Tag Archives: looking back

Looking back – January 2022

29 Thursday Dec 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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At the office – still in the Christmas mood

Before I look to the future and talk about my plans for 2023, I want to take a look back.  Is 2022 really over?  Didn’t it just start?

I am going to look back month by month, otherwise it would be a very long post.

THIS HAPPENED IN JANUARY 2022

It was a busy month, even though I spent most of it struggling with Covid. Some of the symptoms stayed around for 3 months.  Actually, the mental fogginess and anxiety still visit every now and then.

Feeling sick, as it often does, highlights the joys of a time when one is healthy.  At that moment nothing else matters. Health is indeed our most sacred commodity!

A co-worker that I have had issues with in the past got mad at me, for no real reason, and blocked me on our internal communication chat.  I think he felt he had to have the last word.  Weeks later he unblocked me because he needed something.  I then blocked him, not as revenge but as a protection of the peace of not having to chat with him had afforded me.  We now communicate only via email when it is absolutely necessary.

I learned that no matter how much I try, some people will not like me.  I learned that sometimes the best communication is no communication at all. I also learned that forgiving is a virtue, but forgetting can be dangerous.  We have to set up and enforce boundaries to protect our emotional being.

After canceling a date with the Greek because of Covid, we eventually met for the 4th date.  I was really not feeling any chemistry, but since I said I would treat him for his birthday I felt I needed to go.  I was hoping we could be friends.  That night we disagreed on a couple of topics, but as we ended the night, I thought he understood and accepted friendship.

After that, he diminished the number of texts, so I assumed he had gotten the message.  More about him in March.

People will sometimes assume things about me. It is not on me; it is on them.  I cannot force anyone to understand me. I know who I am.  That is enough.

The infamous EX-boyfriend (the cause for the start of this blog 10 years ago) reached out with a weird text about the sauna in his house.  I did what I always do.  I ignored him.  And blocked him.

He no longer has any effect on me. It took me years to put my heart back together after him.  It all passes and I grow stronger and stronger.

I reconnected with an older woman, my mom and I had met in Israel.  It is good to reconnect with people that brings us good memories.  It brightened her day and mine.

I just called her today.  She is now 90 years old.  She was so happy to hear from me. She is such a kind soul.  

I need to remember the good souls from my past and do more of an effort of reaching out. Human connections are important, specially the ones that make my heart sing!

I finally got my floors finished and, and in the process the noise disturbed my neighbors.  I had notified the building management, but they had failed to notify the neighbors.  Instead of getting mad, I knocked on the neighbor’s door with a bottle of wine and a smile as an apology.  They were surprised.

We are now great friends. My sister and I are now included in their get-togethers.

It is often better to take the high road.  It definitely better to be happy than to be right!  It is hard to fight the instinct to fight, not to be perceived as weak and a doormat. But I choose to pick my battles.  Not everything requires a fight. Sometimes is better to solve issues with a bottle of wine and a smile.

That was a summary of January 2022. February coming next.

Always Grateful and Forever Hopeful

15 Friday May 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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I read the above quote and it really resonated with me and I wanted to share.

Past: I am grateful for all the lessons I learned.  Looking back it fills me with the feeling of accomplishment. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and there always things I would do differently, but I am ever so proud and grateful for everything in my past.

“The past beats inside me like a second heart.”― John Banville, The Sea

Future: I feel so blessed for having been gifted with vision.  I envision such an amazing future.  Each new day brings so much promise.  I could always see beyond the now, the today, and I see it with positivism and optimism.

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt

Above:  The strength I get from above sustains me.  It carries me when problems and stress weakens my legs. Knowing that I am never alone, and that no matter what I will always be okay is extremely powerful.  My faith is my weapon.

“Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into light.”
― Hellen Keller

Inner Being/Inner Peace: All answers, all solutions, peace, love and tranquility are all within myself.  There is no need to look elsewhere. The world can be chaos but I don’t have to let it affect me.  I can stop, breathe, get quiet and still enough to ground and center myself. Peace is within me, I am peace! 

