Tag Archives: acceptance

A different kind of pretty

01 Thursday Sep 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me, Mosaic and other crafts

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I just finished this piece.  I love it, but most people don’t like it.  The only person that liked it is my sister. 

It is interesting that people normally try to be kind and say they like something when they really don’t.  I get it, I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings either.

But with this one piece, there is no hiding their feelings.  Everyone at the studio said, straight to my face, they didn’t like it.  One said it is the ugliest baby she has ever seen (true lol) and the other said I made Sonny Bono (kinda of lol).

I love that!  I feel honored to have people’s honest opinion.  They know me, they know I can take it.  I rather have honest opinions and not sweet lies. I like that we can all joke about it.  What I love most is the realization that I don’t feel the need to make only “pretty” things. 

I love when people look at something I made and have a reaction, good or bad.  

This piece to me represents a lot different things: family, diversity, beauty, love, among others.  With this piece I feel I am beginning to find my creative/artistic voice… and it is not pretty! 😉

“There is no exquisite beauty… without some strangeness in the proportion.” ― Edgar Allan Poe

“It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.”
― Leo Tolstoy, The Kreutzer Sonata

“Sometimes people are beautiful.
Not in looks.
Not in what they say.
Just in what they are.”
― Markus Zusak, I Am the Messenger

“To see something different gives you a chance to be something different!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan

“No one escapes some degree of chaos for it is so ever prevalent; it is the human experience. This realization does not mean we can’t improve. It does mean we can accept our state of chaos, lighten up on ourselves, have fun, and work on improving…we are a work in progress. Enjoy the journey.” ― David W. Earle LPC- Love is Not Enough

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I have been scammed and it sucks!

29 Friday May 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“Don’t judge yourself by what others did to you.” ― C. Kennedy, Omorphi

I have been scammed and I feel pretty lousy about it.  Actually lousy is not the right word.  I feel powerless. I feel vulnerable.  I felt betrayed and taken advantage of.  The victim in me is in full bloom.

At times like these I wish I had a protector, a savior, a man.  It is not even about the money as it is a small amount. It is about the fact that somebody looks you straight in the eye and lies to your face.  Somebody thinks you are dumb enough and too weak to do anything about it.

The feeling of powerlessness and hopelessness is tough to deal with.  I am also feeling pretty dumb.  How can this self-made street smart business woman be in such a predicament?  I am no longer this illegal immigrant that spoke no English.  I am an American now, I have it all and I have rights.  Also online I am able to spot scammers a mile away, but face to face this guy just had me.

I am not going to bore anyone with the minute details of the story.  The fact is I have been ripped off by a fridge repairman. I paid for a new part and he gave me an old one.

But this is more than monetary loss, it is about misplaced trust.

I was livid when I found out.  At this point I don’t even know if the part needed to be changed or not.  He was recommended by someone I trust so I had complete confidence in him.

When I found out I called him and asked him about it and he, of course, denied it.  He was supposed to stop by to talk to me about it last night.  He never did.  Today I called him and gave him a piece of my mind.

What am I to do now?  My options are limited.

  • Sue him?  It is $375.00, so it is not worth my time to go to court over that.
  • Find someone to break his legs?  Of course I am kidding about this option, but it shows you how mad I am that I am even dreaming about inflicting bodily harm.
  • Blast the internet with bad reviews?  Hum perhaps that will make me feel better, especially since warning others is a good thing.
  •  Grin, bear it and move on? If I choose this one, does it mean I am just a doormat?

There are the “why me” feelings. I treat everyone with respect, kindness, honesty, why? I will tell you “why me”: because clearly there are lessons here for me to learn!

At this moment I am breathing, putting aside hurt feelings and looking at the bigger picture.  First, I need to stop the drama: No one died!   Second I need to look at the part I played:  I am one of the main characters in this plot so I need to see how I can play it differently next time and have a different outcome.

“That’s the thing about being a victim; you start to think it’ll happen to you on a regular basis. It’s living with the reality of your own vulnerability, and it sucks.” ― Dennis Lehane, A Drink Before the War

I am only a victim if I give the other person or the event/situation the power to make me feel that way.  Here are some of my ideas of what I can do different next time:

  • Fix it myself. Youtube has tutorials on everything. I actually had changed that same part in my old fridge in my old apartment myself (with the help of a friend).  This time I thought it was a different problem, so when he told me it was the same problem I figured I would just throw money at the problem and not have to ask anybody’s help. (I hate asking for help)
  • Never blindly trust a repair person/salesman, etc, /don’t let your guard down even if referred by someone I know. Because he was so well recommended I saw this guy as a friend and let my guard down.
  • Go with my gut. When in doubt I will get a second opinion. My gut was telling me to wait to fix it, but I ignored the little voice inside.
  • I will ask for proof. Whenever getting anything repaired that requires new parts I will ask for the box the new part came in and ask to keep the old part.
  • I will do my research and ask questions. I will let them know that I am not totally clueless (and careless) about the issue.
  • I will treat it as business deal and not as a new friendship. I was my usual self with this person.  I was super friendly and cracking jokes. I treated him how I would like to be treated, and in this case didn’t work.  I think that it sent him the wrong message. It made me seem like an easy gullible prey.
  • I will never pay with cash (had I paid with credit card I could dispute the charge)
  • Whenever possible I will not pay the entire amount at once.

