Category Archives: Dating

Dates Update: September 2022

02 Sunday Oct 2022

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“Abandon the urge to simplify everything, to look for formulas and easy answers, and to begin to think multidimensionally, to glory in the mystery and paradoxes of life, not to be dismayed by the multitude of causes and consequences that are inherent in each experience — to appreciate the fact that life is complex.” ― M. Scott Peck

Here is a quick update on the last few dates:

The 60-year old Stock Broker. We became texting friends.  He is a great guy, but there was really no chemistry for me.  His life has been very complicated lately, so we haven’t been able to meet again, as friends.  I hope that the complications in his life get sorted out.

The 65-year old Doctor.  The coffee date went well. The conversation was great, but I didn’t think there was enough there for a second date.  I was surprised when he texted a few days later, and asked me out on a second date for Wednesday night. 

I said yes, thinking there was no harm in meeting for a second time.  I immediately realized that I had said yes to someone else also, but decided not to cancel right away.

It turns out I didn’t need to.  The next day he texted and said: “I just got out of a relationship and I’m not ready.  I need to hold off on Wednesday for now.”  I said: “no problem, best wishes”

Later he texted back that he was going to call me on Wednesday.  I replied that I didn’t see the point of that.  He came back with: “It is not that I am not interested.  I just need to take some time for myself.”

I just decided not to reply anymore.  He is just cheap and doesn’t want to spend money on dinner, that is my take.  While I am not a materialistic person, I am allergic to cheapness.

Yesterday he texted: “What are you doing Saturday”

If I were going to answer it would be: “Not going out with you.”

I didn’t reply.  I don’t want to spend any  on him anymore.

The dog guy.  He is a great guy, but only friend material.  There was not any hint of anything romantic about our two dates.  I think he realized it also.  After some texting back and forth, it fizzled. I will miss Mr. W. the dog.

Then there was Mr. Very Smart. We went on one date. We had dinner at Sergio’s in Pelham, NY.  Everything was delicious, including the conversation.  He is so wise and resourceful that he was able to find this blog with very little information.  So, if you are reading this: Hello 🙂

I met him between dates 1 and 2 with the guy I will be mentioning next.  Had I not gone on additional dates with Mr. Sweetness, I would probably have gone on additional dates with Mr. Very Smart.

That brings me to Mr. Sweet.  We had 4 dates so far.  Since this post is getting too long, I will be writing about him on the next.

I will just mention that all feel magical!

“When nothing is expected, and everything is appreciated, all becomes magical.” ― Broms The Poet, Feast

Two dates and a dog

20 Tuesday Sep 2022

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On Sunday I had two dates.

I normally wouldn’t drive out of my way to go on a coffee date, but the meeting place was Barnes & Noble in White Plains, NY.  I love book stores.  This guy and I had been exchanging hellos for awhile and I wanted to see if there was anything there.

We agreed to meet at 10am.  I went earlier to browse the shelves, but they only open at 10am :-(.  Even though there was a Starbucks inside Barnes & Noble we decided to walk across the street to Hastings Tea & Coffee and sit outside.

He is a 65 year old doctor. He still works. He has some kind of rotation that has him working for 24 hours once every two weeks. I would love that schedule.

He looked, dressed and acted younger than his age.  I enjoyed meeting him and we talking about a lot different things, including spiritual stuff.  Time flew by.  I realized it was already almost noon and I quickly got up to leave. He was surprised I was leaving.

I am not sure if there will be a second date.  Even though the conversation was great, I am not sure if there is enough there to meet up again.  We shall see.

***

After that date I was supposed to go with a friend to brunch but she canceled last minute. I had brunch at home with my sister and did stuff around the apartment. 

The cute dog above is Mr. W.  I don’t want to disclose his name, but he has an imposing name that starts with W., so use your imagination.

I met my date and Mr. W. at 5:30pm at The Broken Bow Brewery in Tuckahoe, NY.  They were were sitting at a table outside in the back.  Mr W. is the nicest, quietest dog you could ever meet.  My date had a flight of beers, I had nothing.  I didn’t want to drink or eat anything before dinner.

At 6:30pm we left and went to Burrata Restaurant in Eastchester, NY, just a few blocks away. We had a couple of appetizers of eggplant and meatball and we shared a couple of pizza pies, a margherita and a prosciutto.  I had a Cappelletti spritz cocktail, he had red wine. Everything was delicious.

