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Tag Archives: identical twin sister

Broken English, I suppose

23 Friday Feb 2018

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 33 Comments

Tags

be more sensitive, Broken English, English idioms, identical twin sister, Never assume, nice guy but no thank you, online dating

“Your assumptions are your windows on the world.  Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” – Issac Asimov

I went on a date Wednesday night. I didn’t know much about the guy. I knew that he lived in Brooklyn and worked in the field of painting and construction.  For some reason I didn’t ask where he was from, I thought I knew.  I just assumed he was European.  Probably from Poland or Ukraine. Yes, I should know better than to just assume things. 🙁

The day before meeting him I told my sister that I thought it wouldn’t work out but that I was keeping an open mind.  When she asked why, I answered that it was because of his broken English.  My sister walked away, clearly unhappy about something. I think partly offended and partly shocked at that statement, again I am assuming.

I was not happy that she just walked away without asking me to clarify my statement.  I was left to wonder to myself: What is really understood by “broken English”?  Is it rude to say that somebody has broken English? Am I being hypocritical?  Am I being insensitive?

My sister and I started learning English around 18 years old.  I learned by immersing in life when I moved here.  My sister learned by attending all kinds of classes while in Brazil.  She is a languages teacher, she now teaches English and Portuguese. While her grammar is better than mine and she is able to translate the works of Shakespeare and such, I noticed that she lacks the confidence that comes with speaking it daily as I do.  I have been living in NY for over 30 years and she just arrived.

I didn’t use “broken English” as criticism, a put down or an insult.  I just meant that it would be difficult for us to communicate.  I meant that his language skills needed a lot work and probably communication in person was going to be even more difficult than in writing.

My assumption was made based on his writing and based on an experience I had before.   I once had a date with a man from Argentina and even though he was really nice and in emails there were no issues, in person it was a nightmare.  We tried a combination of English, Spanish and Portuguese and we still could barely understand each other.  He had been here already for over 10 years so I had to assume that his English was not getting any better. I always wonder if there had been any chemistry the language barrier would have been less noticeable.

I took this opportunity to approach my sister and discuss the need for more communication.  Her modus operandi of walking away and brooding is not the best course of action on most situations.  We are living together now and we are both fiercely independent so co-existing is already difficult, can you imagine if there is no clear communication?

She explained that she was offended since her English is not perfect.  I am not sure how she took that leap but I just chose to respect her feelings. “Broken” implies that something needs to get fixed.   I can see the negativity in it.  She also agreed to speak up any time she has an issue with anything.  Baby steps…

Lessons learned this time around:

  1. Be careful when using idioms and other phrases.  I need to get back to studying and improving my vocabulary.  I need to make sure that I know the exact meaning of words and phrases.  It is easy to hear a word or phrase in a certain context and take that as gospel.
  2. Never assume you know something for a fact when you just suspect it is so.  I keep having to learn this one lesson over and over and over again. Note to self:  Never assume, always ask!
  3. Be more sensitive when speaking to my sister and others. She is new here. I need to watch the words I use and my tone of voice.  My boss just told me I should stop yelling as I was discussing something with him.  I was not yelling but I was frustrated and probably louder than usual.  If he was your boss you would be frustrated too!! Still, “calm and collected” is not often used to describe me.

“I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail.”  – Abraham H. Maslow

Here is the kicker:  My date was a Brooklyn born American man!! Not from Europe or any other foreign place else at all.  I was totally wrong in my assumptions.

I am not sure why the horrendous grammar.  Perhaps he was just being hurried and careless.

He was a nice person and there were no issues in communicating in person.  We had dinner at a Chinese Restaurant and the meal was good.  We were not a match though.  He was guilty of what I am normally guilty of.  In the first 5 minutes he told me his entire life story.

He is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic.  He gave up cigarettes 2 weeks ago.  His credit is in shambles. He is trying to payoff student loans and credit cards.  His cars is very old and it overheats. His childhood was dysfunctional and abusive, etc, etc  While I appreciate the openness, it was all a bit too much to learn in one sitting especially since he had given no inclination of any of that in the emails.  I guess he had the need to come clean right away.

I applaud him for trying to get his life on track.  He seems to be working very hard to get it done.  He enjoyed the date, commenting that I was not judgmental and he felt very comfortable with me.  He was right I try to pass no judgement on anyone.  We are all trying to fight some kind of battle.

He said he is okay with just being friends and wants to take me to see Beautiful, the Carole King musical next week.  I love Broadway shows and I haven’t seen that one yet but I think I should decline.  I know he says he is okay with friendship, but he wants more, so I would feel I am taking advantage of him.  Still I would like to be his friend but don’t want him thinking it will lead to something more.  It is a very fine unclear line to walk.

Thank you for reading!

Make this weekend count!  May it be a blessed one!

“The unthankful heart discovers no mercies; but the thankful heart will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings.” – Henry Ward Beecher

 

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Sisterly love, twin style

28 Sunday Jan 2018

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life, Finding Me

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

agreeing to disagree, forgetting the past, identical twin sister, JFK airport, living with family, rebuilding a friendship, sister, twin sister

“You may be as different as the sun and the moon, but the same blood flows through both your hearts. You need her, as she needs you…”  – George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

Today at 5am I was at JFK airport waiting for my twin sister.  She was here for a few months last year.  At that time we had another friend here, and then my mother, so she was mostly involved in running around with our friend and then being with my mother. Now she is back here to decide if she wants to live here or not.

