Tag Archives: past

I had a date with Bernie Madoff

28 Sunday Aug 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.” ― Rita Mae Brown, Alma Mater

Well, not really Bernie, but kind of.  Read on.

First things first, the place and the food.  I met my date at Hinoki in Greenwich, CT.  It was an Asian fusion restaurant.  It was packed on this Thursday night.  We stood by the bar until we waited for a table or seats at the bar.  Eventually we sat at the bar.

As I mentioned on the previous post, I wasn’t expecting much from the date.  I thought it would be more of a business connection.  Since we are both in financial services I was curious to see if our firms intersected in some way. 

During the evening He had a couple of beers and I had a couple of passion fruit cocktails.  We shared a few small dishes.  The tuna taco, lettuce wrap and fried rice were delicious.  I will definitely go back for the food.

A couple of red flags:

First, as soon as we got to the bar,  before I knew it, he  already had a beer in front of him. I was surprised he would not ask me first what I wanted to drink before ordering.  I assumed it was nerves, but now I am thinking is just plain inconsideration. We now have a pretty good idea of who will come first in this relationship.

Second, when I was telling him that my last “relationship” ended when I was called an asshole, his comment was: “So, everyone call names when they fight”.

Excuse me! No, not everyone calls each other names.  I don’t, and I don’t want to be in a relationship where that is ok.  For the record, there was no fighting with B (last relationship).  He was frustrated about not seeing me as often as he wanted and fired of a text calling me an asshole. 

The fact that he thinks that it is okay for people in romantic relationships to call each other asshole is disturbing to me.

“That’s all it takes, one drop of fear to curdle love into hate.” ― James M Cain

So it seems, I will never come first and I will be called names. Why am I interested in seeing him again? 

Sad, right?   I think I am the queen of giving people the benefit of the doubt. I was thinking that the first red flag was nerves, and the second was that I didn’t explain correctly how the name calling occurred. It seems I am already making excuses for the guy.

Towards the end of the date he asked me what I would be doing after it.  I joked I was going on another date.  He laughed, then invited me to have a glass of wine in his apartment after.  I said: No, thank you.

It was actually a fun date, and there was chemistry. We communicated well, took turns asking each other questions.  I was willing to go on a second date to find out more. Yes, I was 😦

“To make no mistakes is not in the power of man; but from their errors and mistakes the wise and good learn wisdom for the future.” ― Plutarch

That Thursday night, while in bed trying to sleep I kept thinking about the date.  Something was giving me pause.  I decided to get up and Google him again now that I had more information to go on.   Before going on any date I will Google the person and try to find as much information I can.  Before the date I found his business and some other information that told me he was who he was saying he was.

But now, I had some additional information, such as his ex-wife’s name and the country that he lived in for awhile. So I got up and Googled his name along with the ex-wife’s name.

And shock of all shocks, so much information came up.  I found out that many years ago he has been in Federal prison for some type of scam.  It seems that even after getting out of prison he went on to have more issues with the SEC.  I don’t want to say too much as I am afraid of giving too much info about someone that is not present to defend himself.

So, what is your opinion?  Do people deserve a second chance?  Can someone regenerate?  For me, if I am with someone and something happens, I am going to stick by them. But in this case, do I want to start something with someone that already had issues hanging over his head?

 “All men make mistakes, but a good man yields when he knows his course is wrong, and repairs the evil. The only crime is pride.” ― Sophocles, Antigone

According to what I read he thinks he did nothing wrong.  As I am going through an audit now, I know that the regulators can be pretty picky and enforce some outdated and irrelevant rules.  But, I think this is me once again trying to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

I guess the answer is a very simple one for me.  I am more and more wanting to simplify my life of any excess, including excess drama.  I would live in fear that he could be at some point be led away in handcuffs.

Then the following day, Friday, he texts me and invites me for dinner, here is the exchange:

I don’t think he will reach out again.  I don’t think that he is the type of man that is concerned about a woman’s comfort level, and don’t care enough to care. 

I wonder if he would ever tell me about his past had we continued dating.  What do you think about it?  How much does one need to divulge about their past on dates?    When should people disclose such a type of baggage to a potential partner? Are some things okay to keep secret? 

What about the less important, at the moment, question: When it is okay to go to a date’s house?

This post has issues that I could have expended on and perhaps should have, but for now you have the gist of it.