I didn’t have dessert.  A win!  But don’t be so proud, I have been overindulging in sugar at all other times.

Similar to the first date, we had a great time.  It feels like we are old friends. We talk and laugh a lot.  We talk a lot about cool restaurants, vacations, works, etc.  I like picking his brain on technology topics.  

At the end of dinner, I stopped by his car to say bye to Mr. W.  He had stayed in the car while  we were at the restaurant.  The car has dog mode, which I had never heard of before meeting him.  It means that it is climate controlled, and there is the huge sign on the dashboard alerting passersby:

We awkwardly hugged goodbye. As we quickly hugged I think that I subconsciously avoided his lips, so there was this quick brush on the side of my lips.  There was not an ounce of romance vibe during dinner, so I didn’t expect anything.  I am not sure if he is just shy or doesn’t have much interest.  So, I am not even sure if he was trying to kiss me.  

We will see if there is a third date…

***

I have 2 dates this week with 2 new characters 🙂  I decided not to wait for life to slow down to live it up.

“A woman has to live her life, or live to repent not having lived it.”
― D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover

 

 

 

 

Playland Park Date

18 Sunday Sep 2022

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Friday evening  I went on a date with a 52 year old IT engineer.  He suggested we meet at Playland, an amusement park in Rye, NY.  I loved the idea of having a different date, other than dinner and drinks.

We met in the parking lot. There was no hug or kiss hello, but it was not awkward either.  The moment we met we just started talking and didn’t stop.

We chose not to go on any rides in the park.  I have been taking motion sickness pills and allergy pills due to vertigo and also sinusitis, so I didn’t want to chance it.  He had been talking a lot about the Dragon Coaster, so I offered to ride it with him anyway, but he declined.



We walked around, talking about the last time we each had been there.  It had been a couple of years for me, but for him was over 10 years. The parks sits in a beautiful area by the water. So it was a beautiful walk in and out of the park.

We talked about a lot different things. We talked about work since he works in a similar industry. We also talked about his dog, travels, etc.

We played water gun games. I won the little pig in the picture below.  I also had Dippin Dots ice cream. Total win!



I discovered that evenings in September are the best time to go to Playland.  The park was almost empty.

We arrived at the park at 6pm.  At 8pm we got into our respective cars and went to downtown Rye to look for a place to have dinner.  We ended up at Meso, a mediterranean restaurant.

We shared skewers of shrimp, chicken and beef for appetizers.  Then he had the salmon, and I had the black sea bass.   To drink I had a cocktail made with vodka, hibiscus, st. germain; and he had a beer. Everything was delicious!

 
He is funny and a bit of a nerd, smart about a multitude of subjects.  I find humor and intelligence very attractive. 

I am not sure about chemistry, but it is worth a second date. And that will happen tomorrow night.  His dog is coming on the date also, but will be staying in the car.  Apparently his dog loves being in the car, and his car has something called dog mode.

He is paying attention.  He chose a restaurant that I mentioned that I like but haven;t been to in years.  See you back here tomorrow to report after the second date 🙂

Audit and Dating, same difference

15 Thursday Sep 2022

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I am sorry friends; it has been two weeks since I last posted.  Blame it on the audit that my firm is going through… combined with laziness and lack of motivation.

It is so easy for me to get off track with anything.  It then takes ages to get back on track.  Right now, exercise has been suffering.  I find that my eating habits and exercise go hand in hand.  If one is off, then the other goes off also.

French lessons on Duolingo have been a thing of the past.  I keep restarting.

I am learning how to allow myself to just be and live without pressure.  No need to be battering myself with negativity.  I get off track, I will just dust myself off and get back on track.  As many times as necessary.

The audit is going much better than I had anticipated.  The auditors have come and gone from our offices.  They were more personable than the prior ones.  

They are gone physically but their requests and questions continue. I found out today that we are not going to be tested on all areas, so that accounts for it being easier than I expected.  Fingers crossed it all continues to go smoothly, and it ends soon.

I am finally realizing that I don’t need to stress myself out… until I need to stress myself out. The pre-worry, the anxiety, the living on tomorrow doesn’t help with anything. Some of what I worry about never come to pass, so it has just been useless worry, wasted energy.

