To the one that moves me:
Yesterday I didn’t know you existed. Today I would miss you if you were gone! I would miss your words, your voice and your laughter. I would miss what you do to my mind, heart and body. I would miss the possibilities and the anticipation.
And yet our bodies never touched.
Your words slowly moved in. With each word I saw you, with each word I knew you. My heart and my mind began slow dancing to “what ifs”.
You have all the things I appreciate in a man: you see the humor in life, you have a honest heart, you have been hurt in your past, you are happy in your present, and you have hope for your future. You take being a father seriously and you are a grateful son!
You took the first step and my heart sang the beginning notes of a love affair! I welcomed you with open arms.
While I throw caution to the wind and jump in head first (not taking time to check if this is perhaps another shallow pool), you are afraid of getting wet.
You are conflicted. You wrestle with thoughts such as: Too soon? Too fast? Too far? You fear getting hurt again. We both have been hurt before, more times than we care to count. You contemplate not trying again. To me not trying is a sin!
I cannot deny that it is indeed too soon, it is too fast and it is too far. But who gets to decide when the time is right, at what pace to go and what is the correct distance? I don’t know what this is either. I just know it feels too good to not try!
I cannot say it is going to work, I cannot say it will last. But not matter if it is a day or a year I plan on showing 100% and giving my all. If my heart gets broken again, so be it! I am not afraid! Never was, never will be! I don’t know how to pace myself; I don’t know how to lower the speed. Perhaps time to learn and change? I can’t! I don’t know how! I don’t want to! I rather live and die being me! Showing up in full and hurting completely!
I see beauty and opportunity in the different, the unexpected, the not so safe, and the not so sure. I enjoy proving people wrong or getting hurt in the process. My ego wears armor. I enjoy honoring my feelings. I enjoy love affairs with the unlovable! What is the virtue in loving the easy, pretty, safe right across the street?
I don’t want safe and proper! I want to take chances. I don’t regret failing, I regret not trying!
You gave my mind flight, you gave my heart fancy, and you give my body feelings that still linger in the next morning.
What if this is all it is? What if there is not forever? What if this never gets out of the gate, what if never leaves the starting line? Still I would think it was all worth, for you pulled me out of the dead calm, out of the pained soul, out of just being and brought me back to life. Out of arid land you made me flourish once again. You were necessary to me; you were a wakeup call! You repaired my heart, you melted my soul, and you made my juices flow. So take a moment now and take a bow!
I plan on no holds barred fun. I plan on being the ride of your life!
For the duration I plan on showing up in full, bare body and soul. I promise complete honesty, even if it hurts. I plan on transparency. I plan on placing my heart in your hands!
Ignore all I wrote up to now! I didn’t come here to try to make up your mind! I didn’t come here to plead my case!
Don’t worry about hurting me. I realize that I am the only that can do that. I am stronger and taking full control and responsability for my feelings and how I react to other’s role in my life.
I am here to say that whatever you do, whatever you choose you have my blessing. If you follow your heart or your mind, that is completely up to you. As a friend I am supporting whatever path you take!
What is important is that you look in the mirror and is proud of the person you see! What is important is that you make a choice based on your convictions and your God.
At the end of the day you have to make sure that you honored your feelings and that you were true to yourself!
Just don’t be afraid of living! Because that would be a real shame!
… And if we never meet I plan on treasuring all the images and possibilities my mind created and move on feeling better than ever before!