“I don’t know why it’s so hard for people to admit that sometimes they’re just assholes who screw up because they don’t expect to get caught.” ― Karen M. McManus, One of Us Is Lying

 

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I guess the grieving process is not over :(

23 Sunday Jun 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite” 
― Cassandra Clare

I was talking to my sister the other day when she said that I was different after the break up with Ex.   I asked: Different how?  She said: Angrier!

I was shocked! I never expected that answer!  If anything I thought she would have said happier or more at peace, anything along those lines.  But angrier???

At first I was speechless.  For several seconds my mind went numb and I didn’t know what to think, then for another brief second, thoughts of asking for examples of such behavior came to mind.

When I actually recovered my ability to speak I went into defensive mode explaining how what had happened to me would change anyone.  I felt the need to explain how my disappointment was so intense and painful that my only defense was to change.  No more Miss Nice Girl! Of course she didn’t need to hear any of the excuses for my change, as you guys don’t need to hear all of the details on how hurt I was, as you have heard all of that before.

But, was I really angrier?  Any traumatizing event is certain to leave a mark.  This was the most traumatizing event of my life.  No, I have not lived a sheltered life.  I left Brazil at 17 with no English and no money.  I certainly had to grow up fast and had my share of bad times.  But even with everything that I have lived through in my life, with my father battling cancer and coming up triumphant as an example of a terribly difficult time, this break up was an event that I thought it would kill me.

I didn’t need to ask my sister for examples.  I knew she was right.

The aftershocks of this break up are still ongoing.  I had certainly hoped that all my changes would be for the better.  I never thought I would lash out and be angry towards the ones I love the most.  I thought the break up had proved my ability to forgive and to continue to love above all things.  I thought if anything I had became more forgiving of human imperfections.  I forgave Ex and understood the need to look inside myself and take some ownership of my role in the relationship.  I thought I had dealt with things and had moved on. 

“We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.” 
― Marcel Proust

But indeed I am angry!  I am angry at the Universe for showing me true love and then taking it away.  Why must you send me a man that treats me like a Princess for 3 years and then have that fairy tale just fall apart?  Why make me think that I was going to be with this man for the rest of my life and then make the rest of my life last only 3 years.  What now?  I don’t know who I am now.  How to fix a crystal vase?  You can’t!  You can try, but the imperfections are visible.  Those are all questions that I thought had already been put to rest and then all of a sudden they come to the surface again.

I am more impatient.  I want things done yesterday.  I am tougher on people closer to me.  I expect more, I expect people to proof themselves.  I thought I was just being an Aries, but instead was more than that, I am still dealing with hurt.

I am extremely tough on dates.  They have their work cut out for them.  It will not be easy getting into my heart anymore.  I guess I am being difficult with everyone to keep them away from me.  Perhaps my anger is my bullet proof vest .

It all gets back to Ex.  Why is that, 2 years after he still feel as fresh in my life as if it was yesterday?  No, I am not in love with him anymore, but I have come to the realization that I will love him forever.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” 
― Rumi

Ex is a scar in my body and my life and it is up to me to decide how I want to display that scar. Hide it as a shameful secret? Show it off as a badge of honor? Ignore it as a non-event? Or come to love it and accept as a natural life occurence?

I have instances when I want to talk to him and demand an apology.  In my mind, if I heard him accepting his mistakes and apologizing for them, then it would be okay for me to be friends with him.  I want to be okay to talk to him, but without an apology it feels too much like I am disrespecting myself.  We trade texts once in a blue moon on superficial matters.  At those times I catch myself caring about him and thinking of him as a friend.  I see myself wanting to share news with him.   When I catch myself I am terrified!  I quickly make a mental effort to remember all the lies and betrayals.  We are not friends, and can never be!  We share a past and that is it!  I am so afraid to let him back in my life!

Why is it so easy for me to be angry at others and yet to be angry at him it takes effort?

When I think I am over it all, that I am a better person for it, I realize I am an angrier person for it.  Back to the drawing board!! Back to trying to figure things out!  Back to trying to be whole again, and not just damaged goods!

I am so confused, and I am diving my heart crazy!  One second I tell it to just love!  Love all things, love the ones who love you, but above all, love the ones that hurt you even more.  And then I feel the need to remind it of what happens when you love, how vulnerable you become, and how you become a prey.

