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Blessed with a Star on the Forehead

~ As I navigate through this life …

Blessed with a Star on the Forehead

Tag Archives: god

A million thanks to you- my reader, my teacher, my therapist, my friend!

31 Wednesday Dec 2014

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life, Finding Me

≈ 37 Comments

Tags

blessings, challenges, god, Happy 2015! Happy New Year! mistakes, miracles, the Light, Universe

My Sky

I am feeling so blessed and so incredibly happy!  Life is indeed an adventure and I am so excited for every morning’s new breath and the chance to create the best day that I can.

I am thankful for the bursts of miracles throughout the day.  Miracles are everywhere if you just take a second to see them.  I am thankful for the many challenges I had in 2014.  I triumphed! As I am writing this I am facing 2 stressful situations, I am choosing to stare them in the face and say: bring it on!

On the rare instance I feel discouraged I think: With God, the Universe, the Light, my Guardian Angels, my mother’s prayers, etc, all on my side, what have I got to fear or worry about? At that moment I laugh to myself at the silliness of my worry.

I feel I have so much to say/to write but so short on time.  I just didn’t want 2014 to go by without expressing my gratitude to you.  I thank you for stopping by, for liking my posts, for commenting on them.  I thank you for agreeing with me and even more for disagreeing with me! You have provided me with feedback, insight, information, inspiration, advice and above all acceptance.

I thank you for the smiles, hugs and love! I am here to say that there is nothing virtual about them – they are felt!  They make me feel warm inside just like a cup of hot chocolate on a cold day. They make my heart sing a song of joy!

You make me want to be a better person! You keep me accountable!

I read this quote this morning and I think it will be perfect for me in 2015, so I am passing it along to you:

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.

So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.” ― Neil Gaiman

Wishing you all an amazing 2015!  May you realize that challenges are opportunities and that mistakes are necessary.  May you wake up every morning with a smile, even if you have to force it.  May you stare fear in the face and at the end of the day smile at the mirror realizing you are much stronger that you thought you were.

2015 is here, what are going to do with it? Life is short, moments are fleeting – live it up!

 

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SMILE! Just smile

21 Friday Dec 2012

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life

≈ 29 Comments

Tags

Angels, cry baby, Friends, god, hope, tragedy

(Written Dec 14, 2012)

I am such a cry baby today.
I am crying over everything!
I am crying for me, I am crying for the world!

I have been crying over not being called to volunteer this week. I wonder why…

I have been crying over my inability to let a day go by without having some thought related to Ex.

I have been crying for a friend over his pain over his mother’s sudden passing. We haven’t seen each other in years and just have an email relationship, but at this moment I wish I could just hold him tight and say that all will be okay.

I am crying over today’s senseless tragedy (Sandy Hook shooting) How can someone be so evil as to decide to take people’s lives? Not to mention children’s lives!

Why? Why is the biggest question. Could it be prevented? that is another often asked question.  I guess anything can be prevented.  Are we trying to find someone to blame, other than the shooter himself?  I think we are trying to make sense of something so senseless.   It is impossible to make sense of this senseless tragedy, so I am not even going to try.

Just now I hear from my friend/date AL  that his best friend, who is just barely 30 years old was rushed to the hospital with stomach pains.  After an emergency surgery he was told he has stomach and lung cancer and things don’t look.  He has 2 little boys, a 2 and 4 year old! What can I tell AL that will make him feel better about his friend’s situation.

I feel powerless and at a loss.  I don’t know the right words to use.   I want to tell all the victims, relatives, friends, all,  to be strong and positive!  But how dare I? There is no experience in my life that even comes close to losing a loved one.  I haven’t been in their shoes! It is very easy for me to be positive!

I offer what I can:  prayers and positives thoughts.  I dare and say, be positive!  I mention God and faith.   I offer to help, and I say I am here for them.

Just so much sadness just around Christmas time when our biggest worry should be what gift to buy to someone.

I am just wishing everyone a better tomorrow! I am just wishing everyone hope for a better tomorrow!

All happens for a reason, even tragedies and miseries – I have to believe that! What is the alternative? To believe in a Godless world?  No, not me! I am going to continue to say that life is beautiful and that God is merciful!

I am choosing to believe that everyone that lost their lives in this tragedies had accomplished their mission here.  Somebody may be gone from this world, their physical presence no longer here, but their memories, their spirits, will always shine inside and upon those fortunate enough to have known them.  I am picturing all the kids as happy smiling angels!