I went on one date last Friday.  He is a 60-year-old Stock trader that I had met a couple of years ago on another app but had never met.  He drove from Brooklyn during rush hour.  So, a 40-minute trip took one hour and half on that Friday evening.

We met at Rye Bar and Grill.  The place was a fun, noisy restaurant with a big bar, and tables in and outdoors.  I met him by the bar, and after some small talk we moved to a table. I had a glass of prosecco and he had a couple of beers.  We shared messy chicken wings for appetizers.  I had burger and fries.  He had a skirt steak.  The food was okay.  Not the best or worst I ever had.  I didn’t have dessert… yes be proud 🙂

We had a great time.  He is a great guy, but again I am not sure about a future.  I didn’t really detect any, so I am not sure about a second date.  We have been testing, so perhaps he is willing to be friends…

There was a point in time that I would go on a date as an excuse to get dressed up and go out.  That is not fun to me anymore.  I need to have the idea that something could happen… a friendship or something more, else.

What I am getting a lot lately is guys wanting to meet for coffee during the day.  Even though sometimes I can, I don’t like to meet during the day on a week day.  I much rather be done with work and relax, than have to hurry there and back. Plus it is much more romantic to meet for drinks at the end of the day,  than to meet for coffee, as a first date.

I have been blocked by 2 guys this week because of that.  Or perhaps there were other reasons.  

Guy 1 – He chose a place in his town, 40 minutes away from me.  I suggested a place closer to me on a weekend. He changed the subject, then blocked me. 

Guy 2 – He asked me out for coffee during the day.  I suggested coffee at the end of the day.  He kept ignoring that and insisting on meeting during the day during the week. Then he complained that I was making things difficult.  Before I had a change to reply he blocked me.

Whatever their reasons were, they have done me a favor by not continuing to waste my energy.

I no longer need to know the why of things.  All I need to do is accept and move on.  All I need to do is be grateful.  Everything that comes to me or moves away from me is a blessing.

I have a date tomorrow. It should be fun. Stay tuned.

I finished another mosaic piece. It is pretty 🙂 Stay tuned.

 

 

I had a date with Bernie Madoff

28 Sunday Aug 2022

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“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.” ― Rita Mae Brown, Alma Mater

Well, not really Bernie, but kind of.  Read on.

First things first, the place and the food.  I met my date at Hinoki in Greenwich, CT.  It was an Asian fusion restaurant.  It was packed on this Thursday night.  We stood by the bar until we waited for a table or seats at the bar.  Eventually we sat at the bar.

As I mentioned on the previous post, I wasn’t expecting much from the date.  I thought it would be more of a business connection.  Since we are both in financial services I was curious to see if our firms intersected in some way. 

During the evening He had a couple of beers and I had a couple of passion fruit cocktails.  We shared a few small dishes.  The tuna taco, lettuce wrap and fried rice were delicious.  I will definitely go back for the food.

A couple of red flags:

First, as soon as we got to the bar,  before I knew it, he  already had a beer in front of him. I was surprised he would not ask me first what I wanted to drink before ordering.  I assumed it was nerves, but now I am thinking is just plain inconsideration. We now have a pretty good idea of who will come first in this relationship.

Second, when I was telling him that my last “relationship” ended when I was called an asshole, his comment was: “So, everyone call names when they fight”.

Excuse me! No, not everyone calls each other names.  I don’t, and I don’t want to be in a relationship where that is ok.  For the record, there was no fighting with B (last relationship).  He was frustrated about not seeing me as often as he wanted and fired of a text calling me an asshole. 

The fact that he thinks that it is okay for people in romantic relationships to call each other asshole is disturbing to me.

“That’s all it takes, one drop of fear to curdle love into hate.” ― James M Cain

So it seems, I will never come first and I will be called names. Why am I interested in seeing him again? 

Sad, right?   I think I am the queen of giving people the benefit of the doubt. I was thinking that the first red flag was nerves, and the second was that I didn’t explain correctly how the name calling occurred. It seems I am already making excuses for the guy.

Towards the end of the date he asked me what I would be doing after it.  I joked I was going on another date.  He laughed, then invited me to have a glass of wine in his apartment after.  I said: No, thank you.

