“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.” ― Rita Mae Brown, Alma Mater
Well, not really Bernie, but kind of. Read on.
First things first, the place and the food. I met my date at Hinoki in Greenwich, CT. It was an Asian fusion restaurant. It was packed on this Thursday night. We stood by the bar until we waited for a table or seats at the bar. Eventually we sat at the bar.
As I mentioned on the previous post, I wasn’t expecting much from the date. I thought it would be more of a business connection. Since we are both in financial services I was curious to see if our firms intersected in some way.
During the evening He had a couple of beers and I had a couple of passion fruit cocktails. We shared a few small dishes. The tuna taco, lettuce wrap and fried rice were delicious. I will definitely go back for the food.
A couple of red flags:
First, as soon as we got to the bar, before I knew it, he already had a beer in front of him. I was surprised he would not ask me first what I wanted to drink before ordering. I assumed it was nerves, but now I am thinking is just plain inconsideration. We now have a pretty good idea of who will come first in this relationship.
Second, when I was telling him that my last “relationship” ended when I was called an asshole, his comment was: “So, everyone call names when they fight”.
Excuse me! No, not everyone calls each other names. I don’t, and I don’t want to be in a relationship where that is ok. For the record, there was no fighting with B (last relationship). He was frustrated about not seeing me as often as he wanted and fired of a text calling me an asshole.
The fact that he thinks that it is okay for people in romantic relationships to call each other asshole is disturbing to me.
“That’s all it takes, one drop of fear to curdle love into hate.” ― James M Cain
So it seems, I will never come first and I will be called names. Why am I interested in seeing him again?
Sad, right? I think I am the queen of giving people the benefit of the doubt. I was thinking that the first red flag was nerves, and the second was that I didn’t explain correctly how the name calling occurred. It seems I am already making excuses for the guy.
Towards the end of the date he asked me what I would be doing after it. I joked I was going on another date. He laughed, then invited me to have a glass of wine in his apartment after. I said: No, thank you.
It was actually a fun date, and there was chemistry. We communicated well, took turns asking each other questions. I was willing to go on a second date to find out more. Yes, I was 🙁
“To make no mistakes is not in the power of man; but from their errors and mistakes the wise and good learn wisdom for the future.” ― Plutarch
That Thursday night, while in bed trying to sleep I kept thinking about the date. Something was giving me pause. I decided to get up and Google him again now that I had more information to go on. Before going on any date I will Google the person and try to find as much information I can. Before the date I found his business and some other information that told me he was who he was saying he was.
But now, I had some additional information, such as his ex-wife’s name and the country that he lived in for awhile. So I got up and Googled his name along with the ex-wife’s name.
And shock of all shocks, so much information came up. I found out that many years ago he has been in Federal prison for some type of scam. It seems that even after getting out of prison he went on to have more issues with the SEC. I don’t want to say too much as I am afraid of giving too much info about someone that is not present to defend himself.
So, what is your opinion? Do people deserve a second chance? Can someone regenerate? For me, if I am with someone and something happens, I am going to stick by them. But in this case, do I want to start something with someone that already had issues hanging over his head?
“All men make mistakes, but a good man yields when he knows his course is wrong, and repairs the evil. The only crime is pride.” ― Sophocles, Antigone
According to what I read he thinks he did nothing wrong. As I am going through an audit now, I know that the regulators can be pretty picky and enforce some outdated and irrelevant rules. But, I think this is me once again trying to give someone the benefit of the doubt.
I guess the answer is a very simple one for me. I am more and more wanting to simplify my life of any excess, including excess drama. I would live in fear that he could be at some point be led away in handcuffs.
Then the following day, Friday, he texts me and invites me for dinner, here is the exchange:
I don’t think he will reach out again. I don’t think that he is the type of man that is concerned about a woman’s comfort level, and don’t care enough to care.
I wonder if he would ever tell me about his past had we continued dating. What do you think about it? How much does one need to divulge about their past on dates? When should people disclose such a type of baggage to a potential partner? Are some things okay to keep secret?
What about the less important, at the moment, question: When it is okay to go to a date’s house?
This post has issues that I could have expended on and perhaps should have, but for now you have the gist of it.
“I don’t know why it’s so hard for people to admit that sometimes they’re just assholes who screw up because they don’t expect to get caught.” ― Karen M. McManus, One of Us Is Lying