I find myself alone… and I have to sit still with that thought. I have to say it aloud and wait until that thought leaves the room!
It is a numbing feeling, but I feel better just acknowledging that fact!
Now that I recognize it and own it, I have nothing to do, but move on.
Yes, I have my “victim” moments. My moments of looking around and comparing myself to others, others that seem to lead such great, busy fulfilled and fun-filled lives. Moments of looking back and comparing to where I was not too long ago.
Today I had such a moment. I went to the neighboring town tennis courts to hit on the wall, and I get there and somebody is there using the wall. So I sit and wait and watch people playing on the courts.
I used to live in a house with a private tennis court and swimming pool, with a man that enjoying instructing and playing with me, and now I sit here with no one to play with and wondering if I will be booted out for playing on the wall when I don’t even live in this town.
At moments like this where I start missing what I had and tears start to well up in my eyes I have to make a choice: Do I run home and get under the covers and cry my eyes out hiding from the world, or I just face my new circumstance head on and move on. And I choose the latter. And already feel stronger for making that choice!
I do choose to look at the fact that I am better off for having known ex. I have learned a lot with him. I choose to thank God for having allowed me to benefit from a beautiful house with pool and tennis court. I thank God for allowing me to be part of ex and Chiefy’s lives for almost 3 years. I am going to rejoice on the memories I had and all I did and learn with and from him. I choose not to cry (well at least try not to) over what I no longer have.
Sitting on that park bench today, deciding to go home or sit and wait for the wall to be available, I said to myself: Moments like this, when you feel lonely and alone; when you feel sorry for yourself for not having anyone to play tennis with, when you vividly remember the clay court you once had at any time you wanted, those are the moments that shape you and make you stronger. These are the important choices in life. Take control of your life and live and enjoy the small moments.
The person using the wall left. I felt such happiness facing that wall. Thank you God for giving me this incredible soul and mind. For allowing me to rejoice on simple moments such as this.
I will try to chase away the feelings that nag at me, such as not having taken advantage of all I had, and now I want so much!!
So I attacked that wall as if my life tempted on, and I had a great time.
As I sit here with ice on my back I have learned another lesson: the need to warm up and not over do it!!!