Tag Archives: memories

Always and Forever an Enigma

17 Friday Feb 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, EX Files, Finding Me

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“You might question a winkle – a feeling that came to you right out of the blue – but you didn’t question knowing.” ― Stephen King

I wrote this post last week. I was not sure I was going to post it.

Last night as I was in bed drifting off to sleep, out of the blue, Enigma came to mind.  He is the guy I mentioned in these posts from November 2020:

Finally the date with The Enigma happens

Say What?

I immediately got up and went to Google.  I don’t like to check on people I have dated.  I feel that every time I look back, it prevents me from embracing my present and future. Every time I look back it sets me back.

But this time, I didn’t stop to think if I was going to look back or not.  I had to do it.  It was already midnight, I was tired, and had to wake up early the next morning. Still, I had to do it.  I had to look him up.

“There’s always someone who knows something.” ― Stephen King

It had been over 2 years; I couldn’t remember the exact spelling of his last name.  I spend a long time just googling whatever I could think of.  Searching phone numbers was useless. On the brief time we interacted he changed numbers 3 times.

Then I started attaching the names of towns I thought he lived at to different last names.  After a couple of hours…yes, that is how long it took me.  I wouldn’t give up.  I become a dog with a bone any time I want to try to find any information.

Then I found his obituary!!

He passed away in September.  I was shocked, and yet not surprised… if that makes any sense to you.  It was shocking because he was so young – he was a month shy of 50 years old.  I was not surprised because there was always a lot danger in the stories he told me.  It seemed to me he was reckless when it came to his well being. It is difficult to describe him.

Now, the next step was to find out how he died.  And that is where Miss Can Find Anything on the Internet came up empty handed.

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

There was nothing, not a hint, not a clue.  In the obituary/memorial site there were only 7 comments, and they were all about what a great person he was and words of comfort to his family.

I then was able to find his ex-wife’s Facebook.  There were 154 comments on her post of his passing.  There was not a single hint from the post or the comments as to how he passed.

For some reason I suspect that it had something to do with the war in Ukraine.  He had mentioned his involvement with a private military company in Russia.  He mentioned that was scheduled to go and do some work overseas for them.  I don’t want to reveal the name of the company here and some other details.

I don’t know if all he told me was true or not. Or perhaps it was make believe.  I don’t know, and probably never will.  He will remain an Enigma to me.  So gentle and caring, a teacher and volunteer; and then there was this other side that seemed incredibly dangerous and reckless.

TCM, I believe in your kindness and good heart.  I hope that you have found peace and contentment where you are.  Thank you for our brief encounter, flowers and the book!

(I still have the little purple flowers that he gave me on our date.  I dried them and kept them in a vase on my counter in my bathroom.  I am not sure why I did that.  I never kept any flowers from any date – something about not wanting to think of them)

“When he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun.”
― William Shakespeare

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Heart Matters and Mind Games!

19 Wednesday Feb 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Valentine’s Day Date (or not)

I was going to have a date on Valentine’s Day with this person from Plenty of Fish. It was a last minute invitation and since I had nothing planned I said yes. (also, as a side note, this is one Valentine’s Day that didn’t bother me at all, I was totally indifferent to the fact that I am single)

I walked to the bar at the appointed time imagining he was not there as he said he was running late.  I looked through the glass windows when I got there and didn’t see him there.

I didn’t want to walk into this bar alone because I always had a weird feeling about  it.  (I did agree to meet him there since I thought it would be a good excuse for me to try this bar and perhaps erase the feeling I have about it)

I had texted a couple of times saying that I was going to wait for him at the door and then saying that I was outside by the door. Later I called and he didn’t pick up.  Finally 20 minutes later when I texted  that I was going to walk home, since he apparently had stood me up,  he texts me that he is inside the bar.

As I am reading the text and not sure what to think, he walks out and without saying hello rudely says: you can’t walk into a bar?  I was floored, shocked, at not only what he said, but how rudely he said it and I said: No I can’t!

He turns his back to me and walks back inside, I turn around and start walking home. For a second I felt I was in a movie or something other than real life.

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” 
― Edmund Burke

I was shocked and confused at first, wondering why a guy would travel 1 hour to come and meet me and then have this kind of behavior.  But immediately I am strangely at peace and not even annoyed.  I know in my heart I just dodged a bullet.

“No one is more insufferable than he who lacks basic courtesy.” 
― Bryant McGill

As I walk the 2 blocks home I am thanking my guardian angels and my lucky stars for protecting me and preventing me from meeting a person that clearly it is not good for me!

Perhaps I should have walked into the bar, but what kind of man, ignores texts and phone calls and then is that rude?  Not the man that I deserve that is for sure!

I really do feel blessed and consider situations like this a blessing and not a curse!