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”― Albert Camus

 

Painful memories can bring comfort and contentment!

20 Sunday Mar 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” – Lao Tzu

As I am laying in bed waiting for sleep to come, my mind went back to a sad time over 4 years ago.  It was the time when my Ex and I were breaking up.  (For the new readers: After thinking I was in a fairy-tale I found out my boyfriend was cheating.  When I confronted him, he asked me to move out).

No,  I am not still thinking of him.  He is history!  But tonight memories of that time came to mind. (I think it had to do with getting an email from him wishing me a good trip.  His mom must have told him I was going on a skiing trip.  I didn’t reply and felt indifferent about it).  I see this memory not as a memory of him, but a memory of me and my feelings at a certain time.

The memory is of one night as I had my head resting against his chest as we were both going to sleep.  Well, he was going to sleep… to me those nights were spent awake trying to come up with answers, trying to come up with solutions.  The memory is of my heart aching.  I was in pain and there was no painkiller that could stop it.  I felt as if my heart was being ripped out of my chest.  The knowledge,  but not the acceptance,  that the life as I knew it was over.

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” – Steve Maraboli

I have my head on the chest of the man that is causing me this immense pain and still I want to do anything I can to stay with him.  I wanted to know why he was doing what he was doing and how could I fix it.  At that moment in time contemplating a future without him was incomprehensible.  So instead of planning my solo future I was planning ways to get him back.  I am trying to ignore the inevitable.

I remember trying to talk to him, trying to convince him to work on the relationship.  I was doing all the talking.  He was resolved and that was the end of it.  I would have done anything to stay.  I begged and I pleaded.   I was still lying to myself hoping he would change his mind and give us a chance.  Instead every time I tried he made me feel smaller and smaller.

Looking back I realized how much easier it would have been if I had just surrendered to the truth of the situation.  Hindsight is indeed 20/20.

I, still after all these years, cannot find a reason on why he cheated.  I cannot find anything lacking.   But I finally found peace in the fact that I don’t need an answer for everything.  It is okay for some questions to remain answered.  Acceptance is freeing!

“Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” – Rumi

If I ever choose to speak to him again I would want to say just 2 words:  Thank you!

Thank you for having the insight, wisdom and vision to let me go.  Thank you for knowing what was best for me!  Thank you for being so cold and mean in the break up, you made easier to forget you.   Thank you for not giving in to my tears and for ignoring my begging.  In doing that you showed me I deserved more.

Now I see how our fairy-tale had an expiration date.  It was amazing and then it ended.  I am happy with the beautiful memories, amazing experiences, fun times.  I am happier with the bad memories.  I am grateful for all, including for the hurt you put me through in the end.

Above all I am grateful for the lessons.  There are so many, I am still leaning from it. I wouldn’t be the amazing person I am today were not for the pain you have caused.

“If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.”  – Pema Chodron

There is love in staying together and there is love in letting go.  We both said I love you in different ways. At one point he mentioned that his life was just too complicated and would become even more so, that he wouldn’t be able to be that man I wanted and deserved.  He was right!  His life has been a total mess the past few years and I am blessed not to be involved in that.

Now as I am about to drift to sleep alone in my awesome bed I realize how blessed I am.   I see the humor in realizing that I barely remember he existed when at one point I didn’t feel I could exist without him.  Thank you for the passage of time.

The memories no longer pain me.  They console me and they show me the wisdom of God.  It shows me that acceptance and trust in a Higher wiser power is what works for me.  Trust and acceptance gives me meaning and hope.

As for Ex I wish him well.  I wish him peace and clarity.  He seemed a miracle when he came into my life and he proved a miracle when he left.

“What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle.” – Rumi

Thank you 2012 for everything! For heartaches and lessons, for friends old and new, and above all, thank you for the hope in my heart!