Yet I know better than to become this old angry woman!  I thank my sister for making me realize that I had made a wrong turn on the road to recovery.  I promise to be more watchful of my words and actions.  Hurting anyone with angry words is not what I wanted or intended.

“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it…” 
― Nicholas Sparks

I will continue to tell my heart to love above all things! But it is also okay to be a little guarded.  Navigating that fine line will be key!

This is a post that I never saw it coming, but it is here and now I have to deal with it!  I feel somewhat embarrassed for such a post, for such weakness, for all of a sudden feeling less of a poster girl in dealing with a breakup, for such unawareness about myself.   But what am I dealing with it here?  The true definition of love and forgiveness?  The different ways in which pain manifests itself? Just another stage in the grieving process?  Surviving the loss of love?  How I see myself versus how the word sees me? Inability to let go of the past? Lies we tell ourselves?

Final thought: Just love, love, love and when in doubt, love some more!

March 28 …. A wonderful day to be born!

28 Thursday Mar 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Food

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Today is my birthday (and my twin sister’s also, of course 🙂 ) the best part about having a twin is having a partner for life! No matter how far apart we live or what is going on in our lives I know she is there and she adores me like I adore her!

Normally on my birthday I want to run and hide.  In the past I wished people would just forget about it.  But this year is different!  For some reason I want to celebrate it! Let’s face it, how many times am I going to turn 47? Only once! So we may as well make it memorable.

Last night I was taken for an awesome dinner at Xaviars on the Hudson.  Peter Kelly, the chef, himself took our order.  The service was impeccable, the food was delicious, and the view amazing, it is right on the water (why didn’t I take a picture?).

CowboyRibEye

Here is what I had:

Composed “BLT” Salad
Iceberg Lettuce with Green Goddess Dressing
Grilled Slab Bacon & Beef Steak Tomatoes

Aged & Grilled Cowboy Rib Eye
with Sauce Béarnaise, Brown Sugar & Cayenne Crust

Creamed Spinach and Potato Gratin

Carnaroli Risotto – Wild Mushrooms and Red Wine Syrup

Crispy Cauliflower – Nuoc Cham Butter

3 desserts (on my birthday only 1 wouldn’t do it)

Warm Valrhona Chocolate Cake
Grand Marnier Ice Cream & Orange Confit

Frozen Caramel Soufflé
Served with Warm Cardamom Donuts

Pistachio Dariole with Chocolate
Pistachio Mousse & Milk Chocolate Ice Cream

Perhaps I overate 🙂 It is now 2 pm the following day and I still haven’t been able to eat a thing – not even my beloved bread and butter for breakfast!

I even passed on the traditional Crumbs cupcake we normally get at the office – I took a rain check and will have them when I come back from my trip.

Tonight I am going to another awesome restaurant, well I think it will be awesome, but I wasn’t told where we are going yet.  I hope to have my appetite back by then.

Tomorrow I am off to Brazil!!! On Sunday we will be having a barbecue to celebrate our birthday, followed by the most awesome chocolate cake one can ever dream of!

Did I ever tell you how crazy good are the bakeries and cake stores in Brazil? They are divine!

I just got a surprise delivery from Blissful Brownies!! I love surprises!  It came from this guy I dated probably 6/7 years ago and all of a sudden he calls me at the office last week.  I haven’t seen him yet and I am trying to remember why I broke up with him.  I asked him and he says that I told him that I had too much going on in my life and needed time to work things out and then I just never called him again. I don’t remember any of it.  I remember he is younger than I am, so maybe that is the reason, but I would have told him that.

Oh well, at any rate, now I will probably have to give him the courtesy of buying me a dinner/drink! One thing I know is if it didn’t work back then it is probably not going to work now – I am older, wiser, know what I want and my standards are much higher!

This post should be entitled Food, Food and more Food!!  Oh well it is my birthday after all, so today I am choosing to focus on the gift of my life and how blessed I am!

I will worry about work issues, hip pain, refinancing gone wrong, and other headaches tomorrow.

Today is party time!

Thank you 2012 for everything! For heartaches and lessons, for friends old and new, and above all, thank you for the hope in my heart!

01 Tuesday Jan 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Thank you!  Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you 2012 for everything that you have taught me!

Thank you Ex for letting me go when I wanted to hang on!

Thank you family and old friends for always being there for me!

Thank you new friends for making me believe in the beauty of new relationships.

Thank you work for the steady paycheck.

Thank you blog for giving me an outlet for my emotions and for introducing me to great people.

