Tag Archives: Valentine’s Day

Wanting a boyfriend on this Valentine’s Day!

14 Wednesday Feb 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“You may be lonely in St. Valentine’s Day, but you must know that love is like an air, it is everywhere! You shall find it in any day and anywhere!” – Mehmet Murat Ildan

I was talking to my sister about Valentine’s Day.  She just started living in the US this year so the concept of Valentine’s Day is new to her.  In Brazil we have Dia dos Namorados, which is often translated as Lover’s Day, but literally means Day of Boyfriend/Girlfriend.  It is on June 12 and it is meant only for people that are in a romantic relationship.

I said to her that I wanted to write a post about Valentine’s Day, but I didn’t want to write one of those posts about dating and loving yourself.  She said: Write about that.  Write about not wanting to write about that.

So here it is: I will not write about dating and loving myself on this Valentine’s Day. I feel it is somewhat expected that someone so positive and single like me would write something like that.

I don’t want to tout here that if you are single you should be loving and dating yourself today.  You should be loving yourself every day.  If you don’t, start now and every day going forward.  Don’t wait until Valentine’s Day to realize that you can have fun by yourself and treat yourself.

If you can’t first love yourself you will never be ready to love someone else and you will never attract good loving people into your life.

My truth is that I want a boyfriend and I wish I had one today and every day.

No, I am not depressed or feeling sad.  I am actually very happy with the way my life is right now.  Things are the way they are supposed to be.  I have to be and I am ok with not having a boyfriend at the moment because I know the right person will eventually come.  There is no need to rush things or to be with the wrong person.  Given a choice of alone or with the wrong person, I will take alone any day.

I love myself but I don’t want to date myself, especially on Valentine’s Day. I am not going to fool myself with special treats.  I don’t need that.  I already treat myself often.  I get myself flowers every week, I get massages, I get chocolates (too often), I go to dinners, etc, any time my heart desires. Yes, I do spoil myself.  I don’t deprive myself of anything I really want.

If I made a point of doing anything special today to me it would be a charade.   I don’t want to come up with some gimmicky ploy to feel better on Valentine’s Day.   It is what it is, and it is perfectly okay to be alone.

Being single is okay.  Being single and happy is great.  Being single, happy and wanting not to be single is okay too.   I much rather be in a loving relationship and celebrate it with that person than being single today and any other day.

My boyfriend for now is still a thought in my mind, a song in my heart, a twinkle in my eye, a rainbow in the sky.  He will come.  I have faith.  If he doesn’t it is okay but I will not sit here and pretend that today, of all days, I don’t wish he was already here.

On a second thought, how about going out of your way to send love to someone else that is alone today?

Thinking of love and the love that will eventually come I leave everyone with these awesome words by another one of my favorite poets:  Kahlil Gibran.

When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. And when
his wings enfold you, yield to him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.

Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; and then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor
would it be possessed, for love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, “God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am in the heart of God. And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy.
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

― Kahlil Gibran, Le Prophète

 

Boyfriendless and happy, but confused!

12 Friday Feb 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Embracing Valentine’s Day

For the past few years this holiday always made me feel a bit blue.  I always felt this longing for someone to share that day with.  I always felt left out of a day made for couples.

This year is different.  If I had not broken up with MF last week I could be going on some holiday adventure and would be celebrating the day/weekend in style.  I chose to break up.  I chose to be alone.

All of a sudden I don’t feel this holiday is leaving me out, instead I am doing the leaving.  It is my choice and it feels so right, it feels so good!

I still want the fairy-tale. I still want to be lovey-dovey with someone, especially on this day, but now, more than ever, I am not willing to settle.  The older I get the less desperate I feel, the choosier I become, the more confident I am.  I guess that is one of the pros of growing older.

I am sending much love to everyone. I hope everyone enjoys this holiday.  Even if you think it is too commercial, enjoy it anyway!  It is indeed too commercial, as most holidays are becoming, but it serves as a reminder to celebrate all our loved ones, romantic or not.  Use this day to celebrate love! Love of all kinds, love for all things, love for yourself,  love even for the unlovable (exes included)

Speaking of Ex, I got a Valentine’s Day card in the mail from his mother.  J

“We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: it’s got to be the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”
I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.”  – Andrew Boyd

***

Whistler, BC 2014

Whistler, BC 2014

“I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!” Mark Twain

The problem with having too many choices

My brother always vacations in the same resort town in the north of Brazil.  Brazil is a huge country with so many amazing vacation spots, so I am always baffled that he chooses the same town over and over again.  I never understood that.  Why not try out a different place? Be a little adventurous, discover another favorite.

I am not sure why he does that.  Is it insecurity?  Is it fear of stepping into the unknown?  I want to go everywhere I never been to before.  I want to try it all, at least once.  I want the unknown and I don’t want to play it safe.  I follow my heart and that sometimes takes immense courage.

Yet, right now, I am sitting here considering going back to Whistler, BC or to Snowmass, CT.  I am considering it for the familiarity.  I know how to navigate those places.  All of a sudden I catch myself doing what I dislike in other people.  I already know I am turning into my mother, and now I am turning into my brother.  Quelle Horreur!

I am now trying to decide where to go and when to go.  I was leaning towards Utah since I have never been there and it would be another state crossed off my list.  Then there are all the other mountains in Colorado, and in Canada…   I used to be so decisive. Am I afraid of making the wrong decision?  I know that is a stupid question for someone that follows her heart and trusts her instincts.