In the end perhaps this $375.00 will be an investment in making sure that I don’t lose thousands in the future.

But, perhaps over-analyzing it, is this hitting me so hard because in some weird way it mirrors the full trust I had in Ex?

Why should I ever trust anyone again?  Should I become this hard, serious, non-trusting person?  Should I change? Why do I need to change?  too many questions, no answers 😦

“The victim mindset dilutes the human potential. By not accepting personal responsibility for our circumstances, we greatly reduce our power to change them.” ― Steve Maraboli

Learning acceptance kicking and screaming!

04 Saturday Apr 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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I am right now sitting at terminal 38 at JFK airport waiting to board a flight to Brazil. This post will be extremely short as it is a major pain to type on a tiny tablet.
Arghhhh I am about to start pulling my hair out…oops, just realized I am sounding and acting like a spoiled teenager – ugly!!!!!!!
Summarizing:
• going to Brazil to visit family and get my Mom
• Mom has been sick so we hope the doctor clears her to travel.
• We are supposed to come back from Brazil in one week, spend 5 days in NY then travel to Israel
• All is in the air now depending on tests and test results.

The last few days/weeks have been very challenging:
• Buying a larger apartment
• Finding a tenant for smaller apartment
• booking the trip to Brazil and to Israel for mom and I
• having a birthday. Tuning 49 is no picnic. There was this sense of finality, finity and finitude (are these all the same? I just want to make sure you get my feeling that life is almost over!
• severing ties with a friend (will write about it as it is painful and I still working on this pain and other feelings.
•but worst of it all was my mom getting ill!! There is this sense of powerlessness, lack of control over anything. Being far doesn’t help!

This is another chance to practice acceptance. Another great chance to show how much I believe in God and the Universe.
I am in control of nothing, absolutely nothing. The moment I understand and acceptance this one fact is the moment fear and worry release its grip on me.
Another chance to work on my feelings, reactions and over-reactions.
Another chance to show gratitude for all the blessings already received.

As long as I do 100% as a daughter, as a human being, as long as I honor and respect people and nature, as long as I have a grateful heart I am will be okay no matter what.
My prayer continues to be for guidance, acceptance and strength!
Dear God, don’t give me what I want, give me what I need and the tools to deal with it!

A wonderful Easter to All! Thank you for being there – that knowledge alone comforts me!

The Guardian Angel Act!

19 Thursday Mar 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” ― Rumi

This post was going to be called “Disappearing Act” but I already have a post with that name plus I believe this disappearance act is the act of my very astute Guardian Angel.

Do you remember the drug guy that became my friend, the one I spoke about a couple of posts ago? He totally fell off the face of earth, or so it seems.

It is all very odd.  We had been talking on the phone and texting every single day.  In our very last texting exchange we were joking, talking about my new tenant and also making plans to have buffalo chicken wings.  I had mentioned that he should search for the best place to have wings and it would be my treat since he had been treating me to dinner/drinks every time we saw each other so I thought it should be my turn.

Then there is just silence, no text, no phone call, nothing.  We never had any disagreements and even the drug issue was really a non-issue.  I said my part he said his and we were past that as if it never happened.  We had become close fast friends, one of those very easy friendships.

“Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.” ― Deborah Reber

In the past I would have created crazy scenarios in my mind such as him being involved in some kind of accident, or perhaps losing his phone and not being able to contact me.  In the past I would have texted and called to see if he was okay and alive, but I don’t do that anymore.   In the past when I contacted a new friend or date that had gone silent they normally would say they had been busy or something like and then go silent again.

Now I choose non-reaction and acceptance.  I am only human, so of course I am curious about what happened, but not enough to contact him. I have also been so busy with my moving apartments that only now I have the time to think and write about it.

I feel my life is an open book; my presence is optional, whoever wants to stay, stay, whoever wants to leave, leave. No questions asked.  No pressure, no commitment.  Of course there is something called courtesy, and treating others politely, I do it but not everyone chooses to do it.  I like to be upfront, if I don’t want to see someone again I say so.  I choose honesty but it is up to each one of us to do as we please.

