Tag Archives: blessings

Hurt people hurt people, but I don’t have to

28 Friday Feb 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

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“People of our time are losing the power of celebration. Instead of celebrating we seek to be amused or entertained. Celebration is an active state, an act of expressing reverence or appreciation. To be entertained is a passive state–it is to receive pleasure afforded by an amusing act or a spectacle…. Celebration is a confrontation, giving attention to the transcendent meaning of one’s actions.
Source: The Wisdom of Heschel”― Abraham Joshua Heschel

I woke up this morning happy as usual but with an extra spring in my step. M will be coming for dinner and movie this evening. It will be the 3 of us, including my sister. They have met each other before. Last time he dropped me off home he came up and installed a new shower head for her.

Tonight we will be celebrating his retirement from the police force. The actual date is not until June, but today it will be his last working day. He is taking 6 months off and then he will decide what to do next.

I am choosing to celebrate everything, his retirement, the weekend, good food, family and love!

We will be ordering from my favorite Italian restaurant and opening a great bottle of red wine. After dinner we will have popcorn while watching Yesterday, the movie. I predict it will be a fun night!

“I like places in which things have happened — even if they’re sad things.” ― Henry James,  The Portrait of a Lady

But, let me get back to this morning:

As I was walking through Grand Central station at 7:30am it was busy as usual. All of a sudden this guy came out of nowhere and bumped into the side of my breast and shoulder so hard that it almost knocked me off my feet. I am not sure if it was his backpack or elbow that hit me.

I turned quickly but he was moving too fast for me to see who he was. The lady behind me yelled out to him: “What a dick!!”. I am not sure if he hit her also or if she took offense to the way he bumped into me. I think it is the latter.

Please keep in mind that I bump into people and people bump into me all the time. That is what happens when you are walking in Grand Central Station at rush hour. This was not a simple bump. It felt violating and threatening.

I had no reaction other than turning around and quickly turning back and keep on moving. After all, that is the advice I gave my sister when she started working in New York City. I told her: “If someone bumps into you, don’t stop, don’t confront, keep on moving. Your life is precious to you, but they may not hold their own life in high regard.”

You never know who is mentally ill, or just ill-tempered, or looking for a fight. The amount of mentally ill people hanging around the city and the train stations have been steadily increasing. It is scary. You never know who is standing next to you.

As I continued my walk to work still feeling shocked, wronged and hurt I realized I had 2 choices. 1) I could let that incident consume me and my emotions and spoil my entire day or 2) I could shake it off and move on. I chose to move on.

“Don’t take anything Personally Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering”― Don Miguel Ruiz

I said a prayer to that person. He had issues. A) He was either in too of a hurry, with too much in his mind to even bother to slow down and say sorry or to avoid bumping into me in the first place. Or B) He chose to bump into me on purpose, which would make him a mean and miserable person.

The mean and the miserable are the ones more in need of prayers. Perhaps he has extra burdens in his life. Perhaps his mind is not all there. I am not going to pretend I know him and his life. I also don’t want to judge someone based on 1 action, but I am choosing to judge his action. It was confrontational, awful, rude,mean and painful.

This was another opportunity for me to choose love and forgiveness, not because of others but for myself. My time, heart and mind are too precious to let other occupy.

Still, God Bless him! May God lighten his load! May he see the light and choose to spread love and smiles! And thank you God for this lesson!

“Hurt people hurt people. That’s how pain patterns gets passed on, generation after generation after generation. Break the chain today. Meet anger with sympathy, contempt with compassion, cruelty with kindness. Greet grimaces with smiles. Forgive and forget about finding fault. Love is the weapon of the future.” – Yehuda Berg

The wonderful world of possibilities and anticipation!

28 Sunday Jun 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

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* “The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” ― Steve Maraboli

What I love most about life is the fact that the future is such a mysterious gift.  I continue to try to work hard, be positive, humble, grateful, pro-active and most important, to be present in the moment. I believe that if I continue to do my part the Universe will continue to bless me with miraculous rewards.

One of the most important lessons I have learned is that there is nothing to gain for beating myself up when I make a mistake.  A mistake happens, I ponder about what I could have done different, how I will handle the same situation in the future, but most important, I try to find the lesson in the mistake so I don’t repeat it again.  In my last post I spoke about the mistake of having sex with AL.