I just hope that we can all, at this moment, decide to care a little more about each other, about our neighbors, about strangers that we cross paths with every day. Let’s dare be intrusive and ask someone if they are okay when we sense something is wrong. Let’s not waste a single chance to offer our friendship, a kind word or just a smile.

Sometimes I think just a warm friendly smile at the right moment can prevent a tragedy. I am that naive! I smile at strangers in the train, on the street, anywhere and I normally get a smile back, sometimes a shy one, sometimes a big one, but a smile is a smile and I will take it any way I can get.

I think that Charles Chaplin said it best, here in the voice of Nat King Cole

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it’s breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky
you’ll get by.

If you smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through
For you.

Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying.
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile-
If you just smile.

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An open letter to my Friend … Letting go of pain and fear and embracing the moment!

27 Friday Jul 2012

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 215 Comments

Tags

breakups, embrace, fear, future, god, Life, love, past, prayer, relationships, Universe, writing

(this started as an e-mail to my friend after a long conversation last night.  

Dear Friend, this is to you, and to me, and to all in pain!)

I am really sorry for being hard on you sometimes and probably causing you pain with my harsh words.  But my words are only the frustration that I feel when I think that you are stuck on the hurts of the past. I wish I could just grab you by the shoulders and shake some sense into you.

I hope one day to come up with a magic word that will snap you out of the past and into the present. Until then I will keep trying with the weapons I have: brutal honesty peppered with humor all enveloped in love.

I wish I could just give you a hug and hold you for a long time and be held by you for a long time.  I want to be like that as day turns into night and then into day again. I just think that you need to be handled with love and care like I do. And I am not talking about sex (even though, that probably wouldn’t be so bad either), I am just talking human touch and connection.  Just that feeling of somebody being there for you – no words necessary!

I don’t know the extent of your hurt and your pains from the past, but I know that is holding you back from being in the present and looking to a future.  I don’t want to compare my pain with your pain.  We all hurt in different ways and different degrees.  We all deal with it in different ways.  I really have no business telling you what to do, how to react and how to feel.  But being a friend allows me no other choice.  I have to tell you how I feel.

.. and in writing this to you I realize I am also writing it to myself!

I really want you to understand that there is at least one person that cares about you: ME.  I don’t want anything from you.  I don’t want anything in return.

Well, actually I do.

I want you to be happy! I love the sound of your laughter! I long to hear it every day! That is why I make the most stupid jokes, all in an attempt to hear your laughter!

I want you to realize what a great person you are! You are not perfect! Nobody is! But among all your imperfections you shine! You have so many great things about yourself, such as honesty, generosity, compassion.  You have morals and lives by them! What I appreciate the most is the way that you present yourself to me: real, fallible, caring and sensitive.

I want you to make peace with the hurt in the past and leave the past in the past!

I want you to stop fearing your future! Live the now in full!  Be here completely now!

You are not your past and your past is not you! Right now you can decide who you want to be and what life and future you want.

Respect the pain! Don’t run away or try to bury your past: expose it, confront it, feel it, cry it, mourn it, forgive it, and then let it go! Stop dragging it around with you.  It is such a heavy baggage and it has no place in your present and future.

Forgive the people that hurt you in the past!  Only when you forgive them, you are able to leave them where they belong:  in the past.  Let them be just a page on your big book of life. You have no idea of the pain that they could be carrying themselves.  Whatever they did to you it was not because of you but because of their own pains and their inabilities of dealing with it and communicating their needs. Wish them well, pray for them.  I still pray for Ex and wish him only the best in life. The peace that I get whenever I send him good thoughts is priceless to me.  It frees me.  It pacifies my heart!

Forgive yourself! Even if you think that you caused yourself pain in the past or that somehow you did something to deserve it, realize that you are a flawed human being. You will make mistakes every now and then – making mistakes is part of our growing.  The key here is to acknowledge it, learn from it, forgive yourself and let it go!

Believe in God without any question! Believe that there is a reason for everything, even in the hurt.  If you believe that God is a loving and merciful God than what do you fear? What do you doubt?  Pray, meditate, talk to God, tell him your fears, place your fears in his hands and let it go!

