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“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.” – Seneca

Thank you everyone for another year of putting up with my blog.  Thank you for taking time to read, for finding inspiration to comment and for the kindness in giving me advice and support.  You mean a lot, I owe you a lot! Sending huge tight grateful hugs to all!

Yesterday I went to the 5 o’clock mass.  I am very spiritual and not religious but I have been going to mass some Sundays and I wanted to go to one on Christmas Eve.  I am so blessed, I have so much to be thankful for, and going to mass has been my way of taking a separate time to thank God for all my blessings.

My boyfriend… wow it is weird to say I have a boyfriend.  After 4 years of going on endless one dates and having one disappointment after another I am trying to get used to the idea of having someone that cares about me and is not afraid to tell me often.

MF (the boyfriend) is everything I need that I didn’t know I needed.  He gives me comfort, patience, understanding.  He is totally non-judgmental and finds my brutal honesty refreshing.  I feel completely accepted!

We are leaving tomorrow on a 10 hour drive from New York to North Carolina.  We are going to spend a couple of days at his best friend’s house.  For some reason I am not concerned about this at all.  My only concern was the idea of showing up at somebody’s house empty handed, so I solved that by buying this huge Godiva Chocolate basket.  Who doesn’t like chocolate?

This week I had some realizations:

  • This relationship feels different.  It feels easy and permanent. (Even though  it will not be easy.  I know it will take work to put all the pieces together… we both have busy lives. We live 1 hour away. His 8 year old son has severe ADHD and needs more attention than most kids).  Do I like him enough to put in the work necessary?
  • I think that my brutal honesty may sometimes be too much.  I think that I may be testing him by all I say and the questions I ask. Perhaps I want to see how far I can push him.  Am I trying to push him out of the door?
  • I realized that I feel guilty anytime I eat something deemed not healthy, like sugar and carbs, and that is very much very often. Here is a new idea: Not seeing food as good or bad.  Just eat and enjoy it!
  • I realized that instead of losing the famous 10 pounds to proudly disrobe in front of the boyfriend, I am instead gaining 10 pounds and more. Is this another way of sabotaging this and/or testing him?  Since I feel he accepts me completely perhaps I am looking for proof.

Perhaps I need to stop thinking too much.  I need to get out of my head sometimes. I need to change.  And on that note I want to talk about 2016.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”  – Gautama Buddha

In a way I am glad to see 2015 coming to an end.  It was a turbulent year.  Every new year holds so much promise.  It is up to me to make 2016 the best year ever.  I plan on making it amazing since it will be the year I am turning 50. ARGHHHH just so NOT happy about turning 50!!

I want to do 2016 is different! I want to be nice to myself in 2016!

What about if we (you and I) did everything different?  I want to stop using the same old excuses.  I want to stop hiding behind this excess weight, that no one is really paying any attention to, and it is bothering only me.  I want to forget about my past failures and continue trying.  Because the old boyfriend cheated, it doesn’t mean that this one will.  Because I had to give up all exercise for one year because of a hip injury it doesn’t mean that I cannot ever be completely healthy again.

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” – Albert Einstein

I want to take more chances.  I want to stop pressuring myself to be perfect and to accomplish so many things at once. All that this pressure has done is to leave me feeling like a failure.  I have done a lot and accomplished a lot and yet when I look back I see missed opportunities and areas where I could have done so much better.

I am not being fair to myself.  I want to be nice to myself.  I want to relax and enjoy the journey.  I know it is a cliche but I am so results driven that I need to have “Enjoy the journey” tattooed on my arm so I can be reminded every single moment.  If I am not getting results I think I am failing and that is not the point of life at all.  I know better.

How are you going to show up in 2016 and take ownership of your life? Are you going to stop letting others, media, internet, tv, friends and enemies dictate what you do and how do you feel about yourself? What is that one thing that scares you the most?  Just go ahead and do it!

Next time I see the boyfriend,well, tomorrow,  I think I will just take my clothes off and say: “This is it, take it or leave it!”  (stay tuned, I will let you know how that turns out…)

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” – Leo Tolstoy