That single mistake/lesson has been a major turning point for me.  It made me realize what I really want in life as far as romantic relationships and sex.  For me platonic friends and sex is not a good combination.   AL and I continue to text and be friends.  I continue to regard him as a great friend and as someone I can count on.  I take full responsibility for that mistake and I am grateful for the part he played in helping me learn the lessons I needed to learn.

* “We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.” 

The Universe has an incredible/impeccable  timing.  Two nights after I was with AL I went on a date with someone new.  I met this guy on POF (Plenty of Fish). I will call him AS.

I decided to have a new attitude in dating now.  I will have no expectations and be open minded to everyone I meet. I will give everyone a fair chance and will try to be in the moment and already foresee the future.  I never expected that as soon as I decided to make a mental shift that I would meet someone special.

* “Your greatest self has been waiting your whole life; don’t make it wait any longer.”

I met AS at an Italian Restaurant and we decided to walk to a Vegetarian Restaurant that his sister had just visited and recommended. The food was good, but the company and conversation was exceptional. There was no lull in the conversation. He talks about the same books I have read (or meant to read :-).  He talks about Ho’oponopono (an ancient Hawaiian practice) and his experience with Shamans (spiritual healers), among many other things that not everyone is familiar with but I happen to know about it and believe in.  We are in awe of the so many things we have in common.  Our outlook in so similar, we both feel blessed and believe that the Universe conspires to bring us what we need and what we emanate.  We believe in being humble and grateful.  It feels good to talk about the things I believe in without thinking I am going to scare him or weird him out. He also loves to travel and wants to see the world – another important connection for me.

After dinner he walked me home.  In the lobby of my building he took my face in his hands, gave me a sweet peck on the lips and said he would like to see me again.  That was Wednesday night.  The next day he texted and asked me out to brunch on Sunday.

It was very hard for me to keep my excitement down.  Will a second date be equally as nice as the first or will all fall apart?

All the guys I meet end up living very far, but in this case even the logistics are perfect.  He lives 10 blocks away from where I live.  He also works 10 blocks away from my work.

The second date was even better.  We sat and talked for 3 hours.  He had to go meet friends so eventually we had to leave. Even though I live only 2 blocks away from the restaurant he said he would drive me home -I think we both wanted to spend as much time as we could together.  As we are walking to his car he asked if he could hold my hand. I said yes.  If this was any other guy I would find this request extremely corny, but with him it seemed gentle, cute and respectful.

He parked in front of my building and as I am getting ready to leap out, he said: “Hold on, let me walk you to your door” …another gentlemanly moment that makes me feel special.  At my door he says good bye with a sweet peck on my lips again as in the first date. It is amazing how sometimes times tiny gestures have a huge impact!

* “There is nothing more beautiful than seeing a person being themselves. Imagine going through your day being unapologetically you.”

I love that he seems so secure and so unhurried about things.  He was not all over me even though the chemistry and sexual tension is there.  It is as if he knows that something will happen but he realizes that waiting and taking it slow can only make it better.

He inspired me to get moving on my goals in life and to get back to reading all the personal growth and spiritual books I have on my bookshelf that I never seem able to finish.  He pursues education and self improvement with a determination I have never seen before.  Being inspired by my partner to become a better person is one of the ideas I have for the right person for me. Please don’t confuse my thinking he is perfect for me with thinking that is he is perfect.  No one is!   I also think that he could also learn from me.  I think I can have him laughing more, relaxing more.

* “If you hang out with chickens, you’re going to cluck and if you hang out with eagles, you’re going to fly.” 

As expected I have been floating on this cloud of anticipation of what it is to come (being careful not to miss the present moment).  I think anticipation is okay but expectations are bad!  Still I am trying to keep all the excitement in check as there are always all kinds of impediments in new relationships.  After all we only had 3 dates and don’t really know each other.

The third date was on Thursday night.  We had decided to play ping pong since I said that I probably could beat him at that. But I will save the details of the third for the next post in the next day or so. I feel the third date deserves its own post, as insecurities, fears and self sabotage already started rearing their ugly heads. He was away this weekend to be in wedding returning on this coming Thursday.  So I had/have plenty of time to dissect and analyze every second of this third date and all I have done wrong…yes my impatience and impulsiveness got the best of me.  Dating as an Aries is tough!