Thank you readers and fellow bloggers for reading my blog, for liking it, for commenting on it, for sending me heartfelt e-mails, for becoming my new friends!

It is impossible for me not to look back and reflect upon everything that has happened in 2012.  My life is completely different from what it was in 2011.  The only constant has been my job. I feel I have lost everything else.

Is my life better or worse?  It depends at which moment you ask me.  Life is composed of good and bad moments and I live each and all to the fullest.  The bottom line is my life is exactly as it is supposed to be.  2011 was certainly the most heartbreaking year of my life.  There were many challenges and I welcome challenges!

I feel I have accomplished and overcame a lot, specially emotionally.  I could have accomplished more, but at the same time I could have curled up in a ball and fallen into a deep depression.  I could have drowned my sorrows in pounds of chocolate and gained 30 pounds, I could have fallen for the wrong guy just because I feel lonely. Yet I have done none of those things.  And for that and more I am grateful.

I have found peace, comfort and joy in accepting what the Universe has thrown at me.  I accept and cherish the present moment.  I am happy and grateful for each breath.

The main idea in 2011 was to keep mind and body busy.  I keep active with Pilates, Yoga, Zumba, and volunteering ( I have been volunteering every Saturday and I am sore for days afterwards 🙂 ).  I try to keep my mind engaged with conversations with great friends, with movies, with puzzles, with new challenges.  Still I hate to exercise, eat too much sugar and watch too much TV.  I accept myself in all my glory and flaws. I just promise myself to try to be a little better today than  I was yesterday.

In 2013 I am renewing my efforts to work harder at learning French and learning mosaic ( I found a 1 day mosaic workshop to be held in February and already signed up for it and I am able to invite someone to dinner in French – great starts)

I look at 2013 with a peaceful heart and so much hope! I know in my heart that it will be an amazing year.  After all I am blessed with a Star on the Forehead (an invisible star)

In 2010 I had my fortune read by a monk sitting next to a temple in Thailand.  Is that an acceptable thing in Buddhism? I have been always curious about that.  But anyway, the point is, he told me that I was blessed (well no news there I knew that!! Lol), but he also told me that my life will only get better and better.  Each new day will be better than the one before! Did he know what he was talking about?  Did he have psychic abilities?  Who knows and who cares!  The important thing is that I believe it to be true, and the Universe believes what I believe.

The monk forgot to mention the hardships and growing pains along the way, but those are only details.

Today I can surely look back and say that my life is infinitely better and the most important thing is I feel I continue to move in the right direction and things can only get better.

So thank you reader and friend for being a part of my Universe, for making me question myself, for giving me support, for the kind words at the right time, for having inspiring, funny and informational blogs!

May your life get better and better and may 2013 be your year to shine!

ps.  How dare I feel sorry for myself even for a second? On my way from the train station I stopped by a Brazilian restaurant, while waiting for a pastry to be fried, I noticed a man paying for a tiny piece of meat and sitting and eating that. The man looked disheveled and I thought he could have been mentally ill, but I decided to approach him anyway.  I sat at his table and asked him if I could buy him lunch. He said yes.  I was relieved that he acted normal.

I had so many emotions when I left the restaurant.  I was happy with myself for lending a hand, but still the powerlessness consumes me. I feel guilty for having had moments today of feeling sorry for myself for not having a big New Year’s Eve planned. How dare I when some don’t know where their next meal is coming from?

I know I am meant to do more, to help more.  “To whom much is given, much is expected!” Luke 14:48

Missing everything about you …

04 Tuesday Dec 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I wrote this months ago when, clearly,  I missed everything about Ex.

I don’t miss you, I miss the idea of you

I don’t miss your house, I miss playing house

I don’t miss our dinners together, I miss a table for two

I don’t miss the the tennis court, I miss a partner

I don’t miss your bed, I miss a warm body next to me at night

I don’t miss our time together, I miss the daily routine

I don’t miss your kisses, I miss a mouth touching mine

I don’t miss your voice, I miss being told the truth

I don’t miss your touch, I miss being touched

I don’t miss the vacations together, I miss escaping the day to day

I don’t miss you, I miss the fairy-tale, the infinite, the forever

I don’t miss anything about you, yet there is a hole so big and deep that sometimes threatens to swallow me

But in reflecting about this I realize there is one thing I miss. The one thing about you that is pure and honest:  I miss your dog! I miss those big black eyes begging me for a treat!

and this last image is just because it made me laugh:

Day 10 – Baby Steps in making peace with the past

01 Thursday Nov 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files

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We still don’t have electricity in our offices, so today we bought laptops and rented a conference room at the Hilton Hotel.  We managed to get some work done. Some things happen and inconveniences us, but it also make us realize how blessed we are. I hope I can take this experience and use it not to take my day to day for granted.