“The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.” ― Stephanie Perkins

When I say this disappearance is the act of my guardian angel is because unexplainable events such as this to me have deeper meaning.  They are small miracles, they are God’s sign of which direction I should be going, or going a step further,  it is God forcing my hand and choosing the right direction for me.

I had been ambivalent from the beginning if I should continue a friendship with him or not.  While I am totally against any use of drugs in my life I like to be non-judgmental.  I like to be open to friendships with people from all walks of life.  I am an all-opportunity friend.  We never know who will be the vessel for the next lesson, who will be the source of the next smile and the next comforting word.  I also think I am not above people; I am not perfect, I am not better than my fellow human being just because I say no to drugs.  I believe people are put on our path for different reasons.  He had a reason to come into my life.  Perhaps he was a test.  Perhaps he was a wakeup call.  Perhaps he was a reminder of what I should be doing.  Perhaps he is teaching me the joy of being able to accept people as they are and also to learn to let them go when they choose to leave. I don’t have to know the reason for his appearance in my life right now, I just need to be aware of it.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ― Lao Tzu

Perhaps my guardian angel realized we were getting too close and the friendship could have become something else, something that would not be good for me in the long run.  It is so freeing when one learns acceptance.  I am writing about it now not because it still bothers me but because I am proud and happy of how I am handling it and how unaffected by it I am.

I would not change anything about meeting him, about saying no to his offer of fun, about continuing to seeing him and of now accepting his disappearance.  Life is better when it is easy.  Friendships are better when are free from entanglements and pressure.  I am not saying that my life is a revolving door one gets to come and go as one pleases.  You get to go any time you choose but allowing entrance back is another story!  I don’t believe in burning bridges but I believe some deserve to be totally imploded, not only the bridge but the roads leading to it.  Some things are best left in the past so that we can embrace our future.

Thank you my angels for showing me the wise way, for making me realize that trying to build something solid on shaky ground would never work. I bow to your infinite knowledge and protection.  I am blessed and I know it!

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” ― Steve Maraboli

I Float!

08 Thursday Jan 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body.” ― Seneca

Happiness is not the absence of problems.  Happiness is how you deal with the problems you encounter.

I saw a poster the other day that said:  “If you stop struggling, you float”.  It really resonated with me.  I have been struggling instead of floating lately.  I have been encountering many problems and with each I near that one moment where despair sets in and all seems beyond repair, when it feels nothing is going right.

I realize that my faith is being tested. My very positive self is being put to a test. Even though I am very positive I realize there is still room for improvement.

So I have been making a very conscious effort to change how I deal with problems in my life.  I no longer try to immediately attack it aiming for results without any thought or regard to my actions.  I no longer react without pause and careful consideration.  I also no longer try to slam the door on a problem pretending that it doesn’t exist and hoping it will go away – I call that the Brazilian way, but it is extremely ineffective! Instead I am opening the door and inviting the problems in.  We sit, we talk, we arrive to conclusions.  I am choosing to treat it as a friend and in turn it does become my friend.  It no longer has control over me.  It is no longer my enemy, it has now become my ally.

When I don’t react, when I take the time to look at a problem with comprehension and not anger, everything changes.  I end up realizing that the problem is not as big as it originally appeared.

The moment I embrace it, it eases up on me.  I am no longer scared to the point of despair or paralysis.  I look into its eye and what I see is not this enemy trying to destroy me, instead it is a patient teacher, a caring mentor.  It is not here to hurt me or cause me pain.  Pain and hurt are mere conduits, mere distractions, just steps necessary in my ascendance to a better place.

Problems have a mission in our lives and their mission is to mold us into a better and stronger person.  We can either accept that or fight it.  Accepting makes the road much easier.

“Being challenged in life is inevitable, being defeated is optional.” ― Roger Crawford

Welcoming problems as lessons, teachers, opportunities, etc changes the whole dynamic. This one little shift in attitude, welcoming problems instead of fighting them, is making a dramatic improvement in my life.  I now see it a chance for me to grow and shine.  The bigger the problem I am facing the greater the chance, and the bigger the reward at the end.  I get to analyze the situation, I get to make choices.

In 2015 I am inviting to sit at my table all my friends that go by different names such as trouble, problems, mistakes, challenges, curve balls, hurdles, obstacles, etc.  Once they are welcomed in they become opportunities, goals, lessons, growth, steps, acceptance, maturity, tests of faith, etc.

They are already a part of my life anyway, but now they are recognized and treated as guests.  Problems used to make me feel out of control and totally at the mercy of others, now we co-exist in harmony.

“The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it.” ― Molière

Inviting problems to my dinner table is my idea of floating, of making peace with that that robs my sanity, and drives me to reach for food as solace. Nothing like a problem to kick my emotional hunger in high gear.