* “Do not sabotage your new relationship with your last relationship’s poison.”

What I will say for now is that it seems I met my match.  My heart is singing with the melody of possibilities.

So that things don’t seem just absolutely perfect I will venture some differences between him and I: Due to his profession he is very conscious about eating, health and the world.  He is a vegetarian that tries to stay away from sugar and other ingredients deemed unhealthy.  He is extremely book smart, serious, focused and driven.  I am a street smart, sarcastic girl that loves a good bacon cheese burger and rewards herself with sweets.  I am totally unfocused with a wandering mind that lack clear goals.  Will our optimism and eternally blessed attitude be enough to bridge this gap?

* “Stop trying to ‘fix’ yourself; you’re NOT broken! You are perfectly imperfect and powerful beyond measure.” 

* All quotes are by Steve Maraboli.  He is so inspiring!

Israel and back :-)

29 Wednesday Apr 2015

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The Jerusalem Cross

The Jerusalem Cross

I have returned from Israel a couple of days ago.  I have been trying to catch up at work while dealing with the jetlag…not fun!

The trip was incredible!  I had no expectations so everything turned out to be a welcomed surprise.  The richness and beauty of the country is overwhelming.  It will take awhile for everything to set it.

I have taken 1,000 pictures and it will take me a long time to work them in some kind of order and in an album as I was using both the phone and a camera.  Thanks to a selfie stick I was able to have tons of pictures of my mother and I together.

We went with a travel company called Gate1 and they were great.  We didn’t have to worry about anything.  The guide was very knowledgeable and provided so much information about the history, religions, geography and every other detail of the country that my head is still spinning trying to make sense of it all.

If I had one complaint it would be that it was too fast paced, but then again to be able to see and do everything we did in 7 days we had to go at full speed.

I am happy to report that my mother is doing incredibly well. It is amazing to see her recovery.  Two weeks ago when we came back from Brazil several people at the airport offered her a wheelchair as they could see she was not steady on her feet (of course she was too proud to accept it).  Two days ago when we arrived from Israel she was walking faster than I was.

I am still trying to absorb all we did and saw.  This tour was geared towards Christians, it was called “Journey of the Believer”, so anywhere Jesus went, we went.  I am more spiritual than religious, but I am able to appreciate the meaning and the enormity of being able to see and be in all those sites.  I am also able to realize how blessed I am to be able to experience this trip with my mother.  Three weeks ago we didn’t know if my mother would be able to travel to NY, now she has traveled here to NY and to Israel and back and she is doing fine, it is certainly a miracle in my eyes.

When things get under control at work I will be posting some pictures and more details about the trip, for now I am just saying hi and updating on my mother’s health.

Thank you all for the prayers and good wishes!  I continue to be extraordinarily blessed and grateful!

“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Learning acceptance kicking and screaming!

04 Saturday Apr 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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I am right now sitting at terminal 38 at JFK airport waiting to board a flight to Brazil. This post will be extremely short as it is a major pain to type on a tiny tablet.
Arghhhh I am about to start pulling my hair out…oops, just realized I am sounding and acting like a spoiled teenager – ugly!!!!!!!
Summarizing:
• going to Brazil to visit family and get my Mom
• Mom has been sick so we hope the doctor clears her to travel.
• We are supposed to come back from Brazil in one week, spend 5 days in NY then travel to Israel
• All is in the air now depending on tests and test results.

The last few days/weeks have been very challenging:
• Buying a larger apartment
• Finding a tenant for smaller apartment
• booking the trip to Brazil and to Israel for mom and I
• having a birthday. Tuning 49 is no picnic. There was this sense of finality, finity and finitude (are these all the same? I just want to make sure you get my feeling that life is almost over!
• severing ties with a friend (will write about it as it is painful and I still working on this pain and other feelings.
•but worst of it all was my mom getting ill!! There is this sense of powerlessness, lack of control over anything. Being far doesn’t help!

This is another chance to practice acceptance. Another great chance to show how much I believe in God and the Universe.
I am in control of nothing, absolutely nothing. The moment I understand and acceptance this one fact is the moment fear and worry release its grip on me.
Another chance to work on my feelings, reactions and over-reactions.
Another chance to show gratitude for all the blessings already received.