**

I have been struggling with my wanting to reach out to Ex and make sure that him and C (the dog) are okay.  He lives in a very wooded area and I remember well what we went through with Hurricane Irene.

I have successively avoided any kind of communication with him, but I cannot deny that I still care about his well being. So I have been obsessing about wanting to reach out.

I don’t ever want to be with him again or even be his friend.  But, once you love somebody you cannot just snap your fingers and stop loving them. I believe you will always care, but you just make a choice to love and respect yourself more.

So yesterday I allowed myself to text him and ask if he and C were okay. He texted back that they were okay and that he appreciated my checking on him. And guess what happened? I felt so light afterwards, and best of all, I stopped obsessing about it.  It is funny it seems that I turned a corner.

It kind of freed me.  I have been working so hard at completely ignoring him that it was having the opposite affect.  Allowing myself to contact him made me to just be able to let it go.

Baby steps, but it feels so good!

 

 

An open letter to my Friend … Letting go of pain and fear and embracing the moment!

27 Friday Jul 2012

Posted by in Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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(this started as an e-mail to my friend after a long conversation last night.  

Dear Friend, this is to you, and to me, and to all in pain!)

I am really sorry for being hard on you sometimes and probably causing you pain with my harsh words.  But my words are only the frustration that I feel when I think that you are stuck on the hurts of the past. I wish I could just grab you by the shoulders and shake some sense into you.

I hope one day to come up with a magic word that will snap you out of the past and into the present. Until then I will keep trying with the weapons I have: brutal honesty peppered with humor all enveloped in love.

I wish I could just give you a hug and hold you for a long time and be held by you for a long time.  I want to be like that as day turns into night and then into day again. I just think that you need to be handled with love and care like I do. And I am not talking about sex (even though, that probably wouldn’t be so bad either), I am just talking human touch and connection.  Just that feeling of somebody being there for you – no words necessary!

I don’t know the extent of your hurt and your pains from the past, but I know that is holding you back from being in the present and looking to a future.  I don’t want to compare my pain with your pain.  We all hurt in different ways and different degrees.  We all deal with it in different ways.  I really have no business telling you what to do, how to react and how to feel.  But being a friend allows me no other choice.  I have to tell you how I feel.

.. and in writing this to you I realize I am also writing it to myself!

I really want you to understand that there is at least one person that cares about you: ME.  I don’t want anything from you.  I don’t want anything in return.

Well, actually I do.

I want you to be happy! I love the sound of your laughter! I long to hear it every day! That is why I make the most stupid jokes, all in an attempt to hear your laughter!

I want you to realize what a great person you are! You are not perfect! Nobody is! But among all your imperfections you shine! You have so many great things about yourself, such as honesty, generosity, compassion.  You have morals and lives by them! What I appreciate the most is the way that you present yourself to me: real, fallible, caring and sensitive.

I want you to make peace with the hurt in the past and leave the past in the past!

I want you to stop fearing your future! Live the now in full!  Be here completely now!

You are not your past and your past is not you! Right now you can decide who you want to be and what life and future you want.

Respect the pain! Don’t run away or try to bury your past: expose it, confront it, feel it, cry it, mourn it, forgive it, and then let it go! Stop dragging it around with you.  It is such a heavy baggage and it has no place in your present and future.

Forgive the people that hurt you in the past!  Only when you forgive them, you are able to leave them where they belong:  in the past.  Let them be just a page on your big book of life. You have no idea of the pain that they could be carrying themselves.  Whatever they did to you it was not because of you but because of their own pains and their inabilities of dealing with it and communicating their needs. Wish them well, pray for them.  I still pray for Ex and wish him only the best in life. The peace that I get whenever I send him good thoughts is priceless to me.  It frees me.  It pacifies my heart!

Forgive yourself! Even if you think that you caused yourself pain in the past or that somehow you did something to deserve it, realize that you are a flawed human being. You will make mistakes every now and then – making mistakes is part of our growing.  The key here is to acknowledge it, learn from it, forgive yourself and let it go!