Be grateful! Remember to thank God for the goodness he has blessed you with.  Remember to be thankful for everything you have in life. Be grateful for your health and the health of family members, for the job you have, for the house you live in and the car you drive.  Be grateful for the beautiful sunshine, and the benefits of the rain, for the food you just had and for the smile of a stranger!

Pain is necessary and unavoidable! The pain was necessary to get you to where you are today!  But it is your choice to wallow in self pity or gain strength from it and move on.  And don’t get me wrong, the future won’t be only love and joy, you will probably get hurt again, but that is called living!  If were not for the bad, the good wouldn’t have any flavor.

The best is yet to come. We both thought that our last relationships were amazing and the one that we were destined to be with, but guess what? Life has bigger and better things in store for us.  That was just an appetizer for the feast that lies ahead!

Am I just fooling myself?  Perhaps, but who really knows what the future holds? No one, but God (if you believe), so choose to live a life that is full of promise.  Concentrate on today and love and live the most that you can! Send to the Universe that idea the your future is so bright you will need sunglasses 24/7.

Hurt? Hurt is growing pains! Hurt is just the price that we have to pay for the ultimate happiness!

Stop looking for answers! Sometimes in life there are no answers.  People behave in the ways they behave and sometimes it makes no sense and there is no explanation.  Yes, they could have been honest and open and upfront about whatever was troubling them instead of blindsiding us with “we are over”.

See hardships as gifts! I totally believe that when people break up with us they are doing us a favor! Of course I wish the break up was different. Pain and hurt are there to makes us stronger.  It forces one to confront themselves and either fall apart or thrive!  It gives us a chance to rediscover ourselves and be the best that we can be!  There is an unique lesson here and we need/want to make sure not to miss it!

Enjoy life-don’t let fear hold you back! I want you to go out and dance and date! Try again, as many times as necessary! (yeah I must admit this was a real tough one for me to write.  There is nothing I dread more than you finding someone and my dreams of ever meeting you and perhaps being more than friends will have to come to an end.  But when you love someone you have to put their needs ahead of your wants.)

LIVE! LOVE! AS MUCH AS YOU CAN, WHENEVER YOU CAN! That is my dream and hope for you!

(Thank you Ex for making my pain so unbearable that I started writing a blog so I would not explode. Were not for that, I would not have gotten back to my love of writing.  Were not for that I would not  have met so many great people that genuinely care and graciously offer their love in the form of comments. Were not for that I would have not met my Friend – the one that I am sure was part of my life in a previous existence.  He walked straight into my heart!. My heart doesn’t have an exit door!  Once you are in you are there to stay)

 

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In looking back I move forward …

17 Tuesday Jul 2012

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 116 Comments

Tags

breakup, broken heart, friendship, god, love, mosaic, relationship, skiing, tennis, zumba

This is my 100th post, and I wanted to make it special and full of happiness.  So I have been writing and writing, and my writing got out of control.  That post is now too long and still not finished; and I haven’t posted anything in one week.  So I decided to table all of that for now and just summarize the past few months and where I am right now.

(Well this is pretty long too, but trust me it is short compared to the one I didn’t post – lol)

October 2011. My then boyfriend turns 50 years old and everything changes. There are signs that he is not being honest about things. I will leave the details out for the sake of brevity. He doesn’t want to talk about it. I keep hoping that for the first time in my life my instincts are incorrect.

November 2011.  I confront him about a certain e-mail from a certain lady and he goes on silence and denial mode. When he decides to talk is to ask me to move out because he needs to be single to concentrate on his multiple businesses. Yeah, right!

December 2011.  We still go on vacation together because I am still trying to change his mind. At the same time I find and buy an apartment, the closing is scheduled for January.

January 2012.   I close on the apartment and move out. I still continue to see him and yes, unfortunately, be intimate with him.  I am still fooling myself into thinking that he is going to change his mind. It is amazing the lies we tell ourselves.

February 2012.  I am still crying every single day and the pain at times seems unbearable.  I count the hours til I am going to see him next.  He still will not come clean on the things that he is doing.  I continue to lie to myself.  He still says he loves me more than anything in life, but the timing is not right.

March 2012.  I start this blog.  I realize that calling my sister 10 times a day every single day needs to stop. She worries about my mental health. I don’t like worrying her.