As long as I do 100% as a daughter, as a human being, as long as I honor and respect people and nature, as long as I have a grateful heart I am will be okay no matter what.
My prayer continues to be for guidance, acceptance and strength!
Dear God, don’t give me what I want, give me what I need and the tools to deal with it!

A wonderful Easter to All! Thank you for being there – that knowledge alone comforts me!

The Guardian Angel Act!

19 Thursday Mar 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” ― Rumi

This post was going to be called “Disappearing Act” but I already have a post with that name plus I believe this disappearance act is the act of my very astute Guardian Angel.

Do you remember the drug guy that became my friend, the one I spoke about a couple of posts ago? He totally fell off the face of earth, or so it seems.

It is all very odd.  We had been talking on the phone and texting every single day.  In our very last texting exchange we were joking, talking about my new tenant and also making plans to have buffalo chicken wings.  I had mentioned that he should search for the best place to have wings and it would be my treat since he had been treating me to dinner/drinks every time we saw each other so I thought it should be my turn.

Then there is just silence, no text, no phone call, nothing.  We never had any disagreements and even the drug issue was really a non-issue.  I said my part he said his and we were past that as if it never happened.  We had become close fast friends, one of those very easy friendships.

“Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.” ― Deborah Reber

In the past I would have created crazy scenarios in my mind such as him being involved in some kind of accident, or perhaps losing his phone and not being able to contact me.  In the past I would have texted and called to see if he was okay and alive, but I don’t do that anymore.   In the past when I contacted a new friend or date that had gone silent they normally would say they had been busy or something like and then go silent again.

Now I choose non-reaction and acceptance.  I am only human, so of course I am curious about what happened, but not enough to contact him. I have also been so busy with my moving apartments that only now I have the time to think and write about it.

I feel my life is an open book; my presence is optional, whoever wants to stay, stay, whoever wants to leave, leave. No questions asked.  No pressure, no commitment.  Of course there is something called courtesy, and treating others politely, I do it but not everyone chooses to do it.  I like to be upfront, if I don’t want to see someone again I say so.  I choose honesty but it is up to each one of us to do as we please.

“The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.” ― Stephanie Perkins

When I say this disappearance is the act of my guardian angel is because unexplainable events such as this to me have deeper meaning.  They are small miracles, they are God’s sign of which direction I should be going, or going a step further,  it is God forcing my hand and choosing the right direction for me.

I had been ambivalent from the beginning if I should continue a friendship with him or not.  While I am totally against any use of drugs in my life I like to be non-judgmental.  I like to be open to friendships with people from all walks of life.  I am an all-opportunity friend.  We never know who will be the vessel for the next lesson, who will be the source of the next smile and the next comforting word.  I also think I am not above people; I am not perfect, I am not better than my fellow human being just because I say no to drugs.  I believe people are put on our path for different reasons.  He had a reason to come into my life.  Perhaps he was a test.  Perhaps he was a wakeup call.  Perhaps he was a reminder of what I should be doing.  Perhaps he is teaching me the joy of being able to accept people as they are and also to learn to let them go when they choose to leave. I don’t have to know the reason for his appearance in my life right now, I just need to be aware of it.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ― Lao Tzu

Perhaps my guardian angel realized we were getting too close and the friendship could have become something else, something that would not be good for me in the long run.  It is so freeing when one learns acceptance.  I am writing about it now not because it still bothers me but because I am proud and happy of how I am handling it and how unaffected by it I am.

I would not change anything about meeting him, about saying no to his offer of fun, about continuing to seeing him and of now accepting his disappearance.  Life is better when it is easy.  Friendships are better when are free from entanglements and pressure.  I am not saying that my life is a revolving door one gets to come and go as one pleases.  You get to go any time you choose but allowing entrance back is another story!  I don’t believe in burning bridges but I believe some deserve to be totally imploded, not only the bridge but the roads leading to it.  Some things are best left in the past so that we can embrace our future.

Thank you my angels for showing me the wise way, for making me realize that trying to build something solid on shaky ground would never work. I bow to your infinite knowledge and protection.  I am blessed and I know it!

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” ― Steve Maraboli

I Float!

08 Thursday Jan 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body.” ― Seneca

Happiness is not the absence of problems.  Happiness is how you deal with the problems you encounter.