It was actually a fun date, and there was chemistry. We communicated well, took turns asking each other questions.  I was willing to go on a second date to find out more. Yes, I was 🙁

“To make no mistakes is not in the power of man; but from their errors and mistakes the wise and good learn wisdom for the future.” ― Plutarch

That Thursday night, while in bed trying to sleep I kept thinking about the date.  Something was giving me pause.  I decided to get up and Google him again now that I had more information to go on.   Before going on any date I will Google the person and try to find as much information I can.  Before the date I found his business and some other information that told me he was who he was saying he was.

But now, I had some additional information, such as his ex-wife’s name and the country that he lived in for awhile. So I got up and Googled his name along with the ex-wife’s name.

And shock of all shocks, so much information came up.  I found out that many years ago he has been in Federal prison for some type of scam.  It seems that even after getting out of prison he went on to have more issues with the SEC.  I don’t want to say too much as I am afraid of giving too much info about someone that is not present to defend himself.

So, what is your opinion?  Do people deserve a second chance?  Can someone regenerate?  For me, if I am with someone and something happens, I am going to stick by them. But in this case, do I want to start something with someone that already had issues hanging over his head?

 “All men make mistakes, but a good man yields when he knows his course is wrong, and repairs the evil. The only crime is pride.” ― Sophocles, Antigone

According to what I read he thinks he did nothing wrong.  As I am going through an audit now, I know that the regulators can be pretty picky and enforce some outdated and irrelevant rules.  But, I think this is me once again trying to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

I guess the answer is a very simple one for me.  I am more and more wanting to simplify my life of any excess, including excess drama.  I would live in fear that he could be at some point be led away in handcuffs.

Then the following day, Friday, he texts me and invites me for dinner, here is the exchange:

I don’t think he will reach out again.  I don’t think that he is the type of man that is concerned about a woman’s comfort level, and don’t care enough to care. 

I wonder if he would ever tell me about his past had we continued dating.  What do you think about it?  How much does one need to divulge about their past on dates?    When should people disclose such a type of baggage to a potential partner? Are some things okay to keep secret? 

What about the less important, at the moment, question: When it is okay to go to a date’s house?

This post has issues that I could have expended on and perhaps should have, but for now you have the gist of it.

“I don’t know why it’s so hard for people to admit that sometimes they’re just assholes who screw up because they don’t expect to get caught.” ― Karen M. McManus, One of Us Is Lying

 

Short Stories of my days

25 Thursday Aug 2022

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Work: My assistant is back.  Work-life returning to normal.  Well, not really. There is an on-going regulatory audit to deal with.  Perhaps will be done by October.

ATM mishap: A lesson: If the ATM looks beat-up and old, do not try to get money out of it.  The machine made a sound like it was about to spill out the money.  Never did.  The bank was closed.  Had to call my bank.  Now I have to wait 2 days to see if the money is returned to my account.

Mosaic: I will be posting my latest piece tomorrow.   The girls at the studio didn’t like it.   And perhaps that is the reason I love it so much. 

Dates:  Last night:  Went on a date with a motivational speaker.  Nice guy.  He talked so much it was overwhelming. Motivated me to try to talk less on dates.  I may have that in me.  That need to talk, talk, talk.

We went to a diner.  I had breakfast. He had dinner. He was busy talking. I was busy eating.  He took home most of his.  I ate every last bite of mine.

I got home and thanked him for the date, and mentioned there was no chemistry for me.  He sent me this:  

We certainly think very differently about the way chemistry works. I don’t like trying to be convinced otherwise, as I have tried it in the past and it doesn’t work.

And, yes Rob, he has a cat! 

Tonight: I am going on a date with a guy in the financial services industry.  For some reason I feel it is a business connection and not a romantic one.  Whatever it is, it is Thursday night – date night in my book, so I will be dressing up and having an adult beverage. 

“Short stories are tiny windows into other worlds and other minds and other dreams. They are journeys you can make to the far side of the universe and still be back in time for dinner.” –― Neil Gaiman

Oh chemistry, where are you?

20 Saturday Aug 2022

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“There are three ways you can get along with a girl: one, shut up and listen to what she has to say; two, tell her you like what she’s wearing; and three, treat her to really good food…If you do all that and still don’t get the results you want, better give up.” ― Haruki Murakami

Last night I had the second date with the 58 year semi-retired engineer. We went to La Piccola Casa em Mamaroneck, NY.  It is a restaurant that sits across the street from the Harbor.  And that is the only good thing about it.

