Tag Archives: accepting challenges

Let’s do Different!

26 Saturday Dec 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

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“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.” – Seneca

Thank you everyone for another year of putting up with my blog.  Thank you for taking time to read, for finding inspiration to comment and for the kindness in giving me advice and support.  You mean a lot, I owe you a lot! Sending huge tight grateful hugs to all!

Yesterday I went to the 5 o’clock mass.  I am very spiritual and not religious but I have been going to mass some Sundays and I wanted to go to one on Christmas Eve.  I am so blessed, I have so much to be thankful for, and going to mass has been my way of taking a separate time to thank God for all my blessings.

My boyfriend… wow it is weird to say I have a boyfriend.  After 4 years of going on endless one dates and having one disappointment after another I am trying to get used to the idea of having someone that cares about me and is not afraid to tell me often.

MF (the boyfriend) is everything I need that I didn’t know I needed.  He gives me comfort, patience, understanding.  He is totally non-judgmental and finds my brutal honesty refreshing.  I feel completely accepted!

We are leaving tomorrow on a 10 hour drive from New York to North Carolina.  We are going to spend a couple of days at his best friend’s house.  For some reason I am not concerned about this at all.  My only concern was the idea of showing up at somebody’s house empty handed, so I solved that by buying this huge Godiva Chocolate basket.  Who doesn’t like chocolate?

This week I had some realizations:

  • This relationship feels different.  It feels easy and permanent. (Even though  it will not be easy.  I know it will take work to put all the pieces together… we both have busy lives. We live 1 hour away. His 8 year old son has severe ADHD and needs more attention than most kids).  Do I like him enough to put in the work necessary?
  • I think that my brutal honesty may sometimes be too much.  I think that I may be testing him by all I say and the questions I ask. Perhaps I want to see how far I can push him.  Am I trying to push him out of the door?
  • I realized that I feel guilty anytime I eat something deemed not healthy, like sugar and carbs, and that is very much very often. Here is a new idea: Not seeing food as good or bad.  Just eat and enjoy it!
  • I realized that instead of losing the famous 10 pounds to proudly disrobe in front of the boyfriend, I am instead gaining 10 pounds and more. Is this another way of sabotaging this and/or testing him?  Since I feel he accepts me completely perhaps I am looking for proof.

Perhaps I need to stop thinking too much.  I need to get out of my head sometimes. I need to change.  And on that note I want to talk about 2016.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”  – Gautama Buddha

In a way I am glad to see 2015 coming to an end.  It was a turbulent year.  Every new year holds so much promise.  It is up to me to make 2016 the best year ever.  I plan on making it amazing since it will be the year I am turning 50. ARGHHHH just so NOT happy about turning 50!!

I want to do 2016 is different! I want to be nice to myself in 2016!

What about if we (you and I) did everything different?  I want to stop using the same old excuses.  I want to stop hiding behind this excess weight, that no one is really paying any attention to, and it is bothering only me.  I want to forget about my past failures and continue trying.  Because the old boyfriend cheated, it doesn’t mean that this one will.  Because I had to give up all exercise for one year because of a hip injury it doesn’t mean that I cannot ever be completely healthy again.

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” – Albert Einstein

I want to take more chances.  I want to stop pressuring myself to be perfect and to accomplish so many things at once. All that this pressure has done is to leave me feeling like a failure.  I have done a lot and accomplished a lot and yet when I look back I see missed opportunities and areas where I could have done so much better.

I am not being fair to myself.  I want to be nice to myself.  I want to relax and enjoy the journey.  I know it is a cliche but I am so results driven that I need to have “Enjoy the journey” tattooed on my arm so I can be reminded every single moment.  If I am not getting results I think I am failing and that is not the point of life at all.  I know better.

How are you going to show up in 2016 and take ownership of your life? Are you going to stop letting others, media, internet, tv, friends and enemies dictate what you do and how do you feel about yourself? What is that one thing that scares you the most?  Just go ahead and do it!

Next time I see the boyfriend,well, tomorrow,  I think I will just take my clothes off and say: “This is it, take it or leave it!”  (stay tuned, I will let you know how that turns out…)

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” – Leo Tolstoy

 

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Dealing with illness and fears

16 Thursday Apr 2015

Posted by in Daily Life

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“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

My mother and I have been back from Brazil for several days now.  My main focus, besides work, has been trying to get her mentally and physically healthier.

Approximately 3 weeks ago she went to a neuropsychiatrist after many years of my sister and I begging her to see someone regarding some baggage that she carries since she was a child.  Lately she had been extremely angry and short-tempered and realized on her own that she needed to do something about it.

She saw the doctor and they spoke for about an hour.  She came home happy and felt light after discussing things from her past.  Unfortunately when she woke up the next morning she was slurring her words and had trouble walking.  She was in a drunk-like state (My mother quit drinking when she was 25 years old because she realized it was going to become a problem, so we know she wasn’t drunk.  On May 1st she will be 80 years old)

“Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of ‘not knowing.” ― Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves

She refused to go to the emergency room or call the doctor, attributing the symptoms to the deep conversation they had the day before.  It is hard not to think that the 2 things are not related.  My brother is a nurse and he didn’t think she was suffering a stroke or something similar.  I need to note here that my brother will never go against my mother’s and father’s wish, even in a situation like this where my first instinct would be to take her to the emergency room.  I try to keep my interference to a minimum only trying to provide positive feedback and financial support.  I try not to be critical of my sister and brother.  I realize how easy it is for me to have all the right answers when I am so far away.  I am also extremely grateful of how much they do for my parents and the love and respect they give my parents.