I could go and hide my face in a slice of chocolate cake, or I could become paralyzed with fear, but eventually I have to deal with whatever problems life throws at me.  How I look at it makes a world of difference.

I think there is always a problem before a big miracle.  There is always a test, a roadblock to test our resolve.  So now I see a problem for what it is: the appetizer that doesn’t taste so good before a meal that is going to be amazing. So, no need to despair just work on the problem and move on to bigger and better things.

My 2 main points here are: 1) Problems are good, accept it! and 2) We are in charge, but not alone!

We are in control, as far as anyone can be actually in control of anything 🙂 We have a choice.  We can control how we perceive and react to a problem.  I choose to be the driver and not the passenger in this road trip.  I want to make my own way and not crumple at the sight of a little inconvenience. How one deal with problems separate the victims from the survivors, from the heroes. I was never a victim and don’t plan on starting now.

Why should I be deserving of rewards and miracles when at any minor inconvenience I throw in the towel, I despair? What does that say about me and my faith?  I need to remember that I am never alone and for whatever problem I face there is always a solution.  A problem presents itself but so does a solution.

Accepting that problems will happen, understanding that they are here to make me a better person, and knowing that I am never alone, helps me to deal with the dark moment and not over dramatize anything and make mountains out of molehills.

Problems also have an incredible way of teaching gratitude.  Gratitude for so many days without any problems and gratitude for the solution that is always there!

All of a sudden life is lighter, even though this evening had me face a problem that I had already spent money last week to solve.  Oh well, I marvel at the hidden reward of a returning problem. Did I miss the lesson the first time around?

I am done struggling! Now I float…and it feels divine!  Try it!

 “You will face your greatest opposition when you are closest to your biggest miracle.” ― Shannon L. Alder

More kindness and less assumptions!

10 Friday Oct 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Food

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Mom is here!  That means a few casino trips and at least one long weekend at the Foxwoods Casino and also Mohegan Sun (they are located 15 minutes apart so it is impossible to go to one and not stop at the other).

I decided to take Ex’s mother with us.  My mother and I enjoy her company and we thought it would be a nice for her to take a break from some issues that she has been dealing with.  Yes call me crazy, but I still have a relationship with his mother.  At times I have questioned this decision but ultimately I decided that I didn’t need to punish the mother for the sins of the son.

She will mention him and also the girlfriend every now and then, but overall we don’t discuss him.  She has made it clear that she would like to see me back in his life.  I also made it clear that it will never happen, that I wish him happiness and that is the end of the story.  Throughout the last 3 years my feelings have been evolving.  In the beginning when she spoke about him my feelings were of sadness and pain, and then there was anger, now it alternates between indifference and joy.  I feel blessed not to be in his life right now and to be free from all his life entails (the good and the bad).

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.

The weekend was fun even though we didn’t win any money.  We didn’t lose either so that is a major win in my view!  Casinos are entertainment, to make money I go to work.   I only take whatever money I can afford to lose and make the most out of it.

We had tickets to see Michael Amante, a singer that I had never heard of.  I was we took and chance and went.  I found him very talented and entertaining.  I like that he talked to the audience and that he gave us some insight on his life and on the songs he sang. He explained he sings only about love.  He sang a little from everyone from Elvis Presley and Tony Bennett to music from Puccini and the Phantom of the Opera.

We also enjoyed great meals!  I really enjoy the restaurants there, especially at Mohegan Sun.  My mother adores the bread pudding on the buffet at Season’s so we always make a stop there.

The was an interesting episode during lunch at the buffet.  The waitress was not friendly.  She was not mean either, she was just serious.  She was probably my age, but looked older (I think that smiling people always look younger).   There was none of the “My name is ___ and I will be your server today”.  When I asked for a mixture of cranberry, orange and grapefruit juices she gave me a weird look.  I assumed she didn’t like her job and perhaps should look for another profession.  Well, I thought to myself, this is a buffet so we don’t really need a waitress other than for the drinks.

“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” ― Isaac Asimov

Halfway through our meal I looked at the table next to us and saw that this couple got up and left on the table 2 dollar bills!  I was shocked that they would leave only a $2.00 tip. We are at a casino and this couple probably threw money away gambling and all they left was 2 dollars?  I know I was being a tad judgmental, and perhaps the waitress was not the nicest in the world, but she was doing her job.  I felt extremely bad and even before we were finished eating I called her over and gave her a $20.00 tip.  I normally would have left 20% or $5.00 per person whichever was higher, so giving her $20 was not crazy, but clearly was more than the table next to me. She thanked me and I went back to finishing my lunch.

