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… and today I fell apart …

Yesterday I was all high and mighty proclaiming to all that would listen (and read) that I was over Ex.

I had never felt more in control of my feelings and the situation. I was doing happy dances around  the apartment.

I felt so strong embracing life solo, hopeful and happy!  I have been living solo, but outings with AL made life seems less solo.

I felt powerful to be able to approach my relationship with AL in a levelheaded manner.  It felt amazing to be able to be friends with him and know that he feels exactly the same way.

And everything in my Universe felt absolutely right … until today…

I was feeling so strong that I decided to text Ex regarding an address of a mutual friend that is ill and I want to send a card.   I tried Google and I called this lady’s daughter for the address but since both attempts have been fruitless I decided that I was well enough to have a mature unemotional exchange with Ex.

There was not one specific word that set me off.  There was no reason for me to all of a sudden burst into tears in the middle of the work day and crave him so much!! Oh stupid fool, pull it together. So you thought he was the one, so you think that there will never be anyone like him, so what?  Move the heck on!!!!

It will be almost 2 years soon, shouldn’t it be over?   It has been several months since I had missed him and this freedom from wanting him was giving me such a high.

Life is indeed funny and unpredictable.   This teaches me that I should be more vigilant and make sure not to contact him for anything.

Some things we can never get over, we just have to manage it.  Perhaps I should deal with the reality that I will forever love him.  He is my drug that I cannot give into. I will be forever an Exholic!

I am sorry for letting down so many that thought that I had it all together. I tried, I am trying and tomorrow I am going to try again! I think what I owe everyone and, most importantly, myself is complete honesty! If I am following that then all else will eventually fall in place!

What I have all together is the fact that I want to be always 100% honest, even if I look foolish and flawed.

The best part is I am happy, happy, happy.  So I cried, big deal!  I am human and have feelings! Life is better with feeling than without them!!

Thank you heart for being so amazingly committed to someone! But please can you relax a little and give others a chance?

 

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