Last week in Brazil all I did was cook and clean and make sure she was resting.  She had 2 different brain scans done last week.  The last scan showed: Signs of microangiopathy.  Some signs of thinning of the white matter were also observed (inferring ischemic leukoaraiosis).  That is all Greek to me and all my Google research has left my head spinning.  At any rate her doctor gave his okay for her to travel as long as she takes the medication prescribed (He said he doesn’t believe in canceling vacation because of illness and also thought a change in scenery would be good for her). He says her issues are due to age and also to diabetes and high blood pressure.  As soon as she returns she is scheduled for additional tests.

“Fear is the glue that keeps you stuck. Faith is the solvent that sets you free.”
― Shannon L. Alder

She was fine in the flight from Sao Paulo to New York, so I am hoping that means that she will also be fine in the flight from NY to Tel Aviv this Saturday, as the trip is still on schedule.  She is excited about it, but I am making sure that she knows that is also okay if she thinks it is too much for her.

My mother has always been a dynamo never sitting or slowing down throughout the day.  The amount of things she accomplishes in one day is incredible.  While I am proud to have such an energetic mother I also knew that that would be her down fall.  That makes watching her slowing down now much harder.

I am not allowing her to do anything on her own as I fear she could fall and hurt herself (on our first day in NY she fell in the tub, I took that as a warning).  She has had good days and bad days.  Today is a not so great day as she seems slower than usual.  It is hard to be at work and leave her at home alone but I also realize that I cannot make her feel like an invalid all of a sudden.

“If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to yourself, to who you are, here and now and when you get there, you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.” ― Masaru Emoto

She has started taking vitamins, eating more, healthier, and at regular intervals (her diet before was coffee, bread and more coffee).  She has been taking daily naps and doing no housework at all.  She is still doing her crafts (knitting, crocheting, and painting), also reading and some easy exercises.

I am hoping that this is just a warning sign for her to take it easy, relax and take better care of herself. Actually it is a warning sign for the entire family as we are all guilty of overdoing at the dessert table.  I am hoping that as the medication starts to work and combined with the new lifestyle and diet she will soon be brand new.

I know it is all in God’s hands and I am just trying to follow his guidance and respect his plan, but the idea of ever losing my mother has been unbelievably hard to deal with.  I am trying to ward off those thoughts that continue to invade my mind and steal my peace.

I thank you all for your support and prayers! You are a source of comfort and for that I feel blessed and I am extremely grateful!!

 “Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ― Lao Tzu

from burnt toast to wedding toast

08 Sunday Feb 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“If the problem can be solved why worry? If the problem cannot be solved worrying will do you no good.” ― Śāntideva

Sometimes I feel my mind is too small to fit in all I need /want to do.  I fear things will spill out and get forgotten and never done.  It is a weird feeling, but that is my life at this moment…so much to do, so little time, so little money, and no control over anything.  So many obstacles… people not doing their job, mishandled orders, parts broken, appointments missed, appointments never scheduled, car not starting, keys lost … but also tiny little blessings at every corner, keys found 🙂

“I may do some good before I am dead–be a sort of success as a frightful example of what not to do; and so illustrate a moral story.” ― Thomas Hardy

On Thursday my multi-tasking, or perhaps my lack of focus, cost the office our beloved toaster.  I put a couple of slices of bread in it and went on to do a few (several) other things (mistake #1).  All of a sudden someone yells “something is burning”.   I ran to the kitchen and opened the oven door (mistake #2) and flames just shoot out.  The next few seconds was a blur of panic.  Everyone failed to see the extinguisher a foot away.  One co-worker unplugged the toaster while the other threw containers of water on it.  In the mean time I looking around looking for a blanket or something like that to extinguish the flames, but all I see is paper towels (no, not mistake # 3).

I am happy to report that besides a dead toaster, a wet kitchen, a tiny little burn on my finger (I am not sure how I got it) and being the butt of many jokes the whole day, all is well.  Yesterday, Friday (Bagel Day in the office) was just not the same without the toaster.  I will buy another one, but I am now looking for one that has some kind of alarm or shut-off button.  Any suggestions?

This is both a warning sign and a lesson.  Let’s hope I did learn something and will not make the same mistake again.  I seriously doubt it… as I write this I am chatting with a Sears representative  online, I am doing a company Census, e-mailing the accountant and texting my date for tonight.  I need to learn to do one thing at a time and see it to completion before moving on to a new task.

***

“Maybe we are running from something because we don’t want to find out what we are running from” ― Iva Marija Bulić

Updating my previous post: https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2015/01/29/miss-fearless-is-terrified/

The man in question, I will call him Mr. TV agreed to slow things down.  It was either that or never see me again – so he chose the first.  We are going out tonight.  I am coming to the conclusion that the reason why I am rejecting him is because he wants me so much.  In his eyes I can do no wrong.  It is what I want, when I want.  It makes me think of Grouch Marx when he said: “I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept people like me”.

We shall see where this will go… For now I am controlling my need to run away for now.

***

“Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.” ― Elie Wiesel

Remember my first date after the break up?  https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2012/05/29/first-e-harmony-date/

He got married!  Yes, I have to admit that for a second I had the thought “it could have been me”.   He is a wonderful guy with a love for learning and traveling, 2 things that are near and dear to my heart.  I see pictures of the happy couple gallivanting around the globe and I do feel a twinge of jealousy.  But, the truth is I am very happy for him.  It seems he found the right person for him.  He and I were not a match, so no matter how unbelievable the life he could have offered me was, it would never make me or him happy.

The crazy part:  I was invited to the wedding celebration to be held in March in Atlanta!

The crazier part:  I am going!

It would be easier to decline the invitation, but I was never a fan of taking the easy route. I thought for awhile about what his invitation meant and what my accepting it meant.  I realize that I do not need to impart any serious meaning or ulterior motive to an invitation for a happy event.  Why must we always complicate everything?

“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” ― Helen Keller