We finished and got up to leave.  The waitress come after me and taps me on the shoulder.  I turned around and she hugs me and tells me how much she appreciated the tip. She looked like she would start to cry at any second.  I said I appreciated her work and felt bad that the table next to me had left so little. She wished me luck and I walked away.

I was shocked as that seemed to come out of nowhere.  I felt good that my simple gesture made an impact on her.  But more than that, this showed me that I should not ever be so quick to judge and assume anything about others.  I should always give people the benefit of the doubt.

I don’t want to make excuses for her as I still think that everyone in the service industry should always have a smile on their faces, but we don’t always have the whole picture.  Not everyone is able to hide the pain and troubles they are going through. We never know what battles someone is fighting, even if they are putting up a happy front.

“Whenever you feel like criticizing any one…just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald

When we returned I dropped Ex’s mom at one of his businesses since I don’t want to go to his house (she moved in with him after leaving her Midwest home in February).  I actually would be totally indifferent seeing him, but I don’t want to see C. (the dog).  I miss C. immensely and I know he misses me.  I don’t want him to think I am returning only to abandon him all over again.

Later Ex’s Mom texted me to thank me for the great weekend and she added: “You make it fun to live!”  I thought that was such a great compliment.

I leave you with a song that Michael Amante sang – it reminds me that I should go see more operas:

 

“Being in control of the uncontrollable”

02 Saturday Aug 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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The florist at the corner of my apartment

The florist at the corner of my apartment

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ― Haruki Murakami

The past week has been extremely tough.  It has been a busy tiring week at work but it has been even more demanding emotionally.   My father has been in the hospital for the past 10 days with a severe infection.  This infection (I am choosing not to name it here) is rare and potentially fatal.   It affects elderly diabetic patients and it grows at an extremely fast rate.

It didn’t help that he hid the symptoms from everyone, but fortunately he eventually was taken to the hospital in time.  Surgery was performed the same day and a course of 3 antibiotics was started.  The doctor thinks he should be able to go home this coming week, but it will take several months for him to be fully recovered (or as close as we can get to that).

This came out of nowhere and the entire family had to scramble to deal with everything. Well, not really the entire family since I am not there to scramble.  It is hard being here and not in Brazil to help my family and to be with my dad.

“Sometimes life knocks you on your ass… get up, get up, get up!!! Happiness is not the absence of problems, it’s the ability to deal with them.”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Since I have been in the US for a long time I am used to not being a part of family events, good or bad.  I do worry about the fact that something may happen to a loved one and I may not even have time to say good bye.

At work I get everything done and done well, so this week has been specially productive, but this feeling of powerlessness and helplessness overwhelms me.  I have been calling my family many times a day to find out news and to offer words of support. Even though I only mean to help I realize that some times I can sound critical and preachy.  I have been doing my best not to sound like I am telling my family what to do.  Finally today I decided that I will only call once a day.  I realized that I need to step back and let them to what they need to do instead of offering more opinions. I realized that I make them feel that I am not trusting their judgement and care, which is the furthest thing from the truth.

“The reason many people in our society are miserable, sick, and highly stressed is because of an unhealthy attachment to things they have no control over.” –― Steve Maraboli

I realized that my constant calling is more for my benefit than theirs.  It makes me feel connected to them and it makes me feel I am doing something.  When I call I don’t feel far away.    I have to realize that I am already doing all I can at this point (I am the financial support).  This is another opportunity to Let Go and Let God!  Another opportunity to realize that the only thing I can control are my actions.  Nothing else is under my control.  Some things cannot be manipulated. Reaching for the phone every second I want to feel connected to them is overreacting, it is my way of avoiding my feelings and not going through my own grief and emotions.

This is a time for reflection.  Too many phone calls is reactive and impulsive and creates confusion and misunderstandings.  I need controlled and thoughtful action.  I have been wanting sugar more than usual, as I realize that sugar is my security blanket.  The great thing is I am fully aware of that and because I am aware I can slowly change it.   So instead of sugar I am going for humor, prayers and gratitude. Prayers sooth my soul and my heart.  Prayers are the perfect remedy, there is no time or place for it, and it is not caloric 🙂

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” ― George Burns

Humor is another great remedy for me.  I find ways to laugh and to make others laugh throughout my day.  I look for smiles and moments of gratitude and realize every second I am living is a second I should feel grateful for.  I am not denying, ignoring or making light of all that is going on, but I am not letting it control me.  A change in attitude and outlook changes everything.  I am not always successful, as just yesterday I blew up at one of my partners over something stupid.  He is very important to me and cares about me, therefore it makes him such an easy target.  My sister helped me realize that I needed to say sorry.  And I did! He, kind as usual, said he didn’t notice.  Then he added: It was only the second time in 30 years, so it is not bad.  I said: it was 2 times too many!