Any time that the butter served with the bread tastes like fridge (you know, like it has been stored unsealed in the fridge for several days) I know it will not be a good experience.  I had the spaghetti Bolognese and that was okay.  My date had the spinach and veal ravioli.  He said he couldn’t detect veal or spinach. I didn’t want to try it.  There was no cocktail menu, so I had a glass of prosecco.    

For dessert I had the tiramisu and he had the chocolate mousse cake.  I took one bite of each and that was it.  Both tasted old!  I will never return to that restaurant. 

Now on to my date.  He was, again, charming and well dressed.  He said I looked pretty every chance he got.  He looked into my eyes and I could see joy.  I cannot find fault with him.  Except that there is really no chemistry.  I went on the second date hoping that I would feel sparks. No such luck.

I should know better.  With me chemistry is either there or not there, it doesn’t seem to grow out of nowhere.  But still I will always err on the side of a second date to make sure.

After dinner we walked across the street and sat at a swinging bench by the water.  It was pretty and romantic.  Really ideal, except that I felt I was sitting with a friend and not a potential lover.  I was hoping he wouldn’t try to kiss me, but at the same time I figured that would be the best way to detect if there was any chemistry.

“The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender.” ― Emil Ludwig

He said something cute, got up, faced me and then kissed me.  As I suspected I really felt nothing.  I kissed him back out of politeness.  I mean, what is one to do?   There was no make out session or anything, just a kiss.  It is not like he was a bad kisser.  I have had bad kissers before.  It was just no sparks.  My lips didn’t want to be there.

Didn’t I feel anything because I expected to feel nothing?  Did I really give him a chance? Do I run any time someone likes me so much?  All possibilities.

On the walk to my car he mentioned that he likes a lot kissing, touching, etc, and that we wouldn’t be a match if I didn’t like the same.  I guess he realized that I was not really into the kiss.  I didn’t have the heart to say, right then and there, what the problem really was. 

He asked me about meeting for a 3rd date this weekend.  I said that I wasn’t sure as I didn’t know about my schedule, but I would let him know.  That was the truth.  I didn’t know if I was going away this weekend or not.   And, believe it or not, I was still on the fence about a third date.  He did mention going to a steakhouse I like.  Who can blame me?

The next morning, I woke up completely sure of what I needed to do.  I had to tell him that I was not feeling it.  I just didn’t want to hurt his feelings.  Does it hurt to be told that your feelings are not reciprocated? It does! But to me it is more hurtful to be told a stupid excuse and have my intelligence insulted.

“Honesty is more than not lying. It is truth telling, truth speaking, truth living, and truth loving.” ― James E. Faust

So when he texted me this morning to wish me a good day, I asked if he could talk.  He said yes and I called him.   I told him how amazing I think he is, but that I feel no chemistry and don’t think that it can magically appear.  I mentioned that I don’t want to waste his time and energy continuing to go on dates. 

He was very nice about it, as I knew he would be.  He said he understood.  He wished me well.  He said that he hoped I would find an amazing person.  He said to look him up any time I am in his area. I will.

The other guy from last week and I are just drifting off.  I am not really that interested either, even though he is also a nice guy.  And the search continues.

My sister and I are off to the Mountain Creek area in NJ to spend the weekend with a couple of friends. It will be very hot so we will be mostly by the pool instead of out and about or hiking.

You all have a blessed weekend! May you be open and welcoming to the infinite possibilities! Step out and take a chance.

“Listen with curiosity. Speak with honesty. Act with integrity.”
― Roy Bennett

 

 

From Famine to Feast

17 Wednesday Aug 2022

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“Everything in the universe has a rhythm, everything dances. ” ― Maya Angelou

After no dates for a while, I had 2 dates in 2 days.

The guy that I called “The Disingenuous” on the prior post invited me to go see Steely Dan.  I had not blocked him because I sensed that he was harmless and just perhaps a little misguided. I mentioned to him that I didn’t think he was serious about meeting because of what he had done before.

He apologized, and said it was not his intention to appear that he was playing games.  I said ok, and he quickly got the tickets and then asked for restaurant suggestions.  I gave him a couple of names and he booked a place that I like, Sonora Restaurant.