Believe in God without any question! Believe that there is a reason for everything, even in the hurt.  If you believe that God is a loving and merciful God than what do you fear? What do you doubt?  Pray, meditate, talk to God, tell him your fears, place your fears in his hands and let it go!

Be grateful! Remember to thank God for the goodness he has blessed you with.  Remember to be thankful for everything you have in life. Be grateful for your health and the health of family members, for the job you have, for the house you live in and the car you drive.  Be grateful for the beautiful sunshine, and the benefits of the rain, for the food you just had and for the smile of a stranger!

Pain is necessary and unavoidable! The pain was necessary to get you to where you are today!  But it is your choice to wallow in self pity or gain strength from it and move on.  And don’t get me wrong, the future won’t be only love and joy, you will probably get hurt again, but that is called living!  If were not for the bad, the good wouldn’t have any flavor.

The best is yet to come. We both thought that our last relationships were amazing and the one that we were destined to be with, but guess what? Life has bigger and better things in store for us.  That was just an appetizer for the feast that lies ahead!

Am I just fooling myself?  Perhaps, but who really knows what the future holds? No one, but God (if you believe), so choose to live a life that is full of promise.  Concentrate on today and love and live the most that you can! Send to the Universe that idea the your future is so bright you will need sunglasses 24/7.

Hurt? Hurt is growing pains! Hurt is just the price that we have to pay for the ultimate happiness!

Stop looking for answers! Sometimes in life there are no answers.  People behave in the ways they behave and sometimes it makes no sense and there is no explanation.  Yes, they could have been honest and open and upfront about whatever was troubling them instead of blindsiding us with “we are over”.

See hardships as gifts! I totally believe that when people break up with us they are doing us a favor! Of course I wish the break up was different. Pain and hurt are there to makes us stronger.  It forces one to confront themselves and either fall apart or thrive!  It gives us a chance to rediscover ourselves and be the best that we can be!  There is an unique lesson here and we need/want to make sure not to miss it!

Enjoy life-don’t let fear hold you back! I want you to go out and dance and date! Try again, as many times as necessary! (yeah I must admit this was a real tough one for me to write.  There is nothing I dread more than you finding someone and my dreams of ever meeting you and perhaps being more than friends will have to come to an end.  But when you love someone you have to put their needs ahead of your wants.)

LIVE! LOVE! AS MUCH AS YOU CAN, WHENEVER YOU CAN! That is my dream and hope for you!

(Thank you Ex for making my pain so unbearable that I started writing a blog so I would not explode. Were not for that, I would not have gotten back to my love of writing.  Were not for that I would not  have met so many great people that genuinely care and graciously offer their love in the form of comments. Were not for that I would have not met my Friend – the one that I am sure was part of my life in a previous existence.  He walked straight into my heart!. My heart doesn’t have an exit door!  Once you are in you are there to stay)

 

Allowing my brown eyes to scream

04 Wednesday Jul 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Happy Independence Day USA!

And to celebrate it I am declaring my Independence today, independence from thinking that I am not allowed to cry. Today I declare myself free to cry if I want to! and even if I don’t want to but it just happens. I am free to cry anywhere, anytime and about anyone or anything.

ok, ok, in all fairness I am writing this at pms time and specially at this time I am a cry baby.  I cry for no reason. I cry for fiction, I cry for reality.

Just now I cried watching Drop Dead Diva, it was the scene where Owen takes Jane on a horse drawn carriage ride. I guess it was tears of happiness for her. Yes I am happy for a TV character, do you have a problem with that? and sad, sad to wonder when will I have a guy do romantic stuff like that for me? Am I not worth or deserving?

I cry if someone looks at me the wrong way, says the wrong thing, makes me feel inferior, makes me feel powerless. I cry because I am overwhelmed and all of a sudden my happy attitude and easy smile is a little forced.  All of a sudden the strong me is this weakling person I don’t recognize.

I cry for the past, for all that is gone that I am still trying to hold onto. I cry because the more I try to hold onto the less of a hold I have.  I cry even more when I realize that what I was trying to hold onto was not worth having in the first place. It is impossible to try to save something that never existed.

I cry for what it could have been, but for some reason or another never became! I cry because sometimes the pain in my heart is so intense that if I don’t cry I feel I will burst.  I cry because, just because, no special motive or reason is necessary.

