Tag Archives: broken heart

How Do I Love Mosaics? Let Me Count The Ways…

26 Wednesday Feb 2020

Posted by in Daily Life

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Brazilian Flag

First table“I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. He taught me that if you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it at full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good. Hot is no good either. White hot and passionate is the only thing to be.”― Roald Dahl, My Uncle Oswald

I have always loved mosaics.  I don’t know when or how this love started.  I just know that any time I see something made out of mosaics I am attracted to it.  I am hypnotized, mesmerized by it. I want to keep looking at it.

Ten years ago I bought a mosaic kit to make coasters and I used it to make the house number for the house I lived with the ex-boyfriend.  I Googled the address now and the number is still there hanging on the tree.  After that I made a couple of things here and there, pictures frames, and some other decorating items.

I want to to do more, to learn more.  There never seems to be the right time, or I don’t have the right tools, or the right place for me to work with mosaics. I thought about renting studio space to have a dedicated space to work, but balked at the idea of spending $800.00 or more per month.  It didn’t seem wise.

For 2020 I decided that I would pursue my passions in any way I could.  I count mosaic as one of my passions.  No more waiting for the right time or right circumstance.  The right moment is now.

“Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone”― Pablo Picasso

I went to Google as I have done in the past and searched for mosaic classes around me.  Funny thing is, this time a studio came up.   Even thought it has been there for 14 years it has never come up before, until now.

I went there and fell in love with the place and the owner.  I think that my affair with this studio will be a long one.  I picture myself doing mosaics non-stop, one project after another.  I am entertaining ideas of becoming a partner there in the future.  The owner has not been informed of my idea yet, but the Universe has.

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” ― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

I love the idea of getting different pieces together and creating a whole new object.  I love the idea of re-purposing broken items and creating things that are useful and/or pretty to look at.  I love that I can use any material.  I can use pebbles, wine corks, tiles, buttons, broken china, dollar store finds, anything.

The picture on the bottom is a table I did awhile back.    The picture at the top is a folding table I just finished.   I can see a lot imperfections on it but I decided to embrace them instead of redoing those areas. That is, after all, one of the reasons I love mosaics: the imperfections!

“Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.” ― Salvador Dali

We are all mosaics in a way. All imperfect and so perfect!  We are made up of parts from our parents and ancestors.  Then through lessons and experiences we are shaped. We have some parts that we think are good and some that we would love to change.

It is up to us how to better piece ourselves together.  The more imperfect, the more different, the older, the more uneven, the more colorful, the more battered by time and life,  the more used the better.  The best we can do is to accept it all.  

No matter how similar we are, even if we have an identical twin, such as in my case, we are all unique in some ways.  I don’t want to be cookie cutter anyway.

I love my mosaic qualities.  I love my shiny pieces (my victories).  I embrace my broken pieces (failures/lessons).  I accept the misshapen, the aged, the pieces that don’t quite go together.  I accept even though sometimes it is hard.  In the end it all fits and I shine.

“To banish imperfection is to destroy expression, to check exertion, to paralyze vitality.” ― John Ruskin, The Stones of Venice

No matter how broken we are or we become we can always be put together again, restored.  Not in the same exact way, but often in a better, more beautiful way.

I now think back to 7 years ago when I had my beautiful whole intact heart shattered into a million pieces. It was carelessly handled by somebody that didn’t use the same care I had with his heart.

My heart will never be the same again.  Like a diamond my heart has been cut and polished by the pain of heartache.  The pieces of my heart are melded together into a whole new stronger, less naive, heart. A heart better able to love.  A heart that understands pain is a heart that is better able to love.

I am older, wiser, fractured, lighter, ready, able, imperfect, and still so amazing.  I am choosing to embrace and accept it all.

oh yeah, and I love mosaics!

“For my part, I prefer my heart to be broken. It is so lovely, dawn-kaleidoscopic within the crack.” ― D.H. Lawrence

First table

 

Miss “have it all together” is a complete mess!

15 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

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… and today I fell apart …

Yesterday I was all high and mighty proclaiming to all that would listen (and read) that I was over Ex.

I had never felt more in control of my feelings and the situation. I was doing happy dances around  the apartment.

I felt so strong embracing life solo, hopeful and happy!  I have been living solo, but outings with AL made life seems less solo.

I felt powerful to be able to approach my relationship with AL in a levelheaded manner.  It felt amazing to be able to be friends with him and know that he feels exactly the same way.

And everything in my Universe felt absolutely right … until today…

I was feeling so strong that I decided to text Ex regarding an address of a mutual friend that is ill and I want to send a card.   I tried Google and I called this lady’s daughter for the address but since both attempts have been fruitless I decided that I was well enough to have a mature unemotional exchange with Ex.

There was not one specific word that set me off.  There was no reason for me to all of a sudden burst into tears in the middle of the work day and crave him so much!! Oh stupid fool, pull it together. So you thought he was the one, so you think that there will never be anyone like him, so what?  Move the heck on!!!!