I saw a poster the other day that said:  “If you stop struggling, you float”.  It really resonated with me.  I have been struggling instead of floating lately.  I have been encountering many problems and with each I near that one moment where despair sets in and all seems beyond repair, when it feels nothing is going right.

I realize that my faith is being tested. My very positive self is being put to a test. Even though I am very positive I realize there is still room for improvement.

So I have been making a very conscious effort to change how I deal with problems in my life.  I no longer try to immediately attack it aiming for results without any thought or regard to my actions.  I no longer react without pause and careful consideration.  I also no longer try to slam the door on a problem pretending that it doesn’t exist and hoping it will go away – I call that the Brazilian way, but it is extremely ineffective! Instead I am opening the door and inviting the problems in.  We sit, we talk, we arrive to conclusions.  I am choosing to treat it as a friend and in turn it does become my friend.  It no longer has control over me.  It is no longer my enemy, it has now become my ally.

When I don’t react, when I take the time to look at a problem with comprehension and not anger, everything changes.  I end up realizing that the problem is not as big as it originally appeared.

The moment I embrace it, it eases up on me.  I am no longer scared to the point of despair or paralysis.  I look into its eye and what I see is not this enemy trying to destroy me, instead it is a patient teacher, a caring mentor.  It is not here to hurt me or cause me pain.  Pain and hurt are mere conduits, mere distractions, just steps necessary in my ascendance to a better place.

Problems have a mission in our lives and their mission is to mold us into a better and stronger person.  We can either accept that or fight it.  Accepting makes the road much easier.

“Being challenged in life is inevitable, being defeated is optional.” ― Roger Crawford

Welcoming problems as lessons, teachers, opportunities, etc changes the whole dynamic. This one little shift in attitude, welcoming problems instead of fighting them, is making a dramatic improvement in my life.  I now see it a chance for me to grow and shine.  The bigger the problem I am facing the greater the chance, and the bigger the reward at the end.  I get to analyze the situation, I get to make choices.

In 2015 I am inviting to sit at my table all my friends that go by different names such as trouble, problems, mistakes, challenges, curve balls, hurdles, obstacles, etc.  Once they are welcomed in they become opportunities, goals, lessons, growth, steps, acceptance, maturity, tests of faith, etc.

They are already a part of my life anyway, but now they are recognized and treated as guests.  Problems used to make me feel out of control and totally at the mercy of others, now we co-exist in harmony.

“The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it.” ― Molière

Inviting problems to my dinner table is my idea of floating, of making peace with that that robs my sanity, and drives me to reach for food as solace. Nothing like a problem to kick my emotional hunger in high gear.

I could go and hide my face in a slice of chocolate cake, or I could become paralyzed with fear, but eventually I have to deal with whatever problems life throws at me.  How I look at it makes a world of difference.

I think there is always a problem before a big miracle.  There is always a test, a roadblock to test our resolve.  So now I see a problem for what it is: the appetizer that doesn’t taste so good before a meal that is going to be amazing. So, no need to despair just work on the problem and move on to bigger and better things.

My 2 main points here are: 1) Problems are good, accept it! and 2) We are in charge, but not alone!

We are in control, as far as anyone can be actually in control of anything 🙂 We have a choice.  We can control how we perceive and react to a problem.  I choose to be the driver and not the passenger in this road trip.  I want to make my own way and not crumple at the sight of a little inconvenience. How one deal with problems separate the victims from the survivors, from the heroes. I was never a victim and don’t plan on starting now.

Why should I be deserving of rewards and miracles when at any minor inconvenience I throw in the towel, I despair? What does that say about me and my faith?  I need to remember that I am never alone and for whatever problem I face there is always a solution.  A problem presents itself but so does a solution.

Accepting that problems will happen, understanding that they are here to make me a better person, and knowing that I am never alone, helps me to deal with the dark moment and not over dramatize anything and make mountains out of molehills.

Problems also have an incredible way of teaching gratitude.  Gratitude for so many days without any problems and gratitude for the solution that is always there!

All of a sudden life is lighter, even though this evening had me face a problem that I had already spent money last week to solve.  Oh well, I marvel at the hidden reward of a returning problem. Did I miss the lesson the first time around?

I am done struggling! Now I float…and it feels divine!  Try it!

 “You will face your greatest opposition when you are closest to your biggest miracle.” ― Shannon L. Alder

A million thanks to you- my reader, my teacher, my therapist, my friend!