So here is the a-ha moment, the moment that I realized that I was being too hard on myself, that I was not treating myself fairly:

I was with a friend on the phone and he made the comment that I couldn’t possibly understand how he felt about his kids because I didn’t have any kids.  At once I got this lump in my throat.  I tried holding it in, but tears immediately welled up in my eyes, and when he asked I couldn’t deny that I was crying.

You, the readers that don’t have any children, don’t you love when people say that? When people point out that you have no children, and therefore couldn’t understand the joys and hardships of parenthood.  I don’t need to put my hand in the fire to know that it burns. I don’t need to be a mother to know that there is an indescribable bond between parent and child, and to know that parenthood comes with a long list of sacrifices – that they tell me is all well worth.   I am not a parent but I have had experience in the subject.  I have had my hands in raising a few, first as a nanny raising 2 kids, one from when he was 2 days old until 6 years of age, and later being stepmom to 2 pre-teens. I did spend sleepless nights with a baby, take a toddler to get stitches, I did have to deal with a pre-teen wanting to have sleepovers and had the talks about sex and drugs, among a myriad of parenting moments.

But now I getting off the subject of this post.  This post is not about things people say that hurt us, it is not about pms, it is not about wanting or not to have kids, all of those will be subject for future post or have already been.  This post is about tears, about being comfortable with crying, about allowing oneself to have their feelings shown.

In all fairness if it was not for the mighty pms I probably wouldnt have cried about hearing that. It is not the first time I am being presented with the astounding revelation that I don’t have kids.  It burns and hurts but it doesn’t normally make me cry.

When I started crying on the phone, I tried to hide it, but it is impossible to talk with a lump on the throat.

My friend felt bad!  I felt embarrassed and weak! I don’t want anyone to be afraid to talk to me honestly because I may cry.   I proceeded to explain to him how I hated crying because I thought it was a sign of weakness and I considered myself a strong person.

He said: I cry, do you think I am weak?

I said: NO, when a man cries I think it is a sign of strenght, of manliness, he is man enough to be okay with showing his emotions.  I like men that cries. And I was being completely honest! Nothing more beautiful than someone having feelings and demonstrating and not being afraid to show them.  And for that matter I feel that way about not only men, but anyone crying except myself.

Why am I setting myself apart as this one being that is not allowed to have emotions? And when having emotions why can’t I allow myself to show them?  I realized I have double standards when it comes to myself and my emotions.  I expect so much from myself.  I expect myself to be cool, calm and collected at all times.  I expect myself to be a pillar of strength.  I pride myself for being in control of everything and most important my emotions.

I guess this is one of those moments where the light bulb goes on in your head. A moment of learning and growing. A moment to make a conscious effort to be good to myself. I need to stop being so hard on myself. I need to be kind to myself and realize I am only an extra emotional human being.

so I cry, big deal! Who cares, move on. That is my new winning attitude!

I came across the following beautiful quotes:

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”
― Washington Irving

“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before–more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.”
― Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

“Beauty of whatever kind, in its supreme development, invariably excites the sensitive soul to tears.”
― Edgar Allan Poe

“Tears are the noble language of eyes, and when true love of words is destitute. The eye by tears speak, while the tongue is mute.”
― Robert Herrick

Who am I to argue with those amazing writers?

Let us all allow the tears to flow freely as they will. Let people feel bad if they hurt our feelings and lets us use that moment to talk about why the words hurt. Lets use the tears to open the doors to deeper and more meaningful conversations.  Lets use tears to bond us as human beings who have emotions and are strong enough to show them.  (I do know that the last thing my friend would want to do was to hurt me, he instead has been the source of smiles and laughter)

Let the tears speak when the feeling is too overwhelming for words. Let the world see you are sad or happy, let the world see you are alive and only human. Don’t make your feelings invisible!

So I will continue crying because it is in my nature, but I will feel less ashamed, less weak.  Next time I cry I will open a bottle of champagne to celebrate the moment!

So today, in this beautiful freeing day, what are you declaring independence from?

So called friends

17 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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The tumultuous day I had yesterday got me thinking (yes I do that some times! –  whenever I am not too busy watching tv or eating – just kidding)

I realized that perhaps I am not as good a judge of character as I thought I was, or perhaps I am becoming naive in my old age. And of course, I learned that appearances can be deceiving.

People that I thought were friends treated me in a less than friendly way.  People that I thought had great morals turned out to be a little flexible with their morals.