April 2012.  He plans for both of our mother’s to be here at the same time.  For 2 weeks I move back in and we are a big happy family. ( yeah, you can roll your eyes, what was I thinking?) On the last day of the 2 weeks truth stares me in the face and I cannot pretend I don’t see it any longer (again to keep this brief will leave details out).  I realize right then and there that there will never be a “us” again. It is time for me to face my new reality. I say good bye to the house, to C the dog, knowing in my heart that I will never see either one ever again.

May and June 2012.  I am in love with my blog, it gives me strength.  Ex is still calling and texting and I am being polite and friendly and entertaining the idea that he and I can be good friends. I ask him to stop inviting me to dinner and trips.  I slowly realize that being friends with him at this point is not an option for me.

July 10th 2012.  He e-mails about a trip he had invited me previously and I had declined.  I decide that I need to stop this insanity.  Every time I hear from me the wound opens up again.  I have to cut all contact.  I have to stop leaving the door open. So I ask him to not contact me in any way, shape or form.  He replies that he is sad about that, but he will try to comply.

He didn’t try very hard…

July 13, 2012.  He texts to tell me that this lecturer and author of books regarding “Understanding Men”(I won’t name her because I just don’t know how I feel about her work)  has helped him understand what has gone on with us and asking if I want we can talk about it some time.

I get so angry when I read that.  Tears start rolling down my face.  This time the tears are physically painful, they feel heavy and hot, it feels like blood is running down my face.  I run to look at the mirror to make sure it is not.  Very weird, but very fitting I believe.   This pain is also different.

This pain is not over wanting him back, or over what I thought we had in the past.  This pain is over the fact that he doesn’t respect me. This pain is over the fact that he is still trying to manipulate me. This pain is over his game playing.  This pain is the acknowledgment that he has no idea of what love is.

After I spent the past 9 months begging (yes begging, it is amazing how low we can go when we think we are fighting for love) him to talk to me about what happened, asking him to give me a reason, he now wants to talk about it.

I am not sure what he is trying to do and I don’t care. Of course I didn’t reply and I will not reply to him ever again.  I don’t care anymore to know the reasons why he did what he did. There is not a single reason in the world that would make a difference at this point.   I am not even curious about what he learned.   It is probably just his ego making a last attempt to get to me and keep me close by, within in reach.

Leave me alone. Let me heal in peace. Let me glue the pieces together as best as I can. I am so at peace right now. At peace with not wanting contact. At peace with not replying.  At peace with being alone. At peace with life.  At peace with just being and living and breathing one second at a time.

I think I can safely say, no, not just say, scream at the top of my lungs, that I over him. Do I still love him? I guess in a way love never dies, it changes.  I think that once someone enters my heart they never leave.  I will never hate him. I don’t like the things he did, but still I wish him happiness and love.  I still pray for his well-being.  I can have him in my heart but I don’t have to have him in my life.

New Friend/New love.  I have made a long distance friend and we speak daily on the phone.  It is somewhat funny that someone that I have known for only a couple of months already means this much to me.  When I was describing our relationship to a friend yesterday I said: we are friends on steroids. It seems that just friends doesn’t fairly describe it but there is no other word.  And yet we never met and right at this moment I cannot tell you if we ever will.  This has been an exercise in much needed patience. If it were up to me, I would have met him yesterday. He wants to exercise caution and go slow.  So for now I am learning to enjoy the moment and the newness of what comes next without too much planning. It is exhilarating to realize that my heart is alive and ready to try again.

Past Life. So in the past several months I have lost a life that consisted of living in a big house with pool, tennis court, dog, and a bunch of other stuff that money can buy. I also lost companionship and what I thought was an everlasting love.

I never cared about material stuff, so the house, pool, tennis court, etc were all nice to have had but I haven’t spend a second missing it. The dog is another story.  I miss C on a daily basis, I see his face on other dogs.  Sometimes I hear his bark. I cry and pray for him.

Current Life. I love my new small apartment.  It is easy to maintain. I have water views and the location is great. I have a beach a can go to. I have a permit to use the town’s tennis courts and I enjoy and play with every dog I meet. Companionship will come, and for now a voice on the phone will do.  I am cherishing love in different ways, such as being kind to people and accepting their kindness. I am open to new things and new friends.

My Projects.

– Blog. I am so proud that I have started and kept it up with.

– Tennis. I am taking lessons and progressing beautifully according to my instructor. I love it, love it!

–Pilates. I am glad I am investing on my body.  It is money well spent! It is painful at times but I see muscles beginning to develop and I am falling in love with my body.