It will be almost 2 years soon, shouldn’t it be over?   It has been several months since I had missed him and this freedom from wanting him was giving me such a high.

Life is indeed funny and unpredictable.   This teaches me that I should be more vigilant and make sure not to contact him for anything.

Some things we can never get over, we just have to manage it.  Perhaps I should deal with the reality that I will forever love him.  He is my drug that I cannot give into. I will be forever an Exholic!

I am sorry for letting down so many that thought that I had it all together. I tried, I am trying and tomorrow I am going to try again! I think what I owe everyone and, most importantly, myself is complete honesty! If I am following that then all else will eventually fall in place!

What I have all together is the fact that I want to be always 100% honest, even if I look foolish and flawed.

The best part is I am happy, happy, happy.  So I cried, big deal!  I am human and have feelings! Life is better with feeling than without them!!

Thank you heart for being so amazingly committed to someone! But please can you relax a little and give others a chance?

 

In looking back I move forward …

17 Tuesday Jul 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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This is my 100th post, and I wanted to make it special and full of happiness.  So I have been writing and writing, and my writing got out of control.  That post is now too long and still not finished; and I haven’t posted anything in one week.  So I decided to table all of that for now and just summarize the past few months and where I am right now.

(Well this is pretty long too, but trust me it is short compared to the one I didn’t post – lol)

October 2011. My then boyfriend turns 50 years old and everything changes. There are signs that he is not being honest about things. I will leave the details out for the sake of brevity. He doesn’t want to talk about it. I keep hoping that for the first time in my life my instincts are incorrect.

November 2011.  I confront him about a certain e-mail from a certain lady and he goes on silence and denial mode. When he decides to talk is to ask me to move out because he needs to be single to concentrate on his multiple businesses. Yeah, right!

December 2011.  We still go on vacation together because I am still trying to change his mind. At the same time I find and buy an apartment, the closing is scheduled for January.

January 2012.   I close on the apartment and move out. I still continue to see him and yes, unfortunately, be intimate with him.  I am still fooling myself into thinking that he is going to change his mind. It is amazing the lies we tell ourselves.

February 2012.  I am still crying every single day and the pain at times seems unbearable.  I count the hours til I am going to see him next.  He still will not come clean on the things that he is doing.  I continue to lie to myself.  He still says he loves me more than anything in life, but the timing is not right.

March 2012.  I start this blog.  I realize that calling my sister 10 times a day every single day needs to stop. She worries about my mental health. I don’t like worrying her.

April 2012.  He plans for both of our mother’s to be here at the same time.  For 2 weeks I move back in and we are a big happy family. ( yeah, you can roll your eyes, what was I thinking?) On the last day of the 2 weeks truth stares me in the face and I cannot pretend I don’t see it any longer (again to keep this brief will leave details out).  I realize right then and there that there will never be a “us” again. It is time for me to face my new reality. I say good bye to the house, to C the dog, knowing in my heart that I will never see either one ever again.

May and June 2012.  I am in love with my blog, it gives me strength.  Ex is still calling and texting and I am being polite and friendly and entertaining the idea that he and I can be good friends. I ask him to stop inviting me to dinner and trips.  I slowly realize that being friends with him at this point is not an option for me.

July 10th 2012.  He e-mails about a trip he had invited me previously and I had declined.  I decide that I need to stop this insanity.  Every time I hear from me the wound opens up again.  I have to cut all contact.  I have to stop leaving the door open. So I ask him to not contact me in any way, shape or form.  He replies that he is sad about that, but he will try to comply.

He didn’t try very hard…

July 13, 2012.  He texts to tell me that this lecturer and author of books regarding “Understanding Men”(I won’t name her because I just don’t know how I feel about her work)  has helped him understand what has gone on with us and asking if I want we can talk about it some time.

I get so angry when I read that.  Tears start rolling down my face.  This time the tears are physically painful, they feel heavy and hot, it feels like blood is running down my face.  I run to look at the mirror to make sure it is not.  Very weird, but very fitting I believe.   This pain is also different.

This pain is not over wanting him back, or over what I thought we had in the past.  This pain is over the fact that he doesn’t respect me. This pain is over the fact that he is still trying to manipulate me. This pain is over his game playing.  This pain is the acknowledgment that he has no idea of what love is.

After I spent the past 9 months begging (yes begging, it is amazing how low we can go when we think we are fighting for love) him to talk to me about what happened, asking him to give me a reason, he now wants to talk about it.

I am not sure what he is trying to do and I don’t care. Of course I didn’t reply and I will not reply to him ever again.  I don’t care anymore to know the reasons why he did what he did. There is not a single reason in the world that would make a difference at this point.   I am not even curious about what he learned.   It is probably just his ego making a last attempt to get to me and keep me close by, within in reach.