In the space of 2 weeks I have 3 less friends/acquaintances/contacts:

The ex-client V. (see my post: When you think you have a friend … May 7, 12) – that kept trying to chat about sex when I expressly said I was not interested in that kind of talk, and then just logged off and I never heard from him again. I see now the value of my friendship to him. For the record nothing wrong with harmless sexy chatting, but he is married and I don’t want to cross that line.

The ex-dancing buddy B. (see my post Am I becoming a prude? May 10, 12) – the one that wanted to keep me hidden, see me when his friends were not around and of course, I am sure, he would not ever mention to his wife about a female friend. We still exchange e-mails but it is not the same.

And then yesterday the train buddy (see my post My day destroyed with 1 phone call! May 19, 12) – that I thought was such a great man and could have been more than a friend turned out to be a disappointment. He later told me that the woman that called me yesterday was a married woman that he had had an affair with (probably while having other girlfriends) and she was having trouble accepting the break up.

I realized that what they have in common, other than they all being of the male persuasion,  is that they are all people that I had met several years ago and lost touch with.  Then one day they reached out and we started talking again.

I am thinking that there was a reason that they were in the past, and I probably should have left them there.

There is only a couple of problems:

1) As it is I am already a loner with not a lot friends.  If I am going to start to shut down the ones that return from the past I better then start adopting a few cats.

2) Nowadays you are nothing if you don’t have contacts.  I could be jobless tomorrow and have to start knocking on some doors.  It is very hard to knock on doors of people that you haven’t spoke to in years, or people that have reached out to you and you have ignored.

What is a girl that wants to get out of the house to do? What is a career girl to do?

But, there are lessons here, as there always is in every situation.  I have learned that I can be too trusting. Also, I think, oftentimes, I make people into what I think they are and not what they really are.  So I am going to take a real close look at my relationships. How am I treating and being treated? Is this relationship building me up or just tearing me apart and bringing me down?

And as I write this I am making arrangements to meet an ex-co-worker that I haven’t seen in a couple of years.  This is really a nice guy!! I promise!

There are no victims here!!!!!

12 Monday Mar 2012

Posted by in EX Files

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I find myself alone… and I have to sit still with that thought.  I have to say it aloud and wait until that thought leaves the room!

It is a numbing feeling, but I feel better just acknowledging that fact!

Now that I recognize it and own it, I have nothing to do, but move on.

Yes, I have my “victim” moments.  My moments of looking around and comparing myself to others, others that seem to lead such great, busy fulfilled and fun-filled lives. Moments of looking back and comparing to where I was not too long ago.

Today I had such a moment.  I went to the neighboring town tennis courts to hit on  the wall, and I get there and somebody is there using the wall.  So I sit and wait and watch people playing on the courts.

I used to live in a house with a private tennis court and swimming pool, with a man that enjoying instructing and playing with me, and now I sit here with no one to play with and wondering if I will be booted out for playing on the wall when I don’t even live in  this town.

At moments like this where I start missing what I had and tears start to well up in my eyes I have to make a choice: Do I run home and get under the covers and cry my eyes out hiding from the world, or I just face my new circumstance head on and move on.  And I choose the latter. And already feel stronger for making that choice!

I do choose to look at the fact that I am better off for having known ex. I have learned a lot with him. I choose to thank God for having allowed me to benefit from a beautiful house with pool and tennis court. I thank God for allowing me to be part of ex and Chiefy’s lives for almost 3 years. I am going to rejoice on the memories I had and all I did and learn with and from him. I choose not to cry (well at least try not to) over what I no longer have.

Sitting on that park bench today, deciding to go home or sit and wait for the wall to be available, I said to myself: Moments like this, when you feel lonely and alone; when you feel sorry for yourself for not having anyone to play tennis with, when you vividly remember the clay court you once had at any time you wanted, those are the moments that shape you and make you stronger.  These are the important choices in life. Take control of your life and live and enjoy the small moments.

The person using the wall left. I felt such happiness facing that wall.  Thank you God for giving me this incredible soul and mind.  For allowing me to rejoice on simple moments such as this.

I will try to chase away the feelings that nag at me, such as not having taken advantage of all I had, and now I want so much!!

So I attacked that wall as if my life tempted on, and I had a great time.

As I sit here with ice on my back I have learned another lesson: the need to warm up and not over do it!!!