We met near The Capitol in Port Chester, that was where Steely Dan was playing.  From there we went together to the restaurant.  It was a gorgeous evening, so we sat outside.  We shared several small plates instead of ordering an entrée.  It just felt faster that way, as we had the concert to go to. 

We shared different tacos, eggplant meatballs, yucca fries, quinoa cakes, etc. To drink I had the Brazilian Cosmopolitan, made with blood orange vodka.  He had iced tea.  He quit drinking. He said he doesn’t have a problem with alcohol, he just feels he doesn’t need it. Everything was delicious and the conversation flowed. 

“A man should hear a little music, read a little poetry, and see a fine picture every day of his life, in order that worldly cares may not obliterate the sense of the beautiful which God has implanted in the human soul.” ― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The theater is beautiful and the concert was great.  Even though I really didn’t grow up listening to Steely Dan, I recognized a few songs.  They didn’t play their most famous one, and the one that I knew the most, Rikki Don’t Lose My Number.   The entire band was amazing. Every single one so talented!!

After the concert, he walked me to my car and we hugged goodbye.  It was the strongest hug I ever received.  The jury is still out if that was a good or bad thing.  I am thinking he was just eager.

We have texted back and forth for a little bit.  I am not sure if we will see each other again.  He is 60 years old, but looks younger. He has been married twice, and has 3 kids, the 2 youngest are 10 years old.  He works as some type of smart home/alarm sales – not sure exactly the details.  Maybe it is worth a second date.  I didn’t really feel much chemistry. I am just not sure.

“The beauty of God is in the wind, in the movement of the ocean, it is in the eyes of a woman gazing at her lover, pouring the deep red wine of love from her eyes like two crystal cups. There is a God who dances and who loves and who longs to sing of love…And I mean that God is music; all inclusive, benevolent and life-affirming, unashamed human emotion.”― Jeff Buckley

On Saturday I went on a date with a 58 years semi-retired engineer.  He has been divorced for 3 years and has 2 grown sons.  We went to an awesome restaurant called Harvest on Hudson.  It was facing the Hudson River.  The location was gorgeous and the food so yummy.  

I had an awesome cocktail, that I don’t recall the name, but it had passion fruit and Aperol in it. He had vodka soda. I had cod fish fritters for appetizer and eggplant for the entrée.  He had meatballs, and then linguine. For dessert I had the tiramisu, and it was probably the best I ever had. 

“Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.” ― Mark Twain

He must have said I was beautiful at least 10 times. Not only to me, but to the hostess, to the bartender, to the waiter, to anyone we interacted with.  He also loved my dress and my glasses.

After dinner we walked by the river, then to my car.  We hugged good bye with a quick peck on the lips.  I forgot to mention, when I first met him, it seemed he was going for my lips and I turned so he gave me a peck on the cheek. In my book, when upon meeting someone, peck on the cheek is ok and the norm, on the lips no.  Yes, I am a prude lol

We have texted just a couple of times and last night he called me and invited me to dinner tomorrow (Thursday).  I said yes.  I am not sure there is a lot of chemistry but he seems so nice that I want to go on a second date and see if there is anything there. 

I had 2 great dates with 2 great guys.  When that happens I get reminded of the beauty of the potential and possibilities.  I get the feeling that I am getting closer.  One never knows, and that is why I keep trying.  Feeling blessed and hopeful.

“I have made a lot of mistakes falling in love, and regretted
most of them, but never the potatoes that went with them.” ― Nora Ephron

 

Dating? What Dating?

11 Thursday Aug 2022

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“He was swimming in a sea of other people’s expectations. Men had drowned in seas like that.” ― Robert Jordan, New Spring

Even though I haven’t gone on any dates since I re-joined Match over a month ago, I have exchanged a lot messages with potentials, and therefore I have some stories to tell.  I could have gone on some dates, but due to my lack of time, I am being more selective. I rather not waste anybody’s time.  or mine.

There were some guys that I was getting only a friend vibe and not romance.  I gave them the friendship option.  A couple agreed but we haven’t met yet.

When I started online dating years ago I never spoke on the phone prior to meeting in person.  Then I relaxed a little about that rule and would give my number out if I thought someone was serious.  Now, after exchanging numbers with a couple of people and being frustrated with the experience, I am back to not talking on the phone.  Of course, every now and then I may change my mind.   