01 Tuesday Jan 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Thank you!  Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you 2012 for everything that you have taught me!

Thank you Ex for letting me go when I wanted to hang on!

Thank you family and old friends for always being there for me!

Thank you new friends for making me believe in the beauty of new relationships.

Thank you work for the steady paycheck.

Thank you blog for giving me an outlet for my emotions and for introducing me to great people.

Thank you readers and fellow bloggers for reading my blog, for liking it, for commenting on it, for sending me heartfelt e-mails, for becoming my new friends!

It is impossible for me not to look back and reflect upon everything that has happened in 2012.  My life is completely different from what it was in 2011.  The only constant has been my job. I feel I have lost everything else.

Is my life better or worse?  It depends at which moment you ask me.  Life is composed of good and bad moments and I live each and all to the fullest.  The bottom line is my life is exactly as it is supposed to be.  2011 was certainly the most heartbreaking year of my life.  There were many challenges and I welcome challenges!

I feel I have accomplished and overcame a lot, specially emotionally.  I could have accomplished more, but at the same time I could have curled up in a ball and fallen into a deep depression.  I could have drowned my sorrows in pounds of chocolate and gained 30 pounds, I could have fallen for the wrong guy just because I feel lonely. Yet I have done none of those things.  And for that and more I am grateful.

I have found peace, comfort and joy in accepting what the Universe has thrown at me.  I accept and cherish the present moment.  I am happy and grateful for each breath.

The main idea in 2011 was to keep mind and body busy.  I keep active with Pilates, Yoga, Zumba, and volunteering ( I have been volunteering every Saturday and I am sore for days afterwards 🙂 ).  I try to keep my mind engaged with conversations with great friends, with movies, with puzzles, with new challenges.  Still I hate to exercise, eat too much sugar and watch too much TV.  I accept myself in all my glory and flaws. I just promise myself to try to be a little better today than  I was yesterday.

In 2013 I am renewing my efforts to work harder at learning French and learning mosaic ( I found a 1 day mosaic workshop to be held in February and already signed up for it and I am able to invite someone to dinner in French – great starts)

I look at 2013 with a peaceful heart and so much hope! I know in my heart that it will be an amazing year.  After all I am blessed with a Star on the Forehead (an invisible star)

In 2010 I had my fortune read by a monk sitting next to a temple in Thailand.  Is that an acceptable thing in Buddhism? I have been always curious about that.  But anyway, the point is, he told me that I was blessed (well no news there I knew that!! Lol), but he also told me that my life will only get better and better.  Each new day will be better than the one before! Did he know what he was talking about?  Did he have psychic abilities?  Who knows and who cares!  The important thing is that I believe it to be true, and the Universe believes what I believe.

The monk forgot to mention the hardships and growing pains along the way, but those are only details.

Today I can surely look back and say that my life is infinitely better and the most important thing is I feel I continue to move in the right direction and things can only get better.

So thank you reader and friend for being a part of my Universe, for making me question myself, for giving me support, for the kind words at the right time, for having inspiring, funny and informational blogs!

May your life get better and better and may 2013 be your year to shine!

ps.  How dare I feel sorry for myself even for a second? On my way from the train station I stopped by a Brazilian restaurant, while waiting for a pastry to be fried, I noticed a man paying for a tiny piece of meat and sitting and eating that. The man looked disheveled and I thought he could have been mentally ill, but I decided to approach him anyway.  I sat at his table and asked him if I could buy him lunch. He said yes.  I was relieved that he acted normal.

I had so many emotions when I left the restaurant.  I was happy with myself for lending a hand, but still the powerlessness consumes me. I feel guilty for having had moments today of feeling sorry for myself for not having a big New Year’s Eve planned. How dare I when some don’t know where their next meal is coming from?

I know I am meant to do more, to help more.  “To whom much is given, much is expected!” Luke 14:48