“Blessings sometimes show up in unrecognizable disguises. ” 
― Janette Oke

****

Montreal is calling

Well, my new friend D.  from Montreal (the one  I mentioned in my previous post) sent me another email.  He asked me if I had plans of seeing him again.

I replied: “Plans to meet again?  is the ball on my court?  I guess we need to talk about that.”

He enjoyed the “ball on my court” comment (English is not his first language so I am assuming he had never heard of that expression before) and said that we need to plan it.

I would like to see him again as I had a great time with him but more as a friend and not anything romantic.  I have a feeling he desires romance, and I desire friendship.

So I am just not sure what will happen here. Stay tuned!

****

“Moving on is easy. It’s staying moved on that’s trickier.” 
― Katerina Stoykova Klemer

Ex doesn’t play dead.

It is hard to be honest about this, but what is the point of having a blog about my life if I am not going to be completely honest?  On Valentine’s Day I was hoping to hear from Ex.

I know for sure I don’t want to be back with him.  I know that he wouldn’t be good for me.  Not that getting back together is even an option.  He has already been living with someone since we broke up.

There is this part of me that still wants him to think of me. Why do I still crave those morsels of attention?  I guess because I have such a hard time forgetting about him I am wishing he feels the same.

But what is the point?  I know better!

Then in the afternoon, there comes his text: “Happy Valentine’s Day! Love” After my heart skipped a beat and I felt happy for a millisecond I was immediately mad at him for playing with my feelings.

Why does he do that to me? My last communication with him was around Thanksgiving when I asked him to pretend I was dead.  He thinks he never did anything wrong and that we are still friends (according to him his only mistake was not having the time to be the man that I wanted him to be).

He must know it hurts me… and it does hurt me! This is all about power!

I didn’t reply, it took all I got not to.  But what is the point?  To say thank you would make him think that I welcome his communication.  To again ask him to stop clearly won’t make a difference, so to ignore it seems the best course of action.

I am, however, stronger, than I ever been, clear on what I want and don’t want.  He is definitely not in my plans in any capacity.  I don’t see these moments of longing and thinking of him as setbacks, I see it as part of the path, as tests of strength and with each I become stronger.

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.”  ― Steve Maraboli

On another note his mother is moving from another state to live with him (and with his girlfriend).

I have a great relationship with his mother and will not break up with her because he broke up with me. She calls me often and wants me to go visit the day she moves in.  I said I will meet her any place else but I will not go to a house that I was forced to move out from.

I made his house a home.  I made everything about the house and the yard better.   I was proud to have cleaned up and organized it and put my mark in it.  I cannot imagine going through the house and not seeing my pictures on the wall.  I cannot imagine seeing the signs of another woman where I should be.

But the number one reason I don’t want to go there is C, the dog.  I want to see him and hug him so much.  I want to take him for a walk and play with him in the yard. But I am choosing to just hold on to the memories.  I think that if he sees me he will think I am back to stay, I cannot do that to him or to me.

“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.” 
― Haruki Murakami

Skiing is living and Making peace with all things Ex!

23 Thursday Jan 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” *

November 28, 2013

My skiing trip is all planned!  Whistler it is! I am so excited about this trip; I am like a kid going to Disney!  There are many things that make me happy about this trip, besides the pure love of skiing:

1)    Practice makes it perfect.  I enjoy realizing that with persistence and practice I can get better at anything I put my mind to it.  Nothing is unattainable!  I am not going to be an expert but I am going to improve until I am as comfortable skiing as I am walking.

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” *

2)    Being challenged.  I love how challenging it is for me, and still I know I can conquer it.  The falling and getting up multiple times is a great lesson.  In skiing I don’t see not falling as a good thing; I see it as I am playing it safe, I am not challenging myself.  It is the perfect analogy for life.  We can get too comfortable in it and not strive to get better and reach our potential.  Our potential as human beings and God’s children is limitless.  The sky is the limit; we can have it all and do it all.   Keep on falling…and getting up.

“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.”*  

3)    Freedom from thought.  At the top of a snowy mountain is the only place and time in the world where my mind is totally thoughtless. There are times that I stop right at the top and I look around and I actually look for thoughts as I appreciate my smallness in the world. I feel this indescribable peace within me.  I feel so infinitely small before God’s amazing nature and yet so powerful and rich.  I feel blessed to be able to experience this.

“I’m alive. When I’m eating that’s all I think about. If I’m on the march, I just concentrate on marching. If I have to fight,it will be just as good a day as any to die. If you can concentrate always on the present, you’ll be a happy man. Life is the moment we are living now.”*

4)    Being self sufficient.  This trip was my idea, my decisions, my planning.  I am going alone and I just know it will be even more fun than I dream of.  This is a major step to being back to my very confident single self.  The world is my oyster, Whistler is just the beginning!

I want to live as I ski, boldly!  Falling and getting up, taking chances, combining tiny steps into long strides. Going forward always! Laughing in the face of fear!