–French. I cannot afford lessons at this time, so I have bought the Pieumsler Method and have been learning on my own. I am not as disciplined with the lessons as I would like but still I can already ask someone if they want to have dinner or a drink with me. As a single girl this could come in handy if I meet a non-English speaking Frenchman. Hey, you never know!

–Mosaic. I have not been able to find a class in NY. Unbelievable, right? I found a workshop that has put me on a waiting list. I started one picture frame project and will soon show you the result.

–Skiing. I am now the happy member of a skiing club out of Washington, DC, and my first skiing trip is already scheduled.  I will be going to Snowmass, CO in February! I am so excited that I thinking I am going to go shopping for skiing boots.

–Volunteerism. I am ashamed to say that that has fallen to the waste-side. After encountering some red tape at the Hospital, the Friend of the Library not calling me back and the Tennis Association no needing anybody at this time, I became discouraged. But I am renewing my motivation to find someplace where I can help and hopefully soon will have news on this front.

***

Life is unbelievably great! I am so blessed to be single and free at this time! My time is my own to do as I please!

I am not even caring if I cry or not over Ex. There are no deadlines for the tears to stop flowing, let them flow if they come.  I know Ex will never be a part of my life again and I am finally at peace with that.

Still I must thank him for all he has done for me, good and bad. I was treated like a princess for a couple of years. He introduced me to things I now love: tennis, skiing and football.

I must thank him also for the pain. The pain allowed me to look inwards and grown. Were not for the pain, there would not be a blog.

I must also look in the mirror and acknowledge that I have had a part in the demise of the relationship.  I am not sure exactly what my part was, but I must stop and look at how I showed up for the relationship.  I am quick to point out what he did wrong, but I chose him. I kept making excuses and allowing the disrespect to continue.  There is a lot to be learned here, and hopefully as distance and time sets in I will  be able to see things clearly.

In this pain I pray more and get reacquainted with God.

So for now I thank YOU, the reader, for reading about my life, for giving me your opinion, for being a like in my page.  I thank you for your blog that at times has made cry, laugh.  You have sparked my curiosity and inspired me.

I am so grateful to God and the Universe for all that has come my way, good and bad.  I welcome all and try to learn all that I can.  I know that the bad will not last so I try to let it come and go as it may.  I know that the good never lasts either so I try to enjoy it the most that I can.  As life ebbs and flows I keep reinventing myself and falling more and more in love with me.  I love this 46 year old body that it is so amazing and able.  Last night looking in the mirror in the Zumba class I saw this hot Brazilian girl with a cute smile and sassy confidence staring back at me. I smiled back at her and made her a promise to never allow anyone to treat her less than the princess she deserves to be treated.

****

(all images from google images)

 

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The last kiss you gave me

26 Thursday Apr 2012

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in EX Files

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

god, last kiss, liar, loser, relationship, Universe

The last kiss you gave me

Let me describe the scene: As I was driving away you reached your head inside the car and kissed me.  I felt nothing, the fireworks were no longer there.  I was staring not on the face of the boyfriend.  I was staring in the eyes of a liar.

The last kiss you gave me

It was empty

It was cold

It was painfully emotionless

It was dead

The last kiss you gave me had nothing that I knew we had

There was no feeling

There was no warmth

There was no desire

The last kiss you gave me it was for appearance

It was to keep the impression that all was ok

The last kiss you gave me it was as if it represented all you felt for me: nothing

 

I try not to think that it was a big nothing, but how can I not?

Where was I that didn’t see your unhappiness, I thought the laughter and intimacy was joy

Where was I when you had already began getting involved with others?

Didn’t deserve respect?  Do you know the meaning of the word?

Didn’t I deserve honesty?  Do you know what that it is? 

I am trying not to hate, not to be angry, not for you but for my sake.  I don’t want to carry it around with me.

 

I thank God and the Universe for giving me the strength not to crumble. 

For making me realize that all this is growing pains.

For making me see that I am special and honest and deserve the same.

 

What you did and are doing, and we both know what those are. I probably don’t know the full extent of it, but at this point I don’t even want to know. Nothing else surprises me.

It is weird but I feel I have been sleeping with a stranger.  What made you change?

You hit 50 and all of sudden you want attention and power and some more attention. Oh well, go and enjoy and I hope it feeds your cravings.

I wish you only the best. I hope you never ever have to feel the pain I feel inside.  Take my word for it loving a loser is no fun!

