Decided to the casino today. I received an email from Foxwoods offering me a Brookstone Flip Speaker Dock, so decided it was worth taking a 2 hour bus drive to go get it. It was also a good chance for me to see where the bus stops right here in my new town and to take a test drive before my Mom comes to visit and I take her.
I always said that I could seriously become a gambler, I definitely have an addictive personality. So I have made a conscious effort to just go when I taking Mom.
I, at 46, was the youngest person on the bus. The is a certain air of despair in the bus. Looking around I am thinking that most before here should not be going there.
My seat mate, she chose me because there was a lady the she didn’t want next to her. She is recovering from lung cancer. Great opportunity for me to realize how blessed I am to have my health!
let me digress a little bit, before I forget, let me tell you about last night. The ex texted and seemed to be hinting that he wanted to come over. I am happy and proud of myself that I have made a decision to just love, love as much as I can, whenever I can. And by that I mean, I am not going to play games, even though I am tempted to no reply to texts or call, to pretend I have things to do, places to see and I am too busy for him, when in truth I am never too busy for him!
Progress, small hints of progress, at least in my mind…deciding to love…
continuing with the casino, I will not bore you with the details of casino and slot playing minutiae.
I wanted to tell you about an aha moment I had.
It was this same casino in October that I was on the phone with ex, begging, crying, yelling for him not to go this Tantra workshop he was going to. He “forgot” to tell me that he was going to stay at hotel the whole weekend. Anyway, I was not happy with the idea. I will expand on that later on another post.
Anyway, in walking along the same corridor that I did while with him on the phone, I was getting very sad and nostalgic and thinking a lot of “what if”. What if I had been more understanding, would we be together still? Perhaps I would never have moved out. I was about to start crying and I turned my head and looked towards the trees outside. And something clicked, something caught my attention:
the trees were mostly bare, leafless, except for this one tree that had several stubborn leaves. The leaves were moving a lot from the wind hitting them, but they would not fall, and I thought to myself:
It is true, nothing happens on this earth if God doesn’t intend to. Not a leaf fall from a tree if that is not the wish of God.
At the moment I realize that no matter what I did or didn’t do, this is where I should be right now. This is how the Universe wants it, for my own good and growth. There is a reason for everything. I may not know at the moment what the reason is, but somewhere, sometime down the road I will raise my eyes to the sky and whisper: will knew best!
It became clear to me that right now I need to have faith, unshakeable, unlovable faith! I need to trust!
Another lesson from the leaves is that no matter how much the wind hit them they hung on. They were doing their job, they were being leaves.
I will be posting a picture of the tree and leaves later.
right now watching a movie: Breaking and Entering”. will let you know if I like it.
Until then have faith and decide to love!