This is about my final (I hope) meeting with Ex. I know in my heart that I will eventually be friends with him, but for now I just need and want distance and peace!
Before the meeting:
I am anxious and scared! Am I scared that I will end up in bed with him like every meeting before? ABSOLUTELY NOT!
I am scared that I will get emotional looking at him and thinking about what we had.
I am scared that I will bombard him with questions about things that no longer matter, such as the new girl in his life. It doesn’t really matter if the new girl is tall or short, young or old. What is the point of wanting to know those details?
I don’t want to list all he has done wrong. He knows what he did! And having him, once again not acknowledging my pain and his role in it it will just hurt me further. (and yet I know that I am responsible for my feelings and reactions and that he cannot cause me pain if I don’t let him)
One thing is for sure, it does feels amazing though to be over him! It feels powerful to not care what he thinks of me anymore. It feels incredible that he doesn’t hold my heart in his hands anymore!
So today there are no preparations for his arrival. There is no hair done, nails, waxing. There is no incense burning, there is not special dress or lingerie.
I can’t wait until this is over. This is similar to the feeling I feel right before I need to go in for another dental surgery. I am sitting in the waiting room listening to the sound of the drill coming from another room knowing that I am next. Feeling the pain before the pain.
I am an emotional wreck! Amazing that I am here writing, but thanks to divine intervention I didn’t curl up and die, I washed my face and snapped out of it!
The moment that I closed the door on him leaving, the moment that I closed the door to my past, the phone beeps. It is a friend texting and in a way it is future calling. It is God telling me to look forward and stop looking back! And I hear it loud and clear.
But let me back up and give you a summary of the evening.
I met Ex in the front of my building and he hugged me hello. It was awkward and I felt absolutely nothing! I thought I would cringe at his touch, but I didn’t, but at the same time I didn’t feel like staying in his arms. I am grateful that he didn’t go for a kiss hello.
We went to one of the Mexican Restaurants in the neighborhood.
I am already crying. I am crying from the second I saw him! I am one of those people that cry at any funeral, even if I don’t know the deceased. And in a way this is a funeral. I am attending the funeral of a fairy tale that has died a long time ago but it never got a proper burial until today.
We sit at the restaurant and I realize that I don’t know how to act. I can’t speak, I stutter. I play with the napkin and utensils. I am grateful he sat next to me and not accross from me so that I don’t have to look at him.
But love is a beautiful thing! I still think about his feelings, and I don’t feel like hurting him, and I know that my silence would. So, summing up a strength that I didn’t think I had, I start talking like I would talk to a friend. I tell him about my tennis lessons and my Pilates sessions. He tells me about his businesses and volunteer work. We manage to get through dinner and even have a few laughs.
We walk to my place because we have to finalize some paperwork, after all that is the reason he came here in the first place. In 30 minutes we are done with the paperwork. But of course it would be too simple if that was the end of it!
He makes the mistake of inviting me to a couple of big events that are coming up that we used to attend together, and also another one that is an once in a lifetime thing that I have been dying to attend. And that is when I can no longer hold it in.
I let it all flow, tears and words. I say all that I have inside. I talk about the hurt, the betrayal, I talk about the things I know for a fact he did, I talk about my disbelief that he would throw a beautiful story away.
Everything that I didn’t want to ask about, I ask. Everything I didn’t want to mention, I do.
Through it all he remains mostly quiet, speaking up a few times to defend himself and to say that he didn’t know where I was getting my information from. He mentions loving more than I would ever know. He once again says that timing for us is not right, he has to focus on his business and children. He says he is not really dating, but seeing the girl once in awhile and spending most of his time alone, as if that somehow is supposed to makes things ok, as if that makes any sense.
I tell him not to invite me to anything and stop pretending that we are still a couple. I tell him to stop playing with my feelings and hurting me.
I was not planning on falling apart, but we all know that things don’t normally go according to plan. I don’t regret anything I said. I also know that he didn’t really hear all I said. He is not ready to hear and understand and acknowledge what he has done.
At the end he cried also, but I cannot tell you if there was any truth in those tears. I would like to believe that he did have feelings for me and that he also mourns the end of our story. But I just don’t know. And I am happy to say I don’t care!
At one point he hugged me and kissed me on top of my head. And I let him. We stayed like that for a couple of minutes. And then it was done. I was ready to bury the pain, the hurt, the love, the good times, everything.
He says good night, I silently close the door! I am still crying, not from missing him or seeing him leave. I am crying from exhaustion, from hurt, from anger, from love. My whole body aches. I think that is the feeling a marathon runner feels at the end of a race: happy exhaustion!
At this point I am standing against the door that I just closed, unable to move. My phone beeps. It is text from a friend asking how I am. That is the beauty of life, the realization that I didn’t need to stay in that pain. The beautiful feeling of having someone care and wonder how I was feeling.
His text and subsequent phone call were a sign from God. His voice comes through the phone and into my ears as a hand passing over my hurt and slowly removing the dark pain. Hearing his voice soothes me. Hearing his voice brings me back to reality and out of the “poor me” state I was ready to drown myself in.
I realized that this perfectly timed text and phone call was God working in His mysterious way. This person unknowingly provided me with the bridge from my past to my future.
I have learned what I needed to learn and I grateful for Ex for everything he has taught me – good and bad. I am better than before I met him and for that I am thankful. I am also thankful for him for helping me become the person I am today.
I have put the love and care that I have for him in a special place. I worry about him and pray that he finds contentment.
So now the past is buried and I am eager for my future, alone or with someone special. I know God has a plan, so I have no need to worry or have any doubts. I have always known that no matter what I am always going to be ok! And that knowledge is priceless!
Now as far as my heart goes, you can just call it Timex!
Thank you for reading and supporting me and sending me your love!