31 Wednesday Dec 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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My Sky

I am feeling so blessed and so incredibly happy!  Life is indeed an adventure and I am so excited for every morning’s new breath and the chance to create the best day that I can.

I am thankful for the bursts of miracles throughout the day.  Miracles are everywhere if you just take a second to see them.  I am thankful for the many challenges I had in 2014.  I triumphed! As I am writing this I am facing 2 stressful situations, I am choosing to stare them in the face and say: bring it on!

On the rare instance I feel discouraged I think: With God, the Universe, the Light, my Guardian Angels, my mother’s prayers, etc, all on my side, what have I got to fear or worry about? At that moment I laugh to myself at the silliness of my worry.

I feel I have so much to say/to write but so short on time.  I just didn’t want 2014 to go by without expressing my gratitude to you.  I thank you for stopping by, for liking my posts, for commenting on them.  I thank you for agreeing with me and even more for disagreeing with me! You have provided me with feedback, insight, information, inspiration, advice and above all acceptance.

I thank you for the smiles, hugs and love! I am here to say that there is nothing virtual about them – they are felt!  They make me feel warm inside just like a cup of hot chocolate on a cold day. They make my heart sing a song of joy!

You make me want to be a better person! You keep me accountable!

I read this quote this morning and I think it will be perfect for me in 2015, so I am passing it along to you:

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.

So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.” ― Neil Gaiman

Wishing you all an amazing 2015!  May you realize that challenges are opportunities and that mistakes are necessary.  May you wake up every morning with a smile, even if you have to force it.  May you stare fear in the face and at the end of the day smile at the mirror realizing you are much stronger that you thought you were.

2015 is here, what are going to do with it? Life is short, moments are fleeting – live it up!

 

From feeling down to celebrating in just a couple of hours!!

02 Tuesday Sep 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“At the end of the day, let there be no excuses, no explanations, no regrets.” ― Steve Maraboli

I was feeling pretty low today.  There was no apparent reason.   All of a sudden is Monday, I don’t have to go to work and I have nothing planned.  I just didn’t know what to do with myself.

I had a pretty good weekend with a date on Friday, getting a lot accomplished on Saturday and spending the day at the US Open Tennis on Sunday (with friends from Philadelphia).

Then I wake up today, I have nothing planned and I am lost.

I took my time with breakfast, then did 30 minutes on my elliptical and I am still feeling at a loss at what to do next.  Nothing seemed appealing and I continue to slip further down the miserable path.  Clearly it seems to me that I have 2 choices, be miserable and start enumerating all that is wrong with me or get up and move and think of all my blessings.

It is clear that there is only one right choice, so I decided to feel blessed and snap out of it.

“Do it badly; do it slowly; do it fearfully; do it any way you have to, but do it.” ― Steve Chandler

I decided that this is the perfect moment to do what I have been planning on forever but never do: visit my building’s gym.  I haven’t been there in more than a year, perhaps even 2 years. No, I am not proud of that fact, but I am also not going to beat myself up over that.

What I should have done or not done in the past is not important.  What is important is what I do from this moment on.

I walked in and I smell, not sweat, but newness and it feels awesome.  It felt great being there and I wondered why I had been away for so long.  I spent 30 minutes on the bike and another 30 minutes at the weight machines.  I know it is is not a lot, but it felt like a huge accomplishment to me.  Also I wanted to be cautious about my hip and not overdo it.

Feeling victorious I came back and decided that I was deserving of making a celebratory cake. Ok, ok, it is not a celebratory cake but I have been wanting to make a coconut pound cake forever and decided today is a great day for it.  (so I am turning the oven on in one of the hottest days of the year, but that is a minor detail)

I also don’t see this cake as defeating the purpose of the gym. To me this cake and the gym are the same thing.  They are both accomplishments that make me feel good about myself and two things to be done in moderation.

And here is the result of my baking effort:

Delicious Coconut Pound Cake

Delicious Coconut Pound Cake

Coconut Cake Slice

It is absolutely delicious!

Where is my baby?

12 Monday May 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” ― Abraham Lincoln

I wish all the mothers out there a wonderful Mother’s Day! May your patience be rewarded!

On dates such as this I remember how blessed I am to have my mother. I am grateful for her and for still having her around. It is not a perfect relationship, we have issues as all families do, but we love each other and we are always there for each other.