I have so much to be grateful for.  I have a loving  family that stick together in troubled times,  a brother and sister that cares and takes care of my parents as well as I would, a good insurance plan,  money to pay for all the extras not covered.  I also have a fighting and tough spirit, an inquisitive and open mind, a generous and caring heart.

“And in the end it is not the years in your life that count, it’s the life in your years.” ― Abraham Lincoln

Times like this makes me think of my mortality.  I am not afraid of dying, but I am afraid of wasting my life. I am in tune to the fact that if you want to do something to it today, now, because tomorrow is not a certainty.  Things can happen in the blink of an eye.

Are you ready to die today? If not, why are you living as if you are already dead? Why are you going from day to day as a zombie, not really feeling alive, not learning, not loving, not sharing, not challenging yourself?  Are you waiting for a wake up call? Are you waiting for a tragedy to realize that the moment is now? What is that one thing you have been wanting to do but keep postponing for the right time?  Do that one thing right now!!!

“Many people pray to be kept out of unexpected problems. Some people pray to be able to confront and overcome them.” ― Toba Beta, Betelgeuse Incident

My prayers have not changed, of course my dad and the rest of the family has been the focus of them, but I continue to pray for God not to give me what I want but what He knows I need and can handle at this time. Prayer to me is strength, is my recognizing that I am not at control.  Prayer is safety, is knowing that I am being taken care of, as long as I do my part,

My sister said to me yesterday, right after explaining another curve ball thrown at her:  I am not fighting any more, I am flexible, I am accepting!  I keep going, doing what I can!  That shows a great maturity and growth on her part (she was always the rebel one and the one not wanting to accept certain situations). I have been learning a lot from her and admire her fortitude in this and other situations.

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” ― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 

 

Accept it, live with it, don’t fight it!

24 Thursday Jul 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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So I have no friends, that fact has already been established on my last post.  Now I must set about making new, hopefully available, friends.  This post should be about all my efforts and results in that endeavor, but instead it is the opposite.  It is about the reasons why I am doing nothing, or very little.

This “doing nothing or very little” is very hard for this impulsive all or nothing Aries.  My approach to problems has never been slow and steady.  Once I determine a task needs to be done, and I want it bad enough, I jump head first.   I go about it in crazed fashion only intent on results and missing everything else.  Not this time! This time I am going for non-reaction and non-action.  It is often told that we should challenge ourselves and get out of our comfort zone, and this “doing nothing” is definitely uncomfortable to me.

 “Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

This is my way of attempting to learn not to react (and overreact) to events and situations.  This is accepting instead of fighting it and trying to change it.  I will eventually attack the task (making new friends), but the idea here is to have a better, more thoughtful and controlled approach.   I am controlling the problem, it is not controlling me.

This time I decided that perhaps I shouldn’t be so quick to try to correct a situation that I deem wrong and unacceptable.   This situation, and any uncomfortable situation, presents a big opportunity for contemplation and learning.  Perhaps I should spend some time in the moment and in the feeling of being friendless.   I should learn to acceptance silence and stillness.  I have no friends, but I am surrounded by sound and busyness of my own making: TV, music, internet, books, games, etc.  I feel I am always on, not knowing what to do with myself when all else is off.

 “For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” ― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I should accept the stillness and silence of the moment.  There is a need for friends but there is also value in the lack of it.  I am respecting the nature of things and God’s will.  There is a reason for this.  I will do my part, but I will not be aggressive and thoughtless, not that they are the same thing, but oftentimes that is what happens to me when I engage in something. I am in search of new activities that will lead me to new friends, but not with any urgency.  I am moving with the determination of a sloth, and I like it!

Perhaps this moment will yield some much needed creativity that I lack at the moment.   Perhaps the lesson here is humility, to realize that there is no shame in being friendless.  Being friendless should in no way have a reflection on the quality of my friendship.  Perhaps this approach will help me realize the need to take things slow and the need to focus.  Sometimes I lack focus, I do it all, and I do it all together.  I think I lack respect, respect for the function I am performing at the moment.   I am lucky that the result is always positive; things get done, and actually done well.  But I question if they are done as well as they should or could if I had really paid attention to each moment and task.

“You couldn’t relive your life, skipping the awful parts, without losing what made it worthwhile. You had to accept it as a whole–like the world, or the person you loved.” 
― Stewart O’Nan, The Odds: A Love Story

There is time for Book Clubs, gyms, Meetups etc, but there is only this one moment to feel the emptiness of the moment.  I always believed that happiness is an option,  and every morning as soon as I open my eyes I choose happiness. But happiness is also learning to be happy in this very moment, not on the moment somewhere in the future when I will have made new friends or in the past where I had friends to do things with.  Happiness is right here and right now.  I am still looking for friends and activities, but I got rid of the sense of urgency. I am learning to be okay with not having friends.   One can say I am basking in the glory of loneliness, I am letting it envelope me, but not to bring me sadness, but to bring me happiness and peace on my own.

I believe I am the master of my destiny so letting things happen is very hard.  But I am learning the benefits of letting marinate and flow as they will.  I always viewed that inaction and non-reaction as laziness.  It is actually the total opposite of laziness; it takes a real effort to let things be.  I have been amazed to realize that some things get resolved on their own without my having to do anything about it.  What an amazing realization!

 “The best way is not to fight it, just go. Don’t be trying all the time to fix things. What you run from only stays with you longer. When you fight something, you only make it stronger.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

Or maybe… just maybe… everything I wrote above is all a bunch of hogwash that I made up to make me feel good about my lack of effort and total lack of results.  😦

Grateful for Friends, Faith and Freedom!!!

03 Thursday Jul 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I have been having a great time watching the World Cup games.   Watching Brazil’s game last Saturday almost gave me heart attack.  I keep telling myself it is just a game but my heart cannot help but beat faster any time Brazil is playing.  It is in my blood, it is country pride.   We have been lucky to have come this far with subpar performances.  Tomorrow we need to get our act together and play the way we played at the Confederate’s Cup last year; otherwise it saddens me to say it may be the end of the road. 😦

The proper means of increasing the love we bear our native country is to reside some time in a foreign one.  ~William Shenstone

In between the games I have been busy at work.  There has been a lot on my plate lately, but fortunately I am one of those people that work well under pressure.

There is always time for dating and friends.  I had a couple of dates that seemed promising but we haven’t managed to get together again due to scheduling conflict.  The best thing at this time is that there is no rush on my part anymore.  I know things will happen when and if they are meant to happen.  It is amazing how just adjusting my attitude a little I am all of a sudden engulfed in “dating peace”.

Last Sunday I was treated to lunch by a friend and his family at a new Croatian Restaurant in my town.  It was a beautiful place, great service and great food.  But the best thing about the lunch was the company and conversation.  I felt so honored that they drove 2 hours to come and take me to lunch.  It is great when you are in the company of people that get you,  that think that you are funny and smart and want you to meet their loved ones. It is priceless!

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” ― Anaïs Nin

I may have mentioned before that Ex’s mother  and I have remained in touch.  She has now moved from her home in the Midwest to his house in NY.  The other day I took her to a Broadway show and dinner to celebrate her birthday.    She believes, well,  hopes, that one day he and I will find our way to each other.  I have made it clear I am no longer interested.

We saw “Once”, the musical.  I thought it was cute and funny with bits of drama and heartache in the middle.   I found it refreshing and not very “Brodwaylike”, not a lot of costumes and set design.  The main focus is the music.  I really enjoyed the songs and the Irish accent was easy to understand (it can be heard some times).  For dinner she chose Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.  I don’t particular care for themed restaurants, but we had a fun time having an early dinner while watching the throngs of people down on Times Square through our second floor window.

A friendship that can cease has never been real.” –   St. Jerome (374 – 419)

This holiday will be a quiet one.  I am looking forward to getting some sun, watching the World Cup games, and hopefully getting together with a friend or a date.  I am lucky to be able to see the fireworks from my balcony so that will be a treat.

The post today is really about my gratitude for God’s infinite love and ultimate plan.  I have always said I have this unshakable believe in God, but I have to confess, that in the last 3 years while trying to cope with the breakup I had instances of doubt  and questioning.  Why me?  Why now? And just plain Why?

-please note, when I say God, I mean that which you believe in (if you believe), the Light, a Superior Being, the Universe, whatever name you choose to call that invisible guiding and protecting knowledge you have in your heart and soul.

Why would God introduce me to a fairy-tale and then take it away in the blink of an eye? I wanted answers.  But as weeks, then months, then years passed, I started to doubt if I would ever have an answer.  I decided to just believe that God has a plan and a reason for everything on this earth, even though sometimes we are not privy to what that reason is.  I decided that having an answer for everything is overrated and it does not change the state of things.  Sometimes, the answer is right in front of our eyes and we just don’t want to accept it.

“Faith is not the belief that God will do what you want. It is the belief that God will do what is right.” ― Max Lucado

In the doubtful moments I took a second look at my life and faith.  God has never disappointed and let me down.  Whenever I listen to my heart I know I am hearing God’s whisper.  Faith is only a virtue when is totally blind and unquestioning.  I decided that Faith and Doubt are mutually exclusive, they cannot exist in the same world.  Having that knowledge showed me what to do. I just need to continue on, following my heart, working hard and doing what is right.  My job is to believe in God’s ultimate plan for me and not question it.  If I believe in God there should be no room for doubt and worries.

It it is not about the destination, but about the journey, then it is not about finding an answer, a reason for something have happened. It is about the lesson contained in that experience.  I have learned so much in the last 3 years as a result of the breakup.  I learned enough to know that I know nothing, that I am just scratching the surface of my knowledge and growth potential.

“The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason.” ― Benjamin Franklin

Fast forward to the present moment and it seems I have my answer after all.  I am so blessed not to be in Ex’s life right now.  I will not go into details.  The issues are his and not mine so I don’t feel right talking about them.  What I will say is that if I was still with him at this moment, my life would be totally upside-down, I would be crushed in so many levels.  I would be immersed in chaos, emotionally, financially and in every way.  I feel for him but I cannot help but feel relieved. I always felt he did me a favor, now I realize how big of a favor it was.

Since being told of all the goings on, I have been praying more. I have been thanking God for ultimately knowing what is best for me and for sparing me.  I have also been praying for Ex, his Mom and his girlfriend as I would not want to be in her shoes at the moment.  I feel sad for him.

God really has a plan and things definitely happen for a reason.   Let time, space and faith work its magic.  Learning to accept events and let nature take its course has been hard for me but ultimately what I needed most.  I am learning more and more to be less reactive and let things marinate before acting.  I have learned to be more accepting, I cannot change others, only myself.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ― Lao Tzu

I am certain I am exactly where I need to be at the moment.  I should never spend a second of my precious and blessed life second guessing and doubting decisions I have taken, and situations I have found myself in. I am where and what God wants me to be!

I want to wish everyone an awesome 4th of July! I am taking this moment as an opportunity to be grateful not only for US’s independence, but also, taking a step further, for all the freedoms and rights I have.  I thank the ones that came before me and fought hard, and the ones that are still fighting (literally and figuratively) so that I can live as free as I live.  I am blessed to live in this beautiful and amazing land of opportunity.  Brazil is my roots, it is in my veins and in my heart, but US has welcomed me with open arms and made me what I am today, and for that I am infinitely grateful. No matter where you are, or which country you are from, let’s all celebrate Independence, freedom and choice! 

It is not rejection, it is kindness!

11 Wednesday Jun 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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My dating life is slow again.  There are potentials but then for one reason or another it just fizzles out.  We never get to go on a first date.  The last one was this guy that seemed like a great match for me.  We had exchanged emails so great that I was tempted to copy and paste on my blog.  Then, all of a sudden, nothing, just a deafening silence!

It is a mystery to me why somebody engages in conversation and/or long emails, seems all interested and then all of a sudden they disappear.  No “good bye”, no “I changed my mind”, nothing!

In the past I would have emailed/called and questioned them.  In the past I would have needed closure.  I would have spent countless hours analyzing and searching for answers.  Now I just think to myself: “Thank you”.  This acceptance is one of the benefits of experience, pain and growth.

I realize that knowing the answer wouldn’t change the fact that the person has chosen to go away. I now try to devote my time to more worthwhile activities instead of dissecting a futile situation.  I am still baffled but I know better than to look for answers where there is none that will make it okay for somebody to just walk away without a word.

All I know, and the most important lesson here,  is that whatever reason they chose to walk away it has nothing to do with me.   It is about them and what is going on in their lives.

I actually decided to take this it as an act of kindness.  They realized that we wouldn’t work out in the long run and they decided to go away and leave the path free for another person that will be better suited for me. How awesome is that? Heartache averted!!

I take this opportunity now to thank every person that comes into my life for the lessons and experiences.  I thank the ones that choose to stay, but I thank the ones that choose to leave even more!

I realize I am not for the faint of heart.  I can be aggressive and not afraid to speak my mind.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  Therefore, it will take time to find the right person for me, the person that will find that a good thing and will not be intimidated. I am searching for a needle in a haystack, but I am never afraid of impossible propositions.  It will make the rewards that much sweeter.

Each guy that walks away leaves the path clear for the right guy to come along. Each guy that leaves means progress, one person closer to the right person. Each experience is also making me enjoy more my single life and realize how awesome it is.

Today I am celebrating this new improved me!  Here is for a healthy attitude adjustment!  It is not what happens to me,  it is how I perceive it and how I react to it!!

“These are the few ways we can practice humility:
To speak as little as possible of one’s self.
To mind one’s own business.
Not to want to manage other people’s affairs.
To avoid curiosity.
To accept contradictions and correction cheerfully.
To pass over the mistakes of others.
To accept insults and injuries.
To accept being slighted, forgotten and disliked.
To be kind and gentle even under provocation.
Never to stand on one’s dignity.
To choose always the hardest.”
― Mother Teresa