feeling a bit troubled and disappointed in myself.  I was disappointed that after having someone buy and send me the cake mix and then taking the time to make it and have it come out correctly I was still not happy with it. I was troubled that I was making a big deal out of a cake.

In the darkness and quiet of that moment it dawned on me that I will never find a sticky toffee pudding cake I will be completely satisfied and happy with.  There will never be one as good as I remembered as I realize I have been searching for a feeling and not a taste!  The taste of the cake was right but the feeling was not.

Sticky toffee pudding cake is a cake that I discovered one day while shopping with Ex. I remember eating it at a time I felt I was in paradise. I was happy, well I am always happy, but I felt I was living my long awaited fairy-tale. Sitting on the couch with Ex while eating the warm cake was to me the definition of comfort, happiness and security.

After that realization I cannot even look at the cake I made again, let alone eat it.  I gave half to a friend and I will give the rest to my co-worker.

I am officially giving up my search for the perfect Sticky Toffee Pudding cake as I realized I will never find it.  I have been searching for the wrong thing.

“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.”
― Lyndon B. Johnson

I am annoyed that all of sudden Ex pops in my mind uninvited. All of a sudden I have to deal with feelings that I thought were long gone. All of a sudden I miss him or this idea of him.

I realize that the past is bound to return every now and then.  It doesn’t mean regression.  It means I get to see how far I have come and how those memories don’t affect me as much as before.  I am not attaching any special meaning to those few and far between memories.  I miss him for that one second and I readily and happily move on.

I don’t want Ex or the life I had with him back.  I still  think it was a wonderful time and I am glad for having had that moment in my life. But like everything in life it had an expiration date.

Nothing lasts forever, good or bad, and for that I am grateful!

This cake episode helps me realize that more often than not I am not physically hungry, but emotionally hungry.  I need to stop, or at least tone it down, my vision of food as happiness and comfort and see it more as fuel.

oh stupid me thinking that Sticky Toffee Pudding cake could ever be as good as chocolate and/or cake.

 “My past has not defined me, destroyed me, deterred me, or defeated me; it has only strengthened me.” ― Steve Maraboli