Tag Archives: new beginnings

Making a match and making mosaics

25 Saturday Jan 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.”― Jonathan Carroll, Outside The Dog Museum

While this budding romance continues to bud I enjoy reading everything about the pairing of Aries (me) and Cancer (he) and also Horse (me) and Rabbit (he).  According to both Western and Chinese Zodiacs this is not a match made in heaven.  Some sites say that it is the worst match of the zodiac.

I wish it would say the opposite but then again nothing that is too easy is worth it.  A romance against all odds (Zodiac or otherwise) makes it for a better romance. Apparently I am too aggressive and he is too sensitive, can we bridge that gap? I am up for the challenge.

We text once or twice a day and speak on the phone every night.  It feels right, even though it is so early in the game.

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”― Carl Gustav Jung

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“Creativity takes courage. ”― Henri Matisse

I started my mosaic class/workshop last Tuesday. There were 4 other women of various ages plus the instructor sitting around a table.  Each one works on a project of their choice. The instructor provides the space, supplies and of course instruction.

I am making the Brazilian flag on the top of a folding table.  I am kicking myself now for not taking pictures before I started.  I will try to remember to take pictures next time so I can show the progress.

I am so excited about finding this studio and getting back to this craft that I love. I am not creative at all so this is a way to get those nonexistent juices flowing.

All the women there were so welcoming and friendly I felt like I was among friends.  I am looking forward to going back to finish my project and to see them.

“Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.”― Pablo Picasso

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Out with the Old, In with the New

28 Wednesday Jun 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Sister: Things continue to be a tad crazy for me, with lots to do at work and adjusting to having my sister at home with me. I was unsettled having to live with my sister after 33 years living apart, but we are doing fine and becoming closer than ever.  I can’t wait to see what the future holds for her here in the USA.

The widower from previous posts: He disappeared. He mentioned being busy getting ready to send his daughter to camp in July, but I never heard from him again since a last text I sent on June 11.

He is still mourning his wife and not ready to move on. Perhaps the reason he disappeared was that he met someone else. I just wish people would be honest and just say something and not disappear.

The classic car: When the ex and I broke up (over 5 years ago) he gave me his 1987 560SL car since I had sold mine to move in with him. 

Now that I bought a new car I decided to sell that car even though I really loved it and wish I could keep it.  It is just not practical to pay storage fees and insurance on car I never use.

Yesterday I got an email from the ex. He must have heard from his mother that I am selling it and he asked to buy it back. At first I thought about ignoring it. Then I just replied: Make me an offer. It seemed fitting that it should go back to the original owner.

He replied with a stupid offer of $5,000.00. According to my mechanic the car is worth from $15,000 to 18,000.00. I would be okay with $10,000, which would cover all the repairs I had to make on the car. Even more infuriating than the low offer was the email. He went on and on about the fact that he gave me the car, making it seem he gave it to me out of the goodness of his heart when the truth is he just wanted me out of his life and would have done anything. And perhaps out of guilt for having cheated on me. He also mentioned that my life continued to be successful while his are in shambles. To tell him that one reaps what one sows would be stating the obvious.

I didn’t reply yet. My Mom and my sister both agreed that I should just give the car back and get rid of him and anything of his for good.  After I got over the anger I am actually leaning towards their suggestion.

Is it or isn’t it:  Sometimes there are major shifts in life and it seems my life is going through a major shift. I feel so much goodness in the air.  It seems like a time to get rid of the old, old clothes, old ideas, old energy and embrace the new.

At this exact moment in time someone came into my life that seems too perfect to be true. I am so excited that it is hard for me to keep level headed. I try to remind myself  that I have been excited over what turned out to be nothing in the past, but this seems so different, so right.  So, once again, here am I daring to believe, daring to dream.

My next post will be about him so stay tuned.

He sent me this poem by Goethe that I just love!