Even my heart seems confused or perhaps just tired of making decisions.  It seems baffled by all the options out there.  Too much, too confusing, too many decisions.  I want a decision superhero, someone that will come in and just wave a wand and give me a whole planned itinerary.  I fear being so paralyzed by all the choices that I will end up doing nothing, going nowhere.  And the snow is melting as I think…

A decisive boyfriend may just solve all my problems 🙂

“If you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another.
The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, it works around that decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience.
If this sounds too mystical, refer again to the body. Every significant vital sign- body temperature, heart rate, oxygen consumption, hormone level, brain activity, and so on- alters the moment you decide to do anything… decisions are signals telling your body, mind, and environment to move in a certain direction.” – Deepak Chopra

Heart Matters and Mind Games!

19 Wednesday Feb 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Valentine’s Day Date (or not)

I was going to have a date on Valentine’s Day with this person from Plenty of Fish. It was a last minute invitation and since I had nothing planned I said yes. (also, as a side note, this is one Valentine’s Day that didn’t bother me at all, I was totally indifferent to the fact that I am single)

I walked to the bar at the appointed time imagining he was not there as he said he was running late.  I looked through the glass windows when I got there and didn’t see him there.

I didn’t want to walk into this bar alone because I always had a weird feeling about  it.  (I did agree to meet him there since I thought it would be a good excuse for me to try this bar and perhaps erase the feeling I have about it)

I had texted a couple of times saying that I was going to wait for him at the door and then saying that I was outside by the door. Later I called and he didn’t pick up.  Finally 20 minutes later when I texted  that I was going to walk home, since he apparently had stood me up,  he texts me that he is inside the bar.

As I am reading the text and not sure what to think, he walks out and without saying hello rudely says: you can’t walk into a bar?  I was floored, shocked, at not only what he said, but how rudely he said it and I said: No I can’t!

He turns his back to me and walks back inside, I turn around and start walking home. For a second I felt I was in a movie or something other than real life.

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” 
― Edmund Burke

I was shocked and confused at first, wondering why a guy would travel 1 hour to come and meet me and then have this kind of behavior.  But immediately I am strangely at peace and not even annoyed.  I know in my heart I just dodged a bullet.

“No one is more insufferable than he who lacks basic courtesy.” 
― Bryant McGill

As I walk the 2 blocks home I am thanking my guardian angels and my lucky stars for protecting me and preventing me from meeting a person that clearly it is not good for me!

Perhaps I should have walked into the bar, but what kind of man, ignores texts and phone calls and then is that rude?  Not the man that I deserve that is for sure!

I really do feel blessed and consider situations like this a blessing and not a curse!

“Blessings sometimes show up in unrecognizable disguises. ” 
― Janette Oke

****

Montreal is calling

Well, my new friend D.  from Montreal (the one  I mentioned in my previous post) sent me another email.  He asked me if I had plans of seeing him again.

I replied: “Plans to meet again?  is the ball on my court?  I guess we need to talk about that.”

He enjoyed the “ball on my court” comment (English is not his first language so I am assuming he had never heard of that expression before) and said that we need to plan it.

I would like to see him again as I had a great time with him but more as a friend and not anything romantic.  I have a feeling he desires romance, and I desire friendship.

So I am just not sure what will happen here. Stay tuned!

****

“Moving on is easy. It’s staying moved on that’s trickier.” 
― Katerina Stoykova Klemer

Ex doesn’t play dead.

It is hard to be honest about this, but what is the point of having a blog about my life if I am not going to be completely honest?  On Valentine’s Day I was hoping to hear from Ex.

I know for sure I don’t want to be back with him.  I know that he wouldn’t be good for me.  Not that getting back together is even an option.  He has already been living with someone since we broke up.

There is this part of me that still wants him to think of me. Why do I still crave those morsels of attention?  I guess because I have such a hard time forgetting about him I am wishing he feels the same.

But what is the point?  I know better!

Then in the afternoon, there comes his text: “Happy Valentine’s Day! Love” After my heart skipped a beat and I felt happy for a millisecond I was immediately mad at him for playing with my feelings.

Why does he do that to me? My last communication with him was around Thanksgiving when I asked him to pretend I was dead.  He thinks he never did anything wrong and that we are still friends (according to him his only mistake was not having the time to be the man that I wanted him to be).

He must know it hurts me… and it does hurt me! This is all about power!

I didn’t reply, it took all I got not to.  But what is the point?  To say thank you would make him think that I welcome his communication.  To again ask him to stop clearly won’t make a difference, so to ignore it seems the best course of action.

I am, however, stronger, than I ever been, clear on what I want and don’t want.  He is definitely not in my plans in any capacity.  I don’t see these moments of longing and thinking of him as setbacks, I see it as part of the path, as tests of strength and with each I become stronger.

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.”  ― Steve Maraboli

On another note his mother is moving from another state to live with him (and with his girlfriend).

I have a great relationship with his mother and will not break up with her because he broke up with me. She calls me often and wants me to go visit the day she moves in.  I said I will meet her any place else but I will not go to a house that I was forced to move out from.

I made his house a home.  I made everything about the house and the yard better.   I was proud to have cleaned up and organized it and put my mark in it.  I cannot imagine going through the house and not seeing my pictures on the wall.  I cannot imagine seeing the signs of another woman where I should be.

But the number one reason I don’t want to go there is C, the dog.  I want to see him and hug him so much.  I want to take him for a walk and play with him in the yard. But I am choosing to just hold on to the memories.  I think that if he sees me he will think I am back to stay, I cannot do that to him or to me.

“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.” 
― Haruki Murakami