“There’s a butterfly that has been hovering around the window. It doesn’t know where to go. I am that butterfly.” ― Bhuwan Thapaliya

In no particular order:

The Uninterested Learner:  This guy mentions that he is learning Portuguese, and writes a few words in Portuguese.  I get excited that we have something to talk about right away.  I reply with a simple greeting in Portuguese.  He takes 2 days to reply that he doesn’t know what it means. What about Google? Anyway, I translate it and try to initiate a conversation.  He goes silent again.  Then comes back again with a hi.  I reply and he goes silent.  It shows his level of interest.  I am not hanging around for a hi every few days.  Bye, or as we say in Brazil, tchau (ciao)!

The Busy Caller.  This guy and the one below are the reasons why I am not giving my number out anymore.  We had a great conversation on the phone, so great that he kept calling and I kept answering. Until I got tired of it.  He would end every call with: “We need to meet”, but never made plans.  I proposed meeting for coffee a couple of times, but he was always was busy.  I stopped answering the phone.  Talk is cheap.

The Not so Spiritually-Grown.   He said he wanted to just say a quick hi and make plans to meet. He called and we talked for almost 1 hour about, yes you guessed, spiritual growth.  He was eager to mention the many years he has been working on himself and how he has grown as a person.  

We made dinner plans for the following evening.  Next day comes and he texts: “I didn’t sleep well, and I don’t feel like driving to your town tonight.  Tomorrow night I have plans already, and then I am leaving for Spain for 10 days.  I will contact you when I return.”  Good thing I didn’t hold my breath. Ten days have come and gone long ago. Honesty is a sign of spiritual growth, or perhaps of just a descent human.  I knew he would never reach out again, so why not just be honest?

“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” ― Plato

The All about Boating guy:  He lives by a small lake about 1 hour away. We tried making plans to meet, but he always canceled over boating issues. The first time he canceled because there was an unexpected meeting about the dock, then someone was coming to fix the dock, then he had to go boating with his brother.  I decided not to try to schedule anymore.  I was already not feeling it, and I decided that he is too far invested in a boating lifestyle.  I am not, and don’t want to be.  In the end I just didn’t feel we wouldn’t be a good match and didn’t want him traveling 1 hour to see me, when he could go boating instead. 😊

The Bluffer:  this is a bunch of guys and not only one.  They will just come out with something like: “How about we grab a drink this week, what day are you free? ” I say: “sure”, and suggest a day. They in turn can never find the time.  They are not sure when they are free, but they keep messaging and wasting my time.  Why ask someone out if there is no intention of going through with it?

The Disingenuous.   He asked for my number right away.  I said no, and explained why not.  He asked me:  “How can we make plans to meet if you don’t give me your number?”  I said: “Right here, the same way we are communicating now.”  We exchanged a few more messages.  On Saturday morning he messages me asking me to lunch on Sunday.  When I replied accepting his invitation he was not online anymore.  And he was not online again until Sunday night, when he said:  “I got busy with my kids and didn’t have a chance to check Match. If I had your number…”

I didn’t really say what I wanted to say.  When I didn’t hear back from him on Saturday I knew there would be no Sunday brunch.  I have seen that movie before.

Note: So happens that as I am writing this he has another invitation for me.  Details to follow.

“I think Kitaru is honestly seeking something,” I went on. “In his own way, at his own pace. It’s just that I don’t think he’s grasped yet what it is. That’s why he can’t make any progress. If you don’t know what you’re looking for, it’s not easy to look for it.” ― Murakami Haruki

The Back Pedaling guy.  We exchanged a few messages, he invites me to dinner and I say yes.  Location and time are set. Then I get a video call request from him through the app.  I don’t accept it.  He then says that he hit that button by accident.  Later he says that is probably a good idea that we have a video call before meeting so that we can see that we are who we say we are. Because, as he said: “I could show up and you are a man”.  Yep, he said that, and he has not been the first.

This is a total turn off for me.  If you are not sure about someone then don’t schedule a date.  Be upfront about your needs and wants.  I don’t do video calls.  I have no interest in that.  Date was canceled.  He then said that we should meet for coffee.  While I have no problem in meeting for coffee, or for nothing really, like meeting at the library or something like that, I don’t like how he handled this.  I am not interested anymore.