“Tell a wise person, or else keep silent,
because the mass man will mock it right away.
I praise what is truly alive,
what longs to be burned to death.

In the calm water of the love-nights,
where you were begotten, where you have begotten,
a strange feeling comes over you,
when you see the silent candle burning.

Now you are no longer caught
in the obsession with darkness,
and a desire for higher love-making
sweeps you upward.

Distance does not make you falter.
Now, arriving in magic, flying,
and finally, insane for the light,
you are the butterfly and you are gone.

And so long as you haven’t experienced 
this: to die and so to grow,
you are only a troubled guest
on the dark earth.”  – Johann Woldgang von Goethe

 

New Year, Time to Renew and Redo

02 Monday Jan 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language
And next year’s words await another voice.”  – T.S.Elliot

Now is about the time that I would stop and take account of the year that has passed.  I would pat myself on the back for the things I had accomplished and I would be mad at myself for the things that I had failed to do.  I am not doing that this time.

I don’t really care, the past is gone and I cannot change it, so there is no point in beating myself up over what has gone wrong.   As far as congratulating myself for what has gone right at this point would just make me rest on my laurels. And I feel I have been resting on my laurels way too much and for too long.

I am making peace with 2016 by understanding that I did the best that I could with the tools I had at that moment.  Perhaps I was lazy and complacent, but that it is what it is, it is done!

What I want to do today is embrace my future!  Time is such a precious commodity.  The time we have is limited and we never know when our expiration date is, so I need to stopping wasting time.

What does 2017 hold for me?  That is not the right question.  The right question is what do I hold for 2017?  How am I going to honor 2017?  How am I going to make it the best year yet?

What do I want in 2017?  And, most importantly, what are the sacrifices I am willing to make to get there?  Yes you heard me right, sacrifices!  I believe that every reward, every goal, every achievement involves some sort of sacrifice.  Without sacrifice there is no reward.  There are small sacrifices and there are huge sacrifices but there is always a price to pay.

Perhaps is sacrificing time with the family, perhaps is letting go of desserts for awhile, perhaps is devoting an extra hour to reading and education.  Perhaps is not contacting a person that is toxic to us.   Whatever it is I want to achieve it will involve my dedicating time, effort and energy.

I am successful, well perhaps your definition of success is different than mine.  To me success doesn’t mean money or material things.  To me success is going after what you want and achieving it.  I have done that and for every achievement there were sacrifices.

In 2017 I decide to sacrifice more, which, actually when one looks at it perhaps sacrifice is not the right word.  The right word is investment .  How much (energy, time, effort, etc) am I willing to invest?

What I know for sure is that continuing to do the exact same things I have been doing day in and day out will not achieve the results I want. I have to put in the effort, I have to let the Universe know that I mean business, that I am not just daydreaming.

I need to decide what I really want.   I need to write my plans down.  Get them out of my head and into paper and into life. What I am willing to do to get things done?  What are the fears I am willing to face?  What comforts and security am I willing to to let go to bring me closer to my goals?

Still I need to be mindful of the realities of life.  There will be things I have to do and there will be things I want to do.  Managing those 2 will be the key.  There are tons of dreams: more travel, more skiing, more culture, etc.   Then there are the realities: bills to pay, family to take care of, a job to worry about,etc.

‘Do more, talk less” will be my motto for 2017!  Writing more will be one of the things I will be trying to accomplish, not only writing here but also work on things such as short stories and such.

I am not going to waste time talking about losing weight or getting in shape.  I spent 2016 talking about it but not changing a thing.  There is no surprise that there were no results. My promise to myself is to try to respect more my body and treat it better.

I am going to take steps to expand, mind, social life, etc.  The idea is to expand my mind, my heart and emit positive energy and attract the same.  I want to make better choices of the people I surround myself with, books I read, films I watch.  Those are the foods for my soul and mind and I want to stop consuming garbage.

Online dating will continue full-force, not only as a tool to find a partner but a tool to know myself and learn about others.  Online dating means HOPE, it means that I still believe and I am still willing to put myself out there and try!

But above all in 2017 I want to make tons of mistakes, I want to do more, fall more and get up more.  I don’t want to play it safe.  I don’t want to be stationary.  I want to grow.  Similar to skiing, in life, if one is not falling, one is not learning!

My hope for you, as well as for me, is that we have the strength to make the changes we need to make in our lives.

“Cutting out drama… Healthy mind and body choices… Intent followed by action… Keeping real friends and letting go of the pretends… Livin’ clean for Twenty Seventeen!” – Steve Maraboli

 

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Same old story with same old ending

19 Monday Dec 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

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“I keep turning over new leaves, and spoiling them, as I used to spoil my copybooks; and I make so many beginnings there never will be an end. (Jo March)”  -louisa May Alcott

The snow on Saturday was a reminder that skiing season is here and I need to start planning my skiing vacation.

I thought about skipping skiing this season. I am out of shape and have all sorts of pain in my hip and back.  Also once again I will be traveling alone.

For a second I become sad and negative. I alternate between feeling like a victim and feeling like the perpetrator.

I am beating myself up for having had an entire year to get in shape and done nothing about it.  I had an entire year to go back to the doctor regarding my hip. One whole year to eat a little less sugar and carbohydrates.  One whole year to improve physically.  I didn’t any of it.

I had one whole year of meeting nice guys (ok some jerks too), and turned them all away.  I am mad at myself for saying no to perfectly good guys. I could have a skiing companion if I had not been so picky, if I had not been holding out for fireworks.

I am berating myself for being in this same situation yet again. Another year come and gone, and the same situation remains.  I have no one to blame but myself.  Should I just skip skiing this winter?

Will blaming myself accomplish anything?That is a resounding NO!  I realize, quick enough, that being down on myself, yelling at myself will not accomplish anything. It will only put me in a negative, pessimistic mental state. There is nothing to gain with that. It will only make matters worst.

These thoughts are not helping.  I am sending the Universe the wrong message.  These negative conversations with myself, these berating of myself only creates more negativity and powerlessness.

Thinking that I have to be in shape and have to have company to go skiing is the wrong way of thinking. Waiting for someone or waiting to be at a certain level to start doing something you love  is counter effective and the best way to never do anything at all.

So, this year again, I will do what I do every time. I will go skiing alone and not in good shape.  And I am willing to bet I will have the best time ever, as I always do.

I will stand at the top of the mountain, feeling blessed and grateful realizing the beauty of nature and the blessings of God.  I will feel invincible and humble at the same time.

I will come back with plans of getting in a better shape for next time.

I cannot do anything about the year that is ending.   All I can do is to start now and promise myself I will try harder and never give up.  It doesn’t matter if I take steps back or even remain stationary, the key is to love and be kind to myself and to know I am a work in progress and I can always change.

Here is to new beginnings, re-beginnings, planning new beginnings!  Here is loving myself and being kind to myself, skinny or fat.

“Great things happen to those who don’t stop believing, trying, learning, and being grateful.” ― Roy T. Bennett 

Bye 2013, Welcome 2014!

31 Tuesday Dec 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“Love is the absence of judgment.” ― Dalai Lama XIV

I was going to write a year-end balance of my life.  I was going to illustrate how far I have come and where I want to go.  The truth is it doesn’t matter!  What is important is that I continue growing, improving, facing old fears, charting new courses, moving always.  One foot in front of the other, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, but always taking a next step.

Coming very far just shows me that I have so much more to go and do.  Same with knowledge, but it is better to know than live in blissful ignorance.  Knowledge is power!

“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” ― Socrates

My wish for myself and for the world in 2014:  More acceptance and less control and judgment.

“Whenever you feel like criticizing any one…just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald

I realized that my wanting to improve myself and the world around me, even though it a good thing, it was becoming a tad too controlling and self-important.  I was trying to control my surroundings.  I was passing judgment and I was not accepting of people’s difference of opinion.  I was feeling a little too self-important, like I have the knowledge and if people can only do as I say and follow my lead all would be fine.  Where is the respect for other people’s free will?

We all have our roads to travel, our crosses to bear, I have no right to interfere.   Even if asked, I should refrain from opining.  I don’t have all the answers.  Actually, even worst, I don’t even have all the questions.

“Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.” ― Paulo Coelho

So in 2014 I will watch for the times that I am passing judgment, for the times that I am trying to exercise control of something or situation.  I will accept more and do less (less manipulating and controlling).  I will refrain from giving advice.  I will allow nature to take its course without my constant need to guide the destiny.  Less reaction, less meddling, more acceptance and understanding!

Every single one of you are important to me and a part of my journey. For that I feel blessed and I am grateful! A wondrous and blessed 2014 to All!

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ― Lao Tzu

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The joys of returning home and being aware of my flaws!

16 Wednesday Oct 2013

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“Every traveler has a home of his own, and he learns to appreciate it the more from his wandering.” ― Charles Dickens

I am back!! And happy to be back!

I love going away, but I love returning home even more. I love getting back to my routine, going to work, feeling like a productive member of society. I have been living in the USA for almost 30 years. I love Brazil, but US feels more like home by now. I don’t tell anyone this, but I feel a bit out of place in Brazil. It is not a matter of liking here better, is a matter of being more comfortable here – of knowing what to do and how to behave.

I had fun in Brazil; I did nothing and overindulged in sweets. I probably gained 10 pounds – no kidding! The cakes in Brazil are to die for (well, literally if you overindulge hahaha). Condensed milk and heavy cream are present in almost every dessert.

There was a major miracle during my stay there. For the first time in ages my father agreed to go to a restaurant with us. He never liked going out to eat much, or going out for any social reason for that matter. After one of his legs was amputated (a combination of cancer and diabetes) he has become even more of a homebody, mostly enjoying staying in and watching sports. We try to get him to go out but we don’t bother him too much, we are just extremely happy that is still alive and with us after the cancer scare. So when my mother said to him: “on Saturday we are going to eat at Casa Geraldo”, a winery and restaurant in the country side, we were all surprised, well, actually shocked, when he agreed. We were all expecting to hear all the excuses that he normally uses not to go. I was sure he was just changing his tactics and at last minute would choose to stay home. But surprise, surprise, there was no mind changing at the last minute.  We all went and had an awesome time.

Yummy food, beautiful place, great wine! Here is to people changing old habits and trying new things. Here is to open mind and open hearts! So much fun, I cannot wait to return: http://casageraldo.com.br/site/?page_id=10

Mom has come back to the US with me. She will stay for one month and drive me nuts by trying to over-feed me. Since Mom is here this will be the month of casinos, shopping, Chinese food and homemade treats!!

While in Brazil I had a minor disagreement with my sister and last night when my head hit the pillow I had a revelation. I realized that I am oftentimes (and this very evening) guilty of what I was blaming her. It is indeed true that we are normally guilty of having the very same traits that we mostly dislike on people. I am guilty of harping on a subject when nothing will be accomplished by my doing that, of not letting something go, of not letting sleeping dogs lie! I did that last night to mom and later was sorry for having acted that way. So last night in my prayers I not only thanked God for all my blessings but I asked for calm, sensibility and the ability to realize when I need to let a subject drop. And of course I asked for forgiveness.

Always when returning from a trip I come back renewed and refreshed with new ideas and the motivation to start new projects and continue old ones.  So here is to new beginnings and completion of goals. May this new motivation stay and not fall by the wayside.

“Rushing into action, you fail.
Trying to grasp things, you lose them.
Forcing a project to completion,
you ruin what was almost ripe.

Therefore the Master takes action
by letting things take their course.
He remains as calm at the end 
as at the beginning.
He has nothing,
thus has nothing to lose.
What he desires is non-desire;
what he learns is to unlearn.
He simply reminds people
of who they have always been.
He cares about nothing but the Tao.
Thus he can care for all things.” 
― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

… letting my heart be my guide…

19 Tuesday Jun 2012

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To the one that moves me:

Yesterday I didn’t know you existed.  Today I would miss you if you were gone!  I would miss your words, your voice and your laughter.  I would miss what you do to my mind, heart and body. I would miss the possibilities and the anticipation.

And yet our bodies never touched.

Your words slowly moved in. With each word I saw you, with each word I knew you.  My heart and my mind began slow dancing to “what ifs”.

You have all the things I appreciate in a man: you see the humor in life, you have a honest heart, you have been hurt in your past,  you are happy in your present, and you have hope for your future.  You take being a father seriously and you are a grateful son!

You took the first step and my heart sang the beginning notes of a love affair! I welcomed you with open arms.

While I throw caution to the wind and jump in head first (not taking time to check if this is perhaps another shallow pool), you are afraid of getting wet.

You are conflicted.  You wrestle with thoughts such as: Too soon?  Too fast?  Too far? You fear getting hurt again.  We both have been hurt before, more times than we care to count.  You contemplate not trying again. To me not trying is a sin!

I cannot deny that it is indeed too soon, it is too fast and it is too far.  But who gets to decide when the time is right, at what pace to go and what is the correct distance?    I don’t know what this is either.  I just know it feels too good to not try!

I cannot say it is going to work, I cannot say it will last. But not matter if it is a day or a year I plan on showing 100% and giving my all. If my heart gets broken again, so be it! I am not afraid! Never was, never will be!  I don’t know how to pace myself; I don’t know how to lower the speed.  Perhaps time to learn and change? I can’t!  I don’t know how! I don’t want to! I rather live and die being me! Showing up in full and hurting completely!

I see beauty and opportunity in the different, the unexpected, the not so safe, and the not so sure.  I enjoy proving people wrong or getting hurt in the process.  My ego wears armor.   I enjoy honoring my feelings.  I enjoy love affairs with the unlovable!  What is the virtue in loving the easy, pretty, safe right across the street?

I don’t want safe and proper! I want to take chances.  I don’t regret failing, I regret not trying!

You gave my mind flight, you gave my heart fancy, and you give my body feelings that still linger in the next morning.

What if this is all it is? What if there is not forever? What if this never gets out of the gate, what if never leaves the starting line? Still I would think it was all worth, for you pulled me out of the dead calm, out of the pained soul, out of just being and brought me back to life.  Out of arid land you made me flourish once again. You were necessary to me; you were a wakeup call! You repaired my heart, you melted my soul, and you made my juices flow. So take a moment now and take a bow!

I plan on no holds barred fun. I plan on being the ride of your life!

For the duration I plan on showing up in full, bare body and soul.  I promise complete honesty, even if it hurts.   I plan on transparency.  I plan on placing my heart in your hands!

BUT,

Ignore all I wrote up to now! I didn’t come here to try to make up your mind! I didn’t come here to plead my case!

Don’t worry about hurting me. I realize that I am the only that can do that.  I am stronger and taking full control and responsability for my feelings and how I react to other’s role in my life.

I am here to say that whatever you do, whatever you choose you have my blessing.  If you follow your heart or your mind, that is completely up to you.  As a friend I am supporting whatever path you take!

What is important is that you look in the mirror and is proud of the person you see! What is important is that you make a choice based on your convictions and your God.

At the end of the day you have to make sure that you honored your feelings and that you were true to yourself!

Just don’t be afraid of living! Because that would be a real shame!

… And if we never meet I plan on treasuring all the images and possibilities my mind created and move on feeling better than ever before!