accepting and moving, avoiding the inevitable, being grateful, break-up, disguised miracles, ex-boyfriend, Happier alone, he is past, looking back, miracles at every turn, the humor in the pain, trying to fix a broken relationship
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” – Lao Tzu
As I am laying in bed waiting for sleep to come, my mind went back to a sad time over 4 years ago. It was the time when my Ex and I were breaking up. (For the new readers: After thinking I was in a fairy-tale I found out my boyfriend was cheating. When I confronted him, he asked me to move out).
No, I am not still thinking of him. He is history! But tonight memories of that time came to mind. (I think it had to do with getting an email from him wishing me a good trip. His mom must have told him I was going on a skiing trip. I didn’t reply and felt indifferent about it). I see this memory not as a memory of him, but a memory of me and my feelings at a certain time.
The memory is of one night as I had my head resting against his chest as we were both going to sleep. Well, he was going to sleep… to me those nights were spent awake trying to come up with answers, trying to come up with solutions. The memory is of my heart aching. I was in pain and there was no painkiller that could stop it. I felt as if my heart was being ripped out of my chest. The knowledge, but not the acceptance, that the life as I knew it was over.
“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” – Steve Maraboli
I have my head on the chest of the man that is causing me this immense pain and still I want to do anything I can to stay with him. I wanted to know why he was doing what he was doing and how could I fix it. At that moment in time contemplating a future without him was incomprehensible. So instead of planning my solo future I was planning ways to get him back. I am trying to ignore the inevitable.
I remember trying to talk to him, trying to convince him to work on the relationship. I was doing all the talking. He was resolved and that was the end of it. I would have done anything to stay. I begged and I pleaded. I was still lying to myself hoping he would change his mind and give us a chance. Instead every time I tried he made me feel smaller and smaller.
Looking back I realized how much easier it would have been if I had just surrendered to the truth of the situation. Hindsight is indeed 20/20.
I, still after all these years, cannot find a reason on why he cheated. I cannot find anything lacking. But I finally found peace in the fact that I don’t need an answer for everything. It is okay for some questions to remain answered. Acceptance is freeing!
“Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” – Rumi
If I ever choose to speak to him again I would want to say just 2 words: Thank you!
Thank you for having the insight, wisdom and vision to let me go. Thank you for knowing what was best for me! Thank you for being so cold and mean in the break up, you made easier to forget you. Thank you for not giving in to my tears and for ignoring my begging. In doing that you showed me I deserved more.
Now I see how our fairy-tale had an expiration date. It was amazing and then it ended. I am happy with the beautiful memories, amazing experiences, fun times. I am happier with the bad memories. I am grateful for all, including for the hurt you put me through in the end.
Above all I am grateful for the lessons. There are so many, I am still leaning from it. I wouldn’t be the amazing person I am today were not for the pain you have caused.
“If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.” – Pema Chodron
There is love in staying together and there is love in letting go. We both said I love you in different ways. At one point he mentioned that his life was just too complicated and would become even more so, that he wouldn’t be able to be that man I wanted and deserved. He was right! His life has been a total mess the past few years and I am blessed not to be involved in that.
Now as I am about to drift to sleep alone in my awesome bed I realize how blessed I am. I see the humor in realizing that I barely remember he existed when at one point I didn’t feel I could exist without him. Thank you for the passage of time.
The memories no longer pain me. They console me and they show me the wisdom of God. It shows me that acceptance and trust in a Higher wiser power is what works for me. Trust and acceptance gives me meaning and hope.
As for Ex I wish him well. I wish him peace and clarity. He seemed a miracle when he came into my life and he proved a miracle when he left.
“What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle.” – Rumi