We shall see what the future holds for her.  I want her to follow her heart and choose what is good for her.

A sister is a built-in best friend, or it should be.  We are extremely close but also extremely critical of each other.  Last year it was the first time we have lived together since we were 17 years old.  It was not all fun and games, but it was not bad either.   It takes some adjustment to live with someone after being alone for several years.  Throw in 2 very strong personalities, add the fact that we are identical twins and you have a balancing act.

I plan on using this time while she is here, however long it last, to grow our friendship in a positive way.  We would kill for each other, but still the tiniest of issue gets us to be annoyed at each other and things to get blown out of proportion.  Loving each other is not the issue, the issue is respecting each other.  The issue is being okay with disagreeing.  We both need to stop thinking that we know what is best for the other, and in general and allow room and space for errors.

All I can do is try, but with all my heart.  I will try more and better than before.  What if I fail?  There is no failing, there is only trying, and when that fails then trying some more.

I am going for:

  • No reaction and no over-reaction.  Stop. Do nothing for awhile.
  • Put myself in her shoes, and see how it feels before judging, before criticizing
  • Listen with love, talk with love, act out of love

While she is here I plan on getting out more and doing a variety of things. There is so much in New York to see and do so we plan we on doing some of it.  When she was here last year we did most of the usual sightseeing so now we will probably go off the beaten path.

So much culture, so much adventure, so much living and loving to do, I have to hurry up.

Wishing you all a blessed week ahead!

oh, and just a thought:  You know that relative, or that friend that you love but that for some reason or another it is easier to be apart and silent? Yes, that one!  Give him or her a call, or meet for coffee.  You don’t have to hash out all the issues at once.  Actually sometimes is better to just let go of the issues of the past and start fresh.  You can slowly rebuild the friendship.  When there is love anything is possible.

On Friendship  –  Kahlil Gibran

Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the “nay” in your own mind, nor do you withhold the “ay.”
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

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Out with the Old, In with the New

28 Wednesday Jun 2017

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

1987 Mercedes Convertible, 560SL, a new person comes in, daring to dream, feeling excited, getting rid of the old, Goethe, identical twin sister, new beginnings, old ghosts

Sister: Things continue to be a tad crazy for me, with lots to do at work and adjusting to having my sister at home with me. I was unsettled having to live with my sister after 33 years living apart, but we are doing fine and becoming closer than ever.  I can’t wait to see what the future holds for her here in the USA.

The widower from previous posts: He disappeared. He mentioned being busy getting ready to send his daughter to camp in July, but I never heard from him again since a last text I sent on June 11.

He is still mourning his wife and not ready to move on. Perhaps the reason he disappeared was that he met someone else. I just wish people would be honest and just say something and not disappear.

The classic car: When the ex and I broke up (over 5 years ago) he gave me his 1987 560SL car since I had sold mine to move in with him. 

Now that I bought a new car I decided to sell that car even though I really loved it and wish I could keep it.  It is just not practical to pay storage fees and insurance on car I never use.

Yesterday I got an email from the ex. He must have heard from his mother that I am selling it and he asked to buy it back. At first I thought about ignoring it. Then I just replied: Make me an offer. It seemed fitting that it should go back to the original owner.

He replied with a stupid offer of $5,000.00. According to my mechanic the car is worth from $15,000 to 18,000.00. I would be okay with $10,000, which would cover all the repairs I had to make on the car. Even more infuriating than the low offer was the email. He went on and on about the fact that he gave me the car, making it seem he gave it to me out of the goodness of his heart when the truth is he just wanted me out of his life and would have done anything. And perhaps out of guilt for having cheated on me. He also mentioned that my life continued to be successful while his are in shambles. To tell him that one reaps what one sows would be stating the obvious.

I didn’t reply yet. My Mom and my sister both agreed that I should just give the car back and get rid of him and anything of his for good.  After I got over the anger I am actually leaning towards their suggestion.

Is it or isn’t it:  Sometimes there are major shifts in life and it seems my life is going through a major shift. I feel so much goodness in the air.  It seems like a time to get rid of the old, old clothes, old ideas, old energy and embrace the new.

At this exact moment in time someone came into my life that seems too perfect to be true. I am so excited that it is hard for me to keep level headed. I try to remind myself  that I have been excited over what turned out to be nothing in the past, but this seems so different, so right.  So, once again, here am I daring to believe, daring to dream.

My next post will be about him so stay tuned.

He sent me this poem by Goethe that I just love!

“Tell a wise person, or else keep silent,
because the mass man will mock it right away.
I praise what is truly alive,
what longs to be burned to death.

In the calm water of the love-nights,
where you were begotten, where you have begotten,
a strange feeling comes over you,
when you see the silent candle burning.

Now you are no longer caught
in the obsession with darkness,
and a desire for higher love-making
sweeps you upward.

Distance does not make you falter.
Now, arriving in magic, flying,
and finally, insane for the light,
you are the butterfly and you are gone.

And so long as you haven’t experienced 
this: to die and so to grow,
you are only a troubled guest
on the dark earth.”  – Johann Woldgang von Goethe

 

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