So it is indeed fitting that I will not have a passionate last kiss to remember you buy.  It will be as meaningless as I was to you.

The last kiss you gave me is what I am most thankful for!

***

Yes folks, I am in pain, and said to say that tears are still coming. If anyone can relate please let me know perhaps we can help each other.

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On days such as today

25 Wednesday Apr 2012

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in EX Files

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

faith, god, Heart, Pain

On days such as today I wished for no feelings, I wished for a heart of stone.

I realized that all that Ex is doing has nothing to do with me.  It has to do with his own insecurities. So he is a lying cheating dog, the best part is I don’t have to put up with that.

I thought we could be friends but it is extremely hard to be friends with someone you don’t respect.

I don’t respect his lies, I don’t respect his disrespect, I don’t respect his farce. I don’t respect his ego the size of Texas.

Becoming 50 did something to him.  All of a sudden he craves attention and I wasn’t enough.  I know that it has been 7 months since we broke up but it is still incredibly hard to understand what happened.

What happened to a relationship that was fun, loving and hot, in and out of bed?

Ex has his good points, I guess as any human being does. I guess the only way I see to preserve the friendship is to hold on to those and to distance myself as much as I can.

I hope that I am granted the wisdom and discernment to learn the lessons of this phase of my life.

May God bless me today.  May God bless Ex today.  May God bless you all today.

Are you going through dramas of the heart now? Would love to hear all about it.  I need help …

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Aha at the Casino

04 Sunday Mar 2012

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in EX Files, Finding Me

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

aha moment, casino, Deciding to love, faith, god, Tantra workshop, wish of God

Decided to the casino today. I received an email from Foxwoods offering me a Brookstone Flip Speaker Dock, so decided it was worth taking a 2 hour bus drive to go get it. It was also a good chance for me to see where the bus stops right here in my new town and to take a test drive before my Mom comes to visit and I take her.
I always said that I could seriously become a gambler, I definitely have an addictive personality. So I have made a conscious effort to just go when I taking Mom.
Moving on,
I, at 46, was the youngest person on the bus. The is a certain air of despair in the bus. Looking around I am thinking that most before here should not be going there.
My seat mate, she chose me because there was a lady the she didn’t want next to her. She is recovering from lung cancer. Great opportunity for me to realize how blessed I am to have my health!
*****
let me digress a little bit, before I forget, let me tell you about last night. The ex texted and seemed to be hinting that he wanted to come over. I am happy and proud of myself that I have made a decision to just love, love as much as I can, whenever I can. And by that I mean, I am not going to play games, even though I am tempted to no reply to texts or call, to pretend I have things to do, places to see and I am too busy for him, when in truth I am never too busy for him!

Progress, small hints of progress, at least in my mind…deciding to love…
****
continuing with the casino, I will not bore you with the details of casino and slot playing minutiae.
I wanted to tell you about an aha moment I had.

It was this same casino in October that I was on the phone with ex, begging, crying, yelling for him not to go this Tantra workshop he was going to. He “forgot” to tell me that he was going to stay at hotel the whole weekend. Anyway, I was not happy with the idea. I will expand on that later on another post.
Anyway, in walking along the same corridor that I did while with him on the phone, I was getting very sad and nostalgic and thinking a lot of “what if”. What if I had been more understanding, would we be together still? Perhaps I would never have moved out. I was about to start crying and I turned my head and looked towards the trees outside. And something clicked, something caught my attention:
the trees were mostly bare, leafless, except for this one tree that had several stubborn leaves. The leaves were moving a lot from the wind hitting them, but they would not fall, and I thought to myself:
It is true, nothing happens on this earth if God doesn’t intend to. Not a leaf fall from a tree if that is not the wish of God.
At the moment I realize that no matter what I did or didn’t do, this is where I should be right now. This is how the Universe wants it, for my own good and growth. There is a reason for everything. I may not know at the moment what the reason is, but somewhere, sometime down the road I will raise my eyes to the sky and whisper: will knew best!
It became clear to me that right now I need to have faith, unshakeable, unlovable faith! I need to trust!
Another lesson from the leaves is that no matter how much the wind hit them they hung on. They were doing their job, they were being leaves.

I will be posting a picture of the tree and leaves later.
**
right now watching a movie: Breaking and Entering”. will let you know if I like it.

Until then have faith and decide to love!

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