Leave me alone. Let me heal in peace. Let me glue the pieces together as best as I can. I am so at peace right now. At peace with not wanting contact. At peace with not replying.  At peace with being alone. At peace with life.  At peace with just being and living and breathing one second at a time.

I think I can safely say, no, not just say, scream at the top of my lungs, that I over him. Do I still love him? I guess in a way love never dies, it changes.  I think that once someone enters my heart they never leave.  I will never hate him. I don’t like the things he did, but still I wish him happiness and love.  I still pray for his well-being.  I can have him in my heart but I don’t have to have him in my life.

New Friend/New love.  I have made a long distance friend and we speak daily on the phone.  It is somewhat funny that someone that I have known for only a couple of months already means this much to me.  When I was describing our relationship to a friend yesterday I said: we are friends on steroids. It seems that just friends doesn’t fairly describe it but there is no other word.  And yet we never met and right at this moment I cannot tell you if we ever will.  This has been an exercise in much needed patience. If it were up to me, I would have met him yesterday. He wants to exercise caution and go slow.  So for now I am learning to enjoy the moment and the newness of what comes next without too much planning. It is exhilarating to realize that my heart is alive and ready to try again.

Past Life. So in the past several months I have lost a life that consisted of living in a big house with pool, tennis court, dog, and a bunch of other stuff that money can buy. I also lost companionship and what I thought was an everlasting love.

I never cared about material stuff, so the house, pool, tennis court, etc were all nice to have had but I haven’t spend a second missing it. The dog is another story.  I miss C on a daily basis, I see his face on other dogs.  Sometimes I hear his bark. I cry and pray for him.

Current Life. I love my new small apartment.  It is easy to maintain. I have water views and the location is great. I have a beach a can go to. I have a permit to use the town’s tennis courts and I enjoy and play with every dog I meet. Companionship will come, and for now a voice on the phone will do.  I am cherishing love in different ways, such as being kind to people and accepting their kindness. I am open to new things and new friends.

My Projects.

– Blog. I am so proud that I have started and kept it up with.

– Tennis. I am taking lessons and progressing beautifully according to my instructor. I love it, love it!

–Pilates. I am glad I am investing on my body.  It is money well spent! It is painful at times but I see muscles beginning to develop and I am falling in love with my body.

–French. I cannot afford lessons at this time, so I have bought the Pieumsler Method and have been learning on my own. I am not as disciplined with the lessons as I would like but still I can already ask someone if they want to have dinner or a drink with me. As a single girl this could come in handy if I meet a non-English speaking Frenchman. Hey, you never know!

–Mosaic. I have not been able to find a class in NY. Unbelievable, right? I found a workshop that has put me on a waiting list. I started one picture frame project and will soon show you the result.

–Skiing. I am now the happy member of a skiing club out of Washington, DC, and my first skiing trip is already scheduled.  I will be going to Snowmass, CO in February! I am so excited that I thinking I am going to go shopping for skiing boots.

–Volunteerism. I am ashamed to say that that has fallen to the waste-side. After encountering some red tape at the Hospital, the Friend of the Library not calling me back and the Tennis Association no needing anybody at this time, I became discouraged. But I am renewing my motivation to find someplace where I can help and hopefully soon will have news on this front.

***

Life is unbelievably great! I am so blessed to be single and free at this time! My time is my own to do as I please!

I am not even caring if I cry or not over Ex. There are no deadlines for the tears to stop flowing, let them flow if they come.  I know Ex will never be a part of my life again and I am finally at peace with that.

Still I must thank him for all he has done for me, good and bad. I was treated like a princess for a couple of years. He introduced me to things I now love: tennis, skiing and football.

I must thank him also for the pain. The pain allowed me to look inwards and grown. Were not for the pain, there would not be a blog.

I must also look in the mirror and acknowledge that I have had a part in the demise of the relationship.  I am not sure exactly what my part was, but I must stop and look at how I showed up for the relationship.  I am quick to point out what he did wrong, but I chose him. I kept making excuses and allowing the disrespect to continue.  There is a lot to be learned here, and hopefully as distance and time sets in I will  be able to see things clearly.

In this pain I pray more and get reacquainted with God.

So for now I thank YOU, the reader, for reading about my life, for giving me your opinion, for being a like in my page.  I thank you for your blog that at times has made cry, laugh.  You have sparked my curiosity and inspired me.

I am so grateful to God and the Universe for all that has come my way, good and bad.  I welcome all and try to learn all that I can.  I know that the bad will not last so I try to let it come and go as it may.  I know that the good never lasts either so I try to enjoy it the most that I can.  As life ebbs and flows I keep reinventing myself and falling more and more in love with me.  I love this 46 year old body that it is so amazing and able.  Last night looking in the mirror in the Zumba class I saw this hot Brazilian girl with a cute smile and sassy confidence staring back at me. I smiled back at her and made her a promise to never allow anyone to treat her less than the princess she deserves to be treated.

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(all images from google images)