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“He was swimming in a sea of other people’s expectations. Men had drowned in seas like that.” ― Robert Jordan, New Spring

Even though I haven’t gone on any dates since I re-joined Match over a month ago, I have exchanged a lot messages with potentials, and therefore I have some stories to tell.  I could have gone on some dates, but due to my lack of time, I am being more selective. I rather not waste anybody’s time.  or mine.

There were some guys that I was getting only a friend vibe and not romance.  I gave them the friendship option.  A couple agreed but we haven’t met yet.

When I started online dating years ago I never spoke on the phone prior to meeting in person.  Then I relaxed a little about that rule and would give my number out if I thought someone was serious.  Now, after exchanging numbers with a couple of people and being frustrated with the experience, I am back to not talking on the phone.  Of course, every now and then I may change my mind.   

“There’s a butterfly that has been hovering around the window. It doesn’t know where to go. I am that butterfly.” ― Bhuwan Thapaliya

In no particular order:

The Uninterested Learner:  This guy mentions that he is learning Portuguese, and writes a few words in Portuguese.  I get excited that we have something to talk about right away.  I reply with a simple greeting in Portuguese.  He takes 2 days to reply that he doesn’t know what it means. What about Google? Anyway, I translate it and try to initiate a conversation.  He goes silent again.  Then comes back again with a hi.  I reply and he goes silent.  It shows his level of interest.  I am not hanging around for a hi every few days.  Bye, or as we say in Brazil, tchau (ciao)!

The Busy Caller.  This guy and the one below are the reasons why I am not giving my number out anymore.  We had a great conversation on the phone, so great that he kept calling and I kept answering. Until I got tired of it.  He would end every call with: “We need to meet”, but never made plans.  I proposed meeting for coffee a couple of times, but he was always was busy.  I stopped answering the phone.  Talk is cheap.

The Not so Spiritually-Grown.   He said he wanted to just say a quick hi and make plans to meet. He called and we talked for almost 1 hour about, yes you guessed, spiritual growth.  He was eager to mention the many years he has been working on himself and how he has grown as a person.  

We made dinner plans for the following evening.  Next day comes and he texts: “I didn’t sleep well, and I don’t feel like driving to your town tonight.  Tomorrow night I have plans already, and then I am leaving for Spain for 10 days.  I will contact you when I return.”  Good thing I didn’t hold my breath. Ten days have come and gone long ago. Honesty is a sign of spiritual growth, or perhaps of just a descent human.  I knew he would never reach out again, so why not just be honest?

“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” ― Plato

The All about Boating guy:  He lives by a small lake about 1 hour away. We tried making plans to meet, but he always canceled over boating issues. The first time he canceled because there was an unexpected meeting about the dock, then someone was coming to fix the dock, then he had to go boating with his brother.  I decided not to try to schedule anymore.  I was already not feeling it, and I decided that he is too far invested in a boating lifestyle.  I am not, and don’t want to be.  In the end I just didn’t feel we wouldn’t be a good match and didn’t want him traveling 1 hour to see me, when he could go boating instead. 😊

The Bluffer:  this is a bunch of guys and not only one.  They will just come out with something like: “How about we grab a drink this week, what day are you free? ” I say: “sure”, and suggest a day. They in turn can never find the time.  They are not sure when they are free, but they keep messaging and wasting my time.  Why ask someone out if there is no intention of going through with it?

The Disingenuous.   He asked for my number right away.  I said no, and explained why not.  He asked me:  “How can we make plans to meet if you don’t give me your number?”  I said: “Right here, the same way we are communicating now.”  We exchanged a few more messages.  On Saturday morning he messages me asking me to lunch on Sunday.  When I replied accepting his invitation he was not online anymore.  And he was not online again until Sunday night, when he said:  “I got busy with my kids and didn’t have a chance to check Match. If I had your number…”

I didn’t really say what I wanted to say.  When I didn’t hear back from him on Saturday I knew there would be no Sunday brunch.  I have seen that movie before.

Note: So happens that as I am writing this he has another invitation for me.  Details to follow.

“I think Kitaru is honestly seeking something,” I went on. “In his own way, at his own pace. It’s just that I don’t think he’s grasped yet what it is. That’s why he can’t make any progress. If you don’t know what you’re looking for, it’s not easy to look for it.” ― Murakami Haruki

The Back Pedaling guy.  We exchanged a few messages, he invites me to dinner and I say yes.  Location and time are set. Then I get a video call request from him through the app.  I don’t accept it.  He then says that he hit that button by accident.  Later he says that is probably a good idea that we have a video call before meeting so that we can see that we are who we say we are. Because, as he said: “I could show up and you are a man”.  Yep, he said that, and he has not been the first.

This is a total turn off for me.  If you are not sure about someone then don’t schedule a date.  Be upfront about your needs and wants.  I don’t do video calls.  I have no interest in that.  Date was canceled.  He then said that we should meet for coffee.  While I have no problem in meeting for coffee, or for nothing really, like meeting at the library or something like that, I don’t like how he handled this.  I am not interested anymore.

The Young and Not Classy.  This guy is eight years younger than me, but by the way he went on and on, you would think that he was 20 years younger.  Side note:  I look younger than him.  In the first few messages there was no mention of age.  Then he started with questions such as if I don’t mind that he is younger, have I dated younger men, what is the youngest men I ever dated, etc.  It just got annoying that he kept obsessing about the age difference. If age is not an issue, then don’t make it an issue. Bye baby!

The All about Sex.  This guy seemed funny and in the beginning we exchanged a few cute messages.  There were a couple of innuendos thrown in there, and I just played along. I am okay with that, and probably guilt of that.  But he kept going and seemed stuck on the sexual innuendo world.  I tried guiding the messages to other areas but he was one track mind.  I got off that track before I got run over.  

“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

The Bad Interviewer.  He talks/write a lot, but it is not really a conversation.  It is being bombarded with questions that are meaningless to me.  What is your favorite color?  If you could be a pet which would you be?  What is your favorite food? What is your favorite season? Have you ever broken a bone? What is your favorite day of the week?  Day or night? And the list of inane questions goes on and on.  Finally I just sent one question back: “Date or no date?”.  He didn’t get it.  He never will.

Don’t be turned off to online dating after reading this.  There are some good guys also.  Not that those above are not good people.  They are just not good for me. 

There will always be miscommunications, misunderstandings, assumptions, expectations and the such.  Some people are just difficult.  I am difficult.

I believe in online dating.  I am grateful for the opportunity of meeting people that I wouldn’t normally have a chance to meet in my day to day life.  I still see joy in it, even though some times the water there is so murky one cannot see anything, let alone joy.

“Time provides all of us with the opportunity to change, alter our belief system, and create new perspectives that challenge a person’s character and teach him or her how to become a happier and wiser person.” ― Kilroy J. Oldster, Dead Toad Scrolls