The Young and Not Classy.  This guy is eight years younger than me, but by the way he went on and on, you would think that he was 20 years younger.  Side note:  I look younger than him.  In the first few messages there was no mention of age.  Then he started with questions such as if I don’t mind that he is younger, have I dated younger men, what is the youngest men I ever dated, etc.  It just got annoying that he kept obsessing about the age difference. If age is not an issue, then don’t make it an issue. Bye baby!

The All about Sex.  This guy seemed funny and in the beginning we exchanged a few cute messages.  There were a couple of innuendos thrown in there, and I just played along. I am okay with that, and probably guilt of that.  But he kept going and seemed stuck on the sexual innuendo world.  I tried guiding the messages to other areas but he was one track mind.  I got off that track before I got run over.  

“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

The Bad Interviewer.  He talks/write a lot, but it is not really a conversation.  It is being bombarded with questions that are meaningless to me.  What is your favorite color?  If you could be a pet which would you be?  What is your favorite food? What is your favorite season? Have you ever broken a bone? What is your favorite day of the week?  Day or night? And the list of inane questions goes on and on.  Finally I just sent one question back: “Date or no date?”.  He didn’t get it.  He never will.

Don’t be turned off to online dating after reading this.  There are some good guys also.  Not that those above are not good people.  They are just not good for me. 

There will always be miscommunications, misunderstandings, assumptions, expectations and the such.  Some people are just difficult.  I am difficult.

I believe in online dating.  I am grateful for the opportunity of meeting people that I wouldn’t normally have a chance to meet in my day to day life.  I still see joy in it, even though some times the water there is so murky one cannot see anything, let alone joy.

“Time provides all of us with the opportunity to change, alter our belief system, and create new perspectives that challenge a person’s character and teach him or her how to become a happier and wiser person.” ― Kilroy J. Oldster, Dead Toad Scrolls

 

It is okay to be off course

16 Saturday Jul 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

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“I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God’s business.”
― Michael J. Fox

My Duolingo streak is broken. I made it to day 339. I had a choice of paying to keep my streak going. Call me frugal, but I didn’t pay.

Perhaps I should have. It has been 3 or 4 days and I still haven’t gone back to doing my daily French lessons. It is easy to leave it for later if I no longer have a streak to protect.

All of a sudden I feel like a loser. How could I break my streak? Keeping that streak going made me feel powerful and capable of grand things. Stupid, right?

“Don’t mistake activity with achievement.”
― John Wooden

It will take me another year to get to that number again, once I start it, if I start it. Perhaps keeping a streak going is not for me. Maybe I should make a point of breaking streaks.

Duolingo is not the only thing that I have been neglecting lately. This blog, my exercise routine, healthy meals, books, etc, they are all suffering. 

I have been choosing to start early at work, instead of going to the gym. I often choose Netflix and Sedecordle instead of reading a book. I sometimes eat cheesebread and fries for dinner, and the list goes on and on.

None of that really makes me a loser. Nothing has the power to, if I don’t let it. It is a matter of choice. Lately, I have been making choices that are not wise, but it feels comfortable. Perhaps that is just a nice way to say I have been lazy lately.

“In the pursuit of perfection, I forgot I was already enough.”
― Caroline George, The Summer We Forgot

And so what? Who says that I have to be always productive and perfect? Here is a newsflash to myself: You are not perfect. Perfection is an illusion. Just aim to be the best human being you can.

I am embracing the fact that it is okay for things not to be okay. It is okay to be off my routine. It is okay to let things go for a little bit; it is okay not to pressure myself to always be doing something.

It is okay not to feel in control at times. It is healthy to realize that streaks end, that sometimes we go off course. It is the perfect time to reassess my priorities. It is the perfect time to do things out of love and want, and not out of the sense of obligation and in search of perfection.

“Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.”― Salvador Dali

Sometimes one needs a break, needs to step off the gas pedal. I am yet again choosing to be kind to myself. I am giving myself permission to be less and do less.

I know I will slowly get back to the things that feed my body, mind and soul in a healthy way. I will go back to pursuing interests and passions, instead of coasting.

For now, I breathe. I get work done, deadlines met. I have finished another mosaic, which makes my heart sing (posting it next).

And for another great way to waste my valuable and scarce time, I just signed up for Match.

Because hope never dies.

“Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all.”
― Emily Dickinson