“People are capable, at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream of.”* 

5)    Making new memories.  Finally and perhaps most important at this time, I will be making new memories in Whistler.  The memories I have of Whistler are all with Ex. I have to give him credit for introducing me to skiing and for making it all as comfortable and fun as possible.  It was because of him that I discovered and fell in love with skiing.  On the first day when I wanted to give up, he is the one that made me relax and try again.  Thank you Ex, I am forever grateful!

“Don’t think about what you’ve left behind” The alchemist said to the boy as they began to ride across the sands of the desert. “If what one finds is made of pure matter, it will never spoil. And one can always come back. If what you had found was only a moment of light, like the explosion of a star, you would find nothing on your return.” *

******

Speaking of Ex, I realized that I don’t have to rebel and go against and let go of everything I enjoyed with Ex.

  “And, when you can’t go back, you have to worry only about the best way of moving forward.” *

  • His mother.  I don’t have to stop talking to his mother.  My relationship with his mother has become even stronger.  There was a moment I thought about breaking it off, but I am glad I didn’t.  She is a cool person and the love we have for each other is genuine.

“One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.” *

  • Kansas City Chiefs. I spent a week at their training camp and learned the rules of the game by watching them.  I love an underdog because in many ways I feel like one.  Immediately after the breakup I gave all my jerseys away in an effort of erasing Ex out of my life, as if it was going to be that easy.   I have recently realized that I don’t need to find a new team.  The Chiefs are my team and that is final! All they need to do now is win a Super Bowl for me!! 🙂
  • Skiing and Tennis.  I never met anyone so athletic and so great at all sports as Ex.  ( is lying and cheating a sport?).  I plan on continuing trying to get better and enjoying both, skiing and tennis as much as possible and as much as my hip and shoulder will allow it.

“We are travelers on a cosmic journey,stardust,swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share.This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity.” *

The fact is that my new (well, not so new) single life doesn’t have to revert to what it was before Ex.  My today is composed of all my yesterdays, of all experiences with every single person that came and comes into my life, even if for one moment.  I am a better person today because of all the good and bad experiences that people I have shared life with afforded me.  I am not going to try to forget them and pretend they never existed.  I am going to rejoice on them, learn from them and build upon them!

“Because I don’t live in either my past or my future.I’m interested only in the present”.” *

*All quotes are from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I was having an Alchemist kind of moment – it was hard not to quote the entire book!

See you soon, hopefully…, but just in case, here is a hug and I really love you!

11 Saturday May 2013

Posted by in Daily Life

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Mom left last night.  After some begging Delta Airlines was kind enough to give me a gate pass so that I could be with her until she boarded.  It is a peace of mind for me to see her board and not be waiting for her phone call telling me that she found the right gate.  Since they often change gates, I am really not satisfied until she calls me from the airplane and tells me that she found her seat and all is well.  Well honestly I am only happy after she is talking to me from the comfort of her home, after arriving, collecting her bags, finding my brother and travelling the over 3 hours to our hometown.

I guess I am a bit controlling and a bit overprotective.  I guess there are worst things to be.

Her departure is filled with mixed feelings.  On one hand I am happy to return to my routine, on the other I am also sad to see her go for many reasons.  No more Mom’s great meals, shopping trips and watching Survivor together.  But her life is in Brazil with the rest of the family, and after almost 30 years living alone in the US I am used to good byes and solitude.

Being used to good byes doesn’t mean that sadness does not visit me.  There is that weird feeling of not knowing when I will see her again.  Is this the last good bye?

That happens every time I go through this dropping off at the airport routine at least twice a year.  It never fails that upon returning alone to my apartment I have feelings of not having done enough for her while she was here.  Was I too critical? was I caring?

Will I have a next chance to try harder next time?  I am brushing those feelings away.  I know I have done my best at each time and my best is enough.  Given the chance I will try again to improve on my last time.  With each time I try to be more tolerant and less picky. And I think I more succeed than fail.

I never have set plans to go to Brazil. I try to go twice a year or at least once, but it is uncertain.   The truth is none of us know when we will be seeing a loved one next.  They may not live in another country as in the case of my family or they may live with us or near us.  We may have plans, we may know what time they return from work, etc, but the truth is nothing is guaranteed.

The next minute is not a right, it is a gift!

Next time you say good bye to anyone, specially a loved one, imagine, for a second, that that is the last good bye.  Did you say everything you wanted to say? Does this person know how you feel about her/him?  How would you feel if you never saw them again?

Never miss an opportunity to say caring words and do nice things to the ones you love.  Actually never waste an opportunity to show you care period. Loved one, acquaintances or strangers, they all will appreciate a nice gesture.

With Mother’s Day around the corner remember to thank your mother for her love and for the gift of life.