But I must confess, there is nothing like Mother’s Day to highlight that I am childless. It seems my life has skipped a whole section, the section where I get married and raise kids. Where is the cute baby that should be in my arms? Where is the trouble making teenager that I need to discipline?

oh well, I never really heard my biological clock ticking, it is just that every now and then the idea of a baby pops up in my mind. There is no regret, just the feeling that perhaps I am missing something. I always wanted to adopt. I talk about that since I was 10 years old. As I got older I thought I would have a partner that would adopt with me.  To adopt a child alone doesn’t seem fair to the child, specially since I would have to continue to work and leave the child in daycare.  In which case,  what would be the point of adopting a child to leave him/her for others to raise?

I am happy to say that the childless feeling doesn’t last for more than a couple of minutes. It is replaced by this certainty that God has a plan and that everything is as it should be.  All I need to do is look at all the blessings in my life to realize how truly blessed I am.  I am following the path I was intended to follow. Always learning, always growing!

“You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestation of your own blessings.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert

The joys of returning home and being aware of my flaws!

16 Wednesday Oct 2013

Posted by in Daily Life

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“Every traveler has a home of his own, and he learns to appreciate it the more from his wandering.” ― Charles Dickens

I am back!! And happy to be back!

I love going away, but I love returning home even more. I love getting back to my routine, going to work, feeling like a productive member of society. I have been living in the USA for almost 30 years. I love Brazil, but US feels more like home by now. I don’t tell anyone this, but I feel a bit out of place in Brazil. It is not a matter of liking here better, is a matter of being more comfortable here – of knowing what to do and how to behave.

I had fun in Brazil; I did nothing and overindulged in sweets. I probably gained 10 pounds – no kidding! The cakes in Brazil are to die for (well, literally if you overindulge hahaha). Condensed milk and heavy cream are present in almost every dessert.

There was a major miracle during my stay there. For the first time in ages my father agreed to go to a restaurant with us. He never liked going out to eat much, or going out for any social reason for that matter. After one of his legs was amputated (a combination of cancer and diabetes) he has become even more of a homebody, mostly enjoying staying in and watching sports. We try to get him to go out but we don’t bother him too much, we are just extremely happy that is still alive and with us after the cancer scare. So when my mother said to him: “on Saturday we are going to eat at Casa Geraldo”, a winery and restaurant in the country side, we were all surprised, well, actually shocked, when he agreed. We were all expecting to hear all the excuses that he normally uses not to go. I was sure he was just changing his tactics and at last minute would choose to stay home. But surprise, surprise, there was no mind changing at the last minute.  We all went and had an awesome time.

Yummy food, beautiful place, great wine! Here is to people changing old habits and trying new things. Here is to open mind and open hearts! So much fun, I cannot wait to return: http://casageraldo.com.br/site/?page_id=10

Mom has come back to the US with me. She will stay for one month and drive me nuts by trying to over-feed me. Since Mom is here this will be the month of casinos, shopping, Chinese food and homemade treats!!

While in Brazil I had a minor disagreement with my sister and last night when my head hit the pillow I had a revelation. I realized that I am oftentimes (and this very evening) guilty of what I was blaming her. It is indeed true that we are normally guilty of having the very same traits that we mostly dislike on people. I am guilty of harping on a subject when nothing will be accomplished by my doing that, of not letting something go, of not letting sleeping dogs lie! I did that last night to mom and later was sorry for having acted that way. So last night in my prayers I not only thanked God for all my blessings but I asked for calm, sensibility and the ability to realize when I need to let a subject drop. And of course I asked for forgiveness.

Always when returning from a trip I come back renewed and refreshed with new ideas and the motivation to start new projects and continue old ones.  So here is to new beginnings and completion of goals. May this new motivation stay and not fall by the wayside.

“Rushing into action, you fail.
Trying to grasp things, you lose them.
Forcing a project to completion,
you ruin what was almost ripe.

Therefore the Master takes action
by letting things take their course.
He remains as calm at the end 
as at the beginning.
He has nothing,
thus has nothing to lose.
What he desires is non-desire;
what he learns is to unlearn.
He simply reminds people
of who they have always been.
He cares about nothing but the Tao.
Thus he can care for all things.” 
― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching