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A friend for life or just a lesson?

03 Tuesday Jan 2023

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

≈ 51 Comments

Tags

being friends, drinks and laughs, friends for life, from date to friend, Greenwich CT, he is a lesson, Hinoki Restaurant, Japanese fusion, past dates, staying friends, sweet and thoughtful

Last night (Monday, January 2nd, 2023) I had dinner with Mr. Sweet.   He continues to be sweet and thoughtful.  He drove from NYC to pick me up to go to dinner, and he brought bagels for my sister.

I am glad I said yes to dinner, even though I almost canceled to stay home and watch TV.  The time apart had made me realize I didn’t miss him at all.   It was great to confirm that he is definitely not the one for me, not now, not ever.

The last time I saw him was in October when we had gone to dinner in NYC with my sister and my friend.  That night he repeated that he wanted to see “what is out there”. And that night time I finally understood it. I wrote about it here:  https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2022/10/27/still-sweet-but-not-yet-the-one/

Last night I chose to go to Hinoki Restaurant in Greenwich, CT.  It is a restaurant I have been to before and wanted to go back.  The meal and drinks were delicious. To drink I had the Pornstar – Stoli vanilla vodka, passoa liqueur, passion-fruit puree and lime juice.  Later I had a Lychee Martini – Japanese vodka, lychee puree and dry vermouth.  He had a spicy drink, I don’t remember the name but it was good.  To eat we shared: fried rice, chicken lettuce wrap, boneless short ribs and black cod with grilled endive.  For dessert we shared lava cake with ice cream.

“Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.”
― G.K. Chesterton, Heretics

We got caught up on what we have been up to.  He talked about a couple of trips he has taken.  He asked about my mosaics.  He talked a lot about dating.  I was okay with that, since I am no longer interested in the role of being his girlfriend.

He is still like a kid in a candy store.  It seems he is dating anyone that looks his way, or swipes right on him.  I think he may have broken some record of the most dates in one week, or something like that.  It feels a bit desperate and chaotic.

His divorce negotiations are about to start. The more we talked, the more I felt it was a good thing that we had not continued dating.  Not only his divorce will probably take forever, he seems to have a lot of growing up to do.  What appears quirky and cute, would annoy me to no end.  It seems he has money, perhaps from his family, so perhaps that is why it seems he lacks ambition and job stability.  That would make me nervous in the long run.  I want a man with more of a sense of direction.

He wanted to talk about how we ended things last time. To me there was nothing to talk about.  He felt he needed to apologize for leading me on.  I said that apologies were not necessary, I was at fault for assuming things.  I hadn’t felt sparks in a long time, and got caught up in it.  That was a great lesson that I learned and it will help prevent heartaches in the future.

“I prefer to surround myself with people who reveal their imperfection, rather than people who fake their perfection.” ― Charles F. Glassman

He said that he was hoping that I didn’t take this dinner invitation in a different way, meaning, he hoped I didn’t think it was a date.   I assured him I did not, and I didn’t.

He then started telling me that I am so great, so beautiful, so smart, that he hopes I will find someone, etc.  He added: ” I will see if I have any friends to introduce to you”. OMG, ouch, I just hate that.

I am fine if someone says: “you would be perfect for my friend/cousin, etc”.  But to say I am going to look around for someone for you is just annoying, even offensive to me.   As if having a boyfriend is such a necessity, like a job.  It is not like I am asking him to do it.  Am I the only that hates that?

My response to him was to start laughing, and I added: “Please, Please, don’t introduce me to anyone, I barely have time and motivation for the dates I find on my own.”

I also said: “I know I am a catch, and the right man for me will see it.  The fact that you said you need to see what is out there says it all.  I am not the one, and the world has not come to an end.”

That was just a blip in the evening.  We do have a great time together.  There is always a lot laughs.  At times he seems a bit childish, and that is another trait that is now charming, but probably would drive me crazy later on.

Towards the end of the date he came clean and mentioned there was someone that he was excited about and getting serious with. I think he didn’t want to say it earlier for fear of hurting me. Once he realized I could care less if he is serious about someone or not, he felt free to mention it.   I hope she is as excited about him as he is about her. I hope that, if that is the case, he stops dating every skirt he sees.

After dinner he drove me home and we hugged goodbye.  He said he is a phone call away, and that we should meet up more often.  I agreed, and said I would call him.  I may or may not.  Time will tell if this is a friend for life or not.

Speaking of being friends with guys on dating sites.  My best friend, a guy I met on Plenty of Fish in 2015, will be moving into my building this month.  He is great as a friend, let’s see how he is as a neighbor.

Tomorrow night I have a quick drinks date with a ski lover that likes Rumi.  Sounds like a promising friendship, hopefully more.

“Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.” ― Franz Kafka

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I had a date with Bernie Madoff

28 Sunday Aug 2022

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 40 Comments

Tags

baggage, federal prison, financial scam, Googling, Greenwich CT, Hinoki Restaurant, past, past sins, redemption, SEC

“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.” ― Rita Mae Brown, Alma Mater

Well, not really Bernie, but kind of.  Read on.

First things first, the place and the food.  I met my date at Hinoki in Greenwich, CT.  It was an Asian fusion restaurant.  It was packed on this Thursday night.  We stood by the bar until we waited for a table or seats at the bar.  Eventually we sat at the bar.

As I mentioned on the previous post, I wasn’t expecting much from the date.  I thought it would be more of a business connection.  Since we are both in financial services I was curious to see if our firms intersected in some way. 

During the evening He had a couple of beers and I had a couple of passion fruit cocktails.  We shared a few small dishes.  The tuna taco, lettuce wrap and fried rice were delicious.  I will definitely go back for the food.

A couple of red flags:

First, as soon as we got to the bar,  before I knew it, he  already had a beer in front of him. I was surprised he would not ask me first what I wanted to drink before ordering.  I assumed it was nerves, but now I am thinking is just plain inconsideration. We now have a pretty good idea of who will come first in this relationship.

Second, when I was telling him that my last “relationship” ended when I was called an asshole, his comment was: “So, everyone call names when they fight”.

Excuse me! No, not everyone calls each other names.  I don’t, and I don’t want to be in a relationship where that is ok.  For the record, there was no fighting with B (last relationship).  He was frustrated about not seeing me as often as he wanted and fired of a text calling me an asshole. 

The fact that he thinks that it is okay for people in romantic relationships to call each other asshole is disturbing to me.

“That’s all it takes, one drop of fear to curdle love into hate.” ― James M Cain

So it seems, I will never come first and I will be called names. Why am I interested in seeing him again? 

Sad, right?   I think I am the queen of giving people the benefit of the doubt. I was thinking that the first red flag was nerves, and the second was that I didn’t explain correctly how the name calling occurred. It seems I am already making excuses for the guy.

Towards the end of the date he asked me what I would be doing after it.  I joked I was going on another date.  He laughed, then invited me to have a glass of wine in his apartment after.  I said: No, thank you.

It was actually a fun date, and there was chemistry. We communicated well, took turns asking each other questions.  I was willing to go on a second date to find out more. Yes, I was 🙁

“To make no mistakes is not in the power of man; but from their errors and mistakes the wise and good learn wisdom for the future.” ― Plutarch

That Thursday night, while in bed trying to sleep I kept thinking about the date.  Something was giving me pause.  I decided to get up and Google him again now that I had more information to go on.   Before going on any date I will Google the person and try to find as much information I can.  Before the date I found his business and some other information that told me he was who he was saying he was.

But now, I had some additional information, such as his ex-wife’s name and the country that he lived in for awhile. So I got up and Googled his name along with the ex-wife’s name.

And shock of all shocks, so much information came up.  I found out that many years ago he has been in Federal prison for some type of scam.  It seems that even after getting out of prison he went on to have more issues with the SEC.  I don’t want to say too much as I am afraid of giving too much info about someone that is not present to defend himself.

So, what is your opinion?  Do people deserve a second chance?  Can someone regenerate?  For me, if I am with someone and something happens, I am going to stick by them. But in this case, do I want to start something with someone that already had issues hanging over his head?

 “All men make mistakes, but a good man yields when he knows his course is wrong, and repairs the evil. The only crime is pride.” ― Sophocles, Antigone

According to what I read he thinks he did nothing wrong.  As I am going through an audit now, I know that the regulators can be pretty picky and enforce some outdated and irrelevant rules.  But, I think this is me once again trying to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

I guess the answer is a very simple one for me.  I am more and more wanting to simplify my life of any excess, including excess drama.  I would live in fear that he could be at some point be led away in handcuffs.

Then the following day, Friday, he texts me and invites me for dinner, here is the exchange:

I don’t think he will reach out again.  I don’t think that he is the type of man that is concerned about a woman’s comfort level, and don’t care enough to care. 

I wonder if he would ever tell me about his past had we continued dating.  What do you think about it?  How much does one need to divulge about their past on dates?    When should people disclose such a type of baggage to a potential partner? Are some things okay to keep secret? 

What about the less important, at the moment, question: When it is okay to go to a date’s house?

This post has issues that I could have expended on and perhaps should have, but for now you have the gist of it.

“I don’t know why it’s so hard for people to admit that sometimes they’re just assholes who screw up because they don’t expect to get caught.” ― Karen M. McManus, One of Us Is Lying

 

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